Another Joke

Started by Bullwinkle, November 11, 2015, 02:23:53 PM

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" Out golfing one day, Moses and Jesus both hit their drives down the fairway and land a few feet from the water hazard. Jesus selects his 7 iron for the stoke onto the green and Moses suggests he use the 9 iron to avoid landing in the water. Jesus replies that he saw Arnold Palmer shoot an eagle on this hole with the 7 and if Arnold could do it, so could he. Sure enough He lands His shot right in the middle of the pond. While He is walking across the water to retrieve His ball, one of the guys from the foursome waiting at the tee gets perturbed at the delay and shouts, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ"? Moses shouts back, "No! He thinks He's Arnold Palmer"!!!!!! "


" Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer", said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do", his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house", Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. "


" A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!" "


" When I die, I want to go out peacefully, in my sleep, just like my dear old Grandpa..
(Not screaming hysterically like the three other people riding in his car with him.) "


" I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned. "



A Minneapolis lawyer went duck hunting up north. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly Norwegian farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "Dis is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes. We settle small disagreements like dis with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's breakfast gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his ample rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have da duck." "


My son sent me this one.........

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick.  I passed her a glue stick instead.  She hasn't spoken to me since.

HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

I came...  I saw...  I had NO idea what was going on...

Diane Amberg

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