Elk County Forum

Quote from: Bullwinkle on January 21, 2014, 10:00:56 AM
     
     With other foot behind my neck, doing my morning yoga, sometimes I log in just to see what the "amazing Warphster" has found lately. :o ??? ::) 8) :-*

MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin received "strong, unqualified words of support" last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today.

The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as "extremely collegial and enthusiastic."

"We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers," he said. "There was strong agreement on all of these matters."

Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation "exceedingly helpful." He added: "It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect."

Buoyed by last night's positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. "It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going," he said.

KIEV - A surprise appearance by the actor John Travolta today in Kiev's Independence Square has further confused the situation in Ukraine, witnesses on the ground report.

According to several accounts, Mr. Travolta flew to Ukraine in his self-piloted private jet in the hopes of raising morale in the embattled country, but only served to perplex Ukrainians with a brief but indecipherable speech.

In his remarks, Mr. Travolta referred to Ukraine as "Cranium" and Crimea as "IKEA" before hopping back into his cockpit and flying away.

The speech rattled the nerves of the Ukrainians who heard it, according to reports.

In the words of one witness: "We are no longer sure what country we are living in."

Sure, there is still healthy debate as to whether or not Barry "the rock" Barack Hussein Osama-Obuma is really an American.  History will surely judge that.  But a bigger question is; is he the worst human being to ever step foot in these great American United States of ours?

Some would argue "no", but they would also likely be the sorts who would tell you it's okay for a man to marry a fish, steal guns away from law-abiding citizens, have babies with their fathers, and "live free."

I took to the streets of Surprise, AZ to get a fair, unbiased sample of what Americans think of president drone-strike.

"There's rugs in the White House, right?" asked Marjorie Namewithheld.  "How do we know they're not Islam prayer rugs?" she rightly inquired, echoing the sentiments of so very many Americans.

"Worst American ever?" asked Jeremiah Waltersmithe, a walter smith from North Phx. "I guess since Hitler wasn't American, then yeah."

I skipped the answers from the next nine respondents before I got to Maribeth Mariples.  "I think it's clear the way he keeps adding more and more government jobs that yes, he's the worst."

Asked to rank him compared to John Wilkes Boothe and Lee Harvey Oswald, she said, "Obuma is the worst... number one.  Sham-wow guy second, all the Kardashians, then Boothe, then [the cast of] Will and Grace, Beth from church, Gavin Newsome, Lee Harvey Oswald, all the people that watch Glee, Democrats, then Satan, tow truck drivers, collection agents and then people from the IRS."

The evidence, while anecdotal at best, is clear, striking and undeniable.  Several people from a large sample in an extremely red city believe Obuma is the worst American ever, at least among those who believe he's an American.  This is proof conclusive.

WASHINGTON — Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress.

Admitting that diplomatic outreach efforts in the area have so far proven unsuccessful, the president claimed that his administration is weighing the feasibility of committing combat troops to both the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives in order to bring lasting peace and stability to the chaos-afflicted legislature.

"We have not yet made a decision as to how we are going to address this rapidly deteriorating situation, but at this point I can tell you that military action is indeed on the table," Obama told reporters at a morning press conference, emphasizing that he is "deeply troubled" by the escalating hostilities and diminishing prospects for unity on the Congressional floor. "Clearly, sending our young men and women into this tumultuous war zone is not ideal, and I still hope to resolve the situation through peaceful means. But as the conflict continues to worsen, it becomes increasingly evident that the deployment of our armed forces may be our only real option."


"We cannot stand idly by and allow this senseless mayhem to continue," the president continued.

According to international observers, the United States Capitol ranks as among the most turbulent and unstable regions in the world, dominated by warring factions of rogue lawmakers who have shown neither the ability nor the willingness to peacefully resolve their differences.

As conditions worsen by the day, the president confirmed to reporters that he and his military advisors are currently evaluating the merits of a military option, suggesting that his administration has left open the possibility of toppling the hostile, unpredictable leadership currently reigning over the legislative assembly and restoring order to the Capitol building.

