please swallow your beverage before reading...another stolen joke freshly stolen

[Arcey]

Man stood naked in the Sun. A voice spoke to him.

‘Go into the valley.’

‘What’s a valley?’ And, it was explained.

‘Cross the river.’

‘A river?’ And, it was explained.

‘Climb the hill.’

‘Climb what?’ And, it was explained.

‘You will find a cave. Enter it.’

‘What’s a cave?’ And, it was explained.

‘There you will find woman. Reproduce thyself.’

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………’ And, it was explained.

In a short movement of the Sun, man returned and stood as he began looking to the sky.

‘What now, man?’

‘What’s a headache?’

[Delmonico]

One evening a guy walks into the bedroom where his wife is relaxing and reading a book, he hands her two aspirins. 

"What are these for," she asks?

"They are for your headache dear."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Good."   

[litl rooster]

We've had a bit of conversation going about Craigs list here lately. This is from the Best of Craigs list. WARNING not all of them are suitable for posting here. Not that they are not funny this is just not the place.

Found: One Left-Handed Black Glove

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Date: 2012-07-07, 11:42AM CDT


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Earlier today while walking along one of my favorite river embankments I found a black, left-handed glove. It looks like it might be pretty expensive so I thought I'd throw it on here.

The glove is apparently unisex, as I have the delicate hands of a woman but still looked stylish as a man when I put it on the top of my hand and posed in the mirror. I chose not to wear the glove as I have a skin condition that causes me to sweat a substance not unlike butter (but only a fraction of its deliciousness) and I wouldn't want to ruin this perfectly lovely glove.

Since I found the glove three hours ago I've tried to make the best home I can for it. We played two games of Risk (he won both!), watched a documentary about the internet and had a heated debate about Obamacare.

When I say we had a heated debate about Obamacare, I am not suggesting that the glove can speak. He simply nodded in agreement while I went over my 45 bullet points. So if you have lost a left-handed black glove that has the capabilities of speech, I apologize, this is not your glove. Your search, unfortunately, continues.

But if the glove you have lost is left-handed with a little bit of an attitude and a lot of heart, this could very well be your glove. Contact me and we will start negotiating a price. I wish I could simply return the glove to you, but I don't have much money and I want some of yours.

Location: St Louis Park, MN
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 
 
 
PostingID: 312xxxxxxxxxxx

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[WaddWatsonEllis]

Okay...


A guy walks into a bar an sees this gorgeous blonde sitting by herself

After imbibing a lot of Dutch Courage, he walked over to her, put out his hand, and said, "Hi, Ben Colter here"

She looked at his hand for several moments before replying, "Ain't been no colder here than anyplace else".

Budda  Boom!

TTFN,

[Arcey]

A duck walks inta 7-11, ‘Ya got any grapes?’

‘This is 7-11, we don’t have grapes.’

Next day the duck walks in, ‘Ya got any grapes?’

‘No I told ya we don’t have grapes, period!’

Next day the duck walks in………………………

‘Listen, Duck! We ain’t got no grapes. If ya come in here tomorrow askin’ for ‘em I’m gonna nail yer nasty l’il feet ta the floor.’

Next day the duck walks in, ‘Got any nails?’

Clerk sez, ‘No!’

‘Great! Got any grapes?’

[Delmonico]

Okay...


A guy walks into a bar an sees this gorgeous blonde sitting by herself

After imbibing a lot of Dutch Courage, he walked over to her, put out his hand, and said, "Hi, Ben Colter here"

She looked at his hand for several moments before replying, "Ain't been no colder here than anyplace else".

Budda  Boom!

TTFN,

Sounds like a Sheb Wooley joke to me.

[Arcey]

A drunk opens the front passenger’s door of a taxi ‘n sticks ‘is head in………

‘Can ya carry two pizzas ‘n a twelve pack up here?’

Cabby sez, ‘Shur!’

Drunks sez……………………. ‘Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf………..’

[litl rooster]

I just stole this one from Colter 1860

I went to a Chineese restaurant  with a jewish feller from up north.  I axed the waitress if there were any Chineese jews? 

She said no, we got orange joos, tomato joos, and grape joos but no Chineese joos

[Arcey]

Bar went ‘n bought a robot bartender.

Ole boy orders a whiskey. Robot asked ‘im what ‘is IQ is.

140

Robot talks ‘bout advances in medicine, physics ‘n aero-space.

Next day the ole boy’s back. Orders whiskey. Same question from the ‘bot.

100

The thing speaks of sports ‘n wimmen.

Next day…………….

69

Robot asks if he’s still happy he voted for O’Bama.

[Delmonico]

Ok not really a stolen joke, was a product of my quick thinking.  I'm sure you all no what merineo wool is yuppies pay high prices for it and call it smart wool.  Is the softest type of wool, from the merino breed of sheep.

The other day one of the bosses was up in the work dept, we were putting socks away, he looked at me and asked if I know exactly what merino wool was, he knew it was softer but wondered what they did to make it softer.  Well i told him it was the breed of sheep that made it merino wool.

Then I told him they had been specifically bred by sheep herders to prevent chaffing.

Poor guy, one of these days he's going to get his eyes stuck in the top of his head when he rolls them up like that.

[mestiza letty]

Got some "Marino wool" mittens & socks in NZ when I went over in '00
Finally folks are "catchin' on" here but callin' it somethin' stupid & uppin' the $$. They have a oppssum (non-native species) that also has soft hair & they "mix" the 2 together

[litl rooster]

Shooter 13 post these over th Marlin Firearms forum


Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American! 

[The Trinity Kid]

What did the tree say to the boulder?

--TK