SUMMARY OF MY PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387, 258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $234,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
:)Another good one. In the old days I forwarded so much stuff, which I totally believed, only to have a few of my meticulous friends look it up and then send an e-mail to everyone we knew, that my e-mail was actually bogus. Every now and then one still gets by me. If I forwarded everything that I got about saving someone from something, I wouldn't have any friends anymore.
I guess I'm a natural skeptic. I see through most of that stuff. Oh, I got another solicitation from the March of Dimes. That makes 5 in just a few weeks.
Judy, that was funny funny funny and yes, we all get those stinking e-mails and I have yet to be struck dead or crippled because I didn't forward something to 15 friends within 15 minutes, and I missed out on the millions of dollars cause I refused to participate in their polls and some poor child is still lost and sick because I didn't add my name to some list. :-\
I'm with you, Flo. Whatever happens or wherever you are sent because you didn't follow instructions, I'll be there, too. I do hate missing out on all those millions, though.
It is interesting to visit snopes.com and see what they have to say about all this stuff. Most of the ones that want an email address are not in truth petitions as represented, but a ruse to collect email addresses for spam purposes. It is an interesting site.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple
of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, Naturally...
I assumed you had stolen the car."
Priceless.
If you see this on your way out the door in the moring......
turn around ..go back in and have another cup of coffee.
It's probably not going to be a very good day! :-\
Two Docs
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
Two doctors
opened an office in a small town
and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy
with the sign, so the
doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either,
so in an effort to
satisfy the council, they
changed the name to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came:
"Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end,
the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
Here's An Idea For This Hunting Season....
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it
down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. .It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED!!!
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was
mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several
large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set
beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a
deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it doesn't immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co- op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I'd just come from a bar-room brawl. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear, not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.
Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider, a "city folk", I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb-butt that tried to rope the deer.
12-Step Internet Recovery Program
1 I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2 I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3 I will get dressed before noon.
4 I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5 I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6 I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7 I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8 I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9 I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10 I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11 I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12 Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
All mothers will relate to this one. I couldn't resist sending this on.
Potty Stop
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom.
If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?" At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy we'll both have some!"
"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!"
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under DA door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?"
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"
I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?"
But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)
Oh this makes me so glad that I made it through the raising of my kids.
Tears formed. Can we not relate to kids and the darnest things they will say.
Tell a child and your tell the world............suppose he took this to show and tell?
Thanks Teresa.
Hugs and God bless
Judy
Father - Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Janet, I loved your "Father-Daughter Talk." What a great illustration!
Now I really liked that . I am going to send it on to some people.. ;D
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.
"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?"
he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing
puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
(ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!)
Justice, Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients at a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there .
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged , since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
OH, BOO! ::)
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, I now only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm trying to be understanding.....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
I believe he's got the right idea! How cute.......
Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes . ..
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."
My, oh my! And I thought I had a rotten sense of humor. ;D
A father walks into a bookstore with his three year old son. The boy has a quarter in one hand. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts shouting for help.
An attractive woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up; puts down the cup; neatly folds the paper and places it on the counter; and gets up and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and, then, ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the child's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and, without a word, returns to her coffee and paper.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Nope," the woman replied, "Divorce attorney".
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh** out of a ghost."
(http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Holidays/Halloween/blue_ghost.gif)
A very large family was having a reunion, with a dinner and a dance. Two of the younger men were very always looking for pranks to pull on someone, and this time they chose their Grandfather. The put a Viagra pill in the cocktail he was drinking. They waited and watched him closely. After a while the elderly gentleman got up to go to the restroom. After a while he returned and the front of his trousers was all wet. They went over to him and asked," Grandpa, what happened here?" Grandpa replied, "well, boys, I had to go to the restroom, and when I got it out, I knew it wasn't mine, so I put it back in".
Now, I really laughed at that one. Jo, that is so funny.