"Our efforts at resolving this conflict through conventional, non-military means have not only failed but seemingly emboldened extremists in the region," said Obama, noting that while the United States does have some allies on the ground within the Senate, the administration has been almost completely cut off from the House for some time. "Right now there are millions of people who are hopelessly trapped under Congress' corrupt rule, and it's doubtful we'll see any kind of progress in the area without either military intervention or a full-scale revolution, which is unlikely."


While the White House continues to explore the use of armed forces in Congress, some military experts have expressed doubts as to the prospects of such an operation, saying that a full-scale invasion of the Capitol building represents a costly and uncertain venture that could hamstring the U.S. for the foreseeable future.

"We may have to accept the fact that the deep fissures afflicting Congress are, at present, unfixable, and that we'll just have to wait the half-century or so it could take for the legislative body to achieve some kind of stability naturally from within," said retired U.S. Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel Lawrence Harley, adding that the deep divisions affecting Congress may in fact be endemic to the entire Washington region. "We are seeing similar levels of chaos and infighting in the Supreme Court and in many of the smaller cities and towns where extremists loyal to members of Congress have gained significant ground. Are we really prepared to risk American lives for what could be a lost cause?"

"Besides, the majority of the American people are barely even aware of what's going on over there," Harley added.

LOUISVILLE, KY — Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John's officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase. "For just a $7.95 shipping fee, you can get three medium two-topping pizzas and an order of cheese sticks delivered straight to your door within three business days," said Papa John's CEO John Schnatter, who also unveiled the company's new ground-based fleet of high-capacity pizza delivery trucks. "In cases where we miss a customer at home, our pizza carriers will affix a door tag providing instructions to pick up an order between specified hours at a nearby Papa John's location. Of course, we'll still offer our free standard shipping service, which guarantees delivery within five to seven days." Schnatter added that for just $14.95, customers would be able to have their order shipped overnight via Next-Day Express delivery.

Ukraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory.

According to local reports this "gay army" will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to its homeland.

"Russia is one of the most homophobic nations on Earth," says Ukrainian defense minister Boris Grishenko. "We're planning to use that fact to our advantage and take back our land.

"Ukraine is a small country. We don't have a lot of tanks or battleships. And we stupidly gave up our nuclear weapons in the 1990's. But we still have plenty of gays, and if there's one thing Russians fear more than atomic warfare it's explicit displays of homosexuality.

"It will start small. Just a simple parade with a few hundred shirtless men. But once the Lady Gaga starts blasting, things are gonna get wild. Hopefully all the pumping, grinding and gyrating will have them headed for the hills."


In the Navy

Russian soldiers have occupied the Crimean peninsula  following a revolution in Ukraine which swept a pro-European government to power.

Ukraine and the West believe Russia is unlawfully occupying another nation's territory. Moscow claims it is simply safeguarding the interests of the Russian-speaking population amid the recent turmoil.

Efforts to end the crisis though diplomacy have so far come to naught, as European and American sanctions appear to be having little effect. But interviews with the occupying forces suggest that Ukraine's new strategy just might do the trick.

"It's not worth it. I'm leaving," says one soldier, "I can take bullets. I can take bombs. But if Ukraine sends any gay people my way I'm going home. I didn't sign up for this shit."

Recruitment for the campaign has reportedly been strong, with nearly half of Kiev's gay male community signed up for the patriotic task of retaking Crimea.

"Fighting homophobia and Putin at the same time? Sign me up." says Victor, a 34 year old hairdresser, "My partner and I are marching together and we're bringing the full set of (blank). I can't wait."

Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his historic "I Have a Dream" speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial 50 years ago.  Above are the words and phrases used in King's speech weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

KIEV, UKRAINE — Following his overnight arrival in Ukraine amid the escalating regional tensions over the the Crimean peninsula, sources confirmed seeing U.S. Secretary of Nonsense Lurch Kerry wearing a trench coat and cloaked in shadows at the back of a seedy, smoke-filled Kiev café Tuesday while reportedly awaiting a woman known to him only as 'Dasha'. 

