A man walks into a Hallmark store and begins looking at anniversary cards. After about 45 minutes the clerk was concerned and went over and asked the man if there was a problem. The man replied, "I have been through everyone of these anniversary cards and I can't find one that my wife will believe." ;)
Larryj
Imagine that..............................................
Larry, you are indeed in a heap o' trouble, my friend! LOL! ;D
I don't feel threatened. Anyway here is another one.
The man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased; what an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he had been and on and on.
The widow , meanwhile, was ever so slightly shaking her head, as she intently listened to the preacher's words.
Finally, the new widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Erica, honey, go on up there and take a peek in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."
Larryj
I think I will make this a daily thing. Anyway, here is todays.
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women. I'll never find them here, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me."
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? Don't try and stop me!"
"Stop you? Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "I want to go with you."
Larryj
Whenever my students try to con me with the old, "my parents are so boring" routine, I always respond, "Previous to having you, your parents were individuals who led fun lives...They only got boring after having you."
Cat, it might be fun to ask the student why they thought their parents were so boring. Do the parents not spend time with them or are the parents not interested in the students daily lives, etc? Or, is this just something to say maybe to attract attention. Also, maybe ask the student if they are doing anything with their parent to change their boring ways. What a fun project for a philosophy class!
Larryj
Sounds to me like the basis for a Psych doctoral dissertation! lol
That made me flash back to my earlier years. I was about 15 and it was just my mother and I. She was a school teacher and in those days if you had a high school education you could teach. But times were changing so that teachers were required to have a college degree. She went to college in the summer time for years and finally got her degree. The college was colorado state college now known as the University of Northern Colorado. Because many of the summer students were older people working on degrees, bachelors, masters, doctorates there were many teachers. And, the college had state groups that met once a week such as the Kansas club, etc. It was basically a social gathering for those from their home states. This particular summer we became friends with a gentleman working on his Doctorate. He is probably long gone, but I will keep his name out of it and the town where he lived. He was very nice to us and taught me how to drive his car. He was a High School principle and his Doctorate dissertation was on molestation of children and related subjects. He never made any moves on me. We later found out he had been imprisioned for child molestation. Ya jest never know!!
Larryj
:o :o :o
Enough reminiscing! Back to a slice of wry.
The young fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only $30."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good Heavens," the first Doctor said, "look at that poor fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second Doctor, "But doesn't that suit fit him great?"
Larryj
Todays------------------------------appropriate for a beautiful Sunday day.
When a local Doctor began attending church services, the minister was absolutely delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work; the minister referring people to the doctor and vice versa.
One referral from the Doctor stopped by the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that..............................the patients problem was insomnia!
Larryj
todays------
A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready - all dolled up: put the cat out and all the other necessities.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the car scurried back inside the house. A somewhat rowdy cat, they certainly did not want to let her have free run of the house while they were away, so the husband went back upstairs to escort the feline out the back door.
The wife, not wanting it to be known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "stubborn old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom handle to get her to come out." :o
That got a giggle.
Thanks
The patient went to his Doctor because he had the flu. The Doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual Illegible handwriting. The patient stuck in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He showed it to his boss and got a raise.
One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Conservatory of Music.
Larryj
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.
The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked a table of two if everything had been all right.
"It was fine, honey," replied one man, "but my friend and I have to leave now. Could he please have his walker back?"
Larryj
Have you ever wondered why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Anarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring thoughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the icy surface, other members of the family and social circle have been know to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
Larryj
Happy fourth, everybody!!! ;D ;D I hope this makes your day a little better.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a crowded restaurant's window.
For a moment, there was silence,, then the driver said, "Geeze, you scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized profusely and said he didn't realize that a little tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. You see, today is my first day as a cab driver. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. ;D
LOL :D :D :D
Appropriate for a beautiful Sunday morning----------------
Indications that your Pastor really enjoys westerns:
1. His sermon on Revelation is titled, "Showdown at High Noon."
2. At the end of services, he replaces altar call with "roundup"
3. Refers to the Deacon's meetings as "a campfire chat."
4. Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.
5. Walks into the pulpit with a hearty "Hi-Yo Silver."
6. Always refers to his Bible as "My Six-Shooter."
7. Has ushers tie bandanas around their faces and pass around ten-gallon hats instead of offering plates.
8. When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy, Pardners!"
9. Refers to the next fellowship dinner as "gathering around the chuck wagon."
10. Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung during the altar call.
AND, the number one sign that your Pastor is addicted to westerns...................
Kepps mumbling two words: Holy Chaps!
Larryj
A horse showed up at a baseball training camp and asked for a tryout. The manager was shocked! Not only was this a talking horse, but he wanted to play baseball.
He put the horse in the outfield, where the horse caught all the balls hit to him. In the infield, he always made the right play
When it came time to bat in a game, the horse hit a long line drive between the outfielders, but then the horse just stood at the plate.
"Run!" the manager shouted, "Run!"
The horse turned to the manager and said,
"IF I COULD RUN, I'D BE AT THE RACE TRACK! !!!!!"
Larryj
Like Mickey Mantle said "Hitting the ball is easy it's running the bases that is hard."
Betty Sue recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend that the townsfolk had spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past.
"Lots of new greenery," she said, "And, families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," Betty Sue replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they have redone it now so people are with their children and grandchildren instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "Do you mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
Oh, mercy, no," was the reply, " they just shifted the headstones."
Larryj
Got a little distracted and missed a day or two. Good distractions, though.
Wednesdays------------------------
Phyllis and Stan were relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," Stan said, "we changed our plans because, uh, well........"
"Oh, tell the truth, Stan!" Phyllis cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Stan simply will not ask for directions."
Thursdays----------------------------
One weekend my friend, Carol, a nurse, was looking after her 6-year old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Carol went in at 5 a.m., she saw something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she found a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead, "My name is Daniel!"
Larryj
Todays-------------------And it made me think of you, Warph!
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 17 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the difficulties are, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 17 years they've been married.
She goes on and on.
And on and on.
Suddenly, the counselor springs from his chair, goes around the desk, pulls the woman to her feet, wraps his arms around her in an enthusiastic embrace and kisses her quite passionately.
The woman is spellbound. She sinks quietly back down in her chair in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and say, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week.........can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf!!!!"
Larryj
An attorney arrived home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
The attorney felt certain his plea to the governor for clemency would be denied, and he was feeling really tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started in on him: "Do you realize what time it is? Where have you been?" and on and on and on.
Trying to ignore her continuing insults, sarcasm, and nasty remarks, he poured himself a strong drink and headed upstairs for a soak in the tub.
While in his sanctuary, the phone rang and his wife took the call. His client, indeed, had been issued a stay of execution. Feeling somewhat badly about how she treated him, she quietly opened the bathroom door and saw her beloved bent over removing his drawers.
Knowing he would be pleased with the news she announced, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
At that he whirled around and screamed, "For crying' out loud, woman! Don't you ever let up?"
Larryj
HA! Made you laugh!!!
Actually, I am just copying them from my local hometown newspaper. I like them because I like that wry sense of humor.
I am glad you are enjoying them.
Larryj
OMIGAWD...Finally...Material I can use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think yo, think yo, think yo!!!!!! lol
Here is one to share with your pastor this Sunday morning.
Dottie, filling in for a vacationing co-worker at her church, was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but had misplaced the paper on which she jotted it down.
She went to the pastor's study and asked for his help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first twirl he paused and stared blankly.
Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock and quickly turned the correct sequence of numbers and opened the lock.
Dottie was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"Oh, it really has little to do with my faith," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Larryj
Cowboy Joe visited his first big city church yesterday and last night he was telling his pardners all about it. "When I got there they had me park my ol' truck in the big corral."
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a fellow cowhand who'd been to the big city a bunch.
"Yup, I reckon," Joe replied, "and then I walked up the trail to the barn."
"The sidewalk to the front door," interprets Charlie.
"Inside the barn, I was met by this dude in his Sunday best."
"That would be the usher," chirps in Charlie.
"Well," Joe says with an eye on Charlie, "that there 'usher' led me down the chute..."
"The aisle."
"Then he dropped me off at a cushy stall and told me to sit there," Joe says.
"Pew."
"Yup," replies Cowboy Joe. "That's what the purty lady sittin' next to me
in that stall said, too."
Hmmmmm---- :P
A man was washed up on the beach of a deserted island after a horrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog survived with him.
After settling in and being there for a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions down to the beach every evening. One particular evening the sky was a fiery red with beautiful billowing clouds and the breeze was cool, but gentle - a perfect night for cuddling.
As they sat there, he realized how very lonely he was and the sheep was looking better and better. Soon, he inched closer and put his arm around the sheep. But the sheepdog, ever protective, growled fiercely and bared its teeth menacingly until the man removed his arm.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets, but there was no more cuddling. A few years later there was another shipwreck and, believe it or not, the sole survivor this time was the most beautiful young woman one could imagine.
That evening, the man introduced the new arrival to the beach routine. Once again, it was a very romantic and beautiful setting - red sky, clouds, gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Aha, he thought, with her here now, things could be really different! He leaned over to her - cautiously - and whispered in her ear - "Say, would you mind taking the dog for a walk? ::)
Larryj
Ooh...............bad....................
Larry lives in California; couldn't expect much different! ;D ;D (Sorry Larry, couldn't resist) :-X
Ouch!!! Okay, I did some research and if you have some time look at this website. I particularly liked the one about the main street being two blocks long! Sounded like home.
Sorry I have found out this is a bogus link which doesn't work, at least for now. Sorry
Larryj
Sorry Larry, the link didn't work.
Hmmm----I tried three or four times and it worked for me. If you are clicking on it and it doesn't work, then copy and paste into your browser search and it should work.
Larryj
Is anyone else having a problem with that link? I just wanna know.
Okay---------it's early and I am getting older and slower and a little senile----maybe---but it took me a while to get this one.
A doctor from the city opened a practice in a small country town and started making house calls.
One of his patients was an elderly farmer, but after only a few visits, the doctor stopped going to his house.
The puzzled farmer finally called the doctor to ask why. "Do you not like me, or something?" he asked.
"Oh, mercy no," said the doctor, "its your ducks in front of the house------Every time I come to see you, they insult me."
Think about it, think about it, it will come to you!!! ;D
Larryj
Got it--"quack, quack"......................
Now see there you go. You up and ruined it for all the others who haven't gotten it yet! Just kidding!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Larryj
Todays----------
After discovering her young daughter playing Doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing Doctor at their age," the neighbor explained.
"Sexuality my foot!" the mother yelled, "He took out her appendix!"
Larryj
On a previous post I listed a website for all to look at. I have heard the link didn't work and I tried it several times that day and had no probem. However, today, wednesday the 15th, it wasn't working. Sorry about that. Apparently the ownership of the website let it expire and it has not been renewed. How I got on it is now a mystery to me. I will look into it some more.
Again sorry
Larryj
I'm sorry I jumped the gun on the previous joke--it's just that I usually am the LAST to "get the punch line", so I was overexcited that it made sense to me the first time. I'll do better next time.......................sorry.......................
Larry, I am so embarrassed, it took me nearly all day to'get' the doctor joke even with Karens' clue. I get pretty dense sometimes. LOL! :-[ :-[
I thought ducks went Aflac Aflac not quack quack.
Dale, I like that, i told my wife your answer and she said that is something your Dad would have said also, that he had a great sense of humor and was a jokester. That was a compliment.
Dee Gee, if the ducks went "aflac, aflac" then the joke might have been about an insurance salesman instead of a Doctor.
Sixdogsmom, don't feel bad. I usually get jokes pretty fast, but this one took me some time, also.
Larryj
This one is old and probably has been posted somewhere on the forum before, but I will repeat it and add one that this one reminded me of. (I know, don't end sentences in a preposition----------so, tough.)
Two elderly gentlemen at a retirement facility were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Randal, I'm 91 years old now and I seem to be full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age, how do you feel?"
Randal says, "By golly, I feel just like a newborn baby!"
"Really! Just like a newborn baby?"
"Yep------No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"
AND, the one that this one reminded me of-----------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen sitting on the front porch of the nursing home were enjoying the day. One turned to the other and said, "Today is my birthday and I am 100 years old. I have never drank, never smoked, and was faithful to the same woman for 70 years. How about you?"
Th other gentleman said, "Well, I drank a fifth of bourbon every day, smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and made love to a different woman every night."
The first gentleman was aghast and said, "How old are you?"
The other gentleman replied, "27!"
Larryj
;D ;D ;D
HA! HA!
LOL!
TEE HEE!
I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying.
...he said "Canned Goods and Ammunition".
Good one, Jo!!!
Today's--------------------
Anne brought back to the drugstore a tube of topical cream she had purchased earlier. "I need to return this. I bought it for my vacation, but I can't use it," she explained to the clerk at the pharmacy.
"May I ask why?" said the clerk.
"Well," Anne said, pointing to the tube, "It says right here, 'Directions: apply locally, two times a day'."
"Okay, why is that a problem?" asked the clerk.
"For heavens sake, I can't apply it locally, I told you I'm going on vacation!"
"So?" asked the clerk.
Looking at him as though he was brainless, Anne sarcastically replied, "I'm going to Arizona, you know, out of state!"
Larryj
mOANNNNNNN! AND GROANNNNNNNN! ::) ::) ::)
Larry, this sounds like a Blonde joke gone A-WRY! ;D ;D
Larry, this sounds like a Blonde joke gone A-WRY
Pun intended?
Larryj
Very punny! lol ;D ;D
Todays----------------------
A comely redhead was thrilled at the outcome of her divorce and was dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heels in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Reggie," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there someway we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Reginald laid out a scenario: "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, hurried lies on the phone, brief rendezvous in sordid motel rooms - is that what you want for us?"
"No---No....." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," Reggie said, "well, it was just a suggestion."
Larryj
Another gorgeous Sunday in SoCal and apparently the editors like to put jokes about religion, church, etc. in the Slice of Wry on Sundays, so here is today's----------------------
During the minister's and congregation's silent prayer in services Sunday, a very loud whistle from one of the back pews pierced the silence.
Little John's mother was horrified as suddenly, they were the focus of everyone's attention, including the pastor in the pulpit. She squeezed his arm to silence him and, after church, asked, "John, whatever made you do such a thing?"
John answered soberly, "Well, I asked God to teach me to whistle -----and just then He did!"
Larryj
See! He does answer prayer!
Thanks Larry.......oh, God also has a funny bone.
Alllllrighty then---------this one is for all you moaners and groaners out there---------------
My good friend, Jane, wanted to do something a little different for her vacation so she decided to stay at a western dude ranch in Colorado.
On her first day there, she made arrangements to go for a horseback ride. Miandering down to the corral she encountered a young cowboy ready to help her saddle up and hit the trail.
He was a very pleasant chap and quite encouraging in explaining how tos, what fors, dos and don'ts. "Now then," he said "what kind of saddle would you prefer-------a western saddle or an eastern saddle?"
"Well, I dunno." Jane said, "what's the difference?"
The cowboy explained that the western saddle has a horn and the eastern one doesn''t.
Jane thought for a moment and then replied, "Oh, I'll take the eastern saddle-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't intend to ride in traffic!" ::)
Larryj
OMG! Boooooo!
Now, that has to be a blond joke..................that was a good one, Larry......ty
LOL ::) ::) :-\ :o
Today's--------------------------------------------------
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a hot pot of coffee, cappuccino machine and a dazzling array of the finest pastries.
Then the priest steps in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession..................and first I must confess that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get outta here, you're on my side." :angel:
Larryj
todays-----------------------------------------------------------------
A woman had been exposed to strep and made an appointment at the Doctor's office to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a newspaper while other patients came and went.
Eventually her name was called and as she suddenly arose, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.
A few minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you Dr. Eicher was a wonderful Doctor!"
Larryj
Todays---------------------makes sense to me.
Frank returned home to find his wife, Yolanda, preparing to bake a ham. He noticed she had once again cut off both ends. He finally asked her why, since it looked like perfectly good ham, as did all the others she had prepared in the past.
Yolanda told him, "I learned this from my mother." He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was, as always, great.
At the next family gathering, Frank asked his mother-in-law about the ham. She said, "I learned that from my mother."
Well, as the next holiday rolled around, Grandma came home for a visit, and Frank decided the time had come to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned the end-cutting method from her. Grandma said,
"Well............................I only had a short pan."
Larryj
On a sadder note-------Gidget, the chihuahua dog, who was famous for the Taco Bell commercials in which a male voice was dubbed over the look on her face, saying, "yo quiero Taco Bell." That means I want my Taco Bell. The video can be seen on youtube. I tried to embed it, but it didn't work. She was 15 years and had a massive stroke and had to be euthanized. She probably won't get the sendoff that Michael did, but it is still a big loss.
Larryj
Something a little different this morning---------------------------
Rearranging the letters around in words can sometimes lead to surprising results. Take, for example, the following----
ASTRONOMER can become MOON STARER
DESPERATION=A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES=THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE=HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY=DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES=CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY=IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS=LIES--LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS=ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT=I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES=THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO=TWELVE PLUS ONE
And lastly (for some folks perhaps)
MOTHER-IN-LAW=WOMAN HITLER
Larryj
This one is a bad ending to an otherwise good day-------------------------
Jessica had just put the chilldren to bed on the family's camping trip when a baby skunk moseyed into the washroom she was using. Knowing the mama would be close by, Jessica froze. But when the baby skunk tumbled into the trash can and began to cry, Jessica bolted for the door.
Sure enough, mama came running----------tail held high. In an attempt to avoid her, Jessica vaulted over a fence into the bushes, smack onto a raccoon.
The raccoon screeched, scratched and bit, the skunk sprayed, and Jessica was stuck in the middle.
The Doctor couldn't stop laughing as he tended to her wounds---------------------------and told her she had landed in poison oak!
Larryj
P.S As of this writing, I noticed this thread has been viewed exactly 1000 times! I am glad you like it.
They're great--keep them coming!!!!
Another Sunday slice of wry----------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6- year-old students.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked. "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
Larryj
Todays------------------------------
Joshua wanted to see the world, so he signed up with the merchant marine to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
After mastering the classroom instruction, he began his practical training behind the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the executive officer gave him a heading, and the young fellow held to it. Then the exec ordered, "Come starboard."
Pleased with himself at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man walked over to his executive officer. The exec had an incredulous look on his face as the wheel was left to spin freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstances, he asked politely, "Would you bring the ship with you?"
BONUS :o BONUS ;D BONUS :P BONUS :laugh:
And I am probably going hear about this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nine words women use
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying get lost!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
__________________
Larryj
Hey! Larry, when you are RIGHT YOU ARE RIGHT!
Don't mess with a woman..........and I really enjoyed the ship
wry.............bet he was a blond...........or graduated MBA.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
;D ;D ;D ;D
I loved this one, Jo, thanks.
Larryj
I will add a couple from my personal experience.
When a woman says "I guess ..." she is just being polite. In my experience you need to drop those words from her original statement and do what she said.
"It would be nice if..." again she is being polite, what she means is I want you to do this.
If she means I want you do do something do it, it is in your best interest to follow her direction.
(For the men reading this I know you don't understand, just take my advice.)
David ;D
Todays--------------short and sweet, and a slap in the face
The plane was only half-full, so when an atractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my ego soared.
Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. My ego was quickly deflated, however, when she confessed, with a nervous laugh, "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust, and you look just like my Granddad."
OUCH!!!!
Larryj
It takes years to get used to how old you are.
Thanks Larry, what a great way to start the day.
Todays--------
To help at busy times, the auto garage hired two teenagers as mechanic's helpers.
Taking great pains to be specific, the manager explained to the two that he wanted them to clean the cars that were parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, a vacuum cleaner, a bucket, some rags, sponges and the car keys.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in a car, with their feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.
"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.
Exasperated, he said, "That's why I gave you two."
"Well, we tried the other one," one teen said, " and it wouldn't reach either!"
Larryj
Todays-------------------------------------DISCLAIMER!!!! DO NOT ACTUALLY TRY THESE TIPS!!!!!!!!
CAMPING TIPS-------
1) When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will help keep the campsites on either side vacant.
2) Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
3) Old socks can be made into high fiber jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
4) A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
5) Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. WARNING!! Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
6) You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
7) When packing to leave, you can compress the diameter of a rolled sleeping bag by running over it with you car.
Larryj
Another groaner---------------------------------And, Patyrn, let everybody else get it first. ;D
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars -- the father has a police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a driver's license?" asks the father.
"No!" says the boy defensively.
"Hey, are you resisting arrest?" asks the father.
The boy hesitates for a moment, then says, "No, I'm just not sleepy yet."
Larryj
That's cool--and I promise I'll refrain from shouting out the answer.............................
Todays-----------------------------------
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker for money when the police came and raided the game.
Turning to the priest, the sergeant in charge said, "Father, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered to himself, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." Turning to the police officer, he said, "No, officer, I was not gambling."
The officer than asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after a forgiveness appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer, I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied,
"With whom?"
Larryj
Todays-------------------------------------
A feud developed between the pastor and choir director. The first hint of trouble came when the pastor preached on dedicating oneself to service and the choir director selected "I Shall Not Be Moved" as the anthem.
Believing it was a coincidence, the pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday, the sermon focused on giving and the director chose to have the choir sing "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time it became evident the pastor was losing his temper and Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two increased dramatically.
The next week, the pastor preached on gossiping and wouldn't you know it, the choir director selected, "I Love To Tell The Story."
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the preacher announced that unless the director changed his ways, he was considering resigning. The congregation gasped when the choir director led them in "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The choir director simply could not resist the song "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
Larryj
Priceless, Larry, thanks!
It could work that way.
Perfect....................
Todays----------------short and cute and my wife liked this one.
My friend Donna said she felt like her body had gotten out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
She decided to begin with an aerobics class for seniors. She said she bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and sweat like the dickens for an hour....................................but by the time she got her leotards on, the class was over.
Larryj
You're growing old when your knees buckle and your belt won't.
So true.........................
Polish Sausage
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage,
would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'
'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot
`
Todays--------------------------------------courtesy of my 4 year old granddaughter who brings in the paper when she comes over.
Raul was playing soccer with his local team. He got a break-away and headed towards the goal. He missed an easy shot to tie the game, giving the victory to the other team.
"I could just kick myself," he groaned, as the players came off the field.
"Why bother?" said the captain of the team, "you'd miss!"
Larryj
This is for all you guys with nothing much to do. Girls, I suggest we spend the day shopping........seems they won''t pay attention to their pockets and you can really get some "Justice".
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist a ctivity.
God bless America ! It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.
`
Hee Hee!! I had heart bypass surgery scheduled for that time, so I called and canceled it. When I informed the surgeon of my reason for canceling, he was really appreciative that he could also join in the anti-terrorist effort and will be sitting by my side. He also said that an event of this kind is probably better for my heart than any old surgery. In the event that this may prove to be too much for my heart, he is bringing his medical bag and favorite nurse who will also be showing her patriotism, but standing by to be of assistance in case I need it rather than walking. He has also given me a crash course in CPR in case this event proves to be too much for him, but has insisted that the nurse administer CPR before I do. The anesthesiologist will be bringing the beer and whatever else he feels he may need to "get high on America." Thanks for the heads up.
Larryj
IN THE PUB
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
`
Todays-------------------------------------------ooooooooooooooooooooooh!
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "UNIQUE BREAKFAST," so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What is your Unique Breakfast,? he inquired.
"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I'd never, ever even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me a couple of eggs, over easy," the man replied.
Larryj
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.........................
Todays--------------------------------This guy was probably blond, too---------------------
A couple of months ago, a guy entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi. Shortly after that he won a $250,000 log cabin kit, so naturally he had it built on his new land.
Well, folks, he pulled up stakes here and moved down there. And, just last night, as he sat on his new porch, watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink iin. :P :o
(Wait for it, Patyrn)
Larryj
Got it.................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Probably not worth even a groan, but here is todays------------------------------------
As Marjorie left the grocery store, she noticed two little kids, maybe 6 or 7 years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.
"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," she said to the boys-----"you eat it for me."
True to her word, Marjorie bought one and handed the candy back to the boy. He shook his head and said, "I can't."
"Why not?"
Looking at her intently, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."
Larryj
Todays-----------
As a high school football coach, Jack was well aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the jock that Bob wasn't home, the kid became frantic, and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home" the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three." ??? ::)
Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by publik edukashn. (wow! spell check went nuts over this one)
Larryj
Back during my days in Alaska I went hunting for a Dall Ram Sheep outside a little town called Chicken, Alaska. After a very hard day of hunting and climbing allover the mountains I found myself in a bar drinking next to a old Inuit native guy who told me how his grandfather was one of the founders of Chicken, Alaska. After many great stories I eventually had to ask him the burning question in my mind. How did the town get it's name. He said that the founding fathers wanted to call it Ptarmigan but couldn't spell it, so they named it Chicken. I didn't get my sheep but I did get a pretty large bag of Ptarmigan. One of which was so large that I had it stuffed. Unfortunately I can't show you a picture of it since when my Brit Kansas was a puppy he thought it was a big white quail from the great legends of the plains indians. At first I was mad at Kansas for ripping the bird of its base. But as any gun dog owner can tell you that the first time your puppy carries a bird in his mouth without eating it is a proud day. So I will provide you with some ptarmigan pictures I found on the internet.
Alaskan Willow Ptarmigan
(http://www.alaskafocus.net/misc_pics/walk.jpg)
(http://www.photoseek.com/alaska-show/images/06AK_4210-ptarmigan.jpg)
Chicken, Alaska
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken,_Alaska
David ;D
A trip to and from the South Hills and Mt. Rushmore featured a look from the interstate at a place called "Lost, Wyoming."
Population 4---------yep 4. The "town" consisted of a bar with a house built on top of it. So one building with a bar and housing and a group (family?) of 4 living there. Who goes to the bar? I don't know. Local ranchers maybe? I took a picture from the interstate as there was a gate across the access road. Picture is not great. I also took a picture of the sign on the interstate that announces the name of the town and the population. and maybe I will find it somewhere someday.
Larryj
Todays----------------------------
"A stitch in time saves nine" sounds great, but it doesn't mean much any more. Isn't it about time we had some new/revised proverbs for the modern age?
Here are some submissions:
What boots up must come down
Fax is stranger than fiction
Don't byte off more than you can view
The geek shall inherit the earth
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't be a bother for weeks.
BTW, I looked up the proverb, "a stitch in time saves nine" and it means basically that if you repair a problem when it is small, it will keep you from having to use more time and energy to fix when it is bigger. Using the word nine was only to make the proverb rhyme, sorta.
Larryj
Todays-----------------------------------------
A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."
"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving you and Mummy."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the father, advising her, "why don't you take Mummy with you."
Larryj
Todays----------------------------------this kid has his priorities straight!
During the Persian Gulf War, Stan was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As he was saying goodbye to his family, his 3 year old son, Christopher, was holding on to his daddy's leg and pleading with him not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
The family was beginning to make a scene when Stan's wife, desperate to calm the lad down, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice, "OK, bye, Daddy."
Larryj
Todays--------------------------------------------------
When Duncan and his wife Sonya, were having dinner with her parents, her mother complained about the extra weight she had gained.
Duncan's father-in-law gallantly said, "You should put on a little extra weight as you grow older so that, if you get sick, or something, you have it to fall back on."
Sonya eyed her father's paunch, then surmised, "Apparently, you are expecting to fall forward."
Larryj
Quote from: larryJ on August 11, 2009, 10:44:07 AM
Todays----------------------------------this kid has his priorities straight!
During the Persian Gulf War, Stan was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As he was saying goodbye to his family, his 3 year old son, Christopher, was holding on to his daddy's leg and pleading with him not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
The family was beginning to make a scene when Stan's wife, desperate to calm the lad down, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice, "OK, bye, Daddy."
Larryj
The rules of this forum forbid me from openly expressing how this little "slice" made me feel. I mean, why don't you just tell a holocaust joke while you're at it. Truly pathetic.
Quote from: larryJ on August 08, 2009, 06:42:22 PM
A trip to and from the South Hills and Mt. Rushmore featured a look from the interstate at a place called "Lost, Wyoming."
Population 4---------yep 4. The "town" consisted of a bar with a house built on top of it. So one building with a bar and housing and a group (family?) of 4 living there. Who goes to the bar? I don't know. Local ranchers maybe? I took a picture from the interstate as there was a gate across the access road. Picture is not great. I also took a picture of the sign on the interstate that announces the name of the town and the population. and maybe I will find it somewhere someday.
Larryj
Here ya go larry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Springs,_Wyoming
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! Sorry, Billy, these are jokes, only jokes. Perhaps you should revisit Warph's profile and look at the quote.
Srkruzich, thanks for the article. I guess it now has a population of one. Wonder what happen to the others?
Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------------------
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that," Carol said. Then Carol asked for her license number. After a bit, as she was verifying the information, Carol asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"
"Well.........................yes," the woman said, "But could you please tell your underwriters that is also stands for N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in Fault?"
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------not sure if I would still want the ice cream
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked the female clerk, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Van....illa, choc......chocolate, st......strawberry." the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue..
"Do you have bronchitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
TODAY IN HISTORY----President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law. (Thank you very much!)
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------
A dog is ambling down Main Street when he spots a sign in an office window: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type 70 words a minute. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."
The dog walks in and applies for the job.
"I'm sorry," says the office manager, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
Whereupon the dog points to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager says, "OK, take this letter and type it."
The dog heads off for the word processor and returns a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed and formatted.
The manager is impressed but still unmoved. "I can't hire a dog," he says, "because you have to be bilingual."
The dog looks up at the manager and says, "Meow."
___________________________________
TODAY IN HISTORY-----------In 1969, (yep, that is 40 years ago) the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.
Where were you?
Larryj
;D :laugh: :laugh:
Woodstock...hippies... :-X excuse me while I go puke.
Today's-------------------------------------------
A Scotsman who was on a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he found it would cost $50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoot, mon," he said to the local travel agent, "In Scotland, it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which the Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder why he walked."
__________________________________________________
Today in history---------------In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.
___________________________________________________
You are excused, Billy.
Larryj
Men Are Just Happier People:
NICKNAMES
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, go to the gym, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
So true, so true. Thanks, David. :laugh: :laugh:
Today's---------------------------------------------------------------DUH!
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door.
It's opened by Little Benny who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello, son. Is your mom or dad at home?"
Little Benny (exhaling a puff of smoke): "What do you think?"
_____________________________________________________
Today in history---------------------------Pearl Bailey, 72, died of a heart attack 19 years ago (1990).
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
:laugh: :laugh:
This off your topic sort of but the last one reminded me of one of the funnier things that happened to me when I was a young single mother.......My boys were like 6 and 7 and I was babysitting at the time. I had one niece who was also 6 one who was a baby another baby I was taking care of and three others under the age of five...anyway a vacuum cleaner salesman came up to the door one day and I answered it...I had a baby on each hip and the rest of em runnin around playin and he never said a word LOL just turned around and went on down the street! I've been laughin about the look on his face for years !
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'
Quote from: BillyakaVarmit on August 17, 2009, 03:19:00 PM
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'
Billy you ignorant, inbred, imbecile (Just a joke, Billy is not ignorant). That is not a San Francisco couple joke that is the story of an Arkansas couple. ( Sorry Redcliffsw and Flintaqua, I am from Missouri) To make it a San Francisco story you would have to have iincluded, hippiy or gay or liberal or socialist. For those of you that are offended don't get too agitated. Jokes and satire in this vain are meant to illustrate the error of bigoted, racist comments. Except when they involve Arkansas. Sorry if these jokes got too blue or offensive. :police:
David
Last year Arkansas Legislature passed a resolution that exempts Washington and Benton Counties from "Arkie" jokes, being that more than 50% of the two county's residents are from somewhere else. ;) ;);D :P
I live in Benton County. :angel:
Charles
I always wondered what a Billyvarmit was; who knew it is a Red Foxx. Good one Billy. I have a lot of Red Foxx jokes and San Francisco jokes but I am not sure how blue this room is so I will stop at the last one. ;D
David
Yeah, well, I won't so heres another.....
Why do iraqi women wear scarves during sex???
So their beards don't irritate their husbands.
Got this in an email and just had to post it....
Here is something to lighten your heart for a moment.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What happened. What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?'"
"About a gallon."
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I had to go back a couple of pages and reread the posts. Is this the same Billy that was irritated by one of my jokes? Is this you, Billy? Have you got something against gays? Or, gays in San Francisco? Why don't you pick on someone else? :o
Just kidding, Billy! Thanks for the jokes and I am glad you posted them. ;D ;D
Larryj
QuoteI live in Benton County.
Lol, I live just north of you in McDonald Co. Missouri, I always get jokes about how the family trees don't fork very far :P :laugh: they seem to have plenty of branches as far as I can tell though LOL
Quote from: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 10:01:35 PM
QuoteI live in Benton County.
Lol, I live just north of you in McDonald Co. Missouri, I always get jokes about how the family trees don't fork very far :P :laugh: they seem to have plenty of branches as far as I can tell though LOL
Pam, I used to deer hunt in a little town called Cole Camp, Mo. It kind of reminded me a little bit of the movie Deliverance. We used to joke that instead of a family tree they were so inbred they had a family circle. I know, I know I have a sick warped since of humor.
David
It may be Redneck Love if...
You consider dating second cousins to be "playing the field."
LOL ;D
ps Is Cole Camp up around Stockton Lake? The name sounds familiar for some reason.....Joe did some work up there so maybe that's it....IDK ???
Quote from: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 10:28:23 PM
ps Is Cole Camp up around Stockton Lake? The name sounds familiar for some reason.....Joe did some work up there so maybe that's it....IDK ???
Its about 20-30 miles south of Sedalia and 30 miles north of Harry S. Truman lake.
Ah Granma had family in Sedalia maybe that's where I heard of it from....:P can't remember >:(
There is another "Jeff Foxworthy" redneck joke about that. "You're a redneck if the family reunion and class reunion are the same event."
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench. A man approaches and sits down at the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, if you don't mind me asking," she says, "where were you all of those years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Oh my!" she says, adding, "For what reason were you incarcerated?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh..........: says the woman, "so....................you're single.......?"
Charles,
Here is a partial repeat of an item I put on the forum over two years ago about the state of Arkansas. You may be aware of the action.
Prior to 1881, citizens of the state southeast from Kansas commonly used two pronunciations for their area: "RKansas" and "Arkansaw."
Apparently wanting to differentiate their great state from the other great state, the Arkansas legislature passed a resolution in 1881 clarifying the matter.
The legislature recognized the state spelling as "Arkansas" but having the preferred pronunciation of "Arkansaw."
I often wondered and never really found out why, but living in Colorado for a few years, I lived next to the "Arkansaw" River and yet when we would travel to Kansas to visit my grandmother, we would pass through "Arkansas City." I think I asked my mother at the time and I don't remember what she said. I guess I need to look this up.
Larryj
Here is my entire post from a couple years ago that may answer your concern.
Kansans are the only people in the nation who pronounce both Arkansas river names as "RKansas."
Kansans also pronounce the southern border town of Arkansas City as "RKansas City."
Some state residents say their reason for using that pronunciation is that they do not live in "Kansaw."
Prior to 1881, citizens of the state southeast from Kansas commonly used two pronunciations for their area: "RKansas" and "Arkansaw."
Apparently wanting to differentiate their great state from the other great state, the Arkansas legislature passed a resolution in 1881 clarifying the matter.
The legislature recognized the state spelling as "Arkansas" but having the preferred pronunciation of "Arkansaw."
Give credit to Matt Dilllon and Gunsmoke. Even though his Dodge City was in Hollywood, he used the Kansas pronunciation each time.
The word Kansas is a Siouan word meaning "People of the South Wind." The similar Siouan word, Arkansas, has meaning "Downstream People."
I sure hope I do not have anything misspelled.
And what makes it worse here in far NW Arkansaw, is that when I tell someone I'm from Kansas they immediately think I'm from the town of Kansas, Oklahoma. The town, just 12 miles west of the AR/OK border on US412, is also locally referred to as "Little Kansas".
Today's-------------------------------------------------Hmmm
It was testimony night at the church. A lady got up and forcefully announced, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with that old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side, stood up and said, "It's not all my fault by golly, she's tough to get along with!"
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Today in history----------In 1929, the radio comedy program "Amos and Andy" starring Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll made its network debut on NBC-Blue
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------------Thinking of you, Warph!!!!!
"Larry, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked his wife, Sherry.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't looking?" Larry asked.
"Certainly not," Sherry admitted adamantly.
"Well, neither will John," Larry said.
Larryj (no relation to the above)
Today's-------------------------We have all been here
Elmer called a delivery company about an insurance claim he had filed on a package. Elmer, as a former employee, knew the automated voice response (AVR) system wouldn't be able to handle this issue, so he immediately said, "customer service."
The AVR performed a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and them insisted that Elmer first pick from its menu, none of which bore any resemblance to insurance claims.
Elmer tried "track a package." It recited the status, followed by "May I help you with anything else?"
Elmer said, more insistently, "customer service" at which it complained that that was the most recent shipping information.
Exasperated, Elmer exclaimed, "DAMMIT" and after another little beep-boop-bop computing noise, it swiftly transferred him to customer service.
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Today's birthdays (one of them) Jackie DeShannon turns (gulp) 68-----What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
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Larryj
(sigh), I only wish it were that easy! I double hate those automated systems. :P :P
Heres one for ya...
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.....and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
Good one, Billy! I like that one.
Today's-----------------------------------------------We have all (well, some of us) been here, too.
Jason, a ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly realized that he did not have faintest idea on how to change a diaper.
Frantically, he called Vinnie, a friend who was, luckily, a father. Vin calmed down Jason, then gave him the following instructions:
"Place the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at bat. Place baby on 'pitcher's mound,' fold 'second base' over 'home plate' then pin 'first base' and 'third base' at 'home plate'!"
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------------(the editors like putting jokes about religion in the Sunday paper)
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats...................it has worked like a charm, the front of the church always fills up first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock "n" roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed through the balcony."
"Thank you, Father." answered the young priest. "I am most pleased that you're open to the new ideas of youth."
"Indeed, those have been well and good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that."
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I do appreciate that................but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."
Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------Remember----I only repeat them, I don't make them up.
Harriet and Maude were hired as organist and soloist for a wedding. During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They didn't have the wedding music with them, so they began with one of the hymns they had sung at a different church the week before, "He Touched Me................"
Just as they began, the minister walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. It's little wonder her was surprised because the opening line of the hymn is:
"Shackled by a heavy burden.............."
Larryj
The 10 indication you have joined the Obama Health Care Program
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an
apple a day.."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
(4) The line, "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-
network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.
Today's------------------------------------and not using too much space today.
Mr. and Mrs. Thornharper had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week vacation in Majorca.
"Boy, I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thornharper breathlessly.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"Cause I left the tickets on it."
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Today in history------------In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure providing pensions for former U.S. presidents and their widows. (I put this here because I was always under the impression that former presidents has always had a pension of sorts. I didn't realize that was not true.)
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------------I get this from my granddaughter a lot.
A teenage boy seemed placid and content as the Doctor approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation.
His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her reading. The Doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy. The boy looked right through the Doctor and started thrashing about and screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"
The Doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career! He turned to the mother and asked, "How long has this been going on?" Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."
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Interesting note: This has nothing to do with Elk County, but there have been posts about the media in other threads of the forum and I wanted to post this.
It is the beginning of fire season in the mountains around Los Angeles. It gets hot and dry and the fires are very deadly and dangerous when they start. Yesterday coming home from an errand, I noticed a plume of smoke in the mountains to the north of us. The San Gabriel Mountains are to the north of my house with the foothills about ten miles away. At the mouth of the canyon entering the mountains is a dam owned by the Feds. It is called Morris Dam and was used during WWII to test torpedoes. The launch racks are still visible. Anyway, the fire started next to the dam and is still burning this morning out of control. Now, for the media. Normally, a fire like this commands the news coverage all day long. HOWEVER, sadly, Senator Edward Kennedy passed away and the news folks are spending more time with stories about him instead of a fire in our own backyard which is "slightly" more important to us!
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------The operator is always right.
"Information, how may I assist you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please," pause, "I'm sorry, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater - T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
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Birthdays today---------------------Tuesday Weld (gulp) is 66, and Barbara Bach aka Daisy Duke is (gulp) 62
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------
A seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.
"Oh dear," the mother said nervously, "Tell me exactly what happened, honey."
"Nothing much," the little girl replied matter of factly, "He made me wait for 45 minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
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Today, my good friend (oh how I wish) Shania Twain turns 44. (One can only dream)
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Okay, all you groaners---this one is for you.
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am, "said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly on my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with just a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the entire debate by eating them all------
Wait for it-------------------------
HAWK, LION AND STINKER.
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Never let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.
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Larryj
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Good one. You keep us well entertained.
Today's-------------------------------------Hey, it's Sunday, so hence another Sunday joke.
Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt, and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied, "No, nothing's wrong, I was going fishing, but Dad told me that I needed to go to church."
The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
"Yes, he did," Roger replied. "Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
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Today--------------------------------Country singer, KITTY WELLS, is 90 years old!
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------------------
For months Leland had been Katie's devoted admirer.
Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being - a being who will regard me as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in Katie's eyes, then she nodded in agreement, and finally she responded, "I think that is a great idea. May I help you pick out a puppy?"
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Today's birthday-------------Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 70.
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Larryj
Larry, just wanted to say you have made me shoot coffee out my nose more than once :D Thanks!
Ha Ha! In the immortal, I mean, mortal word/s of Catwoman:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Thanks Pam, I am glad I made somebody's day. That's all that counts to me.
Larryj
Larry, how is the smoke out your way? Been seeing that they are doing a lot of evacuating and some homes have been lost. You okay?
Thanks for your concern, SDM. The first fire last Tuesday was the Morris Dam fire about 10 to 12 miles to the north of us. I have spent many a weekend or a day hiking and fishing in the that canyon. There was a fire near there two years ago, but a little farther up the canyon. My son, who used to hike with me, went with me after that fire to see the damage. It was just so dishearteniing. This fire nor any of the others are threatening to us. We live pretty much in the center of the San Gabriel Valley and not near any areas that would burn.
The biggest fire, the one you are probably seeing the most of on the news, is the Station fire, so named, because it started near a forest ranger station. This one is really bad in that as of today it had burned roughly 85,000 acres and is not even 5% contained. Doing the math, 85,000 acres would be the same as about one-fifth or 20% of Elk County. Fortunately most of the smoke and ash are blowing away from us. The temps have been in the triple digit range making it miserable for the firefighters. This is also an area that my son and I have hiked. One other threat is that the fire is near Mt. Wilson, the highest point in the county and houses all the radio and television broadcast antennas and is the home of the Mt. Wilson Observatory which is one of the biggest in the country.
My wife and I decided today to go to the beach some 40 miles to the south, not because of the fires, but because we hadn't been to the beach in a long time and just wanted to go. On the days when the smoke does seem to be close by, we stay indoors. We have central air conditioning which keeps us very comfortable.
The view of the smoke billowing thousands of feet into the sky is awesome and today the fire was putting out so much heat there was a cumulus cloud building over the smoke going maybe 5000 feet up. They are estimating another two weeks before it will be out.
We are safe where we are.
Thanks again for asking.
Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------------this one is old to me, but maybe new to you.
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside his house talking to his neighbor about how much the class had helped him.
"That sounds like something that would be helpful for my wife and I too." the neighbor said. "What was the name of the instructor?"
"Oh, ummmmmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "Uh, you know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice, but has all those prickly thorns..................what's that flower's name?"
"You must mean a rose," said the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his kitchen window and called out, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor who taught the memory class?"
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Update on our fires----------105,296 acres burned, 6300 homes evacuated, 5% contained, 3670 firefighters, 53 homes destroyed, and 2 firefighters killed trying to assess the ground crews work when they became in danger and tried to drive away and missed the road in the smoke and crashed. 105,296 acres translates to 164.5 square miles, roughly 25.3% of the size of Elk County.
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Larryj
Larry, thanks for the Fire report, our Daughter lives in or on Signal Hill and says the smoke is really bothering her there.
Frank
Yeah, it is interesting how the smoke circulates, especially in an urban area of this size. While she is many more miles from the fire than I am, she might get some effects of the smoke which might go through the Los Angeles Basin itself and straight to her area. Today it is somewhat cloudy. I wasn't sure when it started getting light whether it was smoke or inversion layer off the ocean that make it look cloudy. But, I just checked the humidity outside and it is double (40 %) to what it was yesterday. More humidity means more help for the firefighters. Although they might be a little more uncomfortable with the humidity, it tends to keep the fire down. Yesterday, in our trip to the beach, the smoke from the fire was very visible and we were almost 60 miles southeast of it. Being in Signal Hill, she was pretty close to the Palos Verdes fire which is now contained so maybe she was getting the smoke from that. Being on oxygen therapy, I am probably more conscious of any smoke than I would be normally, but I have not had any problems.
Larryj
Larry, I'm appreciating your reports regarding the fires, also. I'm glad you're not in harm's way. Frank & Myrna, I was wondering about your daughter, also. Happy to hear she's also not threatened. Until you're seen the wildfires, and the devastation, it's hard to imagine!
Unfortunately, the two fire fighters that died were trying to find an escape route down the mountain for their team when in heavy smoke conditions they lost sight of the road and slipped off the edge and dropped and rolled some 800 feet. The fire fighters' camp site had been over run and destroyed already. They had all (including convict labor) taken temporary shelter in a cinder block mess hall, but they needed to get out and down for safety. Prayers please for all the fighters and the residents out there. There may yet be more lose of life. So sad.
On a second note, our neighbor has a german shepherd who is a super nice dog and very quiet. So, when she barks during the night, something is going on. Early this morning, around 4 AM, she began barking and I could hear my neighbor trying quietly to shut her up. She usually obeys, but not this morning. Of course, she shut up once I was awake and getting my coffee. The point of all this is that my neighbor's sister and family live in Tijunga right next to the fire and were evacuated at 3:30 this morning. So she came here to my neighbor's house along with her dog, which caused the shepherd to bark. Our neighbor called this morning to apologize, which, it is not a problem for us as we like our neighbors and like the shepherd, too.
So, getting back to the fire and its effects on us. Like I said the inversion layer off the ocean came in upping the humidity and helping to keep the fire down somewhat. However, having an inversion layer also keeps the smoke and ashes lower, not allowing them to escape into the atmosphere. I was just outside retrieving something from the car and noticed small bits of ash on our cars. We had not had that before when the humidity was low.
In getting ready to post this, I saw two more entries. It is sad that two firefighters have lost their lives, but it is amazing that there hasn't been more loss of life, not only to the fire crews, but to the civilians. People are told to evacuate and most do, but there are some die-hards who feel they can protect their own property with a garden hose against 50' high flames.
Larryj
Yeah, or trying to ride it out in a hot tub? Good grief!!!!
a few posts back ya' all was talking about automated call answering and the frustrations they can cause. This is before computerized answering. (hope no one is offended)
There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.
Soon after it was install, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator"
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI ! "
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer that that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash ! " (slammed the phone down)
The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam", he said. The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice, You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring )
"Operator"
"are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash? "
Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY AM ! "
"well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in.""
Good one, Flo!!!!
Actually, when I heard about the hot tub, my initial reaction was ----- okay------ wait!!!!!!!! wouldn't the water in the hot tub start to boil in the midst of a fire? Was there water in the hot tub? Of course, why else would you hide in a hot tub? Are these people big lobster lovers?
Sometimes you wonder where these people came from, meaning what planet. I am oft reminded of Bill Engval and his jokes about people being stupid and having to wear a sign saying, "I'm stupid" so the rest of us will be forewarned. One of my favorites was the one where he said he had a flat tire and pulled into the gas station to get it fixed. The station attendant came out and asked if he had a flat. To which he replied, Nope, I was just driving along and the other three just swelled right up!
Here's your sign.
Larryj
I like Bill Engval. Well, really I like all of those guys. Incidently, Larry the Cable Guy grew up next door to my sister in Pawnee City Nebraska. I guess he was a real clown in high school and Debbie (my niece in the same class) said the teacher asked him "so I suppose you think you can make a living as a comedian?". Bet she's choking on her words now. lol
How cool!! Larry the cable guy is a big favorite of mine, also. Which makes me think, growing up around someone like that, I think maybe we/they don't think that these people might make it as a comedian. Can you imagine going to school with Jim Carrey? :D
Larryj
I just had some of his and Jeff Foxworthy's stuff on. They both just roll me on the floor.
Bill Engvall's wife is from Midland Texas and he comes back to Midland every year and puts on a benefit show for the Midland Association for Retarded Children (MARC). It is a sellout crowd and all of the Money is donated to MARC, it raises a lot of money for a great cause.
He actually did one of those "here's your sign" about his wife. In jest I assure you.
He was returning from a trip and the plane almost hit a deer. Excited, he called his wife and told her. Her response-----
"were you still in the air?"
Here's your sign
Larryj
I'd have responded, "Yes, we were! I'm pretty sure it was either Donner or Blitzen!" ;D
Bill is a great guy. He was a fraternity brother of one of the men I worked for in Midland. They attended Southwestern at Georgetown, TX. He often called the office. They went to Vegas together with their wives and spent time together when they came to visit Gail's family. He really puts on a great show. Larry the Cable Guy fronted Bill one time when Bill was putting on a benefit for the benevolent group they supported and Larry was just getting into the business then.
Myrna
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old geezer wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
Today's--------------------------------------------AND, PLEASE, do not throw any articles of clothing at me!
A man went to the Doctor with a strange complaint. "Well, it's like this, Doc," he said. "When I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' If I see a cat, then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?'"
"It's so embarrassing.................even when I'm asleep, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah' ---- my wife was not amused."
The Doctor leaned forward and said, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of TOM JONES SYNDROME."
(Wait, there's more, that is not the end of the joke)
The man says, "My word, I've never heard of that--------is it common?" he asked.
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual,'" the Doctor started singing.
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Okay you can groan now!!!!!!!!!!
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Where it all started---------------In 1969, the first automated teller machine to use magnetic-striped cards was opened to the public at Chemical Bank i New York City. (called a "Docuteller" it was developed by Donald C. Wetzel.)
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Today's birthday---------------------------Salma Hayek turns 43.
(Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
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Larryj
What articles of clothing did you have in mind, Larry?
Wilma, surely you must remember that when Tom Jones or, I believe, Englebert Humperdink, (there's a name you can't forget), would perform their concerts, many ladies, young and older, would throw things on the stage. This included love letters, motel room keys, underwear, etc.
Larryj
Today's------------------------------------there are good joke days and bad joke days and days like this one---------HO HUM.
Caprice was aware that Marcell, one of her middle-school students, was expected to attend a presentation on adolescence in another class, but she hadn't been informed of the time.
In the middle of his written language lesson, Marcell suddenly looked at the clock, jumped up from his desk and ran from the room without a word of explanation.
"What are you doing? Where are you going?" Caprice shouted after him.
"I gotta go," Marcell yelled from down the hall, "I'm late for puberty!"
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Fire stats----------140,150 acres burned, 28% contained, 101 structures destroyed, 50 homes remain evacuated, 4,700 fire personnel, and still fortunately only the two fatalities mentioned previously. Our local paper says the fire is turning more towards the southeast which would bring it closer to the mountains closest to us. However, the other fire from last week has already burned much of that area, so there won't be anything for this big fire to burn. Hopefully. 140,150 acres translates into almost 219 square miles, roughly about one-third the size of Elk County. I believe that I heard this is now the largest fire in Los Angeles County history. On a side note, our neighbor whose sister was evacuated from her home has returned to her home as it was not damaged and the fire has burned past her area.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------Kids can be fun?
Years ago when Cherise's two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessings before eating their meal.
One night as Cherise was busy scurrying around the kitchen, she told them both to say their blessings without her.
Cherice took a moment to watch them, as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As the 4 year old finished, her 3 year old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"
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Today in history--------------In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers led by Gov. Felipe de Neve. (In the mid 1800's, the wihite people took over and drove many of the Spanish and Mexicans out. In looking at the demograhics from 2000, the Latino population of Los Angeles count was 51% of the population, so they are slowly taking it back.)
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------Big OOPS!
"Next," the conference emcee announced, "it is my pleasure to present the chief of the State Patrol, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief stepped up to the podium and took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
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Today----------------------comedian Bob Newhart turns 80 and actress Raquel Welch turns 69.
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Fire news________________154,655 acres burned, roughly 37% the size of Elk County, 76 homes lost, 86 outbuildings, 42% contained, and firefighters have bulldozed and burned more than 100 miles of firebreaks.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------It is a beautiful Sunday.
The kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing prayer, and the children seemed aware that the way to end a prayer is with "Amen."
"Does anyone know what 'Amen' means?" the teacher asked.
There was a long silence.
Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, 'Send'."
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Today's birthday---------------------------comedienne Joanne Worley (Laugh-in) turns 72
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Station Fire has now burned 154.655 acres and is 49% contained. 154,655 translates to 241.6 square miles, roughly 37% of the size of Elk County. It has burned nearly 25% of Angeles National Forest. It is now being blamed on arson and because two firefighters died, it is now considered a homicide case.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------
My neighbor's niece's 4 year old son was asked if he knew what had happened to the nearly full bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom.
He replied, "Well, Dad tasted it and spit it out; then Marie tasted it and spit it out. So I figured if nobody liked it, I might as well dump the rest out.
________________________________
Today's birthdays------------------Arthur Ferrante (Ferrante and Teicher) is 88, Gloria Gaynor (I will survive) is 60.
________________________________
Larryj
I believe that I had mentioned (or not) about the cumulus cloud that formed above the Station Fire earlier. Today I read about it in the local paper and learned a new word. I don't remember ever seeing this phenomena before. This cloud is called a pyrocumulus cloud. It is formed from the vast heat rising from the fire and mixing with the moisture in the atmosphere forming a cloud. These clouds have been known to act as a storm releasing lightning which can cause new fires. It is also known to cause rain which can help put out the fires. it is like the mushroom cloud that forms when an atomic explosion occurs.
I learn something new every day.
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------old, but still funny and true.
This is about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
______________________________________________________
In 1930, the comic strip "Blondie," created by Chic Young was first published.
_____________________________________________________
Comedian Sid Caesar turns 87 today
______________________________________________________
Larryj
I just wanted to add about the Blondie comic strip that Blondie, herself, started out as a gold digger. She caroused with rich boys hoping to make life easy for herself and reap the rewards. Dagwood happened to be one of those rich boys, held no job, and was a playboy. When he fell for Blondie his family disinherited him.
Like I said--------------------------You learn something new every day.
Larryj
Do you remember where Dagwood's family got their fortune?
Considering the times, it was probably bootleg whiskey. :D
Nope, it was locomotives.
(I'm still catching up on the forum and may take me all day lol) Back on Sept. 5 LarryJ noted that Rachel Welch was 69 on that day. I turned 69 last month and I want to know why I don't look like her at this age??? ;D ;D ;D AND this is probably the funniest joke you'll hear today :angel:
Well, Flo, if you had millions of dollars and lots of plastic surgery, you could look like Raquel. In fact, so could I. ;D
Today's----------------------------------------------Probably not as funny as Flo's remarks, but this is for all the groaners.
Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.
"Great" he says, lumbering over the table. Next night he comes home from work and it's stir-fry again, "just as delicious as last night," he says.."
Next night, stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of stir-fry," he says.
Nest night, stir-fry again. "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it is not stir-fry."
Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.
"Aha!" he says, "You were going to make stir-fry again!"
"Don't be silly," she says, "I was just going to iron your shirts."
___________________________________________________
Today in history------------------------------------in 1956, Elvis Presley made the first of three appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show."
__________________________________________________
(How many people will ask who Quasimodo was, and better yet, how many will wonder who Ed Sullivan was. And how many people will get the joke?) Don"t be shy, step right up and ask!!!!!!!!! ;D
__________________________________________________
Larryj
don't have to ask, know both of them. And I did get the joke and a very good extra use of the wok ;D ;D ;D
California Poll...
The latest telephone poll taken by the Governator's office asked whether
people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
*29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
*71% of respondents answered: "No, no es una problema seriosa."
;D ;D ;D
ROTFLMBO!!!!!!! Es bueno, Senora, es bueno!!
Lorencioj
Today's-------------------------------------------
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, she lives in OHIO."
_____________________________________________________
Today--------------Singer Jose Feliciano turns 64 and the much mentioned Bill O'Reilly is 60
____________________________________________________
Larryj
I wasn't real sure where to put this, so if Teresa wants to move it, that's fine.
In my local paper, there is a spot for "a guest" to submit a story which is placed on the editorial pages. I thought of Tobina when I read this and hopefully she will see it. I liked the way it was written and wanted to repeat it here. It is entitled,
READY FOR THOSE 'MEAT AND POTATO YEARS'.
By Diana Baima
I am a person who loves the end of summer and cannot wait for fall to begin. I eagerly await apple season and the change of weather, even though this "change" requires me to buy fake fall foliage in bulk.
However, this year is different.
As September arrived, I found myself sad and with each day that passed, a little more anxious. If there was a way to stop the days from coming I would do it.
You see, I have a 5-year-old, my first, and this little person who has been my world for five glorious years is going to start kindergarten this week. He will now spend most of his waking hours with 15 to 20 kids and his teacher. For the first time he will have influences outside the ones we have chosen for him.
When you give birth and the nurse hands you the baby, she should grab you by the shoulders, look you in the eye and tell you to cherish every moment even when you are tired and covered in vomit, because it will be gone before you know it. All you new moms or moms-to-be out there, it is longer than your time in high school or a single presidential term and I swear it feels like seconds.
Just to torture myself I got out the videotapes of him as a baby. As I sat there sobbing on the couch, watching him eat green beans for the first time, it dawned on me that he will remember little to nothing of the years and moments I hold so dear.
The years coming are the ones that he will remember. When he looks back, these years and the memories they will hold are the ones that will matter to him and define his view of childhood when he is an adult. This thought, as daunting as it is, has become my silver lining, and the more I considered it the more my attitude about him going to school began to change.
I am now determined to give him as many amazing memories as he has given me. So now, I boldly say, "bring on kindergarten!" I will be there volunteering in the classroom and chaperoning on field trips. I will leave silly notes and fun surprises in his lunchbox. I shall scrimp and save to give him opportunities like music lessons or tumbling classes. I will not just be the mom that cheers the loudest at baseball or soccer games, I will volunteer to be the team mom or host the end of season party.
All of which I will do with enthusiasm. After all, these will be the meat and potato years of his life, the ones that will stick to his ribs, nourish him and hopefully leave him satisfied.
Reprinted by
Larryj
This is so true, and those "little ones" grow up so quickly that you can never get "the moment" back. Cherish each one...........
Oh, but the cherished memories! Thanks, Larry!
Today's-----------------------------------------
SIGNS OF BEING A TYPICAL MOM
1) You've eaten your weight in Girl Scout cookies.
2) You always have at least 12 Legos and a Barbie shoe in your purse.
3) You catch yourself humming theme songs from kiddie shows about three times a day.
4) You can take construction paper, glue, pudding cups, and aluminum foil and make a delightful holiday centerpiece.
5) You know that a suspiciously sweet, "Momma, I love you!" really means-------------"I just decorated the wall with your makeup."
_________________________________________
Today------------------------------------------------9/11
_________________________________________
Larryj
LOL! I still catch myself hummin the Smurf song when I least expect it :P
Today's------------------------------------------------------------
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. His roommate is longtime resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old timer inquiringly.
The old timer says, "Look at me - I'm old and worn out. I suppose you'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley - I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants all over France."
The new man asked, "Geez, what happened?"
"Well, one day, Riley finally reported his credit cards missing."
____________________________________________
BOOM! BOOM! The walls shake, the windows rattle,----------------------------earthquake? No, space shuttle landing.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news,
and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
;D ;D ;D ;D Love it!
Today's------------------------------------A little late, couldn't sign on this morning.
A young woman meets her elderly retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying.
"What's the matter, child?" he asks.
"Oh Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic."
"There, there, my child. Here is what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around."
Wiping her eyes, the young woman says she'll do just that. About a year later, they meet again, and again, she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing.
"Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father."
"Well, did you explain to him about the church like I told you to."
"Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so excited about it that he's studying to become a priest. "
______________________________________________
In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future bride, a 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army. (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973).
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------------------Are you ready, Groaners?
"How's your new pet fish doing?' Hal asked Fred. "You told me he was really something special."
"To tell you the truth, I'm sort of disappointed with him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird...."
"Wait a minute," Hal said, "you bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it."
"Well," Fred said, somewhat defensively, "after all, he IS a parrot fish."
"I hate to tell you this," Hal said, "but while you might be able to teach a parrot BIRD to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot-FISH."
"Aha, that's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he is constantly singing off-key. That's what driving me crazy..............................after all, do you have any idea how hard it is to--------------------------------------------------------------------------
tuna fish?"
___________________________________________________
Larryj
LOL - I was not expecting that ending.
HA HA HA!.........that was good!
That was a big ten on the groan factor list! Ha! ;D
That's a groan and a snicker.
Today's--------------------------------------------------
After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup -- but is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
The doctor said, "Well, that's a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yes, yes I have, and they're in favor of it 15 to 1."
_______________________________________________
Patrick Swayze----------------R.I.P.
_______________________________________________
In 1949, "The Lone Ranger" premiered on ABC television with Clayton Moore as the masked hero and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Here is one from a friend of mine.
Please enjoy and understand the following
>
>
> 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
>
> 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
>
> 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
>
> 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
>
> 5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>
> 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>
> 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
>
> 8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?
>
> 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>
> 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
>
> 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
>
> 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
>
> 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
>
> 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
>
> 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?
>
> 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
>
>
> 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>
> 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
>
> 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>
> 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
>
> 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
>
> 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
>
> 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
>
> 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
>
> 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
>
> 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
>
> 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
>
> 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
>
> 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
>
> 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
>
> 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
>
> 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
> 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
>
> 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
`
This was good, no, great, Judy. Thanks, I have saved it to show my family.
Today's--------And I am probably gonna hear about this one.
A dietitian was addressing the large audience at a senior center. "The material," she began, "we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful, vegetables can be dangerous, and none of us realized the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we, all of us, eat it."
"Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please................."
The man stood and solemnly declared, "Wedding cake."
______________________________________________
Today-------------Actress Lauren Becall is 85, singer/guitarist B.B. King is 84 and actress Anne Francis is 79
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------------a big whoops!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, Officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, but, officer, I just wanted to say..............."
"And I told you to keep quiet..............you are going to jail."
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he returns."
"Don't count on it," said the fellow in the cell, "I'm the groom."
_______________________________________________
Mary Travers, an icon of the 1960's, much beloved crooner of Puff the Magic Dragon, and songs where you could understand all the words. Dies at 72. Leaves this life, to go onto a new one. (This is from another blog I follow, nothing in my paper about it yet.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------------this one is for all you teachers.
College students may not always show it on tests, but just how wise they are comes out in other ways.
Consider what happened one day as a linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though - such as Russian - a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he said emphatically, "there is NO language in which a double positive forms a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
______________________________________________
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
______________________________________________
Today-----------------Frankie Avalon turns 69.
______________________________________________
Larryj
LOL I like this one :D
Today's----------------------Hey! Wait just a doggone minute!
A man really loved a woman, but was just too shy to propose to her.
Now he was up in his years, as was she, and neither of them had ever been married. Although they dated about once a week for the past six years, he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less anything else.
But, one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he called her on the phone.
"June?"
"Yes, this is June."
"June, will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
__________________________________________
Today-------------actor David McCallum (NCIS) turns 76, singer Bill Medley (Rightous Brothers) is 69 and Adam West (Batman) turns 79.
__________________________________________
Larryj
I just had to reprint this one.
There is some good things about a brush fire as well as the bad.
From the Associated Press.
by Thomas Watkins
Los Angeles------The wild fire that ravaged the Angeles National Forest has burned one plant species that authorities were happy to see go: marijuana, lots of it.
The fire destroyed an untold number of marijuana plantations in the forest, a growing hub for pot-growing operations in California.
Three marijuana cultivation areas identified just before the fire are believed to have burned and many more are assumed to have been destroyed.
Sheriff's officials don't know how many plants were in the three burned grow areas. Because marijuana is grown in a hodgepodge style and the plants are concealed by tall brush, it is hard to gauge from helicopters the size of each grove. Groves can host anywhere from several hundred to several thousand plants.
And, the article goes on about finding groves and arresting people, etc.
_________________________________________
This brings several questions to mind-- Does this mean the price is gonna go up? How come when I am hiking in the mountains I never see these things? How will this affect the local economy?
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------------another beautiful Sunday.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi sat discussing the best position for payer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister, "The best results are standing with your hands outstretched to heaven."
"Well, I beg to differ," the rabbi said, "but the best way, and simplest, is with head bowed and eyes closed."
The telephone repairman could not contain himself any longer. "Hey, fellas," he said, "the best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
____________________________________________
Today-------------------------------Singer Gogi Grant is 85, and Actress Anne Meara is 80. and Actress Sophia Loren is 75.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------------Smart, just plain smart.
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher, "but in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I am out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the rancher. "Here," he said, "is a check for $900....................
it's postdated six years from now.
_____________________________________________________
Today, Actor Larry Hagman is 78 and Author Steven King is 62.
_____________________________________________________
94 more shopping days until Christmas! Stores here already have Christmas decorations and Christmas displays ready to go. (Wait! Can't we at least get through Halloween and Thanksgiving, first?
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Wife to Husband " what are you going to do today?"
Husband - "nothing"
Wife - "you done that yesterday"
Husband - "I'm not finished yet"
Perfect......................
A dingy blonde was weedeating in her yard. She didn't know her cat was hiding in the grass and she accidently cut off it's tail. She immediately scooped up the cat and the tail and hurried to Wal-Mart. Why Wal-Mart? Well Dah, that's the largest retailer in America.
I did laugh at that..........dingy is right........Thanks Flo.
Today's-----------------------------I thought I had posted this earlier. I guess the gremlins got it.
The other day I was walking with my friend, Eva, who happens to be a psychologist. "Eva," I said, "I feel like I'm a walking economy."
Eva replied, "What do you mean?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of those are putting me into a deep depression."
________________________________________
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863. (my wife failed to get the memo)
In 1989, Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.
_______________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------------Ledgible writing is not a required course in medical school.
Mary and Patty were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, Patty came upon the following garbled diagnosis;
"This patient has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, Patty double checked with the doctor.
After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled, "This patient," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
____________________________________________
Today--------------------Actor Mickey Rooney turns 89. Singer Julio Iglesias is 66, Actor Paul Peterson (The Donna Reed Show) is 64, and "The Boss" Bruce Springsteen is 60.
____________________________________________
In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.
Larryj
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Folks, I don't write them......
Today's-------------------------------------------I don't write them either, especially this one.
During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep may safely graze" as the casket was carried out of the church.
After the service, the minister complemented him on his performance and then said, "Oh, by the way, do you know what the deceased did for a living?"
"No sir, I sure don't," said the organist as he began packing up.
The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."
____________________________________________________
Today-----------Actress Sheila MacRae turns 85.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
I like both of the last ones LOL
I've like all that I read on here, but, Judy, I sat here and laughed till I had tears as I visualized to myself the look that must have been on that cabbie's face. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Today's-------------------------------------------------------
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry. And on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the Judge sternly, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking for in its entirety. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while driving down the freeway at 70 miles per hour."
________________________________________________
Today------------------Barbara Walters turns 80. Actor Michael Douglas is 65, Actress Cheryl Tiegs is 62, Actor Mark Hamill (Star Wars) is 58, and Actress Heather Locklear is 48.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .......
Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
If you don't send this
To five GOOD friends (As you can see I made sure more than 5 people saw this) I guess I could have made this a double barrel joke, but I already commited to this one and there you have it. Today you get 2 for 1.
Right away
There will be
Five fewer people
Smiling in the world.
Today's---------------------could be a repeat, at least I have seen it before.
A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from California to New York.............The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--------------------------------------OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!---------"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier. While I was taking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
At that point a passenger yelled, "That's nothing, you should see the BACK of mine."
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Today................Actress Donna Douglas is 77, Singer Lynn Anderson is 62, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 61 and fitness guru Jack LaLanne is 95.
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In 1969, "The Brady Bunch" premiered on ABC.
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Larryj
That is a good one!
Today's----------------------------it must be Sunday
During the somewhat lengthy service, the pastor noticed a middle-aged man fast asleep. Remaining in the pulpit, the minister, in a normal tone of voice, asked the woman sitting next to the sleeping parishioner to wake him up.
The woman looked up at the minister, shook her head and said, "I think you should wake him up..................You put him to sleep.
________________________________________
Actress Jayne Meadows is 89, Actor Wilford Brimley is 75, and Baseball Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt is 60.
________________________________________
In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.
In 1954, "Tonight!", hosted by Steve Allen, made its network debut on NBC-TV.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Next Tuesday evening Sept. 29th Glen Miller's band is in concert at Salina, Kansas. My sister, her husband and friends have tickets.
Today's---------------------------------------out of the mouths of babes.
A shy little 4-year-old came into the dentist for his first cleaning and examination. Kathy, the hygienist, tried to strike up a conversation, but got no response whatsoever.
After the cleaning, Lisa, the dentist was called over to perform the examination. Lisa tried to strike up a conversation as well, "How old are you?" she asked. No response.
She then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four fingers went up.
"Oh," replied Lisa, "and do you know how old that is?"
Once again, four little fingers went up. Continuing in her effort to get a verbal response, Lisa inquired, "Can't you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked her straight in the eye and asked indignantly, "Can't you count?"
_________________________________________________________
Today----------------Actress Bridget Bardot turns 75 and singer Ben E. King is 71
__________________________________________________________
In 1066, William the Conqueror (my ancestor) invaded England to claim the English Throne,.
In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
So how are you related to William? That's neat.
RE: Judy's post about the farmer's donkey that fell in a well? Seems to me just a case of a smart ass. I am surprised that nobody else picked up on this.
Diane, it is not a direct line relationship. Way back before dirt, one of the Norse Vikings landed in Normandy and took over. In his family line down through the years, there was marriages and William and an in-law (I am probably getting this all wrong without looking it up) Eudo decided that the throne of England was rightfully Williams and so they sailed from Normandy to England and waged war and William was crowned king. After him, there were more marriages and in those times, a woman could not pass on property to her heirs directly and those properties were given to a male relative or in-law. Out of all this came the FitzRandolph family of which Edward FR emigrated to America in the 1620's. The vikings name was Rolf, Raulph, Rollo, and Ranouf ---- take your pick, but the name FitzRandolph was descended from him. Edward is my direct ancestor. One of the FitzRandolph women moved with her father and mother to NW Pennsylvania where she married an Andrews. They had two sons of which Amos was one and he moved to Elk County in the 1880's and is buried in Grace Lawn along with his wife. He was my great-grandfather.
More than you wanted to know, I bet.
Larryj
Exactly what I wanted to know, thanks!
WAIT!!! There is more. One of the FitzRandolphs was Nathaniel. The FitzRandolphs had moved to New Jersey to establish their own religion and Nathaniel owned some land which he donated to Princeton University. There is a gate at Princeton named in honor of Nathaniel FitzRandolph and at one time his remains were entombed in the library there. I think that library was torn down and his remains along with other were moved to a cemetery. I only brought this up because it is close to you.
Second point: There are other forum members who are also descendants of the FitzRandolphs such as Mom70x7 and Crleonard. And maybe a couple I can't think of right now.
BTW, the religion established was the Seventh Day Baptist church. I have seen references somewhere that they were like or closely associated with the Quakers.
Such a wealth of information!
Larryj
Larry, I hope you don't mind me posting this here.
A
> married couple is driving along a highway doing a
> steady
> 60
> miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband
> suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
> 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
> want a divorce.'
>
> The wife says nothing,
> Keeps
> looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed
> to
> 65
> mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to
> try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because
> I've been having an affair with your best friend, And
> she's a far better lover than you
> are.'
>
> Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel
> more tightly and slowly increases the speed
> to
> 75
> He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says
> insistently..
>
> Up to
> 80.
> 'I want the car, too,' he
> continues.
>
> 85
> mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank
> accounts, all the credit cards and the
> boat!'
>
> The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
> bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,
> 'Isn't there anything you want?'
>
> The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
> 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
> 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you
> got?'
>
> Just before they slam into the wall at
> 85
> mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The
> airbag.'
>
>
Thanks to you both.
I have no problem with anyone posting here. The only requirement is that it has to be funny or least if you think it is funny.
Larryj
Today's--------------------------------------what a letdown!
Put in charge of organizing her friend's baby shower, Kim decided to send out invitations via e-mail. To let her husband know that he had babysitting duty that day, she entered his name on the "copy to" line.
Within minutes of sending the messages, Kim received an e-mail back from her husband -- "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me."
He was referring to the "subject line" of Kim's message, which read, "Lunch and a shower."
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Today---------Actor Steve Forrest is 85, Actress Anita Ekberg is 78, and my fave-Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 74.
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Personal story----Last night, my wife and I decided that we wanted to get some dinner from a local chicken place. So I went there and in ordering, the young teenage girl asked me my name as that is how they call you when your order is ready. So, being in my usual humorous mood, I told her my name and added, "or you can just say, 'hey, you', just don't call me late for dinner." I know, so 20th century. Anyway, she responded by suggesting Pancho and a few other names. This girl has a sense of humor. Anyway, I told her we had recently acquired a small chihuahua/Pomeranian mix dog and were having a hard time coming up with a name. SO, we named it RAMBO giving a 4 pound dog ---when wet---a fierce sounding name. She looked at me and smiled, then turned and proceeded to get my order ready. It occurred to me that she hadn't been born when the movie came out and didn't know who RAMBO was, or least didn't make the connection. This is sad!
Sadder still, when I call the dog ---"Here, RAMBO" he cocks his head and gives that "you're kidding me with that name, right?" look on his face.
_______________________________________
Larryj
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know a damn thing about penguins, did you?
::) ;D ;D
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Have a wonderful day and God Bless
An image is worth a thousand words!!! This is great. Thanks ;D ;D ;D ;D
Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he doesn't care for Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge informs him that he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened up, and they deliver. Obtaining the phone number, the business man goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "Oh my, what did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered--------------------pepper only."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In memoriam, in 1955, Actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car crash near Cholame, CA.
In 1939, the first college football game to be televised was shown on experimental station W2XBS in New York as Fordham University defeated Waynesburg College 34-7.
______________________________________________
Today--------------Actress Angie Dickinson is 78, Singer Cissy Houston is 76, Singer Johnny Mathis is 74, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 66.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------and don't admit that you have done this.
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh no..................oh, well, don't worry about it," consoled her husband, "remember, I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know, and it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes and regaining her composure, "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
____________________________________________
Today----------------former President Jimmy Carter is 85, Pianist Roger Williams is 85, Actor Tom Bosley is 82, Actress Julie Andrews is 74, and actress Stella Stevens is 71.
____________________________________________
In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.
In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring magnitude 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Here's one for you, Larry.....
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
By the way.... I was told that today makes five weeks that Teddy's been sober.
Well, that eclipses my record, darn it.
Your made me remember this one.
World War 1 and there is a Scottish regiment in a trench facing an equally sized German force in the opposing trench. Nothing is happening, it is a stalemate. Finally, one enterprising Scotsman asks his commander, "sir, what is a common German name?" The commander answers, "Well, I guess 'Hans' would be as good as any."
So the Scotsman goes down the trench a little ways and hollers, "Hey, Hans!" "Ya" comes an answer as a German stands to see who is calling him. The Scotsman aims and fires, killing the German. He then moves down the trench a little farther and calls out, "Hey Hans!" and the result is the same as the first time. This goes on for a while and finally a German goes to his commander and asks him what a common Scottish name is. The German commander replies, "well, I guess that would be Ian." So the German goes down the trench and hollers out, "Hey, Ian!"
"Is that you, Hans?" "Ya!" Bam--Bam.
Larryj
You got a laugh out loud......Larry, thanks!
Today's----------------------------------
A Stanford medical research group advertised for participants in a study of "obsessive-compulsive disorder."
Specifically, the group was looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder, and the response was, indeed, gratifying. The group received 376 responses the very day the ad came out------------all from the same individual.
__________________________________________________
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts" created by Charles M. Schulz was syndicated to seven newspapers.
In 1959, Rod Serling's "The Twilight Zone" made its debut on CBS-TV with the episode "Where is Everybody?" starring Earl Holliman.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverley Hills, CA, at age 59 after battling AIDS.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------more husband bashing-----------------
The wheel of the grocery cart was making a horrible screeching sound as the patron rolled it through the supermarket.
Nonetheless, when she finished her shopping and saw a woman apparently looking for a cart, she offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"Oh, that's OK," the woman said, "I have a husband at home just like that."
__________________________________________________
(True Story-----------We were shopping in a supermarket one time and had a very noisy cart. So I wheeled it over to the hardware aisle, grabbed a can of WD-40 and gave the wheels a quick shot and put the can back, and VOILA! no more noise.)
__________________________________________________
Today----Author Gore Vidal is 84, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 60 and Al Sharpton is 55.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon bun.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us older folks understand this one.
???
Pep, you missed the last line of the joke. The one about older folks. You ain't there yet. I once told a older, veteran co-worker that when I grew up, I wanted to be just like him. He looked at me and said, "Well, you appear to be grown up and---------------
You didn't make it."
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------It's Sunday with a chance of a light drizzle.
The Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right, children, let's take another example." she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Luke raised his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy" created by Chester Gould made its debut.
In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Los Angeles hotel room.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------------Just remember I don't write them.
A very attractive woman carrying a stack of boxes after a lengthy shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong gust of wind lifted her skirt.
A fellow standing nearby took a long and thorough look and smiled broadly.
The woman, of course, noticed and snapped at him, "Well, I can certainly see that you are no gentleman!"
The guy, still smiling, said, "Yep, and I can see you aren't one either!"
________________________________________________
In 1892, The Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Tacky....but funny!
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a knot hole in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14.....14'...
Ha! Ha!
;D ;D ;D ;D ouch!
HA! good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Today's-----------------------------is this McGiver?
Jill had been thinking about coloring her hair. One day while going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair in a shade she liked.
Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"
He took the magazine, looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out, and studied it again. "Just great, babe."
________________________________________________
In 1989, Actress Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.
________________________________________________
Larryj
LOLOLOLOL!
Today's-------------------------------------------ouch!
Harry, a retired gentleman volunteers to entertain residents at convalescent homes and patients in hospitals by taking his karaoke machine with him.
At one performance, he told some well-worn stories and sang a number of songs. When he finished, he bid the folks farewell and said, "I do hope you get better soon."
One elderly man yelled from the back, "We hope you get better, too!"
___________________________________________
Today--------Singer Al Martino is 82, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 66, and Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 62.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Don't let aging get you down. It's too darned hard to get back up!
Ain't that the truth!
Today's---------------------------------------------Have anyone done this?
After starting her new diet, Jan altered her drive to work to avoid passing her favorite bakery.
She accidentally drove by the bakery the other morning and as she approached, there in the window was a host of goodies.
Jan felt this was no accident, so she prayed, "Lord, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking space for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
_________________________________________________
Today---------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 73, the Rev. Jesse Jackson is 68, and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 60.
In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------------------
Struggling to make ends meet, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $325 dress she has purchased.
"Really, honey, how could you do this?"
"Well, I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'you look fabulous in the dress! Buy it!' "
"For Heaven's sake," the pastor replied, "you must realize that I, too, am faced with temptations every day and I confront it by saying, 'Get thee behind me, Satan.' "
"Well, that's exactly what I did," she said, "and Satan said, 'it looks fabulous from back here, too!"
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------Most likely a repeat, at least, I have heard it before and have told it many times.
A woman walked up to the smiling, frail, wrinkled little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"Pardon me, but I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said, "Tell me, what's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"Don't know for sure, but I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," the snaggle-toothed fellow said, adding, "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty, fried foods and never exercise."
"Wow! That's amazing," exclaimed the woman, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-three," he said.
____________________________________________
Today----------Former Illinois Senator Adlai Stevenson III is 79, entertainer Ben Vereen is 63, and country singer Tanya Tucker is 51.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------------------sounds about right.
Amy, a Sunday school teacher, was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She describes how Elijah built the altar, put wood on it, cut the steer in pieces and laid them on the altar. And then, Amy said, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. She told the class that Elijah had them do this four times.
"Now," Amy said, "can anyone tell me why the Lord would instruct Elijah to have the people pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room stood up and waved her hand. "I know! I know!" she said excitedly, "it was to make the gravy!"
___________________________________________
Today----------------In 1809, just over three years after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition ended, Meriwether Lewis was found dead at age 35 in a Tenessee inn, an apparent suicide.
In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington, D. C.
In 1979, Allan McLeod Cormack and Godfrey Newbold Hounsfield were named co-recipients of the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their work in developing the CAT scan X-ray.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
y'know Larry I like readin the trivia you include as much as the jokes!
Just do it to have fun and jog a few memories now and then. It's fun and informative. I like to add birthdays of those in my age group so others can say, "wow, look how old that guy is! OH WAIT! We're the same age!"
Personal story-------------Many years ago, well, maybe 12 years ago, my wife and I bought tickets to see Neil Diamond at the Forum here in LA. We have always been big fans of his, but had never been to one of his concerts. As we were walking from the car towards the Forum, we were watching others who were attending the concert. My wife, bless her heart, made the comment, and I swear this is the truth, "Larry, look how old these people are!" Then she looked at me and we both started laughing so hard we had to stop and rest before going on. Those people were probably looking at us and saying the same thing.
Larryj
l, I know what you mean....we went to see Ted Nugent a couple years ago and it was funny...a bunch of chunky 40 somethings rockin out lol although my daughter was one of about 4 teenagers LOL
Willy Nelson played a casino near here awhile back, but I didn't go cause I didn't want to see how old I have gotten! ;D
Don't let this happen to you.
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Today's---------I get confused sometimes whether the joke is a repeat or I have maybe heard it before, but I think this was on the forum before. However, I do know that there is someone who hasn't seen it.
A nice, calm, respectable lady went to the pharmacy, asked for the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I want to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it for my husband."
The pharmacist, obviously quite shocked, exclaimed, "My word, I can't sell you cyanide to give to your husband - that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail! All kinds of bad thing will happen - absolutely not! You can't have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, that's different...........you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
___________________________________________________________
Today----In 1492, Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.
In 1870, Gen. Robert E. Lee died in Lexington VA., at age 63.
In 1960, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev disrupted a U.N. General Assembly session by pounding his desk with a shoe when a speaker criticized his country.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
BOTH good ones DeeGee and Larry LOLOL!
Today's--------this is like a "my dad is bigger than your dad."
Three mothers were sitting around comparing verbal notes on the exemplary offspring.
"There's never has been a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Hawkinsprout with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Marina Del Mar."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Whippenstich proudly. "every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons - in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Shinsplintz sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody, but nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does - nobody."
"So, just what does Jackie do?" asked the others, turning to her.
"Well, three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city and pays him $150 an hour ---- just to talk about me!"
______________________________________________
Today------former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 84, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 68, Actress Pamela Tiffen is 67, Country Singer Lacy J. Dalton is 63, and Marie Osmond turns 50.
_____________________________________________
Today, in 1974, longtime television host Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
good one!
Today's--------------------------------delayed to the ineptitude of the person who arises before me and brings in the paper. I can't find it so this is from the archives. She will be chastised upon arrival from work---------------------INLAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.
They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.
"Aw, let's forget it," the man finally gasped, "We'll never get this inside."
The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "Inside?"
_____________________________________________________
Due to the non-existent newspaper, there will be no trivia or birthdays listed today. Sorry.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------------with much chagrin, she was able to bring the paper to me today. I could not find any noodles to punish her with.
Jennifer, a photographer for a daily newspaper, was assigned to get photos of a gigantic wild fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so she frantically called her boss to have him hire a plane.
"It'll be waiting for you at the airport," he advised her. As soon as she got to the small, rural airport, sure enough there was a plane, engine running, sitting near the runway. She jumped in with her equipment and yelled, "Let's go. Let's go!"
Without even looking at her, the fellow put aside his manual, turned the plane into the wind and they were quickly airborne.
"Fly over the north side of the fire!" she commanded him, adding, "And make three or four low-level passes!"
"What on earth for?" asked the man nervously.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" she said in exasperation. "I'm a photographer, that's what photographers do," she hollered at him
After a brief pause, the pilot turned and looked at her and stammered, "So---So----you're telling me you aren't the instructor?"
________________________________________________________
Today_________Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 85, Singer Barry McGuire is 74, Actress Linda Lavin is 72, Actress-Director Penny Marshall is 67, and Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York is 50.
_______________________________________________________
In 1917, Dutch dancer, Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.
In 2004, the FDA ordered that all antidepressants carry strong warnings that they "increase the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior " in children who take them.
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Larryj
That would make a good sketch, Larry.
Funny!
Today's---------------------------another "ouch."
Chatting with her next-door neighbor, Sherry said, "I have to tell you. I feel really good. I have started off the day with an act of unselfish generosity.............I gave $20 to a no-good, lazy bum."
"You gave a bum $20? That's a lot money to be handing out like that................What on earth did your husband say?" her neighbor asked.
"He said, 'Thank you, dear!"
______________________________________
In 1793, during the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, was beheaded.
In 1859, radical abolitionist, John Brown led a group of 21 men in a raid on Harper's Ferry in western Virginia, where they seized a U.S. arsenal in hopes of sparking a slave revolt. (In the siege that followed, 10 of Brown's men were killed and five escaped. Brown and his followers ended up being captured and all were executed.)
____________________________________________
Today------Actress Suzanne Sommers is 63 and Actress Angela Landsbury is 84.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------I've heard it before.
A woman went to a pet store and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $30.
"Why so inexpensive?" she asked. The pet store owner said, "Look, lemme' be honest here. This bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes --- oftentimes --- he can blurt out some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman considered this, but decided because of the price, she'd get the bird anyway. She took him home and set him in the living room. The bird looked around, then at her and said, "Ah, new house, new madam!"
The woman was a tad shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That really isn't so bad."
When her two teenage daughters came home from school, the bird looked at them and said, "Ah, new house, new hookers." The women were a bit offended, but then chuckled at the inference.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Wayne, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hiya, Wayne, how're ya doin'?"
____________________________________________
In 1979, Mother Teresa of India was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1989, an earthquake measuring magnitude 7.1 struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage. (The quake hit just before Game 3 of the World Series between the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants at Candlestick Park; the series was suspended until Oct. 27, at which time the A's resumed their four-game sweep of the Giants.)
In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion. (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939).
In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------Good Sunday morning!
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said kindergartner Enrique.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "Well, you know -- Our Father, who does art in Heaven......."
Just then another hand shot up in the air. "If that's so, then He -- God -- must be left-handed!" Leslie deduced.
The Sunday school teacher asked Leslie what made her think that. She replied, "I think the Bible says that 'Jesus ascended into Heaven and sitteth at the right hand of God the Father.' So, if God does art in Heaven, then he must be left-handed!"
_____________________________________________________
In 1867, The United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia..
In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, NJ, at age 84.
In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, MO., at age 97.
___________________________________________________
Today----------Rock-n-roller Chuck Berry is 83, Actress Pam Dawber is 59, Tennis hall-of-famer Martina Navratilova is 53, Actress Erin Moran (Happy Days) is 51, and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island) is 71.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------whoops-----
Each year the company conducts a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When the company was informed that it would not be able to reserve its usual location, Steve's assistant, Denise, spent many hours on the phone, trying to work out alternative arrangements.
Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into the conference room adjoining Steve's office. "Great news, Steve!" she announced. "We're getting our regular room at the hotel."
All eyes were on Denise and Steve as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.
________________________________________________
In 1781, British troops under General Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, VA., as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman signed an act formally ending the state of war with Germany.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------running a little late, it's been a busy day.
Laurie and Luanna are especially close girlfriends which affords them the luxury of being totally honest with each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," the other scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"It looks just fine."
"I've never looked worse," she whined.
"Oh yes you have!" her friend replied.
________________________________________
In 1994, actor Burt Lancaster died in Los Angeles at age 80.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------------------Maybe should post in the commercials thread ;D
A married couple awoke early one Saturday morning to find their young daughter standing at their bedside. As was customary, she eagerly brought the morning paper to her parents room. However, this particular morning, she had brought more than just the morning paper.
Proudly, she handed both her mother and father their personal coffee cups, grinning with pride at her resourcefulness and thoughtfulness.
As they each thankfully took their cups, they found not coffee, but six little green plastic army men, carefully arranged in each cup.
Curious, her mother asked the obvious.
Beaming with pride at having gone to such lengths to brighten her parents' morning, the little cherub replied, "Mommy, everybody knows that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" ::)
_______________________________________________________
Today----------------Actress Joyce Randolph is 85, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 69. and Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy) is 67.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
:laugh: :laugh:
Today's-----------------------------------------Well, Okaaaaaay?!!
Two sisters came home from school crying their hearts out.
"What's wrong?" asked their mother, quite concerned. Iris, the first sister, started wailing, "The kids at school make fun of my big feet."
"There, there," the mother said, "Your feet aren't that big."
She turned to Irene, the second sister, "Now, why are you crying, my dear?"
"Because I've been invited to a ski party and I don't have any skis."
"Listen, it's OK, dry your eyes." her mother said, "You can borrow your sister's shoes."
_____________________________________________________
In 1746, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.
In 1836, San Houston was inaugurated as the first constitutionally elected president of the Republic of Texas.
______________________________________________________
Today----------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 92, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 71, Actress Annette Funicello is 67, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 66 and actor Jeff Goldblum is 57.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
;D cruel but funny
Today's-------------------------------------Hard to type on the laptop with the pomchi laying across your lap.
During a software design meeting, employees were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.
One co-worker said the programming that was ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What, exactly, is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
_________________________________________________________
Yesterday, Soupy Sales, commedian, died at age 83.
In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------could have been a senior moment----
"I'd like to know where my paper is!" said the irate customer calling the newspaper office, demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam," said the newspaper support employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!"
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, dang, that's why no one was at church today."
____________________________________________________________
Today-------------------Actor David Nelson is 73 and Actor Kevin Kline is 63.
_______________________________________________
In 1901, widow Anna Edson became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
It's a shame about Soupy Sales. I understand he was partially eaten by White Tooth and Black Fang. Ya gotta remember to feed the old animals too. ;D
Today's-----------------------------------there is no "today's" due to a printing error.
However, I would like to reprint this as I found it interesting.
This is from Robert Rector, a former editor with the Pasadena Star-News and the Los Angeles Times,
It is entitled-----------HEY DUDE, WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD? YOU KNOW: WHATEVER!
In a recent poll conducted by Marist College, nearly half of Americans - 47 percent - said they find "whatever" the most annoying word or phrase in use today.
Twenty-five percent said they found "you know" most grating. 11 percent can't stand "it is what it is." 7 percent would like to ban "anyway" from all verbal exchanges, and 2 percent reported that they could do without hearing "at the end of the day."
I disagree. "Whatever" has evolved into what is clearly one of the most useful words in the English language today, a word of such economy and impact that it's appropriate for almost any occasion.
Consider these definitions, some of which are found in the Urban Dictionary.
Used in an argument, you can admit that you are wrong without actually admitting it. ("So the Pope isn't Italian. Whatever.)
It is passive-aggressive behavior at it's most eloquent. (She: "If you leave me, I'll kill myself!" He: "Whatever.")
It is often used to dismiss someone when it is clear that rational discussion would be a waste of time. ("Don't tell me you believe in that evolution stuff! the Bible clearly states that the Earth is 6,000 years old!" "Whatever, go bother someone else."
It is the most annoying thing that your girlfriend can say. ("Hey, would you like to get dinner, see a movie, then perhaps go back to my place?" "Whatever."
It's a phrase that can be used to indicate complete apathy. (Teacher: "Who was Plato?" Student: "Mickey Mouse's dog." No, he was a Greek philosopher." Student: "Whatever."
The term has more uses than a Swiss army knife.
By my yardstick, there are a lot more irritating phrases contributing to word pollution out there.
Take, for instance, the phrase, "What's the good word?" What are you supposed to reply? "Joblessness?" "Afghanistan?" Schwarzenegger?" On rare occasions, you could actually reply with a good word like "Hawaii" or "raise." Better yet, answer it with "it is what it is." that will stop the conversation dead in its tracks.
How about "No problem." This has somehow replaced "you're welcome" although it's a lot better than "no sweat" which was in vogue some time ago. George Carlin used to mock the phrase this way: "Thanks for helping me bring the dead babies up from the cellar.: "No problem."
"Awesome"makes my list. I have yet to hear it uttered by anyone who fits the definition of the word, "inspiring awe."
I don't know how "sucks" made it into everyday polite conversation, but it has. In fact, it is now the most sincere expression of sympathy going. (My dog died and I'm in foreclosure." "Man, that sucks."
But No. 1 on my hit list is "dude." Originally used to describe a dandy in Victorian England, it has somehow found its way into everyday conversation thanks to the stoners, surfers and skateboarders who often use it three times in one sentence. ("I was at the mall the other day, dude, and there was this hot chick and I went up to her and dude, I was like.............. dude ............"
If that's not distressing enough, the youth of our country are already at work crafting a new set of cliches
UCLA has compiled a dictionary called, naturally enough, "UCLA Slang" which attempts to categorize the language of the campus.
Successful submissions had to be unlikely to appear in a conventional dictionary. If the words and phrases also have the potential to puzzle parents, so much the better.
"Destroy," for instance means the opposite of what you would think: to do well on something like a test.
Verbs morph into nouns, as in "epic fail," now slang for "what a mistake!" Nouns also become adjectives, with "Obama" now used as slang for "cool or rad," as in "You just aced that exam - you are so Obama!"
The lingo of texting provided such visual entries as "QQ," an emoticon similar to a smiley face that, in this instance, stands for the verb "to cry."
Taking the first initials of a common phrase can result in a catchy initialism such as I.D.K., which is slang for "I don't know." Once those initials start being pronounced as a full blown word, they've evolved into an acronym like FOMO, which stands for "fear of missing out."
Whatever. ;D
Larryj
That's cool dude! ;D
Whatever----it is what it is. Dude.
Larryj
Today's---------------------is a repeat, a recent repeat and I won't post it again, so back to the archives.
An elderly widow was celebrating her 100 years of life at a party given by her 14 children.
One of her presents was some hearing aids as she had been very hard of hearing all of her life.
Later, one of her daughters came to visit and asked how she was doing with the new hearing aids. The old woman replied, "They are really great! I have never heard so well in my life. I wish I would have had them much earlier in my life."
"Why is that?" the daughter asked.
"Well," the elderly woman replied, "Your father used to come to bed and ask me, 'Do you want to go to sleep or what?" And I always said, "What?"
(14 kids)
_______________________________________________
Today--------------------Actress Jaclyn Smith is 64,TV Host Pat Sajak is 63, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is 62.
________________________________________________
In 1881, The Gunfight at the O.K. corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz., as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang. Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.
In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared that "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.
In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------paper back to normal-------
Les' brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to Lieutenant Commander.
We -- neighbors, friends and family -- were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns.
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.
___________________________________________________
Today---------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 89. Actress Ruby Dee is 85, and Country singer Lee Greenwood is 67.
_________________________________________________
In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn; "nylon"
In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------------Maybe the name should be changed to Warph.
Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another brand-new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.
"I've never had an old ball," Morris replied.
________________________________________________
Today-------Actress Joan Plowright is 80, Singer Charlie Daniels is 73, Actor Dennis Franz is 65 and Actress Telma Hopkins is 60.
_______________________________________________
In 1886, The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------good point.
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people.
"Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, and walk two miles. I"m fit as a fiddle! And you may want to know why. Well, I'll tell you. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't eat junk foods, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And, tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!L"
"Oh really?" drawled one of the onlookers,
"How?"
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Today------------------------Singer Melba Moore is 64, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 62, Actress Kate Jackson is 61.
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In 1929, known as "Black Tuesday," Wall Street crashed, heralding the beginning of the Great Depression.
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Larryj
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem to concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boys' room and put four objects on his desk—a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door, and when he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up," said the preacher to himself. "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher, like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon hear his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his school books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the desk.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, the boy picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. And he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as he admired this month's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher thought to himself. "He's gonna run for Congress."
Today's-------------------------------whoops.
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was unfaithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."
Being a man of the '90s, and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent following e-mail to his wife's lover.
Sir. It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply.
Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. Please be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your company's auditorium.
__________________________________________________
Today-----------------------------Rock singer Grace Slick is 70, Actor Henry Winkler is 64 and songwriter Eddie Holland is 70.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
LOLOLOL, now that's funny ;D ;D
Telephone Instructions from Rx:
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call 30 times before he would even answer the phone.'
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing of the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.' 'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Jo
That has me laughing out loud and grinning wishing I had someone to share it with. No I am not going to copy and forward.
Been on the 'puter all day (just about) and am ready to change chairs at least.......may find something to watch on tv.
Think there is ice-skating on that will do.
Judy, there is also basketball, but the music with the skating wins the decision.
That is why I turned it on. Fell asleep to it, so went to bed at Nine........I really am
getting to act like an old woman..............I did watch the Dog Whisperer, too
Today's-----------------appropriate because it's Halloween, probably could be disgusting to some.
For weeks Frank had been grumbling to his wife, Maureen, about having to go to a Halloween party. Maureen was adamant --- they were going. to the party.
The grumbling persisted, but she ignored his antics and had no idea what sort of costume he'd get. As party time approached she admonished him that he had better get upstairs, put on his costume and a happy face (because they were going to have a good time, period.)
It was time to go and Frank hadn't made an appearance. Muttering to herself as she climbed the stairs, she opened the bedroom door and her mouth dropped open in shock. There was Frank with nothing ---- nothing on but a pair of roller skates.
"What ARE you doing?" she asked incredulously.
"Who? Me?" he asked. "I ready to go ---- this is my costume ----
"I'm going as a pull toy!"
____________________________________________
In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.
In 1959, a former Marine showed up at the U.S. Embassy in Moscow to renounce his American citizenship. His name: Lee Harvey Oswald.
In 1968, President Lyndon Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam saying he hoped for fruitful peace talks. (Writer's comment-------HA!)
____________________________________________
Today------------Actress Lee Grant is 82, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 78, Actress Sally Kirkland is 68, Actress Diedre Hall is 61 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 59.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------------------Was she blond?
It was late one night in the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve were having a disagreement. Adam had stayed out several nights in a row and Eve was not happy.
"I'll bet you are running around with other women," she exclaimed.
"For Heaven's sake, Eve, be reasonable," Adam countered. "How could I be running around with someone else when you are the only woman on the planet?"
Eve did not have a reply to that.
A short time later, Adam fell asleep. He was awakened early in the morning hours by Eve poking him in the side.
"What are you doing?" Adam asked sleepily.
Eve replied, "I'm counting your ribs."
__________________________________________________
Today----------Actress Betsy Palmer is 83, Actress Barbara Bosson is 70, Actress Marsha Wallace is 67.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------AAAARRRRGHHH
When Zachary and Rosemary brought their newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, Rosemary said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"Actually, no," the doctor replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So, what do you say to the other?" Zachary asked.
"He looks just like you."
___________________________________________________________
Today---------R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters) is 72, Singer Jay Black (Jay and the Americans) is 71, Actress Stephanie Powers is 67, and Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 64.
___________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------------------good one
SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE BOUGHT A LEMON----------------------------------------------
1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile on his face and high-five the salesman.
2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a speed dial designation for Moe's towing service.
3. The booster cables aren't in the trunk, but permanently soldered to the battery.
4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.
5. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
6. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.
7. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.
8. The little "Service Engine" warning light in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."
________________________________________________________
Today------------Actor Ken Barrry is 76, Movie composer John Barry is 76, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 63, Singer Lulu is 61 and comedienne Roseanne Barr is 57.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------Down! R.A.M.B.O.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, Boss?" the clerk said excitedly. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long."
"Do you mean that repulsive salmon and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"Yessir, that's the one."
"That's great!" the manager exclaimed. "I didn't think we'd ever get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had. But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
___________________________________________________
Today------Actress Loretta Swift is 72, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 63, and Actress Markie Post is 59.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
Larry, I needed that one after so many depressing posts this morning. Thank you.
if anyone read that and didn't smile, they certainly have got problems. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Please Note: R.A.M.B.O., being the egotistical little bas------------mutt that he is, has insisted that is time for some sort of illustration under the name. I was going to post one of my granddaughter, but he insisted it should be him. And, because Wilma, among others, have posted pictures of their pets, it is only fitting that his picture should be there. I am not responsible for this decision.
Larryj
That's a dog? ;)
I am trying to shut down the computer or change to another thread before he comes back in. He will be highly offended by your remark and may take it out on me. My arms are already scarred from his overzealous playful biting. I would hate to see him when he is really ticked.
Larryj
He would be cute with a little itty bitty dog sled, but you don't have any snow do ya?
You should see him with his coat on. Nope, no snow here. In fact, I had to look the word up in the dictionary. Right next to the word was a map of Delaware.
Larryj
;D ;D ;D We do have our moments, but usually don't get big bomber blizzards. 4-6 inches is pretty common. We escaped much of anything last winter.
My son opted to attend Bryant College in Rhode Island his freshman year. That year Rhode Island received 107 inches of snow. Being a Southern California boy born and raised next to some of the best beaches in the world, he chose to come home to a school here for the rest of his college career.
Larryj
Good move! ;D
Today's--------------------------------------his mother didn't raise no dummies
A police recruit had done well on his written exams and now he was sailing through his final interview. The captain saved the toughest question for last.
"What would you do," he asked, peering over the rim of his glasses, "if you had to arrest your own mother?"
The recruit stiffened; thought for a second, then answered.
"Call for backup."
_____________________________________________________
In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to vote for President Ulysses S. Grant. (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but never paid the fine).
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Wilkie.
____________________________________________________
Today----------Actress Elke Sommer is 69, Singer Art Garfunkel is 68, Actor Sam Shepard is 66 and Singer Peter Noone is 62
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Eh, Elke Sommer couldn't be that old--could she?
From Wikipedia---
Elke Sommer (born 5 November 1940), born Elke Schletz, is a German-born actress, entertainer, and artist.
You can put her name in your search engine for the full article on her life.
Larryj
I was being facetious.
I first saw her in the 1963 war movie, The Victors, and again in A Shot in the Dark the next year.
She was a heart throb. Seems like yesterday.
This seemed like LarryJ humor, so I took the liberty of posting it here.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room-------the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"WHOA!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
"
Good one! Feel free to post anything that's funny.
Today's------------------------------Rodney Dangerfield would say---I don't get no respect.
The three children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they, alone, would care for it, they got one.
They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding Danny, she located a new home for the little creature.
Surprisingly, the children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time-------------------we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that person, I insist that he must go."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted, "go and get his cage."
Suddenly, with one voice and in tearful outrage, the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
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Today------------Director Mike Nichols is 78, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 77, Actress Sally Field is 63, Singer Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61 and California's First Lady Maria Shriver is 54.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat, but here it is anyway.
Saturday morning, Ralph got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was blowing 45 mph. He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio to the weather channel and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Ralph went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There, he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is really terrible."
Ralph's loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe that my hard-headed husband is out fishing in that mess?"
There was an uncomfortable silence before she exclaimed, "HA! Gotcha!"
________________________________________________________________
Today--------Opera singer Dame Joan Sutherland is 83, Singer Johnny Rivers is 67, Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 66 and The Rev. Billy Graham is 91
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In 1893, the state of Colorado granted its women the right to vote.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------so true!
The more I read of the shenanigans of politicians, judges and lawyers, the more I think the real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this:
Commandments of "Thou Shalt Not Steal" and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians creates a hostile work environment.
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Today----------------Actress June Havoc is 97, Singer Patti Page is 82, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 78 and Singer Bonnie Raitt is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------this one is definitely blond---no offense ladies.
A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just show stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "For example, if someone were standing behind you, he or she wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Well, that may be," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."
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Today------------Former Democratic vice-presidential candidate R. Sargent Shriver is 94. Baseball executive Whitey Herzog is 78, Baseball Hall of Famer Bob Gibson is 74 and "The Hulk" Lou Ferrigno is 58.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------this is for all you groaners.
Justin worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Justin was very excited and asked the manager if he could transfer and work the juice machines.
The manager said no.
Justin countered, "But, Sir, I've been working here for five years..............Why can't I operate the juice machine?"
The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but rules are rules ---- you know baggers can't be juicers."
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In 1775, (this is for you, Jarhead), The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.
In 1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Va.
In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Educational Television (later PBS
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Today-----Actor Russell Johnson is 85, Actor Albert Hall is 72 and Singer Donna Fargo (former teacher at our local high school) is 68.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------No dinner for this guy tonight.
After awakening one morning, a woman told her husband, "I just had a wonderful dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think that means?"
"Hmm," the husband said, thinking. "By golly, you'll know tonight," he said with a big smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day, and barely could wait for her husband to return home.
Finally the man came home carrying a small package. With a twinkle in his eyes, he presented it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly only to find a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower anchored of f Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politik."
In 1918, fighting in World War 1 came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.
In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
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Today--------Comedian Jonathon Winters is 84, Actress Bibi Andersson is 74 and our own CA Senator Barbara Boxer is 69.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------another groaner!
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Tina, the receptionist, says, "Excuse me, but you don't need a Dentist, you need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Tina: "So, why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..................."
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In 1942, the World War II naval Battle of Guadalcanal began. (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)
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Today---------R&B singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 70, Rock musician Booker T Jones (Booker T. and the MGs is 65, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 65 and Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 64.
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Larryj
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"
Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.
Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest.. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.
:angel: ::) :P ::) ;D
;D ;D ;D ;D I like that one, Judy!
Today's-----------------------------A little sarcasm here.
Quentin gets set up on a blind date, and to make a good impression, he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant.
After being seated, the lady orders extensively from the appetizer list. Quentin is surprised. When the waiter is at hand, the lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. Quentin is shocked at the quantity, much less the cost.
She pauses and looks across at him, then asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well, my dear," Quentin says, sighing, "perhaps the Mississippi River would be a good start."
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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain except for death and taxes."
In 1956, The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public, city and state buses.
In 1982, The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington.
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Larryj
Have you ever seen the Vietnam Vets Memorial?
I have never been to see the real thing, but the traveling replica has been in our own little town twice over the years. I go and see the names of friends that are on there. I sit in the grassy park facing the memorial with other "old-timers" and stare at the wall with them. We sit and remember our friends and all those others whose names appear on the wall. Some cry, some just stare and others bring letters that were written 40 years ago and reread them for the umpteenth time. It is a humbling experience and a sad one, but whenever that replica wall is nearby, I go, just to pay my respects and say thanks, God bless.
Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------What? Say that again.
Before a gig, the bandleader called the female singer over and told her, "Tonight, when we do 'Night and Day.' I want you to sing the second verse first, and then break into the bridge one bar earlier than usual."
"Transpose the bridge up a minor third, but then back down again for the last three bars of it. Then add a 5/4 bar going back into the first chorus, singing on only off beats."
"During the sax solo, go to the bridge a bar-and-a-half early, interrupting the solo, finish the first verse, go to the coda a bar late, and then keep singing for a full three beats after the band has finished."
Her eyes widened as she snorted, "That doesn't make any sense. I can't do all that."
He replies, "Why not? You did it last night."
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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.
In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
In 1973, Britain's Princess Anne married Capt. Mark Phillips in Westminster Abbey. (They divorced in 1992; Anne has remarried.)
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Today-----------Britain's Prince Charles in 61.
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Larryj
Choke! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Today's---------------------------------GROAN, GROAN, GROAN!
There was a small church out in the countryside, painted white and with a high steeple.
After services one Sunday, it was brought to the pastor's attention that the church needed painting. The next day he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. Returning to the church, he began the job.
He finished the first side and it looked good. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to go all the way back to town, so being the creative person that he was, he found some thinner in the shed out back, and added in to the paint.
It worked out fantastic and he finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained --- hard. The next morning when he stepped outside he saw that the first side of the church was OK, but all the paint on the other three sides had washed away. The pastor looked skyward in anguish and cried, "What shall I do?"
A booming voice from the heavens said, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
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In 1777, the Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, a precursor to the Constitution of the United States.
In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.
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Today--------------------Judge Joe Wapner is 90, Actor Ed Asner is 80, Singer Petula Clark is 77, Actor Sam Waterson is 69 and Frida (ABBA) is 64.
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Larryj
Today's ----------------------------------------some people's kids!
Mary was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, she had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box. Fortunately, she has a son more than six-feet-tall whom she often calls to come to her rescue.
"Hey, Brian!" she yelled to her son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"
"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen, "But next time, I would prefer the title 'Your Highness' when you need me."
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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.
In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state of the Union.
In 1933, The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
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Today------Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 74, Actress Joanna Pettet is 67 and Actor Steve Railsback is 64.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------Ahhh--The price of beauty-------------
After putting her children to bed, Jessica put on her old nightclothes, washed her hair, then covered her face with a wonderfully scented, but very dark, green-colored face moisturizer.
All the while, the children were becoming more rambunctious, and Jessica's patience was waning.
Finally, wrapping a towel around her head and throwing on an old robe, she stormed into the children's room and put them back into bed accompanied by a stern warning.
As she left the room, she heard her 4-year-old say with a trembling voice to her younger brother, "Wow! Who WAS that?"
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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.
In 1869, The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.
In 1934, Lyndon Baines Johnson married Claudia Alta Taylor, better known as Lady Bird in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1973, President Richard Nixon told Associated Press managing editors meeting in Orlando, Florida: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
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Today------------Rock musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 72, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 71, Actress Lauren Hutton is 66 and Actor-Director Danny DeVito is 65.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------take that!
A friend of mine, a divorcee, never remarried, and her visiting daughter wanted to know why.
Sighing, the woman said, "The men I know just would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage, and I simply don't want to put up with it."
Taking her mother's hands in mine, I said quietly, "I hate to break the news to you, dear friend, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
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Today------Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 70, Actress Linda Evans is 67 and former Cherokee Nation chief Wilma Mankiller is 64.
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In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse premiered in New York.
In 1959, "Ben-Hur" MGM's Biblical-era spectacle starring Chariton Heston and directed by William Wyler, had its world premiere at Loew's State Theatre in New York.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------What part of the physical description did she miss?
A man and a woman had been pen pals for more than a year, meeting via the Internet. She became so impressed with his letters, she fell in love and wrote asking for the opportunity to meet the man behind all the wonderful letters.
He wrote back that he, too, was so very pleased with their electronic relationship. But before honoring her request to meet in person, he had to let her know that he was in a serious car accident which left him with a steel plate in his head, a half head of hair, without one arm, confined to a wheelchair and a raspy and hoarse voice.
He concluded by writing that he would understand if this made her change her mind. She wrote back, pooh-poohing his physical impairments, indicating that the letters had revealed what he was like on the inside. She wrote that she wanted to meet him, and suggested that he pick her up at the airport the next Friday evening.
Her closing remark made his heart soar with happiness. She asked that he wear a rose in his lapel so she would recognize him.
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Today----Actor Alan Young is 90, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 73, and Larry King is 76.
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In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.
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Larryj
If it weren't for the United States military,
There'd be NO United States of America .
This Economy Is So Bad That...
I opened the mail and found a pre-declined credit card.
I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's now play miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them.
Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM.
McDonalds is selling a quarter-ouncer.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Beverly Hills parents fired their nannies and had to learn their kid's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six has stopped leaving the light on.
African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
Rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
My ATM gave me an IOU.
The highest-paying job in town is Jury Duty.
Today's-------------------busy day, a bit late.
As my mom ages, visits to a variety of doctors have become more frequent along with a plethora of prescriptions in order to take care of this, that and the other thing.
Accompanying her on a recent pharmaceutical trip, the pharmacist was going over the directions on a prescription bottle and he said emphatically, "be sure not to take this more often than every four hours."
Mom looked at him with a twinkle in her eyes and said, "Don't worry about that...............it takes me four hours to get the lids off.
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Today------------Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 84, Actress Estelle Parsons is 82, TV personality Richard Dawson is 77. comedian Dick Smothers is 71, Vice President Joe Biden is 67 and Actress Bo Derek is 53 (gulp).
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Larryj
I just cannot imagine Bo Derek at 53; has anyone seen a recent picture? ???
Today's---------------------------Big Groaner, this one is.
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a circle of dampness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
He called the waitress to his table and said, " It's all wet there," pointing to the tablecloth, "The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered the vegetable soup, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, there must be a leek in it."
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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial is 89, Actor Joseph Campanella is 82, Actress Marlo Thomas is 72 and Actress Goldie Hawn is 64.
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In 1927, picketing strikers at the Columbine Mine in northern Colorado were fired on by state police; six miners were killed.
In 1934, The Cole Porter musical "Anything Goes" starring Ethel Merman as Reno Sweeney, opened on Broadway.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------you are going to love this one!!
The congregation was celebrating the 100th anniversary of their church and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.
At one point, the church's current minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day and the bishop's presence.
He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one that you can move diagonally."
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In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda, CA., carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, Texas. Texas Gov. John B Connally was seriously wounded. Suspect Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.
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Today----Actor Robert Vaughn is 77, Actor Michael Callan is 74 and Tennis player Billie Jean King is 66.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------WARNING!!!! Put down your coffee cup before reading this one.
An industrious turkey farmer had been experimenting with breeding to produce a better turkey. You see, his family was fond of the leg portion and, obviously, there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store.
"Well, I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has six legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"Don't know," said the turkey farmer. "I haven't been able to catch him."
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In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco at the Palais Royale Saloon.
In 1936, Life, the photojournalism magazine created by Henry R. Luce, was first published.
In 1963, President Lyndon B. Johnson proclaimed Nov. 25 a day of national mourning following the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
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Today----------------Actress Susan Anspach is 67 and Actor Steve Landesberg is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------------
Long lines were supposed to be a thing of the past once our neighborhood supermarket installed a self-serve checkout counter.
Customers easily figured it out --- except for the woman at the front of my line. In its oddly irritating computer-generated voice, the machine kept reminding her to take one item after another out of the scanning zone before she could check the next item.
There was a constant "Move -- your -- produce" and "Move -- your -- milk" and so on. Everyone in the growing line was getting restless, but even we had to laugh when she left a bag of dinner rolls on the scanner and the machine commanded, "Move -- your -- buns.
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In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.
In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom. His fate remains unknown.
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Today-----Rock drummer Pete Best, original Beatles drummer before they became famous, is 68 and Actor Billy Connolly is 67.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------out of the mouths of babes--------------
When Brandon's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. And, at home little Brandon overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day, when Brandon and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" Brandon answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, if it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
_____________________________________________________
In 1963, the body of John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.
In 2002, President George W. Bush signed legislation creating the Department of Homeland Security, and appointed Tom Ridge to be its chief.
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Today------------------Actress Kathryn Crosby is 76, Singer Percy Sledge is 69 and Actor John Larroquette is 62
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Larryj
BONUS------------------------------today's reminded me of another one.
A soldier was overseas and was getting daily reports of his wife's pregnancy. Finally, she called and told him she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl.
Excitedly, he asked what names she had finally decided on.
"Oh," she said, "I couldn't decide so I let my brother name them."
Fearing the worst possible names from his Polish brother-in-law, he hesitantly asked what he had named the babies.
"Well," she said, "the girl is Denise." The soldier thought that was okay. He asked, "and the boy?"
Wait for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Denephew."
Larryj
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Today's--------------------I expected some kind of Thanksgiving humor---
Stan rushed into a flower shop. "I need some potted geraniums," he said urgently to the clerk.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use some African Violets instead?"
"No," Stan said, "It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
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In 1789, was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1973, President Richard Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she had accidentally caused part of the 18-minute gap in a key Watergate tape.
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Today-----------Impressionist Rich Little is 71 and Singer Tina Turner is 70.
(We saw Tina Turner in concert a few years ago and she was dancing and singing like she was 20 years old. What a performance!)
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Ouch!
In the mountain backwoods one doesn't see too many people hang-gliding, that's fer sure. But Ol' Zeke was the exception. He saved up and bought hisself a hang-glider. He took it to the highest mountain and prepared to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge and.............................into the wind he went!
Meanwhile, Ma & Pa Abnabbitt were sittin' on their porch swingin', talkin' 'bout the good ol' days, when Ma spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.
"Lookit the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaimed. Pa stood up, "Git my gun, Ma."
Ma ran inside and brought out his pump action shotgun. He took careful aim, BANG......BANG.......BANG.......BANG!
The monster-sized bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Pa," she said.
"Well, mebbe so," he replied, "but at least the thing let go of ol' Zeke."
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Skipping history and birthdays, we are celebrating our Thanksgive today and gotta run.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------not so at my house!
Warning Signs of Inferior Cooking------------
1. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.
2. Someone broke a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
3. Your family has a good idea what "Pease porridge hot in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
4. When you son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
5. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
6. You wonder why you have to buy 50 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
7. Your kids get even with neighborhood bullies by inviting them to dinner.
8. Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
9. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purplish-green.
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Today-----Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 69, Singer Randy Newman is 66 and Late Show orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 60.
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In 1520, Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Pacific Ocean after passing through the South American strait that now bears his name.
In 2001, Enron Corp. collapsed after would-be rescuer Dynegy Inc. backed out of an $8.4 billion deal to take it over.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------smart thinking.
Luke, a pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the reverend had to ask, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Luke lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, pastor," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and perhaps has forgotten about me, and I sure don't want to remind Him!"
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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.
In 2001, George Harrison, the "quiet Beatle," died in Los Angeles following a battle with cancer; he was 58.
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Today------------------Actress Diane Ladd is 74, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 69 and Comedian Garry Shandling is 60.
AND--Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for almost sixty years and still going strong is 82 (my hero).
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------------groan, groan---
A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular type of bracken fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.
Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very clearly, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about all ferns, rather than just the one species.
So within just a few minutes, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of documents about all kinds of ferns -- tree ferns, wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns............. but nary a one about the particular type he wanted.
So, he sent another message to everyone: "If it ain't bracken, don't fax it."
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens----better known as Mark Twain-----was born in Florida, MO.
In 1874, British statesman Sir Winston Churchill was born at Blenheim Palace.
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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 91, Actor Robert Guillaume is 82 and TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 80.
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Larryj
Today's----Jo, I hope you don't get a message like this from Rudy------------ :laugh:
Some neighbors of mine were the recipients of a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift from an acquaintance they hardly knew. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted horrible. It was so bad that my neighbors wasted no time double-bagging it before throwing it away.
Yet my neighbors, ever gracious and tactful, still felt obliged to send the acquaintance a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."
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In 1913, the first drive-in automobile service station, built by Gulf Refining Co., opened in Pittsburgh.
In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus. Mrs. Parks was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.
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Today----Actor/Director Woody Allen is 74, Golfer Lee Trevino is 70, Singer Diane Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70 and Actress/Singer Bette Midler is 64 (Another one that we saw in concert a few years ago, and just like Tina Turner, dancing and singing like she was 20 years old).
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Larryj
Today's----------Not the answer she was looking for!
"Mylah!" her mother scolded, "There were two cookies in the cupboard earlier this morning and now there is only one! Do you have an explanation?"
"Well," Mylah replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."
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In 1804, Napoleon crowned himself Emperor of the French.
In 1927, Ford Motor Co. formally unveiled its second Model A automobile, the successor to its Model T.
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Today------Character Actor Bill Erwin is 95, Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig is 85, Actress Julie Harris is 84 and Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 65.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------Sometimes it is better not to ask.
Melody Lynn spent some months on a mission serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township, she attended a medical clinic.
As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she could barely speak as she turned to her friend and asked, "Will you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?" Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery, if you boil the water, you won't get dysentery------.
_______________________________________________
In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected President of the United States by the Electoral College.
In 1960, the musical "Camelot" opened on Broadway.
In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where The Who were performing.
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Today-------Country Singer Ferlin Huskey is 84, Singer Andy Williams is 82, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 78 and Actress Mary Alice is 68.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------that'll teach him!
A little guy is sitting in a bar with a drink in front of him. A big guy walks in, shoves the little guy aside, grabs his drink and downs it in one gulp.
The little guy says nothing, but a tear begins to roll down his cheek. "Whatsamatter?" the big guy sneers.
The little guy clears his throat and says, "I'm not having a good day .. first, I get a letter from the bank informing me that my house is being repossessed. Next, my wife called me from out of town telling me that she's running away with my best friend. Then, I get to work only to find that I've been laid off, and now, (sniff) now I come in here to end it all, and you barge in and drink all my poison.
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In 1619, settlers from Bristol, England, arrived at Berkeley Hundred in present-day Charles City County, VA., where they held a service thanking God for their safe arrival. (Some suggest that this was America's true first Thanksgiving.)
In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.
In 1991, The original Pan American World Airways ceased operations.
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Today----Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 88, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 73, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 72, and Actor Jeff Bridges is 60. Oh yeah, Radio-TV personality Wink Martindale is 76.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------ya get what ya pay for------
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen. He gets the attention of an usher and urgently whispers, "This is a mystery, and I love mysteries. I absolutely have to watch a mystery close up where I can see well and hear clearly. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher does some maneuvering and manages to get him into the second row. Without a word of thanks, the man rewards him with a quarter. The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over and whispers to the man, "The wife's sister did it."
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In 1792, President George Washington was re-elected to a second term and John Adams was re-elected Vice President.
In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1933, national Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 35th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.
__________________________________________________
Today-------Pop Singer Jim Messina is 62 and (can you believe it?) Singer Little Richard is 77.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------It's Sunday
Immediately following church services, Robbie told his parents he had to talk to the minister right away. They agreed and the pastor greeted the family. "Pastor," Robbie said, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Robbie, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I did and may I say I'm so glad you were listening. But, tell me, do you have a question?"
"Well, would you come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
______________________________________________
In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.
In 1969, a free concert by the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Speedway in Alameda County, CA., was marred by the deaths of four people including one who was stabbed by a Hell's Angel.
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Today----------Jazz Musician Dave Brubeck is 89 and Actress Jobeth Williams is 61
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------Rainy days and Mondays------Hmmm---sounds like a Carpenter's song.
Ramona had offered to drive her mother-in-law to the Doctor's office.
But when she arrived at her house, she found her gossiping with a neighbor. "Mom, we've got to go," Ramona interrupted, but her urgency was ignored because of the incessant chatter.
"Mom!" Ramona repeated as she pulled her away.
"Sorry, honey, but I didn't know what to do," she said, getting into the car, "that woman wouldn't stop listening to me!"
_____________________________________________________
In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1941, Imperial Japanese warplanes attacked the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, as well as other American and British bases in the Pacific; the preemptive raids prompted the United States to enter World War II.
In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral, FL.
____________________________________________________
Today----------Actor Eli Wallach is 94, Actrress Ellen Burstyn is 77 and Baseball Hall-of-famer Johnny Bench is 62.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------second attempt, gremlins got the first one.
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a huge order.
As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, the bottom gave way, spilling the contents on the floor.
"Ohhhh, they just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted out to the customer, "that was supposed to happen in your driveway."
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In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, one day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by Mark David Chapman, an apparently deranged fan.
_________________________________________
Today----------Actor-Director Maximillian Schell is 79, Actor James MacArthur is 72, Singer Jerry Butler is 70, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 62 and Actress Kim Basinger is 56.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------------------sounds typical
Some years ago, my friend's husband, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value, and sent a letter to Washington, D.C., requesting permission to destroy them.
The reply he received read as follows: "Permission is given to destroy the original records, but make triplicate copies of them first."
___________________________________________
In 1941, China declared war on Japan, Germany and Italy.
In 1958, the John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 1992, Britain's Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced their separation. (The couple's divorce became final Aug. 28, 1996.)
________________________________________________
Today--------------------------Actress Francis Reid is 95, Actor Dick Van Patten is 81, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 79, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 75, Actor Beau Bridges is 68, and Actor Kirk Douglas is 93.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------I guess when you are good, you are good---
A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled, floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two guys found a skeleton, fully clothed, standing erect in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided to call the police. When the police arrived, the two suggested that the remains could be "Jimmy Hoffa or someone really important."
Days past and nothing appeared in the paper, so they called the police hoping to solve the mystery. The desk sergeant said, "Well, it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"It was the 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion," he replied.
______________________________________________________
In 1869, women were granted the right to vote in the Wyoming Territory.
In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for helping mediate an end to the Russo-Japanese War.
In 1964, the Rev. Marin Luther King Jr. received the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1984, South African Bishop Desmond Tutu received the Nobel Peace Prize.
______________________________________________________
Today----Actor Tommy Kirk is 68, Pop Singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 68 and Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 63
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------------money talks
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we canna have services for an animal in the church. But, there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "Thanks, Father, I'll go right away, Father. By the way, do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick clasped his hands and exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
____________________________________________________________
In 1936, Britain's King Edward VIII abdicated to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
IN 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States. The U.S. responded in kind.
_____________________________________________________________
Today----Actress Donna Mills is 67, Singer Brenda Lee is 65, Actress Lynda Day George is 65, Actress Teri Gar is 62 and Actress Rita Moreno is 78.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Is this your car?
HOW TO TELL WHEN IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR.
1. Your passenger seat is on the National Registry of Historic Places.
2. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
3. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.
4. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."
5. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
6. While waiting at a stoplight, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
7. You keep losing passengers on left turns.
8. Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
9. It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
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In 1897, "The Katzenjammer Kids," the pioneering comic strip created by Rudolph Dirks made its debut in the New York Journal.
In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1925, the first motel -- The Motel Inn --- opened in San Luis Obispo, CA.
____________________________________________________
Today---------Singer Connie Francis is 71, Singer Dionne Warwick is 69 and TV Host Bob Barker is 86.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Larry, I've been meaning to tell you how much I appreciate the jokes, but even more how much I like reading the birthdays and history trivia. I have to admit I'm surprised by some of the birthdays (not so much the age but the fact I didn't know that person was still alive!) Anyway, thank you for posting these every day. They make me smile, and that's something.
Indy, one of the reasons I started this thread was to make someone's day a little brighter. If someone reads a joke and then passes it on to another, it might make their day a little better. I, also, am amazed sometimes that these people are still alive. As they get older, they fade from public memory due to their own wishes or because they can no longer work. My great fear is that the source that I draw this information from, might prove to be erroneous and I post the birthday of someone who has passed. If I ever do that, I am sorry. Anyway, thanks for posting and continue to enjoy.
Larryj
Today's--------------------------------------sounds blonde (whoops! sorry Teresa)
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Ft. Dix, N.J., Ramon went into town to get his haircut. The young hairdresser noticed his accent and asked where he was from.
"Trinidad," Ramon said.
"Hey, isn't that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean," he said.
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
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In 1862, Union forces suffered a major defeat to the Confederates in the Civil War Battle of Fredericksburg.
In 1978, The Philadelphia Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, which went into circulation in July 1979.
In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole at a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.
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Today-------------Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 84, Actor Christopher Plummer is 80, Singer John Davidson is 68 and Rock musician Ted Nugent is 61.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------Garden of Eden Sears outlet?
Things they probably didn't tell you in Sunday school: Adam took a bite from the forbidden fruit and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind a bush and tried on maple leaf, a sycamore leaf and an oak leaf.
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In 1799, the first President of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, VA., home at age 67.
In 1981, Israel annexed the Golan Heights, which it had seized from Syria in 1967.
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Today--------Jazz Musician Clark Terry is 89, Singer-Actress Abbe Lane is 78, Actor Hal Williams is 71, Actress-Singer Jane Birkin is 63, Actress Patty Duke is 63 and Actress Dee Wallace is 61
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Larryj
BONUS ---------------------BONUS---------------------------BONUS-------------------------------BONUS
This is from a friend of mine through e-mail yesterday.
THE BURGLAR
A Burglar breaks into a house and everything is dark and quiet. As he moves through the house, a voice is heard:
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.
He stops, turns off his flashlight and freezes, listening for more sounds or voices. After a few minutes, he turns on the flashlight and goes to the stereo and begins removing the wiring. Again, the voice says:
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.
He shines the light around the room and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner. He goes over to the parrot and says, "Did you say that? That part about 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The parrot answers, "Yes, I did."
The burglar is pretty amazed at the ability of the parrot to carry on a conversation. He asks, "What is your name?" The parrot answers, "Moses." The burglar says, "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies, "the same idiot that gave the name JESUS to the rottweiler."
Larryj
Tell your friend "Thank you" for me. ;D ;D ;D
Today's----------------whatever works, I guess.
A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall, stepping up to the podium each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket and setting it on the lectern.
After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day a student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked to the lectern, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of his head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room and up to the podium, reached into his jacket and removed a baseball............
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.
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In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.
In 1890, Sioux Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a confrontation with Indian police.
In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With the Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta.
In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.
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Today-----Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 76, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 70, Rock Musician Dave Clark is 67 and Actor Don Johnson is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------smart man---
During an attack of laryngitis my neighbor, Sherry, lost her voice completely for three days. Her husband, Larry, in order to help her communicate with him, devised a system of taps.
One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes" and 95 taps meant "Take out the trash."
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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes.
In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium. (the Allies were eventually able to beat the Germans back).
_________________________________________________________
Today-------Actress Joyce Bulifant is 72, Actress Liv Ullmann is 71, TV producer Steven Bochco is 66, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 63 and Actor Ben Cross is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------Ya have to think about this one somewhat---
A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom."
"You cannot use them as you recite, or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter."
"The first word is 'gross' and the second word is 'cool.' Are there any questions?"
One student raises his hand and asks, "So, what are they?"
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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful man-powered airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.
In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford. (She was paroled in August 2009).
In 1989, the animated TV series "The Simpsons" premiered on Fox with a Christmas-themed episode.
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Today-----------Rock Singer Art Neville is 72, Actor Christopher Cazenove is 66 and Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 63.
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Larryj
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God.."
:D ;D :D ;)
LOL :laugh: :laugh: Good one, Judy. Thanks.
Today's----------------------------------------sounds like a fine family---
Little Timmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.
When she rang the bell, Little Timmy opened the door. The Teacher said, "Hello, Timmy, May I please speak with your Mother or your Father?"
Little Timmy said, "Sorry, but they's ain't here."
The teacher, exasperated, said, "Oh Timmy, what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," said Little Timmy, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."
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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.
In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.
In 1972, The United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War. (The bombardment ended 11 days later).
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Today----Television Writer-Producer Hal Kanter is 91, Actor Roger Smith is 77, Blues Musician Lonnie Brooks is 76, Rock Singer-musician Keith Richards is 66 and Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------OOOOkkkkkkkaaaayyyyyy. (Groaner)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the season," St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get to Heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on, saying "This represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "these are bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and solemnly asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "Oh, those are Carols."
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In 1777. Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA., to camp for the winter.
In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," written by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.
In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice (he was later acquitted by the Senate).
__________________________________________
Today--------------Country Singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 89, Actress Cicely Tyson is 76, Actress Elaine Joyce is 66, Actor Tim Reid is 65 and Singer Janie Fricke is 62.
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Larryj
BONUS--------------------------------------------------BONUS--------------------------------------------BONUS
Today's reminded me of another similar one.
A man had long suspected his wife of infidelity. He snuck home early one evening trying to catch her having an affair. As he pulled up, he noticed a nice shiny Corvette at the curb. Infuriated, he dashed into the second story apartment and began shouting at his wife demanding to know where her lover was. He began to throw furniture around looking for the man. In his frustration of not finding anyone, he picked up the refrigerator and heaved it out the window. This exertion caused to him to have a heart attack and die.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter sees him coming and asks what had happened and the man told St. Peter the story and went on into Heaven. A little later, another unexpected man showed up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he had died.
He said, "You won't believe this, but I was sitting in my Corvette and all of a sudden a refrigerator fell on me, killing me." And he went on into Heaven.
A third unexpected man came forward and St. Peter, who had not been expecting anyone that day was surprised. He asks the third man how he died. The third man answered, "Well, it was like this---------I was hiding in this refrigerator when all of a sudden--------------------------------------.
Larryj
Today's------------------------kid needs a spell checker
On this Sunday before Christmas, the Sunday school teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Robb's had an odd element in it.
"Robb, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that little thing following the donkey?"
"It's the flea, Miss Annie."
"Flea? Uh........what flea?" asked Miss Annie.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse; "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt."
"Well," Robb explained, "There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."
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In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States during ceremonies in New Orleans.
In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for t he holidays.
In 1978, former White House chief of staff, H.R. Haldeman was released from prison after serving 18 months for his role in the Watergate cover-up.
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Today-----Actress Audrey Totter is 92, Psychic/illusionist Uri Geller is 63 and rock musician Alan Parsons is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Has your pharmacist ever had to call the doctor to find out what he wrote?
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion.
As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building. His white uniform was now scorched black as well as his hair.
He slowly made his way to a woman standing nearby. "Lady," he exclaimed, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again.....................And this time, have him PRINT IT!"
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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Mass.
In 1937, the first feature-length animated cartoon in Technicolor, Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," had its world premiere in Los Angeles.
In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.
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Today------------Actor Ed Nelson is 81, Talk Show host Phil Donahue is 74, Actress Jane Fonda is 72 and Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------------Ahhh, the spirit of Christmas.
My friend Bridget who lives in Chicago, was headed down the steps to catch her subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was backup bus service above ground.
Bridget was rushing back up the stairs when she passed two women descending. No 'L'," she gasped as she took two steps at a time.
"And a Merry Christmas to you, too." they called out as they continued down the stairs.
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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman wrote a message to President Abraham Lincoln which said in part: "I beg to present you as a Christmas-gift, the city of Savannah."
In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.
In 2001, Richard C. Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami,. tried to ignite explosives in his shoes, but was subdued by flight attendants and other passengers. (Reid is serving a life sentence.)
______________________________________________
Today-----------Actress Barbara Billingsley is 94, Baseball Hall-of-famer Steve Carlton is 65, ABC news correspondent Diane Sawyer is 64, Baseball hall-of-famer Steve Garvey is 61, Singer Robin Gibb is 60 and Actor Hector Elizondo (one of my favs) is 73.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------Smart kid, thinking ahead.
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family's Christmas Eve dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one). Then, he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Then he began to thank God for the food, item by item: the turkey, dressing, potatoes, rolls, butter, all the desserts, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited-------------and waited. Finally, his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn't mentioned yet). The young fellow looked up at his mom and said, "I can't! But I know I should, so I don't know what to do!"
"What do you mean, dear?" asked his mother.
"Since it's Jesus' birthday, I bet he is listening closer than usual," said the boy. "So if I thank God for the broccoli, he'll know I'm lying, and then he'll tell Santa and then Santa won't bring me anything!"
_________________________________________________________
In 1783, George Washington resigned as Commander in Chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home in Mount Vernon, VA.
In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.
In 1948, former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo.
_________________________________________________________
Today----------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 88, Actor Ronnie Schell is 78, Actor James Stacey is 73 and Actress Susan Lucci is 63.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
How funny, Larry
We can all sort of relate to those thoughts, can't we??? :D :D
Yes, we can, Jo, yes we can.
Today's-------------------------Warning!!!!! This might kill your Christmas spirit!!!!!
Signs that a bad department store Santa was hired:
10. He wears the Santa costume all year around.
9. Tells the salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding."
8. After every toy request say, "Yeah, right."
7. Tries to hide the fact he is wearing handcuffs.
6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute and $2.95 each additional minute.
5. Every day around 10 A.M., throws up in the Christmas tree.
4. Keeps sending his elves out for more Vermouth.
3. Keeps asking kids if they'd like a piece of dried and smoked reindeer.
2. Keeps reminiscing about the vice presidency under Bill Clinton.
1. He's packin' heat.
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In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces as part of Operation Overlord.
In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts orbiting the moon read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.
In 1980, Americans remembered the U.S. hostages in Iran by burning candles or shining lights for 417 seconds --- one second for each day of captivity.
______________________________________________________
Today---------Author Mary Higgins Clark is 82, record company executive Mike Curb is 65 and our own Rudy Taylor is 64.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------Groaners for a Christmas Day-------------
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mo-o-o-o-o-oey Christmas!
Why did the boy's mother knit him three socks for Christmas?
Because since last Christmas he had grown an extra foot.
Why does Santa Clause go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.
On what kind of beach would you find Santa surfing?
One with a Yule tide.
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A 3 carrot ring.
What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.
"What's the weather forecast for Christmas, honey?"
"It's going to rain, dear."
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Why are Christmas trees like clumsy knitters?
They both drop their needles.
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In A.D. 336, the first recorded celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25 took place in Rome.
In 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England. (my ancestor).
In 1818, "Silent Night" written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time, at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.
In 1946, W.C. Fields died in Pasadena at age 66.
In 1977, Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88.
In 2006, James Brown, the godfather of soul, died of heart failure in Atlanta at age 73.
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Today---------Singer Tony Martin is 96, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 63, Singer Barbara Mandrell is 61 and Actress Cissy Spacek is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------first attempt went to the great big forum in the sky.
Because an number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim.
That is true---------------if you are at a big, high class casino.
At the cheaper casinos, they just drag the victim across the carpet and touch his finger to the doorknob.
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In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.
In 1996, 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey was found beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado. (To date, the slaying remains unsolved, despite a widely publicized "confession" by John Mark Karr.
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Today------Actor Donald Moffat is 79, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on "Sesame Street") is 76, Record Producer Phil Spector is 70 (wonder if they gave him a cake in prison?), and "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------was a joke already posted on the forum by some one else.
So, drawn from the archives.
The semester had started at the local college and in the welcoming ceremony, the dean of students read aloud the rules of attending that school.
"The female locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to male students. Conversely, the male locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to female students. This applies to the dorm rooms as well."
"The first infraction of this rule will cost $20. The second infraction will cost $40 and a third time will cost $120."
"Any questions?" the dean asked.
From the back of the room, a male voice asked, "How much for a season pass?"
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In 1932, Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City.
In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a safe nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.
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Today---------Actor John Amos is 70, News Correspondent Cokie Roberts is 66 and Actor Gerard Depardieu is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------with age comes knowledge------
The guys were all at a deer camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the cabin with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. The others said, "Sheesh, what happened?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just lay awake in bed all night watching him."
The next night a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing --- hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot. They said, "Dang, what happened? You look awful!" He said, "Well, I'll tell you. Bob is so loud with his snoring that I couldn't help but watch him all night."
The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man who was quite aware of Bob's nocturnal racket.
The next morning Fred came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good mornin'!" he exclaimed. The others couldn't believe it. They said, "Geez, what happened? " Fred said, " Well, after we got ready for bed, I went over and tucked Bob in, patted him on the butt and kissed him goodnight......................"
"yes, yes, go on," the others demanded.
"Well, I went on to bed and apparently Bob watched ME all night."
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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice-president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.
In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the union.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 2000, Clayton Moore, television's "Lone Ranger," died in West Hills, at age 85.
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Today---------Actor Martin Milner is 78, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 77, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 75 and rock singer-musician Edgar Winter is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------it figures----------
A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly ---- actually, a lot of assembly ---- was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teen tiny air hub.
As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.
"You are not going to believe this," he said. "The one piece missing .........is the luggage!"
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In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.
In 1957, singers Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme were married in Las Vegas.
In 1975, a bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's LaGuardia Airport, killing 11 people.
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Today---------Actress Inga Swenson in 77, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 73, Actor Jon Voight is 71, Actor Ted Danson is 62 and Singer Marianne Faithful is 63.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------these sound familiar?
SIGNS THAT OLD AGE IS CREEPING UP---------
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "50 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts that feel the best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill your suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the right or left.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
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In 1853, The United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45.000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.
In 1907, The Mills Commission issued its final report, concluding that Abner Doubleday had invented baseball, a view few sports historians, if any, agree with.
In 1922, Vladimir I. Lenin proclaimed the establishment of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
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Today------Actor Joseph Bologna is 75, Baseball Hall of Famer Sandy Koufax is 74, Actor Fred Ward is 67, Singer-musician Michael Nesmith is 67, Singer Davy Jones is 64, Actress Concetta Tomei is 64 and Singer Patti Smith is 63.
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Larryj
In following up on the Gadsden Purchase reading just now, it seems the correct size of the Gadsden Purchase is 29,670 square miles. I don't know where the paper got the 45,000 square mile figure. I always knew about the Gadsden Purchase having lived in New Mexico, but not a whole lot. I found out it was done to establish a southern route for a railroad.
The things you relearn!!!
Larryj
Today's--------And a Happy New Year to you, too.
Last Christmas morning, after all the toys were opened, it was clear that Melissa's 5-year-old son wasn't thrilled with the ratio of toys to gifts he'd received.
As he trudged slowly up the stairs, Melissa called out, "Hey, where ya' goin?"
"To my room" he said, "to play with my socks."
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In 1759, Arthur Guiness founded his famous brewery at St. James's Gate in Dublin.
In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, NJ.
In 1985, singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Years' Eve performance in Dallas.
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Today------------Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 72, Actor Tim Considine is 69, Actress Sarah Miles is 68, Actor Ben Kingsley is 66, Actor Tim Matheson is 62 and Singer Donna Summer (Last Dance) is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------God smiles on Pasadena on New Year's Day, always.
I was making Play-Doh animals with my 4-year-old grandniece, Abby, and her 3-year-old brother, Gavin. While Abby was clearly molding a crude, but recognizable dog, figuring what Gavin was making was a bit more challenging.
It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it." Some time later, Abby had made another simple animal shape, but Gavin had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked. Gavin shrugged and said simply, "same truck."
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In 1808, a law prohibiting the importation of slaves into the United States went into effect.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation declaring that slaves in rebel states were free.
In 1890, The first Tournament of Roses was held in Pasadena.
In 1892, the Ellis Island Immigration Station in New York formally opened.
In 1959, Fidel Castro and his revolutionaries overthrew Cuban leader Fulgencio Batista, who fled to the Dominican Republican.
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Today--------Actor Ty Hardin is 80, Actor Frank Langella is 72 and Rock Singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 68.
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Larryj
Today's--------It is not what you say, but how you say it.
A female employee at a local company had a brand-new change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she had planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand new employee, Sheila didn't know any of this history, so she was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board.
"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes!"
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In 1935, Bruno Hauptmann went on trial in Flemington, N.J., on charges of kidnapping and murdering the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (Hauptmann was found guilty and executed.)
In 1978, President Richard Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55 miles per hour. (However, federal speed limits were abolished in 1995.)
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Today------Country Musician Harold Bradley is 84 and TV host Jack Hanna is 63.
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Larryj
Today's------uuuuhhhhhh-----big ooops.
My friend was given permission by her granddaughter to read the letter she had written to Santa and let me in on it as well.
Among the common presents a 6-year-old would ask for such as dolls and dollhouses, stuffed animals and Crayons, was the following request:
"And, please, Santa, will you bring some clothes for all those naked ladies in my daddy's computer?"
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In 1521, Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church by Pope Leo X.
In 1938, the March of Dimes campaign to fight polio was organized.
In 1980, conservationist Joy Adamson author of "Born Free" was killed in northern Kenya by a former employee.
In 1990, ousted Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega surrendered to U.S. forces, 10 days after taking refuge in the Vatican's diplomatic mission.
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Today------Actor Robert Loggia is 80, Actor Dabney Coleman is 78, Musician Stephen Stills is 65 and Actress Victoria Principal is 60.
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Larryj
For those who saw the portrayal of Elsa the lion and George and Joy Adamson in the motion picture "Born Free" and the sequels, Joy Adamson's death was an unbelievable shocker.
Especially when she was reported to have been killed by a lion.
The coroner, though, determined she was murdered and the police subsequently determined the culprit was one of her former employees.
Just as shocking was George Adamson's murder a few years later.
Today's-------------------------------Should have been in Sunday's paper---
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church after services, the minister heard the intonation of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently his 5-year-old son and his friends had discovered a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, dug a hole and made ready for disposal of the deceased creature.
It was no surprise that the minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate words and, with sonorous dignity, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Fa-a-a-ather, and unto the So-o-o-o-on...............and into the hole he go-o-o-o-oes..."
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In 1809, Louis Braille, inventor of the Braille raised-dot system for the blind, was born in Coupvray, France.
In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, MD.
In 1904, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the United States freely: however, the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.
In 2007, Nancy Pelosi was elected the first female speaker of the House as Democrats took control of Congress.
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Today----------Actress Barbara Rush is 83, Football Hall-of-Famer coach Don Shula is 80 and Actress Dyan Cannon is 73.
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Larryj
3 Old Guys
'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all. '
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
Today's---------------------------------This could ruin your day---
A change in the weather had brought low temperatures and a threat of rain, possibly snow. At the end of class, a kindergarten teacher was asked by a young lad if she would help him put on his boots.
It was soon evident why he asked for assistance. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots just didn't want to go on his feet. By the time they were able to get the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She was speechless when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet!"
Sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier getting them off than it was putting them on. But she managed to keep her cool as they struggled to get the boots on the correct feet.
The little tyke then announced, "These aren't my boots." Although the day had been strenuous, she bit her tongue rather than lash out, demanding "Why didn't you say so at first?" Without a word, she kneeled down and battled to once again remove the ill-fitting boots
No sooner had they removed the boots when the dear child announced proudly, "They're my brother's boots -- my mom made me wear 'em!"
At this point she didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream, but she mustered up the grace and courage to once again wrestle the boots back on.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "Oh, mom said to stuff them in the toes of my boots so I wouldn't lose 'em."
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In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Va.
In 1925, Nellie T. Ross became governor of Wyoming; she was the first female governor in U.S. history.
In 1998, Sonny Bono, the 1960's pop star-turned-politician was killed when he struck a tree while skiing at the Heavenly Ski Resort on the Nevada-California state line. He was 62.
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Today-----Former Vice-President Walter F. Mondale is 82, Actor Robert Duvall is 79, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 64 and Actor Ted Lange is 62.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------probably a repeat, sorry, and old, sorry, and blonde, not sorry-------
The young lady decided that the time had come to try her skills at ice fishing. After traipsing out on the ice, she took her axe and gave the surface a might blow. Suddenly, there was a booming voice seemingly from out of nowhere explicitly stating, "There are NO fish under the ice.
The bewildered woman looked around, but didn't see anyone, so she again struck the ice vigorously. Once again, the booming voice said, "Stop! The are NO fish under the ice."
She again glanced all around before looking heavenward and asking, "Is that YOU, God?"
The voice answered, "No, this is Harry, the manager of this ice rink, and there are NO fish under the ice!"
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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, Va.
In 1838, Samuel; Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph, in Morristown, N.J.
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of "Four Freedoms": Freedom of speech and expression; the freedom of people to worship God in their own way; freedom from want; freedom from fear.
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Today--------------Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 86 and Actress Bonnie Franklin is 66.
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Larryj
We got to see Earl Scruggs perform at the Winfield Blugrass festival some years back. That was a great night with lots of great music.
Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.........
Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...
I went to Wal-Mart and saw they had Obama
Christmas ornaments...now ain't that a bitch?
I'm surprised the NAACP ain't screaming about hanging a black man from a tree again.
Go figure.
lol
Today's------------------once in a while you get a real lame one---
"I see you went crazy at the big winter clearance sales," Rosemary commented, as she looked at all the bags of merchandise her friend Carla just brought home from the malls.
"You got that right," Carla replied. "In fact, I almost bought the elevator on the top floor of Macy's," she confessed, "because it was marked down."
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In 1610, astronomer Galileo Galilei began observing three of Jupiter's moons, which he initially took to be stars; he spotted a fourth moon almost a week later.
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Today------Pop musician Paul Revere is 72, Singer Kenny Loggins is 62 and Actress Erin Gray is 60.
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Larryj
Today;s------------------------------seniors have much wisdom
Reporters and photographers were present on an assignment to interview and photograph a woman who was celebrating her 105th birthday.
During the interview, one reporter asked, "And what do you think is one of the best things about being 105?"
The woman looked at him with a smile and twinkle in her eyes as she confided, "Well, there is very little peer pressure."
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In 1935, rock 'n' roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Miss.
In 1959, Charles de Gaulle was inaugurated as president of France's Fifth Republic. In Cuba, Fidel Castro and his army arrived in Havana following the overthrow of Fulgencio Batista.
In 1987, for the first time, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 2,000, ending the day at 2,002.25.
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Today----Actor Comedian Larry Storch is 87, Singer Shirley Bassey is 73, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 72, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 68 and Rock legend-actor David Bowie is 63.
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Larryj
The Power of a Badge......
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
Jo, I love it, I can picture that.
Wooden Leg Insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to Georgia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year! When they arrived in Georgia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Georgia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio .. The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.... You just have to know how to describe it!' (Those Hillbillies know how "to git 'ER done", don't they?)
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love it, Jo, thanks for the posts.
Today's---------------------------kinda sounds familiar, but still funny.
Brian, an avid golfer, plays the game at every opportunity. He is truly a golf nut and recently spent two weeks at Pebble Beach. He met a woman there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you," Brian said, "that I am a total golf addict ....... I eat, sleep and breathe golf. I cannot exist without it. If that's going to be a problem,, you'd better say so now."
"Well," she replied, "as long as we're being honest with each other, I think you should know that I'm a hooker."
"Oh, my!" Brian gasped, lapsing into complete silence for a moment. "You know," he said somewhat confidentially, "it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
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In 1788, Connecticut became the fifth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1861, Mississippi seceded from the Union.
In 1945, during World War II, American forces began landing at Lingayen Gulf in the Philippines.
In 1960, on his 47th birthday, Vice President Richard M. Nixon became a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.
In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.
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Today-------------Author Judith Krantz is 82, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 76, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 75 and Folk Singer Joan Baez is 69.
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Larryj
Today's------------------would you believe they didn't put a joke in the paper today? Oh well, back to the archives-----
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you stupid cow."
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squawks, "And get me another whiskey, you airhead."
Quite upset, the poor woman comes back shaking with another whiskey, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you blithering twit!"
In the next moment, both he and the parrot are yanked up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunge downward, the parrot turns to the man and yells, "Ya' know, for someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."
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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."
In 1861, Florida seceded from the Union.
In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.
In 1910, Hallmark Cards had its origins as its founder, Joyce Clyde Hallo, arrived in Kansas city, MO., to begin selling postcards wholesale.
In 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.
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Today-----Rock singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 75, Baseball Hall of Famer Willie McCovey is 72, Singer Frank Sinatra Jr., is 66, Singer Rod Stewart is 65 and former boxer George Foreman is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------and remember, I don't write 'em so don't gang up on me, ladies!
Mary approached Peter looking somewhat bewildered. Peter asked, "Is something bothering you, Mary?"
Mary replied, "Well, kind of. I was talking with John and he said I was pretty. Later I ran into Andy and he said I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?"
"Actually," Peter said, "I think you are a little of both."
"What do you mean?" Mary asked.
"I think you're pretty ugly."
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In 1805 the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.
In 1861, Alabama seceded from the Union.
In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument. (It became a national park in 1919.)
In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, CA, that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.
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Today---Producer Grant Tinker is 85, Producer David L. Wolper is 82, Actor Rod Taylor is 80 and Country Singer Naomi Judd is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------smart man-------
Although a bright and able man, Claire revealed that her husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore. One day, in desperation , Claire pointed out to him that their friend Yolanda had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to her, Frank would be able to care for himself.
Then Claire said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, her husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"
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In 1915, the U.S. House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.
In 1932, Hattie W. Carraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, after serving out the remainder of the term of her late husband, Thaddeus.
In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records ) in Detroit.
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Today-------Actress Luise Rainer is 100, Singer Glenn Yardborough is 80, Former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier is 66 and Actor Anthony Anderson is 62.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------It never rains in Southern California? So, what is all that wet stuff on my driveway?
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as some have rightly
observed, there is no other word ---- no other language --- that can do it justice.
For example: A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 50 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her two quarters, but never take a pretzel.
This transaction went on for more than three years and the two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarters as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I want to thank you for your business. You are a very good customer. But, I have to tell you that the price for a pretzel has gone up to 75 cents.
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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the union. (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.)
In 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles, 10 days before his 43rd birthday.
In 2005, Major League Baseball adopted a tougher steroid-testing program that suspended first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly tested players year-round.
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Today-------------Country Singer Liz Anderson in 80, Comedian Rip Taylor is 76 and Actor Richard Moll is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------There's dumb blonde jokes and there are dumb lawyer jokes.
A small, uncertain and quite nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Uh, yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness stammered timidly.
The lawyer hissed angrily , "Well, of course you married a woman! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My, my sister did."
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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator," as he was officially known.
In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."
In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last concert together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.
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Today----------Actress Faye Dunaway is 69, Actor Carl Weathers is 62 and CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 91.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------Old, probably a repeat, but still funny--------------
The California Highway Patrol officer noticed a car creeping slowly on the freeway --- just 10 miles an hour, to be exact. He immediately flashed on his red lights and the vehicle pulled to the side of the road.
As he approached, he noticed that the car contained five people. The driver appeared normal, but the passengers sat rigidly ashen-faced with their elbows tightly to their sides and white-knuckled hands clutching their seats.
Turning his attention to the driver, the officer asked, "So, do you know how fast you were traveling?"
"Yes, sir," the man replied, "I always drive at the posted speed limit," pointing to a nearby sign.
"Sir, that's not the speed limit, that's the highway designation, in this case, the Interstate 10.
"Oh, you don't say." said the driver. As the officer handed back the man's license, he asked, "By the way, what's wrong with your companions?"
The man replied, "Well, in light of what you just told me, I think they'll be all right in a while......we just go off the 215."
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In 1559, England's Queen Elizabeth 1 was crowned in Westminster Abbey.
In 1929, civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was born in Atlanta.
In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22 year old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as "Black Dahlia", were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot; her slaying remains unsolved.
In 2009, US Airways Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger ditched his Airbus 320 in the Hudson River after a flock of birds disabled both the plane's engines; all 155 people aboard survived.
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Today--------------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 73 and Actress Andrea Marin is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------there is one born every minute-----------------------
A citified outdoorsman was out fishing on a lake. He noticed another man in a boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"This is my newfound way to catch fish," said the other man. "I just shine the mirror on the top of the water, the fish notice the dancing spot of sun on the surface and, being curious, they swim right up to the top to investigate. Then I just reach down with my net and pull them into the boat."
"Ya' gotta be kiddin'! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you sell me that mirror right now? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay, I can come back tomorrow."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said, rapidly rowing away.
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In 1920, Prohibition began in the United States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after its ratification. (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)
In 1942, Carole Lombard,33, her mother and about 20 other people died when their plane crashed near Las Vegas while returning from a war-bond promotion tour.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off under extremely tight security; on board was Israel's first astronaut, Ilan Ramon. (The mission ended in tragedy when the shuttle broke apart during its descent, killing all seven crew members.)
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Today-------------Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 76, Hall of Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 75, Singer Barbara Lynn is 68, Country Singer Ronnie Milsap is 67, Country Singer Jim Stafford is 66, Talk show host Dr Laura Schlessinger is 63 and Actress- dancer- choreographer Debbie Allen is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------it must be Sunday-----
At a church picnic, the pastor stacked a pile of apples on one end of the table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple, please --- God is watching."
On the other end of the table there was a pile of cookies, on which a youngster had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want --- God's watching the apples!"
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In 1950, the Great Brinks Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders. (Although the entire eleven-member gang was later caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)
In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California , killing at least 72 people.
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Today------------Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 82, Actor James Earl Jones is 79, Talk show host Maury Povich is 71, Former heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali is 68 and actress Betty White is 88.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------Rudy and I can attest to this as absolutely true.
John, a newspaper columnist and writer had worked for many, many years. Because of his dedication, he was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, John turned down his boss' kind offer. The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"
John said there were two reasons.
"Well, what are they?" the boss asked.
"The first," John said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."
"And the other reason?" asked the boss.
"The other reason," John replied, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."
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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the Hawaiian Islands, which he dubbed the "Sandwich Islands."
In 1911, the first landing of an aircraft on a ship took place as pilot Eugene B. Ely brought his Curtiss biplane in for a safe landing on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania in San Francisco Harbor.
In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, Mass., of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses. (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison in 19873.)
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Today------------Singer-Songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 69.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------What?
I was talking with my good friends, Benny and Elsie, from Lowell, Iowa, the other day. Somehow or other, the conversation turned to relationships and I asked Benny what he considered the success of he and Elsie's marriage.
"Well," I've learned that a woman's logic is uniquely unarguable."
"Wow, that's pretty profound," I said. "How did you reach that conclusion?"
"I can give you a perfect example. The other day, the wife and I were having a discussion and reached a point of contention. After several minutes of give and take there still was no resolution."
"Yes, go on," I said.
"It was at that point that Elsie solved the dilemma by saying; 'Sweetheart, I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.' And, Dan,, she was absolutely right."
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In 1809, author, poet and critic Edgar Allan Poe was born in Boston.
In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, N.J., in seven hour, 28 minutes and 25 seconds,
In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time with the permission of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
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Today------Actress Jean Stapleton is 87, Actress Tippi Hedren is 80, Singer Phil Everly is 71, Actress Shelley Fabares is 66, Country Singer Dolly Parton is 64 and TV chef Paula Dean is 63.
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Larryj
Albert DeSalvo died in a zip code? Sorry, the devil made me do it. ;D
Hah!! Just wanted to see if you were paying attention!!!!!!!!!!!!
OR MAYBE IT WAS A TYPO.
We don't get a lot of rain, averaging only 15 inches a year, but it appears we are getting it all at once in the last two days. We even had a tornado, unheard of in this area, or at least very rare. That probably addled me enough to actually make a typo. AND, there is more to come in the next few days. The news of the damage of this storm is enough to have the local TV channels to run constant coverage and override their regular programming. Beach cities are flooding, mountain areas where the fires burned last fall are evacuating because of the possibility of mudslides, and the local ski runs are jumping for joy.
Larryj
Today's------------It pays to have a good assistant------
A father told his son, Drew, "While your mother and I are gone, I want you and your brother to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room and mow the yard.
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turned to Timmy and asked, "And what have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "I, --- I was helping Drew."
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In 1841, the island of Hong Kong was ceded by China to Great Britain. (It returned to Chinese control in July 1997.)
In 1887, the U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.
In 1942, Nazi officials held the notorious Wannsee Conference, during which they arrived at their "final solution" that called for exterminating Jews.
In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.
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Today-----------Country singer Slim Whitman is 86, Actress Patricia Neal is 84, Comedian Arte Johnson is 81, Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 80 and Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 70.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------is your phone on speaker mode?
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really be bothersome after a while. My friend found a fairly easy fix for that, though. He had his wife call the offending party's desk when he wasn't there and leave this message:
"Hi, big boy, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty, naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
From that point on, the guy took his calls in private.
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In 1793, during the French Revolution, King Louis XVI, condemned for treason, was executed on the guillotine.
In 1915, the first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit.
In 1924, Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin died at age 53.
In 1968, the Battle of Khe Sanh began during the Vietnam War as North Vietnamese forces attacked a U.S. Marine base; the Americans were able to hold their position until the siege was over two and one-half months later.
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Today--------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 76, Opera Singer Placido Domingo is 69, Singer Richie Havens is 69, Singer Mac Davis is 68, Actress Jill Eichenberry is 63 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicholas is 70.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!1???????????
A famed explorer was invited to a senior center to tell of his adventures in the Peruvian jungle.
"Can you imagine," he began, "a people who love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? Furthermore, they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals.?"
When the audience looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I have been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."
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In 1498, during his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, explorer Christopher Columbus arrived at the present-day Caribbean Island of St. Vincent.
In 1901, Britain's Queen Victoria died at the age of 81.
In 1944, during World War II, Allied troops began landing at Anzio, Italy.
In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortion using a trimester approach. And, Former president Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64.
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Today-------Actress Piper Laurie is 78 and Actor John Hurt is 70.
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Larryj
Today's--------------makes sense to me-----------
A couple of guys in a pickup drove into a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
"Uh," the man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. Now, how long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "Aw, jeez, I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time------------We're gonna build a house."
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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
In 1849, English-born Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman in America to receive a Doctor of Medicine degree from the Medical Institution of Geneva, NY.
In 1950, the Israeli Knesset approved a resolution affirming Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.
In 2005, former "Tonight Show" host Johnny Carson died in Malibu at age 79.
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Today----------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 82, Actress Chita Rivera is 77, Actor Gil Gerard is 67, Actor Rutger Hauer is 66 and Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------another smart kid
Kristen was preparing waffles for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first waffle.
Kristen saw this as a perfect opportunity for a moral lesson, saying, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first waffle. I can wait for the next one.'"
The message was clear to Kevin. He turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of 1849.
In 1965, Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.
In 1985, the space shuttle Discovery was launched from Cape Canaveral on the first secret, all military shuttle mission.
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Today-----Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 71, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 69, Singer Aaron Neville is 69 and Actor Ernest Borgnine is 93.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------posted before?
How to achieve celibacy------------------
It's imperative to understand that celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.
For instance: While attending a Marriage Seminar, John and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is absolutely essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can any of you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
John leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered confidently, "It's Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And, thus, began John's life of celibacy.
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In 1890, reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) of the New York World completed a round-the-world journey in 72 days, 6 hours and 11 minutes.
In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.
In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.
In 1959, American Airlines began jet flights between New York and Los Angeles on the Boeing 707.
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Today--------Actor Dean Jones is 79, Country singer Claude Gray is 78, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 65 and Blues Singer Etta James is 72.
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Larryj
Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris , Tennessee .
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
--
Today's-------------Well, it is
The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Yes it is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.''
The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "It sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who it was. The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?" He said, "Well, it's odd, actually. A woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."
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In 1837. Michigan became the 26th state.
In 1950, India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra Prasad took the oath of office as president.
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Today------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 87, Actress Joan Leslie is 85, Sportscaster-Actor Bob Uecker is 75, Actor Scott Glenn is 71 and Activist Angela Davis is 66.
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(note: for all you "All My Children" fans, Actor James Mitchell who played Palmer Cortland passed away in Los Angeles last Friday,.)
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Larryj
Today's-----------------see my quote---------
Harold was concluding a speech at his lodge meeting. He had gotten a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I spoke so long ......... I left my watch at home."
A weary voice from the back of the room retorted, "There's a calendar behind you."
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In 1756, composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in Salzburg, Austria.
In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.
In 1951, an era of atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat.
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Today-----------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 80, Actor James Cromwell is 70, and Ballet Star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 62
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Larryj
Today's-------------------be careful what and how you ask for something---
Leland's best friend died, so he called a nearby flower shop to order a wreath of flowers to be featured at the wake.
"Please put an extra-wide ribbon on it,"Leland told the clerk, "and print 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and, if there's room, 'We Shall Meet In Heaven.'"
The clerk assured him that his order will be fulfilled and the wreath promptly delivered to the funeral home.
Sure enough, the wreath arrived and was set up next to the casket. But the mourners were stunned when they observed the display.
On the extra-wide ribbon was the inscription, "Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there's room, we shall meet in Heaven."
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In 1547, England's King Henry VIII died; he was succeeded by his 9-year-old son, Edward VI.
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.
In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven of its crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.
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Today-----------Actor Alan Alda is 74, Actress Susan Howard is 68 and Actress-singer Barbi Benton is 60.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Tee Hee------hold on to your coffee cups!
Jack and Jill already had several children, including two rambunctious twins, and the husband was thrilled when the Doctor announced they were going to have twins again.
He asked his wife to start thinking of names. "Well," she said, "let's see now ------ we already have Adolph and Rudolph ----- how about---------------------------------------Getoff and Stayoff."
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In 1845, Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.
In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.
In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown. N.Y.
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Today-------------------Actor John Forsythe is 92, Actor Noel Harrison is 76, Actress Katharine Ross is 70, Actor Tom Selleck is 65 and Actress Ann Jillian is 60.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------Sounds familiar?
An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh, oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "Is there a problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm detecting a fairly profound heart murmur ... Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man, "I quit decades ago."
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No," replied the man, "only a glass of wine now and then."
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Uh, well, yes, I do."
"Unfortunately," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you're going to have to cut your sex life in half."
Looking perplexed, the elderly fellow asked, "Which half ---- the looking or the thinking?"
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In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.
In 1960, the American Football League awarded a franchise to Oakland, CA..
In 1964, the United States launched Ranger 6, an unmanned spacecraft carrying television cameras that crash landed on the moon, but failed to send back images.
In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.
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Today---------------Actress Dorothy Malone is 85, Actor Gene Hackman is 80, Actress Tammy Grimes is 76, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 73, Country Singer Jeanne Pruett is 73, Country Singer Norma Jean is 72 and Former VP Dick Cheney is 69.
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Larryj
Today's-------again-------------be careful what you ask for.
Mary Lou had invited some people to the family home for Sunday dinner.
After everyone had arrived and were seated at the table, Mary Lou turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked, "Lareve, would you please say the blessing for us?"
"Oh, mommy, I don't know what to say," she lamented.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," Mary Lou suggested.
Lareve then bowed her head and solemnly said, "Good Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?! Amen."
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In 1945, Pvt. Eddie Slovik, 24, became the first U.S. soldier since the Civil War to be executed for desertion as he was shot by an American firing squad in France.
In 1971, astronauts Alan Shepard Jr., Edgar Mitchell and Stuart Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon.
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Today----------Former Interior Secretary Stewart Udall is 90, Actress Carol Channing is 89, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 79, Actor Stuart Margolin is 70, Actress Jessica Walter is 69 and Baseball hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 63.
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Larryj
I have GOT to stop trying to read without my glasses. I thought the little girl's name was Larvae!
Adam Cartwright, dead at 81 Jan. 24th.... They are all dead now... Ben, Hoss, Little Joe, now Adam. Wonder who's going to run the ranch now that the men have gone to there greater reward.
Pernell Roberts of 'Bonanza' and 'Trapper John, MD' dies 81
Pernell Elvin Roberts (May 18, 1928 – January 24, 2010) was an American television actor and singer. He was best known for his roles as Ben Cartwright's eldest son, Adam Cartwright, on the western series Bonanza (a role he played from 1959 to 1965), and as chief surgeon, Dr. John MacIntyre, the title character on Trapper John, M.D. (1979-1986).
Born: Pernell Elvin Roberts Waycross, Georgia, U.S.
Died: Malibu, California, U.S.
He came to prominence playing Ben Cartwright's urbane eldest son, Adam, in the Western television series Bonanza. Despite the show's success, he left after the sixth season in 1965 due to disagreements with the writers and a desire to return to legitimate theatre.
He was known for his activism, which included participation in the Selma to Montgomery marches in 1965, and pressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters.
Roberts died of cancer at his home in Malibu, California on January 24, 2010, aged 81
Quotepressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters.
At one time, American audiences would not go to see a movie with minority actors in major roles.
In Birth of a Nation, the black speaking parts were played with white actors in blackface. Non speaking parts were real blacks.
The Charlie Chan character, which appeared in almost fifty movies was played by a white player after the first one cast with a Chinese actor could not draw an audience.
Even Pearl Bucks The Good Earth featured whites in the major Chinese roles.
The biggest miscast of all has to be John Wayne as Genghis Khan and Susan Hayward as his oriental love interest.
There was a fellow, though, that saw through all this and drew movie goers despite featuring minority actors. He even had a Chinese cowgirl as his costar in one. That man was William Boyd better known as Hopalong Cassidy.
Today's--------------------------We should all play golf, right, Warph?
An 80-year-old Italian gentleman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asked, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer." said the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up, down and around the fairways. I then have a glass of vino, and all is well."
'Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it than that. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old." says the elderly Italian golfer. "In fact, he golfs with me regularly, and then we go to the topless beach to pick up some girls and then have a little vino and that's why he's still alive. So you see he's Italian and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Nono's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "are you telling me you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Incredible, how old is he?
"He's 119 years old," said the old Italian golfer.
The doctor was somewhat frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?"
"No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 119-year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
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In 1943, one of America's most highly decorated military units of World War II, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team, made up almost exclusively of Japanese-Americans, was authorized,
In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a whites-only Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, N.C., which refused to serve them; similar protests sprang up across the South.
In 1968, during the Vietnam War, South Vietnam's police chief (Nguyen Ngoc Loan) executed a Viet Cong officer with a pistol shot to the head. Richard M. Nixon announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during reentry, killing all seven of it's crew members.
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Today--------Actor Stuart Whitman is 82, Actor Garrett Morris is 73, Actor Sherman Hemsley is 72 and TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 69.
Also------Frank Buckles, America's last surviving World War I veteran, is 109.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------danged Alzheimer's!
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and came home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked.
"Not yet," she said, "I'll make some coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, no, not yet," she said.
After another 10 minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"
"No, no, not quite yet," she replied.
Growing somewhat impatient, I asked, "Well, when CAN I see the baby?"
"When he cries!" she told me.
"WHEN HE CRIES!" I said, completely befuddled, "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"Because I forgot where I put him, OK?"
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In 1653, New Amsterdam _ now New York City _ was incorporated.
In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.
In 1870, the "Cardiff Giant," supposedly the petrified remains of a human discovered in Cardiff, N.Y., was revealed to be nothing more than carved gypsum.
In 2005, German heavyweight boxer Max Schmeling died at age 99.
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Today-------------------Actress Elaine Stritch is 85, Actor Robert Mandan is 78, Comedian Tom Smothers is 73, Rock Singer Graham Nash is 68, Actor Bo Hopkins is 68, Country Singer Howard Bellamy is 64 and actor Brent Spiner is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------I sympathize with this guy; I have to type this while standing on my head and my eyes shut.
I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of a broom handle everywhere except on the green, where he used an old umbrella for putting.
On the 19th, I told him how impressed I was. "I guess it's because I'm a genius," he replied casually. "I find everything so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Billiards for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew with one hand tied behind my back. I never lose. I have to make it difficult, or I would get bored."
"And, target shooting with high-powered rifles," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it with one hand, my left hand even though I am right-handed. I sight with my right eye and stand on one leg while the rest of my competitors lie prone to hold the weapon stable.
"Even then, I win every time. Nothings any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."
I was impressed. "Got any kids?" I inquired.
"Well," he replied, "my wife's pregnant, and before you ask.................................................
standing in a hammock at the top of two tall pine trees."
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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for federal income tax, was ratified.
In 1943, during World War II, the U.S transport ship Dorchester, which was carrying troops to Greenland, sank after being hit by a German torpedo; of the more than 900 men aboard, only some 230 survived. Four Army chaplains gave their life belts to four other men, and went down with the ship.
In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
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Today-------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 84, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 70, Actress Blythe Danner is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 65, Singer Melanie is 63 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------Groaners, do not take a drink of coffee while reading this.
Vincent the veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off.
He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, long-nosed round-shaped dog with long orange-tinted hair.
For a while, the dog was very, very happy and playful. But then he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.
Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little-------------------------melon collie.
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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began a wartime conference at Yalta.
In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
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Today------------Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 66, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 63, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 62 and Actor Michael Beck is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------another smart kid!
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The final question was "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." This question, the students were told, was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student in particular started off with no difficultly whatsoever by noting:
1. It is the perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the correct temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. He could think of nothing, Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he scribbled.............
7. It comes in two really nifty containers,
He got an A.
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In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed a Judiciary Reorganization Bill that would have increased the number of Supreme Court justices; critics accused Roosevelt of attempting to "pack" the court. (The measure failed in Congress.)
In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.
In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that all but a small rear-guard contingent of its troops had left Afghanistan.
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Today----------------Country Singer Claude King is 87, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 76, Actor David Selby is 69, Singer-songwriter Barrett Strong is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 68, Race Car Driver Darrell Waltrip is 63, Actor Christopher Guest is 62 and Actress Barbara Hershey is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------is short and sweet
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends, when the subject of marriage counseling comes up.
"Oh, we'll never need that!!!" the wife gushes, "My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife continued, "he was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts ..... he communicates real well and I act like I'm listening!"
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In 1812, Charles Dickens was born in Portsmouth, England.
In 1904, a fire began in Baltimore that raged about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings.
In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year.
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Today------------Author Gay Talese is 78.
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Larryj
Today's------------------a Sunday joke in Monday's paper?
During the announcement portion at Sunday services, the minister noted that a longtime member of the church, Charlotte Burkel, was 111 years old and asked the congregation to applaud this milestone.
The announcement was followed by absolute silence and solemn stares directed toward the young minister. Looking back over his notes, he cleared his throat and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry, but I have misread my notes. Will you please keep Charlotte Burkel in your prayers because she is ill."
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In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.
In 1924, the first execution by gas in the United States took place at the Nevada State Prison in Carson City as Gee Jon, a Chinese immigrant convicted of murder, was put to death.
In 1960, work began on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, located at Hollywood and Vine in Los Angeles.
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Today--------Composer-Conductor John Williams is 78, Former ABC News anchor Ted Koppel is 70, Actor Nick Nolte is 69. Comedian Robert Klein is 68 and Actress Brooke Adams is 61.
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Larryj
Today-------------------------experience is a good lesson------------
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping, in general, would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing as a "bachelor," he crowed, "I made a cake and frosted it; washed the kitchen windows; cleaned all the cupboards; scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls, and ceiling; and even took a nice, long shower."
I was surprised and just about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl ..............so I had to do all that other stuff."
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In 1942, daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned forward one hour.
In 1960, Adolph Coors Co. chairman Adolph Coors III, 44, was shot to death during a botched kidnapping attempt while on his way to the family brewery in Golden, CO. (Coors' body wasn't found for seven months; the man who killed him, Joseph Corbett Jr. served 19 years in prison. Corbett committed suicide in Aug. 2009.)
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Today----------Actress Kathryn Grayson is 88. Television journalist Roger Mudd is 82, Actress Jane Suzman is 71, Singer-Songwriter Carol King is 68, Actor Joe Pesci is 67, Singer Barbara Lewis is 67, Singer Joe Ely is 63, Actress Judith Light is 61 and Actress Mia Farrow is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------sarcasm is funny
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine an elderly gentleman known through-out the hospital to be a quick-witted, sarcastic and no-nonsense-to-the-point type of fellow.
After the exam, the doctor, in his best professional voice, said smoothly, "Hmmmm, definite improvement, definite improvement. You're coughing much more easily this morning."
"I should, "snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."
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In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.
In 1968, U.S. figure-skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.
In 1989, Ron Brown was elected chairman of the DNC, becoming the first African American to head a major U.S. political party.
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Today--------Opera Singer Leontyne Price is 83, Actor Robert Wagner is 80, Singer Roberta Flack is 73 and Olympic gold medalist Mark Spitz is 60.
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Larryj
Is this true, Guys?
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.
Good one, Judy, I hadn't thought of that, but then I don't remember any girls I dated that had a leather dress and the fact that she smelled like a truck would be the last thing on my mind on a date.
Today's-------------Gotta get this in before the server goes down---
A little boy named Ezra wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he really gave the teacher a surprise by walking up to her desk, tapping her on the shoulder and warning, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
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In 1858, a French girl, Bernadette Soubirous, reported the first of 18 visions of a lady dressed in white in a grotto near Lourdes. (The Catholic Church later accepted that the visions were of the Virgin Mary.)
In 1990, South African black activist, Nelson Mandela, was freed after 27 years of captivity.
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Today-----Actor Leslie Nielsen is 84, Actor Conrad Janis is 82, Actress Tina Louise is 76, Actor Burt Reynolds is 74 and Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 69.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat.
A dietician stood solemnly before the large audience in a senior center. As the crowd quieted, he began. "The material we put into our stomachs," he confided, "is potent enough to have killed most of us years ago."
"Red meat is unhealthful, carbonated drinks erode the lining of the stomach, some foods have MSG and other material in it which makes it dangerous to eat. Cookies, candy, and fat-laden foods can be disastrous on the arteries, liver, eyes and nervous system. And none of us really realizes just how many miscellaneous chemicals can be found in that which we eat."
"But," he exclaimed forcefully with his arm raised and index finger pointed heavenward, "one thing is the most dangerous of all!
Can anyone venture a guess what it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
An 82-year-old chap stood up and suggested, "Wedding cake?"
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In 1554, Lady Jane Grey, who'd claimed the throne of England for nine days, and her husband, Guildford Dudley, were beheaded after being condemned for high treason.
In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.
In 1909, the NAAP was founded.
In 2000, Charles M. Shultz, creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip, died in Santa Rosa at age 77.
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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Joe Garagiola is 84, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 76, Actor Joe Don Baker is 74, Author Judy Blume is 72, Country Singer Moe Bandy is 66, Actress Maude Adams is 65, Actor Michael Ironside is 60 and Rock musician Ray Manzarek (The Doors) is 71.
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Larryj
Today's--------Just for the groaners.
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's Day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived at his office in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at a local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent -- well beyond his expectations.
He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, he presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she said to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
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In 1920, the League of Nations recognized the perpetual neutrality of Switzerland.
In 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J., found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (Hauptmann was later executed.)
In 1945, during World War II, Allied planes began fire-bombing the German city of Dresden.
In 1980, the 13th Winter Olympics opened in Lake Placid, N.Y.
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Today------Former Test Pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 87, Actress Kim Novak is 77, Actor George Segal is 76, Actress Carol Lynley is 68, Actress Stockard Channing is 66, Talk Show Host Jerry Springer is 66 and Actor Bo Svenson is 66.
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Larryj
Today's-------WOW! Groaners two days in a row.
A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face.
Using only gestures, he explained to the doctor that someone in the crowd was apparently unhappy with his act and attacked him with pepper spray, which seemingly reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns.
The doctor shook his head and proclaimed, "A mime is a terrible thing to mace."
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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; it's first president was Maud Wood Park.
In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.
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Today------TV personality Hugh Downs is 89, Country Singer Razzie Bailey is 71, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 66, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 62 and Actress-Singer Florence Henderson is 76.
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Larryj
Today's------------maybe should have put this on the "birds" thread
Every evening, a bird watcher named Maurice stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in communication between species, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said with a slight chuckle.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."
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In 1820, American suffragist Susan B. Anthony was born in Adams, MA.
In 1879, President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court.
In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.
In 1944, Allied bombers destroyed the monastery atop Monte Cassino in Italy.
In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan, after more than nine years of military intervention.
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Today------Actor Kevin McCarthy is 96, Actor Allan Arbus is 92. Actress Claire Bloom is 79 and Songwriter Brian Holland is 69.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------something is getting through to her students
An English teacher at the local university spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work
She wasn't sure how much of an impact she was having until one overly busy day when she was sitting at her desk, rubbing her temples.
A student approached her and asked, "What's the matter, Dr. Conrad?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again:
"What was the matter?..........What has been the matter?.........What might have been the matter?......"
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In 1923, the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen's recently unearthed tomb was unsealed in Egypt by English archaeologist Howard Carter.
In 1959, Fidel Castro became premier of Cuba, a month and a-half after the overthrow of Fulgencia Batista.
In 1968, the nation's first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.
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Today------Singer Patty Andrews is 92, Kim Jong II, the president of North Korea is 68 and Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 67.
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Larryj
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the
club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
Today's--------ya can't tell the players without a scorecard---
A new teacher's aide at an elementary school is really eager to help. One day during recess she notices a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids are enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.
The aide approaches and asks if she is all right. The girl says she is, but a little while later the aide sees the girl in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, the aide asks, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitates and looks at the woman suspiciously, then says, "OK."
Feeling she is making progress, the aide asks, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl says with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."
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In 1801, the U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, electing Jefferson president; Burr became vice president.
In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers,, convened its first meeting in Washington.
In 1919, Chiricahua (chi-rih-KAH-wuh) Apache leader Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, "One Who Yawns) died at Fort Sill, OK. at age 79.
In 1947, the Voice of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.
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Today-------Bandleader Orrin Tucker is 99, Actor Hal Holbrook is 85, Singer Bobby Lewis is 77, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 74 and Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 71.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------poor guy
A couple goes to a play, looks around and finds their seats with some guy sprawled across them.
"Hey, buddy," the man says, "please get up so we can sit down."
The guy squints and groans, "Uhhhhhh...."
"Come on, get up," the man says again. Again the response is the same: "Uhhhhh...."
"OK," the man says, "I'm getting the manager."
The manager arrives and tells the guy to get off the seats, but only gets the same response. With that the manger tells the guy in the seats he is calling the police.
The cop comes in and says to the guy, "Hey, bud, get outta the seats."
"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.
The cop says: "That's it! Get outta those seats right now!"
"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.
"Enough," the cop declares. "What's your name?"
"Monty," the guy moans
"That's better.........where are you from, Monty?" the cop asks.
"Uhhhhh.....the balcony."
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In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time. (it had been published in Canada and England the previous December.)
In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 and those convictions were later reversed.
In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died from injuries suffered in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.
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Today-------Former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown is 88, Actor George Kennedy is 85, Singer Yoko Ono is 77 and Actress Cybill Shepherd is 60.
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Larryj
I think this one has been around before but I couldn't resist posting it again. Who thinks of such things?
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings..'
The bear, very angry now, says,
'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer..
The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'
(You're gonna love me for this...)
The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate.'
Frank, that is really bad. ;D :laugh:
I know Dale, Myrna thought so to, the Devil made me do it.
Today's--------------------------so what's the problem?
My buddy and I decided to meet and have dinner. We selected the fish dish for two. The waiter brought a nicely prepared platter with two fish, one slightly larger than the other. My friend pushed the plate toward me and urged, "Please help yourself."
I said, "OK," and helped myself to a fish, which happened to be the larger of the two.
After a tense silence, my friend admonished me by saying, "Really now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish."
Unrepentant, I looked at him and replied, "Well, what are you complaining about --- you have it, don't you?"
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In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the military to relocate and intern U.S. residents, including native-born Americans of Japanese ancestry. Japanese warplanes raided the Australian city of Darwin; at least 243 people were killed.
In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.
In 2008, an ailing Fidel Castro resigned the Cuban presidency after nearly a half-century in power; his brother Raul was later named to succeed him.
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Today--------Singer Smokey Robinson is 70, Singer Lou Christie is 67 and Actor Michael Nader is 65.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------I sense alzheimer's----
A group of Army buddies arranged to meet regularly every 10 years to catch up. For the 10-year reunion, they met at a bar called McGinty's Pub because the waitresses wore short skirts and low cut blouses.
For the 20-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because it had good beer on tap.
For the 30-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because diet meals were featured on the menu.
For the 40-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because there was handicap access.
For the 50-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because they had never been there before.
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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.
In 1944, during World War II, U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers in a seres of attacks that became know as "Big Week."
In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard the Mercury spacecraft Friendship 7.
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Today------Fashion Designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 86, Actor Sidney Poitier is 83, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 76, Jazz-soul singer Nancy Wilson is 73, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 73, Singer-songwriter Buffy Saint-Marie is 69 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 68.
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Larryj
Today's--------------sounds like great advertising
Just before Valentine's Day, I went into the Post Office and saw a young, finely dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The man then took out a perfume bottle and began spraying a very sensuous scent all over them. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what he was doing.
The guy says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed 'guess who?'"
"Are you actually involved with that many women?" I asked.
"No," said the frenzied mailer. "I don't know any of them."
"Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" I inquired.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
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In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
In 1916, the World War I Battle of Verdun began in France as German forces attacked; the French were able to prevail after 10 months of fighting.
In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.
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Today----Actress Rue McClanahan is 76, Actor Gary Lockwood is 73, Actress Tyne Daly is 64 and Actor Anthony Daniels is 64.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------might be a repeat, at least, I have heard it and it is still funny.
With Spring soon approaching, it seems appropriate at this time to mention the following:
Due to the frequency of human and bear encounters, the Wildlife Department is advising hikers, campers, hunters and any others who use the wilderness and back-country areas in a recreational or work-related manner, to take precautions while in the field.
Outdoorsmen/women are urged to wear small, noisy bells on their clothing so as to give warning and not startle/surprise any bears that may be close by.
It is also strongly advised for those using the out-of-doors to carry an ample supply of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with a bear.
Outdoorsmen/women should also be on the lookout for bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear scat (feces) and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear scat is full of squirrel fur and miscellaneous berries, while that of the grizzly bear has little bells and smells like pepper.
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In 109, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.
In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" occurred in Lake Placid, NY, as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets 4-3. (The U.S. team went on to win the gold medal.)
In 1984, 12-year-old David Vetter, who'd spent most of his life in a plastic bubble because he had no immunity to disease died 15 days after being removed from the bubble for a bone-marrow transplant.
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Today--------Announcer Don Pardo is 92, Actress Julie Walters is 62, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 60 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sparky Anderson is 76.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------maybe some rose-colored ones?
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband the previous week.
"How can I help you, madam?" the clerk asked.
"I'm here to return these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1870, Mississippi was readmitted to the Union.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi, where they raised the American flag twice. (The second flag-raising was captured in the iconic photograph taken by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press.)
In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk Vaccine began in Pittsburgh.
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Today---------Actor Peter Fonda is 70, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 67, Author John Sandford is 66 and Country-Rock musician Rusty Young is 64.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------why not fruit of the loom?
My sister, Bonnie, was very busy getting her house clean. She'd finally gotten to the basement and, after quite a few trips up and down, she heard the telephone ring upstairs.
Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end, "Hello, is this Bonnie --------?"
"Yes, it is."
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."
Without hesitation she told him ............
"Hanes," and hung up.
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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull, or edict, outlining his calendar reforms. (The Gregorian Calendar is the calendar in general use today.)
In 1821, Mexican rebels proclaimed the "Plan de Iguala" their declaration of independence from Spain.
In 1868, the House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton; Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.
In 1980, the U.S. hockey team defeated Finland, 4-2, to clinch the gold medal in the Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, N.Y.
____________________________________________________
Today---------Actor Stephen Hill is 88, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 78, Actor James Farentino is 72, Actor Edward James Olmos is 63 and Actor Abe Vigoda is 89.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Geez.... I thought Actor Abe Vigoda was 89 thirty years ago.... are you sure he's not doing a "Weekend At Bernie's" type sequel to make us think he's still alive?
Today's----------------------aren't we all----
Little Leonard walks up to his Aunt and says, "Holy smokes, Aunt Edna, why are you so doggone ugly?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Leonard into the kitchen and through clenched teeth, demanded "How could you say that to your Aunt? .......asking why she is so doggone ugly! For Heaven's sake!"
"Because she is," said Little Leonard. His mother said, "That's immaterial. You get back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it .....you tell her you're sorry!"
Little Leonard goes into the living room, walks over to his aunt and says, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so doggone ugly."
___________________________________________________
In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.
In 1964, Cassius Clay (later Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.
In 1986, President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines after 20 years of rule in the wake of a tainted election; Corazon Aquino assumed the presidency.
In 1991, during the Persian Gulf War, 28 Americans were killed when an Iraqi Scud missile hit a U.S. barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.
_________________________________________________
Today------Actor Tom Courtenay is 73, Actress Diane Baker is 72 and Actress Karen Grassle is 66.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------another one from "the mouths of babes"
My friend Renee and her 3-year-old daughter, Cicely, went shopping with Renee's mother, Anita.
A rather large woman, Anita sometimes had a tough time finding just the right fit. When Anita picked out a yellow suit, Cicely went into the dressing room with her.
A moment later, Anita asked her how she liked the outfit. Cicely replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty ....... just like a big, yellow school bus."
The suit was quickly put back on the rack and the shopping "spree" ended.
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In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signed a measure establishing Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.
In 1987, the Tower Commission, which probed the Iran-Contra affair, issued its report, which rebuked President Ronald Reagan for failing to control his national security staff.
In 1993, a bomb built by Islamic extremists exploded in the parking garage of New York's World Trade Center, killing six people and injuring more than 1,000 others.
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Today-----------Singer Mitch Ryder is 65 and (would you believe?) Singer Fats Domino is 82.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------Something I get to look forward to----
SOME ADVANTAGES TO TURNING 75
Your assorted joints can forecast weather changes
There's not much left to learn the hard way
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.
In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your eyes and hearing won't get much worse.
You can sing along with elevator music.
People no longer consider you a hypochondriac.
You actually enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Getting a speeding ticket isn't much of a worry.
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In 1801, the District of Columbia was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress.
In 1922, the Supreme Court , in Leser v. Garnett, unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment to the Constitution which guaranteed the right of women to vote.
In 1933, Germany's parliament building, the Reichstag, was gutted by fire. Chancellor Adolf Hitler, blaming the Communists, used the fire as justification for suspending civil liberties.
In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.
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Today-------Actress Joanne Woodward is 80, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 76, Actress Barbara Babcock is 73, Actor Howard Hesseman is 70 and Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 78.
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Larryj
Today's-------------paper failed to put the joke in today, so back to the archives------------
A young fellow had discovered his wife was having an affair. His buddy consoled him and said, "Hey, pal, take it easy---it's not the end of the world."
The young fellow said, "That's easy for you to say. What would you do if you discovered someone in bed with your wife?"
His buddy said, "Why, I would break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the butt!"
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In 1960, a day after defeating the Soviets at the Winter Games in Squaw Valley, Calif., the United States won its first Olympic hockey gold medal by defeating Czechoslovakia's team, 9-4.
In 1849, the California gold rush began in earnest as regular steamship service started bringing gold-seekers to San Francisco.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai issued the Shanghai Communique at the conclusion of Nixon's historic visit to China.
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Today ---------- (lots of them, probably why they didn't put the joke in)---Actor Charles Durning is 87, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 79, Actor Don Francks is 78, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 71, Hall-of-Fame Auto racer Mario Andretti is 70, Singer Joe South is 70, Actor Frank Bonner is 70, Actress Kelly Bishop is 66, and Actress Bernadette Peters is 62.
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Larryj
Today's---------------don't even go there!
I'm sure you've seen the tantalizing visual and olfactory features at many supermarkets now.
In the produce aisle there is a device that helps keep the produce really fresh. Every so often, a flash of light and misters will activate to spray water on the produce as well as give off the scent of fresh, falling rain. Refreshing, eh?
Moving over to the dairy section, when one passes by, there is the sounds of contented (I assume they are contented) cows mooing , and one is offered the scent of fresh mown hay. Hey, how about that?
Passing the meat department there is the delicious aroma of hickory and charcoal-grilled steaks with onions. I'm salivating just thinking about it.
When one approaches the egg case, one hears the robust hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the wonderful aroma of sizzling bacon and eggs frying. Yummy!
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and warm sugar cookies. Hmmmm, goody!
I haven't been down the toilet paper aisle yet.
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In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.
In 1867, Nebraska became the 37th state.
In 1940, the novel "Native Son" by Richard Wright was first published by Harper and Brothers.
In 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps.
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Today-----Actor Robert Clary is 84, Singer Harry Belafonte is 83, Actor Robert Conrad is 75, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 66, Actor Dirk Benedict is 65 and Actor Alan Thicke is 63
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Larryj
Today's-------------------I think this one might be older than I am-------------
A boy asked his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation and frustration. His father, Maurice, picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "May I speak to Maurice, please?"
"No, I'm sorry, there's no one here named Maurice," says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
Maurice picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Maurice a second time. "No, there's no one here named Maurice. Don't call this number again!" the person says. His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what could be frustration?" asks his son.
His father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Howdy, this is Maurice, have there been any calls for me?"
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In 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the winner of the 1876 presidential election over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though Tilden had won the popular vote.
In 1899, Mount Rainier National Park in Washington state was established.
In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act..
In 1943, the World War II Battle of the Bismarck Sea began; U.S. and Australian warplanes were able to inflict heavy damage on a Japanese convoy.
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Today----------Actor John Cullum s 80, Author Tom Wolfe is 80, Actress Barbara Luna is 71, Actor Jon Finch is 69, Author John Irving is 68 and Singer Lou Reed is 68.
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Larryj
Today's----------------there's a way to get whatever you want, I guess-------
The waitress approaches and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Nicholson and their little son, Jackson. She says, "Jackson, what would you like?"
He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
She says, "Jackson, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."
He says, "You have a grill, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "You have cheese, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "You have bread, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "Well, then, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." Jackson is only four years old!
After getting the cook's okay, the waitress returns and says, "Jackson, I forgot to ask you what you want to drink." He says, "I'll have a chocolate milkshake."
She says, "Jackson, I know your parents have already told you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But, we don't have the syrup!"
Jackson looks at her and says, "You have a car, don't you?"
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In 1845, Florida became the 27th state.
In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.
In 1918, Germany, Austria-Hungary, Bulgaria, the Ottoman Empire and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, which ended Russian participation in World War I. (The treaty was rendered moot by the November 1918 armistice.)
In 1940, Artie Shaw and his orchestra recorded "Frenesi" for RCA Victor.
In 1945, the Allies fully secured the Philippine capital of Manila from Japanese forces during World War II.
In 1960, actress-comedian Lucille Ball filed for divorce from her husband, Desi Arnaz, a day after they'd finished filming the last episode of "The Luci-Desi Comedy Hour." ("Lucy meets the mustache") on Arnaz's 43rd birthday.
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Today------Socialite Lee Radziwill is 77 and Singer Jennifer Warnes is 63
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Larryj
Today's-------------------"yeah, right!!!!"
Sherrie was having problems with her sliding closet door ---- it would jump off track and jam every time a bus passed by. So she called a repairman. He arrived and said, "OK, I'm gonna see what is going on ............. just close the door behind me" and he stepped into the closet.
At that time, Sherrie's husband arrived home from work, slid open the closet door and found the repairman standing there.
"Just what the heck are you doing here?" the husband hissed.
The repairman, nerves somewhat rattled, said, "Well, you're probably not gonna believe this, but I'm waiting for a bus."
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In 1791, Vermont became the 14th state.
In 1858, Sen. James Henry Hammond of South Carolina declared "Cotton is king" in a speech to the U.S. Senate.
In 1930, Coolidge Dam in Arizona was dedicated by its namesake, former President Calvin Coolidge.
In 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt took office as America's 32nd president.
In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.
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Today-----------------Singer Bobby Womack is 66 and Actress Paula Prentiss is 72.
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Larryj
that got a snickle............................???!!!! ::)
Today's------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNER
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"Wow! What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh...........................Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" asks the boy laughing.
The girl says, "That's French toast."
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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who'd been taunted by a crowd of colonists opened fire, killing five people.
In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson, who was later acquitted.
In 1933, in German parliamentary elections, the Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote; the Nazis joined with a conservative nationalist party to gain a slender majority in the Reichstag.
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Today----------Actor James Noble is 88, Actor James B. Sikking is 76, Actor Dean Stockwell is 74, Actor Fred Williamson is 72, Actor Michael Warren is 64, Actor Eddie Hodges is 63 and Actor Eddy Grant is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------good one
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a Preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said, "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk." The congregation said in unison, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church is going to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!"
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts as one.
The Preacher reaches a crescendo, "If this church is going to fly, it will cost MONEY!"
The congregation replied as one--------"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
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In 1857, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott vs. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.
In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full-scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.
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Today-------------Former FBI and CIA director William Webster is 86, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 84, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 70, Actor Ben Murphy is 68, Singer Mary Wilson (the Supremes) is 66, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 63 and Singer Kiki Dee is 63.
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Larryj
Today's----------------the paper didn't include a joke today------back to the archives.
(this is entitled "No So Stupid")
A businessman was getting a haircut and talking to the barber. They see a rather goofy-looking fellow skipping down the street. The barber says, "That's Tommy. He is really stupid. Watch this."
The barber calls the kid into the shop and shows him a rusty dime and a shiny new quarter. He tells the kid that he can have one of the coins, his choice. After looking at the coins for a while, Tommy chooses the rusty dime and says, "Thanks, Mr. Williams!"
Later, the businessman sees Tommy on the street and asks him, "Why did you take the rusty old dime instead of the shiny new quarter?"
Tommy says, "If I took the quarter, the game would be over."
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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.
In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place, between New York and London.
In 145, during World War II, U.S. forces crossed the Rhine River at Remagen, Germany, using the damaged but still usable Ludendorff Bridge.
In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show," nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.
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Today------TV personality Willard Scott is 76, Auto Racer Janet Guthrie is 72, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 70, Actor John Heard is 64 and Comedian Alan Sues is 84.
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Larryj
Today's------------------sounds like Warph
A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore with nothing but a handbag. The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.
Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
The man explains that he did, indeed, smoke before becoming stranded. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.
A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
The man explains that he did, indeed, drink before becoming stranded. So, the woman produces a flask of whiskey from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.
Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for years without a woman?"
"That's right," says the man.
The woman continues, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"
"Omigosh, lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag, too?!"
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In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan; within a month, he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.
In 1874, the 13th president of the United States, Millard Fillmore, died in Buffalo, N.Y., at age 74.
In 1931, the 27th president of the United States, William Howard Taft, died in Washington, D.C., at age 72.
In 1944, two days after an initial strike, U.S. heavy bombers resumed raiding Berlin during World War II.
In 1965, the United States landed it first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.
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Today----------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 74, Actress Lynn Redgrave is 67, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 64, Pop singer (little) Peggy March is 62 and Actor Director Micky Dolenz is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------one for the ladies-------------------
Three guys were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! He suddenly had big arms and strong legs and was able to swim across the river in about 2 1/2 hours, having almost drowned three times.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! The man was given strong arms, strong legs and a rowboat, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing twice.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! the man was turned into a woman so she checked her map, walked a hundred feet upstream and walked across the bridge to the other side of the raging river.
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In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, N.M., killing 18 people.
In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-Communism campaign on "See It Now."
In 1959, Mattel's Barbie doll, created by Ruth Handler, made its public debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.
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Today-----Singer-actress Keely Smith is 78, Singer Lloyd Price is 77, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 76, Actor-Comedian Marty Ingels is 74, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 74, Actress Trish Van Devere is 69 and Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 67.
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Larryj
Today--------------------danged city folk
A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the Mountain areas of Arkansas, Kentucky and Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she called out.
"Yep," came a youngster's voice from within.
"Is you father there?" asked the social worker.
"Nope, Pa left afore Ma came in," the kid says.
"Oh, well, is your mother there?" the social worker asked.
"Maw? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the lad.
"My, my" said the social worker, "aren't you ever together as a family?"
"Well, sure, but not here," said the boy emphatically, "this here's the outhouse!"
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In 1848, the Senate ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War.
In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.
In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tenn., to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.
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Today-------------Talk Show host Ralph Emery is 77, Actor Chuck Norris is 70, Singer Dean Torrence (Jan and Dean) is 70 and Actress Katharine Houghton is 65.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------DUH!
When Shauna arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference early in the morning, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling Shauna that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the notebook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," Shauna replied defensively. "I wonder where she could have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure Shauna that her daughter, overall, was still doing fine in school and was very sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow .......in the afternoon."
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In 1930, former President and Chief Justice William Howard Taft was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
In 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia. (MacArthur, who subsequently vowed, "I shall return," kept that promise more than 2 1/2 years later.)
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Today-----Actor Terrence Alexander is 87, Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 79, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 76, Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia is 74 and Actress Tricia O'Neil is 65.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------sounds logical to me------
One payday, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following payday, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.
"How is it," the supervisor inquired, "that you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"
Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but certainly not two in a row!"
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In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1912, Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, Georgia, founded the Girl Guides, which later became the Girl Scouts of America.
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Today-----------Actress Barbara Feldon is 77, Singer Al Jarreau is 70, Singer James Taylor is 62 and Actress-singer Liza Minelli is 64.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------probably should have put this in the politics section-----
A candid moment inside the White House second floor.
"Wow, what a day!"
"Phew, yeah---what a day!"
"I'm exhausted. Would you get the light, Barack?"
"Why, yes, yes I can! I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness!"
"It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and the white and the yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor!"
"It is the light on whose rays the promise of hope -- opportunity -- and achievement -- all soar to a distant, brighter future!"
"But it will take all of us, working together in a spirit of shared sacrifice and commitment, to make that light a beacon of progress."
"And I say to you tonight: This is our moment! This is our bedtime! This........"
"Oh for heaven's sake, never mind --- I'll do it myself........"
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In 1969, the Apollo 89 astronauts slashed down, ending a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module.
In 1980, Ford Motor Chairman Henry Ford II announced he was stepping down, the same day a jury in Winamac, IN., found Ford Motor Co. innocent of reckless homicide in the fiery deaths of three young women in a Ford Pinto.
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Today---------Country Singer Jan Howard is 80, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 77, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 71 and Actor William H. Macy is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------it's Sunday-----------
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want all of you, please, to read Mark, Chapter 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands as to how many of the congregants had read Mark, Chapter 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Well, now, that's very interesting in that the book of Mark has only 16 Chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.
In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.
In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to fie an income tax report.
In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today------Former Astronaut Frank Borman is 82, Actor Michael Caine is 77, Actor Raymond Barry is 71, Actor Steve Kanaly is 64,
Comedian Billy Crystal is 62 and Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 77.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------probably should gone to the archives--------
It's no secret the the Toyota automobile company has encountered some difficulties with it's product.
In addition to the attempt to solve the problem the company has instigated a television ad campaign with testimonials from satisfied customers.
At the conclusion of the advertisement is the Toyota emblem with the slogan, "Moving Forward!" ............ maybe it's just me, but that's what seems to be the problem. Perhaps a better rendition would be, "Moving Forward, under driver's CONTROL!"
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In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.
In 1956, the musical play, "My Fair Lady," based on Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion," opened on Broadway.
In 1964, Actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage and his second.
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Today------------------Actor Judd Hirsch is 75, Singer Mike Love (the Beach Boys) is 69, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 67 and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 77.
(Note: Actor Peter Graves (Mission Impossible fame) passed away yesterday of a heart attack, age 83.)
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Larryj
Today's-----------Thinking of you, Teresa,---uh----I mean, about guns------not that you are old or anything like that---I mean-----uh--
An elderly lady had finished her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags, reached into her purse, and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Now, get out of the car and scram!"
The four boys didn't hesitate. They got out and ran like crazy around the corner out of range.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat and got behind the wheel. However, she couldn't get the key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then, looking around she noticed a football, Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer beside her. Then it dawned on her.
She got out of the car and found her own car parked five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the her car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The desk sergeant listened to her story and then turned to the four shaking pale men at the counter who were reporting a car jacking by a crazed, elderly woman described as less than five feet tall, wearing glasses, curly white hair, and possessing a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.
In 1984, William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by terrorists. (He was tortured by his captors and killed in 1985.)
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Today----Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 84, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 69 and Actor Erik Estrada is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------same scale my wife uses------
The small-town Irish doctor was infamous in the area for always catching VERY large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips, he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.
He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.
The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.
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In A.D. 461, (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.
In 1966, a U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb that has fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain.
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Today----------Singer-songwriter John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful) is 66, Rock musician Harold Brown is 64 and Actor Patrick Duffy is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Sometimes there are those people who aren't thinking too well.
Sitting in the front row during a game being played by my alma mater's basketball team, I saw one of the players take a very hard hit under the basket. He tumbled to the floor and didn't move. The coaches and trainers grabbed their first-aid gear and rushed out onto the court.
The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
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In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill. (Hawaii became a state on Aug. 21, 1959.)
In 1974, most of the Arab oil producing nations ended their embargo against the United States.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today----------Country Singer Charlie Pride is 72, Actor Kevin Dobson is 67 and Actor Brad Dourif is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------uh, ouch?
My neighbor and his wife just bought a fairly expensive new twin-engined boat, thanks in part to his wife going back to work.
The christened the craft "Innuendo." After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning from what I considered an unusual name, I asked him how he came up with the moniker. He answered, "My wife now works for a proctologist."
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In 1918, Congress approved daylight saving time.
In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.
___________________________________________
Today-------------------Actress Renee Taylor is 77, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 77, Actress Ursula Andress is 74, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 73 and Actress Glenn Close is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------Or, maybe, get a room-----------
My friend and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two teenagers a few people ahead of us, passionately hugging and kissing with a grope here and there. The didn't even come up for air when the line moved.
As we waited, their displays of passionate affection became more and more explicitly embarrassing for everyone within sight.
Finally, a park employee approached them and said, "Hey, hey, you two, knock it off. This is a place to bring families, not have them."
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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.
In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono on the island of Gibraltar.
___________________________________________________
Today-----Producer-Director-comedian Carl Reiner is 88. Actor Hal Linden is 79, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 62 and Actor William Hurt is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------just being politically correct-------
A middle-school teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.
She demanded to know what they were doing. One boy turned to face her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "We are shooting craps and looking at pictures of naked women."
"Oh thank goodness," the teacher sighed, "for a moment I thought you were praying."
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In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.
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Today---------Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 71, Singer Solomon Burke is 70, Actor Timothy Dalton is 64 and Singer Eddie Money is 61.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------another one that probably should go in the Politics section------
It's a slow day in a little town in the Southland. The sun is shining, but the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is passing through. He stops at a motel and lays a $100 bill on the counter saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs -- he may wish to choose one in which to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "friendship" on credit.
The lady rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner. The motel proprietor then places the $100 on the counter so the rich traveler won't suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS IS HOW OUR GOVERNMENT IS CONDUCTING BUSINESS TODAY!!!!!!!!!
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In 1765, Britain enacted the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies. (The act was repealed the following year.)
In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed a measure outlawing polygamy.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson named General William C. Westmoreland to be the Army's new Chief of Staff.
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Today-----TV evangelist Pat Robertson is 80, Actor William Shatner is 79, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 75, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 67, Writer James Patterson is 63, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 62 and Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 62.
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Larryj
Today's------------nothing like feeling young, I guess, but not this way
Two 80-year-old men are driving down the road when they heard a commercial expounding on the virtues of dried plums (prunes) or the juice thereof ending with the statement: "They make you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to get a couple packages and bottles of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two guys visit a market and buy some plums and prune juice. They both take two swigs and six prunes each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well, John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," John replies.
So they pull over and take a couple of more big swigs and six more prunes each and continue to drive down the road.
A while later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I do believe I've done a childish thing!"
_________________________________________________________
In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"
In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.
In 1965, America's first two-person space flight began as Gemini 3 blasted off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts Virgil L. Grissom and John W. Young aboard for a nearly 5-hour flight.
_________________________________________________________
Today-------Comedian Marty Allen is 88, Roger Bannister, who broke the 4 minute mile in 1954, is 81, and Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 73.
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------This is not our Teresa---
Teresa, a systems technician, confessed that her heart sank as she read the spam that began, "By opening this e-mail, you have activated the Amish computer virus."
Then she realized that not only was her computer in jeopardy, so was her reputation as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus is dependent on the honor system. Please delete all your files. Thank you."
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In 1958, rock-and-roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, TN.
In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.
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Today--------------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 71 and Actor R. Lee Ermey is 66.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------Marines don't have paratroopers, do they?
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, Rick took part in several night-time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.
The rookie was quiet and looked a bit pale, so Rick struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" Rick asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
Rick then asked, "What's the difference?"
The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
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In 1960, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit, in New York, ruled that the D.H. Lawrence novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mails.
Ray Charles recorded "Georgia on My Mind" as part of his "The Genius Hits the Road" album in New York.
In 1965, The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, AL., to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.
_________________________________________________________
Today--------Modeling Agency founder Eileen Ford is 88, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 84, Former astronaut James Lovell is 82, Feminist-activist and author Gloria Steinem is 76, Singer Anita Bryant is 70, Actor Paul Michael Glasser is 67, Singer Elton John is 63, Actress Bonnie Bodelia is 62 and (respectively) Singer Aretha Franklin is 68.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------it's a groaner day
The new police chief told his officers to "clean up the neighborhood" so it was really easy when a drunk man staggered toward an officer on his beat and slurred, "Hey, mishter offisher, what time ish it?"
The officer replied, "It's one o'clock," and bopped the inebriate on the head once with his baton before hauling him to the clink.
"Sheesh," the drunk said, rubbing the fast-forming knot on his head. "I'm shore glad I dint ashk ya that'n hour ago!"
____________________________________________________________
In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.
In 1885, the Eastman Dry Plate Co. of Rochester, NY, began manufacturing the first commercial photographic film on paper rolls.
In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C. for the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial.
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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is 80, Actor-Director Leonard Nimoy is 79, Actor Alan Arkin is 76, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is 70, Actor James Caan is 70, Author Erica Jong is 68, Journalist Bob Woodward is 67, Singer Diana Ross is 66, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 61 and Comedian Martin Short is 60.
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Larryj
Today's----OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!! Hey, Warph, watch who you are playing with--------
A fellow was ready to tee off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes, belittling his companion for his lack of skill.
As they're walking off of the 18th hole, and while counting his $80, the second guy laughs and confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on stupid suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest, to which the second fellow becomes flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money.
The priest says, "No, no. You beat me. I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
"Well, is there something I can do to make it up to you?" the pro says.
The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father, I'll marry them for you."
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In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.
In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.
In 1884, the first telephone line between Boston and New York was inaugurated.
In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.
_______________________________________________________
Today-----------Actor Julian Glover is 75, Actor Jerry Lacy is 74 and Actor Michael York is 68.
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Larryj
Today's--------It's Sunday------
Christie, a Sunday school teacher, was teaching her young students about Noah and his ark.
She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for 40 days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Perhaps, he did a lot of fishing, what do you think about that?"
Little Leroy looked at her with a slight frown and said, "I don't think so. It would be kinda hard to do with only two worms for bait."
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In 1941, novelist and critic Virginia Woolf drowned herself in Lewes, England.
In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington, D.C. at age 78.
In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.
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Today-------Country musician Charlie McCoy is 69, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 67, Actor Ken Howard is 66 and Actress Dianne Weist is 62.
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Larryj
Today's----------------sounds kinda familiar-----------------
An old prospector shuffled into the town leading an old tired mule. The old man beaded straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
After tying his mule to the hitch rail, he began brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes. A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and sneered, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger on the boardwalk and said, "No, son, I never did dance, never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
Not wanting to get a toe or two blown off, the prospector started hopping around like a flea in a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached over to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels pointed directly at him.
The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, ........but I've always wanted to."
____________________________________________________________
In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in present-day Delaware.
In 1943, World War II rationing of meat, fats and cheese began.
In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.
___________________________________________________________
Today-----------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 83, Author Judith Guest is 74 and Comedian Eric Idle is 67.
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Larryj
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingie through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Ouch! Good one, Jo.
Today's------------------------Ya just never know who you are talking to.
After a week of snowboarding with his buddies, my friend, "Snowdogg," thought the perfect capper would be a group photo in the lodge. So he held out his camera to a man sitting nearby.
"Excuse me, would you mind?" he asked. The man seemed wary, but Snowdogg kept after him. "Look, it's really easy. Just look through here and push this button." He then went on to show the stranger how to frame the picture. After the fellow took the shot, the manager ambled over.
"Don't you think that was a little insulting?" he asked.
"Not at all," said Snowdogg. "He didn't seem to know much about taking pictures."
"Oh, really?" said the manager. "That was Steven Spielberg."
_________________________________________________
In 1822, Florida became a United States territory.
In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal roundly ridiculed as "Seward's Folly."
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriusly injured outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr.
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Today---------Game show host Peter Marshall is 84, Actor Richard Dysart is 81, Actor John Astin is 80, Actor-Director Warren Beatty is 73 and Rck musician Eric Clapton is 65.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------just doing what she said-------
Rachel's husband is wonderful with their baby daughter, but often he turns to rachel for advice.
Recently, Rachel was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Daphne for lunch?"
"That's up to you, dear," Rachel replied, "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"
A few minutes later, Rachel's cell phone rang. She hastily reached for a towel and grabbed the phone off the sink. "Hello," she said abruptly.
"Yeah, hi honey, it's me -- uh, what should I feed Daphne for lunch?"
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In 1968, at the conclusion of a nationally broadcast address on Vietnam, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned his audience by declaring, "I shall not seek, and I will not accept. the nomination of my party for another term as your president."
In 1995, Miexican-American singer Selena Quintanila-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
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Today------------------Actor William Daniels is 83, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 82, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 76, Actress Shirley Jones is 76, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 76, Musician Herb Alpert is 75, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 65, Actress Rhea Pearlman is 62 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 60.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------I don't write 'em---
After telling my first and only rather bad joke one April Fool's day, I got in a fight with a really big guy.
With his teeth clenched tight, the big ol' brute said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face!"
I said, "Izzat so! Well, you are going to be very, very sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, Well, it's really not very absorbent, and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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In 1960, the first true weather satellite, TIRO5-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. (TIROS stood for "Television Infrared Observation Satellite.)
In 1984, recording star Marvin Gave was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gay Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday. (The elder Gay pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter, and received probation.)
__________________________________________________
Today----------Actress Jane Powell is 82, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 80, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 78, Country Singer Jim Ed Brown is 76, Actor Don Hastings is 76 and Actress Ali MacGraw is 72.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------Another oldie but goodie-----------
A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled across a magic lamp. He picked it up and did what anyone would do when finding a magic lamp ----- he rubbed it.
Sure enough, out popped a genie, but not a full-fledged genie, because he only had one wish to grant.
The man loved Hawaii, but was deathly afraid of flying and became extremely seasick which eliminated boat travel. So, the man wished for a bridge from here to there.
The genie was flabbergasted. He pointed out what a massive task it would be and very materialistic, to say the least. The genie suggested that the man think about it a little longer and perhaps come up with something else that would satisfy him.
The man thought and thought, then said, "Well, genie, I'd like to meet a hard-working, honest politician!"
The genie stepped back and replied, "Do you want two, or four lanes on that bridge?"
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In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John F. Condon went to a cemetery in The Bronx, NY, where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son. (The child, who was not returned, was found dead the following June.)