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de- light and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael,
the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What
is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of
earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place
of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people,
and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things," God continued point ing to
different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then
pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place
on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and
streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers
of software!."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there
would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till
you see the idiots I put there." :D :angel:
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude
and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09
minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met
, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'
BUMPER STICKERS FOR LADIES
So many men, so few who can afford me
Coffee, chocolate, men, some things are just better rich
Don't treat me any different than you would a queen
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun
WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time
Do not start with me, you will not win
All stressed out and no one to choke
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people
How can I miss you if you won't go away
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
If you want breakfast is bed, sleep in the kitchen
I love them all ;D and have a couple of them, but I'd never dare put them on my car.
*SMART ASS ANSWER #6** *
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #5** *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I
need
to see your ticket not your stub."
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #4* *
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."*
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.* *
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."* *
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a
ticket.*
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #2*
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
*SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 200**7* *
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says.* *
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."*
*
KEEP SMILING - - ITS CATCHING!*
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it
on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more
fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to
cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
won a major upset and began mocking the French by
waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck
yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually
changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger
salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers
on the arrows used with the longbow that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH
TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper as down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up
to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you
close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed
the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was
open,and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question
about his "garage door."
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask her,
"When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in
there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini
van with two flat tires."
With the lack of rain in North Carolina, the Baptists have started baptizing by sprinkling, the Methodists have started using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are taking rain checks and the Catholics are praying that the wine will turn back to water.
Now that's dry!!!!
Now that's funny, that's what that is. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Things you can't say with a Hallmark:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Life like!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."
WOW...ooch, ouch, yikes.
Stress management
Just in case you have had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The world"!
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See...You are smiling already!
Georgia :
The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary
for some mathematical help. He called her into his
office and said, "You graduated from the University of
Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings. "
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired
off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied "he'd rather be in Louisiana
because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup
truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side
of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in
front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did
understand it neither."
And My favorite:
You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
Little Joanie's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Joanie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Joanie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Little Joanie watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" she asked. "To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Joanie. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Joanie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said,
"Joanie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Joanie quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
; * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Joanie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "Th e detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Joanie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Joanie attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as her father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Joanie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" Her father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Jo anie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
The Outhouse...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Love it!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
This one is true. Many years ago when I was teaching 5th grade we were doing a social studies unit on farmers, landlords, sharecroppers, slaves and agriculture. We were looking at a painting that had been reproduced on a page in the text. It showed a person handing a big basket of vegetables up to a man on horseback. I asked one little girl to tell what kind of vegetables were in the basket. She answered," corn, pumpkins, and smash." I couldn't talk for a few minutes for fear I would completly lose it! ;D ;D ;D
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
;D ;D ;D How true! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary."
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, "Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive.
To help you with the Holiday planning.
ITALIAN PASTA DIET: IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Also:
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
NINE MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their wa y.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
( Now keep that smile for the rest of the day)[/b]
The Wal-Mart Cat~
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest re___tailer in the world!!!
Judy, I'm not sure why the cat's tail was hiding in the grass... ;D, but that is a wonderful 3rd grade joke! ;D
You can always trust a Texan for a solution to a problem!
Bumper sticker spotted on a Silverado pick up truck on loop 610 in Houston , Texas , on Oct 30, 2007
'I WISH HILLARY HAD MARRIED OJ'
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean. ;D ;D ;D :) ;)
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
'Someone in this congregation has spread a
rumor that I belong
to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which
a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this. Now, I
want the party who did this to Stand and
ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do
you have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you
will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond
with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her
head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend
there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a
member of the Ku
Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife
fainted, and the
Congregation roared!
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voi c e.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today. :)
Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.
"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."
Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."
Two British traffic patrol officers were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was record ed at over 300 mph. Then their radar suddenly stopped working. The officers were not able to reset it.
Just as their radar gun quit working there was a deafening roar over the treetops revealing that the radar gun had actually latched on to a 'Tornado' fighter jet approaching from the North, that was engaged in a low-level flight exercise.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff angry complaint to the RAF ( Royal Air Force) Liaison office.
The following reply was received for the RAF:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the 'Tornado' had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto you and your equipment.
Fortunately the pilot flying the 'Tornado' recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.
Good Day"