Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 179539 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2400 on: December 08, 2014, 12:03:29 PM »
Today's------short one.....

Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!"

The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps. it's these darned low handrails!

___________________________________________

Today is Monday, December 8, the 342nd day of the year.  There are 23 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt asked Congress for a declaration of war against Japan.

In 1941, Congress declared war on Japan a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1941, Jeanette Rankin, the first woman elected to Congress and a dedicated lifelong pacifist, casted the sole vote against the declaration of war against Japan.

In 1980, John Lennon was shot to death in New York City by a deranged fan.

In 1993, The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was signed into law by President Bill Clinton.

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Today----Flutist James Galway is 75, Singer Jerry Butler is 75, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 67 and Actress Kim Basinger is 61.

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December 8th is:  Green Monday and Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day.

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Quip for the day......In alcohol's defense I have done some pretty dumb stuff when sober also.

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A bit of trivia.....The Kansas state flower, the wild native sunflower, was adopted in 1903.

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You know you're in Kansas when you had to make a beer run across state lines.

___________________________________________

Larryj


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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2401 on: December 09, 2014, 10:35:14 AM »
Today's-------hah......

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, December 9, the 343rd day of the year.  There are 22 days left in the year.

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In 1835, the newly formed Texan Army took possession of San Antonio, an important victory for the Republic of Texas in it's war for independence from Mexico.

In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 1962, the Petrified Forest in Arizona was designated a national park.

In 1965, "A Charlie Brown Christmas," the first animated special featuring characters from the "Peanuts" comic strip by Charles M Schulz, was first broadcast by CBS-TV.

In 1972, singer Helen Reddy reached the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "I am woman."

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Today----Actor Kirk Douglas is 98, Actor Dick Van Patten is 86, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 84, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 80, Author Mary Downing Hahn is 77, Actor Beau Bridges is 73, Football player Dick Butkus is 72, Author Sarah Smith is 67, Actor Michael Dorn is 62 and Actor John Malkovich is 61.

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December 9th is:  International Anti-corruption Day and Weary Willie Day.

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Quip for the day........I can't wait to procrastinate.

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A bit of trivia.....There are 25 National Historic Landmarks in Kansas.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see a Spangles.

___________________________________________

Larryj


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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2402 on: December 10, 2014, 11:16:50 AM »
Today's---good one.....

A woman dies and goes to Heaven.  She is amazed by all the beauty and asks St. Peter, "Is this really Heaven?"

St. Peter says, "Yes, it is. But in order to enter you must spell a word."  The woman says, "What word?"  St. Peter says, "Any word."  So she thinks and then spells the word "Love."  St. Peter tells her she is allowed to enter Heaven, but he would like a favor.  He wanted to go to the bathroom and would she mind watching the gate for a few minutes?  So she sits in St. Peter's chair and before long a man approaches.  She realizes it is her loser husband.  She asked him, "What happened to you?"  He says, "I got so drunk at your funeral I got in a car accident and died."  Then he asks, "Is this Heaven?"  She says that it is, but he must spell a word to gain entrance.  He says, "What word?"  She says........,

"Czechoslovakia."

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, December 10, the 344th day of the year.  There are 21 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1869, Wyoming Territorial Legislators passed a bill granting women the right to vote.

In 1915, the 1 millionth Ford car rolled off the assembly line at the River Rouge plant in Detroit.

In 1948, the U.N. General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

In 1964, Martin Luther King Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo.

In 1967, a plane crash near Madison, Wisconsin, killed soul singer Otis Redding and members of the Bar-Kays Band.

In 1972, Baseball's American League adopted the designated hitter rule on an experimental basis for three years.

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Today----Soap opera creator Agnes Nixon is 87, Actress Fionnula Flanigan is 73, Singer Gloria Loring is 68, Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 63 and Actress Susan Dey is 62.

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December 10th is:  Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day, Jane Addams Day and Nobel Prize Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Of course I'm gonna drive!  I'm too drunk to walk.