In 1980, President Jimmie Carter signed into law a windfall profits tax on the oil industry. (The tax was repealed in 1988.)
_____________________________________________
Today------------Actress Rita Gam is 82, Actress Sharon Acker is 75, Actress Linda Hunt is 65, Singer Emmylou Harris is 63 and Actress Pamela Reed is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------no wonder I could never get a date---------
PICKUP LINES THAT DIDN'T PASS MUSTER-------------
He: Can I buy you a drink? She: Actually, I'd rather have the money.
He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
He: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? She: Must've been once, if ever. I never make the same mistake twice.
He: How did you get to be so good-looking? She: I must have been given all your share.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday? She: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.
He: Your face must turn a few heads. She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO, and Sacramento, CA. (The delivery system lasted only 18 months, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.)
In 1865, Union forces occupied the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA.
In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO, by Robert Ford, a member of the James gang.
In 1990, jazz singer Sarah Vaughan died in Los Angeles at age 66.
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Today------------------Actress-singer Doris Day is 87, Actor William Gaunt is 73, Actor Eric Braeden is 69, Actress Marsha Mason is 68, Singer Wayne Newton is 68 and Singer Tony Orlando is 66.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------gotta do this quickly before church---------Happy Easter, Everyone!
Carmen's husband was bending over to tie their three-year-old's shoes. That;s when she noticed her son, Ben, staring at her husband's head.
Ben gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head..............does it hurt?"
After a pause, Carmen heard her husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."
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In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.
In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., 39, was shot to death at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn. (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming his innocence before dying in prison in 1998.)
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger roared into orbit on its maiden voyage.
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Today--------------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 89, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 71, Author Kitty Kelley is 68, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 66 and Actress Christine Lahti is 60.
____________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------"just rockin' and a-rollin', down in Californ-i-a, surfin' USA"-----Beachboys or, "Shake, shake, shake, shake your booty"---K.C. and the Sunshine Band.
Ol' Doc Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house.
Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle nodded, went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, the doc came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" A somewhat bewildered Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.
The last request was the turning point for Mr. Tuttle. He demanded, "What in the world are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied ol' Doc Carver, "I can't get my dag-blasted instrument bag open."
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In 1614, Pocahontas, daughter of the leader of the Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia. (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)
In 1792, George Washington cast the first veto, rejecting a congressional measure for apportioning representatives among the states.
In 1976,reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.
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Today-----------Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 79. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 73, Country Singer Tommy Cash is 70, Actor Michael Moriarty is 69, Actor Max Gail is 67, Actress Jane Asher is 64 and Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 60.
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Larryj
One question Larry, how did George Washington vote in 1732 seeing how he was born February 22, 1732 ?
Sorry, my typo----I was too lazy to go find my glasses and it was early and I was still on the first cup and it was raining so the dog was fighting me about going outside and I wasn't reading, just typing and earthquakes still bother me somewhat and --------------
Larryj
P.S. I will correct my error.
Larry, how much shaking did you get?
We were at our daughter's house for Easter and I was sitting at the dining table while others were in the kitchen or living room. My son-in-law and his parents were in the backyard discussing landscaping projects. I first felt it because I was the only one sitting down at that time. It was a rolling type quake as opposed to a jolt. The thing about quakes is that you might feel the rolling motion and you are waiting for the motion to get stronger or maybe a big jolt as happened in the Northridge quake some years ago. This one was just a rolling motion that lasted, as Bonnie says, about 10 to 15 seconds. We are not as close as she is, but this quake was only six miles deep making it felt over a larger area. Some say 10 to 15 seconds isn't that long, but when the ground or the house is moving when it shouldn't be, that amount of time seems to last forever. I mentioned those outside and when we hollered at them that we were having a quake, they didn't feel it. The media has and will continue to make this a bigger story than it really is, although it is serious enough for those living closer to the epicenter.
Larryj
Today's------------------------it depends on how you look at it, pun intended----------
A scruffy young man was questioned by one of San Bernardino's finest for peddling dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the sheriff's deputy said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Oh, don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
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In 1830, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized by Joseph Smith in Fayette, NY.
In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee as Confederate forces launched a surprise attack against Union troops, who beat back the Confederates the next day.
In 1896, the first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.
In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of war against Germany.
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Today----------Conductor-composer Andre Previn is 81, Country singer Merle Haggard is 73, Actor Roy Thinnes is 72 and Actor Billy Dee Williams is 73.
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Larryj
A Wife asks her Husband, How many Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only You, Darling. With all the Others, I was awake!
Hospital Visiting Hours are;
10am - 4pm.
-
I really liked that one, Jo.
Today's-----------------------Understandable
A man spent several hours enduring long lines, disinterested clerks and inane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles. On his way home, he stopped to pick up a gift for his son.
He selected a baseball bat. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," the man snapped, then apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I've just spent the entire morning at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Oh, I see," the clerk replied, and then asked, "Well, shall I gift wrap the bat, or.............are you going back to the DMV?"
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In 1860, Will Keith Kellogg, founder of cereal maker Kellogg Co., was born in Battle Creek, Michigan.
In 1927, the image and voice of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover were transmitted live from Washington to New York in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.
In 1969, the Supreme Court, in Stanley v. Georgia, unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material.
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Today-------------Country Singer Cal Smith is 78, Actor Wayne Rogers is 77, Country Singer Bobby Bare is 75, Movie Director Francis Ford Coppola is 71, TV personality David Frost is 71, Singer John Oates is 61 and Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 90.
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Larryj
We can relate to that one, can't we ???
Yes, we can.
Today's----------------------------GROANER, HUGE GROANER---------
"I want to be a tight-rope walker. What equipment do I need?" asked a prospective circus employee.
"Very flexible shoes, two towers, a wire, a pole and a bank book," responded the ringmaster matter-of-factly.
"I understand the shoes, towers, wire and pole, but what's the bank book for?" inquired the would-be walker.
"To check your balance, of course!"
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In 1913, the 17th Amendment to the Constitution providing for direct popular election of United States senators (as opposed to appointments by state legislatures), was ratified.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Relief Appropriations Act, which provided money for programs such as the Works Progress Administration.
In 1952, President Harry S. Truman seized the steel industry to avert a nationwide strike. (The U.S. Supreme Court later ruled that Truman had overstepped his authority.)
______________________________________________
Today-------------------Former First Lady Betty Ford is 92, Comedian Shecky Greene is 84, "Mouseketeer" Darlene Gillepsie is 69, Singer Peggy Lennon (the Lennon Sisters) is 69, Actor Stuart Pankin is 64 And Former House Republican Leader Tom Delay is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------one of those politicians from a previous joke
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had numerous extra-marital affairs and habitually used illicit drugs. I was appalled. But as the days passed, I learned that most people weren't like that, and I had --- indeed -- come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of well-worn apologies for being late and immediately began his speech.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived -- in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
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In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia.
In 1942, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March, which claimed thousands of lives.
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger ended its first mission with a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
______________________________________________
Today-------------Naturalist Jim Fowler is 78, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 77 and Actress Michael Learned is 71.
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Larryj
Today's----------gotta type fast, R.A.M.B.O. has an etiquette class this morning.
It was Shirley's birthday and here she was with a case of laryngitis.
Today also marked the day that her class was going on a field trip to the zoo. She didn't want to miss the trip, so she met with the rest of her classmates at the school parking lot in spite of having nearly lost her voice.
The highlight of the trip was the time the class spent in the petting zoo. While Shirley was petting a baby Shetland Pony, her teacher asked, "How are you feeling today?"
In a strained voice, Shirley responded, "Well, OK, but I'm feeling a little hoarse."
(GROAN)
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In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southhampton, England, on it's ill-fated maiden voyage.
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Today-----------Actor Harry Morgan is 95, Actor Max von Sydow is 81, Actress Liz Sheridan is 81, Sportscaster John Madden is 74 and Sportscaster Don Meredith is 72.
_____________________________________
Larryj
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business :
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside in the court yard shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little knot hole in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Next thing I know some one poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting
'14.....14....14...'
Today's---------------------yep, he's right
Little Johnny is not very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now then," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "k" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said, "Canoe?"
___________________________________________
In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon. (Although the spacecraft was crippled when an oxygen tank ruptured in mid-flight, the crew managed to return safely.)
In 1980, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations specifically prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors.
__________________________________________
Today----------Ethel Kennedy is 82, Actor Joel Gray is 78, Actress Louise Lasser is 71 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 69.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------Well------------okay, I guess
My neighbor's son, Craig, is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.
Apparently a good glass man is hard to find, so he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had more than 20 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" Craig asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces bombarded Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA., at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.
In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective. (Do you remember being vaccinated?)
In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.
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Today-----------Country Singer Ned Miller is 85, Actress Jane Withers is 84, Actor Charles Napier is 74, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 70, Singer David Cassidy is 60 and Actor Ed O'Neill is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------There is just no escape-----------
Carol and Steve get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, Steve finally decided he would no longer drive with her in the car.
Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring as he was merging onto a freeway. It was his wife calling. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him.
"Honey," she said over the speaker-phone, "your turn signal is still on..........and put on your lights; it's starting to rain."
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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO., to Sacramento in 10 days.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial.
In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst. The astronauts managed to return safely.
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Today-----------Actor Lyle Waggoner is 75, Actor Edward Fox is 73, Actor Paul Sorvino is 71, Actor Tony Dow is 65, Singer Al Green is 64, Actor William Sadler is 60 and Actor Ron Perlman is 60.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------Okay-------
Kerry, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation.
She was sure she'd have no problem finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.
Two weeks later, she was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally, Kerry received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.
It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the risotto recipe."
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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's theater in Washington. Lincoln died the next day at 7:22 a.m.
In 1902, James Cash Penny opened his first store, the Golden Rule, in Kemmerer, Wyoming.
In 1910, President William Howard Taft became the first U.S. chief executive to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game between the Washington Senators and the Philadelphia Athletics.
In 1912, the British line RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began sinking.
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Today---------------------Actress Julie Christie is 70, Former MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 69, Actor John Shea is 61 and Country Singer Loretta Lynn is 75.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------old, but still funny--------
Two elderly people were living in a retirement community -- he was a widower and she a widow, and they had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of "careful consideration" she answered, "Yes, yes, of course I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective abodes. The next morning, he was troubled. Did she say "yes" or did she say "no"? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that his memory wasn't as good as it once was. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes of course I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington. Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.
In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland, less than three hours after striking an iceberg: some 1500 people died.
In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day. The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.
In 1990, actress Greta Garbo died in New York at age 84.
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Today--------------------------Country Singer Roy Clark is 77 and Actor Michael Ansara (Tonto) is 88.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNEER!
Two women archaeologists are on assignment in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.
Says one: "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies: "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.
In 1960, shortly before midnight rock-and-roll performer Eddie Cochran, 21, was fatally injured in a taxi crash in Chippenham, Wiltshire, England: he died the next day.
In 2007, in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech before taking his own life.
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Today--------Pope Benedict XVI is 83, Singer Bobby Vinton is 75, Singer Gerry Rafferty is 63 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 63.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------one man's treasure, etc............
In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach.
My friends, neighbors and even my relatives, made a variety of snide remarks about the exquisite artifact. My feelings were crumpled and crushed.
At the mobile home park where I reside, management features an annual "patio sale." I decided to offer it for sale amongst other items for the discriminating buyer.
The conch light drew many curious stares and comments I'd rather not have heard, but I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check out my incandescent wonder and finally bought it.
"That will look fantastic in your home," I said encouragingly.
"Oh," she replied, "It's not for me. My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find. What I have here is the winner!"
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In 1961, some 1,500 CIA trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.
In 1964, the Ford Motor Company unveiled its new Mustang model at the New York World's Fair.
In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.
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Today----------------------Rock Promoter Don Kirshner is 76.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------it must be Sunday
A priest rushed from church one Sunday in order to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right and all was forgiven, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.''
"By the way, I've been playing this game for 40 years, and now I can finally tell me friends that I hit my first holy one!"
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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.
In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 to 6,000.
In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures on petitions demanding that women receive the right to vote.
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Today-----------Actress Barbara Hale is 89, Actor Clive Revill is 80, Actor James Drury is 76, Actor Robert Hooks is 73, Actress Hayley Mills is 64 and Actor James Woods is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------Hah! take that.
A theologian and an astronomer had been discussing the complexities of their fields.
The astronomer said that, after reading widely on that subject, as far as he was concerned all of religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said with a hint of smugness, feeling that his field was so much more complicated.
After a brief pause, the theologian replied that, after reading extensively in the realm of astronomy, he had reached the conclusion that it, too, could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Oh, pray tell, what is that?" the astronomer asked huffily.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are."
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In 1775, the American Revolutionary War began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.
In 1910, after weeks of being viewed through telescopes, Halley's Comet was reported visible to the naked eye in Curacao.
In 1951, General Douglas MacArthur, relieved of his command by President Harry S. Truman, bid farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad: "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."
In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people. (Timothy McVeigh was later convicted of federal murder charges and executed.)
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Today--------------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 85, Actress Elinor Donahue is 73 and Actor Tim Curry is 64.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------------whoops---------
Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager to determine the winning candidate.
Upon completion of the exam, both men only missed one of the questions. The manger went to Robert and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give James the job."
Robert replied, "Why? We both correctly answered nine questions. I believe I should get this job, especially since I've grown up in this town and James just recently moved here."
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you guys missed."
"How could one incorrect answer be better than the other," Robert asked.
"Simple," the manger said, "James answered question 5 by stating 'I don't know,' and you put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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In 1940, RCA publicly demonstrated its new and powerful electron microscope.
In 1971, the Supreme Court, in Swann v. Charlotte-Mecklenburg Board of Education, unanimously upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in schools.
In 1980, Cuban President Fidel Castro invited any of his countrymen who wanted to leave their country to do so, sparking the massive Mariel Boatlift from Cuba to the Untied States.
In 1999, The Columbine High School massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Kiebold, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives.
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Today------------------Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 90, Actor Leslie Phillips is 86, Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kansas) is 74, Actor George Takei is 73, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 71, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 69, Actress Jessica Lange is 61 and Actress Veronica Cartwright is 61.
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Larryj
Ya gotta check 1980.There are people who would say its been that way ever since! ;) ;D
As I have often stated before on this forum, some of the subjects that come up prompt me to go running to the Internet to learn more or even just refresh my memory. Your comment, Diane, made me do just that. I had never really been aware of the status of Human Rights in Cuba. It is worth reading about. Thank you, Diane, for helping me learn more.
Today's---------------------This guy might be better off in Cuba tonight--------
Benny was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, there were those who thought his cheese had slipped off the cracker. But he wanted desperately to impress his wife on their anniversary, so he took her to a very fashionable restaurant to celebrate the occasion.
He intensely watched the other couples around them, following their leads. He observed the couple next to them. The man lifted a sugar cube from its container and offered it to his wife, saying, "Sugar, Sugar?"
Benny thought that was pretty doggoned innovative and continued to listen to others around the dining room.
At another table, Benny listened carefully as a man spooned some honey out of its bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, Honey?" Again, Benny was impressed with this bit of cleverness.
Feeling quite confident, Benny turned to the platter on the table , delicately sliced off a generous portion of meat, stared lovingly at his wife and said, "Ham, Pig?"
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In 1649, the Maryland Toleration Act, which provided for freedom of worship for all Christians, was passed by the Maryland assembly.
In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, ensuring Texas' independence.
In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, Conn., at age 74.
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Today---------------------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 84, Actress-comedienne Elaine May is 78, Actor Charles Grodin is 75 and Actress Patti Lupone is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------hee hee
Kenneth, who had recently quit smoking, was visiting a friend in the hospital. To help curb his urge to light up, he was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator.
A woman who was already aboard, said to him with a snarl, "Mister! There's no smoking in here."
"Madam," replied Kenneth, "I'm not smoking."
"That's a cigar in your mouth, is it not?" the woman snapped.
"Yes, yes it is," Kenneth admitted, "but I have Jockey shorts on too, and I'm not riding a horse!"
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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.
In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.
In 1970, millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day".
In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th President of the United States, died at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.
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Today------------Actor George Cole is 85, Actress Charlotte Rae is 84, Actress Estelle Harris is 78, Actor Jack Nicholson is 73, Singer Mel Carter is 67 and Singer Glen Campbell is 74.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------makes sense
Zachary was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field nearby. Zack called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.
The farmer looked at him, but didn't answer. So, after waiting momentarily, Zack started walking again. After he had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."
Confused, Zack turned back toward the farmer and asked, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Well," the farmer drawled, "I didn't know how fast you were gonna walk."
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In 1896, the Vitascope System for projecting movies onto a screen was publicly demonstrated in New York City.
In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs, in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. (The Braves won, 7-5.)
In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death for assassinating New York Sen. Robert F. Kennedy. (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.)
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Today--------------Actress--turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 82, Actor David Birney is 71, Actor Lee Majors is 71, Actress Blair Brown is 62 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------give the kid an "A"-------
A young boy was attending his first wedding. After the ceremony, his cousin asked him, "I wonder how many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the first lad responded without hesitation.
His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "Just how do you know that?"
"Well, it's actually quite simple," the boy said, "All you have to do is add things together, just like the minister said. FOUR better, FOUR worse, FOUR richer and FOUR poorer.
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In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran; a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.
In 1990, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope.
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Today-----Actress Shirley MacLaine is 76, Author Sue Grafton is 70, Actor-Singer Michael Parks is 70 and Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 68.
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Larryj
While I started this thread as a place to have a humorous start to the day, I would like to put this story here. I kinda sorta looked for a more appropriate place, but I will put it here.
In the past, I think there was some discussion about health care containing my reference to my personal health care provider, Kaiser Permanente. This article is in my paper today about Kaiser.
It is called: DOCTORS REACH OUT
Patients get free surgeries-------------by Maria Ines Zamudio-----staff writer.
BALDWIN PARK------(This is my hospital that I use)
Dr. Philip Mercado spends most Saturday mornings playing with his 5-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old twin
But not today.
The Kaiser Permanente surgeon will spend the morning performing hernia surgeries on uninsured San Gabriel Valley residents.
"I enjoy helping people plus there;s great need in our community," he said.
For the first time, Kaiser Permanente in Baldwin Park Medical Center has partnered with East Valley Community Health Center in West Covina to provide free, low-risk surgeries to 16 low-income patients.
Mercado, three other doctors, anesthesiologists and nurses are scheduled to participate in"Operation Baldwin Park Surgery Day."
Without help from Kaiser, 22-year-old personal trainer Ruben Alvarado of Covina would not have been able to afford surgery, he said.
"I'm so grateful," Alvarado said. "It could cost me thousands of dollars."
(Skipping some unnecessary details.)
Due to the large number of uninsured people in the Valley, a second day is planned in October.
With the recent passage of national health care reform, Mercado hopes people like Alvarado won't have to depend on charity for things like minor surgeries.
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Like I said, this is the health care plan I use and the hospital that I go to for Dr. visits, lab work, scans and one of their many pharmacies. I don't know Dr. Mercado personally.
Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------------------------Sunday
After Sunday School, a young mother asked her daughter what the morning lesson was about. The sweet little girl said, "We were told that we don't have to be scared because we're going to get a blanket."
The mother was bewildered, she had heard nothing about this in her days at Sunday School. Arriving home, she called the Sunday School teacher, and, after the usual exchange of pleasantries, the mother inquired about the lesson topic.
The teacher explained the misunderstanding. The lesson was to "be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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In 1507, German cartographer, Martin Waldseemueller named a huge land mass in the Western Hemisphere "America" in honor of Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
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Today------------Songwriter Jerry Lieber is 77, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 65, Actress Talia Shire is 64 and Actor Al Pacino is 70.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Whatever you call 'em----------
I was on my morning walk with my dog when I came upon my good friends and neighbors Phyllis and Stan. Both are avid gardeners and Stan had just planted some lovely plants along the front of his house.
The neighbor across the street, John, a retired minister, stopped as he was backing out of his driveway to comment on the foliage.
"Those sure are pretty flowers," he said pointing to some lavender and white-colored plants. "What are they?"
Stan said proudly, "Those are concubines."
"Concubines?!" John said. "Are you sure about that?"
"Well, ah...."
At that point, Phyllis stepped down off the porch and said, "Yes, those are very pretty COL-UM-BINES." Smiling broadly, she added, "One might say they are voluptuous in their beauty."
Stan looked at Phyllis, then John, then muttered, "Well, I was close, wasn't I?"
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In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated President Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Bowling Green, VA., and killed.
In 1980, following the unsuccessful attempt by the United States to rescue the U.S. Embassy hostages in Iran, the Tehran government announced the captives were being scattered to thwart any future rescue effort.
In 1986, the world's worst nuclear accident occurred at the Chernobyl plant in the Soviet Union.
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Today-----Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 72, Singer-musician Duane Eddy is 72, Singer Bobby Rydell is 68 and Actress-Comedienne Carol Burnette is 77.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------The guys name is Warph, not Jeff---
Jeff was on the phone with a golf buddy who had asked him if he could get away from the house to play a round or two, and Jeff dramatically stated, "I am the master of my house and can play golf whenever I want............hang on a minute while I find out if I want to."
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In 1965, broadcast journalist Edward R. Murrow died in Pawling, NY., two days after turning 57.
In 1973, acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.
In 1978, convicted Watergate defendant John D. Ehrlichman was released from an Arizona prison after serving 18 months.
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Today-----------Actress Anouk Aimee is 78, Announcer Casey Kasem is 78, Actress Judy Carne is 71 and Actor Jack Klugman is 88.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------some people's children-------
Guests were coming over for dinner and Marina was frantically trying to get the house ready. She was also driving her family crazy -- barking orders to pick up, clean up, help set the table and not mess up the living room.
While she was cleaning the kitchen, she realized she'd pushed them too far when she snapped at her 12-year-old daughter, Kristen. "Where's the broom?"
"I don't know, Mom," Kristen fired back. "Where'd you park it when you landed?"
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In 1789, the mutiny on HMS Bounty took place as the crew of the British ship set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific. (Bligh and most of the men with him managed to reach Timor in 47 days.)
In 1940, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra recorded "Pennsylvania 6-5000" for RCA Victor.
In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the army.
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Today-------------Actress-Singer Ann-Margret is 69, Actress Marcia Strassman is 62 and TV host Jay Leno is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------groan
Carole, trying to control what she thought was dry hair, treated her scalp with a healthy dose of olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed it several times.
That night, when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband, Homer, and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he replied after taking a couple of sniffs, "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"
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In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp; the same day, Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun and designated Adm. Karl Doenitz president.
In 1992, deadly rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
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Today-----------------Actress Celeste Holm is 93, Poet Rod McKuen is 77, Actor Keith Baxter is 77, Bluesman Otis Rush is 76, Country Singer Duane Allen (the Oak Ridge Boys) is 67 and Singer Tommy James is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------it's all in who you know--------
Bill and Jim's younger sister, Toni, had just completed basic training and was home on leave before her first tour in Afghanistan.
Since Bill was an Army National Guard pilot and Jim was his crew chief, and they had to make the flight anyway, they offered to take Toni to catch her transport overseas.
When they landed at the base, several of Toni's soldier friends came out to greet her. Toni ran ahead, while her brothers followed with her gear. As Toni approached her buddies, she was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.
Finally, she realized her friends weren't seeing her two brothers giving her a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in her own helicopter -- with the captain and master sergeant carrying her bags.
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In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.
In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.
In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.
In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon announced the U.S. was sending troops into Cambodia, an action that sparked widespread protest.
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Today-----------Actress Cloris Leachman is 84, Actor Gary Collins is 72, Actor Burt Young is 70, Singer Bobby Vee is 67, Actress Jill Clayburgh is 66, Actor Perry King is 62 and Singer Willie Nelson is 77.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------ouch---
While on a visit to a dude ranch, Leonard walked into the blacksmith's shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
But, the blacksmith had indeed noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," Leonard said through clenched teeth, "it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.
In 1931, New York's 102 story Empire State Building was dedicated.
In 1963, James W. Whittaker became the first American to conquer Mt. Everest as he and a Sherpa guide reached the summit.
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Today------Former Astronaut Scott Carpenter is 85, Country Singer Sonny James is 81, Singer Judy Collins is 71, Singer Rita Coolidge is 65 and Actor-Director Douglas Barr is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Sunday, Sunday--------
After the birth of his child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.
He greeted her with a big hug and a kiss, sat on the bed and held her hand, then gave her another big hug and kiss when he left.'
His wife's roommate commented, "Wow! Your pastor sure is friendlier than mine!"
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In 1890, the Oklahoma Territory was organized.
In 1908, the original version of "Take me out to the ballgame", with music by Albert Von Tilzer and lyrics by Jack Norworth, was copyrighted by Von Tilzer's York Music Company.
In 1970, jockey Diane Crump became the first woman to ride in the Kentucky Derby; she finished in 15th place aboard Fathom. (The winning horse was Dust Commander.)
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Today-------------------Actor Theodore Bikel is 86, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 74, Actress and political Activist Bianca Jagger is 65, Country Singer R. C. Bannon is 65, Singer Leslie Gore is 64, Actor David Suchet is 64 and Singer-Songwriter Larry Gatlin is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------another ouch-----------
One morning while shaving, Dave was cursing and swearing so loudly that it attracted the attention of Christie, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
"For heaven's sake, what's the matter?" she called out.
"My razor -- it won't cut...........it's just tearing my face!" he shouted back.
"Don't be silly, dear," she declared, "do you mean to tell me that your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut yesterday?"
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In 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated as a city.
In 1909, a wireless news dispatch was transmitted from the New York Times to the Chicago Tribune in the first such communication between the two cities.
In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.
In 1948, the Supreme Court, in Shelley v. Kraemer, ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.
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Today------Folk Singer Pet Seeger is 91, Singer Frankie Valli is 76, Sports Announcer Greg Gumbel is 64, Singer Mary Hopkin is 60 and Actress Ann B. Davis is 84.
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Larryj
Today's-------------sign her up
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and the pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker................"
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that," she said as she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
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In 1960, actress-comedienne Lucille Ball divorced her husband, Desi Arnaz, after 20 years of marriage.
In 1961, a group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C. for New Orleans to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.
In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire during an anti-war protest at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others. (Two of the students who died, Allison Krause and Jeffrey Miller, had been participating in the demonstration while the other two, Sandra Scheuer and William Schroeder, were passers-by en route to their next classes.)
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Today-------------Opera Singer Roberta Peters is 80, Actor Richard Jenkins is 63, Country Singer Stella Parton is 61 and Rock Musician (Surfin) Dick Dale is 73
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Yesterday-----------------sadly, Lynn Redgrave died at age 67.
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Larryj
Today's------------------groaner
Yesterday morning a friend and I went out for a late breakfast. I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast and lunch menus and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and a side order of eggs.
When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed some sort of faux pas.
"I don't know about that," said my friend, "but I cannot help but wonder which will come first."
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In 1862, Mexican forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeated French troops sent by Napoleon III in the Battle of Puebla.
In 1925, schoolteacher John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution. (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.)
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Today------------Actress Pat Carroll is 83, Actor Michael Murphy is 72, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 66, Actor Roger Rees is 66 and Actor Lance Henriksen is 70.
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Today's-------------------------you have to read these very closely
Here's a listing of some recently-published books and their author:
1) "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
2) "The Night the Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
3) "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
4) "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
5) "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
6) "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
7) "The Cliff Tragedy" by Eileen Dover and Paul Down
8) "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
9) "Things to Do At a Party" by Bob Frapples
10)"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breathe
11)"Scaling the Cliffs" by Hugo First
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In 1861, Arkansas seceded from the Union
In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, NJ., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.
In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.
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Today----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 79, Rock Singer Bob Seger is 65, Singer Jimmie Dale Gilmore is 65, Gospel Singer-comedienne Lulu Roman is 64, Actor Alan Dale is 63 and Actor Ben Masters is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------yeah, a groaner
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift and asked the cosmetics clerk her opinion. "How about some perfume?" he asked.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom shook his head. "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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In 1945, Germany signed an unconditional surrender at Allied headquarters in Rheims, France, ending its role in World War II.
In 1960, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announced that the pilot of an American U-2 plane shot down over Sverdlovsk had been captured alive along with proof the aircraft had been on a spying mission.
In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era." In Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon -- the Viet Cong celebrated the takeover.
In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Kentucky Derby, the first of his Triple Crow victories. (On this date in 2002, Seattle Slew died.)
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Today------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 71, Actress Robin Strasser is 65 and Rhythm-and-Blues Singer Thelma Houston is 64
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Larryj
Today's---------dude better start running
At a Renaissance festival, Marcella decided to visit a fortune teller of great renown. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"Madam, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Your longtime unfaithful husband will soon meet a violent and horrible death."
Visibly shaken, Marcella stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to compose herself.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked the question she had to know:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced in a radio address that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered in World War II, and that "the flags of freedom fly over Europe."
In 1970, antiwar protests took place across the United States and around the world; in New York, construction workers broke up a demonstration on Wall Street.
In 1973, militant American Indians who'd held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for ten weeks surrendered.
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Today-------Singer Toni Tennille is 70, Actor James Mitchum is 69. Country Singer Jack Blanchard is 68 and Comedian Don Rickles is 84.
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Larryj
Today's-----------It's Sunday
After services, my pastor called me over and said he had a dream in which I had passed away. Fortunately, I was heaven-bound.
However, to get to heaven I had to climb a ladder under construction and mark each new rung with a piece of chalk for each sin committed. In his dream he envisioned me routinely coming back down the ladder and finally asked what I was doing.
I looked at him sheepishly and admitted I was coming back down to get more chalk.
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In 1754, a cartoon in Benjamin Franklin's Pennsylvania Gazette showed a snake cut in pieces, with each part representing an American Colony. The caption read: "JOIN, or DIE!"
In 1994, South Africa's newly elected parliament chose Nelson Mandela to be the country's first black president.
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Today-------------CBS News correspondent Mike Wallace is 92, Actress Geraldine McEwan is 78, Actor-writer Alan Bennett is 76, Rock Musician Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 75, Actor Albert Finney is 74, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 74, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 73, Singer Tommy Roe is 68, Actress Candice Bergen is 64, Actor Anthony Higgins is 63 and Singer Billy Joel is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------signed out
Two severely hearing-impaired gentlemen were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, "boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and just would not stop!"
The other buddy signs, "when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."
"How do you do that?" inquires the other.
"It's easy! I turn off the light!"
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In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, NY.
In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.
In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI Director.
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Today------Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 80, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 77, TV-radio personality Garry Owens is 71, Singer Donovan is 64 and Singer Dave Mason is 64.
Sadly--------------Lena Horne passed away Sunday at age 92.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------one for the teachers, or, out of the mouths of babes----
As a teacher, my sister knows that kindergarten has always been a place to learn important lessons. So, one day when she was visiting the school where my friend is the principal, she went to discover that "place of wonder" -- kindergarten.
There, she noticed a little girl busily slapping paint on an easel. To an outsider, her creation seemed to be nothing more than a big red blob.
"Tell me about your painting," my sister said. The young artist stopped painting. She backed away from the easel and gave her work a careful look.
Then she heaved a heavy sigh and exclaimed, "It's a turkey." After what seemed to be an eternity, she added, "And tomorrow, I'm going to put the skin on it!"
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In 1502, Christopher Columbus left Cadiz, Spain, on his fourth and final trip to the Western Hemisphere.
In 1910, Glacier National Park in Montana was established.
In 1946, the first CARE package arrived in Europe, at Le Havre, France.
In 1960, in the wake of the U-2 incident, President Dwight D. Eisenhower defended intelligence-gathering activities as "distasteful" but necessary, saying, "no one wants another Pearl Harbor."
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Today--------Comedian Mort Sahl is 83 and Rock Singer Eric Burden (The Animals; War) is 69
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Larryj
Today's-------the ones with "dummy" on the top
Fran went to her daughter's house for a visit. While she was there, it began to rain quite heavily. Her daughter suggested that she spend the night and go home the next day.
Hearing that, Fran jumped up from her seat and rushed out the door. She returned a short time later, completely drenched, shivering and carrying a small shopping bag.
Her bewildered daughter asked, "Mom, where in the world did you go?"
"I went home to get my pajamas."
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In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.
In 1943, during World War II, Axis forces in North Africa surrendered,
In 1949, The Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.
In 1958, the United States and Canada signed an agreement to create the North American Air Defense Command (later the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD for short).
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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 85, Composer Burt Bacharach is 82, Actress Millie Perkins is 72, Actress Linda Dano is 67, Actress Lindsey Krause is 62, Singer-Musician Steve Winwood is 62 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------like father, like-----------uh----------like son, li------------
Frank, an emergency room technician, was on duty when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose.
The man was embarrassed, but Frank assured him this type of thing was something kids often did. He quickly removed the tire, and father and son were on their way.
Moments later, the father was back in the ER asking to speak in private with Frank. Mystified, Frank led him to an examining room.
"While we were on the way home," the dad began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering how on earth my son got that thing stuck up his nose.............."
It took just a few minutes to remove the tire from dad's nose.
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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)
In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps, featuring a picture of a Curtiss JN-4 biplane, were issued to the public. (On a few of the stamps, the biplane was inadvertently printed upside-down, making them collector's items.)
In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon and his wife, Pat, were spat upon and their limousine battered by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas, Venezuela.
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Today----------------Actor Buck Taylor is 72, Actor Harvey Keitel is 71, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 61 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------no spellchecker or proofreader
Maria's friend's sister was getting married, and it was going to be rather large affair. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride composed a note on her computer, printed 300 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
After receiving their invitations, family and friends were surprised to read, "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the Grand Ballroom at Harrah's Resort and Casino. Everyone is invited."
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In 1804, the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present- day Hartford, IL.
In 1973, the United States launched Skylab 1, its first manned space station.
In 1998. singer-actor Frank Sinatra died at a Los Angeles hospital at age 82.
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Today-------------------Movie producer George Lucas is 66 and actress Meg Foster is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------yeah, right
A couple of weeks ago an elderly lady was absolutely horrified by the loud shrieks and filthy, vulgar language used by two electrical repairmen working near her home.
She was so upset she wrote a letter to the company complaining about the matter. Upon receipt of the hostile letter, the job foreman, Chuck, was ordered to report the circumstances of the event to his superior.
"Henry and I were on the job," Chuck said, "and he climbed up the pole and inadvertently allowed 530-degree molten lead to fall on me. To my dismay the lead went right down my collar and I said, 'OUCH,' rather loudly I'm afraid, as I ripped off my shirt, pulling the lead from my skin."
"And," the superior said, "that was it?"
"Well, not quite," Chuck said. "I looked up at Henry and called out, 'Golly, Henry, you really must be more careful up there.'"
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In 1930, registered nurse Ellen Church , the first airline stewardess, went on duty aboard an Oakland-to-Chicago flight operated by Boeing Air Transport (a forerunner of United Airlines).
In 1940, nylon stockings were first introduced to the public by DuPont.
In 1972, George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer and left paralyzed while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the Democratic presidential nomination.
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Today----Actress-Singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 74, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 73, Singer Trini Lopez is 73, Singer Lenny Welch is 72, Actress-Singer Lainie Kazan is 70 and Country Singer K.T. Oslin is 68.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------Sunday
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow slowly walked up to the cowboy carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the Bible out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," the cow said softly, "Your name was written inside the cover."
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In 1960, a Big Four summit conference in Paris collapsed on its opening day as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev demanded, but did not receive, an apology from President Dwight D. Eisenhower over the U-2 incident. And, the first working laser was demonstrated at Hughes Research Laboratories in Malibu by physicist Theodore Malman.
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Today-------------Actor George Gaynes is 93, Actor Harry Carey, Jr. is 89 and Actor Bill Smitrovich is 63.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------AHA!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region on $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.
The interviewer looked at him momentarily, leaned forward and said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical, dental, vision and hearing, company matching retirement fund to 75 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a Corvette, your choice of color?"
The engineer sat up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding me?"
And the interviewer replies, "Well, yeah, but you started it."
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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had it origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.
In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools in its Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka decision.
In 1973, the Senate began its televised hearings into the Watergate scandal.
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Today---------Actor-Director Dennis Hopper is 74 and Singer Taj Mahal is 68.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------------------------
Rest in peace, Fred McDonald, rest in peace.
And
In Memoriam--------my brother, Harry K. Jordan was born on this day in 1934 and left us on August 17, 1995.
Grandson of Albert and Edith Andrews of Howard, Kansas.
Believe that those who pass on are not just leaving us, but are going on to pave the way for the rest of us.
Larryj
Today's---------------------I remember those days.
On my way home the other day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.
As I sat down behind the bench on the first base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a broad smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very upset or discouraged."
"Discouraged? Upset?" the boy said with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be? We haven't been up to bat yet."
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In 1921, Congress passed and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants.
In 1962, during a Democratic fundraiser at New York's Madison Square Garden, actress Marilyn Monroe sang, "Happy Birthday to You" to guest-of-honor President John F. Kennedy.
In 1994, former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York at age 64.
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Today--------TV personality David Hartman is 75, Actor James Fox is 71, Actress Nancy Kwan is 71, Author-director Nora Ephron is 69, Actor Peter Mayhew is 66, Rock Singer-composer Pete Townsend (The Who) is 65 and PBS Newscaster Jim Lehrer is 76.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------that makes all the difference
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.
Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her 90th birthday, lived on the farm with her son, his wife and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom." he said. "The Canadian government has come to an agreement with the officials in Washington. It's been decided that our land is really part of the United States, and we have the right to approve or disapprove of this decision. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "I'll tell you what I think --- jump at it! Call whoever you need to call right now and tell them we accept!"
"....................I don't think I could stand another one of these Canadian winters!"
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In 1939, regular trans-Atlantic mail service began as a Pan American Airways plane, the Yankee Clipper, took off from Port Washington, NY., bound for Marseille, France.
In 1961, a white mob attacked a busload of Freedom Riders in Montgomery, Alabama, prompting the federal government to send in U.S. marshals to restore order.
In 1969, U.S. and South Vietnamese forces captured Ap Bia Mountain, referred to as "Hamburger Hill" by the Americans, following one of the bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War.
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Today----------------Actor-Author James McEachin is 80, Actor Anthony Zerbe is 74, Actor David Proval is 68, Singer Joe Cocker is 66, Singer-Actress Cher is 64 and Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------Let's see, should I wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt?
Things you will never hear in a western movie:
1. "Guns? We don't need no stinkin' guns!"
2. "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3. "Uh-oh, they're gonna attack........quick, pull the wagon into an irregular dodecagon!"
4. "Let's see...........hardtack and pemmican...........that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein and two starches."
5. "Hang him high, boys! Good, good......OK, now a little to the left.......Ohhh! Ahhh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
6. "Y'know, Brucie.........a roaring campfire, just you 'n' me, nice prairie breeze, ...........what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
7. "Barkeep!" I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
8. "Pete, you and Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
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In 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way, in Baltimore.
In 1881, Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean as she landed in Northern Ireland, about 15 hours after leaving Newfoundland.
In 1956, the United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
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Today-----Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 69, Actor Richard Hatch is 65, Singer Leo Sayer is 62 and Actress Carol Potter is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------old, but still funny
Billie Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation .... cept this year I'm gonna do it different."
"How's that?" Lester says.
"The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks, "So, what're you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."
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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date..
In 1960, an earthquake of magnitude 9.5., the strongest on record, struck southern Chile. According to the U.S. Geological Survey website, the quake claimed about 1655 lives, injured 3000 people, left 2 million homeless and caused $550 million worth of damage.
In 1969, the lunar module of Apollo 10, with Thomas P. Stafford and Eugene Cernan aboard, flew to within nine miles of the moon's surface in a dress rehearsal for the first lunar landing.
In 1990, Boxer Rocky Graziano died in New York at age 71.
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Today---------Movie reviewer Judith Crist is 88, Singer Charles Aznavour is 86, Actor Michael Constantine is 83, Actor-director Richard Benjamin is 72, Actor Frank Converse is 72, Actor Michael Sarrazin is 70, Former CNN anchor Bernard Shaw is 70, and Actress Barbara Parkins is 68.
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Larryj
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
That one has to go to work with me.
Today's--------------------hee hee
A thin, scholarly young man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the young man said.
"On a trip to a river city in Nevada, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they would not listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and slapped him in the face .... kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
"I then yelled to the rest of them, 'Now back off or I'll kick the stuffings out of all of you!"
St. Pete was impressed, "Wow! When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago," the young man replied.
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In 1785, Benjamin Franklin announced the invention of bifocals.
In 1788, South Carolina became the 8th state to ratify the Constitution.
In 1934, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were shot and killed by the Texas Rangers.
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Today-----------Actress Betty Garrett is 91, Actor Nigel Davenport is 82, Actress Barbara Barrie is 79, Actress Joan Collins is 77, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 74, Actress Lauren Chapin is 65 and Country Singer Misty Morgan is 65.
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Larryj
LOL I just read this in a bike magazine LOL
Today's---------Where did I see this one before?
Ever since Cliff was a child, he has had a fear of someone being under his bed at night. Finally he tired of the fearful, sleepless nights and went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got a problem," he confided in the doctor. Every night when I go to bed I think there's somebody under it that's going to do me harm. I'm scared and I'm tired."
"Just put yourself in my hands for a year,' said the psychiatrist. "Come and see me three times a week and together we can get rid of the fear, anxiety, sleepless nights and the evil person under your bed."
"How much is this going to cost me?" Cliff asked suspiciously.
"One hundred and fifty dollars a visit," the doc says.
"I'm gonna have to think about it."
Six months later the doctor and Cliff happened to meet on the street. "Why didn't you come to see about your fears?" the doc asks.
"Well," Cliff says, "Paying $150 a visit three times a week is a lot of money, so I stopped at a bar to think about it. While there, I told the bartender about my problem and he cured me for less than $10."
"Is that a fact!" With a great deal of attitude, the doctor sneered, "and how, pray tell, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed-------------------------ain't nobody been under there since!"
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In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message, "What had God wrought!" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.
In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place a Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.
In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Aurora 7.
In 1980, Iran rejected a call by the World Court in The Hague to release the American hostages.
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Today----------Singer Bob Dylan is 69, Actor Gary Burghoff (Radar) is 67, Singer Patti LaBelle is 66, Actress Priscilla Presley is 65 and Country Singer Mike Reid is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------don't laugh either
The owner of a drugstore arrived at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very, very strange look on his face.
The owner went inside and asked his clerk if he knew what was going on with the fellow.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explained, "so I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take them all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner hissed angrily.
"Well, I'm pretty sure it will," the clerk says, gesturing to the man leaning on the wall: "Look at him, he's too afraid to cough!"
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In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy, addressing Congress, called on the nation to work toward putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade.
In 1968, the Gateway Arch in St. Louis was dedicated by Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey and Interior Secretary Stewart Udall.
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Today------Lyricist Hal David is 89, Country Singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 74, Country Singer Jesse Colter is 67, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 67 and Actress Karen Valentine is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------makes sense to me
Arnie was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Trent for the recently advertised salesman position. Arnie looked at Trent's resume and noticed that Trent has never worked in retail before.
Arnie says to Trent, "What gall, if you don't mind me saying so. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
"Well that I am," Trent acknowledged, "but surely you must understand that the work is so much more difficult when one doesn't know what one is doing."
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In 1938, the House Un-American Activities Committee was established by Congress.
In 1969, the Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing.
In 1994, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in the Dominican Republic. (The marriage, however, ended in 1996.)
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Today------------Actor James Arness is 87, Actor Alec McCowen is 85, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 71, Singer Stevie Nicks is 62, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 61, Country Singer Hank Williams, Jr. is 61 and Actress Pam Grier is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------Ha Ha
A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home.
Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.
He told the besotted fellow:
"Brother, I must tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to hellfire damnation." To which the drunk replied:
"Oh no! You mean I'm on the wrong train again?"
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In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.
In 1933, Walt Disney's Academy Award winning animated short "The Three Little Pigs" was first released.
In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County, CA, was opened to pedestrian traffic. (Vehicular traffic began crossing the bridge the next day.)
In 1941, amid rising world tensions, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed an "unlimited national emergency." The British Navy sank the German battleship Bismarck off France, with a loss of more than 2,100 lives.
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Today---------Dolores Hope (widow of Bob Hope) is 101, Actor Christopher Lee is 88, Actress Lee Merriwether is 75, Musician Ramsey Lewis is 75, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 74, Country Singer Don Williams is 71, Singer-Actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 60 and Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 87.
Sadly----------Art Linkletter passed away yesterday at age 97.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------smart kid
Fifth-grader Norman was serving detention for talking too much when the teacher was speaking. The detention teacher said, "You have to produce a 1,000 word essay in 30 minutes .... GO!"
Norman was successful, in fact he finished in 30 seconds, not a half hour.
How? Norm drew a picture. After all, he's been taught that "a picture is worth a thousand words."
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In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.
In 1940, during World War II, the Belgian Army surrendered to invading German forces.
In 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.
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Today------------------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 81, Actress Carroll Baker is 79, Actress Beth Howland is 69, Singer Gladys Knight is 66, Singer John Fogerty is 65, Actress-director Sandra Locke is 63 and Basketball-Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 72.
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Larryj
QuoteIn 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.
Able was born at Monkey Island at the Ralph Mitchell Zoo in Independence, Kansas!
Baker was from Huntsville, Alabama, where an uncle of mine (Paul Wisner) lived.
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. ;) Sorry, just too good to pass up. ;D It doesn't seem possible that those flights were so long ago.
Today's-------------------GROANER, BIG TIME
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with removing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a difficult crime and then make such a silly error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
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In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.
In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, MA.
In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.
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Today----------Actor Clifton James is 89, Race Car Driver Al Unser is 71, Actor Kevin Conway is 68, Actor Helmut Berger is 66 and Actor Anthony Geary is 63.
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Larryj
Just heard------
Sadly, Actor Dennis Hopper passed away at age 74 of prostate cancer.
Larryj
Today's----------------------------Another beautiful Sunday
"It's getting so bad," I commented to my neighbor before leaving for Sunday services, "that pretty soon if you forget your Sunday church contribution envelope, there'll be one of those card slides in your pew so you can charge it."
My neighbor replied, "Do you mean to say your church still uses envelopes?"
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In 1883, 12 people were trampled to death when a rumor that the recently opened Brooklyn Bridge was in imminent danger of collapsing triggered a stampede.
In 1911, Indianapolis saw its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner.
In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington in a ceremony attended by President Warren G. Harding, Chief Justice William Howard Taft and Robert Todd Lincoln.
In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today---------------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 84, Actor Clint Walker is 83, Actor Ken Dullea is 74, Actress Ruta Lee is 74, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 71 and Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Gayle Sayers is 67.
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Larryj
Today's------I hope this professor wasn't teaching memory classes
It used to be that for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor or lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses.
But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so with one physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course.
On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
Being a science major, the young man naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the back of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card.
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In 1889. more than 2,000 people perished when a dam break sent water rushing through Johnstown, PA.
In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.
In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.
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Today---------Actress Elaine Stewart is 81, Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 80, Singer Peter Yarrow is 72, Actress Sharon Gless is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 67, Actor Tom Berenger is 60 and Actor Gregory Harrison is 60.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------if it's okay with the chicken
Jesse was quite hungry, but after arriving at the restaurant she couldn't make up her mind what to order, no matter how long and hard she studied the menu.
Finally, she turned to the waiter for help.
"Well," said the waiter pleasantly, "today our special is chicken on a bed of rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and desert."
"Hmmmm, that sounds great. But tell me, how is the chicken prepared?"
"Oh, well, we break it to him very gently and assure him that it's nothing personal."
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In 1868, James Buchanan, the 15th president of the United States, died near Lancaster, PA., at age 77.
In 1943, a civilian plane from Portugal to England was shot down by the Germans during World War II, killing all 17 people aboard, including actor Leslie Howard.
In 1967, the Beatles released their album, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
In 1980, Cable News Network made it debut.
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Today-----------Actor Andy Griffin is 84, Singer Pat Boone is 76, Actor Morgan Freeman is 73, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 70, Actor Powers Boothe is 62 and Actress Gemma Craven is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------is this store in Howard?
There was once a general store in Kansas back around 1900. The owner was an elderly man who attended church regularly and for a long time. And every time a transaction occurred it was the proprietor's habit to say a quote from scripture, and it was always a different verse.
The store always had those two or three "older gents" that you always see on the front porch talking about the "ills of society" and how it used to be, but every time a customer would show up, the men came in just to hear what the verse was going to be.
One day a fellow who claimed to be a congressman came in and inquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall. The asked the price and the owner told him $1400 even though the owner and the old men knew that the true worth was $200.
But the politician said, "I'll take it," and bought the rug. The owner mumbled something as the man left the store.
The old men stared at the owner awaiting to hear what possible biblical verse could follow such a dishonest act. The proprietor said, "He was a stranger and I took him in."
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In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that "the report of my death was an exaggeration."
In 1924, Congress passed a measure that was then signed by President Calvin Coolidge granting American citizenship to all U.S. born American Indians.
In 1941, baseball's "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig died in New York of a degenerative disease, ALS, at age 37.
In 1966, the U.S. space probe Surveyor 1 landed on the moon and began transmitting detailed photographs of the lunar surface.
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Today--------------Actress Sally Kellerman is 73, Actor Ron Ely is 72, Actor Stacy Keach is 69, Actor Charles Haid is 67, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 66, Actor Jerry Mathers is 62 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------can't top the firefighter one, tho
SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T BUY A TOY MADE IN CHINA
*Warning label says, "May attract rats."
*Box claims, "Not responsible for accidental neutering of pets."
*The part of the box in contact with the toy appears to be dissolving
*The manual includes the 800 numbers for the poison center and the CDC.
*Everyone at the store refuses to open it and show you how it works.
*In the fine print on the side of the box, you glimpse the words, "If symptoms persist-----"
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In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.
In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space, during the flight of Gemini 4.
In 1968, pop artist Andy Warhol was shot and critically wounded in his New York film studio, known as "The Factory," by Valerie Solanas, an actress and self-styled militant feminist.
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Today---------------Actor Tony Curtis is 85, TV Producer Chuck Barris is 81, Actress Irma P. Hall is 75 and Singer Suzi Quatro is 60.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------remember, ladies, I don't write them
Three guys more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one says, "If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what would it be? I'll start: I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a feather."
The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as beautiful as a cloud in the sky."
The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Three Horses.'"
"Three Horses," the other two say in unison. "Why?"
"Nag. Nag. Nag."
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In 1919, Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing citizens the right to vote regardless of their gender, and sent it to the states for ratification.
In 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II.
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Today----------------Actor Bruce Dern is 74 and Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 66.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------that's one way to prepare
"Well, Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks following his annual physical.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad, really bad," sighs the doctor.
"Well, what is it?" asks Albert.
"Oh, I can't find the words to tell you........I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being of strong character demanded straight talk and tells the doctor, "Don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it."
"Well," says the doctor, "I think that you should go to Murietta and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, okay, so I need to relax, eh? Will that cure me?"
"No, Albert, it won't cure you, but it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
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In 1884, Civil War hero General William Tecumseh Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected."
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary. Sirhan Bishara Sirhan was immediately arrested.
In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.
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Today-----------------Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 85, Broadcast-journalist Bill Moyers is 76, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 65, Country Singer Gail Davies is 62 and Actor Ken Follet is 61.
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Larryj
Today's----------------do I detect a hint of sarcasm here?
After a real crusher of a landing in Denver, the attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Then once the smoke from the tires has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association was founded in London.
In 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.
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Today-------------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 78, Civil Rights Activist Roy Innis is 76, Singer-songwriter Gary "U.S." Bonds is 71 and Country singer Joe Stampley is 67.
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Larryj
Sounds like something South West would actually do! ;D ;D ;D
Today's-------------there is some logic here-----
A big-city minister received a phone call from a small church in the country whose minister was on vacation. The minister agreed to fill in and on Sunday, almost passed by the church; it was so small and had fallen into disrepair.
In the entry hall, he noticed a small wooden box with a slot in the top and a sign hand-written on yellowed paper that read "contributions." He felt sorry for the obviously struggling church and took a crisp $20 bill from his wallet and slid it into the slot.
A moment later, the congregational president came in and welcomed the minister to their humble church. The service was attended by only about a dozen members, but they were grateful for his message and shook his hand warmly as they filed out after the service.
As the minister returned to his car, the president caught up with him and said, "I'm so sorry we can't pay you anything for today."
"That's all right," said the minister, "I wasn't expecting anything. I'm happy to help."
Suddenly, the president's eyes lit up. "Wait, wait, don't leave yet, we might have something for you" he said, and rushed back into the church. A moment later he returned with a very familiar crisp $20 bill and pressed it into the minister's hand.
"Please take this and bless you," he said insistently. The minister accepted the offering and drove home. That night, he was explaining what had happened to his family.
After he finished, his son looked at him and said, "Daddy, you know, if you had put more in you would have gotten more out!"
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In 1769, frontiersman Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.
In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia proposed to the Continental Congress a resolution calling for American independence from Britain.
In 1937, actress Jean Harlow died in Los Angeles at age 26.
In 1967, the Haight-Asbury Free Medical Clinic opened in San Francisco.
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Today-------------Actress Virginia McKenna is 79, Singer Tom Jones is 70 and Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 64.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------yeah, I could live next door, or maybe help with the refreshments, or---------
Mary Jayne and her daughters had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex. Soon afterward, they gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for Mary Jayne's daughters' friends.
The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door. After opening the door, the young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened.
"A f-f-f-f-f-friend told m-m-m-me there might b-b-b-b-be a r-r-r-rental in Building G-G-G," he stammered.
Mary Jayne told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions. A minute later she heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man.
"S-s-s-s-say, are there any v-v-v-vacancies in this b-b-b-building?" he asked.
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In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tenn.
In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for another term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's national convention in Baltimore,
In 1967, during the Six-Day War, 34 U.S. serviceman were killed when Israeli fighter jets and torpedo boats attacked the USS Liberty, a Navy intelligence-gathering ship stationed in the Mediterranean. (Israel later said the Liberty had been mistaken for an Egyptian vessel.}
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Today-----Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 85, Comedienne Joan Rivers is 77, Actress Millicent Martin is 76, Actor James Darrin is 74, Actor Bernie Casey is 71, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 70, Actor Don Grady is 66 and Actress Kathy Baker is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------sounds like R.A.M.B.O.--
A little boy took his dog to a "take your pet to school" day.
There were prizes for the smallest, the biggest, best-groomed, cutest and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog would win a prize, the boy tried to put his pet through a whole series of tricks with maudlin success.
Finally, the boy turned to his dog and sternly asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two plus two, minus six?"
The dog sat quietly looking at his "master" making no sound and remaining absolutely motionless.
"That's right!" exclaimed the boy enthusiastically.
His dog won first prize.
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In 1954, during the Senate-Army Hearings, Army special counsel Joseph N. Welch berated Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy for his attack on Frederick Fisher, a junior attorney at Welch's law firm, asking, "Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"
In 1973,, Secretariat became horse racing's first Triple Crown winner in 25 years by winning the Belmont Stakes.
In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood,.
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Today----------Actress Mona Freeman is 84, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 71 and Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 71.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------think about it, you will get it----------
When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another teacher and Michelle were discussing in private, Michelle decided it was time for an impromptu lesson in manners.
"Do you know what 'minding your own business' means?" she asked softly, but pointedly. He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted, "I do! I do!"
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In 1967, the Middle East War ended as Israel and Syria agreed to observe a United Nations-mediated cease-fire.
In 1977, James Earl Ray, the convicted assassin of civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., escaped from Brushy Mountain State Prison in Tennessee with six others; he was recaptured June 13th.
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Today-----Britain's Prince Philip is 89, Columnist Nat Hentoff is 85, Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 77 and Actress Alexandra Stewart is 71.
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Larryj
Today's------------if it ain't yours----
The following notice was posted on the office bulletin board:
"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please DO NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about lattes and such.
"Just be aware that the milk was expressly for my baby --- if you get my drift. Henceforth, I will most certainly label such things, but if your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mother and telling her you love her."
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In 1770, Captain James Cook, commander of the British ship Endeavour, discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia by running into it. (I generally only post items pertaining to American History, but this was funny.)
In 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee to draft a Declaration of Independence calling for freedom from Britain.
In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.
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Today----------Actor Chad Everett is 73, Comedian Johnny Brown is 73, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 71, Singer Joey Dee is 70, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 65 and Actor Gene Wilder is 77.
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Larryj
Today's------------------Hee Hee
An elderly woman called the police with the complaint that she could see her neighbors in the next apartment building cavorting around stark naked at all hours of the day and night.
A policeman came to her apartment and peered intently through her bedroom window for quite a long period of time.
"I can't see a thing," he said.
"Well, you can if you stand on the bed," she snapped.
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In 1776, Virginia's colonial legislature became the first to adopt a Bill of Rights.
In 1920, the Republican national convention nominated Warren G. Harding for president on the 10th ballot. Calvin Coolidge was nominated for vice president.
In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, N.Y.
In 1967, the Supreme Court, in Loving v. Virginia, struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.
In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."
In 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were slashed to death outside her Los Angeles home. (O.J. Simpon was later acquitted of the killings in a criminal trial, but was held liable in a civil action.)
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Today------Banker/Philanthropist David Rockefeller is 95, Former President George H.W. Bush is 86, Singer Vic Damone is 82, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 69, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 69, Pop Singer Len Barry is 68 and Actor-Singer Jim Nabors is 60. (Gooolllleee)
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Larryj
Today's----------------was not included in the paper-- >:(---back to the archives.
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!
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In 1944, Germany began launching flying-bomb attacks against Britain during WWII.
In 1966, The Supreme Court issued its landmark Miranda v. Arizona decision, ruling that criminal suspects had to be informed of their constitutional right to consult with an attorney and to remain silent before being questioned by police.
In 1971, The New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of America's involvement in Viet Nam.
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Correction to yesterday's birthdays----Jim Nabors correct age is 80.
Today---------------------Actor Bob McGrath is 78, Singer Bobby Freeman is 70 and Actor Malcolm McDowell is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------I must not be awake, I had to read this one a few times.
Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So, the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from.
"Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out a fellow in the fourth row.
"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"
The guy's friend, who was sitting next to him, shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."
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This is Flag Day----On June 14, 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag.
In 1775, the Continental Army, forerunner of the United States Army, was created.
In 1801, former American Revolutionary War General and notorious turncoat Benedict Arnold died in London.
In 1846, a group of U.S. settlers in Sonoma proclaimed the Republic of California.
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Today--------Actress Marla Gibbs is 79, Actor Jack Bannon is 70, Rock Singer Rod Argent (the Zombies) is 65, Real Estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump is 64, Singer Janet Lennon (the Lennon Sisters) is 64 and Country-rock musician Spooner Oldham is 67.
And, sadly, just heard that country musician and sausage maker Jimmy Dean has passed away.
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Larryj
I promise you nobody ever nodded off in one of MY fire safety classes. ;D Good story, I don't think I had those fellows though. Did get people from all over the country for the industrial programs.
Today's---------GPS couldn't even help here
The map the veterinarians friend had drawn indicated that the country client she was to see, lived in the second house past the Yin road. Try as she might, the vet could not find a Yin road anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped at the next farm to ask directions.
"I ain't never heard of no Yin road" said the farmer, "but ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy -- he's lived 'round here for better'n 70 years."
"Thanks," said the vet, "Where do I find him?"
"Easy," the farmer said, "he lives at the second farm past the Y in the road."
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On June 15th, 1215, England's King John put his seal to Magna Carta ("the Great Charter") at Runnymeade.
In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voted unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.
In 1836, Arkansas became the 25th state.
In 1844, Charles Goodyear received a patent for his process to vulcanize rubber.
In 1864, Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton signed an order establishing a military burial ground, which later became Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today--------Actor Aron Kincaid is 70, Rock musician Lee Dorman (Iron Butterfly) is 68 and Singer Russell Hitchcock (Air Supply) is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------it pays to be prepared
Carol, a friend of mine who works in the electronics department at Wal-Mart, certainly is no stranger to the daily variety of shoppers who visit the store.
But one day she was caught off guard when a young Boy Scout approached her counter wanting to buy an IPod. Having lost his wallet, he had only the check his mother had sent him and no identification.
Carol could not cash the young man's check without identification. She asked if he was sure he had nothing to prove he was who he said he was.. He thought a minute, then motioned for her to lean over so he could whisper in her ear.
Carol straightened and motioned for him to come behind the counter. There, the young man, pulled out his shirt-tail, reached behind him and tugged his underwear up above his pants line and turned around. There, neatly stenciled in the waistband was his name, phone number and address.
Carol cashed his check, and the boy left with his IPod. Another day at Wal-Mart.
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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
In 1897, the government signed a treaty of annexation with Hawaii.
In 1903, Ford Motor Co. was incorporated.
In 1959, actor George Reeves, TV's "Superman," was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in the bedroom of his Beverly Hills home: he was 45.
In 1960, the Alfred Hitchcock movie, "Psycho," opened in New York City.
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Today-------------Actor Bill Cobbs is 75, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 72, Country Singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 71, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 69 and Actress Joan Van Ark is 67.
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Larryj
Today's---------------GROANER----------big time groaner
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her group down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My goodness! What was that?" exclaimed the woman.
(you know where this is going, right?)
"Oh, that's the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
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In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.
In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a trans-Atlantic flight from Newfoundland to Wales with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman to make the trip as a passenger.
In 1961, Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defected to the West while his troupe was in Paris.
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Today---------------Actor Peter Lupus is 78 and Singer Barry Manilow is 64.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------smart dog
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders over to leave its mark against the wooden fence. Like male dogs do, it raised its leg and did its business on the side of the fence.
The second dog then goes up and starts to do his duty exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wood fence and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to do that?"
The second man replies, "I didn't teach him anything. He's gone that way ever since an old fence fell on him."
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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.
In 1812, the United States declared war on Britain,
In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, N.Y., of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 presidential election. (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)
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Today---------------Movie Critic Roger Ebert is 68, Actress Constance McCashin is 63, Actress Linda Thorson is 63 and Rock Singer Sir Paul McCartney is 68.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------whoops!
An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun. Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due.
He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released. But, obviously, the timing had to be just right.
So, in the few words of the native's tongue that he knew, he asked his guard exactly what time they planned to do him in.
The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are executed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked long and slow -- ready to be served for the evening meal...."
The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case, we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
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In 1862, slavery was outlawed in U.S. territories.
In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all slaves in Texas were free.
In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington. (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)
In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37 convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union were executed at Sing-Sing Prison in Ossining, N.Y.
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Today-------------------Actress Gina Rowlands is 80, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 68, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 62 and Singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------another beautiful Sunday and a Happy Father's Day
A minister was planning to officiate a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple to the front to be married in a brief ceremony before the congregation.
As the time arrived, for the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. So he simply asked, "At this time, will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"
Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows, two widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal wedding dress stepped to the front.
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In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, MA., found Lizzie Borden not guilty of the ax murders of her father and stepmother.
In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)
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Today---Actress Olympia Dukakis is 79, Actor Martin Landau is 79, Actor James Tolkan is 79, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 68, Actor John McCook is 65, Singer Anne Murray is 65, TV personality Bob Vila is 64, Producer Tina Sinatra is 62, Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Richie is 61 and Actor Danny Aiello is 77.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------the jokes on you
Ron, a man fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend, Chuck, a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well and feeling great."
A week later, Ron the joker received a heavy parcel..............collect....................on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a large concrete block which bore this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
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In 1932, heavyweight Max Schmeling lost a title fight rematch in New York by decision to Jack Sharkey, prompting Schmeling's manager, Joe Jacobs, to exclaim, "We was robbed."
In 1964, civil rights workers Michael H. Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James E. Chaney disappeared in Philadelphia, Mississippi; their bodies were found buried in an earthen dam six weeks later.
In 1982, a jury in Washington, D.C. found John Hinckley Jr. not guilty by reason of insanity in the shootings of President Ronald Reagan and three other men.
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Today-----------Actor Bernie Kopell is 77, Actor Monte Markham is 75, Songwriter Don Black is 72, Actress Mariette Hartley is 70, Actress Meredith Baxter is 63, Actor Michael Gross is 63 and Actress Jane Russell is 89.
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NOTE: TOMORROW I WILL BE HAVING SOME SURGERY EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO YOU DON'T GET A JOKE. HOPEFULLY, "ANOTHER SLICE OF WRY" WILL CONTINUE ON WEDNESDAY.
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Larryj
God be with you Larry and guide the surgeons hands.
Look forward to more Wry jokes.
Today's---------wait, no, yesterdays---------------------------
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, the pilot of a Huey Cobra messed up and landed his craft on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom.
Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway turning in circles. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower ......... we ain't done crashing yet!"
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In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.
In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.
In 1993, former first lady Pat Nixon died in Park Ridge, N.J. at age 81.
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Today----------Actor Ralph Waite is 82, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 74, Actor Michael Lerner is 69, Broadcast Journalist Brit Hume is 67, Singer Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 66, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 62, Actress Meryl Streep is 61, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 61 and Singer Alan Osmond is 61.
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Larryj
Now today's-------------------------------Sounds like a politician
A congressman and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The congressman said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The congressman looked somewhat confused, "How the heck did you start the earthquake?" he asked.
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In 1860, a congressional resolution authorized creation of the United States Government Printing Office, which opened the following year.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman discussed a plan to use the CIA to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. (Revelation of the tape recording of this conversation sparked Nixon's resignation in 1974.)
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Today----------Singer Diana Trask is 70, Actor Ted Shackelford is 64, Actor Bryan Brown is 63 and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 62.
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NOTE: BACK TOGETHER IN ONE PIECE PLUS A FEW EXTRA PIECES. EVERYTHING WENT WELL. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND WISHES.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------revenge is sweet
A neighbor of mine was bitten by stray, rabid dog the day before yesterday.
I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be prevented and he really didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of people I'm going to bite."
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In 1807, a grand jury in Richmond, VA., indicted former Vice President Aaron Burr on charges of treason and high misdemeanor. (He was later acquitted.)
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger carrying America's first woman in space, Sally K. Ride -- coasted to a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today-----------Actor Al Molinaro is 91, Comedian Jack Carter is 87, Actress Michelle Lee is 68, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 66, Singer Arthur Brown is 66. Musician Mick Fleetwood is 63, Actor Peter Weller is 63 and Actress Nancy Allen is 60.
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Larryj
Bonus-------
This was sent to me in an e-mail.
Entitled--------Spaghetti
A married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One day she announced to him that she was pregnant. Fearful that his marriage was in jeopardy, he told the woman that he would give her a great sum of money to go live in Italy and have the baby there. And, after the baby was born, he would support it until it was eighteen.
The woman said okay, but how would the man know when the baby was born in order to start the support payments?
The man thought for a minute and then gave her a blank postcard and told her that when the baby is born to write the word Spaghetti on it and send it to him. She agreed and moved to Italy.
Nine months later, he came home from work and his wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, you got the strangest postcard today."
He looked at the card, turned very pale, and fainted dead away.
The card read:
Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without
Send more sauce.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------old, but still funny
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely pastoral hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained gesturing towards the animals, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his Seventh Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Big Horn in Montana.
In 1950, war broke out in Korea as forces from the communist North invaded the South.
In 1962, the Supreme Court, in Engel v. Vitale, ruled that recital of a state-sponsored prayer in New York State public schools was unconstitutional.
In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angles at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.
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Today--------------------------Actress June Lockhart is 85, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 71, Singer Carly Simon is 65, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 63 and TV personality Phyllis George is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------------GROANER, BIG TIME GROANER
Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by bears.
"OK, guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the cub with three legs, and I'll take the one in the middle, the cub with one eye and limping, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silver-tip mama grizzly with blood-encrusted 9-inch claws, the big teeth and froth around the mouth."
"Hey, man, wait a sec ..... I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs -- that's not fair."
(Here we go----are you ready? Is your coffee cup safely on the table?)
"Now, now, Joe, we all have our bears to cross."
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In 1919, the New York Daily News was first published.
In 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman authorized the Air Force and Navy to enter the Korean conflict.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he expressed solidarity with the city's residents by declaring, "Ich bin ein Berliner," (I am a Berliner.)
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Today-----------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 88, Actor Josef Summer is 76, Singer Billy Davis, Jr is 70, Rock Singer Georgie Fame is 67 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 64
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Larryj
Today's-----------------I think I remember this guy
During the minister's sermon, a large plant toppled over right behind the lectern, crashing to the ground.
Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, the pastor smiled sheepishly and said, "Well now, that's the first time I have ever put a plant to sleep."
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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and brother, Hyram, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.
In 1985, the legendary Route 66 which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., passed into history as officials decertified the road.
In 1990, NASA announced that a flaw in the orbiting Hubble Space Telescope was preventing the instrument from achieving optimum focus. (The problem was traced to a mirror that had not been ground to exact specifications; corrective optics were later installed to fix the problem.)
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Today-----------Business Executive Ross Perot is 80, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit is 72 and Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (the Beach Boys) is 68.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------another groaner
Sheila urgently needed a few days off work, but she knew the boss would not allow her to take a leave.
Sheila thought that maybe if she acted a little "crazy", he would tell her to take a few days off. So, she hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
Her co-worker, Rose, asked her what she was doing. Sheila told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think she had "lost it" and give her a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "Sheila, what are you doing?"
She told him she was a light bulb. He said, "Clearly, you are stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." Sheila jumped down and walked out of the office.
When Rose followed her, the boss said, "And where do you think you're going?" Rose said, "I'm going home, too ----
I can't work in the dark."
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In 1778, the Revolutionary War Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey; it was from this battle that the legend of "Molly Pitcher" arose.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the National Housing Act, which established the Federal Housing Administration.
In 1978, the Supreme Court ordered the University of California, Davis Medical School to admit Allan Bakke, a white man who'd argued he'd been a victim of reverse racial discrimination.
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Today----------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 84, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 73, Actor Bruce Davison is 64 and Actress Kathy Bates is 62.
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Larryj
The Polish Divorce:
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
Extra funny! love that one. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Good one, Jo! :laugh: :laugh:
Today's---------------been there, done that
My mother turned 87 a couple of weeks ago, and as with anyone who has a "collection" of years behind them, trips to the doctor and pharmacy seem to occur with some degree of regularity.
The other day, mom and I were at CVS talking with the pharmacist who was going over the directions for another prescription.
"Be sure not to take one tablet more often than every four hours," warned the pharmacist.
"Oh, don't worry about that," my mom said with resignation, "it takes me four hours to get the lid off!"
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In 1776, the Virginia state constitution was adopted, and Patrick Henry was made governor.
In 1966, the United States bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong.
In 1970, the United States ended a two-month military offensive into Cambodia.
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Today-------Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 70, Actor Gary Bussey is 66. Comedian Richard Lewis is 63 and Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 62.
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Larryj
Today's----------------playing with them words again
Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
"I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault......it wasn't the pilot's fault..............it wasn't the flight attendant's fault............
It was the asphalt."
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In 1859, French acrobat Charles Blondin walked back and forth on a tightrope above the gorge of Niagara Falls as thousands of spectators watched.
In 1921, President Warren G. Harding nominated former President William Howard Taft to be chief justice of the United States, succeeding the late Edward Douglass White.
In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a vote of 64-20.
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Today-----------------Actor Tony Musante is 74 and Actress Nancy Dussault is 74.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------a woman after my own heart
While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, the aide asked the group to complete well-known phrases.
For example, she would prompt them with "better safe....." and they would respond, "than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until she got to the phrase, "Make love, not war."
She had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year woman shouted from the back, "while you can!"
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In 1863, the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.
In 1943, "pay-as-you-go" income tax withholding began.
In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
In 2004, actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.
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Today----------Actress Olivia de Havilland is 94, Actor Farley Granger is 85, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 79, Actress Jean Marsh is 76. Actor Jamie Farr is 76, Actor David Prowse is 75, Actress Karen Black is 71, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 68, Rock Singer-actress Deborah Harry is 65 and Cookie maker "Famous" Wally Amos is 74.
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Larryj
Today's------so there!
The Fourth of July was coming up and the nursery-school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about independence and patriotism.
"We live in a free country," she said.
"One of the things we should really be happy about is that , in this country, we are all free."
One little boy quickly came walking up to her from the back of the room.
He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free, I'm four."
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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states.
In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.
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Today--------------Country Singer Marvin Rainwater is 85, Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 80, Actor Robert Ito is 79, Actress Polly Holiday is 73, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 63 and Comedian Larry David is 63.
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EVERYBODY HAVE A SAFE WEEKEND!
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------Whoops!
Last night Val was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she'd probably be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the spirited beverages went down way too easy. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed twice. Quickly realizing that her husband might have been half-awakened, Val cuckooed another ten times.
The next morning, Val's husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He seemed to accept that offering.
"Whew! Got away with that one!" she thought to herself. Then her husband said, "By the way, we REALLY need to get a new cuckoo clock."
When Val asked why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed TWICE, then said, 'Oh, dog-gone it!'" Cuckooed FIVE more , times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another THREE times, giggled hysterically, cuckooed TWICE more, then tripped over the coffee table, swore at it vehemently and concluded the tirade with a huge belch.
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IN 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Mass.
In 1863, the three-day Civil War battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederate forces retreated.
In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.
In 1971, Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.
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Today-------------Actor Tim O'Connor is 83, Jazz Musician Pete Fountain is 80, Singer Fontella Bass is 70, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 67, Country Singer Johnny Lee is 64, Actress Betty Buckley is 63 and Actress Jan Smithers is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------short and sweet
They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. "How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you've never even met?" he demanded.
"The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you've never met scores a touchdown," she replied
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.
In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, NY.
In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.
In 1894, the Republic of Hawaii was proclaimed. (Hawaii was annexed by the United States four years later.)
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Today----------Actress Gloria Stuart is 100, Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 92. Actress Eva Marie Saint is 86, Playwright Neil Simon is 83, Baseball team owner George Steinbrenner is 80, Actor Ed Bernard is 73, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 70 and Broadcast Journalist Geraldo Rivera is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------makes sense, I guess
Have you ever noticed that no one ever threatens to prosecute somebody to half the extent of the law -- it's always to the full extent.
In these times of economic distress, some department or convenience store should only prosecute shoplifters to 80 or 90 percent of the extent of the law.
It would be good public relations; It would demonstrate to the community that while store management may be tough on shoplifters, they still have a heart.
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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.
In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.
In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title as he defeated Jimmy Connors.
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Today---------Actress Katherine Helmond is 81, Actress Shirley Knight is 74, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 62 and Rock Singer Huey Lewis is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------Out of the mouths-----------
When children come in to the doctor's office it generally falls upon the nurse to weigh, measure them and note their other vitals.
After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened 3-year-old on the scale, her mother said, "Honey, you know Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."
Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, crap!"
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In 1777, during the American Revolution, British forces captured Ft. Ticonderoga.
In 1944, an estimated 168 people died in a fire that broke out during a performance in the main tent of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Baily Circus in Hartford, Conn.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed an executive order established the Medal of Freedom.
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Today-----------Actor William Schallert is 88, Singer-Actress Della Reese is 79, Actor Ned Beatty is 73, Singer Gene Chandler is 70, Former President George W. Bush is 64, Actor-Director Sylvester Stallone is 64, Actor Fred Dryer is 64 and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 89.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------find an empty elevator shaft for this guy
Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were dismayed to learn that all the elevators in their hotel were out of service and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for the first 25 flights, then Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.
Indeed, at the 25th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim's serenading was complete and it was Scott's turn to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said with convincing gloom. "I left our room key in the car!"
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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed in Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.
In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1898, the United States annexed Hawaii.
In 1919, the first Transcontinental Motor Company Convoy, in which a U.S. Army convoy of motorized vehicles crossed the United States, departed Washington, D.C. (The trip ended in San Francisco on Sept. 6, 1919.
In 1930, construction began on Boulder Dam (later Hoover Dam.)
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
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Today-----------------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 83, Country singer Charlie Louvin is 83, Actor Joe Spano is 64, Country Singer Linda Williams is 63 and Actress Shelley Duvall is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------Hmmm--
Pappy sees Little Billie-Bob walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya'll goin' boy?"
Little Billie-Bob smiled and replied, "I'm a-goin' courting Peggy Sue over yonder."
Pappy said, "Y'know, when I went a-courtin', I surely didn't need me no dang lantern!"
"Yeah, Paw, I know," Little Billie-Bob said, "look what you got!"
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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence, in Philadelphia.
In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman named Gen. Douglas MacArthur commander-in-chief of United Nations forces in Korea. (But Truman ended up sacking MacArthur for insubordination nine months later, replacing him with Lt. Gen. Matthew B. Ridgeway.)
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Today------------------Singer Jerry Vale is 78, Singer Steve Lawrence is 75 and Actress Kim Darby is 63.
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Larryj
I hope little Billy Bob got popped in the mouth for being so disrespectful to his mother. >:(
Today's----------------------Warph used to be a preacher?
It was a beautiful day, but the minister was having a horrible time on the golf course. After lengthy visits in sand traps, slices and hooks ending in the forest, the pastor's final drive went straight into the drink.
The cleric, without uttering a single word, threw his club to the ground, stomped on it, then picked it up and wrapped it around the nearest tree. He then wordlessly grabbed the balls and tees and threw them far into the forest before silently pulling the golf bag from the caddie's shoulders and hurling it out into the water hazard.
Glaring out at the pond he finally muttered, "I'm going to have to give it up!"
"Golf?" the caddy said, slightly troubled by the minister's wrath.
"No," the pastor replied, "the ministry."
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.,
In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term. (He was succeeded by Millard Fillmore.)
In 1918, the Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.
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Today------------------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 83, Actor James Hampton is 74, Actor Brian Dennehy is 72, Actor Richard Roundtree is 68 and Author Dean Koontz is 65.
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Larryj
Today's---------------this one is old, but still one of my favorites
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says softly: "Now don't be silly dear, you know you have never used the cruise control on this car or any other."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Will you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir..........I'll have to cite you for that, too."
The driver says, "Yes, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.........You never wear your seat belt."
And as the officer is writing out another ticket, the driver turns to his wife and harshly barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
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In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate, and urged its ratification. (However, the Senate rejected it.)
In 1962, the Telestar 1 communications satellite was launched from Cape Canaveral
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Today-------------------Actor Lawrence Pressman is 71, Singer Mavis Staples is 71, Actor Robert Pine is 69, Actor Ron Glass is 65, Actress Sue Lyon is 64 and Folk Singer Arlo Guthrie is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------sigh, nothing in the paper today-----------back to the archives
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one," how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth" he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth," he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then.
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In 1767, John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.
In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first incumbent chief executive to travel through the Panama Canal.
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Today------------Actor Tab Hunter is 79, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 67, Actor Bruce McGill is 60 and Singer Bonnie Pointer is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------tee hee
Mort was known for being inquisitive and unlucky. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened.
He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also failed. He wondered, "Why me?!" and looked down to the fast-approaching ground below.
To his amazement, he saw a woman coming up with equal velocity.
"Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they approached each other.
As she passed she hollered, "No...........do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.
In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing for a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states. (It was declared ratified in Feb. 1913.)
In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen U.S. Rep. Geraldine Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major party ticket.
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Today-------------Comedian Bill Cosby is 73, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 67, Actress Denise Nichols is 66, Fitness guru Richard Simmons is 62 and Actor Jay Thomas is 62.
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Larryj
Today's---------------another "from the mouths of babes"
Iziah was learning how to tie his shoes and at the age of four, everyone thought that he was doing quite well.
One morning, when his mother entered his room, she noticed he had proudly completed his shoe-tying task -- but his shoes were on the wrong feet.
She softly mentioned this to her son, and, with a tear in his eye, he said, "But, mom, these are the only feet I have."
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In 1787, Congress enacted an ordinance governing the Northwest Territory.
In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the Democratic presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles, outdrawing rivals including Lyndon B. Johnson, Stuart Symington and Adlai Stevenson.
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Today----------Actor Patrick Stewart is 70, Actor Robert Forster is 69, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 64, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 62 and Actor Harrison Ford is 68.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------another "tee hee"
A woman walked into the animal shelter wanting to have her female cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" the receptionist asked.
(you see where this is going, right?)
"Very," sighed the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers, "That's how we got into this mess in the first place!"
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In 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a federal crime to publish false, scandalous or malicious writing about the United States government. (wait til they read this forum!)
In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid", was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Ft. Sumner, NM.
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Today-----------------Actor Dale Robertson is 87, Actress Nancy Olsen is 82, Actress Polly Bergen is 80, Former football player Rosie Grier is 78, Actor Vincent Pastore is 64 and Music Executive Tommy Mottola is 61.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------new kind of diet?
Cindy and Chloe hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Cindy was stunned at how trim and healthy Chloe looked.
"My goodness," she said, "What do you do to stay to fit?"
"Well," answered Chloe, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Cindy, looking her friend up and down, "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"
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In 1870, Georgia became the last Confederate state readmitted to the Union.
In 1916, Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon startled the country by announcing he was going to visit the People's Republic of China.
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Today---------------Actor Alex Karras is 75, Actor Ken Kerchival is 75, Actor Patrick Wayne is 71, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 66 and Singer Linda Ronstadt is 64.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------or how about roosters and hens or rams and ewes or
Over the years, Donna and her husband, Dave, have usually managed to decode the cute, but sometimes confusing gender signs put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often they get stumped. Recently, Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.
One was marked "Bronco" and the other was designated "Pinto". Dave was baffled, so he stopped a restaurant employee passing by.
"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said, gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, you'd probably be more at ease using that one," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men. "Pinto and Bronco are private dining rooms."
_______________________________________________
In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became Washington, D.C.
In 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, NM.
In 1969, Apollo 11, blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
______________________________________________
Today-----Soul Singer Denise LaSalle is 76, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 68 and Actor-Singer Ruben Blades is 62.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------I know, I know, she was blo----
A doctor had just hired a new secretary (her hair color shall remain a mystery.)
Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Male patient shot in the lumbar region," the poor woman was flustered and at her wit's end.
At last, she thought she had it figured out and her face beamed as she typed,
"...............wounded in the woods!"
_______________________________________________
In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.
In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed, one atop the other, during a tea dance.
In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.
_______________________________________________
Today----------------Actor Donald Sutherland is 75, Actress-Singer Diahann Carroll is 75, Rock Musician Spencer Davis is 68 and the comedian Phyllis Diller is 93.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------------back to the archives
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the vice president.
In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28 -year-old Mary Jo Kopechne drowned.
__________________________________________________
Today--------------Former South African President Nelson Mandela is 92, Former Sen. John Glenn (D-Ohio) is 89, Skating Champion and commentator Dick Button is 81, Actor James Brolin is 70, Singer Martha Reeves is 69, Blues Guitarist Lonnie Mack is 69 and our very own Dodgers manager Joe Torre is 70.
________________________________________________
Today's--------------another "from the mouths of babes"-----
Myllah, a charming vibrant 7-year-old, came into the kitchen and complained to her grandmother, "Grandma, I have a tummy ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her grandmother said, "You would feel a lot better if you had something in it."
Later that afternoon, a neighbor came over to visit, and, in conversation, remarked that she had been suffering all day with a severe headache.
Myllah perked up and suggested, "that's because it's empty. You'd feel better if there was something in it."
______________________________________________________________
In 1848, a pioneer women's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls, NY.
In 1969, Apollo 11 and its astronauts, Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin and Michael Collins, went into orbit around the moon.
In 1984, U.S, Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York won the Democratic nomination for vice-president by acclamation at the party's convention in San Francisco.
______________________________________________________
Today---------------Former Sen. George McGovern is 88, Actress Helen Gallagher is 84, Country singer Sue Thompson is 84, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 73, Actor Dennis Cole is 70, Singer Vikki Carr is 70, Country singer Commander Cody is 66 and Actor George Dzundza is 65.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
That joke goes to the firehouse with me tomorrow! Perfect. :D :D :D
Today's-------------------------------groaner
Dave thought he was going crazy. Every time he put on his hat, he would hear music from the 1930's and '40's. Finally, he went to the doctor and explained the problem.
The doctor, as most seem to do, said, "Hmmmm, let me take a look." Taking the hat, the doctor turned around to the table behind him momentarily, then handed the hat back to Dave and told him to put it on.
Dave did just that, and voila!, no music. Dave was ecstatic.
"Wow! What did you do?" he exclaimed.
"Awww, it was nothing, really, I just removed the big band."
____________________________________________________
In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States began holding sessions in Richmond, VA.
In 1917, the draft lottery in World War I went into operation.
In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after landing the lunar module.
____________________________________________________
Today-------------------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 80, Actress Diana Rigg is 72, Country Singer T.G. Sheppard is 66, Singer Kim Carnes is 65 and Rock Musician Carlos Santana is 63.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
MOANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Today's----------------------from the archives and a little long
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. 'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.
___________________________________________________
In 1861, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, VA, resulting in a Confederate victory.
In 1930, President Herbert Hoover singed an executive order establishing the Veterans Administration (later the U.S Department of Veterans Affairs.)
In 1949, the U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.
___________________________________________________
Today------------------Singer Kay Starr is 88, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 72, Actress Patricia Elliot is 68, Singer Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stephens) is 62 and Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 62.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------MD from the University of where?
Vito's arm began to hurt more and more with each passing day, so he paid a visit to the doctor.
The doctor looked at it, turned this way and that, then took out a book and studied it for a couple of minutes. He set the book aside and solemnly asked, "Have you ever had this before?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," Vito recalled.
"Well," the doctor diagnosed, "you've got it again."
_________________________________________________
In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.
In 1796, Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by Gen. Moses Cleveland.
In 1933, American aviator Wiley Post completed the first solo flight around the world as he returned to New York's Floyd Bennett Field after traveling for seven days, 18 and 3/4 hours.
________________________________________________
Today-------------Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (R-Kan) is 87, Singer Margaret Whiting is 86, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 82, Fashion Designer Oscar de la Renta is 78, Actress Louise Fletcher is 76, Game Show Host Alex Trebek is 70, Actor-Singer Bobby Sherman is 67, Actor Danny Glover is 63, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 63 and Rock Singer Don Henley is 63.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------another case of "foot in mouth disease"
It's not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. Surely you can sympathize with the fellow who met an old friend after many years.
"How's your wife?"
"She's in heaven," the friend replied softly.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the man. Then he realized this was not quite the thing to say. "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad." That, too, seemed inappropriate, so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised." That was even worse so he simply murmured, "You're looking well, good-bye."
______________________________________________________
In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.
In 1977, a jury in Washington, D.C., convicted 12 Hanafi Muslims of charges stemming from the hostage siege at three buildings the previous March.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush announced his choice of Judge David Souter of New Hampshire to succeed retiring Justice William J. Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court.
_____________________________________________________
Today------------Actress Gloria DeHaven is 85, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 74, Actor Ronny Cox is 72, Country Singer Tony Joe White is 67, Actor Larry Manetti is 63 and Actress Belinda Montgomery is 60.
____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------------------Yep
A California rancher went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident on your ranch?"
"Nope," replied the rancher, "although last summer, a bronco kicked in two of my ribs and several days later a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."
"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.
"Naw," the rancher replied, "They did it on purpose!"
______________________________________________________
In 1869, the Apollo 11 astronauts -- two of whom had been the first men to set foot on the moon -- splashed down safely in the Pacific.
In 1974, the Supreme Court ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.
In 1975, an Apollo spacecraft splashed down in the Pacific, completing a mission that included the first-ever docking with a Soyuz capsule from the Soviet Union.
________________________________________________________
Today------------Actress Jacqueline Brookes is 80, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 75, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 74, Actor Mark Goddard is 74, Actor Dan Hedaya is 70, Actor Chris Sarandon is 68, Comedian Gallagher is 64 and Actor Robert Hayes is 63.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------and this one is just plain bad
A string walks into a bar (I know, I know) and the bartender says, "We don't want no strings in here." The string thinks that maybe if he comes back another day, it will be a different bartender and he can get a beer. So the next day he goes back and says, "I have a glass of beer." The bartender says, "No way, we don't want no strings in here" and throws him out. So the string goes home and thinks and thinks on how he can get that beer. The next day, all tuckered out from thinking, looking all worn out and with a bump he tied in his stomach by himself, he walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that has been coming in here the two days?"
And the strings says,
wait for it
wait for it
"No, I am a frayed knot."
______________________________________________________
In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States the first officer to hold that rank.
In 1868, Congress passed an act creating the Wyoming Territory.
In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, N.C., that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy as it served three of its black employees at the counter.
_____________________________________________________
Today-----Actress Barbara Harris is 75 and Rock Musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 67
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------------Hee Hee
A severely visually impaired man is sitting on a park bench, passing the time of day. A Rabbi sits down next to him.
The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Feeling guilty about not sharing, the Rabbi breaks off a piece of matzoh and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this garbage?"
____________________________________________
In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first Postmaster-General.
In 1778, New York became the 11th state to ratify the Constitution.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which established the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense).
_________________________________________
Today-----------------Movie Director Blake Edwards is 88, Actor James Best is 84, Rhythm-and-blues Singer Bobby Hebb is 72, Singer Doby Gray is 70, Actress-singer Darlene Love is 69, Singer Brenton Wood is 69, Actress Helen Mirren is 65 and Rock Singer Mick Jagger is 67.
_____________________________________
Larryj
Whoops! missed yesterdays---it was a busy day--
Today's------------------------------------------------------------No thanks, I'll stay with the peanuts.
My friend recently obtained one of those new-fangled electronic gizmos that allow outsiders to listen to conversations between airplane crews and control towers. Following is one of the tidbits we picked up:
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of large, dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 655, cleared for takeoff: contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that dead animal report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 655: "Continental 655 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 702 and have already notified our caterers."
_________________________________________________
In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building killing 14 people.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000 "almost immediately."
_________________________________________________
Today---Actor Daryl Hickman is 79, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 65, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 64, Actress Linda Kelsey is 64, Actress Georgia Engle is 62 and Actress Sally Struthers is 62.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------Teresa wouldn't give any warning
A burly burglar broke into the home of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to gather his booty.
The Quaker, upon hearing a noise, went downstairs with shotgun in hand.
Confronting the burglar, the Quaker took steady aim and gently said, "Friend, I mean thee no unnecessary harm, but thou standeth where I am about to shoot!"
____________________________________________________
In 1985, the space shuttle Challenger began an eight-day mission that got off to a shaky start -- the spacecraft achieved a safe orbit even though one of the main engines shut down permanently after lift-off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today----------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 96, Actor Robert Norton is 86, Actor Robert Fuller is 76, Former Senator Elizabeth H. Dole is 74, Actor David Warner is 69 and Actor Mike Starr is 60.
____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------kinda rings a bell
It's Friday morning and a man decides to host a Friday evening barbecue featuring his culinary skills. That said, the following chain of events unfold:
1 Man leaves for work.
2 Woman goes to the store.
3 Woman fixes salad, vegetables and dessert.
4 Woman prepares meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man who has come home from work and is lounging beside the grill, third beer in hand (it's thirsty work igniting charcoal).
5 Man places meat on grill.
6 Woman interrupts man sharing a brew with neighbor to tell him meat is on fire.
7 Man removes meat from grill and hands platter and meat to woman
8 Woman prepares plates and brings them to the table.
9 After dining, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10 Guests praise the man for his unique mastery of the grill.
11 Popping open another brew, man asks woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and is completely befuddled by her icy glare and hasty departure.
_______________________________________________
In 1932, the Summer Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill creating a women's auxiliary agency in the Navy known as "Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service"-- WAVES for short.
In 1945, during World War II, the Portland class heavy cruiser USS Indianapolis, which has just delivered components for the atomic bomb that would be dropped on Hiroshima, was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.
In 1975, former Teamsters union president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared in suburban Detroit; although presumed dead, his remains were never found.
_____________________________________________________
Today---------Actor Richard Johnson is 83, Actor Edd "Kookie" Byrnes is 77, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is 76, Singer Paul Anka is 69, Actor William Atherton is 63, blues singer-musician Otis Taylor is 62 and our very own "Governator" Arnold Schwarzenegger is 63.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------A real groaner
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the town had a big brass gong that would be clanged every two hours thus: At 8 in the morning, one strike: 10 AM two strikes: noon, three times: and on and on until 8 in the evening.
The lawyers of the day strived to stretch out the trials as long as they could in order to make more yen. The judges became extremely irate with the status quo and went to the emperor for some sort of resolution.
Well, let me tell you the emperor at that time was no slouch and he promptly issued a proclamation declaring that ALL law administration would have to end by 2 PM., no ifs, ands or buts.
Consequently, it became known throughout the land that all trials ended with a ------
(wait for it)
Four-gong conclusion.
_____________________________________________________
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field.
In 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.
In 1969, the American space probe Mariner 6 flew by Mars, sending back images of the Red Planet.
______________________________________________________
Today-------------Actor Don Murray is 81, Jazz-composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 79, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 75, Actress France Nuyen is 71, Actress Susan Flannery is 67, Singer Lobo is 67, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 66, Singer Gary Lewis is 65 and Actor Richard Griffiths is 63.
____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------------another "from the mouths of babes"
The third-graders were being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger brother or sister who swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, one of the students answered, "I guess I'd have to climb through the window!"
_________________________________________________
In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.
In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people. Whitman, who had also murdered his wife and mother hours earlier, was gunned down by police.
In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.
________________________________________________
Today-----Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 79, Cartoonist Tom Wilson (retired creator of "Ziggy") is 79 and Former Sen. Alfonse D'Amato
(R-NY) is 73
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------------Just-------------------groan
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son, Ezra, walking to school. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe. She knew that Ezra didn't want her walking with him and his friend so she came up with an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, lagging behind at a discreet distance. The neighbor agreed saying that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise.
As Ezra and his friend, Sam, walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Sam noticed the same lady pushing her baby in the stroller following them. Finally, he asked Ezra if he noticed the pair.
Ezra nonchalantly replied "yes." Sam asked, "Well, who is she?"
"I think it's Shirley Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy," Ezra said.
"Ok, but why are they following us?" Sam asked.
"Well," Ezra explained, "because my mom worries about me so much, she has me recite the 23rd Psalm every night and in the Psalm it says that 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
____________________________________________________
In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.
In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory by Jack McCall , who was later hanged.
In 1909, the original Lincoln "wheat" penny first went into circulation, replacing the "Indian head" cent.
___________________________________________________
Today-----------Actor Peter O'Toole is 78, Movie Director Wes Craven is 71, Singer Kathy Lennon (Lennon Sisters) is 67, Actor Max Wright is 67, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 65 and Actress Kathryn Harrold is 60.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------I'm still working on that danged satellite TV thingie
Well, here we are moving right along in the 21st century. But where's the world of the future we were always told about?
Where are the flying cars? The cities in midair? People zipping around in jet packs? Robots doing all the chores for us?
I haven't seen any of this. Have you?
I'm sorry, but being able to clap my lights off and on just doesn't cut it.
_________________________________________________________
In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.
In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice. (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second , similar episode.)
In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed as a merger of the Basketball Association of America and the National Basketball League.
______________________________________________________
Today------------Actor Martin Sheen is 70, Lifestyle Guru Martha Stewart is 69, Singer Beverly Lee (The Shirelles) is 69, Movie director John Landis is 60, Actress JoMarie Payton is 60 and Singer Tony Bennett is 84.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------You gotta listen now and then
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday present when he saw a cowboy with a beautiful white horse. He told the cowboy that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The cowboy replied, "I dunno, mister, it don't look so good," and slowly ambled away. The next day, the rich man came back and offered the poor cowboy $1000 for the horse.
The poor cowboy said, "Geez, I dunno know, mister, it shore don't look so good." On the third day, the rich man offered the cowboy $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.
The poor cowboy gave in, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She immediately climbed onto the horse which immediately galloped off right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor cowboy's ranch house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The cowboy replied, ""Now hol' on jest a minute, I tol' you more'n once it don't look so good."
_________________________________________________
In 1830, plans for the city of Chicago were laid out.
In 1892, Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their home in Fall River, MA. Lizzie Borden, Andrew's daughter from a previous marriage, was accused of the killings, but acquitted at trial.
________________________________________________
Today---------------Journalist Helen Thomas is 90, Singer Frankie Ford is 71, Actress-singer Tina Cole is 67 and Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 66.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------sometimes I have to read these things a few times to understand
Sometimes I wonder about things-------is that wise?
Why do people continually say--"So-and-so wrote a book ENTITLED....? The book isn't entitled to anything. It's titled, named or called.
Why do people continually say--"So-and-so stood at the PODIUM....? A podium is something one stands on, a LECTURN is something one puts his notes on, stands at, has microphones attached, etc., etc.
Why do people continually say--"So-and-so was awarded the PEWitzer prize...? It's Pulitzer people .... pull, pull, pull, not pew, pew, pew. Are you listening, Bill O'Reilly?
And finally before I leave..............
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
________________________________________________
In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.
In 1924. the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" by Harold Gray made its debut.
In 1963, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.
In 1984, Actor Richard Burton died in Geneva, Switzerland, at age 58.
_______________________________________________
Today--------------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 80, Actress Cammie King (Gone With the Wind) is 76, Actor John Saxon is 75, College football Hall-of-Famer Roman Gabriel is 70, Country Songwriter Bobby Braddock is 70, Actress Loni Anderson is 65, Actress Erica Slezak is 64 and Actress Holly Palance is 60.
____________________________________________
Larryj
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------Some days, sometimes, I am almost ashamed of these jokes.
Renee's 7-year daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked her mom what it meant. Renee was so shocked that she could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "if someone does that to you, just say, 'shame on you' to that person."
A few weeks later Renee and her family were at the dinner table when her husband let out a loud belch. Renee reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."
You might imagine her husband's shock when their daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign!"
__________________________________________________________
In 1890, convicted murderer William Kemmler became the first person to be electrocuted in the electric chair as he was put to death at Auburn State Prison in New York.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.
In 1986, William J. Schroeder died after living 620 days with the Jarvik 7 artificial heart.
________________________________________________________
Today-------Actress-singer Abbey Lincoln is 80, Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 73, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 72, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 67 and actor Dorian Harewood is 60.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------------Sorry to be late, had to attend my next granddaughters baby shower.
A man takes his wife out deer-hunting for the first time. It's very early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife.
"Now, remember these woods have a lot of unscrupulous people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it with your life. If you don't, someone else will claim it."
The wife nods OK. "And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun three times in the air. I will be over as quickly as I can." Again, the wife nods OK.
"Now this is what we're going to do," he says. "See that ridge to your right? You're going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on top of this one to the left."
Separating, they go to their respective blinds. About 30 minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge where the wife is. He thinks to himself, "Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one."
Five minutes pass and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge. "Oh, great, how there's trouble," he murmurs out loud and immediately runs toward her ridge. As he reaches the top, he steps into a clearing where his wife has her gun pointed at a cowboy with his hands held high in the air. The husband gingerly walks closer and asks the cowboy, "All right, what's going on here?"
The cowboy remains rigid only moving his eyes. He says through clenched teeth, "Look, I don't want any trouble -- just tell her to please let me get my saddle off her 'deer', OK?"
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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.
In 1789, the War Department was created by Congress.
In 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, giving President Lyndon B. Johnson broad powers in dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks against U.S. forces.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible invasion by Iraq.
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Today-----------Writer-Producer Stan Freberg is 84, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Herb Reed (The Platters) is 82, Former Baseball pitcher Don Larsen is 81, Actress Verna Bloom is 71, Singer B.J. Thomas is 68 and Actor John Glover is 66.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------I got a song in my head
When Ginger's children received a DVD of "Cinderella" as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop beginning early, early in the morning for four days. Since it was warm outside, the family kept the windows open until noon.
Ginger's neighbors were having their roof reshingled by a crew of no-nonsense burly guys. As Ginger went out to get the mail one afternoon, she heard a roofer singing, "........put it together and what do you get..........?"
And immediately from the other side of the house came a chorus of three more husky voices; "Bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi-boo!"
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In 1876, Thomas A. Edison received a patent for his mimeograph.
In 1974, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal, President Nixon announced that would resign, and that Vice President Gerald R. Ford would succeed him.
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Today----------Producer Dino De Laurentiis is 91, Actress Esther Williams is 89, Singer Mel Tillis is 78, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 73, Actress Connie Stevens is 72 and Actor Larry Wilcox is 63.
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Larryj
See, even macho guys like to sing as they work. Thanks Larry
Today's-----------------------shoulda been in the paper yesterday (Sunday)---
Christie, the regular children's Bible class teacher, was ill, so the pastor volunteered his services.
When he walked into the room he couldn't help but notice the looks of bewilderment as to why "the big guy" was there and not their beloved Christie.
He decided to explain what a substitute was by giving an example. He told the children, "let's say a pane of window glass was broken and missing. Certainly, we couldn't just leave a bare opening so we would 'substitute' the missing pane with a piece of wood, cardboard or plastic until the pane could be replaced."
That seemed to satisfy the children so the class began. The minister gave the lesson with lots of exuberance and dramatics and the children seemed really enthused and interested in what he had to say.
If he had any concerns about his expertise with the younger crowd, one youngster removed all doubts when she announced at the end of the class, "pastor, you weren't a substitute, you were a real PANE!"
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In 1936, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics as the United States took first place in the 400-meter relay.
In 1944, 258 African-American sailors based at Port Chicago, CA., refused to load a munitions ship following an explosion on another ship that killed 320 men, two-thirds of them black. (Fifty of the sailors were convicted of mutiny, fined and imprisoned.)
In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki, killing an estimated 74000 people.
In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.
In 1995, Jerry Garcia, lead singer of the Grateful Dead, died in Forest Knolls, CA., of a heart attack at age 53.
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Today-------Comedian-Director David Steinberg is 68, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 67, Actor Sam Elliot is 66 and Former Baseball Player Bill Campbell is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------whoopsies
Working as an office manager at an international airport, Maureen had an office adjacent to a room where security personnel temporarily held suspicious persons for questioning.
One day, security officers were talking with a man when they were suddenly called away on an emergency. To the horror of Maureen and her three colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and the man began to walk out.
Summoning their courage, all four ladies stood up blocking his exit and in a unanimous no-nonsense tone of voice barked, "You, you get back in there and don't you make a move until you're told to, is that clear?"
The man nodded, slowly backed back into the room and quickly shut the door.
When the security personnel returned, Maureen advised them of their encounter and, without a word, the security folks went into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
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In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.
In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.
In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of the Charles Manson cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.
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Today----------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 87, Singer Eddie Fisher is 82, Singer Ronnie Spector is 67, Actor James Reynolds is 64 and Singer Patti Austin is 62.
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Larryj
BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS
I got this one in an e-mail today and wanted to pass it on. (doing it from memory, so it is not word for word.)
President Barack Obama was invited and attended the National Conference of Indian Tribal Chiefs. The President spoke on and on about how the Indian nation was vitally important to the interests of the country and that he was going to make sure that all tribes got the monetary support they needed and the full support of the United States government. The tribal chiefs, in turn, gave the president his Indian name, Walking Eagle.
With that, the president left and went on to a fundraiser. A reporter who was covering the whole affair approached one of the leaders of the tribal chiefs and asked, "What does the name 'Walking Eagle' mean?"
The tribal chief responded, "Walking Eagle mean 'big bird so full of crap, it can't fly."
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Larryj
Today's---------------Another "from the mouths of babes"
As a dental hygienist, Kathy had an entire family come in one day for an examination and cleaning.
By the time she was ready for the father, he informed her that she had an awful lot to live up to. He said his 6-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very, very, smart lady" was going to clean their teeth that day.
The father said she kept going on and on about Kathy's intelligence and skill until he finally asked how she came to that conclusion.
The little girl looked at her father and explained, "Because every time I come here, everybody calls her the Dental High Genius."
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In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at the island prison Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay.
In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.
In 1992, the Mall of America opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.
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Today-------------Actress Arlene Dahl is 82, Actress Anne Massey is 73, Country Singer John Conlee is 64 and Computer scientist and Apple co-fonder Steve Wozniak is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------what? did you say something?
The other evening my friends Dave and Donna were having their evening meal and Dave was quite impressed with the meat entree.
As Donna went to the kitchen, Dave asked her, "What did you marinate this in?"
Donna immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life just wouldn't be the same without him, etc., etc. As she returned to the table, his quite puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own. "Uh, what did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his reply and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she once again left the room, he called out, "Well -- would you marry me again?"
Looking over her shoulder she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
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In 1859, poet and English professor Katherine Lee Bates, who wrote the words to "America the Beautiful," was born in Falmouth, Mass.
In 1867, President Andrew Johnson sparked a move to impeach him as he defied Congress by suspending Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton.
In 1970, President Richard Nixon signed the Postal Reorganization Act that abolished the U.S. Post Office Department in favor of the independently run United States Postal Service.
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Today------------Actor George Hamilton is 71, Actress Dana Ivey is 69, Actress Jennifer Warren is 69, Actor Jim Beaver is 60, Singer Kid Creole is 60 and your fellow forum member, husband, father, grandfather, ever grateful and happy, all-around good guy Larry Jordan is 67!
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Larryj
Today's----------Okay---there are groaners and then there are big groaners, but this one? AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH
A traveling ballet troupe decided to perform "Swan Lake". All the members spent months rehearsing and two days before going on the road, they planned a dress rehearsal.
Unfortunately, moths had gotten into the wardrobe and destroyed all the tutus. Making matters even more dire, there was no place in town to buy new ones.
The producer immediately set about calling various cities. Eventually, he found a shop owner that promised to deliver the tutus by train the very next day.
Not knowing the exact arrival time, the producer wasted no time getting to the station. As he was standing all alone on the platform next to the tracks, the station master asked if he needed help.
"No, thanks," the producer said, "I'm just waiting for the tutu train."
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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.
In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.
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Today---------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 84, Actor Pat Harrington is 81, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is 77, Actor Kevin Tighe is 66, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 63 and Hockey Hall of Famer Bobby Clarke is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------Another "whoopsie"
Kathy and her husband, Steve, went out for dinner and dancing with his rather stern, elderly boss and his wife.
When Steve began a tale, which Kathy was sure he had told before, she gave him a kick under the table. There was no response and Steve rambled on. So Kathy gave him another vigorous kick and still the story went on.
Suddenly Steve stopped in mid-sentence and said, "I'm sorry, I forgot I told you this story before," and he then changed the subject by asking his wife to dance.
On the dance floor, Kathy asked Steve why it had taken so long to get her message.
"What do you mean?" he asked. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But sweetheart, I kicked you twice," Kathy said, "and it still took you a long time to stop."
Suddenly they realized what likely had occurred.
Sheepishly they returned to the table. The boss and his wife were smiling as he said, "Don't worry about the under-the-table shenanigans.........after the second kick, I figured it wasn't meant for me, so I passed it along."
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In 1908, a race riot erupted in Springfield, Illinois, as a white mob began setting black-owned homes and businesses on fire; at least two blacks and five whites were killed in the violence.
In 1909, the newly opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway held its first event, a series of motorcycle races.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.
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Today, Singer Buddy Greco is 84, Baseball Hall-of-Fame coach Earl Weaver is 80, Rock Singer David Crosby is 69, Country Singer Connie Smith is 69, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 65, Actor Antonio Fargas is 64, Actress Susan Saint James is 64, Author Danielle Steel is 63 and "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larsen is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------and danged near wiped out the curio shop too------------
As the Southwest jet airliner was flying over Arizona towards New Mexico, on a very clear day, the pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about the various landmarks.
"Coming up on the left," he said, "is the famous Meteor Crater, a major tourist attraction a short distance from Flagstaff."
"It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles per hour. The impact scattered white-hot debris for miles in every direction and left a depression nearly a mile across and 570 feet deep."
From the cabin a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the I-40!"
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In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to traffic.
In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow in the Alaska Territory.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.
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Today--------------Actress Rose Marie is 87, Actor Mike Connors is 85, Civil Rights Activist Vernon Jordan is 75, Britain's Princess Anne is 60 and Actress Tess Harper is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------the law is the law
A beautiful woman was visiting a famous castle on the coast of Northern California admiring all of the fantastic artifacts, rooms and grounds. Among her favorites was the large, Roman swimming pool.
Shortly before the end of the afternoon tour, she decided she would hide and then, pretending to be a famous movie star, would go skinny-dipping in the glorious pool.
After the tour buses departed she stepped from her hiding place and removed her clothing and slowly paraded around the pool. As the approached the side of the pool and prepared to dive in, she heard a rustling noise in the bushes and a security man, who had been watching her all along, emerged. He stared at her for a very long time before announcing, "I'm sorry, swimming is prohibited."
"Why," she said angrily, "didn't you tell me that before I took off all my clothes?
"Swimming is prohibited," he said admiringly, "undressing is not."
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In 1777, American forces won the Revolutionary War Battle of Bennington.
In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York at age 53.
In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Inc.
In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.
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Today---------------Actress Ann Blythe is 82, Football Hall of Fame and sportscaster Frank Gifford is 80, Singer Edie Gorme is 79, Actor John Standing is 76, Actor Gary Clarke is 74, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 64 and Actress Julie Newmar is 77.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------maybe not such a good suggestion---
When Clarence's wife ran away with another man, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Clarence revealed in detail his feelings to the all-wise shrink and sobbed, "Life just is not worth living."
"You mustn't feel that way," the doctor admonished. "You will get over this, believe me. Meanwhile, let work be your salvation. I want you to completely immerse yourself in your work. Now then, what do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks," Clarence said softly.
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In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War.
In 1969, Hurricane Camille slammed into the Mississippi coast as a Category 5 storm that was blamed for 256 deaths.
In 2000, Al Gore accepted the Democratic nomination for president, pledging a "better, fairer, more prosperous America."
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Today----------Actress Maureen O'Hara is 90, Baseball All-Star Boog Powell is 69, Rock Musician Gary Talley (The Box Tops) is 63 and Actor Robert DeNiro is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, but still funny
One summer evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back.
To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The man hooted again..............and so did the owl. And on it went for the next hour or so. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with the wife of their next door neighbor.
"I always know where to find my husband," she commented, chuckling, "he spends his nights out in the back yard calling to owls."
"Well, that's interesting," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."
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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil,, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina. (However, the Roanoke colony ended up mysteriously disappearing.)
In 1846, U.S. forces led by Gen. Stephen W. Kearny captured Santa Fe, NM.
In 1894, Congress established the Bureau of Immigration.
In 1910, floral delivery service FTD began under the name Florist's Telegraph Delivery ( the "T" now stands for "Transworld."
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of all American women to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.
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Today---------Former First Lady Rosalyn Carter is 83, Academy Award-winning director Roman Polanski is 77, Attorney and author Vincent Bugliosi is 76, Olympic gold medal decathlete Rafer Johnson is 75, Singer Johnny Preston is 71 and Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------from the mouths of babes-----again
The telephone rang in the Principal's office at an elementary school. "Hello," the principal said, "this is Wizard Elementary School, how may I help you?"
"Hi, this is Timmy Jone's father. Timmy won't be coming to school today and for the rest of the week."
"Oh my!" the principal replies, "What seems to be the problem?"
"Oh nothing serious," the voice says, "It's just that our family is going on a little vacation......I hope that is all right."
"Well, it's kind of unusual, but I suppose it will be okay this time. May I ask who is calling, again, please?"
"Certainly. This is my dad."
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In 1909, the first automobile races were held at the just-opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
In 1960, a tribunal in Moscow convicted American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage, two days after his 31st birthday. (Although sentenced to 10 years imprisonment, Powers was returned to the United States in 1962 as part of a prisoner exchange.)
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Today------------------Actor L.Q Jones is 83, Actress Debra Paget is 77, Rock Musician Ginger Baker (Cream, Blind Faith) is 71, Singer Johnny Nash is 70, Actress Jill St. John is 70, Actor and Former Senator Fred Thompson is 68, Former President Bill Clinton is 64 Tipper Gore, wife of former Vice-President Al Gore is 62 and Actor Gerald McRaney is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------leave it to the geeks?
A software engineer, hardware engineer and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain when suddenly the brakes failed.
The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside.
The occupants were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know," said the manger, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define our Goals, and of through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we will be on our way.
"No," said the hardware engineer, "I have a better solution. I have my Swiss Army knife. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, repair it, and we'll be on our way."
"Now, wait a minute," the software engineer said, "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if there's a second failure?"
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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.
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Today-----------U.S. Special Envoy George Mitchell is 77, U.S. Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) is 75, Baseball all-star Craig Nettles is 66, Broadcast Journalist Connie Chung is 64 and Actor John Noble is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-------------yeah, there you go!
An explorer in the remotest part of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, the explorer says quietly to himself, "Oh, God, I'm done for."
Suddenly there is an intense ray of light from the sky above and a booming voice is heard only by him.
"No," the voice says comfortingly, "you are not done for. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the fellow with all the fancy headdress standing before you."
The explorer bends down, picks up the stone and mightily whacks the chief upside the head. The chief drops to one knee, shakes his head and slowly, menacingly rises to his feet, eyes blood-red and glaring. Spitting out a couple of teeth, he, and the rest of the tribe, move forward toward the explorer.
But once again the explorer sees the ray of light and hears the voice from the sky:
"Oookaaay............NOW you are done for."
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In 1858, the first of seven debates between senatorial contenders Abraham Lincoln and Steven Douglas took place.
In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded in Saratoga, NY.
In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.
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Today--------------Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 78, Singer Kenny Rogers is 72, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 69 and Actress Patty McCormack is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------------it's Sunday
If God texted the Ten Commandments:
1. no1 b4me, srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg's
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. prnts ok -- ur m&d r cool.
6. dnt kill ppl
7. sx only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8.
(that drove the spell checker crazy!)
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In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River to delegates from the Constitutional Convention.
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Today------Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 76, Rockabilly Singer Dale Hawkins is 74, Baseball Hall-of-famer Carl Yastrzemski is 71, Actress Valerie Harper is 70, Football coach Bill Parcells is 69, Actress Cindy Williams is 63, International Swimming Hall-of-famer Diana Nyad is 61 and Author Ray Bradbury is 90.
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Larryj
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
Have a friend that interviewed Ray Bradbury a couple of years ago. He still talks about it - very impressed.
And that texting of the 10 commandments . . . Ugh! I have so much trouble with those abbreviations. I text a little, but almost always spell everything out.
Quote from: sixdogsmom on August 22, 2010, 07:52:58 AM
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
He has been working in films. Babylon5 i think is one of his productions.
Larry that was great and I'm so proud of myself for being able to read it. I too, loved all the Ray Bradbury stuff, especially the Martian Chronicles. When I was a kid and started losing interest in comic books, science fiction took over. I still have a few of the early paperbacks including Clifford Simak's "City," which cost me all of 25 cents of my allowance money.
Today's--------------------------good salesman
I finally made it to the Orange County Fair and, as usual, was amused by all the sales pitches presented for various household and outside equipment to make our lives so much easier.
One fellow, especially, caught my attention. He was hawking----excuse me-------------selling mops. Among the many features was the mop's unbreakable handle.
He was, indeed, impressing the people gathered around as he put the mop through all sorts of torture and stress.
As a final insult to the mop handle, he took it in both hands, put his foot in the middle of the shaft and bent the indestructible device nearly in half. It promptly broke in two with a loud crack.
Without any display of emotion, he bravely held up both halves of the "unbreakable" mop for everyone to see and said emphatically, "and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what the inside of an unbreakable mop handle looks like!"
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In 1775, Britain's King George III proclaimed the American colonies in a state of "open and avowed rebellion."
In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.
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Today-----Actress Vera Miles is 80, Actress Barbara Eden is 76, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgenson is 76, Actor Richard Sanders is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Rayfield Wright is 65, Country Singer Rex Allen Jr. is 63, Singer Linda Thompson is 63, Actress Shelley Long is 61 and Actor-Singer Rick Springfield is 61.
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Larryj
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Today's----------------this guy is really good-----
Roger, a well known and respected auto mechanic, received a repair order that noted "check for a clunking noise whenever the vehicle is turned."
Roger took the car for a test drive and made a right turn, a left turn, another left turn, a right turn, a left turn followed by another right turn. Each time he executed such a maneuver, he, indeed, heard a loud "CLUNK."
After returning to the repair shop and "working" for a moment or two, he brought the car to the service manager with the completed repair order which noted, "removed loose bowling ball from trunk."
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In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, making her the first woman to fly solo, non-stop, from coast to coast.
In 1989, Baseball Commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti banned Pete Rose from the game for betting on his own team, the Cincinnati Reds.
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Today-------Actor Kenny Baker (Star Wars) is 76, Composer-Musician Mason Williams is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Marshall Thompson (The Chi-Lites) is 68, Rock musician Ken Hensley is 65 and Actress Anne Archer is 63.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------stupid one, just stupid
Ulena walked into her doctor's office and was quickly escorted to an examination room.
She had a sausage coming out of her left ear, a piece of waffle coming out of her nose, a slice of bacon coming out of her other ear and three eggs (sunny-side-up) on top of her head.
As the doctor entered the room, Ulena exclaimed worriedly, "Doctor, doctor, what in the world is wrong with me?"
The doctor, looking at her over his spectacles, replies, "Offhand, I'd say you're not eating right."
(sorry I forgot to say "groaner")
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In 1943, U.S. forces liberated New Georgia in the Solomon Islands from the Japanese during World War II.
In 2009, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, the liberal lion of the U.S. Senate, died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, Mass., of a brain tumor.
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Today-----------------Actor Sean Connery is 80, Talk show/game show host Regis Philbin is 79, Actor Tom Skerritt is 77, Rock Singer-actor Gene Simmons is 61, Actor John Savage is 61 and Game Show Host Monty Hall is 89.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------well, she is listening
While marking her pupil's social studies test papers, the teacher was in a quandary about the answer given by Mylla, one of the second-graders in her class.
Asked to name the four major directions, Mylla had written:
"Listen carefully. Write neatly. Sit up straight. Raise your hand."
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In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.
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Today---------------Former Democratic vice-president nominee Geraldine Ferraro is 75, Actress Francine York is 74, Singer Vic Dana is 68, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Valerie Simpson is 64 and Pop Singer Bob Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------almost a groaner
A colony of bats, hanging on the ceiling of the cave, became aware of Clyde, a member of their group, standing upright underneath them on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this quite unusual behavior, they bellow at their friend:
"What in the heck are you doing down there, Clyde?"
The little guy looks up at them and shouts, "Yoga!"
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In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.
In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida -- A Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.
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Today----------------Cajun-country singer Jimmy C. Newman is 83, Actor Tommy Sands is 73, Bluegrass singer-musician J.D. Crowe is 73, Musician Daryl Dragon is 68, Actress Tuesday Weld is 67, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 65 and Actress Barbara Bach is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------old but still funny
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last week?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied, "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques; visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"Wow! Hey, the wife and I should go to that. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, " What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns and smells good?"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" He then turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted from his uncle's home in Money, Miss. by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman: he was found brutally slain three days later.
In 1963, 200,000 people participated in a peaceful civil rights rally in Washington, D.C., where Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his 'I have a Dream' speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
In 1968, police and anti-war demonstrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic national convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
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Today----Country Singer Billy Grammer is 85, Actor Ben Gazzara is 80, Actor David Soul is 67, Former MLB manager Lou Pinella is 67 and Actress Debra Mooney is 63.
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Larryj
Yesterday's----------------------We had a nice weekend away--a gift from our wonderful daughter-in-law
One of Brad's first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs. He spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" Brad asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, the customer complained about the paint not matching. uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.
"The repairs," Brad exclaimed, "were made to the other side of the car."
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In 1958, pop superstar Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana.
In 1966, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public tour, at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana; the resulting floods devastated the city of New Orleans. More than 1,800 people in the region died.
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Today------------Actor Elliott Gould is 72, TV Personality Robin Leach is 69 and Actor Ray Wise is 63.
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Today's----------------These sound like fun!
How to create additional excitement for the bride on her wedding day.
Have someone start "the wave" and toss a beach ball around the congregation during the ceremony.
Change the vows from "until death do us part" to "until the first tribal council."
Tell her all the pre-wedding counseling sessions with the minister have convinced you to enter the priesthood.
Wear you cell phone earpiece at the altar.
Add real chickens to the chicken dance.
Tell her that after speaking to he maid of honor, you're a little surprised she chose to wear white.
Swap her wedding dress with an exact replica that's two sizes smaller.
Tape a "Wide Load" sign to her backside right before she walks down the aisle.
"Wedding? That was today?"
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In 1861, Union Gen. John C. Fremont instituted martial law in Missouri and declared slaves to be free. (However, Fremont's order was countermanded days later by President Abraham Lincoln.)
In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first-at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.
In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash in Paris that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayad and their driver, Henri Paul. (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)
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Today-------------------Actor Bill Daily is 83, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 71, Actor Ben Jones is 69, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 67, Actress Peggy Lipton is 63 and Country Singer Kitty Wells is 91.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------Arghhhh!
The guy says, "Doc, I'm having performance problems in the bedroom." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your agility and ability. I can accomplish this in a series of operations spread out over a 30-day period and will cost $12,000.
"Or," the doctor continued while his patient regained his composure, "I can bring you back to A-1 condition in one operation right away that would cost $30,000. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the fellow comes back into the doctor's office and the doctor asks, "Well, what did you decide?"
The fellow says, "My wife says we're going to re-do the kitchen."
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In 1969, boxer Rocky Marciano died in a light plane crash in Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.
In 1985, Richard Ramirez, later convicted of California's "Night Stalker" killings, was captured by residents of an East Los Angeles neighborhood.
In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided of Cerritos, CA.
(Personal note: On the day the planes collided, we were on the 605 freeway headed south to the beach for the day and as we passed through Cerritos, we could see a black plume of smoke to the east of us. We did not know what it was until later when we saw the news.)
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Today-----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 75, Actor Warren Berlinger is 73, Rock Musician Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 70, Actor Jack Thompson is 70, Violinist Itzhak Pearlman is 65, Singer-songwriter Van Morrison is 65 and Actor Richard Gere is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------Good one
"Oh no!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son, Glenn. Only the slim hope of finding Glenn kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Glenn! Glenn!" he called out. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone or something move. At least he thought he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Glenn!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr was found not guilty of treason. (Burr was then tried on a misdemeanor charge, but was again acquitted.
In 1985, a U.S.-French expedition located the wreckage of the Titanic on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean roughly 400 miles off Newfoundland.
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Today-------------Actor George Maharis is 82, Actor Don Stroud is 67, Singer Archie Bell is 66, Singer Barry Gibb is 64, talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 60 and Comedian-Actress Lily Tomlin is 71.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------old, probably a repeat, but still funny
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor, smiled and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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In 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.
In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at UCLA passed test data through a 15-foot cable.
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Today---------Dancer-Actress Marge Champion is 91, Jazz Musician Horace Silver is 82, Former Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Uberoth is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sam Gooden (The Impressions) is 71, Singer Jimmie Clanton is 70, Singer Joe Simon is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 62 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 62.
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Larryj
Today's------------Hee Hee
The personnel office received an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff breakdown by age and sex.
The director of the personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we strongly suspect we have a few alcoholics."
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In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.
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Today-------------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 87, Actress Anne Jackson is 84, Actress Eileen Brennan is 78, Country Singer Tompall Glaser is 77, Actress Pauline Collins is 70, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 68 and Actress Valerie Perrine is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-----------wait--today is Saturday, not Sunday
A nice gentleman who was a regular at church services every Sunday had just passed on and was at the Gates of Heaven. As he prepared to enter an angel appeared by his side and asked him if he knew God's earthly name.
The fellow said, "Oh yes, that's easy----his name is Andy."
"Andy!" the angel exclaimed. "What makes you think his name is Andy?"
"Well," the man said, "it must be because we always sing the song each Sunday, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me......'"
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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.
In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.
In 1969, the Food and Drug Administration issued a report calling birth control pills "safe" despite a slight risk of fatal blood-clotting disorders linked to the pills.
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Today-------------Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 68, World Golf Hall of Famer Raymond Floyd is 68, Actress Jennifer Salt is 66, World Golf Hall of Famer Tom Watson is 61 and Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 79.
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Larryj
Mitzi is 79... wow, and to think I was in love with her eons ago... how time flies.
And I say this, because I wanted to be the number 700th on "replys."
Keep up the good work on "another slice of wry" Larry. I
read it every day. One of the best things on this forum.
Okay, let's get caught up.
Sunday's---------------Yeah, that'll show 'em!
A patient had been diagnosed with a strange disease, not frequently seen in the United States.
He complained to his doctor, "I've been to two other doctors and neither one agree with your diagnosis."
"One said it was tuberculosis, and one said that it was possibly a tumor, but he'd have to run some tests to prove if it was malignant or not."
The doctor calmly replied, "well, then, we'll just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
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In 1960, at the Rome Olympics, American boxer Cassius Clay (Muhammed Ali) defeated Zbigniew Pietrzykowski of Poland to win the light-heavyweight gold medal.
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Sunday---------Comedian-Actor Bob Newhart was 81, Actress-Singer Carol Lawrence was 78, Actor William Devane was 71, Singer Al Stewart was 65, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite was 60 and Actress Raquel Welch turned 70.
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Monday's------------------and on and on and on
A contract law professor asked one of his better students, "If you, as an attorney, were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange for you."
"No, no, you dolt!" the outraged professor said, "you're a lawyer --- think and act like one!"
"Yes, sir! All right. I would tell that person, whomever it might be, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claims, title, claim and advantages of and in, said edible fruit, commonly known as an orange, together with all its rind, pith, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise consume the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, pith and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whosoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...........
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In 1860, social activist Jane Addams, who became the first American woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize, was born in Cedarville, Illinois.
In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY. (McKinley died eight days later; he was succeeded by Vice President Theodore Roosevelt. Czolgosz was executed in October 1901.)
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Monday------------Comedian Joanne Worley was 73 and Comedian-Actress Jane Curtain was 63.
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Today's--------------------Remember I don't write them.
Some years ago, the manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood received the following testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in Tennessee.
"Afore takin' yer tonic," the woman wrote, ""I wuz too tired to hoe the fields and pick the cotton. But after only two bottles of yer delicious mixture, I'm now known as the best cotton-pickin' hoer in all the county."
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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.
In 1968, feminists protested outside the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, N.J. (The pageant crown went to Miss Illinois, Judith Ford.)
In 1979, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its cable TV debut.
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Today-----------------Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) is 86, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 80 and Singer Gloria Gaynor is 61.
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Larryj
Today's----------yeah, who'd thunk it?
A man and his wife are dining at a very popular and plush restaurant. The husband keeps staring through the open arches into the cocktail area at a woman sitting at the bar, tossing back drink after drink.
"Do you know that woman?" the wife inquires.
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-girlfriend. It's my understanding that she took to drinking right after we split up five years ago...........I've heard she hasn't been sober since."
"Good Lord," exclaims the wife, "who would have thought a person could celebrate that long?"
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In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.
In 1920, New York-to-San Francisco air mail service was inaugurated.
In 1930, Scotch cellophane tape made its debut as a sample was shipped to a Chicago firm that specialized in wrapping.
In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today------------------Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 70, Actor Alan Feinstein is 69, Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 60 and Comedian Sid Caesar is 88.
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Larryj
Today's----------sorry to be late, it's been a busy day.
After numerous years in college and medical school, and following a long and tedious residency, young Dr. Klondyke embarked on a career in psychiatry.
Unfortunately, he died. When he reached heaven, St. Peter greeted him at the pearly gates. Dr. Klondyke was not happy about having been taken so young, and he complained quite loudly about his fate.
St. Peter explained, "We have a serious problem up here, and we need your help right now."
Dr. Klondyke replied, "But why me? Why not some psychiatrist who is older, more experienced and ready to go?"
St. Peter, in a low voice said, "We needed someone familiar with the judicial trend on earth at this time."
"I still don't understand."
St. Peter responded, "It's God. He thinks he's a federal judge."
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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."
In 1830, Charles Durant flew a balloon from New York City across the Hudson River to Perth Amboy, N.J
In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.
In 1926, the National Broadcasting Co. (NBC) was incorporated by the Radio Corp. of America.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since the Reconstruction.
In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.
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Today----------Actor Cliff Robertson is 87, Actor Topol is 75, Singer Inez Foxx is 68, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 65, Country Singer Freddy Weller is 63 and College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------dagnab it, late again.
Granny, 89, still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear ones, the other day I went up to our local Christian Book Store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; you can't imagine what an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about how good life is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
I found that lots of people love Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! I saw another guy waving with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my grandson what that meant.
He said it was probably a good luck sign or something. Well, I didn't want to appear selfish, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. They wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Take care----Love Granny
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In 108, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.
In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who'd served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.
In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.
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Today----------------Golfer Arnold Palmer is 81, Singer Jose Feliciano is 65, Former Canadian First Lady Margaret Trudeau is 62 and Political Commentator Bill O'Reilly is 61.
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Larryj
Today's---------------I am NOT going to use my spell checker on this one. (trick is to read slowly)
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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In 1970, Ford Motor Co. introduced the Pinto, a compact that would become caught up in controversy over the safety of its gas tank. (The Pinto was discontinued in 1980.)
In 1985, Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds cracked career hit number 4,192 off Eric Show of the San Diego Padres, eclipsing the record held by Ty Cobb.
In 2001, nearly 3,000 people were killed on America's worst day of terrorism. Hijackers seized four jetliners, two of which smashed into the World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one jetliner plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.
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Today------------Actress Betsy Drake is 87, Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, is 86, Movie Director Brian De Palma is 70 and Actress Amy Madigan is 60.
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Larryj
I liked your spell checker joke. I sometimes don't think people realize, from an old teachers point of view, how tiring it is on the eyes to read that kind of thing over and over when one has 30 or so papers to check. We finally had to put "no text or computer language" out for the fire prevention contest essays because spelling does count in judging. U R sew write! EEEEK!
Today's-----------------------it's Sunday
The preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the podium and bow your head in prayer. What are you praying about?"
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to inspire me so I can give a good sermon."
The little boy thought for a minute, the said, "Why doesn't he?"
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In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.
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Today------------------------Actor Dickie Moore (Our Gang) is 85, Actor Freddie Jones is 83, Country Singer George Jones is 79, Actress Linda Gray is 70 and Singer Maria Muldaur is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------another whoopsie
Kristina had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town.
One day at the grocery store, she used the last of her personalized checks bearing her old address.
The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.
Kristina assured her that it was, and as the cashier started to put the check in the cash drawer she inquired once again if everything was correct on the check.
"Why do you ask?" Kristina responded.
"Because," the clerk replied, "my husband and I moved into a charming apartment yesterday at the address indicated on your check, and I just don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."
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In 1788, the Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election, and declared New York City the temporary national capital.
In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany. (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973.)
In 1971, a four-day inmates rebellion at the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York ended as police and guards stormed the prison; the ordeal and final assault claimed 43 lives.
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Today------Actress Barbara Bain is 79, Actress Eileen Fulton ("As the World Turns") is 77, TV Producer Fred Silverman is 73, Actor Richard Kiel is 71 and Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 66.
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Larryj
Today's----------smart man
There once was a couple who named their son Odd. All of the other children used to tease him about his name, but he stuck out his chest and refused to acknowledge the teasing. All through his life people continued to make fun of his name, even after he became quite successful.
Finally, as an old man, he wrote out his last wishes.
"I have been the butt of jokes all my life,"he wrote, "so I'll not have people making fun of me after I'm gone." He instructed that his tombstone be left absolutely blank.
Eventually, he did pass on, but even after he was gone, visitors to the cemetery couldn't help but notice the large, blank headstone and invariably comment, "That's odd."
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In 1814, Francis Scott Key wrote a poem after witnessing how Fort McHenry in Maryland had endured a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; that poem, "Defiance of Fort McHenry," later became the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner," the American national anthem.
In 1901, President William McKinley died in Buffalo, NY, of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.
In 1948, a groundbreaking ceremony took place in New York at the site of the United Nations' world headquarters.
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Today-------------------Actress Zoe Caldwell is 77, Feminist author Kate Millet is 76, Singer-Actress Joey Heatherton is 66, Actor San Neil is 63 and Actor Walter Koenig is 75.
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Larryj
Today's-----------yeah, I always just say no to my wife when she wants to sing happy birthday to someone.
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
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In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually convicted for their roles in the blast.)
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Today---------Actor Forest Compton is 85, Comedian Norm Crosby is 83, Actor Henry Darrow is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 72, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 64, Movie Director Oliver Stone is 64 and Actor-Director Jackie Cooper is 88.
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Larryj
I'd lost that bombing in the passage of time. Someone on here sometime back said the the KKK only killed people who needed to be killed. I wonder how they justified the deaths of those little girls in a church.
Today's-------------------GROANER
While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses. Each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
"What does the pin signify?" he asked one of them.
"Oh! Nothing, really," she said with a chuckle. "We just use it to keep the doctors away."
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In 1940. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act, which set up the first peacetime military draft in U.S. history.
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Today----------Actress Janet Paige is 88, Actress Lauren Becall is 86, Blues Singer B.B. King is 85, Actor Peter Falk is 83, Actress Anne Francis is 80, Actor George Chakiris is 78, Actress Linda Miller is 68 and Actor Ed Begly, Jr. is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------Hee hee
Ralph hadn't been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges for a blind date for him. Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea.
His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren't going well. So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner.
After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn't handle another minute with her. Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it.
When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." The blind date replies, "Thank heavens, if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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In 1862, in the bloodiest battle day in U.S. history, Union forces fought Confederate invaders in the Civil War Battle of Antietam in Maryland; more than 3,600 men were killed.
In 1920, the American Professional Football Association -- a precursor of the National Football League -- was formed in Canton, Ohio.
In 1959, groundbreaking took place for Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles.
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Today-----------Pro Football Hall-of-Famer George Blanda is 83, Actor David Huddleston is 80 and Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is 65.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------see if you can follow this one!
Wow! This is so creepy! At the end, you'll wonder how can it be? First, let's begin slowly. Please take a deep breath, hold it, and exhale slowly. Good, you're doing fine. Now, think of a letter between C and Q. Say that letter you have chosen out loud. Now, think of an animal's name that begins with that letter. Super.
Now, repeat that animal's name out loud.
This is great, isn't it? Of course it is. Now then, think of a person's name that begins with the LAST letter in the animal's name but is no longer that 10 letters. Good. Now, count out loud the letters in that name using a finger for each letter. I know it's a little confusing, but please do it anyway. Thanks.
Now, hold out your hand (or hands) in front of you with the palms open and held at face level.
Look at your palm (or palms). Now clap your hands together ONE time. Now look at your right hand. Do the lines in the palm of your hand form the first letter of the person's name?
Of course they don't-------------------------------gotcha.
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In 1793, President George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.
In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to theirs owners.
In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
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Today----------------Singer Jimmy Rodgers is 77, Actor Robert Blake is 77, Actor Fred Willard is 71, Singer Frankie Avalon is 70 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------it's Sunday
Two elderly high-spirited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery sermon by the preacher.
When this reverend condemned the sin of stealing, the two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, the two ladies yelled again, "YES, OH YEAH, PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher-man condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "LORDY, LORDY, THAT'S RIGHT, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two were absolutely silent. One lady turned to the other and harrumphed, "Well now! He's quit preachin' and turned to meddlin'!"
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In 1777, during the Revolutionary War, American soldiers won the first Battle of Saratoga.
In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.
In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier" in the Nevada desert.
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Today------------Actress Rosemary Harris is 83, Baseball Hall-of-famer Edwin "Duke" Snider is 84, Actor Adam West is 80, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 70, Singer Bill Medley is 70, Actor Jeremy Irons is 62, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 61, TV personality Joan Lunden is 60 and TV host James Lipton is 84.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------I think this has been on the forum before
Today we should mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic shenanigans.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as fairness and truth. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (Parents, not children are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-meaning, but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate on the cheek, teens suspended from school for using mouth-wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense's health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than the victims.
Common Sense could not go on when the leaders passed an important 2,000-page health care bill without knowing what was in it. The Speaker of the House informed the public that the contents of the Bill would be known after the bill was passed. And in another instance those very same leaders gave a standing ovation to a foreign president after he objected to one of the united states enforcing a federal law.
And with his final breath, Common Sense asked why half the citizens of the United States do not pay ANY income taxes while the other half pays it all.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. His is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Sadly not many people attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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In 1884, the National Equal Rights Party was formed during a convention of suffragists in San Francisco; the convention nominated Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood for president.
IN 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest. (Curry was late found mentally incompetent.
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Today-----------Singer Gogi Grant is 86, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 81 and Actress Sophia Loren is 76.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------sorry to be late
During military basic training, the lieutenant took a batch of new recruits on a march and during a break, asked each of them where their home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all WRONG! This is your home, don't forget it!"
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to add.
"You bet I do," the sergeant replied.
Turning to the troops he said, "While you clowns were out traipsing around today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, unshined shoes and footlockers in a mess.
"Where," he demanded, "do you think you are -------------HOME?"
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In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien, was first published.
In 1987, NFL players called a strike, mainly over the issue of free agency. (The 24-day walkout prompted football owners to hire replacement players.)
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Today-----------------Actor Karl Slover ("The Wizard of Oz") is 92, Actor Larry Hagman is 79, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 76, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 63, Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 60 and Author Stephen King is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------whoopsie
During a visit to the doctor, Betty Lou noticed that, after she got off the scales, the doctor was shaking his head, albeit slightly. Betty Lou said, "Doctor, may I ask you a question?"
"Well, yes, of course," the doctor said.
"Do you think I've put on weight since my last physical?"
"Well, uh," he said, "no, no you haven't."
"Thank you," Betty Lou said, "That makes me feel a little better."
"You're most certainly welcome," he said as he reached for a tongue depressor, "Now then," he said smiling, "Open your mouth and moo."
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
In 1989, songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.
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Today------------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 68, Actor Paul Le Mat is 64 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda is 83.
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Larryj
Today's---------Wait! What? Who?
The married businessman executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this, his newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your girlfriend/secret lover."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 A.M. How long have you known about us?"
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In 1780, British spy John Andre was captured along with papers revealing Benedict Arnold's plot to surrender West Point to the British.
In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.
In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.
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Today------------Actor Mickey Rooney is 90, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 87, Singer Julio Iglesias is 67, Actor Paul Peterson (The Donna Reed Show) is 65, Actress-Singer Mary Kay Place is 63 and "The Boss" Bruce Springsteen is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------yeah, that makes sense.
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard and a sketch of the shed.
"That looks fine," the director said. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permit."
Three weeks later, a neighbor who lived next door to the first fellow also wanted permission for a shed in her back yard. She went to the director's office and got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two or three weeks and I'll let you know what additional steps are necessary."
"But," groaned the neighbor, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away."
"Well, that might be true," said the secretary, "but that was before we got organized."
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In 1789, Congress passed a Judiciary Act which provided for an Attorney General and a Supreme Court.
In 1969, the trial of the Chicago Eight (later seven) began. (Five were later convicted of crossing state lines to incite riots at the 168 Democratic convention, but the convictions were ultimately overturned.)
In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco. Hearst was released after 22 months after receiving clemency from President Jimmy Carter.
In 1998, the government began releasing the new, harder-to-counterfeit $20 bill.
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Today-----------Actor-Singer Herb Jeffries is 99, Actress Sheila MacRae is 86, Rhythm -and Blues Singer Sonny Turner (The Platters) is 71, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer John Mackey is 69, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 68, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 64 and TV News Anchor Lou Dobbs is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------Oh NOOOOOOO!
The worried young housewife and mother hobbled to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, sweetheart? .....What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into uncontrollable tears and sobs, "I'm having such a miserable day. The baby won't eat and I fell down and sprained my ankle. I can't get the washing machine to work. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and on top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have three couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once full of sympathy and compassion.
"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes for a moment. Give me a list of what you need at the store and I'll do the shopping and come right over. I'll feed the baby, clean up the house, and fix dinner for you. And, sweetheart, don't worry about the washer, I know a repairman who owes me a favor and will come right over and fix it.
"Now stop crying, I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll call Marty at the office and ask him if he can come home early and help out."
"Marty?!" said the young mother, "Who is Marty?"
"Why Marty, your husband. Isn't this 555-2337?"
"No, this is 555-2336."
"On dear, I'm sorry. I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause before the housewife sobbed, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
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In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, AR., because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.
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Today------Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 67, Actor Robert Walden is 67, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 66, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 63, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 61, Actor-director Anson Williams is 61 and Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 81.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------I need friends like this guy.
An American businesswoman concluded a deal which earned an Arabian Sheik $20 million. As she was preparing to leave, the sheik offered her diamonds and rubies and a silver-plated Rolls Royce in gratitude, but she declined. The sheik insisted on giving her some reward, so she said that she had just started playing golf, and a set of golf clubs would be nice.
A few weeks later, she received an e-mail from the sheik stating, "I have purchased for you three golf clubs. I hope you won't be too disappointed, but only two of them have Olympic-sized swimming pools. I also took the liberty of hiring a staff to handle all the operations.
Enjoy."
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In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States secretary of state; John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.
In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.
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Today-----Retired Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 85, South African nationalist Winnie Mandela is 74, Country Singer David Frizzell is 69, Actor Kent McCord is 68, Singer Lynn Anderson is 63, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 62, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 62 and Fitness expert Jack LaLanne is 96.
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Larryj
In reference to pitcher Bobby Shantz being 85 years old: He and his brother Wilmer were a rarity in major league baseball.
They formed a battery for the Kansas City Athletics, that is, Bobby was the pitcher and Wilmer was the catcher.
Today's----------------------ooooooooooooh!
Three friends ----- a lawyer, a doctor and a minister ----- went hunting. The three spotted and shot a big buck simultaneously. Upon reaching the big-racked buck, they discovered that it appeared to have but one bullet hole.
Obviously, a debate ensued. After all, what are the odds that three individuals, not only fire at the same time, but each of their bullets take the same, exact trajectory? Whose buck was it? Each wanted to claim it as his own. No give or take.
An hour into the discussion, a game warden happened to come by and asked if there was a problem. Advised of the situation, and checking each hunter's identification and ensuring that each had a valid hunting license, the game warden examined the deer and said, "Well, my friends, I can tell you exactly whose buck it is ---- this prize buck is the minister's. Why? Simple. Like many of his sermons, the bullet went in one ear and out the other."
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In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ., prior to Miller's entry into the Army.
In 1964, the government publicly released the report of the Warren Commission, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald had acted alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy.
In 1994, more than 350 Republican congressional candidates gathered on the steps of the Capitol to sign the "Contract with America," a 10-point platform they pledged to enact if voters sent a GOP majority to the House.
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Today-----Actress Jayne Meadows is 90, Actress Sada Thompson is 81, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 77, Actor Wilford Brimley is 76, Singer-musician Randy Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 67, Rock Singer Meat Loaf is 63, Actress Liz Torres is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 61 and Producer of "Soul Train" Don Cornelius is 74.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------frustrating
My neighbor just obtained new health insurance and wanted to make an appointment with an orthopedic doctor after injuring his shoulder.
He was told the wait would be at least three weeks. Two weeks into the wait the agony was unbearable with searing pain shooting down his arms, across his back and chest. He called once again to beg for an appointment.
The hospital administrator was sympathetic to be sure, but emphasized that there just weren't any cancellations. She suggested going to the emergency room and getting some pain pills.......my neighbor interrupted and asked, "Let me ask you a question. If the president called and said he hurt his shoulder, would you be able to see him today?"
"Yes," she laughed, "that's a silly question."
"Excuse me," my neighbor said, "will you please hold the line for just a moment?" and he hit the mute button.
Seconds later, he came back on the line and said, "I just spoke with the president. He said HIS shoulder is feeling much, much better and that I can have HIS appointment."
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In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in what became known as the "Black Sox" scandal. (Despite initial confessions by several of the players, all were acquitted at trial; still, all eight were banned from baseball for life.)
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Today-----------------Actor William Windom is 87, Actress Brigitte Bardot is 76, Singer Ben E. King is 72, Actor Joel Higgins is 67, Singer Helen Shapiro is 64 and Movie -writer-director-actor John Sayles is 60.
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Larryj
Today's------------Oh my! Oh no!
Jason was a little boy who lived on a farm which utilized an outhouse.
Jason didn't much care for the accommodation, because of the less-than-desirable odor. The outhouse was located on the edge of the creek, and Jason vowed that one day he would push the objectionable structure into the creek.
The very next week, after a late summer rain, Jason decided it was time to give the outhouse a bath. He pushed and grunted and pushed harder until the "house" slid into the creek. Jason turned and ran as fast as he could away from the scene.
That evening, his father told Jason that they were going to the woodshed. Knowing that this meant a spanking, he asked why. His dad replied, "well, today, someone pushed the outhouse into the creek, and that someone was you, was it not?"
Jason admitted that he did it but said, "Dad, I read in school that when George Washington was a little boy, he chopped down a cherry tree but didn't get in trouble because he told the truth."
"Yes, son, I am familiar with that story. But the difference is that George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the tree!"
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In 1960, the situation comedy "My Three Sons," starring Fred McMurray, premiered on ABC.
In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. (To this date the case remains unsolved.)
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Today----------Actress Elizabeth Scott is 88, Actor Steve Forrest is 86, Actress Anita Ekberg is 79, Actor Eddie Barth is 79, Actor Ian McShane is 68, Jazz musician Jean-Luc Ponty is 68, Actress Patricia Hodge is 64, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 62, Country Singer Alvin Crow is 60 and Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 75.
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Larryj
Today's--------------yeah, that's what I learned in medic school in the Army.
"Why are you late?" asked Connie's boss in the advertising department.
"Oh, it was awful," Connie began to explain. "I was walking along University Avenue and there was a terrible accident. A guy was thrown from his motorcycle and he was laying in the middle of the street.
"He had a compound fracture in his left upper leg, a fractured skull and deep facial lacerations across his forehead and down the right side of his face extending to his neck.
"His left forearm was broken and several of his teeth had been knocked out," Connie said authoritatively, "with head and facial wounds there was a lot of blood everywhere..............thank God I took that first-aid class."
"Wow," her boss said, obviously impressed by her medical expertise. "What did you do?"
"I sat right down on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting."
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In 1809, a treaty was signed by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison and representatives of four Indian tribes sold some 3 million acres of land to be used for U.S. settlements.
In 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether for the first time as an anesthetic as he extracted a ulcerated tooth from merchant Eben Frost.
In 1955, Actor James Dean,24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame, CA.
In 1960, "The Flintstones," network television's first animated prime-time series debuted on ABC.
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Today------------------Author Elle Weisel is 82, Singer Cissy Houston is 77, Singer Johnny Mathis is 75, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 67, Actress Victoria Tennant is 60 and Actress Angie Dickinson is 79.
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Heard today------------Actor Tony Curtis passed away at age 85.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Geez, lady!
In the bustling admissions area of the hospital some patrons were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitatingly entered a hospital employee's cubicle and sat down. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon request, handed the employee her insurance cards. The employee typed in the necessary information and then asked the woman her reason for coming to the hospital.
"Well, I just came to see a friend," the woman said quietly, "but all this has taken so long, I'm not sure I have the time now."
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In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring magnitude 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.
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Today--------------Former President Jimmy Carter is 86, Actor Tom Bosley is 83, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 75, Actress Stella Stephens is 72, Baseball Hall-of-famer Rod Carew is 65, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 64 and Actor Randy Quaid is 60.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------she paid attention
Ever since Mylla was old enough to understand, her mother, aunt and grandmother, Carol, have stressed the importance of utilizing the paper sanitary shields on the toilet seat before sitting down in an unfamiliar or public facility.
Shortly after the family moved to a new home, Mylla and her grandmother were in the kitchen fixing lunch when Mylla announced that she had to go to the bathroom.
Carol heard the latch on the bathroom click and went on about her chores. A little while later, Mylla had yet to return so she called out, "Mylla, are you OK?"
Mylla said yes and went back to her business.
Sometime later, still no Mylla. Carol went to the bathroom door and called out, "Mylla, are you all right?"
"Yes, grandma, I'm fine."
So, back to the kitchen. Then after a little while longer, still no Mylla. By this time, Carol needed some visual assurance, so she instructed Mylla to unlock the door so she could see what she was doing.
Mylla, of course, complied and Carol opened the door and looked inside. There on the floor were several empty toilet tissue rolls, and there was Mylla with a new roll of toilet paper in hand, tearing one sheet off at a time and placing each individual piece at least four or five pieces deep neatly around the toilet seat.
Mylla was making her own protection.
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In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.
In 1919, President Wilson suffered a serious stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts" created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.
In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court as the court opened its new term.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverly Hills at age 59 after battling AIDS.
In 1990, the Senate voted 90-9 to confirm the nomination of Judge David H. Souter to the Supreme Court.
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Today-----------Country singer-musician Leon Rausch (Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys) is 83, Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 78, Movie critic Rex Reed is 72, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 65 and Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 62.
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Also heard-----------Author Writer Producer Stephen J. Cannell died at his Pasadena home at age 69 of complications from skin cancer. He wrote "The Rockford Files" and "The A-Team" for TV as well as other things.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------a humorous look at a "hot potato" issue
I am quite aware of the opposition to the mosque and those who support its being built in close proximity to the insidious terrorist attack on Sept. 11, 2001.
If the construction proceeds I strongly suggest that Muslims show their toleration by allowing a topless bar called, "You Mecca Me Hot" right across the street. Next to that, obviously to be fair and non-discriminatory, should be a gay establishment called, "The Turban Cowboy."
And next door to the "community center" mosque should be a pork rib restaurant called, "I Rack 'o' Ribs."
Problem solved.
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In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trail found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman. (However, Simpson was later found liable in a civil trial.)
In 2008, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two sports memorabilia dealers at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room. (Simpson was later sentenced to nine to 33 years in prison.)
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Today---------------Basketball player Marques Haynes is 84, Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 69, Actor Alan Rachins is 68, Magician Roy Horn is 66, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 61 and Author Gore Vidal is 85.
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Larryj
Today's-------------yeah, so there.
Following a series of stories on religion,, a church member wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.
"I've gone to church for 30 years now," he wrote, " and in that time I have heard something on the order of 30,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" section, much to the delight of the editor. The pros and cons dialogue went on for weeks until someone wrote the following clincher:
"I've been married for 30 years. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I likely would be dead today."
No more letters on the subject were received.
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, PA., resulting in heavy American casualties.
In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy" created by Chester Gould, made its debut.
In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.
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Today----------Country Singer Leroy Van Dyke is 81, Actor Eddie Applegate is 75, Actress Felicia Farr is 75, Author Jackie Collins is 73, Author Roy Blount, Jr. is 69, Author Ann Rice is 69, Baseball Manager Tony La Russa is 66, Actor Clifton Davis is 65 . Actress Susan Sarandon is 64 and Actor Armand Assante is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------you are going to love this one
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged and the other is single. I have been married twenty years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Following are the results:
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.
My single friend: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and a mask. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had a wild session all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and mask. When he came through the door and saw me he said.....................
Wait for it
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.
In 1921, the World Series was covered live on radio for the first time as Newark, NJ. station WJZ relayed reports from the Polo Grounds, where the New York Giants were facing the New York Yankees. (Although the Yankees won the opener, 3-0, the Giants won the series,.
In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the United States, succeeding Fred M. Vinson.
In 1962, the Beatles' first his recording, "Love Me Do", was originally released in the United Kingdom.
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Today--------------"Family Circus" cartoonist Bill Keane is 88, Actress Glynis Johns is 87, Comedian Bill Dana is 86, Singe-musician Steve Miller is 67, Actor Jeff Conaway is 60 and Rock Singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------I saw bears in Yellowstone while camping there.
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy ---- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it doesn't climb after you, but SHAKES the tree until you fall out, that's a grizzly."
The husband reported that the motel room was quite nice.
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In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.
IN 1927, the era of "talkies" arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer" starring Al Jolson.
In 1960, the historical drama "Spartacus," starring Kirk Douglas and directed by Stanley Kubrick had its world premiere in New York.
In 1989, Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.
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Today-------------Actress Britt Ekland is 68, Singer Millie Small is 64 and Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------hmmm
A mother and baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well, my darling, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Cool!," said the son. A few minutes later, the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"Well, they are there to keep the sand out of your eyes when the wind blows on the trips across the desert."
"Gosh, thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son again returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with her inquisitive son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"Geez, what you've told me is just great, Mom. So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking........and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes......and these humps to store water.........so, Mom........"
"Yes, what is it now>"
"Why in the heck are we here in the San Diego Zoo?"
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IN 1777, the second Battle of Saratoga began during the American Revolution. (British forces under Gen. John Burgoyne surrendered ten days later.)
In 1858, the fifth debate between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place in Galesburg.
In 1940, Artie Shaw and his Orchestra recorded Hoagy Carmichael's "Stardust" for RCA Victor.
In 1960, Democratic candidate John F. Kennedy and Republican opponent Richard M. Nixon held their second televised debate, in Washington, D.C.
and
The TV series "Route 66" premiered on CBS.
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Today---Comedian Joy Behar ("The View") is 68, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 67, Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 63 and retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 79.
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Larryj
Today's-------------guess where this guy is not sleeping tonight
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the recent hot spell. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.
"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town so you go inside and figure dinner out yourself!"
So he shrugged his shoulders and went back in the house. He fixed himself a nice salad, a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and vegetables and a tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Oh, you're here? I thought you were out of town."
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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo, WI., and in several communities in Michigan.
In 1918, American Sgt. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.
In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5, 2-0.
In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.
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Today-------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 74, Actor Paul Hogan is 71, Civil Rights Activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 69, Comedian Chevy Chase is 67, Country Singer Susan Raye is 66, TV personality Sarah Purcell is 62 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------------win some, lose some
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.
Her parents who happen to be loyal, liberal progressives, smiled broadly as they put their arms around each other.
"If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride.
"Wow--------what a worthy goal!" I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep the driveway and sidewalk, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the liquor store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and housing."
She thought that over for a few seconds, the she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
In said, "Whoa, now you're thinking like a conservative."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
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In 1701, the Collegiate School of Connecticut ---- later Yale ----- was chartered.
In 776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.
In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, N.Y., to Glendale, CA.
In 1940, rock 'n' roll legend John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England. (His son, Sean, was born on this day, 1975.)
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Today--------------------Rhythm and Blues singer Nona Hendryx is 66 and Singer Jackson Browne is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------it's a beautiful Sunday---
Two pastor's wives were visiting while sewing their husbands' pants. One wife sighed and said, "My husband is just beside himself -- he doesn't know what to do anymore. And he is so tired and depressed. He said he is ready to just give up and resign from the ministry."
The other pastor's wife said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. It seems so odd, but my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden. We have such a large and loving congregation. Life just couldn't be any better than it is right now."
By the way, the first woman was mending the seat of her husband's pants; the other woman was mending the knees.
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In 1980, Former child actor Billie Thomas who played "Buckwheat" in the "Our Gang" film shorts, died in Los Angeles at age 49.
In 1985, Actor Yul Brynner died in New York at age 65.
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Today--------------Actor Peter Coyote is 69, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 64, Actor Charles Dance is 64, Actress Jessica Harper is 61 and Author Nora Roberts (aka-"J.D. Robb") is 60
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Larryj
Today's--------------ya gotta watch those guys from Chicago
Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C. A well-known government financial official was in charge of the affair.
The first contractor, from Florida, took out a tape measure, measured this and that, then pulled out a tablet and began totalling the costs.
"Well," he said, "I figure the job will cost $150,000; $50,000 for materials, $50,000 for my crew and $50,000 profit for me."
A contractor from Alabama also does the measuring and figuring, then announced, "I can do this job for $100,000: $50,000 for materials, $25,000 for my crew and $25,000 profit for me."
The contractor from Chicago leans over to the White House official and whispers, "Eight hundred thousand dollars."
The politician somewhat incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure anything. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$350,000 for you, $350,000 for me and we hire the guy from Alabama to fix the fence."
"My friend, you have a deal!" the politician replied.
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In 1809, just over three years after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition ended, Meriwether Lewis was found dead in a Tennessee inn; an apparent suicide; he was 35.
In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis, MO. (The pilot of the Wright Flyer that Roosevelt flew aboard, Arch Hoxsey, was killed in a crash more than a month and a half later.)
In 1975, "NBC Saturday Night" (later "Saturday Night Live") made its debut with guest host George Carlin.
In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.
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Today----------------Actor Earle Hyman is 84, Actor Ron Leibman is 73, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 68 and Country Singer Gene Watson is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------be careful what you ask for.
"Hey! What in the heck is this mess?" roared the angry customer seated at the coffee shop counter as he pointed to his thoroughly squashed doughnut.
"Excuse me, sir," the waitress said politely, "but that's exactly what you ordered."
"What are you talking about?" hissed the customer.
"You told me implicitly to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it!"
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In 1492, (according to the Old Style Calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.
In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang who killed the sheriff.
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Today----------Actress Antonia Rey is 83, Comedian-Activist Dick Gregory is 78, Singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 75, Broadcast Journalist Chris Wallace is 63 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 60.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Okaaaaaay
A magician called a man from the audience up on the stage and handed him a large wooden mallet. He looked at the man squarely in the eyes and instructed the guy to hit him on the head just as hard as he could.
The magician bent over and put his head on a table and told the man, "OK, DO IT!"
The man looked at the audience, shrugged his shoulders, then took a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician awakens from a coma in the hospital, sits up and says, "Ta-dah!"
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In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.
In 1962, Edward Albee's play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" opened on Broadway.
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Today------------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 85, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 69, Country singer Lacy J. Dalton is 64 and Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 63.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------logical
At a cocktail party one evening, an English professor was asked whether he preferred beer or wine.
His response was, "Oh, wine, wine by all means. In all honesty, I must say that, to me, it's the nectar of the gods.
"Just gazing at it shimmering in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
"When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is gently poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted to soar on the wings of ecstasy.
"It seems as though I am about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world..
"Beer, however, makes me pass gas."
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In 1912, Theodore Roosevelt campaigning for the presidency, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee. Despite the wound, he went ahead with a scheduled speech.
In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1) rocket plane over Muroc Dry Lake in California.
In 1987, a 58-hour drama began in Midland, Texas, as 18-month-old Jessica McClure slid 22 feet down an abandoned well at a private day care center; she was rescued on Oct. 16.
IN 1990, composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.
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Today---------------Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 94, Actor Roger Moore is 83, Former White House counsel John W. Dean III is 72, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 72, Fashion Designer Ralph Lauren is 71 and Singer-musician Justin Hayward (The Moody Blues) is 64.
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Today's--------------------------sounds like a repeat-----
Julio had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the crowded locker room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his pals happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's lacy panties.
"Hey, Julio," his friend across the room called out much louder than necessary, "How long have ya' been playing golf in women's underwear?"
"How long?" I'll tell you how long, wise guy ....... ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from playing a round of golf last spring."
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In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard. (The rest, as they say, is history.)
In 1917, Dutch dancer Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.
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Today-----------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 86, Actress Linda Lavin is 73, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 68, Baseball Hall-of-famer Jim Palmer is 65 and Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------ooopsies
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called a "campaign" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
The plan was successful, too-------------------------------------
The young lady fell in love with, and married. the UPS driver.
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In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.
In 1995, a vast throng of black men gathered in Washington, D.C., for the "Million Man March" led by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.
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Today------------------------Former presidential adviser Charles W. Colson is 79, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 73, Actor Barry Corbin is 70, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 69, Actress Suzanne Somers is 64, Producer-Director David Zucker is 63 and Actress Angela Lansbury is 85.
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Today's-------------------from the archives
Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course, sank to the bottom. After ten laps, the guy with no legs won the race and everyone applauded, well, except the guy with no arms.
Noticing bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, the guy with no legs dove down and brought the head up and sat him on the side of the pool. Coughing and sputtering, the head finally gained his composure and then turning red in the face, began shouting about how he had trained for years learning to swim with his ears and then two minutes before the race, some clown slipped a swimming cap on him.
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In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion. (Sentenced to 11 years, Capone was in released in 1939.)
In 1933. Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.
In 1973, Arab-oil producing states announced they would begin cutting back on oil exports to Western nations and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.
In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage.
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Today----------------Actress Marsha Hunt is 93, Actress Julie Adams is 84, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 80, Country Singer Earl Thomas Conley is 69, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Croft) is 68, Singer Gary Puckett is 68, Actor Michael McKean is 63, Actress Margot Kidder is 62 and Actor George Wendt is 62.
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Sadly, Actress Barbara Billingsley (June Cleaver from "Leave it to Beaver") passed away Saturday at age 94.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Hah
Some years ago, the chaplain for the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent game.
"I lost me temper," the player said in a thick Irish brogue, adding, "and I said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," said the priest softly. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched another one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest declared, making another chalk mark.
"There's more," the player said somewhat unashamedly, "As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the 'sensitive' area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist, Father."
"Ah......well," said the priest as he wiped the marks off his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
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In 1858, the play "Our American Cousin" by Tom Taylor premiered at Laura Keene's New York theater.
In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.
In 1892, the first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened (it could only handle one call at a time.)
In 1931, inventor Thomas Alva Edison died at West Orange, NJ at age 84,
In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, Missouri.
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Today-------------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 84, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 82, Actress Dawn Wells is 72, College and Pro Hall-of-famer Mike Ditka is 71, Actor Joe Morton is 63 and Actress Pam Dawber is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-----------why would he want to leave?
Two men were sitting side by side on an airplane flying from Kansas to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to L.A. "I've never been there, but I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about L.A. is bad --- smog, traffic, and worst of all, getting shot and robbed, things stolen, carjackings, and everyone hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in L.A. myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find L.A. is just like any other city, anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in L.A. -- what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
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In 1765, the Stamp Act Congress, meeting in New York, drew up a declaration of rights and liberties.
In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba as President Dwight D. Eisenhower banned exports to the communist-ruled nation covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain food products.
In 1960, the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was arrested during a sit-down protest at a lunch counter in Atlanta. (Sent to prison for a parole violation over a traffic offense, King was released after three days following an appeal by Robert F. Kennedy.)
In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value.
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Today------------------Author John Le Carre is 79, Artist Peter Max is 73, Actor Michael Gambon is 70. Actor John Lithgow is 65, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 65 and Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 65.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------wow! talk about a play on words.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the U.K., uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today's shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff members at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore at Leyte in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."
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Today--------------Actor William Christopher is 78, Rock Singer Tom Petty is 60 and Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 73.
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Sadly------------Tom Bosley (Howard Cunningham on "Happy Days") passed away on Tuesday at age 83.
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Larryj
Oh, groan. I need to go lie down! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D I love that kind of thing.
Today's-----------------old but funny and probably more true than not
While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my friend the other day, I think he may have found a solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.
Let's take care of the young people, unemployed and illegal aliens. After all, it seems they are more deserving.
So here is the solution.
When you turn 70, you get a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot (superficially wound, not kill) two senators and two congressmen.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!
New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that has suggested that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax. And what with prison overcrowding, we'll likely end up in the same prison and have one heck of a social life.
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In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon nominated Lewis F. Powell and William H. Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1985, former San Francisco Supervisor Dan White who'd served five years in prison for killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights advocate, was found dead in a garage, a suicide.
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Today-----------Actress Joyce Randolph is 86, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 70, Singer Elvin Bishop is 68,. Actor Everett McGill is 65 and TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 68.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------no comment needed
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Perhaps it will leave you speechless and just shaking your head.
1. Regarding the identify of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim................I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you could contact the local BMW dealers in this area and see if he has had it replaced.
3. I cannot tell you the name of Child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn by doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
4. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
5. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146.....Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
6. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one (gave you gas.)
7 I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
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In 1928, Republican presidential nominee Herbert Hoover spoke of the "American system of rugged individualism" in a speech at New York's Madison Square Garden.
In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment shipped to Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet-built missile bases on the island.
In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.
In 1986, President Ronald Reagan signed into law sweeping tax-overhaul legislation.
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Today-------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 93, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 72, Actress Annette Funicello is 68 and Actress Catherine Deneuve is 67.
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Larryj
Today's------------so much for the power of suggestion
This is a story about two couples who regularly played golf together at their club. On the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.
One of the women, Sheila Bartholomewland, for more than a year, could never hit the ball over the water and each time the ball would drop somewhere near the center of the hazard.
She, as everyone agreed, was completely psyched out by the presence of water.
Her friend in the quartet suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety that consumed her whenever she neared the water.
So Sheila went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, Sheila was hypnotized and the therapist "planted suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.
About six months later a woman at the club asked whatever happened to the legendary Mrs. Bartholomewland -- after all the dear woman hadn't been seen playing golf at the club in more than four months.
The inquisitive lady was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Sheila Bartholomewland had drowned at the first leg of the sixth hole.
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In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by the Watergate special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.
In 1983, 241 U.S. service members were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack on French forces killed 58 paratroopers.
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Today--------------Movie Director Philip Kaufman is 74, Soccer great Pele is 70 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Barbara Ann Hawkins (The Dixie Cups) is 67.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------from the archives
TOP TEN BOOKS DOCTORS READ
10. How To Turn a Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home
9. Your Waiting Room's a Financial Bonanza: The Simple Use of Vending Machines & Pay-Per-View TV
8. All the Things that 9 out of 10 of Us Recommend
7. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It
6. There's Big Money in Second Opinions
5. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans" -- The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases.
4. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Chronically Sick
3. Recurring Revenue: Getting Your Share of the Hypochondriac Market!
2. How to Convince a Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery of Available Diagnostic Tests
1. 101 Places to Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room
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In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect. (On this date in 1949, construction began on U.N. Headquarters in New York.)
In 2002, authorities arrested Army veteran John Allen Muhammad and teenager Lee Boyd Malvo near Myersville, MD, in connection with the Washington-area sniper attacks.
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Today-----------------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 84, Rock Musician Bill Wyman is 74, Actor-producer David Nelson is 74, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 71 and Actor Kevin Kline is 63.
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Larryj
Today's------------------Ha!
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down the country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haven dahin gesheissen."
Which means: (Don't drink the water; the cows poo-poo in it.)
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and I'm down here campaigning for raises for Congress and senators, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use both hands; you'll get more water that way."
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In 1859. radical abolitionist John Brown went on trial in Charles Town, VA., for his failed raid at Harper's Ferry. (Brown was convicted and hanged.)
In 1971, the U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan.
In 1983, a U.S. led force invaded Grenada at the order of President Ronald Reagan, who said the action was needed to protect U.S. citizens there.
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Today------Actress Joanne Cooper is 82, Country Singer Jeanne Black is 73, Basketball Hall-of-famer Bobby Knight is 70, Author Anne Tyler is 69 and Actress Marion Ross is 82.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------gotta read this one slowly and carefully
FUN FOR TUESDAY
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon Vu -- the same mustard as before
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments
Shotgun wedding -- a case of wife or death
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away)
Time flies like a arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
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In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona, as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang. Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.
In 1942, Japanese planes badly damaged the aircraft carrier USS Hornet in the Battle of Santa Cruz Islands during World War II. (The Hornet sank early the next morning.)
In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.
In 1984, "Baby Fae" a newborn with a sever heart defect, was given the heart of a baboon in an experimental transplant in Loma Linda. (Baby Fae lived 21 days with the animal heart.)
In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.
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Today-------------Actress Shelley Morrison is 74, Actor Bob Hoskins is 68, Author Pat Conroy is 65, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 65, TV Host Pat Sajak is 64 and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is 63.
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Larryj
HA! I just love those. Thank you. :D
Today's--------------------------------an ooopsie
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.
"15 percent flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in."
"MORE FLAPS! MORE FLAPS! Hold on! Hit the brakes now! HARD! HARD! HARDER!"
The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
"Wow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The co-pilot looks left and right and says, "Yeah, but look how WIDE it is."
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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution was published in New York.
In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.
In 1938, DuPont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn: "nylon."
In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio. (It later became a television show on NBC.)
In 1990, death claimed bandleader Xavier Cugat at age 90 and author Elliot Roosevelt at age 80.
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Today-------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 90, Actress Ruby Dee is 86, Former Secretary of State Warren M. Christopher is 85 and Actor-comedian John Cleese is 71.
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Larryj
Today's------------------doing what mama says
A boy took a girl our on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this, and continue to follow your mother's advice."
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In 1858, Rowland Hussey Macy opened his first New York store at Sixth Avenue and 14th Street in Manhattan.
In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
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Today---------------------Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 83, Actress Joan Plowright is 81, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 74, Singer Curtis Lee is 69, Actor Dennis Franz is 66 and Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------ouch
Once there was a pirate who visited his brother after a long separation.
The brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh, what happened to your hand?"
The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight, so now I have a hook."
Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"
The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it, so now I have a peg leg."
Then the brother said, "Well, what about your eye?"
The pirate said, "I got a little dust in it."
The brother said, "How could you lose your eye because of a little bit of dust?"
The pirate said, "It was the first day with my hook."
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In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.
In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression.
In 1956, "The Huntley-Brinkley Report" premiered as NBC's nightly newscast.
In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.
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Today--------------Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne (The Osborne Brothers) is 73, Country singer Lee Clayton is 68, Singer Melba Moore is 65, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 63 and Actress Kate Jackson is 63.
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Sadly, James MacArthur, co-star on Hawaii 50, "Danno" died of natural causes at age 72. He so-starred with Jack Lord who always said at the end of the show, "Book 'em, Danno". Jack Lord died in 1998.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------scary
One dark night, two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Suddenly, they were startled out of their wits by a loud hammering sound.
They swerved to look and saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "We thought you were a GHOST! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Darned fools," grumbled the old man, "They misspelled my name!"
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In 1735, the second president of the United States, John Adams, was born in Braintree, Mass.
In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.
In 1945, the U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.
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Today----------Actor Dick Gautier is 73, Rock Singer Grace Slick is 71, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 71, Actor Ed Lauter is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 69, Actor Henry Winkler is 65 and Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------from the archives
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
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In 1860, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A, was born in Savannah, GA.
In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.
In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.
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Today-------Actress Lee Grant is 83, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 80, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 73, Actress Sally Kirkland is 69, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 68, Actor Stephen Rea is 64, Olympic gold medalist distance runner Frank Shorter is 63, Actress Diedre Hall is 62, Talk show host Jane Pauley is 60 and ex-CBS News anchorman Dan Rather is 79.
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Larryj
Today's-----------these sound really familiar
SOME OBSERVATIONS ON MATURING
It's harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around.
Your kids are becoming you....and you don't like them..............but your grandchildren are perfect.
Going out is good, coming home is better.
You forget names....but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.
Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "Off" switch.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it already.
You notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin, nose and ears need attention daily.
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
It seems everybody whispers.
You use the four letter word a lot------------what?
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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.
In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.
In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.
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Today------------Actress Betsy Palmer is 84, Golfer Gary Player is 75, Country singer Bill Anderson is 73, Actress Barbara Bosson is 71, Actor Robert Foxworth is 69, Actress Marcia Wallace is 68, Magazine publisher Larry Flint is 68, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 66 and Actress Jeannie Berlin is 61.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------I need to move
A student decided to conduct a survey for a class. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people so he started out a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John," replied the man.
"Sir, what is your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath."
He liked the esoteric answer and continued.
The second man said his name and answered, "Oh, sure, it's watching bubbles in the bath."
Somewhat amused but quite confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath."
He left the building and walked across the street and he went to the first house. He knocked and a very attractive college girl opened the door. The student began again -- "What is your name?"
"Bubbles."
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, NJ.
In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.
In 1920, radio station KDKA in Pittsburgh broadcast returns from the Harding-Cox presidential election.
In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors), on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman surprised the experts by winning a narrow upset over Republican challenger Thomas E. Dewey.
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Today--------------------------Rhythm-and-blues singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters) is 73, Singer Jay Black (Jay and the Americans) is 72, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 72, Actress Stephanie Powers is 68, Rock Musician Keith Emerson (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 66, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 65 and Actress Kate Linder is 63
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------------old, but--------------old
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "Now, then, we will have an experiment in this class on the current administration's plan. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A."
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride, too, so they studied little.
The second test grade average was a D. No one was happy.
When the third test rolled around, the average was an F -- all failed.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings. The ones who once studied hard were labeled "enemies" as they refused to study for the benefit of anyone else.
The professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because, when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when all the reward is taken away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Couldn't be any simpler than that.
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In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson soundly defeated Republican Barry Goldwater to win a White House term in his own right.
In 1979, five Communist Worker's Party members were killed in a clash with heavily armed Ku Klux Klansmen and neo-Nazis during an anti-Klan protest in Greensboro, N.C.
In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair began to come to light as Ash-Shiraa, a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine, first broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.
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Today--------------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Feller is 92, Actress Lois Smith is 80, Actor-Dancer Ken Berry is 77, Movie composer John Barry is 77 and Singer Lulu is 62.
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Larryj
Today's---------from the archives--I am going to cancel my subscription if they don't put the jokes in.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
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In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some it was the start of 444 days of captivity.
In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.
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Today-------------Actress Loretta Swit is 73, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 64, Actress Markie Post is 60 and Actress Doris Roberts is 80.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------Oh!
A colleague was invited to present a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage.
This man had a terrific success. People laughed and applauded vigorously. And, although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was being said, he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No, no, sir. You must not applaud."
Dumbfounded, he asked, "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No, sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
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In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to vote for President Ulysses S. Grant. (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but never paid the fine.)
In 1935, Parker Brothers began marketing the board game "Monopoly."
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Wilkie.
In 1968, Richard M. Nixon won the presidency, defeating Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey and American Independent candidate George C. Wallace.
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Today------------Actress Elke Sommer is 70, Singer Art Garfunkel is 69, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 67 and Singer Peter Noone is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-----would you believe it? Two days ago I pulled a joke from the archives, because none appeared in my paper. Today, that same joke is in the paper! Anyway, here is today's.
The Queens Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please ... send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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in 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency; John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election, defeating Democrat Adlai Stevenson.
In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot in southern California was destroyed in an arson fire.
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Today-----------Director Mike Nichols is 79, Country Singer Stonewall Jackson is 78, Singer P.J. Proby is 72, Country singer Guy Clark is 69, Actress Sally Field is 64 and Singer-musician Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-------------would you believe? They get their jokes from the same place I do.......the one in the paper today is the one I posted two days ago! Oh well. Today's is a groaner.
A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
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In 1893, the state of Colorado granted its women the right to vote.
In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico at age 50.
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Today---------Actor Barry Newman is 72, Singer Johnny Rivers is 68 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 67.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------old, but one of my favorites
A recently divorced executive picks up his brand-new Corvette convertible and drives out of the car dealership. As he is going down the freeway, he decides to see what his new toy can do. He increases his speed to 90 mph, enjoying the wind whipping through the little hair he has left on his head. "Amazing" he says to himself. He jams the pedal down even more and starts clocking 100, then 120. Then he looks in his rear view mirror and see a highway patrolman right behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He pulls over. The officer pulls in behind him, walks up to the Corvette, looks at his watch and says, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me one good reason for your speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go on your way." The executive pauses, then says, "Sir, my wife recently ran off with a highway patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back to me!" The officer says, "Very well, sir. Enjoy the rest of you drive!"
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In 1860, the Stephen Foster song "Old Black Joe" was copyrighted.
In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.
In 1935, the movies "Mutiny of the Bounty," starring Clark Gable and Charles Laughton, and " A Night at the Opera" starring the Marx Brothers, premiered in New York.
In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.
In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA., announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager 1 had discovered a 15th moon orbiting the planet Saturn.
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Today---------------Singer Patti Page is 83, CBS Newsman Morley Safer is 79, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 61 and TV personality Mary Hart is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------oooooh!
There was a man who had a parrot that was always embarrassing him by cussing and other stuff like that.
So one day the man took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer. In a few minutes the squawking stopped.
The man checked the freezer, and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop the cussing, but I have one question."
The man said, "OK, what?"
The parrot says, "What did the turkey do?"
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In 1965, the great Northeast blackout occurred as a series of power failures lasting up to 13 1/2 hours left 30 million people in seven states and part of Canada without electricity.
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Today----------Former Democratic vice-presidential candidate R. Sargent Shriver is 95, Baseball Hall-of-famer Whitey Herzog is 79, Baseball Hall-of-famer Bob Gibson is 75, Actor Charlie Robinson is 65 and Actor Robert David Hall (CSI) is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------good thinking
An elderly couple were tired of being ignored by their grown children. On Thanksgiving week the man calls the couple's son and says, "Your mother and I are getting a divorce." The shocked son calls his sister who says, "I'll handle this." The daughter calls her father and says, "Don't do ANYTHING until my brother and I get there. We'll be there Wednesday night."
The old man says, "All right," then hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
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In 1775, (thinking of ya, Jarhead) the U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.
In 1938, Kate Smith first sang Irving Berlin's "God Bless America" on her CBS radio program.
In 1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial , depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Virginia.
In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Education Television (later PBS.)
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Today-------Actor Russell Johnson is 86, Country singer Donna Fargo is 69, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 63, Actor Jack Scalia is 60 and American Indian activist Russell Means is 71.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------funnnnny
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talkin', OK?" Well, they finished their beers, and each man put a label on his forehead. When they reached the checkpoint, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" Earl replied, "No, sir. We're on the patch!"
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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick."
In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who'd led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Virginia.
In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in a ceremony presided over by President Warren G. Harding.
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Today----------Comedian Jonathon Winters is 85, Jazz Singer-musician Mose Allison is 83, Author Carlos Fuentes is 82, Actress Bibi Andersson is 75 and Country Singer Narvel Felts is 72.
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Larryj
Today's---------------OUCH!
My name is Alice Smith and I always thought I looked good for my age.
Until today.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
To make conversation, though, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, I did," he said. Surprised, I asked, "When did you graduate?" He answered, "In 1967." I exclaimed, "Why, you were in my class! I didn't recognize you!"
He looked at me closely, then asked,------------
(wait for it)
"What did you teach?"
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In 1815, American suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton was born in Johnstown, NY.
In 1908, Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackman was born in Nashville, Tenn.
In 1942, the World War II naval battle of Guadalcanal began. (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)
In 1977, the city of New Orleans elected its first black mayor, Ernest "Dutch" Morial, the winner of a runoff.
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Today-------Rhythm-and-blues singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 71, Singer Brian Hyland is 67, Rock Musician Booker T. Jones (Booker T. and the MG's) is 66, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 66, Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 65 and Country/gospel singer Barbara Fairchild is 60.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------another redneck joke
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, do you wanna hear a good redneck story?"
The guy replies, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, and ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the fella next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The guy says, "Naw, you're right. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
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In 1909, 259 men and boys were killed when fire erupted inside a coal mine in Cherry, IL.
In 1927, the Holland Tunnel opened to the public, providing access between lower Manhattan and New Jersey beneath the Hudson River.
In 1940, the Walt Disney animated movie, "Fantasia" had its world premier in New York.
In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.
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Today------------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 88, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 76, Producer-director Garry Marshall is 76, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 69, Actor Joe Mantegna is 63 and Actress Sheila Frazier is 62.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------from the archives------stupid paper didn't get the joke in today
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick; Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.
In 1881, Charles J. Guiteau went on trial for assassinating President James A. Garfield. (Guiteau was convicted and hanged the following year.)
In 1910, Eugene B. Ely became the first aviator to takeoff from a ship as his Curtiss pusher rolled off a sloping platform on the deck of the scout cruiser USS Birmingham off Hampton Roads, VA.
IN 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
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Today------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 82, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 77, Jazz musician Ellis Marsalis is 76, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 63, Britain's Prince Charles is 62 and Rock singer-musician James Young (Styx) is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------GROANER!!!!!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant admiring a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops the eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
She joins him at his table and they finish dinner. Then they enjoy dessert. She pays for everything. Afterwards, they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. Again, she pays for everything. They talk, they laugh. She shares her deepest dreams with him. The guy is head-over-heels by now. What a great evening.
He confides in her, "You may be the finest woman I've ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
(here it comes)
She replies, "No. You just happened to catch my eye."
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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, a precursor to the Constitution of the United States.
In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Pikes Peak in present-day Colorado.
In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1966, the flight of Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin splashed down safely in the Atlantic Ocean.
In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.
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Today----------Judge Joseph Wapner is 91, Statesman Howard H. Baker, Jr. is 85, Actor John Kerr is 79. Singer Petula Clark is 78, Comedian Jack Burns is 77, Actress Joanna Barnes is 76, Actor Sam Waterson is 70, Singer Frida (ABBA) is 65 and Actor Ed Asner is 81.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------DUH!
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens will not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists and engineers spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees centigrade.
The Russians use a pencil.
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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.
In 1933. the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died in Los Angeles at age 59 shortly after he completed filming "The Misfits" with co-star Marilyn Monroe.
In 1982, an agreement was announced in the 57th day of a strike by National Football League players.
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Today-----------Actor Lou Gulager is 82, Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 75, Blues Musician W.C. Clark is 71, Actress Joanna Pettet is 68, Actor Steve Railsback is 65 and Actor David Leisure is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------old but still meaningful
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. I want you to prepare by reading Mark 17."
The following week, the minister asked for a show of hands. How many had read Mark 17?
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled wryly and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol Building.
In 1979, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini ordered the release of 13 black and/or female American hostages being held at the U.S. Embassy in Tehran.
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Today-----------------Rock Musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 73, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 72, Singer-Songwriter Bob Gaudio is 69, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 68, Actress Lauren Hutton is 67, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 66 and Baseball Hall-of-famer Tom Seaver is 66.
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Larryj
Today's----------whew!!
There were four expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" He says, "Well, what do you know? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's great!"
Later, the nurse comes out and tells the next father, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" He says, "Awesome, I work for 3M."
Later, the nurse comes out and tells the next father, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!" He says, "How perfect is that? I work for Channel 4!"
The next guy promptly jumps out the window. The horrified nurse cries, "Why did he do that?!"
The other fathers say, in unison, "He works for Seven-Up."
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In 1883, the United States and Canada adopted a system of standard time zones.
In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York.
In 1966, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent.
In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif, and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.
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Today-----------------Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 71, Actress Linda Evans is 68, Country singer Jacky Ward is 67, Actor Jameson Parker is 63 and Singer Graham Parker is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------funny
A preacher was completing his sermon on temperance, and with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
Then, with even greater emphasis he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
Finally, with a booming voice he cried, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
He sat down.
The choir director advanced to the podium and said, "Let us all rise for the singing of our closing hymn, 'Shall We Gather at the River!'"
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In 1794, the United States and Britain signed Jay's Treaty, which resolved some issues left over from the Revolutionary War.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.
In 1969, Apollo 12 astronauts Charles Conrad and Alan Bean made the second manned landing on the moon.
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Today---------Actor Alan Young is 91, Talk show host Larry King is 77, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 74, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 72, Fashion Designer Calvin Klein is 68, Sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 61 and Actor Dan Haggerty is 69.
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Larryj
Today's--------------old but seasonal
A turkey breeder spent years trying to create a better turkey. He knew that people are fond of turkey legs, and there are never enough to go around.
One day he announced, breathlessly to family and friends, "I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"
Someone asked him, "How does it taste?"
He replied, "I don't know. I can't catch it."
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In 1620, Peregrine White was born aboard the Mayflower in Massachusetts Bay; he was the first child born of English parents in present-day New England.
In 1969, a group of American Indian activists began a 19-month occupation of Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay.
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Today------------Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 85, Actress Estelle Parsons is 83, TV personality Richard Dawson is 78, comedian Dick Smothers is 72, Actress Veronica Hamel is 67, Broadcast Journalist Judy Woodruff is 64, Actor Samuel E. Wright is 64, Singer Joe Walsh is 63, Actor Richard Masur is 62 and Vice President Joe Biden is 68.
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Larryj
Today's-------------seasonal
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE EATEN TOO MUCH FOOD AT THANKSGIVING.
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
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In 1980, 87 people died in a fire at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas.
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Today----Baseball Hall-of-famer Stan Musial is 90, Country Singer Jean Shepard is 77, Actress Marlo Thomas is 73, Singer Dr. John is 70, Basketball Hall-of-famer Earl Monroe is 66 and Actress Goldie Hawn is 65.
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Larryj
lol
Today's----------------------another golden oldie
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher sternly said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they are very large, their throats are small.
The little girl said, "I know what the Bible says, and the Bible says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
The teacher, in a scolding voice, restated the fact that a whale cannot swallow a human. It's impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The flustered teacher retorted, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."
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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach, better known as 'Blackbeard' was killed off the Virginia coast.
In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda, carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, Texas. Texas governor John Connally, in the same car as Kennedy, was seriously wounded. Suspect Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.
In 1980, death claimed actress Mae West at her Hollywood residence at age 87.
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Today----------Actor Robert Vaughan is 78, Actor Michael Callan is 75, Actor Alan Garfield is 71, Actor Tom Conti is 69, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 69, Astronaut Guion Bluford is 68 and Tennis Hall-of-famer Billy Jean King is 67.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------this is an "ooooh" or an "ouch"
A new mother got on a bus holding her infant. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "That's terrible. He's a public servant, and he shouldn't be offending passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your dog!"
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In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco, at the Palais Royale Saloon.
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Today---------Actor Michael Gough is 93, Actor Franco Nero is 69, Actress Susan Anspach is 68 and Actor Steve Landesberg is 65.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Oh yeah-----
A couple finished a quick Sunday morning breakfast. The wife went upstairs, put on her Sunday church outfit, then returned to the kitchen. Her husband still was sitting at the table in his bathrobe, drinking another cup of coffee.
"Aren't you going to church this morning?" she asked.
"No, I'm never going to church again," he replied.
She said, with a gasp of disbelief, "Why?"
He said, "Look, there are people at that church who don't like me, and there are people at that church whom I don't like, and I'm not going any more, and there's no reason why I should."
She said, "Well, I can think of one. You're the preacher."
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In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.
In 1969, Apollo 12 splashed down safely in the Pacific.
In 1971, hijacker "D.B. Cooper" parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom--his fate remains unknown.
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Today----------Basketball Hall-of-famer Oscar Robertson is 72, Country Singer Johnny Carver is 70, Rock-and-roll drummer Pete Best is 69, Actor-comedian Billy Connelly is 68, Former White House News Secretary Marlin Fitzwater is 68 and Singer Lee Michaels is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------different take on an oldie
For years, three men were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed up on the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared and offered to grant each man a wish.
"I wish I was off this island and back with my family," said the first man and poof, he disappeared.
"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He vanished, poof, just like that.
The third man said, "I like it here. I have everything I want. But I'm starting to feel lonely. I want my two friends back."
Poof. Poof.
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In 1940, the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker made his debut in the animated short "Knock Knock."
In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery; his widow, first lady Jacqueline Kennedy, ignited an "eternal flame" at the grave site.
In 1980, Sugar Ray Leonard regained the World Boxing Council welterweight championship when Roberto Duran abruptly quit in the eighth round at the Lousiana Superdome.
In 1999, 5-year-old Elian Gonzales was rescued by a pair of sport fishermen off the coast of Florida, setting off an international custody battle.
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Today---------------------Actress Noel Neill is 90, Actress Kathryn Crosby is 77, Actor Matt Clark is 74, Actor Christopher Riordan is 73, Singer Percy Sledge is 70, Actor John Larroquette is 63 and Actor Tracy Walter is 63.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------Love Dr. Phil
By following the simple advice I heard on the "Dr. Phil" show, I finally have found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed that the key to happiness is to finish all the things you have started.
So before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a package of Oreo cookies, a box of Godiva chocolates, and the rest of the cheesecake.
Dr. Phil is so right!
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In 1789, this was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1842, the founders of the University of Notre Dame arrived at the school's present-day site near South Bend, IN.
In 1910, two dozen young women were killed when fire broke out at a muslin factory in Newark, NJ.
In 1950, China entered the Korean War, launching a counteroffensive against soldiers from the United Nations, the U.S. and South Korea.
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Today---------Actress Ellen Alvertini Dow is 92, Impressionist Rich Little is 72, Singer Jean Terrell is 66, Pop musician John McVie is 65 and Singer Tina Turner is 71.
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Larryj
Today's------I ain't gonna try it--let me know how it works out
You can't outsmart your right foot. trust me. Try it. It only takes a few minutes.
It will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your darn foot.
But you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
I told you so.
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In 1910, New York's Pennsylvania Station officially opened as it became fully operational with regular through train service from the Pennsylvania Railroad.
In 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights activist, were shot to death inside City Hall by former Supervisor Dan White.
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Today--------------Actor James Avery is 62.
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Larryj
Okay Larry, you have made us all look like idiots today! Lol! ;D ;D
Today's-----------------clever thinking
A woman decided to prepare her will and last testament. She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes to be scattered at the Nordstrom department store.
The pastor gave her a quizzical look, "Why Nordstrom?" he asked.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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In 1520, Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Pacific Ocean after passing through the South American strait that now bears his name.
In 1919, American-born Lady Astor was elected the first female of the British Parliament.
In 1979, an Air New Zealand DC-10 en route to the South Pole crashed into a mountain in Antarctica killing all 257 people aboard.
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Today-------------Recording executive Berry Gordy, Jr. is 81, Former Sen. Gary Hart (D-Colo) is 74, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 70, Singer Randy Newman is 67, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 64, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 61 and Actor Ed Harris is 60.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------yep
Some guy bought a new fridge so he put the old one out in the front yard with a sign on it: "Free".
For three days the old fridge sat there. Nobody looked it twice.
The guy changed the sign to read: "Used fridge for sale. %50."
The next day someone stole it.
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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 180 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.
In 1986, actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.
In 1990, the U.N. Security Council voted to authorize military action to free Kuwait if Iraq did not withdraw its occupying troops and release all foreign hostages by Jan. 15, 1991.
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Today-------------Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 77, Actress Diane Ladd is 75, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 70, Country Singer Jody Miller is 69, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 64, comedian Garry Shandling is 61 and Hall-of-fame Sportscaster Vin Scully is 83>
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Larryj
Today's--------------------uh---okay----
Two women boarded an airliner and while doing so, they were welcomed by the pilot.
One of the women turned to the pilot and said, "Please don't travel faster than the speed of sound. We want to talk."
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens -- better known as Mark Twain -- was born in Florida, Missouri.
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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. is 92, Actor Robert Guillaume is 83, TV Personality and producer Dick Clark is 81, Country singer Jimmy Bowen is 73, Singer Rob Grill (The Grassroots) is 67, Actress Margaret Whitton is 60 and Talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 80.
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Sadly, Leslie Nielson of the Police Squad and Naked Gun movies died Sunday at age 84.
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Larryj
Today's------------------oopsies
"Doctor," she said emphatically, striding into the room, "I want you to take a look and tell me frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to toe. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, you need to lose about 20 pounds. Second, your beauty would be much improved if you used about one tenth as much makeup. And, third, I'm an artist. The doctor is one door down."
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In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay. (Adams ended up the winner.)
In 1860, the Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" was first published in weekly serial form.
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Today---------Actor Paul Picerni is 88, Former CIA director Stansfield Turner is 87, Singer Billy Paul is 76, Actor-director Woody Allen is 75, World Golf Hall of Famer Lee Trevino is 71, Singer Diane Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 71, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 65 and Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 64.
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Larryj
Today's--------------nice play on words
It was a holiday tradition at our house. Each year on Christmas morning, Mom would get up extra early and prepare a special breakfast that included eggs Benedict served on her prized heirloom dishes.
One year, though, she must have sampled the eggnog before she got started.
When the family came downstairs and gathered around the table, we found that the eggs Benedict breakfast were served on the hubcaps from Dad's car.
Dad asked, "What's going on?"
Mom replied, giddily, "Don't you know? There's No Plates Like Chrome for the Hollandaise."
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In 1859, militant abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry the previous October.
In 1927, Ford Motor Co. formally unveiled its second Model A automobile, the successor to its Model T.
In 1942, an artificially created self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated for the first time, at the University of Chicago.
In 1954, the Senate voted to condemn Wisconsin Republican Joseph R. McCarthy for conduct that "tends to bring the Senate into disrepute."
In 1970, the Environmental Protection Agency opened its doors.
IN 1990, Actor Bob Cummings died in Woodland Hills, CA, at age 80.
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Today----------Character Actor Bill Erwin is 96, Actress Julie Harris is 85, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is 71, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 66 and Country Singer John Wesley Ryles is 60.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------ouch
Della was excited when she learned that her fiance finally was returning home after an overseas business obligation of many months.
She bragged to he friend Bella, "Do you know, Rodney is telling everyone that he is returning home to marry the most beautiful girl in America."
Bella replied, "That scoundrel! How could he do such a thing after being engaged to you for such a long time?"
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In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa, led by Dr. Christiaan Barnard, performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.
In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where the British rock group The Who was performing.
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Today----------Country singer Ferlin Huskey is 85, Singer Andy Williams is 83, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 79. Actor Nicolas Coster is 77, Actress Mary Alice is 69, Actress Heather Menzies is 61and Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 62.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------hee hee
Tommy was visiting the hospital to see his mother and his new baby brother. There were many people in the room. At one point, he wandered off for a little while and found himself in the orthopedic ward of the hospital.
He entered a room occupied by a woman and greeted her. "Hello," he said, "How long have you been here?"
"Almost two weeks,," the woman said.
"Can I see your baby?" Tommy asked.
"Why, I don't have a baby!" the woman replied.
"Wow, you're slow," Tommy said, "My mom's been here just a few hours, and she already has one."
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York, telling them,
"With a heart full of love and gratitude I now take leave of you."
In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.
In 1996, the Mars Pathfinder lifted off from Cape Canaveral and began speeding toward Mars on a 310-million mile odyssey. (It arrived on Mars in July 1997.)
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Today---------------------Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 89, Game show host Wink Martindale is 77. Pop singer Freddy Cannon is 74, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 73, Actress Gemma Jones is 68 and Actor Jeff Bridges is 61.
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Larryj
Today's------------------another ouch
A professor became irritated by the answers he was receiving from his students one day. Finally, he had quite enough. "There seem to be a great number of idiots in this room." he thundered. "If you don't mind, I would like to invite all the idiots to stand up and show themselves."
After a long pause, one student stood up in the back of the room.
"So!" the professor said with imperious sarcasm, "You consider yourself an idiot?"
The student replied, "Not really, sir. I just hated to see you standing there by yourself."
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In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1932, German Physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.
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Today------------Singer Little Richard is 78, Opera Singer Jose Carreras is 64, Pop singer Jim Messina is 63 and College Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Plunkett is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------huh?
The exasperated boss said, "See here, Ferguson. You already have taken time off this year to see your wife off on a long journey, and for your mother-in-law's funeral, and for your little girl's chickenpox, and for your son's christening. What is it this time?"
"I'm getting married, sir."
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In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.
In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry A. Truman.
In 1960, nearly 9 million acres of Alaska was set aside as an Arctic National Wildlife Range by order of Interior Secretary Fred A. Seaton. (In 1980, President Jimmy Carter signed an act doubling the size of the range and renaming it the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.)
In 1969, a free concert by the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Speedway in Alameda County, California, was marred by the deaths of four people, including one who was stabbed by a Hell's Angel.
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Today------------------------Jazz musician Dave Brubeck is 90, Pro Football Hall-of-famer Andy Robustelli is 85. Comedy performer David Ossman is 74, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 69 and Actress JoBeth Wiliams is 62.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------he who knows best
Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time. One of them was using crutches.
"Hello!" said the other. "What's the matter with you?"
"Car accident," said the man on the crutches.
"When did it happen?"
"Two months ago."
"Good heavens, and you still have to use crutches?"
"Well, my doctor says I could get along without them, but my lawyer says I can't."
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In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekeland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.
In 1941, Imperial Japanese warplanes attacked the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, as well as other American and British bases in the Pacific; the raids prompted the United States to enter World War II.
In 1987, 43 people were killed after a gunman aboard a Pacific Southwest Airlines jetliner in California apparently opened fire on a fellow passenger, the two pilots and himself, causing the plane to crash.
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Today----------Actress Ellen Burstyn is 78, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 70, Baseball Hall-of-famer Johnny Bench is 63, Actor-director-producer James Keach is 63, Country singer Gary Morris is 62, Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 61 and Actor Eli Wallach is 95.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Oh dear.
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
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In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.
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Today---------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 80, Flutist James Galway is 71, Singer Jerry Butler is 71, Pop musician Bobby Elliot (The Hollies) is 69, Actress Mary Woronov is 67, Actor John Rubenstein is 64 and Rock singer musician Gregg Allman is 63.
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Larryj
Today's-----------what about the usher and concession guy?
The manager of a touring theatrical company e-mailed ahead to the proprietor of the theater in a small town where the troupe was due to appear.
"Would like to hold rehearsal Monday afternoon at 3, please," the e-mail said, "Have your stage manager, prop manager, carpenter, electrician and all stage hands present at that hour."
A little while later he received the following reply by e-mail; "OK, He'll be there."
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In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 1960, the Domino's Pizza chain had its beginnings as brothers Tom and James Monaghan started operating a pizzeria in Ypsilanti, Michigan.
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Today-----------Actor Dick Van Patten is 82, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 80. Actress Dame Judy Dench is 76, Actor Beau Bridges is 69, Football Hall-of-famer Dick Butkus is 68, Actor Michael Nouri is 65 and Actor Kirk Douglas is 94.
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Larryj
Today's------------------this one stinks
"Is it fresh?" asked a woman at the fish counter, scrutinizing the somewhat malodorous whole salmon with obvious suspicion.
"Fresh?" the counter man relied. "Why, ma'am, just look at it."
Then, turning to the fish, he said, sternly, "Lie still, why can't you? Lie still!"
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In 1884, Mark Twain's novel "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was first published in Canada as well as England. (The book was not released in the United States until February 1885.)
In 1910, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the population of the United States stood at 91,972,266.
In 1964, Martin Luther King, Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1967, singer Otis Redding, 26, and six others were killed when their plane crashed into Wisconsin's Lake Monona.
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Today-------------Actor Tommy Kirk is 69, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 69, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 69, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 64 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 62.
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Larryj
Today's---------------home sweet home
A mid-morning Southland earthquake sent City Council members scattering unceremoniously from the building. All save the City Clerk, a punctilious person who believed in rules and regulations, and who was determined to give the meeting's minutes a properly official conclusion.
Finally, after great thought, the clerk composed this masterpiece.
"On motion of City Hall, the council adjourned."
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In 1936, Britain's King Edward VIII abdicated to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.
In 1946, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.
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Today-------------Actress Rita Moreno is 79, Actress Donna Mills is 68, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) is 67, Singer Brenda Lee is 66, Actress Linda Day George is 66 and Actress Teri Garr is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------third grade groaner
Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see, legs and cannot walk, and can jump as high as the Sears Tower?
Give up?
Here's the answer: A wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk.
Yes, you are probably about to say, "But how does it jump as high as the Sears Tower?"
There's a simple explanation: The Sears Tower cannot jump.
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In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boy's Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, California.
In 2000, a divided U.S. Supreme Court made Republican George W. Bush president-elect over Democrat Al Gore as the justices reversed a state court decision for recounts in Florida's contested election. (The nation's highest court agreed, 7-2, to overturn the order for a state recount and voted 5-4 that there was no acceptable procedure by which a timely new recount could take place.)
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Today----------------Former TV host Bob Barker is 87, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 86, Singer Connie Francis is 72, Singer Dionne Warwick is 70 and Rock-singer-musician Dickey Betts is 67.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------another whoops
It was the first time she had been to dinner with her new friends, and they smiled indulgently when she refused a scotch and soda.
"I don't drink," she said, quite emphatically, "I've never had a drop."
"Why not try?" urged one of her friends. "See if you like the taste."
Her other friends urged her on.
Finally, she blushed and said yes. She raised the glass tentatively to her lips, tasted, then blurted out, "Why, this isn't scotch. You've given me bourbon!"
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In 1835, Phillips Brooks, the American Episcopal bishop who wrote the words to "O Little Town of Bethlehem," was born in Boston.
In 1862, Union forces suffered a major defeat to the Confederates in the Civil War Battle of Fredericksburg.
In 1978, the Philadelphia Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, which went into circulation in July 1979.
In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole under a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.
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Today-----Former Secretary of State George P. Shultz is 90, Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 85, Actor Christopher Plummer is 81, Country Singer Buck White is 80, Music/film producer Lou Adler is 77, Movie producer Richard Zanuck is 76, Singer John Davidson is 69, Actress Kathy Carver (TV "Family Affair") is 65, Singer Ted Nugent is 62 and Country singer-musician Randy Owen is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------one good turn deserves another
The new father, seeing his little Nancy's baby carriage standing near the front door, decided to do his wife a big favor and handle the baby strolling chore himself.
As soon as he got out to the sidewalk, pushing the carriage in front of him, his wife called to him from a window, "Dear!"
"I'm fine," he shouted back, hurrying along, "Let me take care of it."
It was a hot day, but he was determined to take the errand seriously, so he pushed the carriage for almost an hour before he returned. He was quite satisfied with himself as he jostled the carriage up the steps and into the front door.
"Well, that's done," he said to his wife.
His wife replied, "And I'm sure Nancy's doll enjoyed it very much. But now, Nancy would like a turn, if you wouldn't mind."
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In 1799. the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, Virginia, home at age 67.
In 1962, the U.S. space probe Mariner 2 approached Venus, transmitting information about the planet.
In 1985, Wilma Mankilller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma: Also, Former New York Yankees outfielder, Roger Maris, who'd hit 61 home runs during the 1961 season, died in Houston at age 51.
(note: In looking at the last entry about Wilma Mankiller, I was somewhat intrigued about her name and the fact she had risen to the position of chief. It made me kinda wonder if she "bumped" all the men off so she could be chief----------just a thought)
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Today-------------Jazz musician Clark Terry is 90, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 79, Actor Hal Williams is 72, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 64, Actress Patty Duke is 64, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 64, Actress Dee Wallace is 62 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 61.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------ouchie
Little Susie asked her mother, "Where did the first humans come from?"
Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve, and they were the first parents, and we are all descended from them."
Dad, sitting nearby said in disagreement, "Humans evolved from monkeys millions of years ago."
Susie looked confused.
Mom said to her, "It's OK, darling, I'm talking about my side of the family. Your father is talking about his."
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In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, SD, during a confrontation with Indian police.
In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.
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Today------------Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 71, Rock Musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 68, Actor Don Johnson is 61 and Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 77.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------hah
Art was seeing a therapist for help with his insecurity. The therapist suggested he get a personalized license plate to project a more confident image and build his self-esteem.
It didn't work. Art ordered plates that said, I'M NO. 1. The plates came out, I'M NO 1.
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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.
In 1985, organized crime chief Paul Castellano and bodyguard Thomas Billotti were shot to death outside a New York City restaurant on orders from John Gotti.
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Today---------Actress Joyce Bulifant is 73, Actress Liv Ulmann is 72, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 69, TV producer Steven Bochio is 67,. Pop musician Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 65, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 64 and Actor Ben Cross is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------where is he sleeping tonight?
One morning a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll find out on Christmas morning," he said with a wink.
Sure enough, on Christmas morning he handed her a small package. Thrilled, she tore off the wrapping paper.
It was a paperback book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights, near Kitty Hawk, NC, using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.
In 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind thousands of UFO sightings.
Also---an estimated 50 million TV viewers watched singer Tiny Tim marry his fiancee Miss Vicky on NBC's "Tonight Show."
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Today-------------Actor George Lindsay is 75, Singer-actor Tommy Steele is 74, Rock Musician Art Neville is 73, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 65 and Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 64.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------extortion?
Bratty Bart sat down to write out his Christmas list. He decided to go over Santa's head.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote, "If I get the following presents, I won't fight with anyone for a whole year......"
Then he thought to himself, "I can't keep that promise," so he tore up the paper and started over.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote, "If I get the following presents, I will eat all my vegetables for a whole year......"
He paused. "I can't keep that promise either," he thought. He balled up the paper and tossed it in the trash.
After some thought, he went to the living room, removed the figurine of the Virgin Mary from the fireplace mantel, wrapped it in a towel and hid it in the back corner of his bedroom closet.
"Dear Jesus," he then wrote. "If you ever want to see your mother again........"
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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.
In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.
In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War. (The bombardment ended 11 days later.)
________________________________________________________
Today---------Television writer-producer Hal Kanter is 92, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 77, Actor Roger Mosley is 72, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 67, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 64 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 60.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------no mention of the word blond
The day before Christmas a newspaper food editor took a call from a lady who asked how long to roast a 20-pound turkey.
"Just a minute," the editor said as he turned to consult the chart on his bulletin board.
"OK, thanks," said the caller, hanging up.
____________________________________________________
In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter.
In 1950. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower was named commander of the military forces of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.
____________________________________________________
Today------------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 90, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 69, Actress Elaine Joyce is 67, Actor Tim Reid is 66, Singer Janie Fricke is 63 and Actress Cicely Tyson is 77.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------from the mouths of babes
A mall Santa asked the little boy what he wanted for Christmas, and the lad answered, "An electric train."
Santa said, "You know, if I bring you an electric train, your daddy will want to play with it, too. So let me ask you again. What would you like for Christmas?"
The little boy thought a moment, then said, brightly, "Two electric trains."
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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating at Pawtucket, R.I.
In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.
______________________________________________
Today-----------Actress Audrey Totter is 93, Comedian Charlie Callas is 83, Actor John Hillerman is 78, Actress Kathryn Joosten is 71, Rock musician Peter Criss is 65, Producer Dick Wolf ("Law and Order") is 64, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 62 and Psychic-illusionist Uri Geller is 64.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------be careful what you wish for
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
_______________________________________
In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Mass.
In 1940. author F. Scott Fitzgerald died in Hollywood, CA, at age 44.
In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.
In 1968, Apollo 8 was launched on a mission to orbit the moon.
In 1976, the Liberian-registered tanker Argo Merchant broke apart near Nantucket Island, off Massachusetts, almost a week after running aground, spilling 7.5 million gallons of oil into the North Atlantic
____________________________________________
Today----------Country singer Freddie Hart is 84, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Joe Paterno is 84, Talk Show host Phil Donahue is 75, Singer Carla Thomas is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 62 and Actress Jane Fonda is 73.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------Hah
The Christmas sermon was titled "Onward Christian Soldiers." Afterward the pastor, greeting parishioners at the door, grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
"Jack," he said, "I pray that one day you will join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The pastor responded, "Why don't I see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack leaned in and whispered, "I'm in the secret service."
___________________________________________
In 1864, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln: "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the city of Savannah."
In 1910, a fire lasting more than 26 hours broke out at the Chicago Union Stock Yards; 21 firefighters were killed in the collapse of a burning building.
In 1944, during the Battle of the Bulge, Brigadier General Anthony C. McAuliffe rejected a German demand for surrender, writing "Nuts" in his official reply.
__________________________________________
Today--------Actor Hector Elizondo is 74, Country singer Red Steagall is 72, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 66, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 65, Singer Robin Gibb is 61 and Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 62.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------c'mon! which is it?
The preacher shaking his fist, said, "I predict the end of the world in 50 million years!"
"How many?" cried a frightened voice from the back of the sanctuary.
"I said 50 million years!"
"Whew!" replied the person at the back, with a heavy sigh of relief. "I thought you said 15 million."
_____________________________________
In 1823. the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (N.Y.) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas" was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.
In 1968, 82 members of the U.S. intelligence ship Pueblo were released by North Korea, 11 months after they had been captured.
____________________________________
Today----------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 89, Actor Ronnie Schell is 79. Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 75, Actor Frederick Forest is 74, Actor James Stacy is 74, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 67, Gen. Wesley K. Clark (ret) is 66, and Actress Susan Lucci is 64.
____________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------This kid is no dummy
A young boy is praying upstairs, kneeling by his bedside. His parents and grandfather are sitting downstairs. The boy says, in a voice that grows louder by the word, "Please, God, for Christmas I want a train set, a remote control airplane, and A BRAND NEW BICYCLE!
His mother calls up, "You don't have to shout, dear, God is not deaf."
The boy calls down, "I know. But Grandpa is."
______________________________________
In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Pulaski, Tenn., called the Ku Klux Klan.
In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.
In 1980, Americans remembered the U.S. hostages in Iran by burning candles or shining lights for 417 seconds -- one second for each day of captivity.
_______________________________________
Today----------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Bartholomew is 90, Author Mary Higgins Clark is 83 and Recording Company executive Mike Curb is 66.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------a promise is a promise
On Christmas Day, the pastor happened to notice that the Baby Jesus had gone missing from the Nativity Scene outside the church.
Next, he noticed a young boy pulling a red wagon. In the wagon was the Baby Jesus.
The pastor approached the boy and asked, "Hello, son, where did you get the Baby Jesus?"
The boy answered honestly, "From the church."
"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.
"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I said if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1818, "Silent Night" written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.
In 1990, the World Wide Web, the system providing quick access to websites over the Internet, was born in Geneva, Switzerland, as computer scientists Tim Bernier-Lee and Robert Cailliau created the world's first hyperlinked webpage.
In 1995, singer Dean Martin died at his Beverly Hills home at age 78.
In 2006 James Brown, the "Godfather of Soul," died of heart failure in Atlanta at age 73.
___________________________________________________
Today------------Singer Tony Martin is 97, Actor Dick Miller is 82, Author Anne Roiphe is 75, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 67, Actor Gary Sandy is 65, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 64, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 64, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 62 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 61.
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Larryj
Today's-------------yep
"Whenever I get a cold I buy a flask of whiskey for it, and within a few hours it's gone."
"My, that's a very quick way to get rid of a cold."
"The cold? No, no, it's the whiskey that's gone."
_________________________________________________________
In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.
In 2004, some 230,000 people, mostly in southern Asia, were killed by a tsunami triggered by the world's most powerful earthquake in 40 years beneath the Indian Ocean.
In 2006, former President Gerald R. Ford died in Rancho Mirage, CA., at age 93.
_________________________________________________________
Today------Actor Donald Moffet is 80, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 77, Record Producer Phil Spector is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carlton Fiske is 63, Retired MLB All-Star Chris Chambliss is 62 and "America's Most Wanted" John Walsh is 65.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------uh, wait a minute----------
My friend Kathy announced she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on during the holidays. I'm not sure how serious she is, though.
"Good!" I exclaimed, when she told me her news. "I'm ready to start a diet, too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other stick to our resolutions. When I feel an uncontrollable urge to go get a burger and fries, I'll call you for help."
"Great!" she replied. "We can go in my car!"
_______________________________________________
In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.
In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a sage, nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.
________________________________________________
Today--------------Actor John Amos is 71, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 67, Singer Tracy Nelson is 66, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 62 and Jazz singer-musician T.S. Monk is 61.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------------groaner
The construction foreman approached the new hire, watched him work for a while, then remarked, "I notice that you hammer nails like lightning."
"I'm fast, you mean?"
"No, you never strike twice in the same place."
_____________________________________
In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first Vice-President of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
_____________________________________
Today------------Actor Martin Milner is 79, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 78. Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 76, Rock singer-musician Charles Neville is 72 and Rock singer Edgar Winter is 64.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------oooooh
"How was your blind date with that fellow?" one woman asked the other.
"It was terrible."
"Why? What was wrong with him?"
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner."
________________________________________
In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.
In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.
________________________________________
Today----------------Actress Inga Swenson is 78, ABC Newscaster Tom Jarriel is 76, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 74, Actor Jon Voight is 72, Country Singer Ed Bruce is 71, Singer Marianne Faithful is 64, Jockey Laffit Pincay Jr. is 64 and Actor Ted Danson is 63.
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Larryj
Today's--------------oopsies
An angry man called the florist to complain. He had arranged for a congratulatory wreath to be sent to a friend who was opening a new branch of his successful business. The angry man said, "I don't know what happened, but the wrong wreath was sent. It said, 'REST IN PEACE!'"
The florist gasped in horror. "That's the second-worst thing that could have happened!" he said.
"What do you mean, the second worst?" the indignant man demanded.
The stricken florist said, "I think accidentally I sent your wreath to a funeral. The wreath that says, 'GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION!'"
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In 1853. the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known ad the Gadsden Purchase.
In 1936, the United Auto Workers union staged its first "sit-down" strike at the Fisher Body Plant No. 1 in Flint, Michigan.
In 1940, California's first freeway, Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena, was officially opened by Gov. Culbert L. Olson.
_____________________________________________________
Today-------------Actor Joseph Bologna is 76, Actor Russ Tamblyn is 76, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 75, Actor Jack Riley is 75, Actor Fred Ward is 68, Singer-musician Michael Nesmith is 68, Singer Davy Jones is 65. Actress Concetta Tomei is 64, Singer Patti Smith is 64 and Rock singer-musician Jeff Lynne is 63.
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Larryj
Hello Larry from David (sodbuster) your fellow Californian. I missed you, glad to see you are still posting a slice of wre.
David Alexander
(Sodbuster)
welcome back
David. Hope all is well with you. You were missed.
God bless
David, welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was hoping to hear something from somebody on this forum that might have information on how you are doing. I am so glad you have come back. And, your two caretakers are mighty welcome to participate. Although I love mexican food and eat it a lot, I don't make them quite as hot as you did! LOL. Anyway, I am looking forward to your posts.
Larryj
Today's---------------an oopsie
A lovely woman danced with a stranger at a New Year's Eve party. "Oh, look at that ugly man over there," she said, nodding her head to indicate the direction.
The man turned to look, then exclaimed, "Why, that's my brother!"
"Oh, you must excuse me," said the lady, extremely embarrassed, then added apologetically, "I really hadn't noticed the resemblance."
