Monday, December 7, 2009
I saw this and did put it in my dieters column, but just incase I decided to share it here and start a new thread.
It is funny, and maybe truthful. Merry Eating (I mean Christmas) God bless
Christmas Treats
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
;D ;D ;D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
Good one, Judy!!! ::)
You Make Me Laugh
Monday, December 14, 2009 Email Facebook Twitter Free Newsletters
FROLIC Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
:D :D ;D :D :D
Christmas Cookies
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
:P :P :o :o ::) ::) ;D ;D
Wooooooo Hooooooooooooo
:P :P :P :P :P :P :P
And what time and where is the Christmas Cookie baking party?
I am not much of a cook/baker. Is this a real cookie or a made up one?
Not that I would attempt to bake it. Just wondering?
I think any cookie recipe would work, just add the Jose Cuervo.
Thanks Wilma.......I hadn't figured that out........LOL>.. you are so bad!
A little bit of your daughter in you?
Since this is about Christmas I'll put this on here.
Awesome lighted house.
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
;) :D ;D :angel:
Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus
1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.
4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
;D :D ;) :) :angel:
Now that one I really like!
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
>From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
A friend loveth at all times. :D ;) :) :D
That's the Santa I want! :D
Maybe if we close our eyes and dream. Just don't go near the mirror.