Elk County Forum

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Ha  ha ha.  A great middle of the night laugh.

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew......
and soon people from all  over the country were coming to Minnesota to have
portraits done.One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor,
you betcha. I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I'll haff at leave my socks on.......
so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

Yah, I love that sense of humor. thanks Jo that got a giggle. LOL

Here's the  way it should be:

Let's put  the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing  homes.

This would  correct two things in one motion:

Seniors  would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would  receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,  wheel chairs, etc. They would  receive money instead of having to pay it  out. They would have  constant video mongering, so they would be helped instantly if they  fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be  washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to  them. A guard would  check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and  snacks would be brought to them They would have  family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have  access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool  and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally  recognized entertainment artists. Simple clothing  - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon  request. There would be  private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise  yard complete with gardens. Each  senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at  no cost. They would  receive daily phone calls. There would be a  board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight  for their rights and protection. The guards would  have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys  available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from  abuse or neglect.


As  for the criminals:


They would receive  cold food. They would be left  alone and unsupervised. They would receive  showers once a week. They would live in  tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month. They would have no  hope of ever getting out. "Sounds like justice to  me!"

Tongue Roll Eyes Grin

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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians  try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-- -----------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'




Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene  commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

-------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
--------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

   :'( :-\ :P ::) :D

Judy, you are on a roll tonight.

Everyone  seems to be in such  a
   hurry to scream 'racism'  these  days.


So, the customer asked, "In what
   aisle  could I find the  Polish sausage?"   
The clerk looks  at him and  says,
   "Are you  Polish?"   
The guy  (clearly offended)  says,
   "Well, yes I am. But let me  ask  you   something.  If I
   had asked for Italian  sausage, would you ask  me if I was Italian?
   Or  if I had asked for  German Bratwurst, would you ask me if  I was
   German?
Or  if I asked for a kosher  hot dog
   would you ask me if I   was Jewish? Or if I had asked  for a Taco,
   would you ask if I was  Mexican?' If I asked  for some Irish 
   whiskey, would you ask if I  was  Irish?"   
The clerk says, "Well, no, I
   probably   wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous
   indignation,  the guy  says, "Well then, why did you ask me if  I'm  Polish because I asked for  Polish  sausage?"   

The clerk replied, "Because you're in  Home Depot."

::) ;)

POLICE COMMENTS RECORDED
     
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments
were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.. Sign here."

:angel:

 
                                                 BAPTIST  DINNER  FOR  EIGHT ! ! !

        A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

        The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.  When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. 

Janet  decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.  But, mushrooms are  expensive.   
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.  They are too  high."

        He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?  There are plenty in the creek bed."

        She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." 
        He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. 

        So  Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

        Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful.  Ol' Spot ate every bite.

        All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

  After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.

        About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.  She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."  Janet went into hysterics.  After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

        The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
  I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.  We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine.  Just keep them calm."

        Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.  The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

        One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.  After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

        They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!

  :P ::)

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 
'Let me see if I've got this right.
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 


'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.


'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 


'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?
:laugh:

Two old Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here"
and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says
one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers
cautiously,

"What part did you get?"

::)

 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
2.  The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
4.  The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
5.  The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
    fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him doing a a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery. 

Mick says "What the heck are ya doing, Paddy?"

Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor".

GROAN------------ ::)

So the two beautiful blonds walk into the bar and order a couple of big drinks. The bar tender says "so what's the big occasion?" The one says, "we just finished putting together a jig saw puzzle in two hours and the box said from 8 -10 months."

God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'


God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?' 

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

'What's a
headache?

See! We started out knowing what and when we want to do something. Must be the female psche (or something!)
::) :-* :D

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Larryj

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games

and started laying around. He started cutting the grass around the church, even

painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!  Father Thibodeaux

asked him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. 

Boudreaux explained, "I heard "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He's dat close,  I wanna to be good to go!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several

circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUV BIRTHDAY PRESENT



Two old boys having a great laugh...

Two old guys talking.
 
One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". 
   
  Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" 
 
First guy: "Yup.    Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
;D

               3 BLONDES APPLY FOR A JOB AT TEXAS HIGHWAY PATROL



Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
::)

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
 
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
 
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
AND MY FAVORITE....

"Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
"I look just fine."

:angel:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem..


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'
;)

UNDERWEAR DUST

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded. 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out
of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a
little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?' 

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

 

Be Careful Following the Crowd

Another true life story for the Funnies...

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

::) :o ;)

Monday~~ It's fun to cook for Kjell. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

Tuesday~~   He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday~~A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday~~ Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Steve asked me why I was rolling around  in the garden...I showed him the recipe instructions.

Friday~~I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it... There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday~~~He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.

Sunday~~ I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
                             

sounds like a blonde cook to me  ;D ;D ;D :angel:

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20.  As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp. :(

 ;D ;D ;D

Four Married Guys Go Fishing

Four married guys go fishing and after about an hour they start talking about what it took to get out of the house.

The first guy says: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy says: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy says: "Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

As they continue to fish, they realize the fourth guy has not said a word about it.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" said one of the fishermen.