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In 1775, during the Revolutionary War, the British repulsed an attack by the continental Army generals Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec; Montgomery was killed.
In 1879 Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, N.J.
In 1909, the Manhattan Bridge, spanning the East River between Manhattan an Brooklyn, was officially opened to vehicular traffic.
In 1946, President Harry S. Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.
In 1985, singer Ricky Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Year's Eve performance in Dallas.
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Today-------------Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 73, Actor Tim Considine ("My Three Sons") is 70, Actress Sarah Miles is 69, Actor Ben Kingsley is 67, Fashion Designer Diane von Furstenberg is 64, Actor Tim Matteson is 63, Singer Donna Summer is 62 and Actor Joe Dallesandro is 62.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------hah
A speaker was in the second hour of his talk, and the crowd was starting to fidget. Noticing this, the speaker said, "I apologize for going on and on. You see, I haven't got a watch on me."
"Yes," shouted a voice from the back, "but there's a calendar behind you."
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, declaring that slaves in rebel states were free.
In 1890, the first Tournament of Roses was held in Pasadena, CA.
In 1892, the Ellis Island Immigration Station in New York formally opened.
__________________________________________________
Today----------------Actor Ty Hardin is 81, Actor Frank Langella is 73, Rock singer-musician Joe McDonald is 69 and Actor Rick Hurst is 65.
_________________________________________________
New feature-----------
Copyright Expiration Day, celebrating the expiration of the copyright of a year's worth of works of authorship into the public domain. Not celebrated from 1978 to 2018 because of repeated copyright term extensions.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------ooooh
Two women are talking on the phone. The one who lives in northern Minnesota has been mad at her husband, Carl, since the holidays.l
"I'm just going crazy with him," she said to her friend. "It has been snowing all week, and it is nearly waist high. Carl just stands there and looks through the kitchen window. I suppose if the weather gets much worse, I may have to let him in."
________________________________________________
In 1921, religious services were broadcast on radio for the first time as KDKA in Pittsburgh aired the regular Sunday service of the city's Calvary Episcopal Church.
In 1991, Sharon Pratt (Dixon) was sworn in as mayor of Washington, D.C., becoming the first black woman to head a city of Washington's size and prominence.
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Today-------------Country Musician Harold Bradley is 85 and TV host Jack Hanna is 64.
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January 2--National Day of Motivation and Inspiration.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------good guess
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
__________________________________________________________
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced the United States was formally terminating diplomatic and consular relations with Cuba, citing a move by the Cuban government to limit the number of U.S. personnel in Havana to 11 persons.
In 1967, Jack Ruby, the man who shot and killed Lee Harvey Oswald, died in a Dallas hospital.
__________________________________________________________
Today--------------Actor Robert Loggia is 81, Actor Dabney Coleman is 79, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 75, Hockey Hall-of-famer Bobby Hull is 72, Musician Stephen Stills is 66 and Actress Victoria Principal is 61.
_________________________________________________________
January 3rd is National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
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Larryj
Today's-----------this guy is blond
The man in the upstairs apartment hosted a boisterous party that lasted most of the night. The following morning, the man who lived downstairs confronted him.
He said, "Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?"
"Oh, that's OK," his neighbor said. "We were making a lot of noise, too."
_______________________________________________________
In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton died in Emmitsburg, Md.
In 1861, Alabama sized a federal arsenal at Mount Vernon near Mobile.
In 1896, Utah was admitted as the 45th state.
In 1965, President Lyndon B.. Johnson outlined the goals of his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address. And, Poet T.S. Eliot died in London at age 76.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.
___________________________________________________
Today------------------Actress Barbara Rush is 84, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 81, Actress Dyan Cannon is 74 and Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 68.
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January 4 is feast day for Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------Hah
Shaun and his girlfriend were having dinner at a nice restaurant. Another man entered the establishment and Shaun's girlfriend waved at him enthusiastically.
"Is that man a friend of yours?" Shaun asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"Then I think I'll ask him to join us."
"Oh, Shaun, this is so sudden!"
"Sudden? What do you mean?"
"He's the pastor of my church. What do YOU mean?"
_______________________________________
In 1781, a British naval expedition led by traitor Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, VA.
In 1925, Nellie T. Ross became the first female governor in U.S. history in Wyoming.
In 1933, the 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, died in Northampton, Mass. at age 60.
In 1949, in his State of the Union Address, President Harry S. Truman labeled his administration as the Fair Deal.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower proposed assistance to countries to help them resist Communist aggression; this became known as the Eisenhower Doctrine.
In 1994, Thomas P. "Tip" O'Neill, former Speaker of the House, died in Boston at age 81.
_________________________________________________
Today----------Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 83, Actor Robert Duvall is 80, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 79, and Actor Ted Lange is 63.
_________________________________________________
January 5th is National Bird Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Out of the mouths of babes category
The young girl studied her baby brother and asked, "Why can't he talk yet?"
Mom replied, "Oh, honey, he's just a baby. Babies can't talk."
"Yes, they can. I learned it in Sunday school."
"Sunday school?"
"Yes, the teacher told us a story about a man named Job who cursed the day he was born."
_____________________________________________
In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, VA.
In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first public demonstration of their telegraph in Morristown, NJ.
In 1861, Florida militiamen seized the federal arsenal in Chattahoochee.
In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state.
In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, NY, at age 60.
_____________________________________________________
Today------------------Pollster Louis Harris is 90, Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 87 Actress Bonnie Franklin is 67 and Musician Joey,m the CowPolka King (Riders in the Sky) is 62.
____________________________________________________
January 6 is Three Kings Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------just keep it down.
An evening lecture was in progress at the municipal auditorium, and a fellow in the front row could not stay awake. When he dozed off for the third time, the indignant speaker pointed a finger at him and thundered from the stage, "Sir, you cannot sleep in here."
Startled awake, the man blurted out, "Well, if you'd stop talking, I could manage it."
__________________________________________________________
In 1608, an accidental fire devastated the Jamestown settlement in the Virginia Colony.
In 1789, the first U.S. presidential election was held. Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation's first president.
__________________________________________________________
Today------------Author William Peter Blatty is 83, Country singer Jack Greene is 81, Pop musician Paul Revere is 73, Singer Kenny Loggins is 63 and Actress Erin Gray is 61.
_________________________________________________________
January 7th is "I'm not going to take it anymore" day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------another "out of the mouths of babes" category
Grandma was visiting, and everyone was having a nice conversation in the living room. At length, though, Grandma became distracted by little Susie, her granddaughter, who stood close by and stared at her.
Finally, she turned to Susie and said, "What's the matter, dear? Why are you staring?"
Susie said, "Where did you get your face?"
Grandma was taken aback, but after a moment's pause she answered, "Well, I suppose God gave it to me."
Susie thought it over, then said, "Was that the only one He had?"
_____________________________________________________________
In 1811, Charles Deslondes (some sources say "Deslandes") led an uprising of hundreds of slaves in the Territory of Orleans in present-day Louisiana. (The revolt, which claimed the lives of two whites, failed on its third day, and Deslondes and many of his followers were killed by federal and local troops.)
In 1935, rock 'n' roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War on Poverty" in his State of the Union address.
______________________________________________________________
Today-----------Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 88, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 78, Singer Shirley Bassey is 74, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 73, Country-gospel singer Cristy Lane is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Anthony Gourdine (Little Anthony and the Imperials) is 70 and Rock singer David Bowie is 64.
_____________________________________________________________
January 8th is Bubble Bath Day, Fruitcake Toss Day and National English Toffee Day.
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------yep---uh huh
Hubby is reading the newspaper. Suddenly he shouts to his wife, "Aha! I'm always telling you that women talk too much. Here's a story that proves it. Scientists have found that men use 15,000 words a day, while women use 30,000. Here, check it out."
Triumphantly, he handed her the newspaper.
She scanned the article, then said, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
Hubby said, "What?"
____________________________________________________
In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States was born in Yorba Linda, CA.
In 1968, the Surveyor 7 space probe made a soft landing on the moon, marking the end of the American series of unmanned explorations of the lunar surface.
In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported biography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.
___________________________________________________
Today-----------Author Judith Krantz is 83, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 77, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 76, Folk Singer Joan Baez is 70, Actress Susannah York is 70 and Singer Chrystal Gayle is 60.
___________________________________________________
January 9 is Balloon Ascension Day, Positively Penguins Day and Stephen Foster Day.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------good boy
The farmer's son finished his chores in the chicken coop and walked away. A few minutes later he returned and discovered that he must have left the gate open. All the chickens were gone.
Frantically, he went in search of them. His father would be furious with him.
He found a few here, a few there. He brought them back. He widened his search and found more. He brought them back. He scoured the whole neighborhood, over hill and dale, and found more. He brought them back.
Finally, he went into the house hanging his head. "Father," he said, "I'm sorry. The chickens got out. But I brought back almost 100 of them."
His father took him firmly by the shoulder. "Son,"You did well. We only had 80 to begin with."
_______________________________________________________
In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."
In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas Gusher, heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.
In 1920, the League of Nations was established as the Treaty of Versailles went into effect.
In 1961, the University of Georgia, under court order, admitted its first two black students, Hamilton Homes and Charlayne Hunter(now reporter Charlayne Hunter-Gault.)
In 1971, "Masterpiece Theatre" premiered on PBS with host Alistair Cooke introducing the drama series "The First Churchill's."
__________________________________________________________
Today-------------Rock-singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 76, Baseball Hall-of-famer Willie McCovey is 73, Singer Scott McKenzie is 72, Singer Rod Stewart is 66, Actor William Sanderson is 63. International Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 62 and Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 67.
_________________________________________________________
January 10th is National Cut Your Energy Day, National Clean Off Your Desk Day and United Nations Day.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------funny
The men were talking. Said one, "Nobody's perfect." There was much nodding of heads.
One of the men disagreed, however. "Frank Feldman was perfect," he said.
"Who the heck is Frank Feldman?" the first guy asked.
"Oh, let me tell you. Frank Feldman was an immaculate dresser, always looked his best. He was good to his woman, made her feel special, never argued. He was strong, athletic, had a great singing voice. He could dance with the stars, too. And he was handy with tools. He could fix anything. He always had a smile for everyone. Kids loved him. He remembered everyone's birthday."
"OK, OK," the first man said. "The guy's perfect already. How do you know him?"
"Oh, I never met him. He died. I married his wife."
________________________________________________
In 1805, the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.
In 1861, Alabama became the fourth state to withdraw from the Union, with delegates voting 61-39 in favor of an Ordinance of Secession during a convention in Montgomery.
In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument (it became a national park in 1919.)
In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.
In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.
________________________________________________________
Today----------Producer Grant Tinker is 86, Actor Rod Taylor is 81, Composer Mary Rodgers is 80, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 77, Actor Felix Silla is 74 and Country Singer Naomi Judd is 65.
________________________________________________________
January 11th is National Smoking is Hazardous to Your Health Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------------Old but funny
Sherlock Holmes and his friend Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. On the first night, they climb into their sleeping bags and prepare to sleep. Soon, though, the great detective breaks the silence.
"Watson," he says, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The good doctor replies,"I see millions of stars."
Holmes says, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson, after some thought, says, "Astronomically, it tells me that the universe is immense. Theologically, it tells me that God is mighty. Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow is likely to be a beautiful day. What does it tell you?"
And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot! We forgot to bring the tent!"
____________________________________________________
In 1773, the first public museum in America was organized in Charleston, SC.
In 1915, the U.S. House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.
In 1932, Hattie W. Caraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, after serving out the remainder of her late husband, Thaddeus.
In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that state law schools could not discriminate against applicants on the basis of race.
In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.
In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson said in his State of the Union address that the U.S. should stay in South Vietnam until Communist aggression there was ended.
____________________________________________________________
Today-------------Actress Luise Rainer is 101, Singer Glenn Yarborough is 81, Country Singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 72, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Joe Frazier is 67, Actor Anthony Andrews is 63, Radio Commentator Rush Limbaugh is 60 and Actress Kirstie Alley is 60.
____________________________________________________________
January 12 is National Marzipan Day
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------------oopsies
An old spinster sits on her front porch polishing a lamp she had ordered on eBay. Suddenly, a genie bursts forth from the lamp and offers to grant three wishes.
Excited, the old maid says, "Well, I always did wish I had enough money to live more comfortably."
Poof! Her rocking chair is solid gold.
"Your second wish?" the genie asks.
"Oh, I would love to be young and beautiful."
Poof! She is like a princess.
"Your third and final wish?" the genie asks.
Her cat wanders onto the porch. "Oh, I know," she says. "Turn my cat into a handsome prince."
Poof. It is done. The genie vanishes into the lamp.
"This is wonderful!" she exclaims to her new prince. "We can build a castle, and marry and have children!"
The prince gives her a sour look. "Not likely," he says. "You had me neutered, remember."
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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union. (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.)
In 1941, a new law went into effect granting Puerto Ricans U.S. birthright citizenship.
In 1962, comedian Erinie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles 10 days before his 43rd birthday.
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Today------------Country singer Liz Anderson is 81, Actress Frances Sternhagen is 81, TV personality Nick Clooney is 77, Comedian Rip Taylor is 77, Actor Billy Gray is 73 and Actor Richard Moll is 68.
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January 13th is Public Radio Broadcasting Day and Rubber Ducky Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------this originally appeared as a blond joke
An out-of-work handyman, new to this country and with limited English language skills, knocks on the door of a hilltop mansion and asks if there is any work he can do for a little money. The distracted owner, studying e-mail on his IPhone, glances at him and says, "Can you paint?"
"I paint anything."
"OK, you can paint the porch in back. You'll find some all-weather green paint in the garage."
The handyman goes back to the garage, admires a very expensive sports car parked there, locates the paint and gets to work.
When he is finished, he reports back to the front door. The still distracted owner, this time talking on the phone, hands him a $100 bill and dismisses him with a wave. The pleased handyman bows deeply and says, "Thank you very much, sir!"
The owner starts to close the door. The handyman adds, "By the way, it's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari."
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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."
In 1969, 27 people aboard the USS Enterprise off Hawaii, were killed when a rocket warhead exploded, setting off a fire and additional explosions.
In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last concert together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.
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Today---------------CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 92, Blues singer Clarence Carter is 75, Country singer Billy Jo Spears is 74, Singer Jack Jones is 73, Actress Faye Dunaway is 70, Actress Holland Taylor is 68, Actor Carl Weathers is 63 and Singer-producer T-Bone Burnett is 63.
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January 14th is Caesarian Section Day, (they have a day for that?), Dress Up Your Pet Day, Organize Your House Day and Ratification Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------typos can ruin your day
Hectic scheduling prevented a Minnesota couple from flying together on their vacation trip to Florida. The husband flew on Thursday. His wife planned to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail. Unfortunately, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address.............
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. She decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolences from loved ones. After reading the first message, she fainted on the floor.
Fortunately, her son heard the fall and rushed into the room. While he tended to his mother, he glanced up at the computer screen, which read:
To: My dear wife
From: Your dear husband
Subject: I've arrived
You may be surprised to hear from me. They have computers! I just checked in, and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you then.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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In 1844, the University of Notre Dame received its charter from the state of Indiana.
In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. was born in Atlanta.
In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia" were found in a vacant lot in Los Angeles; her slaying is unsolved.
In 1961, a U.S. Air Force radar tower off the New Jersey coast collapsed into the Atlantic Ocean during a severe storm, killing all 28 men aboard. (The structure was known as "Texas Tower 4" because of its resemblance to an oil platform.)
IN 1967, the Green Bay Packers of the National Football League defeated the Kansas City Chiefs of the American Football League 35-10 in the first AFL-NFL World Championship Game, retroactively known as Super Bowl I.
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Today-----------------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 74 and Actress Andrea Martin is 64.
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January 15th is Bald Eagle Appreciation Day and Humanitarian Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------wasn't even close to being funny, back to the archives
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
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In 1935, fugitive gangster Fred Barker and his mother, Kate "Ma" Barker were killed in a shootout with the FBI at Lake Weir, Florida.
In 1978, NASA named 35 candidates to fly on the space shuttle, including Sally K. Ride, who became America's first woman in space, and Guion S. Bluford Jr. who became America's first black astronaut in space.
In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait. In an address to the nation, President George H.W. Bush declared, "The battle has been joined."
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Today-----------------Author William Kennedy is 83, Hall-of-Fame Racer A.J. Foyt is 76, Singer Barbara Lynn is 69, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 68, Country singer Jim Stafford is 67, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 64 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 61.
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January 16th is Appreciate a Dragon Day, Golden Globe Awards, Nothing Day, Religious Freedom Day, and World Religion Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------Hah
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Where did I come from?"
Mom, startled, put a hand on the counter to steady herself. She took several measured breaths. She pondered what to say.
The boy was only five, but Mom decided, after a moment's thought, that it's never too early for a youngster to learn the truth. She took a deep breath, sat down with the boy and patiently told him everything. She explained the whole process in great detail. She left nothing out.
When she was finished, Johnny's eyes were wide. He clearly was amazed by what he had heard, but he also looked a bit confused.
"OK," he said. "Susie, across the street, told me she was from Florida, so I was just wondering.
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In 1893, Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown as a group of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Lili'uokalani to abdicate.
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower delivered his farewell address, in which he warned, "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."
In 1977, convicted murderer Gary Gilmore, 36, was shot by a firing squad at Utah State Prison in the first U.S. execution in a decade.
In 1989, five children were shot to death at the Cleveland Elementary School in Stockton by a drifter, Patrick Purdy, who then killed himself.
IN 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California, killing at least 72 people.
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Today--------Actress Betty White is 89. Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 83, Actor James Earl Jones is 80, Talk show host Maury Povich is 72, Pop singer Chris Montez is 69 and International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 69.
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January 17 is: Cable Car Day, Customer Service Day, Hot Heads Chili Day (17-18), Judgement Day, Kid Inventors Day and Martin Luther King Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------watch what or how you say something
The words or phrases we use do not always convey the true meaning of what we are trying to say.
Not long ago, my wife and I went to visit our friend, Elayne. If you asked "Central Casting" for a 70-something, church-going grandmother, they would send either Andy Griffith's Aunt Bee from Mayberry, or Elayne.
As we entered Elayne's house, she said, "It's a little chilly. I thought a fire would be nice while we visited. But I couldn't get on the floor and turn on the gas jet."
I said, "Well, I can still get down on the floor and turn on a gas jet." So I did,and soon after, we had a nice fire burning.
A few hours later, my wife and Elayne and I were standing in the doorway saying our goodbyes. I said, "Thanks for a very nice afternoon. I really enjoyed it."
Elayne said, "I also enjoyed it. And I want to thank you for lighting my fire."
She paused, started to laugh, and said, "Did I really say that?"
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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the Hawaiian Islands, which he dubbed the "Sandwich Islands."
In 1949, Charles Ponzi, engineer of one of the most spectacular swindles in history, died destitute at a hospital in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, at age 66.
In 1957, a trio of B-52s completed the first non-stop round-the-world flight by jet planes, landing at March Air Force Base in California after more than 45 hours aloft.
In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, MA, of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses. (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison is 1973.)
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Today----------------Movie director John Boorman is 78, Former Senator Paul Kirk (D-Mass) is 73 and Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 70.
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January 18th is Do Dah Parade Day, Winnie the Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day, National Sanctity of Human Life (or Pro-life) Day and Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------oops
The airline passengers were seated with their seat belts securely fastened. The cabin doors were closed and locked. The plane was moving into position for takeoff. The announcement came on the speakers.
Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, you are on the world's first fully automated airline flight. There are no human pilots in the cockpit! Thanks to state-of-the-art computer technology, this is the safest aircraft ever.
You may be confident that nothing can go wrong.............
go wrong......
go wrong......
go wrong......
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In 1807, Confederate general Robert E. Lee was born in Westmoreland County, VA.
In 1861, Georgia became the fifth state to secede from the Union as delegates to a special convention in Milledgeville (then the capital) voted 208-89 for separation.
n 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.
In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the approval of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
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Today------------Actress Jean Stapleton is 88, Actor Fritz Weaver is 85, Former PBS newsman Robert MacNeil is 80, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 69, Actress Shelley Fabares is 67, Country singer Dolly Parton is 65, TV chef Paula Deen is 64 and Actress Tippi Hedren is 81.
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January 19th is Tin Can Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------hah
Three guys in adjoining beds in a hospital ward were bored. They decided to play poker. They didn't have playing cards, but they were resourceful. They used the medical charts that were hanging at the foot of each of their beds. They put the charts in a pile, shuffled them, then dealt each of themselves a five card hand.
The first man said, "I have two pairs: Two tetanus shots and two aspirins." The second man said, "I can do better than that. I have three sponge baths." The third man said, "I have you both beat. I have five enemas, and if that ain't a royal flush, I don't know what is."
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In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th President of the United States; in his inaugural address, Kennedy declared, "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty."
In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.
In 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the nation's 44th president.
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Today-------------Country singer Slim Whitman is 87, Comedian Arte Johnson is 82, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 81, Olympic gold medal skater Carol Heiss is 71, Singer Eric Stewart is 66 and Actor Daniel Benzall is 61.
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January 20th is Camcorder Day, Get to Know Your Customers Day, Inauguration Day, National Disc Jockey Day, Women in Blue Jeans Day, Women's Healthy Weight Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------gotcha
A man is out for a walk. Another man strops his car and asks for directions to Pine Street.
The pedestrian says, "Keep going two blocks and turn right."
The motorist says, "Thank you so much! Are you a church-going man?"
The pedestrian says, "Absolutely not."
The motorist says, "Well, I am the pastor of the Downtown Central Church. I hope you'll visit us some time. We'll help you find the way to heaven."
The pedestrian grunted, then said, "So, you know where heaven is, but you can't find Pine Street?"
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In 1861, Jefferson Davis of Mississippi and four other Southerners whose states had seceded from the Union resigned from the U.S. Senate.
In 1968, The Battle of Khe Sanh began during the Vietnam War as North Vietnamese forces attacked a U.S. Marine base; the Americans were able to hold their position until the siege was over 2 1/2 months later. Also, in Greenland, an American B-52 bomber crashed, killing one crew member and scattering radioactive material.
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Today---------------------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 77. World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 71, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 70, Singer Richie Havens is 70, Singer Mac Davis is 69, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 64 and Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 61.
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January 21st is (my favorite) National Hugging Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------another oops
While on a road trip, the elderly couple stopped at a cafe. They enjoyed a quick lunch, then hit the road again. Almost an hour later, the woman realized she had left her prescription reading glasses at the restaurant.
All the way back, her husband fussed and complained and scolded his wife. The more she apologized, the more agitated he seemed to become. He was relentless. He wouldn't let up for a moment.
Finally, they arrived back at the restaurant. The poor woman hurried out of the car and headed for the entrance. Her husband called out the window, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
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In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson pleaded for an end to war in Europe, calling for "peace without victory." (By April, however, America also was at war.)
In 1944, during World War II, Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy.
In 1973, former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64.
In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe vs. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.
In 2008, actor Heath Ledger was found dead of an accidental prescription overdose in New York City; he was 28.
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Today--------------Former Sen. Birch Bayh (D-Ind) is 83, Actress Piper Laurie is 79, Actor Seymour Cassel is 76, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 74, Actor John Hurt is 71, and Singer Steve Perry is 62.
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January 22nd is: AFRMA Fancy Rat and Mouse Day, Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration of Life Day and Roe vs. Wade Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------how true
An IRS agent died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Three clergymen, also newly deceased, were ahead of him in line. St. Peter motioned the clerics to step aside and invited the IRS agent to come forward. Putting an arm around his shoulders, St. Peter immediately ushered the man into Heaven.
When he returned to his station, the astonished clerics objected, "St. Peter," one of them said, "why did you let an IRS agent go before us? We are men of God!"
St. Peter said, "That guy scared the hell out of more people than the three of you combined!"
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In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.
In 1964, the 24th amendment to the Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified.
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Today------------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 83, Actress Chita Rivera is 78, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 77, Actor Gil Gerard is 68, Actor Rutger Hauer is 67, Singer Anita Pointer is 63 and Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 61.
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January 23rd is: National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------just in the spirit of things
A high-end auction was in progress. The room was crowded and the bidding intense. At one point the auctioneer was handed a note. He read it, then took the next opportunity, during a short break in the action, to announce: "Ladies and gentlemen, someone in the room has lost a wallet containing $10,000 cash. The individual is prepared to pay a reward of $2,000 for it."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of '49.
In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.
In 1961, a U.S. Air Force B-52 broke up and crashed near Goldsboro, N.C., dropping its payload of two nuclear bombs, neither of which went off; three of the eight crew members were killed.
In 1989, confessed serial killer Theodore Bundy was executed in Florida's electric chair.
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Today------------Actor Ernest Borgnine is 94, Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard of Oz") is 92, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 84, Cajun musician Doug Kershaw is 75, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 72, Singer Aaron Neville is 70, Actor Michael Ontkean is 65, Country singer-songwriter Becky Hobbs is 61 and Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 70.
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January 24th is: National Compliment Day and Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day (consarn it!)
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Larryj
Today's-----------------sounds logical to me
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were at the local golf course, waiting on the first tee. And waiting. And waiting. The group ahead of them was taking forever to proceed down the fairway.
Finally the impatient threesome complained to the groundskeeper, who explained to them that the slowpoke golfers were blind firefighters who had lost their sight saving the clubhouse in a fire several years previously. "In gratitude, we let them play for free any time they like," the groundskeeper said.
The pastor, ashamed for complaining, said, "I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor, also ashamed, said, "I'll contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Hey, if they're blind, why can't they play at night?"
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In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.
In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.
In 1959, American Airlines began Boeing 707 flights between New York and Los Angeles.
IN 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.
IN 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of murder and conspiracy in the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.
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Today------------------------Actor Gregg Palmer is 84, Actor Dean Jones is 80, Country Singer Claude Gray is 79, Blues singer Etta James is 73, and Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 66.
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January 25th is: National Speak Up and Succeed Day, A Room Of One's Own Day, Macintosh Computer Day, and Better Business Communication Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------OOOOOKAAAY
Determine your personal skill level and intelligence quotient by taking the following short exam. The questions are NOT that difficult. Your should answer all of them correctly.
1.. How do you get five gorillas into a Volkswagen?
Answer: Open the door, let them get in, then close the door. This question probes the tendency of some people to overthink simple tasks.
2. How do you get a grizzly bear into a Volkswagen?
Answer: Did you say, "Open the door, let him get in, then close the door?" Wrong. You have to let the five gorillas out first. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal did not attend? Correct answer: the grizzly bear. He's in the Volkswagen. This question tests your memory.
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In 1837, Michigan became the 26th state.
In 1861, Louisiana passed an Ordinance of Secession, 113-17, at the state capitol in Baton Rouge, becoming the sixth state to break free from the United States.
In 1870, Virginia rejoined the Union.
In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.
In 1996, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a grand jury connected to the Whitewater probe.
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Today----------------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 88, Actress Joan Leslie is 86, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 82. Actor Scott Glenn is 72, Activist Angela Davis is 67 and Sportscaster Bob Uecker is 76.
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January 26th is: Cockroach Race Day, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.
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Larryj
I have actually seen one like this, except it had about 10 different animals, on a employment test. You had to get 100% to be hired. 95% of the applicants failed.
Quote from: larryJ on January 26, 2011, 11:16:12 AM
Today's------------------------OOOOOKAAAY
Determine your personal skill level and intelligence quotient by taking the following short exam. The questions are NOT that difficult. Your should answer all of them correctly.
1.. How do you get five gorillas into a Volkswagen?
Answer: Open the door, let them get in, then close the door. This question probes the tendency of some people to overthink simple tasks.
2. How do you get a grizzly bear into a Volkswagen?
Answer: Did you say, "Open the door, let him get in, then close the door?" Wrong. You have to let the five gorillas out first. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal did not attend? Correct answer: the grizzly bear. He's in the Volkswagen. This question tests your memory.
_______________________________________________
In 1837, Michigan became the 26th state.
In 1861, Louisiana passed an Ordinance of Secession, 113-17, at the state capitol in Baton Rouge, becoming the sixth state to break free from the United States.
In 1870, Virginia rejoined the Union.
In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.
In 1996, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a grand jury connected to the Whitewater probe.
_____________________________________________________
Today----------------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 88, Actress Joan Leslie is 86, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 82. Actor Scott Glenn is 72, Activist Angela Davis is 67 and Sportscaster Bob Uecker is 76.
______________________________________________________
January 26th is: Cockroach Race Day, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.
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Larryj
Today's-------------I think this one was on here somewhere before
It was teacher's birthday and all he students brought gifts. The florist's son handed her a long box. She said, "Oh, flowers! Thank you!" The boy said, "How did you know?" She said, "Oh, a lucky guess."
The candy shop owner's daughter handed the teacher a heart-shaped box. Teacher said, "I love candy! Thank you!" The girl said, "How did you know?" Teacher said, "Oh, another lucky guess."
The liquor store owner's son gave teacher a large package that was leaking from one corner. Teacher touched the liquid and tasted it. She said, "Oh, beer! Thank you." The boy said, "It's not beer." Teacher tasted the liquid again. She asked, "Is it champagne?" The boy said excitedly, "No, it's not champagne."
The teacher was stumped. "What is it?" she asked.
The boy shouted with glee, "It's a puppy!"
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In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.
In 1973, the Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, greeted the 52 former American hostages held by Iran at the White House.
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Today----------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 81, Actor James Cromwell is 71, Actor John Witherspoon is 69 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 63.
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January 27th is: Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day, Auschwitz Liberation Day and Holocaust Memorial Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------old but funny
A recently retired man and his wife were at the breakfast table, finishing their coffee.
Wife: "What are you planning to do today?"
Hubby: "Nothing. Absolutely nothing whatsoever."
Wife: "That's what you did yesterday."
Hubby: "I know, and I'm not done yet."
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In 1909, the United States withdrew its forces from Cuba as Jose Miguel Gomez became president.
In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.
In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven of its crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.
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Today-----------------Musician-composer Acker Bilk is 82, Actor Nicholas Pryor is 76, Actor Alan Alda is 75, Actress Susan Howard is 69, Actress Martha Keller is 66 and Actress-singer Barbie Benton is 61.
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January 28th is: Data Privacy Day, Fun At Work Day, and Thank A Plug-in Developer Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------another old but funny
A driver is pulled over by a policeman, who approaches the vehicle and says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see you driver's license , please?"
"I don't have one. It was suspended because of all my drunk driving convictions."
"You're in trouble, then, sir. Do you have registration papers for this vehicle?"
"No, I stole the car. And I murdered the owner. The body is in the trunk."
The officer draws his weapon, then calls for backup. The S.W.A.T team arrives and the commanding officer takes over the case, ordering the driver out of the car.
The motorist says, "Is there a problem, officer?"
"Open the trunk."
The motorist opens the trunk. It's empty.
"Is this your vehicle?"
The motorist hands over the registration papers. And his drivers license.
The S.W.A.T. commander is confused. "The officer who stopped you said that had no license or registration, the car was stolen, and there was a body in the trunk."
"For heaven's sake. What else did he say? That I was speeding or something.
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In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified.
In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, N.Y.
________________________________________________________________
Today----------Actor Noel Harrison is 77, Author Germaine Greer is 72, Actress Katherine Ross is 71, Actor Mark Singer is 68, Actress Ann Jillian is 61 and Actor Tom Selleck is 66.
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January 29th is: World Leprosy Day, Curmudgeon Day, Free Thinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, National Seed Swap Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------it's Sunday
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"
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In 1882 the 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was born in Hyde Park, NY.
In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy delivered his first State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress.
In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.
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Today--------------Actress Dorothy Malone is 86, Actress Tammy Grimes is 77, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 74, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 74, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 74, Country singer Norma Jean is 73, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 70, Singer-musician Phil Collins is 60, Actor Charles S. Dutton is 60 and Actor Gene Hackman is 81.
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January 30th is: Inane Answering Machine Message Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------so true
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course. It didn't take long for the complaints to start.
"These hills are getting steeper by the year," said one.
"These fairways are longer, too," said another.
"These sand traps are bigger than I remember," said the third.
Finally, the fourth had heard enough. "Stop complaining," he said. "We're lucky, at our age, to be on this side of the grass."
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In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named General-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.
In 1945, Pvt. Eddie Slovik, 24, became the first U.S. soldier since the Civil War to be executed for desertion as he was shot by an American firing squad in France.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.
In 1958, the United States entered the Space Age with its first successful launch of a satellite into orbit, Explorer I.
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Today-----------------Actress Carol Channing is 90, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 80, Actor Stuart Margolin is 71, Blues Singer-musician Charlie Musselwhite is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 64 and Actress Jessica Walter is 70.
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January 31 is: Inspire Your Heart With Art Day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------another oldie but goodie
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
The watch commander promised that an officer would be dispatched to the scene. A few minutes later, however, the drunk called again and said, "Never mind. I got in the back seat by mistake."
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In 1790, the U.S. Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York. (However, since only three of the six justices were present, the court recessed until the next day.)
In 1861, Texas voted to leave the Union, 166-8, at a Secession Convention in Austin.
In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, NC, where they'd been refused service.
In 1961, the U.S. Air Force successfully test-fired the Minuteman I, its first solid-fuel intercontinental ballistic missile, from a test site in Florida.
IN 1991, 34 people were killed when an arriving USAir jetliner crashed atop a commuter plane on a runway at Los Angeles International Airport.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry, killing all seven of its crew members.
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Today------------America's last surviving World War I veteran Frank Buckles is 110, Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 102, Actor Stuart Whitman is 83, Singer Don Everly is 74, Actor Garret Morris is 74. Jazz musician Joe Sample is 72 and Opera singer Carol Neblett is 65.
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February 1st is: Freedom Day, African-American Coaches Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day (actually all month) and Working Naked Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------Hah
The Department of Psychiatry at a prestigious West Coast medical university advertised in the Sunday newspaper, seeking participants in a study of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Department researchers hoped to recruit a large, diverse group of individuals who had been diagnosed with the disorder.
On Monday, the department chairman checked in with her secretary and asked, "Any volunteers yet for the OCD study?"
The secretary said, "Are you kidding? We've received 300 calls so far this morning."
The chairman, astonished, said, "Wow! That's great!"
The secretary said, "Not really. They're all from the same person."
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In 1653, New Amsterdam -- now New York City -- was incorporated.
In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.
In 1876, the National League of Professional Base Ball Clubs was formed in New York.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman sent a 10-point civil rights program to Congress, where the proposals ran into fierce opposition from southern lawmakers.
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Today----------Actress Elaine Stritch is 86, Actor Robert Mandan is 79, Comedian Tom Smothers is 74, Rock singer-guitarist Graham Nash is 69, Actor Bo Hopkins is 69, Country singer Howard Bellamy is 65, Actor Jack McGee is 62 and Actor Brent Spiner is 62.
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February 2nd is: Sled Dog Day, Candlemas, Crepe Day, Hedgehog Day, National Girls and Women Sports Day, Groundhog Job Shadow Day, and Groundhog Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------out of the mouths, etc.
"Oh, I sure am glad to see you!" little Dennis cried as he ran to the door to greet his grandmother on his mother's side.
Grandma, very flattered, said, "Aren't you the sweetest little boy! Tell me, why are you so happy to see me?"
"Now daddy will do his trick!" Dennis said.
"What trick is that?"
"Oh, he's been saying he will climb the walls if you come to visit!"
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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for a federal income tax was ratified.
In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P "Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
In 1974, New York City police officer Frank Serpico, who had charged there was widespread corruption in the NYPD, was shot and seriously wounded during a drug bust in Brooklyn.
In 1991, the rate for a first-class postage stamp rose to 29 cents.
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Today-------------------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 85, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 71, Actress Bridget Hanley is 70, Actress Blythe Danner is 68, Singer Dennis Edwards is 68, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 66, Singer Melanie is 64 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 61.
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February 3rd is: Four Chaplains Memorial Day, The Day The Music Died, and Chinese New Year (which we were going to celebrate tonight in China Town, but it has been postponed to Saturday.)
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Larryj
Today's--------------that's common sense
Three strangers happened to stand side-by-side at the Grand Canyon. One was an artist, the second was a pastor and the third was a cowboy.
Each one searched for the right words to describe their feelings as they gazed upon the might abyss.
The artist said, "Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint."
The pastor cried, "What a perfect example of God's handiwork."
The cowboy shook his head and said, "Now there's one lousy place to lose a cow."
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In 1789, electors chose General George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
In 1861, delegates from six southern states that had recently seceded from the Union met in Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America.
In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
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Today------------Actor William Phipps is 89, Actor Conrad Bain is 88. Actor Gary Conway is 75. Rock musician John Steel (The Animals) is 70, Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 67, Former Vice-President Dan Quayle is 64, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 63 and Actor Michael Beck is 62.
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February 4th is: Bubble Gum Day, Give Kids a Smile Day, Quacker Day, Liberace Day, Wear Red Day, USO Day and World Cancer Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------problem easily fixed
Just before moving into final position for take-off, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Passengers were told that the pilot had been bothered by a noise in the engine.
There was an hour's delay. But then passengers were told to buckle up again and prepare for take-off. The plane started moving into position. One of the passengers said to a flight attendant, "Well, I guess they fixed the noise in the engine, right?"
The flight attendant said, "No, they just found a different pilot."
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In 1917, Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, an immigration act severely curtailing the influx of Asians.
In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.
In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell stepped onto the surface of the moon in the first of two lunar excursions.
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Today--------------Country singer Claude King is 88, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 77. Actor Stuart Damon is 74, Actor David Selby is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 69, Racing Hall-of-Famer Darrell Waltrip is 64, Actress Barbara Hershey is 63, Actor Christopher Guest is 63 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 63.
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February 5th is: Weatherpersons Day, World Nutella Day, MOBIUS Day and Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA, Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------old and true
There are important differences between your work station and a prison cell.
In prison, you spend your time in a confined space. At work, you spend your time in a much smaller one.
In prison, you get three free meals a day. At work, you get a single meal break and you must pay for your own food.
In prison, you watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share with others.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At. work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
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In 1911, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, was born in Tampico, IL.
In 1991, comedian and television performer Danny Thomas died in Los Angeles at age 79.
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Today--------------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 94, Actor Patrick Macnee is 89, Actor Rip Torn is 80, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 80, Former NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw is 71, Singer Fabian is 68, Actress Gayle Hunnicutt is 68, Actor Michael Tucker is 67, Singer Natalie Cole is 61 and Actor Mike Farrell is 72.
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February 6th is: Dump Your Significant Jerk Day and Super Bowl XLV.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------was a stupid thing about adding your age that you will be this year and the last two numbers of the year you were born and it would add up to 111. Example: Born in 43, add 43 and 68 and it equals 111. Also, the current calendar year features the following dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 and 11/11/11. Back to the archives.
Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The guy replies, "24 years."
St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
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In 1861, the general counsel of the Choctaw Indian nation adopted a resolution declaring allegiance with the South "in the event a permanent dissolution of the American Union takes place.'
In 1931, aviator Amelia Earhart married publisher George P. Putnam in Noank, Conn.
In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year.
In 1948, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower resigned as Army chief of staff; he was succeeded by Gen. Omar Bradley.
In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk, which lasted nearly six hours.
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Today-----------Country singer Wilma Lee Cooper is 90 and Author Gay Telese is 79.
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February 7th is: Ballet Day and Wave Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day. (Didn't say how many or which one.)
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Larryj
Today's------------------------Yep
A used-car salesman waxed eloquent as he showed off a vehicle to a prospective buyer. He pointed out the paint job, the tires and the interior. He reached in, turned the key, and started up the engine. "Yes, sir," he exclaimed, "This car is a real opportunity."
The customer cocked his head, listened, then said, "It does sound like an opportunity. I can hear it knocking."
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In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.
In 1960, work began on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, located at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine Street in Los Angeles.
In 2007, model, actress and tabloid sensation Anna Nicole Smith died in Florida at age 39 of an accidental drug overdose.
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Today----------Composer-conductor John Williams is 79, Actor Nick Nolte is 70. Comedian Robert Klein is 69, Actor-rock musician Creed Bratton is 68, Singer Ron Tyson is 63, Actress Brooke Adams is 62 and Former ABC News anchor Ted Koppel s 71.
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February 8th is: Extraterrestrial Culture Day, Boy Scout Anniversary and Laugh and Get Rich Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------manners please!
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. I'll never forget 6-year-old Lizzie, for example. As soon as she saw the needle, she screamed, "NO! NO! NO!"
Her mother scolded her, "Lizzie, that's not polite."
The girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.
In 1861, Jefferson Davis was elected provisional president of the Confederate States of America at a congress held in Montgomery, Alabama. (He was inaugurated on Feb. 18.)
In 1943, the World War II battle of Guadalcanal in the southwest Pacific ended with an Allied victory over Japanese forces.
In 1964, the Beatles made their first live American television appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show" broadcast from New York on CBS.
In 1971, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake in the San Fernando Valley claimed 65 lives.
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Today----------Television journalist Roger Mudd is 83, Actress Janet Suzman is 72, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 69, Actor Joe Pesci is 68, Singer Barbara Lewis is 68, Author Alice Walker is 67, Actress Mia Farrow is 66, Singer Joe Ely is 64 and Actress Judith Light is 62.
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February 9th is: National Stop Bullying Day and Read In The Bathtub Day.
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Larry
Today's------------------Hah
Morris needs a lawyer. He checks online and picks out a law firm:
SCHWARTZ, SCHWARTZ, SCHWARTZ AND SCHWARTZ.
He calls and asks, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man on the other end says, "No, he is out playing golf."
Morris says, "OK, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any longer. He retired last month."
"Fine, just let me talk to Mr. Schwartz, then."
"He's at a conference in Boston, and won't be back until next week."
"Alright. Put Mr. Schwartz on the line, please."
"Speaking."
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In 1949, Arthur Miller's play "Death of a Salesman" opened at Broadway's Morosco Theater with Lee J. Cobb as Willy Loman.
In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.
In 1968, U.S. figure skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.
In 1981, eight people were killed when a fire set by a busboy broke out at the Las Vegas Hilton hotel-casino.
IN 2005, playwright Arthur Miller died in Roxbury, Conn., at age 89 on the 56th anniversary of the Broadway opening of his "Death of a Salesman."
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Today-------------Opera singer Leontyne Price is 84, Actor Robert Wagner is 81, Rock musician Don Wilson (The Ventures) is 78, Singer Roberta Flack is 74, Singer Jimmy Merchant (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 71 and Olympic gold-medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 61.
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February 10th is: Plimsoll Day. (I know, I know, I had to look it up, also.)
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Larryj
Today's--------------------you can't outsmart a cat
A man hated his girlfriend's cat and decided to get rid of it. He drove it two miles away, dropped it off, then returned to the house. The cat had beat him back. It was curled on the porch.
Next day, the man drove the cat five miles away and dropped it off. Again, the cat beat him back.
Next day, the man drove the cat ten miles away, into a totally unfamiliar part of town. He dropped it off.
Hours later, the girlfriend answered the phone. It was her boyfriend.
"Hey, Jen, is the cat there?" he asked.
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"Put it on the phone, will you? I'm lost and I need directions."
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In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln bade farewell to his adopted hometown of Springfield, IL., as he headed to Washington for his inauguration. The same day, the U.S. House of Representatives unanimously adopted a resolution guaranteeing non-interference with slavery in any state.
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Today----------Actor Conrad Janis is 83, Actress Tina Louise is 77, Actor Burt Reynolds is 75, Songwriter Gerry Coffin is 72, Actor Sonny Landham is 70, Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 70 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Clay is 69.
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February 11th is: Satisfied Staying Single Day, Be Electrific Day, Pro Sports Wives Day, Shut-in Visitation Day and White Shirt Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------smart kid
A young boy was admiring Farmer Smith's tomatoes. "I'll give you my two cents for that one," said the boy, pointing to a particularly large, ripe specimen.
"No," Farmer Smith said, "I can get ten cents for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a small green one, and said, "Will you take two cents for that one?"
"Yes," the farmer replied, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," the lad said, [putting his coins into Farmer Smith's hand. I'll be back in a week or two to pick it up."
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In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.
In 1915, the cornerstone for the Lincoln Memorial was laid in Washington, D.C., a year to the day after groundbreaking.
In 1959, the redesigned Lincoln penny, with an image of the Lincoln Memorial replacing two ears of wheat on the reverse side, went into circulation.
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Today-----------Actor Louis Zorich is 87, Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Joe Garagiola is 85, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 77, Actor Joe Don Baker is 75, Author Judy Blume is 73, Country Singer Moe Bandy is 67, Actress Maude Adams is 66, Actor Cliff DeYoung is 65 and Actor Michael Ironside is 61.
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February 12th is: Darwin Day, Daytona Pole Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day, and Safety Pup Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------oooooooooh
A woman sat on the 50-yard line at the Super Bowl with an empty seat beside her. Another woman, seated nearby, leaned over and said to the first woman, "It's hard to believe that someone is letting a prime seat like that go to waste."
The first woman said somberly, "Well, the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to be here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not attended together since we were married in 1967."
"Oh, that's so sad," the second woman said. "Couldn't you find someone else to come with you? A friend? A relative? A neighbor?"
The first woman shook her head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.
In 1920, the League of Nations recognized the perpetual neutrality of Switzerland.
In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, allied warplanes destroyed an underground shelter in Baghdad that had been identified as a military command center; Iraqi officials said 500 civilians were killed.
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Today------Former test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 88, Actress Kim Novak is 78, Actor George Segal is 77, Actress Carol Lynley is 69, Singer-musician Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 69, Actress Stockard Channing is 67, Talk Show host Jerry Springer is 67, Actor Bo Svenson is 67, Singer Peter Gabriel is 61 and Actor David Naughton is 60.
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February 13th is: Man Day, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and Grammy Awards Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------smart
An old, wrinkled, bald guy was in the next line at the post office. He carried a large crate. I could see that the crate was full of pink cards, all neatly addressed, all with "Love" stamps on them. And I could smell that the cards were perfumed.
I eavesdropped as he made his way to the front of the line.
"Well, well," the postal clerk said. "What do we have here?"
The man said, matter of factly, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine's Day cards, all of them signed 'Guess who?'"
The clerk said, "Aren't you romantic!"
He shook his head and said, "No, I'm a divorce lawyer."
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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established. (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)
In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; it's first president was Maud Wood Park.
In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capon's gang were gunned down.
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Today-------------TV Personality Hugh Downs is 90, Actress-Singer Florence Henderson is 77, Actor Andrew Prine is 75, Country Singer Razzy Bailey is 72, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 68, Move director Alan Parker is 67, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 67, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 63 and Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 63.
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February 14th is: (Hang on) Clean Out Your Computer Day, Ferris Wheel Day, National Have a Heart Day, National Condom Day, (World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League of Women Voter's Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Day, National Donor Day, Race Relations Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day, Shrovetide (14-16), Westminster Dog Day (14-15) and of course, Valentine's Day. Happy Valentines to all of you.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------------------ouch
An usher in a small town movie theater in a small Midwestern town noticed a man sprawled across three seats. He approached and said, "Sorry, sir, but you only are allowed the one seat." The man mumbled something but didn't budge.
The usher fetched the manager. The manager also had no luck rousing the man, despite repeated attempts. The manager called the police.
The cop surveyed the situation, then shook the man. "OK, buddy, what's your name?"
The man moaned and groaned and mumbled, "Sam."
The cop said, "Sam, where are you from?"
Sam replied, "The balcony."
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In 1820, American suffragist Susan B. Anthony was born in Adams, MA.
In 1879. President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court.
In 1933. President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak; gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed more than four weeks later.
In 1961. 73 people, including an 18-member U.S. figure skating team en route to the World Championships in Czechoslovakia, were killed in the crash of a Sabena Airlines Boeing 707 in Belgium.
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Today-------------Actor Allan Arbus is 93, Actress Claire Bloom is 80, Author Susan Brownmiller is 76, Songwriter Brian Holland is 70, Jazz musician Henry Threadgill is 67, Actress Jane Seymour is 60 and Singer Melissa Manchester is 60.
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Februay 15th is: Lupercalia, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------this one for sure is going to get me in deep trouble, but I'm posting it anyway.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
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In 1862, during the Civil War, some 14,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered at Fort Donelson, Tennessee; (Union General Ulysses S. Grant's victory earned him the nickname "Unconditional Surrender Grant.")
In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City.
In 1945, American troops landed on the island of Corregidor in the Philippines during World War II.
In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.
In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated, in Haleyville, Alabama.
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Today-------------Singer Patty Andrews is 93, Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 65 and Actor William Katt is 60.
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February 16 is: Kyoto Protocol Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------Hee Hee
The Indians asked their chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the chief goes back to his people and orders them to collect every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" The man replies, "Are you kidding? The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
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In 1801, the U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, electing Jefferson president. Burr became vice president.
In 1864, during the Civil War, the Union ship USS Housatonic was rammed and sunk in Charleston Harbor, SC, by the Confederate hand-cranked submarine H.L. Hundley, which also sank.
In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.
In 1964, the Supreme Court, in Wesberry v. Sanders, ruled that congressional districts within each state had to be roughly equal in population.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon departed n his historic trip to China.
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Today-----------------Bandleader Orrin Tucker is 100. Actor Hal Holbrook is 86, Mystery writer Ruth Rendell is 81, Singer Bobby Lewis is 78, Country singer-songwriter Johnny Bush is 76, Actress Christina Pickles is 76, Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 72, Actress Brenda Fricker is 66 and Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 75.
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February 17th is: My Way Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------yuck
A tourist arrives in Seattle and it's raining.
He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
On the fifth day, it's raining again. He goes out to lunch and he asks the waitress, "Hey, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The waitress says, "How would I know? I'm only 23."
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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.
In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet") was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.
In 1960. the 8th Winter Olympic games were formally opened in Squaw Valley by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.
In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 (those convictions were later reversed.)
In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its maiden "flight" above the Mojave Desert.
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Today----------Former Cosmopolitan Editor Helen Gurley Brown is 89, Actor George Kennedy is 86, Author Toni Morrison is 80, Singer Yoko Ono is 78, Singer Irma Thomas is 70, Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 70, Singer Dennis DeYoung is 64, Actress Sinead Cusack is 63 and Actress Cybil Shepherd is 61.
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Febrary 18th is: Battery Day, Pluto Day and Perigean Spring Tide Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------Hmmm, let me think
The curious little boy asked his mother, "So, if Santa Claus brings all the presents, and God gives us our daily bread, and the stork delivers the babies, what does Daddy do around here?"
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In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the military to relocate and intern U.S. residents, including native-born Americans of Japanese ancestry.
In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.
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Today------Singer Smoky Robinson is 71, Singer Bobby Rogers (Smoky Robinson and the Miracles) is 71, Actress Carlin Glynn is 71, Singer Lou Christie is 68 and Actor Michael Nader is 66.
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February 19th is: Clam Chowder Day, Chocolate Mint Day, World Day for Social Justice, Iwo Jima Day, Love your pet day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Daytona 500.
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Larryj
Addendum-----Apparently the Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day is actually celebrated on Feb. 20, according to the Internet. I had to look it up to see what it was. Since I did, I will share it with you.
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo day is the day when all the town's citizens go outside at high noon and shout, "Hoodie Hoo" to chase away the winter in preparation for the arrival of spring in one month. People are known to get a little weird on this day, wearing crazy hats and doing stupid things.
Larryj
Today's--------------------hah
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." The guy goes to a second bar, and the same thing happens. He goes to a third bar, but this time he puts on a pair of dark glasses. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow dogs." The guy protests, "But this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender says, "Sir, your dog is a chihuahua." The guy exclaims, "They gave me a CHIHUAHUA!?"
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In 1950, the U.S. Supreme Court in United States vs. Rabinowitz, ruled 5-3 that authorities making a lawful arrest did not need a warrant to search and seize evidence in an area that was in the "immediate and complete control" of the suspect.
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Today-----------------Fashion designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 87, Actor Sidney Poitier is 84, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 77. Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 74, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 69, Actress Sandy Duncan is 65, Rock musician J. Geils is 65 and Actor Peter Strauss is 64.
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There are times, and I know this is truly hard to believe, but I goofed yesterday. All of the daily celebrations posted yesterday, with the exception of the landing at Iwo Jima are actually supposed to be today. Hence, my confusion about Hoodie Hoo day being on the 20th rather than the 19th.
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Larryj
Today's------------------know the feeling
The former sorority sisters remained friends after graduation. They decided to celebrate their 10-year reunion, and they chose the Ocean's Edge restaurant because of the cute waiters there. A decade later, the celebrated their 20-year reunion, and they chose the Ocean's Edge restaurant because of its outstanding cuisine. A decade later, they met again at the Ocean's Edge restaurant, because they loved the view there. A decade later, they picked the Ocean's Edge restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet. A decade later, they decided on the Ocean's Edge, because it was wheelchair accessible. A decade later, it was time for their 60-year reunion. They discussed where they should meet. Finally, it was agreed that they should try the Ocean's Edge because they had never been there before.
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In 1846, Sarah G. Bagley became the first female telegrapher as she took charge at the newly opened telegraph office in Lowell, Mass.
In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
In 1925, "The New Yorker" magazine made its debut.
In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon began his historic visit to China as he and his wife, Pat, arrived in Beijing.
In 1995, Chicago adventurer Steve Fossett became the first person to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean in a balloon, landing in Leader, Saskatchewan.
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Today--------Movie director Bob Rafelson is 78, Actor Gary Lockwood is 74, Actor-director Richard Beymer is 72, Film/music company executive David Geffen is 68, Actor Alan Rickman is 65, Actress Tyne Daly is 65 and Actor Anthony Daniels is 65.
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February 21st is: International Mother Language Day and President's Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old and a repeat, but funny
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was furious. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
Bob left early in the morning. Later, when his wife woke up, she looked out the window and there was a small gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she went outside and collected the box, brought it inside, and opened it. She found a brand-new bathroom scale.
It's been almost a week, and Bob is still missing.
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In 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born in Westmoreland County in the Virginia colony.
In 1973, the United States and China agreed to establish liaison offices.
In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" took place in Lake Placid NY as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets, 4-3. (The U.S. went on to win the gold medal.)
In 1984, 12-year-old David Vetter , who'd spent most of his life in a plastic bubble because he had no immunity to disease, died 15 days after being removed from the bubble for a bone-marrow transplant.
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Today-------------Announcer Don Pardo is 93, Hollywood "ghost singer" Marni Nixon is 81, Actor John Ashton is 63, Actress Miou-Miou is 61 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 61.
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February 22nd is: Spay Day USA, National Margarita Day, Single Tasking Day, World Thinking Day and Washington's Birthday.
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NOTE: Today is the beginning of our week trip to the beach. I have been told there is Internet service there. However, if you don't see any postings from me, they lied.
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Larryj
Today's------------Yeaaah, they didn't lie, wi-fi hookup-and a new laptop, old one couldn't survive.
A blonde woman named Shannon found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Shannon, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
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In 1718, Baron Von Struben joined the Continental Army at Valley Forge.
In 1813, first U.S. cotton-to-cloth mill founded in Waltham, Mass.
In 1836, the Alamo was beseiged by Santa Ana; entire garrison was killed.
In 1954, the first mass innoculation of Salk Vaccine took place in Pittsburg, PA.
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Today-------------Baseball player Elston Howard, New York Yankees catcher and the first New York Yankee black player is 82, Actress Diane Varsi is 73, Actress Majel Barrett (Christine Chapel on Star Trek) is 72, Actor Peter Fonda is 71, NFL Wide Receiver Fred Belitnikoff is 68, Singer Larry Demps is 61, Actress Patricia Richardson is 60, NFL Linebacker Ed "Too Tall" Jones is 60.
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February 23rd is: Curling is Cool Day, Iwo Jima Day (flag raising), Inconvenience Yourself Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------hah
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
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In 1836, Col Travis sends for help for the Alamo.
In 1868, President Andrew Johnson impeached.
In 1968, the Tet Offensive was halted.
In 1991, the Gulf War ground offensive began.
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Today------------Actor Abe Vigoda is 90, Actor Steven Hill is 89, Actor Dominic Chianese is 80, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 79, Actor James Farentino is 73, Actor Barry Bostwick is 66, Singer Producer Rupert Holmes is 64, Actor Edward James Olmos is 64, Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 60 and Actress Helen Shaver is 60.
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February 24th is: Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day, National Chili Day and National Personal Chefs Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------whoops
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend...
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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In 1779, during the Revolutionary War, the British surrendered Ft. Sackville.
In 1862, the Legal Tender Act was passed.
In 1964, Cassius Clay (Mohammed Ali) knocked out Sonny Liston.
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Today--------------------------------Country singer Ralph Stanley is 84, Actress Diane Baker is 73 and Actress Karen Grassle is 67.
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February 25th is: Nothing listed
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Larryj
Today's------------------dang it
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
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In 1929, Grand Teton National Park was established.
In 1984, the last of the U.S. Marines left Beirut.
In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed.
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Today--------------Singer Fats Domino is 83, Guitarist Paul Cotton (Poco) is 68 and Singer Mitch Ryder is 66.
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February 26th is: American Birkenbeider Race Day, For Pete's Sake Day, Levi Strauss Day, Open That Bottle Night and International Swordswallowers Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------another one that will get me in trouble
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
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In 1827, a group of masked and costumed students danced in the streets of New Orleans marking the beginning of the city's famous Mardi Gras celebration.
In 1864, during the Civil War, federal prisoners began arriving at Andersonville prison.
In 1922, the Supreme Court defended women's right to vote.
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Today-----------Actress Joanne Woodward is 81, Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 79, Actress Barbara Babcock is 74 and Actor Howard Hesseman is 71.
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February 27th is: Academy Awards Night
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Larryj
Today's----------------------hah
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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In 1784, John Wesley chartered the first Methodist Church in the U.S.
In 1861, Congress created the Colorado Territory.
In 1940, Racing legend Mario Andretti was born.
In 1983, the final episode of M.A.S.H. was aired.
In 1993, federal agents raided the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas.
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Today-------------Actor Charles Durning is 88, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 80, Actor-dancer-director Tommy Tune is 72, Singer Joe South is 71 and Actress Bernadette Peters is 63.
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February 28th is: Floral Design Day, National Tooth Fairy Day, Purim and Rare Disease Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------back in the home crib, vacation is over.
Chris was the adorable four-year-old son of Pat and Jim. He was known for his friendly ways, and neighbors often invited him into their homes.
One weekend, he was asked by neighbors Keith and Kelly to come inside for freshly baked sugar cookies and a glass of ice-cold lemonade. While Keith poured the lemonade, Kelly refilled the ice trays with water at the kitchen sink and put them in the freezer.
Little Chris was curious. His own mom used the kind of ice that comes in bags at the supermarket. So he asked Kelly, "What are you doing?"
Kelly said, "I'm making ice cubes."
Chris, not missing a beat, said, "Don't you know you can buy those?"
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In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. census.
In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, NJ. (Remains identified as those of the child were found the following May.)
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed an executive order establishing the Peace Corps.
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Today----------------Actor Robert Clary is 85, Singer Harry Belafonte is 84, Actor Robert Conrad is 76, Rock singer Roger Daltry is 67, Actor Dirk Benedict is 66 and Actor Alan Thicke is 64.
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March 1st is: Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day, National Horse Protection Day, Peace Corps Birthday, Pig Day, Plan a Solo Vacation Day and Refired, not Retired Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------that'll show 'em
I don't want to say my wife is a ditz, but let me tell you what happened the other night. We couldn't sleep a wink because our neighbor's dog wouldn't stop barking. Finally, my wife jumped out of bed, announced, "I've had enough of this," and went outside. She returned about 15 minutes later and climbed back into bed. I said, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" She said, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
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In 1836, the Republic of Texas formally declared its independence from Mexico.
In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act.
In 1990, more than 6,000 drivers went on strike against Greyhound Lines, Inc. (The company, later declaring an impasse in negotiations, fired the strikers.)
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Today---------------Actor John Cullum is 81, Author Tom Wolfe is 81, Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev is 80, Actress Barbara Luna is 72, Actor Jon Finch is 70, Author John Irving is 69, Singer Lou Reed is 69 and Actress Cassie Yates is 60,,
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March 2nd is: Namesake Day, Dr. Seuss Day and NEA's Read Across America Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------happens to me too
The old man approached a beautiful woman at the mall and said, "Excuse me, I seem to have lost my wife in the crowd here. Do you mind if we talk for a minute? I'm sure it will help."
The beautiful woman said, "How is that going to help?"
The old man said, "Every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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In 1931, President Herbert Hoover signed a congressional resolution making "The Star-Spangled Banner" the national anthem of the United States.
In 1969, Apollo 9 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a mission to test the lunar module.
In 1991, motorist Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police officers in a scene captured on amateur video. Riots ensued in South Los Angeles causing millions of dollars in damages.
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Today---------------------Bluegrass singer-musician Doc Watson is 88, Socialite Lee Radziwill is 78, Actress Hattie Winston is 66, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 64 and Actor-director Tim Kazurinsky is 61.
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March 3rd is: International Sister Cities Day, I Want You To Be Happy Day, National Anthem Day, Peace Corps Day and What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposing thumbs? Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------works for me
A young lady visited an online dating service and typed in the characteristics she sought in a mate.
"Must be sleek and good looking. Must be knowledgeable and humorous. Must be good at singing and dancing. Must be willing to provide companionship at any time. Must tell me interesting stories when I want to be entertained, and be silent when I want to rest."
She entered all the info, then waited for a reply. It came in just a moment:
"Buy a television."
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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York. (The lawmakers then adjourned for lack of a quorum.)
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th president of the United States. And, the U.S. Government Printing Office began operation. And, The Confederate States of America adopted as its flag the original version of the Stars and Bars (not to be confused with the more familiar Confederate Battle Flag.)
In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.
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Today-------------Actress Paula Prentiss is 73, Singer Bobby Womack is 67 and Author James Ellroy is 63,
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March 4th is: Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, Employee Appreciation Day, International Scrapbooking Industry Day, March Fourth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day, Shabbat Across America Day, Toy Soldier Day and World Day of Prayer.
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Larryj
Have you been to Kings Canyon? I was amazed how deep it is and a very beautiful area and drive.
Diane, I have been there a few times. When my daughter was in high school, her church group used to have a summer camp in that area. We would go to see her, but also enjoyed the redwoods and the scenery.
Today's--------------------------ouch
A businesswoman on an airplane found herself seated next to an elegant society lady wearing designer clothes and a fabulous hairdo. The society lady was wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring that the businesswoman ever had seen.
Finally, the businesswoman couldn't help herself. She said, "Pardon me, but I can't help admiring your ring. It's so beautiful."
The society lady said, "Yes, this is the Kruckstein diamond. It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?"
"Mr. Kruckstein."
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In 1953, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died after three decades in power.
In 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the Army.
In 1963, country music performers Patsy Cline, "Cowboy" Copas and "Hawkshaw" Hawkins died in a plane crash near Camden, Tennessee, that also claimed the life of pilot Randy Hughes (Cline's manager.)
In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood. He was 33.
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Today-----------Actor James Noble is 89, Actor James B. Sikking is 77, Actor Dean Stockwell is 75, Actor Fred Williamson is 73, Actress Samantha Eggar is 72, Actor Michael Warren is 65, Actor Eddie Hodges is 64 and Singer Eddy Grant is 63.
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March 5th is: Potty Dance Day, Saint Piran's Day and USA Memory Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------another "from the mouths of babes"
Little Courtney noticed that her mom was starting to get a few white hairs. She asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"
Her mom replied, "Every time you are bad, it makes one of my hairs turn white."
Courtney thought for a minute, then said, "Wow, you must have been very bad when you were a little girl because ALL of grandma's hairs are white!"
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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.
In 1967, the daughter of Josef Stalin, Svetlana Alliluyeva, appeared at the U.S. Embassy in New Delhi and declared her intention to defect to the West.
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Today--------------Orchestra leader Julius Rudel is 90, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 85, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 71, Singer Mary Wilson (The Supremes) is 67, Actress Anna Maria Horsford is 64, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 64, Singer Kiki Dee is 64 and Rock singer-musician David Gilmour (Pink Floyd) is 65.
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March 6th is: Namesake Day, Shrovetide (6-8), and U.S. Snowshoe Day.
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Larryj
I like to surf and find out about the days that are celebrated sometimes just to see what they are and where and how they are observed. Today's listing included Namesake Day, which is a day for you to search for your namesake and, if you so desire, make contact with them. It appears that Namesake Day is actually on March 7th. My source, the local paper, was in error.
Larryj
Today's----------------another oldie
There were three brothers, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. They were in good health, but they were getting a little forgetful. One night the 96-year-old ran a bath. He put one foot in, then paused for a long time. Finally, he yelled, "I can't remember. Was I getting in the tub or out?"
The 94-year-old hollered back, "Do you need help?" He headed up the stairs, but paused on the landing. He shouted, "Holy cow. Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92-year-old was having coffee in the kitchen. He muttered to himself, "For Pete's sake, I hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on the wood table for good luck. Then he called out loudly, "Hold on! I'll come up and help both of you, as soon as I see who's at the door."
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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.
In 1911, President William Howard Taft ordered 20,000 troops to patrol the U.S.-Mexico border in response to the Mexican Revolution.
In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place between New York and London.
In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show," nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.
In 1965, a march by civil rights demonstrators was broken up in Selma, Alabama, by state troopers and sheriff's posse.
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Today-------------Comedian Alan Sues is 85, TV personality Willard Scott is 77, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 71, Former Walt Disney Co. Chief executive officer Michael Eisner is 69, Rock musician Chris White (The Zombies) is 68, Actor John Heard is 65, Rock singer Peter Wolf is 65 and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 61.
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March 7th is: Casimar Pulaski Day, Daughters and Sons Day, National Be Heard Day, Fun Facts About Names Day and Shrove Monday.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------Whoops! Dang it!
The mobster was on trial for a capital crime and, if convicted, faced the electric chair. He directed his men pay a visit to one of the jurors, who looked like an easy touch. The juror was offered $100,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out for an entire week, then returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the mobster sent his men to the juror's house with a suitcase full of cash.
"You did a good job," one of the men said.
The juror replied, "I know. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy convincing everyone else to vote for manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go."
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In 1782, the Gnadenhutten massacre took place as more than 90 Indians were slain by militiamen in Ohio in retaliation for raids carried out by other Indians.
In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan; within a month, he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.
In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclad CSS Virginia rammed and sank the USS Cumberland and heavily damaged the USS Congress, both frigates, off Newport News, Virginia.
In 1965, the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.
In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight of the Century" at Madison Square Garden in New York.
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Today-----------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 75, Baseball player-turned author Jim Bouton is 72, Actor-director Mickey Dolenz is 66, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 65 and Pop singer Peggy March is 63.
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March 8th is: Day For Women's Rights and International Peace Day, Girls Write Now Day, Organize Your Home Office Day, International Women's Day, Paczki Day, Pancake Day, Unique Names Day and Mardi Gras.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------------Hah
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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In 1861, the Confederate Congress, meeting in Montgomery, Alabama, authorized the issuing of paper currency, in the form of interest-bearing notes, which were initially printed by a New York firm, the National Bank Note Company.
In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico, killing 18 Americans.
In 1981, Dan Rather made his debut as principal anchorman of "The CBS Evening News."
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Today---------------Singer-actress Keely Smith is 79, Singer Lloyd Price is 78, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 77, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 75, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 75, Actress Trish Van Devere is 70, Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 68, Rock musician Robin Trower is 66, Singer Jeffery Osborne is 63 and Actress Jaime Lyn Bauer is 62,
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March 9th is: Panic Day, Learn What Your Name Means Day, Barbie Day, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Registered Dietitians Day and Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.
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Larryj
Today's------------------I've heard it before but maybe you haven't. I heard it as a Pollock joke.
Billy Bob's pregnant sister is in a terrible car accident and goes into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are doing fine and your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother-------------he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor , "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boys name?"
"Denephew."
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In 1785, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's minister to France, succeeding Benjamin Franklin.
In 1848, the Senate ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War.
In 1876, the first successful voice transmission over Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took place in Boston as his assistant heard Bell say, "Mr. Watson --- come here. I need you."
In 1949, Nazi wartime broadcaster Mildred E. Gillars, also known as "Axis Sally," was convicted in Washington, D.C., of treason. (She served 12 years in prison.)
In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.)
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Today-------------------Talk show host Ralph Emery is 78, Actor Chuck Norris is 71, Singer Dean Torrence (Jan and Dean) is 71, Actress Katharine Houghton is 66 and Actress Aloma Wright is 61.
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March 10th is: International Day of Awesomeness, Mario Day, Name Tag Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day and World Kidney Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------eewwwww
A tour bus driver has a vehicle full of senior citizens. As he's driving, he gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he eats and enjoys. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him yet another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks her why she doesn't eat them herself.
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she says, gesturing to indicate the other passengers on the bus.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why did you bring them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We love the chocolate around them!"
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In 1888, the famous Blizzard of '88 began inundating the northeastern United States, resulting in some 400 deaths.
In 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia. (MacArthur, who subsequently vowed, "I shall return," kept that promise more than 2 1/2 years later.)
In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.
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Today------------Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is 80, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 77, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 75, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 61 and Movie director Jerry Zucker is 61.
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March 11th is: Dream 2010 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day and Middle Name Pride Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------smart
The phone rings at police headquarters. "My neighbor is hiding drugs inside some logs in his shed," the caller says.
Next day, officers raid the shed, bust open every log, but find nothing. They leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house. "Hey, Bill, did the police come?" the caller said.
"They sure did."
"Did they split all your firewood for you?"
"They sure did."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.
In 1951, "Dennis The Menace," created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, made its syndicated debut in 16 newspapers.
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Today----------------Playwright Edward Albee is 83, Former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young is 79, Actress Barbara Feldon is 78, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 75, Singer Al Jareau is 71, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 63, Actor Jon Provost is 61 and Actress -singer Liza Minnelli is 65.
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March 12th is: Genealogy Day and Girl Scout Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------good one for a Sunday morning.
TOP 5 THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
5. "The blood bank mentioned this might happen."
4. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot!"
3. "Unbelievable; I thought that cold medicine said DAYTIME!"
2. "Whew! Guess I left the top off that liquid paper."
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.........Amen."
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In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.
In 1928, hundreds of people died when the San Francisquito Valley in California was inundated with water after the St. Francis Dam burst just before midnight the evening of March 12.
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Today------------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 86, Country singer Jan Howard is 81, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 72 and Actor William H. Macy is 61.
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March 13th is: (hold on)---Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, International Fanny Pack Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day, Check Your Batteries Day and Daylight Savings begins.
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Larryj
Correction-------------International Fanny Pack Day is actually observed on the second Saturday of March, so it was celebrated yesterday.
Larryj
Today's--------------variation of an older joke
The kids filed into class on Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a report.
Little Mary led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $60," she said.
"Very Good," the teacher said.
Sally was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "and I made $50."
"Nicely done," the teacher said.
Little Johnny was next. He walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,490!" he announced. "I sold toothbrushes for 10 bucks each."
"$2,490!" the teacher cried. "How did you sell that many toothbrushes? And for that much?"
"I set up a homemade fudge stand, and I gave out free samples to everyone who walked by. Everyone who tried it would spit it out immediately and say, "This tastes like cow pie!"
Then I would say, "It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.
In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.
In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to file an income tax report.
In 1951, during the Korean War, United Nations forces recaptured Seoul.
In 1961, the New Testament of the New English Bible was first published.
In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death. (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.)
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Today-----------Former Astronaut Frank Borman is 83, Singer Phil Phillips is 80, Actor Michael Caine is 78, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 77, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 72, Actor Steve Kanaly is 65, Comedian Billy Chrystal is 63 and Conductor-composer Quincy Jones is 78.
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March 14th is: International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Napping Day, Potato Chip Day and Pi Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------old
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.
Obama thanked them and said he wanted to reward them. He asked for their addresses and phone numbers, then asked them what they wanted more than anything in the world.
The first boy said he wanted to go to Disneyland. The president nodded and said, "I'll make the arrangements."
The second boy said he wanted an iPhone and a pair of Nike shoes. "I'll take care of it," the president said.
The third boy asked for a wheelchair with hydraulics, cup holders and a mounted plasma TV.
The president, puzzled, said, "Why do you want a tricked-out wheelchair? You don't look like you need one."
The boy replied, "I will, after my dad finds out I saved you."
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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.
In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain, concluding his first voyage to the Western Hemisphere.
In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.
In 1956, the musical play "My Fair Lady," based on Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion," opened on Broadway.
In 1964 actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage, his second.
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Today-------------Musician DJ Fontana is 80, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 79, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 78, Actor Judd Hirsch is 76, Rock musician Phil Lech is 71, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 70 and Rock musician Sly Stone is 68.
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March 15th is: Brutus Day, Buzzard's Day, Ides of March, True Confessions Day and World Consumer Rights Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------smart man
A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!!
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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, N.Y.
In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket, in Auburn, Mass.
In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by U.S. Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504.
In 1984, William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by terrorists (he was tortured by his captors and killed in 1985).
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Today-------------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 85, Country singer Ray Walker (The Jordanaires) is 77, Game Show host Chuck Woolery is 70, Singer-songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker is 69, Country singer Robin Williams is 64, Actor Erik Estrada is 62 and Actress Kate Nelligan is 60.
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March 16th is: Curlew Day, Freedom of Information Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, St. Urho's Day and Well-elderly or Welderly Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------Tough being a guy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
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In A.D. 461,(or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.
In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.
In 1776, British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.
In 1910, the Camp Fire Girls organization was formed. (It was formally presented to the public on this date two years later.)
In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."
In 1966, a U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb which had fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off Spain.
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Today---------------The former national chairwoman of the NAACP Myrtle Evers-Williams is 78, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 70, Singer-songwriter Jim Weatherly is 68, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful) is 67, Actor Patrick Duffy is 62 and Actor Kurt Russell is 60.
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March 17th is: Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Camp Fire Girls Day, Ta'ant Esther and St. Patrick's Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------wee wee, I mean hee hee
The three little pigs went out for dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink orders. "I want a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like to have a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" replied the third little piggie!
The drinks were brought and the waiter took their dinner orders. "I want a big, thick steak," said the first little piggie. "I want the salad plate," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" said the third little piggie!
The meals were brought out and a little while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I would like a banana split," said the first little piggie. "I want cheesecake," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" exclaimed the third little piggie!
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggie says...
*
*
*
"Well somebody has to wee, wee, wee all the way home!"
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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.
In 1861, Sam Houston stepped down as governor of Texas after refusing to accept the state's decision to secede from the Union.
In 1911, Irving Berlin's first major hit song, "Alexander's Ragtime Band," was first published by Ted Snyder & Co. of New York.
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Today---------------Country singer Charlie Pride is 73, Actor Kevin Dobson is 68 and Actor Brad Dourif is 61.
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March 18th is: Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom & Dad Day and National Biodiesel Day..
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Larryj
Today's-------------------yep
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
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In 1918, Congress approved daylight-savings time.
In 1920, the Senate rejected, for a second time, the Treaty of Versailles by a vote of 49 in favor, 35 against, falling short of the two-thirds needed for approval.
In 1931, Nevada Governor Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.
In 1941, Jimmy Dorsey and Orchestra recorded "Green Eyes" and "Maria Elena" for Decca Records.
In 1951, Herman Wouk's World War II novel "The Caine Mutiny" was first published.
In 1979, the U.S. House of Representatives began televising its day-to-day business.
In 2001, California officials declared a power alert, ordering the first of two days of rolling blackouts.
In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.
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Today--------------Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 81, Author Philip Roth is 78, Actress Rene Taylor is 78, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 78, Actress Ursula Andress is 75, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 74, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 65, and Actress Glenn Close is 64.
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March 19th is: Corn Dog Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day, Perigee Moon, Perigean Tides, Purim 19-20 and Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------smart woman
An American reporter in Kabul, Afghanistan, noticed that Taliban wives always walk behind their husbands --- usually at a considerable distance. Sensing the opportunity to write a story on the oppression of women in an extremist culture, the reporter stopped one of the women and asked her, "Do you walk behind your husband as a show of deference?"
The woman shook her head.
The reporter asked, "Then why?"
The woman said, "Land mines."
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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.
In 1899, Martha M. Place of Brooklyn, NY., became the first woman to be executed in the electric chair as she was put to death at Sing Sing for the murder of her stepdaughter.
In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.
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Today-------------British songstress Dame Vera Lynn is 94, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 89, Actor Hal Linden is 80, Country singer-musician Ranger Doug (Riders in the Sky) is 65, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 63, Actor William Hurt is 61 and Rock Musician Jimmie Vaughan is 60.
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March 20th is: (take a deep breath)------Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Great American Meat-out Day, National Jump-out Day, Ostara, National Agriculture Day, Snowman Burning Day, Won't You Be My Neighbor Day, Kiss Your Fiance' Day, Proposal Day and Maple Syrup Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------good one
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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In 1907, U.S. Marines arrived in Honduras to protect American lives and interests in the wake of political violence.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan began a four-day conference in Bermuda.
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Today-------------Actor Al Freeman Jr. is 80, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 72, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 67, Singer-musician Rose Stone (Sly and the Family Stone) is 66, Actor Timothy Dalton is 5 and Singer Eddie Money is 62.
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March 21st is: International Day For The Elimination of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Naw-Ruz, Spring Fairy Fun Day and World Down Syndrome Day.
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Larryj
I got a giggle out of that one larry. thanks. Oh, I can see this now!
Today's---------------I think this might be an old one.
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?"
Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "
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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.
In 1765, Britain enacted the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies. (The act was repealed the following year.)
In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed a measure outlawing polygamy.
In 1929, a U.S. Coast Guard vessel sank a Canadian-registered schooner, the I'm Alone, in the Gulf of Mexico. (The schooner was suspected of carrying bootleg liquor.)
In 1933, during Prohibition, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure to make wine and beer containing up to 3.2 percent alcohol legal.
In 1958, movie producer Mike Todd, the husband of Elizabeth Taylor, and three other people were killed in the crash of Todd's private plane near Grants, NM.
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Today------------Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 81, Evangelist Broadcaster Pat Robertson is 81, Actor William Shatner is 80, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 76, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 70, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 68, Writer James Patterson is 64, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 63 and Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 63.
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March 22nd is: World Water Day, American Diabetes Association Alert Day, As Young As You Fee Day, International Day of the Seal, and International Goof-off Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------good one
The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."
John says, "Because I live in a two-story house."
The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that? What the matter with a two-story house?"
John says, "I'll tell you what's the matter. One story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"
In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.
In 1965, America's first two-person space flight began as Gemini 3 blasted off with astronauts Virgil I. Grissom and John W. Young aboard for a nearly 5-hour flight.
In 1981, the U.S. Supreme Court, in H.K. vs. Matheson, ruled that states could require, with some exceptions, parental notification when teenage girls seek abortion.
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Today----------------Comedian Marty Allen is 89, Sir Roger Bannister, who broke the 4-minute mile in 1954, is 82, Movie director Mark Rydell is 77 and Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 74,
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March 23rd is: Near Miss Day, National Puppy Day, World Meteorological Day OK Day and Kick Butts Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------that worked
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
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In 1958, rock 'n' roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tenn.
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Today-----------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 72, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 63, Singer Nick Lowe is 62, Fashion Designer Tommy Hillfiger is 60 and Actor R.Lee Emery is 67.
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March 24th is: World Tuberculosis Day and National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------old but funny
Church bulletin bloopers--------
Don't allow anxiety to ruin your life. Let the church help.
The Young Mother's Club meets at noon on Mondays. Those wishing to become Young Mothers, please see the pastor in his study.
There will be a potluck supper on Thursday, with prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the auxiliary have cast off articles of clothing of all kinds. They may be seen in the church basement.
Next week's service: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to the choir practice.
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In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.
In 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama, to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.
In 1991, "Dances with Wolves" won seven Oscars, including best picture, at the 63rd annual Academy Awards.
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Today------------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 89, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 85, Former astronaut James Lovell is 83, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 77, Singer Anita Bryant is 71, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 68, Singer Elton John is 64, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 63 and Singer Aretha Franklin is 69.
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March 25th is: National Day of Celebration of Greek and American Democracy, International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery and the Transatlantic Slave Trade, Old New Years Day, Pecan Day, Slave Trade Day and Tolkien Reading Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------have we seen this one before?
A bagpiper was asked to play at a grave site service in a rural county. It was raining and he got lost on the way. He made many wrong turns. Finally, he spotted the small group of people gathered in the rain at the far end of the park. He stopped his car and rushed over with his bagpipes.
He was seriously late. The preacher had gone. The mourners had gone. Only the gravediggers were left, and they were busy filling the hole.
The sorrowful piper apologized to the men, then said he would play "Amazing Grace" out of respect. He played and he played beautifully. The men stopped digging and stood in a prayerful circle in the rain. The piper played on. It was very moving. The diggers joined hands. Many of them wept.
Finally, the piper finished. He bowed, said farewell to the men, then ran with his bagpipes back to his car.
The diggers stood where they were. Finally, one of them broke the silence.
"Well, I ain't never seen anything like that before," he said, "And I've been digging septic tanks for 25 years."
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In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.
In 1874, poet Robert Frost was born in San Francisco.
In 1917, the Seattle Metropolitans became the first U.S. team to win the Stanley Cup as they defeated the Montreal Canadiens.
In 1958, the U.S. Army launched America's third successful satellite, Explorer 3.
In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.
In 1997, the bodies of 39 cult members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Ranch Santa Fe.
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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner is 81, Actor-director Leonard Nemoy is 80, Actor Alan Arkin is 77, House Representative Nancy Pelosi is 71, Actor James Caan is 71, Journalist Bob Woodward is 68, Singer Diana Ross is 67, Rock Singer Steven Tyler is 63, Signer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 62 and Comedian Martin Short is 61.
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March 26th is: Legal Assistant's Day, Earth Hour (not to be confused with Earth Day; this one pertains to turning off lights), and Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------from the mouths of..............
My two great-grandchildren asked their Mom, "What are we having for dinner?"
She replied, "We're having roast beef."
Ashlyn said, "I'll try it."
Ayiana said, "I'm not eating it."
Mom said, "Now, Ayiana. Don't you remember that nursery rhyme you used to like, the one that said, 'This little piggy had roast beef'?"
Ayiana said, "Yes. It also said, 'And this little piggy had none.'"
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In 1961, nine black students from Tougaloo College in Mississippi staged a "read-in" at the whites-only Jackson Municipal Library, and were arrested.
In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.
In 1977, 583 people were killed when a KLM Boeing 747, attempting to take off, crashed into a Pan Am 747 on the Canary Island of Tenerife.
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Today-------------Former newspaper columnist Anthony Lewis is 84, Actor Julian Glover is 76, Actor Jerry Lacy is 75, Actor Austin Pendleton is 71 and Actor Michael York is 69.
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March 27th is: Celebrate Exchange Day, Education and Sharing Day, Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day and Viagara Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Groaner, big time--------
The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something is wrong. My knee is killing me, my calf aches unbearably and my ankle is swollen to twice its size. What do you suppose can be wrong?"
The doctor examined the knee closely and heard a tiny voice that said, "Can you spare any change?"
The doctor checked the patients calf and heard another tiny voice that said, "Please, sir, can you loan me a few dollars?"
The doctor checked the patients ankle and heard a third tiny voice that said, "Please, I have no money. Anything will help."
The doctor stood, stroked his chin, pondered the situation, then pronounced, "I've never seen anything quite like this, but your leg seems to be broke in three places."
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In 1834, the U.S. Senate voted to censure President Andrew Jackson for the removal of federal deposits from the Bank of the United States.
In 1898, the Supreme Court, in United States v. Wong Kim Ark, ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.
In 1941, novelist and critic Virginia Woolf, 59, drowned herself near her home in Lewes, East Sussex, England.
In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington. D.C., at age 78.
In 1978, in Stump v. Sparkman, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-3 to uphold the judicial immunity of an Indiana judge against a lawsuit brought by a young woman who'd been ordered sterilized by the judge when she was a teenager.
In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.
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Today-----------------Former White House national security advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski is 83, Country Musician Charlie McCoy is 70, Movie director Mike Newell is 69, Actress Conchita Ferrell is 68, Actor Ken Howard is 67 and Actress Dianne Weist is 63.
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March 28th is: Weed Appreciation Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------------oh, geez.......
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
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In 1971, Army Lt. William L. Calley was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre. (Calley ended up serving three years under house arrest.)
Also in 1971, A jury in Los Angeles recommended the death penalty for Charles Manson and three female followers for the 1969 Tate-La Bianca murders. (The sentences were later commuted.)
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Today----------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 84, Author Judith Guest is 75, Comedian Eric Idle is 68, Composer Vangelis is 68, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 66 and Singer Bobby Kimball (Toto) is 64,
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March 29th is: National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day, Knights of Columbus Founders Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------play on words
The young minister was called to a country church with a small congregation. As part of the deal, he had to take care of yard work and maintenance himself. The first thing he noticed is that the church desperately needed repainting. He took money from the church's building fund, bought paint, and got to work. Many days later, when he was little more than halfway through the project, he realized he would run short on paint. He was reluctant to tap into church funds again, so he started to thin the paint he was using, to make it go further. As he neared completion of the job, he had to thin the paint more and more. When he was done, the church looked much better. But in a few months it started to look drab again. Discouraged, he sought an answer in prayer. "Oh, Lord, what shall I do?" He heard a still, small voice.
Wait for it-----------
"Repaint, and thin no more!"
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In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously wounded outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr. Also wounded were White House press secretary James Brady; Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy and District of Columbia police officer Thomas Delahanty.
In 1986, actor James Cagney died at his farm in Stanfordville, N.Y., at age 86.
In 2002, Britain's Queen Mother Elizabeth died in her sleep at Royal Lodge, Windsor, outside London; she was 101 years old.
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Today--------------Game show host Peter Marshall is 85, Actor Richard Dysart is 82, Actor John Astin is 81, Entertainer Rolf Harris (song; "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport") is 81, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 74, Rock Musician Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues) is 70, Rock Musician Eric Clapton is 66, Actor Justin Deas (TV: "Guiding Light") is 63 and Actor Robbie Coltrane is 61.
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March 30th is: Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day and Pencil Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Texans gotta love this one
Church leaders from around the nation met for a spiritual conference and retreat on South Padre Island in Texas. During a convocation one evening, the guest preacher shouted, "If God called you on the phone, and asked if He could reverse the charges, how much would you be willing to pay for that call from Heaven?"
A woman stood and said, with a South Carolina accent, "I'd pay $100,00 for that call." A man stood and said, with a Boston accent, "I'd pay $1 million for that call." Another man stood and said, with a Texas accent, "I reckon I wouldn't pay anything for that call."
Everyone gasped. The preacher, flabbergasted, said, "Sir, you would not pay anything for a call from Heaven itself?"
The man in the crowd, still standing, said, "No, sir, I would not. You see, this is Texas. That's a local call."
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In 1933, Congress approved and President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed, the Emergency Conservation Work Act , which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson shocked the country by announcing at the conclusion of a broadcast address on Vietnam that he would not seek re-election.
In 1995, Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
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Today---------Actress Peggy Rea is 90, Actor William Daniels is 84, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 83, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 77, Actress Shirley Jones is 77, Country singer John D. Loudermilk is 77, Musician Herb Alpert is 76, Actor Christopher Walken is 68, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 66, Former Vice-President Al Gore is 63, Author David Eisenhower is 63, Actor Ed Marinaro is 61 and Actress Rhea Perlman is 63.
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March 31st is: Bunsen Burner Day, Mule Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day and Terri's Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah
A small quiet man lived next door to a large, loud-mouthed bully. He did everything possible to avoid his mean-natured neighbor.
So the bully was quite surprised one day to find the mild-mannered man knocking on his door.
"What do you want?" he bellowed.
"Excuse me," the small man said, wringing his hands. "Your Chihuahua got into my backyard, and killed my Rottweiler."
"Don't joke with me," the bully roared. "How is that possible?"
The little man, still wringing his hands, stammered, "I'm so sorry. It seems your dog got caught in my dog's throat."
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In 1945, American forces launched the amphibious invasion of Okinawa during World War II.
In 1946, tidal waves struck the Hawaiian Islands, resulting in more than 170 deaths.
In 1960, the first true weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. (TIROS stood for Television Infrared Observation Satellite.)
In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon signed a measure banning cigarette advertising on radio and television, to take effect after Jan. 1, 1971
In 1984, recording star Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gaye, Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday. (The elder Gaye pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter and received probation.)
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Today-------------Actress Jane Powell is 83, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 81, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 79, Country singer Jim Ed Brown is 77, Actor Don Hastings is 77, Blues singer Eddie King is 73, Actress Ali MacGraw is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rudolph Isley is 72 and Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is 61.
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Aprill 1st is: April Fool's Day, Atheist Day, Boomer Bonus Day, Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, International Tatting Day, National Fun Day, National Fun At Work Day, Poetry and Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, Sorry Charlie Day, St. Stupid Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------be prepared, I always say
Two handymen were talking over lunch.
"I'm going to need a mighty big coffin when I die," one of them said.
"Why is that?" the other replied.
"I want to be buried with all my tools and supplies."
"That's crazy. You're not going to need your tools and supplies."
"Oh, yes I am. I know where I'm going, and I want to put in air conditioning."
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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in present-day Florida.
In 1792, Congress passed the Coinage Act, which authorized establishment of the U.S. Mint..
In 1811, James Monroe became the seventh U.S. Secretary of State.
In 1865, Confederate president Jefferson Davis and most of his cabinet fled the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA., because of advancing Union forces.
In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy." (Congress declared war four days later.)
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Today---------------Actress Rita Gam is 83, Actress Sharon Acker is 76, Singer Leon Russell is 69, Jazz musician Larry Coryell is 68, Actress Linda Hunt is 66, Singer Emmy Lou Harris is 64, Actor Ron Palillo is 62 and Actress Pamela Reed is 62.
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April 2nd is: International Pillow Fight Day, International Children's Book Day, World Autism Day, Reconciliation Day and Tangible Karma Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------good one
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO., and Sacramento, CA.
In 1965, Union forces occupied the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA.
In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO., by Robert Ford, a member of the James gang.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed into law the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist communism.
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Today--------------Actress-singer Doris Day is 88, Actor William Gaunt is 74, Actor Eric Braeden is 70, Actress Marsha Mason is 69, Singer Wayne Newton is 69 and Singer Tony Orlando is 67.
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March 3rd is: Pony Express Day, Tweed Day and World Party Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------Smart
John told his boss he had an opportunity to apply for a job closer to home, and asked his boss for a letter of recommendation.
The boss was torn. John was a terrible worker. He was lazy and unproductive. He was a complainer. He always came in late, and always tried to leave early.
The boss was tempted to write a glowing review for him, in hopes of getting rid of him. On the other hand, he knew it would be totally dishonest, and unfair to the other employer.
He thought for a minute, then reached for a sheet of company letterhead stationery, and wrote down the following:
"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: You would be lucky if you could get John to work for you."
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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars. with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.
In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office.
In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.
In 1960, Elvis Presley recorded "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" for RCA Victor.
In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., 39, was shot to death at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee.
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Today------------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 90, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 72, Author Kitty Kelley is 69, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 67, Actor Walter Charles is 66, Country singer Steve Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers) is 60 and Author-poet Maya Angelou is 83.
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March 4th is: International Day For Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------There is one in every crowd
The rookie reporter was interviewing the famous safari guide during his lecture tour of the United States. The reporter asked the guide, "Is is true that jungle animals will not harm you if you carry a torch?"
The safari guide stroked his chin thoughtfully, looked the reporter up and down, then replied, "That very much depends, young man, on how fast you are able to carry it."
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In 1614, Pocahontas, daughter of the leader of Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia. (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)
In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month-long return trip to England.
In 1976, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.
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Today----------Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 80, Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 74, Country singer Tommy Cash is 71, Actor Michael Moriarty is 70, Pop singer Allan Clarke (The Hollies) is 69, Actor Max Gail is 68, Actress Jane Asher is 65 and Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 61.
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April 5th is: National Deep Dish Pizza Day and One Day Without Shoes Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------ARE YOU READY FOR A GROANER?
A man went to a doctor for a leg injury. The doctor, while conducting his examination, noticed that the patient had an unusual tattoo.
The doctor said, "Excuse me for asking, but is that a banjo on your knee?"
(you know where this is going, right?)
The patient replied, "Yes, I come from Alabama."
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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee as Confederate troops launched a surprise attack against Union troops, who beat back the Confederates the next day.
In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.
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Today----------Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 82, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 74, Actor Roy Thinnes is 73, Movie director Barry Levinson is 69, Actor John Ratzenberger is 64 and Country singer Merle Haggard is 74.
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April 6th is: Church of Latter Day Saints Day, Army Day, New Beers Eve, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, National Day of Hope, National Student Athlete Day, Tartan Day, Teflon Day and Paraprofessional Appreciation Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------ouch
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure he when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to live without fear and forget regrets. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will make her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the room.
No, wait...............
It's wine..............
It's wine that does all these things.
Sorry, never mind.
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In 1862, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee.
In 1948, the World Health Organization was founded in Geneva.
In 1978, President Jimmy Carter announced he was deferring development of the neutron bomb, a high radiation weapon.
In 1983, space shuttle astronauts Story Musgrave and Don Peterson took the first U.S. space walk in almost a decade as they worked in the open cargo bay of Challenger for nearly four hours.
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Today-------------Actor R.G. Armstrong is 94, Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 91, Actor James Garner is 83, Country singer Cal Smith is 79, Actor Wayne Rogers is 78, Country singer Bobby Bare is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer Charlie Thomas (The Drifters) is 74, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 72, TV personality David Frost is 72, Singer Patricia Bennett (The Chiffons) is 64, Singer John Oates is 62 and Singer Janis Ian is 60.
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April 7th is: International Snailpapers Day, International Beaver Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day, Metric System Day and World Health Organization Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------gotcha
Father O'Malley answered the phone in the church office. It was the IRS on the other end.
The federal revenue agent asked, "Do you know a Mr. Lawrence Brown, and did he make a donation of $10,000 to the church in 2010?"
Father O'Malley thought for a moment, then replied, "Yes, I know him. And, yes, he will."
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In 1913, the 17th Amendment to the Constitution providing for direct popular election of United States senators (as opposed to appointment by state legislatures), was ratified.
In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth's record.
In 1994, Kurt Cobain, singer and guitarist for the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead in Seattle from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound; he was 27.
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Today------------Former first lady Betty Ford is 93, Comedian Shecky Greene is 85, Actor-turned-diplomat John Gavin is 80, "Mouseketeer" Darlene Gillespie is 70, Singer J.J. Jackson is 70, Singer Peggy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70, Actor Stuart Pankin is 65, Rock musician Steve Howe (Yes) is 64 and Former House Republican Leader Tom DeLay is 64.
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April 8th is: Buddha Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------------Okay then........
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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In 1939, singer Marian Anderson performed a concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington after being denied the use of Constitution Hall by the Daughters of the American Revolution.
In 1959, NASA presented its first seven astronauts: Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Shirra, Alan Shepard and Donald Slayton.
Also in 1959, Architect Frank Lloyd Wright died in Phoenix, Arizona.
In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees. (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger ended its first mission with a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base.
In 1996, in a dramatic shift of purse-string power, President Bill Clinton signed a line-item veto bill into law. (However, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the veto in 1998.)
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Today------------------Naturalist Jim Fowler is 79, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 78, Actress Michael Learned is 72, Country singer Margo Smith is 69 and Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner is 85.
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April 9th is: National Cherish An Antique Day, National Pie Day (8-10), National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day, Jenkin's Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.
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Larryj
Quote from: larryJ on April 09, 2011, 09:17:27 AM
In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees. (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)
A couple weeks ago I read an item about the Astrodome sitting empty in or near the parking lot of its replacement, a new Reliant Stadium.
The vacated facility costs local taxpayers $2m a year in insurance, maintenance, debt and interest.
The Astrodome is too expensive to tear down--dynamite cannot be used for fear of damaging the new stadium so a wrecking ball would be needed. Cost of demolition is estimated at $900m.
It is also too expensive to renovate/remodel into a convention center or something else useful. One option was for a $1.3 billion science center.
So, for now, it just sits.
The Astrodome, as the first covered sports stadium in the world, cost $35m to build.
Today's-----------------Warph started this subject
One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.
The other lady asked, "What's that for?"
The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."
The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."
The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
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In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage.
In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.
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Today---------------Actor Harry Morgan is 96, Actor Max von Sydow is 82, Actor Omar Sharif is 79, Sportscaster John Madden is 75, Reggae artist Bunny Wailer is 64 and Actor Stephen Seagal is 60.
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April 10th is: ASPCA Day, Safety Pin Day, Baby Massage Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day and Salvation Army Founders Day.
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Larryj
;D ;D ;D :o :o :ogood one Larry. Thanks for the giggle.
Today's-------------old but still funny
A man driving home sees a dog in a yard with a sign that says, "Talking Dog for Sale." He screeches to a halt, gets out of the car, and asks, "Can you really talk?"
The dog replies, "Yes, I've learned six languages. I've worked for the CIA, traveled the world, and won many awards."
The man, astonished, goes to the door, rings for the homeowner, and asks, "How much do you want for the dog?"
The homeowner says, "I'll take $5."
"What? How could you sell such an amazing dog for only five bucks?"
"The dog's a liar. He never did any of that stuff he says he did."
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In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.
In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House from the hospital, 12 days after he was wounded in an assassination attempt .
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Today------------Ethel Kennedy is 83, Actor Joel Grey is 79, Actress Louise Lasser is 72, Pulitzer Prize winner columnist Ellen Goodman is 70, Actor Peter Riegert is 64, Actor Meshach Taylor is 64, Movie director Carl Franklin is 62 and Actor Bill Irwin is 61.
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April 11th is: Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie Louie" Day and National Pet Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------Yep
Daddy mouse, momma mouse and the mouse children were making their way across the kitchen floor when suddenly the family cat leaped out of the shadows and rushed towards them.
The daddy mouse yelled, "Bow Wow!"
The cat ran away.
Momma mouse and the kids breathed a huge sigh of relief. Daddy mouse said to them, "And THAT'S is why it's important to learn a second language!"
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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina. (The Union troops holding the fort surrendered the next day.)
In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game, by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.
In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.
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Today-----------------Country Singer Ned Miller is 86, Actress Jane Withers is 85, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 71, Actor Frank Bank ("Leave it to Beaver") is 69, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 67, Actor Ed O'Neil is 65, Author Tom Clancy is 64, Talk Show host David Letterman is 64 and Singer David Cassidy is 61.
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April 12th is: National Be Kind to Lawyers Day, National Licorice Day and Walk on the Wild Side Day.
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Larryj
I was just five years old, but I do remember my grandmother coming to our house with tears streaming down her face, to deliver the news about President Roosevelt. He was a much loved and respected man.
Today's---------------------Hah
Mothers and fathers are the same the world over.
Paul Revere's parents: "We don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is well past your curfew."
Mona Lisa's parents: "After all the money we spent on your braces, that's the best smile you can manage?"
Columbus' parents: "We don't care what you discovered. You could have written."
Michelangelo's parents: We've told you before. If you draw on the ceiling, you have to climb back up there and scrub it off."
Jonah's parents: "That's a nice story. Now tell us where you've really been for the last three days."
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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO., to Sacramento in ten days.
In 1861, Fort Sumter in South Carolina fell as the Union commander, Maj. Robert Anderson agreed to surrender in the face of the Confederates' relentless bombardment.
In 1870, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst. (The astronauts managed to return safely.)
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Today-------------------Movie Director Stanley Donen is 87, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 76, Actor Edward Fox is 74, Actor Paul Sorvino is 72, Poet Seamus Heaney is 72, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 69, Singer Al Green is 65, Actor Ron Perlman is 61, Actor William Sadler is 61, Bandleader/rock musician Max Weinberg is 60 and Singer Peabo Bryson is 60.
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April 13th is: Thomas Jefferson Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------groan
An uneducated woodsman saved for a long time to send his son to the city for proper schooling. At semester break, the son returned home for a visit. His father asked, "What have you learned?"
The son answered, "Well, I'm taking algebra."
Dad said, "That's excellent. Say something in algebra."
The son thought for a moment, then replied, "Pi r square."
The old man frowned, "All that money for school, and THAT'S what they're teaching you, that pie are square? Pie are round, you dumbbell. CORNBREAD are square!"
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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.
In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster's "American Dictionary of the English Language" was published.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot and mortally wounded by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington; the president died nine days later.
In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began sinking.
In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today-------------Actor Bradford Dillman is 81, Actor Jay Robinson is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 71, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 70, Rock Musician Ritchie Blackmore is 66, Actor John Shea is 62 and Country singer Loretta Lynn is 76.
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April 14th is: Children with Alopecia Day, International Moment of Laughter Day, National D.A.R.E Day and Pan American Day.
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Larryj
A correction: President Abraham Lincoln died nine hours, rather than nine days after being shot.
Larryj
Today's----------------this is good.......
GOLDEN TAX QUOTES..............
I've tried paying taxes with a smile, but I find they insist on a check.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than even golf has.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what is called a red flag. That's something the IRS looks for. A red flag. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
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In 1861, following the Confederate takeover of Fort Sumter, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington. Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.
In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland, less than three hours after striking an iceberg; some 1500 people died.
In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day. (The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.)
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Today---------------Actor Michael Ansara is 89, Country singer Roy Clark is 78, Rock singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 67, Actor Michael Tucci is 65, Actress Lois Chiles is 64, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason is 64, Actress Amy Wright is 61 and Columnist Heloise is 60.
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April 15th is: DNA Day, Income Tax Pay Day, McDonald's Day, Take a Wild Guess Day and That Sucks Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------different take on an old one.........
The call came in, and the man on the waiting list for a heart transplant was rushed to the hospital.
Doctor: "As it turns out, we have two available hearts that are a suitable match for you. One is the heart of a 26-year-old marathon runner. The other is the heart of a 62-year-old IRS auditor. Do you have a preference?"
Patient: "I'll take the IRS auditor's heart."
Doctor: "Really?"
Patient: "Yes. It's never been used."
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In 1789, President-elect George Washington left Mount Vernon, VA, for his inauguration in New York.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.
In 1960, shortly before midnight, rock-and-roll performer Eddie Cochran, 21, was fatally injured in a taxi crash in Chippenham, Wiltshire, England. (He died the next day.)
In 2007, in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech before taking his own life.
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Today------------------Pope Benedict XVI is 84, Actor Peter Mark Richman is 84, Singer Bobby Vinton is 76 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul Jabbar is 64.
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April 16th is: Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, Record Store Day and Teach Your Daughter to Volunteer Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------hah
The taxpayer received a sternly worded "Second Notice" from the IRS that his taxes were overdue.
He rushed to the nearest IRS office, wrote a check, and assured the agent he simply had forgotten the tax deadline, and that he never had received a "First Notice" warning.
The IRS agent said, "Oh, we don't send out a First Notice. We have found that the Second Notice is much more effective.
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In 1961, a force of 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day. More than 1,000 invaders were captured; about 100 invaders and 150 of Castro's defenders were killed.
In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1970, Apollo 13 astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swaggert splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft while en route to the moon.
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Today--------------------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 63 and Actress Olivia Hussey is 60.
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April 17th is: Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, Ford Mustang Day, Nothing Like A Dame Day, Palm Sunday and Perigean Spring Tides.
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Larryj
Today's----------------hopefully this is the end of the tax jokes
A mother and her child were out walking. The child swallowed a coin and started to choke. Mom cried out for help.
A man ran to the scene, said, "Don't worry! I'm a professional," then squeezed the boy from the back until he coughed up the coin.
The grateful mother said, "You saved his life! I don't know how to thank you, doctor."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm not a doctor. I work for the IRS."
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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.
In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires, estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.
In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures on petitions demanding that women receive the right to vote.
In 1934, the first laundromat (called the "washeteria) opened in Fort Worth, Texas.
In 1942 during World War II, an air squadron from the USS Hornet led by Lt. Col. James H. Doolittle raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities..
In 1945, famed American war correspondent, Ernie Pyle, 44, was killed by Japanese gunfire on the Pacific island of Shima, off Okinawa.
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Today-----------------------Actress Barbara Hale is 90, Actor Clive Revill is 81, Actor James Drury is 77, Actor Robert Hooks is 74, Actress Hayley Mills is 65, Actor James Woods is 64 and Actress Cindy Pickett is 64.
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April 18this: Pet Owners Independence Day, Passover, National Stress Awareness Day, Boston Marathon, Adult Autism Day, International Amateur Radio Day and National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day.
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Larryj
Larry, I remember a Sedan, Kansas washeteria owned by the Burdette family. My grandmother and I used it in the 1950's. The washeteria had old fashioned washers, wringers and rinse tubs with bluing. After using it we took the wet laundry home to dry outside.
Today's-------------------funny
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said, "We are here." The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. "So what was that for", he asked. The third drunk replied, "Control your speed next time, you almost killed us."
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In 1775, the American Revolution began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.
In 1951, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, relieved of command by President Harry S. Truman, bid farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad: "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."
In 1993, the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound near Waco, Texas, ended as fire destroyed the structure after federal troops began smashing their way in; dozens of people, including sect leader David Koresh, were killed.
In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people. (Bomber Timothy McVeigh was later convicted of federal murder charges and executed.)
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Today----------------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 86, Actress Elinor Donahue is 74, Rock musician Alan Price (The Animals) is 69, Actor Tim Curry is 65 and Pop singer Mark "Flo" Volman (The Turtles: Flo and Eddie) is 64.
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April 19th is: National Hiring Day--McDonalds, National Hanging Out Day and Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------smart..............
A teenage boy earned his driver's license and asked his father when he could start using the family car.
Dad said, "Well, son if you stay out of trouble, bring your grades up to a B average, study your Bible and get a haircut, we'll talk in a month."
The son agreed. A month later, he approached his father about using the car.
Dad: "Well, son, you have stayed out of trouble, you've improved your grades and I notice you have been studying your Bible. But I am disappointed that you haven't got a haircut."
Son: "Well, my Bible studies have shown me that Sampson had long hair, and John the Baptist had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."
Dad: "Did you notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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In 1972, the manned lunar module from Apollo 16 landed on the moon.
In 1999, the Columbine massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Kleinbold, shot and killed 12 students and one teacher before taking their own lives.
In 2010, an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil platform leased by BP, killed 11 workers and began spewing (by government estimates) about 200 million gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico for nearly three months.
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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 91, Actor Leslie Philips is 87, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kans, is 75, Actor George Takei is 74, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 72, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 70, Actor Gregory Itzin is 63, Actress Veronica Cartwright is 62 and Actress Jessica Lange is 62.
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April 20th is: National Pot Smoker's Day................who cares about anything else, man.
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Larryj
Today's-------------gotcha
A sheriff in a small town took to hiding in an alley by the local bar, where he could see people having a good time. If they showed signs of intoxication, he followed them and busted them for drunk driving.
He racked up a lot of arrests this way.
One Saturday night the bar was packed. There was a huge party going on. Just before closing time, the sheriff saw a man walking slowly and unsteadily to his car. He followed the car for a couple of blocks, then pulled him over and conducted an extensive series of sobriety tests. The motorist passed all of them with flying colors. The sheriff ran them again. The motorist passed again. The sheriff was nonplussed. He tried a third time. Nothing doing.
Sheriff: "I don't get it. I witnessed you staggering to your car. You dropped your keys twice. You couldn't drive in a straight line. But you are completely sober."
Motorist: "I'm the designated decoy."
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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas' independence.
In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, Conn., at age 74.
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Today---------------Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 79, Actor Charles Grodin is 76, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 64, Actress Patti LaPone is 62, Actor Tony Danza is 60 and Britain's Queen Elizabeth is 85.
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April 21st is: Get To Know Your Customers Day, High Five Day, Holy Thursday, Kindergarten Day, National Chocolate Covered Cashews Day and National Teach Your Children To Save Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------yep......
I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest each night. I keep my body fit and my mind alert. I avoid arguments and stress. I don't drink to excess. I don't smoke or do drugs. I don't have crazy reckless sex with strangers.
If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I am going to be really, really, REALLY pissed.
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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.
In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.
In 1944, during World War II, U.S. forces began invading Japanese-held New Guinea with amphibious landings at Hollandia and Aitape.
In 1954, the publicly televised sessions of the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began.
In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, died at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.
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Today----------------Actor George Cole is 86, Actress Estelle Harris is 79, Singer Glen Campbell is 75, Actor Jack Nicholson is 74, Singer Mel Carter is 68, Author Janet Evanovich is 68, Country singer Cleve Francis is 66, Singer Peter Frampton is 61 and Actress Charlotte Rae is 85.
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April 22nd is: Earth Day, Good Friday, "In God We Trust" Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.
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Larryj
Anyone besides me have family members who rode in the OK land rush?
Diane, my paternal grandparents did move to Tulsa, but that was in the early 1900's, well after the land rush.
Today's-----------------yep
Ah, inner peace!
If you can start the day without caffeine.
If you can't wait to run out and greet each new day.
If you are always cheerful and never complain.
If you can take criticism without resentment.
If you are always ready to take the ball and run with it.
If you can relax without alcohol.
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
/
/
/
Then you are probably.............
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
The family dog.
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In 1896, the Vitascope system for projecting movies onto a screen was publicly demonstrated in New York City.
In 1961, Judy Garland performed her legendary concert at New York's Carnegie Hall.
In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to die for assassinating Robert F. Kennedy. (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.) ((Thank you, Justice Rose Bird...))
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Today---------------Actress-turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 83, Actor Alan Oppenheimer is 81, Actor David Birney is 72, Actor Lee Majors is 72, Actress Blair Brown is 63 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 62.
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April 23rd is: Movie Theater Day, International Marconi Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, World Book & Copyright Day and Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------kids!
Little Ricky and his family sat down to Sunday dinner at Grandma's house. Ricky was served the first plate and he immediately began eating.
"Ricky!" his mother cried, "Please! We need to pray first."
Ricky replied, "I don't need to pray."
Mom, shocked, said, "Why would you say such a thing? We always pray before we eat at our house."
Ricky said, "That's at our house. This is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
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In 1961, in the wake of the failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba, the White House issued a statement saying that President John F. Kennedy "bears the responsibility for the events of the past few days,"
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Today----------------Film and drama critic Stanley Kauffmann is 95, Movie director-producer Richard Donner is 81, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 77, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 69 and Rock singer-musician Rob Hyman is 61,
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April 24th is: Easter (Happy Easter), World Tai Chi & Qigong Day, National Pet Parent Day and Mother, Father Deaf Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------This guy will be running for higher office soon.
The country sheriff was not too bright. When Farmer Brown called to report that the Williams brothers had stolen his pig, the sheriff asked for a description of the vehicle and said, "Don't worry, Farmer Brown, I'll catch those varmints."
He hopped in his squad car, tore down the road, caught up with the car and pulled it over. He approached, leaned in, and asked, "You the Williams brothers by any chance?" They nodded.
He turned his flashlight on them, one at a time, and asked, "What are your names?" The driver said, "Luke." The passenger said, "Clem."
The sheriff aimed his flashlight into the back and saw the pig. The pig said, "Oink."
The next day, Farmer Brown called the sheriff and asked what had happened. The sheriff replied, "I had to let them go. There was no pig in that car. It was just the Williams brothers, Luke, Clem and Oink."
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In 1507, German cartographer Martin Waldseemueller produced a world map containing the first recorded use of the term "America" in honor of Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci.
In 1901, New York Gov, Benjamin Barker Odell Jr. signed an automobile registration bill which imposed a 15 mph speed limit on highways.
In 1944, the United Negro College Fund was founded.
In 1945, Delegates from some 50 countries met in San Fransisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1990, the Hubble Telescope was deployed in orbit from the space shuttle Discovery. (Although Hubble was hailed as a scientific triumph, it was discovered that the telescope's primary mirror was flawed, requiring the installation of corrective components to achieve optimal focus.)
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Today__________________Move director-writer Paul Mazursky is 81, Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 78, Actor Al Pacino is 71, Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 66, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 66, Actress Talia Shire is 65, Actor Jeffrey DeMunn is 64, Rock musician Michael Brown (The Left Banke) is 62 and Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers) is 61,
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April 25th is: Easter Monday, DNA Day, Red Hat Society Day, Dyngus Day, White House Easter Egg Roll Day, 20-something Service Day, Malaria Awareness Day and Hug a Plumber or Plumber's Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------funny
TOP TEN ONE-LINERS
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn't.
2 I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life. It broke.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing.
8. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
9. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
10. God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.
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In 1607, English colonists went ashore at present-day Cape Henry, VA, on an expedition to establish the first English permanent in the Western Hemisphere.
In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Bowling Green, KY, and killed.
In 1961, Roger Maris of the New York Yankees hit the first of his 61 home runs during a 162 game season (compared to Babe Ruth's 60 home runs during a 154 game season) as he hit a round tripper of Paul Foytack at Tiger Stadium.
In 1968, the United States exploded beneath the Nevada desert a 1.3 megaton nuclear device called "Boxcar".
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Today--------------Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 73, Songwriter-musician Duane Eddy is 73, Singer Bobby Rydell is 69 and Rock musician Gary Wright is 68.
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April 26th is: Hug An Australian Day, Audubon Day, National Kids and Pets Day and Richter Scale Day.
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Larryj
QuoteHug An Australian Day
Darn, where's Nicole Kidman when you need her?
Today's------------old but still funny
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there, dressed in black slacks, a white shirt and a slim black tie, who said, "Hello, sir, I'd like to talk to you about salvation."
I said, "Come in and sit down."
I offered him cookies from a platter. He took one. Then I asked him if he wanted some lemonade. He said yes. We both enjoyed a glass.
Afterward I said, "Tell me again...........what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the heck out of me. I've never gotten this far before."
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In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln, citing public safety concerns amid the Civil War, suspended the writ of habeas corpus in an area between Philadelphia and Washington. (Lincoln later lifted the order, but then suspended habeas corpus for the entire Union in September 1862. Habeas Corpus was restored by President Andrew Johnson in December 1865.)
In 1973, Acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.
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Today--------------Actor Jack Klugman is 89, Actress Anouk Aimee is 79, Announcer Casey Kasem is 79, Actress Judy Carne is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Cuba Gooding is 67, Singer Ann Peebles is 64, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics) is 62 and Actor Douglas Sheehan is 62,
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April 27th is: Secretary's Day, Babe Ruth Day, Mantanzas Mule Day and Morse Code Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------oooookay
A man went to the hospital after being bitten by a raccoon.
The doctor said, "The wound seems minor, but animal bites can be infectious. I think we should call animal control authorities and see if they can round up this raccoon. Would you be able to identify it?"
The man shook his head. "I don't think so. It was wearing a mask."
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In 1789, Maryland became the seventh state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1952, war with Japan officially ended as a treaty signed in San Francisco the year before took effect. And, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower resigned as Supreme Allied commander in Europe; he was succeeded by Gen. Matthew B. Ridgeway.
In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted in the Army. And, Gen. William C. Westmoreland told Congress that the U.S. "would prevail in Vietnam."
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Today------------------Author Harper Lee is 85, Former Secretary of State James A. Baker III is 81, Actress-singer Ann-Margret is 70, Actress Marcia Strassman is 63, Actor Paul Guilfoyle (CSI) is 62 and "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is 61.
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April 28th is: Take Our Sons & Daughters To Work Day, Worker's Memorial Day and Poem In Your Pocket Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------hah
The minister announced details of a church social event and said that admission would be $6 per person, except for seniors. "If you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for 50 lousy cents?"
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In 1961, "ABC's Wide World of Sports" premiered with Jim McKay as host.
In 1992, deadly rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
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Today----------Rhythm-and-blues singer Carl Gardner (The Coasters) is 83, Actor Keith Baxter is 78, Bluesman Otis Rush is 77, Country singer Duane Allen (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 68, Singer Tommy James is 64 and Actress Celeste Holm is 94.
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April 28th is: Arbor Day, National Dance Day, Interstate Mullet Toss Day, National Hairball Awareness Day and Save The Frogs Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------really wise man.......or not
A movie company went on location in southern Utah. Because weather in that part of the country changes every 10 seconds, a wise old soothsayer was hired to forecast conditions.
The soothsayer was amazing. He predicted rain and it rained. He predicted wind and, sure enough, it was windy. He predicted sunshine for several days, and he was right every time.
One day, though, the soothsayer was stumped. He said he couldn't make a forecast. The producer asked, "What happened to your magical powers?"
The soothsayer replied, "My cell phone battery died."
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In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced the resignations of top aides H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, along with Attorney General Richard G. Kleindienst and White House counsel John Dean.
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Today-----------Actress Cloris Leachman is 85, Actor Gary Collins is 73, Actor Burt Young is 71, Singer Bobby Vee is 68, Actor Perry King is 63 and Singer Willie Nelson is 78.
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April 30th is: (Bear with me here), Eeyores Birthday Day, Beltane, Bob Wills Day, Bugs Bunny Day, National Go Birding Day, National Hairstylists Appreciation Day, National Honesty Day, National Rebuilding Day, Just Pray No! Worldwide Weekend of Prayer & Fasting, National Take Back (Prescription Drugs) Day, Penguin Day, Pinhole Photography Day, Sense of Smell Day, Spank Out Day, Walpurgis Night, World Healing Day and World Tai Chi & Qigong Day.
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Larryj
In looking at the definitiions of some of the days posted for April 30, I found the Beltane is actually a feast day usually celebrated on May 1.
Larryj
I assume you are telling the truth? ;D ;D ;D
Yes, Ma'am, my momma allus said, "tell the truth cuz that you can member. You can't allus member a lie."
Today's-------------------gotcha
A motorist is having lunch at a roadside diner when a dozen motorcycle gang members walk in. One of the bikers pushes him, another one grabs the potato from his plate and takes a bite out of it, another one takes a drink from his soda and another one gives him an elbow to the ribs. They all laugh.
The fellow finishes his lunch, quietly, pays his bill and leaves.
One of the bikers jokes to the waitress, "That guy ain't much of a man."
The waitress looks out the window, then replies, "He ain't much of a driver, either. He just ran over 12 motorcycles on his way out of here."
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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.
In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered in New York.
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Today------------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 86, Country singer Sonny James is 82, Singer Judy Collins is 72, Actor Stephen Macht is 69, Actor-director Douglas Barr is 62, Actor Dann Florek is 60 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 66.
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May 1 is: (Take a deep breath, here)----Amtrak Day, Beltane, Executive Coaching Day, Free Comic Book Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Dance Day, New Homeowners Day, School Principles Day, Silver Star Day, World Laughter Day, Stepmother's Day, International Babylost Mother's Day, Motorcycle Mass & Blessing Of The Bikes Day and National Infertility Survival Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------------------ooooooooooooooo!
He was a hard-working man, and a good provider, but he routinely got plastered every payday. This went on for years, and his wife never stopped nagging him about it. It was his only indulgence, but she never let him hear the end of it.
One time, she decided to scare him. It was payday. She knew he would come home late, stumbling drunk. She dressed up like the devil with a horned mask, black cape and rusty pitchfork. When her husband staggered in after midnight, she lunged at him and said, "The hour of judgement is at hand!"
The husband staggered back, but then found his footing. He rubbed his eyes, took another look, then stood tall and said in a strong voice, "I'm not afraid of you. I'm married to your sister!"
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In 1611, is the popularly accepted publication date of the Authorized King James Version of the Bible.
In 1941, General Mills began shipping its new cereal, "Cheerioats" to six test markets. (The cereal was later renamed "Cheerios")
In 1957, Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy, the controversial Republican senator from Wisconsin, died at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland.
In 1960, Caryl Chessman, who'd become a best-selling author and cause celebre while on death row for kidnapping, rape and robbery, was executed at San Quentin Prison in California.
In 1982, the Weather Channel made its debut.
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Today----------------Actor Theodore Bikel is 87, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 75, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 66, Country singer R.C. Bannon is 66, Singer Leslie Gore is 65, Actor David Suchet is 65, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 63 and Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 61.
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May 2nd is: Melanoma Monday, National Play Your Ukulele Day and Roberts Rules Of Order Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------hee hee
A guy went to the welfare office to pick up his check. He told the clerk behind the counter, "You know, I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening with a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his daughter, who is a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model. You'll have to drive her around in a 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL. You'll be provided with a wardrobe allowance. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
The guy, bug-eyed with excitement, said, "You're messing with me!"
The clerk said, "Well, you started it!"
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In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.
In 1911, Wisconsin Governor Francis E. McGovern signed the first U.S. worker's compensation law to withstand constitutional scrutiny. (Previous attempts in Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana and New York were struck down.
In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.
In 1986, in NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after lift-off, forcing the safety officers to destroy it by remote control.
In 1991 author Jerzy Kosinski was found dead in his New York apartment; he was 57.
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Today------------------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 92, Actress Ann B. Davis is 85, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 65, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 61, Singer Christopher Cross is 60 and Singer Frankie Valli is 77.
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May 3rd is: Garden Meditation Day, Comfy Rug Day, National Disabled Pets Day, National Special-abled Pets Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, World Press Freedom Day, Childhood Depression Awareness Day and National Teacher Appreciation Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------uh oh, I smell trouble
A couple was enjoying an all-you-can-eat buffet at a luxury country club restaurant. The husband went back again and again to the meat-carving station in the other room. When he stood up to make his fourth trip, his wife reproved him: "For Heaven's sake. You're going back again? Aren't you embarrassed to be seen eating like a pig?"
Her husband replied, cheerfully, "No, I'm not worried at all. I just keep telling them it's for you."
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In 1776, Rhode Island declared its independence from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.
In 1886, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor demonstration for an 8-hour workday turned into a deadly riot when a bomb exploded.
In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income-tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta. (Capone was later transferred to Alcatraz Island.)
In 1959, the first Grammy Awards ceremony was held at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Domenico Modugno won Record of the Year and Song of the Year for "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu, (Volare)". Henry Mancini won Album of the Year for "The Music From Peter Gunn."
In 1961, the first group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C., to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals. (The Freedom Riders were repeatedly attacked by violent mobs mostly in Alabama.)
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Today-------------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 81, Jazz musician Ron Carter is 74,Rock musician Dick Dale is 74, Singer-songwriter Nick Ashford is 69, Pop singer Peggy Santiglin (The Angels) is 67, Actor Richard Jenkins is 64, Country singer Stella Parton is 62, Rock musician Darryl Hunt is 61 and Singer Jackie Jackson (The Jacksons) is 60.
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May 4th is: Great American Grump Day, Intergalactic Star Wars Day, Star Wars Day and Respect For Chickens Day,
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Larryj
Today's------------smart
An old gentleman who lived alone wrote to his son in prison. "Vincent, I'm getting too old to dig in the yard, so I can't plant tomatoes this year. I wish you were here to help me, like the old days. Love, Papa."
A few days later, he received a letter from his son. "Whatever you do, don't dig in that yard. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vincent."
At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire yard without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Hope that worked out for you. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Good luck with those tomatoes!"
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In 1925, schoolteacher John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution. (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.)
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed a law raising the minimum wage to $1.15 an hour, then to $1.25 an hour, for currently covered workers.
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Today---------------Actress Pat Carroll is 84, Saxophonist Ace Cannon is 77, Country singer-musician Roni Stoneman is 73, Actor Michael Murphy is 73, Actor Lance Henrikson is 71, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 68, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 67, Actor Roger Rees is 67 and Rock musician Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 63.
May 5th is: Totally Chipotle Day, Cartoonists Day, National Day of Prayer, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, National Day of Reason, Cinco De Mayo, International Midwives Day, Martin Z. Mollusk Day and Occupational Safety & Health Professionals Day.
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Sadly, Jackie Cooper of "Our Gang" passed away Tuesday in a Beverly Hills hospital after a sudden illness; he was 88.
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Larryj
yay! Martin Z Mollusk...I know him well! 8) :D
Today's-------------groan
A man always had wanted a grandfather clock. He saw one that he liked very much in a store not far from his home. He saved his money for a long time and finally had enough to purchase the clock. Unfortunately, he couldn't afford the extra delivery charge. So he walked to the store, paid his money, hoisted the clock on his back and struggled out to the street for the short walk home.
He made it halfway when a drunk, staggering in the other direction, bumped into him, knocking him to the ground and shattering the grandfather clock to pieces.
The distraught man jumped to his feet and yelled at the drunk, "Can't you watch where you're going?"
The drunk said, defensively, "Well, you're the one taking up the whole sidewalk. Can't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"
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In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis approved an act passed by the Confederate Congress recognizing that a state of war existed with the United States of America. Arkansas and Tennessee passed Ordinances of Secession from the Union. (Arkansas' secession took effect immediately; Tennessee's was ratified in a popular vote the following month.)
In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, N.J., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.
In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.
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Today----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 80, Rock singer Bob Seger is 66, Singer Jimmie Dale Gilmore is 66, Gospel singer-comedian Lulu Roman is 65, Actor Alan Dale is 64 and Actor Ben Masters is 64.
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May 6th is: Joseph Brackett Day, Military Spouse Appreciation Day, National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancies, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, National Registered Nurses Recognition Day, No Pants Day and Tuba Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------BIG TIME GROANER, DIANE IS GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.
Many years ago, a young brave left his tribe to attend a trade school in the nearby city. He became an electrician.
When he returned to the reservation, he remembered the many dark nights he had to stumble on his way to the outhouse. So he strung some wire and lighted the way.
It was the first time in history that anyone had----------
wait for it
"wired a head for reservations."
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In 1945, Germany signed an unconditional surrender at Allied headquarters in Rheims, France, ending its role in World War II.
In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era" in Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon; the Viet Cong celebrated its takeover.
In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Kentucky Derby, the first of his Triple Crown victories. (On this day in 2002, Seattle Slew died.)
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Today--------------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 72, Actress Robin Strasser is 66, Singer-songwriter Bill Danoff is 75, Singer Thelma Houston is 65 and Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 65.
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May 7th is: (deep breath here) Free Comic Book Day, Astronomy Day, Child Care Provider Day, Join Hands Day, Kentucky Derby, Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Baby sitter's Day, National Home Brew Day, National Scrap booking Day, National Trains Day, Space Day and World Asthma Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------it's Sunday
The pastor asked the little boy, "Do you say your prayers every night?"
The boy replied, "Yes I do. Every night."
The pastor smiled, then asked, "And do you say your prayers every morning, too?"
The boy answered, "No, I don't."
The pastor lifted his eyebrows and asked, "Why not?"
The boy said, "I ain't scared in the daytime."
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In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."
In 1973, militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota town of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered.
In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the upcoming Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.
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Today-----------Singer Toni Tenille is 71, Actor James Mitchum is 70, Country singer Jack Blanchard is 69, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 66 and Comedian Don Rickles is 85.
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May 8th is: No Socks Day, Time of Remembrance and Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During World War II, Second World War, VE Day, World Red Cross Day, National Miniature Golf Day, Stay Up All Night Day and Mother's Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old---still funny
A law officer approached a farmer and says, "We are conducting a manhunt in this area. I need to search your property."
The farmer says, "Fine, but stay out of that fenced field over there."
The officer pointed to the badge on his shirt and said, "I have the authority to search anywhere I want."
The farmer shrugged and said, "Suit yourself."
About an hour later, the officer was running for his life, chased by an angry bull that gained on him with each passing second. He saw the farmer looking on and cried out, "Help me!"
The farmer yelled back, "Try showing him your badge."
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In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific nicknamed "George."
In 1961, in a speech to the National Association of Broadcasters, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Newton N. Minow decried the majority of television programming as a "vast wasteland" of "game shows, formula comedies, blood and thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism, murder, western bad guys, western good guys, private eyes, gangsters, more violence and cartoons."
In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee opened public hearings on whether to recommend the impeachment of President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today-----------CBS News correspondent Mike Wallace is 93, Actress Geraldine McEwan is 79, Rock musician Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 76, Actor Albert Finney is 75, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 75, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 74, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 74, Singer Tommy Roe is 69, Singer-musician Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield and Poco) is 67, Actress Candice Bergen is 65, Pop singer Clint Holmes is 65, Actor Anthony Higgins is 64, Singer Billy Joel is 62 and Actress Alley Mills is 60.
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May 9th is: Accountants Day, Mothers At The Wall Day and Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications.
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Larryj
Today's-------------RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!! I gotta remember this line.....
A cocky student attending freshman orientation at the university took it upon himself to explain to a senior professor why it is impossible for the older generation to understand the younger generation.
"You grew up in a different world," he said, "You didn't have the technology we have today. We have jet airplanes, rockets and space probes. We have nuclear energy, hybrid cars, computers, cell phones and so much more."
After a brief silence, the senior professor patted the young man on the shoulder. "You're right, son. We didn't have all those things. So we invented them. Now, what are you doing for the next generation?"
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In 1611, Sir Thomas Dale arrived in the Virginia Colony, where, as deputy governor, he instituted harsh disciplinary measures to restore order.
In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, N.Y.
In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.
In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI Director.
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Today-----------Author Bel Kaufman ("Up The Down Staircase") is 100, Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 81, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Henry Fambrough (The Spinners) is 73, TV-Radio personality Gary Owens is 72, Actor David Clennon is 68, Writer-producer-director Jim Abrahams is 67, Singer Donovan is 65 and Singer Dave Mason is 65.
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May 10th is: Buddah Day, Lupus Day and Windmill Day.
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And, in remembrance, a recognition of the birthday of my mother, born in Howard on this day in 1904.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------blond?
A woman had a plane ticket in coach, but was sitting in first class. Two different flight attendants asked her to return to her proper assigned seat, but in each case she refused, saying, "I'm beautiful, I'm talented, I'm on my way to Los Angeles to be a star, and I'm going first-class!"
A third flight attendant decided to try. He approached the woman, said a few words to her, and she immediately hopped up and walked back to coach.
The first two attendants were amazed. "What did you say to her?" they both asked at once as the third attendant rejoined them. "Oh, it was easy," he said. "I told her that first-class doesn't go to Los Angeles."
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In 1811, conjoined twins Chang and Eng Bunker were born in Siam (now Thailand) giving rise to the term "Siamese twins."
In 1981, legendary reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital at age 36.
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Today-----------Comedian Mort Sahl is 84 and Rock singer Eric Burdon (The Animals) is 70.
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Mar 11th is: Eat What You Want Day, Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National School Nurse Day, National Night Shift Worker's Day and Receptionist's Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------haha
A drunk staggers into a church, sits in the back row, and listens to several minutes of responsive readings in Latin followed by the call for offerings. He stumbles out and flags down a passing policeman. Pointing back at the building, he announces, "That is a gambling hall!"
The cop looks, then says, "No, it's not. It's a church."
The drunk straightens himself as best he can and protests, "I was in there! A guy up front says, 'I play dominoes,' then everyone in the crowd says, 'I play dominoes,' then another guy goes up and down taking bets."
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In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh, Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.
In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.
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Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 86, Critic John Simon is 86, Composer Burt Bacharach is 83, Actress Millie Perkins is 73, Actress Linda Dano is 68, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 63, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 61 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 61.
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May 12th is: Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Limerick Day, National Nutty Fudge Day and Odometer Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------haha
Two seniors were discussing the news on the radio about a meth lab that had blown up in a nearby town. One of the gents said, "We didn't have drug problems when we were young."
The other said, "Well, I had a drug problem. I was drug to church every week. I was drug to the woodshed when I misbehaved. I was drug outside to do chores to earn my allowance. I was drug to family reunions and community socials and patriotic programs and charitable service events. Those drugs are still in my system and they influence everything I do. I'm glad my parents drugged me. I wish today's parents would drug their children the same way."
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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)
In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.
In 1961, actor Gary Cooper died in Los Angeles six days after turning 60.
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Today-----------------------Actor Buck Taylor is 73, Actor Harvey Keitel is 72, Author Charles Baxter is 64, Actor Franklyn Ajaye is 62, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 62 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 61.
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May 13th is: Blame Someone Else Day, Friday The 13th and Frog Jumping Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------ooooooooooooooooooo.....
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, charming, well-groomed, sharp as a tack and a real credit to the store's "Older-Person-Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, and you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your tardiness concerns me."
Charlie dipped his head. "Yes, I know, sir, and I am working on it," he said.
"Well, that's what I like to hear," the boss said.
There was a long pause, the he added, "I know you're a retired military man. Tell me, what did they say to you back then when you showed up late?"
Charley lifted his head and smiled, "Well, usually they saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"
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In 1796, English physician Edward Jenner inoculated 8-year-old James Phipps against smallpox by using cowpox matter.
In 1998, singer-actor Frank Sinatra died a a Los Angeles hospital at age 82
In 1998, the hit sitcom "Seinfeld" aired its final episode after nine years on NBC.
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Today-----------Opera singer Patrice Munsel is 86, Rock singer-musician Jack Bruce (Cream) is 68, Movie producer George Lucas is 67 and Actress Meg Foster is 63.
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May 14th is: International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carriers Food Drive Day, The Stars and Stripes Forever Day, National Chicken Dance Day, Underground America Day, National Windmill Day, Stay Up All Night, World Belly Dance Day and World Fair Trade Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------GROANER, BIG TIME GROANER
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
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In 1776, Virginia endorsed American independence from Britain.
In 1886, poet Emily Dickinson died in Amherst, MA., at age 55.
In 1930, registered nurse Ellen Church, the first airline stewardess, went on duty aboard an Oakland-to-Chicago flight operated by Boeing Air Transport (a forerunner of United Airlines.)
In 1942, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.
In 1970, just after midnight, Phillip Lafayette Gibbs and James Earl Green, two black students at Jackson State College in Mississippi, were killed as police opened fire during student protests.
In 1972, George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer and left paralyzed while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the democratic presidential nomination.
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Today------------Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 75, Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright is 74, Singer Lenny Welch is 73, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 71, Country singer K.T. Oslin is 69, Artist-singer-composer-producer Brian Eno is 63 and Singer Trini Lopez is 74.
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May 15th is: International Day of Families, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Safety Dose Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day, National Pizza Party Day, Straw Hat Day, Armed Forces Day and NASCAR Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------almost ashamed, no, I am ashamed to put this one in.
The Los Angeles Dodgers, first major-league baseball team to be based on the West Coast, apparently are about to expand the baseball world again.
The team will continue to play at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles, but officially will be franchised in and owned by the government of the Philippines.
The pending deal began coming together early in April when Commissioner Bud Selig became involved in quiet negotiations for a transfer of ownership between current boss Frank McCourt and the island nation.
Baseball became popular there during the 1950's and '60's, when millions of young American sailors spent time at the massive U.S. Naval base at Subic Bay. Those were the glory years for the Dodgers, and Filipinos became ardent fans.
Selig declined to comment on reports that a sticking point in the negotiations is the proposed new name for the team:
The Manila Folders.
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In 1868, the Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the 11 articles of impeachment against him.
In 1929, the first Academy Awards were presented. The movie "Wings" won "best production. Emil Jannings and Janet Gaynor were named best actor and actress.
In 1939, the government began its first food stamp program in Rochester, NY.
In 1991, Queen Elizabeth II became the first British Monarch to address the United States Congress.
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Today---Actor George Gaynes is 94, Actor Harry Carey Jr. is 90 and Actor Bill Smitrovich is 64.
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May 16th is: Biographers Day, National Sea Monkeys Day and Victoria Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------play on words
My friend is an old man and not very attractive widower. His eyes are sunken, his nose is hooked, and his cheeks are hollow. His lips are as wrinkled as a prune. He has a great deal of hair in his ears, but very little on his head.
I'm sorry to say it, but the poor fellow is quite unlucky in love. Just the other evening I overheard him proposing to a lady at the club. She turned him down.
She was gracious about it, but it still was a refusal.
I heard my friend say to her, with a long face, "You are the sixth woman to whom I have proposed without avail."
"Well," she replied, "maybe if you were to wear one when making your next proposal, you'll have better luck."
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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.
In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools.
In 1961, Cuban leader Fidel Castro offered to release prisoners captured in the Bay of Pigs invasion in exchange for 500 bulldozers. (The prisoners were eventually freed in exchange for medical supplies.)
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Today-----------Actor Peter Gerety is 71, Singer Taj Mahal is 69, Singer-songwriter Jesse Winchester is 67 and Rock musician Bill Bruford is 62.
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May 17th is: World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day and World Telecommunications Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------fop?
Percival bought a rather fancy new shirt at one of those trendy stores. When he got it home he noticed a piece of paper pinned to the inside . It was a note with the e-mail address of a woman. "Please reply and send photo," the note said.
Sensing romantic possibilities, Percy sent a boldly flirtatious e-mail to the woman. He sent several photos of himself as attachments.
In due course he received a response. It said, "My friend and I had a bet over what sort of man would wear a shirt like that. My friend guessed a man of style. I guessed a fop. I totally won the bet! Thank you!"
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In 1896, the Supreme Court, in Plessy v. Ferguson, endorsed "separate but equal" racial segregation, a concept renounced 58 years later in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.
In 1910, Hailey's Comet passed by Earth brushing it with it's tail.
In 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded leaving 57 people dead or missing.
In 1981, the New York Native, a gay newspaper, carried a story concerning rumors of "an exotic new disease" among homosexuals. It was the first published report about what came to be known as AIDS.
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Today----------Actor Bill Macy is 89, Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Jack Whitaker is 87, Actor Robert Morse is 80, Actor and Television executive Dwayne Hickman is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 74, Bluegrass singer-musician Rodney Dillard is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 65, Actress Candice Azzara is 64, Country singer Joe Bonsall (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 63 and Actor James Stephens is 60.
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May 18th is: International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day, Visit Your Relatives Day, National Employee Health and Fitness Day and Turn Beauty Inside Out Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Hah
Benson was playing in a charity golf tournament at the country club, and a fine crowd had turned out. As he teed up on the par-three ninth hole, he spotted a familiar face in the crowd up by the green.
Reaching for his club, Benson remarked to his playing companions, "Well, I'd better give it my best shot on this one. That's my mother-in-law up there."
"Come on, Benson, be real," the other said, "You can't expect to hit her at 200 yards."
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In 1962, during a Democratic fundraiser at New York's Madison Square Garden, actress Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday to you" to guest-of-honor President John F. Kennedy.
In 1964, the State Department disclosed that 40 hidden microphones had been found in the U.S. embassy in Moscow.
In 1994, former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York at age 64.
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Today---------------TV personality David Hartman is 76, Actor James Fox is 72, Actress Nancy Kwan is 72, Author-director Nora Ephron is 70, Actor Peter Mayhew is 67, Guitarist-composer Pete Townsend (The Who) is 66 and PBS commentator Jim Lehrer is 77.
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May 19th is: Boys Club Day and May Ray Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------there are some that are funny, some require thinking, some that are so-so, and some that just are bad. This is one of those.
American filmmaker Chris Columbus, born Christopher Columbus in 1958 in Pennsylvania, recently flew to London's Heathrow Airport. The director of "Gremlins," "The Goonies" and "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," was due to teach a film course at nearby Oxford University.
Unfortunately, the delegation that was sent to fetch Columbus at the airport and drive him up to Oxford had been delayed. Missing his flight arrival, they frantically searched the airport. In one lounge, they spied a gentleman who seemed to be a person of some importance. The chairman of the delegation approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, but are you Christopher Columbus?"
The man frowned and set down his drink. "Thunderation, no!" he said sternly. "I'm Henry the Eighth! Columbus is over there playing cards with Napoleon!"
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In 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, NY, aboard the Spirit of St. Louis on his historic solo flight to France.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Because of weather and equipment problems, Earhart set down in Northern Ireland instead of her intended destination, France.)
In 1961, a white mob attacked a busload of Freedom Riders in Montgomery, Alabama, prompting the federal government to send in U.S. marshals to restore order.
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Today--------Actor-author James McEachin is 81, Actor Anthony Zerbe is 75, Actor David Proval is 69, Singer Joe Cocker is 67, Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 62 and Singer-actress Cher is 65.
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May 20th is: Eliza Doolittle Day, International Virtual Assistants Day, Mike, the Headless Chicken Day, National Bike to Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, Rhubarb Day (20-21) and Weights and Measures Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------deja vu
The father took his daughter aside and said, sternly, "Danielle, it seems like your boyfriend is staying later and later. Hasn't your mother said something to you about this?"
Danielle looked down and said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact she has."
Her father replied with satisfaction, "And tell me, what did she say to you?"
Danielle looked up and answered, with the utmost sweetness, "She said men haven't changed one bit since she was young and dating you."
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In 1542, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto died while searching for gold along the Mississippi River.
In 1881, Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.
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Today--------Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 70, Rock musician Hilton Valentine (The Animals) is 68, Actor Richard Hatch (Battlestar Gallactica) is 66, Musician Bill Champlin is 64, Singer Leo Sayer is 63, Actress Carol Potter is 63 and Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn) is 60.
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May 21st is: American Red Cross Founders Day, Armed Forces Day, I Need A Patch For That Day, End Of The World Day, National Endangered Species Day, National Wait Staff Day, O. Henry Pun-off Day, Preakness Stakes, Sister Maria Hummel Day and World Day For Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development.
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Larryj
Today's------------okay
Stacy knew that Harold was a bit shy, but she didn't know he was THAT shy.
When he arrived for their first date with a large bouquet of flowers, she exclaimed, "Oh, they are so lovely," and kissed him warmly on the cheek.
He turned abruptly and made his departure.
Shocked, Stacy called after him, "I am so sorry if I offended you."
Without turning back, Harold waved and shouted, "Oh, I'm not offended. I'm going for more flowers!"
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In 1761, the first American life insurance policy was issued in Philadelphia to a Rev. Francis Allison, whose premium was 6 pounds per year.
In 1861, in what's generally regarded as the first Union combat fatality of the Civil War, Pvt. Thornsbury Bailey Brown was shot and killed by a Confederate soldier at Fetterman Bridge in present-day West Virginia.
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Today--------------Movie reviewer Judith Crist is 89, Singer Charles Aznavour is 87, Actor Michael Constantine is 84, Conductor Peter Nero is 77, Actor-director Richard Benjamin is 73, Actor Frank Converse is 73, Former CNN anchor Bernard Shaw is 71, Actress Barbara Parkins is 69 and Songwriter Bernie Taupin is 61.
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May 22nd is: International Day For Biological Diversity, Lag B' Omer, National Maritime Day and Neighbor Day.
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Larryj
Rev. Alison started an academy in nearby New London PA, (1739) just up 896 from me because there were no real classical schools in the area then. Eventually it moved down here (1767) and became the University of Delaware. There is still an Allison Hall, part of the teacher's college. (I believe he started out over in Old New Castle.) He was a very forward thinking, well loved,but stern Reverend in his day. He was also pastor of the New London Presbyterian Church, where I visit quite often. He had many students in his classes who went on to be quite famous leaders of their time, including several who were signers of the Declaration of Independence,Thomas McKean, George Reed and James Smith. He was also a tutor for the family of John Dickinson.His two sons, who both became doctors, are buried not far from my parents.
By the way, about that insurance policy he bought? He was part of a group that founded a ministers life insurance fund, so he essentially sold the policy to himself. ;)
Today's---------------haha
Myron was watching an infomercial on late-night television. Some quack was selling a miracle elixir that he declared would make men and women live to a great age.
"Look at me," he cried. "I take it every day, and I'm hale and hearty at the age of 160. Please make your call now. Operators are standing by."
Myron, doubtful, called the number. He asked the operator, "Is that guy really as old as he says he is?"
The operator replied, "How would I know? I've only worked with him for 100 years."
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In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush in Bienville Parish, Louisiana.
In 1984, Surgeon General C. Everett Koop issued a report saying there was "very solid" evidence linking cigarette smoke to lung disease in nonsmokers.
In 1991, talk show host Johnny Carson stunned an NBC affiliates' meeting in New York by announcing his retirement from "The Tonight Show," effective in one year.
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Today-------------Bluegrass singer Mac Wiseman is 86, Actor Nigel Davenport is 83, Actress Barbara Barrie is 80, Actress Joan Collins is 78, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 75, Actress Lauren Chapin is 66, Country singer Misty Morgan is 66 and Country singer Judy Rodman is 60.
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May 23rd is: Declaration of the Bab Day, National Taffy Day, World Crohn's and Colitis Day, World Turtle Day and Victoria Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------duh
Jessica meant to make proper arrangements to have her mail held while she went on vacation for the week, but she ran out of time.
Just before rushing out the door, she stuck a card on the mailbox that said, "Gone all week. Don't leave anything!"
It wasn't the brightest thing to do.
When she returned home, she found that her house had been ransacked. The card she left on the mailbox now lay in the middle of the kitchen floor and a note had been added to it.
"Thanks! We haven't left much!"
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In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message, "What Hath God Wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he formerly opened America's first telegraph line.
In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place at Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.
In 1961, a group of Freedom Riders was arrested after arriving at a bus terminal in Jackson, Mississippi, charged with breaching the peace for entering white-designated areas. (They ended up serving 60 days in jail.)
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Today-------------Comedian Tommy Chong is 73, Singer Bob Dylan is 70, Actor Gary Burghoff is 68, Singer Patti LaBelle is 67, Actress Priscilla Presley is 66, Country singer Mike Reid is 64 and Actor Jim Broadbent is 62.
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May 24th is: Brother's Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Morse Code Day and National Geographic Bee Day.
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Larryj
Today-----------another burglary joke?
A homeowner was wakened in the middle of the night by the sounds of a burglar on the floor below. He quickly descended the stairs, brandishing a revolver, and confronted the intruder.
He commanded, "Take every bit of that stuff out of your bag this instant and put it on the table next to you!"
The surprised burglar immediately began emptying the bag. When it was half-empty, though, he stopped.
The homeowner waved his revolver and said, "Every bit of it, do you hear me?"
The thief said, in a pleading voice, "Sir, that is not fair."
The homeowner thundered, "How dare you? What do you mean, it's not fair?"
The burglar said, pitifully, "Half of it came from next door!"
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In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy told a joint session of Congress; "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth."
In 1986, an estimated 7 million Americans participated in "Hands Across America" to raise money for the nation's hungry and homeless.
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Today--------Lyricist Hal David is 90, Country Singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 75, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 72, Country singer Jesse Coulter is 68, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 68, Movie producer and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 67 and Actress Karen Valentine is 64.
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May 25th is: African Freedom Day, National Missing Children's Day, Cookie Monster's Birthday, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day, Towel Day, World MS (Multiple Sclerosis) Day and National Senior Health and Fitness Day.
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Larryj
To day's-------------Yep, a groaner
Did you hear the one about the young clergyman who played golf with a parishioner 30 years his senior, and was soundly beaten? In fact, the older fellow won every single hole.
In the clubhouse, afterward, the preacher was obviously downcast.
"Cheer up, reverend," the older victor said, happily, "Remember, you'll win at the end. You'll be burying me some day."
The young preacher, still long-faced, said, "Yes, but even then, it will be your hole."
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In 1938, the House Un-American Activities Committee was established by Congress.
In 1941, the American Flag House, where Betsy Ross once lived, was donated to the city of Philadelphia.
In 1960, U.N. Ambassador Henry Cabot Lodge accused the Soviets of hiding a microphone inside a wood carving of the Great Seal of the United States that had been presented to the U.S. embassy in Moscow.
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Today---------------Actor James Arness is 88, Actor Alec McCowen is 86, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 72, Rock singer-musician Levon Helm (The Band) is 71, Rock musician Garry Peterson (Guess Who) is 66, Singer Stevie Nicks is 63, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 62, Country singer Hank Williams, Jr. is 62, Former astronaut Sally K. Ride is 60 and Actress Pam Grier is 62.
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May 26th is: Scripps National Spelling Bee Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------give the kid an "A"
The old, irascible math professor was tenured and in no danger of losing his job, but he certainly was losing his marbles and everyone knew it.
Many of his students openly mocked him, which made him even more angry and mean-spirited than usual.
One day, after railing against the class for 15 minutes and denouncing several students by name for their poor scores on a recent quiz, he paused for a long moment, then looked up from the lectern and said, "If there are 50 states in the union, and superheated steam equals the distance from Bombay to Bakersfield, what is my age?"
A freshman stood up and said, "84, sir."
The professor's eyebrows lifted. "That is correct!" he said. "How did you work it out?"
The freshman replied, "I have an uncle who is 42, and he is only half nuts."
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In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus. (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)
In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.
In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge, connecting San Francisco and Marin County, was opened to pedestrian traffic. (Vehicular traffic began crossing the next day.)
In 1941, amid rising world tensions, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed and "unlimited national emergency" during a radio address from the White House. The British Royal Navy sank the German battleship Bismarck off France, with a loss of some 2,000 lives, three days after the Bismarck sank the HMS Hood.
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Today---------------------Delores Hope (widow of Bob Hope) is 102, Novelist Herman Wouk is 96, Actor Christopher Lee is 89, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 88, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 75, Singer Bruce Cockburn is 66 and Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 61.
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May 27th is: Cellophane Tape Day, National Wig Out Day and Old Time Player Piano Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------gotcha
"Darling, I beg you, will you be my wife?"
"Will you always let me do whatever I please?"
"Certainly, my love."
"Can my mother come live with us?"
"Of course, dear."
"Will you give up drinking and playing golf with your friends?"
"Without an argument, my pet."
"Will you support me and give me money whenever I want it?"
"Willingly, sweetheart."
"I'm sorry, my answer is no. I never could marry such an awful liar."
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In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.
In 1985, David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers (he was freed 17 months later.)
_______________________________________________________
Today------------------Bockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 82, Actress Carroll Baker is 80, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 80, Actor John Karlen is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 73, Actress Beth Howland is 70, Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 67, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 67, Singer Billy Vera is 67, Singer John Fogerty is 66 and Singer Gladys Knight is 67.
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May 28th is: Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------duh
Sherlock Holmes never failed to astound his assistant, Watson, with acute powers of observation. And Watson, in turn, sometimes left Holmes in rather a dumbfounded state, too.
Holmes: "Ah, good morning, Watson. I see you are still wearing your winter underwear."
Watson: "Incredible! Just incredible! Tell me, my dear Holmes, how have you possibly managed to deduce that?"
Holmes: "Elementary, Watson. You see, you have quite forgotten to put on your trousers."
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In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of The Saturday Evening Post.
In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.
In 1961, a couple in Paynesville, W.VA, became the first recipients of food stamps under a pilot program created by President John F. Kennedy.
In 1973, Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los Angeles, defeating incumbent Sam Yorty.
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Today---------Actor Clifton James is 90, Former Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent is 73, Race car driver Al Unser is 72, CBS News correspondent Bob Simon is 70, Actor Kevin Conway is 69, Actor Helmut Berger is 67, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harem) is 66, Actor Anthony Geary is 64 and Singer Rebbie Jackson is 61,
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May 29th is: Indianapolis 500, International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers, Rogation Sunday and Rural Life Sunday Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------appropriate for the day
Two of Uncle Sam's soldiers, retiring from the Army after a long, battle tested enlistment, purchased an old saloon in a country town. Repairs and a new coat of paint took several weeks. Finally, the place was in mint condition. But the doors remained locked.
The villagers waited another week or two, but then they gathered outside, and one of them knocked on the door.
A window opened and one of the former soldiers poked his head out and said, somewhat boozily, "So what's all this then?"
"We want to know when you are going to open up," was the reply.
"Open up?" the retired military man snorted. "We bought the place for ourselves!"
_________________________________________________________
In 1806, future president Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson in a duel with pistols that left Jackson seriously wounded.
In 1911, the first Indy 500 (originally called the "International Sweepstakes" took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun who drove a Marmon Wasp for more than 6 hours at an average speed of 74.6 mph and collected a prize of $10,000.
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Today------------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 85, Actor Clint Walker is 84, Actor Keir Dullea is 75, Actress Ruta Lee is 75, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 72, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Gayle Sayers is 68, Rock musician Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five) is 67 and Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 60.
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May 30th is: Memorial Day, Loomis Day and Prayer For Peace Memorial Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------who said "I wouldn't want to join a group that would have me"
A disheveled tramp was sleeping behind the 18th green at the most exclusive country club in the state. A club official, arriving for work, noticed the slumbering figure and walked over. He prodded the fellow awake with his foot, rather roughly, and told him to be on his way.
"And who are you?" the tramp demanded.
"I am the membership secretary of this club," the official said, imperiously, rising to his full height.
"Well," the tramp said, "that ain't no way to get new members."
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BONUS----------(couldn't pass this one up)
Two blonds were sitting on the beach one night, sipping wine, and enjoying the view of the stars and the moon. One blond says to the other, "I wonder which is closer, the moon or Florida?"
The other blond looks her companion and says, "Well, obviously, the moon."
The first one says, "How do you figure that?"
The second one says, "YOU CAN SEE THE MOON. YOU CAN'T SEE FLORIDA."
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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.
In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.
In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.
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Today-----------Actress Elaine Stewart is 82, Singer Peter Yarrow is 73, Former Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite is 72, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 71, Actress Sharon Gless is 68, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 68, Actor Tom Berenger is 61, Actor Gregory Harrison is 61 and Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 81.
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May 31st is: What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No-Tobacco Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------whoops
The country preacher was not very familiar with modern styles and fashions. While attending a denominational conference in the big city, he had occasion to walk about and do a little sightseeing. He continually was dismayed by the sight of people wearing peculiar clothes, accessories and hairstyles. Finally, he could stand it no longer. Joining a small throng of people gathered around a monument, he approached a stranger and said, "Excuse me."
"Yes?" the stranger said.
"I'm new to the city and I'm very confused by the appearance of the people here. That young individual over there, for example, with the half shaved head and all the tattoos. Is that a boy or girl?"
"That's a girl," said the other. "She's my daughter."
"Oh! I am terribly embarrassed. I would not have been so forward, had I known you were her mother."
"I'm not. I'm her father."
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In 1861, Confederate Capt. John Quincy Marr was killed during a skirmish with Union cavalrymen near Fairfax Court House in Virginia; he is widely regarded as the first Confederate officer killed in the Civil War.
In 1943, a civilian flight from Portugal to England was shot down by the Germans during World War II, killing all 17 people aboard, including actor Leslie Howard.
In 1961, regular FM stereo broadcasting began in the United States.
In 1971, American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, 78, died in Stockbridge, Mass.
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Today--------------Singer Pat Boone is 77, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 77, Actor Morgan Freeman is 74, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 71, Opera singer Frederica von Stade is 66, Actor Brian Cox is 65, Rock musician Ronnie Wood is 64, Actor Jonathon Pryce is 64, Actor Powers Booth is 63, Actress Gemma Craven is 61 and Actor Andy Griffith is 85.
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June the 1st is: Heimlich Maneuver Day, National Go Barefoot Day, Say Something Nice Day and Stand For Children Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Hah
Tony and Yvonne, both 85, had been married for 65 years. They lived frugally, and both were still in good health, thanks to Yvonne's penchant for health food. One day, however, they died in an accident and made their appearance before the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter escorted them inside and took them to a beautiful mansion surrounded by gardens. "This is your home now," he said.
Next, they toured a spectacular golf course. "You play for free whenever you like," St. Peter said.
In the clubhouse, a lavish buffet lunch awaited, with every delicious food and beverage on display. "All free, every day," St. Peter said.
Tony looked nervously at Yvonne, then asked St. Peter, "Is there a low-fat, low-sugar, low-salt menu?"
St. Peter laughed and replied, "This is Heaven. You can eat whatever you like without risk. Enjoy yourselves."
Tony glared at Yvonne and muttered, "You and your health food. We could have been here years ago!"
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In 1851, Maine became the first state to enact a total ban on the manufacture and sale of liquor.
In 1855, rioting broke out in Portland, Maine, over rumors a stash of liquor (which would have been legal for "medicinal and mechanical purposes" under the Maine law) was being kept inside City Hall; one man was killed when militiamen opened fire.
In 1886, President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Frances Folsom, who at 21 became America's youngest first lady, in the Blue Room of the White House. (To date, Cleveland is the only president to marry in the executive mansion.)
In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that "the report of my death was an exaggeration."
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Today----------Actor Milo O'Shea is 86, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 74, Actor Ron Ely is 73, Actor Stacy Keach is 70, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 70, Singer William Guest (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 70, Actor Charles Haid is 68, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 67, Actress Joanne Gleason is 61 and Actor Jerry Mathers, the Beaver, is 63.
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June 2nd is: Leave The Office Early Day, National Bubba Day, National Running Day, National Tailors Day, and, Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day. (I will explain that last one. It is a known fact that fudge gags cobras and the mere mention of the word scares them and they take off as fast as they can. So, at any time during the day, go outside and yell "fudge" in order to keep the cobras out of North America.) ::)
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Larryj
Today's---------------old, still funny
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the boy hated it because it was too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter and too gross all the time. One day, after a week of rain, the nearby creek flooded its banks and reached all the way to the outhouse. It flowed by in a torrent.
The boy watched in amazement. Then he got an idea. He found a long tree branch and used it to tip the outhouse into the raging river. It floated away.
That evening his father said they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing this meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
Dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?'
The boy hung his head and answered yes. Then he said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree, but he didn't get in trouble because he told the truth."
Dad said, "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time."
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In 1861, Illinois Senator Stephen A. Douglas, the Democratic presidential nominee in the 1860 election, died in Chicago of typhoid fever; he was 48.
In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.
In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.
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Today-------------TV producer Chuck Barris is 82, Actress Irma P. Hall is 76, Author Larry McMurtry is 75, Singer Eddie Holman is 65, Actor Tristan Rogers is 65, Musician Too Slim (Riders in the Sky) is 63, Rock musician Richard Moore is 62, Singer Suzi Quatro is 61 and Singer Deneice Williams is 60.
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June 3rd is: Chimborazo Day and Doughnut Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------prayer for the day
DEAR LORD: So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent.
I have not whined, complained, cursed or eaten any chocolate.
I have not maxed out any of my credit cards.
BUT LORD, IT'S ONLY MORNING! I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I REALLY will need your help then!
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In 1919, Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing citizens the right to vote regardless of their gender, and sent it to the states for ratification.
In 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II.
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Today---------------Actor Bruce Dern is 75, Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 67 and Jazz musician Anthony Braxton is 66.
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June 4th is: Audacity To Hope Day, Do-Dah Day, International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression, Drawing Day and National Trails Day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In passing------------JAMES ARNESS, the 6-foot-6 actor who towered over the television landscape for two decades as righteous Dodge City lawman Matt Dillon in "Gunsmoke," died Friday. He was 88.
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Larryj
Today's------------------here's a hint
"Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come to dinner as often as possible, but never invite you to their house in return?"
"No, as a matter of fact, they finally took the hint. We haven't seen them for quite awhile."
"Well done! What did you say to them that did the trick?"
"Oh, we didn't say a word. We just started serving them sponge cake every time they came."
________________________________________________
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary. Gunman Sirhan Sirhan was immediately arrested.
In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a struggle with Alzheimer's disease.
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Today-------------Broadcast journalist Bill Moyers is 77, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 66, Rock musician Fred Stone (AKA Fred Stewart) (Sly and the Family Stone) is 65, Artist-rock singer Laurie Anderson is 64, Country singer Gail Davies is 63 and Author Ken Follett is 62.
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June 5th is: National Cancer Survivors Day, Children's Awareness Memorial Day, World Environment Day and Hot Air Balloon Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------OUCH!
A woman visited a palm reader to have her fortune told.
"I see you are in love with a tall man with reddish hair and a gold tooth that is quite visible when he smiles," the palm reader said.
"My goodness, that's right!"
"I see he has asked you to marry him."
"Why, that is correct!"
"And his name is Bill Jones."
"That's incredible. How can you tell so much from the lines ?"
"Oh, it's not the lines on your hand that are telling me," the palm reader said. "It's the ring on your finger. It's the same one I gave back to Bill Jones two weeks ago."
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In 1934, the Securities and Exchange Commission was established.
In 1944, during World War II, Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France, on "D-Day," beginning the liberation of German-occupied western Europe.
In 1966, black activist James Meredith was shot and wounded as he walked along a Mississippi highway to encourage black voter registration.
In 1978, California voters approved Proposition 13, a primary ballot initiative calling for major cuts in property taxes.
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Today---------------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 79, Civil-rights activist Roy Innis is 77, Singer-songwriter Gary "U.S." Bonds is 72, Country singer Joe Stampley is 68, Actor Robert Englund is 64 and Singer Dwight Twilley is 60.
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June 6th is: D-Day and Drive-in Movie Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------This guy needs help
The bachelor did not know the first thing about babies. But when his sister had one, he traveled out of state to visit. It was not his idea, quite frankly. His sister pressured him. Even his own friends pressured him.
He stayed a week, and spent a great deal of time observing the baby. When he returned, his friends asked him for a report. What did he think of the baby, they wanted to know.
He thought for a moment, then said, "He's terribly stunted, quite wrinkled, and very red in the face. He babbles constantly, but makes no sense at all. It's very sad to see someone like that, but there's no help for him. He's a very hard drinker."
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In 1769, frontiersman Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.
In 1939, King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth, arrived at Niagara Falls, NY, from Canada on the first visit to the United States by a reigning British Monarch.
In 1967, the Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinic opened in San Francisco.
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Today-----------Movie director James Ivory is 83, Actress Virginia McKenna is 80, Singer Tom Jones is 71, Poet Nikki Giovanni is 68, Actor Ken Osmond ("Leave It To Beaver") is 68, Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 65 and Actress Anne Twomey is 60.
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June 7th is: Daniel Boone Day and VCR Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------hah
On a very hot day a man was standing is a long line to get into an ice cream parlor. Just behind him in line, a woman complained incessantly. She complained about the long line. She complained that she was on a diet and shouldn't be eating ice cream. Then she went back to complaining about the line again. And then her diet again. She wouldn't stop.
Finally, the man had heard enough. He turned to the woman and said, crossly, "So, which is it? You can't handle the wait? Or, you can't handle the weight?"
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In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tenn.
In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for another term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's convention in Baltimore.
In 1953, the Supreme Court ruled that restaurants in the District of Columbia could not refuse to serve blacks.
In 1966, a merger was announced between the National and American Leagues, to take effect in 1970.
In 1978, a jury in Clark County, Nevada, ruled the so-called "Mormon will" purportedly written by Howard Hughes, was a forgery.
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Today------------Former first lady Barbara Bush is 86, Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 84, Comedian Joan Rivers is 78, Actress Millicent Martin is 77, Actor James Darren is 75, Actor Bernie Casey is 72, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 71, Singer Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night) is 69, Musician Boz Scaggs is 67, Actress Sonia Braga is 61 and Actress Kathy Baker is 61.
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June 8th is: Shavuot (8-9), Upsy-Daisy Day and World Ocean Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------hah
An inebriated fellow was making unsteady progress down the sidewalk. A passing cop stopped and asked him, "Are you OK?"
The man paused and turned wobbily to face his questioner. He struggled to focus his eyes. Then he pointed a finger at the cop and declared, "Sir, I am looking for Alcoholics Anonymous."
The cop said, "That's good. You're just a block away. Are you planning to join?"
The drunk frowned, the answered with indignation, "Join? I should say not. I'm going to resign!"
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In 1909, Alice Huyler Ramsey, 22, set out from New York in a Maxwell DA on a journey to become the first woman to drive across the United States. (Ramsey and three female companions arrived in San Francisco on Aug. 7.)
In 1954, during the Senate-Army Hearings, Army special counsel Joseph N. Welch berated Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy, asking: "Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"
In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood.
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Today-----------------Actress Mona Freeman is 85, Media analyst Marvin Kalb is 81, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 72, Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 72 and Rock musician Jon Lord is 70.
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June 9th is: Donald Duck Day (Did you know that Donald has a middle name? Do you know what it is?)
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Larryj
Today's---------------That's what she said
Women are intuitive. Men are more literal-minded. They follow instructions to the letter. This can lead to problems.
Wife: "Could you please stop by the store on your way home tonight?"
Husband: "Sure, what do you need?"
Wife: "Pick up a carton of milk. And it they have brown eggs, get 12."
That night, hubby comes home with 12 cartons of milk.
Wife: "Why on earth did you buy 12 cartons of milk?"
Husband: "Because they had brown eggs."
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In 1610, Englishman Lord De La Warr arrived at the Jamestown settlement to take charge of the Virginia Colony.
In 1907, 11 men and five cars set out from the French embassy in Beijing on a race to Paris. (Prince Scipione Borghese of Italy was the first to arrive in the French capital two months later.)
In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith and William Griffith Wilson.
____________________________________________
Today-------------Britain's Prince Philip is 90, Columnist Nat Hentoff is 86, Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 78 and Singer Shirley Alston Reeves (The Shirelles) is 70,
____________________________________________
June 10th is: Ballpoint Pen Day and Iced Tea Day.
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Larryj
Sorry, I am late
Donald Fauntleroy Duck
Gosh, I hope I survive that one.
Wilma,
I bet you did not know Donald's middle name, but the question was asked earlier on this thread and I let it get by me.
And, about three years ago when I posted the history of the Duck family, I did not even have that middle name included.
Today's--------------Oh no.
The boss confronted the employee and handed him a small photo. "What do you see here?" he demanded.
The employee studied the image and said, "It looks like two people dining by candlelight in a romantic restaurant, but I can't really make out the details."
The boss produced a 5x7 inch enlargement. "What do you see now?"
The employee said, "Why, I think that's your wife, but I'm not certain."
The boss handed him a 10x12 inch enlargement. "How about now?"
The employee said, "Yes, that's your wife. And that's me with her."
The boss said, "What do you intend to do about it?"
The employee said, "Well, if you'll give me a raise, I can afford the whole set. Otherwise, I'll just take a dozen of the wallet-size."
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In 1770, Captain James Cook, commander of the British ship Endeavour, discovered the Great Barrier Reef by running into it.
In 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee to draft a Declaration of Independence calling for freedom from Britain.
In 1947, the government announced the end of household and institutional sugar rationing , to take effect the next day.
In 1971, the year-and-a-half-long occupation of Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay by American Indian activists ended as federal officers evicted the remaining protesters.
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Today-------------Opera singer Rise Stevens is 98, Actor Gene Wilder is 78, Actor Chad Everett is 74, Comedian Johnny Brown is 74, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 72, Singer Joey Dee is 71 and Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 66.
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June 11th is: Belmont Stakes Day, Corn On The Cob Day and The Wicket World of Croquet Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------ooookkkaaayyy
The chief constable of a tiny town in the Appalachians was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night his phone rang.
"Is Mr. Wiggins there?" said the agitated person on the other end.
"Yes, this is Mr. Wiggins. Do you need me in my capacity as constable, or in my capacity as veterinarian?"
"Both," came the reply. "We can't get our new bulldog to open its mouth. And there's a burglar in it."
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In 1967, the Supreme Court in Loving vs. Virginia struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.
In 1981, "Raiders of the Lost Ark," directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, was first released.
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Today-------------Banker/philanthropist David Rockefeller is 96, Former president George H.W. Bush is 87, Singer Vic Damone is 83, Songwriter Richard Sherman is 83, Jazz musician Chuck Corea is 70, Sportscaster Marv Alpert is 70, Singer Roy Harper is 70, Rock singer Reg Presley (The Troggs) is 70 and Actor-singer Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle) is 81.
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June 12th is: Abused Women And Children's Day, Crowded Nest Awareness Day, Loving Day, Orthodox Pentecost, Raggedy Ann and Andy Day, Ride The Wind Day or World Wind Day, Race Unity Day and Whitsunday.
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Larryj
Wish I had that problem with my dog, he waits for them to open the door and then comes in first.
Today's--------------Warph will probably like this one
Some railroad workers who had no knowledge of the game of golf were having their lunch on a hillside overlooking the green of one of the state's finest country clubs.
They watched as one golfer knocked his tee shot into a rut off the fairway, and then they saw that it took him several swings to get his ball back on the fairway.
They watched him hit his next shot into a sand trap, next to the green, then observed that he took several more strokes extricating his ball out of the sand and onto the green.
Finally, they watched him sink a 60-yard putt right into the cup.
One of them shouted out, "Now you're in a fix, aren't you? You'll never hit it out of there!"
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In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.
In 1966, the Supreme Court ruled in Miranda vs. Arizona that criminal suspects had to be informed of their constitutional rights to consult with an attorney and to remain silent.
In 1971, The New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of America's involvement in Vietnam from 1945 to 1967 that had been leaked to the paper by military analyst Daniel Ellsberg.
In 1996, the 81-day-old Freeman standoff ended as 16 remaining members of the anti-government group surrendered to the FBI and left their Montana ranch.
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Today------------Actor Bob McGrath is 79, Artist Christo is 76, Magician Siegfried (Siegfried and Roy) is 72, Singer Bobby Freeman is 71, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 68, Actor Richard Thomas is 60 and Actor Dennis Locorriere is 62.
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June 13th is: Whitmonday and Queen's Official Birthday.
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Larryj
Loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Today's---------------Oh, that explains it.
Jill received the hospital bill for her recent surgery and almost fainted to see a $900 charge for anesthesiology. She called the hospital, found out how to contact the anesthesiologist and gave him a call.
"This $900 charge can't be correct," she said.
"Oh, yes, that's the standard fee," the doctor said.
"That's a lot of money just to knock a person out, don't you think?" she asked.
"Oh, I knock you out for free," the doctor replied. "The $900 is for bringing you back around."
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In 1775, the Continental Army, forerunner of the United States Army, was created.
In 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag.
In 1943, the Supreme Court, in West Virginia State Board of Education vs. Barnette, ruled that children in public schools could not be forced to salute the flag of the United States.
In 1954, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1967, the space probe Mariner 5 was launched from Cape Kennedy on a flight that took it past Venus.
In 1986, death claimed "Wild Kingdom" host Marlin Perkins in suburban St. Louis at age 81.
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Today-----------------Actress Marla Gibbs is 80, Writer Peter Mayle is 72, Actor Jack Bannon is 71, Country-rock musician Spooner Oldham is 68, Rock singer Rod Argent (The Zombies) is 66, Real estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump is 65, Singer Janet Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 65, Rock musician Barry Melton is 64 and Rock musician Alan White (Yes) is 62.
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June 14th is: Army's Birthday, Pause For The Pledge Day, (World) Blood Donor Day, Family History Day and Flag Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------dang it
The priest and the rabbi were old friends. One day, they invited a younger man, a Baptist minister, to join them on a fishing trip. They had just rowed to their favorite fishing hole in the middle of the lake, when the priest said, "Good Heavens! I left my tackle box in the car." He stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, then returned with his tackle box.
The rabbi said, "I can't believe it. I left our picnic hamper behind." He got out of the boat, walked across the water, and returned with the picnic hamper.
The young minister, certain he had beheld twin miracles, was full of spirit. He decided to test these wonderful waters himself. He stood, stepped out of the boat and promptly sank like a stone. After the other two fished him out, he sputtered, "So, how did you two manage to walk on the water like that?"
The rabbi and the priest laughed heartily. The rabbi answered, "My son, we know where the stepping stones are."
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In 1215, England's King John put his seal to the Magna Carta ("the Great Charter") at Runnymede.
In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voted unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.
In 1864, Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton signed an order establishing a military burial ground, which became Arlington National Cemetery.
In 1944, American forces began their successful invasion of Saipan during World War II. B-29 Superfortresses carried out their first raids on Japan.
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Today------------Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is 79, Rock musician Lee Dorman (Iron Butterfly) is 69, Rock singer-actor Johnny Hallyday is 68, Singer Russell Hitchcock (Air Supply) is 62 and Rock singer Steve Walsh (Kansas) is 60.
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June 15th is: Magna Carta Day, World Elder Abuse Day, Native American Citizenship Day and Nature Photography Day.
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Larryj
Today is also Global Wind Day!
http://www.globalwindday.org/index.php?id=9
Global Wind Day...OMG... :o :o...Dangit...OK...I'm not going to go there, even though it is almost more than I can take...LOL
...OH... UM... TEE-HEE...CHORTLE, SNICKER. :-X :-X :-X :-X ;D ;D ;D WHEW!
You're welcome Ladies!
Completely ancilary to nothing in particular (or apropos to nothing) - Did anyone here know that Tulsa's Gusty was originally named Windy, and was from Kansas:
http://www.gusty.us/story.htm
Flint
Today's-------------Hah
The old man boasted to the other fellow on the park bench, "I never have touched a drop a alcohol, and I don't use caffeine, either. I don't eat spicy foods. I never have smoked. I never have wasted a minute of my time in night clubs or dance halls. I don't gamble or even play card games. I've never owned a television. I've never taken up with women. I've kept on the straight and narrow my entire life and I'm about to celebrate my 90th birthday."
The other fellow considered this for a moment, then said, "Well, can't be much of a celebration, can it?"
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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
In 1911, the Computing-Tabulating-Recording Co., was incorporated in New York State; it later became known as International Business Machines or IBM.
In 1959, actor George Reeves, TVs "Superman" was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in the bedroom of his Beverly Hills home; he was 45.
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Today-------------Actor Bill Cobbs is 76, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 73, Country singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 72, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Lavert is 69, Actress Joan Van Ark is 68, Actor Geoff Pierson is 62, Rhythm-and-blues singer James Smith (the Stylistics) is 61 and Boxing Hall-of-Famer Roberto Duran is 60.
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June 16th is: Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Ladies Day (baseball) and Recess At Work Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------ouch
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith took the child aside after recess and said, "Bobby, when I was your age, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze in that position and I would look like that forever."
Bobby looked her in the face and said, "Well, that explains that, doesn't it?"
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In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Iser.
In 1961, Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defected to the West while his troupe was in Paris.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon's eventual downfall began with the arrest of five burglars inside Democratic national headquarters in Washington, D.C.'s Watergate complex.
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Today--------------Actor Peter Lupus is 79, Actor William Lucking is 70, Singer Barry Manilow is 68 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 60.
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June 17th is: Stewarts Root Beer Day, Dump The Pump Day, National Day Of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought and National Flip Flop Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------very helpful
My husband and I were in the DVD department at Target trying to find a movie that we had seen in the theater recently. He really had liked it and I decided to buy the DVD as a Father's Day present for him. Not having any luck locating it among the ones displayed, I saw a clerk who noticed that we were a little perplexed. When she asked if she could help us, I told her we were looking for "The Way Back." Her immediate response was, "That's easy. Just follow this aisle to the end and turn left. It will lead you to the outside door."
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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.
In 1812, the United States declared war against Britain.
In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, NY, of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 presidential election. (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)
In 1983, astronaut Sally K. Ride became America's first woman in space as she and four colleagues blasted off aboard the space shuttle Challenger.
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Today----------Columnist Tom Wicker is 85, Rock Singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 69, Movie critic Roger Ebert is 69, Actress Constance McCashin is 64, Actress Linda Thorson is 64 and Rock musician John Evans (The Box Tops) is 63.
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June 18th is: International Sushi Day and World Juggling Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------happy father's day
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, had a tough time of it on Father's Day last year. He didn't realize until Sunday morning that he had neglected to buy a card for Dad. He rushed to the store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: "You've been like a father to me!"
He looked at Ryan, puzzled.
"Well," Ryan tried to explain. "It was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"
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In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that remaining slaves in Texas were free.
In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington. (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)
In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37, convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, NY.
In 1991, actress Jean Arthur died in Carmel at age 90.
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Today---------------Actress Gena Rowlands is 81, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 69, Nobel Peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi is 66 and Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 61.
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June 19th is: Garfield the Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day, World Sauntering Day, Husband Caregiver Day, Family Awareness Day and --------------FATHER'S DAY.
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Larryj
Today's-------------this one is for Jarhead........
A retired Marine Corps sergeant took a job as a school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back, requiring him to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, his shirt fit over the cast, so it was not noticeable.
On the first day of school, he was assigned to teach a remedial class for students with behavior problems. "As an ex-Marine, you're just the person for the job," the principal told him.
As he entered the classroom, the new teacher ignored the snickers and muttered remarks he could hear. He opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a large stapler from the desk, and forcefully stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence!
He never had a single discipline problem with that class.
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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States.
In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, Mass., found Lizzie Borden not guilty of the ax murders of her father and stepmother.
In 1921, Rep. Alice Mary Robertson, R-Okla., became the first woman to preside over a session of the House of Representatives. The milestone was reached during a roll call vote on funding a U.S. delegation to the centenary celebration of Peru's independence.
In 1947, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel was shot dead at the Beverly Hills mansion of his girlfriend, Virginia Hill, apparently at the order of mob associates.
In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)
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Today-----------Actress Olympia Dukakis is 80, Actor Martin Landou is 80, Actor James Tolkan is 80, Actor Danny Aiello is 78, Blues musician Lazy Lester is 78, Actor John Mahoney is 71, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 69, Actor John McCook is 67, Singer Anne Murray is 66, TV personality Bob Villa is 65, Musician Andre Watts is 65, Actress Candy Clark is 64, Producer Tina Sinatra is 63 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Ritchie is 62.
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June 20th is: American Eagle Day, Ride to Work (Motorcycles) Day and World Refugee Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------another "old, still funny"......
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question, gently tapping him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, a small frightened voice from the back seat said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
The driver, breathing hard, waved his hand weakly. "No, it's my fault," he said. "Today is my first day of driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
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In 1989, a sharply divided Supreme Court ruled that burning the American flag as a form of political protest was protected by the First Amendment.
In 2005, 41 years to the day after three civil-rights workers were beaten and shot to death, Edgar Ray Killen, an 80-year-old former Ku Klux Klansman, was found guilty of manslaughter in a Mississippi court. (Killen was sentenced to 60 years in prison.)
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Today--------------Actor Monte Markham is 76, Songwriter Don Black is 73, Actress Mariette Hartley is 71, Comedian Joe Flaherty is 70, Rock Singer-musician Ray Davies (The Kinks) is 67, Actress Meredith Baxter is 64, Actor Michael Gross is 64, Country singer Leon Everette is 63 and Actor Bernie Kopell is 78.
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June 21st is: Atheists Solidarity Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, Ann and Samantha Day, Baby Boomers Recognition Day, Go Skateboarding Day, Summer Solstice, World Handshake Day and World Humanist Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------wasn't even close to funny........back to the archives
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
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In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.
In 1944. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Servicemen's Readjustment Act of 1944, more popularly known as the "G.I. Bill of Rights."
In 1945, the World War II battle for Okinawa ended with an Allied victory.
In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.
In 1981, Mark David Chapman pleaded guilty to killing rock star John Lennon.
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Today------------Actor Ralph Waite is 83, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 75, Movie Director John Kirty is 75, Actor Michael Lerner is 70, Broadcast Journalist Brit Hume is 68, Singer Peter Asher is 67, Actor Andrew Rubin is 65, Actor David L. Lander is 64, Singer Howard "Eddie" Kaylan is 64, Singer-musician Todd Fundgren is 63, Actress Meryl Streep is 62, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 62, Singer Alan Osmond is 62 and Actoe Murphy Cross is 61.
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June 22nd is: Stupid Guy Thing Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------------------------------must have been Warph
Two golfers encountered one another in the parking lot of the country club. The first was just arriving to begin his round. The second was throwing his clubs with great disgust into the trunk of his car, preparing to leave.
"Rough day on the course, eh?" said the first.
"That's putting it mildly," said the second.
"Too bad. What did you shoot?"
"Well, I'm afraid I shot a 70."
"Good heavens, man. That's a wonderful round."
"Oh, I didn't play a round. That was my score on the first hole!"
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In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.
In 1938, the Civil Aeronautics Authority was established.
In 1961, the Antarctic Treaty, intended to ensure that the continent would be used only for peaceful purposes, came into force.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman discussed a plan to use the CIA to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. (Revelation of the tape recording of this conversation sparked Nixon's resignation in 1974.
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Today----------Singer Diana Trask is 71, Musical conductor James Levine is 68, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons) is 67, Actor Ted Shackelford is 65, Actor Bryan Brown is 64, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 63 and Actor Jim Metzler is 60.
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June 23rd is: Let It Go Day and Public Service Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------oops or ouch........
The college freshman had been summoned to the teacher's office, where he was being browbeaten severely.
"See here, Smith," said the learned professor. "This last paper of yours was almost impossible to read. You must write in such a way that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it. Do you hear me?"
The student replied, "Very well, sir. Which part didn't you get?"
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In 1948, Communist forces cut off all land and water routes between West Germany and West Berlin, prompting the western allies to organize the Berlin Airlift.
In 1968, "Resurrection City," a shantytown constructed as part of the Poor People's March on Washington, D.C., was closed down by authorities.
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Today-----------Comedian Jack Carter is 88, Actress Michelle Lee is 69, Actor-director Georg Stanford Brown is 68, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 67, Singer Arthur Brown is 67, Rock musician Colin Blunstone (The Zombies) is 66, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 64, Actor Peter Weller is 64, Rock musician John Illsley (Dire Straits) is 62, Actress Nancy Allen is 61 and Actor Al Molinaro is 93.
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June 24th is: Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------from the mouths of, etc.
A gentleman who had lost both his legs was invited to tea. "My dear," the hostess said to her daughter beforehand, "Please be a good girl and say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs. Do you promise?"
The little girl nodded.
It didn't take long, though, once the party had started, for the wide-eyed little miss to blurt out, "Mommy, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs? He hasn't got any!"
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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of Little Big Horn in Montana.
In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.
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Today------------Actress June Lockhart is 86, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Floyd is 74, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 72, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 69, Writer-producer-director Gary David Goldberg is 67, Singer Carly Simon is 66, Rock musician Allen Lanier is 65, Rock musician Ian McDonald is 65, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 64 and TV personality Phyllis George is 62.
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June 25th is: ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (25-26) and Great American Backyard Camp Out Day.
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Larryj
Quote from: larryJ on June 25, 2011, 09:16:02 AM
Today's--------------from the mouths of, etc.
A gentleman who had lost both his legs was invited to tea. "My dear," the hostess said to her daughter beforehand, "Please be a good girl and say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs. Do you promise?"
The little girl nodded.
It didn't take long, though, once the party had started, for the wide-eyed little miss to blurt out, "Mommy, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Wiggam's legs? He hasn't got any!"
LOL.... sounds like my three yr. old grand-daughter to a "T"... from the mouth of babe's.
"out of the mouths of babes."
Today's------------------FUNNY!
A visit to the doctor's office can be a cruel experience for a woman. I can tell you.
I went in for my yearly physical. The doctor started with the basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked me. I said, ""135." She had me stand on the scale. It read 180.
The doctor asked, "And your height?" I said, "5 feet, 4 inches." She checked and said, "You're 5 feet, 2 inches."
She took my blood pressure, frowned, and told me it was very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat."
She put me on Prozac.
The witch.
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In 1870, the first section of Atlantic City, N.J.'s boardwalk was opened to the public.
In 1911, John J. McDermott became the first American-born golf player to win the U.S. Open, played in Chicago. And, track star and golfer Babe Didrikson Zaharias was born in Port Arthur, Texas.
In 1919, the New York Daily News was first published.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he famously declared, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner).
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush went back on his "no-new-taxes" campaign pledge, conceding that tax increases would have to be included in any deficit-reduction package worked out with congressional negotiators.
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Today---------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 89, Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 77, Actor Josef Sommer is 77, Singer Billy Davis, Jr. is 71, Rock singer Georgie Fame is 68, Actor Clive Francis is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 65, Actor Michael Paul Chan is 61 and Actor Robert Davi is 60.
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June 26th is: America's Kids Day, International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture and Log Cabin Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------nothing like a good son-in-law
The father smiled and said yes when his daughter's longtime boyfriend asked for her hand in marriage. The smile didn't last long, however.
"Have you set a date for the wedding?" he asked the young man.
"I will leave that to your daughter," the fellow replied.
"Will you have a church or a private wedding?"
"Your wife can decide that."
"And what will you live on?"
"I leave that entirely to you, sir."
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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.
In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.
In 1977, the Supreme Court struck down state laws and bar association rules that prohibited lawyers from advertising their fees for routine services.
In 1985, the legendary Route 66, which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, passed into history as officials decertified the road.
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Today--------------Business Executive Ross Perot is 81, The former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, retired Army Gen. John Shalikashvili is 75, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt is 73, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 69 and Actress Julia Duffy is 60.
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June 27th is: Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, National HIV Testing Day and Please Take My Children To Work Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah
Fortune teller: "You are about to be discovered by a major motion picture producer who will turn you into a big star. You will buy a mansion on the Malibu cliffs. All of Hollywood's most eligible bachelors will be smitten with you, and will beg for your hand in marriage. You will be on every magazine cover and on all the talk shows. You'll have your own fashion line, and there will be a perfume named after you."
Kathy: "Why, that's exactly the same thing you told my friend, Tina."
Fortune teller, sighing: "I can't help it. You girls won't be satisfied with anything less nowadays.
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In 1778, the Revolutionary War Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey.
In 1836, the fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died in Montpelier.
In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo, the event which sparked the first World War.
In 1919, the Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending the First World War.
In 1939, Pan American Airways began regular trans-Atlantic air service with a flight that departed New York for Marseilles, France.
In 1950, North Korean forces captured Seoul, the capital of South Korea.
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Today------------Blues singer-musician David "Honeyboy" Edwards is 96, Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 85, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 74, CIA director Leon Panetta is 73, Rock musician Dave Knights (Procol Harum) is 66, Actor Bruce Davidson is 65 and Actress Kathy Bates is 63.
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June 28th is: National Columnists Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------Nuts............
A psychiatrist led a group of people into a restaurant and spoke to the manager.
"Sir, I'm leading this group on an outing from the regional mental hospital and I assure you that their conduct will be quite unnoticeable except for one thing. They will insist on paying you in bottle caps. If you'll be so kind as to humor them and accept the bottle caps, I'll take care of the bill later."
The manager agreed. Later, he happily collected all the bottle caps.
As the group departed, the psychiatrist approached the manager and said, "Thank you so much. I'll pay the bill now. Do you have change for a hub cap?
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In 1861, William James Mayo, one of the founders of the Mayo Clinic, was born in Le Sueur, Minnesota. And, English poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 55, died in Florence, Italy.
In 1954, the Atomic Energy Commission voted against reinstating Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer's access to classified information.
In 1966, the United States bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong.
In 1970, the United States ended a two-month military offensive into Cambodia.
In 1988, the Supreme Court upheld the independent counsel law.
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Today----------------Movie producer Robert Evans is 83, Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 71, Actor Gary Busey is 67. Comedian Richard Lewis is 64, Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 63 and Rock drummer Ian Paice is 63.
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June 29th is: Nothing listed
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Larryj
Today's---------------oh, yeahhhh
My friend and I were on a cruise. She was dissatisfied with our cabin and left the room to see if we could be moved. She told me she would call me.
After awhile, the phone rang. I reached for the phone on the wall and said, "Hello?" I said it several times, but there was no response.
A few minutes later it rang again. I answered, but again, there was nobody on the other end.
It happened a third time. I was a little miffed.
Soon my cabin mate returned and asked me why I did not answer the phone. I said, "I did answer. Three times. There was nobody there."
I pointed indignantly at the phone.
My friend looked, laughed and said, "Dear, that's the hair dryer."
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In 1860, the famous Oxford University Museum debate on Darwin's theory of evolution took place as Anglican Bishop Samuel Wilberforce led his side in denouncing the concept, while biologist T.H. Huxley rose to defend it.
In 1921, President Warren G. Harding nominated former President William Howard Taft to be chief justice of the United States, succeeding the late Edward Douglas White.
In 1936, the epic Civil War novel "Gone With The Wind" by Margaret Mitchell was first published by the Macmilllan Company in New York.
In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a vote of 64-20,
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Today------------------Actor Tony Musante is 75, Actress Nancy Dussault is 75, Singer Glenn Shorrock is 67 and Jazz musician Stanley Clarke is 60.
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June 30th is: Leap Second Adjustment Day, National Bomb Pop Day and National Handshake Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------repeat, I think, but still funny
One morning Ralph and Ethel were sitting quietly around the breakfast table. Suddenly Ralph said, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."
Ethel said, "For heaven's sake, why would you want me to do that?"
Ralph said, "I figure you'll remarry sooner or later, and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
Ethel said, "What makes you think I'll marry another jerk?"
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In 1863, the Civil War battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.
In 1943, "pay-as-you-go" income tax withholding began.
In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
In 1961, Diana, the princess of Wales, was born in Sandringham, England.
In 1971, the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18, was ratified.
And, the State of Washington became the first state to ban sex discrimination.
And, the United States Post Office Department was replaced with the United States Postal Service.
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Today--------------Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 80, Actress Jean Marsh is 77, Actor Jamie Farr is 77, Bluesman James Cotton is 76, Actor James Prowse is 76, Cookiemaker Wally Amos is 75, Actress Karen Black is 72, Movie-TV producer-director Michael Pressman is 61, Actor Daryl Anderson is 60, Rock singer Fred Schneider (B-52's) is 60, Pop singer Victor Willis (Village People) is 60 and Singer-actress Deborah Harry is 66.
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July 1st is: Canada Day, International Chicken Wing Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, Zip Code Day and Roswell UFO Day (1-3).
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Larryj
Ohmigawd...Blondie is 66 years old????????? Say it ain't so!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cat, tis so............isn't it amazing how these people seem to age all of a sudden. People you have followed or listened to over a long time. Wait..............I'm as old as they are! :o
I'm reminded of an incident about ten years ago. My wife and I decided to attend a Neil Diamond concert. We had not been to a music concert in years. However, we did want to see this one. Getting out of the car in the parking lot, my wife made the following statement, "Look at how old all these people are that are attending the concert." Then we looked at each other and began to laugh. Another cherished memory for a family laugh-a-long.
Larryj
Today's--------------all the teachers, past and present, will love this one............
Applicant for entry-level teaching position, after extensive interview questions:
"Let's see if I got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, fill their every moment with a love for learning, quell their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse or illness, monitor their dress habits, check them for drugs and weapons, intervene to settle disputes and fights, make sure that they all pass their state exams, whether or not they regularly attend classes and complete their assignments, and make myself available at any time for communication with their parents. And I am to do all this with short supplies and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps? You want me to do all this....................
and you're telling me I can't PRAY?!"
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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states."
In 1881, President James A. Garfield was shot by Charles J. Guiteau at the Washington railroad station; Garfield died the following September. (Guiteau was hanged in June 1882.)
In 1926, the United States Army Air Corps was created.
In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.
In 1961, author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.
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Today-------------Country singer Marvin Rainwater is 86, Former Philippine first lady Imelda Marcos is 82, Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 81, Actor Robert Ito is 80, Actress Polly Holliday is 74, Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 64, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 64, Actor Saul Rubinek is 63 and Musician Roy Bittan is 62.
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July 2nd is: I Forgot Day, International Cherry Seed Spitting Day and International Day of Cooperatives.
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Larryj
That one was one of several we had posted on the teachers room wall.
Today's--------------------hah.............
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.
The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.
The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.
The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"
The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."
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In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army in Cambridge, MA.
In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederates retreated.
In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state in the Union.
In 1898, the U.S. Navy defeated a Spanish fleet in Santiago Bay in Cuba.
In 1986, President Ronald Reagan presided over a gala ceremony in New York harbor that saw the relighting of the renovated Statue of Liberty.
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Today-------------Movie director Ken Russell is 84, Jazz musician Pete Fountain is 81, Singer Fontella Bass is 71, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 68, Country singer Johnny Lee is 65 and Author-columnist Dave Barry is 64.
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July 3rd is: Compliment Your Mirror Day and (appropriately) Stay Out Of The Sun Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------Happy Independence Day!
TOP 5 FOURTH OF JULY JOKES:
"What did one flag say to the other?"
"Nothing. It just waved."
Teacher: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Student: It was too far to walk.
"Do they have a fourth of July in England?"
"Yes, it comes between the 3rd and the 5th."
Teacher: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Student: On the bottom!
Q: What did King George think of the American colonists?
A: He thought they were revolting!
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.
In 1802, the United States Military Academy officially opened at West Point, NY.
In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.
In 1894, the Republic of Hawaii was proclaimed. (Hawaii was annexed by the United States four years later.)
In 1911, pop music conductor Mitch Miller was born in Rochester, NY.
In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
In 1959, America's 49 star flag, honoring Alaska statehood, was officially unfurled.
In 1960, America's 50 star flag, honoring Hawaiian statehood was officially unfurled.
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Today------------Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 93, Actress Eva Marie Saint is 87, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 84, Playwright Neil Simon is 84, Country singer Ray Pillow is 74, Singer Bill Withers is 73, Actor Ed Bernard is 72, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 71, Singer Annette Beard (Martha and the Vandellas) is 68, Rock musician Ralph Johnson (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 60 and Broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera is 68.
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July 4th is: Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day, Indivisible Day and Earth At Aphelion.
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Larryj
Great jokes....perfect for today. Thanks. Why did the excited hot dog keep talking at great length about Independence Day? He was on a roll! (third grade joke ;D)
Today's--------------another whoops...........
Hubby was at work when he got a call from his wife. She was sobbing. "It's my car!" she said, "I flooded the engine!"
Hubby smiled, "Don't worry, honey," he said. "Just let it rest awhile and then try again."
"I don't think that will work."
"Why not?"
"I put it into forward instead of reverse and drove it through the back of the garage and into the swimming pool!"
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In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.
In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Reard, was worn by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.
In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon certified the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18.
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Today----------------Actress Katherine Helmond is 82, Actress Shirley Knight is 75, Singer-musician Robbie Robertson is 68, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Goose Gossage is 60 and Rock singer Huey Lewis is 61.
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July 5th is: Bikini Day
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Larryj
Today's----------------------uh oh or oh no.............
Joe went for his annual checkup and took his wife, June, along. After the exam, the doctor escorted Joe out of his office and asked June to come in.
"Your husband is in bad shape," he told her. "His stress is going to kill him unless something is done. I want you to treat him with kid gloves and cater to his every whim. Do everything you can to keep him in a good mood. Fix him only the foods he likes. Don't argue with him. Don't question him. Don't make him do unpleasant chores. If you do all these things, there's a chance he might live."
On the way home, Joe asked June, "What did the doctor say to you?"
June replied, "He said you're going to die."
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In 1885, French scientist Louis Pasteur tested an anti-rabies vaccine on 9-year-old Joseph Meister, who had been bitten by an infected dog; the boy did not develop rabies.
In 1944, an estimated 168 people died in a fire that broke out during a performance in the main tent of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus in Hartford, Connecticut.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed an executive order establishing the Medal of Freedom.
In 1957, Althea Gibson became the first black tennis player to win a Wimbledon singles title as she defeated fellow American Darlene Hard 6-3, 6-2.
In 1971, jazz trumpeter and singer Louis Armstrong died in New York at age 69.
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Today----------------Actor William Schallert is 89, Singer-actress Della Reese is 80, The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, Tenzin Gyatso is 76, Actor Ned Beatty is 74, Singer Gene Chandler is 71, Country singer Jeannie Seely is 71, Actor Burt Ward is 66, Former President George W. Bush is 65, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 65, Actor Fred Dryer is 65, Actress Shelley Hack is 64, Actress Nathalie Baye is 63, Actress Allyce Beasley is 60, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 60 and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 90.
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July 6th is: International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------- ::)
An American visitor in Europe was bragging at a party. "You know, most of our states are larger than most of your countries," he said. "Why in California, you can board a train at dawn and 24 hours later you will still be in California!"
"How awful," one of his listeners said, archly. "How on earth do you manage? Our trains run much better than that!"
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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.
In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1930, construction began on Boulder Dam (later Hoover Dam).
In 1983, 11-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, left for a visit to the Soviet Union at the personal invitation of Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov.
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Today-------------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 84, Pulitzer Prize winning author David McCullough is 78, Singer-musician Warren Entner (The Grass Roots) is 68, Rock musician Jim Rodford is 66, Actor Joe Spano is 65, Pop singer David Hodo (The Village People) is 64, Country singer Linda Williams is 64, Actress Shelley Duvall is 62, Actress Roz Ryan is 60 and Rock musician Ringo Starr is 71.
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July 7th is: Tell The Truth Day, Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day and Global Forgiveness Day.
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And I saw this recently----------------PRAYER--------When life is hard to stand, kneel.
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Larryj
Today's--------------------------Whoops...........
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are in a maximum security prison in the U.S, about to do 10 years each in solitary for crimes they didn't commit. One of the Guards takes pity on them and says, "Look lads, I can't get you off the hook, but what I can do as a consolation is give each of you a ten year supply of whatever you want. So what will it be?"
The Englishman says, "Well I love a cup of tea, so I'd like 10 years' worth of tea." The guard obliges and leads the Englishman down.
The Scotsman says, "I really like a drink, personally. 10 years' worth of Whiskey would suit me great." The guard gets the Scotsman his whiskey and takes him down to his cell.
The Irishman says, "You know what, I really like a smoke. My wish would be 10 years' worth of cigarettes." His request is granted and he is taken down to do his 10 years.
10 years later the three men are finally released. The Englishman comes out and says to the guard, "Thanks, that supply of tea really helped to get me through. Thanks a lot." Then he leaves.
The Scotsman comes out drunk as a monkey. He walks up to the guard and hugs and thanks him. "Thanks mate, those 10 years went by quick as a flash." He trundles happily off, staggering all over the place.
The Irishman emerges looking terrible. "Have you got a light?", he says.
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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia.
In 1911, cowgirl "Two-Gun Nan" Aspinwall became the first woman to make a solo trip by horse across the United States, arriving in New York 10 months after departing San Francisco.
In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the new permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
In 1991, actor James Franciscus died in North Hollywood at age 57.
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Today------------Singer Jerry Vale is 79, Singer Steve Lawrence is 76, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 67, Ballerina Cynthia Gregory is 65, Actress Kim Darby is 64, Children's performer Raffi is 63 and Actress Angelica Huston is 60.
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July 8th is: Collector Car Appreciation Day and SCUD Day (Save the Comic, Unplug the Drama).
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Larryj
OMG...Kim Darby is 64 years old????? She was the girl in John Wayne's "True Grit"...Wonder how old that'd make the Duke now, had he survived?
Um, 104?
Yowzaa... :o...Didn't realize that much time had passed...Guess times flies while you're busy just surviving it...lol
(Cat, the Duke would have turned 104 this last May.)
Today's--------------really funny............
A paraprosdokian is a two-part quotation in which the second part puts a surprise twist on the first part, often with humorous effect.
Example:
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I wish I could agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
It only takes one careless match to start a forest fire. Yet somehow, it takes a whole book of matches to start a campfire.
You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
Sometimes my mind wanders. Other times it goes away completely.
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.
In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving 16 months of his term.
In 1896, William Jennings Bryan delivered his famous "Cross of gold" speech at the Democratic national convention in Chicago.
In 1918, The Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.
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Today-----------------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 84, Actor James Hampton is 75, Actor Brian Dennehy is 73, Author Dean Koontz is 66, Actor Chris Cooper is 60 and Actor Richard Roundtree is 69.
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July 9th is: Bald In-Bald Out Day, Carver Day, Hop a Park Day and Martyrdom Of The Bab Day.
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Larryj
I like this larry. thanks.
Thanks for the confirmatioin of the Duke's age, Larry...Although, now it's making me feel OLD...Pass the Geritol!! lol
Today's---------------whatever works...........
I have a weight problem and now I know why. It's my shampoo!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs all over me. And I just noticed that the label on the shampoo bottle carries this direct warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
Well, I'm throwing the shampoo away.
I am going to start using dish detergent. I just checked the bottle and the label says, "DISSOLVES HARD-TO-REMOVE FAT AND OTHER SOLIDS."
Problem solved.
Don't bother to call for awhile. I'll be in the shower.
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In 1929, American paper currency was reduced in size as the government began issuing bills that were approximately 25 percent smaller.
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Today---------------Writer-producer Earl Hammer, Jr. is 88, Former New York City Mayor David N. Dinkins is 84, Actor Robert Pine is 70, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Virginia Wade is 66, Actor Ron Glass is 66, Folk singer Arlo Guthrie is 64 and Former boxer Jake Lamotta is 90.
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July 10th is: Clerihew Day, Pina Colada Day, Don't Step On A Bee Day and Teddy Bear Picnic Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------more of them paradr------paraproi----paraprosdokians........
Again, for those who missed the first one of these, a paraprosdokian is a two-part quotation in which the second part puts a surprise twist on the first part, often with humorous effect.
Examples:
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing. After they have tried everything else" -- Winston Churchill
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"If I am reading this correctly, I'd be very surprised." -- Stephen Colbert
"She looks like she has been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when." -- P.G. Wodehouse
"If I could say a few words ..... I'd be a better public speaker." --- Homer Simpson
"I haven't slept for ten days. That would be too long." --- Mitch Hedberg
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In 1798, (Just for Jarhead) the U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a congressional act that also created the Marine Band.
In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.
In 1952, the Republican National Convention meeting in Chicago, nominated Dwight D. Eisenhower for president and Richard M. Nixon for vice president.
In 1979, the abandoned U.S. space station Skylab made a spectacular return to Earth, burning up in the atmosphere and showering debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia.
In 1989, actor and director Laurence Olivier died in Steyning, West Sussex, England at age 82.
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Today----------------Actor Tab Hunter is 80, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 68, Singer Jeff Hanna (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 64, Ventriloquist-actor Jay Johnson is 62, Actor Bruce McGill is 61 and Singer Bonnie Pointer is 61.
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July 11th is: Bowdlers Day, World Population Day and International Town Crier Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------appears to be paraprosdokian week........these are good
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak.
Wars do not determine who is right. They do, however, determine who is left.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
God is watching us. The least we can do is be entertaining.
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.
In 1960, the Etch-A-Sketch Magic Screen drawing toy, invented by French electrician Andre Cassagnes, was first produced by the Ohio Art Company.
In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen Rep. Geraldine Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice-president on a major-party ticket.
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Today-------------Movie director Monte Hellman is 79, Pianist Van Cliburn is 77, Comedian Bill Cosby is 74, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 68, Actress Denise Nichols is 67, Singer-songwriter Butch Hancock is 66, Actor Jay Thomas is 63, Singer Walter Egan is 63, Actress Cheryl Ladd is 60 and Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 63.
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July 12th is: Different Colored Eyes Day and Pecan Pie Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------more of those........ whatever
A bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where is train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
They say 4 out of 5 people suffer from occasional diarrhea. Evidently, 1 out of 5 enjoys it.
You think no one cares if you are alive? Try missing a couple of payments.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said OK, you're ugly too.
I used to be indecisive. Not I am not so sure.
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In 1923, a sign consisting of 50-foot-tall letters spelling out "Hollywoodland" was dedicated in the Hollywood Hills to promote a sub-division. (The last four letters were removed in 1949; the sign itself was replaced in 1978.)
In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the Democratic presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles.
In 1977, a blackout lasting 25 hours hit the New York City area.
In 1985, "Live Aid" an international rock concert in London, Philadelphia, Moscow and Sydney, took place to raise money for Africa''s starving people.
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Today--------------Actor Patrick Stewart is 71, Actor Robert Forster is 70, Actor Harrison Ford is 69, Singer-guitarist Roger McGuinn (The Byrds) is 60, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 63, Actress Didi Conn is 60 and Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 65.
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July 13th is: Embrace Your Geekness Day and Gruntled Workers Day.
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Larryj
...and in 1977,nine months after the blackout, New York had a baby boomlet.
LOL...Gee...A lack of electricity does wonders... :o ;D
It's really true! ;D ;D ;D
Today's-----------------and more..............
I always take life with a grain of salt. Also, a slice of lemon and a double shot of tequila.
I love you so much that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I would have no choice. I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
Have you ever noticed how fast the bus goes when you're running after it? And how slow it goes when you're on it?
They say we learn from our mistakes. So, why do some people have more than one child?
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're still here.
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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Fort Sumner, NM.
In 1966, eight student nurses were murdered by Richard Speck in a Chicago dormitory.
In 1976, Jimmy Carter won the Democratic presidential nomination at the party's convention in New York.
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Today---------------Actor Dale Robertson is 88, Actress Nancy Olson is 83, Actress Polly Bergen is 81, Former football player and actor Rosey Grier is 79, Actor Vincent Pastore is 65, Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 65 and Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 85.
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July 14th is: International Nude Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------some more..............
The hammered dulcimer player put on a good show. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I had been hammered, too.
Try walking a mile in the other guy's shoes. That way, you will have his shoes and a mile head start.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The early bird gets the worm. But it's the second mouse that gets the cheese on the mousetrap.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Imagine a world without war. Then imagine us attacking it because it would be defenseless.
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In 1976, a 36-hour kidnapping ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver who were abducted near Chowchilla, CA., by three gunman and held in an underground cell. (They escaped unharmed.)
In 1996, MSNBC, a 24-hour all-news network, made its debut on cable and the Internet.
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Today--------------Author Clive Cussler is 80, Actor Alex Karras is 76, Actor Ken Kercheval is 76, Actor Patrick Wayne is 72, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Millie Jackson is 67, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 65 and Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 63.
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July 15th is: Gummi Worm Day and Saint Swithin's Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------will these ever end............
My boss asked me how long I was going to be gone on vacation. I said, "the whole time."
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The upstairs neighbors are furious.
I went down to the 24-hour market and the guy was closing up. I said, "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours," and he said, "Yes, but not in a row."
The pen is mightier than the sword. If you're in a duel, though, go for the sword.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Sponges grow in the ocean. Do you realize how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen?
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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the seat of the government; the area became Washington, D.C.
In 1935, the first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City.
In 1945, the United States exploded its first atomic bomb near Alamogordo, NM.
In 1951, "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published.
In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
In 1999, John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife, Caroline, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean.
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Today---------------------Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 77, Soul singer William Bell is 72, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 69, Violinist Pinchas Zukerman is 63 and Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 63.
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July 16th is: Hot Dog Night, National Hot Dog Day, Cow Appreciation Day, Woodie Wagon Day and Toss The "Could Haves" And The "Would Haves" Day.
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------no paraprosdokians............
It was a small town. Everyone knew each other.
A dog ran into the butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. The butcher recognized the dog. It belonged to his neighbor, the lawyer.
He called the lawyer and said, "Hey, if your dog steals a roast from my butcher shop, are you liable for the cost? It was $10."
The lawyer said, "Of course."
Sure enough, a few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $10. He was pleased until he saw the attached letter. It was an invoice for legal consultation fees: $200.
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In 1944, during World War II, 320 men, two-thirds of them African-Americans, were killed when a pair of ammunition ships exploded at the Port Chicago Naval Magazine in California.
In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.
In 1961, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ty Cobb died in Atlanta at age 74.
In 1975, an Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower link-up of its kind.
In 1996, TWA Flight 800, a Europe-bound Boeing 747, exploded and crashed off Long Island, NY, shortly after leaving John F. Kennedy International Airport, killing all 230 people aboard.
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Today--------------Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 86, Actor Donald Sutherland is 76, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 76, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 69, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 62, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 60 and Comedian Phyllis Diller is 94.
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July 17th is: National Ice Cream Day, Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------oops
Tom, Dick and Harry were at a convention. They went to a party downstairs at the hotel. Afterward, they discovered that the elevators were out of order. Their three-room-suite was on the 60th floor.
They made a plan, then started up the stairs. For the first 20 floors, Tom would tell a scary story. For the next 20 floors, Dick would tell a sad story. For the final 20 stories, Harry would tell a funny story.
They were pretty winded by the time Tom finished his story, and they were gasping when Dick finished his story. As they started up the final 20 flights of stairs, they turned to Harry and said, "OK, it's time for the funny story."
Harry said, "Boy, you're really gonna laugh when you hear this one. I left the room keys down in the lobby."
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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the vice president.
In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned.
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Today-----------------Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 90, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 82, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 73, Actor James Brolin is 71, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 71, Singer Martha Reeves is 70, Blues guitarist Lonnie Mack is 70, Actress Margo Martindale is 60 and Former President of South Africa Nelson Mandela is 93.
_________________________________________________________
July 18th is: International Mandela Day, National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day and Global Hug Your Kid Day.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------third grader just for Diane.............
The old soothsayer always walked barefoot, which over the course of many years had produced very thick calluses on his feet. He ate very little, just onions and a little bread and water. He was very thin and frail. And he had bad teeth.
They wrote a song about him. Maybe you remember it:
Wait for it....................................
A Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis. ::)
Larryj
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In 1961, TWA became the first airline to begin showing regularly scheduled in-flight movies as it presented "By Love Possessed", starring Lana Turner, to its first-class passengers.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush joined former presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald R. Ford and Richard M. Nixon at ceremonies dedicating the Nixon Library and Birthplace (since re-designated the Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum) in Yorba Linda, CA.
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Today----------------------Former Sen. George McGovern is 89, Actress Helen Gallagher is 85, Country singer Sue Thompson is 85, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 74, Singer Vikki Carr is 71, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 67, Actor George Dzundza is 66, Rock singer-musician Alan Gorrie (Average White Band) is 65, Rock musician Bernie Leadon is 64, Actress Beverly Archer is 63 and Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 64.
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July 19th is: Flitch Day.
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Larryj
Maybe you should retire on that one, but don't you dare.
Today's------------------Better than yesterdays..................
Three racehorses were bragging in the stable.
The first horse said, "I've been in 38 races, and I've never finished out of the top 3."
The second horse said, "You think that's something? I've been in 30 races, and I've won all but two of them."
The third horse said, "That's nothing. I've been in 20 races and I'm undefeated."
Just then a greyhound walked by, chuckled, and said, "I have you all beat. I've been in 200 races and won every single one of them by at least five lengths."
There was a moment of silence, then the first horse said to the others................
"Wow! A talking dog!"
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In 1917, the draft lottery in World War I went into operation.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for an unprecedented fourth term of office at the Democratic convention in Chicago.
In 1954, the Geneva Accord divided Vietnam into northern and southern entities.
In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after landing their lunar module.
In 1976, America's Viking 1 robot spacecraft made a successful, first-ever landing on Mars.
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Today----------------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 81, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef is 76, Actress Diana Rigg is 73, Rock musician John Lodge (The Moody Blues) is 68, Country singer T.G. Sheppard is 67, Singer Kim Carnes is 66 and Rock musician Carlos Santana is 64.
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July 20th is: National Lollipop Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------eeeeeeeee!
The passengers were all in their seats and watched as two men dressed as pilots approached the aircraft and went into the cockpit. Both men were wearing dark glasses and carrying white canes. The passengers nervously fidgeted waiting for a explanation to an obvious practical joke.
The plane starts down the runway and the passengers start reading, listening to music and using their computers when suddenly the plane veers off to the right and heads for the ocean. Everyone screams and then the plane evens out and proceeds to fly smoothly. The passengers relax and go back to their activities.
In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days they are going to scream too late and we are all gonna die!"
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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, Virginia, resulting in a Confederate victory.
In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tenn., with John T. Scopes convicted of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution. (The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.)
In 1930, President Herbert Hoover signed an executive order establishing the Veteran's Administration (later the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.)
In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin blasted off from the moon aboard the ascent stage of the lunar module for docking with the command module.
In 1980, draft registration began in the United States for 19- and 20-year-old men.
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Today----------------------Singer Kay Starr is 89, Movie director Norman Jewison is 85, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 73, Actress Patricia Elliot is 69, Actor David Downing is 68, Actor Edward Hermann is 68, Actor Leigh Lawson is 66, Actor Wendell Burton is 64, Actor Art Hindle is 63, Cartoonist Gary Trudeau is 63, Actor Robin Williams is 60 and Actor Jamey Sheridan is 60.
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July 21st is: Legal Drinking Age Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------another third grader joke..............
Last week, the doorbell rang so I went to answer it. Standing there was a 6-foot-tall mosquito! He punched me in the stomach, then left.
The next night, the doorbell rang. I answered it and that same 6-foot-tall mosquito was there. He slapped me in the face, kicked me in the shins, then left.
The third night, the doorbell rang. I slowly opened the door and that same mosquito pushed his way in, grabbed me by the neck, threw me across the room, then left.
The next day, I went to the doctor to seek treatment for all my cuts, bruises and sprains. I told him what had happened.
He listened intently, took notes, then nodded and said, "Yes, I've heard there's a nasty bug going around."
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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.
In 1893, Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates visited the summit of Pikes Peak, where she was inspired to write the original version of her poem "America the Beautiful."
In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater, where he had just seen the Clark Gable movie "Manhattan Melodrama."
In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.
In 1991, police in Milwaukee arrested Jeffrey Dahmer, who later confessed to murdering 17 men and boys. (Dahmer ended up being beaten to death by fellow prison inmate.)
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Today-------------Former Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 88, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 83, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 79, Actress Louise Fletcher is 77, Game show host Alex Trebek is 71, Singer George Clinton is 70, Actor-singer Bobby Sherman is 68, Actor Danny Glover is 65, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 64 and Rock singer Don Henley is 64.
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July 22nd is: Rat Catcher's Day, National Penuche Fudge Day and Spooners (Spoonerism) Day.
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Larryj
I liked it!
My third graders would have loved that one. Thanks Larry.
Today's--------------more of them para-------paraprs-------paraprosdokians, sent in by the readers of the paper.
I had amnesia once. Or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
I know money can't make me happy. All I ask for is a chance to prove it.
They told me I was gullible. I believed them.
Being polite and courteous is the first rule of behavior. Rule no. 2: When trying to merge onto the freeway, forget Rule no. 1.
I heard swimming is good for the figure. Then I saw a whale.
It's good to have both your feet planted firmly on the ground. That is, after you have put them in your pants.
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In 1829, William Austin Burt received a patent for his "typographer," a forerunner of the typewriter.
In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, NY, at age 63.
In 1996, at the Atlanta Olympics, Kerri Strug made a heroic final vault despite torn ligaments in her left ankle as the U.S. women gymnasts clinched their first-ever Olympic team gold medal.
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Today--------------Actress Gloria DeHaven is 86, Concert pianist Leon Fleisher is 83, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 75, Radio personality Don Imus is 71, Country singer Tony Joe White is 68, Rock singer David Essex is 64 and Singer-songwriter John Hall is 63.