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A bit of trivia.......Some of the first Angus cattle brought to this country were 4 Angus bulls transported to Kansas in 1873.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when tornado drills are a regular exercise for school children.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2403 on: December 11, 2014, 11:19:09 AM »
Today's------hah.........

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, December 11, the 345th day of the year.  There are 20 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1936, Britain's King Edward III abdicated the throne so he could marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.  His brother, Prince Albert, became King George VI.

In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.

In 1946, the General Assembly of the United Nations voted to establish the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund...UNICEF.

In 1964, singer-songwriter Sam Cooke was shot to death by a motel manager in Los Angeles.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actor Dilip Kumar is 92, Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 84, Actress Rita Moreno is 83, Actress Donna Mills is 74, Actress Teri Garr is 70, Country singer Brenda Lee is 70, Author Rachel Renee Russell is 69, Guitarist Martin Stone is 68, Talk show host Bill Cunningham is 67 and Singer Jermaine Jackson is 60.

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December 11th is:  International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.

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Quip for the day........I wanted to grow my own food, but I couldn't find any bacon seeds.

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A bit of trivia........When the commemorative quarter was started, Kansas was the fourth state released in 2005.

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You know you're in Kansas when those awkward tan lines on your arms, legs and feet are actually dirt lines.

___________________________________________

Larryj


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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2404 on: December 12, 2014, 10:33:27 AM »
Today's-------hah....

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.

"My dad died," the boy replied.

"That's terrible, when did it happen?"

"Five years ago," the boy said.

"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"

"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

Bonus......

Q.  What happens when you play a country music backwards?
A.  You get your dog back, you get your truck back and your wife still loves you.

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, December 12, the 346th day of the year.  There are 19 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1787, Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.

In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, California.

In 1970, Smoky Robinson and the Miracles scored a #1 hit on Motown Records with "Tears of a clown."

___________________________________________

Today---Former TV host Bob Barker is 91, TV show host Lionel Blair is 83, Singer Connie Francis is 76, Singer Dionne Warwick is 74, Former race car driver Emerson Fitipaldi is 68, Actor Bill Nighy is 65, Astronaut Steven Hawley is 63, Gymnast Cathy Rigby is 62 and Guitarist Bruce Kulick (KISS) is 61.

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December 13th is:  Gingerbread House Day, National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day, National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day, Official Lost And Found Day and Poinsettia Day.

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Quip for the day.....I never finish anythi

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A bit of trivia......Gardner, in Johnson County Kansas, was founded when the California Trail, The Santa Fe Trail and The Oregon Train divided sending travelers on different routes to the West.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you know what an EF3 means.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2405 on: December 13, 2014, 03:05:58 PM »
Today's----some political correctness please......

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.

___________________________________________

Today is Saturday, December 13, the 347th day of the year.  There are 18 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1621, the first American furs to be exported from the continent left for England aboard the Fortune.


In 1798, Joseph Walker, one of the greatest trailblazing mountain men and the first Anglo-American to see Yosemite, was born in Tennessee.

In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.

In 1928, George Gershwin's "An American in Paris" had its premiere at Carnegie Hall in New York.

In 1962, the United States launched Relay 1, a communications satellite which retransmitted television, telephone and digital signals.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 89, Actor Christopher Plummer is 85, Music/film producer  Lou Adler is 81, Singer John Davidson is 73, Baseball player Ferguson Jenkins is 72, Guitarist Ted Nugent (Amboy Dukes) is 66, Actor Robert Lindsay is 65, Country singer Randy Owen (Alabama) is 65, Actress Wendy Malick is 64 and Comedian Jim Davidson is 61.

___________________________________________

December 13th is:  Tic Tac Toe Day, Gingerbread Decorating Day, Pick A Pathologist Day, Day Of The Horse and International Shareware Day.
(Note:  Tic Tac Toe Day refers to the numerical succession of date numbers, i.e., 12/13/14.  This will not occur now until 1/2/3000.)
___________________________________________

Quip for the day....Sometimes I question my sanity.  Occasionally it replies.