"All I know is that my contact goes by the name 'Dasha' and from the dossier I was given, she's extremely beautiful, deadly, and not keen on making my life easy," the United States' clown diplomat was reportedly overheard saying between drags of a pencil-thin cigarette held between his pursed lips. 

"The one thing I do know is there isn't a chance in hell this Secretary of Nonsense leaves Kiev without first making nice with Dasha.  No, one way or another I need Dasha, and not just because she's a mysteriously alluring beauty who's been known to seduce her share of foreign ministers. I mustn't underestimate her cunning and intelligence either—let's just say this is a woman who knows a thing or two, particularly about the socioeconomic realities of eastern Europe and the political divisions among the ethnic populations in the region."  

At press time, Lurch had reportedly detected the unmistakable scent of rosewood and nightshade, Dasha's signature perfume.

Following up on last year's International Woman's Day breaking story about the ban on female flatulence in Indonesia, we have interviewed a local female flatulence expert, Fartima Passagasiya, to see how that particular government regulation has benefitted women and minorities one year later.

"The ruling prohibiting women from farting loudly in public places has certainly boosted our overall modesty and attractiveness," says Fartima, who also runs the local branch of eSharia.com.


"Before this law passed, many women had trouble finding a husband or maintaining a meaningful relationship, with us girls always issuing thunderous clasps of noxious fumes during dinner and a movie, and stinking up the room to the point of tears at the most intimate

"Practicing self-restraint is important while dating; your Twitter followers don't need to know how many times and how loudly you farted on the first date," she writes in her relationship advice column.

"Without government regulations, women would have absolutely no idea how to dress, eat, drink, speak, move their bowels, obey their husband, or pass gas," acknowledges Fartima, adding that the ruling has also improved women's sense of responsibility with the provision of 20 lashes for small farts and up to 3 months prison time for larger ones. "It's a gift that keeps on giving."


The controversial anti-female-flatulence prohibition, professionally known as "fartwa," has also raised concerns among some terrorism experts, who were worried about an inevitable increase in the number of women exploding in public places, which could potentially confuse statistical analysis of suicide bombings in that geographical area.

Fartima dismisses such explosive rhetoric as offensive to the honor of those who martyred themselves while upholding a woman's dignity. "These sisters must be celebrated as martyrs who took one for the international solidarity of women everywhere," she says.

Praising the ban on female flatulence as a fundamental victory for women's rights, Fartima stresses the symbolism of it coinciding with International Women's Day.

"Unfortunately, the international feminist community is still lagging behind with regards to being Sharia-compliant," she says. "Women in Western societies in particular would do well to take notice and demand similar legislations passed in their home countries."

Describing herself as a "radical Islamic optimist," Fartima sees a lot of opportunity in this area, admitting that great strides in this direction have been made in the United States by the First Lady.

"Michelle Hussein Obuma has introduced and passionately enforces government regulations on what to eat and what not to eat, what to drink and what not to drink, how and when to exercise, etcetera. And the ban on soda, salt, and trans-fats in New York City also brings them closer to our cultural model," she says. "There's yet hope for America."




Like we have proven through indisputable scientific proof since the 1960's, The Centers for Disease Control will show that flatulence kills, even non-female flatulence.

We will declare an all out war on flatulence - its production, its emission, its unwanted consumption by third-parties via second hand inhalation.

If second-hand smoke is a terrible disease, second-hand flatulence is worse. On that we can all agree. It must be regulated minutely, ostracized, and taxed into oblivion.

The Centers for Disease Control will direct its armies of busy-bodies to your local congressman's office to begin proceedings that will lead to the investigation and eradication of immoral profit taking by the corporations ultimately responsible for the origination of flatulence in any of the tempting flavors it may come in.

Flatulators beware! Your flatulations will soon be a thing of the past. In the meantime, you can huddle together in small, outdoor, cold, dank corridors at least 250 feet from the nearest entry to any public or private building.