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July 23rd is: Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For Ya Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------maybe another third, no, definitely a third grader joke.
Genealogical researchers recently have discovered that the great artist Vincent Van Gogh had quite a few interesting relatives.
An automaker: U Gogh
A psychiatrist: E Gogh
A neurologist: Verti Gogh
A banker: Wells Far Gogh
A dancer: Gogh Gogh
A musician: Bong Gogh
A casino worker: Bing Gogh
A retired travel writer: Winnie Bay Gogh
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(That's bad------------I'm sorry.)
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In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.
In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard M. Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.
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Today-------------Actress Jacqueline Brooks is 81, Actor John Aniston is 78, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 76, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 75, Actor Mark Goddard is 75, Actor Chris Sarandon is 69, Comedian Gallagher is 65, Actor Robert Hayes is 64, Actor Michael Richards is 62 and Actress WONDER WOMAN Lynda Carter is 60.
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July 24th is: Cousin's Day, Mormon Pioneer Day, National Drive-thru Day, Tell An Old Joke Day and Parent's Day.
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Larryj
'Today's------------you're gonna love this one..............
They symphony recently performed Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, which is a wonderful piece that has a part near the end in which the bass violins do nothing. So, the bassists snuck offstage, out the back door, and next door to the local pub for a drink.
After gulping down a few stiff ones, one of them checked his watch and said, "Oh no, we only have 30 seconds to get back!"
Another bassist said, "Don't worry, I tied down the last page of the conductor's score with string to give us a bit more time. We'll be fine."
Later, the staggered back into the concert hall and took their places just as the conductor was busily working on the knot in the string so he could finish the symphony.
Someone in the audience asked his companion, "What's going on? Is there a problem?"
His companion said, "This is a critical point.
(GET READY....)
"It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold the rank.
In 1946, the United States detonated an atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific in the first underwater test of the device.
In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, NC., that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.
In 1961, in a televised address on the Berlin Crisis, President John F. Kennedy announced a series of steps aimed at bolstering the military in the face of Soviet demands that Western powers withdraw from the German city's western sector.
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Today--------Actress Barbara Harris is 76 and Rock singer Jim McCarty is 68.
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July 25th is: Merry-Go-Round Day and Thread The Needle Day.
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Larryj
Oh my ;D Do they keep these joke writers locked up and only let them out for food when they come up with these crazy jokes? That's a real hoot! I love any kind of puns and word jokes!
Today's---------------old, still funny.............
A sudden grass fire threatened the home of a wealthy ranch owner. It was more than the rural county fire department could handle, so the volunteer fire department was called.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two parts that the county fire professionals were able to put out with ease.
Afterward, the professionals congratulated the volunteers on their heroic fire fight. The grateful rancher thanked the volunteers for their selfless efforts in saving his home, and he insisted on writing them a donation check for $1.000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department would do with the money.
"Well," the captain answered, "I reckon we'll start by getting the brakes on that fire truck fixed."
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In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first postmaster-general.
In 1847, the western African country of Liberia, founded by freed American slaves, declared its independence.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which created the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense).
In 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy on America's fourth manned mission to the moon.
In 1989, Mark Wellman, a 29-year-old paraplegic, reached the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park after hauling himself up the granite cliff six inches at a time over nine days.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.
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Today------------Actress Marjorie Lord is 93, Singer Brenton Wood is 70, Rock star Mick Jagger is 68, Actress Helen Mirren is 66, Rock musician Roger Taylor (Queen) is 62 and Actress Susan George is 61.
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July 26th is: One Voice Day.
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Larryj
Now Larry, fire fighters hate that one. Volunteer and "professional?" So we vollies are then "unprofessional?'' Not hardly. Its paid and volunteer please! ;)
Disclaimer: I don't write 'em, just repeat 'em. Sorry, Diane. :angel:
Today's-----------------------Yes sir officer, sir.............
A cop stops a car for speeding on the freeway. As he approaches the car from the rear, he notices the back seat is filled with penguins. He tickets the driver for speeding and admonishes him to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the cop spots the same car, speeding along the freeway. He pulls the car over, carefully approaches from the rear, and notices the same carload of penguins.
He challenges the driver. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
The driver says, "I did! We had so much fun that today we're going to Disneyland!"
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In 1789, President George Washington signed a measure establishing the Department of Foreign Affairs, forerunner of the Department of State.
In 1909, during the first official test of the U.S. Army's first airplane, Orville Wright flew himself and a passenger, Lt. Frank Lahm, above Fort Myer, Virginia, for one hour and 12 minutes.
In 1940, Bugs Bunny made his "official" debut in the Warner Bros. animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."
In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee voted 27-11 to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Richard M. Nixon, charging he had personally engaged in a course of conduct designed to obstruct justice in the Watergate case.
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Today--------------TV producer Norman Lear is 89, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 80, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 72, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 63 and Singer Maureen McGovern is 62,
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July 27th is: National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Barbie-in-a-Blender Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.
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Larryj
This is "Barbie in a blender" Day? LOL...Now, who would do that to a defenseless doll? Now, some of these other characters could stand some blender time... :o ;D
Here you go, Cat.
As I stare off the edge of a cliff, I wonder about the sanity of the world before I jump. Today, ladies and gentlemen, is Barbie-In-A-Blender Day. I am not joking, this is for real, it's not a test, get with the program.
This day is in honor of a court case victory in which a photographer beat Mattel. Mattel sued the photographer for publishing nude Barbies in awkward positions and being blenders, mixers, and other kitchen appliances. In a sense, it was a landmark victory for free speech "art." **Sigh**
(Didn't get the name of the author or wesite, but it is not important.)
Larryj
Actually I did take one house plant for a walk....around to the shady side of the house.
Today's-------------stupid, back to the archives.............
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
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In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt announced the end of coffee rationing, which had limited people to one pound of coffee every five weeks since it began in November 1942.
In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building, killing 14 people.
In 1945, the U.S. Senate ratified the United Nations Charter by a vote of 89-2.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000 "almost immediately."
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Today-----------------Movie director Andrew V McLagien is 91, Actor Darryl Hickman is 80, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 66, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 65, Actress Linda Kelsey is 65, TV producer Dick Ebersol is 64, Actress Sally Strothers is 63 and Actress Georgia Engle is 63.
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July 28th is: National Chili Dog Day, Buffalo Soldiers Day and National Milk Chocolate Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------maybe a fourth grader.............
Jim: Good heavens, man! Are you crying?
Joe: You don't understand. My dog is lost.
Jim: Don't worry. He'll come back.
Joe: You don't understand. He's been gone for a month. He's not coming back.
Jim: Don't worry. Someone will find him.
Joe: You don't understand. I've asked everyone in the neighborhood. Nobody has seen him.
Jim: Don't worry. I'll help you put up some "Lost Dog" posters.
Joe: You don't understand. My dog can't read.
(sorry, that is bad, shoulda gone to the archives)
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In 1957, the International Atomic Energy Agency was established.
.....And, Jack Paar made his debut as host of NBC's "Tonight Show."
In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act, creating NASA.
In 1981, Britain's Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer at St. Paul's Cathedral in London. However, the couple divorced in 1996.
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Today-----------------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 97, Actor Robert Fuller is 77, Former Sen. Elizabeth H. Dole is 75 and Marilyn Tucker Quayle, wife of former Vice President Dan Quayle, is 62.
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July 29th is: Lasagna Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day, Lumberjack Day, Rain Day and System Administrator Appreciation Day.
................................And, Larry's 37th wedding anniversary..............thank you very much!
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Larryj
Definitely a third grade joke.The kids would love that one.Thanks!
Today's-------------this one will, most assuredly, get me into trouble, but it was too good to pass up.......
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure making "In God We Trust" the national motto, replacing "E Pluribus Unum" ("Out of many, one").
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.
In 1975, former Teamsters union president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared in suburban Detroit; although presumed dead, his remains were never found.
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Today-------------Actor Richard Johnson is 84, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is 77, Blues musician Buddy Guy is 75, Feminist activist Eleanor Smeal is 72, Singer Paul Anka is 70, Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is 64 and Actor Frank Stallone is 61.
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July 30th is: Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day, Cheesecake Day and Father-in-Law Day.
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Larryj
That is why FEMALES should rule! now if we could just get the rest (males) to listen...........sigh!
Today's---------------getting tired of the third-grade jokes............
Sometimes, teachers and students are not on the same wavelength.
Teacher: "Class, how many of you have had ants in your house? ..... Oh, my goodness! Look at the show of hands! Johnny, tell us, do you like having ants in your house?"
Johnny: "No!"
Teacher: "Why is that?"
Johnny: "They're creepy and they get in all the rooms and poke around and try to eat all the food."
Teacher: "And how does your family deal with the ants?"
Johnny: "Well, we just hope they will go away."
Teacher: "Do you ever put out poison for the ants?"
Johnny: "Oh, no! I don't like them, but I would never try to poison them. I might poison my uncles, though. They're worse."
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In 1777, the Marquis de Lafayette, a 19-year-old French nobleman, was made a major-general in the Continental Army.
In 1961, for the first time in baseball history, an All-Star Game ended in a draw, 1-1, as rain stopped the contest in Fenway Park. (It was the second of two All-Star Games played that season.)
In 1961, IBM introduced its first Selectric typewriter with it's distinctive "typeball".
In 1964, the American space probe, Ranger 7, reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.
In 1971, Apollo 15 crew members David Scott and James Irwin became the first astronauts to use a lunar rover on the surface of the moon.
In 1981, a seven-week-old Major League Baseball strike ended.
In 1991, President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.
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Today----------------Actor Don Murray is 82, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 76, Actress France Nuyen is 72, Singer Lobo is 68, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 67, Singer Gary Lewis is 66, Rock singer Bob Welch is 65, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Evonne Goolagong Cawley is 60 and Actor Barry Van Dyke is 60.
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July 31st is: Hawaiian Flag Day or Ka Hae Hawai'i Day and Feast Day of St. Ignatius of Loyola.
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Larryj
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Coke and ice will ruin your teeth......
WOW -who knew??!!! Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!
Today's-------------appears it is going to be elephant joke week.........remember these?
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: How do you know there have been elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance!" (Jane is color blind.)
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Om 1911, Harriet Quimby became the first woman to receive a U.S. pilot's certificate from the Aero Club of America. (Her accomplishments included being the first woman to fly across the English Channel; (she was killed in an accident in July 1912 at age 37.)
In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people. Whitman was gunned down by police.
In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.
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Today---------Cartoonist Tom Wilson (retired creator of "Ziggy") is 80, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 69 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Roy Williams is 61.
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August 1st is: Girlfriends Day, Lughnasa, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Ramadan (1-29), Respect For Parents Day, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day and World Wide Web Day.
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Larryj
In my quest to learn something new every day, besides cutting the ice from my gin and tonic, I looked up Lughnasa. I found that the correct spelling is Lughnasadh. It is a pagan day of celebration in Ireland to acknowledge the ripening fields and the harvest of those grains, etc. (You know, my dentist was always on my case about chewing ice. Thanks, Ms. Bear.) Hmmm........Gin and ice will ruin your brain.............what about just the gin? Oh yeah, it was the ice. Got it.
Larryj
If you start elephant jokes it could go on for years! ;D
Where do you find elephants?
Depends on where you lost them.
I wasn't sure where to put this.....but I think this is the place. If not don't read it. LOL
I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left.
By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:
"A wise man's heart is at his right hand,
But a fool's heart at his left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NKJV)
[NKJV Study Bible note: In ancient thought, the right hand was the place of honor and favor, while the left hand was the reverse.]
Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen
Today's-------------don't know if I can handle elephant jokes for a whole week............
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
A: The ceiling is very close.
Q: How do get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side and hide him in your lunch box.
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
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In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall, who was later hanged. (Legend holds that Hickok died holding a pair of aces and a pair of eights, now known in poker parlance as "The Dead Man's Hand.")
In 1921, a jury in Chcago acquitted several former members of the Chicago White Sox baseball team and two others of conspiring to defraud the public in the notorious "Black Sox" scandal.
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Today---------------------Former Sen. Paul Laxalt, R-Nev, is 89, Actor Peter O'Toole is 79, Rock Musician Garth Hudson (The Band) is 74, Movie director Wes Craven is 72, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 68 and Actor Max Wright is 68.
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August 2nd is: National Night Out.
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Larryj
How can you make a sick elephant feel better?
Send it a get wellephant card.
Today's------------------more ::)
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Put it in a glass, add root beer and top with vanilla ice cream.
Q: What does it mean when you see a bunch of elephants wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you stop elephants from charging?
A: Take away their credit cards.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Plenty of room.
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In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice. (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second, similar episode.
In 1966, comedian Lenny Bruce, 40, was found dead in his Los Angeles home.
In 1981, U.S. air-traffic controllers went on strike despite a warning from President Ronald Reagan that they would be fired, which they were.
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Today-------------Author P.D. James is 91, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Marv Levy is 86, Singer Tony Bennett is 85, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 70, Movie director John Landis is 61, Actor Jay North ("Dennis, the menace") is 60, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 60 and Actor Martin Sheen is 71.
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August 3rd is; Watermelon Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------still more.......
Q: What's gray and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: Why are elephant feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the cinema?
A: You miss most of the movie.
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In 1892, Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their home in Fall River, Mass. Lizzie Borden, Andrew's daughter from a previous marriage, was accused of the killings but acquitted at trial.
In 1936, Jesse Owens of the U.S. won the second of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he prevailed in the long jump over German Luz Long, who was the first to congratulate him.
In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam. (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)
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Today--------------Journalist Helen Thomas is 91, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 67 and Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 62.
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August 4th is: National Underwear Day, Coast Guard Day and National Chocolate Chip Day.
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Larryj
Can elephants jump higher than a lamp post?
Of course, lamp posts can't jump at all. Actually neither can elephants. ;)
How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Paint his toenails red
Doc, You and them elephant jokes---you need to take two Darvons--wash them down with a hot beer---then call me in the morning ;D
no disrespect to larryj. just have a different hidin' place for my elephant that's gotten a manicure
What's big and gray and wears a mask?
Elephantom of the Opera.
Today's------------------more...............sheeeeesh.............
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't! You get down from a goose.
Q: Why don't elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.
Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3,000 miles.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia.
Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.
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In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the 200-meter dash at the Berlin Olympics, collecting the third of his four gold medals.
In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead at her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.
In 1963, the United States, Britain and the Soviet Union signed a treaty in Moscow banning nuclear tests in the atmosphere, in space and underwater.
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Today-------------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 81, Actor John Saxon is 75, College football Hall-of-Famer Roman Gabriel is 71, Actress Loni Anderson is 66 and Actress Holly Palance is 61.
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August 5th is: International Beer Day and Braham Pie Day.
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Larryj
Today is really international beer day? What an AWESOME holiday!!!! I'm going to participate with my international brothers and sisters, in a day of rejoicing. HAPPY INTERNATIONAL BEER DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's-------------(Quote from the paper) Elephant joke week is almost over. This is the last day. The elephants are crying. We all are. :'(
Q: What's the proper thing to do if you find a green elephant?
A: Wait until it gets ripe.
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So they can hide up-side-down in the custard, of course.
Q: What goes clomp, clomp, clomp squish?
A: An elephant with a wet sneaker.
Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep the elephants away.
Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it's working!
Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.
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In 1911, Lucille Ball, actress-comedian, was born in Jamestown, NY.
In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in 140,000 deaths.
In 1991, the World Wide Web made its public debut as a means of accessing web pages over the Internet.
Also, TV newsman Harry Reasoner died in Norwalk, Conn., at age 68.
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Today-------------Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 74, Actor Dorian Harewood is 61 and Actress Catherine Hicks is 60.
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August 6th is: Hiroshima Day, National Mustard Day and National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day.
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Larryj
What's big and gray with horns?
An elephant band.
Two elephants were standing under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?
It wasn't raining.
Today's-------------uh huh....................
Aristocrat: Who's at the door, Jeeves?
Manservant: It's a fellow who claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.
Aristocrat: The man's a fool.
Manservant: That may be a mere coincidence.
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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize the merit in enlisted men and non-commissioned officers.
In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields and McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.
In 1942, U.S. and allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II.
In 1959, the United States launched the Explorer 6 satellite, which sent back images of Earth.
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Today--------------Writer-producer Stan Freburg is 85, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herb Reed (The Platters) is 83, Magician, author and lecturer James Randi is 83, Former baseball pitcher Don Larsen is 82, Bluesman Magic Slim is 74, Actress Verna Bloom is 72, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 69, Singer B.J. Thomas is 69, Singer Lana Cantrell is 68, Actor John Glover is 67 and Actor David Rasche is 67.
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August 7th is: National Kids' Day, Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day, Professional Speakers Day, Sister's Day and Purple Heart Day.
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Larryj
Today's...........sounds familiar......
Susie was by her husband's side when he regained consciousness in the hospital. He was in a full body cast.
"Thank Heavens!" she cried. "How are you feeling, darling? You were in a horrible accident!"
He looked around the room, moving only his eyes. Then he looked at her, for a long time. A tear spilled down his cheek.
"Sweetheart," he said with a hoarse voice, "You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stood by my side. You were there for me when my own business failed, and when we lost the house, and when my dog ran away, and when I was so sick that time. And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she said, smiling and leaning forward.
He closed his eyes, then opened them again. He said, "I think you're bad luck."
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In 1911, President William Howard Taft signed a measure raising the number of members in the U.S. House of Representatives from 391 to 433, effective with the next Congress, with a proviso to add two more members when New Mexico and Arizona became states.
(The number of House seats has remained at 435 ever since, except for a temporary increase to 437 after Alaska and Hawaii were admitted to the Union.)
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Today--------------Actress Esther Williams is 90, Joan Mondale, wife of former Vice President Walter F. Mondale, is 81, Singer Mel Tillis is 79, Actress Connie Stevens is 73, Actor Larry Wilcox is 64, Actor Keith Carradine is 62 and Actor Dustin Hoffman is 74.
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August 9th is: Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night, The Day To Create, Happiness Happens Day and Odie Day (Garfield's pal).
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, still funny..............
A man walks into a bar, says he just moved to town, and orders three mugs of beer. He drinks one, the other, then the other.
Next day, he does the same thing. In fact, he comes in every day and repeats the ritual. Everyone notices. One day, the bartender says, "You know, beer goes flat pretty fast. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, who live in different states. We promised each other, when we went our separate ways, that we'd drink this way to honor the good old days when we were together."
The bartender smiles and says, "I understand."
Months go by. The man comes in every day and drinks three beers, one at a time. Then one day he orders just two. The bartender is shocked. Everyone is shocked. The bar falls silent.
The bartender says, "Listen, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I'm sorry for your loss."
The man laughs, and says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. It's just that I've decided, for health reasons, to quit drinking. Doesn't affect my brothers, though.
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In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.
In 1995, Jerry Garcia, lead singer of the Grateful Dead, died in Forest Knolls of a heart attack at age 53.
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Today-------------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 83, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 68, Actor Sam Elliott is 67 and Singer Barbara Mason is 64.
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August 9th is: Tish B'av, International Day of the World's Indigenous People and Veep Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------
ROMANTIC THINGS OLD PEOPLE SAY TO EACH OTHER:
"Snookums, your hearing aid is right here on the nightstand. Snookums? SNOOKUMS!"
"Ouch! I'm afraid you left your knitting needles on the sofa again, Lamby Pie."
"Honey Bunny! You're back! So, the neighbor finally shut up about her operations?"
"I don't know which button to push, Sugar Bunch." "Try "Enter" or "Return". Or, better yet, wait for the grandkids to come over, and ask them."
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In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of Charles Manson's cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.
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Today------------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 88, Singer Ronnie Spector is 68, Actor James Reynolds is 65, Rock musician-singer Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 64 and Actor Director Tom Laughlin ("Billy Jack") is 80.
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August 10th is: Perigen Tides Day, National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, S'mores Day and Smithsonian Day.
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Larryj
Ah, Larry, my friend - you also missed National Lazy Day - today! :D
Sorry, Mom, I was just too.....................well, you probably know.
Larryj
Today's--------------gotta keep your priorities straight................
A group of good old boys went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, dragging an eight-point buck on a makeshift litter.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry broke his leg real bad. He's bleeding and weak. He's a couple miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry lyin' out there and dragged this deer back?"
"I know. It was a tough call, sure enough. But, then I figured no one's gonna steal Henry."
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In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island (a former military prison) in San Francisco Bay.
In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.
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Today---------------Actress Arlene Dahl is 83 and Computer scientist and Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak is 61.
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August 11th is: Ingersoll Day and President's Joke Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------busted..............
Hubby calls home on Friday afternoon. "Hi, honey," he says to his wife. "The boss invited me on a weekend fishing trip. We're leaving right after work. Can you get out my tackle box and also pack a small suitcase? I'll swing by and grab them on my way out."
Wife: "Well, OK."
Hubby: "Oh, and be sure and pack my new silk pajamas."
Wife: "You need silk pajamas on a fishing trip?"
Hubby: "Well, I have to break them in sometime."
She packed his things. He picks them up, and off he went. Three days later he returned.
Wife: "How did it go?"
Hubby: "Great! We fished like crazy. We caught wall-eyes, bass, a few pike. The whole weekend was fantastic. But you forgot to pack my silk pajamas."
Wife: "No, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
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In 1985, the world's worst single-aircraft disaster occurred as a crippled Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 on a domestic flight crashed into a mountain, killing 520 people. (Four people survived.)
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Today---------------Actor George Hamilton is 72, Actress Dana Ivey is 70, Actress Jennifer Warren is 70, Rock singer Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 62, Singer Kid Creole is 61 and All Around Nice Guy and Fellow Forum Member, ME, is 68! Oh yeah, Granddaughter #2 is 3.
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August 12th is: Vinyl Record Day, International Youth Day, Kool-Aid Day (12-14), and Sewing Machine Day.
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Larryj
Hey! Happy Birthday Mr. all around nice guy. You are a special friend. Give your granddaughter a birthday hug from us.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BE AT THE BEACH FROM NOW UNTIL NEXT SATURDAY. THE LAST TIME I WENT I WAS ABLE TO KEEP GOING ON THIS COLUMN. HOWEVER, AS WE ARE TAKING TWO GRANDDAUGHTERS WITH US THIS TIME, I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH THIS THREAD. I WILL TRY MY DARNDEST THOUGH. I WOULDN'T WANT TO LET YOU DOWN!
Today's----------A Sunday joke on a Saturday...........
A young man and a priest are playing golf. On the tee of a short three-par hole, the priest asks, "What are you going to use here, my son?"
The young man says, "An eight-iron, Father. How about you?"
The priest thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his seven-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, " I don't know about you, Father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."
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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.
In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died at age 90.
In 1981, in a ceremony at his California ranch, President Ronald Reagan signed a historic package of tax and budget reductions.
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Today-------------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 85, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 64, Opera singer Kathleen Battle is 63, High wire aerialist Phillippe Petit is 62 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Clarke is 62.
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August 13th is: International Left-Hander's Day and National Garage Sale Day.
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Larryj
I'M BAAAAACK! 8)
Today's------------------good one............
A six-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The older one says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
His younger brother nods in approval.
The six-year-old says, "OK, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with heck in it, and you say something with fanny in it."
The four-year-old agrees.
The boys proceed to the kitchen and sit down at the table. Mom asks them what they want for breakfast.
The older boy says, "Heck, just give me some Cheerios."
WHACK! Mom smacks him good. He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out.
Mom looks at the four-year-old and asks sternly, "What do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
Wide-eyed, the boy says, "I don't know, but you can bet your fanny it won't be Cheerios!"
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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.
In 1920, pioneering American radio station BMK in Detroit (later WWJ) began daily broadcasting.
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Today---------U.S. Special Envoy George Mitchell is 78, Broadcast Journalist Connie Chung is 65 and Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 63.
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August 20th is: International Homeless Animals Day, (World) Daffodil Day and Sandcastle and Sculpture Day. (No, thanks, I have had enough of sand castles for awhile!)\
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Larryj
Today's------------ouch..............
A frog called the Psychic Hot Line.
The psychic asked him a few questions, then said, "You will meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
"Wow," the frog said, "When is this going to happen?"
The psychic said, "Next semester in her biology class."
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In 1961, country singer Patsy Cline recorded the Willie Nelson song "Crazy" in Nashville for Decca Records.
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Today-------------Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 79, Playwright Mart Crowley (The Boys in the Band) is 76, Singer Kenny Rogers is 73, Actor Clarence Williams III is 72, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Willie Lanier is 66, Actress Patty McCormack is 66, Actress Loretta Devine is 62 and NBC newsman Harry Smith is 60.
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August 21st is: Earth Overshoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizens Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------hah...........
A man and a little boy walk into the barbershop. The man says, "We're both here for haircuts. The boy is nervous so I'll go first."
After the man receives the full treatment -- shampoo, shave and a haircut -- he places the boy in the chair, then excuses himself.
"I have to run out and buy a tie. I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut is completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber says, "Looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That's not my daddy," the boy says. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, boy, we're gonna get us some free haircuts!'"
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In 1851, the schooner America out-raced more than a dozen British vessels off the English coast to win a trophy that became to be known as the America's Cup.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Vice President Richard M. Nixon were nominated for second terms in office by the Republican national convention in San Francisco.
In 1986, Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of the late Karen Silkwood $1.38 million, settling a 10-year-old nuclear contamination lawsuit.
In 1989, Black Panthers co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland. (Gunman Tyrone Robinson was later sentenced to 32 years to life in prison.)
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Today------------Author Ray Bradbury is 91, Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carl Yastrzemski is 72, Football coach Bill Parcells is 70, CBS newsman Steve Kroft is 66, Actress Cindy Williams is 64 and Actress Valerie Harper is 72.
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August 22nd is: Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Be An Angel Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------whoops.........
The new boss planned to run a tight ship and he wanted everyone to know it. "Listen up, folks," he said. "Starting today, there's a new zero tolerance policy against slackers. If you're working hard, it won't affect you. If you're hardly working, you'll be gone. Who understands me? Let's see a show of hands."
Everyone raised their hands except a guy near the door who was slouching against the wall. The boss decided to make an example of him. He marched over and said, "Son, how much do you make a week?"
The young man didn't flinch. He said, "$400."
The boss pulled out a money clip, peeled off four hundred-dollar bills, handed them over and said, "Here's a week's pay. Get out. Don't come back."
The young man shrugged, took the money and walked out.
Satisfied that he had made his point, the boss turned to the others and said, "Does anyone want to tell me what that fellow did around here?"
After a long pause, a voice in back said, "He delivered pizzas."
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In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.
In 1960, Broadway librettist Oscar Hammerstein, 65, died in Doylestown, PA.
In 1989, in a case that inflamed racial tensions in New York, Yusef Hawkins, a 16-year-old black youth, was shot dead after he and his friends were confronted by a group of white youths in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn.
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Today-----------Actor Richard Sanders is 71, Ballet dancer Patricia McBride is 69, Singer Linda Thompson is 64, Actress Shelley Long is 62, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 62, Queen Noor of Jordan is 60 and Actress Barbara Eden is 77.
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August 23rd is: Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & It's Abolition and Valentino Day.
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Larryj
gonna be one of those days............I typed this once and lost the Internet connection....and lost what I typed >:(
Today's-------------a third grader for sure.............
Olaf and Sven spent most of the Swedish winter holed up in their cabin. No one saw them for three months. One day they burst out their front door and ran into the village, whooping and hollering.
"What happened?" cried one of the villages as a crowd gathered.
"Look!" Olaf shouted. "We pieced together this jigsaw puzzle and it took only three months!"
Sven added excitedly, "It has to be a world record!"
The villager inspected the puzzle, doubtfully, then said, "Well, it doesn't look that difficult."
"Are you kidding?" Olaf said. "The box says, '5 YEARS AND UP!'"
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In 79 A.D., long dormant Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash; an estimated 20,000 people died.
In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced in New York to 20 years to life in prison for the murder of John Lennon.
In 1992, Hurricane Andrew smashed into Florida causing $30 billion in damage; 43 U.S. deaths were blamed on the storm.
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Today-------------Actor Kenny Baker ("Star Wars") is 77 and Actress Anne Archer is 64.
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August 24th is: Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day (see above) and National Waffle Day.
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Larryj
BOOOOO! ;D
This just in: Scientists out of the national earthquake center have deternined there was no earthquake, I repeat, there was no earthquake, It was discovered that the actual cause of the ground moving was the Founding Fathers simultaneously turning over in their graves. The whitehouse is taking credit.
Our Goverment At Work: Senate Convened For 22 Seconds After D.C. Earthquake
by Josh Feldman | 11:37 am, August 24th, 2011
Yesterday's insane earthquake was an atypical event for East Coasters, and in response, a constitutionally-required session of the Senate was called. For about 22 seconds.
Yes, that's right. According to the New York Post, Sen. Chris Coons ran a special session in a conference room near Union Station. Nothing was discussed during the meeting, it was merely a formality, and ended after 22 seconds.
While such a concept might seem silly, the session was technically required by the Constitution because Congress hasn't formally recessed yet, and so cannot go three full days without convening. There has been no official word yet, but the rumor is this was the most productive session of Congress in three years.
Best Headline Ever? 'Bull Semen Forces Closure Of Interstate Ramp'
Ah, you got to love when a story is so ridiculous that reporters get flustered on live TV. That appears to be the case when Nashville's WKRN reported on the odd situation that morning on Interstate 65 South. Some strange canisters had fallen off a Greyhoud bus, spilled, and caused an "unpleasant odor." During the report, you can hear the immense inner turmoil going on in the voice of poor Jerry Barlar as he labors under the decision of how to describe the containers' contents on television. He finally settles on "some stuff for...medical...for livestock. Let's just leave it at that."
The WKRN news team was less tactful, headlining their piece: "Bull Semen Forces Closure Of Interstate Ramp."
This, of course, brings us to the best game of Would You Rather? ever:
Which would you rather clean up on a highway, a ton of spilled bull semen or 14 million bees?
This Exists: U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Ordered Not To Fart Audibly
In order for the nation-building operation in Afghanistan to be successful, most of those involved in the operation can agree that American soldiers on the ground need to express the maximum possible respect for the people and culture of the land, as Taliban sympathizers argue the U.S. forces are occupying without being welcome. This seems to be a bit of a stretch of that philosophy, however: Marines there have been told not to "fart audibly" in front of Afghans.
The Military Times reports that this order was reported recently, as some Afghans had expressed dismay at being exposed to such behavior:
So here's the news: audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange because it offends the Afghans.
I know there are many things in the Afghan culture that don't seem normal to Americans and it's hard to spend seven months working in someone else's back yard. Still, the Marines I saw downrange are doing a pretty good job at trying to do the right thing around the Afghans.
They're not supposed to cuss because it could be misunderstood (that one goes out the window a lot). And they stay away from talking about politics, religion or girls because those topics could escalate into major disagreements (they can't communicate anyway because of the language barrier).
But farting? That's practically a sport. Ok, it's not soccer, but a good contest could open the door for cross-cultural exchanges, jokes and other gallows humor.
While the Times seem to put emphasis on the fact that it seems like some sort of extreme limitation of the Marines' freedom to ask them to stop farting, for this civilian the more interesting part of this discussion is the claim that it "offends the Afghans." Does it somehow not offend Americans? Obviously there is a difference between civilian and military culture, but it's a bit hard to imagine that American civilians would react any more positively to foreign troops entering their country and farting loudly all over the place. And then there's the timing– did it take a decade of war and rebuilding for the American military to figure this one out, or is it just the new crews going into the country that have made this a problem? As the report doesn't elaborate, we'll have to leave the answers to this questions to the imagination.
Today's------------go figure............
Sign in a repair shop: We can fix anything! (Knock hard..............doorbell out of order.)
Sign at a laundromat: Automatic washing machines! Please remove your clothing when light goes out.
Sign in an office break room: Whoever takes last cup of coffee must empty coffee pot and stand upside down on draining board.
Sign at a thrift shop: We exchange anything and everything. Bring the spouse along and get a great bargain.
Sign outside a health food store: Closed due to illness.
Sign on restroom door: Toilet out of order. Use floor below.
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In 1718, hundreds of French colonists arrived in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.
In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.
In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure providing pensions for former U.S. presidents and their widows.
In 1981, the U.S. spacecraft Voyager 2 came within 63,000 miles of Saturn's cloud cover, sending back pictures of and data about the ringed planet.
In 2009, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, MA.
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Today---------Game Show host Monty Hall is 90, Actor Page Johnson is 81, Talk show host Regis Philbin is 80, Actor Tom Skerritt is 78, Jazz musician Wayne Shorter is 78, Author Frederick Forsyth is 73, Movie director John Badham is 72, Filmmaker Marshall Brickman is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer Walter Williams (The O'Jays) is 69, Actor Anthony Heald is 67, Rock Musician Danny Smythe is 63, Rock singer-actor Gene Simmons is 62, Actor John Savage is 62, Rock singer Rob Halford is 60 and Actor Sean Connery is 81.
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August 25th is: Kiss and Make Up Day and National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------yes, sir, got it, sir!
The newspaper editor lectured the rookie reporter on the subject of libel.
He said, "Be sure of what you write. If you can't prove it, use words like alleged, reputed or charged. Do you understand?" The reporter nodded dutifully.
The following item appeared in the next day's newspaper.
"It has been claimed that a bridge luncheon was given by a group of individuals who are reputed to be ladies. It is alleged that Mrs. Hortense Bolinsky served as hostess. She claims to be the wife of Hubert Bolinsky."
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In 1910, Thomas Edison demonstrated for reporters an improved version of his Kinetophone, a device for showing a movie with synchronized sound.
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.
In 1958, Alaskans went to the polls to overwhelmingly vote in favor of statehood.
In 1961, the original Hockey Hall of Fame was opened in Toronto.
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Today-----Actress Francine York is 75, Singer Vic Dana is 69, Rhythm-and-blues singer Valerie Simpson is 65 and Pop singer Bob Cowsill is 62.
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August 26th is: National Cherry Popsicle Day, National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------old, still funny......
An old guy and a young man collide with their shopping carts at Wal-Mart.
"I'm so sorry," the old guy says. "I'm looking for my wife and I guess I was distracted."
The young guy says, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't seem to find here anywhere."
The old guy says, "Welll, maybe we can help each other out. What does your wife look like? I'll keep my eyes open."
The young guy says, "She's tall, with red hair and blue eyes. Nice figure. Long legs. She's wearing short shorts. So, what does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Who cares? Let's look for yours!"
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In 1908, Lyndon Baines Johnson, the 36th president of the United States, was born near Stonewall, Texas.
In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in Dec. 1962.
In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida -- a Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.
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Today------Cajun-country singer Jimmy C. Newman is 84, Author Antonia Fraser is 79, Actor Tommy Sands is 74, Musician Daryl Dragon is 69, Actress Tuesday Weld is 68, Rock singer-musician Tim Boger is 67, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 66 and Country musician Jeff Cook is 62.
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August 27th is: Global Forgiveness Day, The Duchess Who Wasn't Day and Petroleum Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------it's Sunday........and uh oh..........
A man and his preacher meet at the store. They chat and the preacher says, "Say, how's that marriage counseling working out?"
The man says, "Good. My wife and I go out on dinner dates twice a week now."
The preacher says, "Great!"
The man says, "Yes, she goes out on Tuesdays and I go out on Fridays."
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In 1609, English sea explorer Henry Hudson and his ship, the Half Moon, reached present-day Delaware Bay. (no huricane that time and contrary to popular belief, that wasn't Diane waving from the shoreline.) :laugh:
In 1861, Union forces attacked two Confederate forts on the North Carolina OUter Banks. (The Confederates surrendered the next day, giving the Union its first notable victory of the Civil War.)
In 1963, the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom took place in the nation's capital. More than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial.
In 1968, police and anti-war demostrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic national convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
In 1990, an F5 tornado struck the Chicago area, killing 29 people.
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Today--------------Actor Ben Gazzara is 81, Actor Sonny Shroyer is 76, Actor Ken Jenkins is 71, Former Defense Secretary William S. Cohen is 71, Actor David Soul is 68, MLB manager Lou Piniella is 68, Actress Barbara Bach (Daisy Mae) is 65 (!), Actress Debra Mooney is 64 and Singer Wayne Osmond is 60.
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August 28th is: Crackers Over the Keyboard Day, Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day and Radio Commericials Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------I really, really sincerely apologize for this one in advance.............
The mouse and his buddy the elephant are having drinks in a bar. A beautiful giraffe walks in. The mouse says, "I think I'm in love." The elephant says, "I know her. I'll introduce you."
The mouse and the giraffe hit it off and they go on a date. The next day the mouse staggers into the bar and collapses into his chair. The elephant says, "How did it go, little buddy?"
The mouse says, "It was the best date ever, but the necking almost killed me."
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In 1944, 15,000 American troops marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.
In 1966, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public concert at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, La., bringing floods that devastated New Orleans. More than 1,800 people in the region died.
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Today------------Actor-director Lord Richard Attenborough is 88, Movie director William Friedkin is 76, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is 75, Actor Elliott Gould is 73, Movie-director Joel Schumacher is 72, TV personality Robin Leach is 70, Actor G.W. Bailey is 67 and Actor Ray Wise is 64.
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August 29th is: According To Hoyle Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and More Herbs, Less Salt Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------sometimes they can be cute.............
Police officer Briggs pulled into the school parking lot. His canine partner, Jake, barked loudly in the back seat. The officer and his dog had arrived to give a presentation in one of the classrooms.
As Officer Briggs got out of the squad car, he noticed that a little boy had approached. Officer Briggs said hello.
The boy said hello in return, then pointed toward the back seat. He said, "Is that a dog back there?"
Officer Briggs said, "Yes, it is."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Wow, what did he do?"
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In 1861, Union Gen. John C. Fremont instituted martial law in Missouri and declared slaves there to be free. (However, Fremont's emancipation order was countermanded by President Abraham Lincoln.)
In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders. (The Tigers won, 5-3.)
In 1963, the "Hot Line" communications link between Washington and Moscow went into operation.
In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1983, Guion S. Bluford, Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.
In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayed and their driver, Henri Paul. (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)
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Today------------------Country singer Kitty Wells is 92, Opera singer Regina Resnik is 89, Actor Bill Daily is 84, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 72, Actor Ben Jones is 70, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 68, Actress Peggy Lipton is 64, Comedian Lewis Black is 63 and Actor Timothy Bottoms is 60.
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August 30th is: National Holistic Pet Day, National Toasted Marshmellow Day and Eid-Al Fitr Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------hah...........
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in the retirement community. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman works up her courage and asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
The man replies, "I used to live here, but I was away for several years."
"Oh. Where did you go?"
"I was in prison."
"Oh. What did you do?"
"I killed my wife."
"Oh. So you're single?"
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In 1886, at 9:51 p.m., an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, S.C., killing at least 60 people, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an act prohibiting the export of U.S. arms to belligerents.
In 1969, boxer Rocky Marciano died in a plane crash in Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.
In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided over Cerritos, CA. (Note: On that day, my family and I were headed south on the 605 freeway to spend the day in Huntington Beach with my brother-in-law. As we passed through Cerritos, I could see a plume of smoke a few miles to the east of me. It wasn't until we got to his house that we learned what had happened.)
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Today-------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 76, Actor Warren Berlinger is 74, Rock Musician Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 72, Actor Jack Thompson is 71, Violinist Itzhak Perlman is 66, Singer Van Morrison is 66 and Actor Richard Gere is 62.
(Trivial notes on Jerry Allison: In the late fifties, Buddy Holly and the Crickets were going nowhere. Holly began writing songs like crazy, many of those never recorded. Typical of his romantic fare was song that began as "Cindy Lou" but was changed to "Peggy Sue" at new Cricket Jerry Allison's suggestion. ("Peggy Sue" was the future Mrs. Allison; they've since divorced.) After Holly's death in a plane crash, Allison continued to perform with the Crickets.)
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August 31st is: Love Litigating Lawyers Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------another hah.........
The old man needed heart surgery, and he insisted that it be performed by his son, an acclaimed heart surgeon. The big day came. The old man was on the operating table, awaiting anesthesia. His son walked in, scrubbed and ready to go.
Dad: "Hello, son. How are you feeling this morning?"
Son: "A little nervous, Dad."
The old man smiled. "Just do your best," he said. "Your mother and I aren't worried. If something goes wrong, she'll come live with you and your family."
The operation was a success.
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In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
In 1972, American Bobby Fischer won the international chess crown in Reykjavik, Iceland, as Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union resigned before the resumption of game 21.
In 1995, a ribbon-cutting ceremony was held for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland. (The hall opened to the public the next day.)
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Today-------------Former Defense Secretary Melvin R. Laird is 89, Actor George Maharis is 83, Conductor Seiji Ozawa is 76, Attorney and law professor Alan Dershowitz is 73, Comedian-actress Lily Tomlin is 72, Actor Don Stroud is 68, Conductor Leonard Slatkin is 67, Singer Archie Bell is 67, Singer Barry Gibb is 65, Rock musician Greg Errico is 63 and TV talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 61.
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September 1st is: Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day, Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.
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Larryj
I guess that could be called major insurance....
Today's............one of those "be careful what you wish for" things.......
Hubby was complaining to his wife, "You know, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a junk car and an empty bank account, but I got to hang out every day and night with a beautiful young woman. Today we have a million-dollar mansion, three luxury cars and money in the bank, but I have to hang out with a wrinkled 63-year-old lady. It's not fair."
His wife said, "No problem. You can have it all again. Start hanging out with a beautiful young woman, and you'll have the cheap apartment, the junk car and the empty bank account, too."
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In 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.
In 1945, Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam an independent republic. (Ho died on this date in 1969.)
In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at UCLA passed test data through a 15-foot cable.
In 1986, a judge in Los Angeles sentenced Cathy Evelyn Smith to three years in prison for involuntary manslaughter for her role in the 1982 drug overdose death of comedian John Belushi. (Smith served 18 months.)
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Today-----------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 92, Jazz musician Horace Silver is 83, Former United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sam Gooden (The Impressions) is 72, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 63, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 63 and Actor Mark Harmon is 60.
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September 2nd is: Bison-ten Yell Day, V-J Day and National Lazy Mom's Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------this one is for Judy............
The pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the plaque that hung in the church foyer. The plaque was engraved with several names, with little American flags next to each name.
The pastor said, "Good morning, Alex. I see you're admiring our memorial plaque."
"Memorial plaque?"
"Yes, those are the names of the young men and women who have died in the service."
The pastor and the boy gazed at the plaque for a few more minutes. Finally, Alex asked, with a trembling voice. "Which service? The 8:30 service or the 11:00 service?"
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In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.
In 1861, during the Civil War, Confederate forces invaded the border state of Kentucky, which had declared its neutrality in the conflict; the incursion prompted the state Legislature to seek assistance from the Union.
In 1976, America's Viking 2 Lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.
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Today-------------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 88, Actress Anne Jackson is 85, Actress Eileen Brennan is 79, Country singer Tompall Glaser is 78, Actress Pauline Collins is 71, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 69, Actress Valerie Perrine is 68 and Rock musician Donald Brewer (Grand Funk Railroad) is 63.
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September 3rd is: Skyscraper Day and Uncle Sam's Birthday (1813).
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Larryj
Today's--------------old, still funny............
The old fellow on the bus was bragging to the stranger next to him. "I don't smoke or drink, or eat rich foods, or go to clubs, or chase after women, and I'm about to celebrate my 85th birthday!"
The stranger said, "How?"
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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.
In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, "One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.
In 1957, Arkansas Gov. Orval Faubus used Arkansas National Guardsmen to prevent nine black students from entering all-white Central High School in Little Rock.
In 1957, Ford Motor Company began selling its ill-fated Edsel.
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Today------------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 80, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 69, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 69, Actress Jennifer Salt is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 62, Rhythm-and-blues musician Ronald LaPread is 61, Actress Judith Ivey is 60 and Rock musician Martin Chambers (The Pretenders) is 60.
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September 4th is: International Drive Your Studebaker Day, Oatmeal Day (4-5) and Newspaper Carrier Day.
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Larryj
A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around , saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot says "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!"
Today's----------------soccer moms............
During the game the coach called aside one of his youth soccer players.
"You understand what team effort is all about, right?"
"Right."
"You know that it's not as important who wins or loses, as how we play the game, right?"
"Yes."
"And you're aware that it's a bad idea to kick officials, curse at them and call them idiots, right?"
"Yes."
"And when I call you off the field, and send in a substitute, you know it's bad sportsmanship to call me a big dope, right?"
"Right."
"OK, good. Now go over and explain all that to your mother."
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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.
In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.
In 1939, four days after war had broken out in Europe, President Franklin D. Roosevelt issued a proclamation declaring U.S. neutrality in the conflict.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation making aircraft hijackings a federal crime.
In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford escaped an attempt on his life by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a disciple of Charles Manson, in Sacramento.
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Today-------------Former Federal Reserve Board chairman Paul A. Volcker is 84, Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 82, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 79, Actor William Devane is 72, Actor George Lazenby is 72, Actress Raquel Welch is 71, Movie director Werner Herzog is 69, Singer Al Stewart is 66, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 65, College football Hall-of-Famer Jerry LeVias is 65, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 65, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 61 and Actor Michael Keaton is 60.
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September 5th is: Be Late For Something Day and Labor Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------been on here somewhere before, but one of my favorites..............
"Good morning," the vacuum cleaner salesman said to the lady who opened the door. "May I have a few moments of your time?"
"Sorry, I can't afford it," the lady said, and attempted to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the salesman wedged his foot in the door and said, "Please. This vacuum cleaner is amazing. Allow me to demonstrate."
He leaned in, emptied a sack of steer manure in the entryway, and said, "Now, madam, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace from your carpet, I personally will eat the remainder."
The lady gestured for him to come in. "I'll get you a fork," she said. "They cut off my electricity this morning."
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In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY. (McKinley died eight days later; he was succeeded by Vice President Theodore Roosevelt. Czolgosz was executed in October 1901.)
In 1916, the first self-service store, Piggly Wiggly, was opened in Memphis, Tennessee, by Clarence Saunders.
In 1985, all 31 people aboard a Midwest Express Airlines DC-9 were killed when the Atlanta-bound jetliner crashed just after takeoff from Milwaukee's Mitchell Field.
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Today------------Comedian JoAnne Worley is 74, Country singer David Allan Coe is 72, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 68, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 67 and Comedian-actress Jane Curtin is 64.
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September 6th is: Another Look Unlimited Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------------A True Blue Fan....................
In the 1960's, when the rivalry between the Dodgers and the Giants was at its most intense, a Los Angeles woman died. She had a son who lived locally and another son who lived in San Francisco. The Los Angeles man went to the telegraph office to send an urgent wire to his brother in San Francisco. He instructed that it read:
MOTHER DIED SUNDAY. FUNERAL HERE FRIDAY.
The telegraph operator said, "That's only six words. The minimum order is 10 words. You can add four more words for the same price."
The Los Angeles man thought for a moment, then said, "OK, put this at the end. DODGERS 4, GIANTS 3."
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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.
In 1968, feminists protested outside the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, NJ. (The pageant crown went to Miss Illinois, Judith Ford.)
In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and mortally wounded on the Las Vegas Strip; he died six days later.
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Today------------Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii, is 87, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 81, Actor Bruce Gray is 75, Singer Alfa Anderson (Chic) is 65, Actress Susan Blakely is 63, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 62, Actress Julie Kavner is 60 and Rock singer Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders) is 60.
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September 7th is: Google Commemoration Day, Grandma Moses Day, "Neither Rain nor Snow" Day and Salami Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------------HA HA.........................
A fisherman, standing waist-high in a lake, runs out of bait. A snake swims by with a dead frog in its mouth. The fisherman impulsively grabs the snake by the back of the head, forces open its mouth and shakes out the frog. Worried about the snake attacking him when he releases it, he fishes around in his gear, finds a bottle of bourbon, pours a couple of shots down the snake's throat, then tosses it as far away as he can. He cuts up the frog, starts fishing with the frog bait, and the fish start hitting like crazy. He hauls in one after another! He's as happy as can be, until the frog bait runs out. Then he's sad. But just then the snake returns and pauses expectantly right in front of him. This time the snake has two dead frogs in his mouth.
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In 1892, an early version of "The Pledge of Allegiance," written by Francis Bellamy, appeared in "The Youth's Companion."
In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.
In 1921, Margaret Gorman, 16, of Washington, D.C., was crowned the first "Miss America" in Atlantic City, NJ.
In 1935, Sen. Huey P. Long, D-La., was shot and mortally wounded inside the Louisiana State Capitol; he died two days later. (The assailant was identified as Dr. Carl Weiss, who was gunned down by Long's bodyguards.)
In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard Nixon.
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Today--------------Comedian Sid Caesar is 89, Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 71, Actor Alan Feinstein is 70, Pop singer Sal Valentino (The Beau Brummels) is 69, Author Ann Beattie is 64 and Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 61.
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September 8th is: International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day,
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Larryj
LOL..... sounds like something Slappy would do, the old snake :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Today's--------------old, repeat, from the archives.................
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."
In 1850, California became the 31st state of the Union.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since Reconstruction.
In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, NY., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.
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Today------------Actor Cliff Robertson is 88, Actress Sylvia Miles is 77, Actor Topol is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer Luther Simmons is 69, Singer Inez Foxx is 69, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 66, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 65, Country singer Freddy Weller is 64, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 62, Rock musician John McFee (The Doobie Brothers) is 61 and Actor Tom Wopat is 60.
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September 9th is: Wonderful Weirdos Day and Stand Up To Cancer Day.
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Larryj
Old, repeated and very much worth hearing again!
@Diane, yeah, and would you believe that was the joke that was in the paper today! What are the chances of that?
Today's-------------------hah.............
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.
In 1813, an American naval force commanded by Oliver H. Perry defeated the British in the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.
In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.
In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who'd served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.
In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.
In 1979, four Puerto Rican nationalists imprisoned for a 1954 attack on the U.S. House of Representatives and a 1950 attempt on the life of President Harry S. Truman were freed from prison after being granted clemency by President Jimmy Carter.
In 1987, Pope John Paul II arrived in Miami, where he was greeted by President and Mrs. Reagan as he began a 10-day tour of the United States.
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Today-----Golfer Arnold Palmer is 82, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 80, Actor Greg Mullavey is 72, Singer Jose Feliciano is 66, Former Canadian first lady Margaret Trudeau is 63, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 62 and Rock musician Joe Perry is 61.
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September 10th is: Farmer's Consumer Awareness Day, National Lacemaking Day, Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------ouch...........
Man looks up from the newspaper, shakes his head, and says, "I'll never understand how the biggest jerks get the most beautiful wives.
His wife, sitting nearby, replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"
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In 1936, Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) began operation as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a key in Washington to signal the start-up of the dam's first hydroelectric generator.
On September 11, 2001, America saw its worst day of terrorism as 19 al-Qaida terrorists hijacked four passenger jetliners. Two smashed into New York's World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one jetliner plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in western Pennsylvania. In all, nearly 3,000 people were killed.
In 2003, actor John Ritter died six days before his 55th birthday at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank -- the same hospital where he was born in 1948.
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Today----------Actress Betsy Drake is 88, Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, is 87, Actor Earl Holliman is 83, Comedian Tom Dreesen is 72, Movie director Brian De Palma is 71, Rock singer-musician Jack Ely is 68, Rock musician Mickey Hart is 68, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 66, Actor Philip Alford is 63 and Actress Amy Madigan is 61.
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September 11th is: Patriot Day, Remembrance Day, National Grandparents Day, Libraries Remember Day and National Hug Your Hound Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------makes sense..........
A preacher dies and joins the line at the pearly gates. There's just one guy ahead of him.
St. Peter welcomes that guy and says, "Name and occupation?"
"I'm Jack, retired airline pilot."
St. Peter consults his list, smiles, and waves him in. "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom!" he says.
Next, it's the preacher's turn. He steps forward boldly and says, "I'm Bob, a church pastor for almost 50 years!"
St. Peter checks his list and says, "Welcome, Bob. Please take this cotton robe and this wooden staff and enter the Kingdom!"
"Hey, wait a minute," the preacher says. "That pilot got first-class stuff. I'm a minister of God. Why do I get this cut-rate stuff?"
St. Peter says, "We judge by results. When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed."
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In 1960, Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kennedy addressed questions about his Roman Catholic faith, telling a Southern Baptist group, "I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the church does not speak for me."
In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.
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Today------------Actor Dickie Moore ("Our Gang") is 86, Actor Freddie Jones is 84, Country singer George Jones is 80, Actor Ian Holm is 80, Actress Linda Gray is 71, Singer Maria Muldaur is 69 and Actor Joe Pantoliano is 60.
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September 12th is: National Boss/Employee Exchange Day and Video Games Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------uh oh.....................
The artist received a call from the gallery. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if paintings go up in value after the artist dies. I said yes. He looked around, then bought every one of your paintings."
The artist said, "That's weird. So, what's the bad news?"
The gallery owner replied, "It was your doctor."
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In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.
In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army. (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973.)
In 1971, a four-day rebellion at the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York ended as police and guards stormed the prison; the ordeal and final assault claimed a total of 43 lives -- 32 inmates and 11 employees.
In 1989, Fay Vincent was elected commissioner of Major League Baseball succeeding the late A. Bartlett Giamatti.
In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur died at a Las Vegas hospital six days after he was wounded in a drive-by shooting; he was 25.
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Today-----------Actress Barbara Bain is 80, Actress Eileen Fulton ("As the World Turns") is 78, TV producer Fred Silverman is 74, Rock singer David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat and Tears) is 70, Actress Jacqueline Bissett is 67, Singer Peter Cetera is 67 and Actress Christine Estabrook is 61.
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September 13th is: International Chocolate Day and National Celiac Awareness Day.
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Larryj
Today's.............got that right..............
A boastful man was holding forth at the club, boring everyone with a long-winded account of his own pre-eminence.
"Furthermore," he said, his nose tilted in the air, "I'll have you know that my ancestors came over on the Mayflower."
One of his exasperated listeners rolled his eyes and replied, "Well, it's lucky they did. The immigration laws are much stricter now."
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In 1814, Francis Scott Key was inspired to write a poem after witnessing how the American flag continued to fly over Maryland's Fort McHenry after a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; that poem, "Defence of Fort McHenry," later became the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner."
In 1981, the syndicated TV program "Entertainment Tonight" made its debut.
In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly actress Grace Kelly, died at age 52 of injuries from a car crash the day before.
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Today---------Actress Zoe Caldwell is 78, Feminist author Kate Millet is 77, Actor Walter Keoenig is 75, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Larry Brown is 71, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 67, Actor Sam Neill is 64 and Rock musician Ed King is 62.
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September 14th is: National Creme-Filled Donut Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, still funny............
Jacob, 92, and Rebecca, 89, are engaged. They stop in at the drug store and have a talk with the pharmacist.
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Arthritis and rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Memory problems?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "Do you sell walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "We certainly do."
Jacob: "Excellent. If you will give us the paperwork, we would like to sign up for your bridal registry."
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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.
In 1950, during the Korean conflict, United Nations forces landed at Inchon in the south and began their drive toward Seoul.
In 1961, the United States began Operation Nougat, a series of underground nuclear explosions in the Nevada Test Site, two weeks after the Soviet Union resumed testing its nuclear weapons.
In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually convicted for their roles in the blast.)
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Today-----------------Actor Forest Compton is 86, Comedian Norm Crosby is 84, Actor Henry Darrow is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 73, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 66, Writer-director Ron Shelton is 66, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 65 and Movie director Oliver Stone is 65.
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September 15th is: Felt Hat Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy and Google.com Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------was old, repeat, back to the archives.............
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with fuel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
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In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.
In 1919, the American Legion received a national charter from Congress.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act.
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Today--------Actress Janis Paige is 89, Actress Lauren Bacall is 87, Blues singer B.B. King is 86, Clergyman-author Rev. Robert H Schuller is 85, Actor George Chakiris is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Betty Kelly (Martha and the Vandellas) is 67, Actress Susan Ruttan is 63, Actor Ed Begley, Jr. is 62 and Country singer David Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 61.
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September 16th is: Anne Bradstreet Day, Constitution Day/Pledge Across America, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, National POW/MIA Recognition Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Step Family Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------could have been a blond joke.......
The Auto Club tow truck driver is between calls. He spots a car on the shoulder. The car has an Auto Club sticker on the bumper, so the tow truck driver stops to help.
"What seems to be the problem?" he asks.
The motorist is standing outside her car, working hard to angle a stick through a crack in the driver's-side window. "Oh, thank Heaven," she says. "I stopped here to get something out of my trunk, and I managed to lock myself out of the car. I've been here almost an hour."
The tow truck driver takes a walk around the car, to assess the situation. He notices that the passenger-side door is unlocked. The door opens easily. "Check it out," he says to the motorist.
The motorist says, "Oh, yeah, I already got that side open. ::)
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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
In 1911, Calbraith P. Rodgers set off from Sheepshead Bay, NY, aboard a Wright biplane in an attempt to become the first flier to travel the width of the United States. (The 49-day journey required 69 stops before Rodgers arrived in Pasadena on Nov. 5.
In 1978, after meeting at Camp David, Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat signed a framework for a peace treaty.
In 1986, the Senate confirmed the nomination of William H. Rehnquist to become the 16th chief justice of the United States.
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Today-----------------Actor David Huddleston is 81, Singer LaMonte McLemore is 76, Singer Fee Waybill is 61, Actress Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) is 60 and Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 66.
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September 17th is: Constitution Day, Citizenship Day, Big Whopper Liar Day, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Puppy Mill Awareness Day, Responsible Dog Ownership Day and VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day.
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BONUS........................
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME................
Religion....................."You had better pray that comes out of the carpet."
Logic........................."Because I said so, that's why."
Irony........................."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
Wisdom....................."When you get to my age, you'll understand."
Justice......................."One day you'll have kids. I hope they turn out just like you."
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Larryj
I thought a few of our posters would mention that today is Constitution Day, but so far nobody has.
Today's-------------hah.............
The decrepit car creeped up a steep grade on one of those toll roads in Laguna Canyon. With great effort it struggled into line at the toll station. It wheezed to a stop, fluids dripping from underneath it, and smoke curling up from under the hood.
The toll station attendant called out, "Four dollars."
The motorist shouted, "SOLD!"
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In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to their owners.
In 1947, the National Security Act, which created a National Military Establishment, went into effect.
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
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Today-----------Singer Jimmie Rodgers is 78, Actor Robert Blake is 78, Actor Fred Willard is 72, Singer Frankie Avalon is 71, Rock musician Kerry Livgren is 62 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 61.
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September 18th is: Chiropractic Founders Day, Air Force Birthday, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, World Water Monitoring Day, National Respect Day and (pay attention, guys) WIFE APPRECIATION DAY.
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Larryj
Today's---------what a pal............
Two guys on a photo safari in Africa are far from shelter or protection. Suddenly they realize that a lioness has crept up behind them and they are in eminent danger of being attacked.
One of them immediately bends down, whips off his safari boots and slips on running shoes.
"You're wasting your time," the other says. "You'll never outrun a lion."
The first one replies, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I only have to outrun you."
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In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.
In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier", in the Nevada desert.
In 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev, visiting Los Angeles, reacted angrily upon being told that, for security reasons, he wouldn't get to visit Disneyland.
In 1960, Cuban leader Fidel Castro, in New York to visit the United Nations, angrily checked out of the Shelbourne Hotel in a dispute with the management; Castro ended up staying at the Hotel Theresa in Harlem.
In 1970, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.
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Today---------Author Roger Angell is 91, TV host James Lipton ("Inside the Actor's Studio") is 85, Actress Rosemary Harris is 84, Actor Adam West is 81, Actor David McCallum (NCIS) is 78, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 71, Singer Bill Medley is 71, Actor Jeremy Irons is 63, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 62, TV host Joan Lunden is 61 and Singer-producer Daniel Lanois is 60.
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September 19th is: Talk Like A Pirate Day, (Arrgh) and National Women Road Warrior Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------funny............
I have been in a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not in the shape I used to be.
I have been in Sane. Apparently they don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.
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In 1884, The National Equal Rights Party was formed during a convention of suffragists in San Francisco; the convention nominated Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood for president.
In 1958, Martin Luther King, Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest. (Curry was later found mentally incompetent.)
In 1973, in their so-called "battle of the sexes." tennis star Billy Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in straight sets, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3 at the Houston Astrodome.
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Today-------------Singer Gogi Grant is 87, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 82, Actress Sophia Loren is 77, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Taylor is 76, Rock musician Chuck Panozzo is 64, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 60 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 60.
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September 20th is: National Punch Day.
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Larryj
Today's--------------funny.............
The men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and starts to talk. The others in the room can't help but hear.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Hi, honey, it's me. I'm shopping, and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Can I put it on your credit card?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. It's $90,000."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."
Man: "Well, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in shock.
The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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In 1893, one of America's first horseless carriages was taken for a short test drive in Springfield, MA, by Frank Duryea, who had designed the vehicle with his brother, Charles.
In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien was first published.
In 1948, Milton Berle made his debut as permanent host of "The Texaco Star Theater" on NBC-TV.
In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" made its debut on ABC-TV as the Cleveland Browns defeated the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.
In 1981, the Senate unanimously confirmed the nomination of Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the Supreme Court.
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Today-------------Actor Karl Slover ("The Wizard Of Oz") is 93, Actor Larry Hagman is 80, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 77, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 70, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 68, Musician Don Felder is 64, Author Steven King is 64 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Artis Gilmore is 62.
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September 21st is: World Alzheimer Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------repeat, I think, somewhere else on the forum, but funny...........
A sweet old lady calls St. Stephens Hospital. She timidly asks, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator says, "Of course, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The old lady says, in a weak, tremulous voice, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replies, "Let me check with the nurse's station for that room."
A minute later, the operator returns to the phone and says, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has cleared her to be discharged tomorrow."
The old lady says, "That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replies, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The old lady says, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. Nobody here will tell me squat."
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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Capt. Nathan Hale, 21, was hanged as a spy by the British in New York.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
In 1911, pitcher Cy Young, 44, gained his 511th and final career victory as he hurled a 1-0 shutout for the Boston Rustlers against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Forbes Field.
In 1961, the Interstate Commerce Commission issued rules prohibiting racial discrimination on Interstate buses.
And, Actress Marion Davies died in Los Angeles at age 64.
In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford outside a San Francisco hotel, but missed. (Moore served 32 years in prison before being paroled on Dec. 31, 2007.
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Today--------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 69, Musician King Sunny Ade is 65, Actor Paul Le Mat is 65, Capt. Mark Philips is 63 and Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda is 84.
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September 22nd is: Dear Diary Day, International Day of Peace, Elephant Appreciation Day, American Business Women's Day, Hobbit Day , Car Free Day and National White Chocolate Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------an aha joke.............
An elderly gentleman of means suffered a serious hearing problem for years. Finally he went to a specialist who fitted him with a new hearing aid that restored 100 percent of his hearing.
The gentleman went back in a month for a checkup and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be very pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversation. I've changed my will three times!"
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In 1780, British spy John Andres was captured along with papers revealing Benedict Arnold's plan to surrender West Point to the British.
In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.
In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.
In 1981, the Reagan administration announced plans for what became known as "Radio Marti."
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Today------------Actor Mickey Rooney is 91, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 88, Singer Julio Iglesias is 68, Actor Paul Peterson ("The Donna Reed Show") is 66 and Actress-singer Mary Kay Place is 64.
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September 23rd is: Love Note Day, Restless Legs Awareness Day, Hug a Vegetarian Day, Celebrate Bi-sexuality Day, Mabon and the Autumnal Equinox.
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Larryj
Today's-------------gotta think about this one......
Two men are sitting at a bar in the sky lounge of a tall building. One is a newspaper reporter and the other is a tax attorney. The newsman is bored by the lawyer's repeated attempts to make conversation.
Finally, the newsman calls the bartender over and says, "Hey, Mac, fix me a Flying Squirrel."
When the drink arrives, the newsman gulps it down, walks to an open window, leaps out and flies away.
The tax attorney says to the bartender, "Wow, that's amazing. Fix me one of those Flying Squirrels, will you?"
The drink arrives, the attorney gulps it, walks to the window, jumps out and plummets to his doom.
A few minutes later, the reporter walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "That's a dirty trick, Superman."
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In 1961, "Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color" premiered on NBC (it succeeded Disney's anthology series on ABC).
In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco carried out by the Symbionese Liberation Army. (Hearst was released after 22 months after receiving clemency from President Jimmy Carter.)
In 1991, Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as "Dr. Seuss" died in La Jolla, CA, at age 87.
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Today---------------Actor-singer Herb Jeffries is 100, Actress Sheila MacRae is 87, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Sonny Turner (The Platters)is 72, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 71, Singer Phyllis "Jiggs" Allbut (The Angels) is 69, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 69, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 66, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 65 and Actor Gordon Clapp is 63.
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September 24th is: Boys and Girls Club Day For Kids, AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Family Health and Fitness Day, Innergize Day, Punctuation Day, Fish Amnesty Day, National Museum Day, Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs), National Public Lands Day, National Hunting and Fishing Day and R.E.A.D in America Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------priorities is the word here...........
A man calls a friend and says, "Buddy, I need your help. My wife is deathly ill and I need money to buy her medicine. She won't last a day without it. Can I count on you?"
The friend says, "Listen, Joe, we both know about your gambling problem. I've given you money before, and you just go and gamble it away. How do I know this time will be any different?"
Joe says, "Oh, don't worry about that. Gambling money I've got."
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In 1690, one of the earliest American newspapers, Publick Occurrences, published its first -- and last --- edition in Boston.
In 1789, the first United States Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification. (Ten of the amendments became the Bill of Rights.)
In 1911, ground was broken for Boston's Fenway Park.
In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, because of unruly white crowds were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.
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Today-------------Broadcast journalist Barbara Walters is 82, Folk singer Ian Tyson is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Joe Russell is 72, Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 68, Actor Josh Taylor is 68, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 67, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 64, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 62, Actor-director Anson Williams is 62, Actor Mark Hamill is 60 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob McAdoo is 60.
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September 25th is: Gold Star Mother's Day, World Ataxia Awareness Day and National One-Hit-Wonder Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------old, but funny
Two elderly gentlemen are visiting in the living room of one of their homes. The host says to the guest, "You know, I've been seeing a new doctor about my memory loss, and he's put me on some great new medicine. I'm so much better now. The difference is unbelievable."
The other gent says, "That's great. I need to see that doctor myself. What is his name?"
The first man hesitates, looks heavenward, strokes his chin, frowns, then says, "It was right on the tip of my tongue. It's Doctor............Doctor...........why can't I think of it? Let me see............long stems.......thorns.......red flowers..."
The second man says, "Rose?"
The first man slaps his knee and says, "That's it!" Then he turns and shouts to his wife in the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of my new Doctor?"
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In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first U.S. Secretary of State; John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.
In 1892, John Philip Sousa and his newly formed band performed publicly for the first time at the Stillman Music hall in Plainfield, NJ.
In 1914, the Federal Trade Commission was established.
In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.
In 1990, the Motion Picture Association of America announced it had created a new rating, NC-17, to replace the X rating.
In 1991, four men and four women began a two-year stay inside a sealed-off structure in Oracle, AZ, called Biosphere 2. (They emerged from Biosphere on this date in 1993.)
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Today----------------Retired baseball All-star Bobby Shantz is 86, Actor Philip Bosco is 81, Actress Donna Douglas is 79, Actor Richard Herd is 79, South African Nationalist Winnie Madikizela-Mandella is 75, Country singer David Frizzell is 70, Actor Kent McCord is 69, Television host Anne Robinson is 67, Singer Bryan Ferry is 66, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 65, Singer Lynn Anderson is 64 and Singer Olivia Newton-John is 63.
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September 26th is: Shamu the Whale Day, Family Day--A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Kids, World Heart Day, World Maritime Day and Johnny Appleseed Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
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In 1928, the United States said it was recognizing the Nationalist Chinese government.
In 1941, was "Liberty Fleet Day" as the United States launched 14 rapidly built military cargo vessels, including the first Liberty ship, the SS Patrick Henry, which was personally launched by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in Baltimore.
In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, Theater in Passaic, NJ, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.
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Today-----------------Actress Jayne Meadows is 91, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 78, Actor Wilfred Brimley is 77, Actor Claude Jarman, Jr. is 77, Author Barbara Howar is 77, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 72, Singer-musician Randy Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 68, Rock singer Meat Loaf is 64, Actress Liz Torres is 64, Actor A. Martinez is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 62, Actor Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is 61 and Producer Don Cornelius ("Soul Train") is 75.
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September 27th is: Ancestor Appreciation Day, World Tourism Day, Peregian Spring Tides and Google's Birthday.
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Larryj
Today's------------I must be getting old, seems like I've heard all these before...........
Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!" Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
Another one: The doctor gave his patient a thorough examination, then told him, "I'm sorry. There's no easy way to say this. You are terminally ill. I'm afraid I can't give you more than three months to live."
Three months later, the man called his doctor and said, "Guess what, Doc! I'm still here."
The doctor says, "That's great. Oh, by the way, you haven't paid your bill yet."
"No, I guess I haven't."
"Tell you what. I'll give you another three months to live."
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In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds. (All were acquitted at trial, but all eight were banned from the game for life.)
In 1974, first lady Betty Ford underwent a mastectomy at Bethesda Naval Medical Center in Maryland, following discovery of a cancerous lump in her breast.
In 1991, jazz great Miles Davis died in Santa Monica at age 65.
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Today------------Actor William Windom is 88, Actress Brigitte Bardot is 77, Singer Ben E. King is 73, Actor Joel Higgins is 68, Singer Helen Shapiro is 65 and Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 61.
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September 28th is: Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Rosh Hashana and National Good Neighbor Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah
Sister Anne joined a nunnery. The Abbess welcomed her and said, "This is a silent convent. You may not speak until instructed."
Five years later, the Abbess summoned Sister Anne and said, "You may speak two words."
Sister Anne said, "Hard bed."
The Abbess said, "I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."
Five years later, Sister Anne was summoned again. "You may speak two words," the Abbess said.
Sister Anne said, "Cold food."
"I'll speak with the cook," the Abbess said.
Five years later, on the 15th anniversary of her admission to the convent, Sister Anne again was allowed to say two words. She said, "I quit."
The Abbess said, "It's probably best. You've done nothing but complain ever since you've been here."
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In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.
In 1910, the National Urban League had its beginnings as The Committee on Urban Conditions Among Negroes. It was established in New York.
In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. (The case remains unsolved.)
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Today-------------Actress Lizabeth Scott is 89, Actor Steve Forrest is 86, Actress Anita Ekberg is 80, Lech Walesa, the former president of Poland, is 68, Television-film producer Mike Post is 67, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 63, Country singer Alvin Crow is 61 and Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 76.
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September 29th is: National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, National Women's Health and Fitness Day, VFW Day and National Coffee Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------OOOOKKKAAAAAAAYYYY...............
A man and wife of many years are sipping wine on the patio of their home. At one point the woman says, "I love you so much. I don't know if I could live without you."
Hubby says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife says, "It's me.............talking to the wine."
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In 1809, a treaty was signed by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison and representatives of four Indian tribes under which the Indians sold some 3 million acres of land to be used for U.S. settlements.
In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame.
In 1962, black student James Meredith was escorted by federal marshals to the campus of the University of Mississippi where he enrolled for classes the next day.
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Today-------------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 83, Actress Angie Dickinson is 80, Singer Cissy Houston is 78, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 68, Actress Victoria Tennant is 61 and Singer Johnny Mathis is 76,
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September 30th is: Blasphemy Day, Ask A Stupid Question Day and Hug A Vegetarian Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------it's twilight zone time.............
A Dublin University student was hitchhiking during a severe storm in the Irish lowlands. Visibility was near zero in the dense fog. Suddenly he saw the dim image of approaching headlights. A car appeared, and stopped in front of him. He hopped in. The car started moving again.
He turned to thank the driver. There was nobody behind the wheel! There was nobody else in the car! He looked around wildly. He could see nothing, but he heard the sounds of moaning and groaning. He had been taken by spirits!
Terrified, he prayed for his life as the ghost car moved slowly down the road. After almost an hour, he saw the lights of a pub ahead. He leaped from the car and ran wildly toward the pub. Once inside, he told everyone the harrowing story of his ordeal.
A few minutes later, two other men walked in, drenched and exhausted. One of them announced to the bartender, "Our car broke down about three miles back and we've pushed it all the way here. Lousy car. I swear, it got heavier that last mile."
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In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.
In 1949, a 42-day strike by the United Steelworkers of America began over the issue of retirement benefits.
In 1971, Walt Disney World opened near Orlando, Florida.
In 1986, former President Jimmy Carter's presidential library and museum were dedicated in Atlanta with help from President Reagan.
In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.
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Today-------------Pianist Roger Williams is 87, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 76, Actress Stella Stevens is 73, Rock musician Jerry Martini (Sly and the Family Stone) is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 66, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 65, Actor Steven Collins is 64, Actress Yvette Freeman is 61, Actor Randy Quaid is 61 and Former President Jimmy Carter is 87.
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October 1st is: International Day Of Older Persons, Fire Pup Day, Fall Astronomy Day, National Lace Day, Inter-American Water Day, World Card Making Day and World Vegetarian Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------May the Good Lord help us, it is going to be "knock knock" joke week............yuk
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry. It's just a joke.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Albie.
Albie who?
Albie out here if you need me.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
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In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a serious stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.
In 1970, one of two chartered twin-engine planes flying the Wichita State University football team to Utah crashed into a mountain near Silver Plume, Colorado, killing 31 of the 40 people on board.
In 1971, the music program "Soul Train" made its debut in national syndication.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his Beverly Hills home at age 59 after battling AIDS.
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Today---------Country singer-musician Leon Rausch (Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys) is 84, Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 79, Movie critic Rex Reed is 73, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 66, Actor Avery Brooks is 63, Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 63, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 62, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis, Mike and the Mechanics) is 61 and Singer-actor Sting is 60.
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October 2nd is: Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, Change A Light Day, National Custodial Worker's Day, Guardian Angels Day, Techie's Day, World Communion Day, International Day Of Non-Violence and World Farm Animals Day.
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Larryj
OK! Knock knock!
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie thing you can do I can do better!
Today's-------------I don't know if I can make it through this week ::)
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Isaiah.
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing until you open this door.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wah!
Wah who?
You don't have to get so excited about it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Delores.
Delores who?
Delores is my shepherd.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Are you some kind of nut?
______________________________________
In 1789, President George Washington declared Nov. 26, 1789, a day of Thanksgiving to express gratitude for the creation of the United States of America.
In 1941, "The Maltese Falcon," starring Humphrey Bogart and directed by John Huston opened in New York.
In 1961, "The Dick Van Dyke Show," also starring Mary Tyler Moore, made its debut on CBS.
In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. (Simpson was later found liable in a civil case.)
In 2008, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two sports-memorabilia dealers at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room. (Simpson was later sentenced to nine to 35 years in prison.)
___________________________________________________
Today-------------Author Gore Vidal is 86, Basketball player Marques Haynes is 85, Composer Steve Reich is 75, Singer Alan O'Day is 71, Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 70, Actor Alan Rachins is 69, Magician Roy Horn is 67, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 62, Blues singer Keb' Mo' is 60 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 60.
___________________________________________________
October 3rd is: Child Health Day and World Habitat Day.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Knock,knock!
Who's there?
Cow go.
Cow go who?
Nah, cow go moo.
Today's------------aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh, and it is only Tuesday.......
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel out of order? I had to knock.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy wind blows de cradle will rock.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ahmed.
Ahmed who?
Ahmed a big mistake coming here.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ezra.
Ezra who?
Ezra no hope for me in this world?
_______________________________________
In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, PA, resulting in heavy American casualties.
In 1861, during the Civil War, the United States Navy authorized construction of the first ironclad ship, the USS Monitor.
In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy," created by Chester Gould, made its debut.
In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.
In 1976, agriculture secretary Earl Butz resigned in the wake of a controversy over a joke he'd made about blacks.
________________________________________________
Today-------------Country singer Leroy Van Dyke is 82, Actor Eddie Applegate is 76, Actress Felicia Farr is 76, Author Jackie Collins is 74, Author Roy Blount, Jr. is 70, Author Anne Rice is 70, Actress Lori Saunders ("Petticoat Junction") is 70, Baseball manager Tony La Russa is 67, Actress Susan Sarandon is 65, Actor Armand Assante is 62 and Actor Alan Rosenberg is 61.
________________________________________________
October 4th is: Cinnamon Roll Day, Blessing Of The Animals Day, Ten-Four Day, Improve Your Office Day and World Animal Day.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo honk, honk. 10-4?
Today's-----------------(sigh)
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Police!
Police who?
Police let us in; it's cold out here.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Chimney.
Chimney who?
Chimney Cricket! Have you seen Pinocchio?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't go around knocking on doors, but can I borrow a cup of sugar?
___________________________________________
In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.
In 1921, the World Series was covered on radio for the first time as Newark, NJ., station WJZ relayed reports from the Polo Grounds, where the New York Giants were facing the New York Yankees.
In 1931, Clyde Pangborn and Hugh Herndon completed the first non-stop flight across the Pacific Ocean, arriving in Washington state some 41 hours after leaving Japan.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman delivered the first televised White House address as he spoke on the world food crisis.
In 2001, tabloid photo editor Robert Stephens died from inhaled anthrax, the first of a series of anthrax cases in Florida, New York, New Jersey and Washington.
________________________________________________
Today------------"Family Circus" cartoonist Bill Keane is 89, Actress Glynis Johns is 88, Comedian Bill Dana is 87, Actress Diane Cilento is 78, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Barry Switzer is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Arlene Smith (The Chantels) is 70, Singer Richard Street is 69, Singer-musician Steve Miller is 68, Rock singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 64 and Actress Karen Allen is 60.
________________________________________________
October 5th is: World Teacher's Day and Balloons Around The World Day.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wendy
Wendy who?
Wendy wind blows da cradle will rock.
Today's----------------------------Only a few days left.........
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aardvark.
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
One shoe.
One shoe who?
One shoe come home, Bill Bailey? One shoe come home?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Despair.
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Archie.
Archie who?
Gesundheit!
__________________________________________
In 1683, 13 families from Krefield, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.
In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer," starring Al Jolson.
In 1949, U.S-born Iva Toguri D'Aquino, convicted of treason for being Japanese wartime broadcaster "Tokyo Rose," was sentence in San Francisco to 10 years in prison (she ended up serving more than six.)
In 1989, actress Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.
__________________________________________
Today---------------Broadcaster and writer Melvyn Bragg is 72, Actress Britt Ekland is 69, Singer Millie Small is 65, Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 62 and Rock singer Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon) is 60.
__________________________________________
October 6th is: Mad Hatter Day, Ecological Debt Day, German-American Day and Jackie Mayer Rehab Day.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------it's almost over.........
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Radio!
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Accordion.
Accordion who?
Accordion to the newspaper, it's going to rain.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
You're welcome!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Figs!
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell! It's broken!
____________________________________________
In 1996, Fox News Channel made it's debut.
In 1998, Matthew Shepard, a gay college student at the University of Wyoming, was beaten, robbed and left tied to a wooden fencepost outside of Laramie; he died five days later. (Russell Henderson and Aaron McKinney are serving life sentences for Shepard's murder.)
In 2001, the current war in Afghanistan started as the United States and Britain launched air attacks against military targets and Osama Bin Laden's training camps in the wake of the September 11 attacks. Speaking from the White House, President George W. Bush said, "We will not waver, we will not tire."
_____________________________________________
Today------------Retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 80, Comedian Joy Behar (TV: "The View") is 69, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 68, Actress Jill Larsen (TV: "All My Children") is 64, Singer John Mellencamp is 60 and Rock musician Ricky Phillips is 60.
_____________________________________________
October 7th is: Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day, World Smile Day :), and Yom Kippur.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------groooooaaaan.............
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Eskimo!
Eskimo who?
Eskimo questions, I'll tell you no lies.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Queen!
Queen who?
Queen as a whistle!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tarzan!
Tarzan who?
Tarzan and stripes forever!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all, folks!
__________________________________________________
In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo. Wisconsin, and in several communities in Michigan.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.
In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5, 2-0.
In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.
In 1981, at the White House, President Ronald Reagan greeted former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon, who were preparing to travel to Egypt for the funeral of Anwar Sadat.
_________________________________________________________
Today-------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 75, Actor Paul Hogan is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Fred Cash (The Impressions) is 71, Civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 70, Comedian Chevy Chase is 68, Author R.L. Stine is 68, TV personality Sarah Purcell is 63 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 62.
_________________________________________________________
October 8th is: Universal Music Day, Alvin C. York Day, National Pierogy Day and National Depression Screening Day.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------HOORAY!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OVER.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his mother, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
The boy says, "Really? The stork brought me?"
Mom replies, "Yes."
The boy follows up with, "OK, how were you and daddy born?"
"The stork brought us, too."
"Hmm, well, how about grandpa and grandma?"
Mom, growing exasperated, says, "They were brought by the stork, too, and so were their parents, and so were their parent's parents."
The boy begins his paper. "This report is very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for at least five generations."
______________________________________________________
In 1776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.
In 1888, the public was first admitted to the Washington Monument.
In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, NY, to Glendale, CA.
In 1936, the first generator at Boulder (later Hoover) Dam began transmitting electricity to Los Angeles.
______________________________________________________
Today---------Actor Fyvush Finkel is 89, Former Sen. Treat Lott, R-Miss., is 70, R&B singer Nona Hendryx is 67, Singer Jackson Browne is 63, Actor Gary Frank is 61, Actor Richard Chaves is 60 and Actor Robert Wuhl is 60.
______________________________________________________
October 9th is: National Pro-Life Cupcake Day, International African Diaspora Day, World Post Day, Leif Erikson Day, National Chess Day and Clergy Appreciation Day.
_______________________________________________________
Note: From the Associated Press: Los Angeles: Roger Williams, the virtuoso pianist who topped the Billboard pop chart in the 1950's and played for nine U.S. presidents during a long career, died Saturday. He was 87. Williams died at his home in Los Angeles of complications from pancreatic cancer, according to his former publicist Rob Wilcox.
Known as an electrifying stage performer and an adept improviser, Williams effortlessly switched between musical styles. Williams' 1955 hit "Autumn Leaves" was the only piano instrumental to reach number one on the Billboard pop charts. It remains the best-selling piano record of all time, with more than 2 million sold.
Nicknamed the "pianist to the presidents," Williams played for every commander in chief from Harry Truman to George H.W. Bush. His last trip to the White House was in 2008, when he performed at a luncheon for then-first lady Laura Bush.
(I would question the "2 million" comment as I am sure it is much more than that, probably a typo.)
___________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------hah...........
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
After conducting a rigorous examination and asking many questions, the doctor pulled off his latex gloves, picked up the patient's chart from the counter top, and wrote at length in it.
The patient said with a concerned look, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
The doctor finished writing, then looked up and said, "Well, in plain English, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just lazy."
The man considered this for a moment, then said, "OK. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
________________________________________________________
In 1911, California voters approved proposition 4, giving women the right to vote, and Proposition 7, which established the initiative process for proposing and enacting new laws.
In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, accused of accepting bribes, pleaded no contest to one count of income tax evasion, and resigned his office.
________________________________________________________
Today---------Former Illinois Sen. Adlai Stevenson III is 81, Actor Peter Coyote is 70, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 65, Singer John Prine is 65, Actor Charles Dance is 65, Rock singer-musician Cyril Neville (The Neville Brothers) is 63, Actress Jessica Harper is 62 and Author Nora Roberts (aka "J.D. Robb") is 61.
________________________________________________________
October 10th is: National Kick Butt Day, International Newspaper Carrier Day, Naval Academy Day, Native American Day and World Mental Health Day.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------whoooooops!
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab takes off. The driver keeps staring at her in the rear-view mirror. Finally, she asks him why.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun says, "My son, you cannot offend me. I have seen and heard everything."
The cab driver says, "Well, I always felt that I would be truly blessed if a nun would kiss me."
The nun says, "Are you single? And a Catholic?"
The cab driver says, enthusiastically, "Yes! I am both!"
The nun says, "OK, stop the cab." She gets out, walks over to the driver's side, plants a whopper of a kiss on the cab driver, then returns to the back seat. The cab takes off again, but the nun notices that the driver is weeping.
She says, "My dear child, what is the matter?"
The cab driver says, "Forgive me, for I have sinned. I'm married and I am a Protestant."
The nun says, "That's OK. I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
__________________________________________________
In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington. D.C.
In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis.
In 1961, actor-comedian Leonard "Chico" Marx, 74, died in Hollywood.
In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.
In 1986, President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev opened two days of talks concerning arms control and human rights in Reykjavik, Iceland.
In 1991, comedian Redd Foxx died in Los Angeles at age 68.
_________________________________________________________
Today------------Author Elmore Leonard is 86, Actor Earle Hyman is 85, Former U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry is 84, Actor Rob Leibman is 74, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 69, Country singer Gene Watson is 68, Actress-director Catlin Adams is 61 and Country singer Paulette Carlson is 60.
_________________________________________________________
October 11th is: National Coming Out Day and National Face Your Fears Day.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
LOL thanks. That was perfect!
That was a good one.
Today's-------------for all the third graders, or whoever.............
Halloween Q&A
Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A: I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q: What is like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.
Q: Why aren't ghosts ever arrested?
A: It's tough to pin anything on them.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath.
Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
A: They're so wrapped up in themselves.
___________________________________________________
In 1492, (according to the Old Style calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.
In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.
In 1971, the rock opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway.
In 2000, 17 sailors were killed in a suicide bomb attack on the destroyer USS Cole in Yemen.
___________________________________________________
Today--------------------Actress Antonia Rey is 84, Comedian-activist Dick Gregory is 79, Former Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, is 79, Singer Sam Moore (of Sam and Dave) is 76, Broadcast Journalist Chris Wallace is 64 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 61.
___________________________________________________
October 12th is: International Top Spinning Day, Emergency Nurses Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To School Or Work Day, Free Thought Day and International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Yup,third grade jokes for sure. Love 'em.
Today's---------------- ::)
The chief's youngest son came to him and asked, "How did you and mother decide what to call me?"
The chief smiled and answered, "The Ancient Spirits guided us to choose names inspired by nature. For example, when your older brother was born, I walked outside and saw a grizzly rolling and playing in the field over there. The beast was happy and carefree. I took it as an omen. We named your brother Tumbling Bear."
The boy said, "What about my sister?"
The chief said, "When she was born, I walked outside and saw a buck jumping over the creek. It was a beautiful morning. We named your sister Leaping Deer. Tell me, why do you ask these questions, Two Dogs Vomiting?"
_______________________________________________________
In 1974, longtime television host Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 73.
_______________________________________________________
Today-------------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 86, Playwright Frank D. Gilroy is 86, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 73, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 70 and Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 64
_______________________________________________________
October 13th is: English Language Day, International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, Navy Birthday and World Sight Day.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------more third grader jokes............Halloween style.............
Q: What did the waiter say to the skeleton?
A: Bone appetit!
Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long, sucker!
Q: What is a ghost's favorite band?
A: The Boos Brothers.
Q: Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
Q: What do you give a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch!
Q: Where do vampires keep their savings?
A: At the blood bank.!
Q: Do werewolves have cousins?
A: Yes, the what-wolves and the when-wolves.
Q: What did Dracula say after reading this list?
A: These jokes bite!
___________________________________________________
In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. (Chuck) Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1) rocket plane over Muroc Dry Lake in California.
In 1987, a 58-hour drama began in Midland, Texas, as 18-month-old Jessica McClure slid 22 feet down an abandoned well at a private day care center; she was rescued on Oct. 16.
___________________________________________________
Today-----------Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 95, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 73, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 72, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 71, Actor Udo Kier is 67 and Singer-musician Justin Hayward (The Moody Blues) is 65.
___________________________________________________
October 14th is: Alternative Fuel Day, Be Bald and Be Free Day and Clergy Appreciation Day.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
What is a ghost's favorite color?
Boo, of course!
Today's---------I had to attend a celiac support meeting this morning. I tried to get this in before I left, two times, and lost it both times. Third time is charm, "they" say.
After the funeral for her husband, Alice is having lunch with her friend, Annie. Annie asks Alice if her husband left her adequately provided for, financially.
Alice: "He had a $500,000 life insurance policy, but I've spent most of it already."
Annie, shocked, "Already? How is that possible?"
Alice: "Well, the funeral costs came to $10,000 and I paid more than $450,000 for a memorial stone."
Annie: "Wow! $450,000! That must be an incredible stone!"
Alice: "Oh, yes! It's 12 carats!"
____________________________________________
In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, NY, wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.
In 1951, the classic situation comedy "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS with the episode "The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub."
In 1991, despite sexual harassment allegations by Anita Hill, the Senate narrowly confirmed the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, 52-48.
____________________________________________
Today------------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 87, Jazz musician Freddy Cole is 80, Singer Barry McGuire is 76, Actress Linda Lavin is 74, Rock musician Don Stevenson (Moby Grape) is 69, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 66, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 65, Actor Victor Banerjee is 65 and Tennis player Roscoe Tanner is 60.
____________________________________________
October 15th is: National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day, International Day of Rural Women, National Grouch Day, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day and White Cane Safety Day.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------hah......
A boy watched his father, the church pastor, writing his weekly sermon.
After awhile the boy asked, "How do you know what to say?"
His father paused, smiled and answered, "Why, God tells me." Then he went back to writing.
The boy watched in silence for a moment, but then asked, "Does God ever get mad at you?"
Father, startled, replied, "Why would God get mad at me?"
The boy said, "Well, you keep crossing out the things he tells you."
_________________________________________
In 1859, radical abolitionist John Brown led a group of 21 men in a raid on Harpers Ferry in western Virginia. (Ten of Brown's men were killed and five escaped. Brown and six followers ended up being captured; all were executed.) (ed. note-adds up to 22?)
In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.
In 1962. the Cuban missile crisis began as President John F. Kennedy was informed that reconnaissance photographs had revealed missile bases in Cuba.
In 1987, a 58 1/2 hour drama in Midland. Texas, ended happily as rescuers freed Jessica McClure, 18-month old girl trapped in an abandoned well.
_________________________________________
Today-------Actress Angela Landsbury is 86, Author Gunter Grass is 84, Former presidential adviser Charles W. Colson is 80, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 74, Actor Barry Corbin is 71, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 70, Rock musician C.F. Turner is 68, Rock-singer-musician Bob Weir is 64, Producer-director David Zucker is 64 and Actress Suzanne Somers is 65.
________________________________________
October 16th is: Dictionary Day, World Food Day, National Feral Cat Day, World Toy Camera Day and Natianal Sunday School Teacher Day.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------more Halloween Q&A...............
Q: What is Dracula's least favorite song?
A: "Sunshine on my shoulder."
Q: What did the "Mummy" movie director say when the final scene was filmed?
A: "OK, that's a wrap!"
Q: Why doesn't anybody like vampires?
A: They all have bat tempers.
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
_________________________________________
In 1711, Jupiter Hammon, the first black poet to have his work published in America, was born on Long Island, NY, into a lifetime of slavery. (The date of his death is unknown, although he apparently lived at least into his 80's.
In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion. (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939.)
In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.
In 1973, Arab oil-producing nations announced they would begin cutting back oil exports to Western nations and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.
In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage.
___________________________________________________
Today----------Actress Marsha Hunt is 94, Actress Julie Adams is 85, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 81, Country singer Earl Thomas Conley is 70, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Crofts) is 69, Singer Gary Puckett is 69, Rock musician Michael Hossack is 65, Actor Michael McKean is 64, Actress Margot Kidder is 63, Actor George Wendt is 63 and Actor-singer Bill Hudson is 62.
___________________________________________________
October 17th is: Mulligan Day, National Boss's Day and International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty.
(Note: I noticed that I may have previously posted some days that were not exactly accurate because I was looking at 2012 rather than 2011. Sorry about that.)
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Where do little ghosts spend their time while the mommy ghosts work?
Dayscare centers
Today's---------------hah........
A little boy at a wedding tugged on his mother's sleeve and asked, "Mom, why is the bride all dressed in white?"
Mom whispers, "White symbolizes innocence, a clean start, a new beginning, and the bride feels the joy of all those things as she embarks on her voyage of discovery, fulfillment and commitment. Also, white reflects light, which is indicative of the radiance that the bride feels today. It is the happiest day of her life."
The boy was quiet for a moment. Then he leaned over and said, "Mom, why is the groom all dressed in black?"
__________________________________________________
In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.
In 1931, inventor Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, NJ, at age 84.
In 1961, the movie musical "West Side Story," starring Natalie Wood and Richard Beymer, premiered in New York, the film's setting.
In 1962, James D. Watson, Francis Crick and Maurice Wilkins were honored with the Nobel Prize for Medicine and Physiology for determining the double-helix molecular structure of DNA.
In 1969, the federal government banned artificial sweeteners known as cyclamates because of evidence they caused cancer in laboratory rats.
In 1971, the Knapp Commission began public hearings into allegations of corruption in the New York City police department. (The witnesses included Frank Serpico.)
________________________________________________
Today-----------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 85, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 83, Actress Dawn Wells is 73, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Mike Ditka is 72 and Actress Pam Dawber is 61.
________________________________________________
October 18th is: National Chocolate Cupcake Day, World Menopause Day and Pro-life Day of Silent Solidarity.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Name a good Halloween Party game.
Hide and shriek.
Today's-----------------good thinking, I guess...........
The TV news team tracked down the 110-year-old man at a bar. Spotlights were set up, the camera started rolling and the reporter asked, "So, tell us, how have you managed to remain active until the grand age of 110?"
The man answered, "I remain as inactive as possible."
The reporter laughed, assuming that the old man was joking. "No, seriously, you're in such great shape for a man of 110. How have you managed to do it?"
The old man said, "I take my inspiration from the giant redwood trees. They are among the oldest living things on Earth. And, they never budge."
_______________________________________________
In 1765, the Stamp Act Congress, meeting in New York, drew up a declaration of rights and liberties.
In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, VA, as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba.
In 1967, the U.S. space probe Mariner 5 flew past Venus.
In 1977, the supersonic Concorde made its first landing in New York City.
In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value.
_____________________________________________________
Today---------------Former U.S. Ambassador to Russia Robert S. Strauss is 93, Author John le Carre is 80, Artist Peter Max is 74, Author and critic Renata Adler is 73, Actor Michael Gambon is 71, Actor John Lithgow is 66, Feminist Activist Patricia Ireland is 66, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 66 and Rock singer-musician Patrick Simmons is 63.
_____________________________________________________
October 19th is: Evaluate Your Life Day, Hogfish Day and Medical Assistants Recognition Day.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------more Halloween Q&A..........
Q: What's the most complimentary thing you can say to a zombie after he introduces you to his girlfriend?
A: Where on earth did you dig her up?
Q: What do you say to a grumpy zombie?
A: What's the matter? Did you get up on the wrong side of the crypt?
Q: What do you call zombies in Death Valley?
A: Tourists.
____________________________________________
In 1936, Helen Keller's teacher, Anne Sullivan Macy, died in Forest Hills, NY, at age 70.
In 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence and infiltration in the U.S. motion picture industry.
____________________________________________
Today-------------Actor William Christopher is 79, Japan's Empress Michiko is 77, Singer Tom Petty is 61, Actor William "Rusty" Russ is 61 and Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 74.
____________________________________________
October 20th is: Miss American Rose Day, International Overload Day, Birth of the Bab, Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day and International Credit Union Day.
____________________________________________
Larryj
How do you make an old witch itch?
Take away the ''w.''
Today's-----------------old but still funny...........
A nice elderly couple had the same doctor. They both complained to him about memory problems. He suggested they start writing little reminder notes.
That night, while watching TV, hubby gets up and asks his wife, "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"
Wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? And write it down, so you don't forget."
"I can remember that."
"Well, I want strawberries on top. You're sure to forget that."
"No, I'll remember."
"And whipped cream. Please write this down."
"For heaven's sake, I can remember ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream. Don't worry."
Half an hour later, he returns and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at it for a minute, then says, "Where's the toast I asked for?"
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In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, NJ.
In 1917, members of the 1st Division of the U.S. Army training in Luneville, France, became the first Americans to see action on the front lines of World War I.
In 1959, the Solomon and Guggenheim Museum, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York.
In 1991, American hostage Jesse Turner was freed by his kidnappers in Lebanon after nearly five years in captivity.
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Today-----------------Actress Joyce Randolph is 87, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 71, Singer Elvin Bishop is 69, TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 69 and Actor Everett McGill is 66.
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October 21st is: Mammography Day, Reptile Awareness Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day and Simchat Torah.
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Larryj
What do witches like for breakfast?
Bagels and scream cheese.
Today's------------still more Halloween Q&A..............
Q: What do you call a skeleton that stays out in the snow all night?
A: A numbskull
Q: Why did the skeleton student stay late at the library?
A: He was boning up for his exams.
Q: What do you call a skeleton who sleeps late?
A: Lazy bones.
Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton?"
A: Bonehead.
Q: How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
A: He could feel it in his bones.
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In 1836, Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first constitutionally elected president of the Republic of Texas.
In 1928, Republican presidential nominee Herbert Hoover spoke of the "American system of rugged individualism" at New York's Madison Square Garden.
In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.
In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.
In 2010, Wikileaks released 391,831 purported Iraq war logs that suggested more than 100,000 Iraqi civilians had died in the conflict.
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Today-------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 94, Nobel Prize-winning author Doris Lessing is 92, Black Panthers co-founder Bobby Seale is 75, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 73, Actor Derek Jocobi is 73, Actor Tony Roberts is 72, Actress Annette Funicello is 69, Movie Director Jan de Bont is 68, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 68 and Rock musician Leslie West is 66.
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October 22nd is: Make a Difference Day, International Stuttering Awareness Day and Caps Locks Day.
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Larryj
Whooo serves the food on a haunted airliner?
The airplane ghostess.
Today's-------------too funny...............
Eight-year-old Dexter was full of mischief and misbehavior. He was incorrigible. His distraught parents begged their church pastor to intervene. The minister agreed, and arrived at the house the next day, asking to speak with Dexter alone.
"Dexter," he began, "I've come from the church to visit with you. You know where the church is, don't you?"
Dexter made no reply.
"Young man, I'm certain you can tell me where the church is."
No reply.
"I'll ask you one more time. Where is the church?"
Dexter jumped to his feet, bolting from the room and ran to the kitchen where his anxious parents were waiting.
"Help me!" he cried, diving under the table.
"What's going on?" his father demanded.
Dexter whimpered, "The church is missing, and they think I did it!"
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In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.
In 1941, the Walt Disney animated feature "Dumbo" premiered in New York.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by the Watergate special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.
In 1983, 241 U.S. service members, most of them Marines, were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack of French forces killed 58 paratroopers.
In 1995, a jury in Houston convicted Yolanda Saldivar of murdering Tejano singing star Selena. (Saldivar is serving a life prison sentence.)
In 2006, Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling was sentenced by a federal judge in Houston to 24 years, four months for his role in the company's collapse.
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Today-----------Movie director Philip Kaufman is 75, Soccer great Pele is 71, R&B singer Barbara Ann Hawkins is 68 and Actor Michael Rupert is 60.
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October 23rd is: IPod Day, Mother-in-Law Day and National Mole Day.
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Larryj
What is a witch's favorite fish?
spookled trout.
Today's---------------still more (cringe) Halloween Q&A.............
Q: What's the mummy's favorite kind of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why won't skeletons go to scary movies?
A: They have no guts.
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.
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In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
In 1987, 30 years after it was expelled, the Teamsters Union was welcomed back into the AFL-CIO. (However, the Teamsters disaffiliated themselves from the AFL-CIO in 2005.)
In 1991, "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry died in Santa Monica at age 70.
In 2001, The House narrowly passed a $100 billion economic stimulus package.
And, O.J. Simpson was acquitted in Miami of grabbing another driver's glasses and scratching the man's face in a road-rage argument.
In 2005, American officials unveiled a timeline for Iraq's Shite-led government to take specific steps to calm Baghdad and said more U.S. troops might be needed to quell the bloodshed.
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Today-------------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 85, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 75, Movie director-screenwriter David S. Ward is 66, Actor Kevin Kline is 64, Former NAACP President Kweisi Mfume is 63 and Actor F. Murray Abraham is 72.
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October 24th is: United Nations Day, World Development Information Day and Lung Health Day.
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Larryj
What Howl-ooo-ween play did Shake-spear write? Roooo-me-oooo and Gouliet! 8)
Today's-------------hah............
The prospective patient asked the doctor, "Do you guarantee results in your treatment of nerves?"
The doctor answered, "Are you kidding? Last week I treated a fellow for nerves and when I was done he slapped me on the back, called me by my first name and asked if he could borrow 50 bucks!"
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In 1910, "America the Beautiful," with words by Katharine Lee Bates and music by Samuel A. Ward, was first published.
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Today------------------Former American League President Dr. Bobby Brown is 87, Actress Jeanne Cooper is 83, Actress Marion Ross is 83, Country singer Jeanne Black is 74, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bobby Knight is 71, Rock singer Jon Anderson is 67, Political strategist James Carville is 67 and Rock musician Glenn Tipton is 64.
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October 25th is: Sourest Day and XTERRA World Championships.
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Larryj
What does the rooster say at sunrise on Halloween?
Cocka-doodle- boo!
Today's-----------------------so there.............
The henpecked son bought his mother a cemetery plot as a birthday present. She complained about it all year long.
When her next birthday rolled around, she was surprised to receive nothing from him.
"Well, I am disappointed," she told him. "I was expecting you to give something very nice this year, but you forgot my birthday entirely."
The son replied, "I didn't forget. I decided not to give you a gift this year, since you never used the one I got you last year."
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In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way tot he transcontinental telegraph. (The last run of the Pony Express was completed the following month.)
In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.
In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand," in Vietnam.
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Today--------------Former Sen. Edward Brooke III, R-Mass., is 92, Actress Shelley Morrison is 75, Actor Bob Hoskins is 69, Author Pat Conroy is 66, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 66, TV host Pat Sajak is 65, Singer Maggie Roche (The Roches) is 60, Musician Bootsy Collins is 60 and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is 64.
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October 26th is: Diwali, Mule Day and Perigan Spring Tides.
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Larryj
If you break your Jack O' Lantern, how do you repair it?
With a pumpkin patch.
Today's-------------ouch.............
A man placed flowers on his wife's grave. As he straightened and turned to leave, he heard the sounds of moaning and wailing coming from nearby.
Investigating, he found a distraught man on his knees in front of a grave, knotting and unknotting his hands and weeping tears on the ground. He cried, "Why did you die? Oh, why, why, why did you have to die?"
Touched by the sight, the first man went over to console the second man.
"My wife is buried right over there," he said, gesturing behind him. "Is it your wife you're mourning?"
The second man, still sobbing, shook his head and said, "No, it's my wife's first husband."
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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution, was published.
In 1811, inventor Isaac Merritt Singer, founder of the sewing machine company that bears his name, was born in Pittstown, NY.
In 1858, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, was born in New York City.
In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.
In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn: "nylon."
In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio. (It later became a television show on NBC.)
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Today-------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 91, Actress Ruby Dee is 87, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 72, Author Maxine Hong Kingston is 71, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 69, Country singer-musician Jack Daniels is 62, Rock musician Garry Tallent (Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) is 62, Author Fran Lebowitz is 61, Rock musician K.K. Downing is 60 and TV personality Jayne Kennedy is 60.
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October 27th is: Navy Day and Cranky Co-workers Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------oooo, slap in the face time.............
Wee Hughie was dying. His wife, Maggie, knelt by his bedside and asked, tenderly, "Is there anything I can get you, Hughie?"
"No," Wee Hughie said.
"There must be something you would like," Maggie insisted.
Faintly, Wee Hughie answered, "A bit of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice."
"Tsk, selfish man! You can't have that," Maggie said. "You know it's for the funeral!"
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In 1636, the General Court of Massachusetts passed a legislative act establishing Harvard College.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
In 1991, what became known as "The Perfect Storm" began forming hundreds of miles east of Nova Scotia; lost at sea during the storm were the six crew members of the Andrea Gail, a swordfishing boat from Gloucester, Mass.
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Today------------------Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 84, Actress Joan Plowright is 82, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 75, Actress Jane Alexander is 72, Singer Curtis Lee is 70, Actor Dennis Franz is 67, Pop singer Wayne Fontana is 66, Actress Telma Hopkins is 63 and Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 62.
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October 28th is: National Chocolates Day, St. Jude's Day, International Bandana Day, Frankenstein Friday and National Bread Sticks Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Popular food for Halloween night.
Halloweenies and stump water.
Today's-----------hah............
There was a gentleman who never said more than was necessary. He always was brief and to the point.
One day, he responded to a knock on his door. A sales lady representing a line of beauty products asked to see his wife.
"She isn't here," the man said.
The sales lady asked if she could come in and wait. The man directed her to the sitting room.
Three hours later, the sales lady went looking for the gentleman and said, with concern, "May I ask where your wife has gone?"
He said, "The cemetery."
The sales lady asked, "Will she be returning soon?"
The man replied, "Not likely. She's been there eleven years now."
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In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of the U.S. Great Depression.
In 1940, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimpson drew the first number -- 158 -- in America's first peacetime military draft.
In 1960, a chartered plane carrying the Cal Poly football team crashed on takeoff from Toledo, Ohio, killing 22 of the 48 people on board.
In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.
In 1979, on the 50th anniversary of the great stock market crash, anti-nuclear protesters tried but failed to shut down the New York Stock Exchange.
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Today--------------Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne is 74, Country singer Lee Clayton is 69, Rock musician Denny Laine is 67, Singer Melba Moore is 66, Musician Peter Green is 65, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 64 and Actress Kate Jackson is 63.
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October 29th is: Internet Day, National Cat Day, Visit a Cemetery Day and World Psoriasis Day.
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Larryj
On what kind of street are cemeteries always located.
Dead ends
Today's--------------------this one is for Judy.............
The little boy queried the parish priest: "Father, I heard you once say that we all come from dust."
The priest replied: "That is correct. I did say that."
Boy: "And, Father, I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust."
Priest: Yes, I said that, too. And I am proud of you for listening so very well."
Boy: "Well, Father, I wish you would come to our house and look under my bed, because someone is there, and he either is coming or going!"
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In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.
In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.
In 1945, the U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.
In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble in the Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.
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Today-------------Actor Dick Gautier is 74, Movie Director Claude Lelouch is 74, Actor Ed Lauter is 73, Rock singer Grace Slick is 72, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 70, Actor Henry Winkler is 66, Rock musician Chris Slade (Asia) is 65, Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 64, Actor Leon Rippy is 62 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 60.
_____________________________________________________
October 30th is: Haunted Refrigerator Night, National Candy Corn Day, Checklist Day, Create a Great Funeral Day, Devils Night and Reformation Sunday.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
What happened when the huge monster took the 5:00 train home?
The railroad insisted that he give it back.
Today's------------pun intended?
There was a haunted house on the outskirts of town that was avoided at all costs. The ghost that "lived" there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the year by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed only with his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking his chains and bellowing fiercely.
The newsman said, "I mean no harm -- I just want your photograph."
The ghost, flattered, posed happily for a number of shots.
The journalist rushed back to the newspaper and downloaded his photos. Sadly, they all were underexposed. One black square after another.
The newsman swore and kicked his trash can. A colleague said, "Hey, what's the matter?"
The newsman said,
wait for it............................
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.
In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.
In 1941, work was completed on the Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota, begun in 1927.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam, saying he hoped for fruitful peace negotiations.
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Today-------------Actress Lee Grant is 84, Movie critic Andrew Sarris is 83, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 81, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 80, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 74, Actor Ron Rifkin is 72, Actress Sally Kirkland is 70, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 69, Actor Stephen Rea is 65, Actress Deidre Hall is 63 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 61.
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October 31st is: National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-knock Jokes Day, Beggar's Night, Books For Treats Day, Halloween, National Magic Day, National UNICEF Day and Samhain.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Last one and one of the oldest third grade jokes.
Why do cemeteries always have a wall around them?
Because people are always dying to get in.
Happy Halloween everybody!
Today's----------blond joke?
Some people have no clue about the simplest things. There was the young coed, for example, who spotted a shiny silver Thermos at the store. She was fascinated. She took it to the clerk and asked what it was. The clerk said, "It's a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," the coed said. She bought the Thermos and took it to school the next day. One of her teachers happened to notice it.
"Nice Thermos," the teacher said.
The coed said, "Yes, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The teacher said, "I know. So, what do you have in there now?"
The coed answered, "Two Popsicles and some coffee!"
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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.
In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.
In 1968, the Motion Picture Association of America unveiled its new voluntary film rating system: G for general, M for mature (later changed to GP, then PG), R for restricted and X (later changed to NC-17) for adults only.
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Today------------------------Actress Betsy Palmer is 85, Golfer Gary Player is 76, Country singer Bill Anderson is 74, Actress Barbara Bosson is 72, Actor Robert Foxworth is 70, Actress Marsha Wallace is 69, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 69, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 67, Actress Jeannie Berlin is 62, Music producer David Foster is 62 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Ronald Khalis Bell (Kool and the Gang) is 60.
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November 1st is: All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day and National Go Cook For Your Pets Day.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------another oops..........
The patient in Room 402 was scheduled to be discharged from the hospital. The student nurse entered the room with a wheelchair and exchanged greetings with the gentleman she found there. The man was dressed and holding a suitcase. Noting the wheelchair, he assured her that no assistance would be needed.
The student nurse explained to him that it was a matter of hospital regulations, and she firmly helped him into the wheelchair, and rolled him to the elevator.
On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, NJ.
In 1861, during the civil war, President Abraham Lincoln relieved Maj. Gen. John C. Fremont of his command of the Army's Department of the West based in St. Louis, following Fremont's unauthorized efforts to emancipate slaves in Missouri.
In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (derisively dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors), on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.
In 1979, black militant JoAnne Chesimard escaped from a New Jersey prison, where she'd been serving a life sentence for the 1973 slaying of a New Jersey state trooper, Werner Foerster. (Chesimard, who took the name Assata Shakur, is believed to be living in Cuba.)
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Today-------------Actress Ann Rutherford is 94, R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll is 74, Singer Jay Black is 73, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 73, Actress Stefanie Powers is 69, Author Shere Hite is 69, Rock musician Keith Emerson is 67, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 66 and Actress Kate Linder is 64.
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November 2nd is: All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Traffic Directors Day.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------just for Warph.............
Wife's diary: My husband is acting weird. He came home from his golf game yesterday and hardly said two words all evening. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset. I told him that I loved him. He said, "You, too."
He seemed distracted. It's like he wasn't there. I don't know why he wouldn't say, "I love you" instead of just "You, too." Sometimes I feel like I'm losing him.
Finally, after a long evening of watching television in silence, we went to bed. He fell asleep immediately. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a complete disaster.
Husband's diary: A four putt! Who four putts?
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In 1900, the first major automobile show opened in New York's Madison Square Garden under the auspices of the Automobile Club of America.
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Today---------------Actress Lois Smith is 81, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael S. Dukakis is 78, Actor-dancer Ken Berry is 78, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 72, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 65 and Singer Lulu is 63.
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November 3rd is: Cliche Day, National Men Make Dinner Day and Sandwich Day.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------kind of a Murphy's thing..............
1. Law of Hindrance: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of Gravity: Any small object, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of Negative Results: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), it will slow to a crawl while the one you were in will begin to move smoothly.
6. Law of Mechanics: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
7. Law of the Takeaway: As soon as you find a TV show or product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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In 1924, Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first female governor to serve out the remaining term of her late husband, William B. Ross.
In 1952, Dwight D. Eisenhower was elected president defeating Democrat Adlai Stevenson.
In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, CA., with a dedication attended by President George H.W. Bush and former presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald R. Ford and Richard Nixon -- the first-ever gathering of five past and present U.S. chief executives.
In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.
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Today-------------Actress Doris Roberts is 81, Actress Loretta Swit is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Harry Elston (Friends of Distinction) is 73, Blues singer Delbert McClinton is 71, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 65 and Actress Markie Post is 61.
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November 4th is: National Medical Liason Awareness and Appreciation Day, National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Pumpkin Chunkin Day (4-6).
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------hah............
Three doctors approach the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first one, "What have you done to merit entrance to Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician. I brought thousands of young souls into the world."
"Good enough," St. Peter says, bowing in welcome. He asks the second doctor the same question.
The doctor says, "I'm a general practitioner. I visited third-world countries three times a year to minister to the sick and poor."
St. Peter is impressed and welcomes him to the Holy City.
The third doctor steps up in line and, knowing the question, blurts out, "I'm the director of an HMO."
St. Peter ponders this for a moment, then says, "Fine. You many enter Heaven. But only for three days and two nights."
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In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena completing the first transcontinental airplane trip in 49 days.
Also, Singing cowboy star Roy Rogers was born Leonard Slye in Cincinnati, Ohio.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Willkie.
In 1968, Richard M. Nixon won the presidency, defeating Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey.
In 1991, death claimed publishing magnate Robert Maxwell at age 68 and actor Fred MacMurray at age 83.
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Today------------------Actor Chris Robinson is 73, Actress Elke Sommer is 71, Singer Art Garfunkel is 70, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 68 and Singer Peter Noone is 64.
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November 5th is: Sadie Hawkins Day.
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Larryj
Remember, remember the 5th of November. Guy Fawkes!
Today's-----------another third grader..............
Can you believe what grandparents have to put with?
Poor Gramps was dozing in his chair one afternoon when Ricky, his 9-year-old grandson, ran into the room and tugged him awake.
"Grampa, I have an important question for you," he said.
"What is it, Ricky?"
"If a rooster lays an egg while a strong wind is blowing from east to west, which direction will the egg fall?"
"Why, the egg will drop straight down in either case."
"Ha ha, Grampa! You're wrong. Roosters don't lay eggs!"
(sorry)
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In 1860, former Illinois Congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency: John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.
In 1861, James Naismith, the inventor of the sport of basketball, was born in Almonte, Ontario, Canada.
In 1888, Benjamin Harrison won the presidential election, defeating incumbent Grover Cleveland with enough electoral votes, even though Cleveland led in the popular vote.
In 1977, 39 people were killed when the Kelly Barnes Dam burst, sending a wall of water through Toccoa Falls College in Georgia.
In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot in Southern California was destroyed in an arson fire.
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Today---------Director Mike Nichols is 80, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 79, Singer Eugene Pitt is 74, Singer P.J. Proby is 73, Country singer Guy Clark is 70, Actress Sally Field is 65, Pop singer-musician Glenn Frey is 63, Singer Rory Block is 62 and Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 62.
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November 6th is: International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflicts, Daylight Savings Time Ends, Saxophone Day and Zero Tasking Day.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------more of a story than a joke.............
A long time ago, in St. Louis, our family had a banquet restaurant. One day I was arranging a 50th anniversary party for a nice lady and her husband. As we visited, we became like old friends. My wife Delores and I had been married 10 years at the time. I asked my new friend, "What does it take to stay married to a person for 50 years?"
The lady replied, "I'll tell you a little secret. You know that old bunk about 50-50? It's not 50-50. It's 90-10."
I had to ask her, "Who gets the 90?"
She answered, "That's the secret! The longer you have been living together the easier it becomes to know when to give the 90 ....
and when to take it."
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In 1811, U.S. forces led by Indiana Territory Governor William Henry Harrison defeated warriors from Tecumseh's Confederacy in the Battle of Tippecanoe.
In 1916, Republican Jeannette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.
In 1962, Richard Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."
In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico, at age 50.
In 1991, basketball star Magic Johnson announced he had tested positive for the AIDS virus, and was retiring. (Despite his HIV status, Johnson has been able to sustain himself with medication.)
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Today-------------Evangelist Billy Graham is 93, Actor Barry Newman is 73, Singer Johnny Rivers is 69 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 68.
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November 7th is: Job Action Day and National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------------old, but funny.........
A deeply religious man climbs to the roof of his house as a terrible flood ravages the town. Presently, a rescue boat approaches but the man waves it away. "God will save me," he calls out.
The flood waters continue to rise. Hours later, another boat arrives. Again, the man waves it away. "God will save me!"
The flood waters rise even higher. A third boat approaches. Again, it is refused. "God will save me!"
Finally, the house is overcome and the man perishes. He goes to hell and stands before the Devil. "Why didn't God save me?" he asks.
The Devil replies, "Fool. He sent three boats. Three times he tried to save you. Three times you turned him down."
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In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.
In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.
In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.
In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager 1 had discovered a 15th moon orbiting Saturn.
In 1988, Vice President George H.W. Bush won the presidential election, defeating Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis.
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Today---------------Singer Patti Page is 84, CBS Newsman Morley Safer is 80, Singer-actress Bonnie Bramlett is 67, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 62 and TV personality Mary Hart is 61.
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November 8th is: Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, Election Day, X-Ray Day and National Parents As Teachers Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------third grader?.........
The Pilgrims were so literal. They always had to be careful about what they said. Occasionally, there were problems.
Pilgrim John: I see thou art cleaning thy hunting gear for the morrow. Dost thou plan on hunting bear?
Pilgrim Samuel: Certainly not, Pilgrim John, I am shocked that thou wouldest even suggest it. I shall wear clothing as usual!
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In 1961, U.S. Air Force Maj. Robert M. White became the first pilot to fly an X-15 rocket plane at six times the speed of sound.
In 1961, The Beatles future manager, Brian Epstein, first saw the group perform at the Cavern Club in Liverpool, England.
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Today-----------------------Baseball Hall-of-Fame Whitey Herzog is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 76, Actor Charlie Robinson is 66, Actor Robert David Hall ("CSI") is 63 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 60.
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November 9th is: Kristallnacht and National Young Reader's Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------a little late, had a dentist appointment..............
The seniors are sitting around discussing their various ailments.
"My arms are so weak, I can barely hold this cup of coffee," says one.
Says another, "Are you kidding? My eyes are so bad, I can't even see my coffee cup any more."
A third joins in, "Speak up! I'm deaf, you know. Can't hear a thing."
"Who said that?" says one. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis."
Says another, "I can hardly move at all. My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy."
Another old gent chimes in, "Half the time I don't remember whether I took my pills or not. I forget where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going."
Everyone shakes their heads, sorrowfully.
An old woman pipes up, "Come on, let's count our blessings. At least, we can all still drive!"
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In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without having to go through an operator.
In 1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial, depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Virginia.
In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" make it's debut on National Educational Television (later PBS.)
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Today---------Actor Russell Johnson is 87, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 83, Actor Albert Hall is 74, Country singer Donna Fargo is 70, Sen. Saxby Chambliss, R-Ga., is 68, Lyricist Tim Rice is 67, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 64, Actress dancer Ann Reinking is 62, Actor Jack Scalia is 61 and American Indian activist Russell Means is 72.
(Note: Donna Fargo used to teach at our local high school before she became a country singer. Both of my kids attended that school, but after she had already left.)
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November 10th is: Marine Corps Birthday, Area Code Day and Sesame Street Day.
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Larryj
Quote from: larryJ on November 10, 2011, 02:48:46 PM
In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without having to go through an operator.
"Long-distance"?
"Operator"?
Please explain what these terms mean. I'd look them up on my Motorola 4G but I don't have any bars. :D :D :D
In 1951, in most families a long distance call whether dialed or operator assisted was an absolute no-no unless someone was dead or dying.
:D I can remember when Southwest Bell dug a trench along the front of our yard and piled all the dirt on the corner. My friends and I played a lot of "King of the Mountain" on that pile of dirt. That was the beginning of dial service in that town.
Another story: When I was a kid, my older brothers had gone away to college and the Army. It was just my mother and me. We lived in Artesia, NM, some 400+ miles from Howard. One time she got very ill and ask me to call my grandmother in Howard and tell her that she needed someone to come and stay for a while. (Get ready, flint). I picked up the phone, waited for the operator, asked for the long distance operator and told her I wanted to place a call to Howard, Kansas. She asked me what number in Howard did I want. I was young, didn't know no numbers, so I told her I just wanted to speak to Howard, Kansas. She was frustrated with me, but did ring the main switchboard in Howard. What she didn't know was that my Aunt Bernadine was the operator there. I got my message through and another aunt and my grandmother were on the next bus to us. Even in my old and graying years, I can still remember our phone number...............J508. The phone company assigned numbers with the first letter of your last name and the street address number. ;D
Larryj
P.S. If you would have told me then that I would be carrying a smart phone in my pocket that I get e-mail on, arrange my calendar on, play games on, use a navigator to tell me where I am and where I want to go, keep in touch with people by texting, I would have asked the local loony bin to lock you up. ;)
I can recall that on those mounds of construction dirt that the phone and other utility companies left on roadways were marked for nighttime safety purposes with small round black smudge pots. These pots were filled with a fuel of some type and had a small leisure flame coming out the top to warn motorists.
On weekends when the workers were off the pots would naturally burn during the daytime. Some young neighborhood idiots would toss the pots over into the ditch.
This inconsiderate action left motorists vulnerable to hitting the dirt mounds during the next night.
(http://i941.photobucket.com/albums/ad256/waldoegray/Pots.jpg)
When I moved back to Arizona in 1959 we still had to go through the operator to place a call to anywhere and the phone that was closest to the ranch we were on was Horn 1 and Horn 2, the next closest was Palomas 1 and then the service station on the highway was Dateland 1. Always had to argue with any operator out of Arizona to get a call through.
I believe yesterday was also the anniversary of the loss of the Edmund Fitzgerald with all 29 on board in 1975.
(I seem to remember those smudge pots having a mixture of oil and kerosene, maybe)
Today's-------------------Questions to ponder
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you "put in your two cents" but you only get "a penny for your thoughts"? Where is that extra penny going?
How important do people have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up and cry every two hours?
Why do actors appear IN movies, but ON television.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick."
In 1831, former slave Nat Turner who'd led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Virginia.
In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.
In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in a ceremony presided over by President Warren G. Harding.
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Today---------------Dancer-choreographer Nicholas Royce is 86, Comedian Jonathan Winters is 86, Jazz singer-musician Mose Allison is 84, Author Carlos Fuentes is 83, Actress Bibi Anderson is 76, Country singer Narvel Felts is 73 and Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 60.
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November 11th is: Death/Duty Day and Veterans Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------what?.........wait............huh?
Little Billy's mother Mary was an English teacher who always cautioned him against ending a sentence with a preposition.
Mary believed in the importance of books and reading, and she made it her practice to read a bedtime story to Billy each night. One day, though, Billy was extra tired and said he would skip the bedtime story that night.
But Mary forgot. While Billy was brushing his teeth, he noticed his mom ascending the stairs with a book in hand, preparing to read to him.
And Billy forgot everything he ever had learned about ending a sentence with a preposition. He said, "Mom! What did you bring a book I told you I didn't want to read to out of up for?"
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In 1815, American suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton was born in Johnstown, NY.
In 1936, the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opened as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a telegraph key in Washington, D.C., giving the green light to traffic.
In 1942, the World War II naval Battle of Guadalcanal began. (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)
In 1977, the city of New Orleans elected its first black mayor, Ernest "Dutch" Morial, the winner of a runoff.
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Today----------------Rhythm-and-Blues singer Ruby Nash Curtis is 72, Actor-playwright Wallace Shawn is 68, Singer Brian Hyland is 68, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Jimmy Hayes is 68, Rock musician Booker T. Jones is 67, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 67, Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 66, Rock musician Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser is 64 and Country/gospel singer Barbara Fairchild is 61.
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November 12th is: National Gaming Day (Libraries), Domino Day and National Donor Sabbath Days (12-14).
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Larryj
Today's--------------well, okay............
Two women were discussing this and that.
Said one, "Dumb blondes? Please! The dumb blonde in my family is my husband!
Said the other, "What do you mean?"
The first replied, "True story. One day he decided to do some laundry. He wanted to wear his favorite sweatshirt and it was in the dirty clothes hamper. So he puts it in the washing machine, adds detergent and turns on the water. A few seconds later, he shouts at me, 'What setting do I use?' I call back, 'It depends. What does it say on your shirt?' He shouts back, 'OHIO STATE!' Can you believe it?"
The second woman laughs and says, "That's the funniest dumb blonde joke I've ever heard."
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In 1849, voters in California ratified the state's original constitution.
In 1909, 259 men and boys were killed when fire erupted inside a coal mine in Cherry, Illinois.
In 1940, the Walt Disney animated movie "Fantasia" had its world premiere in New York.
In 1974, Karen Silkwood, a technician and union activist at the Kerr-McGee Cimarron plutonium plant near Crescent, Oklahoma, died in a car crash while on her way to meet a reporter.
In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.
In 2001, President George W. Bush approved the use of a special military tribunal that could put accused terrorists on trial faster and in greater secrecy than an ordinary criminal court.
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Today------------Actress Madeline Sherwood is 89, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 77, Producer-director Garry Marshall is 77, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 70, Country singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is 65, Actor Joe Mantegna is 64 and Actress Sheila Frazier is 63.
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November 13th is: International Tongue-twister Day and World Kindness Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------story time again, and I think I have heard it before............
Whether or not it's true it's a good story.
Britain's Prime Minister Winston Churchill once found himself in a heated debate with a female member of the Parliament, the story goes.
The lady MP ultimately became so irate with Churchill that she declared, "If you were my husband, I would poison your tea!"
Churchill replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would gladly drink it."
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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick; Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.
In 1881, Charles J. Guiteau went on trial for assassinating President James A. Garfield. (Guiteau was convicted and hanged the following year.)
In 1910, Eugene B. Ely became the first aviator to take off from a ship as his Curtiss pusher rolled off a sloping platform on the deck of the scout cruiser USS Birmingham off Hampton Roads, Virginia.
In 1944, Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra recorded "Opus No. 1" for RCA Victor.
In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
In 1970, a chartered Southern Airways DC-9 crashed while trying to land in Huntington, West Virginia, killing all 75 people on board, including the Marshall University football team and its coaching staff.
In 1972, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time, ending the day at 1,003.16.
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Today-------------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 83, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 78, Jazz musician Ellis Marsalis is 77, Composer Wendy Carlos is 72, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 64, Singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeco is 64, Britain's Prince Charles is 63, Rock singer-musician James Young (Styx) is 62 and Singer Stephen Bishop is 60.
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November 14th is: National Girls Day, Spirit of NSA (National Speakers Association) Day, Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, Universal Children's Day, World Diabetes Day and World Orphan's Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------good one............
A woman brought her motionless duck, Cuddles, to the veterinarian. The doc examined the duck, then said, "I'm sorry, but Cuddles is dead."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure? Are there other tests you can do?"
The vet left the room and returned with a Labrador Retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out of the room, the returned with a tabby cat. The cat delicately sniffed the bird from head to tail, then shook his head, meowing softly.
The vet wrote on his clipboard, then presented the woman with a bill for $300.
The woman, still in shock, protested, "$300?! Just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet replied, "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it comes to $300."
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In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Pike's Peak in present day Colorado.
In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1966, the flight of Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. splashed down in the Atlantic.
In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.
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Today--------------Judge Joseph Wagner is 92, Statesman Howard H. Baker Jr. is 86, Singer Petula Clark is 79, Comedian Jack Burns is 78, Actress Joanna Barnes is 77, Actor Yaphet Kotto is 72, Actor Sam Waterston is 71, Classical conductor Daniel Barenbolm is 69, Pop singer Frida (ABBA) is 66 and Actor Bob Gunton is 66.
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November 15th is: America Recycles Day, I Love To Write Day and National Bundt (Pan) Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------------sounds familiar, maybe a repeat..............
The city slicker had a terrifying experience that made him fear for his life. He decided to try riding a horse. He managed to saddle up OK, but then the horse started bucking and trying throw him off.
The city slicker tried with all his might to hang on, but eventually he slid off his mount. Unfortunately, his foot became caught in the stirrup. His head and shoulders were bouncing on the ground. He screamed and yelled for help. The horse would not slow down or stop.
Just as the city slicker was about to give up hope for his life ------ a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug.
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In 1933, the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
In 1959, the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical "The Sound of Music" opened on Broadway.
In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died in Los Angeles at age 59.
In 1973, Skylab 4, carrying a crew of three astronauts, was launched from Cape Canaveral on an 84-day mission.
In 1981, the Senate confirmed Dr. C. Everett Koop to be surgeon general.
And, Oscar-winning actor William Holden, 63, was found dead in his Santa Monica apartment.
And, on the ABC-TV soap opera "General Hospital," Laura Webber (played by Genie Francis) married Luke Spencer (played by Anthony Geary.)
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Today-------------Actor Clu Gulager is 83, Blues musician Hubert Sumlin is 80, Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 76, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 72, Actor Steve Railsback is 66, Actor David Leisure is 61 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 60.
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November 16th is: International Day For Tolerance and National Educational Support Professionals Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------old..........gonna find a new source.............
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door The man gets up, goes to the door, then returns in a moment and gets back in bed.
"It was just a drunk," he tells his wife. "He said he needed a push."
"Did you help him?"
"No. I told him to get lost. It's 3 in the morning and it's pouring rain. And the guy is drunk."
"That's not very charitable. Remember, God loves drunks, too."
The man, ashamed, gets up, gets dressed, goes out in the pounding rain and calls, "Hello, are you still here?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing."
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In 1934, Lyndon Baines Johnson married Claudia Alta Taylor, better known as Lady Bird, in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
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Today------------Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 73, Singer-songwriter Bob Gaudio is 70, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 69, Actress Lauren Hutton is 68, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tom Seaver is 67, Former Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean is 63, House Speaker John Boehner is 62, Actor Stephen Root is 60 and Actor Danny Devito is 67.
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November 17th is: World Prematurity Awareness Day, Guinness World Record Day, Homemade Bread Day, Great American Smokeout, Geographic Information Systems Day and National Unfriend Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------Golden quotations................
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
John Adams
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then, I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul
George Bernard Shaw
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the major ones to public office.
Aesop
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In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse premiered in New York.
In 1966, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent.
In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-CA, and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.
In 1987, the congressional Iran-Contra committees issued their final report, saying President Ronald Reagan bore "ultimate responsibility" for wrongdoing by his aides.
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Today-------------Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 72, Author-Poet Margaret Atwood is 72, Actress Linda Evans is 69, Country singer Jackie Ward is 65, Actress-singer Andrea Marcovicci is 63 and Singer Graham Parker is 61.
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November 18th is: Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push-Button Phone Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------probably gonna get slapped for this one....................
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there.
"Is there a problem?" the guy asks.
One of the deputies asks, "Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Can you show us a picture of your wife?"
"Sure," the guy says. He pulls out his wallet and shows the deputies a picture of his wife.
The deputy says, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, sir, but it appears your wife has been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and she's an excellent cook."
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the sire of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.
In 1919, the Senate rejected the Treaty of Versailles by a vote of 55 in favor, 39 against, short of the two-thirds needed for ratification.
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Today-------------Actor Alan Young is 92, Talk show host Larry King is 78, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 75, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 73, Singer Pete Moore is 72, Actor Dan Haggerty is 70, Fashion designer Calvin Klein is 69 and Sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 62.
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November 19th is: Family Volunteer Day, Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day), Use Less Stuff Day, National Adoption Day, National Day of Play, National Survivors of Suicide Day and World Toilet Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------third grader..............
Two young boys are talking about Thanksgiving.
Willy: "Where are you going to have Thanksgiving dinner?"
Billy: "We're going to my Aunt's house, and I can hardly wait. My cousin has three feet!"
Willy: "You're kidding."
Billy: "No, it's true."
Willy: "How did that happen?"
Billy: "I don't know. My Aunt and my Mom were talking on the telephone and my Aunt said, "By the way, you won't recognize little Howie any more. He's grown another foot!"
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In 1959, the United Nations issued its Declaration of the Rights of the Child.
In 1967, the U.S. Census Bureau's Population Clock at the Commerce Department ticked past 200 million.
In 1969, the Nixon administration announced a halt to residential use of the pesticide DDT as part of a total phase-out.
In 1985, the first version of Microsoft's Windows operating system, Windows 1.0, was officially released.
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Today-----------------Nobel Prize-winning author Nadine Gordimer is 88, Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 86, Actress Estelle Parsons is 84, TV personality Richard Dawson is 79, Comedian Dick Smothers is 73, Singer Norman Greenbaum is 69, Vice President Joe Biden is 69, Actress Veronica Hamel is 68, Broadcast journalist Judy Woodruff is 65, Singer Joe Walsh is 64 and Actor Richard Masur is 63.
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November 20th is: African Industrialization Day, Children's Day, Name Your PC Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day and World Day Of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims.
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Larryj
Today's----------------Thanksgiving quotations......................
Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Halftime of the football game on TV takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
George Carlin
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.
Kevin James
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In 1922, Rebecca L. Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.
In 1931, the Universal horror film "Frankenstein," starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin Clive as his creator, was first released.
In 1973, President Nixon's attorney, J. Fred Buzhardt, revealed the existence of an 18-1/2-minute gap in one of the White House tape recordings related to Watergate.
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Today-------------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial is 91, Actor Joseph Campanella is 84, Actress Marlo Thomas is 74, Actor Rick Lenz is 72, Singer Dr. John is 71, Actress Juliet Mills is 70, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Earl Monroe is 67, Comedian-director Harold Ramis is 67, Actress Goldie Hawn is 66 and Rock musician Lonnie Jordan (War) is 63.
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November 21st is: World Hello Day, World Television Day and Alascattalo Day (about Alaska and humor).
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Larryj
Today's---------------sounds logical, I think................
Two pilgrims are hunting. One carries two muskets.
Caleb: "Why dost thou carry two muskets, Goodman Miles?"
Miles: "Alas, it doth often happen that I miss my first shot. If I carry two muskets, I mayest shoot again."
Caleb: "Why dost thou not carry thy second musket only? Then thou wouldest have to shoot but once."
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In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda, California, carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated during a motorcade in Dallas; Texas Governor John B. Connally was seriously wounded. A suspect, Lee Harvey Oswald, was arrested.
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Today------------Movie director Arthur Hiller is 88, Actor Robert Vaughn is 79, Actor Michael Callan is 76, Animator and movie director Terry Gilliam is 71, Actor Tom Conti is 70, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 70, Astronaut Guion Bluford is 69, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billie Jean King is 68, Rock musician-actor Steve Van Zandt (a.k.a. Little Steven) is 61, Rock musician Tina Weymouth is 61 and Retired MLB All-Star Greg Luzinski is 61.
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November 22nd is: Humane Society Anniversary Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------------more Thanksgiving............
Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: One, but you really have to squeeze him in!
Q: What are unhappy cranberries called?
A: Blueberries!
Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.
Q: What did the mother turkey say to he unruly children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco, at the Palais Royale Saloon.
In 1936, Life, the photojournalism magazine created by Henry R. Luce, was first published.
In 1943, during World War II, U.S. forces seized control of Tarawa and Makin Atolls from the Japanese.
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Today--------------Former Labor Secretary William E. Brock is 81, Actress Elmarie Wendell is 79, Actor Franco Nero is 70, Actress Susan Anspach is 69, Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas is 67, Actor-comedy writer Bruce Vilanch is 64 and Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-NY, is 61.
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November 23rd is: Dr. Who Day, Fibonacci Day and Tie One On Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------annual Thanksgiving joke.........
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
Step 2: Return home, take a drink of whiskey.
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4: Take another drink of whiskey.
Step 5: Turn the oven to 375 degrees.
Step 6: Take another drink of whiskey.
Step 7: Turk the bastey.
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer.
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off the pick.
Step 14: Turk the carvey.
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
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In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.
In 1971, a hijacker calling himself "Dan Cooper" (but who became popularly known as "D.B. Cooper") parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 somewhere over the Pacific Northwest after receiving $200,000 in ransom -- his fate remains unknown.
In 1991, rock singer Freddie Mercury died in London at age 45 of AIDS-related pneumonia.
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Today-------------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson is 73, Country singer Johnny Carver is 71, Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is 71, Rock and Roll drummer Pete Best (originally with the Beatles before they became famous) is 70, Rock musician Donald "Duck" Dunn (Booker T. and the MG's) is 70, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 69, Singer Lee Michaels is 66, Actor Dwight Schultz is 64 and Actor Stanley Livingston is 61.
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November 24th is: Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day, D.B. Cooper Day, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving.
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Larryj
In reference to D.B. Cooper, a news release of about three hours ago maintains that a Cooper Research Team (CRT) had found more evidence on the tie left behind by Cooper on the hijacked plane. Their find indicated very small traces of pure titanium, and also aluminum, stainless steel and minute particles of bismuth.
Supposedly, this find would channel the FBI onto new avenues of investigation.
The FBI allowed the private team to examine the tie.
Today's-----------------Black Friday..............
It was the day of the big sale. A long line formed before daybreak in front of the store. As opening time neared, the crowd grew restless. Suddenly, a small man pushed his way to the front of the line. But he was pushed back and subjected to a great number of curses and insults. He tried again, pushing through the crowd, but again he was rebuffed. He was punched in the jaw, knocked around several times, and finally sent sprawling. He picked himself up and announced, irately, "OK, I'm going to try one more time. If anyone else hits me, I won't open the store!"
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In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.
In 1940, the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker made his debut in the animated short, "Knock Knock."
In 1961, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, the USS Enterprise, was commissioned.
In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery; his widow, Jacqueline, lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.
In 1999, 5-year-old Elian Gonzales was rescued by a pair of sport fishermen off the coast of Florida, setting off an international custody battle.
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Today------- Actress Noel Neill is 91, Actress Kathryn Crosby is 78, Singer Percy Sledge is 71, Pro Football Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs is 71, Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 67, Actor John Larroquette is 64, Actor Tracey Walter is 64 and Retired MLB All-Star Bucky Dent is 60.
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November 25th is: International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day (25-26), Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day of Listening, Shopping Reminder Day, Sinkie Day, You're Welcoming Day and National Native American Heritage Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----------------smart............
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Tony Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl?"
"I promised I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Angela Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Tina Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Teresa Capelli?"
"I cannot name her."
"Was it Maria Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Eva DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Tony walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months of vacation and five good leads!"
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In 1789, this was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1842, the founders of the University of Notre Dame arrived at the school's present-day site near South Bend, Indiana.
In 1941, U.S. Secretary of State Cordell Hull delivered a note to Japan's ambassador to the United States, Kichisaburo Nomura, proposing an agreement for "lasting and extensive peace throughout the Pacific area." The same day, a Japanese task force consisting of six aircraft carriers left the Kuril Islands, headed for Hawaii.
In 1973, President Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she'd accidentally caused part of the 18 1/2-minute gap in a key Watergate tape.
In 1986, President Ronald Reagan appointed a commission to investigate his National Security Council staff in the wake of the Iran-Contra affair.
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Today----------------Actress Ellen Albertini Dow is 98, Impressionist Rich Little is 73, Singer Tina Turner is 72, Singer Jean Terrell is 67, Pop musician John McVie is 66 and Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 63.
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November 26th is: International Aura Awareness Day, Small Business Saturday and Islamic New Year.
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Larryj
Today's------------us seniors are richer than we think we are.............
I am rich in natural resources.
Silver in the hair.
Gold in the teeth.
Crystals in the kidneys.
Sugar in the blood.
Iron in the arteries.
And..............................
An inexhaustible supply of natural gas!
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In 1910, New York's Pennsylvania Station officially opened.
In 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights activist, were shot to death inside City Hall by former supervisor Dan White.
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Today---------------------Actor James Avery is 63 and Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow (Film: "The Hurt Locker") is 60.
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November 27th is: National Day Of Listening.
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Larryj
Today's--------------old, but funny, and true..............
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that soup is gone."
My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're as bad as your father."
My mother taught me JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
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In 1861, the Confederate Congress admitted Missouri as the 12th state of the Confederacy after Missouri's disputed secession from the Union.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy dedicated the original permanent headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, Virginia.
And, Ernie Davis of Syracuse University became the first African-American football player to be named winner of the Heisman Trophy.
In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course to Mars.
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Today--------------Recording executive Berry Gordy Jr. is 82, Former Sen. Gary Hart, D-Colo., is 75, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 65, Movie director Joe Dante is 64, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 62, Actor Ed Harris is 61 and Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 60.
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November 28th is: Cyber Monday.
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Larryj
Today's-----------ouch............
Lying in his hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, standing watch, gently leaned over and asked, "Do you have something you want to say?"
The man nodded frantically.
The priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
The man scrawled on the pad and pressed it into the priest's hands. Then he died.
After administering last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. He handed her the note.
"Here are his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message."
The wife tearfully opened the note, which read,
"GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!"
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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1929, Navy Lt. Cmdr. Richard E. Byrd, pilot Bernt Balchen, radio operator Harold June and photographer Ashley McKinney made the first airplane flight over the South Pole.
In 1961, Enos the chimp was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas 5 spacecraft, which orbited Earth twice before returning.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, at age 43.
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Former French President Jacques Chirac is 79, Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 78, Actress Diane Ladd is 76, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 71, Pop singer-musician Felix Cavaliere (The Rascals) is 69, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 65 and Comedian Garry Shandling is 62.
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November 29th is: Electronics Greeting Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Aha..........
The Christmas season was in full swing and Judge McDermotty was in a jolly mood. He asked the day's first defendant to stand before the court and state his offense.
The man stood and said, "I did my Christmas shopping too early."
Judge McDermotty said, "Why, that is no crime at all. I don't understand why you even were arrested. How early did you do your Christmas shopping?"
The defendant replied, "Before the store opened."
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, MO.
In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.
In 1960, the last DeSoto was built by Chrysler which had decided to retire the brand after 32 years.
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Today----------Historian Jacques Barzun is 104, Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 93, Actor Robert Guillianume is 84, TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 82, Movie director Ridley Scott is 74, Rock musician Roger Glover (Deep Purple) is 66, Playwright David Mamet is 64 and Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 81.
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November 30th is: Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day, Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting Day and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------gotcha..............
At the train station, three men are in line to buy tickets. They're on their way to the big game in the city. In front of them, three women buy a single ticket. After they board the train, the three men ask the three women how they manage to travel with only one ticket between them.
"Watch and learn," one woman says, as all three of them leave their seats and cram into the restroom at the back of the car. Shortly, the conductor appears and collects tickets. When he gets to the restroom, he knocks and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single hand emerges with a ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The three men, impressed, decide to try the same trick on the return trip. At the station they buy a single ticket. They also encounter the three women, who disclose that they are traveling without any ticket at all. The men ask how that is possible.
"Watch and learn," one woman says.
When they board the train, the three men cram into the restroom at one end of the car, and the women cram into the restroom at the other end.
When the train gets under way, one of the women leaves the one restroom and walks to the other restroom. She knocks on the door and says, in a low, gruff voice, "Ticket, please!"
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In 1860, the Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" was first published in weekly serial form.
In 1921, the Navy flew the first nonrigid dirigible to use helium; the C-7 traveled from Hampton Roads, VA, to Washington, D.C.
In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested after refusing to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus; the incident sparked a year-long boycott of the buses by blacks.
In 1969, the U.S. government held its first draft lottery since World War II.
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Today-------------Singer Billy Paul is 77, Actor-director Woody Allen is 76, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 72, Singer Dianne Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 72, Country musician Casey Van Beek (The Tractors) is 69, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 67, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 66, Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 65 and Actor Treat Williams is 60.
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December 1st is: Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, Special Kids Day and World AIDS Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------funny.......
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs, where she finds him sitting at the table, lost in thought.
She asks, "What's the matter, dear?"
He wipes a tear from his eye and says, "I'm just remembering when we started dating 20 years ago. We were so young. Do you remember?"
She says, smiling tenderly, "You're so sweet. Of course, I do."
He sighs, then says, "Do you remember how your dad caught us on the front porch swing that one night?"
She pats him on the shoulder and says, "Yes, I remember."
"And remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too."
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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In 1823, President James Monroe outlined his doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere.
In 1927, Ford Motor Co. unveiled its Model A automobile that replaced its Model T.
In 1939, New York Municipal Airport-LaGuardia Field (later LaGuardia Airport) went into operation as an airliner from Chicago landed at one minute past midnight.
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Today------------Actress Julie Harris is 86, Former Attorney General Edwin Meese III is 80, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., is 72, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 67, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 66, Actor Ron Raines is 62 and Country singer John Wesley Ryles is 61.
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December 2nd is: International Day For The Abolition of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------ ::)
Hubby drinks orange juice every morning and he always shakes the bottle a certain way. It took his wife a long time to figure it out.
She says, "Dear, you always shake the orange juice an even number of times. Sometimes it's six times, sometimes it's eight times, sometimes it's ten times, but it's always an even number. Did you know that?"
Hubby says, "Yes, I tried doing it a different way once, and it tasted odd.
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In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected president of the United States by the Electoral College.
In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where the British rock group, The Who, was performing.
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Today--------------------------Singer Andy Williams is 84, Movie director Jean-Luc Sodard is 81, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 80, Actor Nicolas Coster is 78, Actress Mary Alice is 70, Actress Heather Menzies is 62 and Rock singer Mickey Thomas is 62.
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December 3rd is: Earmuff Day Or Chester Greenwood Day, International Day Of Disabled Persons and Skywarn Recognition Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------aha.......
Mr. Adam had been absent from church for several weeks. The pastor paid a visit to his home and knocked on the door. Several times.
Though it was obvious that someone was home, no one came to the door.
The pastor wrote a short note and left it behind. The note read, "And the Lord God called unto Adam and said to him, 'Where art thou?' (Genesis 3:9)."
Next week Mr. Adam attended church. After the service he greeted the pastor and pressed a note into his hand. It was the pastor's original note, but underneath the pastor's message Mr. Adam had written, "And he said, 'I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.' (Genesis 3:10)."
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Taven in New York, telling them, "With a heart full of love and gratitude I now take leave of you."
In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.
In 1996, the Mars Pathfinder lifted off from Cape Canaveral and began speeding toward Mars on a 310 million-mile odysssey. (It arrived on Mars in July 1997.
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Today--------Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 90, Game show host Wink Martindale is 78, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 75, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 74, Actress Gemma Jones is 69, Rock musician Bob Mosley is 69, Singer-musician Chris Hillman is 67, Musician Terry Woods is 64, Rock singer Southside Johnny Lyon is 63, Actor Jeff Bridges is 62, Rock musician Gary Rossington is 60 and Actress Patricia Wettig is 60.
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December 4th is: National Cookie Day and National Dice Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------kinda like redneck jokes.........
ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TERMS..................
Barium: What morticians do to patients who die.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Dilate: Live longer.
Nitrate: Cheaper than the day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Out-patient: A patient who has fainted.
Tumor: More than one.
Varicose: Nearby.
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In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of 1849 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.
In 1979, feminist Sonia Johnson was formally excommunicated by the Mormon Church because of her outspoken support for the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution.
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Today---------------Singer Little Richard is 79, Author Joan Didion is 77, Author Calvin Trillin is 76, Musician J.J. Cale is 73, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 65, Pop singer Jim Messina is 64, College football hall-of-famer Jim Plunkett is 64, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lanny Wadkins is 62 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 60.
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December 5th is: AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny............
The two workmen were not too bright. They carefully put up the flagpole and secured it in place. Then one of them tried to climb it, holding a measuring tape in one hand. He tried again and again. No matter how high he got, he always slid back down before making it to the top.
He gave up, and handed the tape measure to the other guy, who also made several attempts to climb the flagpole. But with no luck.
A curious bystander approached and asked, "What are you guys trying to do?"
The first guy said, "We're trying to measure the flagpole."
The bystander said, "Why didn't you measure it when you had it on the ground?"
The second guy said, "Oh, we did do that. We know how long it is. Now we're trying to measure how tall it is."
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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.
In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.
In 1889, Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans.
In 1907, the worst mining disaster in U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, W.VA.
In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.
In 1957, America's first attempt at putting a satellite into orbit failed as Vanguard TV3 rose about four feet off a Cape Canaveral launch pad before crashing down and exploding.
In 1960, nearly 9 million acres of Alaska was set aside as an Arctic National Wildlife Range by order of Interior Secretary Fred A. Seaton.
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Today--------------Jazz musician Dave Brubeck is 91, Comedy performer David Ossman is 75, Actor Patrick Bauchau is 73, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 70, Actor James Naughton is 66, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is 66, R&B singer Frankie Beverly is 65, Former Senator Don Nickles, R-Okla, is 63 and Actress JoBeth Williams is 63.
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December 6th is: Miners Day, National Pawnbrokers Day and St. Nicholas Day.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------too funny............
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions
She will make him feel confident, smart and full of personality. She will make him feel like he's the most handsome man in the room.....................................
No, wait..................................
Sorry, I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.................
Never mind.
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In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.
In 1941, the Imperial Japanese navy launched a surprise attack on the U.S. Naval Base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as part of a plan to preempt an American military response to Japan's planned conquest of Southeast Asia territories; the raid, which claimed some 2,400 American lives, prompted the United States to declare war against Japan the next day.
In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral.
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Today--------------Bluegrass singer Bobbie Osborne is 80, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 79, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer James Keach is 64, Country singer Gary Morris is 63, Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 62 and Actor Eli Wallach is 96.
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December 7th is: International Civil Aviation Day, National Cotton Candy Day and National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, funny..........................
An international crime lord learns that the bookkeeper for his overseas operation has cheated him out of $10 million.
He gets on a plane, along with his multilingual lawyer and hunts down the bookkeeper.
He says, "Where's my $10 million?"
The lawyer serves as translator.
The bookkeeper says, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer translates.
The crime lord pulls out a pistol, aims it at the bookkeeper and demands, "Tell me or I'll shoot you."
The lawyer translates.
The bookkeeper says, "OK, OK, you win. The money is in a brown briefcase in a garden shed behind my mother's house."
The crime lord asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1961, The Beach Boys' first single, "Surfin," was released.
In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.
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Today---------------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 81, Flutist James Galway is 72, Singer Jerry Butler is 72, Pop musician Bobby Elliott (The Hollies) is 70, Actress Mary Woronov is 68, Actor John Rubinstein is 65 and Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 64.
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And, if you haven't already heard, Actor Harry Morgan died yesterday at the age of 96. He was known for his roles as the partner in the Dragnet series with Jack Webb (Sgt. Joe Friday) and of course, as Col. Sherman Potter on "M.A.S.H."
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December 8th is: National Brownie Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------------hah.........
Some senior ladies were discussing their driving habits and experiences. Several remarked that they no longer dared to drive on the freeways.
"Oh, pooh!" said a 90-year-old. "I drive them all the time. And, I go as slow as I like."
"Doesn't that upset other drivers?" someone asked.
"Oh, no," the 90-year-old said. "In fact, they appreciate it. They honk when they pass me and give me that hand signal that means, "You're No. 1!"
The other ladies didn't have the heart to tell her the truth.
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In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 1984, the five-day-old hijacking of a Kuwaiti airliner that claimed the lives of two Americans ended as Iranian security men seized control of the plane which was parked at Tehran airport.
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Today--------------Actor Kirk Douglas is 95, Actor Dick Van Patten is 83, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 81, Actress Dame Judy Dench is 77, Actor Beau Bridges is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 69, Actor Michael Nouri is 66 and Singer Joan Armatrading is 61.
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December 9th is: International Anti-Corruption Day, National Salesperson Day and Weary Willie Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------not good, back to the archives..............
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
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In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for helping mediate the Russo-Japanese War.
In 1931, Jane Addams became the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize; the co-recipient was Nicholas Murray Butler.
In 1950, Ralph J. Bunche was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the first black American to receive the award.
In 1964, Martin Luther King, Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1967, singer Otis Redding, 26, and six others were killed when their plane crashed into Wisconsin's Lake Monona.
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Today-----------Actor Tommy Kirk is 70, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 70, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 70, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 65, Pop-funk musician Walter "Clyde" Orange (The Commodores) is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer Jessica Cleaves (Friends of Distinction) is 63 and Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 60.
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December 10th is: Day Of The Horse, Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day, International Shareware Day and Nobel Peace Prize Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------might have heard this one before............
Hubby was very concerned about his wife's loss of hearing. He mentioned it to his doctor. "I think she is going deaf." he said.
The doctor said, "Here's what you do. Stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal speaking tone to see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. Let me know what happens."
That evening, hubby was in the den, about 40 feet from the kitchen where his wife was making dinner. He said, in a normal tone, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
There was no response, so he moved to within 30 feet and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Nothing.
He moved 10 more feet and spoke. Nothing. Another 10 feet. Nothing.
Finally, he walked right up behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replied, "Ralph, for the fifth time, it's chicken!"
______________________________________________________
In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.
In 1946, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.
In 1961, a U.S. aircraft carrier carrying Army helicopters arrived in Saigon -- the first direct American military support for South Vietnam's battle against Communist guerrillas.
In 1972, Apollo 17's lunar module landed on the moon with astronauts Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt aboard; they are, to date, the last two men to step onto the lunar surface.
In 1981, Muhammad Ali, 39, fought his final fight, losing by unanimous decision to Trevor Berbick in Nassau, Bahamas.
In 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested, accused of running a multi-billion-dollar Ponzi scheme. (Madoff is serving a 150-year federal prison sentence.
__________________________________________________________
Today-----------------Pulitzer Prize-winning composer Elliot Carter is 103, Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 81, Former California state lawmaker Tom Hayden is 72, Rock singer David Gates is 71, Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., is 70, Actress Donna Mills is 69, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., is 68, Singer Brenda Lee is 67, Actress Lynda Day George is 67, Music producer Tony Brown is 65, Actress Teri Garr is 64 and Actress Rita Moreno is 80.
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December 11th is: International Mountain Day, UNICEF Birthday, World Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------Quirky things you may not know..............
*Most boat owners give names to their boats. The most popular name is "Obsession."
*If you were to use letters to spell out numbers, in order, you wouldn't use the letter "a" until you got all the way to the number 1,000 ("one thousand").
*The only food that never spoils is honey.
*There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
*Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
*What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, laser printers and windshield wipers have in common? They were all invented by women.
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In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.
In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1946, a United Nations committee voted to accept a six-block tract of Manhattan real estate offered as a gift by John D. Rockefeller Jr. to be the site of the U.N.'s headquarters.
In 2000, George W. Bush was transformed into the president-elect as a divided U.S. Supreme Court reversed a state court decision for recounts in Florida's contested election.
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Today-------------Former TV host Bob Barker is 88, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 87, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 79, Singer Connie Francis is 74, Singer Dionne Warwick is 71, Rock singer-musician Dickey Betts is 68, Former race car driver Emerson Fittipaldi is 65, Actor Wings Hauser is 64, Actor Bill Nighy is 62 and Country Singer LaCosta is 61.
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December 12th is: Poinsettia Day.
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Larryj
Today's---------------hah..............
Poor Ole died. He was a good fisherman. His widow, Lena, went to the local newspaper to put a notice in the obituaries column. The clerk at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust say, 'Ole died.'"
The clerk said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say. If it's money you're concerned about, don't worry. You get five words for the same price as two words."
Lena pondered for a moment, then said, "OK, you yust put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
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In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish U.N. headquarters in New York.
In 1985, Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major American Indian tribe as she took office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma.
In 1986, the experimental aircraft Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, took off from Edwards Air Force Base in California on the first non-stop, non-refueled flight around the world.
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Today-----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 91, Actor Hal Williams is 73, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 65, Actress Patty Duke is 65, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 65, Entertainment executive Michael Ovitz is 65, Actress Dee Wallace is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 62 and Rock musician Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 62.
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December 14th is: Monkey Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------------yep..............
Hubby arrives home from work, in a rush, and yells, "Quick, honey pie, bring me a beer before it starts."
His wife brings him a beer.
Not even ten minutes later, he shouts again, "Buttercup, please bring me another beer before it starts."
She brings him another beer.
Maybe 15 minutes later, he calls out, "Sweetkins, bring me another beer, quick, before it starts."
She brings the beer, but takes him to task. "For crying out loud," she says, "why are you drinking so much? And why can't you wait on yourself? And why don't you get up off your chair and help ME now and then? I have a long list of chores for you to do. Would you like to hear them now?"
Hubby mutters, "And so it starts."
____________________________________________________
In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.
In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a confrontation with Indian police.
In 1938, groundbreaking for the Jefferson Memorial took place in Washington with President Franklin D. Roosevelt taking part in the ceremony.
In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With The Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta.
In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.
In 1971, the Secret Service appointed its first five female special agents.
____________________________________________________
Today-------------Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 78, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 72, Rock musician Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 69, Actor Don Johnson is 62 and Actress Melanie Chartoff is 61.
____________________________________________________
December 15th is: Bill of Rights Day and Cat Herders Day.
____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------hah............
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So I got the ax.
After that I tried being a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job, anyway.
I tried working in a muffler factory, but the work was too exhausting.
I got a job at a deli, but I couldn't succeed, no matter how I sliced it. I just couldn't cut the mustard.
I tried fishing for a living, but there was no way I could live on my net income.
I got a job with a pool service, but the work was just too draining.
I thought about becoming a historian, but I decided there was no future in it.
My last job was at Starbucks, but I had to quit. I couldn't handle the daily grind.
Now I'm trying retirement. So far, I'm perfect for this job.
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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.
In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.
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Today---------------Civil rights attorney Morris Dees is 75, Actress Joyce Bulifant is 74, Actress Liv Ullmann is 73, CBS news correspondent Lesley Stahl is 70, TV producer Steven Bochco is 68, Pop musician Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 66, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 65, Actor Ben Cross is 64, Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 60 and Rock musician-singer Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 62.
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December 16th is: Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day, Underdog Day and Zionism Day.
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------another hah...........
Message on the grandparents' answering machine:
Hello, sorry to miss your call. Please select from the following menu.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 1.
If you want to borrow the car, press 2.
If you want us to wash and iron your clothes, press 3.
If you want us to pick up your kids at school, press 4.
If you want to come here and eat, press 5.
If you need money, press 6.
If you are inviting us over for dinner or offering to take us somewhere fun, start talking. We are listening.
_________________________________________
In 1777, France recognized American independence.
In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.
In 1957, the United States successfully test-fired the Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time.
In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford. (She was paroled in August 2009.)
__________________________________________
Today-------Actor Armin Mueller-Stahl is 81, Actor George Lindsey is 76, Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 74, Actor Bernard Hill is 67, Actor Ernie Hudson is 66, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 66, Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 65, Pop musician Jim Bonfanti is 63, Rock singer Paul Rodgers is 62 and Actor Wes Studi is 64.
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December 17th is: Asarah B'Tevet and Wright Brothers Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, still funny............
A burglar with a flashlight is looking around in a house. Suddenly, a voice in the darkness says, "Jesus is watching you!"
The burglar yelps, turns off the flashlight and freezes. He doesn't move a muscle for more than a minute. Then he takes a step. The voice repeats, "Jesus is watching you!"
Freaked out, the burglar snaps the flashlight back on and waves it frantically around the room. He sees a parrot in the corner and says, "Can you talk?"
The parrot says, "Yes, and I'm warning you. Jesus is watching."
The relieved burglar laughs and says, "What's your name, parrot?"
"Moses," the parrot replies.
"Moses? What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus."
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In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War. (The bombardment ended eleven days later.)
In 2005, animator Joe Barbera died in Los Angeles at age 95.
In 2010, the U.S. Senate approved repeal of the military's 17-year "don't ask, don't tell" ban on openly gay troop in a 65-31 vote. (President Obama later signed it into law.)
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Today-------------Actor-producer Roger Smith is 79, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 78, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 68, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 65 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 61.
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December 18th is: International Migrants Day.
____________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------punny..........
An American weatherman, Brad Bradford, and his wife attended a gathering of meteorologists in Moscow. At the beginning of his remarks to the group, Brad looked out the window and said, "It's a pleasure to be here. It's a wonderful city and I think we can count on clear skies all week."
The next presenter, a Russian climatologist named Rudolph Rudnikov, opened his remarks by looking out the window and saying, "I agree with everything our American friend has just said, except for his weather forecast. I believe it will rain tomorrow."
The next morning, it was pouring. Brad's wife kidded him. She said, "I guess it's true what they say."
Brad asked, "Yeah? What do they say?"
She replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pa., to camp for the winter.
In 1971, "A Clockwork Orange," Stanley Kubrick's controversial movie adaptation of the Anthony Burgess novel, had its world premiere in the United States.
In 2001, the fires that had burned beneath the ruins of the World Trade Center in New York City for the previous three months were declared extinguished except for a few scattered hot spots.
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Today-------------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 91, Actress Cicely Tyson is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 70, Rock singer Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 67, Musician John McEuen is 66 and Jazz musician Lenny White is 62.
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December 19th is: Day For South-South Cooperation.
_________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------punny #2.............
i happened to be traveling in the Deep South one Christmas season. I strolled one evening in a downtown park and came upon a Nativity scene that was very elaborately done and quite beautiful. One small detail puzzled me, however. The Three Wise Men were wearing fireman's helmets.
My motel was located nearby, and I mentioned the Nativity scene to the clerk. She knew all about it. I expressed my curiosity about the Three Wise Men wearing fireman's helmets, and she said, "I reckon y'all don't read your Bible, do you?"
I said, "Whatever do you mean?"
She found a Gideon Bible behind the counter, flipped through the pages, and put her finger on a particular passage. "See?" she said, triumphantly, "It says right here, the Wise Men came from afar."
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In 1790, the first cotton mill in the U.S. began operating in Pawtucket, R.I.
In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States.
In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.
In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.
In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.
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Today-------------Actress Audrey Totter is 94, Actor John Hillerman is 79, Actress Kathryn Joosten is 72, Rock musician-music producer Bobby Colomby is 67, Rock musician Peter Criss is 66, Psychic/illusionist Uri Gellar is 65, Producer Dick Wolf ("Law & Order") is 65 and Rock musician Alan Parsons is 63.
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December 20th is: Hanukkah, International Human Solidarity Day and Mudd Day..
__________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------------hah.........
WORDS OF WISDOM TO REMEMBER AS WE ENJOY THE SEASON OF WINING AND DINING:
Life should not be a timid journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well-preserved, barely used body.
NO!
The objective should be to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand and cake in the other, hair wrecked, body exhausted, laughing and shouting,
WOO HOO!
WHAT A RIDE!
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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, MA.
In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln signed a congressional act authorizing the Navy Medal of Honor.
In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.
In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pam Am 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, sending wreckage crashing to the ground.
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Today-----------Country Singer Freddie Hart is 85, Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno is 85, Actor Ed Nelson is 83, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 76, Movie director John Avildsen is 76, Actress Jane Fonda is 74, Singer Carla Thomas is 69, Musician Albert Lee is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 63 and Movie producer is Jeffrey Katzenberg is 61.
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December 21st is: Forefather's Day, Crossword Puzzle Day, National Homeless Person's Remembrance Day, Humbug Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wage Day, World Peace/Winter Solstice and Yalda.
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Larryj
Today's---------------funny..........
A married couple was out Christmas shopping. After a while, the husband went missing. The wife called him and said, with some irritation, "Where the heck are you?"
He replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw that diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I promised you it would be yours one day."
She blushed, smiled, and purred, "Yes, you dear man, I do remember."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln: "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift the city of Savannah."
In 1941, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill arrived in Washington for a wartime conference with President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.
In 2010, President Barack Obama signed a law allowing gays for the first time in history to serve openly in America's military.
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Today------------Former House Speaker Jim Wright is 89, Country singer Red Steagall is 73, Former World Bank Group President Paul Wolfowitz is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 67, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 66, Rock singer-musician Rick Neilsen (Cheap Trick) is 65, Rock singer-musician Michael Bacon is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Garvey is 63, Singer Robin Gibb is 62, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 60 and Actor Hector Elizondo is 75.
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December 22nd is: Ann & Samantha Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, National Re-gifting Day and Yule.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------Golden Christmas Quotes..............
"What I hate most about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." Phyllis Diller
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time we all observe, in our own way, by going to the mall of our choice." Dave Barry
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." W.C. Fields
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note:
TOYS NOT INCLUDED." Bernard Manning
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In 1783, George Washington resigned as commander in chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home at Mount Vernon, VA.
In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (N.Y.) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.
In 1986, the experimental airplane, Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned safely to Edwards Air Force Base in California.
In 2001, Time magazine named New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani its Person Of The Year for his steadfast response to the 9/11 terrorist attack.
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Today---------------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 90, Actor Ronnie Schell is 80, Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 76, Actor Frederick Forrest is 75, Actor James Stacy is 75, Rock musician Jorma Kaukonen is 71, Rock musician Ron Bushy is 70, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 68, Gen. Wesley K. Clark is 67, Actress Susan Lucci is 65 and Singer-musician Adrian Belew is 62.
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December 23rd is: Festivus.
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Larryj
Today's-------yep............
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!
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In 1851, fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroying about 35,000 volumes.
In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a social club in Pulaski, Tenn., called the Ku Klux Klan.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces in Europe as part of Operation Overlord.
In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis, during a Christmas Eve telecast.
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Today--------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Batholomew is 91, Author Mary Higgins Clark is 84, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 67 and Rock singer-musician Lemmy (Motorhead) is 66.
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December 24th is: Christmas Eve.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------the politically correct way to say "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year".............
Have a merry winter solstice holiday as practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and a happy onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures)!
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In A.D. 336, the first recorded celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25 took place in Rome.
In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, N.J.
In 1818, "Silent Night," written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time, at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.
In 1941, during World War II, Japan announced the surrender of the British-Canadian garrison at Hong Kong.
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Today-------------Singer Tony Martin is 98, Actor Dick Miller is 83, Author Anne Roiphe is 76, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 68, R&B singer John Edwards is 67, Actor Gary Sandy is 66, Singer Jimmy Buffett is 65, Pro and college football Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 65, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 63 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 62.
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December 25th is: Christmas
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------a promise is a promise..............
The pastor glanced at the church's Nativity scene the day after Christmas and noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was the baby Jesus.
He walked up to the boy and said, "Hello, son. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"
The boy answered honestly, "From the church."
"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.
"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."
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In 1776, the British suffered a major defeat in the Battle of Trenton during the Revolutionary War.
In 1799, former President George Washington was eulogized by Col. Henry Lee as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."
In 1944, during the World War II Battle of the Bulge, the embattled U.S. 101st Airborne Division was relieved by units of the 4th Armored Division.
In 1966, Kwanzaa was first celebrated.
In 1972, the 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri, at age 88.
In 1980, Iranian television footage was broadcast in the United States, showing a dozen of the American hostages sending messages to their families.
________________________________________________________
Today--------------Actor Donald Moffat is 81, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's Sesame Street) is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Abdul "Duke" Fakir (The Four Tops) is 76, Record producer Phil Spector is 72, "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 66, Country musician Bob Carpenter (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 65, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carlton Fisk is 64 and Retired MLB All-Star Chris Chambliss is 63.
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December 26th is: Boxing Day (Canada), National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-you Note Day and National Whiners Day.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------true.........
Groan. Christmas is over. It's back to the same old grind. What a depressing thought. We need something to cheer us up.
Hey, how about one more Christmas joke! Good idea. Here goes.
Q: Why is your job just like the Christmas holiday?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!
_____________________________________________________
In 1932, Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City.
In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a safe, nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.
In 2001, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfield announced that Taliban and al-Qaida prisoners would be held at the U.S. Naval Base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Also, President George W. Bush extended permanent normal trade status to China.
______________________________________________________
Today-------------Rockabilly musician Scotty Moore is 80, Actor John Amos is 72, Actress Charmian Carr (Film: "The Sound Of Music") is 69, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 68, Rock musician Mick Jones (Foreigner) is 67, Singer Tracy Nelson is 67, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 63, Jazz singer-musician T.S. Monk is 62 and Singer-songwriter Karla Bonoff is 60.
______________________________________________________
December 27th is: National Fruitcake Day.
______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------big uh-oh................
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was in high gear when a man knocked on the door and was greeted heartily, though nobody knew him. He was offered one drink, then another, then another. He stayed two hours, chatting happily with the other revelers.
Finally, a troubled look crossed his face. "You know," he said to Trevor, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that one of your guests has blocked my driveway with his car."
Trevor said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll ask around and get it straightened out. I hope you haven't been inconvenienced."
"Oh, I don't mind at all," the man said. "It's my wife who probably is upset."
"Where is she?" Trevor asked.
The man replied, "Well, when I left to come over here, she was in the car, waiting to back out."
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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.
In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the Union.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1971, film composer Max Stainer ("Gone With The Wind" among many others) died in Hollywood at age 83.
In 1981, Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American "test-tube" baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.
In 1991, nine people died in a crush to get into a rap celebrity basketball game at City College in New York.
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Today------Former United Auto Workers union president Owen Bieber is 82, Actor Martin Milner is 80, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 79, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 77, Rock singer-musician Charles Neville is 73, Sen. Johnny Isakson, R-Ga., is 67, Sen. Tim Johnson, D-S.D., is 65, Rock singer musician Edgar Winter is 65 and Comic Book creator Stan Lee is 89.
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December 28th is: Holy Innocent Day, Pledge of Allegiance Day and National Chocolate Day (28-29).
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Larryj
Today's-------------hah...........
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and never sticking to them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!
You're welcome!
10. Read less.
9. Gain weight.
8. Stop exercising.
7. Watch more TV.
6. Procrastinate.
5. Drink more.
4. Quit trying to be nice to people.
3. Do less work around the house and yard.
2. Cook less. Eat out more.
1. Take up a new habit, like smoking.
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In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.
In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.
In 2006, word reached the United States of the execution of former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein (because of the time difference, it was the morning of Dec. 30 in Iraq when the hanging took place). In a statement, President George W. Bush called Saddam's execution a milestone on Iraq's road to democracy.
In 2006, Gerald R. Ford's flag draped casket was carried into a church in Palm Desert for a public viewing that marked the start of six days of mourning for the former president.
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Today-----------Actress Inga Swenson is 79, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 75, Actor Jon Voight is 73, Country singer Ed Bruce is 72, Jockey Laffit Pincay, Jr. is 65, Actor Ted Danson is 64, Actor Jon Polito is 61, Singer-actress Yvonne Elliman is 60 and Singer Marianne Faithful is 65.
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December 29th is: Tick Tock Day.
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Larryj
Today's-------------Golden New Year's quotes............
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving the road to hell with them.
Mark Twain
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde
Talk about losing one's inhibitions! Some people drink so much on New Year's Eve, they actually kiss the person to whom they are married.
P.J. O'Rourke
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Bill Vaughn
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In 1853, the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.
In 1936, the United Auto Workers union staged its first "sit-down" strike at the General Motors Fisher Body Plant No. 1 in Flint, Michigan. (The strike lasted until Feb. 11, 1937.)
In 1940, California's first freeway, the Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles to Pasadena was officially opened by Gov. Culbert L. Olson. (This freeway is now more commonly referred to as the Pasadena Freeway.)
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Today------------Actor Joseph Bologna is 77, Actor Russ Tamblyn is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 76, Actor Jack Riley is 76, Actor Fred Ward is 69, Singer Davy Jones is 66, Actress Concetta Tomei is 66, Singer Patty Smith is 65 and Rock singer-musician Jeff Lynne is 64.
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December 30th is: Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.
____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------uh oh............
It was New Year's Eve at the local pub, and everyone had been partying for hours. All the regulars were there, with their wives, dancing and laughing and raising cups of cheer. As midnight approached, the longtime barmaid, a sentimental soul named Marilyn, called for attention and announced, "Everyone! When the clock strikes 12, I want to see all the husbands embracing and kissing that one special someone who makes their life worth living!"
Well, it was sort of embarrassing what happened next. At the stroke of midnight, Marilyn was almost crushed to death by all the men who crowded around to kiss her.
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In 1879, Thomas Alva Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
In 1946, President Harry S. Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.
In 1985, singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Year's Eve performance in Dallas.
In 2001, Notre Dame tapped Tyrone Willingham to be its football coach, replacing George O'Leary, who'd resigned because of misstatements about his academic and athletic achievements on his resume; Willingham became the first black head coach in any sport for the Irish.
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Today----------TV producer George Schlatter is 79, Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 74, Actor Tim Considine ("My Three Sons") is 71, Actress Sarah Miles is 70, Rock musician Andy Summers is 69, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 68, Producer-director Taylor Hackford is 67, Fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg is 65, Actor Tim Matheson is 64, Pop singer Burton Cummings (The Guess Who) is 64, Singer Donna Summer is 63, Actor Joe Dallesandro is 63 and Rock musician Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith) is 60.
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December 31st is: Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour Of Peace Day, World Peace Meditation Day and New Year's Eve.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------A NEW YEAR'S DAY PRAYER............
Dear Lord,
So far, so good.
I haven't broken a single one of my New Year's resolutions.
I have not gossiped or lost my temper or said a cross word to anyone.
I haven't been selfish or greedy.
I have not shirked my duties or fallen behind in my chores.
I have refrained from tobacco and strong drink
I have counted my calories.
I'm very thankful for all these things...........
But, in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from that moment on I will need a lot of help!
_____________________________________________
In 1890, the first Tournament of Roses was held in Pasadena, CA.
In 1913, the U.S. Parcel Post system went into operation.
In 1942, The Rose Bowl was played in Durham, N.C., because of security concerns in the wake of the Pearl Harbor attack; Oregon State defeated Duke, 20-16.
In 1953, country singer Hank Williams Sr., 29, was discovered dead in the back seat of his car during a stop in Oak Hill, WVA., while he was being driven to a concert date in Canton, Ohio.
In 1962, the Beatles (with Pete Best) auditioned in London for Decca Records, which opted to sign Brian Poole and the Tremeloes instead.
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Today---------------Former Sen. Ernest Hollings, D-S.C., is 90, Actor Ty Hardin is 82, Documentary maker Frederick Wiseman is 82, Actor Frank Langella is 74, Rock singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 70, Writer-comedian Don Novello is 69, Actor Rick Hurst is 66 and Country singer Steve Ripley (The Tractors) is 62.
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January 1st is: Copyright Law Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, First Foot Day, Global Family Day, Mummer's Parade. Polar Bear Plunge or Swim Day, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Saint Basil's Day, Z Day and New Year's Day.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------------Questions for the New Year:
If you mix vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
When someone offers you "a penny for your thoughts," and you "put in your two cents," what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
______________________________________________
In 1811, Sen. Timothy Pickering, a Federalist from Massachusetts became the first member of the U.S. Senate to be censured after he'd improperly revealed the contents of an executive document.
In 1921, religious services were broadcast for the first time as KDKA in Pittsburgh aired the regular Sunday service of the city's Calvary Episcopal Church.
In 1935, Bruno Hauptmann went on trial in Flemington, N.J., on charges of kidnapping and murdering the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (Hauptmann was found guilty and executed.)
In 1960, Sen. John F. Kennedy of Massachusetts launched his successful bid for the presidency.
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Today------------Country musician Harold Bradley is 86, Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is 70, TV host Jack Hanna is 65 and Actress Wendy Phillips is 60.
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January 2nd is: "Thank God It's Monday" Day, National Buffet Day, Tournament of Roses Parade Day, Rose Bowl Game, National Weigh-in Day, Happy New Year For Cats Day, National Motivation and Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day and 55-MPH Speed Limit Day.
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Larryj
Today's------------wiser now..............
A holy man is sitting in a circle with his disciples when an angel appears from the heavens and says to him, "In return for your exemplary life and long years of devoted services, the Almighty has decided to grant you your choice of limitless wealth or infinite wisdom."
Without hesitating, the holy man selects wisdom.
"Done!" the angel says, then disappears in a flash of light and cloud of smoke.
Now, all heads turn toward the holy man, who sits surrounded by a halo of light. He is motionless. He is lost in thought.
Finally, one of the disciples whispers, "Master, say something."
The holy man sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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In 1938, the March of Dimes campaign to fight polio was organized.
In 1958, the first six members of the newly formed U.S. Commission on Civil Rights held their first meeting at the White House.
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced the United States was formally terminating diplomatic and consular relations with Cuba.
In 1967, Jack Ruby, the man who shot and killed accused presidential assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, died in a Dallas hospital.
In 1980, conservationist Joy Adamson, author of "Born Free," was killed in northern Kenya by a former employee.
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Today---------------Record producer Sir George Martin is 86, Actor Robert Loggia is 82, Actor Dabney Coleman is 80, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 76, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Hull is 73, Singer-songwriter-producer Van Dyke Parks is 69, Musician Stephen Stills is 67, Actress Victoria Principal is 62 and Rock musician John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) is 66.
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January 3rd is: Drinking Straw Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day, Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.
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Larryj
Today's----------------haha..............
An employee asks for a raise. The boss says he is sorry, but the economy is just too tight.
Employee: "I understand, and I've loved working here for the past 20 years, but I have five companies after me right now, and I have to think of my future."
Boss: "Well, I can't afford to do this, but you are an excellent employee and I don't want to lose you. How about a 10 percent raise and an extra week's vacation?"
Employee: "Excellent."
Later that day, the boss accompanies the employee to payroll where the appropriate forms are signed. Afterward, the boss says, "Just out of curiosity, what were those other companies that were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, there was the mortgage company, the phone company, the electric company, the gas company, the water company..............."
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In 1821, the first native-born saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, MD.
In 1861, Alabama seized a federal arsenal at Mount Vernon near Mobile.
In 1896, Utah was admitted as the 45th state.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson outlined the goals of his "Great Society" in his State of the Union Address.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.
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Today------------Actress Barbara Rush is 85, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 82, Actress Dyan Cannon is 75, Opera singer Grace Bumbry is 75 and Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 69.
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January 4th is: Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day, World Hypnotism Day, Dimple Chad Day, Earth at Perihelion and Pop Music Chart Day.
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Larryj
Today's..............more "jobs" jokes.............
I had a job at a clock factory, but I got tired of looking at the same old faces all the time.
Next I had a job drilling holes, but that was way too boring.
Finally, I landed a job at a produce market, and life is a bowl of cherries now. The bananas have appeal. The grapes treat me like one of the bunch. Every time I speak, the corn is all ears. I'm hoping to be promoted to produce manager. I'll be the head of lettuce.
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In 1933, the 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, died in Northampton, MA., at age 60.
In 1957, President Eisenhower proposed assistance to countries to help them resist Communist aggression; this became known as the Eisenhower Doctrine.
In 1972, President Nixon announced that he had ordered development of "an entirely new type of space transportation system," the reusable shuttle. (The first operational shuttle, Columbia, was launched in 1981.)
In 1994, Thomas P. "Tip" O'Neill, former speaker of the House of Representatives, died in Boston at age 81.
In 1998, Sonny Bono, the 1960's pop-star-turned politician, was killed when he struck a tree while skiing at the Heavenly Ski Resort on the Nevada-California state line; he was 62.
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Today-----------Former Vice President Walter Mondale is 84, Actor Robert Duvall is 81, Pro Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 80, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 70, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 66, Actor Ted Lange is 64, Rhythm-and-blues musician George "Funky" Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 63 and Rock musician Chris Stein (Blondie) is 62.
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January 5th is: Asara B'Tevet, Bean Day and Bird Day.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's............hah.............
The clerk said to the customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some time now, and it looks like we won't be getting any soon."
The manager, overhearing the conversation, quickly intervened. "Ma'am, I apologize," he said to the customer. "We most certainly will be getting some, and very soon indeed. In fact, I placed the order just this morning."
The customer, looking somewhat flustered, mumbled her thanks and left.
The manager turned to the clerk and said, sternly, "Don't ever tell our customers that we can't get something for them. That's bad business."
Clerk: "I'm sorry, sir."
Manager: "So what did she want?"
Clerk: "Rain, sir."
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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, Virginia.
In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph, in Morristown, NJ.
In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, NY, at age 60.
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of Four Freedoms; Freedom of Speech and expression, the freedom of people to worship God in their own way, freedom from want and freedom from fear.
In 1982, truck driver William G. Bonin was convicted in Los Angeles of 10 of the "Freeway Killer" slayings of young men and boys. (Bonin was executed in 1996.)
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Today---------------Pollster Louis Harris is 91, Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 88, Retired MLB All-Star Ralph Branca is 86, Actress Bonnie Franklin is 68, Country musician Joey, the CowPolka King (Riders in the Sky) is 63 and Former FBI director Louis Freeh is 62.
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January 6th is: Epiphany or Twelfth Night and Three Kings Day.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------hmmm............
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor and said, "Didn't you tell me that I have to take this new medication for the rest of my life?"
The doctor replied, "Yes, that's correct."
"Well, I'm very upset."
"What's the matter?"
"I didn't realize my condition was so serious."
"What do you mean?"
"There are only 30 pills in the bottle and the label says NO REFILLS!"
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In 1608, an accidental fire devastated the Jamestown settlement in the Virginia Colony.
In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, NJ, Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.
In 2007, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, interviewed on "Face The Nation," said Democrats running Congress would not give President George Bush a blank check to wage war in Iraq.
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Today------------Author William Peter Blatty is 84, Country singer Jack Greene is 82, Pop musician Paul Revere is 74, Magazine publisher Jann Wenner is 66, Singer Kenny Loggins is 64, Singer-songwriter Marshall Chapman is 63, Actress Erin Gray is 62 and Actor Sammo Hung is 60.
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January 7th is: I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, Harlem Globetrotters Day, Orthodox Christmas, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.
________________________________________
Quip for today------"I was wondering why that Frisbee was getting bigger............then it hit me."
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------cute............
CHILDREN'S ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION: "WHAT IS LOVE?"
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. --- Rebecca, 8.
Love is when you give someone most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs. --- Chrissy, 6.
Love is when your when your puppy licks your face even after you have left him alone all day. --- Mary Ann, 4.
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. --- Bobby, 7.
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. --- Karen, 7.
During my piano recital I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me. Then I saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared any more. --- Cindy, 8.
You shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. If you mean it, you should say it a lot. --- Jessica, 8.
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In 1798, the 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was declared in effect by President John Adams nearly three years after its ratification by the states.
In 1918, Mississippi became the first state to ratify the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which established Prohibition.
In 1935, rock-and-roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War on Poverty" in his State of the Union address.
In 1982, American Telephone and Telegraph settled the Justice Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.
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Today-------------Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 89, Actor Ron Moody is 88, Broadcast Journalist Sander Vanocur is 84, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 79, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 74, Country-gospel singer Christy Lane is 72, R&B singer Anthony Gourdine is 71, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 70, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 70, Rock musician Robby Krieger is 66, Rock singer-actor-producer David Bowie is 65, Movie director John McTiernan is 61 and Singer Shirley Bassett is 75.
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January 8th is: National English Toffee Day, Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National Joy Germ Day and War On Poverty Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day.................It's a small world..........................unless you gotta walk home.
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Larryj
Today's-------------God bless the modern day man.............
Four pastors are fishing at the lake. After a long silence, one of them clears his throat and speaks.
"Friends, I have a confession to make," he says. "I have sinned. My secretary tempted me and I was weak. I tell you this in confidence."
The second pastor says, "None of us is without sin. I am a secret alcoholic. I even drink before I preach. I trust your discretion."
The third says, "I'm a compulsive gambler. I've been taking money from the church fund for years. This is for your ears only."
The fourth pastor says nothing. He is typing madly on his iPhone.
The other three look at him. One says, "What about you? Don't you have anything to confess?"
The fourth pastor looks up and says, "Oh, yes, I'm a terrible gossip. I've been tweeting every word of this."
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In 1793, Frenchman Jean Pierre Blanchard, using a hot-air balloon, flew between Philadelphia and Woodbury, NJ.
In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, CA.
In 1951, United Nations headquarters in New York was officially opened.
In 1960, on his 47th birthday, Vice President Richard M. Nixon became a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.
In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.
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Today---------Author Judith Krantz is 84, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 78, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 77, Actress K. Callan is 76, Folk singer Joan Baez is 71, Rockabilly singer Roy Head is 71, Rock musician Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) is 68, Singer David Johansen (aka Buster Poindexter) is 62 and Singer Crystal Gayle is 61.
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January 9th is: National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Panama's Martyr Day, Balloon Ascension Day and National Static Electricity Day.
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Quip for the day-------------Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old, still funny.................
The long-wedded husband and wife are speaking with the marriage counselor. Well, it's mostly the wife speaking. She pours out her heart in a tear-stained tirade that includes an endless list of grievances and unmet needs. She complains of neglect, emotional unavailability, lack of intimacy, loneliness, friendlessness, lovelessness............
Finally, the therapist stands, walks around the desk, urges the wife to her feet, then takes her in his arms and kisses her tenderly on the mouth. He turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs. Can you manage it?"
Hubby says, "Well, I can drop her off here on most days, but on Fridays, I fish."
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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense," which argued for American independence from British rule.
In 1862, American inventor Samuel Colt, famed for his revolver, died in Hartford, Conn., at age 47.
In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.
In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas Gusher, heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.
In 1982, actor-comedian Paul Lynde died in Beverly Hills at age 55.
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Today-----Opera singer Sherrill Milnes is 77, Rock singer Ronnie Hawkins is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 74, Movie director Walter Hill is 72, Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 68, Singer Rod Stewart is 67, Rock singer Donald Fagen (Steely Dan) is 64, Actor William Sanderson is 64 and International Boxing Hall-of-Famer and entrepreneur George Foreman is 63.
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January 10th is: National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.
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Quip for today------------My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
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Larryj
Today's-----------just for Warph...........the start of Tebow jokes?
Many years from now, after a Hall of Fame football career and golden retirement, Tom Brady receives his everlasting reward in Heaven. God is showing him around.
They come to a nice little house with a New England Patriots banner in the window. God says, "This is your new home, Tom."
Brady is very thankful. He starts walking towards the door. Then he catches a glimpse of the house on an adjacent corner. It's an enormous three-story mansion with orange and blue drapes, a 50-foot-tall flagpole with a Denver Broncos flag flying high and a large statue of Tim Tebow in the front yard.
Brady turns to God and says, "Wow, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but Tim Tebow sure has a better house than I do."
God laughs and says, "Oh, that's not Tim Tebow's house. That's my house."
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In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon a National Monument. (It became a National Park in 1919.)
In 1927, the creation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was proposed during a dinner of Hollywood luminaries at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles.
In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.
In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.
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Today------Producer Grant Tinker is 87, Actor Rod Taylor is 82, Composer Mary Rodgers is 81, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 78, Actor Felix Silla is 75, Movie director Joel Zwick is 70, Country singer Naomi Judd is 66 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 60.
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January 11th is: Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day and National Human Trafficking Awareness Day.
___________________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
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Larryj
Today's-------------duh.........
Two New York businessmen are motoring through the South on a business trip. They joke about the strange names of various places.
One name really stumps them. It's the Ochlockonee River. They drive across the bridge, then stop at a diner on the other side to eat.
As the waitress takes their order, one of the men says to her, "Hey, we saw a sign coming in here and wonder how you locals pronounce it."
The waitress gives him a weird look. Carefully enunciating each syllable, she replies, "Burger Haven."
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In 1915, the House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.
In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.
In 1971, the groundbreaking situation comedy "All in the Family" premiered on CBS television.
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Today--------Actress Luise Rainer is 102, The Amazing Kreskin is 77, Country singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 73, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 61, Actress Kirstie Alley is 61, Writer Walter Mosley is 60 and Country singer Ricky Van Shelton is 60.
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January 12th is: National Pharmacist Day and Feast Of The Fabulous Wild Men Day.
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Quip for the day............I laid in bed last night looking at the stars and I thought to myself..........where the heck is the roof.
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Larryj
Today's-------------golf tips for Warph and Slappy
Golf Tip #1: The only sure way to get a par is to leave a birdie putt an inch short of the hole.
Golf Tip #2: Remember, no matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.
Golf Tip #3: Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a fairway that doglegs sharply to the right.
Golf Tip #4: Every time you make a birdie, you must subsequently make two bogies in order to restore order to the universe.
Golf Tip #5: Remember, the practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the greens on the actual course.
Golf Tip #6: The only important thing you will learn from reading a lot of books on golf is that you can't learn anything from golf books.
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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union. (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.
In 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles 10 days before his 43rd birthday.
In 1987, West German police arrested Mohammed Ali Hamadi, a suspect in the 1985 hijacking of a TWA jetliner. (Although convicted and sentenced to life, Hamadi was paroled by Germany in December 2005; he is on the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorist list.)
In 1990, L. Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the nation's first elected black governor as he took the oath of office in Richmond.
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Today------------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 82, TV personality Nick Clooney is 78, Actor Billy Gray is 74, Actor Richard Moll is 69 and Comedian Rip Taylor is 78.
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January 13th is: Blame Someone Else Day, Friday the 13th, Public Radio Broadcasting Day and Rubber Ducky Day.
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Quip for the day...........When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people............who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah..........
This scrawny little guy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks him.
"Well, I saw a bunch of bikers bothering a woman in a parking lot, and I told them to leave her alone, but they ignored me, so I kicked their bikes over."
St. Peter is impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Oh, about a minute ago."
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In 1639, the first constitution of Connecticut -- The Fundamental Orders -- was adopted.
In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator," as he was called.
In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."
In 1968, the Green Bay Packers of the NFL defeated the AFL's Oakland Raiders, 33-14, in Super Bowl II.
In 1969, 27 people aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise, off Hawaii, were killed when a rocket warhead exploded, setting off a fire and additional explosions.
In 1972, the situation comedy "Sanford and Son," starring Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson, premiered on NBC-TV.
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Today-------------Blues singer Clarence Carter is 76, Singer Jack Jones is 74, Singer-songwriter Allen Toussaint is 74, Actress Faye Dunaway is 71, Actress Holland Taylor is 69, Actor Carl Weathers is 64, Singer-producer T-Bone Burnette is 64, Movie writer-producer Lawrence Kasdan is 63 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd is 60.
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January 14th is: Caesarean Section Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.
__________________________________________________
Quip for the day............If all the cars in the country were lined up end to end..........it's probably Memorial Weekend.
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Larryj
Today's-------Okaaaaay, then..........
It's late afternoon. An early darkness has descended upon the Irish moors. Dense fog has gathered around the ancient castle. Inside, a guide carries a lantern to light the way as he conducts tourists through the gloomy corridors.
"This is the room where the notorious Lord Edwin was murdered by his fifth wife," he says. "Across the hall is the room where the wife took her own life one month later. Next, we will come to the room where the couple's son, who inherited the castle, died of a mysterious wasting disease. As you will learn, almost every room in this place has a tragic story to tell."
One of the tourists raises her hand and asks, nervously, "Are there any ghosts?"
The guide replies, "No, I can assure you there are no ghosts. I've been living here for 250 years and I've never seen one."
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In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta.
In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War (now Defense.)'
In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia," were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot; her slaying remains unsolved.
In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got married in San Francisco City Hall. (The marriage, however, lasted only about nine months.
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Today---------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 75 and Actress Andrea Martin is 65.
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Quip for the day............Seen it all, done it all.............can't remember most of it.
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Larryj
Today's-----------one liners.............
To write with a broken pencil is...............pointless.
The thief who stole a calendar got.............12 months.
The batteries were given out..............free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married, but they fought.............tooth and nail.
A will is a.................dead giveaway.
If you don't pay the exorcist..............you'll be repossessed.
A boiled egg is...............hard to beat.
If you've seen one shopping center........you've seen a mall.
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In 1920, Prohibition began in the United States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after it's ratification. (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)
In 1942, actress Carole Lombard, 33, her mother Elizabeth and 20 other people were killed when their plane crashed near Las Vegas, Nevada, while enroute to California from a war-bond promotion tour.
In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.
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Today------Author William Kennedy is 84, Author-editor Norman Podhoretz is 82, Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 78, Hall-of-Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 77, Singer Barbara Lynn is 70, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 69, Country singer Jim Stafford is 68, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 65, Movie director John Carpenter is 64 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 62.
_________________________________________
Quip for the day............It's better to have loved a short man, than to never have loved a tall.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------ya..........
Sven and Anders die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil discovers them laughing and whooping it up.
He says to them, "Doesn't the heat bother you?"
Sven replies, "Oh, no, we're from Minnesota. We love a bit of nice weather like this, don't you know."
Furious, the Devil leaves and turns off all the heat in Hell. The temperature soon plummets to 60 below zero. The Lake of Fire turns to ice. Frost forms on the cavern walls. Icicles hang everywhere.
With an evil smile on his face, the Devil goes back to check on Anders and Sven and finds them cheering, clapping their hands and jumping up and down like mad men.
Dumbfounded, he says, "What is wrong with you two?"
Anders replies, "Well, don't you know, Hell has frozen over. That means the Vikings have won the Super Bowl."
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In 1893, the 19th president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes, died in Fremont, Ohio, at age 70.
Also, Hawaii's monarchy was overthrown as a group of businessmen and sugar planters forced Queen Lili'uokalani to abdicate.
In 1929, the cartoon character Popeye the Sailor made his debut in the "Thimble Theater" comic strip.
In 1950, the Great Brink's Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders. (Although the entire gang was caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)
In 1962, 10 former winners of rigged TV quiz shows, including Charles Van Doren, pleaded guilty in New York to perjury, admitting they'd lied under oath when they denied being given answers in advance. (All received suspended sentences.)
In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Northridge, CA., killing 57 people.
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Today--------Former Attorney General Nicholas Katzenbach is 90, Former FCC Chairman Newton N. Minow is 86, Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 84, Actor James Earl Jones is 81, Talk show host Maury Povich is 73, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 70, Pop singer Chris Montez is 70, Rhythm-and-blues singer William Hart (The Delfonics) is 67, Rock musician Mick Taylor is 64 and Actress Betty White is 90.
___________________________________________
January 17th is: Kids Inventor's Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day, Cable Car Day, Hot Heads Chili Days (17-18) and Judgement Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day............If all the cars in the world were lined up end to end, some idiot would try to pass them.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------senior joke............
Since more and more seniors are texting, a shorthand list of appropriate abbreviations is much needed. Here are some suggestions.
BFF: Best Friend Fainted.
LOL: Living on Lipitor.
OMG: Oh, my! Gas!
CGU: Can't Get Up.
FWTW: Forgot Where I Was.
FYI: Found Your Insulin.
WTBOTL: Where's The Bathroom? Oops. Too Late.
RMW: Rewriting My Will.
IWPR: I'm Wearing My Pants, Right?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out.
RMWAY: Remind Me, Who Are You?
DTSF: Don't Tweet So Fast.
GGLWO: Gotta Go, Lawrence Welk's On!
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In 1943, A wartime ban on the sale of pre-sliced bread in the U.S. -- aimed at reducing bakeries demand for metal replacement parts -- went into effect.
In 1952, Jerome "Curly" Howard of Three Stooges fame died in San Gabriel at age 48.
In 1970, David Oman McKay, the ninth president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died at the age of 96.
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Today----------Movie director John Boorman is 79, Former Sen. Paul Kirk, D-Mass., is 74 and Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 71.
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January 18th is: Winnie The Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day and National Sanctity Of Human Life (or Pro-Life) Day.
_______________________________________
Quip for the day.............A day without sunshine is........well..........dark.
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Larryj
LMDO
Should have added..............
CYHMN: Can You Hear Me Now?
Larryj
Today's...........what was first, the egg or the chicken...........
In the office where my friend works, there is a constant battle between the technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually thought to be too low.
The frustrated director, trying to get the group to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We absolutely must keep the temperature below seventy-seven degrees or the computers will overheat.
Thinking this was just another excuse, one of my friend's shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah, right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air-conditioning?"
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In 1807, Confederate general Robert E. Lee was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia.
In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.
In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the permission of President Eisenhower.
In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon nominated G. Harrold Carswell to the Supreme Court; however, the nomination was defeated because of controversy over Carswell's past racial views.
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Today-------Actress Jean Stapleton is 89, Actor Fritz Weaver is 86, Actress Tippi Hedren is 82, Former PBS newsman Robert McNeil is 81, Singer Phil Everly is 73, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 70, Actress Shelley Fabares is 68, Country singer Dolly Parton is 66, ABC newswoman Ann Compton is 65, Rock singer Martha Davis is 61, Singer Dewey Bunnell is 60 and TV chef Paula Deen is 65.
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January 19th is: Popcorn Day, Tin Can Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Women In Blue Jeans Day and Women's Healthy Weight Day.
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Quip for the day.........Those who live by the sword...........get shot by those who don't.
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Larryj
Today's-------------aha............
There was a snowstorm in South Carolina. Several inches of snow on the highways. People sliding off the road everywhere, even the police.
Mom was driving 65 mph on the freeway. She passed a patrolman. He immediately turned on his siren and pursued. She pulled over.
"Ma'am, you're driving much too fast for these conditions. Let me see your license and registration, please."
She complied, handing him her Alaska driver's license. "I just moved here," she explained.
He handed it back, tipped his cap, and said, "Please proceed on your way. Have a nice day."
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In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Vice President Richard M. Nixon were sworn in for their second terms of office in a private ceremony. (A public ceremony was held the next day.)
In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th president of the United States.
In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.
In 1986, the United States observed the first federal holiday in honor of slain civil rights leader Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the nation's 44th, as well as first African-American, president.
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Today--------Country singer Slim Whitman is 88, Comedian Arte Johnson is 83, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 82, Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 72, Singer Eric Stewart is 67, Movie director David Lynch is 66, Country-rock musician George Grantham is 65, Actor Daniel Benzali is 62, Rock musician Paul Stanley is 60 and Rock musician Ian Hill is 60.
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January 20th is: Camcorder Day, Inauguration Day, National Disc Jockey Day and International Fetish Day.
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Quip for the day.............bumper sticker...........HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
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Larryj
Today's------------from the mouths of babes...........
Children are so literal.
My 6-year-old was wearing tattered socks this morning that should have been thrown out a long time ago. At one point, he came to me and asked if he could go outside and play. I said, "With those holes in your socks?"
He said, "No, with the kids across the street."
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In 1997, Speaker Newt Gingrich was reprimanded and fined as the House voted for the first time in history to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.
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Today------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 78, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 72, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 71, Singer Richie Havens is 71, Singer Mac Davis is 70, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 65 and Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 62.
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January 21st is: National Hugging Day, AFRMA Fancy Ray & Mouse Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.........Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, still funny.......
Two old buddies, Bob and Earl, are maniac baseball fans. They promise each other that whichever one of them dies first, he will try to come back and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven.
Eventually, Bob dies. Earl is very sad. He has to go to games by himself. He has nobody to talk to, any more, about baseball.
Time passes.
One night Earl is wakened by the sound of Bob's disembodied voice. "Earl! Earl!
Earl is overjoyed. "Bob!" he exclaims. "You did it. You came back. So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
Bob: "Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven."
Earl: "That's wonderful! I don't even care what the bad news is."
Bob: "That's good, because you're pitching tomorrow."
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In 1962, one of Hollywood's most famous, as well as tumultuous, romances bloomed as Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton filmed their first scene together on the set of "Cleopatra" at the Cinecitta studios in Rome.
In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe vs. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.
In 1995, Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy died at the Kennedy compound at Hyannis Port, Mass., at age 104.
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Today--------Former Sen. Birch Bayh, D-Ind., is 84, Actress Piper Laurie is 80, Actor Seymour Cassel is 77, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 75, Actor John Hurt is 72, Singer Steve Perry is 63 and Country singer Teddy Gentry (Alabama) is 60.
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January 22nd is: Celebration of Life Day, Roe vs. Wade Day and Answer Your Cat's Questions Day.
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Quip for the day............One of the great mysteries in life is how that idiot that married your daughter is the father of such smart grandchildren.
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Larryj
Today's------this came with my name in it, I did not add it...........
Four old fellows met one day each week for golf. At the same time, the wives would play cards.
One day the ladies played cards all afternoon, the waited. The guys didn't return. The ladies waited some more. It got dark. Still they waited.
Finally, three of the fellows dragged in and the ladies demanded an explanation. One of them replied, "Well, on the 8th hole, Larry dropped dead. From then on, it was, like, 'Hit the ball ... drag Larry, hit the ball ... drag Larry....'"
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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
In 1962, Jackie Robinson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility.
In 1962, Tony Bennett recorded "I Left My Heart In San Francisco," by George Cory and Douglass Cross, in New York for Columbia Records.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.
In 2011, fitness guru Jack LaLanne died in Morro Bay, CA., at age 96.
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Today------------Sen. Frank R. Lautenberg, D-NJ., is 88, Actress Jeanne Moreau is 84, Actress Chita Rivera is 79, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 78, Actor Gil Gerard is 69, Actor Rutger Hauer is 68, Rhythm-and-blues singer Jerry Lawson (The Persuasions) is 68, Sen. Thomas R. Carper, D-Del., is 65, Singer Anita Pointer is 64, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 62 and Rock musician Bill Cunningham is 62.
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January 23rd is: Chinese New Year (we will celebrate next Saturday at the beach), National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.
___________________________________________________________
Quip for the day............The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
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Larryj
Today's------------another oldie but goodie...........
His wife's graveside service had just concluded when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the rapidly darkening sky.
The little old man turned to the pastor and said, matter-of-factly, "Well, she's there, alright."
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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in Northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of 1849.
In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.
In 1922, Christian K. Nelson of Onawa, Iowa, received a U.S. Patent for his Eskimo Pie.
In 1942, the Roberts Commission, which had looked into America's lack of preparedness for Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor, publicly released its report placing much of the blame on Rear Admiral Husband E. Kimmel and Lt. Gen. Walter C. Short, the Navy and Army commanders.
In 1989, confessed serial killer Theodore Bundy was executed in Florida's electric chair.
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Today-------------Actor Ernest Borgnine is 95, Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard of Oz") is 93, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 85, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 73, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 71, Singer Aaron Neville is 71, Actor Michael Ontkean is 66 and Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 61.
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January 24th is: Belly Laugh Day, Beer Can Day, National Compliment Day and Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day.
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Quip for the day............Light travels faster than sound.....that is why some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak.
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Larryj
Today's----------------yep.......
A tour group is being led through the Museum of Natural History.
Guide: "This specimen is 11,000,003 years old."
Tourist: "Eleven million and three?
Guide: "That's right."
Tourist: "How do you know the figure so exactly?"
Guide: "Well, when I started working here, I was told it was 11 million years old, and I have been here three years now."
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In 1949, the first Emmy Awards, honoring local Los Angeles TV programs and talent, were presented at the Hollywood Athletic Club. (The very first Emmy presented, for "Most Outstanding Personality," went to ventriloquist Shirley Dinsdale, star of the KTLA children's show "Judy Splinters.")
In 1959, American Airlines began Boeing 707 jet flight service between New York and Los Angeles.
In 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of murder and conspiracy in the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.
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Today--------------Actor Dean Jones is 81, Country singer Claude Gray is 80, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 69, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 67 and Actor Gregg Palmer is 85.
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January 25th is: A Room Of One's Own Day, Macintosh Computer Day and World Leprosy Day.
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Quip for the day........There are three kinds of people........those who can count and those who can't.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah............
While picking up a few groceries at the convenience market, two nuns find themselves in the liquor aisle. One nun says to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste nice?"
The second nun answers, "Indeed it would, Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer."
"Don't worry," the first nun says, picking up a six-pack and heading for the check stand.
"We use beer to wash our hair," the nun says to the cashier.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier takes a package of pretzel rods from a shelf behind the counter and adds it to the bag. He gives the nuns a wink and says, "The curlers are on the house."
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In 1942, the first American Expeditionary Force to go to Europe during World War II arrived in Belfast, Ireland.
In 1962, Charles "Lucky" Luciano, a leading Mafia figure in the U.S., died in Naples, Italy, at age 64.
In 1979, former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller died in New York at age 70.
In 1992, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton, appearing with his wife, Hillary, on CBS' "60 Minutes," acknowledged "causing pain in my marriage," but said past problems were not relevant to the campaign.
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Today---------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 89, Actress Joan Leslie is 87, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 83, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 77, Actor Scott Glenn is 73 and Activist Angela Davis is 68.
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January 26th is: Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day and Toad Hollow Day Of Encouragement.
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Quip for the day..........How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?
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Larryj
Today's------this is an "uh-oh."
Dr. Jones was always leaving his car keys in the ignition. His wife was always giving him a hard time about it. Now, the worst has happened. He couldn't find his car keys and he couldn't find his car. He had always assumed that the parking lot near his office was safe and secure. Apparently not.
He called the police and filed a full report. That was the easy part.
Next, after much anguish and rehearsing, he made the difficult call to his wife. "Joann, honey," he said, "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen."
There was a long silence, then his wife said, "I dropped you off this morning."
It was his turn to be silent. Deeply embarrassed, he said, "Well, come and get me."
She replied, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
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In 1880, Thomas Alva Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.
In 1945, Soviet troops liberated the Nazi concentration camps Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland.
In 1967, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.
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Today--------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 82, Actor James Cromwell is 72, Actor John Witherspoon is 70, Rock musician-producer Nick Mason is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Nedra Talley is 66 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 64.
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January 27th is: Auschwitz Liberation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, International Day Of Commemoration In Memory Of The Victims Of The Holocaust, National Preschool Fitness Day, Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day and Fun At Work Day.
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Quip for the day...........Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?
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Larryj
Today's----Yes! I'm a senior citizen......
I'm the life of the party -- even if it lasts until 8PM.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps -- with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts -- I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...
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In 1912, abstract painter Jackson Pollock was born in Cody, Wyoming.
In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life-Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.
In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after lift-off from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.
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Today------------Musician-composer Acker Bilk is 83, Actor Nicholas Pryor is 77, Actor Alan Alda is 76, Actress Susan Howard is 70, Actress Marthe Keller is 67, Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, D-N.H., is 65 and (don't choke on your beer on this one, Warph) Actress-singer Barbi Benton is 62.
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January 28th is: Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day, National Seed Swap Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.
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Quip for the day...........One out of three Americans have some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay.......................................then it must be you.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah............
Two elderly sisters won Super Bowl tickets in a church raffle.
"We don't know anything about football," Madge said to Mabel.
Mabel replied, "Who cares? Let's go!"
The two enjoyed their journey to Indianapolis. On game day they found their seats high in Lucas Oil Stadium. The crowd was noisy, but they loved the energy and sense of excitement. They admired the large, grassy expanse of the field, and they observed with interest all the pre-game activities. They watched with intense concentration the kickoff, followed by the endless back and forth struggles between the two teams. Next they were enthralled by the big half-time show starring Madonna and other performers. Then they watched as the two teams lined up for the second half kickoff.
Madge nudged Mabel and said, "I guess we can go now........................this is where we came in.
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In 1845, Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.
In 1929, The Seeing Eye, a New Jersey-based school which trains guide dogs to assist the blind, was incorporated by Dorothy Harrison Eustis and Morris Frank.
In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, NY.
In 1963, Poet Robert Frost died in Boston at age 88.
In 1990, former Exxon Valdez skipper Joseph Hazelwood went on trial in Anchorage, Alaska, on charges stemming from the 1989 oil spill. (Hazelwood was acquitted of the major charges and convicted of a misdemeanor.)
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Today----------------Actor Noel Harrison is 78, Author Germaine Greer is 73, Actress Katherine Ross is 72, Actor Tom Selleck is 67, R&B singer Bettye LaVette is 66, Actor Marc Singer is 64, Actress Ann Jillian is 62 and Rock musician Tommy Ramone is 60.
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January 29th is: Curmudgeons Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day and Seeing Eye Dog Day.
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Quip for the day............When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.............either the car is new.......................or the wife.
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Larryj
Today's------------oops............
The college football coach introduces the new recruit to the other players during the team meeting. Then he is interrupted by a phone call. After hanging up, he calls for everyone's attention and says to the recruit, "Son, you have an F in mathematics on your academic record, and it's a matter of concern. I've been told to ask you a math question. It you answer correctly, you can play. Now, we need you on this team. Do I make myself clear?"
The recruit nods.
The coach continues, "What is two plus two? Think carefully before you answer."
The recruit says, "Four."
The coach is overjoyed. He exclaimed, "Did you say four?"
The rest of the players begin shouting, "Come on, coach, give him another chance!"
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In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor was launched from the Continental Iron Works in Greenpoint, NY, during the Civil War.
In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy delivered his first State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress.
In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.
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Today--------Actress Dorothy Malone is 87, Actress Tammy Grimes is 78, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 75, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 75, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 75, Country singer Norma Jean is 74, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 71, Rock singer Marty Balin is 70, Singer Phil Collins is 61, Actor Charles S. Dutton is 61 and Actor Gene Hackman is 82.
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January 30th is: National Inane Answering Message Day, Escape Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Snagglepuss's Birthday and Yodel For Your Neighbors Day.
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Quip for the day............No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
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Larryj
Today's------------Golden football quotes...........
"Most football games are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental." NFL player and coach Doug Plank.
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Heisman Trophy winner George Rogers.
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football player and commentator Joe Theismann.
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead." Humorist Erma Bombeck.
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In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.
In 1961, NASA launched Ham the Chimp aboard a Mercury-Redstone rocket from Cape Canaveral; Ham was recovered safely from the Atlantic Ocean following a 16-minute suborbital flight.
In 1971, astronauts Alan Shepard, Edgar Mitchell and Stuart Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon.
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Today------------Actress Carol Channing is 91, Baseball Hallo-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 81, Composer Philip Glass is 75, Former Interior Secretary James Watt is 74, Actor Stuart Margolin is 72, Actress Jessica Walter is 71, Former Rep. Dick Gephardt, D-Mo., is 71, Blues singer-musician Charles Musselwhite is 68, Actor Glynn Turman is 66, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 65 and Singer-musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and the Sunshine Band) is 61.
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January 31st is: Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day, Backward Day and Inspire Your Heart With Art Day.
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Quip for the day.........I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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Larryj
Today's------------Football Q&A........
Q: What do you call a 49ers fan holding a bottle of champagne?
A: A waiter.
Q: Why are the Rams like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on television?
A: The Green Bay Packers.
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In 1862, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," a poem by Julia Ward Howe, was published in the Atlantic Monthly.
In 1943, one of America's most highly decorated military units, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team, made up exclusively of Japanese-Americans, was authorized.
In 1982, "Late Night with David Letterman" premiered on NBC.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry killing all seven crew members.
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Today-------Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 103, Actor Stuart Whitman is 84, Singer Don Everly is 75, Actor Garrett Morris is 75, Actor Sherman Hemsley is 74, TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 71, Comedian Terry Jones is 70 and Blues singer-musician Sonny Landreth is 61.
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February 1st is: Freedom Day, Car Insurance Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Moola Day, National Girls & Women In Sports Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day and Working Naked Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say.........talk in your sleep.
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Larryj
Today's-------------More golden football quotes...........
"When I was in high school, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us and had us run in a forest. The ones who ran around the trees made the basketball team. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team."
College basketball coach George Raveling.
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Football coach Knute Rockne.
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In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.
In 1887, Punxsutawney, PA., held its first Groundhog Day festival.
In 1912, Frederick R. Law parachuted from the torch of the Statue of Liberty in a stunt filmed by Pathe News.
In 1992, longtime "Miss America" emcee Bert Parks died in La Jolla, CA., at age 77.
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Today------------Actress Elaine Stritch is 87, Actor Robert Mandan is 80, Comedian Tom Smothers is 75, Rock singer-guitarist Graham Nash is 70, Actor Bo Hopkins is 70, Television executive Barry Diller is 70, Country singer Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 66, TV chef Ina Garten is 64, Actor Jack McGee is 63, Actor Brent Spiner is 63 and Rock musician Ross Valory (Journey) is 63.
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February 2nd is: Candelmas, Groundhog Day, Marmot Day, Hedgehog Day, World Wetlands Day, Imbolic and Scone Day.
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Quip for the day............A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Larryj
Today's-----------too funny.....
Many, many years from now, Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady is ushered before the throne of God. Hall of Fame quarterbacks Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning are seated beside the Almighty on smaller thrones of their own.
God speaks: "Welcome, Tom Brady. When it was Peyton's turn to stand before me, I asked him what he believed, and he told me he believed in hard work and fair play. You see him now, seated on my left side. When Tim arrived, I asked him what he believed, and he said he believed in courage, honor and faith. You see him now, seated on my right side. Now, I ask you, Tom Brady, what do you believe?"
Tom Brady answers: "I believe you're in my seat."
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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln and Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens held a shipboard peace conference off the Virginia coast; the talks deadlocked over the issue of Southern autonomy.
In 1930, the chief justice of the United States, William Howard Taft, resigned for health reasons. (He died just over a month later.)
In 1959, rock 'n' roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
In 1971, New York City police officer Frank Serpico, who had charged there was widespread corruption in NYPD, was shot and seriously wounded during a drug bust in Brooklyn.
In 1991, the rate for a first-class postage stamp rose to 29 cents.
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Today------------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 87, Former Sen. Paul Sarbanes, D-Md, is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 72, Actress Bridget Hanley is 71, Actress Blythe Danner is 69, Singer Dennis Edwards is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 67, Singer-guitarist Dave Davies (The Kinks) is 65, Singer Melanie is 65, Actress Pamela Franklin is 62 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 62.
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February 3rd is: Four Chaplains Memorial Day, The Day The Music Died, Bubble Gum Day, Give Kids A Smile Day and Wear Red Day.
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Quip for the day........Inside every older person is a younger person...........wondering what the hell happened.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------More golden football quotes............
"I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers. If I had gone into professional football, the name Jerry Ford might have meant something today."
President Gerald Ford.
"I'm a light eater. As soon as it gets light, I start to eat."
Football Hall of Famer Art Donovan
"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
Comedian Phyllis Diller.
"I always enjoy animal acts."
President Calvin Coolidge, when asked if he wanted to meet the Chicago Bears.
"I've been this big ever since I was little."
Defensive lineman William "The Refrigerator" Perry.
"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for having too many men on the field?"
Baseball pitcher Jim Bouton.
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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
In 1941, the United Service Organizations (USO) came in existence.