The fourth guy says: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, fishing or sex? She said, don't forget to wear sun-block!"

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.  The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".  The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, "My wife."

If My
Body Were a Car

           
If my body
were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about

trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and

scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull
......



But that's not the worst of it.



My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to

see things up close.



My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and

slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.



My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.



It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate

burns inefficiently.



But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my

radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
:P

Elder Care
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the nursing home.

"How are you grandpa?" He asks.

"Feeling fine" says the old man.

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better.

These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of warm milk and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of warm milk and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The warm milk makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

:o ::) ;D

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has had the balls to pull the cord!


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/muslimdoll.jpg)

Here's a little poem for you.

Another year has passed

and we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago

when life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

about 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to weddings,

football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes,

and after-funeral brunches.


We used to have hangovers,

from parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches

and while the night away.

We used to go out dining,

and couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel

to places near and far.

Now we get sore asses

from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs

and drink a little booze.

Now we stay home at night

and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,

and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up, before you're too darn old!


::) ::) :-\ :-\ :)

The Very First "Senior Moment"


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/1stseniormoment.jpg)

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!


But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked,  "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4  'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan.   When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
;D

How funny! ;D ;D ;D

Forgot my glasses!

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age. I did this, and when I got home last night I
told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier :-[

A son asked his mother  the following question:

   
     ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? '  The mother looks at her
    son and replies: 
   
     ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. ' 
   
    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 
   
     ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' 

   
    The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

   
    'Son, all household appliances come in white. '
::)

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for
the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties."

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."
:angel:

A woman and her ten-year-old son were  riding in a taxi in Montreal .
  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The  taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-S," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God, he responded, I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot........

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
Interesting, the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and patiently explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just be quiet and send this one on).
:)

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

 

John's Chicken Story !

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day .

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens ."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign :
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
                     

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain .
 
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign? "

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
Killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."




So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood...


NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks !




  Keep Smiling  ! ! !
;D ;D :o :o 8) 8) ;) ;)

 

Playing House

A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day.

They played that they were man & wife and they were going away.

As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know."

"Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat . I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat."

She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade.

"Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand,

"We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants"
:angel:

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".

Higher Gasoline prices will change our National MPG average quicker than anything.

THE OSTRICH



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.


The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to


the ostrich, "What's yours?"


"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will


be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and


pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man


says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."


The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"


asks the waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and


a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and


places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,


sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change


in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and


found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered


me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,


I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money


would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a


million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want


for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact


money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick


with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Sigh!

;D

Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


ababab

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


ababab

Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'


ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York   and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


ababab

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! 
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone in your head is happy - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

;D :D ;) :) ::) :angel:

Good ones Judy, thanks for starting my day off with some good humor, you are appreciated. HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY AND EVERY DAY.
Frank

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

********

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work. 

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'.  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

And about those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto for $ 35 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.
I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
:angel:

> 1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

>14.. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

>19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.


With that , she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged e ach of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men

:angel:

The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Comference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

 ::)

Larryj

It was my first time ever

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast.

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...

 :o ::) :P

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

     While shopping in a food store, two nuns  happened  to pass by the beer cooler. One nun , Tracy ,said to the other,  "Wouldn't a  nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer  evening?"

     The second nun answered  "Indeed it would   Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer  as I am certain that  it would cause a scene at the check-out  counter."

  "I can handle that  without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed  for the check-out.

The cashier had a  surprised look on his  face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack  of beer.  "We use beer for washing  our hair" the  nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you  will."
Without blinking an eye,  the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the  nun straight in the eye,  smiled and said, "The curlers are on the  house."

;D

A bit of history...

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. 



In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. 



This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. 



But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. 



The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.



The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.



Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.



The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -


Sinko De Mayo.

Saw it coming a mile away and yet I am still setting here shaking my head.  :P

BOOOOOOOOO! ;D

Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit .

A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications,
they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. 

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview,
but we've decided to give the white guy the job."

Tyrone, "What 'cho mean, why you be doing that, you be racist?  We both got 19 questions right?
This is Detroit and I be black, I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Tyrone said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple, on question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don't know.' 
You put down, 'Neither do I'."
  ;)

I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!

I finally figured out why I am fat!

I should have figured it out sooner.

It's the shampoo I use in the shower.

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

::)

I use Dawn...now I know why my hands are a nice shape but the rest of me is not! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Try using it in the shower.

Two Norwegians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a couple of cold beer.


After a while the first Norwegian says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Norwegian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'


 

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through   blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening!  (This is too funny not to share)

:o 8) ;D ;)

                               Husband Down

Rick and Julie are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
Rick picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Julie
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands Julie, and so they carry on shopping. 
A few aisles further on along Julie picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks Rick.
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Julie.
Rick retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

                 Then down he went.

Sell my stuff if I die 

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....


One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful,
sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."



"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.



"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a**hole using my stuff."



She looked at me intently and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol
a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!

