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Does anyone know the actual measure of rain we got today? My wheelbarrow has several inches of water in it, and I am curious about the official amount.

The State of Connecticut web site states that these guns were found inside Sandy Hook Elementary School:

#1. Bushmaster .223 caliber-- model XM15-E2S rifle with high capacity 30 round magazine

#2. Glock 10 mm handgun

#3. Sig-Sauer P226   9mm handgun

The medical examiner stated all fatalities inside the school (with the exception of Lanza, whose autopsy had not yet been conducted at the time of the press conference I saw) were caused by the Bushmaster ("the long gun").

I've seen numerous references made recently that the shootings were committed with the handguns. Has there been an official update or retraction of some kind that I missed?

Site last modified 1/23/13:
http://www.ct.gov/despp/cwp/view.asp?Q=517284

This fella was found in northeast Elk County earlier this week. He's had five long days and no one has claimed him. Tomorrow is the end of the road for him. If you know where he belongs or you know of a family that could provide a good home for him, please call 374-3080 right away. He's very good-tempered, quiet, walks well on a leash, friendly but a little shy, and hasn't spent a lot of time indoors (wasn't sure how to go down a flight of steps, left his mark on some shelving a couple of times). He's a very nice dog. If we didn't already have four animals, we'd keep him. (And you know he has to be a sweetheart for me to say that!)

I'm just curious how many others in Elk County are feeling under the weather, with sore throats, ear infections, coughing, etc. I started getting sick Wednesday and had to be out of town Thursday and Friday. The last four days have been miserable. I'm really laying low this weekend, and hope to get a prescription for antibiotics tomorrow. I hope others with the same maladies are able to get the necessary bed rest and are on the road to recovery.

This is the third summer we have discovered a tarantula in our basement. I've done a little homework and learned they are relatively harmless and actually provide the benefit of eating other bugs. That said, it doesn't make them any more appealing when you see one on the floor in the middle of the night! Why can't they stay outdoors where they belong? Anyway...

During my online refresher course last night (just making sure one more time this impressive creepy crawler can't hurt anyone!) I came across a little gem from a KAKE blogger and thought you all would find it interesting:

Sep 16, 2010 at 02:52 PM
Supposedly south of Howard in Southeast Ks. at certain times of the year tarantulas cover the highway....i think it is one of those urban myths but I don't know.

So is there any truth to this? Has anyone heard of this before?

I had the pleasure of attending the Community Conversation last evening in Moline. This event, hosted by Elk Konnected, was designed to get the public's ideas on how to best spend the PILOT funds provided by the new Caney River Wind Farm project, scheduled to go online by late 2011 to early 2012. Clearly, this is a momentous opportunity for our county: an estimated $1 million a year for 20 years, to use however the county deems appropriate.

Anyone who attended – and there more than 250 countians who did – can tell you this meeting was positive, productive, and encouraging. By no means were any decisions made, but there were some promising suggestions and a lot of good brainstorming. As one participant pointed out, even if the wind farm money were to never materialize, there many wonderful ideas shared that could be done, and some at very low cost.

As many of you know, my husband and I are "come heres." We moved to Elk County in early 2008 for no other reason than we'd purchased a home here and we liked the people we had met. Having lived in other parts of the country and in various sizes of towns, we believe we each can bring different perspectives to the table. We both have become involved in community organizations, and have every intention of staying here the rest of our lives. That's why I was so excited to have the opportunity last night to help plan our county's future.

For those who don't know, Elk Konnected is part of the Public Square Communities program, which is designed to represent four pillars of any community: business, human services, government, and education. Each small circle of participants last night represented not only these four sectors but also the different towns in Elk County. In my circle, there were two men and four women (one a high school student). There were three people from Grenola, two from Howard, and one from Moline. Every small circle included this kind of diversity so that the ideas being shared were from different perspectives. That's why these types of conversations are so informative and important.

I hope those who had doubts and concerns before the meeting felt differently afterward. Unfortunately, there were a few who brought some anger and fear into the setting initially, and even after they were encouraged to join in the process and share their ideas, they chose to be escorted from the room. Let me make this very clear: every person in that room had numerous opportunities to voice their thoughts throughout the evening. Every one, that is, who understands the concept that a community conversation takes place in a group, and not from the sidelines. It was truly a public forum, with rules of conduct that everyone agreed to follow; in doing so, the discussions were respectful, lively, and enlightening. It was refreshing to see how town rivalries can be set aside to work toward making Elk County an even better place to live.