In 1962, a rare conjunction of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn occurred.
In 1962, St. Jude Children's Research Hospital was founded in Memphis, TN., by entertainer Danny Thomas.
In 1972, Mariner 9, orbiting Mars, transmitted images of the red planet.
In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1982, President Ronald Reagan announced a plan to eliminate all medium-range nuclear missiles in Europe.
In 1983, pop singer-musician Karen Carpenter died in Downey, CA., at age 32.
In 1987, pianist Liberace died at his Palm Springs, CA., home at age 67.
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Today-------Actor William Phipps is 90, Actor Conrad Bain is 89, Comedian David Brenner is 76, Actor Gary Conway is 76, Rock musician John Steel (The Animals) is 71, Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 68, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 65, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 64, Actor Michael Beck is 63, Actress Lisa Eichhorn is 60 and Movie director George A. Romero is 72.
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February 4th is: Laura Ingalls Wilder Day, Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day, World Cancer Day and Ice Cream For Breakfast Day.
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Quip for the day.............Every time I get the urge to exercise........I lie down til the feeling passes.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------old, but funny............
The guy is sitting in a seat on the 50-yard-line at the Super Bowl. Fantastic seat. The seat next to him is empty.
As the second half gets underway, the guy behind him can't resist asking a question. He says, "Wow, I wonder who paid all that money for that seat next to you, but couldn't make it to the game."
The first guy says, "Oh, that would have been my wife's seat, but she passed away. We've been season ticket holders for more than 10 years. She would have wanted me to be here today."
The second guy says, "I'm so sorry for your lost. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend or a loved one?"
The first guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral.
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In 1917, Congress passed, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, an immigration act severely curtailing the influx of Asians.
In 1922, the first edition of Reader's Digest was published.
In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed increasing the number of U.S. justices. Critics accused Roosevelt of attempting to "pack" the nation's highest court. (The proposal failed in Congress.)
In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.
In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepherd and Edgar Mitchell stepped onto the surface of the moon in the first of two lunar excursions.
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Today------------------Country singer Claude King is 89, The Rev. Andrew M. Greeley is 84, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 78, Actor Stuart Damon is 75, Actor David Selby is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 70, Singer Cory Wells is 70, Movie director Michael Mann is 69, Rock singer Al Kooper is 68, Actress Charlotte Rampling is 66, NASCAR Hall-of-Famer Darrell Waltrip is 65, Actress Barbara Hershey is 64, Actor Christopher Guest is 64 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 64.
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February 5th is: Movie Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA, Day, Weatherperson's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day, Dump Your Significant Other Day and Super Bowl XLVI.
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Quip for the day,,,,,,Ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but those going faster are maniacs.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah
A businessman is approached by a disheveled, smelly hobo who asks for spare change for food.
The businessman pulls a $20 bill from his money clip and says, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy beer instead of food?"
The bum says, "No, I had to stop drinking years ago."
Businessman: "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"
Bum: "I haven't smoke since I was in my 20's."
Businessman: "Will you take it to the casino and waste it on the slot machines?"
Bum: "I don't gamble. I never have."
The businessman returns the money to his pocket and says, "Come on, I want to invite you to my house. My wife is cooking dinner."
Bum: "Won't she be mad at you for bringing me along?"
Businessman: "I don't care. I want her to see what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."
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In 1778, the United States won official recognition from France with the signing of a Treaty of Alliance in Paris.
In 1959, the United States successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile from Cape Canaveral.
In 1992, 16 people were killed when a C-130 military transport plane crashed in Evansville, Indiana.
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Today--------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 95, Actor Patrick Macnee is 90, Actor Rip Torn is 81, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 81, Actor Mike Farrell is 73, Former NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw is 72, Singer Fabian is 69, Actress Gayle Hunnicutt is 69, Actor Michael Tucker is 68, Producer-director-writer Jim Sheridan is 63 and Singer Natalie Cole is 62.
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February 6th is: Lame Duck Day.
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Quip for the day...........If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in the swimming pool, would you........................go to lunch or go to the movies?
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Larryj
Today's---------yep.....
A couple with a manila envelope visits the art and framing store and tells the attendant there that they wish to purchase custom framing for a picture worth $50,000.
The attendant is a little taken aback. "We don't usually handle items that expensive, but I'm sure we can find framing for it that you will like. Did you bring the item with you?"
The woman answers, "Yes, we did."
The man pulls a piece of paper from the envelope and places it on the counter. He says, "It's our son's college diploma."
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In 1795, the Eleventh Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, dealing with states' sovereign immunity, was ratified.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized a flag for the office of the vice president.
In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs of shoes per person for the remainder of the year.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.
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Today---------Author Gay Talese is 80 and Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis., is 77.
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February 7th is: African-American Coaches Day, Ballet Day, Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day.
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Quip for the day.............Remember when $1200 used to buy a car..........now it's the sales tax.
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Larryj
Today's-----------old, funny.......
A man who has been unlucky in love walks down to the beach and gazes wistfully out to sea. An old brass bottle washes ashore. He rubs the sand away. A genie pops out.
Genie: "I will grant you any wish."
Man: "Wow, anything? Let me think. How about a bridge to Hawaii? I'd love to get away for a while."
Genie, frowning: "I can do that, but it's complicated, not to mention terribly impractical. Can't you think of a better wish?"
Man: "Well, maybe you can grant me wisdom to understand women. What makes them think the way they do? Why do they act the way they do? What do they want? What does it take to make them happy?
Genie: "Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
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In 1693, a charter was granted for the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg in the Virginia Colony.
In 1910, the Boys Scouts of America was incorporated.
In 1922, President Harding had a radio installed in the White House.
In 1968, three college students were killed in a confrontation with highway patrolmen in Orangeburg, S.C., during a civil-rights protest against a whites-only bowling alley.
In 1971, NASDAQ, the world's first electronic stock exchange held its first trading day.
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Today--------Composer-conductor John Williams is 80, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 72, Actor Nick Nolte is 71, Comedian Robert Klein is 70, Singer Ron Tyson is 64 and Actress Brooke Adams is 63.
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February 8th is: Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh and Get Rich Day and Opera Day.
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Quip for the day............I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
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Larryj
Today's-----------another oldie.......
Lady walks up, looks the pharmacist right in the eye, and says, "I need to buy some sort of pharmaceutical poison, so that I can kill someone."
The pharmacist lifts and eyebrow and says, "What?"
Lady: "I need to poison my husband."
Pharmacist: "Are you kidding? I can't help you with that. We both would end up in jail. Absolutely not!"
The lady reaches into her purse and produces a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife, locking lips at a local dive bar.
Pharmacist: "Let me see what I have in the back. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.
In 1870, the U.S. Weather Bureau was established.
In 1942, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff held its first formal meeting to coordinate military strategy during World War II.
In 1942, Daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.
In 1943, the World War II battle of Guadalcanal in the southwest Pacific ended with an Allied victory over Japanese forces.
In 1964, the Beatles made their first live American television appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show" broadcast from New York on CBS.
In 1971, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake in the San Fernando valley area of Los Angeles claimed 65 lives.
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Today---------Television journalist Roger Mudd is 84, Actress Janet Suzman is 73, Actress-politician Sheila James Kuehl ("The Many Loves of Doby Gillis") is 71, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 70, Actor Joe Pesci is 69, Singer Barbara Lewis is 69, Author Alice Walker is 68, Actress Mia Farrow is 67, Singer Joe Ely is 65, Actress Judith Light is 63 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Dennis "DT" Thomas (Kool and the Gang) is 61.
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February 9th is: Extraterrestrial Visitor Day, Read In The Bathtub Day and National Stop Bullying Day.
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Quip for the day..............By the time you reach greener pastures, you can't climb the fence.
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Larryj
Today's---------it's a two-for-one day..........
Here's the story of a couple who stayed married----under direct orders.
During World War II, a serviceman and his fiance decided on a romantic Valentine's Day wedding. But suddenly the enlistee's company based at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out. All leaves were cancelled.
The lovesick man briefly went AWOL. He and his bride were married four days earlier than originally planned, after which he returned to base and faced his angry sergeant.
After hearing his explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "OK, OK!"
Then, as an afterthought, he added, "But don't let it happen again!"
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A blonde cuts in front of a truck and the truck hits the back of her car. The truck driver motions for her to pull over which she did.
The truck driver angrily gets out of the truck and takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle and tells the blonde to stand in it and not to move.
Then he grabs a hammer and proceeds to smash the headlights and tail lights on her car and she begins to laugh. This makes him even madder so he smashes the windshield and back window and the blonde starts laughing even more. Really angry now, he takes a knife and slashes her tires. She is roaring with laughter.
He stops and says, "What is so funny?"
She says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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In 1942, RCA Victor presented Glenn Miller and his Orchestra with a "gold record" for their recording of "Chattanooga Choo Choo," which had sold more than 1 million copies.
In 1967, the 25th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.
In 1968, U.S. figure skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympics in Grenoble, France.
In 1992, Author Alex Haley died in Seattle at age 70.
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Today-------------Opera singer Leontyne Price is 85, Actor Robert Wagner is 82, Rock musician Don Wilson is 79, Singer Roberta Flack is 75, Singer Jimmy Merchant is 72, Rock musician Bob Spalding is 65 and Olympic gold-medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 62.
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February 10th is: Plimsoll Day.
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Quip for the day...........Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you would have come to me sooner!"
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah or aha........
I'm used to seeing roadside fruit and nut stands as I drive around Southern California. Occasionally, I will stop and buy.
That's what happened the other day, when I noticed a young lady changing the sign at her produce stand. I was curious about what new items or deals she might be advertising.
I parked, approached, and said, "Good morning. I see you are changing your sign."
"Yes, my boyfriend didn't like the old one," the young lady said.
"What did the old one say?" I asked.
She replied, "LOCAL HONEY DATES NUTS."
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In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln bade farewell to his adopted hometown of Springfield, IL., as he headed to Washington for his inauguration.
In 1972, McGraw-Hill Publishing Co. and Life magazine canceled plans to publish what had turned out to be a fake autobiography of reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes.
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Today----------Actor Conrad Janis is 84, Actress Tina Louise is 78, Actor Burt Reynolds is 76, Songwriter Gerry Coffin is 73, Actor Sonny Landham is 71, Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Clay is 70 and Actor Philip Anglim is 60.
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February 11th is: Be Electrific Day, Daytona Pole Day, Pro Sports Wives Day, National Shut-in Visitation Day, Satisfied Staying Single Day and White Shirt Day.
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Quip for the day.......Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one of them will stop and ask for directions.
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Larryj
Today's-----wow...
The married city couple went on a trip to the countryside to see if they could sort things out between them. It started out well, but there was a lot of bickering, too. As usual.
As they walked one day on an old farm road, they came upon a wishing well.
"I want to take a picture," the wife said.
"Whatever," the husband said.
The woman took the picture, then fished a coin out of her pocket and tossed it into the well. She smiled and said, "I made a little wish for us."
The man was touched. He remembered all the good times they had shared. He dug into his pocket for a coin, so that he could make a wish, too.
Then he stumbled and fell into the well. It took a long time for him to hit bottom. There was silence.
The wife said, "Wow, it really works!"
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In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.
In 1908, the first round-the-world automobile race began in New York. (It ended in Paris the following July with the drivers of the American car, a Thomas Flyer, declared the winners over teams from Germany and Italy.)
In 1909, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People was founded.
In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel.
In 1942, painter Grant Wood, creator of "American Gothic," died in Iowa City, Iowa, a day before his 51st birthday.
In 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.
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Today--------Movie director Franco Zeffirelli is 89, Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Joe Garagiola is 86, Former Sen. Arlen Specter, D-PA., is 82, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 78, Actor Joe Don Baker is 76, Author Judy Blume is 74, Rock musician-producer Ray Manzarek is 73, Country singer Moe Bandy is 68, Actor Cliff DeYoung is 66, Actor Michael Ironside is 62, Rock musician Steve Hackett is 62, Rock singer Michael McDonald is 60 and Actress Maud Adams is 67.
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February 12th is: Darwin Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day, Safety Pup Day and World Marriage Day.
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Quip for the day.............We are born naked, wet and hungry.......and then things get worse.
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Larryj
From Larry's post above:
"In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel."
Some of you old timers might remember Bud Collyer as the host of "Beat the Clock," a stunt game show in the 1950s in which the couple contestants had a certain amount of seconds to complete their task at hand. Sometimes the stunts were really messy involving cream pies, cakes, etc.
Today's-----------blonde joke.......
A man is driving down the highway and sees a rabbit in the road ahead. He slams on his brakes and swerves to miss the rabbit, but the rabbit runs right in front of him and gets hit by the car.
The man, being considerate and an animal lover, gets out of the car to see about the rabbit. Unfortunately, the rabbit is dead.
Along comes a blonde and sees the man sitting on the side of the road, crying and moaning.
She asks, "What is the matter?"
He says, "I hit this poor rabbit and now he is dead and I feel terrible about it."
"I think I can help," says the blonde and goes to the trunk of her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the rabbit and sprays it from head to toe. Amazingly, the rabbit jumps up and looks at the two and waves, then runs off about 50 yards, stops and waves again, and then a little bit farther, he stops and waves again.
The man says, "That is wonderful! What is in that can that can perform such miracles?"
The blonde hands him the can and says, "Just read the label."
(Here comes the punch line.)
(Are you ready?)
(Are you sure?)
"XYZ Hairspray...............restores dead hair............creates permanent wave."
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In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.
In 1935, a jury in Flemington, NJ, found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (Hauptmann was later executed.)
In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, allied warplanes destroyed an underground shelter in Baghdad that had been identified as a military command center; Iraqi officials said 500 civilians were killed.
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Today----------Former test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 89, Actress Kim Novak is 79, Actor George Segal is 78, Actress Carol Lynley is 70, Singer-musician Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 70, Actress Stockard Channing is 68, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 68, Actor Bo Svenson is 68, Singer Peter Gabriel is 62 and Actor David Naughton is 61.
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February 13th is: Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and Clean Out Your Computer Day.
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Quip for the day......If a man stands in the forest and speaks to himself with no woman around..........is he still wrong?
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Larryj
Today's.........kid got an A in math......
A little boy attended his first wedding. He paid close attention and seemed quite interested with the proceedings. Afterward, his father said to him, "You seemed to enjoy it. That's good. You'll have one of your own someday."
Boy: "I'm going to have 16 of them!"
Father, laughing, "Sixteen! How many women do you think you can marry?"
Boy: "The preacher said 16."
Father: "He did not!"
Boy: "Yes he did. I added it up. He said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer."
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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established. (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)
In 1912, Arizona became the 48th state of the Union as President William Howard Taft signed a proclamation.
In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; its first president was Maud Wood Park.
In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.
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Today------TV personality Hugh Downs is 91, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 78, Actor Andrew Prine is 76, Country singer Razzy Bailey is 73, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is 70, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 69, Movie director Alan Parker is 68, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 68, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 64 and Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 64.
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February 14th is: Extraterrestrial Culture Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Ferris Wheel Day, Library Lover's Day, Frederick Douglas Day, National Have A Heart Day, National Condom Day, (Worlds) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League Of Women Voter's Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Single Day, Race Relations Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentines Day.
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Quip for the day...........A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to survive.
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny..........
Joe answers the phone. It's his doctor.
Joe: "Well, hello, doctor. What's going on?"
Doctor: "Joe, your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news.........and worse news."
Joe: "Oh, dear."
Doctor: You had better sit down."
Joe: "OK."
Doctor: "I'm so sorry, Joe. The bad news is that the tests indicate you only have 24 hours to live."
Joe: "I........I don't know what to say. And there's news that's even worse? What could be more terrible than that?"
Doctor: "Well, I couldn't reach you yesterday."
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In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.
In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak.
In 1992, a Milwaukee jury found that Jeffrey Dalmer was sane when he killed and mutilated 15 men and boys.
In 2002, Broadcast journalist Howard K. Smith died in Bethesda, MD., at age 87.
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Today----------Actor Allan Arbus is 94, Former Defense and Energy Secretary James Schlesinger is 83, Actress Claire Bloom is 81, Author Susan Brownmiller is 77, Songwriter Brian Holland is 71, Rock musician Mick Avory is 68, Singer Melissa Manchester is 61, and Actress Jane Seymour is 61.
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February 15th is: Lupercalia, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.
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Quip for the day.........I earn a seven figure salary............unfortunately, there's a decimal involved.
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Larryj
Today's------------kids...........
For our daughter's 7th birthday we bought her a tropical fish. We also got her the tank, the pump, the little rocks, the fake treasure chest and all those other aquarium props. Basically, we got the works. We even got her a user's manual and a two-month supply of fish food.
Our daughter seemed overjoyed. We were pleased, but we exchanged those looks that mean, "We'll see how long this lasts."
A couple weeks later, our daughter still was talking about her fish. A good sign. I asked her, "Have you named your fish yet?"
She replied, "Oh, it already had a name."
I said, "Really?"
She said, "Yes, its name is Sparingly."
I laughed, and said, "Sparingly? Where did you get the idea that its name is Sparingly?"
She answered, "I read it in the book. It says, 'Feed Sparingly Twice Daily.'"
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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates.
In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City.
In 1937, Dr. Wallace H. Carothers, a research chemist for Du Pont who'd invented nylon, received a patent for the synthetic fiber.
In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.
In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.
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Today---------Singer Patti Andrews is 94, Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 67, Actor William Katt is 61 and Rhythm-and-blues singer James Ingram is 60.
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Quip for the day.........I'm going to start thinking positive.............but I know it won't work.
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Larryj
B-o-o! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Today's---------was good for me, too.......
That Army gig is a good deal. Let me tell you about my nephew.
He was one of those guys who always seemed to be broke. I helped him when I could, but money went through him like water through a sieve.
When he joined the service, he had 10 bucks to his name. I didn't see him for a long time, but he wrote to me every week and called me once a month. He never said a word about money. He never asked for any.
He served his country proudly. And then his enlistment was up. When he got out, he visited me. I asked him how he was fixed for money. He checked his wallet and there was a $5 bill in it. That's it.
I said, "So, you had $10 going in, and you have $5 coming out. I don't care what you say about the Army.......it's a real bargain. How else can you live for three years for only 5 bucks?"
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In 1865, Columbia, S.C., burned as the Confederates evacuated and Union forces moved in. (It's not clear which side set the blaze.)
In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.
In 1933, Newsweek was first published by Thomas J. C. Martyn under the title "News-Week."
In 1947, the Voice Of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.
In 1959, the United States launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment on board.
In 1988, Lt. Col. William Higgins, a Marine Corps officer serving with a United Nations truce monitoring group, was kidnapped in southern Lebanon by Iranian-backed terrorists. (He was later slain by his captors.)
In 1992, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced in Milwaukee to life in prison. (He was beaten to death by a fellow inmate in Nov. 1994.)
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February 17th is: National PTA Founders Day, My Way Day and World Human Spirit Day.
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Quip for the day..............If the enemy is within range.............so are you.
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Larryj
Today's------------kids say......
Mom is tucking her young son into bed. A big storm has moved in. There is thunder and lightning. The wind is shaking the trees. Their branches are scraping against the windows.
Johnny: "I'm scared, Mommy. Can't you stay here with me?"
Mom, smiling and giving him a hug: "Don't be scared, son. Be a brave boy. You're not a baby anymore."
Johnny: "Why can't you stay?"
Mom: "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
Johnny, after a moment's thought: "You have to sleep in Daddy's room?"
Mom: "Yes, your Daddy."
Johnny: "What a baby!"
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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the United States for the first time.
In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet") was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.
In 1953, "Bwana Devil," the movie that heralded the 3D fad of the 1950s, had its New York opening.
In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 (those convictions were later reversed.)
In 1972, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's death penalty.
In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its maiden "flight" above the Mojave Desert.
In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt Sr. died in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.
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Today------Former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown is 90, Actor George Kennedy is 87, Former Sen. John Warner, R-VA., is 85, Author Toni Morrison is 81, Movie director Milos Forman is 80, Singer Yoko Ono is 79, Singer-songwriter Bobby Hart is 73, Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 71, Singer Dennis DeYoung is 65, Actress Sinead Cusack is 64, Actress Cybil Shepherd is 62, Singer Juice Newton is 60 and Singer Randy Crawford is 60.
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February 18th is: Battery Day, Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day and Pluto Day.
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Quip for the day................It IS as BAD as you thing and they ARE out to get you.
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Larryj
Today's-----------oops.........
Little Suzie was reading the big Bible that had belonged to the family for generations. She was reading about Adam and Eve.
At one point she stood up from her chair and an old pressed oak leaf fell out of the Bible and fluttered onto the floor.
Suzie gasped.
Mom, who had just walked into the room, said, "What's wrong, Suzie?"
Suzie: "Look what just fell out of the Bible!"
Mom: "What is it?"
Suzie: "I think it's Adam's underwear."
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In 1846, the Texas state government was formally installed in Austin, with J. Pinckney Henderson taking the oath of office as governor.
In 1878, Thomas Alva Edison received a U.S. patent for "an improvement in phonograph or speaking machines."
In 1881, Kansas prohibited the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages.
In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.
In 1983, 13 people were found shot to death at a gambling club in Seattle's Chinatown in what became known as the Wah Mee Massacre. (Two Chinese immigrants were convicted of the killings and sentenced to life in prison.)
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Today-----------Actress Carlin Glynn is 72, Singer Lou Christie is 69, Actor Stephen Nichols is 61, Author Amy Tan is 60 and singer Smokey Robinson is 72.
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February 19th is: Chocolate Mint Day and Iwo Jima Day.
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Quip for the day..............If at first you don't succeed.............destroy all the evidence that you tried.
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Larryj
Today's------------another "kids......."
Miss Pricklethorn, the teacher, discovered one of her first-graders, Tommy, making faces during recess.
"Tommy!" she admonished him. "Don't you know that if you make ugly faces like that, your face will freeze that way, and you'll look like that forever!"
Tommy was shocked. "Really?" he said.
"Yes, really," the teacher said, turning to leave.
Tommy: "Miss Pricklethorn?"
Teacher, turning back, "Yes?"
Tommy: "Is that what happened to you?"
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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.
In 1809, the Supreme Court ruled that no state legislature could annul the judgements or determine the jurisdiction of federal courts.
In 1907, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an immigration act which excluded "idiots, imbeciles, feeble minded persons, epileptics, insane persons" from being admitted to the United States.
In 1944, during World War II, U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers in a series of attacks that became known as "Big Week."
In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Project Mercury's Friendship 7 spacecraft.
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Today----------Fashion designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 88, Actor Sidney Poitier is 85, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 78, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 75, Singer-songwriter Buffy Sainte-Marie is 71, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 70, Movie director Mike Leigh is 69, Actor Peter Strauss is 65, Singer-musician-producer Walter Becker (Steely Dan) is 62, Actor John Voldstad is 61 and Actress Sandy Duncan is 66.
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February 20th is: Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day, President's Day and World Day For Social Justice.
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Quip for the day............Whenever I look for something, it's always in the last place I look.
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Larryj
Today's---------more "kids".............
That Devon! He must have been born full of jumping beans. He always seemed to be running around causing mischief.
Finally, one day, when he was acting up even more that usual, his exasperated mother asked him, "Devon, how do you expect to get into Heaven, as naughty as you are?"
Devon stopped and thought about it for a moment. Then he said, "Well, I guess I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and I'll slam the door each time, until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Devon, come in or stay out!' Then I'll march right in."
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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon, captured at sea with nearly 900 Africans aboard his ship, the Erie, became the first and only American slave trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820 as he was hanged in New York.
In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
In 1912, the Great Fifth Ward Fire broke out in Houston, Texas; although property losses topped $3 million, no one was killed in the blaze.
In 1945, during the World War II Battle of Iwo Jima, the escort carrier USS Bismarck Sea was sunk by kamikazes with the loss of 318 men.
In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.
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Today---------Movie director Bob Rafelson is 79, Actor-director Richard Beymer is 73, Actor Alan Rickman is 66, Actress Tyne Daly is 66, Actor Anthony Daniels is 66 and Tricia Nixon Cox is 66.
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February 21st is: Pancake Day aka Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Paczki Day and Shrove Tuesday.
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Quip for the day................There are three kinds of people........those who can count and those who can't.
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny.........
I would like to share a sobering experience about drinking and driving that hopefully will prove instructive to others.
Many of us have been careless on occasion at this or that social function, and have taken chances when it comes to driving afterward.
Let me tell you my story.
A couple of nights ago I was out for the evening with some reunited friends and we had a few too many drinks. It started with a cocktail, then there was wine and champagne with dinner, followed by another cocktail or two afterward.
Knowing full well I was over the legal limit for driving, I made a decision, and I took a bus home.
I arrived safely and without incident.
It was a real relief, let me tell you, because I had never driven a bus before.
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In 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born in Westmoreland County in the Virginia Colony.
In 1862, Jefferson Davis, already the provisional president of the Confederacy, was inaugurated for six-year term following his election in November 1861.
In 1865, Tennessee adopted a new constitution that included the abolition of slavery.
In 1909, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.
In 1935, it became illegal for airplanes to fly over the White House.
In 1959, the inaugural Daytona 500 race was held; although Johnny Beauchamp was initially declare the winner, the victory was later awarded to Lee Petty.
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Today-----------Announcer Don Pardo is 94, Actor Paul Dooley is 84, Hollywood "ghost-singer" Marni Nixon is 82, Movie director Jonathan Demme is 68, Actor John Ashton is 64, Actress Miou-Miou is 62, Actress Julie Walters is 62, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 62 and Actress Ellen Greene is 61.
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February 22nd is: Ash Wednesday, Lent, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day, George Washington's Birthday, National Margarita Day and Inconvenience Yourself Day.
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Quip for the day............My brother was so ugly my mom had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.
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Larryj
Today's-------------ouch.........
The CEO of a small company was a bit of a pushover. He was quiet and mild-mannered, and his employees took advantage of that fact. They felt comfortable speaking up and saying what was on their minds around him.
In his opinion, they talked back a little more than he liked. He would never say so, in public, but privately he felt he deserved more respect.
One day he quietly added a sign outside his office door that read, "I AM THE BOSS!"
When discovered, the sign provoked a few raised eyebrows and even a little giggling among the staff.
Next day, the CEO arrived at work to discover that someone had added a Post-It note to his new sign. It said:
"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1848, the sixth president of the United States, John Quincy Adams, died in Washington, D.C., at age 80.
In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take office, following word of a possible assassination plot in Baltimore.
In 1942, the first shelling of the U.S. mainland during World War II occurred as a Japanese submarine fired on an oil refinery near Santa Barbara, CA., causing little damage.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi.
In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburgh.
In 1965, film comedian Stan Laurel, 74, died in Santa Monica, CA.
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Today---------Actor Peter Fonda is 72, Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 69, Author John Sandford is 68, Singer-musician Johnny Winter is 68, Country-rock musician Rusty Young is 66, Actress Patricia Richardson is 61 and Rock musician Brad Whitford (Aerosmith) is 60.
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February 23rd is: Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day, Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day and National Chili Day.
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Quip for the day.........When she saw her first strand of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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Larryj
Today's------------uh oh........
It was men's night at group counseling. They went around the circle and each one of the guys had a chance to talk, to vent, to say his piece, speak his mind, sound off, unburden himself and get things off his chest.
When it was his turn, William said, "You know what really bugs me more than anything? It's the way my wife keeps talking about her first husband."
On the other side of the circle, Robert piped up, "You think that's bad? My wife keeps talking about her next husband!"
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Today------------Actor Stephen Hill is 90, Actor-singer Dominic Ghianese is 81, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 80, Actor Barry Bostwick 67, Actor Edward James Olmos is 65, Singer-writer-producer Rupert Holmes is 65, Rock musician George Thorogood is 62, Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 61, Actress Helen Shaver is 61 and Actor Abe Vigoda is 91.
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In 1912, the American Jewish women's organization Hadassah was founded in New York City.
In 1961, the Federal Communications Commission authorized the nation's first full-scale trial of pay television in Hartford, Connecticut.
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February 24th is: National Trading Card Day.
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Quip for the day.............How ironic would it be if someone choked to death on a Lifesaver?
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Larryj
As far as the quip....Supposedly as a sales gimmick, life savers have that hole in them so one cannot choke. A bit of a double entendre.
Today's--------hah.........
A woman was on trial for the murder of her husband. The case was air-tight.
Seemingly.
But when it became time for the jury to deliberate, they were out for hours. Then days. Finally, they returned with a verdict.
Not guilty.
Everyone gasped.
Afterward, reporters quizzed jury members and learned that the acquittal was due to the stubborn efforts of one little old lady on the jury.
When pressed for an explanation, the little old lady said, "Well, I suppose I felt sorry for her. After all, she's a widow, you know."
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In 1836, Samuel Colt patented his revolver.
In 1901, United States Steel Corp. was incorporated by J.P. Morgan.
In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.
In 1950, "Your Show of Shows," starring Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner and Howard Morris, debuted on NBC-TV.
In 1964, Cassius Clay (later Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight champion by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.
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Today------------Country singer Ralph Stanley is 85, Actor Tom Courtenay is 75, CBS Newsman Bob Schieffer is 75, Actress Diane Baker is 74, Actress Karen Grassle is 70, Humorist Jack Handley is 63 and Movie director Neil Jordan is 62.
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February 25th is: American Birkenbeider Race Day, International Sword Swallower's Day and Open That Bottle Night.
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Quip for the day............I work for myself, which is great, except for when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
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Larryj
Today's------------third grader, but I had to think for a minute............
After the flood waters had subsided, and Noah had seen the last of his animal passengers onto dry land, he made a tour of the Ark and came across two snakes crying in the corner.
"What do we have here?" he said. "Why are you crying, little snakes?"
Sobbed one of them, "Because you won't let us off the boat."
Noah: "Whatever do you mean?"
Snake: "You told all the creatures to go forth and multiply."
Noah: "So why don't you do it?"
Snake: (here it comes.)
(wait for it.)
(are you ready?)
Snake: "BECAUSE WE'RE ADDERS!"
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In 1861. Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, NY., received its initial funding form its namesake, businessman Matthew Vassar.
In 1919, President Wilson signed a measure establishing Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.
In 1962, after becoming the first American to orbit the Earth, astronaut John Glenn told a joint meeting of Congress, "Exploration and the pursuit of knowledge have always paid dividends in the long run."
In 1970, National Public Radio was incorporated.
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Today-------------Singer Fats Domino is 84, Country-rock musician Paul Cotton (Poco) is 69, Actor-director Bill Duke is 69, Singer Mitch Ryder is 67 and rock musician Jonathan Cain (Journey) is 62.
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February 26th is: National Personal Chef's Day, Levi Strauss Day, Academy Awards Night and For Pete's Sake Day.
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Quip for the day..............If sponges in the oceans didn't exist, they would be deeper.
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Larryj
Today's------------love this one............
The new commander was familiarizing himself with the camp's water supply. He asked the sergeant to brief him on what steps were being taken to guard against contamination.
"Well, sir," the sergeant said, "First, we boil it."
"Well done," the commander said, nodding.
"Then we filter it," the sergeant added.
"Very good," the commander replied, again nodding his approval.
The sergeant went on, "And then, just to be on the safe side, we drink beer."
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In 1911, inventor Charles F. Kettering demonstrated his electric automobile starter in Detroit by starting a Cadillac's motor with just the press of a switch, instead of hand-cranking.
In 1922, the Supreme Court, in Leser v. Garnett, unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of women to vote.
In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.
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Today---------Actress Joanne Woodward is 82, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 78, Actor Howard Hesseman is 72 and Actress Debra Monk is 63.
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February 27th is: Orthodox Green Monday, Orthodox Lent Begins and Punch The Clock Day.
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Quip for the day............Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic? He threw himself behind the bus.
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Larryj
Today's-------------smart man.........
The pastor of a small-town church was walking home one evening, after working late, and he came upon one of his parishioners staggering back and forth along the sidewalk.
"Let me help you home, Mickey," the minister said, placing an arm around the inebriated fellow and guiding him to his house a block away.
At the door, poor Mickey pleaded with his benefactor to step inside for a moment, but the reverend demurred on the grounds that it was late.
"Please, just for one second," Mickey begged. "I want the missus to see who I've been out with tonight!"
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In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to serve warrants on the Branch Davidians; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.
In 1997, in North Hollywood, CA., two heavily armed and armored robbers bungled a bank heist and came out firing, unleashing their arsenal on police, bystanders, cars and TV choppers before they were killed.
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Today--------Producer Saul Zaentz is 91, Actor Charles Durning is 89, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 81, Actor Don Francks is 80, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 73, Hall-of-Fame Auto racer Mario Andretti is 72, Actress Kelly Bishop is 68, Actress Stephanie Beacham is 65, Actress Mercedes Ruehl is 64, Actress Bernadette Peters is 64 and Actress Ilene Graff is 63.
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February 28th is: Floral Design Day, International Pancake Day, National Tooth Fairy Day, Rare Disease Day and Spay Day USA.
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Quip for the day.......You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
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Larryj
Today's----------okay.............
In 1996, I was a charter bus driver for a local travel company. One day, during a lunch stop, I struck up a conversation with a married couple who were among my passengers.
They decided to test me with a riddle. They had been married for 40 years, but were just celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. Could I guess the explanation?
I laughed. They had picked the wrong person. I immediately answered, "You were married on February 29, 1956. It was a Leap Day, which only happens every four years. So you have only had ten anniversaries."
They were amazed, until I explained, "I was born on the same day you were married. That's how I know, because I have only had 10 birthdays!"
We shared a good laugh, then I added, "Please don't tell the others that their bus is being driven by a ten-year-old!"
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In 1940, "Gone With the Wind" won eight Academy Awards, including best picture of 1939; Hattie McDaniel won for best supporting actress, the first black performer so honored.
In 1996, Daniel Green was convicted in Lumberton, N.C., of murdering the father of basketball star Michael Jordan.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson's National Advisory Commission of Civil Disorders (also known as the Kerner Commission) warned that racism was causing America to move "toward two societies, one black, one white --- separate and unequal."
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Today------Actress Michele Morgan is 92, Former All-Star baseball player Al Rosen is 88, Actor Joss Ackland is 84, Actor Alex Rocco is 76, Former space shuttle astronaut Jack Lousma is 76, Actor Dennis Farina is 68 and Actress Phyllis Frelich is 68.
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February 29th is: Bachelor's Day, International Underlings Day and Leap Year Day.
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Quip for the day..............What kind of Doctor fixes websites? A URLogist.
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Larryj
Today's------------ouch.........
The henpecked husband was encouraged by his psychiatrist to be more assertive. "Stop letting your wife bully you," the doctor said.
The man went home, slammed the door and announced in a loud voice, "See here, from now on I am in charge of this household. You will be taking your directions from me. I don't want any back talk or arguments about anything. A new era dawns right now. In fact, I am going out on the town tonight and I am going alone. I am wearing my best tuxedo, and I'll let you guess who is going to help me put it on."
The wife said, "The undertaker?"
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In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, N.J. (Remains identified as those of the child were found the following May.)
In 1962, an American Airlines Boeing 707 on a scheduled flight to Los Angeles crashed after taking off from New York's Idlewild Airport, killing all 95 people on board.
In 1962, the first Kmart store opened in Garden City, Michigan.
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Today------Actor Robert Clary is 86, Singer Harry Belafonte is 85, Former U.S. Solicitor General Robert H. Bork is 85, Actor Robert Conrad is 77, Rock singer Mike D'Abo (Manfred Mann) is 68, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 68, Actor Dirk Benedict is 67 and Actor Alan Thicke is 65.
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March 1st is: Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day, National Horse Protection Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Retired, Not Retired Day, Witch Hysteria Day, World Book Day and World Compliment Day.
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Quip for the day.........It is no coincidence that man's best friend can't talk.
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Larryj
Today's---------wise........
Well, that Abraham Lincoln did have a certain way with words, didn't he? And he had a good head on his shoulders, too.
The 16th president once was taken to task by a member of his staff, who complained that Lincoln was far too accommodating to his critics and detractors.
"You're the president," the aide said. "Why do you try to make friends of your enemies? You should do your best to destroy them."
Lincoln replied gently, with a smile, "Now, hold on. Am I not, in fact, destroying my enemies when I make them my friends?"
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In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act.
In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points for the Philadelphia Warriors in a game against the New York Knicks, an NBA record that still stands. (Philadelphia won, 169-147.)
In 1972, the United States launched the Pioneer 10 space probe, which flew past Jupiter in late 1973, sending back images and scientific data.
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Today------------Actor John Cullum is 82, Author Tom Wolfe is 82, Actress Barbara Luna is 73, Actor Jon Finch is 71, Author John Irving is 70, Singer Lou Reed is 70, Actress Cassie Yates is 61 and Actress Lorraine Newman is 60.
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March 2nd is: Dress In Blue Day, Dr. Seuss Day, Employee Appreciation Day and NEA's Read Across America Day.
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Quip for the day.......WARNING!!! There's a new computer virus called the Disney Virus.........makes your computer go Goofy.
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Larryj
Today's------------Hah..........
The handsome young husband and his much older, much richer wife are dining at their favorite restaurant.
At one point, another handsome young man walks into the restaurant, spots the woman, stops to say hello, then kisses her on the mouth before leaving.
The shocked husband says, "Who was that?"
His wife replies, "My yoga instructor."
The husband, angry, says, "You take me for a fool. I know you are seeing other men. I want a divorce."
She puts down her wine glass and replies, "OK, but that will mean no more vacations for you at our condo in Hawaii, no more ski trips to Aspen, no more house in Malibu, no more Jaguar in the garage, no more yacht at the marina. You decide."
Just then, a mutual acquaintance enters the restaurant. She is accompanied by a much younger man.
The husband asks, "Who's that man with Alexandria?"
The wife replies, "That's her yoga instructor."
The husband says, "Ours is better looking."
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In 1887, Anne Sullivan arrived at the Tuscumbia, Alabama, home of Captain and Mrs. Arthur H. Keller to become the teacher for their blind and deaf 6-year-old daughter, Helen.
In 1923, Time magazine, founded by Briton Hadden and Henry R. Luce, made its debut.
In 1931, President Hoover signed a congressional resolution making "The Star-Spangled Banner" the national anthem of the United States.
In 1969, Apollo 9 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a mission to test the lunar module.
In 1991, motorist Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police officers in a scene captured on amateur video.
In 1991, twenty-five people were killed when a United Airlines Boeing 737-200 crashed while approaching the Colorado Springs airport.
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Today-----Bluegrass singer-musician Doc Watson is 89, Movie producer-director George Miller is 67, Actress Hattie Winston is 67, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 65 and Actor-director Tim Kazurinsky is 62.
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March 3rd is: International Sister Cities Day, I Want You To Be Happy Day, National Anthem Day and What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day.
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Quip for the day..........The worst possible moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful........and has no one to thank.
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Larryj
Today's----------HELP ME! I'm having a Warph moment............
I'm working on the best golf book ever. Here's the table of contents so far. It gives you an idea.
Chapter 1 -- How To Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 -- How To Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee.
Chapter 3 -- How To Get More Distance Off The Shank.
Chapter 4 -- How To Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go In The Water.
Chapter 5 -- Appropriate Things To Say To The Foursome That Plays Through Your Twosome.
Chapter 6 -- How To Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off The Tee.
Chapter 7 -- How To Properly Grip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 8 -- The Power Of Prayer.
Chapter 9 -- The Consolations Of Drink.
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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York. (The lawmakers then adjourned for lack of a quorum.)
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th president of the United States.
In 1861, the U.S. Government Printing Office began operation.
In 1861, the Confederate States of America adopted as its flag the original version of the Stars and Bars.
In 1930, Coolidge Dam in Arizona was dedicated by its namesake, former President Calvin Coolidge.
In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.
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Today--------Actress Paula Prentiss is 74, Movie Director Adrian Lyne is 71, Singer Bobby Womack is 68, Rock musician Chris Squire is 64, Singer Shakin' Stevens is 64, Author James Ellroy is 64, Singer Chris Rea is 61 and Actor Ronn Moss is 60.
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March 4th is: Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, Daughters' and Sons' Day, Iditarod, International Scrapbooking Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day and Toy Soldier Day.
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Quip for the day.......What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? The hunter lies in wait. The fisherman waits and lies.
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Larryj
Will your book have a page or two about how to whack the kid with the air horn with your ball retriever and get away with it?
Today's------------big ouch............
The woman marched brusquely into the china shop and confronted the sales assistant.
"I've just broken a large set of heavy dinner plates over my husband's head," she announced, "and now I must buy another large set to replace them."
"Good heavens!" the wide-eyed attendant exclaimed. "Did you kill him?"
"Of course I didn't kill him, you fool!" the woman snapped. "If I had, I wouldn't need another set of plates for the next time, now would I?"
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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers opened fire of a violent mob of colonists, killing five people.
In 1946, Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri.
In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood; he was 33.
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Today-------Actor James Noble is 90, Actor James B. Sikking is 78, Actor Dean Stockwell is 76, Actor Fred Williamson is 74, Actress Samantha Eggar is 73, Actor Michael Warren is 66, Actor Eddie Hodges is 65, Singer Eddy Grant is 64 and Rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 60.
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March 5th is: Casimir Pulaski Day, Fun Facts About Names Day and Saint Piran's Day.
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Quip for the day............When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah............
The young lady belonged to a very wealthy family, and the young man was poor but honest. She liked him as a friend, but that was all, and he knew it.
One evening he said, "You are very rich."
She replied, "Yes, I am worth about $200 million."
He: "Will you marry me?"
She: "No."
He: "I thought you wouldn't."
She: "Then why did you ask me?"
He: "I just wanted to see what it feels like to lose $200 million."
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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.
In 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott vs. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.
In 1902, Congress passed a measure creating a Census Office in the Department of the Interior. (The office was moved to the Department of Commerce and Labor the following year.)
In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies (originally called "biscuits) were introduced by Nabisco.
In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full-scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.
In 1967, the daughter of Josef Stalin, Svetlana Alliluyeva, appeared at the U.S. Embassy in New Delhi and declared her intention to defect to the West.
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Today------------Orchestra conductor Julius Rudel is 91, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 86, Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez is 85, Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova is 75, Country singer Doug Dillard is 75, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 72, Actor Ben Murphy is 70, Singer Mary Wilson (The Supremes) is 68, Actress Anna Maria Horsford is 65, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 65 and Singer Kiki Dee is 65.
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March 6th is: Namesake Day, Peace Corp Birthday, Unique Names Day and U.S. Snowshoe Day.
_______________________________________________________
Quip for the day........I gave my wife a mood ring the other day. When she is in a good mood, it turns green. When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
_______________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------another "hah".......
Did you hear about the shipyard worker whose wife had a baby?
One day, not long after the birth, the young mother said to he husband, "I suppose we must look into arrangements for having the baby christened." She was surprised when he appeared absolutely horror-stricken.
"What's wrong?" she asked him.
The dock worker replied, "You mean to say you would let somebody hit our little baby over the head with a bottle?"
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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.
In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.
In 1965, a march by civil rights demonstrators was broken up in Selma, Alabama, by state troopers and a sheriff's posse.
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Today--------Photographer Lord Snowden is 82, TV personality Willard Scott is 78, Auto racer Janet Guthrie is 74, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 72, Former Walt Disney Co. chief executive officer Michael Eisner is 70, Rock musician Chris White is 69, Actor John Heard is 66, Rock singer Peter Wolf is 66, Rock musician Matthew Fisher is 66, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 62, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 60 and R&B singer Ernie Isley is 60.
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March 7th is: Learn What Your Name Means Day, National Be Heard Day, World Maths Day and Cereal Day.
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Quip for the day.........A sign you have grown up.......You keep more food in the fridge than beer.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------so true......
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink The woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water." "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!!"
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In 1782, the Gnadenhutten massacre took place as more than 90 Indians were slain by militiamen in Ohio in retaliation for raids carried out by other Indians.
In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclad CSS Virginia rammed and sank the USS Cumberland and heavily damaged the USS Congress, both frigates, off Newport News, VA.
In 1965, the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S air base at Da Nang.
In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight of the Century" at Madison Square Garden in New York.
In 1971, silent film star Harold Lloyd died in Beverly Hills at age 77.
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Today-------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 76, Baseball player-turned-author Jim Bouton is 73, Songwriter Carole Bayer Sager is 68, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 66, Pop singer Peggy March is 64 and Actor-director Mickey Dolenz is 67.
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March 8th is: Day For Women's Rights and International Peace, Girl's Write Now Day, International Women's Day, International Working Women's Day, Name Tag Day, National Proof Reading Day, National Agriculture Day, National Peanut Cluster Day, Organize Your Office Day, Purim and World Kidney Day.
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Quip for the day.......No matter how hard you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------play on words time............
The mathematics professor was 45 minutes into his lecture on differential equations, and he was scribbling on the blackboard as fast as he was talking.
In making one especially important point, he turned from the blackboard and scanned the whole assembly of students. He stopped, mid-sentence, when he noticed that one student in the top row was fast asleep.
Frowning, he rapped on the blackboard with his chalk and shouted, "Williams! Williams! Board!"
The student, startled awake, called back, "Yes, sir, very."
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In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merimac) clashed for five hours to a draw at Hampton Roads, VA.
In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-communism campaign on "See It Now."
In 1997, gansta rapper The Notorious B.I.G., whose real name was Christopher Wallace, was killed in a still-unsolved drive-by shooting in Los Angeles; he was 24.
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Today-----------Former New York Sen. James L. Buckley is 89, Singer-actress Keely Smith is 80, Singer Lloyd Price is 79, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 78, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 76, Actress Trish Van Devere is 71, Singer Mark Lindsay is 70, Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 69, Rock musician Robin Trower is 67, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 64, Country musician Jimmie Fadden is 64, Actress Jaime Lyn Bauer is 63 and Country singer Mickey Gilley is 76.
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March 9th is: Barbie Day, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Middle Name Pride Day and Panic Day.
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Quip for the day............Logo on a truck, "We go the extra mile." Under which someone wrote, "Missed the last exit."
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Larryj
Today's---------hah....
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is overworked that day and makes a mistake. He accidentally sends the engineer to Hell.
Well, the engineer is not happy with the level of comfort there. He begins to design and build upgrades. Soon, Hell has air conditioning and a swim gym.
One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Great! That new engineer of ours is amazing."
God: "What! You have an engineer? That's a mistake. Send him to me."
Satan: "Not a chance."
God: "Send him back or I'll sue!"
Satan: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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In 1876, the first successful voice transmission over Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took place in Boston as his assistant heard Bell say, "Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you."
In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.
In 1933, a magnitude 6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, CA., resulted in 120 deaths.
In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.)
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Today--------Talk show host Ralph Emery is 79, Bluegrass/country singer-musician Norman Blake is 74, Actor Chuck Norris is 72, Playwright David Rabe is 72, Singer Dean Torrence is 72, Actress Katharine Houghton is 67 and Rock musician Tom Scholz is 65.
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March 10th is: Genealogy Day, International Day of Awesomeness, International Fanny Pack Day, Land Line Telephone Day, Mario Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day and Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......How many roads must a man travel before he admits he's lost?
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Larryj
Today's-------Hah...........
Two bored casino dealers are waiting around for someone to try their luck at the craps table. Suddenly, a very attractive lady in a fur coat approaches and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
The lady removes her fur coat. She is wearing the skimpiest bikini ever seen. She rolls the dice and yells, "Mama needs a new set of clothes!" Then she starts jumping up and down, hugging both of the dealers and screaming, "Yes! I win! I win!"
She scoops up her money, all the chips, her fur coat and vanishes.
The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching!"
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In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.
In 1977, more than 130 hostages held in Washington, D.C. by Hanafi Muslims were freed after ambassadors from three Islamic nations joined the negotiations.
In 2011, a magnitude-9.0 earthquake and resulting tsunami struck Japan's northeastern coast, a combined disaster that killed nearly 20,000 people and caused grave damage to the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power station in the world's worst nuclear accident since Chernobyl.
In 2011, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker signed a measure to eliminate most union rights for public employees, a proposal which had provoked three weeks of loud, relentless protests.
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Today------------Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 81, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 78, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 76, Musician Flaco Jimenez is 73, Actress Tricia O'Neil is 67, Actor Mark Metcalf if 66, Rock singer-musician is 65, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 62, Movie director Jerry Zucker is 62 and Actress Susan Richardson is 60.
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March 11th is: Check Your Batteries Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Johnny Appleseed Day, World Plumbing Day and Girl Scout Sunday.
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Quip for the day........You know it's a no frills airline when the pilot asks you to chip in for gas.
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Larryj
Today's--------Vocabulary lesson for men.......Things women say...........
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with '"Nothing" usually end in "Fine."
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying FORGET YOU!
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In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1912, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. had its beginnings as Juliette Gordon Lowe of Savannah, Georgia, founded the first American troop of the Girl Guides.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman established what became known as the "Truman Doctrine" to help Greece and Turkey resist Communism.
In 1951, "Dennis the Menace," created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, made its syndicated debut in 16 newspapers.
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Today-------Playwright Edward Albee is 84, Former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young is 80, Actress Barbara Feldon is 79, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 76, Singer Al Jarreau is 72, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 66, Former Massachusetts Gov. Milt Romney is 65, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 64, Rock singer-musician Bill Payne (Little Feat) is 63 and Actor Jon Provost ("Lassie") is 62.
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March 12th is: Girl Scout Birthday Day and Napping Day.
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Quip for the day............A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of whole new argument.
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Larryj
Today's--------ouch........
Wilhelmina, an attractive society lady new in town, is mingling at the club. The other ladies are curious about her, so there's a crowd around her when she makes a surprise announcement.
"I'm about to marry for the fourth time!" she says.
Jean: "How wonderful for you. Let's hope the fourth time is a charm."
Anne: "Yes, you've been unlucky in love, my dear."
Wilhelmina: "Oh, I'm not the one who has been unlucky. My first husband ate poison mushrooms and died."
Kay: "How awful. What about your second husband?"
Wilhelmina: "He also ate poison mushrooms and died."
Bess: "How tragic! I'm almost afraid to ask about your third husband."
Wilhelmina: "He died of a broken neck."
Other ladies: "A broken neck!"
Wilhelmina: "Yes, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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In 1639, New College was renamed Harvard College for clergyman John Harvard.
In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners, effectively superseding the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850.
In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution. (Gov. Austin Peay signed the measure on March 21.)
In 1980, Ford Motor Chairman Henry Ford II announced he was stepping down, the same day a jury in Winamac, IN, found the company not guilty of reckless homicide in the fiery deaths of three young women in a Ford Pinto.
In 1992, the U.S. House of Representatives, trying to weather a politically embarrassing firestorm, voted unanimously to publicly identify 355 current and former members who had overdrawn their accounts at the House bank.
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Today-----------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 82, Country singer Jan Howard is 82, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 79, singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 73 and Actor William H. Macy is 62.
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March 13th is: Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, National Agriculture Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day and National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day.
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Quip for the day............Love may be blind............but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Larryj
Today's----------wise.........
The old Navajo chief Two Eagles was asked to share his wisdom and perspective on the American experience.
He thought a long while, then answered, "For many thousands of years this land was managed by the indigenous people who came here first. There were no taxes and no debt. Food was plentiful. There was shelter for all. The waters were pure and the sky was clean and blue. Our men and women celebrated each other's company joyously and without hang-ups. We enjoyed the bountiful healing and exhilarating powers of native plants. We danced late into the night to the sounds of live music with a good beat. For many thousands of years we lived this way. Life was good."
The great chief paused, then spoke again. "Then the white man arrived. He has spent the last few hundred years trying to come up with a better system."
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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.
In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.
In 1932, photography pioneer George Eastman, founder of Eastman Kodak Co., died by his own hand at age 77 in Rochester, NY.
In 1962, Democrat Edward M. Kennedy officially launched in Boston his successful candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat from Massachusetts once held by his brother, President John F. Kennedy. (The late Edward Kennedy served in the Senate for nearly 47 years.
In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death. (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.
In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today--------------Former astronaut Frank Borman is 84, Actor Michael Caine is 79, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 79, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 78, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 73, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 71, Country singer Michael Martin Murphy is 67, Actor Steve Kanaly is 66 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 64.
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March 14th is: International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and Registered Dietician Day.
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Quip for the day......Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
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Larryj
Today's----------old, still funny..........
Mickey stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and offers to buy him a drink. The second patron, a man named Mark, thanks him kindly.
Mickey: "So where are you from stranger?"
Mark: "I'm from Ireland."
Mickey: "You don't say! I'm from Ireland, too! Here's to Ireland!"
Mark: "To Ireland! What part are you from?"
Mickey: "Dublin."
Mark: "Unbelievable. I'm from Dublin, too!"
Mickey: "Let's drink to Dublin. So, what school did you go to?"
Mark: "St. Mary's. Class of 1962."
Mickey: "Impossible! I went to St. Mary's as well, and I graduated in 1962!"
Just then, one of the regulars walks in and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," the bartender replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.
In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain, concluding his first voyage to the Western Hemisphere.
In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.
In 1962, in a speech to Congress, President John F. Kennedy called for legislation protecting consumer's rights.
In 1964, actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage, his second.
In 1972, "The Godfather," Francis Ford Coppola's epic gangster movie based on the Mario Puzo novel and starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino, premiered in New York.
In 1985, the first Internet domain name, Symbolics.com, was registered by the Symbolics Computer Corp. of Massachusetts.
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Today----------Musician D.J. Fontana is 81, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 80, Actor Judd Hirsch is 77, Rock musician Phil Lesh is 72, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 71, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 69, Rock singer-musician Howard Scott (War, Lowrider Band) is 66 and Rock singer Ry Cooder is 65.
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March 15th is: Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brutus Day, Buzzard's Day, Companies That Care Day, Ides Of March, True Confessions Day and World Consumer Rights Day.
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Quip for the day........Remember "I" before "E"..............except in Budweiser.
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Larryj
Today's---------another old, still funny.........
Six fellows are playing in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue to play standing up.
After awhile, though, Michael O'Conner looks around and says, "Me boys, someone must tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. The others tell him to be discreet.
"Discretion is my middle name," Gallagher says. "Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
Murphy's wife: "Tell him to drop dead."
Gallagher: "I'll go tell him right now."
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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.
In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket, in Auburn, MA.
In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by U.S. Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504.
In 1972, in a nationally broadcast address, President Richard M. Nixon called for a moratorium on court-ordered school busing to achieve racial segregation.
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Today-------------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 86, Country singer Ray Walker (The Jordanaires) is 78, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 71, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 71, Country singer Robin Williams is 65, Actor Erik Estrada is 63 and Country singer Ray Benson (Asleep At The Wheel) is 61.
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March 16th is: Freedom Of Information Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, St. Urlo's Day and Wellderly Day.
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Quip for the day........You can always tell a woman's mood by her hands...........If they are around your throat, she's probably upset.
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Larryj
Today's-------St. Patrick's Day Q & A...............
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How did the Irish jig get started?
A: Too much drink and not enough restrooms.
Q: What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?
A: A lot of small talk.
Q: What's the best thing to add to Irish stew?
A: A pinch of Gaelic.
Q: What did the leprechaun say to the elf?
A: "How's the weather up there?"
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In A.D. 461 (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul, Downpatrick.
In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.
In 1776, British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.
In 1910, the U.S. National Museum, a precursor to the National Museum of Natural History, opened in Washington, D.C.
In 1912, the Camp Fire Girls organization was incorporated in Washington, D.C., two years to the day after it was founded in Thetford, VT. (The group is now known as Camp Fire USA.)
In 1950, scientists at the University of California, Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."
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Today-------Jazz/New Age musician Paul Horn is 82, The former national chairwoman of the NAACP, Myrlie Evers-Williams, is 79, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 71, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian is 68, Actor Patrick Duffy is 63, Actor Kurt Russell is 61 and Country singer Susie Allanson is 60.
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March 17th is: Campfire Girls Day, International Astrology Day, Corn Dog Day, International Sports Car Racing Day, National Quilting Day and, of course, St. Patrick's Day.
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Quip for the day........You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.
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Larryj
Knock ,knock
Who's there?
Irish
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St.Patrick's Day!
Today's-------------uh oh..........
The rich old man was drawing up his will. He told his attorney, "Put in there that I wish to leave everything to my beautiful young wife. The mansion in Malibu, the townhouses in New York and London, the beach home in Hawaii, my car collection, the yacht and the speedboats, all my stocks and bonds and savings, and all my other goods and possessions. Everything. On one condition."
"What's that?" the attorney asked.
"That she remarry within a year," the old man said.
The attorney looked up over his spectacles. "Alright, I'll put that in as a condition," he said. "Do you mind if I ask why?"
The old man replied, "I want at least one person to be sorry I died."
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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.
In 1922, 12-year-old rabbi's daughter Judith Kaplan became the first American Bat Mitzvah in a ceremony at the Society for the Advancement of Judaism in New York City.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order authorizing the War Relocation Authority, which was put in charge of interning Japanese-Americans, with Milton S. Eisenhower (the younger brother of Dwight D. Eisenhower) as its director.
In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill. (Hawaii became a state on Aug. 21, 1959.)
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Today------------Composer John Kander is 85, Nobel peace laureate and former South African president F.W. de Klerk is 76, Actor Kevin Dobson is 69, Actor Brad Dourif is 62, Jazz musician Bill Frisell is 61 and Country singer Charley Pride is 74.
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March 18th is: Awkward Moment Day, Forgive Mom and Pop Day and National Bio-diesel Day.
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Quip for the day.......Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble.
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Larryj
"
Today's------------do I hear a "wheeeee?"...........
The beat-up station wagon starts overheating and the driver pulls off the country road. A Ferrari pulls up and the driver shouts, "It's a long way to the next station. I have a rope. I'll tow you."
When they're all tied up and ready to go, the Ferrari driver says, "If I go too fast for you, honk your horn or blink your lights."
Everything goes well for a couple of miles, but then a Jaguar pulls up alongside. The Jaguar driver makes it known to the Ferrari driver that he wants to race.
They're off! They're neck and neck. They pass 100 mph and keep going. They fly by a speed trap where a motorcycle cop is hiding.
The cop radios in to headquarters. "Chief, you're not going to believe this. A Jaguar and a Ferrari just raced by going 120 mph, and right on their tail there's an old station wagon blinking its lights and beeping its horn, trying to pass!"
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In 1687, French explorer Rene-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle -- the first European to navigate the length of the Mississippi River -- was murdered by mutineers in present-day Texas.
In 1911, the first International Women's Day was observed with rallies and parades in Germany, Austria, Denmark and Switzerland.
In 1918, Congress approved Daylight Savings Time.
In 1942, during World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered men between the ages of 45 and 64, inclusive, to register for non-military duty.
In 1962, Bob Dylan's first album, eponymously titled "Bob Dylan," was released by Columbia Records. (Of the 13 songs recorded for the album, two were Dylan originals: "Talkin' New York" and "Song to Woody," a tribute to Woody Guthrie.)
In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq. (Because of the time difference, it was early March 20 in Iraq.
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Today--------Former White House national security adviser Brent Scowcroft is 87, Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 82, Author Philip Roth is 79, Actress Renee Taylor is 79, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 79, Actress Ursula Andress is 76, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 75, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 66, Actress Glenn Close is 65 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 60.
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March 19th is: National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return To Capistrano Day.
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Quip for the day..........You never really learn how to cuss until you learn how to drive.
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Larryj
That is funny. You should have put this in the Laugh section.........I can see it now.
Today's-------------so true.......
Henry Jones dreamed his whole life of traveling to Paris. The day after he retired, at the age of 70, he was on a plane to the City of Lights.
Three weeks later, after his return, he was in the supermarket one day when a friend spotted him and approached.
"Henry Jones, back from Paris! How did you like it?" the friend asked.
"Oh, Paris was wonderful. I just wish I had gone 50 years ago."
The friend winked and said, "When Paris was really Paris, eh?"
"No, when Henry Jones was really Henry Jones."
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In 1952, at the Academy Awards, "An American in Paris" was named best picture of 1951; Humphrey Bogart best actor for "The African Queen"; Vivien Leigh best actress for "A Streetcar Named Desire"; and George Stevens best director for "A Place in the Sun."
In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.
In 1987, the Food and Drug Administration approved the sale of AZT, a drug shown to prolong the lives of some AIDS patients.
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Today----------British songstress Dame Vera Lynn is 95, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 90, Actor Hal Linden is 81, Country singer Don Edwards is 73, Country singer Ranger Doug (Riders In The Sky) is 66, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 64, Actor William Hurt is 62, Rock musician Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 62 and Rock musician Jimmie Vaughan is 61.
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March 20th is: Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, First Day Of Spring, Great American Meat-Out Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Jump Out! Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, National Agriculture Day, Snowman Burning Day and Won't You Be My Neighbor Day.
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Quip for the day.........It's only natural that a person becomes quieter as he grows older.......He's got more to keep quiet about.
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Larryj
Today's--------another "so true"............
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does it cost so much?" the man wondered.
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, for starters, it speaks seven languages and it can do quantum mathematics in its head."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one cost $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it has psychic abilities and can tell the future."
The startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs $10,000," the shopkeeper said.
"Wow, and what does that one do?"
The shopkeeper said, "To be honest, I've never seen him do or say anything, but the other two call him boss."
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In 1962, the first Taco Bell restaurant opened in Downey, CA.
In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.
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Today------Actor Al Freeman Jr. is 81, Violinist-conductor Joseph Silverstein is 80, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 73, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 68, Singer-musician Rose Stone (Sly and the Family Stone) is 67, Actor Timothy Dalton is 66, Singer Eddie Money is 63, Rock singer-musician Roger Hodgson (Supertramp) is 62, Rock musician Conrad Lozano (Los Lobos) is 61 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. (The Stylistics) is 61.
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March 21st is: Brain Injury Awareness Day, Kick Butts Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Spring Fairy Fun Day and World Down Syndrome Day.
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Quip for the day...........Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are ........over dew.
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Larryj
Today's-------------old school.........
A guy in a bar is sipping his drink and enjoying the live music. There's a piano man playing smooth pop standards. A live parrot sits on the piano man's shoulder.
Suddenly, the parrot squawks, flies over to the man at the bar, and takes a big swig out of his drink. He then flies back and resumes his perch on the piano man's shoulder.
The astonished bar patron walks over to the piano man and says, "Excuse me, but do you know your parrot just took a big swig out of my martini?"
The piano man thinks for a moment, then says, "No, but hum the first few notes, and I'll fake it."
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In 1933, during Prohibition, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure to make wine and beer containing up to 3.2 percent alcohol legal.
In 1958, movie producer Mike Todd, the husband of actress Elizabeth Taylor, and three other people were killed in the crash of Todd's private plane near Grants, NM.
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Today----------USA Today founder Allen H. Neuharth is 88, Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 82, Evangelist broadcaster Pat Robertson is 82, Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, is 78, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 77, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 71, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 69, Writer James Patterson is 65, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 64, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 64, Actress Fanny Ardant is 63, Sportscaster Bob Costas is 60 and Actor William Shatner is 81.
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March 22nd is: International Goof-off Day, World Water Day, As Young As You Feel Day and International Day Of The Seal.
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Quip for the day.............sign in a bar..."If you have come here to drink to forget.........please pay in advance.
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Larryj
Today's---------Ha Ha.............
A private pilot takes his ditzy girl friend for a flight in his two-seater. It's the girlfriend's first time in an airplane.
They're flying at 14,000 feet. The sky is clear. Visibility is unlimited. The gas tank is full. Everything is perfect.
But then the pilot has a heart attack and dies.
The frantic girlfriend grabs the radio and cries, "May Day! May Day! My pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly. Please help me!"
A voice comes over the radio, "This is the tower. I will talk you through this. Just relax and follow my instructions. First, give me your height and position."
She replies, "I'm 5 feet 4 and I'm sitting down."
After a really long pause, the voice in the tower says, "OK, repeat after me: Our Father......who art in Heaven................"
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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"
In 1942, the first Japanese-Americans evacuated by the U.S. Army during World War II arrived at the internment camp in Manzanar.
In 1994, Wayne Gretzky broke Gordie Howe's National Hockey League career record with his 802nd goal.
In 2010, President Barack Obama signed a $938 billion health care overhaul, declaring "a new season in America."
In 2011, Academy Award-winning actress Elizabeth Taylor, the violet-eyed film goddess whose sultry screen persona, stormy personal life and enduring fame and glamour made her one of the last of the classic movie stars, died in Los Angeles of congestive heart failure at age 79.
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Today----------Comedian Marty Allen is 90, Sir Robert Bannister, the runner who broke the 4-minute mile in 1954, is 83, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 75 and Singer-producer Ric Ocasek is 63.
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March 23rd is: National Day Of Unplugging (23-24), National Puppy Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.
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Quip for the day..........(in keeping with the spirit of the joke)......How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree......Wave at her.
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Larryj
Today's-------memories........
Married in real life, Gracie Allen played the scatterbrained wife and George Burns the long suffering husband in the legendary comedy duo of Burns and Allen, which enjoyed a long career in vaudeville, radio and television.
Gracie is remembered for her comedic skills, but not so much for her culinary talents. Nevertheless, she did have one recipe. Here it is:
Gracie Allen's Classic Roast Beef......
Ingredients:
1 large roast beef
1 small roast beef
Directions:
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.
Serve.
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In 1765, Britain enacted the Quartering Act, requiring American colonists to provide temporary housing to British soldiers.
In 1958, rock 'n' roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tennessee.
In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.
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Today--------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 73, Movie director Curtis Hanson is 67, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 64, Rock singer-songwriter-producer Nick Lowe is 63, Rock musician Dougie Thomson is 61, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 61 and Actor R. Lee Ermey (the gravelly voiced sergeant seen on TV) is 68.
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March 24th is: National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day and World Tuberculosis Day.
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Quip(s) for the day.........More George Burns........"It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
"When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is read the obituaries. If I'm not in them, I fix breakfast. If I am in them, I fix breakfast anyhow because I'm not going anywhere on an empty stomach."
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Larryj
Today's---------gotcha.........
IT IS NOT WISE TO BANTER WITH THE ALMIGHTY!
A holy man was praying up a storm one day when the heavens opened and a mighty voice spoke: "Thy prayers have been noticed. What may be done for thee?"
The holy man thought for a moment, then said, "O, infinite one, how much is a million years unto thee?"
The Voice replied, "No more than a second."
The devotee then said, "And how much is a million dollars unto thee?"
The Voice replied, "No more than a penny."
The man said, "Can thou sparest me a penny?"
The Voice answered, "Wait a second."
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In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.
In 1911, 146 people, mostly young female immigrants, were killed when fire broke out at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co., in New York.
In 1947, a coal mine explosion in Centralia, IL., claimed 111 lives.
In 1960, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York ruled that the D.H. Lawrence novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mails.
In 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama, to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.
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Today------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 90, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 86, Former astronaut James Lovell is 84, Singer Anita Bryant is 72, Singer Aretha Franklin is 70, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 69, Singer Elton John is 65, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 64 and Feminist activist-author Gloria Steinem is 78.
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March 25th is: International Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of Slavery, National Day Of Celebration Of Greek & American Democracy, Old New Year's Day, Pecan Day, Slave Trade Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Waffle Day.
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Quip for the day.............I don't believe in reincarnation and didn't in my last life either......
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny.........
The pastor and the associate pastor are on the sidewalk in front of their small rural church holding signs.
One sign says: "THE END IS NEAR!" The other sign says: "TURN AROUND BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE."
The clergymen begin to wave their signs frantically as a car approaches. The driver leans out the window and cries, "Religious nuts!" as he speeds by without slowing.
The car disappears around a corner. Then the sound of screeching brakes is heard, followed by a loud splash.
One clergyman says to the other, "Maybe our signs should just say 'BRIDGE OUT' instead."
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In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.
In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.
In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C., for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
In 1997, the bodies of 39 members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, CA.
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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner is 82, Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 81, Actor Alan Arkin is 78, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is 72, Actor James Caan is 72, Author Erica Jong is 70, Journalist Bob Woodward is 69, Singer Diana Ross is 68, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 64, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 63, Comedian Martin Short is 62 and Movie composer Alan Silvestri is 62.
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March 26th is: Legal Assistants Day and Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.
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Quip for the day.........Adolescence is that time period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he'll be as stupid as his father.
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Larryj
Due to circumstances beyond my control, there may or may not be an entry for today. Our local electric power company has chosen, albeit unwisely, this day as the day to close down the neighborhood and the only street in to do maintenance such as replacing poles, wires and transformers. All of this requires a crane which takes up a lot of room. All computers and TVs must be unplugged to prevent damage when the power comes back on. Why unwisely? We babysit our two oldest granddaughters today and today is our trash pickup day. We have three separate trash cans, trash, recyclables and green, picked up by three separate trash trucks. I wonder how they are going to do that?
Anyway, we will go to our daughter's house shortly and spend the day there. We can take the girls to their schools, etc. And we need to do some major shopping. R.A.M.B.O. and Sir Charles will protect the property, well, at least the back yard.........yeah, right.
Have a good day, everybody!
Larryj
Life isn't boring, is it! ;D ;D ;D
Whew! What a day! We arrived at our daughter's house at 7:15 AM in time to take #1 to school by 8. I went back to take #2 to her preschool at 9. I picked up #2 at 12:30 and then took her and my wife to her speech class at 2 PM and went on to pick up #1 at 2:20. We came back to our daughter's house and the kids played outside. While I was away picking up #2 from preschool, there was some action at the house. Apparently, a car came flying down their dead end street and four guys jumped out and jumped over the gates on both sides of the house and then over the back wall. A neighbor saw this and a young woman driving the car and called the police after noting the license number. By the time I got back everything was over. In going from #1's school back to the speech class, we noticed a car pulled over by the police and a young woman sitting on the curb handcuffed. I don't know if these are the same people from earlier. I tried to take a nap while everyone was outside playing, but couldn't seem to do it. Finally arrived home around 7 PM. A long day. I replugged and rebooted all TVs and cable receivers, reset all the electric digital clocks, rescued R.A.M.B.O. and Sir Charles from the backyard and now am having a very late afternoon with a coffee and watching the Lakers.
You are right. Life isn't boring. I could use a little boring............
Larryj
When I lived in Oxnard, CA my neighbor was always gripping about how much work it too to take care of all her rose bushes and I wondered why she had that many. One day some kids got caught breaking into a nearby house and they jumped my fence and then jumped the next fence, landed right in the rose bushes and by they time they got untangled the german shepherd had them. They waited very patiently for the police to escort them out of her yard. She said "I knew they would do the job". The next day, we planted roses.
Yesterday's------never too late for a joke.........
Victor the Ventriloquist and his dummy Jimmy were booked for series of shows at a dive in the Deep South. Perhaps Victor the Ventriloquist honestly believed that local audiences would enjoy laughing at themselves. Or maybe he knew very well he was taking his chances, but decided to do it anyway.
At any rate, he peppered his opening night act with redneck jokes. Jimmy the dummy told one insulting Billy Bob story after another.
It didn't go well.
Finally, a man near the front stood up and said, "My name is Billy Bob, and I've heard just about one too many redneck jokes for one night. You take us for fools. You're rude, sir. And, you're not funny. Plus, you're ugly, too."
Victor said, "I'm very sorry you're so easily offended. I guess you don't know a joke when you hear one. I apologize for misjudging you."
Billy Bob said, "I'm not talking to you, sir. I'm talking to the little fellow seated on you lap."
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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted present-day Florida.
In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.
In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.
In 1912, first lady Helen Herron Taft and the wife of Japan's ambassador to the United States, Viscountess Chinda, planted the first two of 3,000 cherry trees given as a gift by the mayor of Tokyo on the north bank of Washington, D.C.'s Tidal Basin.
In 1942, American servicemen were granted free mailing privileges.
In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.
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Yesterday (March 27)----Former newspaper columnist Anthony Lewis is 85, Dance company director Arthur Mitchell is 78, Actor Julian Glover is 77, Actor Jerry Lacy is 76, Actor Austin Pendleton is 72, Actor Michael York is 70 and Rock musician Tony Banks (Genesis) is 62.
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March 27th is: American Diabetes Alert Day, Celebrate Exchange Day, Education and Sharing Day, Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day and Viagra Day.
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Quip for the day..........Redneck's last words...............Y'all hold my beer and watch this!
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Larryj
Today's----------hah..........
We were dining in our favorite restaurant in all of Southern California when a gentleman stood up from an nearby table and approached our table. He greeted us, then directed a question to my wife.
"Excuse me," he said, "but my wife over there loves your sandals and wonders if you bought them locally."
"Yes," my wife answered him. "Just down the street, as a matter of fact."
"May I ask you how much they cost?"
"They were $177."
"Thank you," the gentleman said, then turned and hollered to his wife: "She bought them in Florida!"
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In 1898, the Supreme Court, in United States v. Wong Kim Ark, ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.
In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington, D.C., at age 78.
In 1978, in Stump v. Sparkman, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld, 5-3, the judicial immunity of an Indiana judge against a lawsuit brought by a young woman who'd been ordered sterilized by the judge when she was a teenager.
In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush presented the Congressional Gold Medal to the widow of U.S. Olympic legend Jesse Owens, for his "humanitarian contributions in the race of life."
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Today-------------Former White House national security adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski is 84, Country musician Charlie McCoy is 71, Movie director Mike Newell is 70, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 69, Actor Ken Howard is 68 and Actress Dianne Wiest is 64.
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March 28th is: Barnum & Bailey Day and Weed Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day...........Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Larryj
Today's------------oops.........
A bright, ambitious young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he spotted the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand and a perplexed look on his face.
"Everything OK?" he asked the boss.
The CEO replied, "Thank Heaven you're still here. I need your help. This is a very, very sensitive document and it needs immediate attention. My secretary is gone for the day. Can you make this darn machine work?"
The engineer said, "Certainly!" He took the sheet of paper from his boss, inserted it correctly into the shredder, entered the code, then pressed "Start."
"Excellent; excellent," the CEO said as the document disappeared into the machine. "I just need one copy."
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In 1951, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage. (They were executed in June 1953.)
In 1971, a jury in Los Angeles recommended the death penalty for Charles Manson and three female followers for the 1969 Tate-La Bianca murders. (The sentences were later commuted.)
In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.
In 1992, Democratic presidential front-runner Bill Clinton acknowledged experimenting with marijuana "a time or two" while attending Oxford University, adding, "I didn't inhale and I didn't try it again."
In 1992, more than a month after winning the Olympic Gold Medal in ladies figure skating, Kristi Yamaguchi won the world championship title in Oakland.
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Today-------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 85, Author Judith Guest is 76, Comedian Eric Idle is 69, Composer Vangelis is 69, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 67 and Singer Bobby Kimball (Toto) is 65.
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March 29th is: Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Mom And Pop Business Owners Day, Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.
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Quip for the day......A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling cards.
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Larryj
Today's----------another oops.....
My boss phoned me today, and there was an urgent tone in his voice that grabbed my attention. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"
I answered, "Yes, everything's under control. It's been an extremely busy day, but I'm on top of it. Don't worry. I've got it covered."
My boss said, "Can you do me one favor?"
I replied, "Certainly. Just tell me what it is."
My boss said, "Please speed it up a little, would you? I'm in the foursome right behind you!"
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In 1822, Florida became a United States territory.
In 1964, John Glenn withdrew from the Ohio race for the U.S. Senate because of injuries suffered in a fall.
In 1964, the original version of the TV game show "Jeopardy!", hosted by Art Fleming, premiered on NBC.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously injured in an assassination attempt outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr. Wounded along with Reagan were his press secretary, James Brady, Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy, and District of Columbia police officer Thomas Delahanty.
In 1986, actor James Cagney died at his farm in Stanfordville, N.Y., at age 86.
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Today----------Game show host Peter Marshall is 86, Actor Richard Dysart is 83, Actor John Astin is 82, Entertainer Rolf Harris (Song: "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport") is 82, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 75, Rock musician Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues) is 71, Rock musician Eric Clapton is 67, Actor Justin Deas (TV: "Guiding Light") is 64 and Actor Robby Coltrane is 62.
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March 30th is: Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day and Pencil Day.
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Quip for the day...........After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner complained, "I wish the employees would be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"
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Larryj
Today's-------old, funny.......
Four contractors are at the Washington Monument, submitting bids to a government official for repairs of a fence.
A contractor from Maine does measurements and works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
A Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, the says, "I can do this job for $800."
A Montana contractor measures and figures and says, "I'll do it for $700."
A Chicago contractor leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
Chicago contractor: "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the guy from Montana to fix the fence."
Official: "Deal!"
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In 1932, Ford Motor Co. publicly unveiled its powerful flathead V8 engine; while not the first eight-cylinder engine, it was the first to be affordable to the general public, and proved very popular.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned the country by announcing at the conclusion of a broadcast address on Vietnam that he would not seek re-election.
In 1976, the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Ann Quinlan, who was in a persistent vegetable state, could be disconnected from her respirator. (Quinlan, who remained unconscious, died in 1985.)
In 1995, Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
In 2005, Terri Schiavo, 41, died at a hospice in Pinellas Park, Florida, 13 days after her feeding tube was removed in a wrenching right-to-die dispute.
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Today------Actress Peggy Rea is 91, Actor William Daniels is 85, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 84, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 78, Actress Shirley Jones is 78, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 78, Musician Herb Alpert is 77, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 67, Former Vice-President Al Gore is 64, Author David Eisenhower is 64, Actress Rhea Perlman is 64, Actor Ed Marinaro is 62 and Actor Christopher Walken is 69.
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March 31st is: Bunsen Burner Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day, National Love Our Children Day and Terri's Day.
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Quip for the day...............I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Larryj
Today's-------it's Sunday.......
The separation of church and state was strictly observed in one old town of long ago because, you see, the parish priest and the sheriff didn't care for one another.
The sheriff was too worldly for the priest, and the sheriff thought the priest was stuck-up and stuffy.
One morning the priest looked out the window and noticed there was a dead donkey on the front lawn. He called the sheriff.
"Hello, Sheriff Penfold. This is Father Keith. I'm afraid there's a dead donkey on the church lawn."
The sheriff replied, "I'm sorry to hear it, Father, but I'm not sure how I can help you. Aren't you the expert when it comes to administering last rites?"
The priest, irritated, bit his tongue for a moment, but then said, "You're right. But I am also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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In 1853, Cincinnati, Ohio, established a fire department made up of paid city employees.
In 1939, the United States recognized the government of Gen. Francisco Franco in Spain, the same day Franco went on radio to declare victory in the Spanish Civil War.
In 1945, American forces launched the amphibious invasion of Okinawa during World War II.
In 1972, the first Major League Baseball player's strike began; it lasted 12 days.
In 1976, Apple Computer was founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne.
In 1984, recording star Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gaye, Sr., in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday. (The elder Gaye pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter and received probation.)
In 1987, in his first speech on the AIDS epidemic, President Ronald Reagan told doctors in Philadelphia, "We've declared AIDS public health enemy no. 1."
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Today-----Actress Jane Powell is 84, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 82, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 78, Country singer Jim Ed Brown is 78, Actor Don Hastings is 78, Blues singer Eddie King is 74, Actress Ali MacGraw is 74, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Rudolph Isley is 73, Reggae singer Jimmy Cliff is 64, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is 62, Rock musician Billy Currie (Ultravox) is 62 and Actress Annette O'Toole is 60.
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April 1st is: April Fools or All Fools Day, Athiest Day, Boomer Bonus Day, International Tatting Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Library Snapshot Day, National Fun Day, Palm Sunday, Poetry And The Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, Sorry Charlie Day, St. Stupid Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.
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Quip for the day.........sign at a church: "If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows u-turns."
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Larryj
Today's------yummy joke........
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat your chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, you'll get a least one thing done.
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans are vegetables. Most sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane -- both vegetables. And, of course, milk and cream are important proteins. So, eat chocolate to help you meet your daily requirements.
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In 1912, the just-completed RMS Titanic left Belfast to begin its sea trials eight days before the start of its ill-fated maiden voyage.
In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy." (Congress declared war four days later.)
In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John R. Condon went to a cemetery in the Bronx, NY, where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son. (The child who was not returned, was found dead the following month.)
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Today-----Actress Rita Gam is 84, Actress Sharon Acker is 77, Singer Leon Russell is 70, Jazz musician Larry Coryell is 69, Actress Linda Hunt is 67, Actor Ron Palillo is 63, Actress Pamela Reed is 63 and Singer Emmylou Harris is 65.
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April 2nd is: International Children's Book Day, National Love Our Children Day, Reconciliation Day, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, Tater Day and World Autism Day.
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Quip for the day.......Did you hear about the mushroom who couldn't get a date? "I don't know why the girls don't like me, I'm such a FUNGI."
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Larryj
Today's----------Easter Q & A..........
Q: What do you call rabbits who have marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.
Q: What do you call rabbits marching backwards:
A: A receding hareline.
Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers.
Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.
Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a long March.
Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He had just washed his hare and he couldn't do a thing with it.
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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO, and Sacramento. (The delivery system lasted only 18 months before giving away to the transcontinental telegraph.
In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO, by Robert Ford, a member of James' gang.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed into law the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist Communism.
In 1968, the day before he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous "mountaintop" speech to a rally of striking sanitation workers.
In 1968, North Vietnam agreed to meet with U.S. representatives to set up preliminary peace talks.
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Today-------Actress-singer Doris Day is 89, Conservationist Dame Jane Goodall is 78, Actor William Gaunt is 75, Actor Eric Braeden is 71, Actress Marsha Mason is 70, Singer Wayne Newton is 70, Singer Billy Joe Royal is 70, Singer Tony Orlando is 68, Comedy writer Pat Proft is 65, Folk-rock singer Richard Thompson is 63 and Country musician Curtis Stone is 62.
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April 3rd is: Find A Rainbow Day, Pony Express Day, Tweed Day and World Party Day.
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Quip for the day.............Did you ever wonder what the Easter bunny picks up on his rabbit ears?
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Larryj
All good third grade jokes. Thanks! Here's one more. What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot? "It's been nice gnawing you."
Today's-----more Easter Q & A..........
Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
Q: What do you call the Easter bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.
Q: Have you seen the new movie about water fowl?
A: It's a duckumentary.
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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars, with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.
In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office.
In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.
In 1859, "Dixie" was performed publicly for the first time by Bryant's Minstrels at Mechanic's Hall in New York.
In 1887, Susanna Madora Salter became the first woman elected mayor of an American community: Argonia, Kansas.
In 1949, 12 nations, including the United States, signed the North Atlantic Treaty in Washington, D.C.
In 1960, Elvis Presley recorded "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" in Nashville, Tennessee, for RCA Victor.
In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee.
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Today------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 91, Author-poet Maya Angelou is 84, Recording executive Clive Davis is 68, Actress Christine Lahti is 63 and Country singer Steve Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers) is 61.
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April 4th is: International Day For Mine Awareness, National Day of Hope, Paraprofessionals Appreciation Day, Square Root Day, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.
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Quip for the day........I asked my son if he was going to sunrise service on Easter. He said, "What's a sunrise?"
Bonus quip...........I'm not getting old. I just can't remember stuff because my brain is full.....
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Larryj
Why did the little boy plant bunny fur in his garden? He wanted to have a hare raising experience. Actually written by a third grader.
Today's---------busy day, a little late.....
EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY..............
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
You can't accomplish anything if you don't come out of your shell.
The best things in life are sweet and gooey.
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In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month long return trip to England.
In 1867, in Tuscumbia, Alabama, Anne Sullivan achieved a breakthrough as her blind and deaf pupil, Hellen Keller, learned the meaning of the word "water" as spelled out in the Manual Alphabet.
In 1964, Army General Douglas MacArthur died in Washington at age 84.
In 1976, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.
In 1987, Fox Broadcasting Co. made its prime-time TV debut by airing the premiere episodes of "Married.....with Children" and "The Tracy Ullman Show" three times each.
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Today-----------Movie producer Roger Corman is 86, Country Music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 81, Country singer Tommy Cash is 72, Actor Michael Moriarty is 71, Pop singer Allan Clarke (The Hollies) is 70, Writer-director Peter Greenaway is 70, Actor Max Gail is 69, Actress Jane Asher is 66, Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 62 and Actor Mitch Pileggi is 60.
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April 5th is: National D.A.R.E. Day, National Deep Dish Pizza Day and National Fun At Work Day.
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Quip for the day...........GOOD IDEA: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. BAD IDEA: Finding Easter Eggs on Christmas.
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Larryj
Today's-----------more Easter jokes.......sigh.......
Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: It's a lot easier than trying to wallpaper them.
Q: What's big and purple and carries an Easter basket?
A: The Easter Barney!
Q: What does the Easter bunny get for making a basket?
A: Two points, same as everyone else.
Q: What is the difference between an angry rabbit and a counterfeit dollar?
A: One's bad money, the other's a mad bunny.
Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Never return his phone calls.
Q: What kind of movies do rabbits like?
A: The ones with hoppy endings.
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In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.
In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of war against Germany.
In 1965, the United States launched the Intelsat I, also known as the "Early Bird" communications satellite, into orbit.
In 1971, Russian-born composer Igor Stravinsky, 88, died in New York City.
In 1992, Science-fiction author Isaac Asimov died in New York, at age 72.
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Today-------Nobel Prize-winning scientist James D. Watson is 84, Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 83, Country singer Merle Haggard is 75, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 75, Actor Roy Thinnes is 74, Writer-comedian Phil Austin is 71, Movie director Barry Levinson is 70, Actor John Ratzenberger is 65 and Actress Marilu Henner is 60.
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April 6th is: Army Day, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints Day, Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, Good Friday, National Student Athlete Day, National Walk To Work Day, New Beers Day, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, Passover (begins at sundown), Tartan Day and Teflon Day.
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Quip for the day.........Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken. (groan)
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Larryj
Today's---------more, well, you know............
Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats and goes hippity-KABOOM hippity KABOOM?
A: The Easter Elephant.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: What do the Easter Bunny and Kobe Bryant have in common?
A: They both know how to stuff a basket!
Q: Why is it dangerous to tell a funny joke to an egg?
A: Because it might crack up.
Q: What is the biggest advantage to being absent-minded?
A: You can hide your own Easter eggs!
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In 1927, the image and voice of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover were transmitted live from Washington to New York in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.
In 1948, the World Health Organization was founded in Geneva.
In 1969, the Supreme Court, in Stanley v. Georgia, unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material.
In 1978, President Jimmy Carter announced he was deferring development of the neutron bomb, a high-radiation weapon.
In 2007, a Russian rocket carrying American billionaire Charles Simonyi roared into the night skies over Kazakhstan, sending its three occupants on a trip to the international space station.
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Today---------------Actor James Garner is 84, Country singer Cal Smith is 80, Actor Wayne Rogers is 79, Media commentator Hodding Carter III is 77, R&B singer Charlie Thomas is 75, California Governor Jerry Brown is 74, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 73, TV personality David Frost is 73, Singer Patricia Bennett is 65, Singer John Oates is 63, Singer Janis Ian is 61, Country musician John Dittrich is 61 and Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 92.
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April 7th is: International Beaver Day, International Pillow Fight Day, International Snail-papers Day, Metric System Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day and World Health Organization Day.
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Quip for the day.........How many eggs can you put into an empty Easter basket? One......after that the basket won't be empty.
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Larryj
Hooray for no housework day! I'm doing yard work instead.
Wish I could. We had 1/4 inch of rain this morning and everything is just wet enough to stick to you.
Today's------------HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL.....
I was just behind a fellow walking out of the church after Easter Sunday services. The pastor was standing by the door, as always, shaking hands with his parishioners as they exited.
I watched as the preacher grabbed the fellow in front of me by the hand and pulled him aside. He said to the man, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The fellow replied, "But, Reverend, I'm already in the Army of the Lord."
The pastor said, "Well, how come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"
The man leaned in and whispered to the pastor, "I'm in the secret service!"
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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Relief Appropriations Act, which provided money for programs such as the Works Progress Administration.
In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth's record.
In 1994, Kurt Cobain, singer and guitarist for the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead in Seattle from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound; he was 27.
In 2007, Zach Johnson won the Masters with a two-shot victory over Tiger Woods.
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Today------------Comedian Shecky Greene is 86, Former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan is 74, Basketball Hall-of-Famer John Havlicek is 72, Singer Peggy Lennon is 71, Songwriter-producer Leon Huff is 70, Rock musician Steve Howe is 65, Film-TV director John Madden is 63 and Rock musician Mel Schacher is 61.
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April 8th is: Buddha Day and Easter.
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Quip for the day...........Success occurs when nobody is watching. Failure occurs when the boss is watching.
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Larryj
Today's---------did I mention Henny?
Take my husband..........please.
I kept nagging him to get the lawn mower fixed and cut the grass. He always seemed to have something more important to do. Work on his car. Clean his guns. Make beer. Whatever.
One day I tried to make a point. When he came home from work, he found me in the lawn, snipping sway at the tall grass with a pair of pinking scissors.
Without saying a word, he disappeared into the garage. I smiled at the victory I thought I had won.
But after a few minutes he came out and handed me a dirty toothbrush from his tool box. He said, "After you're finished with the lawn, why don't you sweep the driveway?"
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In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia.
In 1942, during World War II, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March, which claimed thousands of lives.
In 1959, NASA presented its first seven astronauts: Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Schirra, Alan Shepard and Donald Slayton.
In 1959, Architect Frank Lloyd Wright, 91, died in Phoenix, Arizona.
In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees. (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)
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Today-------Playboy magazine founder Hugh Heffner is 86, Actress Michael Learned is 73 and Country singer Margo Smith is 70.
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April 9th is: Dyngus Day, National Cherish An Antique Day, National Former Prisoner Of War Recognition Day, Appomattox Day, Easter Monday, White House Easter Egg Roll, Jenkins Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.
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Quip for the day.......More Henny: "My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way."
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Larryj
Today's------old, probably a repeat, funny, maybe somebody hasn't seen it.........
A young unmarried woman has twins and makes the decision to give them up for adoption.
One of the baby boys goes to a family in Egypt and he is given the name Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain, and he is given the name Juan.
Years later, Juan locates his birth mother online and sends a nice picture of himself to her.
The woman, who is married now, is touched by the gesture. She tells her husband, "I wish I had a picture of Amal, too."
The husband responds, "But, darling, they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first United States Patent Act.
In 1862, Congress passed a resolution offering financial aid to states that agreed to gradually abolish slavery.
In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.
In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.
In 1962, Stuart Sutcliffe, the Beatles original bass player, died in Hamburg, West Germany, at age 21.
In 1963, the nuclear-powered submarine USS Thresher sank during deep-diving tests off Cape Cod, MA. 129 lives were lost.
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Today-----------Actress Liz Sheridan is 83, Actor Omar Sharif is 80, Rhythm and Blues singer Bobby Smith (The Spinners) is 76, Reggae artist Bunny Wailer is 65 and Actor Steven Seagal is 61.
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April 10th is: ASPCA Day, Equal Pay Day, National Be Kind To Lawyers Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day, One Day Without Shoes Day, Salvation Army Founders Day and Safety Pin Day.
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Quip for the day............Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud.
Walking in the door, which was swinging wide open, he found an overturned sofa and two broken lamps. The kitchen floor was strewn with dog food and broken glass.
He ran upstairs, fearing the worst. A whole roll of toilet paper had been pulled out of the wall dispenser in the bathroom. The bathroom mirror was smeared with toothpaste.
Rushing to the bedroom, he found his wife in bed sipping tea and reading a novel.
Shocked, he asked, "What happened?"
She smiled and replied, "You're always asking me what I do all day. Well, today, I didn't do it."
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In 1912, Crosley Field, the longtime home of the Cincinnati Reds, had its opening day under the original name, Redland Field. (The Reds defeated the Cubs, 10-6.)
In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.
In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.
In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on it ill-fated mission to the moon.
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Today--------Ethel Kennedy is 84, Actor Joel Grey is 80, Actress Louise Lasser is 73, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 71, Movie writer-director John Milius is 68, Actor Peter Riegert is 65, Actor Meshach Taylor is 65 and Movie director Carl Franklin is 63.
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April 11th is: Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie-Louie" Day, National Pet Day and World's Parkinson Disease Day.
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Quip for the day..........Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
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Larryj
Today's------hah........
A cowboy is riding his horse across the prairie when up ahead on the trail he observes an Apache brave lying in a prone position with his ear to the ground.
Knowing that the Apaches have keen ears and are excellent trackers, the cowboy approaches and says, "What's going on?"
The Apache does not move but whispers, "Four white horses pull big covered wagon. Driver wears blue shirt. Woman with him wears yellow dress. Boy in back of wagon holds little brown dog."
The cowboy is amazed. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" he asks.
The Apache replies, "No. Wagon ran me over about half an hour ago."
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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina. (The Union forces holding the fort surrendered the following day.)
In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63.
In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the Earth once before making a safe landing.
In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.
In 1981, former world heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis died in Las Vegas, Nevada, at age 66.
In 1992, after five years in the making, Euro Disneyland opened in Marne-La-Vallee, France, amid controversy as French intellectuals bemoaned the invasion of American pop culture.
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Today-------Actress Jane Withers is 86, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 72, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 68, Actor Ed O'Neill is 66, Author Tom Clancy is 65, Actor Dan Lauria is 65, Talk show host David Letterman is 65, Author Scott Turow is 63 and Singer David Cassidy is 62.
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April 12th is: D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read), International Day Of Human Space Flight, Licorice Day, Tax Freedom Day, Support Teen Literature Day, Walk On Your Wild Side Day and Day Of Silence.
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Quip for the day-------I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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Larryj
Today's-----------dumb blonde day, I guess........
She was a bit of a ditz, but she had a lot of determination and she worked hard to achieve her goals.
She was a good dancer, for example, and she wanted to be a better one.
She made an appointment and went to the gym, where she asked for information about fitness and conditioning training. The instructor assured her that the gym could offer positive results, and outlined some of the options.
At one point, the ditz asked, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?"
The ditz thought for a moment, then said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO, to Sacramento in 10 days.
In 1861, at the start of the Civil War, Ft. Sumter in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces as the Union commander, Maj. Robert Anderson, agreed to surrender in the face of relentless bombardment.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial.
In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst. (The astronauts managed to return safely.)
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Today-----Actor Lyle Waggoner is 77, Actor Edward Fox is 75, Poet Seamus Heaney is 73, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 70, Rock musician Jack Casady is 68, Actor Tony Dow is 67, Singer Al Green is 66, Actor Ron Perlman is 62, Actor William Sadler is 62 and Singer Peabo Bryson is 61.
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April 13th is: Thomas Jefferson Day and Scrabble Day.
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Quip for the day...........What are the worst six years of a dumb blonde's life? Third grade.
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Larryj
Today's-------------pun day........
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the big international tournament that weekend.
They also went on and on about their own exploits on the chessboard. Each one of them had many victories to recount in great detail.
After about an hour of this, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" several of them asked at once.
"Because, if there's one thing I can't stand," the manager said, "It's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theatre in Washington.
In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 p.m. ship's time and began sinking. (The ship went under two hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.)
In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in Southern California's Antelope Valley.
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Today------Actor Bradford Dillman is 82, Actress Julie Christie is 72, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 71, Rock musician Ritchie Blackmore is 67, Actor John Shea is 63 and Country singer Loretta Lynn is 80.
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April 14th is: Baby Massage Day, Children with Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, International Moment of Laughter Day and Pan American Day.
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Quip for the day..............A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
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Larryj
Today's------yeh it's time.......
Two old actors are sitting on a bench. An hour goes by. Nobody says a word.
Finally, one turns to the other and says, "How long has it been since you had a job?"
The other actor doesn't answer for a long time. It's like he's thinking. Finally, he turns and says, "Thirty years. Maybe more."
Another hour goes by. Nobody says anything. Finally, the first actor says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a job in 40 years."
The second actor nods slowly, but doesn't say anything. Time passes. Finally, he says, "One of these days we need to get out of this business."
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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre in Washington. Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.
In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland at 2:20 a.m. ships time, more than 2 1/2 hours after striking an iceberg; 1,514 people died, while less than half as many survived.
In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day. The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.
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Today-------Actor Michael Ansara is 90, Author and politician Jeffrey Archer is 72, rock-singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 68, Actor Michael Tucci is 66, Actress Lois Chilis is 65, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomasson is 65, Actress Amy Wright is 62, Columnist Heloise is 61 and Country singer Roy Clark is 79.
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April 15th is: Income Tax Pay Day (observed on the 17th this year), MacDonald's Day, Take a Wild Ride Day and That Sucks Day.
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Quip for the day................Old actors never died, they just drop apart.
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Larryj
Today's------------old, still funny......
Back in the day, I was on a business trip down south, and I stopped in this one little town to make a few sales calls. I decided to get my shoes shined at an outdoor stand in front of a market. So, I'm sitting there and the shoeshine guy is working away, talking and gossiping a mile a minute.
Pretty soon this little boy walks by and the shoeshine guy whispers to me, "That's the dumbest kid ever. Watch this."
He calls the boy over and says, "I have a shiny quarter to give you. Or you can have a dollar instead."
The kid takes the quarter, says thanks, and leaves.
The shoeshine guy busts up laughing. "See? What did I tell you? It happens every time with that kid."
Afterward, I'm walking down the street and I see the kid walking out of the sweet shop with an ice cream cone. I say, "Hey, kid, why did you take a quarter from that guy when he would have given you a dollar?"
The kid grins at me and says, "The day I take the dollar, the game is over."
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In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia. And, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between the ages of 18 to 35.
In 1912, American aviator Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel, traveling from Dover, England, to France in 59 minutes.
In 1935, the radio comedy program "Fibber McGee and Molly" premiered on NBC's Blue Network.
In 1962, Bob Dylan debuted his song "Blowin' in the Wind" at Gerde's Folk City in New York.
In 1962, New Orleans Archbishop Joseph Rummel excommunicated three local Roman Catholics for fighting racial integration of parochial schools.
In 1962, Walter Cronkite succeeded Douglas Edwards as anchorman of "The CBS Evening News."
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Today---------Pope Benedict XVI is 85, Actor Peter Mark Richman is 85, Singer Bobby Vinton is 77, Denmark's Queen Margrethe II is 72, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 65 and NFL coach Bill Belichick is 60.
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April 16th is: National Health Care Decisions Day.
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Quip for the day........Doing you own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.
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Larryj
Love it!!! ;D
Today's------------ooooohhhh........
Three guys have been stranded for years on a tiny island in a desolate ocean.
One day an old bottle washes up on the beach. One of the castaways rubs it to get the sand off, and a genie pops out, and looks around. "I will grant three wishes," he announces. "Since there are three of you, each gets one wish."
The first fellow says, "I wish I was off this island and back home with my old family and friends, with enough money to live comfortably, for the rest of my life." The genie nods. Poof, the fellow vanishes.
The second fellow says, "That's a good wish. I wish for that, too." Poof, he's gone.
The third fellow thinks for awhile then says, "I'm really going to miss those guys. I wish they were back."
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In 1492, a contract was signed by Christopher Columbus and a representative of Spain's King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella giving Columbus a commission to seek a westward ocean passage to Asia.
In 1961, some 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day.
In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1970, Apollo 13 splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled the spacecraft while enroute to the moon.
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Today-------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 64 and Actor Clarke Peters is 60.
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April 17th is: Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, National Stress Awareness Day, Ford Mustang Day and Nothing Like A Dame Day.
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Quip for the day.........A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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Larryj
Haiku for this day.
Thoughts of my friends on that thread.
Are they writing still? ;)
Today's--------sorry to be late, been a busy and very long day...........
A minister in the big city parked his car in a no-parking zone. He was running late and he couldn't find a regular parking place.
He scribbled a note and tucked it under his windshield wiper: "I have circled the block ten times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a ticket on the windshield, along with a note from the police officer: "I've circled this block for ten years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.
In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.
In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures demanding that women have the right to vote.
In 1983, 63 people, including 17 Americans, were killed at the U.S. Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon, by a suicide bomber.
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Today-----------Actress Barbara Hale is 91, Actor Clive Revill is 82, Actor James Drury is 78, Actor Robert Hooks is 75, Actress Hayley Mills is 66, Actor James Woods is 65 and Actress Cindy Pickett is 65.
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April 18th is: Adult Autism Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day, International Amateur Radio Day and National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day.
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Quip for the day.......How do we know that men, not women, in Biblical times made the coffee? Ans: It clearly states that He-brews.
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Larryj
Today's-------------aha........
A lawyer dies and goes to his eternal reward. The devil is there to greet him personally.
The lawyer is shocked. He says, desperately, "There must be some terrible mistake. I'm much too young to die. I'm only 51."
The devil checks his clipboard and replies, "No, according to our records you are 89."
The lawyer sputters, "Well, that's impossible! How did you come up with that figure?"
The devil checks the paperwork again, then answers, "We added up your time sheets."
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In 1912, a special subcommittee opened hearings in New York into the Titanic disaster. (The hearings, which were subsequently moved to Washington, D.C., concluded on May 28.)
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.
In 1982, astronauts Sally K. Ride and Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first woman and first African-American to be tapped for U.S. space missions.
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Today-----------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 87, Actress Elinor Donahue is 75, Rock Musician Alan Price (The Animals) is 70, Actor Tim Curry is 66, Pop singer Mark "Flo" Volman (The Turtles; Flo and Eddie) is 65 and Actor Tony Plana ("Ugly Betty") is 60.
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April 19th is: National Hanging Out Day, Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day and High Five Day.
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Quip for the day............Judge: Where were you between five and six? Defendant: In kindergarten.
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Larryj
Today's------------celebrity one-liners....
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy." W.C. Fields.
"Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, 'You know, the food here is just terrible.' The other shakes her head and adds, 'And such small portions.'".. Woody Allen.
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In 1999, the Columbine High School in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives.
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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 92, Actor Leslie Phillips is 88, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., is 76, Actor George Takei is 75, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 73, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 71, Bluegrass-singer-musician Doyle Lawson (Quicksilver) is 68, Rock musician Craig Frost (Grand Funk; Bob Seger's Silver Bullet Band) is 64, Actor Gregory Itzin is 64, Actress Jessica Lange is 63 and Actress Veronica Cartwright is 63.
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April 20th is: DNA Day, National Day of Silence and National Pot Smokers Day.
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Quip for the day........One nice thing about egotists; they don't talk about other people.
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Larryj
Today's--------more celebrity one-liners........
"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made."--George Burns
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee."--Abraham Lincoln
"Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves."--Johnny Carson
"At the airport they asked me if strangers had given me anything. Are they kidding? Even people I know don't give me anything."--Comedian George Wallace.
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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.
In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, CT, at age 74.
In 1992, Robert Alton Harris became the first person executed by the state of California in 25 years as he was put to death in the gas chamber for the 1978 murder of two teen-age boys, John Mayeski and Michael Baker.
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Today----------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 86, Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 80, Actor Charles Grodin is 77, Actor Reni Santoni is 74, Singer-musician-actor Iggy Pop is 65, Actress Patti LuPone is 63 and Actor Tony Danza is 61.
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April 21st is: Record Store Day, Auctioneer's Day, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Husband Appreciation Day, Kindergarten Day and National Chocolate-covered Cashews Day.
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Quip for the day.........Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over?"--George Carlin
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Larryj
Today's--------more celebrity one-liners.......
(classic)...."I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."--Henny Youngman
"When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party, according to the letter."--Emo Philips
"I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive."--Steven Wright
'
"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters."--Brian Kiley
"L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up they tell him there'll be a 20-minute wait."--Bill Maher
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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.
In 1937, thousands of college students in New York City staged a "peace strike" opposing American entry into another possible world conflict.
In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.
In 1970, millions of Americans, concerned about the environment, observed the first Earth Day.
In 1987, Joe Hunt, leader of a social and investment group called the "Billionaire Boys Club," was convicted by a jury in Santa Monica of murdering Ron Levin, a con man whose body has never been found. (Hunt was sentenced to life in prison.)
In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, died at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.
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Today----------Actor George Cole is 87, Actress Charlotte Rae is 86, Actress Estelle Harris is 80, Singer-songwriter Glen Campbell is 76, Actor Jack Nicholson is 75, Singer Mel Carter is 69, Author Janet Evanovich is 69, Rock singer-musician Peter Frampton is 62 and Rock singer-musician Paul Carrack is 61.
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April 22nd is: Earth Day, Chemists Celebrate Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day, In God We Trust Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.
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Quip for the day........Why do they put Braille pads on the drive-through ATMs?--George Carlin
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Larryj
Today's----------more, well, you know ::)..........
"My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game." Bill Dwyer
"I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, 'Do you have any firearms with you?'" I said, "What do you need?" Steven Wright
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why." Redd Foxx
(classic) "I went to a psychiatrist, and he says, 'You're crazy.' I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, 'Okay, you're ugly, too.'" Rodney Dangerfield
"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, 'Are you reading that?' I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. Then I stood up, turned the page, and sat back down again." David Brenner
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In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House, in New York.
In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. (The Braves won, 7-5.)
In 1968, student protesters began occupying buildings on the campus of Columbia University in New York; police put down the protests a week later.
In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death for assassinating New York Sen. Robert F. Kennedy. (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.)
In 1992, McDonald's opened its first fast-food restaurant in the Chinese capital of Beijing.
In 2005, website YouTube uploaded its first video, titled "Me at the Zoo," consisting of 18 seconds of co-founder Jawed Karim, standing in front of an elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.
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Today-------Actress-turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 84, Actor Lee Majors is 73, Irish nationalist Bernadette Devlin McAliskey is 65, Actress Blair Brown is 64, Writer-director Paul Brickman is 63 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 63.
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April 23rd is: Movie Theater Day, International Marconi Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day and World Book and Copyright Day.
__________________________________________________
Quip for the day..............You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I would have never thought of that!" Dave Barry
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------Hah.........
Back in the old days, when service stations still offered service, a minister in full clerical collar and garb waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned the pastor toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," he said, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled and replied, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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In 1800, Congress approved a bill establishing the Library of Congress.
In 1960, rioting erupted in Biloxi, Mississippi, after black protesters staging a "wade-in" at a whites-only beach were attacked by a crowd of hostile whites.
In 1962, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology achieved the first satellite relay of a television signal, using NASA's Echo 1 balloon satellite to bounce a video image of the letters "M.I.T." transmitted from Camp Parks, CA., to Westford, MA.
In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.
In 1997, comedian Pat Paulsen died in Tijuana, Mexico, at age 69.
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Today-------------Film and drama critic Stanley Kauffmann is 96, Movie director-producer Richard Donner is 82, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 78, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 70, Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley is 70 and Country singer Richard Sterban (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 69.
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April 24th is: Genocide Remembrance Day and National Teach Your Children To Save Day.
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Quip for the day...............I married my wife for her looks..........but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
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Larryj
Today's-------------haha......
The protective grandmother is watching like a hawk as her grandson plays on the beach. He's wearing a hat. He has sunblock all over him.
The grandmother is very protective.
Suddenly, the boy runs down to the water to rinse off his sand bucket. A rogue wave comes in at that exact moment and sweeps the boy out to sea.
The frantic grandmother runs to the spot and cries out, "Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back to me."
Another huge wave sweeps in and brings the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
The grandmother looks up to heaven and calls out, "He had a hat!"
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In 1507, a world map produced by German cartographer Martin Waldseemueller contained the first recorded use of the term "America," in honor of Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci.
In 1898, the United States formally declared was on Spain.
In 1944, the United Negro College Fund was founded.
In 1972, Polaroid corp. introduced its SX-70 folding camera, which ejected self-developing photographs.
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Today---------Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 82, Actor Al Pacino is 72, Ballroom dance judge Len Goodman (TV: "Dancing with the stars") is 68, Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 67, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 67, Actress Talia Shire is 66, Actor Jeffrey DeMunn is 65, Rock musician Michael Brown (The Left Banke) is 63 and Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers) is 62.
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April 25th is: Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary's Day, DNA Day, Hairstylist's Appreciation Day, 20-something Service Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Hug A Plumber Day, International Guide Dogs Day, Red Hat Society Day and World Penguin Day.
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Quip for the day.............We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve months telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Larryj
Today's-------------darn.........
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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In 1607, English colonists went ashore at present-day Cape Henry, VA., on an expedition to establish the first permanent English settlement in the Western Hemisphere.
In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Port Royal, VA., and shot to death.
In 2000, Vermont Gov. Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.
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Today------------Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 74, Songwriter-musician Duane Eddy is 74, Singer Bobby Rydell is 70 and Rock musician Gary Wright is 69.
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April 26th is: Hug An Australian Day, Audubon Day, National Kids And Pets Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day, Richter Scale Day, Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day and Bob Wills Day.
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Quip for the day.............HELP WANTED! PSYCHIC..............you know where to apply.
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Larryj
Today's---------old, still funny...........
This guy has a talking dog. He takes it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he promises. The talent scout shrugs.
The guy says, "You don't believe it? Just watch. Hey, Spot, what's on top of a house?"
"Roof! Roof!" the dog says.
"Oh, please," the talent scout says, "All dogs say that."
"No, wait," the guy says, "Spot, what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough! Rough!"
The talent scout drums his fingers on the desk. He is losing his patience.
"Wait!" the guy says, "Spot. Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth! Ruth!"
The talent scout kicks them out of his office.
Back on the street, the dog turns to the guy and says, "So, maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
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In 1973, Acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.
In 1982, the trial of John W. Hinckley Jr., who had shot four people, including President Ronald Reagan, began in Washington. (The trial ended with Hinckley's acquittal by reason of insanity.)
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Today----------Actor Jack Klugman is 90, Actress Anouk Almee is 80, Announcer Casey Kasem is 80, Actress Judy Carne is 73, Rock musician Jim Keltner is 70, Singer Ann Peebles is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herbie Murrell is 63, Actor Douglas Sheehan is 63, Rock musician Ace Frehley is 61 and Rock singer Kate Pierson (The B-52's) is 64.
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April 27th is: Arbor Day, Babe Ruth Day, National Hairball Awareness Day, Mantanzas Mule Day and Morse Code Day.
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Quip for the day..............If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?------George Carlin.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah......
The old geezer is exclaiming away at the lodge, boring his fellow codgers as usual.
He waves his bony fist in the air and announces, "I may not have my youth any more, and I may not have my vigor, and I may not have my hair, or my real teeth, but I can tell you one thing, I still have my memory. Knock on wood!"
He gives the armrest of his chair a couple of sharp raps with his knuckles. Knock! Knock!
Then he gets a startled look on his face, jerks his head toward the front door, and calls out, "Who's there?"
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In 1789, there was a mutiny on the Bounty as rebelling crew members of the British ship led by Fletcher Christian set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific. (Bligh and most of the men with him managed to reach Timor in 47 days.)
In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army, the same day General William C. Westmoreland told Congress the U.S. "would prevail in Vietnam."
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Today----------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 86, Former Secretary of State James A. Baker III is 82, Director-actor Richard C. Sarafian is 82, Actress Marcia Strassman is 64, Actor Paul Guilfoyle ("CSI!") is 63, Tonight show host Jay Leno is 62, Rock musician Chuck Leavell is 60 and Actress Ann-Margaret is 71.
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April 28th is: Biological Clock Day, Eeyore's Birthday, National Go Birding Day, National Rebuilding Day, Penguin Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense of Smell Day, Spring Astronomy Day, World Tai Chi and Qigong Day, Worker's Memorial Day, World Healing Day and World Veterinary Day.
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Quip for the day...........You know you are old if you remember riding in the back seat of a station wagon............facing the cars behind you.
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Larryj
Today's-------out of the mouths of babes...........
A first-grade teacher challenged the six-year-olds in her classroom with an exercise involving well-known proverbs. In each case, she would start the sentence, then ask the children to finish it. Among the results:
Strike while the ......... bug is close.
Don't bite the hand that ....... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a ............. Mister.
You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.
A penny saved is .............. not much.
Two's company, three's ....... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.
If a first you don't succeed ...... get new batteries.
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In 1861, the Maryland House of Delegates voted 53-13 against seceding from the Union.
In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.
In 1961, "ABC's Wide World of Sports" premiered, with Jim McKay as host.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.
In 1983, Harold Washington was sworn in as the first black mayor of Chicago.
In 1992, rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King; the violence resulted in 55 deaths and more than $1 billion in damage.
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Today---------Actress Celeste Holm is 95, Poet Rod McKuen is 79, Actor Keith Baxter is 79, Bluesman Otis Rush is 78, Conductor Zubin Mehta is 76, Pop singer Bob Miranda is 70, Country singer Duane Allen is 69 and Singer Tommy James is 65.
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April 29th is: National Pet Parents Day, Mother, Father Deaf Day, National Dance Day, "Peace" Rose Day, Pinhole Photography Day and Zipper Day.
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Quip for the day....................More kids..........It is so hot in some places that people there live in other places.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah............
A man goes into the confession booth.
"Father," he says, "I'm not Catholic, but I have a confession to make. I'm 81 years old and I'm secretly dating a 40-year-old woman."
"Good Heavens!" the priest exclaims.
The man continues, "Also, I'm secretly dating her daughter."
The priest gasps. "My good man," he says, "I think you've come to the wrong place. You say you're not Catholic. Why are you telling me this?"
The man says, "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
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In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.
In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.
In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced the resignations of top aides H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, along with Attorney General Richard G. Kleindienst and White House counsel John Dean.
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Today-------------Singer Willie Nelson is 79, Actor Gary Collins is 74, Actor Burt Young is 72, Singer Bobby Vee is 69, Actor Perry King is 64 and Actress Cloris Leachman is 86.
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April 30th is: Beltane, Bugs Bunny Day, National Honesty Day, National Take Back (prescription drugs) Day, Spank Out Day, Walpurgis Night and World Healing Day.
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Quip for the day......You know you are past your prime when you suck in your gut and your ankles swell.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.......
Burt and Bruce are business partners and friends. They make a deal with each other that whoever dies first will try to make contact from the afterlife.
As it happens, Burt dies. Bruce doesn't hear a thing for more than a year, so he figures that's that. Then one day he gets a call. It's Burt.
Bruce is overjoyed. He exclaims, "So, there really is an afterlife! Burt, tell me all about it. What's it like?"
Burt replies, "Well, I sleep late. I get lots of sleep, believe me. And there's a lot of eating, too. I eat a huge breakfast, and a big lunch, and a huge delicious dinner. And when I'm not eating or sleeping, I'm running around in the woods with the ladies."
Bruce had a tear in his eye. "I can hardly wait," he exclaims. "Heaven sounds so wonderful!"
Burt says, "Oh, I'm not in Heaven. I'm a bear in the Angeles National Forest."
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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.
In 1931, New York's 102-story Empire State Building was dedicated.
In 1931, Singer Kate Smith made her debut on CBS radio on her 24th birthday.
In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered in New York.
In 1960, the Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Sverdlovsk and captured it pilot, Francis Gary Powers.
In 1971, the intercity passenger rail service Amtrak went into operation.
In 1992, on the third day of the Los Angeles riots, a visibly shaken Rodney King appeared in public to appeal for calm, pleading, "Can we all get along?"
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Today---------------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 87, Country singer Sonny James is 83, Singer Judy Collins is 73, Actor Stephen Macht is 70, Pop singer Nick Fortuna (The Buckinghams) is 66, Actor-director Douglas Barr is 63, Actor Dann Florek is 61 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 67.
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May 1st is: Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Child Depression Awareness Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Dance Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principal's Day, Silver Star Day, Stepmother's Day and World Asthma Day.
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Quip for the day.........A frustrating thing about getting old is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember the one just like it that you threw away.
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Larryj
Today's------------haha......
The shopkeeper is explaining business ethics to his two sons.'
He says, "Some day, God willing, the two of you will be running this store as partners, and you'll be making important decisions every day. I want you always to remember, my sons, that it's important not only to do what is smart, but to do what is right."
The two young men nod solemnly.
The shopkeeper continues, "For example, suppose a customer comes in and orders $100 worth of goods. You wrap up the purchase and give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in. Should you or should you not tell your partner?"
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In 1932, Jack Benny's first radio show, sponsored by Canada Dry, made its debut on the NBC Blue Network.
In 1972, longtime FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover died in Washington at age 77.
In 1982, the Weather Channel made its debut.
In 2011, Osama bin Laden, the face of global terrorism and architect of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, was killed in a firefight with elite American forces at his Pakistan compound, then quickly buried at sea in a stunning finale to a furtive decade on the run.
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Today--------Actor Theodore Bikel is 88, Singer Englebert Humperdinck is 76, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 67, Country singer R.C. Bannon is 67, Singer Leslie Gore is 67, Actor David Suchet is 66, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 64, Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 62 and Actress Christine Baranski is 60.
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May 2nd is: Great American Grump Out and Roberts Rule Of Order.
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Quip for the day..............Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah.....
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door. He ignores it.
A minute later he hears another knock. He goes to the door. There's nobody there.
He's barely back in his chair and he hears more knocking. This time he goes to the door, throws it open irritably, and looks this way and that. There's nobody there. Just a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three weeks later, he's sitting in his chair and he hears a knock on the door. He goes to the door and finds the same snail on the porch.
The snail says, "What was THAT all about?"
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In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.
In 1911, Wisconsin Gov. Francis E. McGovern signed the first U.S. worker's compensation law to withstand constitutional review.
In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.
In 1937, Margaret Mitchell won the Pulitzer Prize for her novel "Gone With The Wind."
In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.
In 1952, the Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time on CBS; the winner was Hill Gail.
In 1971, the National Public Radio program "All Things Considered" made its debut.
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Today-------------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 93, Actor Alex Cord is 79, Singer Frankie Valli is 78, Sports announcer Greg Gumbo is 66, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 62, Singer Christopher Cross is 61 and Actress Ann B. Davis is 86.
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May 3rd is: Garden Meditation Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day and World Press Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day............If you try to fail, and succeed...........Which have you done? (George Carlin)
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Larryj
Today's-------------true.....
I have an uncle. He comes over to watch the prize fights on television. Apparently, I have better cable than he does.
Mostly, I enjoy watching the prize fights with my uncle. He's a good guy. But he drives me crazy.
He always says, in the middle of the fight, "Sure. A hundred million dollars. Give me a hundred million dollars, and I'll fight that guy, too."
He says it every time.
And I always say, "Sure. Like people are going to pay $200 a ticket to see some 63-year-old carpet salesman get hit once in the face and cry."
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In 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.
In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income-tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta. (Capone was later transferred to Alcatraz Island.)
In 1961, the first group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C., to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.
In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire during an anti-war protest at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others.
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Today-------Jazz musician Ron Carter is 75, Rock musician Dick Dale is 75, Pop singer Peggy Santiglia (The Angels) is 68, Actor Richard Jenkins is 65, Country singer Stella Parton is 63, Actor-turned-clergyman Hilly Hicks is 62, Irish musician Darryl Hunt (The Pogues) is 62 and Singer Jackie Jackson (The Jacksons) is 61.
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May 4th is: Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Space Day, International Firefighters Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy Day, No Pants Day, Tuba Day and Respect For Chickens Day.
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Quip for the day............Sign on a receptionist's desk: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny.............
Jesus and St. Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits the ball long and straight. It hits the green on the second bounce and rolls to within three feet of the cup.
Jesus is up next. He slices it badly. The ball heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
It bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shed and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto the gravel track. A squirrel hops over and grabs the ball in its mouth. A huge eagle swoops down, grabs the squirrel, flies across the street, and lands in a tree on the golf course. A lightening bolt out of nowhere startles the eagle, who drops the squirrel. The squirrel scampers down the tree, hits the ground hard, and loses control of the ball in its mouth. The ball rolls onto the green and into the cup.
St. Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated, "Are you going to play golf?" he asks, "Or are you just going to mess around?"
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In 1862, the Battle of Puebla took place in Mexico as forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeated troops sent by Napoleon III during the so-called French Intervention. (The Cinco de Mayo holiday commemorates Mexico's victory.)
In 1942, wartime sugar rationing began in the United States.
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Today------------Actress Pat Carroll is 85, Saxophonist Ace Cannon is 78, Country singer-musician Roni Stoneman is 74, Actor Michael Murphy is 74, Actor Lance Henriksen is 72, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 69, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 68, Actor Roger Rees is 68, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 67 and Rock musician Bill Ward is 67.
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May 5th is: Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, Join Hands Day, Kentucky Derby, National Homebrew Day, National Scrapbooking Day, Space Day, Totally Chipotle Day, Cinco de Mayo, International Midwives Day and Free Comic Books Day.
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Quip for the day..........It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they would just stay up there. Hunters would be all confused.
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Larryj
Today's------------sounds about right............
What is it with Mothers anyway? They can be so impossible to please. Let me tell you a story that illustrates my point.
Now, this is my own mother I'm talking about. She gave me a nicely wrapped box for my birthday one year. I opened it. There were two neckties in it. I like them and I told her so. "These are very nice," I said, "I'll wear them often."
Then, on an impulse, I said, "In fact, I'll put one on right now." I went and put on one of the ties. I came back and showed my mother. "I love it," I said.
My mother looked at it, then looked at me and said, "So, you don't like the other one?"
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In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis approved an act passed by the Confederate Congress recognizing that a state of war existed with the United States of America.
In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, which called for barring Chinese Immigrants from the U.S. for ten years. (Arthur had opposed an earlier version with a 20-year ban.)
In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, NJ., killing 35 of 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.
In 2006, Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic, as well as the last survivor with actual memories of the disaster (she was five years old at the time), died in Shrewsbury, MA., at age 99.
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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 81, Rock and Roll singer Bob Seger is 67, Singer Jimmy Dale Gilmore is 67, Gospel singer-comedian Lulu Roman is 66, Actor Alan Dale is 65, Actor Ben Masters is 65 and Actor Gregg Henry is 60.
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May 6th is: Buddah Day, Joseph Brackett Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day, Occupational Safety and Health Day, World Laughter Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day, Motorcycle Mass And Blessing Of The Bikes Day and National Infertility Survivor Day.
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Quip for the day...........If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle....."Take two and keep away from children."
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Larryj
Today's-------------hah..........
Maybe the doctor was just being a wiseacre. Or maybe he honestly was confused by the question. Or maybe his mind was elsewhere that morning. Or maybe he was just having a bad hair day.
Whatever.
In any case, Mrs. Smithers never went back to him again.
The trouble happened one day when Mrs. Smithers went in for her annual checkup. "Doctor," she said, "I have an important decision to make and I need your advice."
The doctor said, "Certainly."
Mrs. Smithers said, "Tell me, is it a good idea for a woman to have children after 40?"
The doctor lifted an eyebrow, removed his spectacles, cleared his throat, paused for a long moment, then said with all sincerity, "Honestly, I believe that 40 children is enough for any woman."
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In 1789, the first inaugural ball was held in New York in honor of President George Washington and his wife, Martha.
In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sank the British liner RMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.
In 1941, Glenn Miller and His Orchestra recorded "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for RCA Victor.
In 1942, U.S. Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright went on a Manila radio station to announce the Allies surrender of the Philippines to Japanese forces during World War II.
In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era." In Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon -- the Viet Cong celebrated its takeover.
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Today------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 73, Actress Robin Strasser is 67, Singer-songwriter Bill Danoff is 66, Rhythm-and-blues singer Thelma Houston is 66, Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 66, Rock musician Prairie Prince is 62 and Movie writer-director Amy Heckerling is 60.
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May 7th is: Accountant's Day and Melanoma Monday.
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Quip for the day...............If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.........
Things famous people's mothers might have said:
Mona Lisa's mother: "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"
Christopher Columbus' mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you should have written."
Michelangelo's mother: "The ceiling again? Why can't you paint on walls like other children?"
Napoleon's mother: "Why are you sticking that hand in your coat? Are you hiding your report card?"
Thomas Edison's mother: "Of course I'm proud of you for inventing the light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"
Paul Revere's mother: "I don't care what you had to do, this is way past your curfew, young man."
Albert Einstein's mother: "So, this is your yearbook picture? You couldn't have combed your hair?"
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In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River.
In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered, and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."
In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon was shoved, stoned, booed and spat upon by anti-American protesters in Lima, Peru.
In 1961, New York's recently created National League baseball team announced that it would be known as the Mets.
In 1973, militant American Indians who'd held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered.
In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the upcoming Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles.
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Today------------Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 86, Singer Toni Tennille is 72, Actor James Mitchum is 71, Country singer Jack Blanchard is 70, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 67, Singer Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 61, Rock musician Chris Frantz (Talking Heads) is 61 and Comedian Don Rickles is 86.
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May 8th is: National Teacher Day, No Socks Day, Time Of Remembrance and Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During The Second World War (8-9), Second World War (8-9), VE Day and World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day.
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Quip for the day............Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
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Larryj
Today's-----------more moms.........
A man calls his complaining mother. "Mother," he says, "It's your son. How are you?"
His mother answers, "My son who never calls! You're still alive? I'm always so worried about you."
"I'm fine, Mother. How are you?"
"Not so good. I've been very weak."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Why have you been weak?"
"Because I haven't eaten a bite of food for 38 days."
"Mother! That's terrible. Why haven't you been eating?"
"Because I don't want to have a mouth full of food if you ever call."
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In 1712, the Carolina Colony was officially divided into two entities; North Carolina and South Carolina.
In 1754, a cartoon in Benjamin Franklin's Pennsylvania Gazette showed a snake cut in pieces, with each part representing an American colony. The caption read, "JOIN, or DIE."
In 1945, U.S. officials announced that midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately.
In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific, nicknamed "George."
In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee opened public hearings on whether to recommend the impeachment of President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today------------Actress Geraldine McEwan is 80, Actor Albert Finney is 76, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 76, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 75, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 75, Singer Tommy Roe is 70, Singer-musician Richie Furay (Buffalo Springfield and Poco) is 68, Actress Candice Bergen is 66, Pop singer Clint Holmes is 66, Actor Anthony Higgins is 65, Singer Billy Joel is 63 and Actress Alley Mills is 61.
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May 9th is: Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, National Night Shift Worker's Day, Occupational Safety And Health Professionals Day, Receptionist's Day and School Nurse Day.
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Quip for the day.............The quickest way to get any kids attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
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Larryj
Today's------------still more moms..........
The adoring mother walks her daughter to the school bus corner on her first day of Kindergarten.
She says, "OK, we're here, sweetie pie!"
She gives her daughter's hair a few last adjustments, and says, "I want you to have a wonderful day, OK, kitten?"
She gives her daughter a hug, and says, "Listen to your teacher and be nice with the other children, my precious flower."
The little girl gets on the bus and waves to her mother out the window. The mother calls out as the bus departs, "Your mommy loves you, babykins!"
At the end of the school day she meets the bus and runs to her daughter.
"So what did my little dollface learn on her first day of school?" she says.
The girl answers, "I learned my name is Susan."
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In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, NY.
In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.
In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI director.
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Today----------Author Bel Kaufman is 101, Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 82, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 79, R&B singer Henry Fambrough is 74, TV-radio personality Gary Owens is 73, Writer-producer-director Jim Abrahams is 68, Singer Donavan is 66 and Singer Dave Mason is 66.
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May 10th is: Lupus Day and Windmill Day.
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Quip for the day........I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. (Phyllis Diller)
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Larryj
Unfortunately that joke about the name really does happen.I had a first grade teacher friend many years ago, before public kindergartens, who had a child in her class who thought his name was "Punkin" because that's what he was always called by his family members. He didn't know his real name!
Today's-----------------Hah.......
Mom shouts upstairs to her son, "Wake up, sleepy-head! It's time to go to school!"
The son groans and calls back, "Mom, I can't go to school today."
Mom replies, sternly, "Young man, give me one good reason why you can't go to school today."
Son: "I'll give you two good reasons. For one, all the kids hate me. And the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Don't be such a baby. You have to go to school."
Son: "Give me one good reason why I have to go to school."
Mom: "I'll give you two good reasons. For one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal."
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In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor (Director-General) of New Netherlands.
In 1927, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded during a banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman formally dedicated the Grand Coulee Dam in Washington state.
In 1973, charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the "Pentagon Papers" case were dismissed by Judge William M. Byrne, who cited government misconduct.
In 1981, legendary reggae artist Bob Marley died in a Miami hospital at age 36.
In 1987, doctors in Baltimore transplanted the heart and lungs of an auto accident victim to a patient who gave up his own heart to another recipient. (Clinton House, the nation's first living heart donor, died 14 months later.
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Today-------Comedian Mort Sahl is 85, Actress Shohreh Aghdashioo is 60, Actress Frances Fisher is 60 and Rock singer Eric Burdon (The Animals; War) is 71.
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May 11th is: Eat What You Want Day, Child Care Provider Day and Military Spouse Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day........."I've found that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person." (Andy Rooney)
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Larryj
My youngest daughter was given a nickname when she was born and somehow it stuck. Most of the family and lots of friends still call her by that nickname and she is in her 40's. Last year one of her father's aunts left the kids some money as their father's heirs and listed her by the nickname, not sure what we will have to do to claim her share.
Today's-------------oops...........
The couple had been married for less than a year when the young wife surprised her husband one day by saying, "I have some news, sweetheart. Pretty soon, there are going to be three of us in the house instead of two."
The husband was overjoyed. He ran to his wife and showered her with kisses and hugs. He was attentive to her all evening. He helped with the dishes. He kept asking if she were comfortable, and if there was anything he could do for her.
The next day he had flowers delivered to her. He came home with a beaming smile and kissed her tenderly. He whistled happily as he changed for dinner and offered to help in the kitchen.
His wife finally said, "I must say you are taking this very well."
He said, "What do you mean?"
She replied, "Well, I worried you might be upset when I told you that mother is moving in with us."
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In 1902, anthracite coal miners in Pennsylvania went on strike. (The strike effectively ended in October 1902 with the appointment of an Anthracite Coal Strike Commission by President Theodore Roosevelt.)
In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.
In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.
In 1958, the United States and Canada signed an agreement to create the North American Air Defense Command (later the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD for short.)
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Today------------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 87, Critic John Simon is 87, Composer Burt Bacharach is 84, Actress Millie Perkins is 74, R&B singer Jayotis Washington is 71, Country singer Billy Swan is 70, Actress Linda Dano is 69, Musician Ian McLagan is 67, Actress Lindsay Crouse is 64, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 64, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 62, Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 62 and Singer Billy Squier is 62.
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May 12th is: Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, Fibromyalgia And Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, Hug Your Cat Day, International Nurse's Day, Limerick Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carriers Food Drive Day, Stay Up All Night, National Train Day, World Belly Dance Day and World Fair Trade Day.
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Quip for the day............When is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes out.
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Larryj
Today's-------HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LADIES..........
THINGS MOM WOULDN'T SAY IN A THOUSAND YEARS...............
*"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
*"Yeah, my grades were pretty terrible, too."
*"Leave the lights on.....it makes the house look more cheery."
*"Let me smell that shirt........OK, it's good for another week."
*"Another puppy? Sure, you can keep it."
*"Well, if the other mothers are saying it's OK, I guess that's good enough for me."
*"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison here."
*"Don't waste tissues. Just use your sleeve."
*"Don't bother wearing a jacket. It's supposed to warm up later."
*"I don't worry about you. I know you can take care of yourself."
*"If you don't want to eat it, don't eat it.
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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)
In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.
In 1861, Britain's Queen Victoria declared her country's neutrality in the American Civil War, but also acknowledged that the Confederacy had belligerent rights.
In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps, featuring a picture of a Curtiss JN-4 biplane, were issued to the public. (On a few of the stamps, the biplane was inadvertently printed upside-down, making them collector's items.)
In 1961, actor Gary Cooper died in Los Angeles six days after turning 60.
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Today------------Actor Buck Taylor is 74, Actor Harvey Keitel is 73, Author Charles Baxter is 65, Actor Franklyn Ajaye is 63, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 63 and singer-musician Stevie Wonder is 62.
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May 13th is: Frog Jumping Day, Mother's Day, Rogation Sunday and Rural Life Sunday.
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Quip for the day.........Most mothers are amazed when their child marries a person with lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, and still manage to have beautiful and brilliant children.
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Larryj
Today's............sorry, late, appointment...........
On Monday, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he reached for his wallet, but the barber said, "It's on the house. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was so pleased he sent over a thank you card and a bouquet of flowers.
On Tuesday, a cop came in for a haircut, and the barber wouldn't accept payment from him either. "I'm doing community service this week," he said. The happy cop later sent over a thank you card and two dozen doughnuts.
On Wednesday, a local politician came in, and the barber cut his hair for free. "I'm doing community service this week," he said.
On Thursday, a dozen other local politicians were waiting in line for haircuts.
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In 1912, the first movie inspired by the Titanic disaster was released just a month after the British liner sank. "Saved From the Titanic." a one-reel drama produced by the Eclair Film Co. of Port Lee, N.J., starred Dorothy Gibson, an actress who had been an actual passenger on the doomed ship; she wore the same outfit for the movie that she was wearing when rescued. ("Saved From the Titanic" is considered lost, the only known copies having been destroyed in a fire in 1914.)
In 1961, Freedom Riders were attacked by violent mobs in Anniston and Birmingham, Alabama.
In 1987, actress Rita Hayworth died in New York at age 68.
In 1998, singer-actor Frank Sinatra died at a Los Angeles hospital at age 82.
In 1998, the hit sitcom "Seinfeld" aired its final episode after nine years on NBC.
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Today---------Opera singer Patrice Munsel is 87, Photo-realist artist Richard Estes is 80, Rock singer-musician Jack Bruce (Cream) is 69, Movie producer George Lucas is 68, Actress Meg Foster is 84, Movie director Robert Zemeckis is 61 and Rock singer David Byrne is 60.
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May 14th is: Mothers At The Wall Day, National Chicken Dance Day, National Women's Checkup Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.
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Quip for the day........Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips.
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Larryj
Today's-----------funny........
The old man ordered one hamburger and a single order of french fries. He carefully cut the burger in half and placed one half in front of his wife. He then divided the fries between them.
A younger couple was seated nearby. The young man stood up, approached the other table and politely offered to buy the older couple a second meal.
The old man said thanks, but declined. "We're fine." he said. "We share everything."
The young man returned to his seat, but soon noticed that the old woman was not eating. He said to his wife, "Maybe you can reason with them. Go offer to buy that poor woman her own meal."
The young woman did just that, but the old woman declined. "We're fine," she said. "We share everything."
The young woman said, "But, dear, you aren't eating your half. What are you waiting for?"
The old woman replied, "The teeth."
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In 1963, astronaut L. Gordon Cooper blasted off aboard Faith 7 on the final mission of the Project Mercury space program.
In 1972, Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot and left paralyzed by Arthur H. Bremer while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the Democratic presidential nomination. (Wallace died in 1998; Bremer was released from prison in November 2007 after serving 35 years of a 53-year sentence for attempted murder.)
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Today---------------Playwright Sir Peter Shaffer is 86, Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 76, Counterculture icon Wavy Gravy is 76, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 75, Singer Trini Lopez is 75, Singer Lenny Welch is 74, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 72, Actress Gunilla Hutton is 70, Country singer K.T. Oslin is 70, Singer-songwriter Brian Eno is 64, Actor Nicholas Hammond ("The Sound Of Music") is 62 and Actor Chazz Palminteri is 60.
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May 15th is: International Day Of Families, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Safety Dose Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day and Straw Hat Day.
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Quip for the day...........I'm not aging. I just need re-potting.
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Larryj
Today's----------some old, some new.......
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Follow your dreams, except that one where you're naked in church.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be and, frankly, neither is my short-term memory.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I may be a schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the eleven articles of impeachment against him.
In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour completed its maiden voyage with a safe landing in the California desert.
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Today--------------Actor George Gaynes is 95, Actor Harry Carey Jr. is 91 and Jazz musician Billy Cobham is 68.
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May 16th is: Biographers Day, National Sea Monkey Day and National Employee Health & Fitness Day.
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Quip for the day...........Billboard near Louisville, KY, advertises..........TATOOS........WHILE YOU WAIT.
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Larryj
Today's--------------DUH..........
A traveling salesman stops for the night at a rustic motel out in the countryside. Checking in, he asks the manager, "What's the weather going to be like tomorrow?"
The man behind the desk said, "Keep your eye on the weather gauge outside the window there."
The salesman examined the window then said, "All I see is a piece of rope hanging out there."
"That's the weather gauge."
"Really? How does it work?"
"If the rope is swinging back and forth, you know its windy out. If the rope is wet, it's raining, more then likely."
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In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.
In 1946, President Harry S. Truman seized control of the nation's railroads, delaying --- but not preventing -- a threatened strike by engineers and trainmen.
In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools.
In 1987, 37 American sailors were killed when an Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark in the Persian Gulf. (Iraq apologized for the attack, calling it a mistake, and paid more than $27 million in compensation.)
In 1992, orchestra leader Lawrence Welk died in Santa Monica, at age 89.
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Today-----------Singer Taj Mahal is 70.
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May 17th is: World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day and World Telecommunications Day.
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Quip for the day.........Did ya hear about the redneck who died and left everything to his wife? She can't touch it until she is 14.
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Larryj
Today's------must be male bashing day.............
Men are like bank accounts. Unless they have a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like forks. They only show up when there is food on the table.
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but most of the time they just look silly.
Men are like mascara. They start running at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like lava lamps. They can be amusing, but they aren't very bright.
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In 1896, the Supreme Court, in Plessy v. Ferguson, endorsed "separate but equal" racial segregation, a concept renounced 58 years later in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.
In 1910, Halley's Comet passed by Earth.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Tennessee Valley Authority.
In 1953, Jacqueline Cochrane became the first woman to break the sound barrier as she piloted a Canadair F-86 jet over Roger's Dry Lake in the Mojave Desert.
In 1969, astronauts Eugene A. Cernan, Thomas P. Stafford and John W. Young blasted off aboard Apollo 10 on a mission to orbit the moon.
In 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded leaving 57 people dead or missing.
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Today------------Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Jack Whitaker is 88, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 75, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 66, Actress Candice Azzara is 65, Country singer Joe Bonsall (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 64, Rock musician Rick Wakeman (Yes) is 63, Actor James Stephens is 61 and Country singer George Strait is 60.
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May 18th is: Bats Day (18-20), Endangered Species Day, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, International Virtual Assistant Day, Mother Whistler Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Pizza Party Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.
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Quip for the day.............Did you guys ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better if God had used a funny bone instead of a rib?
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Larryj
Today's--------funny........
A farmer from the Midwest has aching feet. "You need a vacation," the doc says. "Go to Miami, soak your feet in sea water. You'll feel better."
The farmer goes to Florida, buys two buckets at a hardware store, then goes to the beach. The tide is in. "How much for two buckets of sea water?" he asks the lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the lifeguard replies with a straight face.
The farmer pays him, fills the buckets, carries them to his hotel room and soaks his feet. His feet feel better.
Later he returns to the beach for a refill. He gives the lifeguard two bucks. The lifeguard says, "Help yourself."
The tide is out. The farmer studies the scene, whistles in amazement, and says, "Wow, some business you got here!"
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In 1921, Congress passed and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants.
In 1967, the Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States and Britain banning nuclear and other weapons from outer space as well as celestial bodies such as the moon.
In 1994, former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York at age 64.
In 2011, President Barack Obama for the first time endorsed the Palestinians' demand that their eventual state be based on borders that existed before the 1967 Middle East war, a position that put him sharply at odds with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
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Today---------TV personality David Hartman is 77, Actor James Fox is 73, Actress Nancy Kwan is 73, Author-director Nora Ephron is 71, Actor Peter Mayhew is 68, Rock singer-composer Pete Townshend (The Who) is 67, Concert pianist David Helfgott is 65, Rock singer Dusty Hill (ZZ Top) is 63, Singer-actress Grace Jones is 60 and PBS newscaster Jim Lehrer is 78.
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May 19th is: Artichoke Day (19-20), Armed Forces Day, National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Boys Club Day, May Ray Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day, O. Henry Pun-off Day and Preakness Stakes.
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Quip for the day......(caution: groaner)................Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? The survivors were
.........................................................................Marooned.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah......
Delivering a speech at a banquet in his honor on the night of his arrival in the capital city, famed theologian Dr. Folsom Holdingforth told a number of humorous anecdotes.
Noticing that there were reporters in the room taking notes, the illustrious preacher at one point, wagged his finger at them and cautioned, "Please don't spoil these stories by putting them in the newspaper, as I intend to use some of them in my sermon tomorrow at City Cathedral."
The next day he was shocked to read one reporter's account of the banquet proceedings. The article ended with the sentence, "Dr. Holdingforth peppered his talk with a number of jokes that cannot be printed in this newspaper."
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Homestead Act, which was intended to encourage settlements west of the Mississippi River by making federal land available for farming.
In 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, NY, aboard the Spirit of St. Louis on his historic solo flight to France.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.
In 1939, regular trans-Atlantic mail service began as a Pan-American Airways plane, the Yankee Clipper, took off from Port Washington, NY, bound for Marseille, France.
In 1959, nearly 5,000 Japanese-Americans had their U.S. citizenship restored after renouncing it during World War II.
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Today---------Actor-author James McEachin is 82, Actor Anthony Zerbe is 76, Actor David Proval is 70, Singer Joe Cocker is 68, Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 63, Rock musician Warren Cann is 60 and Singer-actress Cher is 66.
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Quip for the day........Entry from a Sunday School child........."Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony."
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Larryj
Today's------timing is everything.......
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them.
"This is a stick-up," he announces. "Do exactly as I say and nobody gets hurt. I want you both to reach for your wallets, nice and slow. Don't make any sudden movements. Keep your hands where I can see them."
The two guys fish out their wallets.
"OK," the robber says, "take out the money, nice and slow, and give it to me."
The two guys pull out their money and start to hand it over. First, though, one of the guys hands a bill to his friend.
"Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
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In 1881, Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.
In 1927, Charles A. Lindbergh landed his Spirit of St. Louis near Paris, completed the first solo airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean in 33 1/2 hours.
In 1941, a German U-boat sank the American merchant steamship SS Robin Moor in the South Atlantic after allowing the ship's passengers and crew to board lifeboats.
In 1956, the United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
In 1959, the musical "Gypsy," inspired by the life of stripper Gypsy Rose Lee, opened on Broadway with Ethel Merman starring as Mama Rose.
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Today------------Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 71, Rock musician Hilton Valentine (The Animals) is 69, Actor Richard Hatch ("Battlestar Galactica") is 67, Musician Bill Champlin is 65, Singer Leo Sayer is 64, Actress Carol Potter is 64 and Actor Mr. T is 60.
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May 21st is: American Red Cross Founders Day, End Of The World or Rapture Party Day, I Need A Patch For That Day, World Day For Cultural Diversity For Dialogue And Development, National Endangered Species Day, National Wait Staff Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day and Victoria Day.
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Quip for the day...........Anyone who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.
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Larryj
Today's------------ouch.......
A guy is totally suspicious of his fiance, who lives in another state a thousand miles away. They met online, then got together several times before becoming engaged. But now she's barely returning his e-mails.
Finally, he decides he's had enough. He sends her a letter, along with a self-addressed stamped mailer. The letter says, "I can't marry you. I don't know who you are anymore. Please return the ring and that picture of me that I gave you."
A week later he receives the mailer back. It contains five rings and a dozen photographs of different men, along with a note and a self-addressed stamped mailer. The note says, "Please pick out your ring and photo, and return the others. I don't know which one you are anymore."
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In 1761, the first American life insurance policy was issued in Philadelphia to a Rev. Frances Allison, whose premium was six pounds a year.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon began a visit to the Soviet Union, during which he and Kremlin leaders signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty.
In 1992, after a reign lasting nearly 30 years, Johnny Carson hosted NBC's "Tonight Show" for the last time.
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Today-------Movie reviewer Judith Crist is 90, Singer Charles Aznavour is 88, Actor Michael Constantine is 85, Conductor Peter Nero is 78, Actor-director Richard Benjamin is 74, Actor Frank Converse is 74, Former CNN anchor Bernard Shaw is 72, Actress Barbara Parkins is 70 and Songwriter Bernie Taupin is 62.
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May 22nd is: International Day For Biological Diversity and National Maritime Day.
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Quip for the day.............The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Larryj
Rev. Allison started a school up the road a bit from here in New London PA. It later moved and became the parent of UD.
Today's----------hah............
The coach summons his Little League team into a circle before the game.
"OK," he says, "I want a good, clean game. I want to see sportsmanlike behavior. I don't want to hear any taunting or trash-talking. No whining or complaining. No yelling at the umpire. No rough play, either. Remember, this is a game. Does everyone understand?"
The young players nodded solemnly.
The coach continued, "OK, it's not you I'm worried about. Go tell your parents."
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In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush in Bienville Parish, LA.
In 1937, industrialist and philanthropist John D. Rockefeller, founder of Standard Oil Co. and the Rockefeller Foundation, died in Ormond Beach, Florida, at age 97.
In 1984, Surgeon General C. Everett Koop issued a report saying there was "very solid" evidence linking cigarette smoke to lung disease in non-smokers.
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Today------------Bluegrass singer Mac Wiseman is 87, Actor Nigel Davenport is 84, Actress Barbara Barrie is 81, Actress Joan Collins is 79, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 76, Actress Lauren Chapin is 67, Country singer Misty Morgan is 67 and Country singer Judy Rodman is 61.
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May 23rd is: National Taffy Day, World's Crohn's and Colitis Day and World Turtle Day.
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Quip for the day.........If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.
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Larryj
Today's------------another "hah"...........
The frequent flier normally didn't care for small talk during long flights, but the nice old lady seated next to him was pleasant and friendly, in addition to being very talkative.
So he listened good-naturedly as she rambled on and on about her grandchildren.
For a solid hour and a half she recounted in great detail the exploits and achievements of each one of them. At one point she even pulled out a fold-out photo album with pictures of all nine of them.
The gentleman listened with great patience, and studied the photographs with a great show of interest. But he had to laugh out loud when Grandma finally said, "Oh, dear, I've done all the talking. I'm so sorry. I know you must have something to say, and I do want to hear it. Please, tell me .... what do YOU think of my grandchildren?"
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In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.
In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place at Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.
In 1961, a group of Freedom Riders was arrested after arriving at a bus terminal in Jackson, Mississippi, charged with breaching the peace for entering white-designated areas. (They ended up serving 60 days in jail.)
In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Aurora 7.
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Today-------Comedian Tommy Chong is 74, Actor Gary Burghoff is 69, Singer Patti LaBelle is 68, Actress Priscilla Presley is 67, Country singer Mike Reid is 65, Actor Jim Broadbent is 63 and Singer Bob Dylan is 71.
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May 24th is: Brother Day, International Tiara Day and Morse Code Day.
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Quip for the day........Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
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Larryj
Today's------------still another "hah"........
A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "I'm having a holiday cookout this weekend. How much is your ground sirloin?"
The butcher replies, "It's 29 cents a pound."
The man says, "That's great! I'll take five pounds."
Butcher says, "Sorry, we're out."
The disappointed man tries another butcher's shop. "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The butcher answers, "It's $7.99 a pound."
The man says, "What? The butcher down the street is selling it for 29 cents a pound. I was just in there, but he's out of it right now."
The second butcher smiles and says, "Well, when I don't have any, I'll sell it for 29 cents a pound, too."
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In 1787, the Constitutional Convention began at the Pennsylvania State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia after enough delegates had shown up for a quorum.
In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
In 1986, an estimated 7 million Americans participated in "Hands Across America" to raise money for the nation's hungry and homeless.
In 1992, Jay Leno made his debut as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" succeeding Johnny Carson.
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Today-----------Lyricist Hal David is 91, Former White House news secretary Ron Nessen is 78, Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 76, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 73, Country singer Jesse Colter is 69, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 69, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 68, Actress Karen Valentine is 65, Rock singer Klaus Meine is 64 and Actress Patti D'Arbanville is 61.
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May 25th is: Cookie Monster's Birthday, Don't Fry Day, Heat Awareness Safety Day, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day, Towel Day, National Wig-out Day and Old Time Player Piano Day.
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Quip for the day.........How is it the "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
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Larryj
Today's-------still another "hah"............
My four-year-old nephew scared us half to death one summer by disappearing one afternoon during the family's lakeside vacation.
More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was more than relieved when we found Alex playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me, Alex," his mother said sharply. "From now on, when you want to go some place, you tell Mommy first, OK?"
Alex considered this for a moment, then said, "OK, Disneyland."
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In 1942, the U.S. War Department formally established the Armed Forces Radio Service (AFRS) during World War II as a way of boosting morale among American troops overseas. That same day, Radio Tokyo boasted of recent victories in the Pacific War and declared that "the Japanese people can look forward to a triumphal march into London and a victory march in New York."
In 1942, the Tule Lake Segregation Center, which held Japanese-Americans wartime internees, opened in Northern California.
In 1992, Charles Geschke, president and chief operating officer of Adobe Systems, Inc., was kidnapped in the company's parking lot in Mountain View, CA., and held for ransom. (Geschke was rescued four days later: his kidnappers were arrested.)
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Today---------Actor Alec McCowen is 87, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 73, Country musician Gates Nichols (Confederate Railroad) is 68, Singer Stevie Nicks is 64, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 63, Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 63, Former astronaut Sally K. Ride is 61 and Actress Pam Grier is 63.
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May 26th is: International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpoint Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.......From a kid: "When planets run around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it we say they are crazy."
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Larryj
Today's------------old, funny........
Complications of pregnancy cause a woman to fall into a deep coma-like sleep from which she awakens in three months, fully recovered.
She immediately realizes she no longer is pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. They're fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman says, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot! What did he name them?"
The doctor replies, "Well, let's see, the girl is named Denice."
The woman says, "Wow, that's not bad. Guess I was wrong about my brother. What did he name the boy?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
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In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus. (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)
In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.
In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County was opened to pedestrian traffic. (Vehicular traffic began crossing the bridge the next day.)
In 1942, Navy Cook 3rd Class Doris "Dorie" Miller became the first African-American to receive the Navy Cross for his "extraordinary courage and disregard for his own personal safety" during Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor.
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Today--------Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Herman Wouk is 97, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 89, Author John Barth is 82, Actress Lee Meriwether is 77, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 76, Rhythm-and-blues singer Raymond Sanders (The Persuasions) is 73, Country singer Don Williams is 73, Singer Cilla Black is 69, Singer Bruce Cockburn is 67, Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 62 and Actor Christopher Lee is 90.
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May 27th is: Cellophane Tape Day, Indianapolis 500, Pentecost and Whit Sunday.
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Quip for the day.........Pregnancy Q&A: Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kid is in college.
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Larryj
Today's------------uh, wait......
One day on our Caribbean cruise, my husband and I decided to hit the pool. We found good chairs, we each had a good book, and we were enjoying the day, but it soon got hot and we decided a cold beer would be refreshing.
We had purchased a couple of fancy brews the previous day at one of the on-board shops, and I went back to our room to fetch them. A porter was in the room, making up the bed.
I asked him, "Is it OK if we drink beer in bottles by the pool?"
He said, "Sure. Just let me finish these last few rooms here, then I'll be ready."
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In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.
In 1912, the Senate Commerce Committee issued its report on the sinking of the Titanic. Sen. William Alden Smith, R-Mich., chairman of the special subcommittee that looked into the disaster, cited a "state of absolute unpreparedness," improperly tested safety equipment and an "indifference to danger" on the part of the ship's captain, Edward Smith, as being among the causes of an "unnecessary tragedy."
In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington signaling that vehicular traffic could begin crossing the just-opened Golden Gate Bridge in California.
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Today-----------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 83, Actress Carroll Baker is 81, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 81, Actor John Karlen is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 74, Actress Beth Howland is 71, Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 68, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 68, Singer Billy Vera is 68, Singer John Fogerty is 67 and Singer Gladys Knight is 68.
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May 28th is: Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day, Memorial Day, Prayer For Peace Memorial Day and Whit Monday.
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Quip for the day...........There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
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Larryj
Today's------------gotcha.....
A man had been driving all night. As day broke, he pulled off on a side street to catch a nap. Alas, he had chosen a popular jogging route.
No sooner had he drifted off in sleep, he was disturbed by a knocking on his window. A jogger asked, "Excuse me, what time is it?"
The man checked his watch and said, "6:15 AM." The jogger thanked him on ran off.
The man fell asleep again, but was soon awakened by a knock on the window.
"What time is it?" another jogger asked.
The man checked his watch and said, "It's 6:30 AM." The jogger thanked him with a nod and ran off.
The man found a piece of paper and a pen. He made a sign and stuck it on the window. It said, "I don't know what time it is."
No sooner was he asleep again when there was a knock on the window. A jogger said, "Sir, it's 6:45 AM!"
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In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state to join the Union.
In 1942, the movie "Yankee Doodle Dandy," starring James Cagney as George M. Cohan, premiered in New York.
In 1942, Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded Irving Berlin's "White Christmas" in Los Angeles for Decca Records.
In 1942, actor John Barrymore died in Hollywood at age 60.
In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.
In 1973, Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los Angeles, defeating incumbent Sam Yorty.
In 1987, a jury in Los Angeles acquitted "Twilight Zone" movie director John Landis and four associates of involuntary manslaughter in the movie-set deaths of actor Vic Morrow and two child actors, 7-year-old Myca Dinh Le and 6-year-old Renee Shinn-Yi Chen, who were killed by a falling helicopter.
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Today----------Actor Clifton James is 91, Former Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent is 74, Race car driver Al Unser is 73, Actor Helmut Berger is 68, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harum) is 67, Actor Anthony Geary is 65 and Singer Rebbie Jackson is 62.
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May 29th is: International Day Of United Nations Peacekeepers and Learn About Composting Day.
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Quip for the day............If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.......
The general is conducting inspection and he notices several G.I.s are missing. That very moment, one of them runs up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, general, sir!" he says, saluting. "I can explain. I had a date and it ran a little late. I missed the bus by seconds. I got a cab, but it broke down. I bought a horse, but it dropped dead. So I ran 10 miles."
The general laughs at the audacious story. He decides to give the guy a break. "Get in line," he growls.
Moments later, four more G.I.s run up, panting. They tell the same exact story. Bus, cab, dead horse. Same story.
The general frowns. This is ridiculous, he thinks.
A sixth G.I. runs up. "Sir, I had a date and it ran late. I missed the bus by seconds. I got a cab but.....
The general interrupts, "Let me guess. It broke down."
The G.I. says, "No, but we had to go slow because of all the dead horses in the road."
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In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun.
In 1912, aviation pioneer Wilbur Wright, 45, died in Dayton, Ohio, of typhoid fever more than eight years after he and his brother, Orville, launched their first airplane.
In 1937, 10 people were killed when police fired on steelworkers demonstrating near the Republic Steel plant in South Chicago.
In 1943, American forces secured the Aleutian island of Attu from the Japanese during World War II.
In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.
In 1971, the American space probe Mariner 9 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Florida, on a journey to Mars.
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Today------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 86, Actor Clint Walker is 85, Actor Keir Dullea is 76, Actress Ruta Lee is 76, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 73, Pro and College Football Hall of Famer Gayle Sayers is 68, Rock musician Lenny Davidson is 68 and Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 61.
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May 30th is: Loomis Day, National Senior Health and Fitness Day and World Multiple Sclerosis Day.
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Quip for the day............I'm desperately trying to figure out why Japanese Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah......gotcha.....
A mechanic was refitting a cylinder head on the engine of a BMW M3 when he noticed a well-known heart surgeon standing near the service area. The doctor, who owned several BMWs, was a familiar face around the dealership, and the two men knew each other well.
The mechanic hailed his friend. "Hey, Doc, come here and take a look at this!"
The doctor waved and walked over.
The mechanic said, "Look at this car. I opened its heart, took out the valves, repaired or replace the damaged parts, and now I'm putting everything back in place and closing it up. I promise you, it will run like new. So, doc, how is it that I make $30,000 a year and you make a million, at least, when you and I do basically the same work?"
The doctor smiled and said, "Can you do it with the engine running?"
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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.
In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.
In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.
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Today-------------Singer Peter Yarrow is 74, Former Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite is 73, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 72, Actress Sharon Gless is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 69, Actor Tom Berenger is 62, Actor Gregory Harrison is 62 and Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 82.
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May 31st is: Hug Your Cat Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No-Tobacco Day.
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Quip for the day...........You're old when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah.......
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. They struck up a conversation.
"I've had a pretty good life," the 20 exclaimed. "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City and New Orleans. I even spent time in Hawaii. I've been to the best shows and finest restaurants in America. I cruised the Caribbean, too."
"Wow!" the $1 bill said. "That's exciting!"
The 20 said, "So, how about you, little fella?"
The $1 bill replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church....."
The $20 bill interrupted: "What's a church?"
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In 1796, Tennessee became the 16th state.
In 1862, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee assumed command of the Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War.
In 1912, Paramount Pictures had its beginnings as Adolph Zukor incorporated the Famous Players Film Co., which later merged with the Jesse L. Lasky Feature Play Co.
In 1967, the Beatles album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was released.
In 1997, Betty Shabazz, the widow of Malcolm X, was severely burned in a fire set by her 12-year-old grandson in her Yonkers, NY, apartment. (She died three weeks later.)
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Today--------Actor Richard Erdman is 87, Actor Andy Griffith is 86, Singer Pat Boone is 78, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 78, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 72, Opera singer Frederica von Stade is 67, Actor Brian Cox is 66, Rock musician Ronnie Wood is 65, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 65, Actor Powers Boothe is 64 and Actor Morgan Freeman is 75.
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June 1st is: Doughnut Day (1-2), Heimlich Maneuver Day, Milk Days (1-3), National Go Barefoot Day, Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (1-3), Say Something Nice Day, Stand For Children Day and Leave The Office Early Day.
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Quip for the day............I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
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Larryj
Today's---------uh oh.........
As soon as the Metrolink train left the station, the guy pulled out his cellphone. "Hi, sweetheart," he announced in a loud voice everyone could hear. "It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6:30, not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting. No, not with the floozies in my office. No, sweetheart, You're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure. Cross my heart....."
This went on for 20 minutes. Finally, the three women sitting across the aisle had heard enough. They shouted out, in unison, "Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and get back in the hot tub!"
Pretty soon, Eric's phone was back in his pocket, and it stayed there.
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In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that "the report of my death was an exaggeration."
In 1941, baseball's "Iron Horse," Lou Gehrig, died in New York of a degenerative disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis; he was 37.
In 1997, Timothy McVeigh was convicted of murder and conspiracy in the Oklahoma City bombing. (He was executed in June 2001.)
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Today-------Actor Milo O'Shea is 87, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 75, Actor Ron Ely is 74, Actor Stacy Keach is 71, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 71, Singer William Guest is 71, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 68, Movie director Lasse Hallstrom is 66, Actor Jerry Mathers is 64 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 62.
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June 2nd is: National Bubba Day, National Cancer Survivors Day, Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day, Drawing Day or Pencil Day and National Trails Day.
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Quip for the day........When one engine fails on a two-engine plane, you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash.
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Larryj
BTW, this thread will be put on hold on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of next week. There is a cousin's reunion to attend. Of the original 26 first cousins, there are only 17 left. Out of that 17, I think only about 6, maybe 7, will attend as it is on the West Coast and many cousins are scattered across the country. These reunions happen about every two years and are not regularly scheduled. They are organized by one cousin or another when they feel like having one.
Larryj
Have a good time. Wish we could get that many cousins together at one time.
Today's------------a little redneck humor.........
Jimmy Ray runs into the country tavern and shouts, "Billy Bob, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot! I saw him drive off!"
Everyone in the bar runs out into the parking lot.
Sure enough, Billy Bob's truck is gone.
Billy Bob says to Jimmy Ray, "Did you get a good look at who did it?"
Jimmy Ray says, "I sure didn't. But don't worry. I wrote down the license number."
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In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.
In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.
In 1972, Sally J. Priesand was ordained as America's first female rabbi at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati, Ohio.
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Today--------TV producer Chuck Barris is 83, Actress Irma P. Hall is 77, Author Larry McMurtry is 76, Rock singer Ian Hunter (Mott The Hoople) is73, Singer Eddie Holman is 66, Actor Tristan Rogers is 66, Musician Too Slim (Riders in the Sky) is 64, Rock Musician Richard Moore is 63, Singer Suzi Quatro is 62 and Singer Deneice Williams is 61.
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June 3rd is: Chimborazo Day and Children's Awareness Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day.......You might be a redneck if your TV gets 512 channels, but you still have to go outside to use the bathroom.
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Larryj
Today's------------I'M BAAAAACCCCKKKK!
During my visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine when it's time for someone to be put in an old folks home?"
My doctor replied, "Well, we ask a simple question. If you had to empty a bathtub full of water, and were given the choice of a teaspoon or a bucket, what would you do?"
I said, "Oh, I get it. A normal person would want to use the bucket."
My doctor said, "No, a normal person would pull the plug. Will you be wanting a be near a window?"
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In 1962, 20th Century Fox fired actress Marilyn Monroe from its production "Somethings Got To Give," saying she was unreliable. (Fox later changed its mind, but Monroe died before filming could resume, and the movie was abandoned.)
In 1972, during the Vietnam War, a South Vietnamese Air Force jet dropped a napalm bomb onto the village of Trang Bang. Associated Press photographer Nick Ut captured the image of a screaming 9-year-old, Phan Thi Kim Phuc, as she ran naked and severely burned from the scene of the explosion along with other victims.
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Today--------Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 87, Comedian Joan Rivers is 79, Actress Millicent Martin is 78, Actor James Darren is 76, Actor Bernie Casey is 73, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 72, Singer Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night) is 70, Musician Boz Scaggs is 68, Actor Don Grady is 68, Rock Musician Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 65, Author Sara Paretsky is 65, Actress Sonia Braga is 62, Country musician Tony Rice is 61 and Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 85.
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May 8th is: Banana Split Days (8-9), National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Upsy Daisy Day and World Ocean Day.
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Quip for the day............I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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Larryj
Today's--------old, still funny.......
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's motionless. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are glazed over.
The other guy shakes him, slaps his face, cries out to him, "Buddy! Wake up! Buddy!"
Finally, he takes out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He says to the operator, "I'm hunting with my friend! He just collapsed. I think he's dead!"
The 9-1-1 operator says, "OK, calm down. Everything is going to be OK. I'll talk you through it. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There was a long silence, then a gunshot.
The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
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In 1909, Alice Huyler Ramsey, 22, set out from New York in a Maxwell DA on a journey to become the first woman to drive across the United States. (Ramsey and three female companions arrived in San Francisco of August 7.)
In 1973, Secretariat became horse racing's first Triple Crown Winner in 25 years by winning the Belmont Stakes.
In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood.
In 1986, the Rogers Commission released its report on the Challenger disaster, criticizing NASA and rocket-builder Morton Thiokol for management problems leading to the explosion that claimed the lives of seven astronauts.
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Today------------Actress Mona Freeman is 86, Media analyst Marvin Kalb is 82, Actor Joe Santos is 81, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 73, Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 73 and Rock musician Jon Lord is 71.
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June 9th is: Donald Duck Day, Belmont Stakes, International Young Eagles Day and The Wicket World Of Croquet Day.
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Quip for the day.........Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Larryj
Today's--------Happy Sunday........
The regular church organist was sick so a substitute was called in. The pastor said, "OK, here's a copy of today's program. I've marked all the spots where you need to start playing. I don't know your favorites, but you can play whatever you want, as long as it's appropriate."
Everything went well. The organist played "Abide With Me" as the congregation arrived. Then he played "A Mighty Fortress" after the pastor's welcoming remarks.
Then it was time for the offering. The pastor delivered an eloquent description of the church's financial needs, finishing with the urgent plea, "Friends, we must rise to face these challenges. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up now so the deacons can see you!"
He nodded to the organist who immediately launched into "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
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In 1692, the first official execution resulting from the Salem witch trials in Massachusetts took place as Bridget Bishop was hanged.
In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith and William Griffith Wilson.
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon lifted the two-decades-old trade embargo on China.
In 1991, 11-year-old Jaycee Dugard of South Lake Tahoe, CA., was abducted by Phillip and Nancy Garrido; Jaycee was held by the couple for 18 years before she was found by authorities.
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Today------------Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 79, Actress Alexandra Stewart is 73, Singer Shirley Alston Reeves is 71, Actor Jurgen Prochnow is 71, Media commentator Jeff Greenfield is 69, Country-singer-songwriter Thom Schuyler is 60 and Britain's Prince Philip is 91.
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June 10th is: Abused Women And Children's Awareness Day, Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day, Children's Sunday, Iced Tea Day, Multicultural American Child Day, Ride With The Wind Day or Ride For The Wind Day or World Wind Day and Race Unity Day.
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Quip for the day..........We don't change God's message............His message changes us.
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Larryj
Today's-----------funny.....
Dad was given to sarcasm. Mom kept pleading with him to write to their son, who was away at college.
"It's been months since he's answered any of my letters," she said. "If you write, maybe it will get his attention."
Dad said, "The boy is busy. Leave him alone. You know he's in the classroom, or at the library, or studying hard in his room every minute, don't you?"
He then added, rolling his eyes, "Yeah, right."
Mom persevered. "Please, honey, I beg you. Just write a short note."
Dad said, "Oh, alright. I'll send him a short note."
And he did. It said, "Dear son, your mother and I really enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
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In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes becoming horse-racing's first Triple Crown winner.
In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay staged an escape, leaving the island on a makeshift raft. Frank Morris and brothers Clarence and John Anglin were never found or heard from again.
In 1971, the year-and-a-half-long occupation of Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay by American Indian activists ended as federal officers evicted the remaining protesters.
In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.
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Today-------Opera singer Rise Stephens is 99, Actor Chad Everett is 75, Comedian Johnny Brown is 75, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 73, Singer Joey Dee is 72, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 67, Rock musician Frank Beard (ZZ Top) is 63, Animal rights activist Ingrid Newkirk is 63, Rock singer Donnie Van Zant is 60 and Actor Gene Wilder is 79.
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June 11th is: Corn On The Cob Day.
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Quip for the day...........I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.
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Larryj
Today's------------aha......
On the day i received my learner's permit, my father agreed to accompany me for some driving practice. We walked out to the car. He handed me the keys.
Then, with a big grin, he jumped into the back seat behind the driver's seat.
I said, "Daddy, aren't you going to sit up front with me?"
He said, "Kirsten, let me tell you something. I've been waiting for this moment ever since you were a little girl. Now it's my turn to sit back here and kick the seat!"
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In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, NY.
In 1942, Anne Frank, a German-born Jewish girl living in Amsterdam, received a diary for her 13th birthday; in it, she wrote, "I hope I will be able to confide everything to you, as I have never been able to with anyone, and I hope you will provide much support and comfort." (Less than a month later, Anne and her family went into hiding from the Nazis.)
In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."
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Today-----------Banker/philanthropist David Rockefeller is 97, Former President George H.W. Bush is 88, Singer Vic Damone is 84, Songwriter Richard Sherman is 84, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 71, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 71, Pop singer Len Barry is 70 and Actor-singer Jim Nabors is 82.
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June 12th is: Crowded Nest Awareness Day, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day and Loving Day.
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Quip for the day.........Bumper sticker...........Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
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Larryj
Today's-------------love it......
The family was sitting at the dinner table. The little boy asked, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
Father frowned and said, "Son, I hardly think this is a suitable topic for dinnertime conversation."
Afterward, when the dinner dishes were cleared and father found his seat in the living room, the little boy approached him and said, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
Father said, "Son, why do you ask this question?"
The little boy said, "Well, there was a big fly in your vegetable soup, and I wanted to know if you were going to eat it. Then you ate it, so that answered my question. But now I want to know if it tasted good."
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In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.
In 1966, the Supreme Court ruled in Miranda v. Arizona that criminal suspects had to informed of their constitutional rights to consult with an attorney and to remain silent.
In 1971, the New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of America's involvement in Vietnam from 1945 to 1967 that had been leaked to the paper by military analyst Daniel Ellsberg.
In 1996, the 81-day-old Freeman standoff ended as 16 remaining members of the anti-government group surrendered to the FBI and left their Montana ranch.
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Today-----------Actor Bob McGrath is 80, Artist Christo is 77, Magician Siegfried (Siegfried and Roy) is 73, Singer Bobby Freeman is 72, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 69 and Actor Stellan Skarsgard is 61.
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June 13th is: Queen's Official Birthday.
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Quip for the day.........There are more men than women in mental hospitals.......which goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------hah.........
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual promises that they would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Months later, when Mom found herself solely responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. She told the children that Danny was leaving.
The kids took the news pretty well, though one of them said, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child said, "Well, it's too bad we can't keep him, but all he did was eat and sleep, and he was so messy."
Mom said, "OK, I'm taking Danny to his new home now. Go and get his cage."
The children reacted with horror. One of them cried, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
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In 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag.
In 1954, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1967, the space probe Mariner 5 was launched from Cape Kennedy on a flight that took it past Venus.
In 1972, the Environmental Protection Agency ordered a ban on continued domestic use of the pesticide DDT.
In 1992, Mona Van Duyn became the first woman to be named the nation's poet laureate by the Library of Congress.
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Today------Actress Marla Gibbs is 81, Writer Peter Mayle is 73, Actor Jack Bannon is 72, Country-rock musician Spooner Oldham is 69, Rock singer Rod Argent (The Zombies; Argent) is 67, Real Estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump is 66, Singer Janet Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 66, Rock musician Barry Melton is 65, Rock musician Alan White (Yes) is 63 and Actor Eddie Mekka is 60.
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June 14th is: Army's Birthday, Career Nurse Assistant's Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day, Family History Day and Flag Day.
___________________________________________________
Quip for the day.........Did you hear about the woman who shot her husband with a bow and arrow? She didn't want to wake the children.
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Larryj
Today's---------yep...........
A father and son went fishing. During one quiet moment, the boy asked, "Dad, how does this boat float on water?"
The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A while later, the boy asked, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
The father thought for a moment then said, "Don't rightly know, son."
Some time later, the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
After a while, the boy said, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions?"
Father replied, "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything."
_________________________________________
In 1215, England's King John put his seal to the Magna Carta ("The Great Charter") at Runnymede.
In 1864, Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton signed an order establishing a military burial ground, which became Arlington National Cemetery.
In 1978, King Hussein of Jordan married 26-year-old American Lisa Halaby, who became Queen Noor.
In 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle, relying on a faulty flash card, erroneously instructed Trenton, NJ., sixth-grade student William Figueroa to spell "potato" as "potatoe" during a spelling bee.
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Today---------Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is 80, Rock musician Lee Dorman is 70, Singer Russell Hitchcock is 63 and Rock singer Steve Walsh is 61.
_________________________________________
June 15th is: Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day Of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, National Flip Flop Day, Work@Home Father's Day and World Elder Abuse Awareness Day.
_________________________________________
Quip for the day..........Doubt not your wife's wisdom.............look who she married.
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Larryj
Today's-----------got it.....
The farmer had worked hard to send his only son to college in the big city. After the first semester is completed, the son arrives home for a short visit. The farmer beams with pride.
"Well, son," he says, "you done gone to college, so you must be purty smart now. Why don't you talk some math or something. Show us what you know."
The son thinks for a moment, then says, "Pi R squared."
The father scowls and says, "Well, that sure was a waste of money if that's what they been teaching you. Everyone knows pies are round. Cornbread are squared!"
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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
In 1903, Ford Motor Co. was incorporated.
In 1911, IBM had its beginnings as the Computing-Tabulating-Recording Co. It was incorporated in New York State.
In 1962, The New Yorker published the first of a three-part serialization of "Silent Spring" by Rachel Carson.
In 1963, the world's first female space traveler, Valentina Tereshkova, was launched into orbit by the Soviet Union aboard Vostok 6.
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Today---------Actor Bill Cobbs is 77, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 74, Country singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 73, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Levert is 70, Actor Geoff Pierson is 63, Rhythm-and-blues singer James Smith (The Stylistics) is 62, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Roberto Duran is 61, Pop singer Gino Vannelli is 60 and Actress Joan Van Ark is 69.
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June 16th is: Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Ladies Day (Baseball), Recess At Work Day and World Juggling Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day.............I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through.
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Larryj
Today's-----------fathers then and now.........
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father showed his kids how do do stuff. Today, his kids show him how to work a computer, set up a VCR and program a picture phone.
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his family at the supper table. Today, everyone's off doing something else and there's a note: "Frozen pizza in the fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons had heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their son's ears and shout, "When you have a minute...."
In 1900, a father gave his kid a pencil box for his birthday, and the kid was all smiles. Today, he spends $800 at Toys R Us, and the kid yells: "I wanted an Xbox."
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In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British, who suffered heavy losses.
In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.
In 1942, the U.S. Army began publishing "Yank, the Army Weekly," featuring the debut of the cartoon character G.I. Joe.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon's eventual downfall began with the arrest of five burglars inside the Democratic national headquarters in Washington, D.C.'s Watergate complex.
In 1987, Charles Glass, a journalist on leave from ABC News, was kidnapped in Lebanon. (Glass escaped his captors in August 1987)
In 1992, President George H.W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed a breakthrough arms-reduction agreement.
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Today-------------Actor Peter Lupus is 80, Actor William Lucking is 71, Singer Barry Manilow is 69 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 61.
_______________________________________
June 17th is: Husband Caregiver Day, Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Stewart's Root Beer Day and World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought.
_______________________________________
Quip for the day............A father is someone you look up to, no matter how tall you are.
_______________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oh no!...........
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to attend the London Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.
The resourceful Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland, Discus," he announces and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smyth, England, Pole vault," he says. He is waved in.
The Irishman looks around and finds a roll of badly rusted barbed wire. He tucks it under his arm and proceeds to the gate.
He says, "O'Malley, Ireland, Fencing."
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In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the United States Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.
In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, NY., of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 election. (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)
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Today------Singer Sue Raney is 72, Movie critic Roger Ebert is 70, Actress Constance McCashin is 65, Actress Linda Thorson is 65, Rock musician John Evans (The Box Tops) is 64, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 60, Actress Carol Kane is 60 and Singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 70.
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June 18th is: Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles) and International Sushi Day.
________________________________________
Quip for the day..........Four out of five people think the fifth one is an idiot.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------hah.......
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. Having spent a lot of money for the tickets, they brought along their food to save on travel expenses.
About an hour into the trip, they got hungry and pulled a couple of oranges out of their travel bag. They started peeling them. Just then the train plunged into a long, dark tunnel.
After a moment, Ole asked Lars, "Have you eaten your orange yet?"
Lars replied, "No."
Ole said, "Well, don't touch it then. I just took a bite and went blind."
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In 1862, Congress passed, and President Abraham Lincoln signed, a measure abolishing slavery in U.S. territories.
In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all remaining slaves in Texas were free.
In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37, convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, NY.
In 1987, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Louisiana law requiring any public school teaching the theory of evolution to teach creation science as well.
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Today---------Actress Gena Rowlands is 82, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 70, Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi is 67, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 64 and Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 62.
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June 19th is: Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.
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Quip for the day.........Flying is very safe............it's crashing that is dangerous.
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Larryj
Today's------punny.........
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
At first I didn't like the idea of a beard. Then it grew on me.
You know why the cross-eyed teacher lost her job, don't you? She couldn't control her pupils.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Velcro---------what a ripoff!
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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States, featuring the emblem of the bald eagle.
In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state.
In 1947, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel was shot dead at the Beverly Hills mansion of his girlfriend, Virginia Hill, apparently at the order of mob associates.
In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)
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Today-----------Actress Olympia Dukakis is 81, Actor Martin Landau is 81, Actor Danny Aiello is 79, Movie director Stephen Frears is 71, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 70, Actor John McCook is 68, Singer Anne Murray is 67, TV personality Bob Vila is 66, Musician Andre Watts is 66, Actress Candy Clark is 65, Producer Tina Sinatra is 64, R&B singer Lionel Richie is 63 and Actor John Goodman is 60.
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June 20th is: American Eagle Day, World Refugee Day, Summer Solstice, National Daylight Appreciation Day and Ann & Samantha Day.
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Quip for the day.........Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter."
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Larryj
Today's--------and yet another one..........
I'm not sure if my doctor takes me seriously. I made an appointment and went to see him the other day. He asked me, "What seems to be the problem?"
I said, "Doc, I can't seem to get this one song out of my head."
He said, "OK, which song is it?"
I said, "Its "The Green Green Grass of Home."
He frowned, wrote something on his clipboard, then looked me in the eye and said, "It sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
I asked him, "Is that common?"
He said, "It's not unusual."
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In 1942, during World War II, an Imperial Japanese submarine fired shells at Fort Stevens on the Oregon coast, causing little damage.
In 1982, a jury in Washington, D.C., found John Hinckley Jr. not guilty by reason of insanity in the shootings of President Ronald Reagan and three other men.
In 1997, the WNBA made its debut as the New York Liberty defeated the host Los Angeles Sparks 67-57.
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Today-------Composer Lalo Schifrin is 80, Actor Bernie Kopell is 79, Actor Monte Markham is 77, Songwriter Don Black is 74, Actress Mariette Hartley is 72, Comedian Joe Flaharty is 71, Rock singer-musician Ray Davies is 68, Actress Meredith Baxter is 65, Actor Michael Gross is 65, Rock musician Joe Molland is 65, Rock musician Don Airey is 64, Country singer Leon Everette is 64, Rock musician Joey Kramer is 62 and Rock musician Nils Lofgren is 61.
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June 21st is: Atheists Solidarity Day, Go Skateboarding Day, Recess At Work Day, World Handshake Day and World Humanist Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day.............I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors wear masks.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------another take on a familiar joke.......
Two hikers are in the desert. One of them sits down near a mesquite bush to tie his boot laces. He is bitten on the buttocks by a rattlesnake. He goes pale.
His friend says, "Hang in there! I'll run to the nearest town and get a doctor."
He runs 10 miles to a tiny town where there's only one doctor. The doctor is in surgery, and can't leave, but he sends out his nurse with a message.
The nurse says, "The doctor wants you to go back to your friend, cut an X across the bite and suck out all the poison and spit it on the ground."
The hiker runs 10 miles back to his friend, who is fading fast. The sick man says, "What did the doctor say?"
His friend replies, "He said you're going to die."
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In 1937, Joe Louis began his reign as world heavyweight boxing champion by knocking out Jim Braddock in the eighth round of their fight in Chicago.
In 1938, Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling in the first round of their rematch at Yankee Stadium.
In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.
In 1987, actor-dancer Fred Astaire died in Los Angeles at age 88.
In 1992, the U.S. Supreme Court, in R.A.V. v. City of St. Paul, unanimously ruled that "hate crime" laws that ban cross burning and similar expressions of racial bias violated free-speech rights.
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Today---------Actor Ralph Waite is 84, Actor Michael Lerner is 71, Broadcast journalist Brit Hume is 69, Singer Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 68, Singer Howard "Eddie" Kaylan is 65, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 64, Actress Meryl Streep is 63, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 63, Singer Alan Osmond is 63 and Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 76.
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June 22nd is: Stupid Guy Thing Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.
____________________________________
Quip for the day.........The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.
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Larryj
Today's------oops........
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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In 1812, Britain, unaware that America had declared war against it five days earlier, rescinded its policy on neutral shipping, a major contention between the two countries. The same day, the British frigate HMS Belvidera came under attack for the USS President and the USS Congress in the North Atlantic; the Belvidera managed to escape.
In 1860, a congressional resolution authorized creation of the United States Government Printing Office, which opened the following year.
In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.
In 1938, the Civil Aeronautics Authority was established.
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Today--------Singer Diana Trask is 72, Musical director James Levine is 69, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons) is 68, Actor Ted Shackelford is 66, Actor Bryan Brown is 65, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 64 and Actor Jim Metzler is 61.
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June 23rd is: AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (23-24), Baby Boomer's Recognition Day, Great American Backyard Campout, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day (yard ornaments), Public Service Day and SAT Math Day.
__________________________________________________
Quip for the day...........Remember when we were young how we couldn't wait to grow up? Wow, were we stupid or what?
__________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------A beautiful Sunday.........
My pastor has a sarcastic streak. Let me give you an example.
Last week he stood up to the pulpit, raised both arms and welcomed the congregation. He smiled broadly and said, "Brothers and sisters, I have good news. We have enough money on hand to fund our entire building program for the year, with enough surplus to accomplish other great things!"
There was a loud murmur of approval as everyone in the congregation smiled and exchanged proud looks with one another.
But then the pastor scowled, and announced, "I have bad news, too. That money of which I spoke? It's still out there in your pockets."
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In 1807, a grand jury in Richmond, Virginia, indicted former Vice President Aaron Burr on charges of treason and high misdemeanor. (He was later acquitted.)
In 1948, Communist forces cut off all land and water routes between West Germany and West Berlin, prompting the Berlin Airlift.
In 1948, the Republican National Convention meeting in Philadelphia, nominated New York Gov. Thomas E. Dewey for president.
In 1975, 113 people were killed when an Eastern Airlines jet crashed while attempting to land during a thunderstorm at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.
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Today-----Actor Al Molinaro is 93, Comedian Jack Carter is 89, Actress Michele Lee is 70, Actor-director Georg Stanford Brown is 69, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 68, Singer Arthur Brown is 68, Rock singer Colin Blunstone (The Zombies) is 67, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 65, Actor-director-teacher Peter Weller is 65, Rock musician John Illsley (Dire Straits) is 63 and Actress Nancy Allen is 62.
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June 24th is: America's Kids Day, Descendants Day, Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day and Log Cabin Day.
_______________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Start every day with a smile............and get over it. Or, Let a smile be your umbrella and get a faceful of rain.
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Larryj
Today's-------------hah........
The poor guy didn't understand why he couldn't keep a job.
He got written up all the time for his bad attitude. His bosses always told him he didn't show respect. Then, sooner or later, the fired him.
His last job had ended like all the others. He was still sore about it. He had done nothing wrong.
He showed up at the office one day at 8:30. His boss yelled at him: "You should have been here at 8!"
He replied, very respectfully, "Why? What happened at 8?"
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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Big Horn in Montana.
In 1910, President William Howard Taft signed the White-Slave Traffic Act, more popularly known as the Mann Act, which made it illegal to transport women across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50 and actress Farah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.
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Today-----------Actress June Lockhart is 87, Rhythm-and-blues singer Eddie Floyd is 75, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 73, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 70, Singer Carly Simon is 67, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 65, Actor-director Michael Lembeck is 64, TV personality Phylllis George is 63 and Rock singer Tim Finn is 60.
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June 25th is: Color TV Day (CBS) and Please Take My Children To Work Day.
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Quip for the day........I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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Larryj
Today's--------hee.......
There's a waiter at my favorite restaurant and he's OK, I guess, but what a comedian!
Maybe he's just waiting tables until he gets his big break in standup comedy. I don't know.
The other night I asked about the specials and he said, "You should try the chicken."
I said, "Hmm, the chicken. How is it prepared?"
The waiter said, "Oh, we're very upfront about that. We tell the chicken right away that he's not going to make it."
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In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.
In 1948, the Berlin Airlift began in earnest after the Soviet Union cut off land and water routes to the isolated sector of Berlin.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he famously declared, "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner).
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush went back on his "no-new-taxes" campaign pledge, conceding that tax increases would have to be included in any deficit-reduction package worked out with congressional negotiators.
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Today------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 90, Jazz musician--film composer Dave Grusin is 78, Actor Josef Summer is 78, Singer Billy Davis Jr. is 72, Rock singer Georgie Fame is 69, Actor Clive Francis is 66, Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 66, Actor Michael Paul Chan is 62 and Actor Robert Davi is 61.
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June 26th is: International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture and National Columnists Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day........I cook with wine.......and sometimes I add it to the food.
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Larryj
Today's------------should have been more specific....
Barry and Beatrice, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching public television. They're watching a special about old couples making end-of-life decisions and preparations.
"Honey," Barry says, turning to his wife with a solemn expression, "I want you to promise me, if there ever comes a time when I am just propped up uselessly, dependent on some machine and feeding on bottled fluids, that you will put an end to it."
Beatrice looks Barry in the eyes, nods her head compassionately, and says, "I will, dear, I promise."
Then she stands up, turns off the TV, grabs the beer out of Barry's hand, walks to the kitchen and dumps it down the drain.
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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.
In 1893, the New York stock market crashed.
In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.
In 1972, the video-game company Atari Inc. was founded by Nolan Bushnell and Ted Dabney in Santa Clara, CA.
In 1977, the Supreme Court struck down state laws and bar association rules that prohibited lawyers from advertising their fees for routine services.
In 1985, the legendary Route 66, which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, passed into history as officials decertified the road.
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Today-------Business executive Ross Perot is 82, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt is 74, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 70, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 63 and Actress Julia Duffy is 61.
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June 27th is: Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day and National HIV Testing Day.
______________________________________________
Quip for the day............Men say women should come with instructions. What's the point? They don't read them anyway.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------oopsies............
A photographer for one of the big East Coast newspapers races to the airport to catch a small plane for a job. He arrives at the appointed gate, gets waved through, and hops aboard the first plane he sees there.
"Hit it," he says.
The pilot takes off, then asks, "Where are we going?"
Photographer says, "South."
Awhile later they see signs of a massive weather system straight ahead. The plane starts rocking. The pilot says, "You know there's a hurricane over Florida."
Photographer says, "That's where we're going. I have to shoot pictures for the paper."
After a long pause, the pilot says, with a shaky voice, "You mean you're not my flight instructor?"
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In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip -- the event which sparked World War I.
In 1919, the Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I.
In 1978, the Supreme Court ordered the University of California-Davis Medical School to admit Allan Bakke, a white man who argued he'd been a victim of reverse racial discrimination.
In 2000, seven months after he was cast adrift in the Florida Straits, Elian Gonzalez was returned to his native Cuba.
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Today---------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 86, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 75, Rock musician Dave Knights is 67, Actor Bruce Davison is 66 and Actress Kathy Bates is 64.
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June 28th is: National Bomb Pop Day and National Handshake Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day...........Stewardess announcement: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this plane."
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------from David Letterman.......
WHY WE SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE AMERICANS...........
The complimentary TSA groping.
Other countries don't have one Dakota......we have two.
Land of the free, home of the fattest people on Earth.
All the best extreme couponers live here.
Our presidents were born in America.........or possibly Kenya.
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In 1972, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Furman v. Georgia, Jackson v. Georgia and Branch v. Texas, struck down a trio of death sentences, saying the way they had been imposed constituted cruel and unusual punishment. (The ruling prompted states to effectively impose a moratorium on executions until their capital punishment laws could be revised.)
In 1988, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Morrison v. Olson, upheld the independent counsel law in a 7-1 decision (the sole dissenter was Justice Antonin Scalia.)
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Today-------------Movie producer Robert Evans is 82, Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 72, Actor Gary Busey is 68, Comedian Richard Lewis is 65, Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 64 and Rock musician Ian Palce (Deep Purple) is 64.
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June 29th is: Camera Day, Remote Control Day, Spare Us The Details Day and Waffle Iron Day.
______________________________________________
Quip for the day..........In America anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------------yep.........
A visitor from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and said, "You know, our flag is red, white and blue, like yours."
The American smiled and replied, "Yes, that's right."
The Dutchman then said, joking, "You might not know it, but our flag symbolizes our tax system."
The American said, "How do you mean?"
The Dutchman replied, "We get red when we talk about taxes. We get white when we get our tax bills. And then we're blue after we pay them."
The American laughed and replied, "That's the same with us. Only we see stars, too!"
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In 1859, French acrobat Charles Blondin walked back and forth on a tightrope above the gorge of Niagara Falls before thousands of spectators.
In 1936, the epic Civil War novel "Gone With The Wind" by Margaret Mitchell was first published by the Macmillan Co. in New York.
In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a 64-20 vote.
In 1985, 39 American hostages from a hijacked TWA jetliner were freed in Beirut after being held for 17 days.
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Today-------Actor Tony Musante is 76, Actress Nancy Dessault is 76, Singer Glenn Shorrock is 68, Jazz musician Stanley Clarke is 61 and Actor David Garrison is 60.
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June 30th is: Leap Second Time Adjustment Day, NOW (National Organization for Women) Day and Tour De France.
__________________________________________
Quip for the day........Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----old Fourth of July Q&A.......
Q: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face and the other has his face on a bill.
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?
A: On the Bottom.
Q: Why is the Liberty Bell funny?
A: It's a real crack-up.
Q: What did King George think of the American colonists?
A: He thought they were revolting.
Q: Do they have a 4th of July in England?
A: Yes, it is between the 3rd and the 5th.
(groan)
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In 1863, the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.
In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.
In 1961, Diana, the princess of Wales, was born in Sandringham, England. (She died in a 1997 car crash in Paris at age 36.
In 1972, the rock musical "Hair" closed on Broadway.
In 1991, President George H.W. Bush nominated federal appeals court judge Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, beginning an ultimately successful confirmation process marked by allegations of sexual harassment.
In 1991, actor Michael Landon, 54, died in Malibu, CA.
In 2004, actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.
______________________________________________
Today-----------Actress Olivia de Havilland is 96, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 81, Actress Jean Marsh is 78, Actor Jamie Farr is 78, Bluesman James Cotton is 77, Cookiemaker Wally Amos is 76, Actress Karen Black is 73, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 70, Rock singer-actress Deborah Harry is 67, Actor Daryl Anderson is 61, Actor Trevor Eve is 61, Actor Terrence Mann is 61, Rock singer Fred Schneider is 61, Pop singer Victor Willis is 61 and Actor-comedian Dan Aykroyd is 60.
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July 1st is: Canada Day, International Chicken Wing Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day, Zip Code Day and Roswell UFO Days (1-3).
______________________________________________
Quip for the day............Money isn't everything. There's credit cards.......money orders...........traveler's checks........
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------hah.........
The three turtles finally arrived at the park for their big Fourth of July picnic. They started spreading out the stuff they had brought.
"Oh, no!" Burt exclaimed. "We forgot the salad!"
"What are we going to do?" Bart cried.
"I'll go back and get it, but don't start eating before I get back," Bret said.
The other two promised, so Bret took off. Day turned into night, and night passed. Another day came and went. Then the weekend. A whole week passed. And then a month.
Finally, Burt said, "I'm too hungry to wait any longer."
Bart agreed, "Let's eat," he said.
They started eating. Bret popped up from behind a nearby rock and said, "Aha! If you're going to start eating without me, I'm not going to go!"
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In 1862, during the Civil War, Confederate forces led by Gen. Robert E. Lee withdrew to Richmond, VA., after driving back Union Maj. Gen. George B. McClellan's troops.
In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.
In 1961, author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.
In 1962, the first Walmart store (called "Wal-Mart Discount City") was opened in Rogers, Arkansas, by Sam Walton and his brother, James.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.
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Today--------Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 82, Actor Robert Ito is 81, Actress Polly Holliday is 75, Former White House chief of staff John H. Sununu is 73, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 65, Rock musician Roy Bittan (Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band) is 63 and Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 65.
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July 2nd is: I Forgot Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.
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Quip for the day......I think if I had a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day. I think this until about lunchtime.
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Larryj
Today's-------------that's it!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederate troops retreated.
In 1971, singer Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.
In 1979, Dan White, convicted of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting deaths of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, was sentenced to 7 years and 8 months in prison. (He ended up serving 5 years.)
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Today-------Actor Tim O'Conner is 85, Singer Fontella Bass is 72, Attorney Gloria Allred is 71, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 69, Actor Michael Cole (The Mod Squad) is 67, Country singer Johnny Lee is 66, Humorist Dave Barry is 65 and Actress Betty Buckley is 65.
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July 3rd is: Compliment Your Mirror Day and Stay Out Of The Sun Day.
(Sadly, it was announced today that Actor Andy Griffith has passed away at age 86.)
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Quip for the day...........Everybody has beauty......just not everybody can see it.
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Larryj
Today's--------Happy Independence Day.......
More Fourth of July Q&A........
Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Q: What were Fourth of July picnics like before refrigeration?
A: The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!
Q: Why did the British wear red coats?
A: So they could hide in the tomatoes!
Q: What would Patrick Henry have said if he had been Italian?
A: "Give me lasagna or give me death!"
Q: What's even more wonderful than the freedom of speech?
A: The freedom not to listen.
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.
In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, New York.
In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.
In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
In 1982, the space shuttle Columbia concluded its fourth and final test flight with a smooth landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today------------Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 94, Actress Eva Marie Saint is 88, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 85, Playwright Neil Simon is 85, Actor Ed Bernard is 73, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 72, Broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera is 69 and R&B musician Ralph Johnson is 61.
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July 4th is: Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day and Indivisible Day.
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Quip for the day............The older I get the better I was.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah............
After lunch at her favorite cafe, El Garlique, Grandma visits the sporting goods store to find a birthday gift for her grandson. She selects a rod and reel, takes it up front and asks the clerk, "What can you tell me about this?"
He says, "I'm completely blind, but let me feel it and I can tell you everything."
She hands it to him. He says, "Yes, that's the Spearcaster rod with a Dyco reel. It's on sale for $20."
Impressed, she drops a credit card on the counter. "Ah, sounds like American Express!" the clerk says. He starts to ring her up.
Grandma starts to compliment the clerk on his amazing ability, but she accidentally belches, loudly. She blushes in stunned silence.
The clerk says, "OK, that comes to $34.50 plus tax. Sign here, please."
Grandma says, "$34.50? I thought you said $20!"
The clerk replies, "Yes, the rod and reel are $20. But the duck call is $3.50 and the bear repellent is $11."
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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.
In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Beard, was worn by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.
In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon certified the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which lowered the minimum voting age from 21 to 18.
In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title as he defeated Jimmy Connors.
In 2002, Baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams died in Citrus County, Florida, at age 83.
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Today------------Actress Katherine Helmond is 83, Actress Shirley Knight is 76, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 64, Rock Star Huey Lewis is 62, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rich "Goose" Gossage is 61, Country musician Charles Ventre is 60 and Singer musician Robbie Robertson is 69.
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July 5th is: Earth at Aphelion and Bikini Day.
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Quip for the day..........Golf is what you play when you are too out of shape to play softball.
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Larryj
Today's----------funny.......
After putting the grandchildren to bed, Grandma changed into shorts and an old droopy shirt and proceeded to wash and dye her hair at the bathroom sink.
As she heard the grandkids getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. When she heard the sound of a lamp toppling and breaking, she decided enough was enough. She wrapped a towel around her head and stormed into their room.
"Get back in bed this instant and don't make another sound until morning!" she commanded.
The children scrambled into their beds and threw the covers over their heads.
As Grandma returned to the bathroom, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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In 1933, the first All-Star baseball game was played at Chicago's Comiskey Park; the American League defeated the National League, 4-2.
In 1942, Anne Frank, her parents and sister entered a "secret annex" in an Amsterdam building where they were later joined by four other people; they hid from Nazi occupiers for two years before being betrayed and arrested.
In 1957, Althea Gibson became the first black tennis player to win a Wimbledon singles title as she defeated fellow American Darlene Hard, 6-3, 6-2.
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Today-------Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 91, Actor William Schallert is 90, Singer-actress Della Reese is 81, Actor Ned Beatty is 75, Country singer Jeannie Seely is 72, Actor Burt Ward is 67, Former President George W. Bush is 66, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 66, Actor Fred Dryer is 66, Actress Shelley Hack is 65, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 61, Actress Allyce Beasley is 61, Rock musician John Bazz is 60 and The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet is 77.
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July 6th is: International Chicken Wing Society Cook-Off Day (6-8), World Kiss Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.
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Quip for the day........The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
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Larryj
Today's----------funny.....
Did you hear about the idiot at the gas station who caught his shirt on fire?
He was filling his gas tank and decided to have a cigarette.
Idiot.
Sure enough, he's standing there smoking, and pumping gas, and he starts the sleeve of his shirt on fire. It caused a real scene.
Idiot.
Fortunately, he wasn't badly injured. But the cops came and arrested him.
The charge? Waving a fire arm.
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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.
In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1898, the United States annexed Hawaii.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1987, Lt. Col. Oliver North began his long-awaited public testimony at the Iran-Contra hearing, telling Congress that he had "never carried out a single act, not one," without authorization.
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Today-----------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 85, Pulitzer Prize-winning author David McCullough is 79, Singer-musician Warren Entner is 69, Rock musician Jim Rodford is 67, Actor Joe Spano is 66, Pop singer David Hodo is 65, Country singer Linda Williams is 65, Actress Shelley Duvall is 63, Actress Roz Ryan is 61 and Rock musician Ringo Starr is 72.
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July 7th is: Carver Day, Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Day, Global Forgiveness Day, Hop A Park Day, International Cherry Pit Spitting Day, International Day Of Cooperatives and Tell The Truth Day.
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Quip for the day........Why do they sell cigarettes at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
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Larryj
Today's--------oops.......
There was a man who walked to work each day and he always would stop at a clockmaker's shop and synchronize his watch with the clock in the window there.
The curious clockmaker stopped the man one day and asked him what kind of work he did. The man said he worked as superintendent at the nearby factory, and one of his tasks was to keep the facility's clocks running on time. His own watch was faulty, so he adjusted it each day to match the clockmaker's clock.
Hearing this, the clockmaker laughed and said, "I hate to tell you this, but this clock doesn't work very well either. I adjust it each day to match the 4 p.m. bell at the factory!"
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In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia.
In 1889, The Wall Street Journal was first published.
In 1907, Florenz Ziegfield staged his first "Follies" on the roof of the New York Theater.
In 1962, the United States conducted Starfish Prime, a nuclear test in which a 1.44 megaton warhead was detonated 250 miles above the Pacific Ocean; the resulting electromagnetic pulse caused limited electrical disruptions in parts of Hawaii.
In 2007, Roger Federer won his fifth straight Wimbledon championship, beating Rafael Nadal.
In 2011, Atlantis thundered into orbit on a cargo run that would close out the three-decade U.S. space shuttle program.
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Today--------Singer Jerry Vale is 80, Singer Steve Lawrence is 77, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 68, Actress Kim Darby is 65, Children's performer Raffi is 64, Actress Anjelica Huston is 61 and Writer Anna Quindlen is 60.
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July 8th is: Math 2.0 Day and SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama.)
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Quip for the day.......I'd like mornings if they started later.
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Larryj
Today's-----a Queen's riddle.......
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.
In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term. (He was succeeded by Millard Fillmore.)
In 1918, The Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman asked Congress to formally end the state of war between the United States and Germany. (An official end to the state of war was declared in Octorber 1951.)
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Today------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 85, Actor Brian Dennehy is 74, Actor Richard Roundtree is 70, Author Dean Koontz is 67, Actor Chris Cooper is 61 and TV personality John Tesh is 60.
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July 9th is: International Town Criers Day.
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Quip for the day...........You can do more with a kind word and a gun that just with a kind word.
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Larryj
Today's-----sounds like Jarhead...........
The captain prepared his men for battle. "We're outnumbered six to one," he told them. "Fight hard, and fight to win."
The men ran down the hill and engaged the enemy. The battle raged. Soon one of the soldiers returned to camp, whistling. He made himself comfortable and poured himself a drink.
The captain ran out of his tent and cried, "What are you doing back here? Didn't you hear me say we're outnumbered six to one?"
"Don't worry," the soldier said, patting his rifle proudly. "I got my six."
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In 1961, Mildred E. Gillars, also known as "Axis Sally," was paroled from a federal prison in West Virginia after serving 11 years for treason for her propaganda broadcasts from Nazi Germany during World War II.
In 1985, bowing to pressure from irate customers, the Coca-Cola Co. said it would resume selling old-formula Coke, while continuing to sell New Coke.
In 1991, President George H.W. Bush lifted economic sanctions against South Africa.
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Today------Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 91, Writer-producer Earl Hamner is 89, Former New York City Mayor David N. Dinkins is 85, Actor William Smithers is 85, Actor Lawrence Pressman is 73, Singer Mavis Staples is 73, Actor Robert Pine is 71, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Virginia Wade is 67, Actor Ron Glass is 67, Actress Sue Lyon is 66 and Singer Arlo Guthrie is 65.
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July 10th is: Don't Step On A Bee Day, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.
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Quip for the day........One of the purposes of the big toe is to find furniture in the dark.
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Larryj
Today's---------Bob Hope......
The late great comedian and actor Bob Hope, who died in 2003 at the age of 100, once reflected on the milestones of old age.
ON TURNING 70: "I still chase women, but it's only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
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In 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.
In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.
In 1922, the Hollywood Bowl officially opened with a program called "Symphonies Under the Stars" with Alfred Hertz conducting the Los Angeles Philharmonic.
In 1937, American composer and pianist George Gershwin died at a Los Angeles hospital of a brain tumor; he was 38.
In 1979, the abandoned U.S. space station Skylab made a spectacular return to Earth, burning up in the atmosphere and showering debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia.
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Today-------Actor Tab Hunter is 81, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 69, Singer Jeff Hanna is 65, Ventriloquist-actor Jay Johnson is 63, Actor Bruce McGill is 62, Singer Bonnie Pointer is 62 and Actor Stephen Lang is 60.
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July 11th is: Bowdlers Day, Day Of The Five Billion, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Slurpee Day, National Rainier Cherries Day and World Population Day.
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Quip for the day.............They say: You don't know what you've got until you lose it.
Truth: You knew exactly what you had; you just thought you'd never lose it.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.......
The big passenger jet was in trouble and the pilot had to land quickly. He headed to the nearest airport and made a perfect landing.
However, it was a small airport, and the plane went off the end of the runway, through a fence, over a highway, through another fence, across a cornfield and ended up at the front door of a farmhouse.
The old farmer ran out exclaiming, "Wow! When I made my reservation I certainly didn't expect service like this!"
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.
In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing for a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states. (It was declared ratified in February 1913.)
In 1962, The Rolling Stones played their first-ever gig at The Marquee in London.
In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen U.S. Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to fun for vice president for a major party.
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Today------Movie director Monte Hellman is 83, Pianist Van Cliburn is 78, Comedian Bill Cosby is 75, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 69, Actress Denise Nicholas is 68, Singer-songwriter Butch Hancock is 67, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 64, Actor Jay Thomas is 64 and Actress Cheryl Ladd is 61.
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July 12th is: Simplicity Day.
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Quip for the day.............Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
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Larryj
Today's------------Caution! GROANER!........
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and onward west to Yellowstone.
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged with no sign of the missing men.
They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had
eaten the scientist because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
(Here it comes.......)
The other ranger responded, "Of course, the Czech is in the male."
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In 1923, a sign consisting of 50-foot-tall letters spelling out "HOLLYWOODLAND" was dedicated in the Hollywood Hills to promote a subdivision of Los Angeles. (The last four letters were removed in 1949.)
In 1939, Frank Sinatra made his first commercial recording, "From the Bottom of My Heart" and "Melancholy Mood," with Harry James and his Orchestra for the Brunswick label.
In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles.
In 1977, a blackout lasting 25 hours hit the New York City area.
In 1985, "Live Aid," an international rock concert in London, Philadelphia, Moscow and Sidney, took place to raise money for Africa's starving people.
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Today------Actor Patrick Stewart is 72, Actor Robert Forster is 71, Actor Harrison Ford is 70, Singer-guitarist Roger McGuinn (The Byrds) is 70, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 66, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 64 and Actress Didi Conn is 61.
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July 13th is: Chick-fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Collecter Car Appreciation Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Worker's Day and National French Fries Day.
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Quip for the day..........Her kisses left something to be desired..........the rest of her.
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Larryj
Today's----------old, still funny........
I went fishing one morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little in his mouth. His eyes rolled back, and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.
A little while later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Ft. Sumner, NM.
In 1911, Harry N. Atwood became the first pilot to land an airplane (a Wright Model B biplane) on the grounds of the White House after flying in from Boston; he was greeted by President William Howard Taft.
In 1912, American folk singer-songwriter Woody Guthrie ("This Land Is Your Land") was born in Okeman, OK.
In 1966, eight student nurses were murdered by Richard Speck in a Chicago dormitory.
In 1972, the State Department criticized actress Jane Fonda for making anti-war radio broadcasts in Hanoi, calling them "distressing."
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Today-------Actor Dale Robertson is 89, Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 86, Actress Nancy Olson is 84, Actress Polly Bergen is 82, Former football player and actor Rosey Grier is 80, Actor Vincent Pastore is 66, Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 63, Rock musician Chris Cross is 60, Actor Jerry Houser is 60, Actor-director Eric Laneuville is 60 and Actor Stan Shaw is 60.
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July 14th is: Bald In-Bald Out Day, Grange Day and International Nude Day.
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Quip for the day..........The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.
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Larryj
Today's--------oh no!......
Mom was off running errands. Dad was relaxing on the couch. Little Susie, just three years old, brought him a 'cup of tea' in a toy tea cup.
It was just water, but Dad made a big show of enjoying the "tea" very much.
Delighted, she brought him several more, one after the other. He drank each one and showered her with praise.
When Mom came home, Dad said to her, "I want you to see the cutest thing." Then he called out to his daughter, "Susie, bring your mother and me a cup of your delicious tea."
Susie obliged and brought out two of the toy tea cups. Dad drank his with great relish. "Ahhhh," he said, smacking his lips.
Mom didn't drink hers. She said, "Honey, did it occur to you that the only place Susie can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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In 1916, Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.
In 1932, President Herbert Hoover announced he was slashing his own salary by 20 percent, from $75,000 to $60,000 a year; he also cut Cabinet members' salaries by 15 percent from $15,000 to $12,750 a year.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman was nominated for another term of office by the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.
In 1976, a 36-hour kidnap ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, CA, by three gunmen and imprisioned in an underground cell. (The captives escaped unharmed.)
In 2007, the Philadelphia Phillies lost their 10,000th game, 10-2, to the visiting St. Louis Cardinals.
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Today------Author Clive Cussler is 81, Actor Alex Karas is 77, Actor Ken Kercheval is 77, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 68, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 66 and Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 64.
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July 15th is: Be A Dork Day, Gummi Worm Day and National Ice Cream Day.
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Quip for the day.........Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah..........
A man drove his car into a ditch on a country lane. He hailed a farmer passing by with a horse.
"Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" the motorist pleaded.
"Buddy's a big, strong horse," the farmer replied. "We'll see." He hitched Buddy up to the car, then said, "Pull, Samson, pull!"
Buddy didn't budge.
The farmer cried, "Pull, Hercules, pull!"
Nothing.
Finally, the farmer yelled, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
The horse effortlessly pulled the man's car out of the ditch. The driver was grateful, but mystified. "Why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"
"Well, you see," the farmer replied, "Buddy is blind, lazy and a bit stupid. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became Washington, D.C.
In 1935, the first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City.
In 1945, the United States exploded its first atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, NM.
In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
In 1973, during the Senate Watergate hearings, former White House aide Alexander P. Butterfield publicly revealed the existence of President Richard M. Nixon's secret taping system.
In 1981, singer Harry Chapin was killed when his car was struck by a tractor-trailer on New York's Long Island Expressway.
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Today-----------Former Attorney General Dick Thornburgh is 80, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 78, Soul singer William Bell is 73, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 70, Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 64 and Rock composer-musician Stewart Copeland is 60.
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July 16th is: National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day and Global Hug Your Kid Day.
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Quip for the day............SMILE! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. :-*
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Larryj
Today's-------------labeled as a true story......or as my nephew would say......"They walk among us".....
A few months after my husband died, I was trying to set up an appointment for myself to get a new pair of reading glasses.
I called the eye doctor and a day was arranged. I am diabetic, so the lady on the phone insisted that I must have the eye dilation exam first and then the refraction exam. I was instructed to have my husband drive me to the office and back, because the dilation interferes with safe driving.
I explained that this would be impossible, as my husband had died recently.
After a long pause, and much shuffling of paper, she asked, "Maybe he could bring you in on another day?"
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In 1944, during World War II, 320 men, two-thirds of them African-Americans, were killed when a pair of ammunition ships exploded at the Port Chicago Naval Magazine in California.
In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.
In 1987, the science-fiction film, "RoboCop" was released by Orion Pictures.
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Today-------Comedian Phyllis Diller is 95, Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 87, Actor Donald Sutherland is 77, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 77, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 70, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 63, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 61, Rock musician Fran Smith Jr. (The Hooters) is 60 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 60.
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July 17th is: Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.
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Quip for the day..........I don't suffer from insanity.......I enjoy every minute of it.
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Larryj
Today's-----------yep........
A cop responds to an accident scene. A very elderly lady has driven her car up over the curb, through a hedge and onto the lawn of an industrial park.
After determining that she is OK, the cop says, "Ma'am, do you have a driver's license?"
The old lady says, "No, I don't. The doctor told me I can drive without one."
The cop says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but a doctor wouldn't tell you that."
The old lady insisted, "Yes, he did. The last time I had my eyes checked, he asked to see my driver's license, then he cut it up with scissors and threw it in the trash. He said to me, 'You won't be needing this anymore.' Those were his exact words."
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In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.
In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned.
In 1976, at the Montreal Olympics, Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci received the first-ever perfect score of 10 with her routine on uneven parallel bars. (Comaneci would go on to receive six more 10s at Montreal.)
In 1984, James Huberty opened fire at a McDonald's in San Ysidro, killing 21 people before being shot dead by police.
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Today-------Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 91, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 83, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 74, Singer Dion DiMucci is 73, Actor James Brolin is 72, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 72, Singer Martha Reeves is 71, Blues guitarist Lonnie Mack is 71, Pop-rock musician Wally Bryson is 63, Country-rock singer Craig Fuller is 63 and Former South African President Nelson Mandella is 94.
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July 18th is: International Mandella Day.
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Quip for the day.............Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.
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Larryj
Today's------------payback is a ............
A woman was brought before the judge. She told him she wished to challenge a ticket she had received for running a red light. She said, "I'm a schoolteacher, and I must be at school on time. My students depend on me."
A wicked gleam came into the judge's eye. He said, "I've been waiting for a long time for a schoolteacher to come before me. In fact, this is the realization of a lifelong dream."
The teacher said, nervously, "Whatever do you mean?"
The judge replied, "I'm going to have the bailiff bring in a chalkboard and chalk. I want you to write 'I WILL NOT RUN RED LIGHTS' on the chalkboard. I want you to write it 500 times."
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In 1812, during the War of 1812, the First Battle of Sackets Harbor in Lake Ontario resulted in an American victory as U.S. naval forces repelled a British attack.
In 1969, Apollo 11 and its astronauts Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Adrin and Michael Collins, went into orbit around the moon.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush joined former presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald R. Ford and Richard M. Nixon at ceremonies dedicating the Nixon Library and Birthplace (since redesignated the Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum) in Yorba Linda, CA.
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Today------Former Sen. George McGovern, D-S.D., is 90, Actress Helen Gallagher is 86, Country singer Sue Thompson is 86, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 75, Singer Vikki Carr is 72, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 68, Actor George Dzundza is 67, Rock musician Alan Gorrie (Average White Band) is 66, Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 65, Rock musician Bernie Leadon (Eagles; Flying Burrito Brothers) is 65, Actress Beverly Archer is 64 and Movie director Abel Ferrara is 61.
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July 19th is: Flitch Day and Get To Know Your Customers Day.
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Quip for the day..............99% of lawyer give the rest a bad name.
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Larryj
Since our anniversary is on Monday, this year I think we really could take home the bacon! ;) ;D
@Diane, I think this celebration is limited to those who have been married one year and one day..........but enjoy and Happy Anniversary!
Today's..............A woman in South Carolina is driving along when she gets a flat tire. She pulls off to the side of the road and starts collecting wildflowers. She puts one large bunch on the ground in front of her car, and another bunch in back.
Soon, a car approaches, slows down, and pulls over. The Good Samaritan gets out and says, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I have a flat tahr," the lady says.
"I can help you with that. But what's with the bouquets?"
"Well, when you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back, so that's what I did!"
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In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, VA.
In 1942, the first detachment of the Women's Army Auxillary Corps --WACS-- began basic training at Fort Des Moines, Iowa.
In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the surface in their Apollo 11 lunar module.
In 1976, America's Viking 1 robot spacecraft made a successful first-ever landing on Mars.
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Today----------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 82, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef is 77, Actress Diana Rigg is 74, Rock musician John Lodge is 69, Country singer T.G. Sheppard is 68, Singer Kim Carnes is 67 and Rock Musician Carlos Santana is 65.
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July 20th is: Moon Day, National Lollipop Day and Ramadan.
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Quip for the day.........If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
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Larryj
Today's---------entitled "Summer is so hot......."
The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The people at the picnic had to drink the ice cream.
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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, VA., resulting in a Confederate victory.
In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tenn., with John T. Scopes convicted of violating state law for teaching Darwins's Theory of Evolution. (The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.)
In 1930, President Herbert Hoover signed an executive order establishing the Veteran's Administration (later the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.)
In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts blasted off from the moon aboard the ascent stage of the lunar module for docking with the command module.
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Today--------------Singer Kay Starr is 90, Movie director Norman Jewison is 86, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 74, Actress Patricia Elliot is 70, Actor Edward Herrmann is 69, Actor Leigh Lawson is 67, Actor Art Hindle is 64, Singer Yusuf Islam (Formerly Cat Stevens) is 64, Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 64 and Comedian-actor Robin Williams is 61.
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July 21st is: Celebration of the Horse Day (21-22), National Hot Dog Day, Toss Away The "Could Haves" And "Should Haves" Day, Woodie Wagon Day and Legal Drinking Age Day.
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Quip for the day.......Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
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Larryj
Today's-------------another beautiful Sunday......
REAL CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS.........
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Shall Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."
"The Low Self-Esteem Support Group meets Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door."
"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon supplied by the Rev. J.F. Stubbs."
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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.
In 1893, Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates visited the summit of Pikes Peak, where she was inspired to write the original version of her poem "America the Beautiful."
In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.
In 1942, gasoline rationing involving the use of coupons began along the Atlantic seaboard.