And for those of us who hike regularly and add maybe another 500 miles to the 900 of the average Joe, we really get good mileage !!!!!

;)

 THE DOG

Dear God:  Is it on purpose that our names

are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers,

but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to Heaven, can we sit

on your couch?  Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after

the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,

the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE

named for a Dog? How often do you

see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car

ride! Would it be so hard to rename

the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?


Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off

in the forest and no human hears him, is he

still a bad Dog?


Dear God: We Dogs can understand human

verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,

clickers, beepers, scent IDs,

electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight

paths. What do humans understand?


Dear God:  More meatballs,

less spaghetti, please.


Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven?

If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Here is a list of

just some of the things I must remember

to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats

it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,

crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's

underwear when he's on the toilet.

7.  Sticking my nose into someone's

crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand

straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before

entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,

and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living

room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',

so when I play with him and he makes that noise,

it's usually not a good thing.


P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven,

may I have my testicles back

:P  ::) :-\ ;)


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 The Green Thing

In  the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she   should
bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for  the
environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We  didn't have the green thing
back in my day."

The clerk responded,  "That's our problem today. The former generation did
not care enough to  save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the  green thing in its day.  Back
then, they returned their milk bottles,  soda bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the  plant to be washed and sterilized and
refilled, so it could use the same  bottles over and over. So they really
were recycled.

But they didn't  have the green thing back in that customer's day.  In her
day, they  walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every
store and  office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb
into a  300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she  was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they  washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind.  They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up  220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes.

Kids  got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not  always
brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; they didn't  have the green thing back in her
day.

Back then, they had one TV or  radio, in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen  the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the
size of the state of Montana .  In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by
hand because they didn't have  electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile  item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up
old newspaper to cushion  it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire  up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower  that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to  go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on  electricity.

But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back  then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of  using a cup or
a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of  water.

They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a  new pen, and
they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing  away the whole
razor just because the blade got dull.

But they  didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the  streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school  bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

They  had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to
power  a dozen appliances.

And they didn't need a computerized gadget to  receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order  to find the nearest pizza
joint.

But isn't it sad the current  generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were, just because they  didn't have the green thing back  then.

:-[ :-\ :'( :( ;)

My kind of lady
     
> Gail went to the Brush Country Republican Women's meeting Tuesday.  The
> topic was Texas conceal carry law.  One of the speakers related the
> following story:
>
> 
>
> On the way to the previous monthly meeting an elderly lady was stopped by a
> highway patrolman.  He ask for her drivers license and insurance.  The lady
> took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman.  In with
> the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit.  He looked
> at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.  She
> responded that she indeed had .45 automatic in her glove box.  Something,
> body language or the way she said it made him want to ask if she had any
> other firearms.  She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center
> console.  Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded
> once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.  The
> officer then ask her what was she so afraid of? 
>
> 
>
> She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

HA------good one.

Larryj

Aging  Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly

despondent over the recent death of  her husband. She decided that

she would just  kill herself and join him in  death.

Thinking that it would be  best to get it over with quickly, she took

out  his old Army pistol and made the decision to  shoot herself in

the heart, since it was badly  broken in the first place.

Not  wanting to miss the vital organ and become a  vegetable and a

burden to someone, she called  her doctor's office to inquire as to

just  exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The  doctor said,

'Your heart would be just below  your left breast'.


Later  that night........ Mildred was admitted to the  hospital with a gunshot

wound to her knee.

Traffic Control in Rural Kansas: ;D ;D



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/misc/slowdown.gif)

Jessica, a gorgeous blonde, who was waiting for the bus at a crowded bus stop, wore some figure enhancing clothes like a bright red, tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and a high fashion leather jacket.

The bus arrived and it was Jessica's turn to step aboard; however, she soon learned that her skirt was a little too tight. It did not allow her to lift her leg as high as the height of the bus' first step.

Jessica grew a little embarrassed with her situation, but she flashed a short smile to the bus driver as she reached behind herself, unzipping her skirt a little. She thought that would release her skirt just enough to allow her to lift her leg up to the step.

But as Jessica once again tried to step onto the bus she soon learned that she still could not make that first step. By now everyone behind her in line to get onto the bus realized her situation, and there were a few muffled laughs, which only embarrassed Jessica even more.

Once again Jessica reached her arm behind her, unzipping her skirt just a little more. Once again she tried to raise her leg up to the step, and once again she was unable lift her leg high enough because of her tight skirt.

At this point most of the passengers on the bus realized what was delaying their trip, and they were actively talking about it. Some were shouting encouragement to Jessica. Naturally, she was getting very embarrassed with her situation.

She decided to give her skirt another go, so she again gave a little smile to the driver while she again reached her hand behind herself unzipping the tight red skirt just a little more. But three times were not the charm because she again could not reach that step.

At this point a large lumberjack type who was standing right behind her in line swiftly picked her up by the waist and gently placed her on the step she had tried so hard to reach.

By now Jessica was so embarrassed that she went ballistic, spun around to her would be Sir Lancelot and screamed at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

To which the lumberjack replied, "Well ma'am, I ordinarily would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

Riddle of the Day
 

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Obama is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women..
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?