So, what was discussed? Here are some of the most popular ideas for using the PILOT funds: paying off county debt; improving county and town roads/streets; property tax relief; improved water services for all county residents; transportation services for elderly and children; investing in our youth with a mutual agreement that they bring professions and trades back to our county after attending college; setting aside money for matching-funds grants; youth activity centers in each town; improvements made to the county airport; golf course; tax incentives for new business and light industry (job creation); and building a retirement community with assisted living and condo-style dwellings (addresses job and housing issues). There were many more – at least 250 – ideas expressed and shared with the audience.

At the end of the evening, it was decided that one person from each circle would serve on an action team of approximately 16-20 members. This group will work with the commissioners in prioritizing how the PILOT funds are spent. There also will be more public conversations, and as always, everyone is welcome to attend. In the meantime, residents are encouraged to send questions and comments to the Prairie Star newspaper, where they will be printed along with the answers and updates on an ongoing basis.
If you have ideas and/or concerns and did not attend last night, please consider taking part in this exciting conversation. How often does a county have a literal windfall of $20 million to improve not only current conditions but to create a better future for our children and grandchildren? Please don't sit on the sidelines and be an armchair critic – get involved. This affects everyone, not just those who are charged with making the decisions.

Lynne Thompson
Howard, KS

Would anyone know of a relatively local place that sells plain outdoor concrete statuary? I'm interested in bird baths, animals, geometric shapes -- that sort of thing. I'm not turning up much through Google and thought I'd see if anyone on the forum would know. I'd be willing to drive 1-2 hours, but not much more than that. Thanks in advance for any help!

I just noticed the section for Elk Konnected action teams is missing from the General Category page. Is the section being updated, or is it gone for good? Considering there is a Community Conversation at West Elk this evening, it might be a good time to update contact names, phone numbers, etc.

There is some confusion on which day the crew is supposed to meet at the old bank building in Howard (corner of Washington and Wabash). Is it at 1:30 p.m. tomorrow or Sunday?

I have no idea who deserves the credit for these, but this is much too funny not to pass along:

                I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

                More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

                Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

                Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

                I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

                The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

                Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

                There is a great need for sarcasm font.

                Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

                I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

                How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

                I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

                I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

                The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

                Was learning cursive really necessary?

                LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

                I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

                Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

                My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

                Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

                How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

                I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

                Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)... ummm... Goonies."

                What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

                While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.

                MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

                Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

                I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

                Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

                I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

                Bad decisions make good stories.

                Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

                If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

                Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.

                You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

                Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

                There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

                 I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

                "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

                I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

                While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

                I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

                I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

                When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

                I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

                Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

                As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

                Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

                It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

                I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

                Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

                Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet you  everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.

                My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

                It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

                I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

                I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

                I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

                The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat slob before dinner.

Hi everyone! Yes, the subject line says "Christmas"....as we all know, it will be here before we know it. The Howard Chamber of Commerce is planning something new for this year's open house. We plan to have all holiday-related events on one Saturday instead of two. This year, Santa's visit, store open houses and the tree lighting will be on Saturday, Dec. 5. The Chamber committee will be meeting this coming Wednesday to discuss ideas for this event, and we'd like the community's input on things we can do to make it more enjoyable for everyone. The Elk Konnected Youth Development team would like to sponsor a children's movie and perhaps we can offer some arts/crafts for kids. If you have any suggestions, please email me at elkfb@kfb.org or call 374-2321 weekdays. Other committee members are Benji Crupper, Joanna Hunter, Shirley Black, Julie Perkins, Kaye Howell,  and Anna Beth Fish. If you have an idea or two and see one of these fine folks, stop and share your thoughts. We want to make this something special for the whole community.

Yes, it sure is! Elk County Farm Bureau Association now has its own Facebook page. Anyone with a Facebook account can become a friend and learn more about what the county Farm Bureau is doing in the community. And while you do have to be a Facebook member to view the page, you don't have to be a Farm Bureau member to be a fan! How cool is that? Of course, there are benefits to membership! So......if you'd like to be a fan (and you know you do!) do a Facebook search for Elk County Farm Bureau Association. Also, those already invited to be a fan can spread the word to their Facebook friends. Thanks for checking it out, and please, give us feedback on things you'd like to see on the page.

While Pam is on "vacation" from the forum, I thought this thread could continue to share some spiritual wisdom proffered through the ages. Many of the quotes will be from a web site called Interspirit: Many Voices/One Truth. Others will be from those I've collected over the years or come across recently. And by all means, add your own!

"Follow the universal principles that are stressed in the scriptures of both East and West. Let your mind dwell on: 'What can I do for others? How can I be honest, truthful, straightforward? How can I be kind? How can I be generous and unselfish?' These are principles that lead us Godward."

