bad, but funny joke

[gophergrease]

Back in the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
 
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West, in his day.
 
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
 
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
 
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
 
"Sure will," said the old timer.
 
The young man did as he was told, stood up,  whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
 
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
 
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
 
"You bet it will," said the old timer.
 
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
 
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' sumthin' here." "Got anymore tips?"
 
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
 
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
 
"No," said the old timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
 
No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt near as much.

[Ornery Orr]

Classic 

[Silver Creek Slim]

 

Slim

[Advertising]

[Trinity]

 

[Russ T Chambers]

This one came in offin' the CAS List

The old cowboy

The old cowboy had lived a long and full life, well into his 90's

One day his grandson came to him and asked, "Grampa, what's your secret
for living such a long, full life?"

"Gunpowder," he said. "Every morning I sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder
into my cereal."

And so the young man took the advice from that day on.  Every morning he
sprinkled a pinch of gun powder into his cereal.

He lived a full life and made it to the ripe old age of 98, leaving
behind 6 children, 13 grandchildren, 28 great-grandchildren and.....

a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

[Trinity]

 

[gophergrease]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,  a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
 
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in  the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is  on the
stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks,  "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and  when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone,  lady, I'm
married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[Bushwack Bill]

Two cowpokes were camping out on the trail when they hear a voice from the dark asking if he could join them.

Being friendly, they invited the stranger to join them and offered some of their coffee and stew.

Sitting down on the other side of their camp fire the stranger thanked them and partook of the offered meal.

While he was eating, one of the cowpokes ask why he was out here all alone and with no horse.

To that the stranger said "It's a long story, but since you've been kind enough to share your food and drink with me I'll tell you."

"A while back I went up into the hills to hunt down a mountain lion that was killing calves from my herd.  I tracked that varmit down from the valley all the way up into the hills.

As I began to see fresher signs each day i tracked him harder and finally got a glimpse of him up in the rocks.  I found his prints in the dirt and followed them into a cave.

At first the cave was real dark, so I stopped to let my eyes adjust to the dim light.  Then I snuck in, quiet as a mouse.  As I got to the end of the cave, the light from the enterence dimmed.  Turning around I saw the big cat outlined in the light at the mouth of the cave.  I brought up my Winchester an took a bead on that murdering feline.  And then I pulled the trigger.  All I heard was a "CLICK."
The stranger paused for a few long seconds.  One of the cowpokes asked excitedly, "What happened then?"

To which the stranger replied.  "It ate me!"  and he then disappeared.

[Forty Rod]

We was out huntin' some outlaws one time and followed 'em into a large box canyon.  We went in real cautious-like, but they slipped around behind us and we were trapped.  The odds were about 75 to 3, but we weren't gonna give up without a fight.

The Sheriff told us to fort up as best we could, so we hunkered down and did what we could to defend ourselves. 

I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever see my family and friends again.  Those 75 to 3 odds had me downright concerned.

Just at daylight they started toward us.  We  had our backs to the wall and there wasn't no way we could get out except right throrugh the middle of 'em.

75 to 3, and they were closin' in.  The Sheriff whispered to us to conserve our ammo and make every shot count.  He had us hold our fire until we couldn't possibly miss. 

Those odds kept runnin' through my head: 75 to 3.

Finally when they were so close I could count the hairs in their ears, the Sheriff yelled, "Fire!!!  Give 'em hell, boys!!!"

We opened up at point blank range and the smoke and flame filled that canyon, the roar of guns was like the thunder of doom, and the cry of ricochets sounded like a hundred cats being stepped on all at once.

Suddenly the shootin' stopped and I looked over my rock-pile fort as the breeze cleared the smoke away.  There, not more'n a few yards away were the bad guys, dead...
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...all three of 'em.

[Scattered Thumbs]

 

[litl rooster]

  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 75 to 3 = 25 to 1 math is so confussing good jokes though

[Forty Rod]

We ain't doin' no mathemusical radios here.  These is strayet actuarial numbers, not some promugated artifiscal thang that don't makes no cents to any hummin bean.

Sides, it wooden half ben funny if ther had only ben won of the culverts an' twenty-won deputations.

[Joyce (AnnieLee)]

Culvert... isn't that a place where the water rushes when it rains? Culvert? How about Culprit? Or, since you are in a creative spelling frame of mind, "Kulpret"?



AnnieLee

[Forty Rod]

Don't be redundicous. Kulpret ain't a reel word.

[Delmonico]

Well I've got a good one..............................................................................................................................................
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But Slim and the Marshall will be upset if'n I post it.

[gophergrease]

Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray,
and the rabbit,  but not ONE named for a dog?  We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard
to rename the "Chrysler Eagle"  the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal  instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers,
beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans 
understand?

Dear God:
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,  etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty  litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'... neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and
    registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately  drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with her and she makes that noise, it's
      usually not a good thing.

And, finally . . .

Dear God:
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[Forty Rod]

One night a travelling salesman was out in the middle of nowhere (Nebraska) and his car broke down.  It was raining like a western Pacific typhoon, wind and all.  He knew he was miles from the nearest settlement of any size (Nebraska) and it was getting colder, the rain turning to sleet. (Nebraska)  Off in the distance he could just make out the lights of a farm house.  Bundling up the best he could he bravely set out toward the only shelter in sight.

Fighting wind and sleet he managed, three hours later to stagger and crawl onto the porch of a sizeable farm house.  Mustering the last of his strength, he knocked.  The farmer drrug him into the kitchen and propped him up near the big iron wood range and threw another log on the fire. 

The salesman finally warmed enough to tell his tale and the farmer clucked knowingly. (Nebraska)  He offered the salesman a bed for the night with the promise ofd help getting his car running again when the sun rose in the morning.

"The only thing though," the farmer explained "Is we ain't got much room here.  You'll have to share a bed with my teen aged son."

As the salesman struggled back into his wet coat and shoes, the farmer stopped him and said, "Mister, you'll freeze to death out there.  Why do you want to leave?"

The salesman continued toward the door and answered. "Because I'm in the wrong joke!"

[litl rooster]

Well I've got a good one..............................................................................................................................................
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But Slim and the Marshall will be upset if'n I post it.

a oldie but a goodie

[litl rooster]

This one I heard at the shoot this past month....

Why won't you ever see a CSI West Virginia(or some state you'd rather pick on), television show?


All the dna is the same and there is no dental records.

[Capt. Hamp Cox]

A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, 'That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!' Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth. Next he hears a voice, 'Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!' He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, 'That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!' He immediately calls the waiter over and says, 'Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look! Am I GOING CRAZY?? 'Oh', the waiter nonchalantly replies, 'those are just the peanuts'. 'The PEANUTS?!?' the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him .

'Yes,' replies the waiter, 'they're complimentary!!