***********************************************************




***********************************************************



The answer is:      'A Last Name.' 
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?
:-*

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had.  That's a real talent you are wasting.  You could be famous.  Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" 
:'( :-X :-* :-* :-*

 

Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You got me on that one!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Larryj

I went and told Al that one and he just about fell out of his chair!

Quote from: Jo McDonald on August 24, 2010, 08:31:58 AM
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew......
and soon people from all  over the country were coming to Minnesota to have
portraits done.One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful
woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.
The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.
In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor,
you betcha. I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I'll haff at leave my socks on.......
so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

An Ole and Lena joke! Oh ya! Hubby is originally from Wisconsin, and every now and again he catches me sayin', "Ya shurrr..." I guess he's rubbed off on me!
Lisa

70th birthday
To: Linda








Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.  She  thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the  phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a  very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs,  dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she  could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, Hi, I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys,  rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up,  cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!  Now how does that sound?"

He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
  :o 8) 8) ::) ::)

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.  I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!  P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too... Lord knows they couldn't pass an IQ test!

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google



Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985



Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin



Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans



Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

The Green Thing  :-)

:D

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.


Remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

             



                                   LOL LOL LOL


           THAT PRETTY MUCH COVERS IT ALL. --- AND I CAN RELATE.

It Was a Dark - and - Stormy Night
             
     
Bob Hill and his new wife  Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it  happens, near Transylvania . They were driving  in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could  barely see the road in front of the car.  Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob  attempts to control the car, but to no avail!  The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes  his head to clear the  fog.  Dazed,  he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his  wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob  knows he has to get her medical  assistance.
Bob carefully picks his  wife up and begins trudging down the road. After  a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards  the light, which is coming from a large, old  house.  He  approaches the door and  knocks.
A minute passes. A small,  hunched man opens the  door.  Bob  immediately blurts,  "Hello,  my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife  has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your  phone?"
"I'm  sorry," replied  the hunchback,  "but we  don't have a phone. My master is  a  doctor;  come in, and I will get  him!"
Bob brings his wife  in.
An older man comes down  the stairs.  "I'm  afraid my assistant may have misled you.  I  am not a  medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it  is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have  had a basic medical training. I will see what I  can do. Igor, bring them down to the  laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up  Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob  following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table  in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and  his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an  adjoining  table.


After a brief  examination, Igor's master looks  worried.  "Things  are serious,  Igor.  Prepare a  transfusion." Igor and  his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob  and Betty Hill are no  more.


The Hills' deaths upset  Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the  steps to his conservatory, which houses his  grand piano. For it is here that he has always  found  solace.  He begins  to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody  fills the  house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still  in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement,                and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand  twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano  music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!  He is  further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:






"Master,  Master!.....The  Hills are alive with the sound  of  music!"




(I am soooooo  sorry.....but you really should've seen that  one  coming!!)
   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Why did  Gene Wilder come to mind?

 :laugh: :laugh:

No I did not see that coming.  Great one!

Larryj

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
 
'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
 
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
 
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
 
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'
 
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
 
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to Unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
The shit out of them and eat 'em! '
 
'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem.. You're Not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish Shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.

;D

JUST WHEN you lost faith in human kindness. . .

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks:

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "%@#& you."

Life is good.

Sincerely, Edna

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'




Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'




Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?




Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'




Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'




Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'




Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'

;)

How to tell someone that their FLY is open

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Are you afraid of heights? Your fly is! (thanks to A M)

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

Put the pickle back in the jar.

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

Darth Vader is out looking for his light saber.

You've got Windows in your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Lil' Lebron is at the free throw line.

Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

Zippity Doo Dah!

I see the priest is hearing confessions.

Paging Mr. Johnson. Paging Mr. Johnson.

I see an old mini van with two flat tires!

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

I'm not liking the view from up here.

Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Do you have a license to sell hot dogs?

The genie is getting out of the bottle.

Are you doing an impression of an elephant?

The mouse is out of the house.

The bird has left the nest.

The barn door is open.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Abraham Lincoln is leaving the theatre.

XYZ (examine your zipper)

Attention K-Mart Shoppers

I see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!

It's 6:00 in St. Petersburg.  

Time to close the Lemonade Stand.

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

I see you have an opening in senior management.

Your junk drawer is open.

This student may have failed, but there is no denying that he is logical.


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

A man and his wife are playing golf at a very exclusive country club.  They are surrounded by beautiful mansions.  The wife tells her husband, "Be really careful.  If you slice it and break one of those  windows, it could cost us a lot of money."

Sure enough, on the eighth tee, the husband slices one and it sails through a window of the biggest and most elegant mansion.

The wife says, "Well, we might as well face the music and go over there and find out how much it is going to cost us to replace that window."

They knock on the door and are greeted by a man.  Behind him is shattered glass and a broken bottle.  The wife says, "We are so sorry about your damage and we are willing to pay whatever it costs to fix it."