In 1962, Mariner 1, NASA's first attempt at sending a spacecraft to Venus, was destroyed shortly after launch because of faulty steering.
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Today------Opera singer Licia Albanese is 99, Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 89, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 84, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 80, Actress Louise Fletcher is 78, R&B singer Chuck Jackson is 75, Actor Terence Stamp is 74, Game show host Alex Trebek is 72, Singer-songwriter-bandleader-producer George Clinton is 71, Actor-singer Bobby Sherman is 69, Movie writer-director Paul Schrader is 66, Actor Danny Glover is 66, Singer Mireille Mathieu is 66, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 65 and Rock singer Don Henley is 65.
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July 22nd is: Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Parent's Day, Rat Catcher's Day and Spooners (Spoonerisms) Day.
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Quip for the day......Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end you get, the faster it goes.
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Larryj
I love any kind of word play. Years ago my girlfriend Judy was setting her table for company and I was helping her. She asked me to get out the seaford fooks since we were having shrimp cocktails. My sister often served post rot and was afraid of the lunder and thightning. Some actually work ...write typers and flutter bys. Such fun!
Today's--------oldie but goodie......
An American tourist in London had spent a bit too much time in the pub before boarding one of the city's double-decker buses. The driver got one whiff of him and suggested, "Why don't you find a seat upstairs and enjoy the fresh air?"
The American complied, but soon climbed back down and looked for a downstairs seat.
"What's the matter?" the driver asked. "Didn't you like the view?"
The American said, "Ish great. But ish not safe up there. There'sh no driver!"
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In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, NY, at age 63.
In 1942, Harry James and his Orchestra recorded "I Had the Craziest Dream" in Hollywood for Columbia Records.
In 1962, the first public TV transmissions over Telstar 1 took place during a special program featuring live shots beamed from the United States to Europe, and vice versa.
In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors, 7-year-old Myca Dinh Le and 6-year-old Renee Shin-Yi Chen, were killed when a helicopter crashed on top of them during filming of a Vietnam War scene for "Twilight Zone: The Movie." (Director John Landis and four associates were later acquitted of manslaughter charges.)
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Today-------Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 76, Actor Ronny Cox is 74, Radio personality Don Imus is 72, Country singer Tony Joe White is 69, Rock singer David Essex is 65, Rock musician Blair Thornton (Bachman Turner Overdrive) is 62 and Actress Edie McClurg is 61.
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July 23rd is: Gorgeous Grandma Day and (appropriately enough) Hot Enough For Ya Day.
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Quip for the day...........WARNING! The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah....
Pastor Nigel Ramsey of London was driving in Ireland when he was rear-ended by the local parish priest, Father Seamus O'Rourke. It was a minor fender-bender, and no one was hurt.
The two men parked off the road and exchanged information. Just then, Patrolman Rory Mulroney pulled up behind them. He studied the two cars, then took notes from the English clergyman, then turned to the Irish priest and said, "Tell me, Father O'Rourke, how fast do you estimate this fellow was going when he backed into you?"
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In 1847, Mormon leader Brigham Young and his followers arrived in the Great Salt Lake Valley in present-day Utah.
In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.
In 1911, Yale University history professor Hiram Bingham III found the "Lost City of the Incas," Machu Picchu in Peru.
In 1969, the Apollo 11 astronauts -- two of whom had been the first men to set foot on the moon -- splashed down safely in the Pacific.
In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.
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Today------Actress Jacqueline Brookes is 82, Actor John Aniston (TV: "Days of Our Lives") is 79, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 77, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 76, Actor Mark Goddard is 76, Actor Chris Sarandon is 70, Comedian Gallagher is 66, Actor Robert Hays is 65, Actor Michael Richards is 63, Actress Lynda Carter is 61 and Movie director Gus Van Sant is 60.
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July 24th is: Church of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day or Mormon Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day, National Tequila Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.
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Quip for the day............Having one child makes you a parent.....having two makes you a referee.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops.........
If my cat Willie does not come in before dark, I go in the backyard and call out, "Willie! Willie! Come on, sweetheart. It's time to go night-night! Willie!"
Apparently my voice carries.
One morning a man came to my door. He said he had a favor to ask me. It would help him keep the peace in his family. He explained. His wife was quite upset about something.
I said, "Yes?"
He said, "I live two doors over. My name is Willie."
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In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold the rank.
In 1952, Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the United States.
In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, NC, that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.
In 1972, the notorious Tuskegee syphilis experiment came to light as the The Associated Press reported that for the previous four decades, the U.S. Public Health Service, in conjunction with the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, had been allowing poor, rural black male patients with syphilis to go without treatment, even allowing them to die, as a way of studying the disease.
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Today---------Actress Barbara Harris is 77, Rock musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 69 and Rock musician Verdine White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 61.
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July 25th is: Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day and Thread The Needle Day.
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Quip for the day.......I can rise and shine..........just not at the same time.
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Larryj
Today's--------old, and another oops........
Marvin was sick in the hospital. His pastor joins a group of family members already in the room. Marvin struggles to say something, but can't. In fact, his condition seems to deteriorate rapidly. He makes frantic writing motions. A nurse hands him pen and paper. He scrawls something on the paper, folds it, hands it to the pastor, then promptly dies.
Shocked, everyone turns to the pastor. What were Marvin's last words?
The pastor unfolds the note and reads aloud: "You're standing on my oxygen hose!"
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In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first postmaster general.
In 1908, U.S. Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte ordered creation of a force of special agents that was a forerunner of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which established the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense.)
In 1971, Apollo 15 was launched from Cape Kennedy on America's fourth manned mission to the moon.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act.
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Today------Actress Marjorie Lord is 94, Actor James Best is 86, Actress-singer Darlene Love is 71, Singer Brenton Wood is 71, Rock star Mick Jagger is 69, Movie director Peter Hyams is 69, Actress Helen Mirren is 67, Rock musician Roger Taylor is 63 and Actress Susan George is 62.
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July 26th is: National Chili Dog Day and One Voice.
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Quip for the day.......I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
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Larryj
Today's----good one....
A lot of songs from the 1960s should be updated and retitled for aging baby boomers. For example:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker."
The Beatles: "(I Get By) With a Little Help from Depends."
Robert Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face."
Paul Simon: "(There Must be) 50 Ways to Lose Your Liver."
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping."
Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore."
Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure (and I'll Cry If I Want To)."
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In 1909, during the first official test of the U.S. Army's first airplane, Orville Wright flew himself and a passenger, Lt. Frank Lahm, above Fort Myer, VA., for one hour and 12 minutes.
In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.
In 1981, 6-year-old Adam Walsh was abducted from a department store in Hollywood, Florida, and was later murdered. (His father, John Walsh, became a well-known crime victims advocate.)
In 1996, terror struck the Atlanta Olympics as a pipe bomb exploded at Centennial Olympic Park, directly killing one person and injuring 111. (Anti-goverment extremist Eric Rudolph later pleading guilty to the bombing.)
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Today------------TV producer Norman Lear is 90, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 81, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 73, Actor John Pleshette is 70, Singer Bobbie Gentry is 68, Actress-director Betty Thomas is 64, Olympic Gold-Medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 64, Singer Maureen McGovern is 63 and Actress Janet Eilber is 61.
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July 27th is: Barbie-in-a-blender Day, Lumberjack Day, National Korean War Veterans Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day, Take Your Houseplants For A Walk Day, Walk On Stilts Day and SYSTEMS ADMIMISTRATOR APPRECIATION DAY.
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Quip for the day......."Because I'm SMOKING hot" is not the answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.....
As the flight gets under way, the pilot's voice comes over the public address system to greet his passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrrival time, a bit about the weather and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off his microphone, he says to the co-pilot, "You know what would make me relax right now? A cup of coffee and a nice back massage from that new stewardess."
The flight crew is horrified. One of the stewardesses runs toward the cockpit to advise the pilot of his boo-boo.
One of the passengers calls out to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
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In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.
In 1932, federal troops acting at the order of President Herbert Hoover dispersed the "Bonus Army" of WWI veterans who had gathered by the thousands to demand money they weren't scheduled to receive until 1945.
In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building, killing 14 people.
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Today------Movie director Andrew V. McLagien is 92, Actor Darryl Hickman is 81, Ballet dancer-choreographer Jacques d'Amboiseis is 78, Musical conductor Riccardo Muti is 71, Former Senator and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Bradley is 69, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 67, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 66, Actress Linda Kelsey is 66, TV producer Dick Ebersol is 65, Actress Sally Struthers is 64 and Actress Georgia Engel is 64.
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July 28th is: Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy, National Milk Chocolate Day, Paddle For Perthes Disease Day and World Hepatitis Day.
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Quip for the day.............My in-laws are amazing. They can go from zero to irritating in under 60 seconds!
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NOTICE: I (OOPS WE) ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY. NO IN-LAWS, NO PETS, NO GRANDKIDS......JUST US. THE JURY IS OUT ON TAKING ALONG THE COMPUTER. CAN I SURVIVE TWO DAYS WITHOUT IT? OH WELL, IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME UNTIL TUESDAY, I AM FINE AND WILL RESUME THIS THREAD WHEN I GET BACK. IF I DO DECIDE TO TAKE THE COMPUTER, THEN I WILL POST THIS THREAD AS USUAL. MEANWHILE, IN ANTICIPATION OF THOSE OF YOU WHO WILL OFFER CONGRATULATIONS TO US, THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! TO THOSE WHO DON'T............. :o ;D 8)
Larryj
Today's---------OK, back to work.......
There was this husband and wife who bickered constantly. She complained about his drinking. He blamed her nagging on his drinking. This went on for years. They never gave each other a minute's peace.
One night she decided to give him a scare. She dressed up as the devil and waited for him to arrive home.
The husband came home late as usual. He had stopped at the pub after work.
The wife jumped out at him in her devil costume. She said in deep voice, "Now you must pay for your sins!"
The husband wobbled a bit on his feet, struggled to focus, then said, "Lushifer, you can't shcare me! I'm married to your shister!"
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In 1777, the Marquis de Lafayette, a 19-year-old French nobleman, was made a major-general in the American Continental Army.
In 1930, the radio character "The Shadow" made his debut as narrator of the "Detective Story Hour" on CBS Radio.
In 1957, the Distant Early Warning Line, a system of radar stations designed to detect Soviet bombers approaching North America, went into operation.
In 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.
In 1971, Apollo 15 crew members David Scott and James Irwin became the first astronauts to use a lunar rover on the surface of the moon.
In 1991, President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.
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Today--------Actor Don Murray is 83, Jazz composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 81, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 77, Actress France Nuyen is 73, Singer Lobo is 69, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 68, Former movie studio executive Sherry Lansing is 68, Actor Lane Davies is 62, Intenational Tennis Hall-of-Famer Evonne Goolagong Cawley is 61, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 61 and Actor Alan Autry is 60.
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July 31st is: Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day............Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it.
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Larryj
Today's----------DUH!...........
It had been a long day for the traveling businessman. He had been in meetings all day. He was exhausted when he arrived back at his hotel.
He walked to the elevator, then hesitated, backed away and walked to the front desk. "Excuse me," he said to the young clerk. "My mind is frazzled. Can you tell me what room I'm in?"
The clerk smiled and said, "Wow, you really don't know what room you're in?"
The businessman was in no mood for banter. "That's right," he said, irritated. "That's why I asked for your help. Can you tell me what room I'm in?"
The clerk said, "Sir, you're in the lobby!"
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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.
In 1911, Harriet Quimby became the first woman to receive a U.S. pilot's certificate from the Aero Club of America.
In 1912, the U.S. Marine Corps' first pilot, Lt. Alfred A. Cunningham, went on his first solo flight as he took off in a Burgess/Curtiss Hydroplane from Marblehead Harbor in Massachusetts.
In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people. Whitman, who had also murdered his wife and mother hours earlier, was gunned down by police.
In 1971, the Concert for Bangladesh, organized by George Harrison and Ravi Shankar, took place at New York's Madison Square Garden.
In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.
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Today------Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 82, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 81, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 70 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Roy Williams is 62.
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August 1st is: Girlfriends Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect For Parents Day, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day and World Wide Web Day.
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Quip for the day............The closet thing I had to a brainstorm, was a slow drizzle.
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Larryj
Today's------------dumb....
Victor had been spending all his time on a secret project. His friend Ruben kept asking him about it, but Victor was tight-lipped.
Finally, though, Victor completed his work. He showed it to Ruben. It was a $17 bill. "I made it myself," Victor said.
Ruben examined it on both sides. He said, "It's beautiful work. An excellent forgery. But you're never going to get anyone to take a $17 bill."
Victor said, "You want to bet? I'll take it to the deli on the corner right now and get change. I'll be right back."
He returned with a big smile, and said, "The guy changed it! And he only charged me a $2 fee."
Ruben said, "So you got $15 back?"
Victor said, "Check it out. A $3 and a $12!"
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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaratiion of Independence.
In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall, who was later hanged.
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Today--------Former Sen. Paul Laxalt, R-Nev., is 90, Actor Peter O'Toole is 80, Rock musician Garth Hudson (The Band) is 75, Movie director Wes Craven is 73, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 69, Actor Max Wright is 69, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 67 and Actress Kathryn Harrold is 62.
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August 2nd is: Dinosaurs Day, Gymnastics Day and Ice Cream Sandwich Day.
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Quip for the day...........Young at heart..............some parts slightly older.
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Larryj
Today's-----yippee.......
Harry and Barbara's marriage has been on the rocks for a while, but at least they're working on it. When they heard about a marriage seminar a short drive away, they decided to attend.
"One of the most important things in any marriage," the speaker said, "is for both spouses to know each other really well."
He paused, for effect, then said, "Let's try a little experiment. How many of the gentlemen here can tell me what their wife's favorite flower is?"
Harry shot to his feet and raised his hand. "I know! I know!" he said.
"Yes?" the speaker said.
Harry replied, proudly, "It's Gold Medal All-Purpose Flour!"
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In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.
In 1921, baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis refused to reinstate the former Chicago White Sox players implicated in the "Black Sox" scandal, despite their acquittals in a jury trial.
In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the first of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he won the 100-meter sprint.
In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice. (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second, similar episode.)
In 1966, comedian Lenny Bruce, 40, was found dead in his Los Angeles home.
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Today-----------Author P.D. James is 92, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Marv Levy is 87, Actor Martin Sheen is 72, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Lance Alworth is 72, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 71, Singer Beverly Lee is 71, Rock musician B.B. Dickerson is 63, Movie director John Landis is 62, Actor Jay North is 61, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 61 and Singer Tony Bennett is 86.
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August 3rd is: Braham Pie Day and Watermelon Day.
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Quip for the day.......A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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Larryj
Today's---------old, funny........
Agnes is behind the wheel. Matilda is in the passenger seat. They're so small they barely can see over the dashboard. They're headed down the road.
They run a red light. Matilda thinks, "I must be losing it. I could swear we just went through a red light."
They run another one. Matilda thinks, "Am I seeing things?"
She watches carefully. They run another one. She blurts out, "Agnes! You just ran three red lights in a row! Are you trying to kill us?"
Agnes says, "Oh, my goodness! Am I driving?"
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In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1936, Jesse Owens of the U.S. won the second of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he prevailed in the long jump over German Carl-Ludwig "Luz" Long.
In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam. (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)
In 1977, President Jimmy Carter signed a measure establishing the Department of Energy.
In 1987, the Federal Communications Commission woted to abolish the Fairness Doctrine, which required radio and television stations to present balanced coverage.
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Today------Journalist Helen Thomas is 92, Singer Frankie Ford is 73, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 68 and Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 63.
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August 4th is: Coast Guard Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Mustard Day, Single Working Women's Day and Social Security Day.
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Quip for the day........They say we gain strength from our mistakes..........I must be able to lift a Buick!
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Larryj
Today's-----entitled "Cowboy wisdom"...........
Don't squat with yer spurs on.
Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.
There's two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works.
When in doubt, let yer horse do the thinkin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Worry is like a rockin' horse. It don't get you anywhere.
If you find yerself in a hole, stop digging.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
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In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.
In 1921, a baseball game was broadcast for the first time as KDKA radio announcer Harold Arlin described the action between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Philadelphia Phillies from Forbes Field. (The Pirates won, 6-5.)
In 1961, the amusement park Six Flags Over Texas had its official grand opening day in Arlington.
In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from "acute barbiturate poisoning."
In 1981, the federal government began firing air traffic controllers who had gone out on strike.
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Today--------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 82, Actor John Saxon is 76, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Roman Gabriel is 72, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 72, Rock musician Rick Huxley (The Dave Clark Five) is 72, Actress Loni Anderson is 67, Actress Erika Slezak is 66, Rock musician Rick Derringer is 65 and Actress Holly Palance is 62.
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August 5th is: Assistance Dog Day, Friendship Day, International Beer Day (I'll drink to that), National Doll Day, National Kid's Day, National Underwear Day and Sister's Day.
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Quip for the day..............It's bad luck to be superstitious.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah.........
Bob is 70 and extremely wealthy. He shows up at the country club with an extremely attractive young woman on his arm. His buddies take him aside. One asked, "Bob, how does a 70-year-old codger like you get a girlfriend like that?"
Bob says, "She's not my girlfriend. She's my wife."
The buddies are even more astonished. One asks, "How on earth does a 70-year-old geezer like you get a woman like that to marry you?"
Bob replies, "I lied about my age."
One of the buddies asks, "What did you tell her? That you're 50?"
Bob says, with a wink, "No, I told her I'm 90."
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In 1862, the Confederate ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to prevent capture by the Union.
In 1926, Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Clannel, arriving in Kingsdown, England, from France in 14 1/2 hours.
In 1932, the first Venice Film Festival opened with a screening of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Fredic March.
In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in an estimated 140,000 deaths.
In 1956, the DuMont television network went off the air after a decade of operations.
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Today------Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 75, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 74, Actor Dorian Harewood is 62 and Actress Catherine Hicks is 61.
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August 6th is: Hiroshima Day and National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day.
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Quip for the day........Age is only important if you are wine or cheese.
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Larryj
Today's--------I know how that is............
Anders bought his wife Olga a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, their friend Lars asked him, "How did Olga like the piano?"
Anders said, "Oh, she took to it right away, let me tell you."
Lars: "That's wonderful. Does she play often?"
Anders: "No, we got rid of it."
Lars, surprised: "I thought you said she loved it."
Anders: "She did, but I persuaded her to switch to the clarinet."
Lars: "How come?"
Anders: "Well, because with the clarinet she can't sing."
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In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.
In 1942, U.S. and other allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II. (Japanese forces abandoned the island the following February.)
In 1959, the United States launched the Explorer 6 satellite, which sent back images of Earth.
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Today------------Writer-producer Stan Freberg is 86, Magician, author and lecturer James Randi is 84, Former MLB pitcher Don Larsen is 83, Bluesman Magic Slim is 75, Actress Verna Bloom is 73, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 70, Singer B.J. Thomas is 70, FBI Director Robert Mueller is 68, Actor John Glover is 68, Actor David Rasche is 68, Former diplomat, talk show host and activist Alan Keyes is 62, Country singer Rodney Crowell is 62, Actress Caroline Aaron is 60 and Comedian Alexei Sayle is 60.
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August 7th is: Lighthouse Day, National Night Out, Particularly Preposterous Packing Day, Professional Speakers Day and Purple Heart Day.
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Quip for the day.......Diplomacy is when a man remembers his wife's birthday, but never remembers her age.
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Larryj
Today's------oopsies..........
A young businessman started his own company. He rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there one day at his magnificent desk, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started pretending he was working on a big deal. He shouted out huge figures, made lots of giant projections and promised a great number of eye-popping results.
Meanwhile, he motioned his visitor to come in and sit down. Finally, he finished his fake phone conversation and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The visitor said, "Yep, I'm here to hook up your telephone."
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In 1890, The Daughters Of The American Revolution was founded.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced his resignation, effective the next day, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal.
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Today--------Actress Esther Williams is 91, Actor Richard Anderson is 86, Joan Mondale, wife of former Vice President Walter F. Mondale, is 82, Actress Nina Talbot is 82, Singer Mel Tillis is 80, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 75, Actress Connie Stevens is 74, Actor Larry Wilcox is 65, Actor Keith Carradine is 63, R&B singer Airrion Love is 63, Country singer Jamie O'Hara is 62 and TV personality Robin Quivers is 60.
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August 8th is: The Date To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day (Garfield's Pal) and Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbors Porch Night.
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Quip for the day........If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Larryj
Today's-----another one.......
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with a hair dryer. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father, less than calmly, blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
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In 1936, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics as the United States took first place in the 400-meter relay.
In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, Japan, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki, killing an estimated 74,000 people.
In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon and his family left the White House as his resignation took effect. Vice President Gerald R. Ford became the nation's 38th chief executive.
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Today-----------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 84, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Rod Laver is 74, Jazz musician Jack DeJohnette is 70, Comedian-director David Steinberg is 70, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 69, Singer Barbara Mason is 65, Former MLB All-star pitcher Bill Campbell is 64 and College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player John Cappelletti is 60.
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August 9th is: International Day Of The World's Indigenous People and Veep Day.
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Quip for the day...........Start every day with a smile............and get it over with.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny......
Headstone in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. I wonder if the guy died knowing he had won the "Coolest Headstone" contest?
FIVE RULES FOR MEN
1. Choose a woman who knows how to work.
2. Choose a woman who can make you laugh.
3. Choose a woman you can trust.
4. Choose a woman who is affectionate and likes to be with you.
5. Above all, make sure these four women never meet or you will wind up dead like me.
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In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.
In 1921, Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on the Canadian Island of Campobello.
In 1962, Marvel Comics superhero Spider-Man made his debut in issue 15 of "Amazing Fantasy" (cover price: 12 cents.)
In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of Charles Manson's cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people had been slain.
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Today-------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 89, Actor-director Tom Laughlin ("Billy Jack") is 81, Singer Ronnie Spector is 69, Actor James Reynolds is 66, Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 65, Country musician Gene Johnson (Diamond Rio) is 63, Singer Patti Austin is 62 and Actor Daniel Hugh Kelly is 60.
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August 10th is: National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.
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Quip for the day........Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
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Larryj
Today's-------true........
They say that some lawyers have good hearts. That some lawyers are motivated by the desire to do good in the world. That some lawyers aren't out for the fast buck.
I'm sure it must be true........
On the other hand, let me tell you a story.
A buddy of mine went to an attorney in town and asked, "How much do you charge?"
The attorney asked for his card, tucked it in his pocket, then replied, "I charge $500 for three questions."
My friend gasped and said, "That's awfully steep, isn't it?"
The attorney said, "Yes. Now, what's your final question? And will you be paying by check or put it on your card?"
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In 1860, the nation's first successful silver mill began operation near Virginia City, Nevada.
In 1909, the steamship SS Arapahoe became the first ship in North America to issue an S.O.S. distress signal, off North Carolina's Cape Hatteras.
In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island (a former military prison) in San Francisco Bay.
In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.
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Today------Actress Arlene Dahl is 84, Songwriter-producer Kenny Gamble is 69, Rock musician Jim Kale (Guess Who) is 69, Magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant is 66, Country singer John Conlee is 66 and singer Eric Carmen is 63.
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August 11th is: Kool-Aid Day, Ingersoll Day and National Garage Sale Day.
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Quip for the day............They hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah........
A landlord confronted his tenant, the artist, and demanded payment for several months of past-due rent.
Artist: "I am so sorry. I cannot afford to pay just yet. But I have a number of important projects in the works. Can you have a little patience?"
Landlord: "I've run out of patience with you."
Artist: "Please. You won't regret it. Just think, some day people will stop here and say, 'This is where the great painter, Jacques Yablonsky once lived!'"
Landlord: "If you don't pay up today, they can drop by tomorrow and say that!"
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In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.
In 1943, Larry Jordan was born.
In 1960, the first balloon communications satellite -- the Echo 1 -- was launched by the United States from Cape Canaveral.
In 1981, IBM introduced its first personal computer, the model 5150, at a press conference in New York.
In 1985, the world's worst single-aircraft disaster occurred as a crippled Japan Air Lines plane on a domestic flight crashed into a mountain, killing 520 people. (Four people survived.)
In 1992, after 14 months of negotiations, the United States, Mexico and Canada announced in Washington that they had concluded the North American Free Trade Agreement.
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Today------------Former Senator Dale Bumpers, D-Ark., is 87, Actor George Hamilton is 73, Actress Dana Ivey is 71, Actress Jennifer Warren is 71, All around nice guy Larry Jordan is 69, Rock musician Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 63, Actor Jim Beaver is 62 and Singer Kid Creole is 62.
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August 12th is: IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Sewing Machine Day and Vinyl Record Day.
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Quip for the day............When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through."
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Larryj
Today's------celebrity one-liners.........
China has a population of more than one billion people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million kind of guy, there are still more than a thousand others exactly like you. A. Whitney Brown.
TV commercials show you how detergents take out bloodstains. A pretty violent image there. I think if you've got shirts with bloodstains all over them, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Jerry Seinfeld.
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Steven Wright.
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it, "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...... Brian Kiley
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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.
In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.
In 1942, Walt Disney's animated feature "Bambi" had its U.S. premiere at Radio City Music Hall in New York, five days after its world premiere in London.
In 1960, the first two-way telephone conversation by satellite took place with the help of Echo 1.
In 1981, in a ceremony at his California ranch, President Ronald Reagan signed a historic package of tax and budget reductions.
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Today------------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 86, Actor Pat Harrington is 83, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is 79, Actor Kevin Tighe is 68, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 65, Opera singer Kathleen Battle is 64 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Clarke is 63.
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August 13th is: International Left Hander's Day.
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Quip for the day.........A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history........with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
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Larryj
Today's----old, probably a repeat, but funny.......
A man and his wife were having a tiff. They were giving each other the silent treatment. Neither one of them had any intention of backing down.
But then the man remembered something. He needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an important business flight. He didn't trust alarm clocks.. He always slept through them.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose!), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me a 5 a.m.," and handed it to his wife.
The next morning, he woke up to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he leaped out of bed. He saw a note on his bedside table. He unfolded it and read it: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up!"
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In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Japan had surrendered unconditionally, ending World War II.
In 1948, the Summer Olympics in London ended; they were the first Olympic games held since 1936.
In 1951, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst, 88, died in Beverly Hills.
In 1997, an unrepentant Timothy McVeigh was formally sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing.
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Today---------Broadway lyricist Lee Adams ("Bye Bye Birdie") is 88, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Russell Baker is 87, Singer Buddy Greco is 86, Baseball Hall-of-Fame coach Earl Weaver is 82, College football Hall-of-Famer John Brodie is 77, Singer Dash Crofts is 74, Rock singer David Crosby is 71, Country singer Connie Smith is 71, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 67, Actor Antonio Fargas is 66, Actress Susan Saint James is 66, Actor David Schramm is 66, Author Danielle Steel is 65, "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larson is 62 and Olympic gold medal swimmer Debbie Meyer is 60.
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August 14th is: National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.
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Quip for the day............I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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Larryj
Today's------------another old, probably a repeat, but good.......
A shopkeeper in a small town was dismayed when a rival opened a similar store right next door and put up a huge sign that proclaimed, "BEST QUALITY!"
The poor shopkeeper was even more disconcerted when another competitor opened a similar store on the other side of him with a large sign that announced, "LOWEST PRICES!"
The fellow pondered for a long time what to do. Finally, he had a brilliant idea. He put a sign above his own front door that was even bigger than the other two signs. It said, "MAIN ENTRANCE."
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In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to the public.
In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow in the Alaska Territory.
In 1945, in a radio address, Japan's Emperor Hirohito announced that his country had accepted terms of surrender for ending WWII.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.
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Today------------Actress Rose Marie is 89, Political activist Phyllis Schlafly is 88, Actor Mike Connors is 87, Game show host Jim Lange is 80, Actress Lori Nelson is 79, Civil rights activist Vernon Jordan is 77, Actor Jim Dale is 77, Actress Pat Priest is 76, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is 74, Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Los Angeles, is 74, Musician Pete York is 70, Author-journalist Linda Ellerbee is 68, Songwriter Jimmy Webb is 66, Rock singer-musician Tom Johnston is 64, Britain's Princess Anne is 62 and Actress Tess Harper is 62.
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August 15th is: Best Friends Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day and National Relaxation Day.
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Quip for the day..........If there isn't a law, there will be.
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Larryj
Today's---------from the archives......
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
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In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln issued Proclamation 86, which prohibited the states of the Union from engaging in commercial trade with states in rebellion -- i.e., the Confederacy.
In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York, at age 53.
In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time, Inc.
In 1962, The Beatles fired their original drummer, Pete Best, replacing him with Ringo Starr.
In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tennessee, at age 42.
(moment of silence..............................................................................................)
In 1987, 156 people were killed when Northwest Airlines Flight 255 crashed while trying to take off from Detroit; the sole survivor was 4-year-old Cecelia Cichan.
In 2007, a cave-in killed three rescuers in the Crandall Canyon Mine in Utah; the search for six trapped miners was later abandoned.
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Today--------Actress Ann Blyth is 84, Singer Edie Gorme is 81, Actor Gary Clarke is 79, Actress Julie Newmar is 79, Actor John Standing is 78, College Football Hall-of-Famer and NFL player Bill Glass is 77, Actress Anita Gillette is 76, Actress Carole Shelley is 73, Country singer Billy Joe Shaver is 73, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 66 and Rock singer Joey Spampinato is 62.
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August 16th is: Joe Miller's Joke Day and Natiional Airborne Day.
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Quip for the day..........I once heard a joke about anmesia, but I forgot how it goes.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.........
The insecure viola player arrives home late and discovers police cars and fire trucks everywhere. His home is burned down to the ground.
A detective tells him, "I'm sorry, but the conductor of the local orchestra, Maestro Putinosky, was here earlier. He murdered your entire family and set fire to your house."
The viola player is stunned. Finally, he was able to say, "Are you kidding? Maestro Putinosky came to my house?"
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In 1943, the Allied conquest of Sicily was completed as U.S. and British forces entered Messina.
In 1960, the newly renamed The Beatles (formerly the Silver Beetles) began their first gig in Hamburg, West Germany, at the Indra Club.
In 1978, the first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight ended as Maxie Anderson, Ben Abruzzo and Larry Newman landed their Double Eagle II outside Paris.
In 1982, the first commercially produced compact disc, a recording of ABBA's "The Visitors," was pressed at a Philips factory near Hanover, West Germany.
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Today-----------Actress Maureen O'Hara is 92, Author V.S. Naipaul is 80, Former MLB All-Star Boog Powell is 71, Actor Robert DeNiro is 69, Movie director Martha Coolidge is 66, Rock musician Gary Talley is 65, Rock musician Sib Hashian is 63, Actor Robert Joy is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Guillermo Villas is 60.
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August 17th is: Meaning of "Is" Day, National Thrift Shop Day, Men's Grooming Day and Hug Your Boss Day.
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Quip for the day........When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department uses water.
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Larryj
Today's-------------true......
Two deer hunters, hunting out of season, had been out in the woods for several hours and one of them had been growing uneasy. Finally, panic overtook him.
"We're lost," he cried to his companion. "We will never find our way back!"
"Keep your shirt on," his friend said. "We're going to be fine."
"What do you think we should do?" the frightened one said.
His friend said, "Just shoot a deer. I promise you, the game warden will be here in less than a minute."
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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.
In 1862, Dakota Indians began an uprising in Minnesota. (The revolt was crushed by U.S. forces some six weeks later.)
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of all American women to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.
In 1963, James Meredith became the first black student to graduate from the University of Mississippi.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair in Bethel, New York, wound to a close after three nights with a mid-morning set by Jimi Hendrix.
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Today-------Former first lady Rosalynn Carter is 85, Academy Award-winning director Roman Polanski is 79, Attorney and author Vincent Bugliosi is 78, Olympic gold medal decathlete Rafer Johnson is 77, Actor-director Robert Redford is 76, Actor Christopher Jones is 71, Actor Henry G. Sanders is 70, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 69, Rock musician Dennis Elliott is 62 and Comedian Elayne Boosler is 60.
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August 18th is: Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, International Geocaching Day, Mail Order Catalog Day, Serendipity Day and (World) Daffodil Day.
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Quip for the day...........The secret to looking younger is to be younger.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah.......
The night was dark and gloomy. A man was walking home on a lonely country road and he was afraid.
Presently he saw the police constable walking ahead of him. He hurried to catch up.
The constable said, "See here, sir. I must ask you to accompany me to the police station."
The first man, taken aback, said, "Why? What did I do?"
The police constable said, "Nothing, but it's scary out here. I could use some company."
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In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere off Nova Scotia during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."
In 1848, the New York Times reported the discovery of gold in California.
In 1909, the first automobile races were run at the just-opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
In 1960, a tribunal in Moscow convicted American U2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage. (Although sentenced to 10 years imprisonment, Powers was returned to the United States in 1962 as part of a prisoner exchange.)
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Today-------Actor L.Q. Jones is 85, Actress Debra Paget is 79, Former MLB All-Star Bobby Richardson is 77, Actress Diana Muldaur is 74, Rock musician Ginger Baker is 73, Actress Jill St. John is 72, Rock singer Ian Gillan is 67, Actor Jim Carter is 64, Actor Gerald McRaney is 64, Rock musician John Deacon is 61, Actor-director Jonathan Frakes is 60 and Former President Bill Clinton is 66.
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August 19th is: Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day and World Humanitarian Day.
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Quip for the day........Never insult a police officer when he is doing a body cavity search.
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Larryj
Today's------sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed.......
Deciding to give his wife a pleasant surprise, a man took home a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy.
"Florence," he said, "put on your best gown. I'm taking you to dinner at the best place in town and then we'll see a play."
Poor Florence burst into tears. "It was bad enough to have the baby fall down the back steps and to burn my hand in the kitchen," she sobbed, "but to have you come home drunk is just too much!"
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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.
In 1910, a series of forest fires swept through parts of Idaho, Montana and Washington, killing at least 85 people and burning some 3 million acres.
In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a 12-inch copper phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of music and sounds of nature.
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Today-------Writer-producer-director Walter Bernstein is 93, Boxing promoter Don King is 81, U.S. special envoy George Mitchell is 79, Former MLB All-Star Graig Nettles is 68, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 66, Musician Jimmy Pankow (Chicago) is 65, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 64 and Country singer Rudy Gatlin is 60.
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August 20th is: Cupcake Day and International Homeless Animals Day.
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Quip for the day.......If a woman tells you her real age, she will tell you anything.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops.........
The game warden followed the smell and smoke to a clearing in the woods where he discovered the hunter roasting a spotted owl over a small fire.
"For Heaven's sake! Is that a spotted owl you're cooking?" he cried.
The hunter shrugged and said, "I guess you've busted me."
The warden said, "I can't believe you would eat an endangered bird. What on earth does a spotted owl even taste like?"
The hunter considered for a moment, then said, "Well, I would say it's somewhere between a bald eagle and a California condor."
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In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded in Saratoga, NY.
In 1911, Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" was stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris. (It was recovered two years later.)
In 1961, country singer Patsy Cline recorded the Willie Nelson song "Crazy" in Nashville. (The recording was released in October 1961.)
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Today----Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 80, Singer Kenny Rogers is 74, Actor Clarence Williams III is 73, Rock and Roll musician James Burton is 73, Singer Harold Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 73, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Willie Lanier is 67, Actress Patty McCormack is 67, Pop singer-musician Carl Giammarese is 65, Actress Loretta Devine is 63, NBC newsman Harry Smith is 61 and Singer Glenn Hughes is 60.
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August 21st is: Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.
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Quip for the day............Plan to be spontaneous...............tomorrow.
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Larryj
Today's---------got ya........
Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, is hanging out with Daniel Akerson, CEO of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," Gates boasts, "you now would be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."
He continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas."
He continued, "In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," Akerson says, "but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River to delegates from the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
In 1846, Gen. Stephen W. Kearny proclaimed all of New Mexico a terrritory of the United States.
In 1851, the schooner America outraced more than a dozen British vessels off the English coast to win a trophy that came to be known as America's Cup.
In 1989, Black Panthers co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland. (Gunman Tyrone Robinson was later sentenced to 32 years to life in prison.)
In 1992, on the second day of the Ruby Ridge siege in Idaho, an FBI sharpshooter killed Vicki Weaver, the wife of white separatist Randy Weaver. (The sharpshooter later said he was targeting the couple's friend Kevin Harris, and didn't see Vicky Weaver.)
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Today-----Heart surgeon Dr. Denton Cooley is 92, Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 78, Broadcast journalist Morton Dean is 77, Author Annie Prouix is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carl Yastrzemski is 73, Actress Valerie Harper is 73, Football coach Bill Parcells is 71, CBS newsman Steve Kroft is 67 and Actress Cindy Williams is 65.
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August 22nd is: Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Be An Angel Day.
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Quip for the day............Think about this one: If the good die young, what does that say about senior citizens?
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Larryj
Today's------------smart man......
Old George was going up to bed when he noticed a light on in his garden shed. He started out there but noticed there were intruders in the shed.
He phoned the police and reported the crime. The watch commander said, "All our patrols are busy. We'll send over an officer as soon as we can."
George waited a few minutes and called again. "Never mind about the intruders in my shed. I shot them dead and my dogs are eating them."
Within two minutes, six squad cars and helicopter were on the scene. The burglars were caught red-handed.
The watch commander said to George, "Guess you fibbed when you said you had shot them."
George replied, "Guess you fibbed when you said there was nobody available."
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In 1912, actor, dancer, director and choreographer Gene Kelly was born Eugene Curran Kelly in Pittsburgh.
In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.
In 1962, John Lennon married his first wife, Cynthia Powell, in Liverpool, England. (The marriage lasted until 1968.)
In 2011, a magnitude 5.8 earthquake centered near Mineral, Virginia, the strongest on the East Coast since 1944, caused cracks in the Washington Monument and damaged Washington National Cathedral.
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Today------Actress Vera Miles is 82, Political satirist Mark Russell is 80, Actress Barbara Eden is 78, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgensen is 78, Actor Richard Sanders is 72, Ballet dancer Patricia McBride is 70, Former Surgeon General Antonia Novello is 68, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Rayfield Wright is 67, Country singer Rex Allen, Jr. is 65, Actress Shelley Long is 63, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 63 and Queen Noor of Jordan is 61.
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August 23rd is: Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & It's Abolition and Valentino Day.
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Quip for the day........We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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Larryj
Today's--------another oops........
The priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The keynote speaker was a member of the congregation who happened to be a prominent local politician. He had been delayed, however, so the priest stood up to deliver a few remarks of his own.
"My first impression of this parish was not so good," he said. "The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had struck his wife, embezzled money from his employer, had an affair with a married neighbor and taken illegal drugs. I was shocked. Fortunately, I soon learned that he was the exception and that our parish is full of wonderful people."
As the priest finished his remarks, the politician arrived, full of apologies, and took the podium to make his presentation. He started with, "I'll never forget the first day our priest arrived. In fact, I had the distinct honor of being the first person to visit his confessional."
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In A.D. 79, long-dormant Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash; an estimated 20,000 died.
In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.
In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory.
In 1912, Congress approved legislation establishing Parcel Post delivery by the U.S. Post Office Department slated to begin on Jan. 1, 1913.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, N.J., making her the first woman to fly solo, non-stop, from coast to coast.
In 1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Communist Control Act, outlawing the Communist Party in the United States.
In 2006, the international Astronomical Union declared that Pluto was no longer a planet, demoting it to the status of a "dwarf planet."
In 2011, Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple, Inc.; he was succeeded by Tim Cook.
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Today-----Former Education Secretary Shirley Hufstedler is 87, Actor Kenny Baker is 78, Composer-musician Mason Williams is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Marshall Thompson is 70, Rock musician Ken Hensley is 67, Actress Anne Archer is 65 and Actor Joe Regalbuto is 63.
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August 24th is: Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day and National Waffle Day.
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Quip for the day........Why pay for someone to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
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Larryj
Today's-----------ouch.......
A farmer was escorting a visitor around his farm when a three-legged pig crossed their path.
"Wow, what's with the three-legged pig?" the visitor asked.
"Oh, that pig's amazing," the farmer said. "Once, when my toddler son was drowning in the pond, that pig dove in, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him to safety. Another time, that pig drove off intruders who were breaking into the house. Then there was the time he saved our entire farm from a fire."
"That is amazing," the visitor said. "And he only has three legs?"
"Well, with a pig that special," the farmer said, "we don't feel right about eating him all at once."
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In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.
In 1921, the United States signed a peace treaty with Germany.
In 1944, Paris was liberated by Allied forces after four years of Nazi occupation.
In 1981, the U.S. spacecraft Voyager 2 came within 63,000 miles of Saturn's cloud cover, sending back pictures of and data about the ringed planet.
In 1985, Samantha Smith, 13, whose letter to Yuri V. Andropov resulted in her famous peace tour of the Soviet Union, died with her father in a plane crash in Auburn, Maine.
In 2002, bass-baritone William Warfield, best known for his rendition of "Ol' Man River" in the musical "Show Boat," died in Chicago at age 82.
In 2009, Sen. Edward Kennedy died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts.
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Today-------------Game show host Monty Hall is 91, Actor Sean Connery is 82, TV personality Regis Philbin is 81, Actor Tom Skerritt is 79, Actor David Canary is 74, R&B singer Walter Williams is 70, Rock musician Danny Smythe is 64, Rock singer Gene Simmons is 63, Actor John Savage is 63 and Rock singer Rob Halford is 61.
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August 25th is: International Bat Night (25-26), Kiss And Make Up Day and National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day.
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Quip for the day............The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.
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Larryj
Today's----------I see.........
Men are bad at asking for directions. They are also bad at giving them.
A woman was trying to find her son's baseball field. She drove around and around, and finally stopped at a gas station for directions.
"Can you tell me how to find Cooper's Field?" she asked the man behind the counter.
He replied, "Yes, coming from the city, you turn left at Rainville Road. At the next fork in the road, go to the right. There's a little farm and about a mile after that you turn right. In a few minutes you will see a little service station called Joey's."
The woman looked around and observed, "This place is called Joey's."
The guy said impatiently, "That's what I was getting around to telling you. The field is right behind the station."
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In 1910, Thomas Edison demonstrated for reporters an improved version of his Kinetophone, a device for showing a movie with synchronized sound.
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State, Bainbridge Colby.
In 1961, the original Hockey Hall of Fame was opened in Toronto.
In 2002, Vice President Dick Cheney, at a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Tennessee, warned that the United States could face devastating consequences from any delay in acting to remove Saddam Hussein as president of Iraq.
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Today------------Former Washington Post Executive Editor Benjamin C. Bradlee is 91, Actress Francine York is 76, Singer Vic Dana is 70, Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Valerie Simpson is 66 and Pop singer Bob Cowsill is 63.
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August 26th is: National Dog Day, Women's Equality Day and Go Topless Day.
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Quip for the day........If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the OTHERS her for?
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Larryj
Today's------hah.........
Mom answers the phone. She hears, "Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broken, I twisted my ankle, and I haven't been able to get out of the house to shop. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have friends over for dinner tonight."
Mom says, "Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, and I'll be over in 30 minutes. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook the dinner. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who will fix your washing machine. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him to come help for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's you husband, dear."
"My husband is Jim!"
"This is Jennifer, isn't it?"
"No, I'm Jill."
"Oh, dear, I believe you've called a wrong number."
After a long pause, Jill said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
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Bonus shot------I told my ex-husband I wanted to kill him. He said I needed professional help, so I hired a hitman.
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In 1859, Edwin L. Drake drilled the first successful oil well in the United States, at Titusville, PA.
In 1957, the USS Swordfish, the second Skate Class nuclear submarine, was launched from the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard in Maine.
In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.
In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead in his London flat from an overdose of sleeping pills; he was 32.
In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida -- a Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.
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Today--------Actor Tommy Sands is 75, Bluegrass singer-musician J.D. Crowe is 75, Actress Tuesday Weld is 69 and Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 67.
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August 27th is: The Duchess Who Wasn't Day.
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Quip for the day............I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
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Larryj
Today's-----entitled Computer Women........
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!
B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!
F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but always busy when you need her.
G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teen-ager from Chicago, was adducted from his uncle's home in Money, Mississippi, by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman; he was found brutally slain three days later.
In 1963, more than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1968, police and anti-war demonstrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic National Convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
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Today-----Actor Sonny Shroyer is 77, Actor Ken Jenkins is 72, Actor David Soul is 69, Former MLB manager Lou Pinella is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 66, Actress Debra Mooney is 65 and Singer Wayne Osmond (The Osmonds) is 61.
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August 28th is: Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.
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Quip for the day.............Pilot: "If you hear me yell 'eject! eject! eject!, the last two will be echos."
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Larryj
Today's-------Labor Day one-liners.......
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?------------Edgar Bergen
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.----Robert Orben
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.----Bertrand Russell
Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going 60 miles an hour or is the train going 60 miles and hour and you're just sitting still?-------J. Paul Getty
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In 1957, the Senate gave final congressional approval to a Civil Rights Act after South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond ended a filibuster that had lasted 24 hours.
In 1958, pop superstar Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana.
In 1972, swimmer Mark Spitz of the United States won the third of his seven gold medals at the Munich Olympics, finishing first in the 200-meter freestyle.
In 1987, Academy Award-winning actor Lee Marvin died in Tucson, AZ., at age 63.
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana, bringing floods that devastated New Orleans. More than 1,800 people in the region died.
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Today-------Actor-director Lord Richard Attenborough is 89, Movie director William Friedkin is 77, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is 76, Actor Elliott Gould is 74, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 73, Former White House Press Secretary James Brady is 72, TV personality Robin Leach is 71, Actor Ray Wise is 65 and Actress Deborah Van Valkenburgh is 60.
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August 29th is: According To Hoyle Day, International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs Less Salt Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and XIV Paralympics Games (8/29-9/9).
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Quip for the day...........I may be driving slow, but I'm ahead of you!
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Larryj
Today's--------more Labor Day stuff........
These are actual quotes from real employee performance evaluations.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere......but only out of morbid curiosity."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far...........and the sooner he starts, the better."
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In 1862, Confederate forces won victories against the Union at the Second Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, VA., and the Battle of Richmond in Kentucky.
In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders. (The Tigers won, 5-3.)
In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1983, Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.
In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash in Paris that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayed and their driver, Henri Paul. (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)
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Today------------Opera singer Regina Resnik is 90, Actor Bill Daily is 85, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 73, Actor Ben Jones is 71, Cartoonist R. Crumb is 69, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 69, Actress Peggy Lipton (The Mod Squad) is 65 and Actor Timothy Bottoms is 61.
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August 30th is: National Toasted Marshmellow Day and National Holistic Pet Day.
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Quip for the day..........When an employment application asks who should be notified in case of emergency, I write "911".
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Larryj
Today's------and still more......
Actual employee performance evaluations.......
"He's a gross ignoramus --- which means he is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He brings a lot of excitement to any room he leaves."
"If his IQ ever reaches 50, he should sell."
"if you see two people talking and one looks bored .... he's the other one."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Apparently already has donated his brain to science."
"Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
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In 1886, an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, SC, killing at least 60 people.
In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided over Cerritos, CA.
(note: we were on the freeway going through Cerritos headed for the beach and saw the smoke from the crash. We didn't know at that time what it was.)
In 1987, the Michael Jackson album "Bad" was released by Epic Records.
In 1997, Prince Charles brought Princess Diana home for the last time, escorting the body of his former wife to a Britain that was shocked, grief-stricken and angered by her death in a Paris traffic accident hours earlier.
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Today------Japanese monster movie actor Katsumi Tezuka is 100, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 77, Actor Warren Berlinger is 75, Rock musician Jerry Allison (The Crickets) is 73, Actor Jack Thompson is 72, Violinist Itzhak Perlman is 67, Singer Van Morrison is 67, Rock musician Rudolf Schenker is 64 and Actor Richard Gere is 63.
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August 31st is: Love Litigating Lawyers Day.
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Quip for the day........Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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Larryj
Today's-----and still more............
Actual quotes from real employee performance evaluations........
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd want change."
"If you stand close to him, you can hear the oceans."
"It probably takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him just once."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a real knack for making strangers."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
In 1942, U.S. District Court Judge Martin I. Welsh, ruling from Sacramento on a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of Fred Korematsu, upheld the wartime detention of Japanese-Americans as well as Japanese Nationals.
In 1972, American Bobby Fischer won the international chess crown in Reykjavik, Iceland, as Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union resigned before the resumption of Game 21.
In 1987, peace demostrator S. Brian Willson lost his legs when he was hit by a train at the Concord Naval Weapons Station in California while protesting weapons shipments to Central America.
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Today------Former Defense Secretary Melvin R. Laird is 90, Actor George Maharis is 84, Conductor Seiji Ozawa is 77, Attorney and Law Professor Alan Dershowitz is 74, Comedian-Actress Lily Tomlin is 73, Actor Don Stroud is 69, Conductor Leonard Slatkin is 68, Singer Archie Bell is 68, Singer Barry Gibb is 66, Rock Musician Greg Errico is 64 and Talk Show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 62.
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September 1st is: Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, National Rhyme (nor reason) Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.
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Quip for the day.......Money can't buy everything, but then again neither can no money.
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Larryj
Today's------and more Labor Day humor........
The boss gets the idea he isn't popular among his staff. One day, he challenges his assistant. "See here, Perkins," he says, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't think my staff cares for me."
Perkins replies nervously, "Sir?"
The boss says, "I don't get it, because when I left my last company, the people went together and got me a silver watch."
Perkins considered his words carefully, then says, "Silver was it? Well, if you were to leave this company, I can assure you that we'd all put in for giving you a gold watch!"
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In 1901, Vice President Theodore Toosevelt offered the advice, "Speak softly and carry a big stick" in a speech at the Minnesota State Fair.
In 1944, during World War II, Navy pilot Lt. George Herbert Walker Bush was shot down by Japanese forces as he completed a bombing run over the Bonin Islands. (Bush was rescued by the crew of the submarine USS Finback; his two crew members, however, died.
In 1945, Japan formerly surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.
In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at the University of California, Los Angeles, passed test data through a 15-foot-cable.
In 1986, a judge in Los Angeles sentenced Cathy Evelyn Smith to three years in prison for involuntary manslaughter for her role in the 1982 drug overdose death of comedian John Belushi. (Smith served 18 months.)
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Today---------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 93, Jazz musician Horace Silver is 84, Former United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth is 75, R&B singer Sam Gooden is 73, Singer Jimmy Clanton is 72, R&B singer Rosalind Ashford is 69, Singer Joe Simon is 69, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 64, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 64, Actor Mark Harmon is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Jimmy Connors is 60.
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September 2nd is: Bison-ten Yell Day and V-J Day.
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Quip for the day........I don't mind coming to work.......it's that eight hour wait to go home that's a pain.
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Larryj
Today's--------a repeat, so from the archives......
I'm so fat...
When I haul ass I have to make two trips.
When I dance, I make the band skip.
I was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave me 13 years to live.
My cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
My high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
I ran away as a child and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
I've got smaller fat disc jockeys orbiting around me.
I could sell shade.
When I go to a restaurant, they don't give me a menu, they give me an estimate.
I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.
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In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revoluntionary War.
In 1861, during the Civil War, Confederate forces invaded the border state of Kentucky, which had declared its neutrality in the conflict.
In 1972, American swimmer Mark Spitz won the sixth of his seven gold medals at the Munich Olympics as he placed first in the 100-meter freestyle.
In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.
In 1999, a French judge closed a two-year inquiry into the car crash that killed Princess Diana, dismissing all charges against nine photographers and a press motorcyclist, and concluding the accident was caused by an inebriated driver.
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Today-------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 89, Actress Anne Jackson is 86, Actress Eileen Brennan is 80, Country singer Tompall Glaser is 79, Actress Pauline Collins is 72, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 70, Actress Valerie Perrine is 69 and Rock musician Donald Brewer (Grand Funk Railroad) is 64.
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September 3rd is: Labor Day.
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Quip for the day............The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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Larryj
Today's----------hee hee......
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found one and took his best shot, but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. The hunter dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
The bear kept gaining on him. It was right on his heels. Just as he reached the cabin door, he stumbled and fell flat.
The bear tripped over him and went crashing through the door and into the cabin.
The man yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one. I'll go find another one!"
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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.
In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, ("One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman addressed the nation from the Japanese peace treaty conference in San Francisco in the first live, coast-to-coast television broadcast.
In 1962, The Beatles, with their new drummer, Ringo Starr, recorded "Love Me Do" at EMI Studios in London. (The more familiar version with substitute drummer Andy White and Starr playing the tambourine was recorded a week later.)
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Today-------------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 81, Actor Kenneth Kimmins is 71, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 70, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 70, Actress Jennifer Salt is 68, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 63, Actress Judith Ivey is 61 and Rock musician Martin Chambers (The Pretenders) is 61.
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September 4th is: Another Look Unlimited Day and Newspaper Carrier Day.
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Quip for the day.........If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah.......
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The Medical Director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor told David, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".
David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry".
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In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.
In 1957, the novel "On the Road," by Jack Kerouac, was first published by Viking Press.
In 1972, terrorism struck the Munich Olympics as members of the Palestinian group Black September attacked the Israeli delegation: 11 Israelis, five guerrillas and a police officer were killed in the resulting siege.
In 1997, Mother Teresa died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.
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Today------Former Federal Reserve Board chairman Paul A. Volcker is 85, Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 83, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 80, Actor William Devane is 73, Actor George Lazenby is 73, Movie director Werner Herzog is 70, Singer Al Stewart is 67, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 66, College Football Hall-of-Famer jerry LeVias is 66, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 66, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 62, Actor Michael Keaton is 61, and (gulp) Actress Raquel Welch is 77.
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September 5th is: Be Late For Something Day.
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Quip for the day...........If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no calories.
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Larryj
Today's------------kids.........
The children were moving through line at the Sunday school picnic. There was a long table loaded with good food. There were salads and vegetables and side dishes and casseroles and lots more.
At the start of the line there was a big basket of apples, and one of the teachers had put a note in front of them that said, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching!"
At the other end of the line there was a plate piled high with chocolate chip cookies. One of the mischievous children had put a note in front of them that said, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
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In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. (McKinley died eight days later.)
In 1952, Canadian television broadcasting began in Montreal.
In 1972, a memorial service was held at the site of the Summer Olympics in Munich, West Germany, a day after the deadly terrorist attack that had claimed the lives of eleven Israelis and five of their abductors.
In 1997, a public funeral was held for Princess Diana at Westminster Abbey in London, six days after her death in a car crash in Paris.
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Today-------Comedian JoAnne Worley is 75, Country singer David Allan Coe is 73, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters is 69, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 68, Comedian-actress Jane Curtin is 65 and Country singer-songwriter Buddy Miller is 60.
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September 6th is: Coffee Ice Cream Day, Fight Procrastination Day, Iguana Awareness Day and Read A Book Day.
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Quip for the day........The future belongs to our children...........Today belongs to me.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops...........
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"
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In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensberry rules.
In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur was shot and mortally wounded on the Las Vegas Strip; he died six days later.
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Today-------------Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii, is 88, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 82, Actor Bruce Gray is 76, Singer Alfa Anderson (Chic) is 66, Actress Susan Blakely is 64, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 63, Actress Julie Kavner is 61 and Rock singer Chrisse Hynde (The Pretenders) is 61.
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September 7th is: Google Commemoration Day, Grandma Moses Day, National Lazy Moms Day, Neither Snow nor Rain Day and Salami Day.
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Quip for the day...........Laughter is like changing a diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
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Larryj
Today's----------well, okay........
Our dad used to take us to dinner of Wednesdays. We would go to various places, and he had a joke for each one.
I would ask him, in the car, "Where are we going?" He would say, "Ellie, we're going to the Swedish smorgasbord, because variety if the spice of life."
Another time I would ask him, "Where are we going?" He would say, "Ellie, we're going to Van de Kamps, because the windmills of my mind are calling me!"
(For those not familiar with Van de Kamps, the restaurants were designed to look like windmills which the windmill actually at one time did turn very slowly. (Van de Kamps restaurants are no longer in business around here.)
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In 1565, a Spanish expedition established the first permanent European settlement in North America at present-day St. Augustine, FL.
In 1935, Sen. Huey P. Long, D-La, was shot and mortally wounded inside the Louisiana State Capitol; he died two days later. (The assailant was identified as Dr. Carl Weiss, who was gunned down by Long's bodyguards.)
In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today-----Comedian Sid Caesar is 90, Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 72, Actor Alan Feinstein is 71, Pop singer Sal Valetino is 70, Author Ann Beattie is 65, Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 62 and Musician Will Lee is 60.
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September 8th is: International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day, World Physical Therapy Day and Farmers' Consumer Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.........Dieting is wishful shrinking.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah......
Here is one more important reason why we still need newspapers.
I was visiting at my daughter's house the other day and I asked her if I could see her newspaper.
She said, "Dad, this is the 21st century. Don't be so old-fashioned. I don't read newspapers. Here, you can use my IPad.
I can tell you THIS for sure..............that fly never knew what hit him.
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In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since the Reconstruction.
In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, NY, beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.
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Today-----Actress Sylvia Miles is 78, Actor Topol is 77, R&B singer Luther Simmons is 70, Singer Inez Foxx is 70, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 67, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 66, Country singer Freddy Weller is 65, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 63, Rock musician John McFee is 62, Actor Tom Wopat is 61 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 60.
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September 9th is: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder Day, International Lace Day, National Grandparents Day, National Hug Your Hound Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.
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Quip for the day........It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
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Larryj
Today's-------Hmm.....
A man and a woman meet at a party and begin talking to each other. They have a few drinks together and after a while, a physical attraction develops. After a few more drinks, the woman asks the man if he would like to go back to her apartment with her. He agrees and they go to her place.
When he walks in, he sees a bedroom full of stuffed animals and fluffy toys all over the room.......on the bed, hanging on the walls and filling up all the shelves. He thinks, "Wow, this woman really loves stuffed toys and stuffed animals." But he puts that aside as they prepare for a night of passion.
When they are finished with their love-making, he asks, "Was it good for you? How did I do?
She replies, "Well, it was okay. You can have your choice of anything on the bottom shelf."
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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.
In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.
In 1912, the jungle character Tarzan made his debut as "Tarzan of the Apes" by Edgar Rice Burroughs. It was first published in the All-Story magazine. (The novel was published in book form in 1914.)
In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George Wallace.
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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 83, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 81, Country singer Tommy Overstreet is 75, Actor Greg Mullavey is 73, Singer Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night) is 70, Singer Jose Feliciano is 67, Actor Tom Ligon is 67, Actress Judy Geeson is 64, Former Canadian first lady Margaret Trudeau is 64, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 63 and Rock musician Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 62.
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September 10th is: National Boss/Employee Exchange Day, Swap Ideas Day and (Worlds) Suicide Prevention Day.
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Quip for the day............I laugh so hard sometimes the tears run down my leg.
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Larryj
Today's------ouch......
"You seem to be in a good mood today, Carol," observed one of her friends at the afternoon meeting of the Women's Club.
"Oh, I am," Carol replied. "I started out my day with a selfless act of charity, and that always makes me feel good about myself."
Her friend said, "How lovely. What was your act of charity, dear, if you don't mind my asking."
Carol replied, "My husband and I went to the coffee place, and I gave $20 to a bum."
Her friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of money to give to a bum. What did your husband say?"
Carol answered, "Oh, he was all for it. He said, 'Thank you very much."'
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In 1777, during the American Revolution, forces under Gen. George Washington were defeated by the British in the Battle of Brandywine.
In 1936, Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) began operation as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a key in Washington to signal the startup of the dam's first hydroelectric generator.
In 2001, nearly 3,000 people were killed on America's worst day of terrorism as 19 al-Qaida terrorists hijacked four passenger jetliners. Two planes smashed into New York's World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in Western Pennsylvania.
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Today------Movie director Brian De Palma is 72, Rock singer-musician Jack Ely (The Kingsmen) is 69, Rock musician Mickey Hart (The Dead) is 69, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 67, Actor Phillip Alford is 64 and Actress Amy Madigan is 62.
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September 11th is: Libraries Remember Day, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day.....Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it.......in a convertible.
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Larryj
Today's--------huh?......
The well-traveled businesswoman had just enjoyed a superb meal at a popular little Italian restaurant in Los Angeles.
She summoned the chef to pay her compliments.
"Your cuisine is as good as any in Italy itself," she told him.
He bowed and thanked her kindly.
She continued, "Frankly, your eggplant Parmesan is better than what I had in Rome last week."
The chef replied, proudly, "Well, it's no wonder. They use domestic cheese. We use imported!"
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In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese national to fly on a U.S. spaceship.
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Today-------Actor Dickie Moore is 87, Actor Freddie Jones is 85, Country singer George Jones is 81, Actor Ian Holm is 81, Actress Linda Gray is 72, Singer Maria Muldaur is 70, Actor Joe Panteliano is 61, Singer-musician Gerry Beckley is 60 and Rock musician Neil Peart is 60.
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September 12th is: Video Games Day.
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Quip for the day.........I can understand your anger at me, but what do you have against the horse I rode in on?
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Larryj
Today's------haha........
I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket next to a hot convertible. As I watched, a beautiful woman came out of a store and confronted the cop. She said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored her and put the ticket under the windshield wiper. She called him a no-neck jerk. He glared at her, then started writing another ticket. "Your tires are worn," he said to her. She called him a gutless baby. He put the second ticket on the windshield with the first, then started writing a third one. "You have a broken tail light," he said to her. She called him a low life worm.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more she abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
When he left, I went up to the woman and said, "Wow, that's a lot of tickets."
She said, "I don't care. My car is parked around the corner."
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In 1788, the Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election and declared New York City the temporary national capital.
In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.
In 1962, Mississippi Governor Ross Barnett rejected the U.S. Supreme Court's order for the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith, a black student, declaring in a televised address, "We will not drink from the cup of genocide."
In 1970, the first New York City Marathon was held; winner Gary Muhrcke finished the 26.2-mile run, which took place entirely inside Central Park, in 2:31:38.
In 1993, at the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO chairman Yasser Arafat shook hands after signing an accord granting limited Paletinian autonomy.
In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur died at a Las Vegas hospital six days after he was wounded in a drive-by shooting; he was 25.
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Today---------Actress Barbara Bain is 81, Actress Eileen Fulton is 79, Actor Richard Kiel is 73, Rock singer David Clayton-Thomas is 71, Singer Peter Cetera is 68, Actress Christine Estabrook is 62, Record producer Don Was is 60 and Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 68.
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September 13 is: International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day and National Celiac Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
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Larryj
Today's--------uh oh.....
A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by one of those automated police cameras. In the mail, a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60.
Instead of submitting payment of the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills.
Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside, he finds a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.
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In 1814, Francis Scott Key was moved to write a poem after witnessing how an American flag flying over Maryland's Fort McHenry withstood a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; the poem, "Defence of Fort McHenry" later became the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner."
In 1861, the first naval engagement of the Civil War took place as the USS Colorado attacked and sank the Confederate private schooner, Judah, off Pensacola, Florida.
In 1901, President William McKinley died in Buffalo, NY, of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.
In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly actress Grace Kelly, died at age 52 of injuries from a car crash the day before.
In 1986, President Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, appeared together on radio and television to appeal for a "national crusade" against drug abuse.
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Today----Actress Zoe Caldwell is 79, Feminist author Kate Millet is 78, Actor Walter Koenig is 76, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Larry Brown is 72, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 68, Actor Sam Neill is 65, Singer Jon "Bowzer" Bauman is 65 and Rock musician Ed King is 63.
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September 14th is: National Kreme Filled Donut Day and Stand Up To Cancer Day.
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Quip for the day........Never insult a police officer while they are doing a body cavity search.
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Larryj
Today's-------right on.....
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.
In 1862, Cofederate forces captured Harpers Ferry during the Civil War.
In 1887, the city of Philadelphia launched a three-day celebration of the 100th anniversary of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1950, during the Korean conflict, United Nations forces landed at Inchon in the south and began their drive toward Seoul.
In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually covicted for their roles in the blast.)
In 1972, a federal grand jury in Washington indicted seven men in connection with the Watergate break-in.
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Today-----Actor Forrest Compton is 87, Comedian Norm Crosby is 85, Actor Henry Darrow is 79, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 74, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 67, Writer-director Ron Shelton is 67, Movie director Oliver Stone is 66, Rock musician Kelly keagy (Night Ranger) is 60 and Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 66.
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September 15th is: Big Whopper Liar Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy, International Dot Day, Boys' and Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Puppy Mill Awareness Day and Rsponsible Dog Ownership Day.
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Quip for the day.........You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
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Larryj
Today's--------old, but still funny.........
The elderly lady carefully navigated her Mercedes Benz toward the one remaining parking spot at a fashionable shopping mall. But a young woman in a sports car came out of nowhere and zipped into the spot, cutting her off.
She rolled down her window and yelled at the girl, "That's just rude. Why did you do that?"
The young woman, getting out of her car, shouted cheerfully, "It's what you can do when you're young and fast!"
The old lady, furious, backed up her car, then plowed it into the young woman's car with great force, causing extensive damage.
The young woman, shocked, cried out, "Why did you do that?!"
The old lady replied, "It's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
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In 1857, the song "Jingle Bells" by James Pierpont was copyrighted by its original title, "One Horse Open Sleigh." (The song, a Christmastime perennial, was actually written by Pierpont for Thanksgiving.)
In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act.
In 1972, "The Bob Newhart Show" premiered on CBS.
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Today-----Actress Janis Paige is 90, Actress Lauren Bacall is 88, Clergyman-author Rev. Robert H. Schuller is 86, Actor George Chakiris is 80, Actress Linda Miller is 70, Actress Susan Ruttan is 64, Rock musician Ron Blair is 64, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 63, Country singer David Bellamy is 62 and Blues singer B.B. King is 87.
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September 16th is: Anne Bradstreet Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day, Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day and Wife Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day........Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
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Larryj
Today's-----oops.....
A career salesman finally was able to retire, move to Wyoming, and start the cattle ranch of his dreams.
One day, he was showing it off to a visiting former colleague.
"This is fantastic," the friend said. "Imagine you with your own ranch! Have you given it a name yet?"
"Well, that was a tough one," the neophyte rancher said. "I couldn't decide between several choices, so I ended up calling it the Lazy R Double Diamond Crooked W Rocking H Flying U Ranch."
"Wow, and how many heads of cattle do you own?" the friend asked.
The rancher replied, "Unfortunately, the cows all died. They didn't survive the branding."
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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
In 1862, more than 3,600 men were killed, many more wounded, captured or left missing, in the Civil War Battle of Antietam in Maryland; although the battle itself proved inconclusive, it effectively halted the Confederates' advance into Maryland.
In 1962, U.S. space officials announced the selection of nine new astronauts, including Neil A. Armstrong, who became the first man to step onto the moon.
In 1986, the Senate confirmed the nomination of William H. Rehnquist to become the 16th chief justice of the United States.
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Today----Actor David Huddleston is 82, Retired Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter is 73, Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni (ret.) is 69, Actress Cassandra Peterson ("Elvira, Mistress of the Dark") is 61 and Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 67.
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September 17th is: Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, Rosh Hashana, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxillary Day.
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Quip for the day...........Marriage is a relationship where one is always right and the other is the husband.
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Larryj
Today's---------late, Dr. appointment, grandchildren, excuses, excuses.......
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is interrupted constantly by acquaintances who approach the doctor, describe various ailments, and ask him for free medical advice.
Finally, the exasperated doctor says to the lawyer, "What do you do when people ask you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor is taken aback. "Really?" he says.
But he thinks about it. The next day he prepares bills for everyone at the party who asked him for advice. Still feeling a little guilty, he takes his bills to his mailbox.
When he opens it, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
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In 1793, President George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.
In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to their owners.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a commission naming Rabbi Jacob Frankel of Rodeph Shalom Congregation in Philadelphia the first Jewish Chaplain of the U.S. Army.
In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.
In 1947, the National Security Act, which created a National Military Establishment, went into effect.
In 1961, United Nations Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjold was killed in a plane crash in northern Rhodesia.
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1990, the city of Atlanta was named the site of the 1996 Summer Olympics.
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Today------Singer Jimmie Rodgers is 79, Actor Robert Blake is 79, Actor Fred Willard is 73, Singer Frankie Avalon is 72 and Basketball coach Rick Pitino is 60.
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September 18th is: Air Force Birthday, Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.
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Quip for the day.........Do you ever wonder what the other 312,780,968 + people in America are doing right this very minute?
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Larryj
Today's----yep...........
It had been a bad year for the businessman. He had suffered through a number of financial reversals, and also several bouts of bad health.
In fact, his health had deteriorated to the point where he now was on his deathbed. He called his business partner and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"Of course," his friend said. "And what would you like me to do with the ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and send them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says: Now you have everything."
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In 1881, the 20th president of the United States, James A. Garfield, died 2 1/2 months after being shot by Charles Guiteau; Chester Alan Arthur became president.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.
In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier," in the Nevada desert.
In 1962, the Western TV series "The Virginian" debuted on NBC.
In 1970, the situation comedy "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.
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Today-------TV host James Lipton is 86, Actress Rosemary Harris is 85, Actor David McCallum is 79, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 72, Singer Bill Medley is 72, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 67, Former NFL running back Larry Brown is 65, Actor Jeremy Irons is 64, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 63, TV personality Joan Lunden is 62, Actor Scott Colomby is 60 and Musician-producer Nile Rodgers is 60.
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September 19th is: National Women Road Warrior Day and Talk Like A Pirate Day.
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Quip for the day......Someday we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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Larryj
Today's-----doesn't say blonde joke, but.......
Well, it was her first car. Maybe that's the explanation.
She had no trouble with it during the day. It performed perfectly.
At night, however, it wouldn't move. It would start up just fine, but it wouldn't budge an inch.
Finally, after a week of frustration, she drove it to the dealer and complained. A technician checked it out and found nothing wrong with it. He asked her, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
She said, impatiently, "Of course I am using the right gears. I use D during the day and N at night.
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In 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest. (Curry was later found mentally incompetent.)
In 1962, James Meredith, a black student, was blocked from enrolling at the University of Mississippi by Democratic Gov. Ross R. Barnett. (Meredith was later admitted.)
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Today------Singer Gogi Grant is 88, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 83, Actress Sophia Loren is 78, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Taylor is 77, Rock musician Chuck Panozzo is 65, Actor Tony Denison is 63, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 61 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 61.
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September 20th is: National Punch Day, First Railroad Station opened and National Farm Safety Day.
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Quip for the day........If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect..........why practice?
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Larryj
Today's------hah......
The elderly spinster died and left a long letter of instructions for her memorial service.
The funeral director read it with great interest. One paragraph in particular caught his eye.
It read:
"No male pallbearers, please, under any circumstances. They wouldn't take me out when I was alive, so they shouldn't be allowed to take me out now!"
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In 1897, the New York Sun ran its famous editorial, written anonymously by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, the is a Santa Claus."
In 1912, magician Harry Houdini first publicly performed his so-called "Chinese Water Torture Cell" trick at the Circus Busch in Berlin, escaping after being immersed upside-down in a vertical water tank, his ankles secured in a set of stocks which made up the tank lid, which was locked into place.
In 1912, legendary cartoon animator Chuck Jones was born in Spokane, Washington.
In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien, was first published.
In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" made its debut on ABC-TV. The Cleveland Browns defeated the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.
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Today-------Actor Larry Hagman is 81, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 78, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 71, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 69, Musician Don Felder is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Artis Gilmore is 63 and Author Stephen King is 65.
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September 21st is: National POW/MIA Recognition Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.
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Quip for the day.......Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning; other times I let her sleep in.
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Larryj
Today's-----------got it.......
It's broad daylight on a country road. Sheriff pulls up behind a guy who is unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch.
Sheriff activates his light bar, steps out of the patrol car, ticket book in hand, and approaches the litter bug. He says, "Sir, what are you doing? Can't you read that sign right over your head?"
The guy said, "Yes, sir, and that's why I stopped here."
Sign says................. FINE FOR DUMPING TRASH.
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In 1776, during the Revoluntionary War, Capt. Nathan Hale, 21, was hanged as a spy by the British in New York.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamatiion, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
In 1927, Gene Tunney successfully defended his heavyweight boxing title against Jack Dempsey in the famous "long-count" fight in Chicago.
In 1961, the Interstate Commerce Commission issued rules prohibiting racial discrimination on interstate buses.
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Today-------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 70, Musician King Sunny Ade is 66, Actor Paul Le Mat is 66, Capt. Mark Phillips is 64, Rock singer David Coverdale (Deep Purple) is 61 and Baseball Hall-of-Fame manager Tommy Lasorda is 85.
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September 22nd is: (Hold on)........International Day Of Peace, American Business Women's Day, Car Free Day, Dear Diary Day, Elephant Appreciation Day, Hobbit Day, Ice Cream Cone Day, International Day of Radiant Peace, National Centenarian's Day, National White Chocolate Day, AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Fish Amnesty Day, Kids Day (Kiwanis Club), National Hunting and Fishing Day and R.E.A.D. In America Day. (Also the first of day of Fall.)
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Quip for the day.........If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one........
These bums are getting a little too comfortable, in my opinion.
I saw one the other day. He had stretched out and made himself comfortable on a park bench. He was enjoying a nice nap.
There was a scribbled sign on the sidewalk in front of him next to a tin can. He had written, "Sleeping. Do not disturb by dropping coins. Leave paper money only. God bless."
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In 1779, during the Revolutionary War, the American warship Bon Homme Richard, commanded by John Paul Jones, defeated the HMS Serapis in battle.
In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.
In 1957, nine black students who'd entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white angry mob outside.
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Today------Actor Mickey Rooney is 92, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 89, Singer Julio Iglesias is 69, Actor Paul Peterson ("The Donna Reed Show") is 67, Actress-singer Mary Kay Place is 65 and Rock star Bruce Springsteen is 63.
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September 23rd is: Innergize Day, Celebrate Bi-sexuality Day and Restless Legs Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day........I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. --Stephen Wright.
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Larryj
Today's---------aha........
It was one of those "speed dating" things, so she came right to the point.
"Do you smoke?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
"Do you drink?"
"Never."
"Do you gamble?"
"I do not."
"Do you have a temper?"
"Absolutely not."
"Do you cheat?"
"Not once in my life."
She looked at him, searchingly, then reached over and touched his hand. "So you are telling me that you have no vices at all?" she asked.
He replied, "Well, I'm a chronic liar."
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In 1869, thousands of businessmen were ruined in a Wall Street panic known as "Black Friday" after financiers Jay Gould and James Fisk attempted to corner the gold market.
In 1890, the president of the Church of Latter Day Saints, Wilford Woodruff, wrote a manifesto renouncing the practice of polygamy, or plural marriage. (The manifesto was formally accepted by the Mormon Church the following month.)
In 1934, Babe Ruth made his farewell appearance as a player with the New York Yankees in a game against the Boston Red Sox. (The Sox won, 5-0.)
In 1991, children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as "Dr. Suess," died in La Jolla at age 87.
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Today----Actor-singer Herb Jeffries is 101, Actress Sheila MacRae is 88, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sammy Turner (The Platters) is 73, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 72, Singer Phyllis "Jiggs" Allbut (The Angels) is 70, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 70, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 66, Actor Gordon Clapp is 64 and News anchor Lou Dobbs is 67.
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September 24th is: Family Day -- A Day To Eat Dinner With The Kids, Punctuation Day and Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving.
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Quip for the day........Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Larryj
Today's----------zzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
The preacher was about halfway into his sermon when he noticed a man stand up and leave. He also noticed, later, when the man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward, the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"Why didn't you do that before the service?" the preacher asked.
"Because I didn't need one then," the man said.
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In 1957, nine black students who had been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the Army's 101st Airborne Division.
In 1981, Sandra Day O'Conner was sworn in as the first female justice of the Supreme Court.
In 1992, the Mars Observer blasted off on a $980 million mission to the red planet. The probe disappeared just before entering Martian orbit in August 1993.
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Today-----Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 83, Folk singer Ian Tyson is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Joe Russell is 73, Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 69, Actor Josh Taylor is 69, Actor Robert Walden is 69, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 65, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 63, Actor-director Anson Williams is 63, Actor Mark Hamill is 61, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob McAdoo is 61, Polka Bandleader Jimmy Sturr is 61 and Actor Colin Friels is 60.
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September 25th is: Math Story Telling Day, National Voter Regristration Day, National Woman Road Warrior Day, (Worlds) Ataxia Awareness Day, National One-Hit Wonder Day and Yom Kippur.
_______________________________________
Quip for the day--------Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.........
It was the much-anticipated football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were winning by a wide margin, but during the second half, the little animals sent in a new player, a centipede.
The big animals had the ball. On the first play, the centipede stopped the elephant for no gain. On the second play, the centipede threw down the rhino at the line of scrimmage. On the third play, the centipede stopped the hippo for a big loss in the backfield. The big animals called a timeout.
"Sheesh, that centipede is killing us." the hippo told the coach. The coach said, "He's good. I've seen him before."
"Where was he during the first half?" the rhino asked.
The coach answered, "Getting his shoes on."
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In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States secretary of state; John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.
In 1892, John Philip Sousa and his newly formed band performed publicly for the first time, at the Stillman Music Hall in Plainfield, NJ.
In 1937, the radio drama "The Shadow," starring Orson Welles, premiered on the Mutual Broadcasting System.
(Where is "The Shadow" anyway? Haven't seen any postings from him.)
In 1955, following word that President Dwight D. Eisenhower had suffered a heart attack, the New York Stock Exchange saw its worse price decline since 1929.
In 1960, the first-ever televised debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.
In 1962, "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiered on CBS.
In 1990, the Motion Picture Association of America announced it had created a new rating, NC-17, to replace the X rating.
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Today--------Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 87, Actor Philip Bosco is 82, Actress Donna Douglas is 80, Actor Richard Herd is 80, South African nationalist Winnie Madikizela-Mandella is 76, Country singer David Frizzell is 71, Actor Kent McCord is 70, Television host Anne Robinson is 68, Singer Bryan Ferry is 67, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 66, Singer Lynn Anderson is 65, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 64 and Actor James Keane is 60.
(Sadly, Andy Williams has passed away, at age 84, of bladder cancer.)
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September 26th is: Johnny Appleseed Day, National Women's Health and Fitness Day, Shamu the Whale Day and National Maritime Day.
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Quip for the day.....People who claim they don't let the little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog. This dog can play the piano!"
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner. "If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"
The guy sits the dog on the piano bench, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart -- He even takes requests. The bartender and the patrons are loving it.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist."
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In 1862, during the Civil War, the Union Army's first all-black regiment, the self-described "Chasseurs d'Afrique" (Hunters of Africa) was formed in New Orleans.
In 1954, "Tonight!" hosted by Steve Allen, made its debut on NBC-TV.
In 1964, the goivernment released the report of the Warren Commission, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald had acted alone in assassinating President John F. Kennedy.
In 1979, Congress gave its final approval to forming the U.S. Department of Education.
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Today----Actress Jayne Meadows is 92, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 79, Actor William Brimley is 78, Actor Claude Jarman Jr. is 78, Author Barbara Howar is 78, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 73, Rock singer-musician Randy Bachman is 69, Rock singer Meat Loaf is 65, Actress Liz Torres is 65, Actor A Martinez is 64, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 63 and Actor Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is 62.
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September 27th is: Ancestor Appreciation Day, Gay Men's HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Google's Birthday and World Tourism Day.
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Quip for the day.......Don't be pessimistic. It won't work anyway.
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Larryj
Today's------old, probably a repeat, still funny.....
Two health nuts, newly arrived in heaven, are walking along in silent awe at the wonderous beauty of everything they see.
Finally, one of them speaks, "Look at this!" he says. "I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"
The other one just shakes his head.
They keep walking.
After awhile, the first guy says, "You're happy, right?"
The second guy sighs, and replies, "Oh, sure. I'm happy. But just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran, we could have been here ten years ago."
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In 1066, William the Conqueror (my ancestor) invaded England to claim the English throne.
In 1542, Portuguese navigator Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego.
In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.
In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds. (All were acquitted at trial, but all eight were banned from the game for life.)
In 1962, a federal appeals court found Mississippi Gov. Ross Barnett in civil contempt for blocking the admission of James Meredith, a black student, to the University of Mississippi. (Federal marshals escorted Meredith onto the campus two days later.)
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Today-------Actress Brigitte Bardot is 78, Singer Ben E. King is 74, Actor Joel Higgins is 69, Singer Helen Shapiro is 66, Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 62 and Actress Sylvia Kristel is 60.
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September 28th is: Ask A Stupid Question Day, Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Hug A Vegetarian Day, Love Note Day, National Good Neighbor Day, National Walk To Work Day and Save The Koala Day.
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Quip for the day.......The advantage to exercising everyday is that you die healthier.
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Larryj
How are you related to William? I've been to both Hastings and Battle. Both are very interesting, some very high cliffs there.
Diane, according to the Fitz Randolph family history, their name goes back over 20+ generations with variations of spelling (Rufus, Ribald, Ranuff, etc.) and are linked to William the Conqueror by marriage. The earliest Fitz Randolph in America was Edward Fitz Randolph arriving here in 1630. Several generations later, Mary Ann Fitz Randolph married an Andrews, hence my mother's family. Amos Andrews came to Elk County around 1885. That is the short story. The title of Duke of Normany was passed down for many generations until one time when there were no male heirs. William was descended from a Viking named Rolf who settled in the Normandy region of France c. 860 or so, and his descendants eventually came to power there. King Edward of England had promised William the title of King when he died. That didn't happen causing William to invade and conquer England. There are thousands of Fitz Randolph related descendants of Edward including Mom7x70 and a few others on this forum.
Larryj
That is very interesting.Thank you!
Today's-----from the archives.......
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly."
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."
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In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.
In 1907, the foundation stone was laid for the Washington National Cathedral, which wasn't fully completed until this date in 1990.
In 1957, the New York Giants played their last game at the Polo Grounds, losing to the Pittsburgh Priates, 9-1.
In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. (To date, the case remains unsolved.)
In 2005, John G. Roberts Jr. was sworn in as the nation's 17th chief justice after winning Senate confirmation.
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Today-----Actress Lizabeth Scott is 90, Actor Steve Forrest is 87, Conductor Richard Bonynge is 82, Actress Anita Ekberg is 81, Writer-director Robert Benton is 80, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 77, Actor Ian McShane is 70, Television-film composer Mike Post is 68, Actress Patricia Hodge is 66 and TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 64.
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September 29th is: Family Health And Fitness Day, National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, National Coffee Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, VFW Day and World Heart Day.
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Quip for the day.......Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Larryj
Today's----must be seniors day........
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok. I complied and did just as she had instructed.
When the shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card for payment.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.
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In 1777, the Continental Congress -- forced to flee in the face of advancing British forces -- moved to York, Pennsylvania.
In 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether as an anesthetic for the first time as he extracted an ulcerated tooth from merchant Eben Frost.
In 1954, the first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, was commissioned by the Navy.
In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame.
In 1962, James Meredith, a black student, was escorted by federal marshalls to the campus of the University of Mississippi, where he enrolled for classes the next day; Meredith's presence sparked rioting that claimed two lives.
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Today-------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 84, Actress Angie Dickinson is 81, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 69, Pop singer Sylvia Peterson is 66, Actor Vondie Curtis-Hall is 62, Actress Victoria Tennant is 62 and Singer Johnny Mathis is 77.
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September 30th is: Blasphemy Day and Gold Star Mother's Day.
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Quip for the day.........You are old when you find yourself singing along with the elevator music.
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Larryj
And here I thought it was stripe down. 8)
Today's-----celebrity one-liners........
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap........Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress........Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptaion. As you grow older, it will avoid you........Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.......Billy Crystal
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In 1861, during the Civil War, the Confederate navy captured the Union steamer Fanny in North Carolina's Pamlico Sound.
In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.
In 1910, the offices of the Los Angeles Times were destroyed by a bomb explosion and fire; 21 Times employees were killed.
In 1962, Johnny Carson debuted as host of NBC's "Tonight Show," beginning a nearly 30-year run. After being introduced to the audience by Groucho Marx, Carson received his first guests, actor-singer Rudy Vallee, Actress Joan Crawford, Singer Tony Bennett and Comedian Mel Brooks.
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Today---------Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 67, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 66, Actor Stephen Collins is 65, Actress Yvette Freeman is 62, Actor Randy Quaid is 62 and Former President of the United States Jimmy Carter is 88.
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October 1st is: CD Player Day, Child Health Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day of Older Persons, Model T Day, National Lace Day, World Day of Bullying Prevention/Blue Shirt Day, World Habitat Day and World Vegetarian Day.
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Quip for the day........Definitiion of the word G.O.L.F.............Getting Old and Living Fine.
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Larryj
Today's----------yep......
Sometimes, I think my doctor has a cruel streak. On the other hand, I may be giving him way too much credit. I'm not sure.
Several weeks ago, I had a bad accident. I hurt my leg.
The doctor told me not to worry. He would have me up and walking in no time, he said.
It was true.
I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
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In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M.. Schulz, was sydicated to seven newspapers.
In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice to the U.S. Supreme Court as the court opened its new term.
In 1971, the music program "Soul Train" made its debut in national syndication.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverly Hills at age 59 after battling AIDS.
In 2002, the Washington, D.C. area sniper attacks began; the next day, five people were shot dead, setting off a frantic manhunt lasting three weeks. (John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo were finally arrested for 10 killings and three woundings; Muhammad was executed in 2009; Malvo was sentenced to life in prison.)
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Today----Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 80, Singer-sonwriter Don McLean is 67, Actor Avery Brooks is 64, Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 64, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 63, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis, Mike and the Mechanics) is 62 and Singer-actor Sting is 61.
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October 2nd is: Guardian Angels Day, International Day of Nov-violence, National Custodial Worker's Day, Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, Techies Day and World Farm Animals Day.
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Quip for the day......An apple a day keeps the doctor away.............An onion a day keeps everyone else away.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah....
The Texas rancher was visiting the model colony farms in Israel. His Israeli guide showed him around. At one point, the guide said with great pride, "This is my farm!"
The Texan smiled indulgently and said, "This is all your land?"
The guide grinned and said, "It's all mine!"
The Texan said, "Well, I can wake up before the sun rises, get on my horse and ride all day until the sun sets, and I'd only be halfway across my land."
The guide, totally misunderstanding the Texan's point, said with great sympathy, "I'm so sorry, sir. Here, we have much better horses than that."
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In 1789, President George Washington declared Nov. 26, 1789, a day of Thanksgiving to express gratitude for the creation of the United States of America.
In 1951, the New York Giants captured the National League pennant by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thompson hit a three-run homer off the Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."
In 1962, astronaut Wally Schirra became the fifth American to fly in space as he blasted off from Cape Canaveral aboard the Sigma 7 on a 9-hour flight.
In 1967, folk singer-songwriter Woody Guthrie died in New York at age 55.
In 1995, the jury in the O.J Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman. (However, Simpson was later found liable in a civil trial.)
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Today---------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Marques O. Haynes is 86, Composer Steve Reich is 76, Singer Alan O'Day is 72, Rock and Roll star Chubbie Checker is 71, Actor Alan Rachins is 70, Magician Roy Horn is 68, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 63, Jazz musician Ronnie Laws is 62, Blues singer Keb' Mo' is 61, Former astronuat Kathryn Sullivan is 61 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 61.
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October 3rd is: Balloons Around The World Day.
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Quip for the day.......24 hours in a day.........24 beers in a case.............coincidence?
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Larryj
Today's------yep....
A man can't win. He gets in trouble with the missus if he doesn't do what she asks him to do, and he also gets in trouble if he does exactly what she asks him to do.
An example:
Wife says to husband, "On your way home from work, can you stop by the store?"
Husband says, "Sure."
Wife says, "Buy a carton of milk. And, if they have avocados, get six."
Husband comes home that evening with six cartons of milk.
Wife says, sharply, "For pete's sake! Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
Husband protests, "They had avocados!"
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In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy," created by Chester Gould, made its debut.
In 1957, the Space Age began as the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.
In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.
In 1976, agriculture secretary Earl Butz resigned in the wake of a controversy over a joke he'd made about blacks.
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Today-------Country singer Leroy Van Dyke is 83, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Sam Huff is 78, Author Jackie Collins is 75, Author Roy Blount Jr. is 71, Author Ann Rice is 71, Actress Lori Saunders ("Petticoat Junctiion") is 71, Former baseball manager Tony La Russa is 68, Actor Clifton Davis is 67, Actor Armand Assante is 63 and Actor Alan Rosenberg is 62.
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October 4th is: Blessing Of The Animals Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, Ten-Four Day and World Animal Day.
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Quip for the day.....I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
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Larryj
That one reminds me of the humorist Jeanne Robertson's story of sending her husband (who she fondly calls "Left Brain") to the grocery store. If you're not familiar with her, check out some of her routines on YouTube.
Jeanne Robertson is one of my favorites.....
Today's------old, groaner........
Two dumb guys meet on a country road. One of them, Jethro, is carrying a big bag.
The other guy, Fester, asks, "What's that in the bag there?"
Jethro: "Chickens."
Fester: "Chickens! How many?"
Jethro: "Guess."
Fester: "OK, but if I guess right, can I have one of them?"
Jethro: "Heck fire, if you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Fester, scratching his head, "Uhhh----five?"
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In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Cofferyville, Kansas.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman delivered the first televised White House address as he spoke on the world food crisis.
In 1962, The Beatles first hit recording "Love Me Do" was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone Records.
In 1962, the first James Bond theatrical feature "Dr. No", starring Sean Connery as Agent 007 premiered in London.
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Today-----Actress Glynis Johns is 89, Comedian Bill Dana is 88, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Barry Switzer is 75, R&B singer Arlene Smith is 71, Singer-musician Steve Miller is 69, Actress Karen Allen is 61, Rock singer and famine-relief organizer Bob Geldof is 61 and Writer-producer-director Clive Barker is 60.
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October 5th is: Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day, Walk To School In The USA Day, World Smile Day and World Teacher's Day.
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Quip for the day.......I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.
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Larryj
Today's-----------one liners........
I was raised as an only child........which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh.
I took part in the Sun Tanning Olympics...........I took the bronze. Tim Vine.
Pornography is often frowned upon.........It's because we're concentrating. George Ryegold.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet........I don't know Y. Chris Turner
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together...........It was riveting! Stewart Francis.
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In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.
In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer," starring Al Jolson, a movie that featured both silent and sound-sychronized sequences.
In 1979, Pope John Paul II, on a week-long U.S. tour, became the first pontiff to visit the White House, where he was received by President Jimmy Carter.
In 1989, actress Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.
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Today-------Broadcaster and writer Melvyn Bragg is 73, Actress Britt Ekland is 70, Singer Millie Small is 66, Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 63, Musician Sid McGinnis is 63 and Rock singer Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon) is 61.
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October 6th is: Cephalopod Day, Ecological Debt Day, Inter-American Water Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day and World Card Making Day.
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Quip for the day.......(one liner, naturally)...........What happens if you get scared half to death............twice?
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
The henpecked husband walks into a bar, looking sad. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Oh, just a beer, I guess."
The bartender asks the man, "What's the matter? Why do you look so down?"
The man says, "Oh, my wife and I got into a big fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."
The bartender says, "I see what you mean. A month is a long time."
The man says, "Not long enough. The month is up tonight."
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In 1849, author Edgar Allan Poe died in Baltimore at age 40.
In 1982, the Andrew Lloyd Webber-Tim Rice musical "Cats" opened on Broadway. (The show closed September 10, 2000, after 7485 performances.)
In 1991, University of Oklahoma law professor Anita Hill publicly accused Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas of making sexually inappropriate comments when she worked for him; Thomas denied Hill's allegations.
In 1992, trade representatives of the United States, Canada and Mexico initialed the North American Free Trade Agreement during a ceremony in San Antonio, Texas.
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Today--------Retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 81, Former National Security Council aide Lt. Col. Oliver North (ret.) is 69, Rock musician Kevin Godley is 67, Actress Jill Larsen is 65, Country singer Kieran Kane is 63, Singer John Mellencamp is 61, Rock musician Ricky Phillips is 61, Actress Mary Badham is 60 and Comedian (TV: "The Voice") Joy Behar is 70.
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October 7th is: Change A Light Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, World Communion Day and You Matter To Me Day.
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Quip for the day.........The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
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Larryj
Today's----------smart......
The old miner was on his death bed. His much younger wife sat near him. Struggling to speak, he said, "Dear, I want you to promise that you'll bury me with all my money. I want to take it with me."
His wife said, dutifully, "I promise."
Later, the man died and the funeral was held. At its conclusion, the wife tucked a box into her husband's casket just before the lid was closed.
One of her girlfriends said to her, "I hope you didn't just put his money in there, like he asked you to do. I can't believe you agreed to that."
She said, "Yes, I honored my promise. That's the way I am."
Her friend said, "So, you really put every cent of his money in that casket?"
The wife said, "Yes, I did. I got it all together, put it into my account, then wrote him a check."
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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, and in several communities in Michigan.
In 1918, U.S. Army Cpl. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.
In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5, 2-0.
In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.
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Today--------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 76, Actor Paul Hogan is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Fred Cash (The Impressions) is 72, Civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 71, Comedian Chevy Chase is 69, Author R.L. Stine is 69, TV pesonality Sarah Purcell is 64 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 63.
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October 8th is: Alvin C. York Day, Columbus Day, Native American Day, National Depression Screening Day, National Kick Butt Day and National Pierogy Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you remember the sixties..........you weren't really there.
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Larryj
Today's-----courtesy of David Letterman.......
I'm walking to work, and it's a lovely day and I see one of those mime performers. So the mime is doing that famous routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a box.
So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box. And he finishes up, and, thank God, he wasn't really trapped in a box.
And I see on the sidewalk there, that he's got a little hat for money -- change, tips, donations, contributions.
So I go over and I pretend to put a dollar bill in his hat.
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In 1936, the first generator at Boulder (later Hoover) Dam began transmitting electricity to Los Angeles.
In 1940, rock and roll legend John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England.
In 1974, businessman Oskar Schindler, credited with saving about 1,200 Jews during the Holocaust, died in Frankfurt, West Germany. (At his request, he was buried in Jerusalem.)
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Today-----Actor Fyvush Finkel is 90, Rhythm-and-blues singer Nona Hendryx is 68, Singer Jackson Browne is 64, Actor Gary Frank is 62, Actor Richard Chaves is 61, Actor Robert Wuhl is 61 and Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourine is 60.
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October 9th is: Leif Erikson Day, National Chess Day, National Face Your Fears Day, National Pro-Life Cupcake Day and World Post Day.
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Quip for the day........My wife complained about not being wanted........so I went to the Post Office and put up her picture.
______________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------groaner.......
A turtle is walking down the sidewalk one day when he is set upon by a gang of snails.
They work him over, and then they work him over again. Then they take turns working him over. Then they all gang up and work him over some more. They work him over until they are exhausted, then finally they leave him beaten and confused in the grass next to the pavement.
Several hours later the turtle summons the strength to crawl to the police station and report the assault.
He is asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.
He replies, "I really can't tell you what they looked like. It all happened so fast."
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In 1911, California voters approved Proposition 4, giving women the right to vote, and Proposition 7, which established the initiative process for proposing and enacting new laws.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy, responding to the Thalidomide birth defects crisis, signed an amendment to the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act requiring pharmaceutical companies to prove that their products were safe and effective prior to marketing.
In 2002, The House voted 296-133 to give President George W. Bush the broad authority he'd sought to use military force against Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, with or without U.N. support.
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Today--------Former Illinois Senator Adlai Stevenson III is 82, Actor Peter Coyote is 71, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 66, Singer John Prine is 66, Actor Charles Dance is 66, Rock singer-musician Cyril Neville (The Neville Brothers) is 64, Actress Jessica Harper is 63 and Author Nora Roberts (aka "J.D. Robb") is 62.
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October 10th is: Emergency Nurses Day, International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day, Naval Academy Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.
_____________________________________
Quip for the day.......Those who live by the sword.........get shot by those who don't.
_____________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------"gotcha" joke......
The art collector sees a mangy cat drinking from a priceless saucer in front of a fancy antique shop. He sees his chance. He goes into the shop and offers to buy the cat. The owner says the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "I'll give you $20 for the cat."
The owner nods and takes the money.
The collector says, "Listen, for the $20, I wonder if you'd throw in that old saucer. The cat is used to it, and it'll save me having to buy a dish."
The owner says, "Sorry, that's my lucky saucer. I've sold 68 cats this week."
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In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington, D.C.
In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis, Missouri.
In 1968, Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham aboard.
In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.
In 1992, in the first of three presidential debates, three candidates faced off against each other in St. Louis, Missouri -- President George H.W. Bush, Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton and business man Ross Perot.
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Today-----------Author Elmore Leonard is 87, Actor Earle Hyman is 86, Former U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry is 85, Actor Ron Leibman is 75, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 70, Country singer Gene Watson is 69, R&B musician Andrew Woolfolk is 62, Actress-director Catlin Adams is 62 and Country singer Paulette Carlson is 61.
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October 11th is: General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Coming Out Day, Southern Food Heritage Day, World Egg Day and World Sight Day.
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Quip for the day........Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
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Larryj
Today's------old, still funny.......
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. You can't go there alone, I hear. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. From what I understand, no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. Fortunately, I have plenty of people to help me with that.
Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I seem to go there more often as I get older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimulus I can get.
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In 1492, (according to the Old Style calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.
In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from an Ohio jail, with the help of his gang who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.
In 1971, the rock opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway.
In 1997, singer John Denver was killed in the crash of his privately built aircraft in Monterey Bay; he was 52.
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Today--------Actress Antonia Rey is 85, Comedian-activist Dick Gregory is 80, Former Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, is 80, Singer Sam Moore (formerly of Sam and Dave) is 77, Broadcast journalist Chris Wallace is 65 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 62.
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October 12th is: Columbus Day (Traditional), Day Of The Six Billion, Fall Astronomy Day, Free Thought Day, International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day, National Family Bowling Day and Universal Music Day.
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Quip for the day.......The one who snores will fall asleep first.
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Larryj
Today's--------found this one......entitled "The Love Dress"...
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love Dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
"This is My Love Dress." She replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
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In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.
In 1792, the cornerstone of the executive mansion, later known as the White House, was laid during a ceremony in the District of Columbia.
In 1845, Texas voters ratified a state constitution.
In 1960, John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon held the third televised debate of their presidential campaign. (Nixon was in Los Angeles, Kennedy in New York.)
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Today-------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 87, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 74, Actress Melinda Dillon is 73, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 71, Actress Pamela Tiffin is 70, Actor Desmond Wilson is 66, Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 65 and Model Beverly Johnson is 60.
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October 13th is: English Language Day, Navy Birthday, National Costume Swap Day and National Chess Day.
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Quip for the day.........You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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Larryj
Today's-----I did this every day........
She thought it would make her sound smart, but it didn't work out the way she hoped.
During the job interview, she mentioned to the office manager that she was a whiz at solving crossword puzzles.
The manager smiled, indulgently, and said, "That's impressive. But we're looking for people who are smart duing office hours."
The applicant brightened. She said, "Oh, that's when I do crossword puzzles!"
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In 1912, former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive candidate, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee by New York saloonkeeper John Schrank. Despite the wound, Roosevelt went ahead with a scheduled speech, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."
In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1) rocket plane over Murac Dry Lake in California.
In 1964, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was named winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Today----Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 96, Actor Sir Roger Moore is 85, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 74, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 73, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 72, Actor Udo Kier is 68, Singer-musician Justin Hayward is 66 and Actor Harry Anderson is 60.
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Octorber 14th is: Clergy Appreciation Day, Be Bald and Be Free Day and National Kick Butt Day.
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Quip for the day......A pat on the back is only a few measley inches from a kick in the butt.
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Larryj
Today's--------labeled "true story"....
While sitting in the lobby of a nice hotel in San Diego, I observed the following:
A disheveled gentleman, apparently a denizen of the street, entered the lobby. The desk clerk spotted him and walked over quickly. Putting his arm around the old fellow's shoulder and turning back toward the door, the clerk said, in a kindly way, "Charlie, you know you're not supposed to come in here. And, by the way, I haven't seen you for a while. Where have you been?"
Charlie replied, matter of factly, "On vacation."
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In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.
In 1917, Dutch dance, Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.
In 1937, the Ernest Hemingway novel "To Have and Have Not" was first published by Charles Scribner's Sons.
In 1951, the classic sitcom "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS with the episode "The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub."
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Today------Former Auto executive Lee Iacocca is 88, Actress Linda Lavin is 75, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 67, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 66, Actor Victor Banerjee is 66 and Tennis player Roscoe Tanner is 61.
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October 15th is: International Day of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, White Cane Safety Day and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day..........I used to have a handle of life........but it broke.
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Larryj
Today's------oh no.........
The bachelor son invited his mother over to see his two new dogs. He told her, "I'll make dinner, too. We'll make an evening out of it."
When they sat down to eat, Mom noticed that the dishes were smeared and streaked. They looked filthy. "Have these ever been washed?" she asked.
Her son assured her, "They are as clean as soap and water can get them!"
Apprehensive, Mom filled her plate and started eating. The food was quite good, and she said so. She enjoyed the meal very much, in spite of the grimy plates, glasses and silverware.
Afterward, her son removed the dishes, put them on the floor, and whistled to the dogs: "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
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In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy was informed by national security adviser McGeorge Bundy that reconnaissance photographs had revealed the presence of missile bases in Cuba.
In 1987, a 58 1/2 hour drama in Midland, Texas, ended happily as rescuers freed Jessica McClure, an 18-month-old girl trapped in an abandoned well.
In 2011, The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial was formally dedicated in Washington, D.C.
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Today--------Actress Angela Lansbury is 87, Author Gunter Grass is 85, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 75, Actor Barry Corbin is 72, Rock musician C.F. Turner (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 69, Actress Suzanne Somers is 66, Rock singer-musician Bob Weir is 65, Producer-director David Zucker is 65, Actor Daniel Gerroll is 61, Actor Morgan Stevens is 61 and Actress Martha Smith is 60.
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October 16th is: Boss's Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, National Feral Cat Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, World Food Day, Hagfish Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Fossil Day and Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce.
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Quip for the day......Sign seen in a restaurant window: "EAT NOW --- PAY WAITER"
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. He asked, sternly, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken a pulse?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "Did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No."
Attornery: "So, how could you be sure, when you signed the death certificate, that the man was dead?"
Coroner: "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table. I was pretty certain he was dead. But I suppose it's possible he may still be able to practice law."
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In 1711, Jupiter Hammon, the first black poet to have his work published in America, was born in Long Island, NY, into a lifetime of slavery.
In 1807, Britain declared it would continue to reclaim British-born sailors from American ships and ports regardless of whether they held U.S. citizenship.
In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion. (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939.)
In 1973, Arab oil-producing nations announced they would begin cutting back exports to Western natiions and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.
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Today---------Actress Marsha Hunt is 95, Actress Julie Adams is 86, Country singer Earl Thomas Conley is 71, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Crofts) is 70, Singer Gary Puckett is 70, Actor Michael McKean is 65, Actress Margot Kidder is 64, Actor George Wendt is 64 and Actor-singer Bill Hudson is 63.
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October 17th is: Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day and Wear Something Gaudy Day.
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Quip for the day.......There are two kinds of lawyers ---- those that know the law and those that know the judge.
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Larryj
Today's-------for lack of anything better, some old puns......
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I use to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Velcro................what a ripoff!
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In 1912, black boxer Jack Johnson was arrested in Chicago, accused of violating the Mann Act because of his relationship with his white girlfriend, Lucille Cameron. (The case collapsed when Cameron refused to cooperate, but Johnson was later re-arrested and convicted on the testimony of a former mistress, Belle Schreiber.)
In 1962, James D. Watson, Francis Crick and Maurice Wilkins were honored with the Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine and Physiology for determining the double-helix molecular structure of DNA.
In 1971, the Knapp Commission began public hearings into allegations of corruption in the New York Police Department. The witnesses included Frank Serpico.
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Today----------Rock-and-roll performer Chuck Berry is 86, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 84, Actress Dawn Wells is 74, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Mike Ditka is 73, Singer-musician Russ Giguere is 69, Actress Pam Dawber is 62, Author Terry McMillan is 61 and Writer-producer Chuck Lorre is 60.
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October 18th is: Mammography Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day and World Menopause Day.
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Quip for the day............No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Larryj
Today's-------no offense, Jarhead........
On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who's calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does that make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If this is a commercial flight, it is 4 o'clock. If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1600 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 8 bells. If it is a Marine aircraft, Mickey's little hand is on the 4 and the big hand is on the 12. If it is an Air Force aircraft..............
It's almost Happy Hour.
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In 1781, British forces under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain foods.
In 1967, the U.S. space probe Mariner 5 flew past Venus.
In 1977, the supersonic Concorde made its first landing in New York City.
In 1982, automaker John Z. DeLorean was arrested by federal agents in Los Angeles, accused of conspiring to sell $24 million of cocaine to salvage his business. (DeLorean was acquitted on grounds of entrapment.)
In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points or 22.6 percent in value to close at 1,738.74.
In 1994, entertainer Martha Raye died in Los Angeles at age 78.
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Today------------Author John le Carre is 81, Artist Peter Max is 75, Author and critic Renata Adler is 74, Actor Sir Michael Gambon is 72, Actor John Lithgow is 67, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 67, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 67, Rock singer-musician Patrick Simmons is 64 and Talk show host Charlie Chase is 60.
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October 19th is: Evaluate Your Life Day and Sweetest Day.
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Quip for the day........If your enemy is within range........................................so are you.
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Larryj
Today's--------yep....
A man and his wife are having an argument about who should make the coffee.
The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first."
The husband replies, "You should do it, because I have other chores in the morning."
The wife insists, "You should do it, because it says so in the Bible."
The husband laughs and says, "Well, I certainly don't believe that!"
The wife fetches the family Bible, opens it to the New Testament, and hands it to her husband. She says, "What does it say there, at the top of the page?"
The husband looks, and reads, "Hebrews."
The wife smiles triumphantly and says, "That's right. He brews."
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In 1903, a joint commission ruled largely in favor of the U.S. in a boundary dispute between the District of Alaska and Canada.
In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore at Leyte in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."
In 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence and infiltration in the U.S. motion picture industry.
In 1967, seven men were convicted in Meridian, Mississippi, of violating the civil rights of three slain civil rights workers.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon signed into law the General Revenue Sharing Act, which allocated $30 billion over five years to state and local governments.
In 1981, a bungled armored truck robbery carried out by members of radical groups in Nanuet, NY, left a guard and two police officers dead.
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Today------Actor William Christopher is 80, Japan's Empress Michiko is 78, Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 75, Former actress Rev. Mother Dolores Hart is 74, Singer-songwriter Tom Petty is 62, Actor William "Rusty" Russ is 62 and Actress Melanie Mayron is 60.
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October 20th is: Information Overload Day and National Call-in For Health Reform.
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Quip for the day......I had some words with my wife.............she had some paragraphs for me.
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Larryj
Today's------ouch.......
I was walking with my grandson. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took it away from him and told him not to do that.
"Why?" he asked.
I replied, "Because it's been on the ground and it's dirty, and it probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys sick."
My grandson said, "Wow, Grandma, you know everything. You're smart."
I said, "That's right. All grandmas know their stuff. It's all on the Grandma Test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a Grandma."
My grandson thought for a moment, then said, "So, if you can't pass the Grandma Test, you have to be the Grandpa?"
"Exactly!"
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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.
In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, NJ.
In 1917, members of the 1st Division of the U.S. Army training in Luneville, France, became the first Americans to see action on the front lines of World War I.
In 1959, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York.
In 1962, the Seattle World's Fair closed after six months and nearly 10 million visiters. (President John F. Kennedy, scheduled to attend the closing ceremony, canceled because of what was described as a "head cold"; the actual reason turned out to be the Cuban Missile Crisis.)
In 1991, Amercan hostage Jesse Turner was freed by his kidnappers in Lebanon after nearly five years in captivity.
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Today----Actress Joyce Randolph is 88, Author Ursula K. Le Guin is 83, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 72, Musician Steve Cropper is 71, Singer Elvin Bishop is 70, TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 70, Actor Everett McGill is 67 and Musician Lee Loughnane is 66.
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October 21st is: National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, World Toy Camera Day, Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day and Reptile Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day............Children's Lesson #1: If you are going to draw on the wall........do it behind the couch.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but I really like this one.....
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"
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In 1746, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.
In 1883, the original Metropolitan Opera House in New York held its grand opening with a performance of Gounod's "Faust."
In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy delivered a nationally broadcast address in which he publicly revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba and announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment being shipped to the Communist island nation.
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Today---------Actress Joan Fontaine is 95, Black Panthers co-founder Bobby Seale is 76, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 74, Actress Annette Funicello is 70, Movie director Jan de Bont is 69, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 69 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 60.
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October 22nd is: National Clear Your Virtual Desktop Day and International Stuttering Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day......Next month, November, is when we close our eyes, bow our heads and give thanks for the turkeys we are about to receive..............................................then we vote.
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Larryj
Today's-----------ouch......
A vampire bat, covered with blood, returned to the cave from his night of hunting, and parked himself on the ceiling to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in.
"Okay, follow me," he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a dense forest.
Finally, the blood-covered bat slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the other bats screamed in anticipation.
"Good," the blood-covered bat said, "because I didn't!"
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In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.
In 1983, 241 U.S. service members, most of them Marines, were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack on French forces killed 58 paratroopers.
In 1995, a jury in Houston convicted Yolanda Saldivar of murdering Tejano singing star Selena. (Saldivar is serving a life prison sentence.)
In 2002, President George W. Bush signed the biggest military spending increase since Ronald Reagan's administration --- a $355.5 billion package.
In 2007, evacuations due to out-of-control wildfires in Southern Califronia topped 500,000; President George W. Bush declared a federal emergency for seven counties.
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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Senator Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 81, Movie director Philip Kaufman is 76, Soccer great Pele is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Barbara Ann Hawkins (The Dixie Cups) is 69 and Actor Michael Rupert is 61.
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October 23rd is: IPod Day, National Mole Day, Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day and TV Talk Show Host Day (Johnny Carson's birthday.)
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Quip for the day............Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah....
I work for an orthopedic surgeon. One day we moved to a new building and the whole staff pitched in to help.
I took the surgeon's demonstration skeleton and sat it in the passenger seat. It was the most practical way to transport it.
Of course, during the drive across town, the skeleton attacted plenty of attention -- especially during stops at traffic lights.
During one exceptionally long light, I grew impatient with the stares coming from the car next to me. i rolled down my window and shouted, "I'm taking him to the doctor's office!"
The driver of the other car rolled down his window and shouted back, "I think you're too late!"
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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by Western Union Telegraph Company.
In 1901, widow Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.
In 1962, a naval quarantine of Cuba ordered by President John F. Kennedy went into effect during the missile crisis; the blockade was aimed at interdicting the delivery of offensive weapons to the island.
In 1972, Hall-of-Famer Jackie Robinson, who'd broken Major League Baseball's color barrier in 1947, died in Stamford, Connecticut, at age 53.
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Today------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 86, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 76, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 73, Move director-screenwriter David S. Ward is 67, Actor Kevin Kline is 65 and Former NAACP President Kweisi Mfume is 64.
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October 24th is: Food Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.
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Quip for the day........Bumper sticker: I may be slow............but I'm ahead of you!
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Larryj
Today's------some Halloween Q and A's.......
Q. Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
A. It raises their spirits.
Q. Why do ghosts make lousy film critics?
A. They boo everything.
Q. Why did the monster's grandma knit him three socks?
A.. She heard he had grown another foot.
Q. Where do monsters get their cookies?
A.. They buy them from the Ghoul-Scouts.
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a school teacher?
A. Lots of blood tests.
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In 1812, the frigate USS United States, commanded by Stephen Decatur, captured the British vessel HMS Macedonian during the war of 1812.
In 1929, former Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall was convicted in Washington, D.C., of accepting a $100,000 bribe from oil tycoon Edward L. Doheny. (Fall was sentenced to a year in prison and fined $100,000; he ended up serving nine months.)
In 1962, in a dramatic confrontation before the U.N. Security Council, U.S. Ambassador Adlai E. Stevenson II demanded that Soviet Ambassador Valerian Zorin confirm or deny the existence of Soviet-built missile bases in Cuba; when Zorin declined to respond, Stevenson said he was prepared to wait "until hell freezes over" for an answer. Stevenson then presented photographic evidence of the bases to the Council.
In 1971, the U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan.
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Today-----------Former American League President and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lee McPhail is 95, Former American League President Dr. Bobby Brown is 88, Singer-actress Barbara Cook is 85, Actress Jeanne Cooper is 84, Actress Marion Ross is 84, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bobby Knight is 72, Rock singer Jon Anderson is 68, Rock musician Glenn Tipton is 65 and Movie director Julian Schnabel is 61.
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October 25th is: Sourest Day, World Pasta Day, International Bandana Day and National Breadsticks Day.
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Quip for the day...........Advice to angry witches on a broom.........."Don't fly off the handle!"
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Larryj
Today's-----------and more....
Q. What do poltergeists like to have for breakfast?
A. Ghost Toasties!
Q. What do poltergeists like to have for Sunday brunch?
A. Eggs Benedict with Haunt-alldays sauce!
Q. Why did the pumpkin cross the road?
A. So he could seed the other side!
Q. Why did the pumpkin go on a cross-country trip?
A. So he could go from seed to shining seed!
Q. What kind of TV does Dracula own?
A. Plasma, of course!
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In 1774, the First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.
In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River.
In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph. (The last run of the Pony Express was completed the following month.)
In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.
In 1949, President Harry S. Truman signed a measure raising the minimum wage from 40 to 75 cents an hour.
In 1958, Pan American Airways flew its first Boeing 707 jetliner from New York to Paris in 8 hours and 41 minutes.
In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.
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Today--------Former Senator Edward Brooke III, R-Mass., is 93, Actress Shelley Morrison is 76, Actor Bob Hoskins is 70, Author Pat Conroy is 67, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 67, TV host Pat Sajak is 66, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is 65, Singer Maggie Roche is 61, Musician Bootsy Collins is 61 and Actor James Pickens Jr. is 60.
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October 26th is: Make A Difference Day, Mule Day and National Forgiveness Day.
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Quip for the day........What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties............(groan)
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Larryj
Today's---------maybe somebody, somewhere hasn't heard this one...........
A man is walking home alone late one night, when he hears a noise behing him -- bump, bump, bump!
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the sidewalk, following him -- bump, bump, bump!
Terrified, the man begins to run, but the coffin bounces faster --- bump, bump, bump!
He runs to his door, fumbles with his keys, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him, but the coffin CRASHES through the door!
He races up the stairs, runs down the hall and locks himself in the bathroom, but the coffin is right behind him -- BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!
The coffin CRASHES through the bathroom door. The man screams and reaches for something, anything. There's a bottle of cough syrup on the counter. Desperate, he grabs the cough syrup and THROWS it at the coffin!
(are you ready?)
The coffin stops. ::)
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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitutution, was published under the pseudonym "Publius." (The essays were a collaborative effort by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay.)
In 1904, the first rapid transit subway, the IRT, was inaugurated in New York City.
In 1922, the first celebration of Navy Day took place.*
In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn: "nylon."
In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio. (It later became a television show on NBC.)
In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a U-2 reconnaissance aircraft was shot down while flying over Cuba, killing the pilot, U.S. Air Force Maj. Rudolf Anderson Jr.
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Today-------Actress Nanette Fabray is 92, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ralph Kiner is 90, Actress Ruby Dee is 88, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 73, Author Maxine Hong Kingston is 72, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 70, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 66, Country singer-musician Jack Daniels is 63, Rock musician Garry Tallent is 63, Author Fran Lebowitz is 62, Rock musician K.K. Downing is 61, TV personality Jayne Kennedy is 61 and Actor-director Roberto Benigni is 60.
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*27 days into the month, it has dawned on me that I was taking the information about holidays from a 2013 calendar. My bad. If you have noticed that some holidays I listed are not on the right day, that is why. The rest of the month will be correct.
October 27th is: Cranky Co-workers Day, Make a Difference Day, National Forgiveness Day and Navy Day.**
**Two of these were listed as yesterday's holidays.
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Quip for the day.......What do you do with a green monster? Wait until it ripens. :P
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Larryj
Today's------punny........
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.
"Evening," the bartender said. "What will you have?"
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"That sounds good," the second said. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please."
"You know what?" said the third. "I think I'll have a glass of plasma."
"OK, let me get this staight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
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In 1636, the General Court of Massachusetts passed a legislative act establishing Harvard College.
In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
In 1919, Congress enacted the Volstead Act, which provided for enforcement of Prohibition, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
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Today-----Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 85, Actress Joan Plowright is 83, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 76, Actress Jane Alexander is 73, Singer Curtis Lee is 71, Actor Dennis Franz is 68, Actress Telma Hopkins is 64, Olympic track and field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 63 and Actress Annie Potts is 60.
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October 28th is: Mother-in-law Day, National Chocolate Day, Reformation Sunday and St. Jude's Day.
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Quip for the day......How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes!
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Larryj
Today's-----and more halloween......
The zombies were having a big Halloween party. The mood was light and everyone was having a good time.
Suddenly, though, one zombie gasped and started elbowing his friend.
The friend asked, "What's the matter?"
The first zombie said, "A lady over there just rolled her eyes at me!"
The friend said, "So?"
The first zombie said, "What do you think I should do?"
The friend said, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her!"
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In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.
In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression.
In 1940, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson drew the first number -- 158 -- in America's first peacetime military draft.
In 1960, a chartered plane carrying the California Polytechic State University football team crashed on takeoff from Toledo, Ohio, killing 22 of the 48 people on board.
In 1966, the National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.
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Today-----Bluegrass singer-musician Sonny Osborne (The Osborne Brothers) is 75, Singer Melba Moore is 67, Musician Peter Green is 66, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 65 and Actress Kate Jackson is 64.
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October 29th is: Internet Day, Lung Health Day, National Cat Day, Visit a Cemetery Day and World Psoriasis Day.
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Quip for the day.......A witch's favorite subject in school is............spelling.
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Larryj
Today's----------groaner.......
Two medical students were invited to attend a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped by the Army/Navy surplus store to see if they could find costumes, but they only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.
One med student wore the top half, and the other one wore the bottom half.
They got to the party and everyone asked them what they were supposed to be.
Their answer:
An upper and lower GI.
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In 1912, Vice President James S. Sherman, running for a second term of office with President William Howard Taft, died six days before Election Day. Sherman was replaced with Nicholas Murray Butler.
In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.
In 1938, the radio play "The War of the Worlds," starring Oscar Welles, aired on CBS.
In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round-bout in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble in the Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.
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Today-----Actor Dick Gautier is 75, Movie director Claude Lelouch is 75, Actor Ed Lauter is 74, Rock singer Grace Slick is 73, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 71, Actor Henry Winkler is 67, Rock musician Chris Slade (Asia) is 66, Country/rock musician Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 65, Actor Leon Rippy is 63 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 61.
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October 30th is: Check List Day, Devil's Night, Haunted Refrigerator Night and National Candy Corn Day.
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Quip for the day............Vampire pick up line: "What's your type?"
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Larryj
Today's------probably the last Halloween joke........ :P
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. I gave him some candy and he did a cute victory dance on the top of my steps.
Later that same evening, I opened the door and it was little "Rocky" again.
"Trick or treat!" he cried..
I asked him, "Hey, aren't you the same "Rocky" that was here a little while ago?"
He said, "Yes, but now I'm the sequel!"
I laughed and said, "The sequel?"
He said, "Yes, and I'll be back four more times after this!"
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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.
In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.
In 1959, a former U.S. Marine showed up at the U.S. Embassy in Moscow to declare he was renouncing his American citizenship so he could live in the Soviet Union. His Name: Lee Harvey Oswald.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam, saying he hoped for fruitful peace negotiations.
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Today----Actress Lee Grant is 85, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 82, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 81, Folk singer Tom Paxton is 75, Actor Ron Rifkin is 73, Actress Sally Kirkland is 71, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 70, Actor Brian Doyle-Murray is 67, Actor Stephen Rea is 66, Olympic gold medal long-distance runner Frank Shorter is 65, Actress Deidre Hall is 64 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 62.
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October 31st is: Beggars Night, Books for Treats Day, Day of the Seven Billion, Girl Scout Founder's Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day and National UNICEF Day.
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Quip for the day......Did you know that vampires are a pain in the neck?
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Larryj
Today's-------one more......
Did you hear about the photographer, many years ago, who went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost?
Sure enough, he encountered one, and it turned out to be a friendly ghost. It graciously posed for several shots.
The photographer dashed back to his studio, certain that these would be the best photographs ever taken of a real ghost.
Unfortunately, he discovered that his settings had been off. The film was underexposed and showed nothing but blanks.
He handled pretty well. In fact, he was philosophical about the whole thing. The way he figured it, the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.
In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.
In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike," at Enewetak Atoll in the Marshall Islands.
In 1968, the Motion Picture Association of America unveiled its new voluntary fillm rating system: G for general, M for mature (later changed to GP, then PG), R for restricted and X (later changed to NC-17) for adults only.
In 1979, former first lady Mamie Eisenhower died in Washington, D.C., at age 82.
In 2007, Retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Paul Tibbets, who'd piloted the B-29 bomber Enola Gay that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, died in Columbus, Ohio, at age 92.
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Today-----Actress Betsy Palmer is 86, Golfer Gary Player is 77, Actress Barbara Bosson is 73, Actor Robert Foxworth is 71, Actress Marcia Wallace is 70, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 70, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 68, Actress Jeannie Berlin is 63, Music producer David foster is 63 and R&B musician Ronald Khalis Bell is 61.
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November 1st is: All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, National Men Make Dinner Day, Prime Meridian Day and World Vegan Day.
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Quip for the day.............The evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
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Larryj
Today's------------smart kid.......
I used to drive a school bus. I'll never forget the day I was driving along, with a bus full of kids, and a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.
I overheard one of the kids behind me announce, "They use the dog to keep the crowds back."
Another child said, "No, the take the dog with them for good luck."
A third child said, "No, they use the dog to find the fire hydrants!"
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the armies of the United States near Princeton, N.J.
In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.
In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules (derisively dubbed the "Spruce Goose" by detractors) on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.
In 2002, President George W. Bush called Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein a "dangerous man" with links to terrorist networks, and said that U.N. inspections for weapons of mass destruction were critical.
In 2011, The Congressional Gold Medal was awarded to some 19,000 Japanese-Americans who'd served in the 100th Infantry Battalion, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team and the Military Intelligence Service.
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Today---------R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll is 75, Singer Jay Black is 74, Political commentator Pat Buchanan is 74, Actress Stefanie Powers is 70, Rock musician Keith Emerson is 68, Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 67 and Actress Kate Linder is 65.
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November 2nd is: All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, National Medical Science Liason Awareness and Appreciation Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day, Pumkin Chunkin' Day and Traffic Directors Day.
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Quip for the day.......How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque?
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Larryj
Today's--------aha......
One day three hikers came to a violent river.
The first man prayed, "Please, God, give me the strength to swim across." Poof! God gave him a boost of energy. He jumped in and, with great difficulty, swam across the river. It took two hours.
The second man said, "Please, God, give me the means to cross this river safely." Poof! God gave him a small canoe and a paddle. With great effort the man made it across the river in about an hour.
The third man said, "Please, God, give me the sense to find the best way across this river." God gave him wisdom. The man checked the map, walked around the bend in the river, then walked quickly across the large bridge he found there.
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In 1900, the first major U.S. automobile show opened at New York's Madison Square Garden under the auspices of the Automobile Club of America.
In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Co. was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant. (The company was acquired by General Motors in 1918.)
In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2, the second manmade satellite, into orbit; on board was a dog named Laika who was sacrificed in the experiment.
In 2002, a CIA Predator drone fired a missile at a car in Yemen, killing al-Qaida's top operative in that country.
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Today---------Actress Lois Smith is 82, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael S. Dukakis is 79, Actor-dancer Ken Berry is 79, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 73, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 66, Singer Lulu is 64 and Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 60.
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November 3rd is: Cliche Day, National Gaming Day (Libraries), Sadie Hawkins Day and Sandwich Day.
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Quip for the day........The closest thing I had to a brainstorm, was a slow drizzle.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah......
My friend Ernie is unbelievable.
He goes to the doctor and says he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
Ernie replies, "My stomach has been bothering me for several days. I wonder if it's my liver."
The doctor says, "Do you drink?"
Ernie answers, "Sure. I wouldn't mind a scotch and water, if you have it."
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In 1939, the United States modified its neutrality stance in World War II, allowing "cash and carry" purchases of arms by belligerents, a policy favoring Britain and France.
In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some, it was the start of 444 days of captivity.
In 1980, Ronald Reagan won the White House as he defeated Jimmy Carter by a strong margin.
In 2008, Democrat Barack Obama was elected the first black president of the United States, defeating Republican John McCain.
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Today----Musician-songwriter Johnny Rotella is 92, Actress Doris Roberts is 82, Actress Loretta Swit is 75, Rhythm-and-blues singer Harry Elston (Friends of Distinction) is 74, Blues singer Delbert McClinton is 72, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 66 and Actress Markie Post is 62.
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November 4th is: Daylight Saving Time Ends, National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Zero Tasking Day.
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Quip for the day......."Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
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Larryj
Today's------it wasn't good, so from the archives.......
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
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In 1781, the Continental Congress elected John Hanson of Maryland its chairman, giving him the title of "President of the United States in Congress Assembled."
In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to cast a vote for President Ulysses S. Grant. (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but she never paid the fine.)
In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena, completing the first transcontinental airplane trip in 49 days.
In 1987, Supreme Court nominee Douglas H. Ginsburg admitted using marijuana several times in the 1960s and '70s, calling it a mistake. (Ginsburg ended up withdrawing his nomination.)
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Today------Actor Chris Robinson is 74, Actress Elke Sommer is 72, Singer Art Garfunkel is 71, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 69 and Singer Peter Noone is 65.
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November 5th is: ABC, Disney, "Day of Giving For Victims Of Sandy" Day and Job Action Day.
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Quip for the day..........Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Larryj
Today's---------so-so.......
A surgeon, an architect and a politician were arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon: "According to the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
Said the architect: "Maybe, but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was the work of a grand architect."
Said the politician: "But wait a minute. Someone had to create the chaos in the first place!"
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In 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency: John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.
In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.
In 1888, Republican Benjamin Harrison won the presidential election, defeating Democratic incumbent Grover Cleveland with an electoral vote count of 233-168, even though Cleveland led in the popular vote.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election, defeating Democrat Adlai E. Stevenson.
In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot was destroyed in an arson fire.
In 2002, a jury in Beverly Hills convicted actress Winona Ryder of stealing $5,500 worth of high-fashion merchandise from a Saks Fifth Avenue store. She ended up serving probation.
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Today---------Director Mike Nichols is 81, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 80, Singer Eugene Pitt (The Jive Five) is 75, Singer P.J. Proby is 74, Country singer Guy Clark is 71, Pop singer Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 64, Singer Rory Block is 63 and Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 63.
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November 6th is: International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict, Election Day and Saxophone Day.
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Quip for the day..........I would like mornings better if they started later.
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Larryj
Today's------hah...........
The politician, after a hard-scrabble campaign, spent all evening watching election returns with his team. It was a close vote, but the tide finally turned in his favor. Everyone was all smiles.
After accepting back slaps and high fives from his cronies, he prepared to go downstairs to speak to the gathered supporters in the banquet hall. First, though, he called his wife, who was home in bed with the flu.
"Congratulate me, dear," he said to her. "I've won."
His wife replied, as if surprised, "Honestly?"
The politician said, sternly, "Now, there's no need to bring up that point!"
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In 1912, black boxing champion Jack Johnson was indicted in Chicago for allegedly violating the Mann Act with a white woman, Belle Schreiber. (Johnson was convicted and sentence to a year in prison; he fled the U.S., later returning to serve his term.)
In 1916, Republican Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey.
In 1962, Republican Richard M. Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."
In 1962, Former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt, 78, died in New York City.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon was re-elected in a landslide over Democrat George McGovern.
In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad, Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico at age 50.
In 2007, a cargo ship struck the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge, causing the San Francisco's worst oil spill in nearly two decades.
In 2007, space shuttle Discovery and its crew returned to Earth, concluding a 15-day space station build-and-repair mission.
In 2011, former heavyweight champion boxer Joe Frazier died in Philadelphia at age 67.
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Today-----Evangelist Billy Graham is 94, Actor Barry Newman is 74, Singer Johnny Rivers is 70 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 69.
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November 7th is: National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day.
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Quip for the day......Although He is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.
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Larryj
Today's----------good one.......
I came upon a tombstone inscribed with these lines:
"Remember me as you pass by,
As you are now,
So once was I.
As I am now, so you will be,
So prepare yourself to follow me."
Someone had attached a note to the tombstone. It was a reply of sorts, with poetic lines of its own.
"To follow you, I am not content,
For I'm not sure which way you went."
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In 1932, New York Democratic Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.
In 1942, Operation Torch, resulting in an Allied victory, began during World War II as U.S. and British forces landed in French North Africa.
In 1950, during the Korean War, the first jet-plane battle took place as U.S. Air Force Lt. Russell J. Brown shot down a North Korean MIG-15.
In 1972, the premium cable TV network HBO (Home Box Office) made its debut with a showing of the movie "Sometimes a Great Nation."
In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA., announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager I had discovered a 15th moon orbiting the planet Saturn.
In 1994, midterm elections resulted in Republicans winning a majority in the Senate while at the same time gaining control of the House for the first time in 40 years.
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Today----Actor Norman Lloyd is 98, Singer Patti Page is 85, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 81, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 63, TV personality Mary Hart is 62, Former Playboy Enterprises chairman and CEO Christie Hefner is 60 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 60.
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November 8th is: Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, National Teachers As Parents Day and X-ray Day.
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Quip for the day.....another tombstone......."Here lies Lester Moore. 4 slugs from a .44. No Les, no more."
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but funny.......
Two fellows were at a party, talking, and the subject of wives came up. Both of the men had plenty to say, and it seemed to be one complaint after another.
"What I can't stand," one of them said, "is how my wife keeps talking about her previous husband."
The other one snorted and replied, "You think that's bad? My wife won't stop talking about her next husband!"
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In 1620, the passengers and crew of the Mayflower sighted Cape Cod.
In 1960, John F. Kennedy was elected President of the United States.
In 1961, U.S. Air Force Maj. Robert M. White became the first pilot to fly an X-15 rocket plane at six times the speed of sound.
In 1967, a Saturn V rocket carrying an unmanned Apollo spacecraft blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a successful test flight.
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Today--Baseball Hall-of-Famer Whitey Herzog is 81, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 77, Actor Charlie Robinson is 67, Movie director Bille August is 64, Actor Robert David Hall is 64 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 61.
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November 9th is: Domino Day and National Donor Sabbath Days (9-11).
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Quip for the day...........She got a mudpack and looked good for two days.......then the mud fell off.
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Larryj
Today's-------and another old, but funny........
After morning inspections, the surly drill sergeant barked, "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
Most members of the squad saluted and wandered away in every direction, but a single soldier remained steadfast at attention.
The drill instructor walked over indignantly, stood face-to-face with the remaining soldier and lifted a challenging eyebrow. "Well?" he growled.
The soldier grinned and said, "Sure were a lot of them, huh, sir?"
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In 1775, the U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.
In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without operator assistance.
In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Educational Television (later PBS.)
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Today---Actor Russell Johnson is 88, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 84, Blues singer Bobby Rush is 78, Actor Albert Hall is 75, Country singer Donna Fargo is 71, Lyricist Tim Rice is 68, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake is 65, Actress-dancer Ann Reinking is 63 and Actor Jack Scalia is 62.
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November 10th is: Area Code Day, Marine Corps Birthday, National Day of Play, Sesame Street Day and Windows Day.
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Quip for the day......If it's stupid but works...........it isn't stupid.
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Larryj
Today's------Veteran's Day.....
A retired career military man was bragging to the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off and they always did exactly what I said."
"Wow, you must have been something," said one of the admiring young soldiers. "What was your job?"
The vet grinned and replied, "Elevator operator at the Pentagon!"
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In 1889, Washington became the 42nd state.
In 1909, President William Howard Taft accepted the recommendation of a joint Army-Navy board that Pearl Harbor in the Hawaiian Islands be made the principal U.S. naval station in the Pacific.
In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.
In 1972, the U.S. Army turned over its base at Long Binh to the South Vietnamese, symbolizing the end of direct U.S. military involvement in the Vietnam War.
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Today--------Comedian Jonathan Winters is 87, Actress Bibi Andersson is 77, Americana roots singer/songwriter Chris Smither is 68, Rock singer-musician Vince Martell is 67, Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 61 and Pop singer-musician Paul Cowsill is 61.
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November 11th is: Death/Duty Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Origami Day, World Kindness Day and VETERAN'S DAY.
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Quip for the day........The only war is the war you fought in. Every veteran knows that.
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Larryj
Today's------yep.......
The difference between cats and dogs..........
HOW DOGS THINK: "Hey, these humans make a home for us, prepare food and drink for us, care for our every need, provide for our amusement, shower us with affection, and keep us safe.............THEY MUST BE GODS!"
HOW CATS THINK: "Hey, these humans make a home for us, prepare food and drink for us, care for our every need, provide for our amusement, shower us with affection, and keep us safe.............WE MUST BE GODS!"
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In 1936, the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opened as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a telegraph key in Washington, D.C., giving the green light to traffic.
In 1977, the city of New Orleans elected its first black mayor, Ernest "Dutch" Morial, the winner of a runoff.
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Today-----Rhythm and Blues singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 73, Actor-playwright Wallace Shawn is 69, Rock musician Booker T. Jones (Booker T. and the MGs) is 68, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 68, Rock musician Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (Blue Oyster Cult) is 65 and Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 67.
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November 12th is: World Orphan's Day, Chicken Soup For The Soul Day and Elizabeth Cady Stanton Day.
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Quip for the day...When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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Larryj
Today's-----another oldie, but goodie.......
My husband scolds me for leaving the keys in the ingnition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty!
I called the police. Then, after agonizing for awhile, I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey, I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. Then he barked at me, "Are you kidding me? I dropped you off!"
It was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I finally said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep, these are the golden years, alright.
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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy: "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
In 1937, the NBC Symphony Orchestra, formed exclusively for radio broadcasting, made its debut.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age to 18.
In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.
In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington.
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Today----------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 90, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 78, Producer-director Garry Marsall is 78, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 71, Country singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is 66, Actor Joe Mantegna is 65 and Actress Sheila Frazier is 64.
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November 13th is: National Young Readers Day.
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Quip for the day.........Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.......
Sorrowfully, Bob approached the house and knocked on the front door. An old woman of stern appearance answered.
Bob said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but do you have a large white cat with a pink collar?"
The old lady answered, "Certainly I do. What is it to you?"
"I'm afraid I just ran over it and killed it," Bob said.
"What?" the woman roared.
"But I'm willing to replace it!" Bob stammered.
The old lady sized him up, then said, "Alright, come on in then. But you better be good at catching mice!"
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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.
In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln gave the go-ahead for Maj. Gen. Ambrose Burnside's plan to capture the Confederate capital of Richmond; the resulting Battle of Fredericksburg proved a disaster for the Union.
In 1944, Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra recorded "Opus No. 1" for RCA Victor.
In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
In 1972, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time ending the day at 1,003.16.
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Today-----------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 84, Former MLB All-Star Jimmy Piersall is 83, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 79, Jazz musician Ellis Marsalis is 78, Composer Wendy Carlos is 73, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 65, Singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeko is 65, Britain's Prince Charles is 64, Rock singer-musician James Young (Styx) is 63 and Singer Stephen Bishop is 61.
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November 14th is: Lighten Up, Loosen Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Education Support Professionals Day, International Girl's Day, National Pickle Day, Spirit of National Speaker Association Day, Universal Children's Day and World Diabetes Day.
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Quip for the day.......When you dream in color, it is a pigment of your imagination.
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Larryj
Today's-------lost in translation......
You heard about the huge computer the Russians and Americans developed?
To test it out, the Americans fed in the line "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" and had it translated into Russian.
Then, to test the accuracy of the translation, the Russians fed the line back into the computer and had it translated into English.
On the American end, the line came out in English as follows: "The whiskey is agreeable, but the meat has gone bad!"
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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.
In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Pike's Peak in present-day Colorado.
In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1942, the naval Battle of Guadalcanal ended during World War II with a decisive U.S. victory over Japanese forces.
In 1966, the flight of Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. splashed down safely in the Atlantic.
In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.
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Today-------Judge Joseph Wapner is 93, Statesman Howard H. Baker Jr. is 87, Actor Ed Asner is 83, Actor John Kerr is 81, Singer Petula Clark is 80, Comedian Jack Burns is 79, Actress Joanna Barnes is 78, Actor Yaphet Kotto is 73, Actor Sam Waterston is 72, Pop singer Frida is 67, Actor Bob Gunton is 67 and Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is 65.
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November 15th is: America Recycles Day, Great American Smokeout, Guiness World Record Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt (Pan) Day, National Philanthropy Day and Use Less Stuff Day.
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Quip for the day............SUPERCOMPUTER: What it sounded it like before you bought it.
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Larryj
Today's-----blonde joke day...........no offense, Teresa......
Several years ago my son had this girlfriend. Of course, he had plenty of girlfriends over the years, and I usually didn't bring them up, but this one was special.
Let me tell you about her.
One day they were riding around, and they decided to stop for something to drink at a 7-eleven.
My son asked the girlfriend to get him a chocolate milk. She was in the store for awhile. Finally, she came back our with a carton of half and half.
My son said, "That's not chocolate milk."
The girlfriend said, "It's all they had, so just drink the chocolate half."
I swear.
And she wasn't even a blonde.
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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.
In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state of the union.
In 1933, the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
In 1946, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) was founded at the conclusion of a conference in London.
In 1959, the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical "The Sound Of Music" opened on Broadway.
In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died in Los Angeles at age 59.
In 1973, Skylab 4, carrying a crew of three astronauts, was launched from Cape Canaveral on an 84-day mission.
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Today-------Actor Clu Gulager is 84, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 73, Actress Joanna Pettet is 70, Actor Steve Railsback is 67, Actor David Leisure is 62 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 61.
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November 16th is: International Day For Tolerance and National Button Day.
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Quip for the day......A blonde had a T-shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
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Larryj
Today's------College football funnies........
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
Q: How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.
Q: What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."
Q: How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
A: There's tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.
In 1911, the African-American fraternity Omega Psi Phi was founded at Howard University in Washington, D.C.
In 1962, Washington Dulles International Airport was dedicated by President John F. Kennedy.
In 1969, the first round of Strategic Arms Limitation Talks between the United States and the Soviet Union opened in Helsinki, Finland.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
In 1979, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini ordered the release of 13 black and/or female American hostages being held at the U.S. Embassy in Tehran.
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Today--------Rock musician Gerry McGee is 75, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 74, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 70, Actress Lauren Hutton is 69, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 68, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tom Seaver is 68, Movie director Roland Joffe is 67 and Actor Stephen Root is 61.
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November 17th is: Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Playmold's National Day Of Play, Family Volunteer Day, National Adoption Day, National Survivors of Suicide Day and World Prematurity Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......The place kicker missed an attempt at a field goal. He was so mad he went to kick himself........and missed again.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but a great reminder.......
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY.
Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey.
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7: Turn the oven on.
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky.
Step 9: Turk the basty.
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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In 1883, the United States and Canada adopted a system of Standard Time zones.
In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York.
In 1966, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent.
In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif, and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed up by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.
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Today---Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 73, Actress Linda Evans is 70, Actress Susan Sullivan is 70, Actress-singer Andrea Marcovicci is 64, Rock musician Herman Rarebell is 63, Singer Graham Parker is 62 and Actor Delroy Lindo is 60.
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November 18th is: Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push-button Phone Day.
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Quip for the day............On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment.........halftime.
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Larryj
Today's--------kids.......
Ah, Thanksgiving, always a special time at Grandma's house.
I remember the year young Petey was sitting in Grandma's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
At one point, he asked her, "Grandma, what are you doing now?"
Grandma smiled and replied, "Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey."
Petey considered this for a moment, then said, "Wow! Are you going to hang it in the living room next to the deer head?"
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.
In 1919, the Senate rejected the Treaty of Versailles by a vote of 55 in favor, 39 against, short of the two-thirds majority needed for ratification.
In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.
In 1969, Apollo 12 astronauts Charles Conrad and Alan Bean made the second manned landing on the moon.
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Today--------Talk show host Larry King is 79, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 76, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 74, Singer Pete Moore (Smoky Robinson and the Miracles) is 73, Actor Dan Haggerty is 71, Fashion designer Calvin Klein is 70 and Sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 63.
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November 19th is: Equal Opportunity Day, Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, Rocky and Bullwinkle Day and World Toilet Day.
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Quip for the day....An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
I used to think our family was the only one that quarreled at Thanksgiving dinner. I know better now.
One year, our eldest daughter invited her college roommate to join us for the holiday feast.
Naturally, halfway through dinner everyone got into a lively argument over some trivial subject. Voices were raised. The bickering went back and forth.
Finally, I announced, "Listen, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Plus, we have company. Can we try to behave?"
There was a long embarrassed silence.
Then, my daughter's roommate spoke. She said, "Oh, don't worry about me. I was brought up in a family, too."
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In 1620, Peregrine White was born aboard the Mayflower in Massachusetts Bay; he was the first child born of English parents in present-day New England.
In 1789, New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy held a news conference in which he announced the end of the naval quarantine of Cuba imposed during the missile crisis, and the signing of an executive order prohibiting discrimination in federal housing facilities.
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Today---Nobel Prize-winning author Nadine Gordimer is 89, Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 87, Actress Estelle Parsons is 85, Comedian Dick Smothers is 74, Singer Norman Greenbaum is 70, Actress Veronica Hamel is 69, Broadcast journalist Judy Woodruff is 66, Actor Samuel E. Wright is 66, Singer Joe Walsh is 65 and Opera singer Barbara Hendricks is 64.
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November 20th is: African Industrialization Day, Children's Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Name Your PC Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day and World Day Of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims.
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Quip for the day.......(groaner).....The only one not hungry at Thanksgiving dinner is the turkey...........he's already stuffed.
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Larryj
Today's--------Thanksgiving Q & A.........
Q: Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks!
Q: Why do turkeys always go, "Gobble, gobble"?
A: They never learned good table manners!
Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out him!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!
(groan)
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In 1861, Judah Benjamin, who had been acting Confederate Secretary of War, was formally named to the post.
In 1922, Rebecca L. Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.
In 1931, the Universal horror film "Frankenstein," starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin CLive as his creator, was first released.
In 1942, the Alaska Highway, also known as the Alcan Highway, was formally opened at Soldier's Summit in the Yukon Territory.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon's attorney, J. Fred Buzhardt, revealed the existence of an 18 1/2-minute gap in one of the White House tape recordings related to Watergate.
In 1980, 87 people died in a fire at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.
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Today----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial is 92, Actor Joseph Campanella is 85, Country singer Jean Shepard is 79, Actor Lawrence Luckinbill is 78, Actress Marlo Thomas is 75, Actor Rick Lenz is 73, Singer Dr. John is 72, Actress Juliet Mills is 71, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Earl Monroe is 68, Comedian-director Harold Ramis is 68, Actress Goldie Hawn is 67, Rock musician Lonnie Jordan is 64 and Actress-singer Lorna Luft is 60.
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November 21st is: Alascattalo Day, GIS Day, Tie One On Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.
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Quip for the day.........Someday we will look back on all this........and plow into a parked car.
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Larryj
Today's---------Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
IF YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS BURNT.........BE THANKFUL!
Salmonella is no longer a concern!
Pets won't pester you for scraps.
Your broccoli lima bean casserole will gain new appreciation.
You'll get to the desserts faster!
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Uncle Otis won't be walking around after dinner with his pants unbuckled.
The smoke alarm was due for testing anyway.
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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.
In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.
In 1954, the Humane Society of the United States was incorporated as the National Humane Society.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death during a motorcade in Dallas, Texas; Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded. A suspect, Lee Harvey Oswald, was arrested.
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Today-------Movie director Arthur Hiller is 89, Actor Robert Vaughn is 80, Actor Michael Callan is 77, Actor Allen Garfield is 73, Animator and movie director Terry Gilliam is 72, Actor Tom Conti is 71, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 71, Astronaut Guion Bluford is 70, Intenational Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billie Jean King is 69, Rock musician-actor Steve Van Zandt (aka Little Steven) is 62, Rock musician Tina Weymouth is 62 and Retired MLB All-Star Greg Luzinski is 62.
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November 22nd is: Humane Society Anniversary Day, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day.
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Quip for the day......He was so dumb he couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
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Larryj
Today's-------from David Letterman......
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT AT THANKSGIVING DINNER.
10. You decided to take a little nap afterward, and you're still not up the next day.
9. You're mistaken for the Garfield balloon.
8. Grandpa had to use the electric knife to carve you out of your pants.
7. You're sweating ham glaze.
6. The booze ran out at 11:00 a.m.
5. You keep talking about how much you love turkey leftovers, and everyone keeps saying, "Thanks to you, the AREN'T any turkey leftovers.
4. The most frequently used word during dinner was "Heimlich."
3. Revenge-seeking turkeys are gathering in your front yard.
2. You receive a personalized "Thank You" card from the president of Butterball.
And 1. Even Kirstie Alley kept telling you, "Whoa, pace yourself!"
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In 1765, Frederick County, MD, became the first colonial entity to repudiate the British Stamp Act.
In 1910, American-born physician Hawley Harvey Crippen was hanged at Pentonville Prison in London for murdering his wife, Cora. (Crippen's mistress, Ethel Le Neve, was acquitted in a separate trial of being an accessory.)
In 1936, Life, the photojournalism magazine created by Henry R. Luce, was first published.
In 1942, during World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure establising the U.S. Women's Coast Guard Reserve, or SPARS (an abbreviation of the U.S. Coast Guard mottor "Semper Paratus" -- Always Ready").
In 1943, during World War II, U.S. forces seized control of Tarawa and Makin atolls from the Japanese.
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Today------Actress Elmarie Wendel is 80, Actor Franco Nero is 71, Actress Susan Anspach is 70, Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas is 68 and Actor-comedy writer Bruce Vilanch is 65.
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November 23rd is: Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Dr. Who Day, Fibonacci Day, Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day of Listening, National Native American Heritage Day and You're Wecomegiving Day.
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Quip for the day.........The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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Larryj
Today's--------Kids........
Fortunately, we have our children to keep us humble. I'll tell you a story that illustrates the point.
I was hard at work in the kitchen, making a dish that calls for ketchup. Fortunately, I had just bought a new container, so I was all set. I thought.
As sometimes happens, the ketchup was obstinate. I shook and shook, and pounded and pounded, but the ketchup was oh-so-slow to come out.
As I continued to struggle, the phone rang. I asked my 5-year-old son to answer it.
I heard him say, "Yes, Mommy is home, but she can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle.
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In 1941, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Edwards v. California, unanimously struck down a California law prohibiting people from bringing impoverished non-residents into the state.
In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.
In 1969, Apollo 12 splashed down safely in the Pacific.
In 1971, a hijacker calling himself "Dan Cooper" (but later became known as "D.B. Cooper") parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over the Pacific Northwest after receiving $200,00 in ransom -- his fate remains unknown.
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Today-------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson is 74, Country singer Johnny Carver is 72, Rock drummer Pete Best is 71, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 70, Singer Lee Michaels is 67, Actor Dwight Schultz is 65 and Actor Stanley Livingston is 62.
(and in the news, Actor Larry Hagman passed away at the age of 81.)
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November 24th is: Small Business Saturday, Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day, D.B. Cooper Day and International Aura Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day......If everything is going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Larryj
Today's------more kids........
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the police officer was interrupted by a little girl of about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at the officer's uniform, the girl asked, "Are you a cop?"
The officer answered, as he continued writing, "Yes, I am. What can I do for you, young lady?"
The little girl said, "Well, my mother said that if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?"
The officer looked up from his report, smiled at the little girl, and said, "Yes, that's right. Do you need help?"
The little girl said, "Yes, will you please tie my shoe for me?"
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In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.
In 1940, the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker made his debut in the animated short "Knock, Knock."
In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery; his widow, Jacqueline, lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.
In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair erupted as President Ronald Reagan and Attorney General Edwin Meese revealed that profits from secret arms sales to Iran had been diverted to Nicaraguan rebels.
In 1987, Harold Washington, the first black mayor of Chicago, died in office at age 65.
In 1999, five-year-old Elian Gonzalez was rescued by a pair of sport fishermen off the coast of Florida, setting off an international custody battle.
In 2002, President George W. Bush signed legislation creating the Department of Homeland Security.
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Today-------Actress Noel Neill is 92, Actress Kathryn Crosby is 79, Actor Matt Clark is 76, Actor Christopher Riordan is 75, Singer Percy Sledge is 72, Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 68, Singer Bob Lind is 68, Actor John Larroquette is 65 and Actor Tracey Walter is 65.
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November 25th is: International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day.
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Quip for the day.......Police quote......"If you run, you'll just go to jail tired."
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Larryj
Today's--------good one......
The couple of many years were sitting on the patio of their retirement condo.
It was a lovely afternoon.
The woman took a sip of her glass of wine and said, "You know, I love you so much. I don't know how I ever could live without you."
The man looked up from his newspaper, straightened his spectacles, and said, "Wow, is that you, or is that the wine talking?"
There was a long pause, then the woman replied, "That was me....................talking to the wine."
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In 1789, November 26 was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1842, the founders of the University of Notre Dame arrived at the school's present-day site near South Bend, Indiana.
In 1941, a Japanese naval task force consisting of six aircraft carriers left the Kuril Islands, headed toward Hawaii.
In 1942, the motion picture "Casablanca," starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York.
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Today-------Actress Ellen Albertini Dow is 99, Impressionist Rich Little is 74, Singer Tina Turner is 73, Singer Jean Terrell is 68, Pop musician John McVie is 67 and Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 64.
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November 26th is: Cyber Monday.
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Quip for the day........Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
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Larryj
Today's------------more kids........
Poor kid. He was at that awkward age. Namely, five.
He had no idea he didn't belong in the ladies room. In fact, his mother had taken him into many such facilities in the past. It wasn't a problem.
So, when he became momentarily separated from his mother at the fitness center, he was relieved to find the door with the silhouette of a woman on it. Maybe his mother was in there, he thought.
He marched right into the women's dressing room, and he was dismayed when all the women started shrieking and running and grabbing for towels or items of clothing.
Was there something wrong with them? Was there something wrong with him?
Finally, he stammered, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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In 1901, the U.S. Army War College was established in Washington, D.C.
In 1962, the first Boeing 727 was rolled out at the company's Renton Plant.
In 1973, the Senate voted 92-3 to confirm Gerald R. Ford as vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew, who'd resigned.
In 1978, San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights activist were shot to death inside City Hall by former supervisor Dan White.
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Today-----Actress Connie Sawyer is 100, Author Gail Sheehy is 75, Actor James Avery is 64 and Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow ("The Hurt Locker") is 61.
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November 27th is: National Day of Listening.
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Quip for the day.......Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
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Larryj
Today's---------too funny............
A husband and wife are at a disco. It's the wife's idea. Hubby would rather be anywhere else.
There's this handsome guy on the dance floor performing with unrestrained exuberance -- break dancing, moon walking, back flips.
The works.
The wife turns to the husband, who can't dance a lick, and says, "You see that man? Almost 25 years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down!"
The husband pondered this for a moment, then said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
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In 1942, nearly 500 people died in a fire that destroyed the Cocoanut Grove nightclub in Boston.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy dedicated the original permanent headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, VA.
In 1961, Ernie Davis of Syracuse University became the first African-American to be named winner of the Heisman Trophy.
In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course to Mars.
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Today------Former Sen. Gary Hart, D-Colo., is 76, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 72, Singer Randy Newman is 69, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 66, Movie director Joe Dante is 65, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 63, Actor Ed Harris is 62, Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 61 and Actress S. Epatha Merkerson is 60.
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November 28th is: Red Planet Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......The wise never marry........And when they marry they become otherwise.
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Larryj
Today's--------blonde day......
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"
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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1961, Enos the chimp was launched from Cape Canaveral aboard the Mercury-Atlas 5 spacecraft, which orbited earth twice before returning.
In 1972, the coin-operated video arcade game Pong, created by Atari, made it's debut at Andy Capp's Tavern in Sunnyvale, CA.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.
In 1986, actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.
In 2001, George Harrison of The Beatles died in Los Angeles following a battle with cancer; he was 58.
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Today------Blues singer-musician John Mayall is 79, Actress Diane Ladd is 77, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 72, Pop singer-musician Felix Cavaliere is 70, Olympic skier Suzy Chaffee is 66, Comedian Gary Shandling is 63, Actor Jeff Fahey is 60 and (my hero) Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Vin Scully is 85.
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November 29th is: Electronics Greetings Day and International Day of Solidarity With The Palastinian People.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....A blonde looked at her driver's license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.
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Larryj
Today's---------two for one day.....
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman sitting at the bar by herself. After a few drinks he goes over and sits beside her, puts his arm around her and kisses her on the neck.
She turns and slaps him as hard as she can. He says, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
She says, "Get away from me, you worthless, no good punk!"
He says, "Wow! That's amazing! You sound just like her, too!"
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemns -- better known as Mark Twain -- was born in Florida, Missouri.
In 2007, An Amtrak train and a freight train collided on a track on the South Side of Chicago, injuring dozens of people.
In 2007, motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died in Clearwater, Florida, at age 69.
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Today--------Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 94, Actor Robert Guillaume is 85, Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 82, Country singer-recording executive Jimmy Bowen is 75, Movie director Ridley Scott is 75, Movie writer-director Terrence Malick is 69, Rock musician Roger Glover (Deep Purple) is 67, Actress Margaret Whitton is 62 and Actor Mandy Patinkin is 60.
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November 30th is: Computer Security Day, National Call Congress (Social Security), National Meth Awareness Day and Stay Home Because You Are Well Day.
________________________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Give a man a fish and he will have a meal........Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
________________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------old, but funny......
A woman goes to her doctor's office for a checkup. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked the patient. The woman replies, "140 pounds."
Nurse says, "OK, let's double-check. Can you step on the scales, please?"
The woman steps on the scales. Nurse says, "Actually, your weight is 171." The woman gasps.
Nurse says, "What is your height?" The woman says, "It's five foot 8."
Nurse says, "OK, let's check. Hmmm, actually, you're five foot 3." The woman gasps again.
Nurse then takes the woman's blood pressure and reports, "It's quite high."
The woman cries, "Of course it's high! When I came in here, I was tall and slender. Now, I'm short and fat!"
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In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay. (Adams ended up the winner.)
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln sent his Second Annual Message to Congress, which was read aloud by the Secretary of State. In it, Lincoln called for the abolition of slavery, saying that, "in giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom for the free," and toward the end of his message, wrote: "Fellow citizens, we can not escape history. We of this Congress and this Administration will be remembered in spite of ourselves."
In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested after refusing to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus; the incident sparked a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.
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Today-----Former CIA director Stansfield Turner is 89, Singer Billy Paul is 78, Actor-director Woody Allen is 77, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 73, Singer Dianne Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 73, Television producer David Salzman is 69, Rock musician Eric Bloom (Blue Oyster Cult) is 68, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 68, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 67, Singer Gilbert O'Sullivan is 66 and Actor Treat Williams is 61.
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December 1st is: Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Earmuff Day, Special Kids Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, Skywarn Recognition Day and World AIDS Day.
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Quip for the day......You know you're fat when you step on the scale and it says, "One at a time, please."
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Larryj
Today's--------old, but worth repeating.....
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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In 1859, militant abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry the previous October.
In 1927, Ford Motor Co. unveiled its Model A automobile that replaced its Model T.
In 1939, New York Municipal Airport-LaGuardia Field (later LaGuardia Airport) went into operation as an airliner from Chicago landed at one minute past midnight.
In 1982, in the first operation of its kind, doctors at the University of Utah Medical Center implanted a permanent artificial heart in the chest of retired dentist Dr. Barney Clark, who lived 112 days with the device.
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Today-----Actress Julie Harris is 87, Former Attorney General Edwin Meese III is 81, Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 68, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 67, Actor Ron Raines is 63 and Actor Keith Szarabahjka is 60.
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December 2nd is: International Day For The Abolition Of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.
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Quip for the day........The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of three of your best friends. If they are okay................then its you.
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Larryj
Today's-----more kids.......
Never underestimate the wisdom of children.
A little girl was watching her parents dress up for one of their big society parties. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she said, "Uh-oh."
Her father looked at her, and was startled by the expression of deep concern on her face.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" he asked her.
She said, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
Her father smiled and and said, "Well, why not, sweetheart?"
The little girl replied, "You know it always gives you a headache the next morning!"
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In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio -- the first truly coeducational school of higher learning in the United States -- began holding classes.
In 1947, the Tennessee Williams play "A Streetcar Named Desire" opened on Broadway.
In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa led by Dr. Christiaan Barnard, performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washiansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.
In 1992, the first telephone text message was sent by British engineer Neil Papworth, who transmitted the greeting "Merry Christmas" from his work computer in Newbury, Berkshire, to Vodafone executive Richard Jarvis' mobile phone.
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Today----Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 82, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 81, Actor Nicolas Caster is 79 and Rock singer Mickey Thomas is 63.
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December 3rd is: International Day of Disabled Persons.
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Quip for the day......Did you hear about the pessimist who opened a Chinese restaurant? He only sold misfortune cookies. (groan)
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Larryj
Today's-----------funny......
The difference between the words "completed" and "finished" have been debated endlessly.
But at a recent conference in London, attended by some of the leading linguists in the world, Smasundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, came up with a winning solution.
To the problem, stated as follows: "Some say there is no difference between the words 'completed' and 'finished.' Please explain any difference in a way that is easy to understand," and he answered as follows:
"When you marry the right woman, you are completed. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."
His answer earned a standing ovation lasting more than 5 minutes.
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York.
In 1942, U.S. bombers struck the Italian mainland for the first time in World War II.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered the dismantling of the WPA, which had been created to provide jobs during the Depression.
In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.
In 1992, President George H.W. Bush ordered American troops to lead a mercy mission to Somalia, threatening military action against warlords and gangs who were blocking food for starving millions.
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Today----Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 91, Game show host Wink Martindale is 79, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 76, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 75, Actress Gemma Jones is 70, Rock musician Bob Mosley (Moby Grape) is 70, Singer-musician Chris Hillman is 68, Musician Terry Woods (The Pogues) is 65, Rock-singer Southside Johnny Lyon is 64 and Actress Patricia Wettig is 61.
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December 4th is: National Cookie Day and National Dice Day.
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Quip for the day.......I had amnesia once....... or maybe twice.......
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Larryj
Today's----old, but one of my faves............
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" the wife asks.
The husband replies, "They're on sale -- only $10 for 24 cans."
"Put them back. We can't afford them," the wife insists. The husband grumblingly complies.
A few aisles later, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing," the husband asks.
The wife replies, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful."
The husband retorts, "So does a 24-pack of beer, and it's half the price."
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In 1776, the first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, VA.
In 1792, George Washington was re-elected president; John Adams was re-elected vice president.
In 1848, President James K Polk triggered the Gold Rus of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the United States.
In 1933, national Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.
In 1955, the American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merged to form the AFL-CIO under its first president, George Meany.
In 1962, the United States and the Soviet Union announced a bilateral space agreement on exchanging weather data from satellites, mapping Earth's magnetic field and cooperation in the experimental relay of communications.
In 2002, ABC executive Roone Arledge died in New York at age 71.
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Today------Singer Little Richard is 80, Author Joan Didion is 78, Author Calvin Trillin is 77, Musician J.J. Cale is 74, Actor Jeroen Krabbe is 68, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 66, Pop singer Jim Messina is 65, College Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Plunkett is 65, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lanny Wadkins is 63 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 61.
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December 5th is: AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.
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Quip for the day........My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
Dan didn't like dogs. In fact, he hated dogs. He didn't want dogs anywhere near him.
One morning he was driving his car down the a busy street and he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with two big dogs after him.
"I've got to save this guy," Dan thought, and with that he quickly sped up along side of the running man, abruptly stopped, rolled down his window and yelled, "Hurry! Hop in!"
"Thanks!" said the fellow, opening the door. "It's always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me. Here, Butch! Here Bluto!"
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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.
In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.
In 1889, Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans.
In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.
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Today-------Comedy performer David Ossman is 76, Actor Patrick Bauchau is 74, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 71, Actor James Naughton is 67, Rhythm and blues singer Frankie Beverly (Maze) is 66 and Actress JoBeth Williams is 64.
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December 6th is: Miners' Day, National Pawnbrokers Day and St. Nicholas Day.
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Quip for the day..............My dog can lick anyone!
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Larryj
Today's------nice guy....
Wife: "Oh, dear, I just got off the phone with my mother."
Husband: "What's the matter?"
Wife: "She's going to fly out here for a visit, but I'm worried."
Husband (concealing a grimace): "What are you worried about?"
Wife: "Flying is so expensive now. I'm worried that Mum can't afford it. Is there any way we can help her?"
Husband (after a moment's thought): "Absolutely! Call her right back and tell her I will pay for the return portion of her trip, whenever she is ready to go!"
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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1909, chemist Leo H. Baekeland received a U.S. patent for Bakelite, the first synthetic plastic.
In 1941, Japan launched a surprise attack on the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as part of its plan to conquer Southeast Asian territories; the raid, which claimed some 2,400 American lives, prompted the United States to declare war against Japan the next day.
In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral.
In 2002, Space Shuttle Endeavor returned to Earth, bringing an astronaut and a pair of cosmonauts home from a 6-month space station voyage.
In 2011, veteran character actor Harry Morgan, 96, died in Brentwood, CA.
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Today----Actor Eli Wallach is 97, Political philosopher Noam Chomsky is 84, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 80, Broadcast journalist Carole Simpson is 72, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench is 65, Actor-director-producer James Keach is 65, Country singer Gary Morris is 64 and Singer-songwriter-actor Tom Waits is 63.
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December 7th is: National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, Faux Fur Friday, International Civil Aviation Day and National Cotton Candy Day.
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Quip for the day.....My mother-in-law's other car is a broom.
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Larryj
Today's-------a little military humor.......
Pulling rank doesn't always pay.
I overheard the following conversation at an Army base the other day, and it illustrates my point.
Officer: "Say there, soldier, do you have change for dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "Buddy? You called me buddy? That's no way to address an officer!"
Soldier: "Sorry, sir."
Officer: "Okay, let's try this again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Gen. George Washington's retreating army crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey into Pennsylvania.
In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by an apparently deranged fan.
In 1987, President Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed a treaty at the White House calling for destruction of intermediate-range nuclear missiles.
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Today-------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 82, Flutist James Galway is 73, Singer Jerry Butler is 73, Pop musician Bobby Elliot is 71, Actress Mary Woronov is 69, Actor John Rubinstein is 66, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 65 and Reggae singer Toots Hibbert is 64.
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December 8th is: Day Of The Horse, International Shareware Day and Pretend To Be A Time Traveler.
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Quip for the day........Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.....
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. Not fully understanding the situation, he joins the crowd and untimately finds himself in the water, face-to-face with the preacher.
The preacher cries, "Welcome, brother! Are you ready to find Jehovah?" The man considers this for a moment, then stammers, "Yes, I am."
The preacher plunges him underwater, holds him down for a while, then lifts him up and asks, "Brother, have you found Jehovah?" The sputtering drunk replies, "No, I haven't"
The preacher tries again. The answer is the same.
The preacher makes a third attempt. "Have you found Jehovah?" he asks. The man gasps, "I don't see him. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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In 1911, an explosion inside the Cross Mountain coal mine new Bricewille, Tennessee, killed 84 workers. (Five were rescued.)
In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 1962, the Petrified Forest if Arizona was designated a national park.
In 1984, the five-day-old hijacking of a Kuwaiti jetliner that claimed the lives of two Americans ended as Iranian security men seized control of the plane, which was parked at Tehran airport.
In 2002, United Airlines filed for bankruptcy protection after losing $4 billion in the previous two years. (United emerged from bankruptcy protection in 2006.)
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Today------------Actor Dick Van Patten is 84, Actor Beau Bridges is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 70, Actor Michael Nouri is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Kite is 63, Singer Joan Armstrading is 62 and Actor Michael Dorn is 60.
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December 9th is: International Anti-Corruption Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day, Weary Willie Day and World Choral Day.
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Quip for the day.......There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.......
A cop pulls over a motorist for speeding. He pulls his gun when he sees a set of long throwing knives laid out on the motorist's passenger seat.
"I'm a juggler! Those are part of my act!" the motorist protests. "I'm running late for my next show."
The cop lowers his gun, and says, "You're a juggler, huh? Well, I'm going to ask you to prove it."
The juggler gets out of the car, with the knives, and starts juggling them. All five are in the air. He's good.
Just then another car drives by, and there are two guys in it. One guy says to the other, "Man, those sobriety tests are getting ridiculous."
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In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for helping mediate an end to the Russo-Japanese War.
In 1931, Jane Addams became the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize; the co-recipient was Nicholas Murray Butler.
In 1948, the U.N. General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights.
In 1950, Ralph J. Bunche was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the first black American to receive the award.
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Today-----------Actor Tommy Kirk is 71, Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 71, Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 71, Pop-funk musician Walter "Clyde" Orange (The Commodores) is 66, Rhythm and Blues singer Jessica Cleaves (Friends of Distinction) is 64, Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 61 and Actress Susan Dey is 60.
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December 10th is: Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day and Nobel Peace Prize Day.
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Quip for the day........AIRHEAD (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
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Larryj
Today's------old, back to the archives........
One day, a man buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT. He decides to try it out at dinner that night. As the family is sitting at the dinner table, he asks his son, "What did you do today, son?"
The son says, "I was at school." The robot slaps this son. "Okay, I was at a friend's house watching a DVD."
The father says, "What DVD were you watching?" The son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps him.
"Okay, we were watching an X-rated movie," the son says.
The father says, "That's terrible. When I was your age, I didn't even know what that kind of movie was." The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother..................
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In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.
In 1972, Apollo 17's lunar vehicle landed on the moon with astronauts Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt aboard; during three extravehicular activities, they became the last two men to date to step onto the lunar surface.
In 1981, Muhammad Ali, 39, fought his final fight, losing by unamimous decision to Trevor Berbick in Nassau, Bahamas.
In 2008, Bernie Madoff was arrested, accused of running a multibillion dollar Ponzi scheme.
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Today---Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 82, Actress Rita Moreno is 81, Pop singer David Gaters (Bread) is 72, Actress Donna Mills is 70, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., is 69, Singer Brenda Lee is 68, Actress Lynda Day George is 68, Music Producer Tony Brown is 66, Actress Teri Garr is 65 and Movie director Susan Seidelman is 60.
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December 11th is: International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.
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Quip for the day.......If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course...........at least he will shut up once he is inside.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.......
To the astonishment of everyone, especially the judge, the jury returned after long deliberations with a verdict of not guilty.
Pandemonium broke out in the courtroom. The judge pounded his gavel to restore order. He then called a recess and summoned the jury into his chambers.
"You listened to hours of credible testimony, and you examined dozens of exhibits, all pointing to the defendant's certain guilt," he said to them. "Upon what possible basis did you arrive at a verdict of not guilty?"
The jury foreman replied, "Insanity."
The judge thundered, "What! All 12 of you?"
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In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.
In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, CA.
In 1946, a United Nations committee voted to accept a six-block tract of Manhattan real estate offered as a gift by John D. Rockefeller Jr. to be the site of the U.N.'s headquarters.
In 2007, President George W. Bush vetoed a second bill that would have expanded government-provided health insurance for children.
In 2007, Ike Turner, the rock pioneer and ex-husband of Tina Turner, died in San Marcos at age 76.
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Today---Former TV host Bob Barker is 89, Former New York City Mayor Edward Koch is 88, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 80, Singer Connie Francis is 75, Singer Dionne Warwick is 72, Rock singer-musician Dickey Betts is 69, Former race car driver and two-time Formula 1 champion Emerson Fittipaldi is 66, Actor Wings Hauser is 65, Actor Bill Nighy is 63, Actor Duane Chase is 62, Country singer LaCosta is 62 and Gymnast-turned-actress Cathy Rigby is 60.
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December 12th is: Gingerbread House Day and Poinsettia Day.
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Quip for the day.........A jury is 12 people who will decide which side has the better lawyer.
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Larryj
Today's-------smart lady.....
Two grandmothers were complaining about their grandchildren.
"I'm not sure what to give them for Christmas," one of the grandmothers said. "Last year I sent money, but I didn't get a single thank you from any of them."
Said the other, "I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I figured out a solution. Last Christmas I wrote each one of my grandchildren a check, and they all came by to thank me personally."
"Wow, what was your secret?"
"I didn't sign the checks!"
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In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.
In 1962, the United States launched Relay 1, a communications satellite which retransmitted television, telephone and digital signals.
In 2000, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore conceded to Republican George W. Bush, a day after the U.S. Supreme Court shut down further recounts in Florida.
In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole under a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.
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Today------Former Secretary of State George P. Shulz is 92, Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 87, Actor Christopher Plummer is 83, Country singer Buck White is 82, Music/film producer Lou Adler is 79, Singer John Davidson is 71, Actress Kathy Garver is 67, Rock-singer-musician-outdoorsman Ted Nugent is 64, Rock musician Jeff "Skunk" Baxter is 64, Country musician Ron Getman is 64, Country singer-musician Randy Owen is 63 and Actress Wendie Malick is 62.
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December 13th is: Pick A Pathologist Pal Day.
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Quip for the day............(from a friend on FB).......Duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah....
Two wives are discussing the matter of Christmas shopping for their husbands.
"Oh, I solved the problem a long time ago," one said. "I simply give my husband a new necktie each year. He's crazy about them."
The second wife said, "How clever. Well, I'm sure I've seen him wearing many of them."
The first wife says, "Oh, no. He tells me they are too precious to him, and he doesn't want to wear them out. He has never worn a single one of them once!"
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In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, VA, home at age 67.
In 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen and his team became the first men to reach the South Pole, beating out a British expedition led by Robert F. Scott.
In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish U.N. headquarters in New York.
In 1962, the U.S. space probe Mariner 2 passed Venus at a distance of just over 21,000 miles, transmitting information about the planet, such as its hot surface temperatures and predominantly carbon dioxide atmosphere.
In 1972, Apoll 17 astronauts concluded their third and final moonwalk and blasted off for their rendezvous with the command module.
In 1986, the experimental aircraft Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, took off from Edwards Air Force Base in California on the first non-stop, non fueled flight around the world.
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Today----------Jazz musician Clark Terry is 92, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 81, Actor Hal Williams is 74, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 66, Actress Patty Duke is 66, Pop singer Joyce Vincent-Wilson (Tony Orlando and Dawn) is 66, Entertainment executive Michael Ovitz is 66, Actress Dee Wallace is 64, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Ronnie McNeir (The Four Tops) is 63 and Rock musician Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 63.
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December 14th is: Monkee Day and National Salesperson Day.
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Quip for the day.....Smile and the world smiles with you. Pass gas and you smile alone.
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Larry
Today's-----sorry, in the wake of the shootings in Connecticut, I am not up to it today.
Larryj
Today's-------oldie but goodie.......
A husband and wife are Christmas shopping. The mall is packed. The couple becomes separated.
The wife looks around impatiently, can't spot her husband, so she phones him. "Where are you?" she demands.
He replies, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we visited a few years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace, and we couldn't afford it, but I promised you I would buy it for you one day?"
The wife, overcome, says, "Oh, darling, of course I remember!"
The husband says, "Well, I'm in the Hooters Bar right next to it."
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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.
In 1811, the first of the powerful New Madrid earthquakes struck the central Mississippi Valley with an estimated magnitude of 7.7.
In 1907, 16 U.S. Navy battleships, which became known as the "Great White Fleet," set sail on a 14-month round-the-world voyage to demonstrate American sea power.
In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium; the Allies were eventually able to beat the Germans back.
In 1976, the government halted its swine flu vaccination program following reports of paralysis apparently linked to the vaccine.
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Today------Civil rights atttorney Morris Dees is 76, Actress Joyce Bulifant is 75, Actress Liv Ullmann is 74, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 71, TV producer Stephen Bochco is 69, Pop singer Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 67, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 66, Actor Ben Cross is 65, Rock singer-musician Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 63 and Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 61.
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December 16th is: Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.
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Quip for the day........Ham and eggs........a day's work for a chicken........a lifetime committment for a pig.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah........
Elephants are very, very sensitive.
If you don't believe it, here's a story that will prove the point, and it dates all the way back to Bible times.
It seems a pair of fleas was tired of waiting at the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark.
They started jumpin from one animal to another so they could move closer and closer to the front.
Finally, they landed on the back of an elephant.
The elephant turned to its mate and said, testily, "I knew it. Here we go with the pushing and shoving!"
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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.
In 1939, the German pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee was scuttled by its crew, ending the World War II Battle of the River Plate off Uruguay.
In 1944, the U.S. Army announced it was ending its policy of excluding Japanese-Americans from the West Coast.
In 1957, the United States successfully test-fired the Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time.
In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford.
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Today-----------Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 75, Actor Bernard Hill is 68, Actor Ernie Hudson is 67, Actor Joel Brooks is 63, Rock singer Paul Rodgers is 63 and Actor Wes Studi is 65.
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December 17th is: Wright Brothers Day and Free Shipping Day.
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Quip for the day........from George Carlin......If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkees and apes?
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Larryj
Today's--------groaner......
The mischievious boy found his seat on the airplane. He was flying alone.
A man took the seat next to him, and said, "Hello."
The boy answered, "Hello."
The plane took off, and neither said a word for some time. The man started reading a newspaper.
Suddenly the boy spoke. "My mother's name is Smiling, and my father's name is Laughing," he said.
The man looked at him, quizzically, and said, "You're kidding!"
The boy grinned and said, "Kidding? No, that's my brother. I'm Joking!"
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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.
In 1892, Tchaikovsky's ballet "The Nutcracker" publicly premiered in St. Petersburg, Russia.
In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.
In 1962, "Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol," an animated musical adaptation of the Charles Dickens story, first aired on NBC-TV.
In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War. (The bombardment ended 11 days later.)
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Today------Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark is 85, Actor-producer Roger Smith is 80, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 79, Actor Roger Mosley is 74, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 69, Writer-director Alan Rudoph is 69, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 66, Blues artist Ron Piazza is 65, Movie director Gillian Armstrong is 62 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 62.
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December 18th is: Answer the telephone like Buddy the Elf Day and International Migrants Day.
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Quip for the day........Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him!
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Larryj
Today's---yep.......
Thanks to the song "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," we know that Santa has 12 reindeer.
Remember the line, "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen." That makes eight reindeer.
Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.
Then there's Olive. As in, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names." That makes ten.
The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him." Eleven reindeer.
And number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee."
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA., to camp for the winter.
In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.
In 1972, Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, winding up the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.
In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice. (He was later acquitted by the Senate.)
In 2002, Secretary of State Colin Powell declared Iraq in "material breach" of a U.N. disarmament resolution.
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Today---------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 92, Actress Cicely Tyson is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 71, Actress Elaine Joyce is 69, Actor Tim Reid is 68, Rock singer Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 68, Musician John McEuen is 67, Singer Janie Fricke is 65 and Jazz musician Lenny White is 63.
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December 19th is: Day For South-South Cooperation.
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Quip for the day......Everyone knows that Santa is a man. No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.
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Larryj
Today's--------Christmas Q&A.......
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
What does Santa like to do in his garden?
Ho Ho Ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a duck wearing jingle bells?
Christmas Quacker.
Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.
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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating at Pawtucket, Rhode Island.
In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States.
In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.
In 1945, the Office of Price Administration announced the end of tire rationing, effective Jan. 1, 1946.
In 1978, former White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman was released from prison after serving 18 months for his role in the Watergate coverup.
In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.
In 2002, Trent Lott resigned as Senate Republican leader two weeks after igniting a political firestorm with racially charged remarks.
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Today------Actress Audrey Totter is 95, Actor John Hillerman is 80, Rock musician-music producer Bobby Colomby is 68, Rock musician Peter Criss is 67, Psychic/illusionist Uri Geller is 66, Producer Dick Wolf (Law & Order) is 66, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 64 and Actress Jenny Agutter is 60.
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December 20th is: International Human Solidarity Day, Mudd Day and National Re-gifting Day.
Note: The "Day for South-South Cooperation" posted yesterday is invalid....should be September 12.
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Quip for the day........The real reason Santa is so jolly.......He knows where all the bad girls live!
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Larryj
Today's-----been a busy and long day.......
I stopped for the night in a small town in the Deep South. There was a Nativity scene in the park across the street from the motel. The Three Wise Men were wearing firemen's helmets.
I asked the motel clerk about it. She said, "You Yankees! I reckon you all don't read yer Bible much." She pronounced it, "Babble."
I smiled and said I was familiar with the Bible, but I didn't recall any passages dealing with firemen.
Well, she had a Bible right there behind the counter. She whipped it out, flipped through it, found the page she wanted, then jabbed it in my face. "See!" she said, "It says right thar. 'Three Wise Men came from afar."
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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.
In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany.
In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pam Am Boeing 747 over Scotland.
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Today--------Country singer Freddie Hart is 86, Actor Ed Nelson is 84, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 77, Movie director John Avildsoen is 77, Actress Jane Fonda is 75, Singer Carla Thomas is 70, Musician Albert Lee is 69, Conductor Michael Tilson Thomas is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 64 and Movie producer Jeffrey Katzenberg is 62.
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December 21st is: Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons Remembrance Day, Phineas Fogg Win A Wager Day, Underdog Day, World Peace Day and Winter Solstice.
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Quip for the day.........That steak is so rare, a good vet could save it.
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Larryj
Today's---------Hah......
Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...
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In 1775, Esek Hopkins was appointed the commander-in-chief of the Continental Navy.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln; "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift---the city of Savannah."
In 1912, Lady Bird Johnson, the wife of President Lyndon B. Johnson, was born in Karnack, Texas.
In 1944, in the World War II Battle of the Bulge, U.S. Brig. Gen. Anthony C. McAulffe rejected a German demand for surrender, writing "Nuts!" in his reply.
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Today------Former House Speaker Jim Wright is 90, Actor Hector Elizondo is 76, Country singer Red Steagall is 74, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 68, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 67, Rock singer-musician Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) is 66, Rock singer-musician Michael Bacon is 64, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 61 and Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 64.
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December 22nd is: Ann and Samantha Day and National Haiku Poetry Day.
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Quip for the day........Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.
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Larryj
Today's---------oops........
THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY......
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control.
I scrubbed and I scraped with displeasure, I thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'll never stuff a turkey with popcorn that hasn't been popped!
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In 1783, George Washington resigned as commander in chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home at Mount Vernon, VA.
In 1788, Maryland passed an act to cede an area not exceeding ten miles square for the seat of the national government; about 2/3 of the area became the District of Columbia.
In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the night before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.
In 1928, the National Broadcasting Company set up a permanent coast-to-coast network.
In 1972, in what became known as football's "Immaculate Reception," Franco Harris of the Pittsburg Steelers caught a pass thrown by Terry Bradshaw and scored a touchdown after the ball had been deflected during a collision between Jack Tatum of the Oakland Raiders and the Steelers Johm Fuqua; the Steelers won the game (and the AFC division playoff) 13-7 despite some controversy.
In 1986, the experimental airplane Voyager piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned safely to Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today-------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 91, Actor Ronnie Schell is 81, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 77, Actor Frederic Forrest is 76, Actor James Stacy is 76, Rock musician Jorma Kaukomen is 72, Rock musician Ron Bushy is 71, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 69, Gen. Wesley Clark (ret.) is 68, Actress Susan Lucci is 66 and Singer-musician Adrian Belew is 63.
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December 23rd is: Festivus.
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Quip for the day...........When two egotists meet it's an I for an I.
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Larryj
Today's------hah......I mean, another oops........
It was the day before Christmas and the magistrate was in a magnanimous mood. He asked the prisoner who had been brought before him, "What are you charged with?"
The defendant replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
"That's no crime," the magistrate said, "Case dismissed!" He banged his gavel.
"Thank you very much, your honor," the grateful defendant said.
The judge said, "So, just how early were you doing this shopping?"
The defendant replied, "Before the store opened."
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In 1955, the Continental Air Defense Command Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, fielded a series of phone calls from children wanting to know the whereabouts of Santa Claus after an ad in a local newspaper mistakenly gave the Center's number; thus began a tradition continued by the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) of tracking Santa's location the night before Christmas.
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Today------------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Bartholomew is 92, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 68 and Rock musician Lemmy (Motorhead) is 67.
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December 24th is: Christmas Eve.
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Quip for the day...........The last thing I want to do is hurt you.......but it is still on the list.
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Larryj
Today------is Christmas Day, a time to spend with my family, a time to reflect on the meaning of Christmas and a time to enjoy the looks of my granddaughters as they open their presents. I will resume this thread tomorrow.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FORUM FRIENDS!
Larryj
Today's------and yet another oops.......
"Honey, I already know what I'm giving you next year for Christmas."
She saiid, "Oh, darling, you're so sweet. Looking forward to next year! What are you going to give me?"
"Baby, I'm going to give you a Waterford Crystal Nativity set with all the pieces."
She laughed, "Oh, honey, that's what you gave me this year!"
He replied, "I know, but I accidentally pulled it down from the mantle and broke it into a thousand pieces."
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In 1799, former President George Washington was eulogized by Col. Henry Lee as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."
In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.
In 1941, during World War II, Winston Churchill became the first British prime minister to address a joint meeting of the U.S. Congress.
In 1966, Kwanzaa was first celebrated.
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Today--------Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 79, Rhythm and Blues singer Abdul "Duke" Fakir (The Four Tops) is 77, Record producer Phil Spector is 73, "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 67, Country musician Bob Carpenter (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66, Baseball Hall-of-Fame catcher Carlton Fisk is 65 and Retired MLB All-Star Chris Chambliss is 64.
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December 26th is: Boxing Day (Canada), Natiional Candy Cane Day, National Thank You Note Day and National Whiners Day.
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Quip for the day.......All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah......
Dear Lord, so far this year, I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I haven't broken any commandments. I've committed no crimes.
I haven't cheated on my spouse. I haven't lied or conned anyone. I'm very thankful for that.
But, in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed. It's a little after 6 in the morning on January 1. From here on out, I'm going to need a lot of help..........a lot of help.
Thank you, Lord.
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In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall opened to the public in midtown Manhattan.
In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.
In 1947, the original version of the puppet character Howdy Doody made its TV debut on NBC's "Puppet Playhouse."
In 1985, American naturalist Dian Fossey, 53, who had studied gorillas in the wild in Rwanda, was found hacked to death.
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Today-----Rockabilly musician Scotty Moore is 81, Actor John Amos is 73, Actress Charmian Carr is 70, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 69, Rock musician Mick Jones is 68, Singer Tracy Nelson is 68, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 64, Jazz singer-musician T.S. Monk is 63, Singer-songwriter Karla Bonoff is 61, Actress Tovah Feldshuh is 60 and Rock musician David Knopfler is 60.
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December 27th is: Saint John's Day.
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Quip for the day............Jesus loves you.............everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
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Larryj
Today's----New Year's quotations.......
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves....Bill Vaughn.
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account......Oscar Wilde.
I'm a littlle bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser......Robert Paul.
New Year's Eve -- when auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back postitive........Jay Leno.
New Year's Day is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving Hell with them as usual........Mark Twain.
Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?....Ogden Nash.
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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.
In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the Union.
In 1912, San Francisco's Municipal Railway began operations with Mayor James Rolph Jr. at the controls of Streetcar No. 1 as 50,000 spectators looked on.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 2011, Kaye Stevens, singer and actress who performed with the Rat Pack and was a frequent guest on Johnny Carson's "The Tonight Show," died in The Viilages, Florida, at age 79.
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Today------Actor Martin Milner is 81, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 80, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 78, Rock singer-musician Charles Neville is 74, Rock singer-musician Edgar Winter is 66 and Comic book creator Stan Lee is 90.
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December 28th is: Holy Innocents Day, National Chocolate Day (28-29) and Pledge Of Allegiance Day.
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Quip for the day........A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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Larryj
Today's-----------sounds like my house.....
Finally, a stress-free New Year's diet that works!
Breakfast:
1 slice of whole wheat toast
1 half grapefruit.
Lunch:
1 portion lean grilled chicken
1 portion steamed spinach
1 chocolate biscuit.
Afternoon snack:
Rest of package of chocolate biscuits.
Dinner:
1 slice pizza
1 small salad
1 4-ounce glass of red wine.
Bedtime snack:
Rest of pizza
Rest of bottle of wine.
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In 1812, during the War of 1812, the American frigate USS Constitution engaged and severely damaged the British frigate HMS Java off Brazil.
In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.
In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre occurred in South Dakota as about 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.
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Today------Actress Inga Swensen is 80, ABC newscaster Tom Jarriel is 78, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 76, Actress Barbara Steele is 75, Actor Jon Voight is 74, Country singer Ed Bruce is 73, Rock musician Ray Thomas is 71, Singer Marianne Faithful is 66, Jockey Laffit Pincay Jr. is 66 and Actor Ted Danson is 65.
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December 29th is: Tick Tock Day.
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Quip for the day........I was thinking about making a New Year's resolution, but what the heck --- why tamper with perfection.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.......
The fellow overdid it at the New Year's Eve party, but he had the good sense to call for a cab. That's about all the sense he had.
He collapsed in the back seat and ordered, "Drive me around the block a hundred times!"
The cabbie had seen it all. He shrugged and said, "Sure, chief, whatever you say."
Around and around the block they went. On the 65th trip, the soused fellow is back roused himself from his nap and shouted with a stern hiccup, "And step on it. I'm in a hurry!"
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In 1853, the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.
In 1936, the United Auto Workers union staged its first "sit-down" strike at the General Motors Fisher Body Plant No. 1 in Flint, Michigan. (The strike lasted until Feb. 11, 1937.)
In 1940, California's first freeway, the Arroyo Seco Parkway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena, was officially opened by Gov. Culbert L. Olson. (Note: It is more commonly referred to as the Pasadena Freeway or the 110 freeway now and is, in my opinion, one of the scariest freeways to try to enter. Many onramps have a stop sign at the bottom entrance to the freeway which requires "gunning it" to keep from getting hit while entering the freeway. It is true that we now have regulated stop signals on other freeway onramps, but they are located far enough back allowing people to get up to speed before entering the freeway.)
In 1972, the United States halted its heavy bombing of North Vietnam.
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Today------Actor Joseph Bologna is 78, Actor Russ Tamblyn is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 77, Actor Jack Riley is 77, Folk singer Noel Paul Stookey is 75, Actor Fred Ward is 70, Singer-musician Michael Nesmith is 70, Actress Concetta Tomei is 67, Singer-songwriter-artist Patti Smith is 66 and Rock singer-musician Jeff Lynne is 65.
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December 30th is: Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.
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Quip for the day........Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
The gentleman was smitten with a certain beautiful lady he spied from a distance the the New Year's Eve party. He made several trips to the punchbowl, working up his courage and trying out various lines of introduction in his mind.
Finally, he approached her and invited her, with perfect diplomacy, to accompany him on a visit outside to enjoy a moment of fresh air. To his delight, she agreed.
He so wanted to make a good impression. He took great care to manage his somewhat tipsy gait as he escorted her across the patio, down a few steps and to the edge of a long reflecting pool.
"Good god!" he suddenly cried, as he caught sight of something in the pool. "Whatever is that?"
"Why, it's only the moon," the lady said to him.
He looked down at it in complete terror, and whimpered, "Then how did we get way up here?"
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In 1775, during the Revolutionary War, the British repulsed an attack by Continental Army generals Richard Montgomery and Benedict Arnold at Quebec; Montgomery was killed.
In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, NJ.
In 1972, Major League baseball player Roberto Clemente, 38, was killed when a plane he'd chartered, and was traveling on to bring relief supplies to earthquake-devastated Nicaragua, crashed shortly after takeoff from Puerto Rico.
In 1985, singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Year's Eve performance in Dallas.
In 1992, President George H.W. Bush visited Somalia, where he saw firsthand the famine racking the east African nation, and praised U.S. troops who were providing relief to the starving population.
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Today--------TV producer George Schlatter is 83, Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 75, Actor Tim Considine ("My Three Sons") is 72, Actress Sarah Miles is 71, Rock musician Andy Summers is 70, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 69, Fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg is 66, Actor Tim Matheson is 65, Pop singer Burton Cummings is 65, Actor Joe Dallesandro is 64 and Rock musician Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith) is 61.
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December 31st is: Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour of Peace Day, World Peace Meditation Day and New Year's Eve.
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Quip for the day........Tonight's forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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Larryj
Today's------New Year's quotations........
Some men get so drunk at those New Year's Eve parties, they actually kiss their wives......P.J. O'Rourke.
It wouldn't be a proper New Year if I didn't have a few regrets......William Thomas.
I was thinking about giving up drinking in the New Year. Then I realized it would be easier to give up thinking instead.....W.C. Fields.
Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to......Bill Vaughn.
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year's, but they really should be worried about what they eat between New Year's and Christmas........Anonymous.
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed and issued the Emancipation Proclamation, declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."
In 1890, the first Tournament of Roses Parade was held in Pasadena.
In 1892, the Ellis Island immigrant station in New York was formally opened.
In 1913, the U.S. Parcel Post system went into operation.
In 1953, country singer Hank Williams Sr., 29, was discovered dead in the back seat of his car during a stop in Oak Hill, WVA, while he was being driven to a concert date in Canton, Ohio.
In 1983, the current version of the Internet came into being as the Internet protocol suite, commonly known as TCP/IP, became the mandatory standard.
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Today--------------Actor Ty Hardin is 83, Documentary maker Frederick Wiseman is 83, Actor Frank Langella is 75, Rock singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 71, Writer-comedian Don Novello is 70, Actor Rick Hurst is 67 and Country singer Steve Ripley (The Tractors) is 63.
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January 1st is: Copyright Law Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, Global Family Day, First Foot Day, Mummer's Parade, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge Day, St. Basil's Day, Z Day, Rose Bowl Game, Tournament of Roses Parade Day and New Year's Day.
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Quip for the day..........Many years ago I resolved to never bother with New Year's resolutions and I've stuck with it ever since.
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Larryj
Today's------funny.......
If you're resolved to make health and fitness a priority in the new year, you should know that many others have done the same in years gone by. Here are a few of their testimonials.
"I joined one of those expensive health clubs, and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!"
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate."
"Hey, I'm over the hill. That was exercise, right?"
"Whenever I worry about my personal appearance, I find a bar with a happy hour, and by the time I leave, I look just fine."
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In 1788, Georgia became the fourth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1935, Bruno Hauptmann went on trial in Flemington, NJ., on charges of kidnapping and murdering the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (Hauptman was found guilty and executed.)
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55 miles an hour. (Federal speed limits were abolished in 1995.)
In 2006, 12 miners died in a methane gas explosion at the Sago Mine in West Virginia, but one miner, Randal McCloy Jr., was eventually rescued.
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Today--------Country musician Harold Bradley is 87, Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is 71, Zookeeper Jack Hanna is 66 and Actress Wendy Phillips is 61.
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Janurary 2nd is: Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation and Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day, National Science Fiction Day and 55-MPH Speed Limit Day.
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Quip for the day........If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating too slowly.
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Larryj
Today's-------"old" day.........
Two elderly neighbors meet at the fence and start talking.
"What's new with you, Clarence?"
"Actually, Stanley, I have some great news. I finally saw a doctor about my hearing loss."
Stanley: "That's great, Clarence. You've been going deaf, alright. What did the doctor do for you?"
Clarence: "Well, he fixed me up with this fancy new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but let me tell you, it is state-of-the-art! I can hear perfectly now."
Stanley: "Wow, what kind is it?"
Clarence, checking his wrist: "It's 12:30."
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In 1911, the first postal savings banks were opened by the U.S. Post Office. (The banks were abolished in 1966.)
In 1938, the March of Dimes campaign to fight polio was established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who himself had been afflicted with the crippling disease.
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced the United States was formally terminating diplomatic and consular relations with Cuba.
In 1967, Jack Ruby, the man who shot and killed accused presidential assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, died in a Dallas hospital.
In 1980, conservationist Joy Adams, author of "Born Free," was killed in northern Kenya by a former employee.
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Today------Actor Robert Loggia is 83, Actor Dabney Coleman is 81, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 77, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Hull is 74, Singer-songwriter-producer Van Dyke Parks is 70, Singer-songwriter-musician Stephen Stills is 68, Rock musician John Paul Jones is 67 and Actress Victoria Principal is 63.
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January 3rd is: Drinking Straw Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.
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Quip for the day..........Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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Larryj
Today's------Thoughts to ponder........
So, if hell freezes over, does the snowball have a chance?
If you're bailing water out of a sinking boat, does it matter whether the glass is half full or half empty?
Why, oh why, did Noah save those chiggers, ticks and mosquitoes?
How could Nero fiddle while Rome burned, when the fiddle wasn't invented for another 1500 years?
Time flies when you're having fun, but time isn't fun when you're having flies.
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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.
In 1896, Utah was admitted as the 45th state.
In 1904, the Supreme Court, in Gonzales v. Williams, ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the United States freely; however, the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.
In 1943, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin appeared on the cover of Time as the magazine's 1942 "Man of the Year."
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.
In 2007, Nancy Pelosi was elected the first female speaker of the House as Democrats took control of Congress.
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Today-------Actress Barbara Rush is 86, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 83, Actress Dyan Cannon is 76 and Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 70.
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January 4th is: Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.
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Quip for the day.....The older you get the better you realize you were.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah........
An elderly gentleman, very distinguished in appearance, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is dressed in a designer suit, and there is a freshly cut flower in his lapel. His silver hair is impeccably groomed.
Seated at the bar is a fine looking lady of a certain age, who also is quite elegant in appearance.
Her heart skips a beat as the gentleman walks over, takes the seat next to hers, and orders a strong martini. The drink arrives and he takes it in one gulp. He then looks at her and smiles. He clears his throat to speak.
She waits for what she is sure will be a memorable opening line.
He asks her, "Tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"
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In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Virginia.
In 1896, an Austrian newspaper, Wiener Presse, reported the discovery by German physicist Wilheim Roentgen of a type of radiation that came to be known as X-rays.
In 1925, Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming became America's first female governor.
In 1949, in his State of the Union address, President Harry S. Truman labeled his administration the Fair Deal.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon announced that he had ordered development of the space shuttle.
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Today-----Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 85, Pro Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 81, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 71, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 67, Actor Ted Lange is 65, Rhythm-and-blues musician George "Funky" Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 64, Rock musician Chris Stein (Blondie) is 63, Former CIA Director George Tenet is 60, Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 60 and Actor Robert Duvall is 82.
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January 5th is: Bean Day and Bird Day.
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Quip for the day..........To some it's a six-pack...........to me it's a support group.
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Larryj
Today's-------high tech.....
We live in an age of instant information and high-speed communication. We mustn't forget the basics, though. Choosing your words carefully is even more important than ever.
Here's an example of how things can go wrong.
On a recent cold winter's day, a wife texted her husband, who was at work. "Windows frozen, won't open."
Her husband texted back: "Pour lukewarm water over it."
Five minutes later, the wife texted: "Didn't work. Computer completely screwed up now."
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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Curtis were married in New Kent County, Virginia.
In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful demonstration of their telgraph, in Morristown, New Jersey.
In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, New York, at age 60.
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of "Four Freedoms"; Freedom of speech and expression; the freedom of people to worship God in their own way; Freedom from want; Freedom from fear.
In 1963, "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" premiered on NBC-TV.
In 1993, Jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, 75, died in Englewood, New Jersey.
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Today------Retired MLB All-Star Ralph Branco is 87, Author E.L. Doctorow is 82, Actress Bonnie Franklin is 69, Country musician Joey, The CowPolka King, is 64, Rock singer-musician Kim Wilson is 62 and Singer Jett Williams is 60.
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January 6th is: Epiphany or Twelth Night and Three Kings Day.
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Quip for the day.....BEWARE! A new computer virus called the Prozac virus......Screws up your RAM, but your processer doesn't care.
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Larryj
Today's-----one-liners, some old, some new......
I had amnesia once ------or twice.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't pull his pants on.
Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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In 1789, the first U.S. presidential election was held. Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation's first president.
In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, New Jersey, as Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.
In 1927, commercial transatlantic telephone service was inaugurated between New York and London.
In 1953, President Harry S. Truman announced in his State of the Union message to Congress that the United States had developed a hydrogen bomb.
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Today---Pop musician Paul Revere is 75, Magazine publisher Jann Wenner is 67, Singer Kenny Loggins is 65, Latin pop singer Juan Gabriel is 63 and Actress Erin Gray is 63.
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January 7th is: Harlem Globetrotters Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmers' Day, Orthodox Christmas, National Tempera Day and "Thank God It's Monday" Day.
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Quip for the day.......In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
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Larryj
Today's----new twist on an old joke.....
A doctor on his morning walk decided to vary his routine, so he turned down an unfamiliar street. He stopped in his tracks when he encountered a wrinkled little lady sitting on her front steps smoking a cigarette. She smiled and waved at him..
He said, "Forgive me, but I'm a doctor and I don't see too many women smoking at your age."
She laughed and said, "I always smoke after I drink."
Shocked, the doctor said, "You haven't been drinking, have you? It's only morning."
"Are you nuts? I can't eat a whole box of sugared doughnuts without a few beers!"
"Good Heavens!" the doctor exclaimed. "Junk food. Booze. Cigarettes. I'll bet you don't get any exercise either."
"Wrong," she said, "I still chase after the men."
The doctor said, "Amazing! How old are you anyway?"
She answered, "Thirty."
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In 1790, President George Washington delivered his first State of the Union address to Congress in New York.
In 1863, America's First Transcontinental Railroad had its beginnings as California Governor Leland Stanford broke ground for the Central Pacific Railroad in Sacramento. (The transcontinental railroad was completed in Promontory, Utah, in May 1869.)
In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson outlined his Fourteen Points for lasting peace after World War I.
In 1918, Mississiippi became the first state to ratify the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which established Prohibition.
In 1935, rock "n" roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.
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Today-----Former Independent Counsel Lawrence E. Walsh is 101, Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 90, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 80, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 75, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Anthony Gourdine (Little Anthony and the Imprerials) is 72, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 71, Rock singer David Bowie is 66 and Rock musician Robby Krieger is 67.
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January 8th is: Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National English Toffee Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, National Joy Germ Day, Show And Tell At Work and War On Poverty Day.
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Quip for the day....My doctor recently told me that jogging could add ten years to my life. He was right. I've only been jogging once and I feel ten years older already.
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Larryj
Today's-------kids.......
The teacher announced to her class; "I want each of you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said, "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here, he would give us all a shiny penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R, and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly baked cookie."
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no, wait, A-C-K, no...."
Little Johnny raised his hand. "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E, and he would give us all 10 to 1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant.'"
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In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, California.
In 1931, Bobbi Trout and Edna May Cooper broke an endurance record for female aviators as they returned to Mines Field in Los Angeles after flying a Curtiss Robin monoplane continuously for 122 hours and 50 minutes.
In 1951, the United Nations headquarters in New York officially opened.
In 1968, the Surveyor 7 space probe made a soft landing on the moon, marking the end of the American series of unmanned explorations of the lunar surface.
In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.
In 1987, the White House released a Jan. 1986 memorandum prepared for President Ronald Reagan by Lt. Col. Oliver L. North showing a link between U.S. arms sales to Iran and the release of American hostages in Lebanon.
In 2003, U.N. weapons inspectors said there was no "smoking gun" to prove Iraq had nuclear, chemical or biological weapons, but they demanded that Baghdad provide private access to scientists and fresh evidence to back its claim that it had destroyed its weapons of mass destruction.
In 2008, Johnny Grant, the honorary mayor of Hollywood, died in Los Angeles at age 84.
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Today------Author Judith Krantz is 85, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 79, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 78, Actress K. Callan is 77, Folk singer Joan Baez is 72, Rockabilly singer Roy Head is 72, Singer David Johansen (aka Buster Poindexter) is 63, Singer Crystal Gayle is 62 and Rock musician Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) is 69.
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January 9th is: Balloon Ascension Day, National Static Electricity Day and Panama Martyr Day.
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Quip for the day........You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.
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Larryj
Today's------dumb, back to the archives........
A priest falls on hard times and is forced to sell his beloved horse. He explains to the new owner, "Remember now, you say, "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop."
"Okay, I've got it!" the new owner says, and says, "Giddap" to no result. "Oh yeah, Praise the Lord" he says, and the horse starts off. This is nice, but I'd like to go a bit faster, he says to himself, so he says, "Praise the Lord" again, and goes a bit faster. This continues a few more times until he is running along very fast. There is a cliff ahead.
"Stop, Whoa, Stop, Oh yeah, Amen!!!!!"
The horse stops an inch from the edge of the cliff.
The guy wipes his brow and sighs, "Praise the Lord".
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In 1776, Thomas Payne anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense," which argued for American independence from British rule.
In 1920, the League of Nations was established as the Treaty of Versailles went into effect.
In 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.
In 1984, the United States and the Vatican established full diplomatic relations for the first time in more than a century.
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Today----Opera singer Sherrill Milnes is 78, Blues artist Eddy Clearwater is 78, Rock singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 78, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 75, Movie director Walter Hill is 73, Singer Frank Sinatra Jr. is 69, Singer Rod Stewart is 68, Rock singer-musician Donald Fagen is 65, Actor William Sanderson is 65, Rock singer Alejandro Escovedo is 62, Rock musician Scott Thurston is 61, Singer Pat Benatar is 60, Hall of Fame race car driver and team owner Bobby Rahal is 60 and Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 64.
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January 10th is: National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League of Nations Day.
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Quip for the day.......Old Indian Adage-----When the chips are down........the buffalo is empty.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.......
It was Sally's first time serving jury duty and she was a bit apprehensive. "I would like you to know," she told the judge, "that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect."
"That's OK," the judge said, "It probably won't be an issue in the case. The plaintiff is suing he ex-husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom."
Sally replied, "Alright, I'll be happy to serve on this jury. And I'm rethinking my stand against capital punishment."
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In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument. (It became a national park in 1919.)
In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automobile Show in New York.
In 1927, the creation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was proposed during a dinner of Hollywood luminaries at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles.
In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.
In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.
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Today-------Producer Grant Tinker is 88, Actor Rod Taylor is 83, Composer Mary Rodgers is 82, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 79, Actor Felix Silla is 76, Movie director Joel Zwick is 71, Country singer Naomi Judd is 67 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 61.
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January 11th is: Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day and National Human Trafficking Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day........A very rich couple got divorced and their lawyers lived happily everafter.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but still funny......
A lady was at the beauty parlor getting her hair styled for a European vacation.
"Where are you going?" the hairdresser asked.
"Rome," the lady replied.
"Rome is filthy. You'll hate it. Where are you staying?"
"Oh, this cute little place called La Duchessa."
"It's a dump. I have friends who said it was awful. What are you doing in Rome?"
"The Vatican, for sure. See the Pope......."
"Don't bother. You'll never get close."
A month later, the lady was back in the beauty shop. The hairdresser asked, "How was your trip?"
"Fantastic! Rome was wonderful. The placed we stayed was adorable. And when we visited the Vatican, we were among a small group invited inside for a personal audience with the Pope."
"Holy cow! What did the pope say to you?"
"He laid his hand on my shoulder and said, "Who did your hair? It's awful!"
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In 1828, the United States and Mexico signed a Treaty of Limits defining the boundary between the two countries to be the same as the one established by an 1819 treaty between the U.S. and Spain.
In 1912, textile workers at the Everett Mill in Lawrence, MA., (most of them immigrant women) walked off the job to protest wage cuts.
In 1915, the House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.
In 1932, Hattie W. Caraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate after initially being appointed to serve out the remainder of the term of her late husband, Thaddeus.
In 1948, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Sipuel v. Board of Regents of University of Oklahoma, ruled that state law schools could not discriminate against applicants on the basis of race.
In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.
In 1971, the groundbreaking situation comedy "All in the Family" premiered on CBS television.
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Today------Actress Luise Rainer is 103, Country singer Ray Price is 87, Singer Glenn Yarbrough is 83, The "Amazing" Kreskin is 78, Country singer William Lee Golden is 74, Actor Anthony Andrews is 65, Movie director Wayne Wang is 64, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 62, Actress Kirstie Alley is 62 and Country singer Ricky Van Shelton is 61.
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January 12th is: Fruitcake Toss Day and Miss America Pageant.
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Quip for the day.........Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
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Larryj
Larry, I appreciate you posting these every day. I enjoy reading them, especially the birthday lists. Funny though, how no one younger than 60 has a birthday listed...maybe all the noteworthy celebrities were born before 1950. :D Just kidding. Keep up the good work!
Larry, I appreciate you posting these every day. I enjoy reading them, especially the birthday lists. Funny though, how no one younger than 60 has a birthday listed...maybe all the noteworthy celebrities were born before 1950. :D Just kidding. Keep up the good work!
Thanks. I think we should have a good laugh each day or read something that makes us think about a day in history or why there is a "wacky" holiday to celebrate.
I could post all those who have birthdays on a particular day, but the list is usually long and not worth using up all the space. I decided that since most of the Forum members are middleaged or older, they would only be interested in those who are older than 60. I, for one, don't even recognize most of the ones that are under 60. So I decided that 60 would be a good cut-off age. I am glad you enjoy it.
Larryj
Today's-------BIG OOPS! :o
A wife comes home one evening and enters the bedroom. In the dim light, under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of two.
She grabs the baseball bat behind the door and starts pounding on the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the newspaper.
"Hi, darling," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, and I let them stay in our bedroom. You should go say hello."
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In 1733, James Oglethorpe and some 120 colonists arrived at Charleston, S.C.
In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union.
In 1966, Robert C. Weaver was named Secretary of Housing and Urban Development by President Lyndon B. Johnson; Weaver became the first black Cabinet member.
In 1990, L. Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the nation's first elected black governor.
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Today---------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 83, TV personality Nick Clooney is 79, Comedian Rip Taylor is 79, Actor Billy Gray is 75 and Actor Richard Moll is 70.
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January 13th is: Public Radio Broadcasting Day, Rubber Duckie Day and Stephen Foster Day.
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Quip for the day....I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out she will kill me.
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Larryj
Today's---kids......
Attending a wedding for the first time, the little girl whispered to the mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother whispered, "Because white is the color of brightness, and today is the brightest, happiest day of her life."
The little girl thought about this for a moment. Then she tugged on her mother's sleeve and whispered, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and French General Charles de Gaulle opened a wartime conference in Casablanca.
In 1993, TV talk show host David Letterman announced he was moving from NBC to CBS.
In 2008, Republican Bobby Jindal, the first elected Indian-American governor in the United States, took office in Louisiana.
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Today-------Former NAACP Chairman Julian Bond is 73, Actress Faye Dunaway is 72, Movie writer-director Lawrence Kasdan is 64 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd is 61.
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January 14th is: Caesarian Section Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.
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Quip for the day.......The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
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Larryj
Today's------old favorite.......
Sandy and Norman were in dispair. Their 5-year-old son Timmy had never spoken. Not a single word.
They had taken him to specialists, but to no avail. They read books and done research on the Internet. They could find no solution to the problem.
One morning, at breakfast, Timmy announced, "The toast is burnt."
Sandy and Norman sat there is shock. Timmy not only had spoken his first words, but he had uttered an entire sentence.
Sandy started crying with joy. Norman went over and gave Timmy a big hug. He said, "Timmy, you can speak! Why haven't you said anything until now?"
Timmy answered, "You never burnt the dang toast before."
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In 1913, actor Lloyd Bridges was born in San Leandro, CA.
In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta, Georgia.
In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War.
In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia," were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot; her slaying remains unsolved.
In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got married at San Francisco City Hall.
In 2009, US Airways Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger ditched his Airbus 320 in the Hudson River after a flock of birds disabled both engines; all 155 people aboard survived.
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Today-----------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 76 and Actress Andrea Martin is 66.
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January 15th is: Humanitarian Day.
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Quip for the day...........We don't need gun control. We need idiot control.
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Larryj
Today's--------good one.......
It's all in the wording, isn't it?
Jim was always sort of a grouch, but today he was REALLY in a bad mood. He walked into his favorite diner. He was used to the place. And the place was used to him.
He plopped himself down at the counter. "Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes," he snapped at the waitress.
Shortly, his order was brought out. Jim harumphed. The waitress said brightly, "Enjoy!" She walked away.
Jim took a look at his plate, then poked at the steak with his fork, then hollered after the waitress, "Say, didn't you hear me say WELL DONE?"
The waitress called back, "Why, thank you! That's the nicest compliment I've heard all day. I'm ALWAYS happy to hear about it when I've done well."
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In 1883, the U.S. Civil Servcice Commission was established.
In 1920, Prohibition began in the United States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after its ratification. (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)
In 1935, fugitive gangster Fred Barker and his mother, Kate "Ma" Barker, were killed in a shootout with the FBI at Lake Weir, Florida.
In 1942, actress Carole Lombard, 33, her mother Elizabeth and 20 other people were killed when their plane crashed near Las Vegas while en route to California from a war-bond promotion tour.
In 1978, NASA named 35 candidates to fly on the space shuttle, including Sally K. Ride, who became America's first woman in space, and Guion S. Bluford Jr., who became America's first black astronaut in space.
In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off under extremely tight security for what turned out to be its last flight; on board was Israel's first astronaut, llan Ramon. (The mission ended in tragedy on Feb. 1 when the shuttle broke up during its return descent, killing all seven crew members.)
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Today---------Author William Kennedy is 85, Author-editor Norman Podoretz is 83, Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 79, Hall-of-Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 78, Singer Barbara Lynn is 71, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 70, Country singer Jim Stafford is 69, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 66, Movie director John Carpenter is 65 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 63.
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January 16th is: Appreciate A Dragon Day, Nothing Day, Robert E. Lee Day and Religious Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day......A bad attitude is like a flat tire......you can't go anywhere until you change it.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops.......
Two friends were working a construction site. One accidently cuts his arm off and his buddy grabs the arm, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his friend to the hospital. The next day, he goes to visit his friend and finds him playing ping-pong! He thinks to himself how wonderful medical technology has advanced.
Sometime later, the guy who cut off his arm cuts off his leg. Again, his buddy grabs the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his friend to the hospital. The next day, he goes to visit and finds his friend jogging up and down the corridor. Again, he marvels at the wonderful medical technology.
After a few weeks, the guy who had cut off his arm and then his leg fell against a big saw and cut off his head. His friend grabs the head and puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his buddy to the hospital. The next day, he goes to visit, expecting the greatest of medical miracles, but can't find his friend. He finds the doctor and asks about him. The doctor replied, "Sorry, we just couldn't save him. Some fool put his head in a plastic bag and he
ARE YOU READY?
suffocated.
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In 1929, Popeye the Sailor debuted in the "Thimble Theate" comic strip.
In 1950, the Great Brink's Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders. (Although the entire gang was caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower delivered his last address and warned against "the acquistion of unwarranted influence whether sought or unsought by the military-industrial complex."
In 1977, convicted murderer Gary Gilmore, 36, was shot by a firing squad at Utah State Prison in the first U.S. execution in a decade.
In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California, killing at least 72 people.
In 2007, Bobby Fischer, the chess grandmaster who became a Cold War icon when he dethroned the Soviet Union's Boris Spassky as world champion in 1972, died in Reykjavik, Iceland, at age 64.
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Today--------Actor James Earl Jones is 82, Talk show host Maury Povich is 74, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 71, Pop singer Chris Montez is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer William Hart is 68, Rock singer Mick Taylor is 65 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Sheila Hutchinson is 60.
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January 17th is: Cable Car Day, Hot Heads Chili Days (17-18), Judgement Day and Kid Inventor's Day.
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Quip for the day.....Contrary to popular belief, Roe v. Wade is not about a decision on how to cross a river.
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Larryj
Today's--------------another take on an oldie.....
He wasn't sure if the dog was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog was indeed dead.
He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dog's face and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.
The man asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550."
The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."
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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the present-day Hawaiian Islands, which he named the Sandwich Islands.
In 1911, the first landing of an aircraft on a ship took place as pilot Eugene B. Ely brought his Curtiss biplane in for a safe landing on the deck of the armored cruiser USS Pennsylvania in San Francisco Harbor.
In 1949, Charles Ponzi, engineer of one of the most spectacular mass swindles in history, died destitute at a hospital in Brazil at age 66.
In 1957, a trio of B-52's completed the first non-stop, round-the-world flight by jet planes, landing at March Air Force Base in California after more than 45 hours aloft.
In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, Massachusetts, of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses. (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison in 1973.)
In 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday was observed in all 50 states for the first time.
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Today--------Movie director John Boorman is 80, Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 72 and Comedian-singer-musician Brett Hudson is 60.
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January 18th is: Winnie The Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day, National Sanctity of Human Life Day, Women In Blue Jeans Day and International Fetish Day.
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Quip for the day.........Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny......