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A bit of trivia.....Elk County has 96.81% good air quality.

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You know you're in Kansas when the real way to pronounce the state and river is arKANSAS.

___________________________________________

Larryj

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2406 on: December 14, 2014, 10:44:53 AM »
Today's----hah.......

It was the first day of school after summer vacation. The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.

THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter."

The first one is "gross" and the other one is "cool".  Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.

In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks..."So, what are they?"

___________________________________________

Today is Sunday, December 14, the 348th day of the year.  There are 17 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at Mount Vernon, Virginia, at age 67.

In 1909, workers placed the last of the 3.2 million 10-pound bricks that paved the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in Speedway, Indiana.

In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish the U.N. headquarters in New York.

In 1977, Saturday Night Fever, starring John Travolta, premiered at Mann's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles.

___________________________________________

Today----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 94, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 83, Actor Hal Williams is 76, Actress Janette Scott is 76, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 68, Actress Patty Duke is 68, Bassist Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 65, Actress Vicki Michelle is 64 and Actress Celia Weston is 63.

___________________________________________

December 14th is:  Monkey Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Although the Kansas Constitution was amended to allow the sale alcoholic liquor by the individual drink, Elk County remained a "dry" county.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas if you have chigger bites.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline W. Gray

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2407 on: December 14, 2014, 01:55:04 PM »
The 1909 feat of laying 3.2 million ten pound bricks at Indianapolis Speedway got me to wondering about the number of men, how long it took, etc.

After some searching:

It took five months for 500 workers and 300 mules working around the clock to do the bricking.

Could not find a cost one site mentions $30,000 cost for cement but that may have referred to the crushed limestone filler.

Overall on a 24-hour basis, 640,000 bricks laid per month; 21,333 per day; 889 per hour.
"If one of the many corrupt...county-seat contests must be taken by way of illustration, the choice of Howard County, Kansas, is ideal." Dr. Everett Dick, The Sod-House Frontier, 1854-1890.
"One of the most expensive county-seat wars in terms of time and money lost...” Dr. Homer E Socolofsky, KSU

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2408 on: December 15, 2014, 10:24:09 AM »
Today's------good one......

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.

“Yes!” the man replied.

“Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She don't know nothing about cars.”

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Today is Monday, December 15, the 349th day of the year.  There are 16 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.

In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, South Dakota, during a confrontation with Indian police.

In 1944, Bandleader Glenn Miller disappeared over the English Channel en-route to France to perform a concert for American troops.

In 2009, Boeing's new 787 "Dreamliner" jet went on its first test flight, lifting off from Paige Field in Everett, Washington.

___________________________________________

Today--Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 81, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 75, Football player Nick Buoniconti is 74, Musician-songwriter Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 72, Actor Don Johnson is 65 and Movie director Julie Taynor is 62.

___________________________________________

December 15th is:  Bill of Rights Day and Cat Herders Day.

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Quip for the day.....I'm out of bed and dressed.  What more do you want?

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Smallville is a fictional city in Kansas created as the hometown of Clark Kent, future Superman.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you see lightning bugs down by the lake.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2409 on: December 16, 2014, 11:20:48 AM »
Today's-------hah......

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon the dog that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, December 16, the 350th day of the year.  There are 15 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.

In 1811, the first of the powerful New Madrid earthquakes struck the central Mississippi Valley with an estimated magnitude of 7.7.

In 1944, the Battle of the Bulge began as Germans launched their last major offensive of the war.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman proclaimed a national state of emergency in order to fight "world conquest by Communist Imperialism."

___________________________________________

Today----Actress Joyce Bulifant is 76, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 73, TV producer Steven Bochco is 71, Singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 68, Actor Christopher Biggins is 66 and Guitarist Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 65.

___________________________________________

December 16th is:  Barbie And Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......I'm not fat.  I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......16 counties in Kansas were named for Indian tribes -- 4 are now defunct.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you can see a tractor pulling a hay baler pulling a hay wagon.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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