The man says, "Oh, no need to apologize.  I am a genie and was in that bottle for a thousand years.  I can grant three wishes, one for you and one for your husband and I will keep one for myself."

The husband says, "I want a million dollars every year for the rest of my life."  "Done!" says the genie and turns to the wife.  "What is your wish?" he asks.

The wife says, "I want a house in every country in the world."  "Done!" says the genie.

The husband asks the genie, "What is your wish?"

The genie says, "I have not had sex for a thousand years and I wish I could make love to your wife."

The husband looks at his wife and says, "Well, we are going to have all that money and all those houses.  I guess I wouldn't mind."

So the genie and the wife go upstairs to a bedroom and make mad passionate love.  Afterwards, they lie there and the genie says, "Just how old is your husband?"

"35," she says. 

"Wow!  And he still believes in genies?"

Larryj

A very prestigious cardiologist
>   died, and was given a very
> elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for
>   most of his life...
>
> A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the
>   casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
>   Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
>   heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
>   forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
>   When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of
>   my own funeral...I'm a
>   gynecologist!'
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   The priest
>   fainted!......................                         

;D

From this month's American Legion Magazine...........

A traveler entering a small country store noticed a sign on the door warning, "DANGER!  Beware of dog!"  Inside, he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor next to the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" the traveler asked the store owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The traveler couldn't help but be amused.  "He doesn't look dangerous.  Why the sign?"

"Well, before I posted it, people kept tripping over him."

______________________________

A woman catching up with friends described a robbery scare she'd had the night before.  "I heard a noise," she explained, "and when I got up, I saw a man's legs sticking out from under the bed."

"Goodness!" one of her friends exclaimed.  "The robber?"

"No.  My husband.  He heard the noise, too."

______________________________

Three Boy Scouts told their Scoutmaster that they had done their good deed for the day.

"What did you do, boys?" asked the Scoutmaster.

"We helped a little old lady across the street," they all cried in unison.

The Scoutmaster was mystified.  "It took all three of you to do that?"

"Yeh," one of the Scouts piped up.  "She didn't want to go."

______________________________

A man told his friend, "Hey, that's a nice trumpet you've got there."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor," the friend replied.

"I didn't know you could play the trumpet," the man added thoughtfully.

"I can't," his friend said, smiling, "and now he can't either."

______________________________

A football coach was trying to help some of his less talented players develop their skills.  "Now listen," he said to them.  "What would you do if it was a fourth down, with three seconds to play?"

After thinking for a minute, one of the players replied, "Slide over to the end of the bench so I could see better?"

______________________________

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria.  Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" ------  Jimmy Fallon.

______________________________

And a quip------------A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer..............

______________________________

Larryj

SHORT LOVE STORY
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before,
> but who were both married to other people,
> found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
>
>
> 
>
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
> they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........  'Ma'am,
>
> I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
> I'm awfully cold.'
> 'I have a better idea,' she replied: 'Just for tonight ... let's pretend that we're married.'
>
> 'Wow! ... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
> 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damned blanket.'
>
>
> After a moment of silence ... he farted.
>
> The End
>
:angel:

Blond jokes from my cuz.............no offense, Teresa.....

A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says,
"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The Cop says "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
"Here boy!" she replies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the heck you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(now this one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
**********************
 
Larryj

From this month's American Legion Magazine........

A sportsman just off the lake went into a fishmonger's shop and told the owner, "I'd like some fish to take home with me.  Can you make them look like they were caught today?"

"How many?" the shopkeeper asked.

"Three or four -- perch, let's say. You know, a decent amount, without seeming to exaggerate."

"You should really take the trout instead."

"Why is that?"

"No reason, really, except that your wife was here this morning and said that if you came by, I should recommend trout.  It's her favorite."

__________________________________________

A little boy and a girl were talking on the playground.  "My dad's an accountant," the boy bragged.  "What does your dad do?"

"Actually, he's a really important politician," the girl replied. 

"Honest?"  the impressed said.

"I didn't say that."

__________________________________________

A literature professor dreaded his Tuesday class, which was filled with some of the densest students he'd ever encountered.  One morning, he spent a painful hour explaining figures of speech.  When he asked if anyone had questions, there was a long silence before a young man in the back raised his hand.

"Could you put that in a nutshell for me?" he asked.

Feeling frustration rising in him, the professor retorted, "Just get it into your brain.  Then it'll be in a nutshell."

__________________________________________

A young couple had been dating off and on for years, and the man finally proposed.  "I knew this would happen," the woman said to herself.  "What do I do now?"

"Well, will you marry me?" the man repeated.

"I'm sorry," she answered, "but I just can't."

"Why?  Is there someone else?"

"Oh, there's just got to be!"

_______________________________________________

A private stood before his commanding officer for a recent offense. "It's your choice, private," the officer said.  "One month's restriction or 20 days pay."

"I'll take the money, sir."

_______________________________________________

(And this from Jay Leno...........)

"New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030.  They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in.  Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?"

