Newbrassky

[Delmonico]

Down 'round the Platte, 'tween Grand Island and Kearney.

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Ya mean south a here. If 'twere nort I would get one on the way down from Wiscooooooooooooooooosin. I guess I'll go after one after I get back. Ya need any dry goods from the nort?"

[Trinity]

Trinity comes down from his room after sleeping his hangover off for the whole day.  He sits down at the table in the kitchen and thinks to himself.  "Ah don' have to wait fer Delmonico or Gophergrease no more, but Ah do like me they cookin'... soooo"  Trinity raises the hand with the ring and shouts "Del's and GG's breakfast cookin' times ten!"  Before he could blink the entire room was filled with eggs, cheeses, steak, potatoes, grits, bacon (good ole American kind, but in the effort to keep everyone happy and to fill Trinity's belly, the Canadian variety was available too), oats, pancakes, waffles, toast, syrups, jellies, jams and marmalades.  Since this was patterned after Delmonico and Gophergrease's cooking, there were also items that were foreign to Trinity, but he was game to try.  Laying on the table before him had appeared a large napkin which he tied around his neck before digging in.

[Advertising]

[Delmonico]

About out of coal oil again, Delmonico gets what he wants down loaded.  "Duke ol' boy I think ive found the "Crack of Doom" on Mt. Harney.  That fella I know up there that has that hydro-gin ballon named Terra Server has gotten up and over Mt. Harney and got his digital glass plate camera to take me a picture of it." 

"Here Duke click on this:
http://terraserver.homeadvisor.msn.com/image.aspx?T=1&S=10&Z=13&X=3087&Y=24291&W=3&qs=%7cHarney+Peak%7c%7c
 and you can see the "Crack of Doom."  Now all we got to do is get that magic "Black Hills Gold" ring from Trinity and place it in the crack."

[Joyce (AnnieLee)]

Walking by Delmonico's office, all the Frumpy Fairy Godmother hears is that Delmonico wants to put something in Trinity's crack. As her face turns a lovely shade of magenta, she rushes away to the kitchen. She stops dead in her tracks, seeing all the food.

"Trinity!! What are you doing? Did you conjure that food?"

[Delmonico]

With a plan in mind, Delmonico goes into the kitchen and realizes that he is right, this is the One Ring, the evil one and Trinity has found it, for right there in the middle of the food on the table is:
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a plastic tub of margerine, not just any soft spread margerine, but a low fat one made with canola oil.

Delmonico knows that he must move fast now, the ring must be destroyed before Slim gits back, if not, findin' the margerine in the kitchen will break his heart.  And only worse things will happen, next it will be Velveeta cheese, Miricle Whip dressing, tube biscuits, Egg Beaters, de-caffinated coffee, TV dinners, box mac and cheese, Wonder Bread and worst of all "Potted Meat Product." 

Delmonico knows he must act fast or soon there will be trouble when the "Potted Meat Product' shows up.

(To those who don't know what our hero, is talkin' about, go to the store and look around the tuna and the Spam and find it.  Now read what is in it.  Set the can down carefully and run before it crawls out of the can and gets you.)

[Trinity]

Authors note:  While I may indeed like potted meat food product (and have some in the pantry at this very moment), Trinity would NEVER  conjure up any margarine!  What kind of person do you think I am?

[Trinity]

Walking by Delmonico's office, all the Frumpy Fairy Godmother hears is that Delmonico wants to put something in Trinity's crack. As her face turns a lovely shade of magenta, she rushes away to the kitchen. She stops dead in her tracks, seeing all the food.

"Trinity!! What are you doing? Did you conjure that food?"

With a full mouth, Trinity responds: "Mmmpf mmfm  mmfffmmf  mfmfffffm!   ...    WOM, MMMMFMFM  MFFFFPF M CRACK??" 

Translation: "Look at all the good food.  Come help yourself!   ...   WAIT, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY CRACK??"

[Joyce (AnnieLee)]

The only word the Frumpy Fairy Godmother can make out is "crack." She reels backwards, wondering what kind of horrible relationship Trinity and Delmonico have entered, her face an even brighter shade of purple, only to bounce off Delmonico as he comes up behind her. With a tiny squeak of an "OH!", she spins around and ends up out on the porch, trying to breathe.

[Delmonico]

Delmonico comes out to the porch, "I read that last post, you need to go back and read all of mine.
Click on the link to the picture of Mt. Harney.  We need to do sumthin' here, did you know Trinity eats "Potted Meat Product"!

"That is plain evil, tripe, defatted fatty tissue and other similar stuff.  We must destroy his ring, before the "Potten Meat Product" gets out of a can and destroys us!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

[Trinity]

"Mechanically separated chicken, partially defatted pork fatty tissue (with tocopherol, natural flabor, citric acid, soybean and/or canola oil to protect flavor), mechanically separated pork tissue, beef tripe, beef hearts, water, less than 2% salt, vinegar, flavorings, dextrose, extracatives of paprika, sodium nitrite"

[Joyce (AnnieLee)]

The Frumpy Fairy Godmother whirls on Delmonico.

"I looked at that picture. There are no mountains in it. There are no mountains anywhere in Newbrassky. Newbrassky is flatter than a prepubescent gerl!" Shocked at what she just said, she quickly corrects: "I mean, it's flatter than a pancake!"

[Delmonico]

Mt. Harney or as it's also known, Harney Peak is it the Dakota Territoy and is 33 miles south of Rapid City.  It is the highest point in the Dakota Territory and is 5492 feet above sea level, over a mile and any peak over a mile above sea level is a mountian.  Are the hills back in Virginny where that friend of the FFg lives any higher?

[Trinity]

Trinity turnes red and decides it's better to pretend he didn't hear the "Prepubecent girl" comment.  

Instead, he decided to share a photo with Delmonico...

[Delmonico]

Delmonico has a can of that stuff in the cupboard at home.  He uses it in lectures on food in the Old West.  Before 1906 and the Pure Food and Drug Laws it was sold a Deviled Ham.

[Trinity]

"Aw, come on, Delmonico.  We all know you really like that mechanically separated chicken"

“The mechanical separator basically has a screw and a drive, and it just presses the chicken part against a fine screen at incredibly high pressure and the meat is squeezed off through a sieve. It’s usually dark meat from the drumstick or the thigh or possibly the back, which has meat that’s been locked up in the bones.” In other words, these are the scraps that the human separators simply cannot pick off."

[Joyce (AnnieLee)]

The Frumpy Fairy Godmother frowns a little, then waves her wand to take a look at Google.

"Humph! Mt. Harney is in South Dakota, not Newbrasky! The tallest peak in Virginny is Mt. Rogers at 5729 ft, while the highest in Newbassky is Panorama Point at 5424. Ha!"

[Delmonico]

304 feet lower, no big deal.  Maybe there ain't no mountians in Virginny either.    

I could be worse it could be over 5000 feet of potted meat product.

[Trinity]

Folks,  We in Nawth Carl-ina gots us a bigger mountain too!  

[Delmonico]

Delmonico is really happy that their ain't no large mountians in Newbrasskey cause all they is good fer is a-track-in' skiers in the winter and Johnny Denver wannabes to get lost in the woods in the summer.  Neither is really that useful.

So Delmonico decides not to worry bout molehills or mountians and gets a couple of cansd of sardines in olive oil and sits down and starts to eat them beside Trinity and his "Potted Meat Product"