I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian............................
DOUBLE GROANER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::)
Larryj
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still...........................
Great ones! I love puns! To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ;D ;D ;D
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart......................
Ha! Ha! Ha! Loved that one Karen. Bring it on ya'll, I'm luvin' it! :D :D
Bill Furry, my electrician friend, told me he gets his supplies at the outlet store.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie......................
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.... my third graders loved that one.
A backward poet writes inverse......
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.............
When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.....................
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."............
I don't like Teresa....she just rubs me the wrong way. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me................................
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large............................
I had a very shocking experience. I was struck by lightning.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.........................
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.....................
When the king lost his horse the ruler was afoot.
Don't trust what that harp says, it's always been a lyre.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too...............................
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate..............................
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.....................
The big conch shell got sick of rolling in and out in the surf, so he went to the bar and tide one on.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A....................................
The robin tried as hard as he could to pull the little green worm off the twig, but it wouldn't give an inch.
Ya know that paradigm conference I was going to? They had to shift to another site.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground................
The grumpy pony had no idea how to pull the cart so they gave him the shaft.
The batteries were given out free of charge.................
A will is a dead giveaway...................
The book about antigravity is so good I just can't put it down.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
I named my son Matt Damon. He's my first Bourne.
A photofinisher says, "Someday my prints will come."
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.....................
Two wrongs do not make a right. ... but three lefts do.
Have you heard about the new Political Trivial Pursuit game?... All questions; no answers.
My family were all farmers, outstanding in their field.
Larryj
Speaking of farmers,he was shocked when he saw his poultry dancing chick to chick.
...but, two wrongs might make a riot.
Do restaurant patrons in Prague always get separate Czechs?
Long a** pun:
A large corporation occupied the 26th floor of a high rise office building. Three of the workers shared a corner office with a large plate glass window. Their names were Dee, Mel and an older, more formal Chinese gentlemen who went by the name D. Song. One day a large hawk crashed into the plate glass window leaving a large crack. The office manager explained to the three workers that glazers would becoming the next day to remove the cracked window. He warned them to be cautious because the glazers would have to leave the window space open for most of the day. This was because the replacement window would have to be cut to size and lifted into place. There would only be a low sill near the floor separating the office from the outside world. The next day the glazers removed the window. A bee flew into the office and Mr. D. Song chased the bee with a rolled up newspaper. Unfortunately he tripped over a wastebasket and over the window sill to his death. The office manager rushed in after hearing the horrified screams and immediately sized up the situation and said:
D. Song is over but Mel-n-Dee lingers on.
He had an affair with the milkmaid, you know, the udder woman.
Larryj
Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest
David and Goliath: Prophet and loss.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.......................
Or if you take it jogging in Scotland you can go heather and yon.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.......................
Very punny!! lol ;D
Rome went bankrupt with their arena games: The lions ate up all the Prophets.
;D ;D ;D
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.....................
The fellow who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered..........................
Stop, stop, I may hurt myself laughing! ;D ;D ;D
A bicycle can't stand alone - it's two tired..............................................
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall............................
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it..................................
Karen you are too funny!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now...........................
The shareholders of the compass manufacturing company were concerned that the company wasn't headed in the right direction.
Larryj
I just got back from my vacation along the northern Oregon coast, and have I got Astoria or two to tell you!
Larryj
Another groaner...BOOOO ;D
Coins are mint to be.
Larryj
Mint coins are tasty too. ;)
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye..................
Kind of says it all.
(Not sure where to put this, so chose this topic)
A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on)
::)
Wooo! A really good one.Thanks for sharing that.
I enjoyed my job at the spice factory. Unfortunately it was just seasonal.
A will is a dead giveaway.................
My husband sleeps longer in bed than I do. But then again, he is much taller.
A plethora of puns from Warph.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
I love these! My favorite form of word humor. ;D ;D ;D