_______________________________________________

Larryj

Rare Shots:


(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-1.jpg)

(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-2.jpg)

(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-3.jpg)

(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-5.jpg)

(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-6.jpg)

(http://www.thewowimages.com/wowimages/rare-shots-7.jpg)

Tale of Two doctors...
>
> Two patients limp into
> two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
> Both have trouble
> walking and appear to require hip surgery.
>
> The FIRST patient is
> examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
> has a time booked for
> surgery the following week.
>
> The SECOND sees his
> family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
> then waits 8 weeks to
> see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed
> for another week, and
> finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then,
> pending the review
> boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.
> Why the different
> treatment for the two patients?
>
> The FIRST is a Golden
> Retriever taken to a vet.
> The SECOND is a Senior
> Citizen on Obama care.
>
> This November, if Obama
> and his Czars get another term, we'll all have to find a good vet.
;D :-\ :'( >:(

Interesting.   I can see my personal doc in his office the same day. He would schedule my x-ray, which is down stairs in the same building, in about 20 min. It would be read while I was still there. If a surgeon is necessary, my doc would call my surgeon who would schedule the surgery in about a week, after I got the presurgical  P/B, EKG, etc from my doc ,who did all that while I was there, and then the blood work from  Quest Diagnostics, which makes on time appointments, often the next day and the results would be available the day after that. I wouldn't want to lose that.

Neither would I.  Where can I find it?

I am able to get into my primary almost any day, they don't take as many walk-ins and they used to but if I call in the morning I can usually get in the same day.  Some tests done there with a call to let me know the results or an appointment within the next couple of days.   When I needed a stress test the Cardio wanted to see me first, then I had the stress test two days later and the results the following Monday.

I have two very good hospitals within 20 miles at Conroe or Kingwood and it is only an hour drive to downtown Houston.  There is a Diagnostic hospital within a block of my house, they also do outpatient surgery.  Would go there if in a hurry but prefer the Dr. I have been seeing.

Another hospital in town, about 12 blocks from home but have not been happy with the emergency care there.  Had some issues with the care given my mother and not sure I would go willingly.

From this month's American Legion Magazine...........

A boxer marched into his manager's office, closed the door and put on his most determined look.  "Now listen here," he told the manager.  "I've been training for six months, and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in.  I've stayed away from desserts and gone to bed at 10 every night.  I've never been better.  I want Killer McPug!  Get me a fight with Killer McPug!"

The manager walked around his desk and put his arm around the boxer's shoulders.  "I keep telling you, champ, you ARE Killer McPug."

___________________________________________

A woman placed an ad offering a new Porche for $10.  A man answered the ad but was skeptical.  "What's the gimmick?" he said.

"There's no gimmick," the woman replied.  "My husband just died, and his will stated that he wanted his car sold and the money given to his secretary."

___________________________________________

Quip........Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

___________________________________________

(old)....A Priest officiating at a funeral started his remarks by saying, "We are gathered here today to pay homage to a good man.  He was a kind man, a man loved by everyone, a man who treasured his family as they did him."

The widow of the deceased leaned over to her grandson and whispered, "Sweetheart, go up and make sure it's your grandpa in that coffin."

___________________________________________

A little boy was so bad at sports that after half a season in Little League, his father traded him to another team for $10 and a child to be born later.

___________________________________________

The president of a financial firm stopped in the broker's office to eavesdrop on a new employee.  He listened as the young man talked eight consecutive contacts into moving their stock portfolios to him.

The boss approached the young man and said, "I've been listening in, and I must say I'm impressed with your ability.  Where did you learn so much about talking to investors?"

"Yale, sir," the young man answered.

"What's your name?"

"Yackson."

_____________________________________________

And a Dave Letterman joke........Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda.  When you outlaw stuff, it creates crime.  I saw a guy today walking down the street, and a cop arresting him because he's got a huge can of soda, and he said, 'No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew."

_____________________________________________

Larryj

I might have missed posting these.  If I already did, have a laugh anyway.

I know a guy who's so greedy he has eight deadly sins.  He had one custom made.

During basic training, the recruits were required to complete a demanding 12-mile march.  They started at 6 AM to embark on the trek.  An hour later, feeling the heavy weight loads of their packs, they wondered if the end would ever come.  "Men," the sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job.  We've already covered four miles!"  Revialized, they picked up the pace.  "And," continued the sergeant, "We should reach the starting point any minute now."

A woman drove through a parking garage searching for an open space, but she found none.  Then she noticed a couple walking just ahead.  She slowly pulled alongside them and rolled down her window.  She called out hopefully, "Going out?"  "No," the man said, "We're just friends."

A woman heard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."  The vows went like this:  "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present.  You may kiss the bride."

A substitute teacher asked her students, "If you had one dollar, and you asked your parents for another, how many dollars would you have?"  A boy raised his hand and said, "One dollar."  The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic."  The boy replied, "You don't know my parents."

On a brutally hot day, a man saw a father and his three children playing minature golf.  "Who's winning?" the man asked cheerfully.  "I am," one said.  "No, I am," another said.  "No," the father muttered, "Their mother is."