Harry was very excited about his upcoming marriage. At the club he could talk about nothing else.
One of his older friends, Ned, clapped him on the back at one point and said, "Congratulations, Harry! I've been married for more than 20 years, and I can tell you that you always are going to remember today as the happiest day of your life!"
Harry said, "Thanks very much, Ned, but I'm not getting married until tomorrow."
Ned said, "I know."
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In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.
In 1953, CBS-TV aired the widely watched episode of "I Love Lucy" in which Lucy Ricardo, played by Lucille Ball, gave birth to Little Ricky. (By coincidence, Ball gave birth the same day to her son, Desi Arnaz, Jr.)
In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the permission of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
In 1960, the Treaty of Mutual Cooperation and Security between Japan and the United States of America was signed by both countries in Washington, D.C.
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Today----Actress Jean Stapleton is 90, Actor Fritz Weaver is 87, Actress Tippi Hedren is 83, Former PBS newsman Robert MacNeil is 82, Movie director Richard Lester is 81, Singer Phil Everly is 74, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 71, Actress Shelley Fabares is 69, Country singer Dolly Parton is 67, ABC newswoman Ann Compton is 66 and TV chef Paula Deen is 66.
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January 19th is: Popcorn Day, Tin Can Day and National Day of Service.
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Quip for the day......I've never forgotten the day I got married............and don't think I haven't tried.
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Larryj
Today's-------a different take on an old one..........
The mayor visits a factory. To the boss's great surprise, the mayor greets one of the employees, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens the next week when the governor visits, and the week after that when the president drops in.
The boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the Pope."
Morton shrugs. "We play golf together."
The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears side by side with the Pope.
Two tourists from New Zealand tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing there with Morton?"
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(the original was better)
A very rich Texan had heard that this guy Sam knew everybody in the whole world. He doesn't believe it, so he goes to Sam and says, "I bet $10,000 you don't know everybody in the whole world."
Sam says, "Well, you can keep your money. I do know eveyone in the whole world."
The Texan says, "Let's prove it by going to the Governor's office and see if you and he know each other." So they go to the Governor's office, walk in and the Governor stands up and says, "Hey, Sam, how's it going?"
The Texan says, "Well, I bet you and the President don't know each other." So they fly to Washington and walk into the Oval Office and the President stands up and says, "Hey, Sam, what a nice surprise to have you visit me."
The Texan, getting frustrated, says, "Alright, I bet $1,000,000 you and the Pope don't know each other." Sam says, "I told you I know everybody. Keep your money." The Texan says, "Nope, I need you to prove it to me."
So they fly to the Vatican. Now, Sam, being a good Catholic, is allowed into the Pope's private chamber, while the Texan has to wait in the plaza below. The Pope says, "Hey, Sam, it's good to see you. Come on out to the balcony with me. I am about to bless the crowd in the plaza." So they go out onto the balcony and Sam looks down and sees the Texan fainted dead away. He rushes down and revives him and tells him, "You can keep your money. I don't need it."
The Texan looks at him and says, "Oh, it's not about the money. It's the 10,000 Italians asking who is the guy standing up there with Sam?"
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In 1887, the U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.
In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.
In 2003, Secretary of State Colin Powell, faced with stiff resistance and calls for caution, bluntly told the Security Council the the U.N. "must not shrink" from its responsibility to disarm Saddam Hussein's Iraq.
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Today------Country singer Slim Whitman is 89, Comedian Arte Johnson is 84, Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 73, Singer Eric Stewart is 68, Movie director David Lynch is 67, Country-rock musician George Grantham is 66, Actor Daniel Benzali is 63, Rock musician Paul Stanley is 61, Rock musician Ian Hill is 61 and Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 83.
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January 20th is: Camcorder Day, National Disc Jockey Day and World Religion Day.
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Quip for the day.......It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling.
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Larryj
Today's--------oopsie catagory........
Wilson wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the very hotel in Florida where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he goes a day early to make all the arrangements.
That night he emails her, but he misspells the address so it goes to recently widowed woman.
Later, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer.
On the screen is this email: "Darling, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. Pack light. It's really hot down here!"
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In 1908, New York City's Board of Aldermen passed an ordinance prohibiting women from smoking in public. (The measure was vetoed two weeks later by Mayor George B. McClellan Jr.)
In 1954, the first atomic submarine, the USS Nautilus, was launched at Groton, Connecticut. (However, the Nautilus did not make its first nuclear-powered run until nearly a year later.)
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Today-------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 73, Singer Richie Havens is 72, Singer Mac Davis is 71, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 66, Country musician Jim Ibbotson (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66, Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 63 and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is 60.
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January 21st is: Inauguration Day, National Hugging Day, AFRMA Fancy Rat and Mouse Day, Martin Luther King Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.........A procrastinator's work is never done.
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Larryj
Today's----thanks.......
A man calls a radio DJ and says, "I just found a wallet with a thousand dollars in it. There's also an ID card inside with a name and an address. The name is John Smith."
The DJ says, "What do you want me to do about it?"
The caller says, "Can you play him a thank-you song?"
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In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.
In 1973, former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at his Texas ranch at age 64.
In 1973, George Foreman upset reigning heavyweight champion Joe Frazier with a second round TKO in their match in Kingston, Jamaica.
In 2008, actor Heath Ledger, 28, was found dead of an accidental prescription overdose in a New York City apartment.
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Today-----------Former Sen. Birch Bayh, D-Ind., is 85, Actress Piper Laurie is 81, Actor Seymour Cassel is 78, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 76, Actor John Hurt is 73, Singer Steve Perry is 64, Country singer-musician Teddy Gentry (Alabama) is 61 and Movie director Jim Jarmusch is 60.
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January 22nd is: Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration Of Life Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day and Roe v. Wade Day.
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Quip for the day......A good friend will come bail you out of jail......but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, we screwed up."
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Larryj
Today's--------good one.....
My grandmother is so practical. Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.
One day she was sitting on the beach, wearing a proper hat, of course, and she was engrossed in a good novel.
Suddenly, she was interrupted by a beggar.
"Please, Ma'am," the stranger said, extending his hand. "I haven't eaten all day."
She sized him up, then said, "Good. Now you won't have to worry about the cramps when you go in for a swim!"
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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
In 1933, the 20th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, the so-called "Lame Duck Amendment" was ratified as Missouri approved it.
In 1960, the U.S. Navy-operated bathyscaphe Trieste carried two men to the deepest known point in the Pacific Ocean, reaching a depth of more than 35,000 feet.
In 1964, the 24th Amendment to the Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War, and would be formally signed four days later in Paris.
In 1977, the TV mini-series "Roots," based on the Alex Haley novel, began airing on ABC.
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Today-------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 85, Actress Chita Rivera is 80, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 79, Actor Gil Gerard is 70, Actor Rutger Hauer is 69, R&B singer Jerry Lawson is 69, Singer Anita Pointer is 65, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 63, Rock musician Bill Cunningham is 63 and Rock singer Robin Zander is 60.
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January 23rd is: National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.
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Quip for the day.....If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time".............you're the Grandma.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah...........
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. Saint Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies Saint Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says Saint Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues...
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"
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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of '49.
In 1908, the Boys Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.
In 1961, a U.S. Air Force B-52 crashed near Goldsboro, North Carolina, dropping its payload of two nuclear bombs, neither of which went off; three crew members were killed.
In 1965, Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.
In 2003, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security officially opened as its head, Tom Ridge, was sworn in.
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Today-------Actor Jerry Maren is 94, Actor Marvin Kaplan is 86, Cajun musician Doug Kershaw is 77, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 74, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 72, Singer Aaron Neville is 72, Actor Michael Ontkean is 67, Actor Daniel Auteuil is 63 and Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 62.
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January 24th is: Belly Laugh Day, Beer Can Day, National Compliment Day, National Peanut Butter Day, Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day and Women's Healthy Weight Day.
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Quip for the day.......Catholic Terminology.......AMEN....def. The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
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Larryj
Today's---late day, grandkids, dentist, grocery shopping........sigh..
Sometimes even the best advice goes awry........
Guy goes to the doctor.
Doctor: "How are you doing?"
Patient: "Things could be better."
Doctor: "Have you taken my advice and slept with the windows open?"
Patient: "Yes."
Doctor: "And has your asthma disappeared completely?"
Patient: "No, but my watch, my wallet, my TV and my computer have."
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In 1890, the United Mine Workers of America was founded in Columbus, Ohio.
In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.
In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.
In 1981, the 52 Americans held hostage by Iran for 444 days arrived in the United States.
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Today------Actor Gregg Palmer is 86, Actor Dean Jones is 82, Country singer Claude Gray is 81, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 70 and Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 68.
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January 25th is: A Room Of One's Own Day, Fun At Work Day, Macintosh Computer Day and National Pre-school Fitness Day.
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Quip for the day.......If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
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Larryj
Today's--------gotcha...
A preacher was strolling down the sidewalk. He sees a boy across the street, jumping up and down on a porch, trying to reach the doorbell. The preacher crosses the street to help the lad.
He says, "Allow me," and pushes the doorbell. He smiles at the boy and says, "Now what?"
The little prankster cries, "RUN!" and takes off.
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In 1784, in a letter to his daughter Sally, Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the choice of the eagle as the symbol of America, and stated his preference: the turkey.
In 1942, the first American Expeditionary Force to go to Europe during World War II arrived in Belfast, Northern Ireland.
In 1962, the United States launched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments on the moon -- but the probe ended up missing its target by more than 22,000 miles.
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Today---Actress Anne Jeffreys is 90, Actress Joan Leslie is 88, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 84, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 78, Actor Scott Glenn is 74, Singer Joan Knight is 70, Activist Angela Davis is 69, Rock musician Corky Laing is 65, Actor David Strathaim is 64 and Country singer-songwriter Lucinda Williams is 60.
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January 26th is: Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, National Seed Swap Day and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.
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Quip for the day........You know you are getting old when all you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, repeat, back to the archives........
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.
In 1888, the National Geographic Society was incorporated in Washington, D.C.
In 1951, an era of atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat.
In 1967, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom, Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.
In 1973, the Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris.
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Today------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 83, Actor James Cromwell is 73, Actor John Witherspoon is 71, Rock musician Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is 68, R&B singer Nedra Talley (The Ronettes) is 67 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 65.
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January 27th is: Auschwitz Liberation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day and World Leprosy Day.
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Quip for the day......You know you're getting old when everything hurts. Anything that doesn't hurt doesn't work.
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Larryj
Today's------funny.......
Joe finally tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some equipment for an upcoming hunting trip with the boys.
His bride stood there in the garage watching him. Finally, she spoke. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's time for you to quit hanging out with the guys. Maybe you should just sell all that hunting and camping stuff."
Joe got a horrified look on his face. He said, "Now you're sounding like my ex-wife."
She said, "Ex-wife! I didn't know you were married before!"
He said, "I wasn't."
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In 1909, the United States withdrew its forces from Cuba as Jose Miguel Gomez became president.
In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life-Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1962, the last of Washington, D.C.'s streetcars made its final run.
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.
In 1980, six U.S. diplomats who had avoided being taken hostage at their embassy in Tehran flew out of Iran with the help of Canadian diplomats.
In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.
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Today------Actor-dancer John Ronald Dennis is 88, Actor Alan Alda is 77, Actress Susan Howard is 71, Actress Marthe Keller is 68 and Actress-singer Barbie Benton is 63.
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January 28th is: Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.
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Quip for the day.......All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult.
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Larryj
Today's--------I think I might have heard this one......
Well, it is not a pretty story -- about 200 dead crows on the expressway just outside of Boston.
A bird pathologist examined the remains and determined that all the birds had been killed by impact with trucks, none by cars.
The city then hired an ornithologist behaviorist to explore the mystery. He was able to determine the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a lookout crow in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah!" but could not say "Truck!"
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In 1845, Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.
In 1863, the Bear River Massacre took place as the U.S. Army attacked Shoshone in present-day Idaho.
In 1863, the New York Stock & Exchange Board changed its name to the New York Stock Exchange.
In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.
In 1936, the first inductees of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, N.Y.
In 1958, actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married in Las Vegas.
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Today------Actor Noel Harrison is 79, Author Germaine Greer is 74, Actress Katherine Ross is 73, Actor Tom Sellick is 68, Actor Mark Singer is 65, Actress Ann Jillian is 63, Rock musician Tommy Ramone (The Ramones) is 61, Rock musician Louie Perez (Los Lobos) is 60 and Rhythm-and-Blues/funk singer Charlie Wilson is 60.
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January 29th is: Curmudgeons Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.
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Quip for the day.......Well now! Don't that just fry your tater?
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Larryj
Today's-------yup........
A trucking firm was looking to hire some new drivers. It specifically wanted to hire a pair of drivers to drive together on long hauls.
Two rednecks, Zed and Luke, applied for the job. The manager decided to interview them separately. He asked Zed a few questions about his ability to drive trucks. After a while, he concluded that Zed was a few bricks shy of a fence and then called Luke in.
He asked Luke, "You are driving and Zed is in the back asleep. You are about to be in a horrific crash. What would you do?"
Luke thought and thought and then he said, "I know. I know. I'd wake up Zed."
The manager said, "Why would you do that?"
Luke says, "cuz Zed ain't never seen a horrific crash before."
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In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.
In 1973, the rock group KISS performed its first show at a club in Queens, N.Y.
In 1993, Los Angeles inaugurated its Metro Red Line, the city's first modern subway.
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Today----Actress Dorothy Malone is 88, Producer-director Harold Prince is 85, Actor Gene Hackman is 83, Actress Tammy Grimes is 79, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 76, Chess grandmaster Boris Spassky is 76, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 76, Country singer Norma Jean is 75, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 72, Rock singer Marty Balin is 71, R&B musician William King is 64, Singer Phil Collins is 62 and Actor Charles S. Dutton is 62.
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January 30th is: Inane Answering Message Day.
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Quip for the day........F ust ation is when you " " key on the keyboa d doesn't wo k.
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La yj ::) :laugh:
Today's--------ouch.....
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man put his hand down to pet the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.
Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendants attention to the dog, who had now returned to the rug. The attendant said, "That's not my dog."
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In 1863, during the Civil War, the First South Carolina Volunteers, an all-black Union regiment composed of former slaves, was mustered into federal service at Beaufort, South Carolina.
In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.
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Today----Actress Carol Channing is 92, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 82, Composer Philip Glass is 76, Actor Stuart Margolin is 73, Actress Jessica Walter is 72, Blues singer-musician Charlie Musselwhite is 69, Actor Glynn Turman is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 66 and Singer musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and the Sunshine Band) is 62.
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January 31st is: Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day and Inspire Your Heart With Art Day.
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Quip for the day.....Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
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Larryj
Today's-------short one.....
A guy hails a cab and asked, "How much to take me to the station?"
The cab driver says, "Five bucks, sir."
The guy says, "And how much for the luggage?"
The cab driver says, "No charge for the luggage, sir."
The guy says, "Okay. Take my suitcase to the station and I'll walk."
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In 1790, the U.S. Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York.
In 1862, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," a poem by Julia Ward Howe, was published in the Atlantic Monthly.
In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, NC, where they had been refused service.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry killing all seven of its crew members.
In 2008, Don Cornelius, 74, creator of "Soul Train," died in Los Angeles.
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Today-------Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 104, Actor Stuart Whitman is 85, Singer Don Everly is 76, Actor Garrett Morris is 76, TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 72 and Comedian-actor-director-author Terry Jones is 71.
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February 1st is: Bubble Gum Day, Car Insurance Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Give Kids A Smile Day, Freedom Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day, Wear Red Day and Working Naked Day.
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Quip for the day.......There is no future in time travel.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but one of my faves...........
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you don't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes to the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
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In 1653, New Amsterdam, now New York City, incorporated.
In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo ended the Mexican-American War.
In 1887, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, held its first Groundhog Day.
In 1913, New York City's rebuilt Grand Central Terminal officially opened to the public at one minute past midnight.
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Today-----Actress Elaine Stritch is 88, Comedian Tom Smothers is 76, Rock singer-guitarist Graham Nash is 71, Actor Bo Hopkins is 71, Television executive Barry Diller is 71, TV chef Ina Garten is 65, Actor Jack McGee is 64, Actor Brent Spinner is 64 and Rock musician Ross Valory is 64.
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February 2nd is: Candelmas, Crepe Day, Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, Marmot Day, Sled Dog Day, Take Your Child To The Library Day, World Play Your Ukelele Day, World Wetlands Day and Groundhog Day.
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Quip for the day......I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is looking good either.
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Larryj
Today's-------another short one...
Two men were debating whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers, "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," says the passerby.
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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for a federal income tax, was ratified.
In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
In 2003, President George W. Bush sent lawmakers a $2.23 trillion budget.
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Today------Comedian Shelley Berman is 88, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 73, Actress Bridget Hanley is 72, Actress Blythe Danner is 70, Singer Dennis Edwards is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 68, Singer-guitarist Dave Davies is 66, Singer Melanie is 66, Actress Morgan Fairchild is 63 and Actress Pamela Franklin is 63.
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February 3rd is: Four Chaplains Memorial Day, The Day The Music Died, Dump Your Significant Jerk Day and Super Bowl XLVII.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........My dog can lick anybody!
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Hey there! Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "HEY THERE! Aren't you Moses???"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."
George W., a bit peeved at this point then asked, "Why the cold shoulder?"
To which Moses replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness."
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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
In 1941, the United Service Organization (USO) came into existence.
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Today-----Actor William Phipps is 91, Comedian David Brenner is 77, Rock musician John Steel (The Animals) is 72, Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 69, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 66, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 65 and Actor Michael Beck is 64.
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February 4th is: Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day and World Cancer Day.
___________________________________________________
Quip for the day........A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Larryj
Today's-----yeah, why......
After his annual physical exam, Sam says, "Doc, I want you to level with me. Do you think I'll make it to age 80?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you're in pretty good shape for 75. You don't drink or smoke. You don't eat rich foods. You don't engage in potentially stressful behaviors like gambling or chasing after women. In fact, you don't really have any risk factors at all. So, let me ask you a question."
Sam says, "By all means. Ask me anything."
The doctor says, "Why do you want to live to be 80?"
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In 1917, Congress passed over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, an immigration act severely curtailing the influx of Asians.
In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.
In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell stepped onto the surface of the moon in the first of two lunar excursions.
In 1973, services were held at Arlington National Cemetery for U.S. Army Col. William B. Nolde, the last official American combat casualty before the Vietnam War cease-fire took effect.
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Today-----Country singer Claude King is 90, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 79, Actor David Selby is 72, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 71, Singer cory Wells (Three Dog Night) is 71, Movie director Michael Mann is 70, Actress Barbara Hershey is 65, Actor Christopher Guest is 65 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 65.
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February 5th is: Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA, Day, National Pancake Day (IHOP), Weatherman's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day and African American Coaches Day.
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Quip for the day.........The colder the X-Ray table is, the more of your body is required on it.
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Larryj
Today's----aha.....
A housewife answered a knock at the door and opened it to find two small boys. One was holding a list.
"Lady," the boy said, "me and my brother are on a treasure hunt. Do you have three buffalo nickels, a pork chop bone, a piece of used carbon paper......"
The woman interrupted, "I don't have any of those things. That's a hard list. What kind of treasure hunt is this?"
"If we find everything on the list," the boy said, "We'll win a dollar."
"And who's going to give you a dollar?" the woman asked.
The boy answered, "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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In 1778, the United States won official recognition from France with the signing of a Treaty of Alliance in Paris.
In 1899, a peace treaty between the United States and Spain was ratified by the U.S. Senate.
In 1959, the United States successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile from Cape Canaveral.
In 1973, Dixy Lee Ray was appointed by President Richard Nixon to be the first woman to head the Atomic Energy Commission.
In 1993, tennis Hall-of-Famer and human rights activist Arthur Ashe died in New York at age 49.
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Today------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 96, Actor Patrick Macnee is 91, Actor Rip Torn is 82, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 82, Actor Mike Farrell is 74, Former NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw is 73, Singer Fabian is 70, Actress Gayle Hunnicutt is 70, Actor Michael Tucker is 69, Producer-director-writer Jim Sheridan is 64 and Singer Natalie Cole is 63.
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February 6th is: Digital Learning Day and National Girls and Women in Sports Day.
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Quip for the day...........I'm so great I'm jealous of myself.
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Larryj
Today's-----Senior bumper stickers........
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
We got married for better or worse. He couldn't do any better, I couldn't do any worse.
I asked my wife if it's better to wear boxers or briefs. She said Depends.
I'm so old.......I don't buy green bananas anymore.
The Snap Crackle Pop in the morning ain't my Rice Krispies.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy......and some days I let him sleep.
New from Campbell Soups: "Larger Type" alphabet soup for seniors.
I'm not old. I'm chronologically gifted.
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In 1795, the 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution dealing with states' sovereign immunity was ratified.
In 1904, a fire began in Baltimore that raged for about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings.
In 1948, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower resigned as Army chief of staff; he was succeeded by Gen. Omar Bradley.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.
In 1983, Elizabeth H. Dole was sworn in as the first female secretary of transportation by the first woman to sit on the Supreme Court, Justice Sandra Day O'Conner.
In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk which lasted nearly six hours.
In 2008, a gunman opened fire at a Kirkwood, Missouri, council meeting, killing three city officials and two police officers before being fatally shot by law enforcement.
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Today-----------Author Gay Talese is 81 and Former Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis, is 78.
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Febrary 7th is: Ballet Day, *"e" Day (math), Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day.
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Quip for the day........You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
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Larryj
*--e-Day celebrates the mathematical constant e (2.7182818) on February 7 (2/7) in the month/day date format or January 27 (27/1) in the day/month format.
What is e?
Euler's constant "e" is also known as "Euler's number" after the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler. The constant e was discovered by several mathematicians who didn't know of its significance until Euler started to use the letter e for the constant around 1727. It is an irrational number that represents the idea that all continually growing systems are a scaled version of a common rate. The constant e is mostly used in logarithms, exponential growth, and complex numbers.
What do people do?
Many celebrate e-Day as Euler's constant day on February 7 (2/7) in the month/day date format. It is a day where people recognize the significance of the number e, which is approximately 2.71828. Although this is the most commonly recognized holiday for e-Day, there are other worldwide events that are observed that have nothing to do with the e number constant.
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You did want to know this, right? ::)
Larryj
Today's--------so-so.........
Two mathematicians are traveling in a hot-air balloon. They realize they're lost. They shout down to a guy on the ground: "Where are we?"
The guy on the ground thinks for a bit, then shouts up: "You're in a hot-air balloon."
One mathematician says to the other, "Well, that guy was a physicist for sure."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, first of all, he took awhile to think up a response. Second, his answer is logical. Third, it's completely useless."
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In 1693, a charter was granted for the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg in the Virginia Colony.
In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.
In 1922, President Warren G. Harding had a radio installed in the White House.
In 1968, three college students were killled in a confrontation with highway patrolmen in Orangeburg, South Carolina, during a civil rights protest against a whites-only bowling alley.
In 1971, NASDAQ, the world's first electronic stock exchange, held its first trading day.
In 1993, General Motors sued NBC alleging that "Dateline NBC" had rigged two car-truck crashes to show that 1973-to-1987 GM pickups were prone to fires in side-impact crashes. (NBC settled the lawsuit the following day and apologized for its "unscientific demonstration.")
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Today--------Composer-conductor John Williams is 81, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 73, Actor Nick Nolte is 72, Comedian Robert Klein is 71, Actor-rock musician Creed Bratton is 70, Actress Brooke Adams is 64 and Actress Mary Steenburgen is 60.
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February 8th is: Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh And Get Rich Day and Opera Day.
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Quip for the day........I'm not worried about losing my job to a computer. They have yet to build a machine that does absolutely nothing.
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Larryj
Today's------good one...........
A guy and his ditzy girlfriend are sitting at the bar, watching TV. The news is on. The anchowoman says, "In a story out of Rio de Janeiro, five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident today."
The girlfriend burst into tears. She couldn't be consoled.
Her boyfriend pleaded with her, "Honey, they were participating in a risky sport. They knew the dangers."
She nodded, still sobbing, and said, "I know, but it's so terrible. There were so many of them. How many is a Brazilian anyway?"
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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.
In 1942, daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.
In 1963, the Boeing 727 went on its first-ever flight as it took off from Renton, Washington.
In 1964, The Beatles made their first live American television appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show," broadcast from New York on CBS.
In 1971, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake in the San Fernando Valley claimed 65 lives.
In 1971, the crew of Apollo 14 returned to Earth after man's third landing on the Moon.
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Today---------Television journalist Roger Mudd is 85, Actress Janet Suzman is 74, Actress-politician Sheila James Kuehl is 72, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 71, Actor Joe Pesci is 70, Singer Barbara Lewis is 70, Actress Mia Farrow is 68, Singer Joe Ely is 66, Actress Judith Light is 64 and R&B musician Dennis "DT" Thomas is 62.
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February 9th is: National Stop Bullying Day and Read In The Bathtub Day.
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Quip for the day......A sign seen on a farmer's fence...."The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free.....but the bull charges."
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Larryj
Today's-----old Steven Wright one-liners...
Questions to ponder....
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands off with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will get in there and clean them?
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In 1763, Britain, Spain and France signed the Treaty of Paris ending the Seven Years War (known as the French and Indiian War in America.)
In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured America U-2 pilot Frances Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.
In 1967, the 25th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.
In 1968, U.S. figure skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.
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Today-----Cinematographer Douglas Slocombe is 100, Opera singer Leontyne Price is 86, Rock musician Don Wilson is 80, Singer Roberta Flack is 76, Singer Jimmy Merchant is 73, Rock musician Bob Spalding is 66, Olympic gold-medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 63 and Actor Robert Wagner is 83.
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February 10th is: Plimsoll Day, World Marriage Day and Chinese New Year.
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Quip for the day........If I want your opinion, I'll have to ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Larryj
Fun! There is an answer to the third one. No they don't, but that's really cute. They turn off the captions on the tv for a period of time.
Today's----and more.....
Questions to ponder......
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can his wages be garnished?
Why do they put Braille pads on drive-thru bank machines?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which one have you done?
What's the point of having an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist take out insurance against acts of God?
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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson began in Tennessee. (Union forces led by Brig. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant captured the fort five days later.)
In 1937, a six-week-old sit-down strike against General Motors ended, with the company agreeing to recognize the United Automobile Workers Union.
In 1960, "Tonight Show" host Jack Paar walked off the program in a censorship dispute with NBC. (Despite his very public resignation, Paar returned to the Tonight Show less than a month later.)
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Today-----Actor Conrad Janis is 85, Actress Tina Louise is 79, Actor Burt Reynolds is 77. Bandleader Sergio Mendes is 72 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Otis Clay is 71.
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Quip for the day.....We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.....
The guy had suffered a bitter defeat in court that day. He decides to get drunk.
He walks into a bar. He orders a shot of bourbon and tells the bartender, "Leave the bottle."
After pouring himself several shots, he suddenly shouts, "All lawyers are lying, cheating crooks!"
Another guy, at the other end of the bar, stands up and says, "I resent that remark!"
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No, I'm a lying, cheating crook!"
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In 1909, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People was founded.
In 1915, the cornerstone for the Lincoln Memorial was laid in Washington, D.C., a year to the day after groundbreaking.
In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Colyer as the Man of Steel.
In 1959, the redesigned Lincoln penny -- with an image of the Lincoln Memorial replacing two ears of wheat on the reverse side -- went into circulation.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy celebrated the 100th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation with a reception at the White House.
In 1973, Operation Homecoming began as the first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam conflict took place.
In 1999. the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstuction of justice.
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Today---TV personality Hugh Downs is 92, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 79, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 70, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 69, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 65, Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 65 and Cajun singer-musician Michael Doucet (Beausoleil) is 62.
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February 12th is: Extraterrestrial Day, Darwin Day, Pancake Day, Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day and Safety Pup Day.
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Quip for the day.....My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two grilfirends.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny.........
Two carpenters were working on a house. One would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder, or nail it in.
The other carpenter finally asked, "Why are you throwing some of those nails away?"
The first carpenter explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away, because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second carpenter said, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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In 1741, Andrew Bradford of Pennsylvania published the first American magazine, "The American Magazine, or A Monthly View of the Political State of the British Colonies." There were only three issues.
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.
In 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J. found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Ann Lindbergh. (Hauptmann was later executed.)
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Today------U.S. Air Force Maj. Gen. Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager (ret.) is 90, Actress Kim Novak is 80, Actor George Segal is 79, Actress Carol Lynley is 71, Singer-musician Peter Tork is 71, Actress Stockard Channing is 69, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 69, Actor Bo Svenson on 69, Singer Peter Gabriel is 63 and Actor David Naughton is 62.
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February 13th is: Ash Wednesday, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day and Madly In Love With Me Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you do something that you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP UNTIL NOON!
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but funny......
A prince was put under a spell. He could only speak one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on. Those were the terms of the spell.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful maiden. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling." But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he visited the maiden and fell on one knee. "My darling," he said, "I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the maiden said, "Pardon?"
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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established. (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)
In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; its first president was Maud Wood Park.
In 1929, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.
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Today------Note: Apparently my local paper made a mistake on its listing of birthdays yesterday. All those listed in yesterday's birthdays are actually born on this day.
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February 14th is: (long list)---Ferris Wheel Day, Frederick Douglas Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Library Lovers Day, National Have a Heart Day, National Condom Day, (World) Cogential Heart Defect Awareness Day, League of Women Voters Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Single Day, Race Relations Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentines Day.
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Quip for the day........A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Larryj
Today's-------oopsies......
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! He kicked and hit and shouted. For awhile it looked like he might even win.
Finally, though, the two thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
There were two $1 bills in it.
One of the thugs, still panting and sweating, said to the victim, "For Pete's sake, why did you put up such a fight for two lousy bucks?"
The man said, "Oh, I wasn't even thinking about my wallet. I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe."
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In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cernak; gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed more than four weeks later.
In 1961, 73 people, including an 18-member U.S. figure skating team en route to the World Championships in Czechoslovakia, were killed in the crash of a Sabena Airlines Boeing 707 in Belgium.
In 1992, a Milwaukee jury found that Jeffrey Dahmer was sane when he killed and mutilated 15 men and boys.
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Today-----Actor Allan Arbus is 95, Actress Claire Bloom is 82, Author Susan Brownmiller is 78, Songwriter Brian Holland is 72, Rock musician Mick Avory (The Kinks) is 69, Singer Melissa Manchester is 62 and Actress Jane Seymour is 62.
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February 15th is: Angelman Syndrome Day, National Hippo Day, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.
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Quip for the day...A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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Larryj
Today's----------sounds good.......
Doctor: "You're a little overweight. Do you exercise regularly?"
Patient: "Absolutely!"
Doctor: "Tell me about your daily workout."
Patient: "Oh, I run my mouth all the time, and I jump to conclusions. I skip the small talk, I stretch my lunch break, I wrestle with my conscience, I'm always getting my ears bent, I lift the receiver a hundred times a day, I jog my memory, and the first thing I do when I get home is twist a few bottle caps!"
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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had been taken by pirates.
In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.
In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.
In 2003, more than 100,000 people demonstrated in the streets of San Francisco to protest a possible invasion of Iraq.
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Today-----Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 68, Actor William Katt is 62 and R&B singer James Ingram is 61.
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February 16th is: Innovation Day and Kyoto Protocol Day.
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Quip for the day.....I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what the heck I'm doing.
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Larryj
Today's----ouch!
A guest at a posh hotel ordered breakfast in the dining room.
"I'd like one egg that is undercooked, and another that is so overcooked that it is tough and chewy. I'd also like grilled bacon that is mostly fat and served a bit on the cold side, plus burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a cup of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "I'll have to check with the chef."
The guest replied, "It can't be that difficult. It's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.
In 1933, Newsweek was first published by Thomas J.C. Martyn under the title "News-Week." (The magazine abandoned its print format last year in favor of online edition.)
In 1959, the United States launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon departed the White House with his wife, Pat, on a historic trip to China.
In 1988, Lt. Col. William Higgins, a Marine Corps officer serving with a United Nations truce monitoring group, was kidnapped in southern Lebanon by Iranian-backed terrorists. (He was later slain by his captors.)
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Today---Actor Hal Holbrook is 88, Mystery writer Ruth Rendell is 83, Actor-comedian Barry Humphries (aka "Dame Edna") is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 77 and Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 74.
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February 17th is: Daytona Pole Day, My Way Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.
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Quip for the day...........A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though you are a little cracked.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources director asked the young applicant, "And what sort of starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Well, you started it!"
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In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.
In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet" was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.
In 1953, "Bwana Devil," the movie that heralded the 3D fad of the 1950s, had its New York opening.
In 1960, the 8th Winter Olympic Games were formally opened in Squaw Valley, by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.
In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its debut "flight" above the Mojave Desert.
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Today-----Actor George Kennedy is 88, Author Toni Morrison is 82, Singer Yoko Ono is 80, Singer-songwriter Bobby Hart is 74, Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 72, Actress Cybill Shepherd is 63, Singer Juice Newton is 61 and Rock musician Larry Rust (Iron Butterfly) is 60.
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February 18th is: Battery Day, Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day, Pluto Day and Presidents Day.
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Quip for the day.....One good turn gets most of the blankets.
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Larryj
Today's--------logical.....
I don't why I didn't figure this out a lot sooner.
When I wash my hair in the shower, the shampoo runs all over my body. I happened to read the label on the shampoo bottle one day. It carried this explicit warning: "For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight all these years!
Well, I got rid of the shampoo and I now am washing my hair with dishwashing soap.
The label says: "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove."
Problem solved!
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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr, accused of treason, was arrested in the Mississippi Territory, in present-day Alabama. (Burr was acquitted at trial.)
In 1878, Thomas Edison received a U.S. patent for "an improvement in phonograph or speaking machines."
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 9066, which cleared the way for the U.S. military to relocate and intern Japanese-Americans.
In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they began a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.
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Today----Singer Smokey Robinson is 73, Singer Bobby Rogers (Smokey Robinson and the Miracles) is 73, Singer Lou Christie is 70, Rock musician Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) is 65, Actor Stephen Nichols is 62 and Author Amy Tan is 61.
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February 19th is: Chocolate Mint Day, Iwo Jima Day and Single Tasking Day.
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Quip for the day.......He's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at him.
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Larryj
Today's--------oookkaaaaayyyy.......
Folks up north have sense of humor, same as anyone else.
Here's a story they tell at a little community grocery store in Esko, Minnesota.
Back in the 1940's, it seems there was an old-timer who would come into the store every day to buy the newspaper.
One day, the clerk mentioned that a blizzard was predicted for the following day.
The old-timer said, "Well, in that case, I better buy two newspapers in case I can't make it to town tomorrow."
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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.
In 1907, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an immigration act which excluded "idiots, imbeciles, feebleminded persons, epileptics, insane persons" from being admitted to the United States.
In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Project Mercury's Friendship 7 spacecraft.
In 1998, Tara Lipinski of the U.S. won the ladies' figure skating gold medal at the Nagano Olympics; Michelle Kwan won the silver.
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Today-----Gloria Vanderbilt is 89, Actor Sidney Poitier is 86, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 79, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 76, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Exposito is 71, Actress Sandy Duncan is 67, Rock musician J. Geils is 67 and Actor Peter Strauss is 66.
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February 20th is: Love Your Pet Day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and World Day Of Social Justice.
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Quip for the day.....Do not worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older it will avoid you.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but funny.......
A man goes to see his pastor. He says, "Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
"Of course. What's wrong?"
"My wife is poisoning me."
The pastor is very concerned. "How can that be," he asks.
"I'm telling you, I'm cetain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll call and see what I can find out."
Later that day, the pastor calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours, and I have a suggestion for you."
"What is it?
"Take the poison."
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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon, the first and only American slave trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820, was hanged in New York.
In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
In 1925, The New Yorker magazine made its debut.
In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon began his historic visit to China as he and his wife, Pat, arrived in Beijing.
In 1986, Larry Wu Chin, the first American found gulty of spying for China, killed himself in his jail cell.
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Today-----Movie director Bob Rafelson is 80, Actor-director Richard Beymer 74, Film/music company executive David Geffen is 70, Actor Alan Rickman is 67, Actress Tyne Daly is 67, Actor Anthony Daniels is 67, Tricia Nixon Cox is 67, Rock musician Jerry Harrison is 64, Actress Christine Ebersole is 60 and Actor William Peterson is 60.
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February 21st is: International Mother Language Day and Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day.
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Quip for the day....Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, "I want to commit suicide, but I want it to be a surprise."
________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie........
A guy sees two county workers across the street. One digs a hole, the other fills it up. They move a few paces along the roadside and repeat the process. One digs a hole and the other one fills it up. They move along and do it again. And again.
The guy can't stand it any more. He crosses the street, approaches the workers, and says, "What's all this about? You're wasting taxpayers money."
The workers stop and lean on their shovels. One says, "We're just doing our job, mister. There used to be three of us, me and Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer planted the tree and Leroy filled around it. Trouble is, our department got dowsized and poor Elmer was laid off. Now it's just me and Leroy.
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In 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born in Westmoreland County in the Virginia Colony.
In 1909, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.
In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge delivered the first radio broadcast from the White House, addressing the country over 42 stations.
In 1959, the inaugual Daytona 500 race was held; although Johnny Beauchamp was declared the winner, the victory was later awarded to Lee Petty.
In 1973, the United States and China agreed to establish liaison offices.
In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" took place in Lake Placid, NY, as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets, 4-3; (The U.S. went on to win the gold medal.)
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Today-------Announcer Don Pardo is 95, Actor Paul Dooley is 85, Movie director Jonathan Demme is 69, Actor John Ashton is 65, Actress Miou-Miou is 64, Actress Julie Walters is 63, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 63 and Actress Ellen Greene is 62.
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February 22nd is: National Margarita Day, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day and George Washington's birthday.
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Quip for the day.......A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
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Larryj
Today's------------kids.....
A little boy was walking his dog in the park. A policeman says, "That's a nice dog. What kind is it?"
The boy says, "It's an airplane."
The cop laughs and says, "An airplane! I've never heard of that kind of dog."
The boy shrugs and says, "Its mom was an Airedale and its dad was just a plain mutt, so it's part Airedale and part plain. An airplane."
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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take office, following word of a possible assassination plot in Baltimore.
In 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an agreement with Cuba to lease the area around Guantanamo Bay to the United States.
In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburgh.
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Today------Actor Peter Fonda is 73, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 70, Author John Sandford is 69, Singer-musician Johnny Winter is 69, Country-rock musician Rusty Young is 67, Actress Patricia Richardson is 62 and Rock musician Brad Whitford is 61.
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February 23rd is: Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day (flag raising), International Sword Swallowers Day and Open That Bottle Night.
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Quip for the day.......If Bill Gates had a penny for everytime I have had to reboot my computer.......oh wait......he does.
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Larryj
Today's-----one of the best punny ones around and a favorite of mine......
A frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller. Her nameplate says Patricia Wack.
"Miss Wack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan," he says. "My name is Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. I know the bank manager."
He pulls a tiny porcelain elephant from his pocket and says, "I'm prepared to offer this as collateral."
The bewildered teller takes the elephant and goes in search of the bank manager. When she finds him, she says, "Sir, there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the porcelain elephant.
The bank manager checks it out, nods, and says,
(Are you ready...............really ready?)
"It's a knickknack, Patty Wack. Give the frog the loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
::)
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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull, or edict, outlining his calendar reforms. (The Gregorian Calendar is the calendar in general use today.)
In 1961, the Federal Communications Commission authorized the nations's first full-scale trial of pay television in Hartford, Connecticut.
In 1983, a congressional commission released a report condemning the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II.
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Today---Actor Abe Vigoda is 92, Actor Stephen Hill is 91, Actress Emmanuelle Riva is 86, Actor-singer Dominic Chianese is 82, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 81, Opera singer-director Renata Scotto is 79, Actor Barry Bostwick is 68, Actor Edward James Olmos is 66, Singer-writer-producer Rupert Holmes is 66, Rock singer-musician George Thorogood is 63, Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 62 and Actress Helen Shaver is 62.
___________________________________________
February 24th is: Academy Awards Night and Daytona 500.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......The trouble with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------golden quotes about money.......
I spent most of my money on women and drink. And like a fool I squandered the rest. -- Benny Hill
Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. -- Spike Milligan
I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves. -- Joe E. Lewis
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -- Dorothy Parker
Money doesn't buy happiness, but happiness isn't everything. -- Jean Seberg
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In 1836, inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver.
In 1862, Nashville, Tennessee, became the first Confederate state capital to be occupied by the North during the Civil War.
In 1901, United States Steel Corp. was incorporated by J.P. Morgan.
In 1950, "Your Show of Shows," starring Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner and Howard Morris, debuted on NBC-TV.
In 1991, during the Persian Gulf War, 28 Americans were killed when an Iraqi Scud missile hit a U.S. barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.
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Today-----Country singer Ralph Stanley is 86, Actor Tom Courtenay is 76, CBS newsman Bob Schieffer is 76, Actress Diane Baker is 75, Actress Karn Grassle is 71, Humorist Jack Handey is 64 and Movie director Neil Jordan is 63.
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February 25th is: Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt), Legal Tender Act Day and National Clam Chowder Day.
__________________________________________________
Quip for the day............A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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Larryj
Today's---originally a blonde joke.....
The state trooper stops a car and approaches the driver. "Sir, I pulled you over because you were weaving all over the road," he says.
The man cries out, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and I saw another tree in front of me! I swerved to the right and I saw another tree in front of me!"
The officer leans in, takes a look, then points to the man's rear view mirror and the object dangling from it. He says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
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In 1940, the United States Air Defense Command was created.
In 1945, authorities ordered a midnight curfew at night clubs, bars and other places of entertainment across the nation.
In 1987, the Tower Commission, which had probed the Iran-Contra affair, issued its report, which rebuked President Ronald Reagan for failing to control his national security staff.
In 1993, a truck bomb built by terrrorists exploded in the parking garage of New York's World Trade Center, killing six people and injuring more than 1,000 others.
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Today--------Singer Fats Domino is 85, Country-rock musician Paul Cotton (Poco) is 70, Actor-director Bill Duke is 70, Singer Mitch Ryder is 68 and Singer Michael Bolton is 60.
(Trivia note: When singer Ernest Evans was signed to a record label, Dick Clark's wife renamed him Chubby Checker because of his similar build to Fats Domino. He did not invent the twist dance, but made it popular.)
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February 26th is: National Personal Chefs Day, For Pete's Sake Day, Levi Strauss Day and Spay Day USA.
_______________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Never answer an anonymous letter.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------hah...........
A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over.
There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. He started to heckle during the shows.
"It's not the same hat!" he'd squawk. Or, "He's hiding the flowers under the table!"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a large piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. The parrot was by his side.
They exchanged hateful stares, but didn't speak. This went on for a week.
Finally, the parrot said, "Ok, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
______________________________________________
In 1943, the U.S. government began circulating one-cent coins made of steel plated with zinc. (The steel pennies proved very unpopular, since they were easily mistaken for dimes.)
In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.
In 1968, at the conclusion of a CBS News special report on the Vietnam War, Walter Cronkite delivered a commentary in which he said the conflict appeared "mired in stalemate."
In 1973, members of the American Indian Movement occupied the hamlet of Wounded Knee in South Dakota, the site of the 1890 massacre of Sioux men, women and children. (The occupation lasted until May.)
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Today----------Actress Joanne Woodward is 83, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 79, Actress Barbara Babcock is 76, Actor Howard Hesseman is 73 and Actress Debra Monk is 64.
__________________________________________
February 27th is: Inconvenience Yourself Day.
__________________________________________
Quip for the day.......My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker...........Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----hah.........
Three men were at the club talking about their wives.
The first said, "My wife does whatever I say. That's the secret to a good relationship."
The second agreed. "That's right. Submissiveness is the key."
The third, after some thought, said, "You aren't kidding. Let me tell you, yesterday my wife crawled on the ground to ask me something."
The first two men were impressed. "That's amazing," said the first. "How did you manage it?" asked the second.
The third replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she found me and said, 'Come out here and fight like a man!'"
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In 1963, scientists James D. Watson and Francis H.C. Crick announced they had discovered the double-helix structure of DNA.
In 1983, the long-running TV series "M.A.S.H." ended after 11 seasons on CBS with a special 2 1/2 hour finale that was watched by 121.6 million people.
In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a religious compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to arrest Branch Dividians leader David Koresh on weapons charges; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began. (The siege ended April 19 as fire erupted while federal agents smashed their way into the compound. Koresh and 78 other people were killed.)
_________________________________________
Today---------Producer Saul Zaentz is 92, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 82, Actor Don Francks is 81, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 74, Hall-of Fame auto racer Mario Andretti is 73, Actor Frank Bonner is 71, Actress Kelly Bishop is 69, Actress Bernadette Peters is 65 and Actress Ilene Graff is 64.
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February 28th is: Floral Design Day, National Chili Day, National Tooth Fairy Day and Rare Disease Day.
_________________________________________
Quip for the day.........The punishment for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------groaner.......
Two bacteria spent many months swimming inside a horse. They preferred the gentle streams in the venous system.
However, one day the horse got sick and had to go to the vet. The doctor determined that the horse had a severe infection and prescribed a potent antibiotic.
The bacteria overheard the discussion and agreed, "We have to get out of here."
They left the venous system and entered a very turbulent artery, where they both drowned.
Moral: Never change streams in mid-horse.
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In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.
In 1867, Nebraska became the 37th state.
In 1872, President Ulysses S. Grant signed an act creating Yellowstone National Park.
In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, NJ. (Remains identified as those of the child were found the following May.)
In 1943, wartime rationing of processed foods under a point system began in the U.S.
In 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed an executive order establishing the Peace Corps.
_______________________________________________
Today---------Actor Robert Clary is 87, Singer Harry Belafonte is 86, Actor Robert Conrad is 78, Rock singer Mike D'Abo is 69, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 69, Actor Dirk Benedict is 68 and Actor Alan Thicke is 65.
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March 1st is: Asiatic Fleet Day, Employee Appreciation Day, National Horse Protection Day, National Peanut Lovers Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Refired, Not Retired Day, World Compliment Day, World Day Of Prayer and Dress In Blue Day.
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Quip for the day.........The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah......
The would-be Romeo asks the attractive woman, "What kind of man attracts you?"
The woman thinks a moment, then replies, "I've always been drawn to Native American men. They are in harmony with nature."
"I see," nodding in understanding.
The woman adds, "But I also am attracted to Jewish men, who really know how to put their women on a pedestal. I am also drawn to Southern gentlemen. They are so courteous and respectful."
The man bows and says, "Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Geronimo Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
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In 1836, the Republic of Texas formally declared its independence from Mexico.
In 1962, Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points for the Philadelphia Warriors in a game against the New York Knicks, an NBA record that still stands. (Philadelphia won, 169-147.)
In 1972, the United States launched the Pioneer 10 space probe, which flew past Jupiter in late 1973, sending back images and scientific data.
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Today----Actor John Cullum is 83, Author Tom Wolfe is 83, Actress Barbara Luna is 74, Author John Irving is 71, Singer Lou Reed is 71, Actress Cassie Yates is 62 and Actress Laraine Newman is 61.
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March 2nd is: Dr. Seuss Day, NEA's Read Across America Day and International Tongue Twister Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day........The difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake is one less drunk.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------uh oh........
Little Nancy was in the garden filling up a big hole with dirt. The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, peered over the fence and said, "Hello there, Nancy, what are you doing?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."
Mr. Wilson smiled indulgently and said, "My goodness, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish."
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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In 1845, Florida became the 27th state.
In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure creating the National Academy of Sciences.
In 1913, more than 5,000 suffragists marched down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C.
In 1923, Time magazine, founded by Briton Hadden and Henry R. Luce, made its debut.
In 1931, "The Star-Spangled Banner" became the national anthem of the United States as President Herbert Hoover signed a congressional resolution.
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Today-----Movie producer-director George Miller is 68, Actress Hattie Winston is 68, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 66 and Singer-musician Robyn Hitchcock is 60.
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March 3rd is: I Want You To Be Happy Day, Namesake Day, National Anthem Day and What If Dogs And Cats Had Opposable Thumbs? Day.
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Quip for the day------The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------aha....
Remember the draft? A lot of young men did their best to get out of it. Here is one story:
This one guy, not thrilled about serving involuntarily in the Army, was called to take his physical. He figured he could fail the examination with a few well-placed answers to the doctor's questions.
"What do you see on the wall over there?" the doctor asked.
"What wall?" the young man replied.
The doctor made a note on his clipboard. "Very good," he said. "You've passed the hearing test."
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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York. (The lawmakers then adjourned for lack of a quorum.)
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th president of the United States.
In 1861, the U.S. Government Printing Office began operation.
In 1861, the Confederate States of America adopted as its flag the original version of the Stars and Bars.
In 1913, just before leaving office, President William Howard Taft signed legislation replacing the Department of Commerce and Labor with separate Departments of Commerce and Labor.
In 1913, the "Buffalo nickel" officially went into circulation.
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Today-----Actress Paula Prentiss is 75, Movie director Adrian Lyne is 72, Singer Bobby Womack is 69, Actor Ronn Moss is 61, Actress Kay Lenz is 60 and Musician Emilio Estefan is 60.
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March 4th is: Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, International Scrapbooking Industry Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day, Toy Soldier Day, Casimir Pulaski Day and Fun Facts About Names Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day........Don't draw enemy fire. It irritates the people around you.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------old, but funny......
Our parents taught us to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
Our parents taught us the importance of prayer. "You better PRAY that will come out of the carpet!"
Our parents taught us logic. "Because I said so, that's why!"
Our parents taught us irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"
Our parents taught us stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"
Our parents taught us about the cycle of life. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"
Our parents taught us about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson, who was later acquitted.
In 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the U.S. Army.
In 1963, country music performers Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas and Hawkshaw Hawkins died in the crash of their plane, a Piper Comanche, near Camden, Tennessee, along with pilot Randy Hughes, Cline's manager.
In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood.
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Today----Actor James Noble is 91, Actor James B. Sikking is 79, Actor Dean Stockwell is 77, Actor Fred Williamson is 75, Actress Samantha Eggar is 74, Actor Michael Warren is 67, Actor Eddie Hodges is 66, Singer Eddy Grant is 65 and Rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 61.
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March 5th is: Saint Piran's Day, Peace Corp Day and Unique Name Day.
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Quip for the day........Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling your sidewalk before it stops snowing.
(Thanks to Phyllis Diller.)
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------give this cop an "I'm stupid" sign.........
A truck driver is driving down a highway. He sees a sign that says, "Low bridge ahead." He's never had a problem with low bridges before, but he slows down anyway. The he sees another sign that warns, "Bridge clearance 16 feet."
His truck is only 15 feet, so he proceeds with confidence. But the sign is wrong. He gets stuck under the bridge.
Traffic backs up for miles in both directions. It's a terrible mess. A police car arrives, lights flashing. The cop gets out, approaches the truck, puts his hands on his hips and says to the driver, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"
The truck driver, in no mood for sarcasm, replies, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.
In 1857, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott v. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.
In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies were first introduced by the National Biscuit Company.
In 1933, Chicago Mayor Anton Cernak, wounded in an attempt on then-President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt's life the previous month, died at a Miami hospital at age 59.
In 1970, a bomb being built inside a Greenwich Village townhouse by the radical Weathermen accidentally went off, destroying the house and killing three group members.
In 1973, Nobel Prize-winning author Pearl S. Buck, 80, died in Danby, Vermont.
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Today--------Orchestra conductor Julius Rudel is 92, Former FBI and CIA director William Webster is 89, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 87, Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez is 86, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 73, Actor Ben Murphy is 71, Opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa is 69, Singer Mary Wilson is 69, Rock musician Hugh Grundy is 68, Rock singer-musician-producer David Gilmour is 67, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 66, Singer Kiki Dee is 66 and Rock singer-musician Phil Alvin is 60.
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March 6th is: Oreo Cookie Day, Sofia Kovaleskaya Math Day and Learn What Your Name Means Day.
_________________________________________________
Quip for the day......Answering machine message: "Hi! I'm probably at home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back............then it's you."
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------familiar and funny......
There was a very religious man named James who lived near a river. One day, during a terrible storm, the river rose and flooded the town. James climbed onto the roof of his house. Soon, a rescue worker came along in a boat and offered help.
"No, thanks," James said, "God will take care of me."
The flood waters rose. James climbed higher on his roof. Later, another rescue boat approached. "No, thanks. God will provide for me."
The flood rose. James climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter arrived and lowered a ladder. "No, thanks," James said. "God will save me."
James drowned. He went to heaven. He said to God, "I thought you would save me."
God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. You wanted more?"
(I think I remember this one from Judy's column.)
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In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.
In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place between New York and London.
In 1960, Jack Paar returned as host of NBC's "Tonight Show" nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.
In 1963, the Pan Am Building (today the MetLife Building) first opened in midtown Manhattan.
In 1965, a march by civil rights demonstrators was violently broken up at the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama, by state troopers and a sheriff's posse in what became to be known as "Bloody Sunday."
In 1975, the U.S. Senate revised its filibuster rule, allowing 60 senators to limit debate in most cases, instead of the previously required two-thirds of senators present.
In 1994, the Supreme Court, in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music Inc., unanimously ruled that a parody that pokes fun at an original work can be considered "fair use" that doesn't require permission for the copywright holder. (The ruling concerned a parody of the song "Pretty Woman" by the rap group 2 Live Crew.) ??? ::) (this required a ruling by the highest court?) (Huh?)
______________________________________________
Today-------TV personality Willard Scott is 79, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 73, Entertainment executive Michael Eisner is 71, Rock musician Chris White is 70, Actor John Heard is 67, Rock singer Peter Wolf is 67, Rock musician Matthew Fisher is 67, Pro football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 63 and Pro football Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 61.
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March 7th is: (NOTE: I erred yesterday, yes, that's right I made a mistake.......I posted the holidays for March 7 in addition to March 6. I have since modified that. Here are the correct days for March 7.)
Cereal Day, Nametag Day, National Be Heard Day, World Book Day and World Maths Day.
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Quip for the day.........Since God gave us two ears and one mouth, He must have wanted us to do twice as much listening as talking.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------redneck humor day.......
Bubba and Bob, visiting from Mississippi, are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5! Trousers $3! Shirts $2!"
Bubba says, "Whoa, look at this. We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Calhoun County, and sell 'em to our friends for a fortune. Just let me do the talking."
They go in and Bubba says, in his finest "city" accent, "I'll take 10 of them suits, 20 of them there trousers and 100 shirts. I'll bring the truck around."
The owner of the shop says, "Ya'll from Mississippi, I reckon."
Bubba, crushed, says, "How come you knowed that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry cleaners."
________________________________________
In 1917, the U.S. Senate voted to limit filabusters by adopting the cloture rule.
In 1930, the 27th president of the United States, William Howard Taft, died in Washinton at age 72.
In 1965, the United States landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.
In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight of the Century" at Madison Square Garden in New York.
In 1971, silent film comedian Harold Lloyd died in Beverly Hills at age 77.
In 1983, in a speech to the National Association of Evangelicals convention in Orlando, Florida, President Ronald Reagan referred to the Soviet Union as an "evil empire."
In 2008, President George W. Bush vetoed a bill that would have banned the CIA from using simulated drowning and other coercive interrogation methods to gain information from suspected terrorists.
____________________________________________
Today------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 77, College Football Hall-of-Famer Pete Dawkins is 75, Baseball player-turned-author Jim Bouton is 74, Songwriter Carol Bayer Sager is 69, Musician-actor-director Micky Dolenz is 68, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 67, Pop singer Peggy March is 65 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice is 60.
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March 8th is: Day For Women's Rights and International Peace Day, Girls Write Now Day, International Women's Day, Middle Name Pride Day, National Proof Reading Day and National Peanut Cluster Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day..........Somebody done blew out his pilot light.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----------just for my good buddy, Jarhead.........
By the time the Marine pulled into the little town, every motel room was taken. "You've got to have something," he pleaded. "I'll take anything."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy. He might be glad to split the cost. But, I have to warn you, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained."
"No problem. I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" the manager asked.
"Never better!"
"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," the Marine said.
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. I went over, kissed him on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."
___________________________________________
In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merrimac) clashed for five hours to a draw at Hampton Roads, Virginia.
In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico, killing 18 Americans.
In 1933, Congress, called into special session by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, began its "hundred days" of enacting New Deal legislation.
In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-communism campaign on "See It Now."
In 1977, about a dozen armed Hanafi Muslims invaded three buildings in Washington, D.C., killing one person and taking more than 130 hostages. (The siege ended two days later.)
_______________________________________________
Today-----------Singer Lloyd Price is 80, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 79, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 77, Actress Trish Van Devere is 72, Singer Mark Lindsay is 71, Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 70, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 65 and Country singer Jimmie Fadden is 65.
_______________________________________________
March 9th is: Barbie Day, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Panic Day, Genealogy Day and International Fanny Pack Day.
_______________________________________________
Quip for the day........True friends stab you in the front.
_______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------hah......
Mrs. Bartholomew had been in the doctor's office for only a few minutes when suddenly she burst from the room and ran screaming down the hall.
Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him what had happened.
The second doctor turned on his heels and marched up the hall and accosted the first doctor, who was busy writing on a clipboard.
"What on earth is the matter with you?" the second doctor said. "Mrs. Bartholomew is 71 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
The first doctor continued writing. Without looking up he asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
______________________________________________
In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell's assistant, Thomas Watson, heard Bell say over his experimental telephone: "Mr. Watson -- come here --I want to see you."
In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.
In 1913, former slave, abolitionist and Underground Railroad "conductor" Harriet Tubman died in Auburn, NY: she was in her 90's.
In 1933, a maginitude-6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, CA, resulted in 120 deaths.
In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. (Ray later repudiated the plea maintaining his innocensce until his death.)
In 1973, the Pink Floyd album "The Dark Side of the Moon" was first released in the U.S. by Capitol Records. (The British release came nearly two weeks later.)
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Today-----Talk show host Ralph Emery is 80, Bluegrass/country singer-musician Norman Blake is 75, Actor Chuck Norris is 73, Playwright David Rabe is 73, Singer Dean Torrence is 73, Actor Richard Gant is 69, Actress Katharine Houghton is 68 and Rock musician Tom Scholz is 66.
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March 10th is: Girl Scout Sunday, International Day Of Awesomeness, Land Line Telephone Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Mario Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day, Women And Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Check Your Batteries Day.
________________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Anatomy is something that everyone has but somehow looks better on girls.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------old but a good one......
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when six members of an outlaw motorcycle gang walked in.
Two of them elbowed the old man as they walked by. The third knocked the old man's hat off. The fourth pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and the fifth knocked over his glass of milk. The sixth challenged the old man: "You're sitting in my seat."
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Ha! Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his rig over six motorcycles."
__________________________________________
In 1861, the Constitution of the Confederate States of America was adopted by the Confederate Congress in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1888, the Blizzard of '88, also known as the "Great White Hurricane," began inundating the northeastern United States, resulting in some 400 deaths.
In 1959, the Lorraine Hansberry drama "A Raisin In The Sun" opened at New York's Ethel Barrymore Theater.
In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.
In 1993, Janet Reno was unanimously confirmed by the Senate to be Attorney General.
______________________________________
Today--------Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 82, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 79, Actress Tricia O'Neil is 68, Actor Mark Metcalf is 67, Rock singer-musician Mark Stein (Vanilla Fudge) is 66, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 63, Movie director Jerry Zucker is 63 and Actress Susan Richardson is 61.
______________________________________
March 11th is: Dream 2013 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Fill Our Staplers Day, Napping Day and World Plumbing Day.
______________________________________
Quip for the day........Bumper sticker: Pardon my driving.....I'm reloading.
______________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------funny.......
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.
____________________________________________
In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.
In 1980, a Chicago jury found John Wayne Gacy Jr. guilty of the murders of 33 men and boys.
In 1993, Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female U.S. Attornery General.
In 2003, Elizabeth Smart, the 15-year-old girl who had vanished from her bedroom nine months earlier, was found alive in a Salt Lake City suburb with two drifters, Brian David Mitchell and Wanda Barzee, who are serving prison terms for kidnapping.
__________________________________________
Today----------Playwright Edward Albee is 85, Actress Barbara Feldon is 80, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 77, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 67, Singer-songwriter James Tayor is 65 and Singer Al Jarreau is 73.
__________________________________________
March 12th is: Girl Scout Birthday Day and Organize Your Home Office Day.
__________________________________________
Quip for the day........My boss he wanted to see my butt in my 8:00, so I showed up naked.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------redneck day.........
A couple of rubes are visiting Las Vegas for the first time. They approach a Coke machine.
One of them puts in some coins, pushes a button and pops a Coke!
"Hoo wee!" the guy yells. He reaches into his pockets for more coins. He inserts them in the machine and out pops another Coke!
He does this again and again.
His friend is getting more and more agitated. Finally, he interrupts, "Hey, let me try," he says.
The first guy snaps, "Not now! Can't you see I'm on a winning streak?"
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In 1639, New College was renamed Harvard College for clergyman John Harvard.
In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners.
In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution. (Gov. Austin Peay signed the measure on March 21.)
In 1969, the Apollo 9 astronauts splashed down, ending a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module.
_________________________________________
Today------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 88, Country singer Jan Howard is 83, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 80, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 74, Opera singer Julia Migenes is 64 and Actor William H. Macy is 63.
_________________________________________
March 13th is: Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Inside Day, Registered Dietician Day and Smart and Sexy Day.
_________________________________________
Quip for the day........His butter done slipped off his biscuit.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie.......
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he is 6-feet-2-inches tall with blond wavy hair and a movie star smile.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and she says, "You can't believe her. He's 5-feet tall, and has no hair. He has bad teeth and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The police return and question the first woman about her false description. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I want him back!"
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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin.
In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.
In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to file an income tax return, paying a tax of $17,990 on his $75,000 salary.
In 1951, during the Korean War, United Nations forces recaptured Seoul.
In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death. (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.)
In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today----Former astronaut Frank Borman is 85, Singer Phil Phillips is 82, Actor Michael Caine is 80, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 80, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 79, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 74, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 72, Country singer Michael Martin Murphy is 68, Rock singer Walt Parazaider is 68, Actor Steve Kanaly is 67 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 65.
______________________________________________
March 14th is: International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and World Kidney Day.
______________________________________________
Quip for the day......Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------not too good, back to the archives.....
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.
In 1820, Maine became the 23rd state.
In 1913, President Woodrow Wilson met with about 100 reporters for the first formal presidential press conference.
In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.
In 1962, a chartered Flying Tiger Line airplane carrying 107 people, most of them U.S. Army personnel, disappeared while en route from Guam to the Philippines.
In 1972, "The Godfather," Francis Ford Coppola's epic gangster movie based on the Mario Puzo novel and starring Marlon Brando and Al Pacino, premiered in New York.
In 1985, the first Internet domain name, symbolics.com, was registered by Symbolics Computer Corp. of Massachusetts.
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Today-----------Musician DJ Fontana is 82, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 81, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 80, Actor Judd Hirsch is 78, Rock musician Phil Lesh is 73, Singer Mike Love is 72, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 70, Rock singer-musician Howard Scott is 67 and Rock singer Ry Cooder is 66.
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March 15th is: Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brutus Day, Buzzards Day, Ides of March, True Confessions Day, World Consumer Rights Day, Freedom Of Information Day and U.S. Snowshoe day (15-17).
___________________________________________________
Quip for the day.............If you ain't making waves, you ain't kicking hard enough.
___________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------hah......
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the airconditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't mind." said the waiter with a smile."We don't even have an air conditioner."
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In 1751, James Madison, fourth president of the United States, was born in Port Conway, VA.
In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.
In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket.
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Today-------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 87, Country singer Ray Walker is 79, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 72, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 72, Singer-songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker is 71, Actor Erik Estrada is 64, Actor Victor Garber is 64, Actress Kate Nelligan is 62 and Country singer Ray Benson is 62.
_____________________________________________
March 16th is: Curlew Day, Goddard Day, International Sports Car Racing Day, Lips Appreciation Day and National Quilting Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day........Does the age-old question "Where's the beef?" still make you laugh?
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------good one....
A Kansas farmer and his wife had a son who helped on the farm until he moved West to California.
Three years later, the farmer and his wife boarded an airplane for the first time and flew to California to visit their son. They stayed a week. Their son barbecued on the patio each night.
When the couple returned home, their neighbors gathered to welcome them back. Several of them asked, "So, what did you think of California?"
"I didn't like it a bit," the farmer said. "They do things backward there."
"Like what?"
"Well, if you can believe it, they cook outside, and go to the toilet inside!"
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In A.D. 461 (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.
In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.
In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."
In 1993, Helen Hayes, the "first Lady of the American Theater," died in Nyack, NY, at age 92.
__________________________________________
Today----------------Actor Gabriele Ferzetti is 88, Former NASA astronaut Ken Mattingly is 77, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 72, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian is 69, Rock musician Harold Brown is 67, Actor Patrick Duffy is 64 and Actor Kurt Russell is 62.
__________________________________________
March 17th is: Campfire Girl's Day and St. Patrick's Day.
__________________________________________
Quip for the day......We can't all be Irish........someone has to drive.
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----good one.....
The Smiths are very proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors came to America on the Mayflower. Their lineage includes senators, pastors and captains of industry. They decide to compile a family history. They hire a fine author.
There's only one problem. What about the great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair? The author assures them not to worry. He will handle that part with tact.
When the book appears, the family turns to the section on Uncle George. There they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, a position to which he remained attached until his death, which came as a real shock."
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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order authorizing the War Relocation Authority, which was put in charge of interning Japanese-Americans with Milton S. Eisenhower (the younger brother of Dwight D. Eisenhower) as its director.
In 1974, most of the Arab oil-producing nations ended their embargo against the United States.
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Today-----Composer John Kandor is 86, Country singer Charlie Pride is 75, Actor Kevin Dobson is 70 and Actor Brad Dourif is 63.
________________________________________
March 18th is: Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom And Dad Day, National Biodiesel Day and Well-elderly Day.
________________________________________
Quip for the day.............Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------no mention of the word blond...
A woman notices that her boss, also a woman, starts leaving work an hour early each day. She decides if the boss can get away with it, she can get away with it, too.
One day, she waits for awhile after her boss has left, then heads for home. As she starts to open the side door she glances through the window and sees her boss and her husband kissing in the kitchen.
She rushes back to work and tells the story to he co-workers. "That's just terrible!" they say.
"I know," the woman says, "I almost got caught!"
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In 1687, French explorer Rene-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle -- the first European to navigate the length of the Mississippi River -- was murdered by mutineers in present-day Texas.
In 1863, Congress approved Daylight Saving Time.
In 1931, Nevada Gov. Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.
In 1953, the Academy Awards ceremony was televised for the first time; "The Greatest Show on Earth" was named best picture for 1952.
In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq. (Because of the time difference, it was early March 20 in Iraq.)
____________________________________________________
Today---------Former White House national security adviser Brent Scowcroft is 88, Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 83, Author Philip Roth is 80, Actress Rene Taylor is 80, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 80, Actress Ursula Andress is 77, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 76, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 67, Actress Glenn Close is 66 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 61.
_____________________________________________________
March 19th is: National Agriculture Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day.
_____________________________________________________
Quip for the day........After one pays their income tax, they know how a cow feels after she's been milked.
_____________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------got it......
Talk about a lousy restaurant! Unbelievable!
I called the waiter over and said, "Excuse me, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?"
The waiter said, sarcastically, "Well, what does it taste like?"
I said, "It tastes like gasoline."
The waiter sniffed and said, "Well, sir, that's the coffee then, for sure. Our tea tastes like turpentine."
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In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.
In 2003, on the first day of the Iraqi War, a subdued Saddam Hussein appeared on state-run television after the intial American air strike on Baghdad accusing the United States of a "shameful crime" and urging his people to "draw your sword" against the invaders. American combat units rumbled across the desert into Iraq from the south.
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Today------------Singer Dame Vera Lynn is 96, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 91, Actor Hal Linden is 82, Country singer Don Edwards is 74, TV producer Paul Junger Witt is 70, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 65, Actor William Hurt is 63, Rock musician Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 63 and Rock musician Jimmie Vaughan is 62.
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March 20th is: Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Great American Meat Out Day, Interntional Astrology Day, Kick Butt Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Jump Out! Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Proposal Day, Snowman Burning Day, Vernal Equinox (Spring) and Won't You Be My Neighbor Day.
________________________________________________
Quip for the day............If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------funny.......
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. A lengthy search resulted in three finalists -- two men and a woman. Each candidate was handed a gun and led into a separate room.
"You always must follow instructions without questions," each candidate was told. "Inside you will find your spouse sitting in a chair. Shoot to kill."
The first man flatly refused. "I would never shoot my wife," he said. He was dismissed.
The second candidate took the gun into his assigned room, but returned a few moments later. "I can't do it," he said.
The female candidate went into her room. Many shots were heard, then sounds of a struggle.
The door opened and there she stood. She wiped her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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In 1907, U.S. Marines arrived in Honduras to protect American lives and interests in the wake of political violence.
In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates and closed at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1965, civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their third successful march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1972, the Supreme Court, in Dunn v. Blumstein, ruled that states may not require at least a year's residency for voting eligibility.
_________________________________________________
Today---------Violinist-conductor Joseph Silverstein is 81, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 74, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 69, Singer-musician Rose Stone is 68, Actor Timothy Dalton is 67, Singer Eddie Money is 64, Rock singer-musician Roger Hodgson is 63, Rock musician Conrad Lozano is 62 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. is 62.
_________________________________________________
March 21st is: Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Brain Injury Awareness Day, Companies That Care Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Day Of Action On Syringe Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Spring Fairy Day and World Down Syndrome Day.
_________________________________________________
Quip for the day............AIBOHPHOBIA-----the fear of palindromes.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------good one.......
A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, then says to the bartender, "Hey, would you like to hear a great blonde joke?"
The bartender says, "Go ahead, but before you tell it, I think you should know that the bouncer over there is a blonde, and the owner that just walked in behind you is a blonde, and the person sitting on one side of you is a blonde with a black belt in karate, and the person sitting on the other side of you is a blonde who is a body builder. Also, even though I happen to shave my head, I'm a blonde, too. You still want to tell that joke?"
The guy says, "Naw, I don't want to have to explain it five times."
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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachussetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.
In 1765, the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies, which fiercely resisted the tax.
In 1820, U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with Commodore James Barron near Washington, D.C.
In 1894, hockey's first Stanley Cup championship game was played; home team Montreal defeated Ottawa, 3-1.
In 1941, the Grand Coulee hydroelectric dam in Washington state went into operation.
In 1963, The Beatles' debut album, "Please Please Me," was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone.
In 1978, Karl Wallenda, the 73-year-old patriarch of "The Flying Wallendas" high wire act, fell to his death while attempting to walk a cable strung between two hotel towers in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
In 1988, both houses of Congress overrode President Ronald Reagan's veto of the Civil Rights Restoration Act.
___________________________________________
Today------------Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 83, Evangelist broadcaster Pat Robertson is 83, Actor William Shatner is 82, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 78, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 72, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 70, Writer James Patterson is 66, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 65, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 65, Actress Fanny Ardant is 64 and Sportscaster Bob Costas is 61.
___________________________________________
March 22nd is: As Young As You Feel Day, Education And Sharing Day, International Day Of The Seal, International Goof-off Day and World Water Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------more blonde.....
Yes, she's a bit of a ditz, but still you have to feel sorry for her.
She went to the doctor, after suffering with terrrible pain for about a week.
She said, "I hurt all over. I touch my knee and it hurts like crazy." She demonstrated by touching her knee. "Ouch!" she cried.
She continued, "I touch my shoulder and it hurts. Ouch! I touch my forehead and it hurts. Ouch!"
The doctor listened patiently, then took the young woman's hand and inspected it. "I think I see the problem," he said.
"Oh, doctor, what is it?"
"Your finger is broken."
____________________________________________
In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death."
In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back East.
In 1942, the first Japanese-Americans evacuated by the U.S. Army during World War II arrived at the internment camp in Manzanar, CA.
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Today------Comedian Marty Allen is 91, Runner Sir Roger Bannister is 84, Movie director Mark Rydell is 79, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 76, Singer-songwriter-musician-producer Ric Ocasek is 64 and Singer Chaka Khan is 60.
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March 23rd is: Corn Dog Day, National Puppy Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day........No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------quiz time.......
Here are the questions:
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was name April. The second child was name May. What was the name of the third child?
2. How much dirt is there is a hole that is two feet by three feet by four feet?
3. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
4. In California, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
5. What was the president's name in 1975?
Here are the answers:
1. Johnny, of course.
2. There is no dirt in a hole, dummy.
3. "Incorrectly."
4. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You have to have a camera, silly.
5. Barack Obama, duh.
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In 1765, Britain enacted the Quartering Act, requiring American colonists to provide temporary housing to British soldiers.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill granting future independence to the Phillippines.
In 1958, rock-and-roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tennessee.
In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.
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Today---Poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 94, Fashion and designer Bob Mackie is 74, Movie director Curtis Hanson is 68, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 65, Singer Nick Lowe is 64, Rock musician Dougie Thomson is 62, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 62 and Comedian Louie Anderson is 60.
_________________________________
March 24th is: National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day, National Tuberculosis Day and Palm Sunday.
_________________________________
Quip for the day.......A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
_________________________________
Larryj
Today's------ooooh.....
The big international beer festival has concluded and some of the CEOs decide to celebrate at a nearby bar.
The guy from Corona sits down and says to the bartender, "Hey, senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender serves it up.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'll have the King of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness says, "I'll have a Coke."
The others give him shocked looks. "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" they ask him.
He replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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In 1776, Gen. George Washington, commander of the Continental Army, was awarded the first Congressional Gold Medal by the Continental Congress.
In 1963, private pilot Ralph Flores and his 21-year-old passenger, Helen Klaben, were rescued after being stranded for seven weeks in brutally cold conditions in the Yukon after their plane crashed.
____________________________________________
Today------Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 87, Former astronaut James Lovell is 85, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 79, Singer Anita Bryant is 73, Singer Aretha Franklin is 71, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 70 and Singer Elton John is 66.
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March 25th is: International Day of Remembrance of Slavery And The Transatlantic, National Day of Celebration of Greek and American Democracy, National Medal of Honor Day, Old New Years Day, Passover, Pecan Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Waffle Day.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day........I always take life with a grain of salt........plus a slice of lemon......and a shot of tequila.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------bumpersticker day......
I brake for........OH NO! MY BRAKES ARE OUT!
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Earth first! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Gravity. It's the law!
Don't drink and drive.......you might spill your drink.
My stupid kids can beat up your honor students.
_______________________________________
In 1874, poet Robert Frost was born in San Francisco.
In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.
In 1988, Jessie Jackson stunned fellow Democrats by soundly defeating Michael S. Dukakis in Michigan's Democratic presidential caususes.
In 1997, the bodies of 39 members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, CA.
_________________________________________
Today----Conductor-composer Pierre Boulez is 88, Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is 83, Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 82, Actor Alan Arkin is 79, House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi is 73, Actor James Caan is 73, Journalist Bob Woodward is 70, Singer Diana Ross is 69, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 65, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 64 and Comedian Martin Short is 63.
_________________________________________
March 26th is: Legal Assistants Day, Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and American Diabetes Association Alert Day.
_________________________________________
Quip for the day......(more)......My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------bad Easter jokes.....
Q: What do Easter bunnies get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else.
Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for three hours!
Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM hippity BOOM?
A: The Easter elephant.
Q: What do you call of line of rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: What kind of book does a rabbit like to read?
A: A book with a hoppy ending.
(groan)
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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted present-day Florida.
In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.
In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.
In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.
In 1973, "The Godfather" won the Academy Award for best picture of 1972, but Marlon Brando refused to accept his Oscar for best actor.
__________________________________________
Today--------Dance company director Arthur Mitchell is 79, Actor Julian Glover is 78, Actor Jerry Lacy is 77, Hall-of-Fame racer Cale Yarborough is 74, Actor-director Austin Pendleton is 73, Actor Michael York is 71 and Rock musician Tony Banks (Genesis) is 63.
__________________________________________
March 27th is: Celebrate Exchange Day, Education and Sharing Day, Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day and Viagara Day.
__________________________________________
Quip for the day.......How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to cuss? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
__________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----cute kid......
Young Tommy and his parents sat down for Easter dinner at grandma's house in the country. Tommy immediately grabbed a piece of roast and started to eat it.
"Tommy, stop!" his mother cried. "We haven't said grace yet."
"We don't need to say grace," Tommy said.
"Whatever do you mean?" his shocked mother replied. "We ALWAYS say grace!"
"That's at our house," Tommy said. "This is grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
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In 1898, the Supreme Court, in United States v. Wong Kim Ark, ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.
In 1963, the Alfred Hitchcock fillm "The Birds" premiered in New York.
In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.
In 1990, President George H.W. Bush presented the Congressional Gold Medal to the widow of U.S. Olympic legend Jesse Owens.
___________________________________
Today-------Former White House national security adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski is 85, Country musician Charlie McCoy is 72, Movie director Mike Newell is 71, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 70, Actor Ken Howard is 69 and Actress Dianne Wiest if 65.
___________________________________
March 28th is: Barnum and Bailey Day and Weed Appreciation Day.
___________________________________
Quip for the day............You are never too old to learn something stupid.
___________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------more Easter......
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing you.
Q: How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
A: Only one. After that, it's not an empty basket any more, dummy!
Q: So, what's the difference between a counterfeit banknote and a crazy rabbit?
A: One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
Q: How do you get a rabbit to come to you?
A: Make a noise like a carrot.
(groan)
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In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in present-day Delaware.
In 1882, the Knights of Columbus was chartered in Connecticut.
In 1943, World War II rationing of meat, fats and cheese began.
In 1971, Army Lt. William L. Calley Jr. was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre. (Calley ended up serving three years under house arrest.)
In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.
In 2003, Michelle Kwan became only the third American to win five World Figure Skating Championships, after Dick Button and Carol Heiss, at the competition in Washington, D.C.
________________________________________
Today--------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 86, Author Judith Guest is 77, Comedian-actor-author-singer-writer Eric Idle is 70, Composer Vangelis is 70, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 68 and Singer Bobby Kimball is 66.
________________________________________
March 29th is: Good Friday, Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Day Of Unplugging, National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day, Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.
________________________________________
Quip for the day.......If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.
________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------another cute kid.....
Billly was in church on Easter Sunday when he started to feel sick. "Mommy, can we leave now?" he asked his mother.
"No, Billy, not until the service is over."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"Oh, dear! Go outside, quickly, and throw up behind a bush."
The boy left, then returned less than a minute later.
His mother said, "That was fast."
Billy said, "I didn't have to go outside. There's a box next to the front door that says, 'FOR THE SICK.'"
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In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.
In 1870, the 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which prohibited denying citizens the right to vote and hold office on the basis of race was declared in effect by Secretary of State Hamilton Fish.
In 1870, Texas was readmitted to the Union.
In 1909, the Queensboro Bridge, linking the New York City boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, opened.
In 1923, the Cunard liner RMS Laconia became the first passenger ship to circle the globe as it arrived in New York.
In 1959, a narrowly divided U.S. Supreme Court, in Bartkus v. Illinois, ruled that a conviction in state court following an aquittal in federal court for the same crime did not constitute double jeopardy.
In 1963, singer Leslie Gore, age 16, recorded her hit "It's my party" for Mercury records in New York.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan escaped an attempt on his life outside a Washington, D.C. hotel, where he was shot and seriously wounded by John W. Hinckley Jr. Also wounded were White House press secretary James Brady, Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy and District of Columbia police officer Thomas Delahanty.
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Today------------Game show host Peter Marshall is 87, Actor Richard Dysart is 84, Actor John Astin is 83, Entertainer Rolf Harris is 83, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 76, Rock musician Graeme Edge is 72, Rock musician Eric Clapton is 68, Actor Justin Deas is 65 and Actor Robbie Coltrane is 63.
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March 30th is: Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence, Pencil Day and Earth Hour.
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Quip for the day..........There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just pray it is not a train.
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Larryj
Today's-------smart man......
On Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones stood and announced to his congregation, "My good people, I hold here in my hands three possible sermons for this special day."
The worshipers leaned forward in their seats.
The pastor continued, "I have a $1,000 sermon that last 25 minutes. I have a $500 sermon that lasts an hour. And I have a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour and a half."
He paused for dramatic effect, then said, "The ushers will now collect an offering. We'll count up the total and see which sermon I will deliver."
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In 1931, Notre Dame college football coach Knute Rockne, 43, was killed in the crash of a TWA plane in Bazaar, Kan.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Conservation Work Act, which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.
In 1943, "Oklahoma," the first musical play by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, opened on Broadway.
In 1953, Stanley Kubrick's first feature, a war drama titled "Fear and Desire," premiered in New York.
In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned the country by announcing he would not seek re-election.
In 1976, the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Ann Quiinlan, who was in a persistent vegetative state, could be disconnected from her respirator. (Quinlan, who remained unconscious, died in 1985.)
In 1993, actor Brandon Lee, 28, was accidentally shot to death during the filming of a movie in Wilmington, N.C., when he was hit by a bullet fragment that had been lodged inside a prop gun.
In 1995, Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
In 2005, Terri Schiavo, 41, died at a hospice in Pinellas Park, Florida, 13 days after her feeding tube was removed in a wrenching right-to-die dispute.
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Today-------Actor William Daniels is 86, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 79, Actress Shirley Jones is 79, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 79, Musician Herb Alpert is 78, Senate President Pro Tempore Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., is 73, Former U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., is 73, Actor Christopher Walken is 70, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 68, Former Vice-President Al Gore is 65, Author David Eisenhower is 65, Actress Rhea Perlman is 65 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 63.
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March 31st is: Bunsen Burner Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day, Terri's Day and Easter.
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Quip for the day.......I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
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Larryj
Today's------funny......
A local business was looking to hire and put up a sign stating: "Help wanted. Must have computer skills. Must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
A dog trots in and starts barking and gesturing toward the sign. The manage laughs and says, "I'm sorry, doggy, I can't hire you. The sign says you have to have computer skills."
The dog goes over to a computer, logs on and starts running a complicated program.
The manager says, "Wow, that's impressive. But I can't hire a dog."
The dog goes back to the sign and points to the line that says, "We are an equal opportunity employer."
The manager says, "Yes, but the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looks at the manager and says, "Meow."
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In 1853, Cincinnati, Ohio, established a fire department made up of paid city employees.
In 1912, the city of Branson, Misssouri, was incorporated.
In 1945, American forces launched the amphibious invasion of Okinawa during World War II.
In 1962, the Katherine Anne Porter novel, "Ship of Fools," a allegory about the rise of Nazism in Germany, was published by Little, Brown and Co. on April Fool's Day.
In 1963, New York City's daily newspapers resumed publishing after settlement was reached in a 114-day strike.
In 1963, the daytime drama "General Hospital" premiered on ABC-TV.
In 1972, the first Major League Baseball players' strike began; it lasted 12 days.
In 1976, Apple Computer was founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne.
In 1984, recording star Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gay Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday. (The elder Gay pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter, and received probation.)
In 1992, the National Hockey League Players' Association went on its first-ever strike, which lasted 10 days.
In 2003, American troops entered a hospital in Nasiriyah, Iraq, and rescued Army Pfc. Jessica Lynch, who'd been held prisoner since her unit was ambushed on March 23.
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Today--------Actress Jane Powell is 85, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 83, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 81, Country singer Jim Ed Brown is 79, Actor Don Hastings is 79, Actress Ali MacGraw is 75, Rhythm-and-blues singer Rudolph Isley is 74, Reggae singer Jimmy Cliff is 65, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is 63, Rock musician Billy Currie (Ultravox) is 63, Actress Annette O'Toole is 61 and Movie director Barry Sonnenfeld is 60.
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April 1st is: April Fool's Day, Atheist Day, Boomer Bonus Day, International Tatting Day, Library Snap Shot Day, Myles Day, Natiional Fun Day, Poetry And The Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, Sorry Charlie Day, St. Stupid Day, Tater Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.
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Quip for the day......When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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Larryj
Today's------------heard these? See #10.....
Being elderly has its advantages......
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
3. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
4. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
5. Things you buy now are less likely to wear out.
6. You don't have to hold in your stomach when you walk out in public.
7. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
8. Your joints can predict the weather better than the TV meteorologists.
9. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable number.
10. Even if you have heard these jokes before, they seem brand-new.
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In 1792, Congress passed the Coinage Act, which authorized establishment of the U.S. Mint.
In 1912, the just-completed RMS Titanic left Belfast to begin its sea trials eight days before the start of its ill-fated maiden voyage.
In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy." (Congress declared war four days later.)
In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John F. Condon went to a cemetery in the The Bronx, N.Y., where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son. (The child, who was not returned, was found dead the following month.)
In 1942, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "American Patrol" at the RCA Victor studios in Hollywood.
In 1956, the soap operas "As the World Turns" and "The Edge of Night" premiered on CBS-TV.
In 1968, the science-fiction film "2001: A Space Odyssey," produced and directed by Stanley Kubrick, had its world premiere in Washington, D.C.
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Today-----Actrress Rita Gam is 85, Actress Sharon Acker is 78, Singer Leon Russell is 71, Jazz musician Larry Coryell is 70, Singer Emmylou Harris is 66, Social critic and author Camille Paglia is 66, Actress Pamela Reed is 64, Rock musician Dave Robinson (The Cars) is 60 and Actress Linda Hunt is 68.
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April 2nd is: International Children's Book Day, National Love Your Produce Manager Day, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, Reconciliation Day and World Autism Day.
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Quip for the day........I have trouble remembering simple words like......uh........
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Larryj
Today's----------yep............
An Arab sheik needed blood transfusions, but he had a rare blood type. An urgent call was put out to the community. A Scotsman responded and willingly donated his blood, which was exactly the right kind.
The sheik, after he recovered, rewarded the Scotsman with a luxury car, cash and jewelry.
Some time later, the sheik needed more blood. Again, the Scotsman volunteered. Afterward, the sheik sent him a card and a box of chocolates.
The Scotsman called and said, "I'm grateful for the card and the chocolates, but your first gifts were so much more lavish."
The sheik replied, "Aye, laddie, but now you see I have Scottish blood in my veins!"
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In 1776, George Washington received an honorary Doctor of Laws degree from Harvard College.
In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, Mo., and Sacramento. (The delivery system lasted only 18 months before giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.
In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, Mo., by Robert Ford, a member of James' gang.
In 1936, Bruno Hauptmann was electrocuted in Trenton, N.J. for the kidnap-murder of Charles Lindbergh Jr.
In 1948, President Truman signed the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist communism.
In 1968, the day before he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous "mountaintop" speech to a rally of striking sanitation workers.
In 1973, the first handheld portable telephone was demonstrated for reporters on a New York City street corner as Motorola executive Martin Cooper contacted Joel S. Engel of Bell Labs using a Motorola device that, according to an AP story, looked like "a small domesticated version of military walkie-talkies" and weighed less than three pounds.
In 1996, an Air Force jetliner carrying Commerce Secretary Ron Brown and American business executives crashed in Croatia, killing all 35 people aboard.
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Today---------Actress-singer Doris Day is 90, Conservationist Dame Jane Goodall is 79, Actor William Gaunt is 76, Actor Eric Braeden is 72, Actress Marsha Mason is 71, Singer Wayne Newton is 71, Singer Billy Joe Royal is 71, Singer Tony Orlando is 69, Comedy writer Pat Proft is 66, Folk rock singer Richard Thompson is 64 and Country singer Curtis Stone is 63.
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April 3rd is: Find A Rainbow Day, Pony Express Day, Tweed Day, Weed Of Hate: Sow The Seeds Of Greatness Day, World Grain Sampling Day, World Party Day, National Day Of Hope, National Walking Day and Paraprofessional Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day........If you can't read this.............you're illiterate.
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Larryj
Today's--------oh no!........
These two dumb guys drove to the store. Afterward, when they returned to the car, the driver patted his pockets and said, "Oh, no! I've lost my keys!"
The other guy said, "Oh, no! They're locked in the car. I can see them hanging in the ignition."
The driver said, "Oh, no!"
The other guy said, "Let me try to pick the door lock."
He worked at it for awhile, but made no progress.
Suddenly the driver said, "Oh, no! Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars, with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.
In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office.
In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.
In 1859, "Dixie" was performed publicly for the first time by Bryant's Minstrels at Mechanics' Hall in New York.
In 1933, the Navy airship USS Akron crashed in severe weather off the New Jersey coast with the loss of 73 lives.
In 1949, 12 nations, including the United States, signed the North Atlantic Treaty in Washington, D.C.
In 1960, Elvis Presley recorded "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" in Nashville for RCA Victor.
In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was shot to death as he stood on a balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn. (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming he'd been the victim of a setup.)
In 1973, the twin towers of New York's World Trade Center were officially dedicated.
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger roared into orbit on its maiden voyage. (It was destroyed in the disaster of January 1986.)
In 1988, the Arizona Senate convicted Gov. Evan Mecham of two charges of official misconduct, and removed him from office. (Mecham was the first U.S. governor to be impeached and removed from office in nearly six decades.)
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Today---------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 92, Author-poet Maya Angelou is 85, Recording executive Clive Davis is 81, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 74, Author Kitty Kelley is 71, Actor Walter Charles is 68, Actress Christine Lahti is 63 and Country singer Steve Gatlin is 62.
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April 4th is: International Day For Mine Awareness and Assistance On Mine Action, Square Root Day, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day, World Rat Day and National D.A.R.E Day.
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Quip for the day.........Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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Larryj
Today's--------this is true.........
THINGS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES:
1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone else will join in, and they will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner while you disable them one at a time.
6. Police departments apparently give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assiagned a partner who is their total opposite.
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds.
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In 1614, Pocohontas, daughter of the leader of the Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia. (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)
In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a monthlong return trip to England.
In 1792, President George Washington cast his first veto, rejecting a congressional measure for apportioning representatives among the states.
In 1887, in Tuscumbia, Alabama, Anne Sullivan acheived a breakthrough as her blind and deaf pupil, Helen Keller, learned the meaning of the word "water" as spelled out in the Manual Alphabet.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order creating the Civilian Conservation Corps and an anti-hoarding order that effectively prohibited private ownership of gold.
In 1951, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were sentenced to death following their conviction in New York on charges of conspiring to commit espionage for the Soviet Union.
In 1964, Army Gen. Douglas MacArthur died in Washington at age 84.
In 1976, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.
In 1987, Fox Broadcasting Co. made its prime-time TV debut by airing a total of three times the premiere episode of "Married -- With Children" followed by "The Tracy Ullman Show."
In 2008, actor Charelton Heston, big-screen hero and later leader of the National Rifle Association, died at age 84.
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Today---------Movie producer Roger Corman is 87, Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 82, Country singer Tommy Cash is 73, Actor Michael Moriarty is 72, Pop singer Allan Clarke (The Hollies) is 71, Writer-director Peter Greenaway is 71, Actor Max Gail is 70, Actress Jane Asher is 67, Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 63, Actor Mitch Pileggi is 61 and Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 76.
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April 5th is: National Deep Dish Pizza Day, Hospital Admitting Clerks Day and National Walk To Work Day.
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Quip for the day......Life is like a donut.............you're either in the dough or in the hole.
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Larryj
Today's------punny........groaner.....
Steven Spielberg is discussing his new historical drama about the lives of famous music composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been signed to star in the movie. They are present in the room.
"Whom do want to play?" Spielberg asks Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," Bruce says. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" Spielberg asks.
"Mozart's the one for me," Sly answers.
"And what about you," Spielberg asks Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnie says, firmly, "I'll be Bach!"
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In 1830, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was organized by Joseph Smith in Fayette, NY.
In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee as Confederate forces launched a surprise attack against Union troops, who beat back the Confederates the next day.
In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.
In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of war against Germany.
In 1959, "Gigi" won the Academy Award for best picture of 1958; Susan Hayward was named best actress for "I Want To Live!" and David Niven was named best actor for "Separate Tables." (To the embarrassment of the show's producers, the scheduled 2-hour ceremony fell about 20 minutes short.)
In 1973, Ron Blomberg of the New York Yankees became Major League Baseball's first designated hitter as he faced pitcher Luis Tiant of the Boston Red Sox at Fenway. (Blomberg was walked with the bases loaded; Boston won the game, 15-5.)
In 1973, NASA launched Pioneer II, which flew by Jupiter and Saturn.
In 1998, country singer Tammy Wynette died at her Nashville home at age 55.
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Today-----Nobel Prize-winning scientist James D. Watson is 85, Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 84, Country singer Merle Haggard is 76, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 76, Actor Roy Thinnes is 75, Writer-comedian Phil Austin (Firesign Theatre) is 72, Movie director Barry Levinson is 71, Actor John Ratzenberger is 66, Actress Marilu Henner is 61 and Olympic bronze medal figure skater Janet Lynn is 60.
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April 6th is: Army Day, New Beer's Eve, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, National Love Our Children Day, The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day, Tartan Day, National Student Athlete Day, Teflon Day and International Pillow Fight Day.
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Quip for the day......more punny.......The man who fell into the upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.
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Larryj
Today's---------it's Sunday.........
At Sunday School the children were told that God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially interested when he heard the part about how Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs.
Later that week, his mother noticed him lying down and groaning in pain.
"Johnny, what is the matter?" she asked him.
He replied, with a grimace, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
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In 1788, an expedition led by Gen. Rufus Putnam established a settlement at present-day Marietta, Ohio.
In 1798, the Mississippi Territory was created by an act of Congress, with Natchez as the capital.
In 1862, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee.
In 1922, the Teapot Dome scandal began as Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall signed a secret deal to lease U.S. Navy petroleum reserves to his friends, oilmen Harry F. Sinclair and Edward L. Doheny.
In 1927, the image and voice of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover were transmitted live from Washington to New York in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.
In 1949, the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical "South Pacific" opened on Broadway.
In 1959, a referendum in Oklahoma repealed the state's ban on alcoholic beverages.
In 1966, the U.S. Navy recovered a hydrogen bomb that the U.S. Air Force had lost in the Mediterranean Sea off Spain following a
B-52 crash.
In 1969, the Supreme Court, in Stanley v. Georgia, unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material.
In 1978, President Jimmy Carter announced he was deferring development of the neutron bomb, a high-radiation weapon.
In 1983, space shuttle astronauts, Story Musgrave and Don Peterson went on the first U.S. spacewalk in almost a decade as the worked in the open cargo bay of Challenger for nearly four hours.
In 2003, the Supreme Court voted 6-3 to uphold a 50-year-old Virginia law making it a crime to burn a cross as an act of imtimidation.
In 2003, Syracuse won the NCAA basketball tournament with an 81-78 victory over Kansas.
In 2008, Kansas won the NCAA championship defeating Memphis, 75-68.
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Today-----Actor James Garner is 85, Country singer Cal Smith is 81, Actor Wayne Rogers is 80, Media commentator Hodding Carter III is 78, Country singer Bobby Bare is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Charlie Thomas (The Drifters) is 76, California Gov. Jerry Brown is 75, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 74, TV personality David Frost is 74, Singer Patricia Bennett (The Chiffons) is 66, Singer John Oates is 64, Singer Janis Ian is 62 and Country musician John Dittrich is 62.
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April 7th is: International Beaver Day, International Snailpapers Day, Metric System Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day, Tangible Karma Day and World Health Organization Day.
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Quip for the day...........FACT: Jesus was from California. He walked around bare-footed, he never cut his hair and he started a new religion.
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Larryj
Today's--------riddle time............
Test your skills with these three riddles. Answers below.
1. The peasant is condemned to death. He can choose between a room of raging fire, a room of sword swinging assassins or a room full of lions that haven't eaten in three years. Which room is safest for him?
2. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and gray when you throw it away?
3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday or Sunday?
Answers....
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. Barbeque charcoal.
3. It's easy: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
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Today is Monday, April 8, the 98th day of 2013. There are 267 days left in the year.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Relief Appropriations Act, which provided money for programs such as the Works Progress Administration.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered a freeze on wages and prices to combat inflation.
In 1946, the League of Nations assembled in Geneva for its final session.
In 1952, President Harry S. Truman seized the American steel industry to avert a nationwide strike. (The Supreme Court later ruled that Truman had overstepped his authority, opening the way for a seven-week strike by steelworkers.)
In 1963, "Lawrence of Arabia" won the Oscar for best picture at the Academy Awards; Gregory Peck won best actor for "To Kill a Mockingbird" while Anne Bancroft received best actress honors for "The Miracle Worker."
In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth's record.
In 1988, TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggart resigned from the Assemblies of God after he was defrocked for rejecting an order from the church's national leaders to stop preaching for a year amid reports he'd consorted with a prostitute.
In 1994, Kurt Cobain, singer and guitarist for the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead in Seattle from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound; he was 27.
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Today------Comedian Shecky Greene is 87, Actor-turned-diplomat John Gavin is 82, Basketball Hall-of-Famer John Havlicek is 73, "Mouseketeer" Darlene Gilllespie is 72, Singer Peggy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 72, Songwriter-producer Leon Huff is 71, Actor Hywel Bennett is 69, Actor Stuart Pankin is 67, Rock musician Steve Howe is 66, Movie director John Madden is 64 and Rock musician Mel Schacher (Grank Funk Railroad) is 62.
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April 8th is: Buddha Day and Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day.
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Quip for the day........Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. The rest have no imaginatiion whatsoever.
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Larryj
Today's---------true.......
"Hey, Dad," one of my kids asked at the dinner table the other day. "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I replied.
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called Home. Your Grandma cooked every day and we sat together at the dinner table every day, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
My kid laughed and ran off to his room, so I didn't get to tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
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Today is April 9, the 99th day of 2013. There are 266 days left in the year.
In 1682, French explorer Robert de La Salle claimed the Mississippi River Basin for France.
In 1865, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appamattox Court House in Virginia.
In 1913, the first game was played at Ebbets Field, the newly built home of the Brooklyn Dodgers, who lost to the Philadelphia Phillies, 1-0.
In 1939, singer Marian Anderson performed a concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., after being denied the use of Constitution Hall by the Daughters of the American Revolution.
In 1942, during World War II, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March.
In 1947, a series of tornadoes in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas claimed 181 lives.
In 1959, NASA presented its first seven astronauts: Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Schirra, Alan Shepard and Donald Slayton.
In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger ended its first mission with a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
In 1996, in a dramtic shift of purse-string power, President Bill Clinton signed a line-item veto bill into law. However, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the veto in 1998.
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Today----Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner is 87, Satirical songwriter and mathematician Tom Lehrer is 85, Naturalist Jim Fowler is 81, Actress Michael Learned is 74, Country singer Margo Smith is 71 and Country singer Hal Ketchum is 60.
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April 9th is: Equal Pay Day, National Be Kind To Lawyers Day, National Cherish An Antique Day, National Former Prisoner Of War Day, Appamattox Day, Jenkins Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.
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Quip for the day............Mental backup in progress ------DO NOT DISTURB!
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Larryj
Today's---------another punny one.......
Workers at a local Venetian blind factory went on strike. The company agreed to negotiate and quickly granted most of the union's demands.
But then one faction of the workers, who operated the portion of the assembly line where the holes were bored into the slats, suddenly produced a new list of outrageous demands. The company threatened to shut down the plant and fire the entire workforce.
The local newspaper ran an editorial very critical of the worker's union. The headline read:
"They are trampling their advantage where the drapes of lath are bored."
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Today is the 100th day of 2013. There are 265 days left in the year.
In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first United States Patent Act.
In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage.
In 1925, the novel "The Great Gatsby," by F. Scott Fitzgerald, was first published.
In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.
In 1953, the 3-dimensional horror movie "House of Wax," produced by Warner Bros. and starring Vincent Price, premiered in New York.
In 1963, the fast-attack nuclear submarine USS Thresher (SSN-593) sank during deep-diving tests east of Cape Cod in a disaster that claimed 129 lives.
In 2003, Congress overwhelmingly passed a package of child safety protections, including a national Amber Alert network.
In 2003, Eva Narcissus Boyd, the singer formerly known as "Little Eva," died in Kinston, NC.
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Today---------Actor Max von Sydow is 84, Actress Liz Sheridan is 84, Actor Omar Sharif if 81, Sportscaster John Madden is 77, Actor Steven Seagal is 62 and Folk-pop singer Terry Roche is 60.
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April 10th is: ASPCA Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day, Salvation Army Founder's Day and Safety Pin Day.
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Quip for the day....Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you........but not the one in front of you.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah........
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, and their conversation drifted from the subject of politics to cooking.
"I bought a cookbook once," said one of them, "but I never could do anything with it. I didn't use it a single time."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" the other said, with a knowing chuckle.
"You said it," the first one said. "Every one of the recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean dish.'"
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Today is Thursday, April 11, the 101st day of 2013. There are 264 days left in the year.
In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.
In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman relieved Gen. Douglas MacArthur of his commands in the Far East.
In 1953, Oveta Culp Hobby became the first Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare.
In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.
In 1983, at the Academy Awards, "Gandhi" was named best picture; its star, Ben Kingsley, won best actor while Meryl Streep received the best actress Oscar for "Sophie's Choice."
In 1988, "The Last Emperor" won best picture at the Academy Awards ceremony; Cher won best actress for "Moonstruck." Michael Douglas best actor for "Wall Street."
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Today-----Ethel Kennedy is 85, Actor Joel Gray is 81, Actress Louise Lasser is 74, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 72, Movie writer-director John Milius is 69, Actor Peter Riegert is 66, Actor Meshach Taylor is 66, Movie director Carl Franklin is 64 and Actor Bill Irwin is 63.
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April 11th is: Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie Louie" Day, National Pet Day and World Parkinson's Disease Day.
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Quip for the day.........I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Walmart Superstore site.
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Larryj
Today's------uh oh........
I have some complaints about my doctor, or my former doctor, I should say.
I went in yesterday for a follow-up consultation about a recent physical exam. The doctor sat uncomfortably in his chair and just stared at me for awhile. He seemed reluctant to speak.
Finally, he said, "Before I begin, do you have any questions?"
Well, of course, I did. I asked him if there was something wrong with me, and did I need to worry, and was I going to be OK, and was I going to die?
He offered vague answers to each one. He said nothing of substance. Finally, he took a pad and pen and started writing.
He said, "Look, I'm not the one to push the panic button, so I'm referring you to a doctor who is."
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Today is Friday, April 12, the 102nd day of 2013. There are 263 days left in the year.
In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
In 1862, Union volunteers stole a Confederate locomotive near Marietta, Georgia, and headed toward Chattanooga, Tennessee, on a mission to sabotage as much of the rail line as the could; the raiders were caught.
In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.
In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.
In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the earth once before making a safe landing.
In 1963, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested and jailed in Birmingham, Alabama, charged with contempt of court and parading without a permit. (During his time behind bars, King wrote his "Letter from Birmingham Jail"; he was released on bond on April 20.)
In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.
In 1981, former world heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis died in Las Vegas, Nevada, at age 66.
In 1983, Chicagoans went to the polls to elect Harold Washington the city's first black mayor.
In 1985, Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, became the first sitting member of Congress to fly in space as the shuttle Discovery lifted off.
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Today--------Country singer Ned Miller is 88, Actress Jane Withers is 87, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 73, Actor Frank Bank ("Leave it to Beaver") is 71, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 69, Actor Ed O'Neill is 67, Author Tom Clancy is 66, Actor Dan Lauria is 66, Talk show host David Letterman is 66, Author Scott Turow is 64, Singer David Cassidy is 63 and Actor-playwright Tom Noonan is 62.
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April 12th is: D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything and Read), Grill Cheese Sandwich Day, International Day of Human Space Flight, Licorice Day and Walk On Your Wild Side Day.
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Quip for the day.....Never eat more than you can lift.
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Larryj
Today's--------yep.......
TEXTING FOR SENIORS.......
BFF-----Best Friend's Funeral.
BTW----Bring The Wheelchair.
BYOB---Bring Your Own Bedpan.
DWI----Driving While Incontinent.
LMFAO-Laughing My Flabby Abs Off.
LOL-----Living On Lipitor.
OMG----Oh, My! Gas!
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Today is Saturday, April 13, the 103rd day of the year. There are 262 days left in the year.
In 1613, Pocahontas, daughter of Chief Powhattan, was captured by English Capt. Samuel Argall in Virginia and held in exchange for English prisoners and stolen weapons. (During a yearlong captivity, Pocahontas converted to Christianity and ultimately opted to stay with the English.)
In 1742, Handel's "Messiah" had its first public performance in Dublin, Ireland.
In 1743, the third president of the United States, Thomas Jefferson, was born in Shadwell in the Virginia Colony.
In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, Missouri, to Sacramento, California, in 10 days.
In 1861, at the start of the Civil War, Fort Sumner in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C., on the 200th anniversary of the third American president's birth.
In 1958, Van Cliburn of the United States won the first international Tchaikovsky Competition for piano in Moscow, Russia.
In 1964, Sidney Poitier became the first black performer in a leading role to win an Academy Award for "Lilies of the Field." (Patricia Neal was named Best Actress for "Hud"; best picture went to "Tom Jones.")
In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst. (The astronauts managed to return safely.)
In 1992, the Great Chicago Flood took place as the city's century-old tunnel system and adjacent basements filled with water from the Chicago River.
In 2003, Mike Weir became the first Canadian to win the Masters after the first sudden-death playoff in 13 years.
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Today--------Movie director Stanley Donen is 89, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 78, Actor Edward Fox is 76, Actor Paul Sorvino is 74, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 71, Rock musician Jack Cassidy is 69, Actor Tony Dow is 68, Singer Al Green is 67, Actor Ron Perlman is 63, Actor William Sadler is 63, Singer Peabo Bryson is 62 and Bandleader/rock musician Max Weinberg is 62.
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April 13th is: Thomas Jefferson Day, Scrabble Day and Baby Massage Day.
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Quip for the day.....(from a FB friend)......I feel the urge to do some housework........no, wait..........False alarm.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.......
Two ladies struck up a conversation during a long wait at the airport. The first was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered woman from the South.
When the discussion turned to husbands, the California woman said, "You know, right after our marriage my husband built us a beautiful mansion."
The Southern lady said, "Well, bless your heart!"
"And he bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
"Well, bless your heart!"
"He also bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
"Well, bless your heart!"
"So, what about your husband?"
"My husband paid for me to go to charm school."
"Charm school? What on earth for?"
"Well, for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a hoot?' I learned to say 'Well, bless your heart!'''
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Today is Sunday, April 14, the 104th day of the year. There are 261 days left in the year.
In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.
In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster's "American Dictionary of the English Language" was published.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington.
In 1902, James Cash Penney opened his first store, The Golden Rule, in Kemmerer, Wyoming.
In 1910, President William Howard Taft became the first U.S. chief executive to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game as the Washington Senators beat the Philadelphia Athletics, 3-0.
In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 p.m. ship's time and began sinking. (The ship went under two hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.
In 1939, the John Steinbeck novel "The Grapes of Wrath" was first published by Viking Press.
In 1956, Ampex Corp. demonstrated its videotape recorder at the National Association of Radio and Television Broadcasters convention in Chicago.
In 1960, the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" opened on Broadway.
In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today-------Actor Bradford Dillman is 83, Actor Jay Robinson is 83, Country singer Loretta Lynn is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 73, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 72, Rock musician Ritchie Blackmore is 68 and Actor John Shea is 64.
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April 14th is: Children With Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse Day, International Moment Of Laughter Day and Pan American Day.
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Quip for the day.........What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Sanka!
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Larryj
Today's-------tax jokes.....
Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands...........Jimmy Kimmel.
A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us have to wait for tax day.........Bob Thaves.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag..........Jay Leno.
The tax code is about 10 times the size of the Bible and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.............Don Rickles.
Avoid strong drink. It can cause you to shoot at tax collectors...........and miss.........Robert A. Heinlein.
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Today is Monday, April 15, the 105th day of the year. There are 260 days left in the year.
In 1850, the city of San Francisco was incorporated.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington. Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.
In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland at 2:20 a.m. ship's time, more than 2 1/2 hours after striking an iceberg.
In 1943, the Ayn Rand novel "The Fountainhead" was first published by Bobbs-Merrill Co.
In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day. (The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.)
In 1960, a three-day conference to form the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) began at Shaw University in Raleigh, N.C. (The group's first chairman was Marion Barry.)
In 2003, Umpire Laz Diaz was attacked by a fan during a game between the Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox; the fan, Eric Dybas, was later sentenced to six months in jail and 30 months probation.)
In 2008, Actress Hazel Court, who'd co-starred with Boris Karloff and Vincent Price in horror movies of the 1950's and '60's, died near Lake Tahoe, CA, at age 82.
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Today--------Country singer Roy Clark is 80, Author and politician Jeffrey Archer is 73, Rock singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 69, Actor Michael Tucci is 67, Actress Lois Chiles is 66, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason is 66, Actress Amy Wright is 63, Columnist Heloise is 62 and Actor Michael Ansara is 91.
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April 15th is: Boston Marathon, Income Tax Pay Day, McDonald's Day, Take A Wild Guess Day and That Sucks Day.
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Quip for the day..........April 15 reminds us that some days are more taxing than others.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.....
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
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Today is Tuesday, April 16, the 106th day of the year. There are 259 days left in the year.
In 1789, President-elect George Washington left Mount Vernon, Virginia, for his inauguration in New York.
In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.
In 1862, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between 18 and 35.
In 1972, Apollo 18 blasted off on a voyage to the moon with astronauts John W. Young, Charles M. Duke Jr. and Ken Mattingly on board.
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Today-------Actor Peter Mark Richman is 88, Singer Bobby Vinton is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 66, NFL coach Bill Belichick is 61 and Rock singer-turned-politician Peter Garrett is 60.
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April 16th is: National Health Care Decisions Day, National Library Worker's Day, National Library Day, National Stress Awareness Day and One Day Without Shoes Day.
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Quip for the day.......I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
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Larryj
Today's-----a woman's ultimate fantasy.......
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered. He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
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Today is Wednesday, April 17, the 107th day of the year. There are 258 days left in the year.
In 1704, the first successful newspaper was published in Boston.
In 1817, the first U.S. school for the deaf was established in Hartford, Connecticut.
In 1861, Virginia became the 8th state to secede from the Union.
In 1869, the first professional baseball game was played. The Cincinnati Reds beat the Cincinnati Amateurs, 24-15.
In 1907, 11,745 immigrants arrived at Ellis Island.
In 1964, the Ford Mustang made it debut. The base price was $2,368.
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Today------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 65, Actress Olivia Hussey is 62 and Actor Clark Peters is 61.
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April 17th is: Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, Ford Mustang Day, National Bookmobile Day and Nothing Like A Dame Day.
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Quip for the day......Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the answering machine get it.
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Larryj
Today's--------uh oh......
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
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Today is Thursday, April 18, the 108th day of the year. There are 257 days left in the year.
In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Massachusetts, warning American colonists that the British were coming.
In 1831, the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa was officially opened.'
In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.
In 1923, the first game was played at the original Yankee Stadium in New York; the Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox, 4-1.
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Today--------Actress Barbara Hale is 92, Actress Hayley Mills is 67, Actor James Woods is 66 and Actor Rick Moranis is 60.
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April 18th is: Adult Autism Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, National Ask An Atheist Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day, High Five Day, International Amateur Radio Day, National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day and Support Teen Literature Day.
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Quip for the day........Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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Larryj
Today's-------whooo eeeee..........
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
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Today is Friday, April 19, the 109th day of the year. There are 256 days left in the year.
In 1764, the English Parliament banned the American colonies from printing paper money.
In 1775, the American Revolution began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.
In 1861, a week after the Civil War began, President Abraham Lincoln authorized the blockade of Southern ports.
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.
In 1982, NASA named Sally Ride as the first woman astronaut.
In 1993, the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound near Waco, Texas, ended as fire destroyed the structure after federal agents smashed their way in; dozens of people, including sect leader David Koresh, were killed.
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Today--------Actor Hugh O'Brien is 88 and Musician Bernie Worrell is 69.
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April 19th is: Day Of Silence, John Parker Day, National Hanging Out Day, Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day and DNA Day.
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Quip for the day.......Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
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Larryj
Today's-------gotta love them Irish.......
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died! Poor soul!"
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Today is Saturday, April 20, the 110th day of the year. There are 255 days left in the year.
In 1836, Congress voted to establish the Wisconsin Territory.
In 1861, Col. Robert E. Lee resigned his commission in the U.S. Army. (Lee went on to become general-in-chief of Confederate forces.)
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed a proclamation admitting West Virginia to the Union, effective in 60 days.
In 1972, the manned lunar module Apollo 16 landed on the moon.
In 1999, the Columbine High School massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, shot and killed 12 students and one teacher before taking their own lives.
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Today------Actor Leslie Phillips is 89, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., is 77, Actor George Takei is 76, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 74, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 72, Actor Gregory Itzin is 65 and Actress Jessica Lange is 64.
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April 20th is: Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, National Pot Smokers Day, Record Store Day and Spring Astronomy Day.
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Quip for the day.......The best part of dating homeless girls is that you can drop them off anywhere.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.....
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
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Today is Sunday, April 21, the 111th day of the year. There are 254 days left in the year.
In 1789, John Adams was sworn in as the first vice president of the United States.
In 1790, Benjamin Franklin was buried in what was the most elaborate of funerals in Philadelphia.
In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.
In 1862, Congress established the U.S. Mint in Denver.
In 1898, the United States declared war on Spain.
In 1948, the first Polaroid camera was sold in the U.S.
In 1955, the Jerome Lawrence-Robert Lee play "Inherit the Wind," inspired by the Scopes trial of 1925, opened at the National Theatre in New York.
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Today--------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 87, Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 81, Actor Charles Grodin is 78, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 66 and Actor Tony Danza is 62.
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April 21st is: Kindergarten Day and National Chocolate-covered Cashews Day.
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Quip for the day.........from Bill Cosby........"A word to the wise ain't necessary...........it's the stupid ones who need the advice."
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Larryj
Today's---------hah.......
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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Today is Monday, April 22, the 112th day of the year. There are 253 days left in the year.
In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.
In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began.
In 1938, 45 workers were killed in a coal mine explosion at Keen Mountain in Buchanan County, Virginia.
In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.
In 1970, millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day."
In 1994, former President Richard M. Nixon died four days after suffering a stroke. He was 81.
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Today------Actress Estelle Harris is 81, Singer Glen Campbell is 77, Actor Jack Nicholson is 76, Singer Mel Carter is 70, Author Janet Evanovich is 70, Movie director John Waters is 67 and Singer Peter Frampton is 63.
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April 22nd is: "In God We Trust" Day, Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day, Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day and National Jelly Bean Day.
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Quip for the day......Antique is a magic word that makes something old and useless suddenly priceless.
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Larryj
Today's-------wait for the moral.....
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie and popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you dummy!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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Today is Tuesday, April 23, the 113th day of the year. There are 252 days left in the year.
In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House in New York.
In 1791, the 15th President of the United States, James Buchanan, was born in Pennsylvania.
In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals.
In 1986, director-producer and character actor Otto Preminger died at age 80.
In 1993, Labor leader Cesar Chavez died in San Luis, Arizona, at age 66.
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Today------Actress-turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 85, Actor Lee Majors is 74, Actress Blair Brown is 65, Writer-director Paul Brickman is 64, Actress Joyce DeWitt is 64 and Actor James Russo is 60.
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April 23rd is: Movie Theater Day, International Marconi Day, National Teach Your Children To Save Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, World Book & Copyright Day and World Book Night.
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Quip for the day..........An autobiography is a book that reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but one of my favorites.......
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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Today is Wednesday, April 24, 114th day of the year. There are 251 days left in the year.
In 1800, Congress approved a bill establishing the Library of Congress.
In 1898, Spain declared war on the United States.
In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was launched.
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Today-----Film and drama critic Stanley Kauffmann is 97, Movie director-producer Richard Donner is 83, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 79, Author Sue Grafton is 73, Actor-singer Michael Parks is 73, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 71 and Former Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley is 71.
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April 24th is: Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day and Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary's Day.
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Quip for the day......College is the only vacation a man gets between his mother and his wife.
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Larryj
Today's---------true.......
A judge in a small town was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out into the hall looking to impanel anyone available. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into deliberation, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? No way. They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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Today is Thursday, April 25, the 115th day of the year. There are 250 days left in the year.
In 1507, a world map produced by German cartographer Martin Waldseemueller contained the first recorded use of the term "America," in honor of Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci.
In 1684, a patent was granted for the thimble.
In 1862, during the Civil War, a Union fleet under Flag Officer David G. Farragut captured New Orleans.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require license plates for cars. The fee was $1.
In 1979, the film "Rock and Roll High School," starring the Ramones, premiered.
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Today---------Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 83, Actor Al Pacino is 73, Ballroom dance judge Len Goodman ("Dancing With The Stars") is 69, Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 68, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 68, Actress Talia Shire is 67 and Actor Jeffrey DeMunn is 66.
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April 25th is: DNA Day, Hairstylists Appreciation Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Hug A Plumber Day, Red Hat Society Day, World Penguin Day and Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day.
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Quip for the day........Life is a card game. During the first half you get birthday cards and during the second half.....get well cards.
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Larryj
Today's----------Lazy rules......
1. The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV.
2. If you have to say something more than once, it's not worth the energy.
3. If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
4. I'll tell you later.
5. Don't charge your phone until it says 5% remaining.
6. If it is not on the first search page on Google, it doesn't exist.
7. Don't make your bed when you are just going to get back in it.
8. If you are late, don't go.
9. If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.
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Today is Friday, April 26, the 116th day of the year. There are 249 days left in the year.
In 1607, English colonists went ashore at present-day Cape Henry, Virginia, on an expedition to establish the first permanent English settlement in the Western Hemisphere.
In 1785, American naturalist, hunter and artist John James Audubon was born in present-day Haiti.
In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Port Royal, Virginia, and killed.
In 1952, the destroyer-minesweeper USS Hobson sank in the Central Atlantic after colliding with the aircraft carrier USS Wasp with the loss of 176 crew members.
In 1973, the Chicago Board Options Exchange held its first day of trading.
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Today-------Movie composer Frances Lai ("Love Story") is 81, Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 80, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 75, Songwriter-musician Duane Eddy is 75 and Singer Bobby Rydell is 71.
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April 26th is: Bob Wills Day (25-27), Arbor Day and National Hairball Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day......Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
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Larryj
Today's----------gotcha.......
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."
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Today is Saturday, April 27, the 117th day of the year. There are 248 days left in the year.
In 1773, Parliament passed the Tea Act.
In 1777, the only land battle in Connecticut in the Revolutionary War, the battle of Ridgefield, took place.
In 1813, the Battle of York took place in Upper Canada during the War of 1812 as a U.S. force defeated the British garrison in present-day Toronto before withdrawing.
In 1813, explorer Zebulon Pike, after which Pike's Peak in Colorado is named, died.
In 1822, the 18th president of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant, was born.
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Today-------Actress Anouk Aimee is 81, Announcer Casey Kasem is 81, Actress Judy Carne is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Cuba Gooding is 69, Singer Ann Peebles is 66, Rock singer Kate Pierson (The B-52's) is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics) is 64 and Actor Douglas Sheehan is 64.
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April 27th is: Babe Ruth Day, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Mantanzas Mule Day, Morse Code Day, Eeyore's Birthday Day, National Go Birding Day, National Rebuilding Day, Penguin Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense Of Smell Day, World Healing Day and World Veterinary Day.
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Quip for the day.........seen on Facebook......A Chuck Norris line...........I was pulled over by a policeman once. I let him go with a warning.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
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Today is Sunday, April 28, the 118th day of the year. There are 247 days left in the year.
In 1758, the fifth U.S. president of the United States, James Monroe, was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia.
In 1788, Maryland ratified the U.S. Constitution, the seventh state to do so.
In 1789, rebelling crew members of the British ship HMS Bounty led by Fletcher Christian set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.
In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused induction into the Army.
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Today-----Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 87, Former Secretary of State James A. Baker is 83, Actress Ann-Margret is 72, "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is 63, Actress Mary McDonnell is 60 and Rock musician Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth) is 60.
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April 28th is: Biological Clock Day, National Pet Parent's Day, Mother, Father Deaf Day and Workers Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day........If you cross a pigeon with a woodpecker you get a bird that carries messages and knocks on doors.
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Larryj
Today's-----------funny......
A very elderly man applied for a job as a lumberjack at a local lumber mill. During the interview, he was asked if his age would be a handicap.
The interviewer said, "Are you sure you are up to the hard work involved?"
The old man dropped down and did 100 one-handed pushups without even breaking a sweat.
The interviewer was very impressed. "OK," he said, "you certainly pass the physical part of the test, but do you have any real experience as a lumberjack?" The man said he indeed had many years of experience. The interviewer asked for specifics.
"Well," said the old man, "I'm most proud of my work in clearing the Sahara Forest."
"What?" said the interviewer, "The Sahara is a desert!"
And the old man said, "Sure, NOW it is."
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Today is Monday, April 29, the 119th day of the year. There are 246 days left in the year.
In 1861, the Maryland House of Delegates voted 53-13 against seceding from the Union.
In 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, President Jefferson Davis asked the Confederate Congress for the authority to wage war.
In 1863, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst was born in San Francisco.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.
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Today------Poet Rod McKuen is 80, Actor Keith Baxter is 80, Bluesman Otis Rush is 79, Conductor Zubin Mehta is 77, Pop singer Bob Miranda (The Happenings) is 71, Country singer Duane Allen (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 70, Singer Tommy James is 66, Movie director Phillip Noyce is 63 and Country musician Wayne Secrest (Confederate Railroad) is 63.
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April 29th is: National Dance Day, "Peace" Rose Day, Pinhole Photography Day and Zipper Day.
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Quip for the day......You must speak up to be heard, but sometimes you must shut up to be appreciated.
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Larryj
Today's-----uh oh......
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for complete checkup. Afterwards, the doctor shakes his head and announces, "I'm afraid I have some very bad news."
The man gasps and says, "What is it?"
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh no! How long have I got?"
"Ten."
"Ten! Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?"
The doctor interrupts, "Nine......."
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Today is Tuesday, April 30, the 120th day of the year. There are 245 days left in the year.
In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.
In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.
In 1939, the New York World's Fair opened with a ceremony that included an address by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.
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Today------Actress Cloris Leachman is 87, Singer Willie Nelson is 80, Actor Burt Young is 73, Actor Perry King is 65 and singer Merrill Osmond is 60.
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April 30th is: Bugs Bunny Day, International Jazz Day, National Honesty Day, Spank Out Day--USA, Walpurgis Night and World Healing Day.
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Quip for the day.......Having a luxury car doesn't mean you have money. It means you once had money.
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Larryj
Today's----------Cowboy wisdom......
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
If you're leading the herd, take a look back now and then and make sure it's still there.
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Today is Wednesday, May 1, the 121st day of the year. There are 244 days left in the year.
In 1863, during the Civil War, the Battle of Chancellorsville began.
In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.
In 1931, the Empire State Building in New York City was dedicated.
In 1960, an American U-2 spy plane, piloted by France Gary Powers, was shot down over Russia. Powers was released in 1962.
In 1961, the first U.S. airline hijacking took place as Antulio Ramirez Ortiz forced a National Airlines plane to fly to Cuba.
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Today--------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 86, Singer Judy Collins is 74 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 68.
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May 1st is: Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Bubba Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principal's Day, Silver Star Day and Stepmother's Day.
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Quip for the day........The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything and the young know everything.
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Larryj
Today's---------punny day......
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Sleeping comes naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed.
Don't trust people who do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
If you get on a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't say, "Hi, Jack!"
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Today is Thursday, May 2, the 122nd day of the year. There are 243 days left in the year.
In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was accidentally wounded by his own men at Chancellorsville, Virginia; he died eight days later.
In 1945, the Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin, and the Allies announced the surrender of Nazi troops in Italy and parts of Austria.
In 1957, Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy, R-Wis., died at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland.
In 2011, Osama Bin Laden was killed in Pakistan by American forces, then quickly buried at sea after a decade on the run.
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Today------Actor Theodore Bikel is 89, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 77, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 68, Singer Leslie Gore is 67, Actor David Suchet is 67, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 65 and Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 63.
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May 2nd is: Martin Z. Mollusk Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason and Roberts Rules Of Order Day.
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Quip for the day.......Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
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Larryj
From LarryJ, above
"If you get on a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't say, 'Hi, Jack!'"
Reminds me of a hard of hearing lumber jack in the northwest by the name of Tim Burr.
Today's--------aha.......
Two lawyers, Jon and David, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers David a $50 bet. David agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, David is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball. Look over there,'" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, David secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"
"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"
"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"
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Today is Friday, May 3, the 123rd day of the year. There are 242 days left in the year.
In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.
In 1913, Clorox had its beginnings as five entrepreneurs agreed to set up a liquid bleach factory in Oakland.
In 1973, Chicago's 110-story Sears Tower (now the Willis Tower) was topped out after two years of construction, becoming the world's tallest building for the next 25 years.
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Today-------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 94, Actress Ann B. Davis is 87, Actor Alex Cord is 80, Singer Frankie Valli is 79, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 67, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 63 and Singer Christopher Cross is 62.
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May 3rd is: Garden Meditation Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Special-abled Pets Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, No Pants Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, Tuba Day, World Press Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day.......When I was born, God said I could have a great memory, or be great in bed......Oh, darn, I forgot what I was going to tell you.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
A guy picks up a girl in a bar and they go out to Lover's Lane for a little romance. When they get there the girl says, "I have to be honest with you. I'm a prostitute and I have to charge you $25."
The guy thinks about this for a few minutes, then agrees and they continue on with their romance.
Afterwards, when they are ready to leave, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you, also. I am a cab driver and the fare back to town is $25."
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Today is Saturday, May 4, the 124th day of the year. There are 241 days left in the year.
In 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.
In 1776, Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.
In 1862, after a month-long siege, Union forces prepared to unleash a massive bombardment against Confederate troops at Yorktown, Virginia, only to discover the Confederates had slipped away during the night.
In 1885, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor demonstration for an 8-hour work day turned into a deadly riot.
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Today--------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 83, Jazz musician Ron Carter is 76, Rock musician Dick Dale is 76, Pop singer Peggy Santiglia (The Angels) is 69, Actor Richard Jenkins is 65 and Country singer Stella Parton is 64.
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May 4th is: Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Free Comic Book Day, Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Firefighters Day, International Space Day, International Respect For Chickens Day, Join Hands Day, National Homebrew Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, National Scrapbooking Day, Space Day and World Give Day.
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Quip for the day........It is important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
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Larryj
Today's----gotcha.......
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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Today is Sunday, May 5, the 125th day of the year. There are 240 days left in the year.
In 1862, Mexico defeated French forces in the Battle of Puebla. (Cinco de Mayo marks Mexico's victory.)
In 1891, New York's Carnegie Hall (then named "Music Hall") opened.
In 1904, Boston Red Sox pitcher Cy Young pitched a perfect game against the Detroit Tigers.
In 1925, John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a law banning teaching the theory of evolution. (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was set aside.)
In 1961, Navy Commander Alan B. Shepard became the first American astronaut to travel into space. (The flight lasted 15 minutes and reached an altitude of 116 miles into the atmosphere.)
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Today--------Actress Pat Carroll is 86, Actor Lance Henriksen is 73, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 70, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 69, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 68 and Rock musician Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 65.
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May 5th is: Cinco de Mayo, Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, International Midwives Day, National Infertility Survival Day. Totally Chipotle Day, World Laughter Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day and Motorcycle Mass and Blessing Of The Bikes Day.
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Quip for the day............Alimony is the cash surrender value of a husband.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny........
A woman in a grocery store observes a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and soda pop in the soda pop aisle.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy now."
The boy throws another tantrum and the woman hears Grandpa say, calmly, "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the boy is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandpa says in a soothing voice, "Relax, William. We'll be home in five minutes. Be cool."
Very impressed, the woman approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you didn't lose you temper and didn't withhold you love. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks very much," the grandfather says, "But I'm William. This wretched little monster is Kevin."
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Today is Monday, May 6, the 126th day of the year. There are 239 days left in the year.
In 1863, during the Civil War, the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia ended with a Confederate victory over Union forces.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order creating the Works Progress Administration (WPA.)
In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.
In 1940, writer John Steinbeck won a Pulitzer Prize for "Grapes of Wrath."
In 1942, during World War II, some 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to Japanese forces.
In 1954, in Oxford, England, 25-year-old Roger Bannister became the first person to run a mile in less than 4 minutes. (3 minutes, 59.4 seconds.)
In 2004, the final episode of "Friends" aired on NBC.
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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 82, Rock singer Bob Seger is 68, Actor Alan Dale is 65 and Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is 60.
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May 6th is: Joseph Brackett Day, Melanoma Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day and Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day.
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Quip for the day........I used to compete in sports a lot. Then I discovered you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
Patient: Oh no! I'm in a hospital! Why am I here?
Doctor: You've had a terrible accident involving a bus.
Patient: Oh no!
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: Oh no! That's awful. What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who has made a good offer on your Nikes.
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Today is Tuesday, May 7, the 127th day of the year. There are 238 days left in the year.
In 1789, the first inaugural ball was held in New York in honor of President George Washington and his wife, Martha.
In 1901, Actor Gary Cooper was born in Helena, Montana.
In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sank the British liner RMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.
In 1945, Germany surrendered unconditionally to Allied forces in Reims, France.
In 1954, in Vietnam, Viet Minh forces defeated the French at Dien Bien Phu.
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Today---------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 74, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Thelma Houston is 67 and Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 67.
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May 7th is: Accountants Day, Childhood Depression Awareness Day, National Teacher Day and World Asthma Day.
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Quip for the day........If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
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Larryj
Today's---mother's day is coming......
You know you are a mom when...........
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the "Barney" song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth. However, your children are in school.
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots and applesauce.
You spend a half-hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your child say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones pushed up on your head."
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
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Today is Wednesday, May 8, the 128th day of the year. There are 237 days left in the year.
In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the mouth of the Mississippi River.
In 1884, the 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, was born in Lamar, Missouri.
In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered.
In 1950, flash floods in Nebraska killed 23 people.
In 1973, the AIM (American Indian Movement) occupation of Wounded Knee, South Dakota, came to an end. The occupation lasted 71 days.
In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the 1984 Olympics.
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Today--------Comedian Don Rickles is 87, Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 87, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 68, Rock musician Chris Frantz (Talking Heads) is 62, Rockabilly singer Billy Burnette is 60 and Rock musician Alex Van Halen is 60.
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May 8th is: Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, National Night Shift Workers Day, No Socks Day, Occupational Safety And Health Day, VE Day and World Red Cross Day.
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Quip for the day.......I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
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Larryj
Today's-------some quickies.....groaners
Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?
Dad: No.
Son: Then it's a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!
Sunday School teacher: Tell me, Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma'am, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
Mom: Paula, eat your carrots! They're good for you eyes.
Paula: How do you know?
Mom: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Definition of a sweater: Something you wear when your Mother gets cold.
Q: Why did the monster's grandmother knit him three socks?
A: She heard he had grown another foot!
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Today is Thursday, May 9, the 129th day of the year. There are 236 days left in the year.
In 1712, the Carolina Colony was officially divided into two entities: North Carolina and South Carolina.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the first Mother's Day holiday.
In 1945, U.S. officials announced that a midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately.
In 1958, "Vertigo," Alfred Hitchcock's eerie thriller starring James Stewart and Kim Novak, premiered in San Francisco, the movie's setting.
In 1971, the last original episode of "The Honeymooners" aired.
In 1974, the House of Representatives opened hearings against President Richard M. Nixon, voting to impeach him on July 30.
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Today-----Actor Albert Finney is 77, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 77, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 76, Actress Candice Bergen is 67, Actor Anthony Higgins is 66, Singer Billy Joel is 64 and Actress Amy Hill is 60.
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May 9th is: Ascension Day, National Moscato Day, Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day and School Nurse Day.
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Quip for the day......If Dorothy can click her heels and get to Kansas, why can't I click my flip-flops and get to the beach?
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Larryj
Today's------old, but funny.......
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: 'Yah, diesel fitter.'"
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Today is Friday, May 10, the 130th day of the year. There are 235 days left in the year.
In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, together with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-controlled fortress at Ticonderoga, New York.
In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Lt. Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from being hit by friendly fire eight days earlier during the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia.
In 1865, Union forces captured Confederate President Jefferson Davis in Irwinville, Georgia.
In 1869, the Transcontinental Railroad was completed with a ceremony in Promontory, Utah.
In 1877, President Rutherford B. Hayes had the first telephone installed in the White House.
In 1977, actress Joan Crawford died from a heart attack in New York City.
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Today------Singer Henry Fambrough (The Spinners) is 75, Announcer Gary Owens is 74 and Singer Donovan is 67.
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May 10th is: Fintastic Friday: Give Sharks A Voice, Lupus Day, Military Spouse Appreciation Day and Windmill Day.
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Quip for the day........Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time....I think I have forgotten this before.
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Larryj
Today's----funny.....
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
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Today is Saturday, May 11, the 131st day of the year. There are 234 days left in the year.
In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland.
In 1858, Minnesota became the 32nd state of the Union.
In 1862, during the Civil War, the Confederate Ironclad CSS Virginia was scuttled by its crew off Craney Island, Virginia, to prevent it from falling into Union hands.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Confederate Gen. J.E.B. Stuart was mortally wounded.
In 1934, a huge dust storm swept from the Great Plains across the Eastern states.
In 1947, B.F. Goodrich announced the development of the tubeless tire.
In 1973, the espionage trial of Daniel Ellsburg and Anthony Russo in the "Pentagon Papers" case came to an end as Judge William M. Byrne dismissed all charges, citing government misconduct.
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Today------Comedian Mort Sahl is 86, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan is 80, Actress Shohreh Aghdashico is 61, Actress Frances Fisher is 61 and Actor Boyd Gaines is 60.
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May 11th is: Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, Eat What You Want Day, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carrier's Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, Stay Up All Night, National Train Day and World Belly Dance Day.
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Quip for the day..........Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
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Larryj
Today's-----Happy Mother's Day......
DEFINITIONS FOR MOTHERS.
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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Today is Sunday, May 12, the 132nd day of the year. There are 233 days left in the year.
In 1780, during the Revolutionary War, the besieged city of Charleston, South Carolina, surrendered to British forces.
In 1907, actress Katharine Hepburn was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh, Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, New Jersey.
In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.
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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 88, Critic John Simon is 88, Composer Burt Bacharach is 85, Actress Millie Perkins is 75, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 65, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 63 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 63.
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May 12th is: Hug Your Cat Day, International Nurse's Day, Limerick Day, Mother's Day, Mothers At The Wall Day, National Doodle Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day and World Fair Trade Day.
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Quip for the day..........Two rules of success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
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Larryj
Today's------an "oh, no" joke.....
Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).
The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:
"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"
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Today is Monday, May 13, the 133rd day of the year. There are 232 days left in the year.
In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)
In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.
In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps were issued to the public.
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Today------Actor Harvey Keitel is 74, Author Charles Baxter is 66 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 63.
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May 13th is: Frog Jumping Day.
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Quip for the day.........Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
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Larryj
Today's----old, and true........
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
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Today is Tuesday, May 14, the 134th day of the year. There are 231 days left in the year.
In 1804, the Lewis and Clark Expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present-day Hartford, Illinois.
In 1863, during the Civil War, Union forces defeated the Confederates in the Battle of Jackson, Mississippi.
In 1913, the Rockefeller Foundation was founded in New York.
In 1936, Walden Robert Cassoto, AKA Bobby Darin, was born in the Bronx, New York.
In 1973, the United States launched Skylab 1, its first manned space station.
In 1998, legendary singer Frank Sinatra died in Los Angeles at age 82.
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Today------Producer George Lucas is 69, Actress Meg Foster is 65, Director Robert Zemeckis is 62 and Rock singer David Byrne is 61.
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May 14th is: National Chicken Dance Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.
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Quip for the day....Don't try to make children grow up to be like you. They may do it.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny........
A plumber attended to a leaky faucet at a luxurious mansion of a predominate neurosurgeon. After a two-minute repair job, he scribbled on his pad and handed the doctor a bill for $150.
The doctor exclaimed, "Good Heavens, man. $150 for two minutes of work? You can't be serious.
The plumber said, "Well, that's the rate, bub."
The doctor said, "I'm a neurosurgeon and I don't even make this kind of money."
The plumber said, "Yeah, I know. I didn't either. That's why I switched to plumbing."
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Today is Wednesday, May 15, the 135 day of the year. There are 230 days left in the year.
In 1602, English navigator Bartholomew Gosnold and his ship, the Concord, arrived at present-day Cape Cod, which he's credited for naming.
In 1896, a rare F5 tornado decimated Sherman, Texas, killing 73 people.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Women's Army Auxiliary Corps, whose members came to be known as WACs. And, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 Eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for nonessential vehicles.
In 1963, astronaut Gordon Cooper blasted off aboard Faith 7 on the final mission of the Project Mercury Program.
In 1972, during an outdoor rally in Laurel, Maryland, Alabama's Governor George Wallace was shot by 21-year-old Arthur Bremer. Wallace was permanently paralyzed from the waist down.
In 1977, Pro baseball pitcher, Nolan Ryan, of the California Angels, pitched his first no-hitter.
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Today-------Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 77, Counterculture icon Wavy Gravy is 77, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 76, Singer Trini Lopez is 76, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 73 and Country singer K.T. Oslin is 71.
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May15th is: Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day, International Day Of Families, International MPS Awareness Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, National Women's Check-up Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day, National Employee Health And Fitness Day, Straw Hat Day and Turn Beauty Inside Out Day.
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Quip for the day.....It is a mathematical fact that 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
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Larryj
Today's------another oldie but goodie........
A bear is chasing an atheist in the woods and is about to pounce. The atheist falls on the ground and cries out to God.
Time stands still. The scene is bathed in bright light. The bear freezes in mid-stride. The forest is silent.
A voice comes from above. "You deny my existence for all these years, but now you want my help?"
The atheist whimpers, "You're right. I know I can't ask you to treat me as a Christian, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"It is done!" the voice booms.
The bright light is withdrawn. The sounds of the forest are heard again. The bear drops to his knees, brings his paws together and prays:
"Oh, Lord, I thank thee for thy bounty. Bless this meat I have received of thy goodness!"
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Today is Thursday, May 16, the 136th day of the year. There are 229 days left in the year.
In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the 11 articles of impeachment against him.
In 1913, Jazz musician and bandleader Woody Herman was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
In 1918, Congress passed the Sedition Act, a piece of legislation designed to protect America's participation in World War I.
In 1929, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out its first awards in Los Angeles. The awards were dubbed "Oscars" in 1939.
In 1964, Motown Records recorded its first hit record. It was Mary Wells recording of "My Guy."
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Today-----Actor George Gaynes is 96, Actor Danny Tejo is 69, Jazz drummer Billy Cobham is 69, Children's author Bruce Coville is 63, Musician Jonathan Richman (The Modern) is 62 and Actor Pierce Brosnan is 60.
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May 16th is: Biographer's Day and National Sea Monkey Day.
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Quip for the day.....An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.
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Larryj
Today's-------smart kid.....
One day, the President visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and the First Lady were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
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Today is Friday, May 17, the 137th day of the year. There are 228 days left in the year.
In 1792, The New York Stock Exchange began when some brokers met under a tree on Wall Street in New York.
In 1849, a fire in St. Louis, Missouri, killed three people and destroyed 400 buildings and some two dozen steamships.
In 1954, in Brown v. Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that racial segregation in public education facilities is unconstitutional.
In 1973, a special committee convened by the U.S. Senate began televised hearings into the Watergate scandal.
In 2000, the final episode of "Beverly Hills, 90210" aired after ten seasons.
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Today------Author Gary Paulsen is 74, Actor Peter Gerety is 73, Singer Taj Mahal is 71, Singer-songwriter Jesse Winchester is 69, Rock musician Bill Bruford is 64 and TV personality Kathleen Sullivan is 60.
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May 17th is: Endangered Species Day, International Virtual Assistant Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Pizza Party Day, World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day, World Telecommunications Day and World Neurofibromatosis Day.
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Quip for the day...........I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Larryj
Today's----funny.....
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says in a solemn voice:
"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."
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Today is Saturday, May 18, the 138th day of the year. There are 227 days left in the year.
In 1863, during the Civil War, the Siege of Vicksburg began. It ended on July 4 with a Union victory.
In 1896, in Plessy v. Ferguson, the Supreme Court endorsed "separate but equal" racial segregation, a concept renounced 58 years later in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.
In 1910, Halley's Comet passed by Earth, brushing it with its tail.
In 1917, the U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service Act.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Tennessee Valley Authority.
In 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington erupted killing 57 people.
In 2004, major league pitcher Randy Johnson, of the Arizona Diamondbacks, became the oldest pitcher to pitch a perfect game. The Diamondbacks beat the Atlanta Braves, 2-0.
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Today-----Actor Bill Macy is 91, Hall-of-Fame Sportscaster Jack Whitaker is 89, Actor Robert Morse is 82, Actor Dwayne Hickman is 79, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 76, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 67, Country singer Joe Bonsall (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 65 and Country singer George Strait is 61.
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May 18th is: Armed Forces Day, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day, National Learn To Swim Day, O. Henry Pun-Off Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.
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Quip for the day........If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too surprised.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah.....
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
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Today is Sunday, May 19, the 139th day of the year. There are 226 days left in the year.
In 1780, a mysterious darkness developed much of New England and part of Canada. It was attributed to smoke from forest fires and general cloudy weather conditions.
In 1921, Congress passed, and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants.
In 1994, former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died.
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Today-------Actress Renee Asherson is 98, Author Pauline Clark is 92, PBS newscaster Jim Lehrer is 79, TV personality David Hartman is 78, Actor James Fox is 74, Actress Nancy Kwan is 74, TV host Bob Simon is 72, Actor Peter Mayhew is 69, Rock singer-composer Pete Townsend (The Who) is 68, Concert pianist David Helfgott is 66, Actress-singer Grace Jones is 65, Rock singer-musician Dusty Hill (ZZ Top) is 64 and Football quarterback Archie Manning is 64.
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May 19th is: Boys Club Day, May Ray Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day (19-20), National Asian and Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Neighbor Day, Pentecost and World Autoimmune Arthritis Day (19-21).
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Quip for the day........Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
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Larryj
Today's--------kids........
A bright little six-year girl goes to the hospital to visit her sick Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead and bursts into Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa! Grandpa!," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" Grandpa asks.
"Make a noise like a frog!"
"Why?" Grandpa asks.
"Because Mom says that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
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Today is Monday, May 20, the 140th day of the year. There are 225 days left in the year.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Homestead Act, which was intended to encourage settlements west of the Mississippi River by making federal land available for farming.
In 1873, Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis received a patent for their copper-studded blue jeans.
In 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, New York, aboard the "Spirit of St. Louis" on his historic solo flight to France.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Because of weather and equipment problems, she set down in Northern Ireland instead of her intended destination, France.
In 1956, the United States dropped a hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll.
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Today--------Actor Michael Constantine is 86, Actress Constance Towers is 80, Baseball All-Star pitcher Tommy John is 70, Singer Joe Cocker is 69, Singer-actress Cher is 67, Children's author Mary Pope Osborn is 64 and Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 64.
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May 20th is: Eliza Doolittle Day and Weights And Measures Day.
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Quip for the day...........Half of today's adults can't do math and the other two-thirds don't care.
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Larryj
Today's-----busy day.......
SHARP KIDS.......
Teacher: Denny, why are you late? Denny: Class started before I got here.
Mom: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Clyde: No, sir, but it's the same dog.
Teacher: Annie, how do spell "crocodile"? Annie: K.R.O.K.O.D.I.L.E? Teacher: No, that's wrong. Annie: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Dad: George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
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Today is (was) Tuesday, May 21, the 141st day of the year. There are 224 days left in the year.
In 1863, the Seventh Day Adventist Church was officially organized.
In 1881, the American Red Cross was founded in Washington, D.C., by humanitarians Clara Barton and Adolphus Solomons.
In 1901, the state of Connecticut became the first to enact a speed limit law.
In 1927, Charles A. Lindbergh landed his Spirit of St. Louis near Paris.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean as she landed in Northern Ireland, about 15 hours after leaving Newfoundland.
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Today--------Actress Alice Drummond is 85, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 72, Romance novelist Janet Dailey is 69, Actor Richard Hatch is 68, Pop singer Leo Sayer is 65, Writer and actor Leon Schuster is 62 and Actor Mr. T is 61.
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May 21st is: American Red Cross Founder's Day, End Of The World or Rapture Party Day, I Need A Patch For That Day, National Endangered Species Day, National Wait Staff Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day, Victoria Day and World Day For Cultural Diversity For Dialogue And Development.
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Quip for the day........The following sentence is false. The previous sentence is true.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.......
A young couple had just moved in across the street, and Mrs. Thorpe was spying on them through the blinds.
"What in the world are you doing?" Mr. Thorpe asked as he walked into the kitchen and saw his wife peeking through the venetian blinds.
"Oh, darling," Mrs. Thorpe exclaimed, "You won't believe our new neighbors. They kiss and kiss at the doorway when he leaves in the morning, and then he blows her more kisses from the driveway as he gets into his car."
"How sweet," Mr. Thorpe says.
"So why don't you do that?" Mrs. Thorpe asks.
"Are you kidding?" Mr. Thorpe says. "I haven't even been introduced to her yet."
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Today is Wednesday, May 22, the 142nd day of the year. There are 223 days left in the year.
In 1802, the first First Lady of the United States, Martha Washington, died at Mt. Vernon at age 70.
In 1843, the "Great Emigration", made up of 1,000 settlers and 1,000 head of cattle, left Independence, Missouri, for Oregon.
In 1913, the American Cancer Society was founded in New York by a group of doctors and business leaders under its original name, the American Society for the Control of Cancer.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date.
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Today--------Singer Charles Aznavour is 89, Actor Michael Constantine is 86 (earlier entry was wrong), Conductor Peter Nero is 70, Actor Guy Marchand is 76, Actor Richard Benjamin is 75, Actor Frank Converse is 75, Actress Barbara Parkins is 71, Retired MLB All-Star pitcher Tommy John is 70 (earlier entry was wrong), Actress Victoria Wyndham is 68 and Songwriter Bernie Taupin is 63.
(I started getting these from two different sources and it turns out one of them is not accurate. Sorry about that.)
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May 22nd is: Canadian Immigration Day, International Day For Biological Diversity, National Maritime Day and World Goth Day.
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Quip for the day........Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
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Larryj
Today-----------hah......
A guy at the club is bragging about his three sons.
"I'm so proud of my oldest son," the guy says. "He makes $100,000 a year." "Yeah?" says one of the other guys. "What does he do?"
"He's an engineer. He does pretty well. Of course, my second son, he makes twice as much." "Twice as much! What does he do?" someone asks.
"He's a doctor. He's a big shot. Of course, my youngest son, he does the best of all. He's pulling in about $10 million a year." "Holy cow! $10 million? What on earth does he do?" someone says.
"He's a sports mechanic."
"A sports mechanic? What does a sports mechanic do?"
"Oh, he fixes everything. He fixes the horse races. He fixes the boxing matches. He fixes the ballgames......."
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Today is Thursday, May 23, the 143th day of the year. There are 222 days left in the year.
In 1788, South Carolina became the eighth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush in Bienville Parish, Louisiana.
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Today-------Actor Nigel Davenport is 85, Actress Barbara Barrie is 82, Actress Joan Collins is 80, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 77 and Actress Lauren Chapin is 68.
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May 23rd is: National Taffy Day, World Crohn's and Colitis Day and World Turtle Day.
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Quip for the day...............Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
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Larryj
Today's------------funny......
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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Today is Friday, May 24, the 144th day of the year. There are 221 days left in the year.
In 1775, John Hancock was elected president of the Continental Congress, succeeding Peyton Randolph.
In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.
In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge, linking Brooklyn and Manhattan, was dedicated by President Chester Alan Arthur and New York Gov. Grover Cleveland.
In 1935, the first major league night baseball game was at Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.
In 1975, Composer and orchestra leader Duke Ellington died at age 75.
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Today-------Comedian Tommy Chong is 75, Singer Bob Dylan is 72, Actor Gary Burghoff is 70, Singer Patti LaBelle is 69, Actress Priscilla Presley is 68, Country singer Mike Reid is 66 and Actor Alfred Molina is 60.
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May 24th is: Brother's Day, Don't Fry Day, Heat Awareness Day, International Tiara Day, Morse Code Day and National Wig Out Day.
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Quip for the day......It's not an optical illusion. It just looks that way.
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Larryj
Today's-----wait a minute........
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
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Today is Saturday, May 25, the 145th day of the year. There are 220 days left in the year.
In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus.
In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career for the Boston Braves in a game against the Pittsburg Pirates. (Babe went 4 for 4 in this game with 3 home runs.)
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy told Congress: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth."
In 1977, the movie "Star Wars" first opened.
In 1979, 273 people died when an American Airlines DC-10 crashed just after takeoff from Chicago's O'Hare Airport.
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Today--------Author W.P. Kinsella is 78, Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 77, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 74, Country singer Jessi Colter is 70, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 70, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 69, Actress Karen Valentine is 66 and Actress Jacki Weaver is 66.
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May 25th is: Cookie Monster's Birthday, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day, Towel Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.........My friend had the 24-hour bug for the three days; go figure!
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Larryj
Today's-----from the archives.......
An old sailor was walking down the dock when he met an old friend he hadn't seen in many years. They spent a long time catching up with each other's exploits over the years. Then the friend said, "I can't help but noticing, but you have a peg leg. What happened?"
The first sailor said, "Well, I was working on the deck when a storm hit and I got tangled in some equipment and my leg was so mangled they had to amputate at the knee."
The friend said, "How terrible! I also noticed you have a hook for a left hand. What happened?"
The sailor said, "Well, a shipmate fell overboard and I was reaching down to pull him up and a shark bit my hand off."
The friend said, "You certainly had some bad luck. Has anything else happened to you?"
The sailor said, "Well, I have a glass eye also. I was looking up at some gulls and one unloaded right into my eye."
The friend said, "Gull droppings caused you to lose your eye?"
The sailor said, "Well, that was the first day I had me hook."
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Today is Sunday, May 26, the 146th day of the year. There are 219 days left in the year.
In 1864, the Montana Territory was created.
In 1868, the impeachment trial of President Andrew Johnson ended with his acquittal on the remaining charges.
In 1907, actor John Wayne (Marion Michael Morrison) was born in Winterset, Iowa.
In 1913, Actor's Equity Association was organized by a group of actors at the Pabst Grand Circle Hotel in New York; the union's first president was Francis Wilson.
In 1927, Henry Ford and his son, Edsel, drove the 15 millionth Model T Ford out of their factory, marking the last day of production. The Model T was introduced in October 1908.
In 1969, the Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing.
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Today--------Sportscaster Brent Musburger is 74, Singer Stevie Nicks is 65, Actress Pam Grier is 64, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 64 and Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 64.
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May 26th is: Trinity Day and Indianapolis 500.
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Quip for the day.........If a burglar ever breaks into my house looking for money, I'll laugh and help him look.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
After a particularly brutal inspection, the GIs were visibly shaken. The hard nosed sergeant barked, "Dismissed!" But one soldier lingered behind, quaking in his boots.
The sergeant approached him and said, "Don't worry, son. After I'm gone, you can come dance on my grave."
"Oh, no," the GI said, stammering. "I would never do that."
The crusty sergeant frowned and said, "Why not?"
The soldier replied, "I promised myself that once I got out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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Today is Monday, May 27, the 147th day of the year. There are 218 days left in the year.
In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus. (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)
In 1896, a tornado killed 255 people when the funnel cloud struck St. Louis, Missouri, and East St. Louis, Illinois.
In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh married Anne Morrow in Englewood, New Jersey.
In 1933, the Chicago World's Fair, celebrating "A Century of Progress," officially opened.
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Today-------Pulitzer Prize winning novelist Herman Wouk is 98, Actor Christopher Lee is 91, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 90, Actress Lee Meriwether is 78, Jazz musician Ramsey Lewis is 78, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 77, Country singer Don Williams is 74 and Actress Cilla Black is 70.
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May 27th is: Cellophane Tape Day, Prayers For Peace Memorial Day and Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day........If you decide not to make a decision.....you still have made a choice.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
A very devout woodsman carried his Bible with him everywhere. One day while working in the forest he lost his bible. He looked everywhere, but couldn't find it. He was very distraught. Days went by, then weeks, then months and he couldn't find his Bible.
Then one day, a bear walked out of the forest and approached him with the Bible in his mouth. "It's a miracle!" he proclaimed as he gingerly reached for the Bible. "Truly, a miracle!"
The bear replied, "No, not really. It had your name in it."
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Today is Tuesday, May 28, the 148th day of the year. There are 217 days left in the year.
In 1892, the Sierra Club was organized in San Francisco.
In 1929, the first all-color talking picture, "On With The Show," opened in New York.
In 1957, the National League owners voted unanimously to allow the New York Giants and the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to the West Coast. (There was a condition, however, that if one of the teams decided not to move, the other one couldn't move either. The Dodgers wanted to move because Los Angeles promised to build them a new stadium and Brooklyn wouldn't.)
In 1977, 165 people were killed when fire raced through the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, Kentucky.
In 1998, comic actor Phil Hartman of "Saturday Night Live" and "News Radio" fame was shot to death at his home in Encino, California, by his wife, Brynn, who then killed herself.
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Today---------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 84, Actress Carroll Baker is 82, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 82, Actor John Karlen is 80, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 75, Actress Beth Howland is 72, Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 69, Singer Gladys Knight is 69, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 69 and Singer John Fogerty is 68.
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May 28th is: Sierra Club Day and Slugs Return From Capistrano Day.
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Quip for the day.........GENDER RECOGNITION: Car tires are male because they go bald and are often over inflated.
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Larryj
Today's------old still funny.....
A cop pulls over a car. The driver rolls down his window and waits. When the cop walks up, the driver says, "Hello, officer."
The cop crouches and sees a gorilla sitting in the passenger seat. The gorilla smiles and waves. Both of them are wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the driver, "Sir, you cannot drive around with a monkey up front. Why, he's not even wearing a seat belt. You need to take him to the zoo right now."
"Good idea," the driver says.
The next week, the cop sees the same car. And sure enough, the same guy and the gorilla are in it. This time they're wearing sunglasses and Mickey Mouse ears. He pulls them over.
"I thought you were taking that monkey to the zoo," he says.
"I did," the driver says. "And we had a fantastic time. Today, we're going to Disneyland!"
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Today is Wednesday, May 29, the 149th day of the year. There are 216 days left in the year.
In 1765, Patrick Henry denounced the Stamp Act before Virginia's House of Burgesses.
In 1790, Rhode Island became the 13th original colony to ratify the United States Constitution.
In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.
In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.
In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.
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Today-----Actor Clifton James is 92, Author Paul Ehrlich is 81, Race car driver Al Unser is 74, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harum) is 68, Actor Anthony Geary is 66 and Film composer Danny Elfman is 60.
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May 29th is: International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers, Learn About Composting Day, National Senior Health and Fitness Day, Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day, World Multiple Sclerosis Day and Loomis Day.
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Quip for the day............I tried to catch some fog..............I mist.
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Larryj
Today's-----from the insult file.......
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice, too.
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
Look, don't go to a mind reader. Go to a palm reader. I know you have a palm.
Do you always talk crazy, or is today a special occasion?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Still eating lead paint chips? I thought you were trying to quit.
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Today is Thursday, May 30, the 150th day of the year. There are 215 days left in the year.
In 1868, the first Memorial Day, or Decoration Day, was held. (In 1971, Congress declared Memorial Day a national holiday to be observed on the last Monday in May.)
In 1883, 12 people were trampled to death in a stampede sparked by a rumor that the recently opened Brooklyn Bridge was in danger of collapsing.
In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun, who drove a Marmon Wasp for more than 6 hours at an average speed of 74.6 mph and collected a prize of $10,000.
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Today-----------Actor Clint Walker is 86, Actor Keir Dullea is 77, Actress Ruta Lee is 77, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 74, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Gale Sayers is 70, Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 62 and Actor Colm Meaney is 60.
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May 30th is: (an error on my part.....) Loomis Day is today instead of yesterday and the Traditional Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day............Never buy a car you can't push.
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Larryj
Today's--------way too busy day.........
There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.
He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell." The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."
Then the worker replied, "What wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.
Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."
Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."
God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."
Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
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Today is Friday, May 31, the 151st day of the year. There are 214 days left in the year.
In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.
In 1889, more than 2,000 people perished when a dam break sent water rushing through Johnstown, Pennsylvania.
In 1913, U.S. Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan proclaimed the 17th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, providing for popular election of U.S. Senators, to be in effect.
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Today-------Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 83, Singer Peter Yarrow is 75, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 73, Actress Sharon Gless is 70. Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 70 and Actor Tom Berenger is 63.
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May 31st is: Heat Awareness Safety Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No Tobacco Day.
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Quip for the day......I had bad study habits until my senior year when I figured out I was highlighting with a black marker.
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Larryj
Today's-----just for Jarhead.....
Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied and fell to the concrete below.
Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the Marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
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Today is Saturday, June 1, the 152nd day of the year. There are 213 days left in the year.
In 1779, the court-martial of Benedict Arnold convened in Philadelphia. Arnold was charged with 13 counts of misbehavior.
In 1792, Kentucky became the 15th state to join the Union.
In 1796, Tennessee became the 16th state to join the Union.
In 1813, the mortally wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, Capt. James Lawrence, gave the order, "Don't give up the ship" during a losing battle with the British frigate HMS Shannon in the War of 1812.
In 1862, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee assumed command of the Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War.
In 1968, Helen Keller died in Westport, Connecticut, at age 87.
In 1980, CNN (Cable News Network), the world's first 24-hour television news network, made its debut.
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Today---------Singer Pat Boone is 79, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 79, Actor Morgan Freeman is 76, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 73, Actor Brian Cox is 67, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 66, Rock Guitarist Ron Wood is 66, Actor Powers Boothe is 65, Country singer Ronnie Dunn is 60 and Actress Diana Canova is 60.
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June 1st is: Do-Dah Parade Day, Drawing Day or Pencil Day, Heimlich Maneuver Day, Horseradish Days (1-2), National Go Barefoot Day, National Trails Day, Say Something Nice Day, Stand For Children Day, Turtle Races Day and Xterra Off-Road Triathalon.
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Quip for the day.........Life is too short...........smile while you still have teeth.
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Larryj
Today's-------speaking of teeth....
The Larimers made a trip to the dentist office and Mr. Larimer made it known he was in a hurry.
"No needles, gas or anything," he told the dentist. "Just get the tooth out."
The dentist said, "Wow, I wish all my patients were as stoic and brave as you. Now, which tooth is it?"
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
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Today is Sunday, June 2, the 153rd day of the year. There are 212 days left in the year.
In 1865, the Civil War ended when General Edmund Kirby Smith surrendered the last remaining Confederate army to the Union.
In 1886, President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Frances Folsom, 21, in the Blue Room of the White House. (To date, Cleveland is the only president to marry in the executive mansion.)
In 1924, Congress passed a bill, signed by President Calvin Coolidge. guaranteeing full American citizenship for all Native Americans born within U.S. territorial limits.
In 1935, Babe Ruth retired from professional baseball. (His major league career ended after 22 seasons, 10 world series and 714 home runs.)
In 1941. Baseball's "Iron Horse," Lou Gehrig, 37, died in New York from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
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Today----------Author Norton Juster is 84, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 76, Actor Ron Ely is 75, Actor Stacy Keach is 72, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 72, Singer William Guest (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 72, Actor Jerry Mathers is 65 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 63.
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June 2nd is: Children's Awareness Memorial Day, National Bubba Day, National Cancer Survivors Day and Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day.
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Quip for the day............If all is not lost............well, where the heck is everything?
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Larryj
Today's------------good one.......
A circus clown was called as a witness in a slander trial.
The opposing counsel questioned him harshly, at one point asking, in a condescending way, "Do I understand correctly that you are a circus clown?"
The clown responded, "Yes, I am."
Lawyer: "That's a rather low calling, isn't it?"
Clown: "I suppose some people might think so, but it's far above my late father's, that I'm rather proud of."
Lawyer: "Is that right? May I inquire, then, as to what your father did for a living?"
Clown: "He was a lawyer."
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Today is Monday, June 3, the 154th day of the year. There are 211 days left in the year.
In 1888, the poem "Casey at the Bat," by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, was first published in the San Francisco Daily Examiner.
In 1943, Los Angeles saw the beginning of its Zoot Suit Riots as white servicemen clashed with young Latinos wearing distinctive-looking zoot suits; the violence finally ended when military officials declared the city off-limits to enlisted personnel.
In 1965, astronaut Maj. Edward H. White opened the hatch of Gemini 4 and stepped out becoming the first American to walk in space.
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Today-------Movie director Alain Resnais is 91, TV producer Chuck Barris is 84, Rock singer Ian Hunter (Mott the Hoople) is 74, Former NFL player Emmitt Thomas is 70, Pro Golfer Hale Irwin is 68, Rock musician Richard Moore is 64, Singer Suzi Quatro is 63 and Singer Deneice Williams is 62.
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June 3rd is: Chimborazo Day and National Leave The Office Early Day.
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Quip for the day.......My mind works like lightning. It comes in flashes.
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Larryj
Today's-------thoughts for the day........
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have gotten to be really close friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice? The Roman numerals for forty (40) is XL.
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together they spell "Theirs."
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Today is Tuesday, June 4, the 155th day of the year. There are 210 days left in the year.
In 1812, the Louisiana Territory was renamed the Missouri Territory.
In 1812, the U.S. House of Representatives approved a declaration of war against Britain.
In 1892, the Sierra Club was incorporated in San Francisco.
In 1919, Congress passed the 19th Amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote. It was sent to the states for ratification.
In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway began, resulting in a decisive American victory against Japan and marking the turning point of the war in the Pacific.
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Today---------Therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 85, Actor Bruce Dern is 77, Christian author Joyce Meyer is 70 and Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 69.
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June 4th is: Audacity To Hope Day and International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression.
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Quip for the day.....Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor.
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Larryj
Today's--------punny.........
A hawk, a lion and a skunk were debating which one was the greatest hunter. The hawk said, "I am the best because I can fly and have strong talons to grab my prey."
The lion says, " I am the best because I am the king of the jungle and very powerful. No animal has a chance against me."
The skunk says, "I am the best because no animal can withstand my spray which makes them easier to catch."
Just then, a massive alligator comes along and eats all three of them........hawk, lion and stinker.
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Today is Wednesday, June 5, the 156th day of the year. There are 209 days in the year.
In 1794, Congress passed the Neutrality Act prohibiting Americans from taking part in any military action against a country that was at peace with the United States.
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.
In 1947, Secretary of State George C. Marshall gave a speech at Harvard University in which he outlined an aid program for Europe that came to be known as the Marshall Plan.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles after claiming victory in California's presidential primary. Gunman Sirhan Sirhan was immediately arrested.
In 2004, the 40th President of the United States, Ronald Reagan, died in Simi Valley, California, at age 93.
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Today-----Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 88, Former NFL player Art Donovan is 88, Broadcast journalist Bill Moyers is 79, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 68, Author Ken Follett is 64, Financial guru Suze Orman is 62, Rock musician Nicko McBrain (Iron Maiden) is 61 and Film producer Kathleen Kennedy is 60.
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June 5th is: Apple II Day, Hot Air Balloon Day, National Moonshine Day, National Running Day, National Tailors Day and World Environment Day.
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Quip for the day..........It was all so different before everything changed.
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Larryj
Today's------funny......
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
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Today is Thursday, June 6, the 157th day of the year. There are 208 days left in the year.
In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association was founded in London.
In 1912, the greatest volcanic eruption of the 20th century took place as Novarupta in Alaska began a series of explosive episodes over a 60-hour period.
In 1932, the Senate approved, and President Herbert Hoover signed, a Revenue Act containing the first federal gasoline tax, which was 1 cent per gallon.
In 1933, eager motorists parked their cars on the grounds of Park-In Theaters, the first ever drive-in movie theater in Camden, N.J.
In 1944, allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France, on "D-Day," beginning the liberation of German-occupied western Europe during World War II.
In 1966, James Meredith, the first African-American to attend the University of Mississippi, was shot by a sniper.
In 1977, the Ed Sullivan Show aired for the very last time.
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Today------Astronaut David Scott is 81, Actress Billie Whitelaw is 81, Civil rights activist Roy Innes is 79, Rock singer Gary U.S. Bonds is 74, Actor Robert Englund is 66, Folk singer Holly Near is 64 and Broadway actor Harvey Feirstein is 61.
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June 6th is: Drive-in Movie Day and D-Day.
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Quip for the day..........Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
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Larryj
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Thanks for reminding everyone of D-day.
About D-Day......I'm sure many of you know who the Los Angeles Dodgers announcer and Hall-of-Famer, Vin Scully, is, or not. Anyway, he has been the Dodger announcer for almost 60 years. Dodger baseball isn't Dodger baseball without the voice of Vin Scully similar to the late Harry Carey of Chicago.
Last night, I was watching the game and listening to Vinny. He can be pretty passionate when he wants to be. In between pitches during one inning, he reminded us of what D-Day was.......how many Americans died on the beaches that day........how many died on other beaches and so on. He made an passionate plea to his listeners, I mean very passionate, to teach the "youngsters" that might not know about D-Day.......teach them about what happened and why......teach them the importance of the invasion. It was kind of a "Lest we not forget" speech.
Vin can get really into it sometimes. Gotta love this guy.
Larryj
Today's-------hah.........
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Father O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," Mary replied. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
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Today is Friday, June 7, the 158th day of the year. There are 207 days left in the year.
In 1769, Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.
In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia proposed to the Continental Congress a resolution: "That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown."
In 1913, Hudson Stuck, an Alaskan missionary, led the first successful ascent of Mt. McKinley, the highest point on the American continent at 20,320 feet.
In 1937, actress Jean Harlow died in Hollywood of acute renal failure at age 26.
In 1942, the Battle of Midway ended, a victory for American forces over the Imperial Japanese.
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Today---------Movie director James Ivory is 85, Actress Virginia McKenna is 82, Singer Tom Jones is 73, Actor Ken Osmond ("Leave it to Beaver") is 70, Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 67, Singer-songwriter Willie Nile is 65, Actress Anne Twomey is 62, Actor Liam Neeson is 61 and Actress Colleen Camp is 60.
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June 7th is: Doughnut Day or Donut Day (7-8), Daniel Boone Day, Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (7-9), VCR Day and Banana Split Days (7-8).
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Quip for the day-------Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
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Larryj
Today's-----an old favorite......
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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Today is Saturday, the 159th day of the year. There are 206 days left in the year.
In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee.
In 1861, voters in Tennessee approved an Ordinance of Secession passed the previous month by the state legislature.
In 1942, Bing Crosby recorded "Adeste Fideles" and "Silent Night" in Los Angeles for Decca Records.
In 1953, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously that restaurants in the District of Columbia could not refuse to serve blacks.
In 1953, eight tornadoes struck Michigan's Lower Peninsula, killing 126 people.
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Today---------Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 88, Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 86, Comedian Joan Rivers is 80, Actor-singer James Darren is 77, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 73, Musician Boz Scaggs is 69, Actress Sonia Braga is 63, Actress Kathy Baker is 63, Rock singer Bonnie Tyler is 62 and Rock musician Jeff Rich (Status Quo) is 60.
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June 8th is: Belmont Stakes, International Young Eagles Day, National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Upsy Daisy Day, Worldwide Knit In Public Day and World Oceans Day.
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Quip for the day.........In Los Angeles, finding a really good parking spot can totally move you to tears.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.......
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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Today is Sunday, June 9, the 160th day of the year. There are 205 days left in the year.
In 1863, a two-day meeting began in New York City to found the United States Veterinary Medical Association (now the American Veterinary Association.)
In 1943, the federal government began withholding income tax from paychecks.
In 1953, 94 people died when a tornado hit Worcester, Massachusetts.
In 1972, a flash flood in Rapid City, South Dakota, killed more than 200 people.
In 1973, Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner in 25 years.
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Today-------Actress Mona Freeman is 87, Comedian Jackie Mason is 85, Actor Joe Santos is 82, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 74, Author Charles Webb is 74, Rock musician Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 66 and Former MLB player Dave Parker is 62.
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June 9th is: Abused Women and Children's Awareness Day, Children's Sunday, Donald Duck Day, Multicultural American Child Day, Ride The Wind Day, Race Unity Day and World APS Day.
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Quip for the day..........Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep.
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Larryj
Today's-------things idiots do......
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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Today is Monday, June 10, the 161st day of the year. There are 204 days left in the year.
In 1692, the first official execution resulting from the Salem witch trials in Massachusetts took place as Bridget Bishop was hanged.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite during a thunderstorm and collected a charge into a Leyden jar when lightning struck the kite.
In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith and William Griffith Wilson.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy signed into law the Equal Pay Act of 1963, aimed at eliminating wage disparities based on gender. The same day, Kennedy delivered a commencement address at American University in Washington, D.C., in which he declared, "If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for diversity."
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Today------Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 80, Actor Mickey Jones is 72, Actress Randee Heller is 66, Former MLB player Ken Singleton is 66, Former Pro Football player Dan Fouts is 62 and Former Sen. John Edwards, D-N.C., is 60.
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June 10th is: Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day and Iced Tea Day.
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Quip for the day............A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
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Larryj
Today's----------old and funny.....
The little boy greeted his grandmother with shouts of joy. "Grandma's here! Grandma's here!" he cried. He ran several circles around her, then jumped up and gave her a big hug. "Hooray! Hooray!" he cried and gave her a big kiss.
"My goodness," his grandmother said, "I'm glad you're excited to see me."
"Oh, yes! I've been waiting and waiting. Now Daddy will do the trick he promised."
"You precious thing! What trick did your Daddy promise to do?"
"Wait until you see! I heard him say that the next time you came to visit he was going to climb the walls!"
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Today is Tuesday, June 11, the 162nd day of the year. There are 203 days left in the year.
In 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee to draft a Declaration of Independence calling for freedom from Britain.
In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner.
In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay staged an escape, leaving the island on a makeshift raft; they were never found or heard from again.
In 1979, actor John Wayne died at age 72.
In 1982, the movie "E.T." was first released.
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Today---------Actor Gene Wilder is 80, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 74, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 68, Rock musician Frank Beard (ZZ Top) is 64, Singer-guitarist Donnie Vansant (38 Special) is 61, Actor Peter Bergman is 60 and Former model Barbara Minty is 60.
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June 11th is: Corn Cob Day.
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Quip for the day...........Whatever is eating at you...........must be suffering horribly.
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Larryj
Today's-----------busy day.....
Here is how one enterprising parishioner put a stop to small-town church gossip. He single-handedly taught Mildred, the church rumor-monger, a lesson she won't soon forget.
Mildred made it her job to mind everyone else's business and she didn't mind tattling and telling tales. She didn't concern herself too much with the facts.
One day she started a whisper campaign about Bob. She has spotted his car parked in front of the town's only bar. She informed everyone who would listen that Bob undoubtedly was an alcoholic. Why else would he park his car in front of the bar? She even confronted Bob himself.
Bob, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, he quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house. He walked over to the next block and caught a bus home. His truck stayed at Mildred's house overnight.
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Today is Wednesday, June 12, the 163rd day of the year. There are 202 days left in the year.
In 1776, Virginia's colonial legislature became the first to adopt a Bill of Rights.
In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.
In 1956, the flag of the United States Army was adopted under an executive order signed by President Eisenhower.
In 1967, the Supreme Court, in Loving v. Virginia, struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.
In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, in a visit to the divided German city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."
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Today--------Banker/philanthropist David Rockefeller is 98, Former President George H.W. Bush is 89, Singer Vic Damone is 85, Actor -singer Jim Nabors is 83, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 72, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 72, Rock musician Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick) is 62, Country-singer-musician Junior Brown is 61, Singer-songwriter Rocky Burnette is 60 and Actor David Thornton is 60.
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June 12th is: Crowded Nest Awareness Day, Loving Day, National Jerky Day and National Peanut Butter Cookie Day.
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Quip for the day........I heard he was a real lady-killer. Women took one look at him and died of fright.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah......gotcha......
Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world.
Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever.
When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole!
Osama replied, "We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves!"
Uncle Sam said, "That's nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
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Today is Thursday, June 13, the 164th day of the year. There are 201 days left in the year.
In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.
In 1966, the Supreme Court ruled (Miranda v. Arizona) criminal suspects had to be told of their constitutional right to consult with an attorney and to remain silent.
In 1971, the New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of U.S. actions in Vietnam from 1945 to 1967 that had been leaked by military analyst Daniel Ellsberg.
In 1983, the U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system.
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Today--------Magician Siegfried (Siegfried and Roy) is 74, Singer Bobby Freeman is 73, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 70, Singer Dennis Lacorriere (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show) is 64, Actor Richard Thomas is 62 and Comedian Tim Allen is 60.
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June 13th is: Career Nurse Assistants Day and Queen's Official Birthday.
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Quip for the day.......There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of hugs and kisses.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.......
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks,
"Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is messing with your chickens."
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Today is Friday, June 14, the 165th day of the year. There are 200 days left in the year.
In 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the flag.
In 1801, former American Revolutionary War General and notorious turncoat Benedict Arnold died in London.
In 1811, Harriet Beecher Stowe was born in Litchfield, Connecticut.
In 1909, folksinger Burl Ives was born in Hunt City, Illinois.
In 1922, President Warren G. Harding became the first president to have his voice transmitted by radio.
In 1954, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1972, the Environmental Protection Agency ordered a ban on continued use of the pesticide DDT, to take effort at year's end
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Today-------Former MLB pitcher Don Newcombe is 87, Actress Marla Gibbs is 82, Real estate mogul Donald Trump is 67, Author Harry Turtledove is 64 and Actor Eddie Mekka is 61.
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June 14th is: Army's Birthday, Family History Day, Flag Day, National Bourbon Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day and Work at Home Father's Day.
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Quip for the day..........There are two sides to every question. My side and the wrong side.
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Larryj
Today's-----------good one......
A modern day cowboy is lost in the desert. He is crawling along with no water. His horse has already died of thirst. He is certain that this is the end.
He sees an object up ahead. He crawls to the object and pulls it out of the sand. It is a briefcase. He opens the briefcase and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. It is an IRS genie complete with a calculator in her pocket and a pencil behind her ear.
She looks at him and says, "Ok, cowboy, you know how this works. You get three wishes."
The cowboy says, "No way. I wouldn't trust an IRS genie."
She says, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you are a goner, anyway."
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right. He says, "Ok, my first wish to be in a beautiful oasis with lots of drink and food."
POOF!
He is transported to an oasis and there is all kinds of food and drink. The genie says, "What is your second wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to be very, very rich."
POOF!
He is surrounded by chests of beautiful gems and coins. The genie says, "Ok, cowboy. This is your final wish. Better make it a good one."
He thinks for a minute and says, "I want to be wanted and needed by every woman in the world."
POOF!
He is turned into a tampon.
Moral: Be careful of what the IRS offers. There is probably a string attached.
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Today is June 15, the 166th day of the year. There are 199 days left in the year.
In 1215, England's King John put his seal to Magna Carta ("The Great Charter") at Runnymeade.
In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voter unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.
In 1776, the Assembly of Lower Counties of Pennsylvania declared itself independent of British and Pennsylvania authority, thereby creating the state of Delaware.
In 1846, representatives of Great Britain and the United States signed the Oregon Treaty which settled a long standing dispute over who controlled the Oregon Territory.
In 1849, James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee.
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Today-----------Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is 81, Former MLB player Billy Williams is 75, Author Brian Jacques is 74, Actress Judy Pace is 71, Singer-songwriter Noddy Holder (Slade) is 67 and Former MLB player Dusty Baker is 64.
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June 15th is: Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, The Wicket World of Croquet Day, World Elder Abuse Awareness Day, World Juggling Day and Worldwide Day of Giving.
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Quip for the day.........from Michael Landon........If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
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Larryj
Today's---------aha...........
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Today is Sunday, June 16, the 167th day of the year. There are 198 days left in the year.
In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
In 1884, the first roller coaster in America opened at Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York. (The ride traveled six miles an hour and cost a nickel.)
In 1903, the Ford Motor Company was incorporated.
In 1933, the National Industrial Recovery Act became law with President Roosevelt's signature. (The Act was later struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.)
In 1959, Actor George Reeves, TV's "Superman," was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in the bedroom of his Beverly Hills home: He was 45.
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Today-----Actress-singer Annie Cordy is 85, Actress Eilene Atkins is 79, Actor James Bolam is 78, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 75, Country singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 74, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 72, Soul musician Eddie Lavert is 71, Actress Joan Van Ark is 70, Actor Geoff Pierson is 64, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Roberto Duran is 62 and Playwright Willy Holtzman is 61.
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June 16th is: Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Husband Caregiver Day and Ladies Day (Baseball.)
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Quip for the day.........I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
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Larryj
I remember that joke, except when my father told it many years ago it was wheelbarrows. ;D Always funny!
Today's-------redneck joke day......
A redneck walks into a hardware store and says he needs to cut down some trees.
The salesman recommends the top of the line chainsaw. "You can cut down six trees in an hour with this beauty," the salesman says.
Impressed, the redneck buys it and takes it home.
He returns the next day, complaining that it would only cut down one tree and it all day.
The bewildered salesman takes the chainsaw and fires it up, to see what's wrong with it.
The redneck says, "What's that noise?"
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Today is Monday, June 17, 168th day of the year. There are 197 days left in the year.
In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British, who suffered heavy losses.
In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.
In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a trans-Atlantic flight with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman to make the trip as a passenger.
In 1972, the five Watergate burglars were arrested.
In 2008, Cyd Charisse, longtime dance partner of Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire, died in Los Angeles of a heart attack at age 86.
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Today-------Singer Barry Manilow is 70, Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is 70, Talk show host Art Bell is 68, Former MLB shortstop Dave Concepcion is 65, Magician Mike Caveney is 63 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 62.
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June 17th is: Stewart's Root Beer Day, World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought and Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles.)
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Quip for the day.......Some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny........
Two Jewish men were sitting in a café in Mexico. One asked the other, "Are there Mexican Jews?"
The other man says, "Well, I would think so. There are Jews all over the world. Let's ask the waiter."
The waiter comes by and the men ask, "Is there Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I'll check," and goes back to the kitchen. He comes back and says, "No, no Mexican Jews."
The men say, "Are you sure?" The waiter says, "I'll ask again," and goes to the kitchen. He comes back and says, "No, no Mexican Jews. We have orange Jews, apple Jews, grape Jews and tomato Jews, but nobody ever heard of Mexican Jews."
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Today is Tuesday, June 18, the 169th day of the year. There are 196 days left in the year.
In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.
In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the United States Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.
In 1923, the Checker Cab Company produced the first taxi at their Kalamazoo factory.
In 1983, Astronaut Sally K. Ride, 32, became America's first woman in space as she and four colleagues blasted off aboard the space shuttle Challenger on a six-day mission.
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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lou Brock is 74, Singer Sue Raney is 73, Rock singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 71, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 61 and Actress Carol Kane is 61.
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June 18th is: International Sushi Day.
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Quip for the day........Failures are divided into those who thought and never did and those who did and never thought.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.....
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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Today is Wednesday, June 19, the 170th day of the year. There are 195 days left in the year.
In 1862, Congress passed, and President Abraham Lincoln signed, a measure abolishing slavery in U.S. territories.
In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington. (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)
In 1953, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage, were executed in the electric chair.
In 1972, Hurricane Agnes, blamed for at least 122 deaths, made landfall over the Florida Panhandle.
In 1973, the rock musical "The Rocky Horror Show" premiered in London. (It was later adapted into the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show.")
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Today---------French actor Louis Jourdan is 92, Pop singer Tommy DeVito (The Four Seasons) is 85, Auto racer Shirley Muldowney is 73, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 71, Author Salman Rushdie is 66, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 65, Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 63 and Singer-songwriter Patty Larkin is 62.
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June 19th is: Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.
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Quip for the day........The secret to looking young is................being young.
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Larryj
Today's---------long one, but worth it.......
The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE I'M HIS OWN......"
St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"
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Today is Thursday, June 20, the 171st day of the year. There are 194 days left in the year.
In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States, featuring the emblem of the bald eagle.
In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state. (Note to genealogists: many times you might see an ancestor born in West Virginia before 1863. Be sure to show that they were born in Virginia.)
In 1967, Boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws.
In 1975, the film, "Jaws," directed by Steven Spielberg, opened in theaters.
In 1977, oil from Prudhoe Bay began flowing down the Trans-Alaska pipeline.
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Today------Actor Martin Landau is 85, Actress Bonnie Bartlett is 84, Actress Olympia Dukakis is 82, Actor Danny Aiello is 80, Football Hall-of-Famer Len Dawson is 78, Actor John Mahoney is 73, Movie director Stephen Frears is 72, Songwriter-singer Brian Wilson is 71, Actor John McCook is 69, Singer Anne Murray is 68, Actress Candy Clark is 66, Rhythm and blues singer Lionel Richie is 64 and Actor John Goodman is 61.
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June 20th is: American Eagle Day, Dump The Pump Day, Recess At Work Day and World Refugee Day.
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Quip for the day.......A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
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Today is Friday, June 21, the 172nd day of the year. There are 193 days left in the year.
In 1788, the United States Constitution went into effect after New Hampshire ratified it.
In 1943, Army nurse Lt. Edith Greenwood became the first woman to receive the Soldier's Medal for heroism during a fire at a hospital in Yuma, Arizona.
In 1989, a sharply divided Supreme Court ruled that burning the American flag as a form of political protest was protected by the First Amendment.
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Today------Pro football Hall-of-Famer Mike McCormack is 83, Composer Lalo Schifrin is 81, Actor Bernie Kopell is 80, Actor Monte Markham is 78, Songwriter Don Black is 75, Actress Mariette Hartley is 73, Comedian Joe Flaherty is 72, Singer-songwriter Ray Davies (Kinks) is 69, Actress Meredith Baxter is 66, Actor Michael Gross is 66, Rock musician Joey Kramer (Aerosmith) is 63 and Rock musician Nils Lofgren is 62.
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June 21st is: Ann and Samantha Day, Atheists Solidarity Day, Go Skateboarding Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, National Flip Flop Day, Summer Soltice, World Handshake Day, World Humanist Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.
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Quip for the day...........From Gallagher.......If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but one of my favorites........
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
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Today is Saturday, June 22, the 173rd day of the year. There are 192 days left in the year.
In 1611, English explorer Henry Hudson, his son and several other people were set adrift in Hudson Bay by mutineers aboard the Discovery; their fate remains unknown.
In 1870, the U.S. Department of Justice was born.
In 1937, Joe Louis began his reign as world heavyweight boxing champion by knocking out Jim Braddock.
In 1938, Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling in the first round of their rematch.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill which was designed to compensate returning members of the armed services for their efforts in World War II.
In 1945, the Battle of Okinawa came to an end after 83 days of fighting.
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Today------Actor Ralph Waite is 85, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 77, Actor Michael Lerner is 72, Actor Klaus Maria Brandauer is 70, Musician Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 69, Actor Andrew Rubin is 67, Actor David L. Lander is 66, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 65, Actress Meryl Streep is 64, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 64, Singer Alan Osmond is 64, Actor Murphy Cross is 63, Actor Graham Greene is 61 and Pop singer Cyndi Lauper is 60.
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June 22nd is: AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (22-23), Great American Backyard Campout, Polar Bear Swim and Stupid Guy Thing Day.
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Quip for the day...........He's so fat that when he gets into an elevator it HAS to go down.
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Larryj
Today's-------another favorite.....
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. A big brutish sort of a fellow walks in, sits down beside him and grabs the drink in front of the first guy and gulps it down. With that, the first guy starts crying. Feeling remorseful, the big guy says, "Hey, I'm sorry. Here, let me buy you a drink. No need to cry."
The first guy says, "I've had a terrible day. I overslept and missed an important business meeting and my boss got mad and fired me. So I went to my car only to find someone had stolen it. I took the bus home and found my wife in bed with the gardener. I called a cab and came here. Then I realized I had left my wallet in the cab. It was just too much and I decided to end it all. And then, you walk in and drink my poison..........
Bonus Day.......Another bar joke.........A guy is sitting at the bar when a big guy comes in and WHACK knocks him off the barstool. The big guy says, "That's a Korean head slap."
The first guy gets up and sits back on the barstool. The big guy looks at him and WHACK, knocks him off the barstool again. "That's a Japanese chop," the big guy says.
With that, the first guy gets up and leaves the bar. About an hour later, he returns and walks up behind the big guy and WHACK, knocks him off the barstool. The guy then turns to the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a Sears crowbar."
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Today is Sunday, June 23, the 174th day of the year. There are 191 days left in the year.
In 1888, Abolitionist Frederick Douglass received one vote from the Kentucky delegation at the Republican convention in Chicago, effectively making him the first black candidate to have his name placed in nomination for U.S. president. (The nomination went to Benjamin Harrison.)
In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.
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Today-----------Actress Peggy Stewart is 90, Singer Diana Trask is 73, Actor Ted Shackelford is 67, Actor Bryan Brown is 66, Guitarist Myles Goodwyn (April Wyne) is 65, Author John Katzenbach is 63 and Actor Jim Metzier is 62.
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June 23rd is: America's Kids Day, Baby Boomers Recognition Day, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day, Public Service Day, Ryan Moran Day and SAT Math Day.
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Quip for the day............WARNING!!!!! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
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Larryj
Today's---funny
Two men are driving through Wisconsin when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the heck was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Wisconsin, son," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the trooper says, "that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that crap with me!'"
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Today is Monday, June 24, the 175th day of the year. There are 190 days left in the year.
In 1675, King Philip's War began in colonial New England.
In 1908, the 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J., at age 71.
In 1953, Jacqueline Bouvier and Sen. John F. Kennedy announced their engagement.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon concluded his summit with the leader of the Soviet Union, Leonid Brezhnev.
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Today---------Actor Al Molinaro is 94, Comedian Jack Carter is 90, Rock singer Arthur Brown is 71, Actress Michelle Lee is 71, Rock musician Jeff Beck (Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group) is 69, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 66, Actor Peter Weller is 66 and Actress Nancy Allen is 63.
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June 24th is: Celebration Of The Senses and International Fairy Day.
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Quip for the day.........Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
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Larryj
Today's-----------didn't say blonde joke.......
The young lady was tearing down the road in her convertible at an excessive rate of speed. A cop pulls her over.
He approaches and demands to see her license.
"My license?" she says, in an exasperated way.
"Yes, Ma'am, show me your driver's license," the cop says.
The lady sighs heavily and says, "I sure wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you want me to show it you? Hello?"
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Today is Tuesday, June 25, the 176th day of the year. There are 189 days left in the year.
In 1788, Virginia ratified the U.S. Constitution.
In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Bighorn in Montana.
In 1938, the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 was enacted.
In 1950, war broke out in Korea as forces for the communist North invaded the South.
In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett at age 62.
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Today-----------Actress June Lockhart is 88, Civil Rights Activist James Meredith is 80, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 71, Singer Carly Simon is 68, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 66, Actor-director Michael Lembeck is 65 and TV Personality Phyllis George is 64.
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June 25th is: Color TV Day (CBS), Global Beatles Day, National Columnists Day and Please Take My Children To Work Day.
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Quip for the day......She used to have an hour glass figure until the sands of time shifted.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah......
The cop had just finished writing a parking ticket and is slipping under the windshield wiper when a distraught man approaches and says, "Hey, officer, I just got fired from my job. How about giving me a break?"
The officer says, "Sorry, pal, no breaks."
The man says, "You're a jerk."
The cop starts writing in his ticket book again. "OK, just for that, you're getting a ticket for worn tires, too," he says.
The man says, "Yeah, well, you're a dope."
The cop says, "Ok, that's another ticket for a broken tail light."
The man says, "What an idiot."
This goes on for 20 minutes. By the time the cop leaves, there are a half dozen tickets on the windshield.
A bystander approaches and says to the man, "Wow, I saw the whole thing. I'm sorry you lost your job, but now you have all these tickets, too. You really were hard on that cop."
The man says, "Oh, those aren't my tickets. This is my boss's car."
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Today is Wednesday, June 26, the 177th day of the year. There are 188 days left in the year.
In 1925, Charlie Chaplin's classic comedy "The Gold Rush" premiered at Grauman's Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood.
In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.
In 1973, former White House counsel John W. Dean told the Senate Watergate Committee about an "enemies list" kept by the Nixon White House.
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Today-----Actress Eleanor Parker is 91, Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 79, Actor Josef Sommer is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Hal Greer is 77, Singer Billy Davis Jr. is 73, Actor Robert Davi is 62 (although some websites state he is 60) and Actress Pamela Bellwood is 62.
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June 26th is: International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, National Canoe Day and International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture.
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Quip for the day.......Someday my boat will come in and with my luck I'll be at the airport.
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Larryj
Today's------------hah......
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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Today is Thursday, June 27, the 178th day of the year. There are 187 days left in the year.
In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, Illinois.
In 1846, New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires.
In 1893, the New York Stock Market crashed.
In 1942, the FBI announced the arrests of Nazi saboteurs put ashore in Florida and Long Island, New York. (All were tried and sentenced to death.)
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced that he was sending U.S. Air and Naval forces to South Korea in support of that country from invading North Koreans.
In 1985, after 59 years the iconic Route 66 was decertified.
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Today---------Businessman Ross Perot is 83, Actress Kathryn Beaumont is 75, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (Beach Boys) is 71, Former MLB player Rico Petrocelli is 70, Fashion designer Norma Kamali is 68, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 64, Actor James Daughton is 63, Actress Joanna McCallum is 63 and Actress Julia Duffy is 62.
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June 27th is: Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day, National HIV Testing Day, National Bomb Pop Day and National Hand Shake Day.
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Quip for the day......The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't cheat....
..............................doesn't exist.
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Larryj
Today's--------Guilty......
Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a man is on trial for murder and his lawyer, knowing that the evidence against his client was strong, decided to try to trick the jury. Knowing his client is probably guilty and faces a long time in prison, he stands for his closing argument and says, "When you make your verdict, it must be done 'beyond a reasonable doubt.' The person my client is charged with killing will walk through the courtroom doors in 1 minute." He looks at his watch and turns to look at the door and so do all the members of the jury. Of course, nobody comes through the door. The lawyer says, "Actually, I made that up. But you all looked indicating there was a reasonable doubt."
The jury retires to deliberate the case and comes back in just a few minutes. The verdict is guilty. Afterwards, the lawyer is talking to the jury spokesperson and asks, "How could you reach a guilty verdict when you all looked at the door waiting for the victim to walk in? Didn't that give you a reasonable doubt?"
The jury spokesperson said, "Yes, we all did look at the door. Everyone in the courtroom looked at the door.........except your client!"
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Today is Friday, the 179th day of the year. There are 186 days left in the year.
In 1778, the Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey. From the battle, the legend of "Molly Pitcher" arose.
In 1836, the fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died in Virginia.
In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophia, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip, sparking World War I.
In 1919, the Treat of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I.
In 1939, Pan American Airways began regular trans-Atlantic air service with a flight that departed New York for Marseilles, France.
In 1953, workers at a Chevrolet plant in Flint, Michigan, assembled the first Corvette. (300 were made that year.)
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Today--------------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 87, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 76, Actress Madeline Duggan is 69, Rock musician Dave Knights (Procul Harem) is 68, Actor Bruce Davison is 67, Actress Kathy Bates is 65 and Former MLB MVP Don Baylor is 64.
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June 28th is: Insurance Awareness Day, Lend Me An Ear Day, Molly Pitcher Day, World War I Commemoration Day and Versailles Treaty Day.
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Quip for the day.......My favorite fiction writer is my accountant.
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Larryj
Today's---------hah.......
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
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Today is Saturday, June 29, the 180th day of the year. There are 185 days left in the year.
In 1767, Britain approved the Townshend Revenue Act, imposing import duties on glass, paint, oil, lead, paper and tea shipped to the American colonies. (Colonists bitterly protested, prompting Parliament to repeal the duties, except for tea.)
In 1927, the first trans-Pacific airplane flight concluded. Lt. Lester J. Maitland and Lt. Albert F. Hegenberger arrived at Wheeler Field in Hawaii aboard the Bird of Paradise, an Atlantic-Fokker C-2, after flying 2,400 miles from Oakland in 25 hours, 50 minutes.
In 1967, Actress Jayne Mansfield was killed in an auto accident east of New Orleans, Louisiana.
In 2003, Actress Katharine Hepburn died of natural causes at her home in Old Saybrook, Connecticut; she was 96.
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Today-----Actress Cara Williams is 88, Movie producer Robert Evans is 83, Actor Gary Busey is 69, Comedian Richard Lewis is 66, Rock musician Ian Paice (Deep Purple) is 65, Actor Fred Grandy is 65, Singer-songwriter Patti Scialfa (E-Street Band) is 60 and Singer-musician Colin James Hay (Men at Work) is 60.
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June 29th is: Camera Day, Remote Control Day, Spare Us The Details Day and Waffle Iron Day.
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Quip for the day.......Someday you will find yourself........and wish you hadn't.
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Larryj
NOTICE: BECAUSE OF THE IMPENDING SURGERY ON MY WIFE TOMORROW, THERE WILL BE NO ENTRY FOR JULY 1. THE SURGERY TAKES PLACE SEVERAL MILES AWAY AND EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO WE HAVE OPTED TO GO TO A MOTEL NEARBY THE HOSPITAL AND SPEND THE NIGHT. I WILL RESUME ON TUESDAY, HOPEFULLY.
Today's--------Be careful what you wish for...........
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
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Today is Sunday, June 30, the 181st day of the year. There are 184 days left in the year.
In 1850, Jean-Francois Gravelet, AKA Emile Blondin, crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope.
In 1936, Margaret Mitchell's novel, "Gone With The Wind," was first published.
In 1962, Brooklyn Dodger pitcher, Sandy Koufax, pitched his first no-hitter.
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Today-------Author-columnist Thomas Sowell is 83, Former Olympian Billy Mills is 75, Ocean explorer Robert Ballard is 71 and Actor Leonard Whiting is 63.
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June 30th is: Log Cabin Day and NOW (National Organization For Women) Day.
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Quip for the day..........A spilled drink flows in the direction of the most expensive object.
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Larryj
We'll be thinking fondly of you both. Prayers for quick healing.
Surgery went well.......see Observations thread.
Today's-------hah......
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Today is Tuesday, July 2, the 182nd day of the year. There are 183 days left in the year.
In 1776, the Second Continental Congress adopted Richard Henry Lee's resolution for independence from Britain.
In 1881, four months into his administration, President James A. Garfield was shot in Washington, D.C. (He died 80 days later from blood poisoning.)
In 1937, the Lockheed aircraft carrying Amelia Earhart and Frederick Noonan was reported lost over the Pacific Ocean.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.
In 1992, Chevrolet built it's 1 millionth Corvette with a red interior and black roof, the same colors of the initial 1953 model.
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Today---------Pianist-composer Ahmad Jamal is 83, NASCAR driver Richard Petty is 76, Producer-writer Larry David is 66 and Folk musician Greg Brown is 64.
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July 2nd is: I Forgot Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.
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Quip for the day........Tickle a rich girl by saying, "Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!"
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Larryj
Today's-------funny......
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.
The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.
The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.
The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"
The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."
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Today is Wednesday, July 3, the 183rd day of the year. There are 182 days left in the year.
In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as Confederate troops failed to breach Union positions during an assault known as Pickett's Charge.
In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.
In 1898, the U.S. Navy defeated a Spanish fleet outside Santiago Bay in Cuba during the Spanish-American War.
In 2012, TV legendary actor Andy Griffin died at his North Carolina home at age 86.
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Today--------Actor Tim O'Connor is 86, Jazz musician Pete Fountain is 83, Writer-producer Jay Tarses is 74, Attorney Gloria Allred is 72, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 70, Actress Lynn Cohen is 69, Country singer Johnny Lee is 67, Actress Betty Buckley is 66 and Actress Jan Smithers is 64.
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July 3rd is: Complement Your Mirror Day and Stay Out Of The Sun Day.
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Quip for the day........One night a jet flew really close to my house. I was walking to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.
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Larryj
Today's----------Happy Fourth of July.....
The teacher called in sick at the last minute, so the school principal, Mr. Skinner, stepped in to substitute. Noticing an American map on the classroom wall, he decided to start the day's lessons with a little quiz.
"Good morning, class," he said. "How many of you can name all 50 states without looking at that map on the wall?"
A few students raised their hands, tentatively, and one by one they took a shot at it. But no one could name more than about 20.
"Tut-tut!" the principal said, adopting a superior tone. "I want you to know that when I was your age, I could name every one of the states!"
The class clown raised his hand and said, "Sure, Mr. Skinner, but when you were our age, there were only 13 of them!"
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Today is Thursday, July 4, the 184th day of the year. There are 181 days left in the year.
In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by Second Continental Congress delegates in Philadelphia.
In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, New York.
In 1826, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on this day.
In 1872, Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president, was born in Plymouth, Vermont.
In 1912, the 48-star American flag, recognizing New Mexico statehood, was adopted.
In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."
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Today--------Actress Eva Marie Saint is 89, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 86, Playwright Neil Simon is 86, Singer Bill Withers is 75, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Floyd Little is 71, Bluegrass singer-songwriter Peter Rowan is 71, Former Pro Football player Emerson Boozer is 70 and Broadcast Journalist Geraldo Rivera is 70.
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July 4th is: Boom Box Parade Day, Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day and Indivisible Day.
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Quip for the day.........Benjamin Franklin quote.......Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
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Larryj
Today's-----busy day------I love this one and have probably posted it before, but, oh well..........
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
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Today is Friday, July 5, the 185th day of the year. There are 180 days left in the year.
In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.
In 1921, the trial began in the "Black Sox Scandal" of the Chicago White Sox players accused of throwing the 1919 World Series.
In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Reard, was modeled by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.
In 1954, Elvis Presley's first commercial recording session was at Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee; the song he recorded was "That's All Right (Mama)."
In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black tennis player to win the Wimbledon Championship.
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Today------Actress Katherine Helmond is 85, Actress Shirley Knight is 77, Musician Robbie Robertson is 70, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 65, Rock star Huey Lewis is 63 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rich "Goose" Gossage is 62.
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July 5th is: Bikini Day, Earth At Aphelion, International Chicken Wing Day and Roswell UFO Days (5-7).
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Quip for the day........You know you are old when a dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah........
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
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Today is Saturday, July 6, the 186th day of the year. There are 179 days left in the year.
In 1777, in the American Revolution, British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga.
In 1885, French scientist Louis Pasteur tested an anti-rabies vaccine on Joseph Meister, 9, who had been bitten by an infected dog; the boy did not develop rabies.
In 1933, the first All-Star baseball game was played at Chicago's Comiskey Park; the American League defeated the National League, 4-2.
In 1971, Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong died in New York City at age 69.
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Today---------Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 92, Actor William Schallert is 91, Singer-actress Della Reese is 82, Actor Ned Beatty is 76, Actor Burt Ward is 68, Former President George W. Bush is 67, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 67, Actor Fred Dryer is 67, Actress Shelley Hack is 66, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 62 and Folk singer Nanci Griffith is 60.
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July 6th is: Hop A Park Day, International Chicken Wing Society Cook-Off Day, International Cherry Pit Spitting Day, International Kissing Day, International Day Of Cooperatives and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.
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Quip for the day........I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.
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Larryj
Sorry I missed yesterday. Busy day, see observations.
Todays-------oops......
Two guys were walking down a dirt road when they come upon a hole. They look in it and one said "Can you see the bottom?" The other replies "Nope." So they start tossing rocks in it to hear how long it takes to hit the bottom. One turns to the other and says "We need something bigger." They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag it to the hole and chuck it in.
Suddenly there's a commotion behind them and they turn to see a Billy goat charging them. They jump out of the way just in time. The goat misses them and falls into the hole. "Did you see that crazy goat" one says. "Yeah, it tried to kill us." They see an old farmer on a tractor in the field and they run over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat.
"Yes, boys, I sure do," he said.
"Well, we're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill us!"
"Yeah. It came charging at us and tried to knock us in a hole!"
The old farmer frowned and said, "He charged at you? Don't sound like my goat, 'cause my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a cinderblock."
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Today is Monday, July 8, the 188th day of the year. There are 177 days left in the year.
In 1663, King Charles II of England granted a Royal Charter to Rhode Island.
In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence outside the State House (now Independence Hall) in Philadelphia.
In 1889, the Wall Street Journal was first published.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson received a tumultuous welcome in New York City after his return from the Versailles Peace Conference in France.
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Today-------Singer Jerry Vale is 83, Singer Steve Lawrence is 78, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 69, Ballerina Cynthia Gregory is 67, Actress Kim Darby is 66, Children's performer Raffi is 65, Chef Wolfgang Puck is 64, Former MLB player Alan Ashby is 62, Actress Angelica Huston is 62, Writer Anna Quindlen is 61 and Former NFL linebacker Jack Lambert is 61.
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July 8th is: SCUD Day (Save the Comic, Unplug the Drama), International Town Criers Day and Math 2.0 Day.
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Quip for the day........Temperature differences between the East Coast and the West Coast........At 60 degrees F, Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably, people in New England sunbathe.
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Larryj
Today's--------think about it.......
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.
She said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it. I love you and I'd do anything for you."
"But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me. You wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
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Today is July 9, the 189th day of the year. There are 176 days left in the year.
In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.
In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term.
In 1962, pop artist Andy Warhol's exhibit of 32 paintings of Campbell's soup cans opened at the Ferus Gallery in Los Angeles.
In 1974, former U.S. Chief Justice Earl Warren died at age 83.
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Today-----Actor-singer Ed Ames is 86, Former NHL Defenseman Red Kelly is 86, Former Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld is 81, Actor Richard Wilson is 77, Actor Brian Dennehy is 75, Actor Richard Roundtree is 71, Author Dean Koontz is 68, Football Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson is 66, Actor Chris Cooper is 62 and TV personality John Tesh is 61
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July 9th is: Ramadan.
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Quip for the day......Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but a favorite......
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
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Today is July 10, the 190th day of the year. There are 175 days left in the year.
In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treat of Versailles to the Senate, and urged its ratification. (The Senate rejected it.)
In 1925, jury selection took place in Dayton, Tennessee, in the trial of John T. Scopes, charged with violating the law by teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution. (Scopes was convicted and fined, but the verdict was overturned on a technicality.)
In 1940, the Battle of Britain began. It lasted 3 1/2 months.
In 1941, Jazz musician Jelly Roll Morton died in Los Angeles.
In 1978, ABC-TV launched its reformatted evening newscast, "World News Tonight," with anchors Frank Reynolds, Peter Jennings and Max Robinson.
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Today----Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 92, Writer-producer Earl Hamner Jr. is 90, Former New York City Mayor David N. Dinkins is 86, Broadway composer Jerry Herman is 82, Director Ivan Passer is 80, Actor Lawrence Pressman is 74, Actor Mills Watson is 73, Actor Robert Pine is 72, Actor Ron Glass is 68, Tennis Champion Virginia Wade is 68, Singer Arlo Guthrie is 66, Actress Phyllis Smith is 62 and Actress Mindy Sterling is 60.
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July 10th is: Clerihew Day, Don't Step On A Bee Day, Hot Dog Night, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.
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Quip for the day....from Mae West...."I once was so poor I didn't know where my next husband was coming from."
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Larryj
Today's------one of my faves.......
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Today is Thursday, July 11, the 191th day of the year. There are 174 days in the year.
In 1767, John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Massachusetts.
In 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a Congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.
In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, New Jersey.
In 1899, author E.B. White who wrote "Charlotte's Web," was born in Mount Vernon, New York.
In 1914, George Herman "Babe" Ruth began his major league baseball career.
In 1960, the novelty song "Alley Oop" topped the Billboard Charts. It was a one-hit wonder by the Hollywood Argyles.
In 1979, America's first space station, Skylab, launched in 1973, came crashing down in Australia and the South Pacific.
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Today-------Actor Tab Hunter is 82, Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani is 79, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 70, Ventriloquist Jay Johnson is 64, Actor Bruce McGill is 63, Singer Bonnie Pointer is 63, Actor Stephen Lang is 61 and Boxer Leon Spinks is 60.
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July 11th is: Bowdlers Day, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Day Of The Five Billion, National Rainier Cherries Day, Slurpee Day and World Population Day.
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Quip for the day.......To vacillate or not to vacillate -- that is the question -- or is it?
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Larryj
Today's------------eewwww.....
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
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Today is Friday, July 12, the 192nd day of the year. There are 173 days left in the year.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill authorizing the Medal of Honor.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower became the first president to ride in a helicopter.
In 1967, six days of race-related rioting erupted in Newark, New Jersey. The violence claimed 26 lives.
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Today----Movie director Monte Hellman is 84, Comedian Bill Cosby is 76, Rock musician singer Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 70, Former NBA player Paul Silas is 70, Actress Denise Nicholas is 69, Singer-songwriter Butch Hancock is 68, Guitarist Wilko Johnson is 66, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 65, TV Actress Cheryl Ladd is 62 and Film producer Brian Grazer is 62.
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July 12th is: Chick-fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Collector Car Appreciation Day and Simplicity Day.
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Quip for the day........If you don't succeed at first, try playing second base.
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Larryj
Today's--------late day....
HANDICAP GOLF.
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
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Today is Saturday, July 13, the 193rd day of the year. There are 172 days left in the year.
In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation adopted the Northwest Ordinance, which established a government in the Northwest Territory, an area corresponding to the present-day Midwest and Upper Midwest.
In 1863, deadly rioting against the Civil War military draft erupted in New York City. (The insurrection was put down three days later.)
In 1923, a sign consisting of 50-foot-tall letters spelling out "HOLLYWOODLAND" was dedicated in the Hollywood Hills to promote a subdivision. (The last four letters were removed in 1949.)
In 1951, rivers across Eastern Kansas crested well above flood stage. 500,000 people were left homeless and 24 people died.
In 1960, Senator John F. Kennedy, D-Mass, was nominated for the presidency by the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles.
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Today---------Actor Patrick Stewart is 73, Actor Robert Forster is 72, Actor Harrison Ford is 71, Guitarist Roger McQuinn (The Byrds) is 71, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 67, Actress Daphne Maxwell is 65 and Actress Didi Conn is 62.
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July 13th is: Bald Is In Day, Carver Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Workers Day, Wayne Chicken Day, National French Fries Day and Grange Day.
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Quip for the day.........The more you know, the less you need to know.
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Larryj
Today's------------Blonde joke day.......
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity. If you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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Today is Sunday, July 14, the 194th day of the year. There are 171 days left in the year.
In 1853, Commodore Matthew Perry relayed to Japanese officials a letter from President Millard Fillmore requesting trade relations.
In 1881, outlaw Billy the Kid was shot to death by Sheriff Pat Garrett at the Maxwell Ranch in New Mexico.
In 1911, Harry N. Atwood became the first pilot to land an airplane on the grounds of the White House; he was greeted by President William Howard Taft.
In 1913, Gerald R. Ford, former president of the United States, was born in Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1980, the Republican National Convention opened in Detroit, where Ronald Reagan told supporters they were determined to "make America great again."
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Today--------Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 87, Actress Nancy Olson is 85, Actress Polly Bergen is 83, Former Pro football player Rosie Grier is 81, First African-American Pro golfer to play in the Master's Tournament Lee Elder is 79, Actor Sid Haig is 74, Composer Harold Wheeler is 70, Actor Vincent Pastore is 67 and Former CEO of Sony Music Tony Mottola is 64.
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July 14th is: International Nude Day.
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Quip for the day........Don't let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.
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Larryj
Today's------a lesson learned......
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Today is Monday, July 15, the 195th day of the year. There are 170 days left in the year.
In 1903, the Ford Motor Company took its first order. A Chicago dentist, Dr. Ernst Pfenning ordered a two-cylinder Model A:
cost $850.
In 1916, the Boeing Company, originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.
In 1964, Sen. Barry Goldwater, R-Ariz., was nominated by the Republican Party to run for president.
In 1976, a 36-hour ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, CA., by three gunmen and imprisoned in an underground cell. (The captives escaped unharmed.)
In 1992, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton was nominated for president.
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Today--------Author Clive Cussler is 82, Actor Patrick Wayne is 74, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 69, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 67, Rock music Hall-of-Fame drummer Artimus Pyle (Lynrd Skynrd) is 65, Professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is 62 and Actor Terry O'Quinn is 61.
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July 15th is: Be A Dork Day, Global Hug Your Kid Day, Gummi Worm Day and National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day.
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Quip for the day..........God answers all of our prayers. He says yes or no or "Are you kidding me?"
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Larryj
Today's--------good one.......
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
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Today is Tuesday, July 16, the 196th day of the year. There are 169 days left in the year.
In 1790, Congress declared Washington, D.C., as the nation's capital.
In 1935, the world's first parking meter, known as the Park-O-Meter No. 1, was installed on the Southeast corner of what was then First Street and Robinson Avenue in Oklahoma City.
In 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, New Mexico.
In 1951, the novel "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published by Little, Brown and Co.
In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their single engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.
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Today-------Panelist Bess Myerson is 89, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 79, Soul singer William Bell is 74, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 71, NFL and Hall-of-Fame College Football coach Jimmy Johnson is 70, Actress-model Ann Turkel is 67, Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 65 and Rock musician Stewart Copeland (The Police) is 61.
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July 16th is: National Woodie Wagon Day and Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day.
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Quip for the day.........Happiness isn't good enough for me. I demand euphoria.
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Larryj
Today's----------true.....
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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Today is Wednesday, July17, the 197th day of the year. There are 168 days left in the year.
In 1862, during the Civil War, Congress approve the Second Confiscation Act, which declared that all slaves taking refuge behind Union lines to be set free.
In 1955, Disneyland in Anaheim, California, had its opening day.
In 1975, an Apollo spacecraft docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower linkup of its kind.
In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of suspended walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed during a tea dance.
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Today-------Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 88, Actor Donald Sutherland is 78, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 78, Comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor is 73, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 71, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is 66, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 64, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 62 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 61.
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July 17th is: Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.
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Quip for the day...........The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.......
Entitled Trading Places......
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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Today is Thursday, July 18, the 198th day of the year. There are 167 days left in the year.
In 1792, Revolutionary Naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.
In 1863, during the Civil War, Union troops spearheaded by the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, a unit of black soldiers, charged Confederate-held Fort Wagner on Morris Island, S.C. The Northerners suffered heavy losses and were repelled; the 54th's commander, Col. Robert Gould Shaw, was among those killed.
In 1932, the United States and Canada signed a treaty to develop the St. Lawrence Seaway.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated to an unprecedented third term.
In 1969, Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., drove an Oldsmobile off a wooden bridge into a tide-swept pond. Kennedy escaped, but passenger Mary Jo Kopechne did not.
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Today-----Former South African President Nelson Mandela is 95, Former Senator and astronaut John Glenn is 92, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 84, Director Paul Verhoeven is 75, Screenwriter Hampton Francker is 75, Actor James Brolin is 73, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 73, Singer Martha Reeves is 72 and Actress Margo Martindale is 62.
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July 18th is: Get To Know Your Customers Day, International Mandela Day and National Caviar Day.
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Quip for the day.......When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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Larryj
Today's------yep........
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Today is Friday, July 19, the 199th day of the year. There are 166 days left in the year.
In 1848, a major women's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls, New York.
In 1943, allied air forces raided Rome, the same day Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini met in Feltre in Northern Italy.
In 1961, TWA was the first airline to begin regularly showing in-flight movies. First-class passengers saw "By Love Possessed" on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.
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Today-----Actress Helen Gallagher is 87, Singer Vicki Carr is 73, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 69, Actor George Dzundza is 68, Tennis player Illie Nastase is 67, Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 66, Guitarist Bernie Leadon (Eagles) is 66 and Actress Beverly Archer is 65.
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July 19th is: Flitch Day.
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Quip for the day.......I love it when you walk through a spider web. You all of a sudden learn Kung Fu!
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Larryj
Today's----------hah......
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
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Today is Saturday, July 20, the 200th day of the year. There are 165 days left in the year.
In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, Virginia.
In 1917, the World War I draft lottery began operation.
In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the surface in the Apollo 11 lunar module.
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Today------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 83, Author Cormac McCarthy is 80, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef if 78, Actress Diana Rigg is 75, Former Baseball All-Star Tony Oliva is 75, Artist Judy Chicago is 74, Country singer-songwriter Kim Carnes is 68, Musician-guitarist Carlos Santana is 66 and Actor Muse Watson is 65.
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July 20th is: Celebration Of The Horse Day, Moon Day, Space Exploration Day, National Lollipop Day and National Hot Dog Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
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Larryj
Today's-------old groaner.......
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running..."
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Today is Sunday, July 21, the 201st day of the year. There are 164 days left in the year.
In 1861, in the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run at Manassas, Virginia, ended in a Confederate victory.
In 1862, the eighth president of the United States, Martin Van Buren, lapsed into a coma. He died three days later.
In 1925, the so-called Monkey Trial ended in Dayton, Tennessee, with John T. Scopes found guilty of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution. The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.
