Old Folk Jokes
" 65 year old guy goes to the doctor. He's in great shape. Doctor says, "You've got good genes. How old was your father when he died?" Guy says, "Did I say my father had died?" Doctor says, "You mean your father is still alive? How old is he?" Guy says, "My father is 87." Doctor says, "That's great! How old was your grandfather when he died?" Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather had died?" Doctor says, "You mean your grandfather is still living? How old is he and how is his health?" Guy says, "My grandfather is 112 years old and he is in great shape. He just got married last month!" Doc says, "Why in the world would a 112 year old want to get married?" Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather WANTED to get married?" "
Men&Women Jokes
" At his 50th wedding anniversary party, a man was asked how he and his wife had gotten along so well all of these years. He said that before they married, they decided that he would make all of the big decisions and she would make all of the small ones and that luckily for them, all of the decisions were small. "
Chuckle, I heard a version of that one in high school. Bear in mind that Red China was not in the U.N. at the time.
Their agreement was that she would make all the small decisions and he would make all the big decisions.
She would decide the small stuff as to what car they would have and how much it would cost. She would also decide what house they would have and how much it would cost.
He would make the big decisions as to "Should Red China be admitted to the U.N;" Who the next president should be, etc.
" Did you hear that they are replacing laboratory rats with lawyers? Seems that there are more of them available, the lab technicians do not become as attached to them and lawyers will do things rats just won't do. "
" It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught today?'
'You're the eighth.' "
" A bottle collector goes around his neighborhood looking for bottles. He comes to a house and knocks on the door. An old woman opens it up and gruffly asks, "What do ya want? The man backs up a bit and asks nicely, "Do you have any old beer bottles?" The lady once again asks, in the same harsh way, "Do I look like I drink beer?" The man asks politely, "Well, do you have any old vinegar bottles?" "
" A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia. huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" "
" A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds that it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. The men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing." "
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."*******************************
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
" Q: What is the longest period of time known to man?
A. The time between paychecks.
Q. What is the shortest period of time known to man?
A. The time it takes to spend a paycheck. "
" Out golfing one day, Moses and Jesus both hit their drives down the fairway and land a few feet from the water hazard. Jesus selects his 7 iron for the stoke onto the green and Moses suggests he use the 9 iron to avoid landing in the water. Jesus replies that he saw Arnold Palmer shoot an eagle on this hole with the 7 and if Arnold could do it, so could he. Sure enough He lands His shot right in the middle of the pond. While He is walking across the water to retrieve His ball, one of the guys from the foursome waiting at the tee gets perturbed at the delay and shouts, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ"? Moses shouts back, "No! He thinks He's Arnold Palmer"!!!!!! "
" Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer", said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do", his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house", Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. "
" A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!" "
" When I die, I want to go out peacefully, in my sleep, just like my dear old Grandpa..
(Not screaming hysterically like the three other people riding in his car with him.) "
" I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned. "
" THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER
A Minneapolis lawyer went duck hunting up north. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly Norwegian farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "Dis is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes. We settle small disagreements like dis with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's breakfast gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his ample rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have da duck." "
My son sent me this one.........
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I passed her a glue stick instead. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Larryj
HA! BOOOO! ;D