A world traveler was trying to impress a woman at a cocktail party.  "I came face to face with a lion once," he said.  "Even worse, I was alone and unarmed."  "What did you do?" the woman asked.  "I looked straight into his eyes, turned on my heel and walked away."  "Did her follow you?"  "He did, but only until I reached the next cage."

"Here's a little bit of history.  On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul."  Thanks to Jay Leno.

Larryj :laugh:

From this month's Legion magazine.......

A mother looked out the window to watch her two sons playing in the snow.  She called the older boy to come inside.  "I've told you to share the sled with your little brother," she said.  "You can't keep it to youself."  "I am sharing," he protested.  "I use it going down the hill, and he uses it going back up."

Over breakfast, a woman told her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."  "Of course I do,"  he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.  At 10 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house.  At 1 p.m., an enormous box of chocolates was delivered.  A designer dress arrived at 3 p.m.  When her husband got home, the woman threw her arms around his neck, saying, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day!"

Giving a patient his physical, a doctor noticed several dark bruises on the man's shins.  He asked, "Do you play hockey, rugby or any physical sport?"  "No," the man replied.  "I just play bridge with my wife."

The local Department of Motor Vehicles branch was packed.  After waiting in line nearly an hour, one man finally got his license.  He inspected his photo and said to the clerk, "I stood in line so long that I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  "It's okay," the clerk said.  "That's how you'll look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A wife suggested her husband try his hand at changing diapers.  "I'll do it next time," he said.  Later, when their baby needed another change, she asked for his help.  "I didn't mean the next diaper," he replied.  "I meant the next baby."

And this from Jay Leno...........

"I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia.  They're all burning Amerian flags.  Where are they getting all those flags?  If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?"

Larryj :laugh:

From this months American Legion magazine....

A building contractor agreed to let his nephew work for him over the summer.  One day, they drove to a lumber yard.  The contractor sent his nephew in to make the purchase while he waited in the truck.  Reading from his uncle's list, the young man said, I need 200 2-by-4s, 120 1-by-8s and 240 2-by-6s."  The clerk waited a few seconds ro him to continue, then asked, "How long?  How long do you want them?"  The nephew thought for a few seconds before replying, confidently, "Forever.  We're building a house."

After a first date, with both parties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date.  "Since we've gone Dutch on everything else," she said, "you can kiss yourself goodnight."

A sportsman who lived in the city went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman.  The next year, he returned and asked for Salesman.  "That hound ain't no good now," the handler said with disgust.  "What happened?" the sportsman asked.  "Was he injured?"  "No," the handler replied, "Some idiot who had him for a week was so happy with him that he started calling him Sales Manager.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."

The local TV station's weather desk received a postcard:  "I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps."

Kill two birds with one stone this year............Give up your New Year's resolutions for Lent.

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force.  A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.  "The pay is good and the hours are OK,"  he replied, "but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong."

And from Jay Leno.......

"There's been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote.  I think people are so sick of this election.  How about making the day after Election Day the holiday?"

___________________________________________

Larryj

From my youngest sister:

I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.



His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could  say "Truck."

Good one. ;D

From this month's American Legion magazine.....

At a campaign rally, an embattled politician running for re-election declared, "Despite what the ethics committee concluded, my conscience is clean."
"I bet," came a voice from the audience, "That's because you never used it."

One old man said to another, "I just had another birthday.  It's awful to grow old alone."
"But you have your wife," the second man pointed out.
"Yes, but she hasn't had a birthday in 15 years."

A city girl was vacationing with her family in the country, and she became friendly with a local boy.  One evening, as they strolled across a pasture, they saw a cow and a calf affectionately rubbing noses.
"Gee," the boy said, "seeing that kind of makes me want to do the same."
"Go ahead," the girl replied.  "It's your cow."

Two entrepreneurs at a networking event tried to make small talk.
"Hey, do you believe in survival of the fittest?" one asked.
"I don't believe in the survival of anybody," the other replied.  "I'm an undertaker."

Did you hear about the comedian who told the same jokes three nights running?  He didn't dare tell them standing still.

A motorist received a receipt from the police clerk for his traffic fine.
"Oh, come on," he complained.  "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk replied.  "When you collect four, you get a bicycle."

A man and his wife were driving home from a friend's party.  "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are to women?" she asked.
Flattered, he replied, "No, I don't recall anyone ever telling me that."
"Then whatever gave you that idea at the party tonight?"

And this from Jimmy Fallon........NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery.  Scientists hope it found signs of life there.  Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.

________________________________________________

Larryj

From this month's American Legion magazine......

I think my boss is trying to replace me.  He's looking for a computer that grovels.

An old man was holding court, surrounded by his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  "Don't think of me as an old man," he whined.  "I'm healthy.  Everything's fine.  My heart's still pumping away.  My liver's strong.  And my mind, knock on wood...........
Hello?  Who is it?

Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall.  One never showed up, so the other went home.  When they got together that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.  "It was terrible," the first woman said.  "I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running.  I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it."  "You stood on the escalator for an hour while they fixed it?" the second friend asked.  "Of course, what else could I do?"  the first woman said.  The second woman said, "You dummy!  Why didn't you sit down?"

