New International Terror Alerts

[Mean Matt McCord]

UPI dateline: Washington
Raised Security Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security levels from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. In a strong statement from the British Parliament, terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the Brits issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced recently that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Not surprisingly, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increase the alert level in it's country from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Only two more levels remain for Italians: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Not to be outdone, the Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They, too, have only two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and thus destroying their economy and any international attention their country still receives.

Elsewhere, the Canadian Parliament has unanimously decided to have another beer.

(DISCLAIMER: I don't make them up, I merely pass them along.)