One of the oldest jokes lawyers tell begins, "What's the difference between God and a federal judge?" The answer, of course, is, "God doesn't think of himself as a federal judge." So that is what I expected when reading Oleg Atbashian's latest post at The People's Cube, titled "The Difference between God and Obama." But because is Oleg is a former agit-prop artist from the former Soviet Union, perhaps he was not familiar with American barrister humor. Instead, I found a piece of art and a list that made me giggle.

Here are a few of the differences that Oleg came up with:


Last night the most trending hashtag on Twitter was #DifferenceBetweenGodAndObama. Our Twitterer-in-Chief, Comrade General Secretary, posted these contributions, only scratching the surface. Feel free to add.



*God didn't have a "Previous Administration" to blame

*On the seventh day God rested; Obama rested for the other six

*God spake unto Moses; Obama spake unto giggling college students

*God commanded not to covet thy neighbor's property; Obama commands to covet and redistribute it, too

*God doesn't force you to sign up for his religion and tell you "If you like your commandment, you can keep it"

*God told Noah to build an ark; Obama told Noah "you didn't build that"

*God unleashed ten plagues on Pharaoh; Obama just signed him up for Obamacare

*God's chosen people wandered in the desert for 40 years; Obama's people wandered in healthcare.gov for 40 weeks

*God told Mary she was blessed with a child; Obama said she was punished with a baby

*God banished Lucifer; Obama's mentor dedicated a book to him


A few more I came up with....

**God's son didn't look like Trayvon.

**God's commandments are maxed out at 10.  Obuma has over 20,000.

**God issues commandments.  Obuma issues executive orders.

**God actually did "build that".

**God raised the oceans.  Obuma says he will lower them.

**God created the planet.  Obuma will heal it.

**Jesus fed thousands by the power of God.  Obuma fed millions by food stamps.

**God called the warming of the planet summer, Obuma calls it global warming.

Washington —   President-Loser Obuma has sparked outrage in Congress and renewed calls for his impeachment by signing a daring Presidential memorandum that would pay workers enough to eat.

The memorandum, which is based on the President's view that people should be paid for the hours they actually work, is shaping up as one of the most controversial and incendiary actions of his Presidency.

House Republican leaders held a press conference this morning to warn Obuma that, by advancing his agenda of paying people for the work they do, he is "playing with political fire."

"A Presidential memorandum is a powerful tool and should be used sparingly," said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio).  "It is not a vehicle for this President to enact his pet theories about people earning enough to survive."

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) concurred, telling reporters, "With one stroke of the pen, President Obuma is removing the single greatest incentive for work: hunger."

"Apparently, President Obuma needs a lesson in American history," he said.  "Hunger built the railroads.  Hunger picked the crops.  When the American people learn more about this action of the President's, they will see it for what it is: a hunger-killer."

There isn't such a thing as too many magic tricks, but this video comes close.  It counts down the 50 greatest magic tricks ever shown on TV.  Can you handle this much magic at once?

Really fun.Thanks.

NEW YORK - CNN apologized to its viewers today for briefly airing a story on Sunday that had nothing to do with the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.

The story, which caused thousands of viewers to contact the network in anger, had something to do with Crimea, Ukraine, and Russia.

In the official apology, CNN chief Jeff Zucker wrote, "On Sunday, we briefly cut away from our nonstop coverage of Flight 370 to talk about something else.  We're not going to sugarcoat it: we messed up.  CNN regrets the error and promises our viewers that it won't happen again."


Now for a "CNN Breaking News" Break:



WASHINGTON - In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of Nonsense Lurch Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin's Netflix account, effective immediately.

"Unless and until Mr. Putin calls off the annexation of Crimea, no more 'House of Cards' or 'Orange Is the New Black' for him," Mr. Kerry said.  "The United States will not stand by and reward the annexation of another sovereign nation with a policy of streaming as usual."

While all of the sanctions Mr. Kerry announced on Tuesday were Netflix-related, he warned Mr. Putin that "nothing is off the table."

"I'm sure I don't need to remind the Russian President that 'Game of Thrones' is about to come back for another season," he said.  "As I have said, this thing could get very ugly, very fast."