-- Sri Daya Mata, disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, 'The Soul's Need for God' Experiencing the Soul (Eliot Jay Rosen, editor)

I'm surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet (or if it has, I missed it), but doesn't the water tower look great now that it's been repainted? That is some attention-getting red paint, for sure! I had the privilege of watching the painting crew on numerous occasions and was amazed at how nimble and fearless they are. They did a fine job -- at least it looks that way from street-level, and I'm not about to climb up for a more thorough inspection!

Some of you already know, but many don't. Terrell had a mini-stroke this weekend. He's experiencing some coordination problems on the left side, but we're both relieved the after-effects are much less severe than they could have been. He can walk, talk, see and crack jokes, all for which we are so grateful. He is having a little difficulty with typing, so I"m posting this for him. If you would, please remember him in your prayers. We're praying for a full recovery.

Betty L. Rizzuto, 75, died at 12:45 a.m. January 26, 2009, at her home. Lakeview Funeral Home, Wichita, is in charge of arrangements. Cremation and services will be private. Cards and condolences may be sent to Charles Rizzuto at PO Box 866, Howard, KS 67349 and Cherry Illg at PO Box 1017, Howard, KS 67349.

Good morning Elk County! It might be a good idea to lay in some supplies this morning as a nasty winter storm is headed our way. According to the KSN web site, " At this point, it looks as though the most significant areas of icing will be across SE Kansas, toward Elk, Chautauqua and Greenwood counties, where as much as 1-2" of icing could cause considerable travel problems."

Lucky us, eh?

Any word yet on early school dismissals or closings? Will the EK-FAC team meeting tonight at Severy Elementary be rescheduled?

This also could have been posted in Religion, but I believe it's more pertinent in Politics. It's rather lengthy, but worth reading. Who knows? One person might discover peace who might not have otherwise.

This message was revealed to Neale Donald Walsch on Sept. 12, 2001. More than seven years later, it doesn't appear we're any closer to a peaceful existence, but there's always the opportunity to start today.


Dear and Wonderful Beings:

I come to you in this hour of your deep sadness to bring you deep wisdom, for it is only at such times that you seem willing to hear Me-and hear Me now you must, if you are going to survive as a species.

Dearest Ones, you have not learned yet the basics of living together. You have not reached, through all the years you have been on your planet, the most rudimentary understanding of the most elementary concepts of life, and it is not because you have not been told. It is because you have refused to listen.

So again I say to you, as I have said before, through other voices and at other times, let those who have ears to hear, listen.

All of your human problems-all of them-would be solved in the blink of an eye were you to change a few simple things in the way you are attempting to co-create life together.

The first of these things is that you are not attempting to co-create life together, but, rather, you are attempting to co-create it apart, and it will not work that way.

This is why you have conflict, this is why you have discord, this is why you have war and murder and maiming and hurting. This is why you spite each other and compete with each other and argue with each other and race with each other against time to capture you know not what-to make sure you get it, and get enough of it, before it runs out. And this is why you struggle with each other to protect what you have gotten, although you don't even know what it is that you were after.

Was it success? Was it power? Was it security and safety?

You do not understand that security and safety is only found in not fighting for it. That authentic power is only experienced in not abusing it. That real success is only achieved in not straining and struggling and striving for it.

For if you achieve success by constantly straining, struggling and striving, what kind of success is that? And if you experience power by constantly abusing it, what kind of power is that? And if you find security and safety by constantly fighting, what kind of safety is that?

Yet you keep struggling and abusing and fighting, determined to obtain these things, and increase them, at any expense, even your own lives. And so you die worse in order to live better.

You cannot co-create life apart because you are not apart, you are together, intrinsically, spiritually, and yes, even physically. The great human truth is that you are all One. And the great human tragedy is that you do not know this. You do not know it in your experience, and you will not, until you try-and that is something you have adamantly refused to do.

You are One Being, different but united, as the fingers and the thumb are different, but not separate from the hand. Difference is not division, yet because you see that you are different you imagine that you are divided.

OF the Body of God you are a part, yet FROM it you are never apart. Nor are you ever apart from each other, because you are a part of each other. Yet you are tearing yourself apart through your belief in apartheid-separation and segregation of that which was never separated and cannot be segregated.

This insistent belief has created not only a tearing of each other, but a tearing at the very fabric of Life Itself-for Life is What You Are, made manifest in physical form for the purpose of experiencing Life Itself. You are Life, experiencing Life, yet you cannot experience it abundantly, joyously, fruitfully, or harmoniously if you will not recognize and accept What You Are.

I tell you this: YOU ARE ONE.

With each other and with Me, you are FOREVER UNITED.

Now, for you to survive as a species, you must understand this, you must accept this, and you must examine what this means as a practical matter. You must apply it to your daily life-or your life will be daily threatened, and you will never know the grandest expression of Life for which you were intended.