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and began experiencing turbulence.  One nervous passenger happened to be sitting next to a minister and turned to him for comfort.  "Can't you do something?" she asked.  "I'm sorry, ma'am," he replied gently, "but I'm in sales, not management."

A woman asked her husband , "Could you please go out and buy a gallon of milk?  And if they have avocados, get six."  A short time later, the husband returned with six gallons of milk.  "Why did you buy so many?" his wife asked.  "They had avocados."

An irate driver went back to a garage where he had bought an expensive car battery six months ago.  He said to the garage owner, "When you sold me this battery, you told me it would be the last one my car would ever need.  It's dead!"  "Yeah, sorry about that," the owner replied.  "I didn't think your car would make it this long."

And from Jay Leno........."Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones.  Here's a good one.  Don't join al-Qaida!"

Larryj

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.  I signed  up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their  spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as  simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I  am not ready to live like this.  I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I  keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was  standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.  Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer.  It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.  Then if I made a right turn instead...

Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of  the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the  cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I  still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have  to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and  the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.  They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could  settle on something themselves but this sudden, "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of  those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never  remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.  When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?"  I  just say, "Doesn't matter to me.  I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their  turn to stare at me with a blank look.  I was recently asked if I  tweet.  I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70... but we senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The TV remote and the  garage door remote are about all we can handle.

       Bi-sacksual. Tooo funny! :D :laugh:

That is funny and so close to the truth.  My response to the "paper or plastic?" is "Yes."  I get the same confused look.

This is from a friend on FB, just had to share it.......

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.  It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.  He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.  He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.  Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.  He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

Highly aroused by all this attention, the wife said, "Wow, honey, that was wonderful!  Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

___________________________________

Larryj

LOL.... good one, Larry.  I wonder how many remotes get lost in the bedroom like that? ...many I suppose.



After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the
Cathedral of Notre Damesent word through the streets of Paris that a new
bell ringer was needed.  The Bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally andwent up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing  several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.  Just then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!."

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon.

The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.  But suddenly, rushing forward  to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry
window to his death in the street below.

The stunned  Bishop  rushed to his side.  When he reached the street,
a crowd had gathered  around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments  before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked:

"Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
.
.
......"but his face sure rings a bell"

Again from a friend on FB........

TEN FUN FACTS.

1.  You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2.  You can't count your hair.
3.  You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4.  You just tried No. 3.
6.  When you did No. 3 you realized it's possible, only you looked like a dog.
7.  You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8.  You skipped No. 5.
9.  You just checked to see if there is a No. 5
10. You can share this and have some laughs.

Larryj

Quote from: larryJ on August 30, 2013, 09:55:04 AM
Again from a friend on FB........

TEN FUN FACTS.

1.  You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2.  You can't count your hair.
3.  You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4.  You just tried No. 3.
6.  When you did No. 3 you realized it's possible, only you looked like a dog.
7.  You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8.  You skipped No. 5.
9.  You just checked to see if there is a No. 5
10. You can share this and have some laughs.

Larryj

How a man's body works at different ages.....

A single man age 20 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "already pumping!"
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "Get ready!  Surge of blood coming!"  Genitals reply, "Bring it on!"
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her as fast as you can."  Legs reply, "Already headed that way."

A married man age 40 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "Okay, starting to pump."
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "Get ready, more blood coming."  The genitals reply, "Well, okay....but what's the use?"
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her as fast as you can."  The legs reply, "Sorry, married, all we can do is run to the end of the chain and bark."

A married man age 60 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain sends a message to the heart to pump faster to supply more blood.  The heart says, "Okay, but could be too much for me."
The brain sends a message to the genitals, "More blood could be headed your way, get ready."  Genitals reply, "Waiting....still waiting."
The brain sends a message to the legs, "Run over to her and talk to her."  The legs reply, "Running is not an option....for any reason."

An elderly man age 80 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send this image to the brain.
The brain mulls this over and then remembers it is supposed to notify the heart to pump more blood and sends that message to the heart.  The heart responds that it needs an electrical boost for the pacemaker to restart.
The brain then sends a message to the genitals, "There is a slight possibility that you could be receiving more blood."  The genitals...no response.
The brain sends a message to the legs to go over and talk to her.  The legs respond........"LOL!"

A man who has reached the age of 100 sees a gorgeous woman at the beach in a tiny bikini.
The eyes send a foggy image to the sleeping brain.
The brain receives this image and notes that the surf is higher than normal and there are pelicans flying along the coast.  The brain then remembers that it is supposed to send messages to somewhere in the rest of the body, but can't remember where or what for.  The brain then goes back to sleep.

Larryj

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man  who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?' No, I had to stop drinking years ago, 'the homeless man replied.

'Will you use it t o go fishing instead of buying food?' the man asked.' No, I don't waste time fishing, 'the homeless man said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?' the man asked.  'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless man. 'I haven't played golf in 20 years!'

'Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?' the man asked.' What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?' exclaimed the homeless man.

'Well, 'said the man, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.' The homeless man was astounded.' Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

The man replied, 'That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.

Here is the reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!