Your insistence on being separate has caused you to create separate families, separate neighborhoods, separate communities and separate nations, imagining that this is the best and only way for you to co-exist-and yet, it is the only way that you cannot co-exist. For this is not co-existence" at all, but UNco-existence, and it can only lead to the end of your existence.

Your history has shown you this, your own life has demonstrated it, yet you ignore your past in your attempt to improve your future.

The irony is that all that you seek to achieve through your separate efforts you can achieve without effort were you to discontinue your separate efforts.


The solution to your problems is clear. It is simple. It is obvious and it is immediately obtainable.

The solution is to experience Oneness Now Everywhere.


This means co-creating around the world a new society, in which you proceed from Oneness in everything you do.

In your governance,

in your economics,

in your spirituality

in your ecology,

in the education of your offspring,

in everything that you put in place in your society.

This is not a new teaching. I have given it to you before, in many times and many places, through the voices of many messengers.

In what you call The Old Testament it will be found in Malachi:

Have we not all one father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers?

In the New Testament, in Romans, it is written:

So WE, though many, are one body in Christ, and, individually, members one of another.

And in Corinthians...

Because there is one bread, we who are many. . . are one body.

In the books and in the teachings of other cultures and other traditions as well, this truth appears. Through all the ages have I given it to you. In many voices have I caused it to be spoken. Yet this is the truth you are afraid to hear. This is the step you are afraid to take.

The fear you have is of Oneness is loss of individual expression and individual identity. You believe that Oneness is sameness, yet it is not.

Humans will never be satisfied with "sameness," nor should they be. For the desire of the self is to individually express the unified wonder of Life.

Yet self-expression does not have to lead to self-destruction-and that is exactly where it is leading right now.

Oneness does NOT mean "sameness." You can be all parts of One Body and be strikingly and spectacularly different. And you ARE.

Oneness living does not mean disappearing, it means appearing at last as Who You Really Are.

You are so worried about losing your identity, or dissolving into the All. The irony of this worry is that dissolving into the All is the greatest desire of your Soul. And so you are a being at war with yourself. The largest part of you wants nothing more than to experience its Oneness with Everything, yet the part of you which imagines you are small cannot abide it.

You are afraid of the thing you want most. Some of you call this love. Some of you call it God.

Yet now you are being invited to create a new nation, to build a new society, to seek a newer world. And in this world the Call to Oneness will be sounded without fear, for you will have realized that what you feared most-your own individual demise - you have produced not by moving toward unity, but by avoiding it.

Even as you begin to build your new society, however, you will never be able to experience yourselves as One, nor act as One, unless and until you understand another great truth:

There's enough.

There's enough of everything you need to be peaceful and happy upon the Earth. There's enough of everything you need to survive. Right now you believe there is not, and your competitions and your hoarding and your stressing and your straining and your killing and your dying are based on that belief.

It is true that in some areas and in some places you have made it look as if there is "not enough." But that is a fiction, a creation of your own devise, a manufacturing of poverty with the tools of greed.

Greed is what has allowed you to create a society in which less than 5% of the people hold more than 80% of the world's wealth and resources.

There would be enough for everyone, even in areas where you have failed to make wealth and resources and opportunities available, were you to "live simply, so that others may simply live."

Yet even though there is "enough" on your planet, that of which there is enough can be wasted. And you are doing this now. You have used more of your Earth's natural resources in the past 40 years than in the previous 40 thousand.

You call this progress, and it IS progress-toward your own demise.

You have blinded yourself with greed and cannot see your own headlong fall into the abyss of your own creation. You want to continue living as you have been living, and you don't want anyone to tell you that you can't. And, in fact, you can--for a few more years yet. And then it will be over. And like the empire of Rome, like the civilizations of Atlantis and the Land of Mu, you will simply disappear yourselves. You will either do it through your own greed or your own violence-or through a combination of both.

Yes, now you are on the brink of more violence, having experienced unthinkable violence already.

I have sent you messenger after messenger through the years to talk to you of violence. May I remind you of what some of them have said?

Thomas Jefferson:
"War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong;
and multiplies, instead of indemnifying, losses."

Martin Luther King Jr.:
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending
spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of
diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
"Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot
murder the lie, nor establish truth.
"Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not
murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate.
"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
"Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

These are the thoughts, and others like them, upon which you can build your new society if you choose. But you must begin to do so now, during these very days and times. You can put it off no further, wait for someone else to begin no longer.

It is as I have said to you in the Jewish tradition:

"If not now, when? If not you, who?"

I think it's great that two main street buildings are being renovated for new purposes. It's exciting to see the day-to-day progress and to know that two storefronts are getting a new lease on life. Thank you to those working hard and giving the Howard business district something to be proud of.

Forwarded to me via email....had to share!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!