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Today--------Singer Kay Starr is 91, Movie director Norman Jewison is 87, Actor Edward Hermann is 70, Poet Tess Gallagher is 70, Actor Art Hindle is 65, Singer Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) is 65, Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 65, Actor Jordan Clarke is 63, Actor Robin Williams is 62 and Children's entertainer Jeff Fatt is 60.
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July 21st is: National Ice Cream Day and Legal Drinking Age Day.
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Quip for the day......Old age is when you turn off the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
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Larryj
Today's---sounds about right.....
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve:
10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
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Today is Monday, July 22, the 202nd day of the year. There are 163 days left in the year.
In 1933, aviator Wiley Post completed his solo trip around the world. His time: 7 days, 18 hours and 49 minutes.
In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater, where he had just seen the Clark Gable movie "Manhattan Melodrama."
In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.
In 1963, Sonny Liston knocked out Floyd Patterson in the first round of their rematch in Las Vegas to retain the world heavyweight title.
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Today------Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 90, Actress Louise Fletcher is 79, Game show host Alex Trebek is 73, Singer George Clinton is 72, Singer Bobby Sherman is 70, Actor Danny Glover is 67, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 66, Rock musician Don Henley is 66 and Composer Alan Menken is 64.
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July 22nd is: Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Rat-catchers Day and Spooner's Day.
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Quip for the day.......Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.
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Larryj
Today's-------late day.....
MAN VS. WOMAN
NICKNAME:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, although it is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she does not want.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Today is Tuesday, July 23, the 203rd day of the year. There are 162 days left in the year.
In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63.
In 1888, author Raymond Chandler was born in Chicago.
In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.
In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors were killed in an accident involving a helicopter during filming of "Twilight Zone: The Movie"; Morrow was 53.
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Today-----Actress Gloria DeHaven is 88, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 77, Actor Ronny Cox is 75, Radio personality Don Imus is 73, Rock singer David Essex is 66, Singer-songwriter John Hall is 65 and Actress Edie McClurg is 62.
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July 23rd is: Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For You Day.
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Quip for the day........Plain milk is a good source of calcium. Ice Cream should not be your only source.
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Larryj
Today's------oldie.....(see below)
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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Today is Wednesday, July 24, the 204th day of the year. There are 161 days left in the year.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren, eighth U.S. president and first to have been born a U.S. citizen, died at 79 in Kinderhook, New York.
In 1911, Yale University history professor Hiram Bingham III found the "Lost City of the Incas," Machu Picchu, in Peru.
In 1952, President Harry S. Truman announced a settlement of the 53-day steel strike.
In 1959, during a visit to Moscow, Vice President Richard M. Nixon engaged in his "Kitchen Debate" with Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev.
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Today-------Actor John Aniston ("Days Of Our Lives") is 80, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 77, Hall-of-Fame NBA player Walt Bellamy is 74, Actor Chris Sarandon is 71, Comedian Gallagher is 67, Actor Michael Richards is 64, Actress Lynda Carter is 62 and Movie director Gus Van Sant is 61.
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July 24th is: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day, National Tequila Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.
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Quip for the day.........Always take life with a grain of salt......and a slice of lemon......and a shot of tequila. (See above.)
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
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Today is Thursday, July 25, the 205th day of the year. There are 160 days left in the year.
In 1861, the U.S. Congress passed the Crittendon-Johnson Resolution declaring that the war was being waged for the reunion of the states and not to interfere with the institutions of the South, namely slavery.
In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold that rank.
In 1898, the United States invaded Puerto Rico during the Spanish-American War.
In 1952, Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the United States.
In 1956, the Italian liner Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm off the New England coast and began sinking; 51 people died.
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Today-------Actress Barbara Harris is 78, Former college football coach John Robinson is 78, NBA Hall-of-Famer Nate Thurmond is 72, Guitarist Manny Charton (Nazareth) is 72 and Rock musician Verdine White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 62.
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July 25th is: Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day, National Chili Hot Dog Day and Thread The Needle Day.
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Quip for the day.........Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in your stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach.
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Larryj
Today's------big time groaner......
The State of Florida had a problem. The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand. One eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka their environmental watch dogs) were sent out to assure the well-being of the Terns. They followed this flock until they finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a report that read:
Not a Tern was left unstoned............. :P
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Today is Friday, July 26, the 206th day of the year. There are 159 days left in the year.
In 1775, the Continental Congress established the Postal System and Benjamin Franklin became the first post-master general.
In 1788, New York became the 11th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1797, future president John Quincy Adams married Louisa Johnson in London, England. Louisa was - and remains - the only foreign born first lady of the United States.
In 1908, Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte ordered creation of a force of special agents that was a forerunner of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
In 1931, a swarm of grasshoppers descended on crops in the American heartland devastating millions of acres.
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Today----Actress Marjorie Lord is 95, Actor James Best is 87, NFL Hall-of-Famer Tommy McDonald is 79, NFL Hall-of-Famer Bob Lilly is 74, Rock musician Mick Jagger (The Rolling Stones) is 70, Actress Helen Mirren is 68, Rock musician Roger Meddows (Queen) is 64 and Actress Susan George is 63.
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July 26th is: One Voice, Lumberjack Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day and System Administrator Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.......Life is just a phase you are going through. You'll get over it.
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Larryj
Today's----somebody, somewhere might not have heard this one......
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
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(Note: In checking myself, I noticed that the numbers in the following line has been erroneous for some time. It is corrected.)
Today is Saturday, July 27, the 208th day of the year. There are 157 days left in the year.
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In 1789, President George Washington signed a measure establishing the Department of Foreign Affairs, later the Department of State.
In 1866, Cyrus W. Field finished laying out the first successful underwater telegraph cable between North America and Europe.
In 1940, Bugs Bunny made his "official" debut in the Warner Bros. animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."
In 1949, the world's first jet-propelled airliner, the British De Havilland Comet, made its maiden test fight in England.
In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.
In 1974, the House of Representatives charged President Richard M. Nixon with the first of three articles of impeachment for obstruction of justice after he refused to hand over White House tapes concerning the Watergate scandal.
In 1996, in Atlanta, Georgia, the XXVI Olympiad was disrupted by the explosion of a pipe bomb in Centennial Olympic Park.
In 2003, legendary comedian and actor Bob Hope died in Toluca Lake, California. He was 100.
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Today------TV producer Norman Lear is 91, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 82, Actor John Pleshette is 71, Singer Bobby Gentry is 69, Actress-director Betty Thomas is 65, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 65, Singer Maureen McGovern is 64 and Actress Roxanne Hart is 61.
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July 27th is: Barbie-in-a-blender Day, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy, National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.
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Quip for the day......I have turned my life around! I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I miserable and depressed.
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Larryj
Today's----------or this one.........
A farmer had a pond on his property which he decided to make into a swimming pool. He fixed it up with a concrete lining, some outdoor lounge chairs, umbrellas and planted some fruit trees nearby.
One day, he decided to go down to the new pool. He hadn't been down there for a while and wanted to pick some fruit. He picked up a bucket and went down to the pool. As he got close he heard some women laughing and splashing around in the pool. They were skinny-dipping.
He let them know he was nearby and they all swam to the deep end. He told them he wasn't there to see them swimming around nude or to make them get out of the pool while he watched.
He held up the bucket and told them he was just there to feed the alligator.............
WELL PLAYED, OLD MAN, WELL PLAYED!
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Today is Sunday, July 28, the 209th day of the year. There are 156 days left in the year.
In 1868, the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing citizenship to African Americans, was officially adopted.
In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.
In 1932, during the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the U.S. Army to evict by force the Bonus Marchers from the nation's capital.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt announced the end of coffee rationing, a limit of one pound of coffee every five weeks, which began in November 1942.
In 1945, a U.S. military plane crashed into the Empire State Building killing 14 people. The freak accident was blamed on heavy fog.
In 1991, Montreal Expo's pitcher, Dennis Martinez, pitched a perfect game to beat the L.A. Dodgers, 2-0. Martinez was the first Latin player to pitch a perfect game.
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Today-------Actor Phil Proctor is 73, Former Senator and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Bradley is 70, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 68, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 67, Actress Linda Kelsey is 67, TV producer Dick Ebersol is 66, Actress Sally Struthers is 65, Actress Georgia Engel is 65, Former baseball player Vida Blue is 64, Rock musician Simon Kirke (Bad Company) is 64 and Former NBA All-Star Doug Collins is 62.
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July 28th is: Ann Hutchinson Memorial Day, Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day, Parents Day and World Hepatitis Day.
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Quip for the day........Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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Larryj
Today's---------or this one.......
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
"You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
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Today is Monday, July 29, the 210th day of the year. There are 155 days left in the year.
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In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act, creating NASA.
In 1965, 4,000 paratroopers of the 101st Airborne Division arrived in Vietnam.
In 1981, Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married at St. Paul's Cathedral. There were 2,650 guests and nearly one billion television viewers to witness the ceremony.
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Today-------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 99, Actor Robert Horton is 89, NHL Hall-of-Famer Ted Lindsay is 88, Actor Robert Fuller is 80, Elizabeth Dole is 77, Actor David Warner is 72, Children's author Sharon Creech is 68, Marilyn Quayle is 64, Former NBA player Scott Wedman is 61, Singer-songwriter Patti Scialfa is 60 and Documentary maker Ken Burns is 60.
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July 29th is: Lasagna Day, National Chicken Wing Day and Rain Day.
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Quip for the day........I either get what I want or I change my mind.
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Larryj
Today's--------wise man.....
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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Today is Tuesday, July 30, the 211th day of the year. There are 154 days left in the year.
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In 1862, the Confederate ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to prevent capture by the Union.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a law officially declaring "In God We Trust" to be the nation's official motto.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.
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Today-----Actor Richard Johnson is 86, Former MLB player Joe Nuxhall is 85, Actor Edd Kookie Byrnes is 80, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is 79, Blues guitarist Buddy Guy is 77, Singer Paul Anka is 72, Actor and former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66, Actor William Atherton is 66 and Actor Frank Stallone is 63.
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July 30th is: Cheesecake Day, Father-in-Law Day, Healthcare Now! Medicare's Birthday, National Support Public Education Day and Paperback Book Day.
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Quip for the day......The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah....(from a FB friend)
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of Tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a big roll of string on the counter. The sales girl, confused, says, "Sir, I thought you wanted Tampons for your wife."
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife out for a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it was sooo-ooo-oo-o much cheaper."
So I figure, if I have to roll my own...........................so does she.
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Today is Wednesday, July 31, the 212th day of the year. There are 153 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the American Continental Army gave Marquis de Lafayette, a French nobleman, 19, the rank of major-general.
In 1875, the 17th president of the United States, Andrew Johnson, died from a stroke while visiting his daughter in Tennessee.
In 1930, the radio character "The Shadow" made his debut as narrator of the "Detective Story Hour" on CBS Radio.
In 1933, the series "Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy," began on CBS radio station WBBM in Chicago.
In 1975, labor leader, Jimmy Hoffa, disappeared in Detroit, Michigan, never to be heard from again.
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Today------Actress France Nuyen is 74, Actress Susan Flannery is 74, Singer Lobo is 70, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 69, Singer Gary Lewis is 68, Actor Lane Davies is 63, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Evonne Goolagong Cawley is 62, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 62 and Jazz musician Michael Wolff is 61.
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July 31st is: Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day......I like to stop the microwave with one second left. It makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert.
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Larryj
Today's-------one of my favorites.....
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
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Today is Thursday, August 1, the 213th day of the year. There are 152 days left in the year.
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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.
In 1913, the Joyce Kilmer poem "Trees" was first published in "Poetry: A Magazine of Verse."
In 1914, four days after Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, World War I began.
In 1936, the Olympics opened in Berlin with a ceremony presided over by Adolf Hitler.
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Today----Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 83, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliott is 82, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 71 and Blues musician Robert Cray is 60.
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August 1st is: Girlfriends Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect for Parents, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day, World Wide Web Day and World Scout Scarf Day.
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Quip for the day........from Frank Sinatra..."I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Larryj
Today's--------oops.......
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter the other side of the confessional. The priest's attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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Today is Friday, August 2, the 214th day of the year. There are 151 days left in the year.
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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.
In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall.
In 1909, the first Lincoln "wheat" penny began circulation, replacing the "Indian Head" cent.
In 1923, President Warren G. Harding died of a stroke in a hotel in San Francisco at age 58.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman, Soviet leader Josef Stalin and Britain's Clement Attlee finished the Potsdam conference.
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Today------Actor Peter O'Toole is 81, 1959 Heisman Trophy winner Billy Cannon is 76, Movie director Wes Craven is 74, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 68, Actress Kathryn Harrold is 63 and Actor Butch Patrick ("Munsters") is 60.
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August 2nd is: International Beer Day, India Pale Ale Beer Day and Satchmo Days (2-4).
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Quip for the day........If you have something to say, raise your hand............and place it over your mouth.
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Larryj
Today's-----ouch!!!!!!!
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Today is Saturday, August 3, the 215th day of the year. There are 150 days left in the year.
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In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.
In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr went on trial before a federal court, charged with treason. (He was acquitted less than a month later.)
In 1914, Germany declared war on France at the onset of World War I.
In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the first of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he took the 100-meter sprint.
In 1949, the Basketball Association of American and the National Basketball League merged to form the National Basketball Association.
In 1958, the nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplished the first undersea voyage under the North Pole.
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Today-------Author P.D. James is 93, Singer Tony Bennett is 87, Poet Diane Wakoski is 76, Actor Martin Sheen is 73, NFL Hall-of-Famer Lance Alworth is 73, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 72, Musician-pianist Ray Reach is 65, Actor Phillip Casnoff is 64, Movie director John Landis is 63, Actress JoMarie Payton is 63, Former NFL player Eddie Payton is 62, Actor Jay North ("Dennis the Menace") is 62 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 62.
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August 3rd is: Braham Pie Day, International Tree Climbing Days (3-7), National Mustard Day and Watermelon Day.
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Quip for the day......My wife said she would go to the ends of the Earth for me. I asked her if she could stay there.
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Larryj
Today's------gotcha.......
4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest, too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make, also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
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Today is Sunday, August 4, the 216th day of the year. There are 149 days left in the year.
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In 1735, a jury found John Peter Zenger of the New York Weekly Journal not guilty of committing seditious libel against the colonial governor of New York, William Cosby.
In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1944, Anne Frank, a 15-year-old girl who kept a diary of events and her thoughts, was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam. (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)
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Today------Screenwriter David Seidler is 76, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 69 and Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 64.
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August 4th is: Coast Guard Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, Single Working Women's Day, Social Security Day, Friendship Day, National Doll Day, National Kids' Day and Sister's Day.
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Quip for the day........He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
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Larryj
Today's-------It's a pun day.......an old pun day......
So......Mary Poppins moves to California and starts a new business.
She doesn't want to be a babysitter anymore. She wants to be a fortuneteller.
She sets up shop in California, and hangs out a sign advertising her services as a fortuneteller.
She's not the usual kind of fortuneteller. She doesn't read palms or tea leaves. No, she smells a person's breath.
Her sign says........,
Wait for it........
"Super, California Mystic, Expert Halitosis."
(groan)
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Today is Monday, August 5, the 217th day of the year. There are 148 days left in the year.
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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Rear Admiral David G. Farragut led his fleet to victory in the Battle of Mobile Bay, Alabama.
In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.
In 1912, the Progressive Party, also known as the "Bull Moose Party," convened in Chicago. (The party was formed by former President Theodore Roosevelt following a split in the Republican Party.)
In 1914, the world's first electric traffic signal was put into place on the corner of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street in Cleveland, Ohio.
In 1957, "American Bandstand", hosted by Dick Clark, began national broadcasting on 67 ABC affiliates.
In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home. Police declared her death was caused by an overdose of prescription drugs.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan began firing 11,359 air-traffic controllers striking in violation of his order for them to return to work.
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Today-------Author Wendell Berry is 79, Actor John Saxon is 77, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Roman Gabriel is 73, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 73, Actress Loni Anderson is 68, Actress Erika Slezak is 67, Rock singer Rick Derringer is 66, and Actress Holly Palance is 63.
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August 5th is: Assistance Dog Day, National Oyster Day and National Underwear Day.
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Quip for the day......Laughing stock: n; def; Cattle with a sense of humor.
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Larryj
Today's----had to think about this one for a minute.......
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
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Today is August 6, the 218th day of the year. There are 147 days left in the year.
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In 1890, the first execution by electrocution in history was carried out against William Kemmler at Auburn Prison in New York.
In 1945, an American B-29 bomber, the Enola Gay, dropped the world's first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.
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Today---Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 76, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 75, Actress Louise Sorel is 73, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 70, Jazz guitarist Allan Holdsworth is 67, Actor Dorian Harewood is 63, Actress Catherine Hicks is 62, Director Chuck Russell is 61 and Guitarist Vinnie Vincent (KISS) is 61.
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August 6th is: Hiroshima Day, National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day, National Root Beer Float Day and National Night Out.
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Quip for the day.........Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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Larryj
Today's------on being male.....
Why It's Cool To Be Male
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
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Today is Wednesday, August 7, the 219th day of the year. There are 146 days left in the year.
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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and non-commissioned officers.
In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.
In 1912, former president Teddy Roosevelt was nominated for the presidency by the Progressive (Bull Moose) Party. He was defeated by Democrat Woodrow Wilson in the November election.
In 1942, U.S. and other allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II. (Japanese forces abandoned the island the following February.)
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Today-----Writer-producer Stan Freberg is 87, Former MLB pitcher Don Larsen is 84, Actress Verna Bloom is 74, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 71, Singer B.J. Thomas is 71, Actor Tobin Bell is 71, Singer Lana Cantrell is 70, Actor John Glover is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Alan Page is 68, Actor Holmes Osborne is 66 and Musician Rodney Crowell is 63.
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August 7th is: Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day, Professional Speakers Day and Purple Heart Day.
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Quip for the day.......I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid........but he says he can stop anytime.
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Larryj
Today's------funny......
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
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Today is Thursday, August 8, the 220th day of the year. There are 145 days left in the year.
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In 1911, President William Howard Taft signed a measure raising the number of U.S. Representatives from 391 to 433, with a proviso to add two more when New Mexico and Arizona became states.
In 1942, during World War II, six Nazi saboteurs who were captured after landing in the U.S. were executed in Washington, D.C.; two others who'd cooperated with authorities were spared.
In 1945, the United States dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed the United Nations Charter.
In 1974, the 37th president of the United States, Richard M. Nixon, officially resigned from office.
In 1988, the Chicago Cubs hosted the first night game at Wrigley Field. However, the majority of their games remain daytime games.
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Today------Actor Richard Anderson is 87, Actress Nita Talbot is 83, College football coach Jerry Tarkanian is 82, Singer Mel Tillis is 81, Producer-screenwriter Donald Bellisario is 78, Actress-singer Connie Stevens is 75, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Ken Dryden is 66, Actor Keith Carradine is 64 and Actor Danny Most is 60.
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August 8th is: The Day To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day and Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night.
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Quip for the day...........I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops.......
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed one more time, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
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Today is Friday, August 9, the 221st day of the year. There are 144 days left in the year.
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In 1936, at the Olympic games in Berlin, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal in the 4x100-meter relay.
In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.
In 1974, Vice President Gerald R. Ford became the nation's 38th chief executive as President Richard Nixon's resignation took effect.
In 1976, a category 3 hurricane, Belle, hit the East Coast killing 12 people and causing $24 million in damage from North Carolina to Vermont.
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Today-------------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 85, Former professional middleweight boxer Harold Johnson is 85, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Rod Laver is 75, Comedian-director David Steinberg is 71, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 70, Actor Sam Elliot is 69, Author Posy Simmons is 68, Science fiction author John Varley is 66, Novelist John Kellerman is 64 and College football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player John Cappelletti is 61.
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August 9th is: Kool-Aid Day (9-11), International Day Of The World's Indigenous People, Veep Day and Worldwide Art Day.
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Quip for the day........Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
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Larryj
Today's---------old, but funny.......
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
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Today is Saturday, August 10, the 222nd day of the year. There are 143 days left in the year.
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In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.
In 1821, Missouri became the 24th state of the Union.
In 1846, President James K. Polk signed the Smithsonian Institution Act.
In 1874, President Herbert Hoover was born in West Branch, Iowa.
In 1945, Japan accepted the terms of unconditional surrender one day after the bombing of Nagasaki.
In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.
In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their home by members of the Charles Manson cult.
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Today--------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 90, Actress Martha Hyer is 89, Actor-director Tom Laughlin is 82, Former MLB player Rocky Colavito is 80, Fashion designer Betsy Johnson is 71, Singer Ronnie Spector is 70, Actor James Reynolds is 67 and Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 66.
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August 10th is: National Duran Duran Day, National Garage Sale Day, Skyscraper Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.
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Quip for the day.......I once won an argument with a woman..........in this dream I had.
Bonus....Fun things to do today........Go to the Walmart parking lot and post stickers on windshields saying, "Sorry for the damage" and then watch people look all around their cars for damage.
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Larryj
Today's-------presidential joke day......
An old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
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Today is Sunday, August 11, the 223rd day of the year. There are 142 days left in the year.
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In 1806, while hunting for elk along the Missouri River, Meriwether Lewis was shot in the leg, probably by one of his own men.
In 1856, a hurricane hit the Louisiana coast, killing more than 400 people. Isle Derniere, a resort community, was totally submerged.
(Hurricanes were not named at that time.)
In 1860, the nation's first successful silver mill began operation near Virginia City, Nevada.
In 1909, the steamship SS Arapahoe became the first ship in North America to issue an S.O.S. distress signal, off North Carolina's Cape Hatteras.
In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island (a former military prison) in San Francisco Bay.
In 1965, the Watts Riot began in Los Angeles. Racially motivated, the riot lasted five days leaving 34 dead, 1032 injured, nearly 4000 arrested and $40 million in property destroyed.
In 1992, the Mall of America opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.
In 1994, Major League baseball players went on strike. The 1994 World Series was canceled.
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Today------Actress Arlene Dahl is 88, Actor Ian McDiarmid is 69, Magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant is 67, Country singer John Conlee is 67, Singer Eric Carmen is 64, Computer scientist and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is 63, Guitarist Bob Mothersbaugh (Devo) is 61 and Wrestler-actor Hulk Hogan is 60.
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August 11th is: Ingersoll Day, National Raspberry Bombe Day, Play In The Sand Day and Presidential Joke Day.
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Quip for the day......Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There is no need to remind him every six months.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"
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Today is Monday, August 12, the 224th day of the year. There are 141 days left in the year.
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In 1676, in colonial New England, King Philip's War came to an end when Philip, chief of the Wampanoag Indians, was assassinated by a Native American in the service of the English.
In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.
In 1912, Mack Sennett founded the Keystone Pictures Studio in Los Angeles.
In 1939, The Wizard of Oz, starring Judy Garland, premiered in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.
In 1964, British author and journalist Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond, died at age 56 in Kent, England.
In 1985, the world's worst single-aircraft disaster occurred as a Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 on a domestic flight crashed into a mountain, killing 520 people.
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Today--------Screenwriter William Goldman is 82, Actor George Hamilton is 74, Actress Dana Ivey is 72, All around good guy Larryj is 70 and Rock singer-musician Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 64.
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August 12th is: IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Sewing Machine Day, Vinyl Record Day and World Elephant Day.
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Quip for the day.......They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs. Kitkats, Mars Bars, Snickers.......
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Larryj
Happy Birthday Larryj.
Thanks, Dee Gee!
Today's------someone might not have heard this one........
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here, and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
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Today is Tuesday, August 13, the 225th day of the year. There are 140 days left in the year.
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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles, California.
In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.
In 1934, the satirical comic strip "Li'l Abner," created by Al Capp, made its debut.
In 1995, former New York Yankees star Mickey Mantle died from liver cancer at age 63.
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Today---------Actor Pat Harrington is 84, Actor Kevin Tighe is 69, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 66, Opera singer Kathleen Battle is 65 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Clarke is 64.
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August 13th is: International Left Handers Day.
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Quip for the day........The best thing about the good old days is that I wasn't good and I wasn't old.
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Larryj
Today's-------some old some new.....
Terrible puns......
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
Big difference. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Today is Wednesday, August 14, the 226th day of the year. There are 139 days left in the year.
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In 1848, the Oregon Territory was created.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.
In 1951, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst died in Beverly Hills, California, at age 88.
In 1997, Timothy McVeigh was formally sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing.
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Today-------Broadway lyricist Lee Adams ("Bye Bye Birdie") is 89, Singer Buddy Greco is 87, College football Hall-of-Famer John Brodie is 78, Rock singer David Crosby is 72, Country singer Connie Smith is 72, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 68, Actress Susan Saint James is 67, Actor Antonio Fargas is 67, Author Danielle Steel is 66, Cartoonist Gary Larson ("The Far Side") is 63 and Film composer James Horner is 60.
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August 14th is: National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.
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Quip for the day......There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
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Larryj
Love those puns!
Today's-------punny.....
A pirate captain was on the lookout for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.
Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
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Today is Thursday, August 15, the 227th day of the year. There are 138 days left in the year.
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In 1899, Henry Ford resigned his position as chief engineer at Edison Illuminating Company to concentrate on automobile production.
In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to traffic.
In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed in the Alaska Territory.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival opened in White Lake, a part of Bethel, New York.
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Today------Actress Rose Marie is 90, Actor Mike Connors is 88, Game show host Jim Lange is 81, Actress Pat Priest is 77, Author-Journalist Linda Ellerbee is 69, Songwriter Jimmy Webb is 67, Britain's Princess Anne is 63, Actress Tess Harper is 63 and Singer Billy Griffin (The Miracles) is 63.
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August 15th is: Best Friends Day and National Relaxation Day.
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Quip for the day.......A hangover is your body's way of saying "I told you to stay drunk."
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Larryj
Today's------cute joke day...
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screamed "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"
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Today is Friday, August 16, the 228th day of the year. There are 137 days left in the year.
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In 1858, a telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to President James Buchanan was transmitted over the recently laid trans-Atlantic cable.
In 1920, Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman was struck in the temple by a pitched ball. He died 12 hours later. This was the first and only death to occur as a result of a pitched ball in major league history.
In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York at age 53.
In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Inc.
In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tennessee, at age 42.
In 1987, a plane crash at Detroit Metropolitan Airport killed 156 people. A four-year-old girl was the sole survivor. The accident was caused by pilot error.
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Today-----Actress Ann Blyth is 85, Sportscaster Frank Gifford is 83, Actor Gary Clarke is 80, Actress Julie Newmar is 80, Actor John Standing is 79, Actress Lorraine Gary is 76, Movie director Bruce Beresford is 73, Actor John Challis is 71, Actor Bob Balaban is 68, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 67, Actor Reginald Veljohnson is 61, Songwriter Michael Lovesmith is 60 and TV personality Kathie Lee Gifford is 60.
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August 16th is: Joe Miller's Joke Day, Men's Grooming Day and National Airborne Day.
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Quip for the day......You know what I hate? Indian givers............no, wait. I take that back.
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Larryj
Today's-----uh oh......
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
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Today is Saturday, August 17, the 229th day of the year. There are 136 days left in the year.
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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat began heading up the Hudson River on its successful round trip between New York and Albany.
In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War, but the Confederates managed to hold on.
In 1933, Yankee's first baseman Lou Gherig played his 1,308th consecutive game breaking the old record held by Yankee Everett Scott.
In 1943, the Allied conquest of Sicily during World War II was completed as forces entered Messina.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival ended after three days of peace, love and rock and roll.
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Today----Actress Maureen O'Hara is 93, Actor Robert DeNiro is 70, Oracle founder Larry Ellison is 69, Actress Jennifer Rhodes is 66, Former NFL Isiah Robertson is 64, Actor Robert Joy is 62 and Former tennis player Guillermo Vilas is 61.
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August 17th is: International Geocaching Day, International Homeless Animals Day, Meaning of "Is" Day and National Thrift Shop Day.
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Quip for the day......The future is the time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
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Larryj
Today's-------old, but worth repeating....
Three buddies die in a car crash and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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Today is Sunday, August 18, the 230th day of the year. There are 135 days left in the year.
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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina. (However, the Roanoke colony ended up mysteriously disappearing.)
In 1846, U.S. forces led by Gen. Stephen W. Kearny captured Santa Fe, New Mexico.
In 1862, Dakota Indians began an uprising in Minnesota. The revolt was crushed by U.S. forces some six weeks later.
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was ratified by Tennessee.
__________________________________________________
Today------Former First Lady Rosalynn Carter is 86, Academy Award winning director Roman Polanski is 80, Former Olympic gold medalist Rafer Johnson is 78, Actor-director Robert Redford is 77, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 70 and Rock musician Dennis Elliott (Foreigner) is 63.
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August 18th is: Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, God's Preeminence Day, Mail Order Catalog Day, Serendipity Day and (World) Daffodil Day.
_________________________________________________
Quip for the day........God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
_________________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------uh oh.....
A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.
As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked, "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"
The man looked down his nose and replied, "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."
"Can you tell me where your library is at, jerk off?"
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Today is Monday, August 19, the 231st day of the year. There are 134 days left in the year.
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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat arrived in Albany, two days after leaving New York City.
In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere off Nova Scotia during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."
In 1909, the first race was held at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Louis Schwitzer won the two-lap five mile inaugural race.
In 1964, the Beatles opened their first concert tour of North America with a concert at the Cow Palace in San Francisco.
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Today------Actor L.Q. Jones is 86, Actress Debra Paget is 80, USTA Eastern Tennis Hall of Famer Renee Richards is 79, Former MLB All-Star Bobby Richardson is 78, Actress Diana Muldaur is 75, Rock musician (Cream, Blind Faith) is 74, Singer Johnny Nash is 73, Actress Jill St. John is 73, Singer Ian Gillan (Deep Purple) is 68, Former President Bill Clinton is 67, Actor Gerald McRaney is 66, Actor Jim Carter is 65, Bass player-composer John Deacon (Queen) is 62 and Actor Jonathan Frakes is 61.
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August 19th is: Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day, World Humanitarian Day and Cupcake Day.
______________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Some women are hard to please...........the rest are impossible!
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------------oopsies.........
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."
"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.
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Today is Tuesday, August 20, the 232nd day of the year. There are 133 days left in the year.
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In 1920, seven men, including legendary all-around athlete Jim Thorpe, met to organize a professional football league. The meeting led to the creation of the American Professional Football Conference (APFC.)
In 1975, Viking I was launched from Cape Canaveral on a mission to Mars.
In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a 12-inch copper phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of music and sounds of nature.
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Today-----Boxing promoter Don King is 82, Former U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Tex., is 78, Actor Sylvester McCoy is 70, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 67, Actor Ray Wise is 66, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 65, Actor John Noble is 65 and Actor Peter Horton is 60.
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August 20th is: National Radio Day, Pony Express Day, National Lemonade Day and Stay At Home With Your Kids Day.
_________________________________________________
Quip for the day......Remember "I" before "E" except in Budweiser.
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Larryj
Today's-----------hah........
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
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Today is Wednesday, August 21, the 233rd day of the year. There are 132 days left in the year.
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In 1831, Nat Turner led a violent slave rebellion in Virginia resulting in the deaths of at least 55 white people. He was later executed.
In 1858, the Lincoln-Douglas debates began.
In 1863, Pro-Confederate raiders attacked Lawrence, Kansas, massacring the men and destroying the town's buildings.
In 1897, Ransom Eli Olds of Lansing, Michigan, founded Olds Motor Works. It was later renamed Oldsmobile.
In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.
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Today-------Poet X.J. Kennedy is 84, Former football player Pete Retzlaff is 82, Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 81, Playwright Mart Crowley is 78, Singer Kenny Rogers is 75, Actor Clarence Williams III is 74, Rock musician James Burton is 74, Actress Loretta Devine is 64 and TV host-newsman Harry Smith is 62.
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August 21st is: Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.
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Quip for the day......Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
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Larryj
Today's-----hmmm.....
Democrats V. Republicans
What it all boils down to
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Give them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Today is Thursday, August 22, the 234th day of the year. There are 131 days left in the year.
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In 1787, inventor John Fitch showed off his steamboat on the Delaware River to Constitutional Convention delegates.
In 1846, Gen. Stephen W. Kearny proclaimed all of New Mexico a territory of the United States.
In 1851, the schooner America outraced more than a dozen British vessels off the English coast to win a trophy later called the America's Cup.
In 1950, Althea Gibson became the first African-American to compete in a U.S. National Tennis competition.
In 1989, Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers became the first pitcher in major league history to register 5,000 career strikeouts.
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Today-------Actress Honor Blackman is 88, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carl Yastrzemski is 74, Actress Valerie Harper is 74, Football coach Bill Parcells is 72, Journalist Steve Kroft is 68, Producer-director David Chase is 68 and Actress Cindy Williams is 66.
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August 22nd is: Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Be An Angel Day.
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Quip for the day.......It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."
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Larryj
Today's------good one.......
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'? I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Now, you can do what ever you want.' So here I am."
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Today is Friday, August 23, the 235th day of the year. There are 130 days left in the year.
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In 1775, Britain's King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in a state of "open and avowed rebellion."
In 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declared their independence as the state of Franklin. The counties later became part of Tennessee.
In 1904, Harold D. Weed of Canastota, New York, was issued U.S. Patent No. 768,495 for his "Grip-tread for pneumatic tires," a non-skid tire chain for automobiles.
In 1989, as punishment for betting on baseball, Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose accepted a settlement that included a lifetime ban from the game of baseball. He is not eligible for the Hall-of-Fame.
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Today-------Actress Vera Miles is 83, Actress Barbara Eden is 82, Political Satirist Mark Russell is 81, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgensen is 79, Country singer Rex Allen Jr. is 66, Actress Shelley Long is 64 and Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 64.
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August 23rd is: Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition, Hug Your Boss Day and Valentino Day.
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Quip for the day.....A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------another good one.....
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Today is Saturday, August 24, the 236th day of the year. There are 129 days left in the year.
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In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.
In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory. Also, Congress approved legislation establishing Parcel Post delivery by the U.S. Post Office Department.
In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, making her the first woman to fly solo, nonstop, from coast to coast.
In 1959, the North Atlantic Treaty came into force.
In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life for the murder of Beatle John Lennon.
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Today-------British actor Kenny Baker (R2-D2) is 79, Actress Ronee Blakely is 68, Rock musician Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep) is 68, Actress Anne Archer is 66, Astronaut Anna Lee Fisher is 64, Actor Joe Regalbuto is 64 and NFL coach Mike Shanahan is 61.
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August 24th is: Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day, William Wilberforce Day, National Waffle Day and International Bat Night (24-25.)
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Quip for the day........You know you are getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"
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Today is Sunday, August 25, the 237th day of the year. There are 128 days left in the year.
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In 1718, hundreds of French colonists arrive in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.
In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.
In 1939, The Wizard of Oz opened in theaters around the United States.
In 1985, New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden became the youngest 20-game winner in major league history.
In 2009, Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy died from brain cancer at his home in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, at age 77.
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Today---------Game show host Monte Hall is 92, Actor Sean Connery is 83, TV personality Regis Philbin is 82, Actor David Canary is 75, Author John Forsyth is 75, Movie director John Badham is 74, MLB player Rollie Fingers is 67, Rock singer Gene Simmons is 64 and Rock singer Rod Halford (Judas Priest) is 62.
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August 25th is: Founders Day (National Park Service), Go Topless Day, Kiss And Makeup Day, National Second-hand Wardrobe Day and National Whiskey Sour Day.
(Editor's note: I am truly sorry......but my sense of humor has me thinking.......we should go to a National Park, strip off our used clothing, have a few drinks and kiss and make up or whatever.....I'm bad.... ::))
____________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Most of us can keep a secret. It's the ones we tell it to who can't.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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Today is Monday, August 26, the 238th day of the year. There are 127 days left in the year.
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In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women's right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.
In 1939, the first televised major league baseball game was broadcast on station W2XB, later to become WNBC-TV. Announcer Red Barber called the game between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers.
In 1958, Alaskans went to the polls to overwhelmingly vote in favor of statehood.
In 1974, famed aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to accomplish a solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic, died in Maui, Hawaii, at age 72.
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Today-----Former Washington Post Executive Benjamin C. Bradlee is 92, NBA Hall-of-Famer Tom Heinsohn is 79, Punk Rock musician Jet Black (The Stranglers) is 75, Astronaut John Blaha is 71, Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is 68, Music composer Valerie Simpson is 67 and Author Carl Deuker is 63.
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August 26th is: National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day..........I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------cute......
Mom answered the door and greeted a neighbor lady who had dropped by for a visit. When there were sounds in the kitchen, the visitor paused, but Mom said, "Oh, don't bother about that. It must be little Suzy, my daughter."
Presently, Suzy walked into the room and presented two cups of hot tea on a tray. "Suzy, how wonderful!" her Mom gushed. "Thank you!"
The visitor took a sip of her tea and pronounced, "It's delicious. Thank you, Suzy."
Mom asked her daughter, "How on earth did you make tea? The strainer has been lost for days. Did you find it?"
Suzy replied, "No, I used the flyswatter!"
_____________________________________________
In 1776, the Battle of Long Island began during the Revolutionary War as British troops attacked American forces, who ended up being forced to retreat two days later.
In 1859, Edwin L. Drake drilled the first successful oil well in the United States, at Titusville, Pennsylvania.
In 1883, the island volcano Krakatoa erupted with a series of explosions; the tidal waves in Indonesia's Sunda Strait claimed some 36,000 lives in Java and Sumatra. The resulting ashes affected climates around the world.
In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead of an accidental drug overdose in his home in Sussex, England.
In 1982, Oakland Athletics outfielder Ricky Henderson stole his 119th base of the year breaking Hall-of-Famer Lou Brocks 1979 record.
_____________________________________________
Today-------Musician Daryl Dragon (The Captain and Tennille) is 71, Actress Tuesday Weld is 70, Actor G.W. Bailey is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 66 and Actor Paul Reubens is 61.
_____________________________________________
August 27th is: The Duchess Who Wasn't Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day.....These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says "For Fast Relief."
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------funny.....
An out of work mime is having a hard time making ends meet. One day, he goes to the zoo and begins doing his act. The people love him and after a while the zoo director calls him into the office. The director tells the mime that only yesterday the zoo's gorilla died and asks the mime he would put on a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla. The mime accepts because the pay is good and he just has to act like a gorilla in the cage.
The people love watching him, but after a while, the crowds begin to thin and most go to the cage next door to watch the lion. The mime can't afford to lose his job so he figures out how to climb above the cages over to the lion's cage. He sits on a beam and taunts the lion. The people love this new act and the zoo director calls the mime in and gives him a raise for his innovative thinking.
The mime continues this act and more and more people come to the zoo and the mime gets more raises.
One day, however, while on his perch above the lion, he slips and falls into the lion's cage. Terrified, he sees the lion getting ready to pounce. He runs and runs around the cage trying to get away from the lion. Finally, the lion pounces on him and he begins screaming for help. The lion says, "Shut up, you fool! You want to get us both fired?"
_____________________________________________
Today is Wednesday, August 28, the 240th day of the year. There are 125 days left in the year.
_____________________________________________
In 1607, English sea explorer Henry Hudson and his ship, the Half Moon, reached present-day Delaware Bay.
In 1862, the Second Battle of Bull Run (also known as Second Manassas) began in Prince William County, Virginia, during the Civil War. The result was a Confederate victory.
In 1922, the first-ever radio commercial aired on station WEAF in New York City; the ten minute advertisement was for the Queensboro Realty Co., which had paid a fee of $100.
In 1945, the Allies began occupying Japan at the end of World War II.
In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I have a dream" speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to about 250,000 people attending the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.
______________________________________________
Today-------Actor Ken Jenkins is 73, Former MLB player and manager Lou Piniella is 70, Actor David Soul is 70, Actress Alison Steadman is 67, Actress Debra Mooney is 66, Former MLB pitcher Ron Guidry is 63 and Poet Rita Dove is 61.
______________________________________________
August 28th is: Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.
______________________________________________
Quip for the day......Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
______________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------ouch.......
Tom was buying his wife a present. "How about some perfume?" he asked the sales clerk, who showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's too much," Tom said, waving it away. The clerk brought out a smaller bottle costing $30.
Tom frowned. "That's still a lot of money. What else do you have?" The clerk found a tiny bottle for $15.
Tom still fussed. "I'd like to see something really cheap," he said.
The clerk said, "Ah, yes, I have just the thing." She reached under the counter and handed him a.........
mirror.
____________________________________________
Today is Thursday, August 29, the 241st day of the year. There are 124 days left in the year.
____________________________________________
In 1862, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing began operations at the United States Treasury.
In 1944, 15,000 American troops marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall near New Orleans, Louisiana, as a category 4 hurricane.
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Today-----Director Lord Richard Attenborough is 90, Actress Betty Lynn is 87, Movie director William Friedkin is 78, Actor Elliott Gould is 75, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 74, Former White House Press Secretary James Brady is 73, TV personality Robin Leach is 72, Actor Ray Wise is 66, Formula One race car driver James Hunt is 66, Actress Deborah Van Valkenburgh is 61 and Author Karen Hesse is 61.
____________________________________________
August 29th is: According To Hoyle Day, Individual Rights Day, International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs Less Salt Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and XIV Paralympics Games 8/29-9/9.
____________________________________________
Quip for the day.....To err is human..........and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah............
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Both parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
____________________________________________
Today is Friday, August 30, the 242nd day of the year. There are 123 days left in the year.
____________________________________________
In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first-at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders. (The Tigers won, 5-3.)
In 1963, the U.S.-Soviet "hot line" went into operation. It was supposed to help speed up communications and help prevent the possibility of accidental war.
In 1965, New York Mets manager Casey Stengel, 75, announced his retirement from professional baseball ending his 56 year career.
In 1983, Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.
_____________________________________________
Today-------Actor Bill Daily is 86, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 74, Actor Ben Jones is 72, Cartoonist Robert Crumb is 70, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 70, Actress Peggy Lipton is 66, Comedian Lewis Black is 65, Actor Timothy Bottoms is 62 and Former NBA player Robert Parish is 60.
_____________________________________________
August 30th is: International Whale Shark Day, National College Colors Day, National Holistic Pet Day and National Toasted Marshmellows Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day........If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oh no........
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
_____________________________________________
Today is Saturday, August 31, the 243rd day of the year. There are 122 days left in the year.
_____________________________________________
In 1886, an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, South Carolina, killing at least 60 people, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.
In 1897, Thomas Edison received a patent for his movie camera, the Kinetograph.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an act prohibiting the export of U.S. arms to belligerents.
In 1941, the radio program "The Great Gildersleeve," a spinoff from "Fibber McGee and Molly" starring Harold Peary, debuted on NBC.
In 1959, Brooklyn Dodger left-hander Sandy Koufax struck out 18 batters setting a record for the most strikeouts in a National League game.
_____________________________________________
Today-------Japanese monster movie actor Katsumi Tezuka is 101, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 78, Australian actor Jack Thompson is 73, Pro golfer Isao Aoki is 71, Violinist Itzhak Periman is 68, Singer Van Morrison is 68, NFL coach Tom Coughlin is 67, Screenwriter Lowell Ganz is 65 and Actor Richard Gere is 64.
_____________________________________________
August 31st is: Franchise Appreciation Day and Love Litigating Lawyers Day.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day......My penmanship is nothing to write home about.
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------Ole and Lena day......
Ole wakes up one morning and turns on the radio. He hears that a snow emergency has been declared and residents should park their cars on the odd numbered side of the street. He thinks, "Oh, Jeez," and parks his car on the odd numbered side of the street.
The next day, Ole turns on the radio and hears that a snow emergency has been declared and that residents should park their cars on the even numbered side of the street. Again, he thinks, "Oh, Jeez," and parks his car on the even numbered side of the street.
The third day, Ole turns on the radio and hears that a snow emergency has been declared and that residents should park their cars on........and then the power went out. Ole says to Lena, "Oh, no! How am I going to know where to park the car?"
Lena says, "Oh, Ole, why don't you just leave it in the garage?"
_____________________________________________
Today is Sunday, September 1, the 244th day of the year. There are 121 days left in the year.
_____________________________________________
In 1807, Former Vice President Aaron Burr was found not guilty of treason. (He was then tried on a misdemeanor charge and again acquitted.
In 1894, the town of Hinckley, Minnesota, was destroyed by a forest fire. A total of 440 people died in the area.
In 1932, New York City Mayor James J. "Gentleman Jimmy" Walker resigned under charges of graft and corruption in his administration.
In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
In 1998, the Intermodal Surface Transportation Efficiency Act of 1991 finally went into effect. The law required that all cars and light trucks sold in the United States have air bags on both sides of the front seat.
_____________________________________________
Today-------Actor George Maharis is 85, Attorney and Law professor Alan Dershowitz is 75, Comedian-actress Lily Tomlin is 74, Soul singer Claudette Rogers Robinson is 71, Actor Don Stroud is 70, Singer Barry Gibb is 67, Actor James Rebhorn is 65 and Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 63.
_____________________________________________
September 1st is: Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, International Day of Awareness For the Dolphins of Taiji.
_____________________________________________
Quip for the day.........They say alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?
_____________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------smart kid......
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
_____________________________________________
Today is Monday, September 2, the 245th day of the year. There are 120 days left in the year.
_____________________________________________
In 1789, The United States Treasury Department was established.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman's forces occupied Atlanta.
In 1924, the Rudolf Friml operetta "Rose Marie" opened on Broadway.
In 1935, a Labor Day hurricane slammed into the Florida Keys.
In 1945, aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japan formally surrendered to the Allies ending World War II.
In 1969, America's first automatic teller machine made it's public debut, dispensing cash to customers at the Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York.
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Today-------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 94, Sportscaster Milo Hamilton is 86, Jazz composer Horace Silver is 85, Celebrity lawyer Robert Shapiro is 71, Pro and college football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 65, Former MLB player Lamar Johnson is 63, Lawyer and TV personality Harvey Levin is 63, Actor Mark Harmon is 62 and Pro Tennis player Jimmy Connors is 61.
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September 2nd is: Bison-ten Yell Day, V-J Day and Labor Day.
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Quip for the day.....My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've arranged to be buried at sea.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one.....
Three old geezers in their 90's are jawboning in the park one day. They get on the subject of death and dying.
"Just run me over with a truck," one of them says. "That's the way I want to go. Nice and fast."
The second one says, "Not me. I'll just swim out into the ocean and nobody will ever see me again. No muss, no fuss."
The third one sits silently with a dreamy smile on his face. The first two prod him. "How about you, Ernie? How do you want to go?"
Ernie replies, "I want to be shot by a jealous husband."
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Today is Tuesday, September 3, the 246th day of the year. There are 119 days left in the year.
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In 1777, The American flag was flown in battle for the first time during a Revolutionary War skirmish at Cooch's Bridge, Delaware.
In 1783, the U.S. and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.
In 1943, Allied forces invaded Italy, the same day Italian officials signed a secret armistice with the Allies.
In 1976, Viking 2 touched down on Mars to take the first color photos of the planet's surface.
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Today------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 90, Actress Anne Jackson is 87, Actress Irene Papas is 87, NBA coach Dick Motta is 82, Actress Pauline Collins is 73, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 71, Actress Valerie Perrine is 70, Rock musician Don Brewer is 65 and Author Kate White is 62.
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September 3rd is: Another Look Unlimited Day.
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Quip for the day......How many roads must a man travel down.........before he admits he is lost.
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Larryj
Today's----------uh oh......
The Missionary and the Chief
A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
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Today is Wednesday, September 4, the 247th day of the year. There are 118 days left in the year.
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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under Gov. Felipe de Neve.
In 1886, Apache chief Geronimo surrendered to U.S. Government troops making him the last Indian warrior to give in to U.S. forces.
In 1888, George Eastman received a patent for his roll-film box camera, and registered his trademark: "Kodak."
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman spoke to the nation from the Japanese peace treaty conference in San Francisco, in the first live, coast-to-coast TV broadcast.
In 1957, Ford Motor Company unveiled the Edsel. It ceased production after the 1960 model was built.
In 1962, The Beatles, with new drummer Ringo Starr, recorded "Love Me Do" at EMI Studios in London.
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Today-------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 82, Olympic gold medal swimmer Dawn Fraser is 76, Actor Kenneth Kimmins is 72, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 71, Actress Jennifer Salt is 69, Jazz musician Dave Liebman is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 64, Former MLB player Frank White is 63 and Actress Judith Ivey is 62.
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September 4th is: Newspaper Carrier Day and Rosh Hashana.
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Quip for the day........There are only two times when I drink......when I'm alone or when I'm with someone.
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Larryj
Today's--------someone, somewhere hasn't heard this one.....
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
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Today is Thursday, September 5, the 248th day of the year. There are 117 days left in the year.
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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.
In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.
In 1957, the novel "On The Road," by Jack Kerouac, was first published by Viking Press.
In 1972, terror struck the Munich Olympics as the Palestinian group Black September attacked the Israeli Olympic delegation; 11 Israelis, five guerillas and a police officer were killed.
In 1975, an assassination attempt against President Gerald R. Ford was foiled when a Secret Service agent grabbed a loaded gun from Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme in Sacramento, California.
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Today-----Comedian Bob Newhart is 84, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 81, MLB Hall-of-Famer Bill Mazeroski is 77, Actor William Devane is 74, Actress Raquel Welch is 73, Movie director Werner Herzog is 71, Singer Al Stewart is 68, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 67, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 63 and Actor Michael Keaton is 62.
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September 5th is: Be Late For Something Day and Jury Rights Day.
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Quip for the day......Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
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Larryj
Today's------oh no.......
A woman, pregnant with her first child, goes for her doctor's appointment. After the exam is over, she shyly begins to ask, "My husband wants to know.........
"I know, I know," says the doctor. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is okay until late into the pregnancy."
"No," the woman says. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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Today is Friday, September 6, the 249th day of the year. There are 116 days left in the year.
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In 1620, Pilgrims sailed on the Mayflower from Plymouth, England, to settle in the New World.
In 1901, President William McKinley was shot by an anarchist and died eight days later.
In 1943, a high speed train traveling between New York City and Washington, D.C., derailed killing 79 people.
In 1995, Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. played his 2,131st consecutive game breaking "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig's record for most consecutive games played.
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Today-----Comedian Joanne Worley is 76, Country singer David Allan Coe is 74, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 70, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 69, Comedian-actress Jane Curtain is 66 and Country singer-songwriter Buddy Miller is 61.
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September 6th is: National Lazy Mom's Day.
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Quip for the day....So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world!
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Larryj
Today's--------blonde joke day........
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the economy section since she didn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so ?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her.
The captain replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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And to be fair.....
A neighbor living next door to a blonde guy told him that he should close his curtains when he and his wife are making love. She told him the whole neighborhood could see them and were joking and laughing at him while they were watching.
The blonde guy says, "Yeah? Well, the joke is on you. I wasn't even home last night!"
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Today is Saturday, September 7, the 250th day of the year. There are 115 days left in the year.
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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, the American submersible craft Turtle attempted to attach a time bomb to the hull of the British ship Eagle in New York Harbor. It was the first use of a submarine in warfare.
In 1825, the Marquis de Lafayette, the French hero of the American Revolution, bade farewell to President John Quincy Adams at the White House.
In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.
In 1921, The San Antonio River flooded killing 51 people and causing millions of dollars in damages. The flood was caused by some of the heaviest rainfall ever recorded in Texas.
In 1977, President Jimmy Carter signed a treaty that gave Panama control over the Panama Canal beginning in 2000.
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Today--------Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 83, Actress Susan Blakely is 65, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 64, Author-journalist Peggy Noonan is 63, Actress Julie Kavner is 62 and Singer-songwriter Chrissie Hynde is 62.
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September 7th is: Google Commemoration, Grandma Moses Day, "Neither snow nor Rain" Day and Salami Day.
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Quip for the day......It matters not whether you win or lose..........it matters whether I win or lose.
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Larryj
Today's------bad......
A woman has a C-section and is asleep. When she comes to, she asks to see her new child. The doctor tells her that there is a problem with the child. He says, "I'm sorry, but your child was born with no legs." The woman says, "Oh, dear. Well, he is my child and I love him, regardless."
The doctor says, "That's not all. He also has no arms or hands." She says, "Oh, no! But, he is my child and I will love him, regardless."
The doctor says, "Sadly, I have to tell you that, in fact, he has no face, nose or mouth. He is just a very, very big ear." The woman gasped, "Oh, no! Can you bring him to me so I can see him?" The doctor brings her the child.
She holds him and says to him, "Son, it's your mommy. Can you hear me?"
The doctor says, "No need to say anything to him, he's deaf, too."
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Today is Sunday, September 8, the 251st day of the year. There are 114 days left in the year.
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In 1565, a Spanish expedition established the first permanent European settlement in North America at St. Augustine, Florida.
In 1664, following the capture of New Amsterdam by the English, it was renamed New York in honor of the Duke of York.
In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.
In 1943, during World War II, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower announced Italy's surrender. Nazi Germany denounced Italy's decision as a cowardly act.
In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard Nixon.
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Today------Comedian Sid Caesar is 91, Country songwriter Harlan Howard is 86, Blues guitarist Guitar Shorty is 74, Children's poet Jack Prelutsky is 73, Actor Alan Feinstein is 72, Former NHL goaltender Rogie Vachon is 68, NFL Hall-of-Famer Lem Barney is 68 and Author Ann Beattie is 66.
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September 8th is: International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Literacy Day, National Grandparents Day, National Hug Your Hound Day, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurse's Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day.
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Quip for the day.......Whenever I start to feel blue, I start breathing again.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:
"-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Today is Monday, September 9, the 252nd day of the year. There are 113 days left in the year.
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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."
In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.
In 1942, a Japanese floatplane dropped incendiary bombs on an Oregon state forest. It was the only air attack on the U.S. mainland during the war.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since Reconstruction.
In 1965, Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Sandy Koufax pitched the eighth perfect game in major league history.
In 1971, prisoners rioted and seized control of the maximum security Attica Correctional Facility.
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Today------Actress Sylvia Miles is 79 (not proven), Actor Topol is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Luther Simmons is 71, Singer Inez Foxx is 71, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 68, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 67, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 64, Actor-singer Tom Wopat is 62 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 61.
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September 9th is: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day, National Boss/Employee Exchange Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.
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Quip for the day.......It's scary when in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
Bonus------When I was young, I used to skinny dip. Now I chunky dunk.
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Larryj
Today's------a few short ones.......
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
___________________
Good news, Bad news, Worse news......
Good news: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad news: You find x-rated movies hidden in his room.
Worse news: You're in them.
___________________
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."
Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
___________________
A man was complaining to his friend. "I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, the POW! it was all gone."
"What happened?" said the friend.
"My wife found out."
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Today is Tuesday, September 10, the 253rd day of the year. There are 112 days left in the year.
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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.
In 1912, the jungle character Tarzan made his debut as "Tarzan of the Apes" by Edgar Rice Burroughs. It was first published in The All-Story magazine.
In 1962, the U.S. Supreme Court ordered the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith, a black student.
In 1993, "The X-Files" premiered on Fox television.
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Today----------Golfer Arnold Palmer is 84, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 82, Singer Jose Feliciano is 68, Actress Judy Geeson is 65, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 64, Rock musician Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 63 and Actress Amy Irving is 60.
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September 10th is: Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.
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Quip for the day........Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect"....is about to insult you.
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Larryj
Today's--------oldie, but a favorite....
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Today is Wednesday, September 11, the 254th day of the year. There are 111 days left in the year.
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In 1777, during the American Revolution, forces under Gen. George Washington were defeated by the British in the Battle of Brandywine.
In 1941, groundbreaking took place for the Pentagon.
In 1985, Cincinnati Reds player-manager Pete Rose got his 4,192nd hit of his career breaking Ty Cobbs record.
In 2011, America faced its worst day of terrorism. Nearly 3,000 people were killed as 19 al-Qaida members hijacked four passenger planes. Two planes smashed into New York's World Trade Center, one plowed into the Pentagon and the fourth crashed into a field in western Pennsylvania.
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Today--------Actress Betty Drake is 90, Songwriter Alan Bergman is 88, Actor Earl Holliman is 85, Movie director Brian De Palma is 73, Comedian Tom Dreeson is 71, Singer-dancer Lola Falana is 71, Rock musician Mickey Hart (Grateful Dead) is 70, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 68, Actress Amy Madigan is 63 and Rock singer Tommy Shaw (Styx) is 60.
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September 11th is: Odd Day, Libraries Remember Day, National Day Of Service And Remembrance, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day......You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to start all over again.
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Larryj
Today's------------funny.....
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
_____________________________________________
Today is Thursday, September 12, 255th day of the year. There are 110 days left in the year.
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In 1913, Olympic legend Jesse Owens was born in Oakville, Alabama.
In 1953, Sen. John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee Bouvier.
In 1972, after nearly 40 years of riding across millions of TV and movie screens, the cowboy actor William Boyd, best known as Hopalong Cassidy, died at age 77.
In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jamison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese national to fly on a U.S. spaceship.
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Today--------Actor Dickie Moore ("Our Gang") is 88, Actor Freddie Jones is 86, Actor Ian Holm is 82, Actress Linda Gray is 73, MLB All-Star pitcher Mickey Lolich is 73, Singer Maria Muldaur is 71, Actor Joe Pantoliano is 62, Rock musician Neil Peart (Rush) is 61 and Rock musician Gerry Beckley (America) is 61.
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September 12th is: Video Games Day and International Day For South-South Cooperation.
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Quip for the day.....Some people grow up and spread cheer......others just grow up and spread.
I may be getting older, but I still got it. Unfortunately, nobody wants to see it.
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Larryj
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Today's--------hah..........
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Today is Friday, September 13, the 256th day of the year. There are 109 days left in the year.
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In 1788, The Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election and declared New York City the temporary capital.
In 1814, Francis Scott Key penned a poem which was later set to music and in 1931 became America's national anthem "The Star-Spangled Banner."
In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army.
In 1970, the first New York City Marathon was held.
In 1971, after four days the prisoner riot at Attica Prison came to a violent end as law enforcement officers opened fire killing 29 inmates and 10 hostages.
In 1998, George Wallace, one of the most controversial politicians in U.S. history, died in Montgomery, Alabama, at age 79.
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Today-----Actress Barbara Bain is 82, TV producer Fred Silverman is 76, Actor Richard Kiel is 74, Musician David Clayton-Thomas (Blood Sweat and Tears) is 72, Olympics gymnastics coach Bela Karolyi is 71, Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 69, Rock musician Peter Cetera (Chicago) is 69, Actress Jean Smart is 62 and Singer Randy Jones (The Village People) is 61.
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September 13th is: Blame Someone Else Day, International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day, National Celiac Awareness Day, National Peanut Day, Roald Dahl Day, Stand Up To Cancer Day and Yom Kippur.
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Quip for the day......You've never been truly drunk until you have had to use the bar stool as a walker to get home.
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Larryj
Today's-------oldie....
A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had grown tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for their honeymoon home. They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THAT'S ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on their way. They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THAT'S TWO". He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on their way. After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle. He walked up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying, "THAT'S THREE". He turned to the wagon only to hear his new bride say, "Why in the hell did you do that for? Now we have to walk". The rancher said to the woman, "THAT'S ONE".
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Today is Saturday, September 14, the 257th day of the year. There are 108 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the first naval battle of the Civil War took place as the USS Colorado sank the Confederate private schooner Judah.
In 1901, President William McKinley died in New York of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice-President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.
In 1975, Elizabeth Ann Seton was canonized by Pope Paul VI becoming the first American-born Catholic Saint.
In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, the American-born former film star Grace Kelly, died at age 52 from injuries sustained in an auto accident.
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Today-----Actress Zoe Caldwell is 80, Actor Walter Koenig is 77, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Larry Brown is 73, Entertainer Joey Heatherton is 69, Rock musician Bowzer (Sha Na Na) is 66, Actor Sam Neill is 66 and Actor Robert Wisdom is 60.
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September 14th is: Farmer's Consumer Awareness Day and National Kreme Filled Donut Day.
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Quip for the day....One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one....
THE U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too corporate, and because I thought, Hey, I like to swim...Why not?
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like deck, bulkhead, cover, and head, when I really mean floor, wall, hat, and toilet. I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found colleagues.
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:______________
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Today is Sunday, September 15, the 258th day of the year. There are 107 days left in the year.
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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.
In 1789, the U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs was renamed the Department of State.
In 1858, the new Overland Mail Company sent out its two stages inaugurating government mail service between the eastern and western regions of the nation.
In 1862, Confederate forces captured Harper's Ferry, Virginia, during the Civil War.
In 1887, the city of Philadelphia launched a three-day celebration of the 100th anniversary of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1958, a commuter train plunged off a bridge into Newark Bay in New Jersey killing 47 passengers.
In 1963, a bomb exploded during Sunday morning services in the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, killing four young girls.
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Today-----Actor Forrest Compton is 88, Comedian Norm Crosby is 86, Actor Henry Silva is 85, Actor Henry Darrow is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 75, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 68, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 67, Movie director Oliver Stone is 67, College and Pro football coach Pete Carroll is 62 and Musician Jerome Youngman is 62.
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September 15th is: Felt Hat Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy, International Dot Day and LGBT Center Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Larryj
Today's-------oh no......
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
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Today is Monday, September 16, the 259th day of the year. There are 106 days left in the year.
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In 1620, the Mayflower departed from Plymouth, England, with 102 passengers bound for Virginia. Stormy weather and navigational errors forced it off course landing in present-day Massachusetts on November 21.
In 1893, the largest land run in history began with more than 100,000 people pouring into the Cherokee Strip in Oklahoma.
In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.
In 1919, the American Legion received a charter from Congress.
In 1987, two dozen countries signed the Montreal Protocol, a treaty designed to save the Earth's ozone layer by calling on nations to cut chemical emissions by 2000.
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Today------Actress Janis Paige is 91, Actress Lauren Bacall is 89, Blues singer B.B. King is 88, Actor Morgan Woodward is 88, Actor George Chakiris is 79, Former NBA player Elgin Baylor is 79, Actress Linda Miller is 71, Musician Kenney Jones (Faces) is 65, Author Julia Donaldson is 65, Actress Susan Ruttan is 65, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 64 and Actor Christopher Rich is 60.
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September 16th is: Anne Bradstreet Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.
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Quip for the day.........Some people are discovered, others are found out.
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Larryj
Today's-----------good one...
There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"
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Today is September 17, the 260th day of the year. There are 105 days left in the year.
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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
In 1862, during the Civil War, Union and Confederate forces clashed near Maryland's Antietam Creek in the bloodiest one-day battle in American history.
In 1937, the likeness of President Abraham Lincoln's head was dedicated at Mount Rushmore.
In 1972, the Korean War comedy-drama "M-A-S-H" premiered on CBS.
In 1976, NASA publicly unveiled its first space shuttle, the Enterprise, during a ceremony at Palmdale, California.
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Today------Actor David Huddleston is 83, Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell is 83, MLB All-Star Orlando Cepeda is 76, Retired Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter is 74, Basketball Hall-or-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 68, Singer Fee Waybill is 63, Actress Cassandra Peterson ("Elvira, Mistress of the Dark") is 62 and Comedian Rita Rudner is 60.
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September 17th is: Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day.
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Quip for the day.......It's good to question authority, just not mine.
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Larryj
Today's------entitled "You can't win"......
A farmer and his boy were taking a mule to the market. The man sat on the mule and the boy walked. People along the way said things like, "Look at that, a big strong man sitting on a mule while the little boy has to walk."
The father dismounted and the son took his place on the mule. They started hearing on-lookers say things like, "That poor man has to walk when he has a mule?"
Next, both father and son were on the mule's back, but then they heard people say things like, "How cruel. Two people sitting on one mule!"
Off they jumped, but now bystanders starting saying things like, "How crazy is that? The mule has nothing on his back and two people are walking."
Finally, father and son were carrying the mule!
They never made it to market.
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Today is Wednesday, September 18, the 261st day of the year. There are 104 days left in the year.
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In 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone to the United States Capitol building. It would take nearly a century to complete.
In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made it's on-air debut with 16 radio stations.
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
In 1975, Newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1996, Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens struck out 20 Detroit Tigers tying his own major league record for most strikeouts in a game.
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Today-------Voice actress June Foray is 96, Actor Robert Blake is 80, Actor Fred Willard is 74, Singer Frankie Avalon is 73, Actor Billy Drago is 67, Musician Kerry Livgren (Kansas) is 64 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 63.
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September 18th is: Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, National HIV/AIDS And Aging Awareness Day, National Rehabilitation Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.
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Quip for the day.......Life is like a doughnut. Either you're in the dough or you're in the hole.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.........
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Today is Thursday, September 19, the 262nd day of the year. There are 103 days left in the year.
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In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.
In 1881, eighty days after being shot in Washington, D.C., President James A. Garfield died from his wounds.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.
In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named Rainier, in the Nevada desert.
In 1970, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.
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Today-----TV host James Lipton is 87, Actor Adam West is 85, Actor David McCallum is 80, Singer Bill Medley is 73, Songwriter Paul Williams is 73, Singer Freda Payne is 71, MLB Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan is 70, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 68, Singer-songwriter David Bromberg is 68, Actor Jeremy Irons is 65, Fashion model Leslie Twiggy Lawson is 64, TV personality Joan Lunden is 63 and Musician Nile Rodgers (CHIC; The Honeydrippers) is 61.
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September 19th is: Talk Like A Pirate Day.
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Quip for the day.....Therapy is expensive. bubble wrap is cheap.............you choose.
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Larryj
Today's-----oops......
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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Today is September 20, the 263rd day of the year. There are 102 days left in the year.
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In 1806, after nearly two-and-a-half years spent exploring the Western wilderness, Lewis and Clark arrived at La Charette, the first white settlement they had seen since the beginning of their exploration.
In 1873, panic swept the floor of the New York Stock Exchange in the wake of railroad bond defaults and bank failures.
In 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was stabbed during a book signing in New York City by Izola Curry, who was later found mentally incompetent.
In 1973, in a highly publicized "Battle Of The Sexes" tennis match, top women's player Billie Jean King, 29, beat Bobby Riggs, 55, a former No.1 ranked men's player.
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Today------Singer Gogi Grant is 89, Actress Anne Meara is 84, Actress Sophia Loren is 79, NHL right-winger Guy Lafleur is 62 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 62.
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September 20th is: Clean Up The World Weekend (20-22), National POW/MIA Recognition Day and National Tradesmen Day.
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Quip for the day.......A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.
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Larryj
Today's----funny.......
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor: the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow, say the women! Very tempting, but, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."
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Today is Saturday, September 21, the 264th day of the year. There are 101 days left in the year.
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In 1897, the New York Sun ran its famous editorial written anonymously by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
In 1938, a hurricane struck parts of New York and New England, killing 700 people.
In 1981, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Steve Carlton struck out the 3,118th batter of his career breaking Bob Gibson's National League record for career strikeouts.
In 1989, Hurricane Hugo crashed into Charleston, South Carolina. The storm directly caused 26 deaths.
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Today-------Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 79, Former NBA coach Doug Moe is 75, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 70, Songwriter-guitarist Don Felder (The Eagles) is 66, Author Stephen King is 66 and Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 63.
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September 21st is: Big Whopper Liar Day, Boys' And Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Day Of Peace, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day Of Play, Puppy Mill Awareness Day, Responsible Dog Ownership Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.
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Quip for the day............I have invented a substance that can eat through anything. The problem? How to store it.
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Larryj
Today's-----through a child's eyes........
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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Today is Sunday, September 22, the 265th day of the year. There are 100 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Nathan Hale was hanged as a spy by the British during the Revolutionary War.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation establishing the Peace Corps as a permanent government agency.
In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford in San Francisco.
In 1993, an Amtrak train headed to Miami derailed near Mobile, Alabama, killing 47 people.
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Today-------Baseball Hall-of-Fame manager Tommy Lasorda is 86, Singer-songwriter-actress Toni Basil is 70, Actor Paul LeMat is 68 and Rock musician David Cloverdale (Deep Purple) is 62.
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September 22nd is: AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, American Business Women's Day, Autumnal Equinox at 4:44 EDT, Car Free Day, Dear Diary Day, Elephant Appreciation Day, Hobbit Day, Ice Cream Cone Day, International Day Of Radiant Peace, National Centenarians Day, National White Chocolate Day and Wife Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day......I went to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't see any.
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Larryj
Today's-----oh no..........
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Today is Monday, September 23, the 266th day of the year. There are 99 days left in the year.
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In 1779, during the Revolutionary War, the U.S. ship Bonhomme Richard, commanded by John Paul Jones, defeated the British ships, the Serapis and the Countess of Scarborough off the English coast.
In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.
In 1875, Billy the Kid was arrested for the first time --- for stealing a basket of laundry.
In 1952, California Sen. Richard M. Nixon appeared on TV to refute allegations of improper campaign fundraising. The address became known as the "Checkers" speech because of Nixon's reference to his dog, Checkers.
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Today-------Actor Mickey Rooney is 93, Actor Tom Lester is 75, Singer Julio Iglesias is 70, Actor Paul Peterson is 68, Actress Mary Kay Place is 66, Rock musician Neal Smith is 66, Rock musician Bruce Springsteen is 64 and Actress Rosalind Chao is 60.
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September 23rd is: Innergize Day and Restless Legs Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.....I am not honking because I love Jesus, I'm honking because you are an idiot driver.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah...
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. Jeff asks, "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you are!"
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Today is Tuesday, September 24, the 267th day of the year. There are 98 days left in the year.
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In 1789, Congress passed the Judiciary Act, which provided for an attorney-general and a Supreme Court.
In 1890, faced with the eminent destruction of their church and way of life, Mormon leaders reluctantly issued the "Mormon Manifesto" in which they commanded all Latter-day Saints to uphold the anti-polygamy laws of the nation.
In 1929, Lt. James H. Doolittle guided a biplane in New York in the first all-instrument flight.
In 1955, President Dwight D. Eisenhower suffered a heart attack.
In 1961, "Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color" premiered on NBC.
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Today-------Actor-singer Herb Jeffries is 102, Singer-actress Sheila Macrae is 89, Rock musician Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 71, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 68, Former NFL player Joe Green is 67, Screenwriter-director Pedro Almodovar is 64 and Former U.S. Rep. Joseph Kennedy, D-Mass., is 61.
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September 24th is: Punctuation Day, Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving, National Voter Registration Day and National Woman Road Warrior Day.
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Quip for the day.....At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I DID NOT commit.
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Larryj
Today's----funny......
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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Today is Wednesday, September 25, the 268th day of the year. There are 97 days left in the year.
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In 1775, American Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen was captured by the British as he led an attack on Montreal.
In 1789, the first Congress of the United States approved the Amendments to the U.S. Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification.
In 1911, ground was broken for Boston's Fenway Park.
In 1957, under escort from the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division, nine black students entered all-white Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas.
In 1978, a Pacific Southwest Airlines jet collided in mid-air with a small Cessna over San Diego killing 153 people.
In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.
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Today--------Broadcast journalist Barbara Walters is 84, Musician-composer Ian Tyson (Ian and Silvia) is 80, Actor Josh Taylor is 70, Actor Robert Walden is 70, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 69, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 66, Actor Anson Williams is 64, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 64, NBA Hall-of-Famer Bob McAdoo is 62 and Actor Mark Hamill is 62.
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September 25th is: (World) Ataxia Awareness Day, Family Day - A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Kids, Math Story Telling Day, National One-Hit Wonder Day and National Women's Health And Fitness Day.
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Quip for the day......I know I'm getting old....last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
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Larryj
Yesterday's-------funny....
A guy goes into a bar and notices a gorgeous woman at the other end of the bar. He is totally smitten by her beauty and tries to think of a way to meet her. Finally, he asks the bartender if he has any Spanish fly. The bartender goes in the back and comes back and tells the guy that they are out of Spanish fly, but they have Jewish fly which is even more effective and the cost is $10.
The guy agrees to pay the money and has the bartender mix her a drink and put the Jewish fly in it. The bartender does just that and serves the drink to the woman telling her it is from the gentleman at the other end of the bar. She looks over at him with disinterest and drinks her drink.
After about twenty minutes, she looks over at him again and slides off her barstool. She saunters over to him, oozing sensuality, smiling and puts her arms around him and whispers in his ear........
"Hey, handsome, wanna go shopping?"
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Yesterday was Thursday, September 26, the 269th day of the year. There were 96 days left in the year.
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In 1777, British troops occupied Philadelphia during the American Revolution.
In 1870, the great pioneering frontiersman Daniel Boone died in his sleep near present-day Defiance, Missouri, at age 86.
In 1937, the radio drama "The Shadow," starring Orson Welles, premiered on the Mutual Broadcasting System.
In 1945, Lt. Col. Peter Dewey, a U.S. Army officer with the OSS in Vietnam, was shot and killed in Saigon becoming the first American soldier to die in Vietnam.
In 1969, the family comedy series "The Brady Bunch" premiered on ABC-TV.
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Yesterday-------Actor Philip Bosco was 93, Actress Donna Douglas was 81, Actor Jonathan Goldsmith was 75, Actor Kent McCord was 71, Actress Mary Beth Hurt was 67, Country singer Lynn Anderson was 66 and Singer Olivia Newton-John was 65.
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September 26th was: Johnny Appleseed Day, Shamu The Whale Day and World Maritime Day.
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Quip for the day............My mind works like lightning........one brilliant flash and then it's gone.
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Larryj
Today's----old, and funny......
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"
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Today is Friday, September 27, the 270th day of the year. There are 95 days left in the year.
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In 1779, John Adams was named by Congress to negotiate the Revolutionary War's peace terms with Britain.
In 1864, a guerilla band led by William "Bloody Bill" Anderson sacked the town of Centralia, Missouri, killing 22 unarmed Union soldiers and slaughtering nearly 100 pursuing troops.
In 1941, on "Liberty Fleet Day," the United States launched 14 military cargo vessels, including the first Liberty ship, which was personally launched by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
In 1964, the report of the Warren Commission was released, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald was alone in assassinating President John F. Kennedy.
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Today------Actress Jayne Meadows is 93, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 80, Actor Wilford Brimley is 79, Actor Claude Jarman Jr. is 79, Author Barbara Howard is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 74, Rock musician Randy Bachman is 70, Actress-comedian Liz Torres is 66, Singer Meat Loaf is 66, Former baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 64 and Actress Gail Edwards is 61.
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September 27th is: Ancestor Appreciation Day, Gay Men's HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Google's Birthday, Hug A Vegetarian Day, Save The Koala Day and World Tourism Day.
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Quip for the day......The reason men lie is because women ask too many questions.
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Larryj
Today's--------funny......
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme and her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Today is Saturday, September 28, the 271st day of the year. There are 94 days left in the year.
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In 1542, Portuguese navigator Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego.
In 1781, American forces in the Revolutionary War began their siege of Yorktown, Virginia.
In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation voted to send the just-completed Constitution of the United States to state legislatures for their approval.
In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.
In 1991, jazz trumpet legend Miles Davis died in a California hospital at the age of 65.
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Today-------Actress Brigitte Bardot is 79, Singer Ben E. King is 75, Actor Joel Higgins is 70, Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 63, Actress Paulette Washington is 63 and Singer Jim Diamond is 60.
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September 28th is: Family Health And Fitness Day, Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Fish Amnesty Day, International Lace Day, Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs), Love Note Day, National Hunting And Fishing Day, National Good Neighbor Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, R.E.A.D. In America Day, World Heart Day and World Rabies Day.
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Quip for the day.........A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
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Larryj
Today's--------planning ahead......
One rainy evening, my husband and I emerged from a restaurant, only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.
He then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a coat hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open, and we climbed in.
As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."
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Today is Sunday, September 29, the 272nd day of the year. There are 93 days left in the year.
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In 1780, British spy and accomplice of Benedict Arnold, John Andre was court-martialed, found guilty and sentenced to death.
In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.
In 1907, "The Singing Cowboy" Gene Autry was born near Tioga, Texas. He died on October 2, 1998.
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Today----Actress Lizabeth Scott is 92, Former NFL coach Bum Phillips is 90, Actress Anita Ekberg is 82, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 78, Jazz-rock violinist Jean Luc Ponty is 71, Actor Ian McShane is 71, Television-film composer Mike Post is 69, Actress Patricia Hodge is 67, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 65, Gutarist Mark Karner (Grand Funk Railroad) is 65 and Actor Drake Hogestyn is 60.
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September 29th is: Gold Star Mother's Day, MAGS Day, National Attend Your Grandchild's Birth Day, International Coffee Day and VFW Day.
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Quip for the day.....Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Larryj
Today's------old favorite......
A guy suspects that his wife is having an affair. So one day during lunch, he goes home to find his wife half nude in bed. He becomes angry and starts tearing the apartment apart looking for his wife's lover. He throws furniture around, looks under beds and throws all the clothes out of the closets. Not finding anyone, he becomes really frustrated and in a fit of real anger, grabs the refrigerator and heaves it off the balcony of their third story apartment. In doing this, he has a heart attack and dies.
He arrives at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he died. He relates the story of his anger and the heavy exertion he used in searching the apartment and throwing the refrigerator off the balcony and that he had a heart attack and died. St. Peter tells him to go on into Heaven.
A little while later, another guy shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he died. He replied that he was sitting in his car in front of his apartment building when a refrigerator crashed on his car crushing him and he died instantly. St. Peter tells him to go on into Heaven.
Still later, another guy who is nude shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asks him how he died. The guy says, "You're not going to believe this one. I was hiding inside this refrigerator......"
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Today is Monday, September 30, the 273rd day of the year. There are 92 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the Continental Congress, forced to flee in the face of advancing British forces, moved to York, Pennsylvania.
In 1927, Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run of the 1927 season, setting a record that would stand for 34 years.
In 1949, after 15 months and 250,000 flights, the Berlin Airlift officially ended.
In 1954, the USS Nautilus, the world's first nuclear submarine, was commissioned by the U.S. Navy.
In 1955, 24-year-old actor James Dean was killed in an auto accident in Cholame, California.
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Today-------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 85, Actress Angie Dickinson is 82, Gospel singer Cissy Houston is 80, Singer Johnny Mathis is 78, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 70, Rock musician Marc Bolan (T-Rex) is 66 and Actor Jack Wild is 61.
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September 30th is: Ask A Stupid Question Day, Blasphemy Day and International Translation Day.
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Quip for the day.........Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
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Larryj
Today's------funny........
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
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Today is Tuesday, October 1, the 274th day of the year. There are 91 days left in the year.
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In 1890, an act of Congress created Yosemite National Park.
In 1908, Henry Ford introduced the Model T Ford automobile to the market.
In 1932, Babe Ruth of the New York Yankees made his supposed called shot, hitting a home run against Chicago's Charlie Root in the fifth inning of Game 3 of the World Series.
In 1961, Roger Maris of the New York Yankees hit his 61st home run during a 162-game season, compared with Babe Ruth's 60 home runs during a 154-game season.
In 1962, Johnny Carson took over as the host of the late night program "The Tonight Show."
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Today-------Former President Jimmy Carter is 89, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 78, Actress Stella Stevens is 75, Author Gay Courter is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 68, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 67, Actor Stephen Collins is 66 and Actor Randy Quaid is 63.
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October 1st is: CD Player Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day Of Older Persons, Model T Day, National Lace Day and World Vegetarian Day.
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Quip for the day.......Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.
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Larryj
Today's------good one.......
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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Today is Wednesday, October 2, the 275th day of the year. There are 90 days left in the year.
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In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.
In 1968, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Bob Gibson struck out 17 Detroit Tigers in the first game of the World Series breaking Sandy Koufax's record for the most strikeouts in a Series game.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at age 59 after battling AIDS.
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Today---------Former MLB player Maury Wills is 81, Movie critic Rex Reed is 75, Singer Don McLean is 68, Fashion designer Donna Karan is 65, Actor Avery Brooks is 65, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 64, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis) is 63 and Singer-actor Sting is 62.
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October 2nd is: Balloons Around The World Day, Guardian Angels Day, International Day Of Non-Violence, National Custodial Worker's Day, Phineas Fogg's Wager Day and World Farm Animals Day.
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Quip for the day......In Spain, they have the Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but funny.........
Pete's friends confronted him at the office. "We heard the bad news that you and Jennifer broke off your engagement," one said.
"That's a tough break, man," another said. "We are so sorry."
Said a third, "What happened?"
Said a fourth, "You can tell us everything. We're here for you, buddy."
Pete said, "It's true. Jennifer and I have split up, and I'll tell you why. Would you marry someone who is habitually unfaithful, untruthful, who is vain and self-centered, and mean-spirited and sarcastic?"
His friends all shook their heads sympathetically.
Pete continued, "Well, neither would Jennifer."
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Today is Thursday, October 3, the 276th day of the year. There are 89 days left in the year.
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving Day.
In 1951, the New York Giants won the National League by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thomson hit a three-run homer off the Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."
In 1967, Woody Guthrie, godfather of the 1950's folk revival movement, died in New York at age 55.
In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.
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Today---------Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 72, Actor Alan Rachins is 71, Magician-animal trainer Roy Horn (Siegfried and Roy) is 69, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 64, Former astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan is 62, Blues musician Kevin Moore is 62 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 62.
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October 3rd is: National Butterfly And Hummingbird Day, National Techies Day, National Caramel Custard Day and National Taco Day.
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Quip for the day...Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
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Larryj
Today's--------------kids.........
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
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Today is Friday, October 4, the 277th day of the year. There are 88 days left in the year.
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, Pennsylvania, resulting in heavy American casualties.
In 1822, the 19th president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes, was born in Delaware.
In 1927, work began on Mt. Rushmore in the Black Hills National Forest in South Dakota. It was completed 12 years later.
In 1957, the Space Age began as the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.
In 1970, Singer Janis Joplin died of an accidental heroin overdose at age 27.
In 1990, "Beverly Hills, 90210," a TV drama about a group of teenagers in upscale Beverly Hills debuted on Fox TV.
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Today---------Author Alvin Toffler is 85, Country singer Leroy Van Dyke is 84, Actress Felicia Farr is 81, Pro and College football Hall-of-Famer Sam Huff is 79, Actor Eddie Applegate is 78, Screenwriter Michael Norell is 76, Author Jackie Collins is 76, Author Roy Blount Jr. is 72, Actress Lori Saunders ("Petticoat Junction") is 72, Baseball manager Tony La Russa is 69, Songwriter Clifton Davis is 68 and Actress Susan Sarandon is 67.
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October 4th is: Blessing Of The Animals Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day, Ten-four Day, Vodka Day and World Smile Day.
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Quip for the day.......Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah........
Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says, "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says, "We're just over Paris." "How do you know" ask the others. "Well, I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London." "How do you know?" asks the others. "Well, I've just felt the top of Big Ben."
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others, "We have just flown over Glasgow." "How do you know that?" asks the others.
"Because somebody has just stolen my watch."
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Today is Saturday, October 5, the 278th day of the year. There are 87 days left in the year.
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In 1892, the famous Dalton Gang attempted a daring daylight robbery of two banks in Coffeyville, Kansas. They were nearly all killed by the quick-acting townspeople.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman delivered the first televised White House address as he spoke on the world food crisis.
In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the U.S. succeeding Fred M. Vinson.
In 1962, The Beatles' first hit recording, "Love Me Do," was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone Records.
In 1962, the first James Bond theatrical feature, "Dr. No" starring Sean Connery as Agent 007, premiered.
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Today----Actress Glynis Johns is 90, Former astronaut Richard Gordon is 84, Actor Peter Brown is 78, Football coach Barry Switzer is 76, Singer-musician Steve Miller is 70, Rock singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 66 and Actress Karen Allen is 62.
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October 5th is: Inter-American Water Day, World Card Making Day, World Teachers Day and Cephalopod Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.........Tact is the ability to keep your mouth shut before someone else wants to.
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Larryj
Today's------guilty........
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
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Today is Sunday, October 6, the 279th day of the year. There are 86 days left in the year.
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In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.
In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate guerilla leader William Quantrill continued his rampage through Kansas attacking Baxter Springs.
In 1866, the Reno gang carried out the first moving train robbery in the U.S. making off with $10,000 from the Ohio & Mississippi train in Jackson County, Indiana.
In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer," starring Al Jolson, a movie that featured both silent and sound-synchronized sequences.
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Today-------Broadcaster and writer Melvyn Bragg is 74, Actress Ellen Travolta is 73, Actress Britt Ekland is 71, Singer Millie Small is 67 and Singer-guitarist Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon) is 62.
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October 6th is: Change A Light Day, Ecological Debt Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day, World Communion Day and Country Bed & Breakfast Day.
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Quip for the day.......I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Larryj
Today's------good one.......
Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are
you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
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Today is Monday, October 7, the 280th day of the year. There are 85 days left in the year.
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In 1816, the double deck steamboat, the Washington, which became the design of river boats for the Mississippi River, arrived in New Orleans.
In 1929, former Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall, one of the main figures in the Teapot Dome scandal, went on trial in Washington, D.C., charged with accepting a bribe from oil tycoon Edward L. Doheny.
In 1943, during World War II, the Japanese commander on Wake Island ordered the execution of 96 American prisoners of war claiming they were trying to make radio contact with U.S. forces.
In 1960, the first episode of the one-hour television drama, "Route 66" aired on CBS.
In 2001, the current war in Afghanistan started as the U.S. and Britain launched air attacks.
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Today------TV co-host Joy Behar is 71, Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 66, Country singer Kieran Kane is 64, Rock musician John Cougar Mellencamp is 62 and Rock musician Tico Torres (Bon Jovi) is 60.
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October 7th is: Child Health Day, World Habitat Day, You Matter To Me Day and World Day Of Bullying Prevention/Blue Shirt Day.
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Quip for the day............The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
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Larryj
Today's--------aha........
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Today is Tuesday, October 8, the 281st day of the year. There are 84 days left in the year.
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In 1871, flames erupted in the Chicago barn of Patrick and Catherine O'Leary igniting a two-day blaze that killed between 200 and 300 people.
In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.
In 1956, New York Yankee's right-hander Don Larsen pitched the first no-hitter in the history of the World Series. It was a perfect game as there were no runs, no hits, no errors and no batter reached first base.
In 1957, Rock and Roller Jerry Lee Lewis recorded "Great Balls of Fire" for Sun Records.
In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers to Los Angeles.
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Today--------Actress Eileen Essell is 91, Gossip columnist Rona Barrett is 77, Actor Paul Hogan is 74, Civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 72, Comedian Chevy Chase is 70, Author R.L. Stine is 70, TV host-actress Sarah Purcell is 65 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 64.
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October 8th is: Alvin C. York Day, National Face Your Fears Day and National Pierogi Day.
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Quip for the day........Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Larryj
Today's------a favorite......
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Today is Wednesday, October 9, the 282nd day of the year. There are 83 days left in the year.
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In 1635, religious dissident Roger Williams was banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the General Court. With the help of some friendly Indians, he established a settlement in present-day Rhode Island.
In 1888, the public was first admitted to the Washington Monument.
In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, N.Y., to Glendale, CA.
In 1936, harnessing the power of the Colorado River, Hoover Dam began sending electricity to Los Angeles.
In 1987, Author, politician and diplomat Clare Boothe Luce died at age 84.
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Today------Jazz musician Yusef Lateef is 93, Actor Fyvush Finkel is 91, Actor Donald Sinden is 90, Singer Jackson Browne is 65, Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 61 and Actor Tony Shalhoub is 60.
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October 9th is: Emergency Nurses Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work And School Day, National Chess Day, National Pro-Life Cupcake Day, Leif Erikson Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, Walk To School Day and World Post Day.
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Quip for the day.....I have a step ladder. It's a very nice step ladder, but it's a shame that I never knew my real ladder.
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Larryj
Today's-----a little late, dentist appointment.......
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies, "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
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Today is Thursday, October 10, the 283rd day of the year. There are 82 days left in the year.
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In 1845, the U.S. Naval Academy was established in Annapolis, Maryland.
In 1935, the George Gershwin opera, "Porgy and Bess," featuring an all-black cast, opened on Broadway; it ran for 124 performances.
In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, accused of accepting bribes, pleaded no contest to one count of federal income tax evasion, and resigned his office.
In 1991, former U.S. Postal worker Joseph Harris shot two former co-workers at the Post Office in Ridgewood, New Jersey, thus began the phrase "going postal."
In 2004, actor Christopher Reeve, who became famous for his role as Superman, died from heart failure in New York at age 52.
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Today---------Actor Peter Coyote is 72, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 67, Country/folk singer John Prine is 67, Actress Jessica Harper is 64, Author Nora Roberts (aka "J.D. Robb") is 63 and Former basketball All-Star Gus Williams is 60.
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October 10th is: International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, National Handbag Day, Naval Academy Day, Walk To School Day, World Egg Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.
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Quip for the day......My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
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Larryj
Today's------------ouch......
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree the agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife". The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13
rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The
door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't
tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Today is Friday, October 11, the 284th day of the year. There are 81 days left in the year.
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In 1809, the famous explorer Meriwether Lewis died under mysterious circumstances in Tennessee at age 35.
In 1811, the first steam powered ferryboat, the Juliana (built by John Stevens), was put into operation between New York City and Hoboken, New Jersey.
In 1968, Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham aboard.
In 1975, "Saturday Night Live" made its debut on NBC.
In 2002, former President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Today-------Actor Ron Leibman is 76, Country singer Gene Watson is 70, Rock singer Daryl Hall (Hall and Oakes) is 67, Country singer Paulette Carlson is 62 and Actor David Morse is 60.
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October 11th is: General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Coming Out Day, National Costume Swap Day, National Family Bowling Day, Universal Music Day and Southern Food Heritage Day.
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Quip for the day.......Age is just a number.......and mine is un-listed.
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Larryj
Today's---from the mouths of babes......
For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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Today is Saturday, October 12, the 285th day of the year. There are 80 days left in the year.
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In 1492, Christopher Columbus saw a Bahamian Island thinking he had reached East Asia.
In 1870, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee died peacefully at his home in Lexington, Virginia, at age 63.
In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.
In 1940, cowboy movie actor Tom Mix was killed when he lost control of his Cord Phaeton convertible near Florence, Arizona, at age 60.
In 1997, singer John Denver lost control of a plane he was flying over Monterey Bay and was killed. He was 54.
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Today-------Actress Antonia Rey is 86, Comedian Dick Gregory is 81, Soul singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 78, TV correspondent Chris Wallace is 66, Singer-guitarist Rick Parfitt (Status Quo) is 65, Novelist Richard Price is 64 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 63.
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October 12th is: Columbus Day, Day Of The Six Billion, Free Thought Day and International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day.
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Quip for the day........They say it is better to give than receive. I say it depends on the gift.
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Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie......
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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Today is Sunday, October 13, the 286th day of the year. There are 79 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.
In 1792, the cornerstone of the executive mansion, later known as the White House, was laid during a ceremony in the District of Columbia.
In 1845, a majority of the citizens of the Republic of Texas approved a proposed constitution, that when accepted by Congress, would make Texas the 28th American state.
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Today-------Singer Nana Mouskouri is 79, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 76, Actress Melinda Dillon is 74, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 72, Actress Pamela Tiffin is 71, Actor Demond Wilson is 67, Singer Sammy Hagar (Van Halen) is 66, Author-chef Mollie Katzen is 63, Film director Mary Lambert is 62 and Former Supermodel Beverly Johnson is 61.
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October 13th is: Clergy Appreciation Day, English Language Day, International African Penguin Awareness Day, Navy Birthday and National Chess Day.
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Quip for the day.......I once won an argument with my wife...............in this dream I had.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.....
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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Today is Monday, October 14, the 287th day of the year. There are 78 days left in the year.
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In 1890, Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th president of the United States, was born in Dennison, Texas.
In 1912, Former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive candidate, was shot in the chest. Despite the wound, Roosevelt still gave his speech, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."
In 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
In 1962, the Cuban missile crisis began after photographs taken by a high-altitude U-2 spy plane showed evidence of Soviet medium range missiles in Cuba.
In 1964, civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. won the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Today--------Actor Roger Moore is 86, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 76, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 74, Singer-songwriter Justin Hayward (Moody Blues) is 67, Actor Joey Travolta is 63, Actor Harry Anderson is 61 and Actor Greg Evigan is 60.
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October 14th is: Be Bald And Be Free Day, National Kick Butt Day, Native American Day and Spider-Man Day.
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Quip for the day............Legalize maru.......moua.......mawo............ummmm.........pot!
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Larryj
Today's---hah....
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! T HE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Today is Tuesday, October 15, the 288th day of the year. There are 77 days left in the year.
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In 1858, the final debate between senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place.
In 1930, legendary composer and bandleader Duke Ellington recorded his first big hit, "Mood Indigo."
In 1937, the Ernest Hemingway novel "To Have and Have Not" was first published.
In 1951, "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS.
In 1969, peace demonstrators staged activities across the country as part of a "moratorium" against the Vietnam War.
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Today------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 89, Actress Linda Lavin is 76, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 70, MLB All-Star pitcher Jim Palmer is 68, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 67, Former tennis pro Roscoe Tanner is 62 and Singer Tito Jackson is 60.
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October 15th is: International Day Of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and White Cane Safety Day.
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Quip for the day......Take the mystery out of driving.........use your turn signal.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny.......
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
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Today is Wednesday, October 16, the 289th day of the year. There are 76 days left in the year.
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In 1859, abolitionist John Brown led a raid on Harper's Ferry in an attempt to start an armed slave revolt.
In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.
In 1958, Chevrolet began to sell its car-truck hybrid that it called the El Camino.
In 1987, 18-month-old Jessica McClure was rescued after being trapped for 58 hours in an abandoned water well in Midland, Texas.
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Today-------Actress Angela Lansbury is 88, Actor Barry Corbin is 73, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 72, Actor Christopher Mitchum is 70, Actress Suzanne Somers is 67 and Singer-songwriter Bob Weir (Grateful Dead) is 66.
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October 16th is: Boss's Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, National Feral Cat Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, Pro-Life Day Of Silent Solidarity, World Food Day, Hagfish Day, National Fossil Day and Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce Day.
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Quip for the day.......Many great discoveries are made by not following the instructions.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
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Today is Thursday, October 17, the 290th day of the year. There are 75 days left in the year.
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In 1835, Texans approved a resolution to create the Texas Rangers.
In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion and sentenced to 11 years in prison. He was released in 1939.
In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.
In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage. (you may remember this was the one that hit at the beginning of the World Series in San Francisco.)
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Today-------Actress Julie Adams is 87, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 83, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Croft) is 71, Singer Gary Puckett is 71, Actor Michael McKean is 66, Actress Margot Kidder is 65 and Actor George Wendt is 65.
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October 17th is: Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day, National Pasta Day, Spirit Day and Wear Something Gaudy Day.
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Quip for the day.....Sometimes I just can't prevent a clean thought from entering my mind.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.........
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
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Today is Friday, October 18, the 291st day of the year. There are 74 days left in the year.
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In 1867, the U.S. took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.
In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, New Jersey, at age 84.
In 1969, the federal government banned artificial sweeteners known as cyclamates because of evidence they caused cancer in laboratory rats.
In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, Missouri, at age 97.
In 1988, "Roseanne," a television sitcom starring Roseanne Barr, premiered on ABC.
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Today---------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 87, Actress Dawn Wells is 75, College and Pro Football coach Mike Ditka is 74, Songwriter Cynthia Weil is 73, Former MLB All-Star Willie Horton is 71, Composer Howard Shore is 67, Songwriter-guitarist Gary Richrath (REO Speedwagon) is 64, Actress Pam Dawber is 62, Author Terry McMillan is 62 and Writer-director-producer Chuck Lorre is 61.
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October 18th is: Mammography Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day and World Menopause Day.
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Quip for the day......When my wife saw her first strand of gray hair, she thought she'd dye!
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Larryj
Today's------yep......
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to separate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and the other for those that control their wives.
After the men separate one of the angels notices that there are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"
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Today is Saturday, October 19, the 292nd day of the year. There are 73 days left in the year.
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In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1967, the U.S. space probe Mariner 5 flew past Venus.
In 1977, the supersonic Concorde made its first landing in New York.
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Today------Actress Juanita Moore is 91, Author John le Carre is 82, Artist Peter Max is 76, Actor Michael Gambon is 73, Actor John Lithgow is 68, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 68, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 68 and Talk show host Charlie Chase is 61.
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October 19th is: Bridge Day, Evaluate Your Life Day and Sweetest Day.
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Quip for the day......Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
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Larryj
Today's----old Sunday joke......
The Reverend Lewis was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
Finally, the Reverend Lewis said, "And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The Curate, Roger Marples, then stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn let's sing number 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River."'
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Today is Sunday, October 20, the 293rd day of the year. There are 72 days left in the year.
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In 1803, the U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase.
In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."
In 1947, the House Un-American Activities committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence and infiltration in the U.S. motion picture industry.
In 1964, the 31st president of the United States, Herbert Hoover, died at age 90.
In 1994, actor Burt Landcaster died of a heart attack in Century City, California, at age 80.
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Today-------Actress Carla Laemmle is 104, Actor William Christopher is 81, Singer Wanda Lavonne Jackson is 76, Former MLB All-Star Juan Marichal is 76, Former actress Rev. Mother Delores Hart is 75, Singer Tom Petty is 63, Actress Melanie Mayron is 61 and Former MLB player Keith Hernandez is 60.
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October 20th is: National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, World Toy Camera Day, Miss American Rose Day and National Call-in Day For Health Reform.
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Quip for the day............Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one......
A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, step out on the porch, and cry, "Praise God!"
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who always would shout back, "There is no God!"
One morning, the atheist happened to hear his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought three bags of groceries and left them on her porch.
The following morning the lady came out on her porch and cried, "Praise God, who in His infinite goodness has provided me with food so that I might eat."
The atheist next door laughed harshly and shouted back, "It wasn't God! It was me!"
The lady, without missing a beat, cried out, "Praise God not only for giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!"
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Today is Monday, October 21, the 294th day of the year. There are 71 days left in the year.
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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.
In 1867, more than 7,000 Southern Plains Indians gathered near Medicine Lodge Creek in Kansas to sign one of the most important treaties in the history of U.S.-Indian relations.
In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected an electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
In 1967, in Washington, D.C., nearly 100,000 people gathered to protest the American war effort in Vietnam.
In 2003, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush ordered a feeding tube reinserted into Terry Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman at the center of a right-to-die battle.
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Today-------Actress Joyce Randolph is 89, MLB Hall-of-Famer Whitey Ford is 85, Author Ursula K. Le Guin is 84, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 73, Guitarist Steve Cropper (Booker T. and The M.G.'s) is 72, TV personality Judge Judy Sheindlin is 71, Blues singer-guitarist Elvin Bishop is 71, Children's fiction writer Elizabeth Laird is 70, Singer-teen starlet Kathy Young is 68, Actress Latanya Richardson is 64, Guitarist Eric Faulkner (The Bay City Rollers) is 60 and Guitarist Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Gos) is 60.
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October 21st is: Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day, Information Overload Day, National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day and Reptile Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......My wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They are trying to resuscitate me."
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Today is Tuesday, October 22, the 295th day of the year. There are 70 days left in the year.
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In 1797, the first parachute jump of note was made by Andre-Jacques Garnerin from a hydrogen balloon 3,200 feet over Paris.
In 1913, a coal mine explosion in Dawson, New Mexico, killed more than 250 workers.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy delivered a nationally broadcast address in which he publicly revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba.
In 1968, Apollo 7 returned safely from Earth orbit, splashing down in the Atlantic Ocean.
In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment, a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.
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Today----Actress Joan Fontaine is 96, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 75, Actor-director Derek Jacobi is 75, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 70, Guitarist Leslie West (Mountain) is 68 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 61.
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October 22nd is: National Stuttering Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.........The average person thinks he isn't.
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Larryj
Today's--------good one.....
A man returned to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the front end of the car. There was no sign of the offending vehicle, but he was relieved to see that there was a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
The note read: "Sorry I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars....but I'm not."
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Today is Wednesday, October 23, the 296th day of the year. There are 69 days left in the year.
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In 1855, in opposition to the fraudulently elected pro-slavery legislature of Kansas, the Kansas Free State set up a governor and legislature under their Topeka Constitution, a document that outlawed slavery in their territory.
In 1864, forces led by Union Gen. Samuel R. Curtis repelled Confederate Gen. Sterling Price's army in the Civil War Battle of Westport in Missouri
In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by a special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.
In 1983, a suicide bomber drove a truck with 2,000 pounds of explosives into a U.S. Marine Corps barracks at the Beirut International Airport, killing 220 Marines, 18 sailors and 3 soldiers.
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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 82, Movie director Philip Kaufman is 77 and Former Soccer player Pele is 77.
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October 23rd is: IPod Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Mole Day, Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day and TV Talk Show Host Day.
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Quip for the day......I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
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Larryj
Today's--------funny........
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
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Today is Thursday, October 24, the 297th day of the year. There are 68 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by the Western Union Telegraph Company.
In 1901, a 63-year-old school teacher named Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to take the plunge over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Act of 1938.
In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman officially declared an end to World War II.
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Today-------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 87, Composer George Crumb is 84, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 77, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 74 and Actor Kevin Kline is 66.
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October 24th is: Food Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.
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Quip for the day.......Always do the right thing. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Today is Friday, October 25, the 298th day of the year. There are 67 days left in the year.
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In 1910, "America the Beautiful," with words by Katharine Lee Bates and music by Samuel A. Ward, was first published.
In 1944, during the Battle of Leyte Gulf, the Japanese deployed kamikaze suicide bombers against American warships for the first time.
In 1960, the Bulova Watch Company introduced its electronic Accutron model.
In 1983, President Ronald Reagan ordered U.S. Marines to invade and secure the safety of American nationals on the island of Grenada.
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Today--------Singer-actress Barbara Cook is 86, Actress Marion Ross is 85, Country singer Jeanne Black is 76, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bobby Knight is 73, Singer Helen Reddy is 72, Singer-songwriter Jon Anderson (Yes) is 69, Guitarist Glenn Tipton (Judas Priest) is 66, Former NBA player-coach Dave Cowens is 65 and Television and movie actor Brian Kerwin is 64.
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October 25th is: Chucky The Notorious Killer Doll Day, International Artists Day, National Pharmacy Buyer Day, Sourest Day, World Pasta Day, International Bandana Day and National Breadsticks Day.
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Quip for the day......If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah........
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
(and just for my buddy, Jarhead....... :angel:)
Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
A. Platoon.
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Today is Saturday, October 26, the 299th day of the year. There are 66 days left in the year.
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In 1774, the first Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.
In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie with the Hudson River.
In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph. (The last run of the Pony Express was completed the following month.)
In 1864, the notorious Confederate guerrilla leader William "Bloody Bill" Anderson was killed in Missouri in a Union ambush.
In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.
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Today------Actor Bob Hoskins is 71, Author Pat Conroy is 68, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 68, Game show host Pat Sajak is 67, Singer Bootsie Collins is 62, Filmmaker-director Julian Schnabel is 62, Children's author Tony Abbott is 61, Actress Lauren Tewes is 60 and Actor Roger Allam is 60.
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October 26th is: Make A Difference Day, Mule Day (historical) and National Forgiveness Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd best teach them to dance.
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Larryj
Today's----------good one.....
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
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Today is Sunday, October 27, the 300th day of the year. There are 65 days left in the year.
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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution, was published under the pseudonym "Publius."
In 1858, future 26th president Theodore Roosevelt was born in New York City.
In 1904, New York City Mayor George McClellan took the controls on the inaugural run of the city's new rapid transit system: the subway.
In 1970, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice released a double-LP album, Jesus Christ Superstar.
in 2012, residents in the eastern U.S. braced for Superstorm Sandy.
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Today------Actress Nanette Fabray is 93, Actress Ruby Dee is 91, MLB Hall-of-Famer Ralph Kiner is 91, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 74, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 71, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 67, Actor-singer Tom Jackson is 65, Musician Garry Tallent is 64, Actress-sportscaster Jayne Kennedy is 62, Musician K.K. Downing (Judas Priest) is 62, Actor Peter Firth is 60 and Actor Robert Picardo is 60.
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October 27th is: Cranky Co-workers Day, Navy Day, Mother-In-Law Day, Reformation Sunday and Visit A Cemetery Day.
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Quip for the day.....A bad habit never disappears miraculously, it's a undo-it-yourself project.
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Larryj
Today's------hah..........
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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Today is Monday, October 28, the 301st day of the year. There are 64 days left in the year.
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In 1886, the Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
In 1919, Congress enacted the Volstead Act, which provided for enforcement of Prohibition.
In 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis ended as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev agreed to remove Russian missiles from Cuba.
In 1965, construction was completed on the Gateway Arch, a spectacular 630-foot high parabola of stainless steel marking the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, Missouri.
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Today-----Vocalist Cleo Laine is 86, Actress Joan Plowright is 84, Country musician Charlie Daniels is 77, NBA Hall-of-Famer Lenny Wilkins is 76, Actress Jane Alexander is 74, Rock musician Hank Marvin (The Shadows) is 72, Actor Dennis Franz is 69, Actress-singer Telma Hopkins is 65, Olympic track-and-field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 64 and Actress Annie Potts is 61.
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October 28th is: National Chocolates Day, Lung Health Day and St. Jude's Day.
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Quip for the day.........Bad spellers of the world...UNTIE!
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Larryj
Today's---------yep.......
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?," he asks the shop assistant.
She responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
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Today is Tuesday, October 29, the 302nd day of the year. There are 63 days left in the year.
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In 1858, the first store opened in a small frontier town in the Colorado Territory that a month later took the name of Denver in a shameless ploy to curry favor with Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver.
In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was executed in the electric chair at Auburn Prison in New York.
In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday" heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression. (A standing joke in our family........my oldest brother was born five days before the crash and that was the reason for the crash!)
In 1948, killer smog hovered over Donora, Pennsylvania. Over a five day period the smog killed about 20 people and made thousands more seriously ill.
___________________________________________'
Today-----Grammy Award winning singer Melba Moore is 68, Musician Peter Green (Fleetwood Mac) is 67, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 66 and Actress Kate Jackson is 65.
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October 29th is: Internet Day, National Cat Day and World Psoriasis Day.
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Quip for the day........For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's........hah......
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that entitles me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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Today is Wednesday, October 30, the 303rd day of the year. There are 62 days left in the year.
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In 1864, the town of Helena, Montana, was founded by four gold miners who struck it rich in the appropriately named "Last Chance Gulch."
In 1893, the U.S. Senate gave final congressional approval to repealing the Sherman Silver Act of 1890.
In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.
In 1938, the radio play "The War Of The Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS. (The live drama, which employed fake breaking news reports, panicked some listeners who thought the portrayal of a Martian invasion was real.)
In 1974, 32-year-old Muhammad Ali became the heavyweight champion of the world for the second time when he knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of "The rumble in the jungle" in Zaire.
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Today-----Former NFL coach Dick Vermeil is 77, Actor Dick Gautier is 76, Rock singer Grace Slick is 74, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 74, Soul singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 72, Actor Henry Winkler is 68, Rock musician Chris Slade (AC/DC) is 67, TV Journalist Andrea Mitchell is 67, Singer Timothy B. Schmit (Eagles) is 66 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 62.
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October 30th is: Checklist Day, Create A Great Funeral Day, Devil's Night, Haunted Refrigerator Night and National Candy Corn Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------funny....
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, October 31, the 304th day of the year. There are 61 days left in the year.
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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.
In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis from a ruptured appendix.
In 1950, 21-year-old Earl Lloyd became the first African-American to play in a NBA game in the season opener for the Washington Capitols.
In 1993, 23-year-old actor River Phoenix died from a drug overdose outside a Hollywood nightclub.
___________________________________________
Today---Actress Lee Grant is 88, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 83, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 82, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 71, Actor Stephen Rea is 67, Actress Deidre Hall is 66, Long distance runner Frank Shorter is 66 and News anchor Jane Pauley is 63.
___________________________________________
October 31st is: Beggars' Night, Books For Treats Day, Girl Scout Founder's Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day and National UNICEF Day.
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Quip for the day.....I'm not 40. I am $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------hah.....
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
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Today is Friday, November 1, the 305th day of the year. There are 60 days left in the year.
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In 1765, in face of widespread opposition, Parliament enacted the Stamp Act designed to raise revenue for British military operations in America.
In 1800, President John Adams moved into the President's House, the original name of the White House.
In 1950, two Puerto Rican nationalists tried to force their way into Blair House in Washington, D.C. to assassinate President Harry S. Truman. The attempt failed, and one of the pair was killed, along with a White House police officer.
In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike."
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Today-----Golfer Gary Player is 78, Country singer Bill Anderson is 76, Actor Robert Foxworth is 72, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 71, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 69, WWE Hall-of-Famer Bobby Heenan is 69, Former NFL player Ted Hendricks is 66, Actress Belita Moreno is 64 and Music producer David Foster is 64.
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November 1st is: All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, National Medical Science Liason Awareness & Appreciation Day, Prime Meridian Day, Pumpkin Chunkin' Days (1-3) and World Vegan Day.
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Quip for the day.......Travel is very educational. I can now say Kaopectate in seven different languages.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------funny....
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the heck are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Today is Saturday, November 2, the 306th day of the year. There are 59 days left in the year.
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States.
In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.
In 1947, the Hughes Flying Boat, the largest aircraft ever built, was piloted by designer Howard Hughes on its first and only flight. Because some of the plane was built from spruce, it became known as the "Spruce Goose."
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman surprised the experts by winning a narrow upset over challenger Thomas E. Dewey.
In 1976, former Georgia governor Jimmy Carter was elected president.
___________________________________________
Today------TV actress Rachel Ames is 84, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 75, Sculptor Richard Serra is 74, Actress Stefanie Powers is 71 and Actor Jerry Wasserman is 68.
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November 2nd is: All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, International Games Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Sadie Hawkins Day.
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Quip for the day.......You know you are getting fat when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----hah.....
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
BONUS!!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings to you.
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Today is Sunday, November 3, the 307th day of the year. There are 58 days left in the year.
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In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Company was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the U.S. Agency for International Development.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson defeated challenger Barry Goldwater, Sr. with over 60 percent of the popular vote.
In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair began to come to light as Ash-Shiraa, a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine, broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.
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Today----Actress Peggy McCay is 86, Actress Lois Smith is 83, Actor Ken Berry is 80, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis is 80, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 74, Former boxing champion Larry Holmes is 64, Fashion magazine editor Anna Wintour is 64, Journalist Howard Fineman is 64, Voice actor Jim Cummings is 61 Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 61 and Actress Kate Capshaw is 60.
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November 3rd is: Cliché Day, Daylight Savings Time Ends, Jellyfish Day, Sandwich Day and Zero Tasking Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
___________________________________________
Larryj
today's-------right on.......
The overbearing wife had some of her friends from the Women's Club coming over for lunch, so she ordered her husband into the closet and said, "I don't want to see your face or hear a peep out of you until the party is over and the ladies have left."
During lunch all the wives bragged about the control they held over their husbands. The hostess said, "Watch this. I have my husband Michael in that closet over there. I can command him to do anything I want. Hey, Michael, come out of that closet and step over here, please."
There was no response.
"Michael, come out of there this instant!"
Again, nothing.
"Michael, I'm warning you. Come here immediately!"
Finally, a muffled voice could be heard from behind the closet door.
"No, I won't! I'll show you who's boss of this house."
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Today is Monday, November 4, the 308th day of the year. There are 57 days left in the year.
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In 1842, a struggling lawyer named Abraham Lincoln married Mary Anne Todd at her sister's home in Springfield, Illinois.
In 1927, 10 days of extremely heavy rain in New England caused flooding that killed 200 people and also caused millions of dollars in damages.
In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants.
In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, California.
In 2008, Democrat Barrack Obama was elected the first black U.S. president.
___________________________________________
Today-----Former MLB All-Star Dick Groat is 83, Actress Doris Roberts is 83, Actress Loretta Swit is 76, Blues rock musician Delbert McClinton is 73, Former First Lady Laura W. Bush is 67, Actress Markie Post is 63 and Screenwriter Leslie Newman is 61.
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November 4th is: Fill Our Staplers Day, Job Action Day, National Chicken Lady Day, Traffic Director's Day and Use Your Common Sense Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......I'm starting to think I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------political humor.....
A politician dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," St. Peter says, frowning at the admission records. He gets on the phone to the Devil, who checks his own books and says, "Nope, nothing here."
St. Peter says to the politician, "Well, there's been a technical glitch, so here's what we do. You spend one day in hell, then one day in heaven, then you decide."
The politician takes the long elevator ride down to hell. It's a gorgeous country club. All his friends are there. They play golf, then enjoy a banquet dinner. The Devil sings and dances. Everyone has a great time. Before he knows it, it's time to leave.
He takes the elevator up to heaven, where everyone is a stranger, but they're super nice and they invite him to join them, relaxing in the clouds and listening to the most beautiful harp music.
At the end of the day, St. Peter asks the politician for his decision. The politician says, "I really like heaven, but I have to admit, hell is more to my liking."
"Off you go, then," St. Peter says.
The politician gets off the elevator in hell and there is fire and brimstone everywhere. All his friends are doing hard labor without rest. The Devil greets him. The politician complains, "What happened?"
The Devil says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today you voted."
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Today is Tuesday, November 5, the 309th day of the year. There are 56 days left in the year.
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In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena completing the first transcontinental airplane trip.'
In 1912, Democrat Woodrow Wilson was elected president, defeating Progressive Party candidate Theodore Roosevelt, incumbent Republican William Howard Taft and Socialist Eugene V. Debs.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was re-elected to an unprecedented third term.
In 1968, Richard M. Nixon defeated Hubert H. Humphrey for the presidency.
In 1994, George Forman, age 45, became boxing's oldest heavyweight champion when he defeated 26-year-old Michael Moorer in Las Vegas.
___________________________________________
Today----Actress Elke Sommer is 73, Singer Art Garfunkel is 72, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 70, Singer Peter Noone (Herman's Hermits) is 66, Actress-screenwriter Bonnie MacBird is 62 and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Walton is 61.
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November 5th is: Election Day.
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Quip for the day......Wealthy people miss out on one of life's greatest thrills.....making the last car payment.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----from the archives.....
One morning, a guy goes out to pick up his newspaper. Walking back in, he sees a gorilla on his roof. He doesn't know what to do so he asks his neighbor what he can do about the gorilla on his roof. His neighbor says, "Look in the Yellow Pages for a go-roofer." So the guy looks and finds a go-roofer and calls him.
The go-roofer shows up and proceeds to unload a ladder, a big cage, a shotgun and a very vicious looking German Shepherd. The guys asks the go-roofer, "How does this work?"
The go-roofer says, "I'm going to climb the ladder onto the roof. I am going to throw the gorilla off the roof and the German Shepherd is going to run over and bite the gorilla on the testicles. The gorilla is going to run into the cage to get away from the dog."
The guy says, "Okay, what's the shotgun for?
The go-roofer says, "That's in case the gorilla throws me off the roof...........SHOOT THE DOG!
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Today is Wednesday, November 6, the 310th day of the year. There are 55 days left in the year.
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In 1528, Spanish conquistador Cabeza de Vaca was shipwrecked on a low sandy island off the coast of Texas. Starving, dehydrated and desperate, he was the first European to set foot on the soil of the future state of Texas.
In 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three others for the presidency.
In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election defeating Adlai E. Stevenson.
In 1962, Democrat Edward M. Kennedy was elected senator.
___________________________________________
Today----Director Mike Nichols is 82, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 81, Country musician Guy Clark is 72, Singer Lani Hall is 68, Actress Sally Field is 67, Musician Glenn Frey (Eagles) is 65, Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 64 and Actor Nigel Havers is 62.
___________________________________________
November 6th is: International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict and Saxophone Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------busy, busy day.......
To the government:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, November 7, the 311th day of the year. There are 54 days left in the year.
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In 1811, U.S. forces led by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison defeated warriors from Tecumseh's Confederacy in the Battle of Tippecanoe.
In 1916, Republican Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon was re-elected in a landslide over George McGovern.
In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died at the age of 50 in Mexico from cancer.
___________________________________________
Today-----Evangelist Billy Graham is 95, Actor Barry Newman is 75, Screenwriter-director Martin Davidson is 74, Singer Johnny Rivers is 71 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 70.
___________________________________________
November 7th is: National Gin Day, National Men Make Dinner Day and National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
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Larryj
Today's-----uh oh......
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, November 8, the 312th day of the year. There are 53 days left in the year.
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In 1887, Doc Holliday--gunslinger, gambler and occasional dentist -- died from tuberculosis at age 36.
In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.
In 1895, physicist Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen became the first person to observe x-rays.
In 1932, New York Democratic Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.
In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.
In 1972, the premium cable TV network HBO made its debut with a showing of the movie "Sometimes a Great Notion."
___________________________________________
Today------Actor Norman Lloyd is 99, NHL Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bower is 89, Hall-of-Fame football coach Bobby Bowden is 84, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 82, Hall-of-Fame jockey Angel Cordero Jr. is 71, Singer Bonnie Bramlett (Delaney and Bonnie) is 69, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 64, Entertainment Tonight anchor Mary Hart is 63 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 61.
___________________________________________
November 8th is: Abet and Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day, Domino Day, National Parents As Teachers Day, National Walk To Work Day and X-ray Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----hah.......
A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it.
"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause.
"For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."
___________________________________________
Today is Saturday, November 9, the 313th day of the year. There are 52 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1620, the passengers and crew of the Mayflower sighted Cape Cod.
In 1872, a fire in Boston destroyed hundreds of buildings and killed 14 people.
In 1965, the Great Northeast Blackout began during rush hour delaying millions of commuters, trapping 800,000 people in New York subways and stranding thousands more in elevators and office buildings.
___________________________________________
Today----MLB Hall-of-Famer Whitey Herzog is 82, MLB pitcher Bob Gibson is 78, Actor Charlie Robinson is 68, Singer-songwriter Benny Mardones is 67, Actor Robert David Hall is 65, Actor Lou Ferrigno is 62 and MLB player-manager Jim Riggleman is 61.
___________________________________________
November 9th is: World Freedom Day and Chaos Never Dies Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Speaking your mind is not the same as using it.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------good one.....
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
___________________________________________
Today is Sunday, November 10, the 314th day of the year. There are 51 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1775, The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.
In 1919, the American Legion opened its first national convention in Minneapolis.
In 1938, Kate Smith first sang Irving Berlin's "God Bless America."
In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance service began as Mayor Denning of Englewood, NJ, called Alameda Mayor Osborne without operator assistance.
In 1969, the children's TV show "Sesame Street" made its broadcast debut.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actor Russell Johnson is 89, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 85, Fashion Designer Lilly Pulitzer is 82, Lyricist Tim Rice is 69, Singer Donna Fargo is 68, Rock singer Greg Lake is 66, Actress-dancer Ann Reinking is 64, Actor Jack Scalia is 63 and College football coach Les Miles is 60.
___________________________________________
November 10th is: Area Code Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Marine Corps Birthday, Sesame Street Day and Windows Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......I took my girl on a date recently. We went horseback riding which was kind of fun until we ran out of quarters.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---funny......
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want!' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."
___________________________________________
Today is Monday, November 11, the 315th day of the year. There are 50 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who had led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Virginia.
In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.
In 1921, the Tomb of the Unknowns was dedicated at Arlington Cemetery in Virginia.
In 1933, a powerful wind stripped the topsoil from farmlands in South Dakota. Within two days the dust reached Albany, New York.
In 1966, Gemini 12 blasted off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. aboard.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actress Bibi Anderson is 78, Actress Susan Kohner is 77, Children's writer Peg Kehret is 77, Actress Denise Alexander is 74, Guitarist Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge) is 68, TV host Marc Summers is 62, PGA golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 62 and Singer-guitarist Marshall Crenshaw is 60.
___________________________________________
November 11th is: Death/Duty Day, Origami Day, Veterans Day and World Orphans Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---oldie, but goodie........
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..
___________________________________________
Today is Tuesday, November 12, the 316th day of the year. There are 49 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1864, Union Gen. William T. Sherman ordered the destruction of the business district of Atlanta.
In 1942, the World War II Battle of Guadalcanal began.
In 1954, Ellis Island shut its doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since opening in 1892.
In 1969, news of the My Lai Massacre in South Vietnam in March 1968 was broken by reporter Seymour Hersh.
In 1981, actor William Holden died at his home in Santa Monica, California, at age 63.
___________________________________________
Today-------Actor Wallace Shawn is 70, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 69, Folk singer Neil Young is 68 and Guitarist Buck Dharma is 66.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day...My ex-wife's other car is a broom.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------good one....
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
___________________________________________
Today is Wednesday, November 13, the 317th day of the year. There are 48 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
In 1849, voters in California ratified the state's original constitution.
In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.
In 1971, the U.S. space probe Mariner 9 went into orbit around Mars.
In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 91, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 79, Writer-director Garry Marshall is 79, Former MLB pitcher Mel Stottlemyre is 72, Actor Joe Mantagna is 66, Actress-model Adele Lutz is 65, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gil Pirreault is 63 and Actress Frances Conroy is 60.
___________________________________________
November 13th is: World Kindness Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children cope with teenagers of their own.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------haha.......
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, November 14, the 318th day of the year. There are 47 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published.
In 1889, inspired by Jules Verne, New York World reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) set out to travel around the world in fewer than 80 days. (She made the trip in 72 days.)
In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
In 1970, a chartered jet carrying the Marshall University football team crashed in West Virginia.
___________________________________________
Today------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 85, Former MLB All-Star Jimmy Piersall is 84, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 80, Jazz musician Ellis Marsallis is 79, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 66, Britain's Prince Charles is 65, Guitarist-singer-songwriter James Young (Styx) is 64 and Disney voice actor Bill Farmer is 61.
___________________________________________
November 14th is: International Girls Day, Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Spicy Guacamole Day, National Pickle Day, Spirit Of The National Speakers Association Day and World Diabetes Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....The best exercise: Reach down and pull somebody up.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----hah....
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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Today is Friday, November 15, the 319th day of the year. There are 46 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.
In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Colorado's Pikes Peak.
In 1956, "Love Me Tender," a movie featuring singer Elvis Presley in his big-screen debut, premiered in New York City.
In 1966, the flight of the Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. splashed down safely.
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Today-------TV Judge Joseph Wapner is 94, Artist Wayne Thiebaud is 93, Singer C.W. McCall is 85, Actor Ed Asner is 84, Singer Petula Clark is 81, Actor Yaphet Kotto is 74, Actor Sam Waterston is 73, Singer Frida Lyngstad (ABBA) is 68, Actress Judith Chapman is 62 and R&B singer Alexander O'Neal is 60.
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November 15th is: America Recycles Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt Pan Day, National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day and National Philanthropy Day.
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Quip for the day......There's a strange thing about memory........danged if I can remember what it is.
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Larryj
Today's--------good one.......long one......
A pastor concluded that his Church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the Church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the Church." "Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the Church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
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Today is Saturday, November 16, the 320th day of the year. There are 45 days left in the year.
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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.
In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state.
In 1933, the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
In 1959, "The Sound Of Music" opened on Broadway.
In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died at age 59.
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Today----Actor Clu Gulager is 84, Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 78, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 74, Actor David Leisure is 63 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 62.
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November 16th is: Guinness World Record Day, International Day For Tolerance, National Button Day and National Day Of Play.
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Quip for the day.......I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny......
A teenage boy is about to go on his first official date. He is highly nervous about it. He asks his father what do you do, what do you say on a first date. His father replied, "Talk about food, family and philosophy. Girls love to talk about those things."
The boy takes the girl to a restaurant and there is silence.....uncomfortable silence. Then the boy remembers his fathers advice and says, "Do you like spinach?" The girl answers, "No." More silence.
Then the boy asks the girl, "Do you have a brother?" The girl says, "No." More silence.
Finally, the boy says, "Well, if you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
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Today is Sunday, November 17, the 321st day of the year. There are 44 days left in the year.
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In 1777, Congress sent the Articles of Confederation to the states for ratification.
In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.
In 1962, Washington's Dulles International Airport was dedicated by President John F. Kennedy.
In 1970, the court-martial began in the case of Lt. William Calley who had led his men in the massacre of the My Lai village in Vietnam.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told a group of reporters that "he was not a crook."
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Today---------Rock musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 76, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 75, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 71, Actress Lauren Hutton is 70, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tom Seaver is 69, Producer Lorne Michaels is 69, NBA Hall-of-Famer Elvin Hayes is 68, Guitarist Martin Barre (Jethro Tull) is 67 and Voice actor Stephen Root is 62.
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November 17th is: Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Playmobil's National Day of Play, World Day of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims and World Prematurity Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
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Larryj
Today's------really funny......
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , "Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Today is Monday, November 18, the 322nd day of the year. There are 43 days left in the year.
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In 1883, the U.S. and Canada adopted a system of Standard Time zones.
In 1886, former President Chester Alan Arthur died from complications from a kidney ailment known as Bright's Disease.
In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse premiered in New York.
In 1966, Sandy Koufax, ace pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers, retired at age 30.
In 1978, Rep. Leo J. Ryan and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the People's Temple.
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Today-----Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 74, Actress Linda Evans is 71, Actress Susan Sullivan is 71, Singer-actress Amanda Lear is 67, Actor Jameson Parker is 66, Children's author Jeremy Strong is 64, Actor Delroy Lindo is 61 and Comedian Kevin Nealon is 60.
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November 18th is: Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push Button Phone Day.
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Quip for the day.....Real women don't have hot flashes......they have power surges.
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Larryj
Today's-----oh no........
Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy says to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of that." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.
The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.
They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"
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Today is Tuesday, November 19, the 323rd day of the year. There are 42 days left in the year.
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In 1794, the United States and Britain signed Jay's Treaty, which resolved some issues left over from the Revolutionary War.
In 1831, the 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was born in Orange Township, Ohio.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.
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Today----Actor Alan Young is 94, Talk show host Larry King is 80, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 77, Broadcast mogul Ted Turner is 75, Actor Dan Haggerty is 72, Fashion designer Calvin Klein is 71, Poet Sharon Olds is 71 and Former NFL player and sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 64.
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November 19th is: American Made Matters Day, Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day), Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, Rocky And Bullwinkle Day and World Toilet Day.
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Quip for the day....Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."
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Larryj
Today's----funny....
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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Today is November 20, the 324th day of the year. There are 41 days left in the year.
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In 1789, New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights.
In 1923, the U.S. Patent Office granted Patent No. 1,475,074 to 46-year-old inventor and newspaperman Garrett Morgan for his three-position traffic signal.
In 1967, the U.S. Census Bureau's Population Clock at the Commerce Department ticked past 200 million.
In 1969, the Nixon administration announced a halt to residential use of the pesticide DDT as part of a total phaseout.
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Today------- Actress-singer Kaye Ballard is 88, Actress Estelle Parsons is 86, Comedian Dick Smothers is 74,
Singer Norman Greenbaum is 71, Actress Veronica Hamel is 70, Musician Joe Walsh (The Eagles) is 66, Actor Richard Masur is 65, Opera singer Barbara Hendricks is 65 and Voice actor Rodger Bumpass is 62.
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November 20th is: African Industrialization Day, Geographic Information Systems Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Name Your PC Day, National Educational Support Professionals Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day, Transgender Day Of Remembrance and Universal Children's Day.
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Quip for the day.........If you like your passport picture you probably need the trip.
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Larryj
Today's------aha........
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time, lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
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Today is Thursday, November 21, the 325th day of the year. There are 40 days left in the year.
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In 1922, Rebecca L. Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.
In 1931, the Universal horror film "Frankenstein," starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin Clive as his creator, was first released.
In 1942, the Alaska Highway was formally opened.
In 1980, 350 million people tuned into television's popular drama "Dallas" to find out who shot J.R. Ewing.
In 1995, the Dow Jones Industrial average closed above the 5,000 mark for the first time.
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Today-----Actor Joe Campanella is 86, Country singer Jean Shepard is 80, Actress Marlo Thomas is 76, Actor Rick Lenz is 74, Musician-singer-songwriter Dr. John is 73, Actress Juliette Mills is 72, Comedian-director Harold Ramis is 69, Former NBA player Earl Monroe is 69, Actress Goldie Hawn is 68 and Actress-singer Lorna Luft is 61.
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November 21st is: Alsattalo Day, Beaujois Nouveau Day, Great American Smokeout, Use Less Stuff Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.
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Quip for the day...Not many people realize how well known I am.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A tough old drill sergeant was known for his lack of tact. One day the captain approached him and told him that their was some bad news for Private Smith about the death of his father. The captain requested the sergeant handle it gently. The sergeant nodded okay.
At roll call, he said, "Private Smith, when you call home tonight and your father doesn't answer, that's because he's dead." Private Smith broke down in tears.
The next day, the captain berated the sergeant for not handling that situation tactfully and told him that there was more bad news and this time he was to handle it correctly. "Private Gomez's mother passed away. Let him know gently."
At roll call, the old sergeant called out, "All you maggots with living mothers, step forward. Not so fast, Gomez."
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Today is Friday, November 22, the 326th day of the year. There are 39 days left in the year.
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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.
In 1950, two Long Island Railroad commuter trains collided in Queens, New York, killing 79 people.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death during a motorcade in Dallas, Texas. Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded. A suspect, Lee Harvey Oswald, was arrested.
In 1972, during the Vietnam War, the U.S. lost its first B-52 bomber to be shot down by a surface-to-air missile.
In 1988, the Northrup B-2 "stealth" bomber was shown publicly for the first time in Palmdale, California.
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Today-----Director Arthur Hiller is 90, Actor Robert Vaughn is 81, Animator-movie director Terry Gilliam is 73, NHL Hall-of-Famer Yvan Cournoyer is 70, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billy Jean King is 70 and Actor Steven Zandt is 63.
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November 22nd is: Humane Society Anniversary Day.
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Quip for the day........How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
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Larryj
Note: my apologies for missing yesterday. I was out of town and way too tired when I got home, but here is.......Today's........entitled "Say cheese"....
The dead bodies of three politicians all happened to turn up at the mortuary on the same day. What was even stranger, was that all three came in with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls in the police inspector to show him what has happened. The Inspector arrives and is taken to the first body.
"He was a congressman, he was 64 years old. The cause of death was a heart attack, which occurred while he was making love to his mistress. Which explains the big smile on his face, Sir," says the medical examiner.
They move to inspect the body of the next dead politician.
"This man was a senator, he was 69, and made millions from kickbacks on government procurement contracts. He blew all the money on whiskey. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"So far, nothing we haven't seen many times", thinks the policeman, as the medical examiner takes him over to the third and final body.
"Well," says the medical examiner. "This is a rather unusual case. This governor was 48 years old, and died when he was struck by a bolt of lightning."
"Well, why is he smiling then?` inquires the police inspector.
The medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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Today is Sunday, November 24, the 328th day of the year. There are 37 days left in the year.
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In 1784, future president Zachary Taylor was born in Barboursville, Virginia.
In 1941, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Edwards v. California, unanimously struck down a California law prohibiting people from bringing impoverished non-residents into the state.
In 1960, NBA star Wilt Chamberlain snagged 55 rebounds in a game against the Boston Celtics, setting a NBA record for the most rebounds in a single game.
In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live TV.
In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over Washington State into a raging thunderstorm with $200,000 in ransom money.
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Today-------Former NHL player Eddie Johnson is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson is 75, Rock drummer Pete Best is 72, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 71, Former NBA player Dave Bing is 70, Musician Bev Bevan (Electric Light Orchestra) is 68, Singer Lee Michaels is 68, Actor Dwight Schultz is 66, Actor Joe Howard is 65 and Former NBA player Rudy Tomjanovich is 65.
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November 24th is: Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day, D.B. Cooper Day and Mother Goose Day.
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Quip for the day........What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls down.
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Larryj
Today's-------it's Thanksgiving week and I sadly apologize for the following........
Q: What do turkeys eat on Thanksgiving?
A: Nothing. They're stuffed.
Q: Why do turkeys always go gobble, gobble?
A: Because they never learn good table manners.
Q: What do vampires call Thanksgiving?
A: Fangs-giving.
Q: What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
A: Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A: A poultrygeist.
(groan)
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Today is Monday, November 25, the 329th day of the year. There are 36 days left in the year.
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In 1783, the British evacuated New York during the American Revolution.
In 1950, the so-called "storm of the century" hit the eastern part of the United States killing hundreds and causing millions of dollars in damages.
In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery. First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.
In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair erupted as President Ronald Reagan and Attorney General Edwin Meese revealed that profits from secret arms sales to Iran had been diverted to Nicaraguan rebels.
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Today-------Actress Noel Neill is 93, Playwright Murray Schisgal is 87, Singer Percy Sledge is 73, Football coach Joe Gibbs is 73, Author-actor-economist Ben Stein is 69, Children's author Marc Brown is 67, Actor John Larroquette is 66 and Mystery writer Charlaine Harris is 62.
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November 25th is: International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day (29 more days until Christmas.)
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Quip for the day......Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
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Larryj
Today's------oldie but goodie........
Jay went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week and I'll cure you."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll think about it."
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
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Today is Tuesday, November 26, the 330th day of the year. There are 35 days left in the year.
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In 1878, a powerful early winter storm battered New England killing at least 450 people in New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts.
In 1933, a judge in New York decided the James Joyce book "Ulysses" was not obscene and could therefore be published in the United States.
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt reversed an earlier decision of his and officially declared the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.
In 1942, the motion picture "Casablanca," starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York.
In 1973, President Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she had accidentally caused part of the 18 1/2-minute gap in a Watergate tape.
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Today---Impressionist Rich Little is 75, Singer Tina Turner is 74, Actress Olivia Cole is 71, Actor Daniel Davis is 68, Pop musician John McVie is 68, Former NFL Hall-of-Famer Art Shell is 67 and Former NFL Hall-of-Famer Harry Carson in 60.
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November 26th is: National Cake Day.
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Quip for the day........I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
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Larryj
Today's---------good one......
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
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Today is Wednesday, November 27, the 331st day of the year. There are 34 days left in the year.
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In 1868, Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer led an early morning raid on a band of peaceful Cheyenne Indians killing 103 men, women and children near present-day Cheyenne, Oklahoma.
In 1901, the U.S. Army War College was established in Washington, D.C.
In 1910, the Pennsylvania Railroad began regularly serving New York's Pennsylvania Station.
In 1953, playwright Eugene O'Neill died at age 65.
In 1978, former Board of Supervisors Dan White murdered Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk at City Hall in San Francisco, California.
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Today-----Author Gail Sheehy is 76, Actor James Avery is 65, Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow is 62 and Actor Curtis Armstrong is 60.
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November 27th is: National Day Of Listening and Tie One On Day.
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Quip for the day.........I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Larryj
Today's----------Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
It was during the football practice when a huge turkey walked up to the coach and asked to be put on the team. The coach looked at the turkey and said, "What? Are you crazy? I can't put a turkey on the team!
With that the turkey ambled onto the field and when the quarterback threw a pass the turkey intercepted it in the end zone and ran back 100 yards for a touchdown. Then he kicked the ball for the extra point. On another play, he scooted around the defenders and sacked the quarterback.
The coach was really impressed and offered the turkey a starting position with a huge salary and a terrific signing bonus.
The turkey said, "Forget all that money stuff. Just tell me if the season goes past Thanksgiving!"
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Today is Thursday, November 28, the 332nd day of the year. There are 33 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the Confederate Congress admitted Missouri as the 12th state of the Confederacy after Missouri's disputed secession from the Union.
In 1925, The Grand Ole Opry began broadcasting live from Nashville, Tennessee. It was originally called "The Barn Dance."
In 1943, President Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began conferring in Tehran during World War II.
In 1964, during the early-60s girl-group explosion, the Shangri-Las scored their first and only #1 hit with "Leader of the pack."
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Today-----Motown Records producer Barry Gordy Jr. is 84, Film writer Avery Corman is 78, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 73, NFL Hall-of-Famer Paul Warfield is 71, Singer Randy Newman is 70, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 67, Film maker Joe Dante is 67, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 64, Actor Ed Harris is 63, Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 62 and Actress E. Epatha Merkerson is 61.
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November 28th is: Thanksgiving, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and National Day Of Mourning.
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Quip for the day---Hope your turkey is moist and your stuffing is fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.
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Larryj
Today's-----oopsies.....
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
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Today is Friday, November 29, the 333rd day of the year. Thee are 32 days left in the year.
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in 1775, the Second Continental Congress met in Philadelphia to establish a Committee of Secret Correspondence.
In 1864, a Colorado Militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1967, Robert S. McNamara announced he will resign as Secretary of Defense and will become president of the World Bank.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island in California at age 43.
In 1986, Actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.
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Today---Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Vin Scully is 86, Actress Diane Ladd is 81, Musician John Mayall is 80, Artist James Rosenquist is 80, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 73, Comedian Gary Shandling is 64, Actor Jeff Fahey is 61 and Artist Alex Gray is 60.
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November 29th is: Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Electronic Greetings Day, Flossing Day, International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People, Maize Day, National Native American Heritage Day, Sinkie Day and You're Wecomegiving Day.
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Quip for the day.....I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
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Larryj
Today's-----two short ones.....
Sally just couldn't understand what was going on with her answering machine. She was getting messages from friends and family that just said "Beep." Finally, she went to another phone and called her machine and heard, "Hi, this is Sally. Please leave a beep after the message."
A man who was stranded on a deserted island was jumping up and down and waving as a cruise ship was passing by. Some of the passengers asked the captain who the man was. The captain said, "I don't know, but every year when we pass by here he goes nuts."
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Today is Saturday, November 30, the 334th day of the year. There are 31 days left in the year.
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, Missouri.
In 1982, the Michael Jackson album "Thriller" was released.
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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 95, Actor Robert Guillaume is 86, Watergate conspirator G. Gordon Liddy is 83, Movie director Ridley Scott is 76, Film director Terrence Malick is 70, Actor Mandy Patinkin is 61 and Musician Shuggie Otis is 60.
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November 30th is: Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day, Small Business Saturday and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.
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Quip for the day........Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.
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Larryj
Today's-----someone might not have heard these......
Entitled.........Only in America......
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
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Today is Sunday, December 1, the 335th day of the year. There are 30 days left in the year.
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In 1824, the presidential election went to the House of Representatives in a deadlock; John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay. Adams won.
In 1913, the first drive-in automobile service station, Gulf Refining Co., opened in Pittsburgh.
In 1913, Henry Ford installed the first moving assembly line for the mass production of automobiles.
In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus. She was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.
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Today-----Singer Billy Paul is 79, Actor-director Woody Allen is 78, Drummer Sandy Nelson is 75, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 74, Singer Dianne Lennon (Lennon Sisters) is 74, Television producer David Salzman is 70, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 69, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 68, Former MLB player George Foster is 65, Actor Keith Thibodeaux is 63 and Actor Treat Williams is 62.
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December 1st is: Advent, Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(Out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, XTERRA Championships and World Aids Day.
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Quip for the day.....The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----funny....
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
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Today is Monday, December 2, the 336th day of the year. There are 29 days left in the year.
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In 1823, in his annual address to Congress, President James Monroe proclaimed a new U.S. foreign policy known as the Monroe Doctrine which forbade European interference in the American Hemisphere.
In 1859, Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harpers Ferry the previous October.
In 1954, the Senate voted to condemn Wisconsin Republican Joseph R. McCarthy for conduct that "tends to bring the Senate into disrepute."
In 2001, in one of the largest bankruptcies in U.S. history, Enron filed for Chapter 11 protection.
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Today----Illustrator Jack Davis is 89, NFL Hall-of-Famer Willie Brown is 73, TV personality Cathy Lee Crosby is 69, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 68, Film writer Benedict Fitzgerald is 64 and PGA champion golfer Jay Haas is 60.
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December 2nd is: Cyber Monday, International Day For The Abolition Of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........My wife complained about not being wanted so I went to the Post Office and put up her picture.
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Larryj
Today's------hah......
A couple who were getting on in years made a pact that whoever went first would try to contact the other one. A few years later, the husband died.
Soon, he contacted his wife. "Mary, I'm here."
Mary said, "Fred, you did it. You contacted me. What's it like there?" Fred says, "It's nice. When I wake up in the morning I have sex. Then there's breakfast and more sex. We eat lunch and it is pretty much sex all afternoon until dinner and then more sex until we go to sleep."
Mary says, "Wow! You must be in Heaven."
Fred says, "Heck, no. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
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Today is Tuesday, December 3, the 337th day of the year. There are 28 days left in the year.
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In 1818, Illinois was admitted to the Union as the 21st state.
In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected president of the United States by the Electoral College.
In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio----the first truly coeducational school of higher learning in the United States-----began holding classes.
In 1947, the Tennessee Williams play, "A Streetcar Named Desire" opened on Broadway.
In 1967, 53-year-old Lewis Washkansky received the first human heart transplant in Cape Town, South Africa. He died 18 days later from pneumonia because of the drugs given to him to suppress his immune system.
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Today-------Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 83, NHL Hall-of-Famer Alex Delvecchio is 82, NASCAR legend Bobby Allison is 76, Actress Mary Alice is 72, Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 65 and Former race car driver Rick Mears is 62.
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December 3rd is: Giving Tuesday and International Day Of Persons With Disabilities.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oopsies.......
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
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Today is Wednesday, December 4, the 338th day of the year. There are 27 days left in the year.
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York.
In 1816, James Monroe of Virginia was elected the fifth president of the United States.
In 1945, the Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations by a vote of 65-7.
In 1965, the U.S. launched Gemini 7 carrying Air Force Lt. Col. Frank Borman and Navy Cmdr. James A. Lovell.
In 1991, Islamic militants in Lebanon released kidnapped American journalist Terry Anderson after 2,454 days in captivity.
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Today----Comedian Ronnie Corbett is 83, Game show host Wink Martindale is 79, Actor Donnelly Rhodes is 76, Actress Gemma James is 71, Comedian-writer Pamela Stephenson is 64, Actor Jeff Bridges is 64, Actress Patricia Wettig is 62 and Rock musician Gary Rossington (Lynard Skynard) is 62.
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December 4th is: Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting, National Cookie Day, National Dice Day, Special Kids Day and World Wildlife Conservation Day.
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Quip for the day.......Your secrets are safe with me.......and all my friends.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah....
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass, too," said the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Dang!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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Today is Thursday, December 5, the 339th day of the year. There are 26 days left in the year.
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In 1792, George Washington was re-elected president; John Adams was re-elected vice president.
In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the U.S.
In 1933, the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified repealing the 19th Amendment bringing an end to prohibition.
In 2002, legendary television producer and executive Roone Arledge died in New York City at age 71.
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Today-----Actor Peter Hansen is 92, Singer Little Richard is 81, Author Joan Didion is 79, Author Calvin Trillin is 78, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 67, Singer Andy Kim (The Archies) is 67, Singer-songwriter Jim Messina (Buffalo Springfield) is 66, Former NFL player Jim Plunkett is 66 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 62.
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December 5th is: AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, Columbian International Day Of The Reef, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.
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Quip for the day.....Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------constructive criticism...
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
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Today is Friday, December 6, the 340th day of the year. There are 25 days left in the year.
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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.
In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ending the institution of slavery, was ratified.
In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument.
In 1907, the worst mining disaster in the U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, West Virginia.
In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.
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Today-----Actor Patrick Bauchau is 75, Actor James Naughton is 68, R&B singer Frankie Beverly is 67, Actress JoBeth Williams is 65, Actor Will Shriner is 60, Actor Tom Hulce is 60 and Actress Gina Hecht is 60.
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December 6th is: Miners Day, National Pawnbrokers Day, National Salesperson Day, St. Nicholas Day and Faux Fur Friday.
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Quip for the day....Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.
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Larryj
Today's----------hah........
Edwin had grown up hearing stories of an amazing family tradition for all of the men's 21st Birthdays.
According to the story, Edwin's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water for just one day on their 21st birthday. On that special day, each of them had walked across the lake to a bar located on the far side to enjoy their first legal alcoholic drink.
So when Edwin's 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Nancy took a boat out to the middle of the lake. From there, Edwin stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!
Nancy just barely managed to pull him out to safety.
Thoroughly confused, Edwin went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so I should be able to walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him! Why can't I do it?"
His Grandmother looked Edwin for a minute and shook her head. Then she answered, "I think it might be because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July."
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Today is Saturday, December 7, the 341st day of the year. There are 24 days left in the year.
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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1842, the New York Philharmonic performed its first concert.
In 1909, in his State of the Union address, President William Howard Taft defended the decision to base U.S. naval operations in the Pacific at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, instead of in the Philippines.
In 1941, Japanese forces attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in a surprise raid, drawing the United States into World War II.
In 1972, Apollo 17, America's last moon mission to date, was launched.
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Today--------Actor Eli Wallach is 98, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 81, Author Arlene Alda is 80, MLB All-Star Johnny Bench is 66, Actor James Keach is 66 and Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 64.
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December 7th is: Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day, National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, International Civil Aviation Day, National Cotton Candy Day and Skywarn Recognition Day.
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Quip for the day.......I've got a mind like a...a...what's that thing called?
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------good one....
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks vacation camping with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camp ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
"Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community!"
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Today is Sunday, December 8, the 342nd day of the year. There are 23 days left in the year.
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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Gen. George Washington's retreating army crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey into Pennsylvania.
In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1941, Montana Congresswoman Jeanette Rankin, a lifelong pacifist, cast the sole dissenting vote against declaring war on Japan.
In 1980, former Beatle John Lennon was shot and killed in New York City at age 40.
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Today------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 83, Flutist James Galway is 74, Singer Jerry Butler is 74, Musician Gregg Allman (The Allman Brothers) is 66 and Actress Kim Basinger is 60.
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December 8th is: Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.
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Quip for the day......My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----funny........
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience
The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
The man said, "I was looking for my father."
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Today is Monday, December 9, the 343rd day of the year. There are 22 days left in the year.
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In 1835, led by Benjamin Rush Milam, the newly created Texan Army took possession of San Antonio in its war for independence from Mexico.
In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested after prosecutors said he was caught on wiretaps scheming to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. Blagojevich was convicted in 2011 and sentenced to 14 years in prison.
In 2012, Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera and six others were killed in a plane crash in northern Mexico.
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Today----Actor Kirk Douglas is 97, Actress Dina Merrill is 88, Actor Dick Van Patten is 85, Screenwriter Buck Henry is 83, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 79, Author Mary Downing Hahn is 76, Actor Beau Bridges is 72,
NFL Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 71, Actor Michael Nouri is 68, Hall-of-Fame golfer Tom Kite is 64, Actor Michael Dorn is 61 and Actor John Malkovich is 60.
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December 9th is: International Anti-corruption Day and Weary Willie Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....I'm so old that when I was in school, history was called current affairs.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
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Today is Tuesday, December 10, the 344th day of the year. There are 21 days left in the year.
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In 1869, Wyoming legislators passed a bill granting women the right to vote.
In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1915, the 1 millionth Ford car rolled off the assembly line in Detroit.
In 1964, Martin Luther King Jr. received the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1967, a plane carrying singer Otis Redding and members of the Bar-Kays band crashed in Madison, Wisconsin.
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Today-----Television writer-producer Agnes Nixon is 91, Poet Carolyn Kizer is 88, Actor Tommy Kirk is 72, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 67 and Actress Susan Dey is 61.
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December 10th is: Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day and Nobel Prize Day.
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Quip for the day......If you are the low man on the totem pole, just remember.......without you, the whole thing would fall over.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----------hah......
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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Today is Wednesday, December 11, the 345th day of the year. There are 20 days left in the year.
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In 1816, Indiana became the 19th state.
In 1928, police in Buenos Aires announced they had thwarted an attempt on the life of President-elect Herbert Hoover.
In 1941, Adolf Hitler declared war on the United States bringing America into the European conflict.
In 1946, the General Assembly of the United Nations voted to establish UNICEF, an organization to help children in war-torn countries.
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Today-------Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 83, Actress Rita Moreno is 82, Actress Donna Mills is 71, Singer Brenda Lee is 69, Actress Linda Day George is 69, Author Rachel Renee Russell is 68, and Actress Teri Garr is 66.
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December 11th is: International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.
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Quip for the day........Health plans are like hospital gowns........you only think you're covered.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------hah........
The rich heiress was notoriously tight-fisted with her money. She wouldn't give a cent to the less fortunate.
So, the butler was understandably shocked by what happened one day when he opened the door and found a beggar woman there. "Please, I haven't eaten in five days," the woman begged.
The butler told her to buzz off, and started to close the door. But he found himself overruled by the lady of the house. "She hasn't eaten in five days?" the rich heiress called out. "Send her to my office." The butler did as he was told.
Several moments passed, then the poor beggar woman came out of the office in tears and made for the door. The curious butler asked her, "Did she give you some money?"
The beggar woman cried miserably, "She gave me nothing. She just asked me for my diet secrets!"
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Today is Thursday, December 12, the 346th day of the year. There are 19 days left in the year.
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In 1787, Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.
In 1917, 31-year-old Irish priest Father Flannigan opened the doors to a home for troubled and neglected children which became known as "Boys Town" in Omaha.
In 1925, the first motel - The Motel Inn - opened in San Luis Obispo, California.
In 2000, General Motors declared it will begin to phase out the 103-year-old Oldsmobile, the oldest automotive brand in the United States.
___________________________________________
Today-------Music executive-songwriter Anna Gordy Gaye is 92, TV host Bob Barker is 90, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 81, Singer Connie Francis is 76, Singer Dionne Warwick is 73, Sculptor Don Gummer is 67, Actor Tom Wilkinson is 65, Actor Bill Nighy is 64, Actress Sarah Douglas is 61, Olympic Gymnast Cathy Rigby is 61 and Guitarist Bruce Kulick (KISS) is 60.
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December 12th is: Gingerbread House Day, National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day and Poinsettia Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------blonde joke day......
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
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Today is Friday, December 13, the 347th day of the year. There are 18 days left in the year.
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In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.
In 2000, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore conceded to Republican George Bush, a day after the U.S. Supreme Court shut down further recounts in Florida.
In 2003, after nine months on the run, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured.
___________________________________________
Today----Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 88, Actor Christopher Plummer is 84, Entertainer-game show host John Davidson is 72, Singer Ted Nugent is 65, Actor Robert Lindsay is 64, Country musician-singer Randy Owen (Alabama) is 64, Actress Wendie Malick is 63 and Comedian Jim Davidson is 60.
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December 13th is: Pick A Pathologist Pal Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....George Washington's brother was the Uncle of our country.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oopsies...........
A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"
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Today is Saturday, December 14, the 348th day of the year. There are 17 days left in the year.
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In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon home in Virginia at age 67.
In 1819, Alabama joined the Union as the 22nd state.
In 1909, workers placed the last of the 3.2 million 10 pound bricks that paved the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. It was later paved over with asphalt.
In 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen and his team became the first men to reach the South Pole.
___________________________________________
Today-----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 93, NFL Hall-of-Famer Charley Trippi is 92, Actress Linda Hopkins is 89, Actor Hal Williams is 75, Actress Jane Birkin is 67, Actress Patty Duke is 67, Actress Dee Wallace is 65, Rock musician Cliff Williams is 64, Former MLB player Bill Buckner is 64 and Actress Celia Weston is 62.
___________________________________________
December 14th is: Day Of The Horse, International Shareware Day and Monkee Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing......then they marry him.
___________________________________________
Larryj
(my apologies for missing yesterday. no excuses.)
Today's------hah.....
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
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Today is Monday, December 16, the 350th day of the year. There are 15 days left in the year.
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In 1773, The Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston harbor to protest tea taxes.
In 1811, an earthquake struck near New Madrid, Missouri, altering the topography of the region and changed the course of the Mississippi River.
In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.
In 1960, two airliners collided over New York City killing 134 people on the planes and on the ground.
In 1991, the U.N. General Assembly rescinded its 1975 resolution equating Zionism with racism by a vote of 111-25.
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Today-------Actress Liv Allmann is 75, CBS correspondent Leslie Stahl is 72, Actor Terrence Knox is 67, Actor Christopher Ellison is 67, Singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 67, Actor Ben Cross is 66, Rock musician Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 64 and Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 62.
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December 16th is: Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.
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Quip for the day.......The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
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Larryj
Today's----oldie but goodie......
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map lady!"
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Today is Tuesday, December 17, the 351st day of the year. There are 14 days left in the year.
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In 1777, France formally recognized American independence.
In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.
In 1933, in the inaugural NFL championship football game, the Chicago Bears defeated the New York Giants, 23-21.
In 1944, during World War II, U.S. Maj. Gen. Henry C. Pratt issued Proclamation No. 21 which declared that effective January 2, 1945, Japanese-Americans, who had been placed in internment camps, could return to their homes.
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Today---------Actor Dave Madden is 82, Singer Tommy Steele is 77, Actor Bernard Hill is 69, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 68, Actor Ernie Hudson is 68, Actor Eugene Levy is 67, Actor Wes Studi is 66, Singer-songwriter Paul Rodgers is 64, Actor Joel Brooks is 64, Actor Bill Pullman is 60 and Actor Barry Livingston is 60.
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December 17th is: Free Shipping Day and Wright Brothers Day.
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Quip for the day.........I have enough money to last me the rest of my life........unless I buy something.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny.......
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
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Today is Wednesday, December 18, the 352nd day of the year. There are 13 days left in the year.
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In 1620, the Mayflower docked at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.
In 1787, New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.
In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.
In 1998, the House debated articles of impeachment against President Bill Clinton.
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Today----Actor Roger Smith is 81, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 70, Movie producer-director Stephen Spielberg is 67 and Film critic Leonard Maltin is 63.
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December 18th is: Answer Your Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day and International Migrants Day.
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Quip for the day.....When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.......
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world.
One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam."
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you glad that you've come to live with us now?"
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Today is Thursday, December 19, the 353th day of the year. There are 12 days left in the year.
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In 1732, Benjamin Franklin first published Poor Richard's Almanack.
In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, to camp for the winter.
In 1813, British forces captured Fort Niagara during the War of 1812.
In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published.
In 1907, a coal mine explosion in Jacob's Creek, Pennsylvania, killed 239 workers. One worker survived.
In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice (he was later acquitted by the Senate.)
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Today----Actress Cicely Tyson is 80, MLB All-Star Al Kaline is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 72, Actor Tim Reid is 69, Guitarist Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 69 and Country singer Janie Fricke is 66.
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December 19th is: National Re-gifting Day.
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Quip for the day........It's easy to identify the people who can't count to ten. They're the ones in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
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Larryj
Today's--------late, sorry, last day of school, singalong concert, taking care of granddaughters, I could go on.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
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Today is Friday, December 20, the 354th day of the year. There are 11 days left in the year.
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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating.
In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed.
In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.
In 1864, Confederate forces evacuated Savannah, Georgia, as Union Gen. William T. Sherman continued his "March to the Sea."
In 1957, while spending Christmas at Graceland, Elvis Presley received his draft notice into the U.S. Army.
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Today------Actress Audrey Totter is 96, Sportscaster Jim Simpson is 86, Actor John Hillerman is 81, Rock musician Peter Criss (KISS) is 68, Producer Dick Wolf is 67, Actor John Spencer is 67, Psychic-illusionist Uri Gellar is 67, Record producer Alan Parsons is 65 and Actress Jenny Agutter is 61.
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December 20th is: International Human Solidarity Day, Mudd Day, National Sangria Day and Underdog Day.
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Quip for the day......May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house.
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Larryj
Today's-------another genie joke......
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish..."
"I'd like to give birth to twins".
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Today is Saturday, December 21, the 355th day of the year. There are 10 more days left in the year.
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In 1620, Pilgrims on the Mayflower went ashore at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.
In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln authorized the Navy Medal of Honor.
In 1913, what's regarded as the first newspaper crossword puzzle was published in the New York World; it was billed as a "Word-Cross Puzzle."
In 1937, Walt Disney's first feature-length animated cartoon, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," had it's world premiere in Los Angeles.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight no. 103 exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland killing all 243 passengers and 16 crew members.
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Today-----Actor Ed Nelson is 85, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 78, Actress Jane Fonda is 76, Actor Larry Bryggman is 75, Guitarist Albert Lee is 70, Conductor Michael Tilson Thomas is 69, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 65, Former MLB player Dave Kingman is 65, Actor Barry Gordon is 65, Actor Dennis Boutskiaris is 61 and R&B singer Betty Wright is 60.
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December 21st is: Ann and Samantha Day, Winter Soltice, Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons Remembrance Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day and World Peace Day.
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Quip for the day.......my wife thinks freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
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Larryj
Today's-----yep........
A trio of old veterans were bragging and joking about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
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Today is Sunday, December 22, the 356th day of the year. There are 9 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the Continental Congress created a Continental Navy.
In 1864, during the civil war, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln: "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift, the city of Savannah."
In 1937, the first center tube of the Lincoln Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey under the Hudson River was opened to traffic.
In 1944, in the Battle of the Bulge in World War II, U.S. Brig. Gen. Anthony C. McAuliffe rejected a German demand for surrender. His official written reply: "Nuts!"
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Today-------NASCAR Hall-of-Famer David Pearson is 79, Actor Hector Elizondo is 77, Screenwriter Martin Sherman is 75, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 69, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 68, Rock musician Rick Nielson (Cheap Trick) is 67, Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 65, Actor Graham Beckel is 64, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 62 and Actress Bern Nadette Stanis is 60.
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December 22nd is: National Haiku Poetry Day.
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Quip for the day.........It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
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Larryj
Today's---------oh no.......
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
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In 1783, following the signing of the Treaty of Paris, General George Washington resigned as Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army and returned to his home in Mount Vernon, Virginia.
In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel. The verse known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas" was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.
In 1913, the Federal Reserve System was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act.
In 1986, the experimental airplane Voyager completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned to Edwards Air Force Base.
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Today-----Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 92, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Kurland is 89, Poet Robert Bly is 87, Actor Ronnie Schell is 82, NFL Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 78, Actor-producer James Stacy is 77, Guitarist Jorma Kaukonen (Jefferson Airplane) is 73, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 70, Actress Susan Lucci is 67, Former NFL player Jack Ham is 65, Guitarist Adrian Belew (King Crimson) is 64 and Guitarist Anthony Phillips (Genesis) is 62.
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December 23rd is: Festivus.
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Quip for the day........I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
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Today is Tuesday, December 24, the 358th day of the year. There are 7 days left in the year.
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In 1814, the Treaty of Peace and Amity was signed in Ghent, Belgium, ending the War of 1812.
In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Pulaski, Tennessee, called the Ku Klux Klan.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of the Allied forces in Europe.
In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.
In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave what he said was his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon.
In 2012, death claimed actors Charles Durning, 89, and Jack Klugman, 90.
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Today-----Author Mary Higgins Clark is 86, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 69, Rock singer Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) is 68, Actress Edwige Fenech is 65 and Actor Julius Tennon is 60.
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December 24th is: Christmas Eve.
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Quip for the day........The nice thing about living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
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Larryj
From Larry J's post:
"In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave what he said was his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon."
From Saigon the Bob Hope Troupe flew to Bangkok, Thailand, and worked out of the Oriental Hotel, a world class hotel which was semi-taken over by US forces for billeting the performers. I had a currency exchange setup on one of the upper floors of the hotel and got to meet and shake hands with Bob Hope, Red Foxx, and Roman Gabriel (an Asian-American NFL quarterback who was hot at the time with the Los Angeles Rams and then the Philadelphia Eagles). I also met a bevy of chorus girls who seemed to have everything going for them except reasonable reasoning ability.
I did not, though, get to see any of the performances.
Today's-----Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."
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In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, New Jersey.
In 1818, "Silent Night (Stille Nacht)," written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was publicly performed for the first time.
In 2009, passengers aboard Northwest Airlines Flight 253 foiled an attempt to blow up the plane as it was landing in Detroit by seizing a man who tried to set off explosives in his underwear.
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Today-----Actor Gary Sandy is 68, Former NFL player Ken Stabler is 68, NFL Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 67, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 67 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 64.
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December 25th is: Christmas.
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Quip for the day.....When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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Today is Thursday, December 26, the 360th day of the year. There are 5 days left in the year.
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In 1776, the British suffered a major defeat in the Battle of Trenton during the Revolutionary War.
In 1966, Kwanzaa, created by Maulana Karenga - now a Cal State Long Beach, CA., professor - was first celebrated.
In 1972, former President Harry S. Truman died in Independence, Missouri.
In 1996, beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, 6, was found beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado.
In 2006, former President Gerald R. Ford died in Rancho Mirage, CA., at age 93.
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Today-----Actor Donald Moffat is 83, Sesame Street puppeteer Caroll Spinney is 80, Singer Abdul Fakir (The Four Tops) is 78, Record producer Phil Spector is 74, TV host John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) is 68, MLB All-Star Carlton Fisk is 66, CNN News anchor Candy Crowley is 65 and Composer Ira Newborn is 64.
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December 26th is: Boxing Day (Canada), National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-you Note Day and National Whiners Day.
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Quip for the day.......Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
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Larryj
Today's-----a twofer day......
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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There was a very violent automobile crash into a light pole. A woman ran over to help the injured driver. A man rushed over and pushed the woman aside saying, "Move out of the way! I've had emergency training!"
The woman waited a few minutes, then tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
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Today is Friday, December 27, the 361st day of the year. There are 4 days left in the year.
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In 1900, prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed up the bar at the Carey Hotel in Wichita, Kansas.
In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall opened to the public in midtown Manhattan.
In 1941, the Office of Price Administration initiated its first rationing program which limited automobile drivers to have no more than five automobile tires.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered his Secretary of War to seize properties belonging to Montgomery Ward Company because of its refusal to comply with a labor agreement.
In 1968, Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, returned to Earth safely.
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Today---Actor John Amos is 74, Singer Chamian Carr is 71, News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 70, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 65, Rock musician Terry Bozzio (Missing Persons) is 63 and Rock musician David Knopfier (Dire Straits) is 61.
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December 27th is: National Fruitcake Day and Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day.
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Quip for the day.........Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
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Larryj
Today's------groaner.....
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
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Today is December 28, the 362nd day of the year. There are 3 days left in the year.
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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first U.S. vice-president to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.
In 1846, Iowa was admitted as the 29th state in the Union.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1973, the Endangered Species Act was signed into law.
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Today---Comic book creator Stan Lee is 91, Actor Martin Milner is 82, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 81, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 79, Rock musician Edgar Winter is 67 and Author (and wife of Dr. Phil) Robin McGraw is 60.
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December 28th is: Holy Innocents Day, National Chocolate Day and Pledge of Allegiance Day.
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Quip for the day......I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
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Larryj
Today's------another groaner........
Father Goose Story No. 7
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could
even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.
The ogre laughed and replied:
(wait for it)
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
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Today is Sunday, December 29, the 363rd day of the year. There are 2 days left in the year.
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In 1808, future president Andrew Johnson was born in Raleigh, North Carolina.
In 1812, during the War of 1812, the American frigate USS Constitution engaged and severely damaged the British frigate HMS Java off Brazil.
In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state to the Union.
In 1890, the Wounded Knee Massacre occurred in South Dakota. About 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.
In 1913, the first true "cliffhanger" movie serial, "The Adventures of Kathlyn," starring Kathlyn Williams, premiered.
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Today----Actor Bernard Cribbins is 85, Actress Inga Swenson is 81, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 77, Actress Barbara Steele is 76, Actor John Voight is 75, Singer Marianne Faithful is 67, Jockey Lafitte Pincay Jr. is 67, Actor Ted Danson is 66, Actor Jon Polito is 63 and Singer-actress Yvonne Elliman is 62.
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December 29th is: Tick Tock Day.
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Quip for the day.....I went to school to become a wit, but only got half way through.
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Larryj
Today's--------uh oh......
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,
turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"
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Today is Monday, December 30, the 364th day of the year. There is 1 day left in the year.
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In 1852, Rutherford B. Hayes married Lucy Webb, a devout Methodist from his home state of Ohio.
In 1853, the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.
In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor sank in a storm off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
In 1940, California's first freeway, the Arroyo Seco Parkway, now commonly called the Pasadena Freeway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena, was officially opened.
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Today----Actor Russ Tamblyn is 79, Actor Joseph Bologna is 79, MLB Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 78, Singer-songwriter Noel Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary) is 76, Singer Michael Nesmith (Monkees) is 71, Actress Concetta Tomei is 68, Singer-songwriter Patti Smith is 67, Singer Jeff Lynde (Electric Light Orchestra) is 66 and TV personality Meredith Vieira is 60.
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December 30th is: Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.
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Quip for the day.....I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----new book list..
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
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Today is Tuesday, December 31, the 365th day of the year. There are 0 days left in the year.
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In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
In 1909, the Manhattan Bridge, spanning the East River between Manhattan and Brooklyn, opened to vehicular traffic.
In 1946, President Harry S. Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.
In 1951, the Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.
In 1972, future Hall-of-Fame baseball player Roberto Clemente was killed in a plane crash off Puerto Rico.
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Today-----Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 76, Actress Sarah Miles is 72, Singer-guitarist Andy Summers (The Police) is 71, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 70, Fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg is 67, Singer Burton Cummings (Guess Who) is 66, Actor Tim Matteson is 66, Musician-songwriter Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith) is 62 and Actor James Remar is 60.
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December 31st is: Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour Of Peace, World Peace Meditation Day and New Year's Eve.
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Quip for the day......The only New Year's resolution I made and kept was the one where I resolved to never make New Year's resolutions again.
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Larryj
Today's-----oops......
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!"
And then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'"?
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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Today is Wednesday, January 1, the 1st day of the year. There are 364 days left in the year.
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In 45 B.C., New Years Day was celebrated for the first time as the Julian calendar took effect.
In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed and issued the Emancipation Proclamation, declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."
In 1863, a farmer named Daniel Freeman submitted the first claim under the new Homestead Act for a property near Beatrice, Nebraska.
In 1892, the Ellis Island immigration station in New York formally opened.
In 1994, the North American Free Trade Agreement went into effect.
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Today-------Actor Ty Hardin is 84, Actor Frank Langella is 76, Rock singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 72, Writer-comedian Don Novello is 71 and Actor Rick Hurst is 68.
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January 1st is: Copyright Law Day, Commitment Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, First Foot Day, Global Family Day, Mummer's Parade, New Years Day, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge Day, Rose Bowl Game and Tournament Of Roses Day, Saint Basil's Day and Z Day.
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Quip for the day......I'll remember 2013 like it was yesterday.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------old but funny.....
It was a dark stormy night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
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Today is Thursday, January 2, the 2nd day of the year. There are 363 days left in the year.
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In 1788, Georgia ratified the U.S. Constitution becoming the fourth state of the modern United States.
In 1923, Albert Fall, the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Interior, resigned in response to public outrage over the Teapot Dome scandal.
In 1956, Oklahoma University's champion football team defeated Maryland in the Orange Bowl scoring their 30th straight victory. The streak went on to 47 games.
In 2006, twelve miners died in an explosion at the Sago mine in West Virginia.
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Today----Country musician Harold Bradley is 88, Fashion photographer David Bailey is 76, Actor Ron Hale is 68, Former NFL player Calvin Hill is 67, Zookeeper-TV host Jack Hanna is 67 and Actress Wendy Phillips is 62.
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January 2nd is: 55 MPH Speed Limit Day, Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation And Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day and National Science Fiction Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....You can't be late until you show up.
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Larryj
Today's---ouch........
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. The cop asked, "Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied...., "The balcony."
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Today is Friday, January 3, the 3rd day of the year. There are 362 days left in the year.
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's army routed the British at the Battle of Princeton, New Jersey.
In 1861, just two weeks after South Carolina seceded from the Union, Delaware rejected secession.
In 1870, groundbreaking took place for the Brooklyn Bridge.
In 1911, the first postal savings banks were opened by the U.S. Post Office. (The banks were abolished in 1966.)
In 1938, President Franklin D. Roosevelt founded the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis, later known as the March of Dimes Foundation.
In 1959, Alaska became the 49th state of the Union.
___________________________________________
Today-----Record producer George Martin is 88, Actor Robert Loggia is 84, Actor Dabney Coleman is 82, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 78, Former NHL player Bobby Hull is 75, Rock musician Stephen Stills (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 69, Rock musician John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) is 68 and Actress Victoria Principal is 64.
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January 3rd is: Drinking Straw Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.
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Quip for the day.......A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.....
Entitled: "Don't mess with old people."
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
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Today is Saturday, January 4, the 4th day of the year. There are 361 days left in the year.
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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.
In 1847, Samuel Colt rescued his faltering gun company by winning a contract to provide the U.S. government with 1,000 of his .44 caliber revolvers.
In 1896, Utah became the 45th state of the Union.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, the elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.
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Today----Actress Barbara Rush is 87, Former NFL coach Don Shula is 84, Actress Dyan Cannon is 75 and Jazz guitarist John McLaughlin is 72.
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January 4th is: Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.
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Quip for the day.....It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
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Larryj
Today's-----it's a Jarhead day....
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
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Today is Sunday, January 5, the 5th day of the year. There are 360 days left in the year.
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In 1643, in the first record of a legal divorce in the American Colonies, Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony was granted a divorce from her absent and adulterous husband, Denis Clarke.
In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Virginia.
In 1914, Auto industrialist Henry Ford announced he was going to pay workers $5 for an eight hour day as opposed to $2.34 for a nine hour day.
In 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.
In 1998, Sonny Bono was killed in a skiing accident in South Lake Tahoe, California.
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Today--------Actor Robert Duvall is 83, Former NFL coach Chuck Noll is 82, TV talk show host Charlie Rose is 72, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 68, Actor Ted Lange is 66, Rhythm-and-Blues musician George Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 65 and Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 61.
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January 5th is: Bean Day and Bird Day.
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Quip for the day.......BEER! The reason I get up each afternoon!
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----hah........
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
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Today is Monday, January 6, the 6th day of the year. There are 359 days left in the year.
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In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph in Morristown, New Jersey.
In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state of the Union.
In 1974, year-round daylight saving time began in the United States on a trial basis as a fuel saving measure in response to the OPEC oil embargo.
In 1994, figure skater Nancy Kerigan was clubbed in the leg by an assailant at Detroit's Cobo Arena; four men, included the ex-husband of Kerrigan's rival, Tonya Harding, went to prison for their roles in the attack.
___________________________________________
Today-----Pollster Louis Harris is 93, Author E.L. Doctorow is 83, Former football coach Lou Holtz is 77 and Rock musician Malcolm Young (AC/DC) is 61.
___________________________________________
January 6th is: National Weigh-In Day, "Thank God It's Monday" Day and Three Kings Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......I'm retired. This is as dressed-up as it's gonna get.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah......
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....... I haven't made the @#*% porridge yet!!
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Today is Tuesday, January 7, the 7th day of the year. There are 358 days left in the year.
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In 1789, America held its first presidential election as voters chose electors who, a month later, selected George Washington to be the nation's first chief executive.
In 1892, a massive mine explosion left nearly 100 dead in Krebs, Oklahoma.
In 1927, commercial transatlantic telephone service started between New York and London.
In 1963, the U.S. Post Office raised the cost of a first-class stamp from 4 cents to 5 cents.
___________________________________________
Today-------MLB All-Star Alvin Dark is 92, Actress Terry Moore is 85, Singer Kenny Loggins is 66, Actress Erin Gray is 64 and Actress Helen Worth is 63.
___________________________________________
January 7th is: Harlem Globetrotter's Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......It was two years ago I lost my wife. I'll never forget that card game.
___________________________________________
Larryj
My apologies..........spent a couple of days in the hospital with pneumonia. Will resume tomorrow, Friday, morning.
Larryj
Today's--------huh.......
A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when he met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."
"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?"
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, January 10, the 10th day of the year. There are 355 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense" which argued for American independence for British rule.
In 1843, Frank James, brother of outlaw Jesse James, was born in Clay County, Missouri.
In 1861, Florida became the third state to secede from the Union.
In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.
In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas gusher, heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.
___________________________________________
Today-----Blues artist Eddy Clearwater is 79, Former MLB player Willy McCovey is 76, Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 70, Singer Rod Stewart is 69, Rock-singer musician Donald Fagen (Steeley Dan) is 66, TV actor William Sanderson is 66, Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 65 and Singer Pat Benatar is 61.
___________________________________________
January 10th is: National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......I ordered a home surgery kit. It's called Suture Self.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------good one.....
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
___________________________________________
Today is Saturday, January 11, the 11th day of the year. There are 354 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1805, the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.
In 1861, Alabama became the fourth state to secede from the Union.
In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument (it became a national park in 1919.)
In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automobile Show in New York.
___________________________________________
Today---------Actor Rod Taylor is 84, Composer Mary Rodgers is 83, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 80, Actor Felix Silla is 77, Actor Joel Zwick is 72, Country singer Naomi Judd is 68 and Singer Tom Netherton is 67.
___________________________________________
January 11th is: Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day, National Human Trafficking Awareness Day and Fruitcake Toss Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Optimism: Waiting for your ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Hope you are feeling much better today and getting your strength back.
(thanks, feeling much better.)
Today's--------aha..........
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
___________________________________________
Today is Sunday, January 12, the 12th day of the year. There are 353 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1773, the first public museum in America was organized in Charleston, South Carolina.
In 1828, the United States and Mexico signed a Treaty of Limits defining the boundary between the two countries to be the same as the one established by an 1819 treaty between the U.S. and Spain.
In 1912, textile workers at the Everett Mill in Lawrence, Massachusetts, most of them immigrant women, walked off the job to protest wage cuts.
In 1926, the two-man comedy series "Sam 'n' Henry" debuted on Chicago's WGN Radio. Two years later, the show changed its name to "Amos 'n' Andy."
___________________________________________
Today----Actress Luise Rainer is 104, Country singer Ray Price is 88, Singer Glenn Yarbrough is 84, The Amazing Kreskin is 79, Actress Shirley Eaton is 77, Country singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 75, Rock musician Cynthia Robinson (Sly and the Family Stone) is 70, Actor Anthony Andrews is 66, Movie director Wayne Wang is 65, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 63, Actress Kirstie Alley is 63, Former Olympic athlete John Walker is 62 and Talk show host Howard Stern is 60.
___________________________________________
January 12th is: Feast Of Fabulous Wild Men Day and National Pharmacists Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Heck is where people go that don't believe in gosh.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----yep......
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever — the one you have been toiling on for ten years — in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
___________________________________________
Today is Monday, January 13, the 13th day of the year. There are 352 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1864, American songwriter Stephen Foster, who'd written such classics as "Swanee River," Oh! Susanna," "Camptown Races," "My Old Kentucky Home" and "Beautiful Dreamer," died in poverty in a New York hospital at age 37.
In 1929, 50 years after the famous gunfight at the OK Corral, Wyatt Earp died quietly in Los Angeles at age 80.
In 1941, a new law went into effect granting Puerto Ricans U.S. birthright citizenship.
In 1962, Comedian Ernie Kovacs died when he crashed his Chevrolet Corvair into a telephone pole in Los Angeles.
___________________________________________
Today------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 84, Comedian Rip Taylor is 80, Actor Billy Gray is 76 and Actor Richard Moll is 71.
___________________________________________
January 13th is: National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Public Radio Broadcasting Day, Rubber Duckie Day and Stephen Foster Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....(from George Burns)...."Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth!"
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----good one.....
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper: "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?"
"Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"I'm not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
___________________________________________
Today is Tuesday, January 14, the 14th day of the year. There are 351 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1784, the United States ratified a treat with England, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and French General Charles de Gaulle opened a wartime conference in Casablanca. (President Roosevelt became the first president to fly overseas in a plane.)
In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator."
In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were married.
In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their final concert at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.
___________________________________________
Today-------Actor Richard Briers is 80, Singer Jack Jones is 76, Actress Faye Dunaway is 73, Actress Holland Taylor is 71, Actor Carl Weathers is 66, Singer-producer T-Bone Burnett is 66 and Producer Lawrence Kasdan is 65.
___________________________________________
January 14th is: Caesarian Section Day, International Kite Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, National Poetry At Work Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oh no.......
The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news then what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Today is Wednesday, January 15, the 15th day of the year. There are 350 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the people of New Connecticut declared their independence. (The republic later became the state of Vermont.)
In 1919, fiery molasses from a huge tank at the United States Industrial Alcohol Company flooded the streets of Boston killing 21 people.
In 1929, Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta, Georgia.
In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War (now Defense.)
In 1967, at the Los Angeles Coliseum, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in the first world championship of American football. (The championship was named the Super Bowl in 1969.)
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S. offensive action in North Vietnam, citing progress in peace negotiations.
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Today--------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 77, Actress Andrea Martin is 67 and Singer Charo is 63.
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January 15th is: Humanitarian Day: Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday.
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Quip for the day......I recently read that love is a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
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Larryj
Today's---funny......
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."
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Today is Thursday, January 16, the 16th day of the year. There are 349 days left in the year.
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In 1883, the U.S. Civil Service Commission was established.
In 1920, Prohibition began in the U.S. as the 18th Amendment to the Constitution took effect.
In 1942, actress Carole Lombard died in a plane crash traveling from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, at age 33.
In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower formally assumed command of the Allied Expeditionary Forces in London.
In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.
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Today-----Author William Kennedy is 86, Race car driver A.J. Foyt is 79, Singer Rene Angelil is 72, Singer Barbara Lynn is 72, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 71, Singer Jim Stafford is 70, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 67, Movie director John Carpenter is 66 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 64.
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January 16th is: Appreciate A Dragon Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Nothing Day, Religious Freedom Day and Women In Blue Jeans Day (16-17).
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Quip for the day......Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Larryj
Today's---hah......
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
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Today is Friday, January 17, the 17th day of the year. There are 348 days left in the year.
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In 1916, a group of professional golfers and several leading amateur golfers gathered at the Taplow Club in New York city in a meeting that resulted in the founding of the Professional Golfers Association.
In 1929, the cartoon character Popeye the Sailor made his debut in the "Thimble Theater" comic strip.
In 1950, the Great Brinks Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders. (Although the entire gang was caught only part of the loot was recovered.)
In 1953, a prototype Chevrolet Corvette made its debut at General Motors' Motorama at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City.
In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California killing at least 60 people.
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Today----Actress Betty White is 92, Baseball's Don Zimmer is 83, Actor James Earl Jones is 83, Talk show host Maury Povich is 75, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 72, Former NFL player Preston Pearson is 69, Actress Jane Elliot is 67 and Guitarist Mick Taylor (The Rollin Stones) is 65.
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January 17th is: Cable Car Day, Hot Head Chili Days (17-18), International Fetish Day, Judgement Day and Kid Inventors Day.
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Quip for the day.........the first rule of holes.....if you are in one.........stop digging.
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Larryj
Today's----old, yuck, but funny.....
A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said, "I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."
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Today is Saturday, January 18, the 18th day of the year. There are 347 days left in the year.
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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the present-day Hawaiian Islands.
In 1862, the 10th president of the United States, John Tyler, died in Richmond, Virginia, at age 71.
In 1958, hockey player Willie O'Ree, of the Boston Bruins, became the first black player in the NHL.
In 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday was observed in all 50 states for the first time.
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Today--------Movie director John Boorman is 81, Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 73 and Actor M.C. Gainey is 66.
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January 18th is: Polar Bear Swim (Seward, Alaska), Pooh (Winnie The) Day, Thesaurus Day and National Sanctity Of Human Life Day (or Pro Life Day.)
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Quip for the day......I've got it made. I have a wife and a TV and they're both working.
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Larryj
Today's-----------groaner...........
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
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Today is January 19, the 19th day of the year. There are 346 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Georgia became the fifth state to secede from the Union.
In 1883, Thomas Edison's first village lighting system using overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ.
In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.
In 1953, 68% of all TV sets in the U.S. tuned to CBS-TV as Lucy Ricardo of "I Love Lucy" gave birth to a baby boy.
In 1981, the U.S. and Iran signed an accord paying the way for the release of 52 American hostages.
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Today-----Actor Fritz Weaver is 88, Actress Tippi Hedron is 84, Actor Michael Crawford is 72, Actress Shelley Fabares is 70, Country singer Dolly Parton is 68, Chef Paula Dean is 67, Singer Dewey Bunnell is 62, Musician Desi Arnaz is 61 and Actress Katey Sagal is 60.
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January 19th is: Confederate Heroes Day, National Popcorn Day, Brew A Potion Day, Hat Day, Tin Can Day and New Friends Day.
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Quip for the day......When all else fails, lower your standards.
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Larryj
Today's--------uh huh.......
Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2014. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
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Today is Monday, January 20, the 20th day of the year. There are 345 days left in the year.
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In 1885, the roller coaster was patented by L.A. Thompson.
In 1958, Elvis Presley got his orders to duty from the U.S. Army. He was allowed a 60-day deferment so he could finish filming "King Creole."
In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th U.S. President.
In 1981, Iran released 52 American held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.
In 1986, the U.S. observed the first Martin Luther King Jr. federal holiday.
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Today-----Comedian Arte Johnson is 85, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 84, TV actor Tom Baker is 80, Movie director David Lynch is 68, Country-rock musician George Grantham (Poco) is 67, Bass player Ian Hill is 63, Voice actor Dave Fennoy is 62 and Guitarist Paul Stanley is 62.
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January 20th is: National Day Of Service, Camcorder Day, Penguin Awareness Day, National Disc Jockey Day, Robert E. Lee Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
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Quip for the day.....My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
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Larryj
Today's----uh oh.....
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Today is Tuesday, January 21, the 21st day of the year. There are 344 days left in the year.
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In 1789, W.H. Brown's "Power of Sympathy" was published. It was the first American novel to be published.
In 1853, Dr. Russell L. Hawes patented the envelope folding machine.
In 1861, Jefferson Davis of Mississippi and four other Southerners whose states had seceded from the Union resigned from the U.S. Senate.
In 1954, the first atomic submarine, the USS Nautilus, was launched at Groton, Connecticut.
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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 74, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 73, Singer Mac Davis is 72, TV Actor Martin Shaw is 69, Producer Jeff Franklin is 68, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 67, Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 64 and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is 61.
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January 21st is: Inauguration Day, National Hugging Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day.......It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
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Larryj
Today's-----everything is big in Texas......
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
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Today is Wednesday, January 22, the 22nd day of the year. There are 343 days left in the year.
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In 1938, "Our Town," by Thornton Wilder, was performed publically for the first time in Princeton, New Jersey.
In 1944, During World War II, Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy.
In 1970, the first regularly scheduled commercial flight of the Boeing 747 began in New York City and ended in London about 6 1/2 hours later.
In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.
In 1984, the Los Angeles Raiders defeated the Washington Redskins 38-9 to win Super Bowl XVIII.
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Today-----Actress Piper Laurie is 82, Author Joseph Wambaugh Jr. is 77, Actor John Hurt is 74, Singer Steve Perry is 65 and Movie director Jim Jarmusch is 61.
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January 22nd is: Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration Of Life Day and Roe v. Wade Day.
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Quip for the day........My wife always laughs when we are making love.....no matter what she is reading.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny.....
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Not amazing. Ran over me about a half hour ago."
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Today is Thursday, January 23, the 23rd day of the year. There are 342 days left in the year.
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In 1789, Georgetown University was established in present-day Washington, D.C.
In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
In 1849, Elizabeth Blackwell was granted a medical degree from Geneva College in New York becoming the first female to be officially recognized as a physician in American history.
In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.
In 1957, Toy company Wham-O produced the first Frisbee.
In 1968, the U.S. intelligence gathering ship Pueblo was seized by North Korea.
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Today----Actress Jeanne Moreau is 86, Actress Chita Rivera is 81, Actor Sonny Chiba is 75, Actor Gil Gerard is 71, Actor Rutger Hauer is 70, Singer Anita Pointer is 66, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 64, Guitarist Robin Zander (Cheap Trick) is 61 and Former football player Pat Haden is 61.
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January 23rd is: Measure Your Feet Day, National Pie Day, National Handwriting Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.
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Quip for the day..........All the problems we face in North America today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
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Larryj
Today's-------I remember this one.....
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Today is Friday, January 24, the 24th day of the year. There are 341 days left in the year.
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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in Northern California, a discovery that led to the Gold Rush of '49.
In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden Powell.
In 1935, Canned beer made its debut as the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of beer to its faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.
In 1965, Sir Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.
In 1984, Apple Computer began selling its first Macintosh model.
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Today-----Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard Of Oz") is 95, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 87, Country singer Ray Stevens is 75, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 73, Singer Aaron Neville is 73, Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 63 and TV actor William Allen Young is 60.
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January 24th is: Compliment Day, Beer Can Appreciation Day, Belly Laugh Day and Eskimo Pie Patent Day.
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Quip for the day.....I've lost my dictionary, now I'm at a loss for words.
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Larryj
When this started out, it immediately reminded me of the old question that I am sure many forum members have heard before, that is, would you rather I give you $5 now or give you one cent today but then double the penny the next day and double the amount each day thereafter to the end of the month.
None of the kids I ever offered this deal to for an allowance ever took the one cent, but if they had I could never have paid it. Also, none of them believed me when I told them what they had missed out on.
Beginning with one cent on the first day and then doubling the pennies each subsequent day for a thirty day month gives, $5,368,709.12. If it were a 31 day month the amount due would be almost $11 million.
Today's--------gotcha.......
The real reason I'm tired:
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading jokes.
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Today is Saturday, January 25, the 25th day of the year. There are 340 days left in the year.
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In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. trans-continental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.
In 1924, In what would become known as the Winter Olympics occurred at Chamonix in the French Alps.
In 1949, The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences held its first annual awards ceremony in Los Angeles. (Emmy Awards.)
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.
In 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.
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Today------Actor Greg Palmer is 87, Jazz musician-saxophonist Benny Golson is 85, Actor Dean Jones is 83, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 71, Actress Anita Pallenberg is 70, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 69, TV Actor Christopher Ryan is 64 and TV Actress Diane Salinger is 63.
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January 25th is: Opposite Day, A Room Of One's Own Day, Burns Night, National Irish Coffee Day, National Seed Swap Day and Observe The Weather Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they are in trouble again.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
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Today is Sunday, January 26, the 26th day of the year. There are 339 days left in the year.
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In 1784, in a letter to his daughter Sarah (also known as "Sally"), Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the choice of the bald eagle as the symbol of America, and stated his preference, the turkey, calling it "a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America."
In 1838, the first prohibition law in the history of the United States was passed in Tennessee, making it a misdemeanor to sell alcohol in taverns and stores.
In 1979, "The Dukes of Hazard" debuted on CBS.
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Today------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 91, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 85, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 79, Actor Scott Glenn is 75, Singer Jean Knight is 71, Songwriter Thom Bell is 71, Activist-teacher Angela Davis is 70, Director Christopher Hampton is 68, Soap Opera actor Walt Willey is 63 and Country singer Lucinda Williams is 61.
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January 26th is: Grammy Awards, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement and World Leprosy Day.
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Quip for the day.......Money can't buy happiness, but it is more comfortable crying in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.....
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
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Today is Monday, January 27, the 27th day of the year. There are 338 days left in the year.
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In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.
In 1945, Soviet forces liberated the Nazi concentration camps Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland.
In 1951, an era of atomic testing began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat in Nevada.
In 1965, the Shelby GT 350, a version of a Ford Mustang sports car, was launched by car designer Carroll Shelby.
In 1967, astronauts Virgil I "Gus" Grissom, Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.
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Today-------Actor James Cromwell is 74, Actor John Witherspoon is 72, Entrepreneur Steve Wynn is 72, Drummer Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is 70, Dance Mikhail Baryshnikov is 66 and All-Pro football player Billy Johnson is 62.
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January 27th is: Auschwitz Liberation Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, Thomas Crapper Day and Viet Nam Peace Day.
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Quip for the day........Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Larryj
Today's------blonde joke day......
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:
"I don't know!"
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.
The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Today is Tuesday, January 28, the 28th day of the year. There are 337 days left in the year.
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In 1813, the novel "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen was first published anonymously in London.
In 1917, American forces were recalled after nearly eleven months of fruitless searching for Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa who was accused of leading a bloody raid on Columbus, New Mexico.
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.
In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actor Nicholas Pryor is 79, Actor Alan Alda is 78, Actress Susan Howard is 70, Basketball coach Gregg Popovich is 65, Model Barbi Benton is 64 and Author Rick Warren is 60.
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January 28th is: Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----gotcha.....
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
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Today is Wednesday, January 29, the 29th day of the year. There are 336 days left in the year.
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In 1845, Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.
In 1861, Kansas became the 34th state to enter the Union as a free state.
In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.
In 1936, the first inductees of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, New York.
In 1958, actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married.
___________________________________________
Today----Feminist author Germaine Greer is 75, Actress Katharine Ross is 74, Singer Claudine Longet is 72, Actor Tom Selleck is 69, Soccer player David Hay is 66, Actress Ann Jillian is 64, Musician Tommy Ramone (The Ramones) is 62, Singer Charlie Wilson is 61, TV actor Terry Kinney is 60 and Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is 60.
___________________________________________
January 29th is: Curmudgeon Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----yep.......
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, January 30, the 30th day of the year. There are 335 days left in the year.
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In 1835, Andrew Jackson became the first president to experience an assassination attempt.
In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor was launched from the Continental Iron Works in Greenpoint, New York, during the Civil War.
In 1882, future president Franklin D. Roosevelt was born.
In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.
___________________________________________
Today-----Director Michael Anderson is 94, Actress Dorothy Malone is 89. Actor Gene Hackman is 84, Actress Tammy Grimes is 80, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 77, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 77, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 73, Singer Marty Balin is 72, Coach Davey Johnson is 71, Rhythm-and-Blues musician William King (The Commodores) is 65, Singer Phil Collins is 63 and Actor Charles Dutton is 63.
___________________________________________
January 30th is: Inane Answering Machine Message Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---oh no.........
A redneck buys a lottery ticket and he wins. So he goes to the lottery official and hands in the winning ticket and says, "I want my $20 million."
The lottery official says, "That's not the way it works. You get a million now and the rest over the next nineteen years."
The redneck says, "Nope, I want my $20 million right now. I won it and it's mine."
Again, the lottery official says, "You can't have it all now. You get a million now and the rest over the next nineteen years."
The redneck then said, "Give me my $20 million now or GIVE ME MY DOLLAR BACK!"
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, January 31, the 31st day of the year. There are 334 days left in the year.
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In 1865, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the 13th Amendment to the Constitution abolishing slavery in America.
In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Gold Reserve Act.
In 1958, the United States entered the Space Age with the first successful launch of a satellite into orbit, Explorer 1.
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Today-------Actress Carol Channing is 93, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 83, Composer Philip Glass is 77, Singer Charlie Musselwhite is 70, Director Glynn Turman is 67. Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 67, Singer-musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and The Sunshine Band) is 63 and Guitarist Adrian Vanderberg is 60.
___________________________________________
January 31st is: Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day, Chinese New Year (Year of the Horse), Fun At Work Day, Inspire Your Heart With Art Day, National Pre-school Fitness Day and Street Children Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....My ex-wife's other car is a broom.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------old but funny......
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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Today is Saturday, February 1, the 32nd day of the year, There are 333 days left in the year.
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In 1790, in New York City's Royal Exchange building, the Supreme Court of the United States met for the first time with Chief Justice John Jay presiding.
In 1861, Texas voted to leave the Union at a Secession Convention in Austin.
In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, North Carolina, where they had been refused service.
In 1968, Richard M. Nixon announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.
In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry, killing all seven of its crew members.
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Today-----Singer Don Everly is 77, Comedian Garrett Morris is 77, Author Terry Spinelli is 73, Comedian Terry Jones is 72 and TV actor Bill Mumy is 60.
___________________________________________
February 1st is: American Dental Association-Give kids A Smile Day, Car Insurance Day, Change Your Password Day, Decorating With Candy Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, International Face And Body Art Day, Freedom Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Serpent Day, Spunky Old Broads Day, Take Your Child To The Library Day and Working Naked Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally of dealing with men.
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Larryj
Today's-------oh no......
One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 29 years."
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Today is Sunday, February 2, the 33rd day of the year. There are 332 days left in the year.
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In 1653, New Amsterdam (now New York City) was incorporated.
In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War was signed.
In 1876, the National League of Professional Baseball Clubs, which became known as the National League, was formed. (The American League was established in 1901 and, in 1903, the first World Series was held.)
In 1887, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, held its first Groundhog Day festival.
In 1914, Charlie Chaplin's movie debut was in the short "Making a Living" from Keystone Film Company.
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Today------Baseball player Red Schoendienst is 91, Journalist Liz Smith is 91, Broadway Actress Elaine Stritch is 89, Actor Robert Mandan is 82, Comedian Tommy Smothers is 77, TV actor David Jason is 74, Rock singer guitarist Graham Nash is 72, Television executive Barry Diller is 72, Actor Bo Hopkins is 70, Actor Blake Clark is 68, Country singer Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 68, TV actor Jack McGee is 65, Actor Brent Spiner is 65, Reality star Duane Chapman is 61 and Model Christie Brinkley is 60.
___________________________________________
February 2nd is: Ayn Rand Day, World Wetlands Day, Candelmas, Crepe Day, Dump Your Significant Other Day, Groundhog Day, National Girls and Women In Sports Day, Sled Dog Day, Super Bowl XLVIII, Popcorn Day and World Play Your Ukulele Day.
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Quip for the day.........I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV, but it's still as stupid as ever.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----groaner.....
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
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Today is Monday, February 3, the 34th day of the year. There are 331 days left in the year.
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In 1889, Myra Belle Shirley, also known as the outlaw Belle Starr, was shot in the back by an unknown assailant.
In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution providing for a federal income tax, was ratified.
In 1924, Woodrow Wilson, the 28th President of the United States, died in Washington, D.C., at age 67.
In 1959, Rock-and-Roll stars Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
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Today-----Comedian Shelley Berman is 89, Author Stuart Hall is 82, Pro Football player Fran Tarkenton is 74, Actress Blyther Danner is 71, Singer Dennis Edwards is 71, Comedian Roy Chubby Brown is 69, Pro football player Bob Griese is 69, Guitarist Dave Davies (The Kinks) is 67, Author Paul Auster is 67, Actress Morgan Fairchild is 64 and Baseball player Fred Lynn is 62.
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February 3rd is: Four Chaplains Memorial Day and The Day The Music Died.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......If you want the last word in an argument, just say, "You're right."
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah.....
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna kill myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
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Today is Tuesday, February 4, the 35th day of the year. There are 330 days left in the year.
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In 1789, Electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.
In 1861, delegates from the six southern states that had recently seceded from the Union met in Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America.
In 1932, President Franklin D. Roosevelt opened the Winter Olympic Games at Lake Placid.
In 1941, the United Service Organizations (USO) came into existence.
In 1974, 19-year-old newspaper heiress Patty Hearst was kidnapped from her apartment in Berkeley, California, by members of the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1983, singer Karen Carpenter died from heart failure brought on by her struggle with anorexia.
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Today------Actor William Phipps is 92, Comedian David Brenner is 78, Actor Gary Conway is 78, Movie director George A. Romero is 74, Singer Florence LaRue (Fifth Dimension) is 70, Singer Alice Cooper is 66, Actor Michael Beck is 65, Musician Phil Ehart (Kansas) is 64 and Actress Lisa Eichorn is 62.
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February 4th is: Facebook's Birthday, African American Coaches Day, Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day and World Cancer Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......I honestly believe that dust protects furniture.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----blonde day....
A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"
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Today is Wednesday, February 5, the 36th day of the year. There are 329 days left in the year.
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In 1783, Sweden recognized the independence of the United States.
In 1883, the Southern Pacific Railroad completed its transcontinental "Sunset Route" from New Orleans to California.
In 1922, the first edition of Readers Digest was published.
In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed increasing the number of U.S. Supreme Court justices; the proposal failed.
In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell onto the surface of the Moon in the first of two lunar excursions.
___________________________________________
Today-------Sportscaster Don Cherry is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 80, TV actor David Selby is 73, Pro football player Roger Staubach is 72, Director Michael Mann is 71, Race car driver Darrell Waltrip is 67, Actress Barbara Hershey is 66, Actor Christopher Guest is 66 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 66.
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February 5th is: Adlai Stevenson Day, Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, Pennsylvania, Day, Weatherman's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day and Digital Learning Day.
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Quip for the day......People are like tea bags. They don't realize their strength until they are in hot water.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah........
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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Today is Thursday, February 6, the 37th day of the year. There are 328 days left in the year.
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In 1891, members of the Dalton Gang staged an unsuccessful train robbery near Alila, California...their first.
In 1911, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, was born in Tampico, Illinois.
In 1943, a Los Angeles jury acquitted actor Errol Flynn of three counts of statutory rape.
In 1959, the U.S. successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile.
In 1993, tennis champion Arthur Ashe died of complications from AIDS in New York City at age 49.
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Today--------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 97, Actor Patrick Macnee is 91, Actor Rip Torn is 83, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 82, Former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw is 74, TV actor Mike Ferrell is 74, Singer Fabian is 70, TV actor Michael Tucker is 69, Singer Natalie Cole is 64 and Actor Kevin Whately is 62.
___________________________________________
February 6th is: Canadian Maple Syrup Day and Lame Duck Day.
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Quip for the day.....I gave up computer dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC and a laptop.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------funny.......
A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them: "When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your chute to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began shoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooper exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him in the eye and asked, "What did you say that guy's name was?"
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, February 7, the 38th day of the year. There are 327 days left in the year.
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In 1812, the most violent of a series of earthquakes near Missouri caused a so-called fluvial tsunami in the Mississippi River actually making the river run backward for several hours.
In 1914, Keystone Film Company released the silent short comedy "Kid Auto Races at Venice," Charles Chaplin's second film, and the first in which he played the Little Tramp.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.
In 1964, The Beatles began their first American tour as they arrived at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport where they cracked wise during a chaotic press conference while thousands of their fans were jammed inside the terminal.
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Today-----Author Gay Talese is 82, Astronaut Alfred Worden is 82 and Musician King Curtis is 80.
___________________________________________
February 7th is: Ballet Day, Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Bubble Gum Day, Cordova Ice Worm Day (7-9), "e" Day, Girl Scout Cookie Day, Give Kids A Smile Day, Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day and Wear Red Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------oldie, but one of my favorites........
Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"
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Today is Saturday, February 8, the 39th day of the year. There are 326 days left in the year.
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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Roanoke Island, North Carolina, ended in victory for Union forces led by Gen. Ambrose E. Burnside.
In 1922, President Warren G. Harding had a radio installed in the White House.
In 1942, during World War II, Japanese forces began invading Singapore, which fell a week later.
In 1943, Japanese forces evacuated Guadalcanal leaving the island in Allied control.
In 1990, Charles Westover, born in Grand Rapids, Michigan, best known as singer-songwriter, Del Shannon, committed suicide at age 56.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actor Jack Larson (TV: "Adventures of Superman) is 86, Composer-conductor John Williams is 82, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 74, Actor Nick Nolte is 73, Comedian Robert Klein is 72, TV actor Creed Bratton is 71, TV actress Julie Barr is 65 and Actress Mary Steenburgen is 61.
___________________________________________
February 8th is: Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh And Get Rich Day and Opera Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....If you are the low man on the totem pole, just remember......if it wasn't for you the whole thing would fall over.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------another oh no......
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
___________________________________________
Today is Sunday, February 9, the 40th day of the year. There are 325 days left in the year.
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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.
In 1861, Jefferson Davis was elected provisional president of the Confederate States of America at a congress held in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1870, the U.S. Weather Bureau was established.
In 1942, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff held its first formal meeting to coordinate military strategy during World War II.
In 1971, pitcher Leroy "Satchel" Paige became the first Negro League veteran to be nominated for the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was inducted in August.
___________________________________________
Today-----Television journalist Roger Mudd is 86, TV actor Clive Smith is 78, Songwriter Barry Mann is 75, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 72, Actor Joe Pesci is 71, Author Alice Walker is 70, Actress Mia Farrow is 69, Former football player Vince Papale is 68, Country singer Joe Ely is 67, Actress Judith Light is 65 and TV actor Ciaran Hinds is 61.
___________________________________________
February 9th is: Autism Sunday, Man Day, National Stop Bullying Day, Read In The Bathtub Day, Toothache Day and World Marriage Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah.........
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out......
"Watch out for the wall!"
___________________________________________
Today is Monday, February 10, the 41st day of the year. There are 324 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1763, the Seven Years War, known in America as the French and Indian War, ended with the signing of the Treaty of Paris.
In 1846, the Mormons of Nauvoo, Illinois, began their Westward migration that brought them to the valley of the Great Salt Lake in Utah.
In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.
In 1967, the 27th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.
In 2009, U.S. and Russian communication satellites collided in the first-ever crash of its kind in orbit, shooting out a pair of massive debris clouds.
___________________________________________
Today------Cinematographer Douglas Slocombe is 101, Singer Leontyne Price is 87, Actor Robert Wagner is 84, Singer Robert Flack is 77, Musician-drummer Niger Olsson is 65, Olympic Gold-Medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 64 and Walt Disney Co. Chairman and CEO Robert Iger is 63.
___________________________________________
February 10th is: Plimsoll Day and Westminster Dog Show (10-11).
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......You can complain that roses have thorns or you can rejoice the thorns have roses.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----oldie but goodie.......
John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Today is Tuesday, February 11, the 42nd day of the year. There are 323 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln left his home in Springfield, Illinois, to travel to Washington, D.C., on a two-car private train.
In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin signed the Yalta Agreement during World War II.
In 1970, Japan became the world's fourth space power after successfully launching its first satellite into orbit.
___________________________________________
Today-------Actress Tina Louise is 80, Fashion Designer Mary Quant is 80, Actor Burt Reynolds is 78, Bandleader Sergio Mendes is 73 and Author Joy Williams is 70.
___________________________________________
February 11th is: Be Electrific Day, Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day, Get Out Your Guitar Day, Make A Friend's Day, Pro Sports Wives Day, National Shut-in Visitation Day, White Shirt or White T-shirt Day, World Day Of The Sick and Extraterrestrial Visitor Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Time is always wasted when you are wasted all the time.
___________________________________________
Larryj
___________________________________________
Today's-------and another oldie, but good one........
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
___________________________________________
Today is Wednesday, February 12, the 43rd day of the year. There are 322 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, Kentucky.
In 1909, The National Association for the Advancement of Color People was founded.
In 1914, groundbreaking took place for the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1924, George Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue" was performed for the first time at the Aoelian Hall in New York City.
In 1976, Actor Sal Mineo was stabbed to death in Hollywood, California.
In 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.
___________________________________________
Today-------Movie director Franco Zeffirelli is 91, Former baseball player Joe Garagiola is 88, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 80, Author Judy Blume is 76, Actress Maud Adams is 69, Actor Robin Thomas is 65, Singer Steve Hackett (Genesis) is 64, Actor Michael Ironside is 64, Rock singer Michael McDonald is 62 and TV actress Joanna Kerns is 61.
___________________________________________
February 12th is: Darwin Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day and Safety Pup Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day..........Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----keep this in mind......
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, February 13, the 44th day of the year. There are 321 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election.
In 1861, the earliest military action to be revered with a Medal of Honor was performed by Colonel Bernard Irwin, an assistant Army surgeon serving in the first U.S.-Apache conflict in Southeastern Arizona.
In 1935, a jury found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. (He was later executed.)
In 1980, the 13th Winter Olympics opened in Lake Placid, New York.
___________________________________________
Today----U.S. Air Force Maj. Gen. Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager (ret.) is 91, Actress Kim Novak is 81, Actor George Segal is 80, Actress Carol Lynley is 72, Singer Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 72, Actress Stockard Channing is 70, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 70, Singer Peter Gabriel is 64, Actress Ewa Aulin is 64 and Actor David Naughton is 63.
___________________________________________
February 13th is: Desperation Day, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, International Condom Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and World Radio Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Just plead the Fifth..........or drink it..........either way.
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Larryj
thanks for this post you do,its hilarious
(upoladeb......I like to start every day with a smile)
Today's-----Happy Valentine's Day........
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciates the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
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Today is Friday, February 14, the 45th day of the year. There are 320 days left in the year.
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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.
In 1859, Oregon became the 33rd state admitted to the Union.
In 1886, the first trainload of oranges grown in Southern California left Los Angeles on the transcontinental railroad.
In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.
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Today--------TV personality Hugh Downs is 93, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 80, Golfer Mickey Wright is 79, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 70 and Magician Raymond Teller is 66.
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February 14th is: Ferris Wheel Day, Frederick Douglass Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Library Lovers Day, National Have A Heart Day, (World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League Of Women Voters Day, Race Relations Day, Singles Awareness Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentine's Day.
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Quip for the day........(a nice Valentine's Day thought).....It's not that I can't live without you....it's just that I don't even want to try.
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Larryj
Today's---------an oldie, but worth the laugh......
A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
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Today is Saturday, February 15, the 46th day of the year. There are 319 days left in the year.
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In 1764, the site of present-day St. Louis was established by Pierre Laclede and Auguste Chouteau.
In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.
In 1903, the first "Teddy" bear went on sale.
In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak; gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed four weeks later.
In 1961, the 18-member U.S. figure skating team was killed in a plane crash in Belgium.
In 1984, Ethel Merman died from natural causes in New York City.
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Today-----Cartoonist Norman Bridwell is 86, Actress Claire Bloom is 83, Songwriter Brian Holland is 73, Former baseball player Ron Cey is 66, Former football player Ken Anderson is 65, Actress Jane Seymour is 63, Singer Melissa Manchester is 63, Dancer Bill T. Jones is 62, Actress Lynn Whitfield is 61 and "Simpsons" creator-director Matt Groening is 60.
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February 15th is: Angelman Syndrome Day, National Hippo Day, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.
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Quip for the day.......Regardless of the temptation, do not lick a steak knife.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah....
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
"Well, you know how she is."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."
"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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Today is Sunday, February 16, the 47th day of the year. There are 318 days left in the year.
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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to the burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates during the First Barbary War.
In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson in Tennessee ended as some 12,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered; Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant's victory earned him the nickname "Unconditional Surrender Grant".
In 1878, the Bland-Allison Act became law making silver dollars legal tender.
In 1894, infamous gunslinger John Wesley Hardin was pardoned after spending 15 years in a Texas prison for murder.
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Today----Soap opera actress June Brown is 87, Broadway actor Brian Bedford is 79, Author Richard Ford is 70, Actor William Katt is 63 and Singer James Ingram is 62.
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February 16th is: NBA All-Star Game, Kyoto Protocol Day, National Almond Day and Daytona Pole Day.
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Quip for the day........Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night. First the ring then you wake up.
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Larryj
Today's--------funny.......
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God! I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Today is Monday, February 17, the 48th day of the year. There are 317 days left in the year.
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In 1820, the Senate passed the Missouri Compromise in an attempt to deal with the dangerously divisive issue of extending slavery into the Western territories.
In 1863, the International Red Cross was founded in Geneva.
In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington, D.C.
In 1947, the Voice of America began its first radio broadcasts to the Soviet Union.
In 1959, the U.S. launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment.
In 1964, the Supreme Court, in Wasberry v. Sanders, ruled that congressional districts within each state had to be roughly equal in population.
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Today-----Actor Hal Holbrook is 89, TV actress Patricia Routledge is 85, TV actress Christina Pickles is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 78, Author Mary Frances Berry is 76, TV actress Mary Ann Mobley is 75, Singer Vincente Fernandez is 74 and Actress Rene Russo is 60.
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February 17th is: Champion Crab Races Day, My Way Day, Presidents Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.
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Quip for the day.......There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
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Larryj
Today's------groaner........
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.
"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
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Today is Tuesday, February 18, the 49th day of the year. There are 316 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published.
In 1960, the 8th Winter Olympics were formally opened in Squaw Valley, California, by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.
In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt Sr. died in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.
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Today-------Actor George Kennedy is 89, Author Toni Morrison is 83, Director Milos Forman is 82, Singer Yoko Ono is 81, Singer Dennis Deyoung is 67, TV actress Jess Walton is 65, Actress Cybill Shepherd is 64, Singer Juice Newton is 62, Singer Randy Crawford is 62 and Actor John Travolta is 60.
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February 18th is: Battery Day, Cow Milked On An Airplane Day, National Drink Wine Day and Pluto Day.
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Quip for the day.....You know you live in a small town when everyone knows your credit is good and whose spouse isn't.
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Larryj
Today's------funny.......
IT'S A REDNECK'S COMPUTER IF........
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....
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Today is Wednesday, February 19, the 50th day of the year. There are 315 days left in the year.
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In 1847, the first rescuers reached the Donner Party stranded by snow in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
In 1878, Thomas Alva Edison received a patent for a device which recorded and played black.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 9066, clearing the way for the U.S. military to intern Japanese-Americans during World War II.
In 1976, calling the issuing of Executive Order 9066 "a sad day in American history," President Gerald R. Ford issued a proclamation confirming that the order had been terminated with the cessation of hostilities of World War II.
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Today---Singer Smokey Robinson is 74, Singer-songwriter Lou Christie is 71, Guitarist Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) is 66, Actor Scott Paulin is 64 and Author Amy Tan is 62.
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February 19th is: Chocolate Mint Day, Iwo Jima Day, International Tug-of-War Day and Single Tasking Day.
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Quip for the day..........The trouble with being punctual is that there is nobody there to appreciate it.
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Larryj
Today's------good one.....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Today is Thursday, February 20, the 51st day of the year. There are 314 days left in the year.
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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.
In 1933. Congress proposed the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to repeal Prohibition.
In 1962, Astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth.
In 1976, after 22 years, the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization (SEATO) concluded its final military exercise and shut down.
In 1998, U.S. figure skater Tara Lipinski became the youngest gold medalist in her sport at Nagano, Japan.
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Today-----Gloria Vanderbilt is 90, Actor Sidney Poitier is 87, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 80, Jazz-soul singer Nancy Wilson is 77, Singer Buffy Sainte-Marie is 73, Former hockey player Phil Exposito is 72, Director Mike Leigh is 71, Actress Sandy Duncan is 68, Actor Peter Strauss is 67, Actress Jennifer O'Neil is 66, Ivana Trump is 65, Guitarist Poison Ivy (The Cramps) is 61 and Actor Anthony Head is 60.
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February 20th is: Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day, Love Your Pet Day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day, The Great American Spit Out and World Day For Social Justice.
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Quip for the day.......Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
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Larryj
Today's--------ouch........
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the following week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Fred," she suggested. "Let's slaughter a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Hazel," he finally answered, "I don't see why a pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
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Today is Friday, February 21, the 52nd day of the year. There are 313 days left in the year.
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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon became the first and only American slave-trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820 as he was hanged in New York.
In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.
In 1925, the New Yorker Magazine made its debut.
In 1945, during the World War II Battle of Iwo Jima. the escort carrier USS Bismarck Sea was sunk by Kamikazes with the loss of 318 men.
In 1948, the National Association for Stock Car Racing (NASCAR) was officially incorporated.
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Today-------Film/music company executive David Geffen is 71, Actor Alan Rickman is 68, Actress Tyne Daly is 68, Actor Anthony Daniels is 68, Tricia Nixon Cox is 68 and TV actor William Petersen is 61.
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February 21st is: International Mother Language Day.
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Quip for the day.....Some people think I am special.......I prefer to think of myself as a "limited edition."
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Larryj
Today's-------this is too good not to share.....
The Naming of Jesus
A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ.
One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews.
The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named.
When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got
lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head.
"Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and that is how the baby was named.
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Today is Saturday, February 22, the 53rd day of the year. There are 312 days left in the year.
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In 1819, then Secretary of State John Quincy Adams signed the Florida Purchase Agreement in which Spain agreed to cede the remainder of its old province in Florida to the U.S.
In 1865, Tennessee adopted a new constitution which included abolition of slavery.
In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge delivered the first radio broadcast from the White House as he addressed the country over 42 stations.
In 1959, the inaugural Daytona 500 race was held.
In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" took place in Lake Placid, New York, as the U.S. Olympic hockey team upset the Soviet team. 4-3.
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Today----Announcer Don Pardo is 96, Game show host Bruce Forsyth is 86, Actor James Hong is 85, Race car driver Niki Lauda is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 64, Actress Julie Walters is 64, Actress Ellen Greene is 63, TV actor Nigel Planer is 61 and Race car driver Chuck Brown is 60.
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February 22nd is: International Sword Swallowers Day, International Tongue Twister Day, National Margarita Day, Open That Bottle Night, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day, Tex Avery Day and George Washington's Birthday.
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Quip for the day........No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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Larryj
Today's------hah..........
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
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Today is Sunday, February 23, the 54th day of the year. There are 311 days left in the year.
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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.
In 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an agreement with Cuba to lease the area around Guantanamo Bay to the United States.
In 1945, the U.S. Marines captured Mt. Suribachi on Iwo Jima.
In 1954, the first mass inoculation of schoolchildren against polio using the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburg as some 5,000 students were vaccinated.
In 1980, speed skater Eric Heiden won the 10,000-meter race at the Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York, setting a world record for his time and winning a fifth gold medal.
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Today-----Actor Peter Fonda is 74, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 71, Author John Sandford is 70, Guitarist Johnny Winters is 70, Football player Ed "Too Tall" Jones is 63, Actress Patricia Richardson is 63, Director Marshall Herckovitz is 62 and Guitarist Brad Whitford (Aerosmith) is 62.
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February 23rd is: Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day, Daytona 500 and National Dog Biscuit Day.
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Quip for the day.......I'm busier than a one-toothed man at a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
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Larryj
Today's-------a different take on an old joke....
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
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Today is Monday, February 24, the 55th day of the year. There are 310 days left in the year.
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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued an edict outlining his calendar reforms. The Gregorian calendar is the calendar in general use today.
In 1803, in its Marbury v. Madison decision, the Supreme Court established judicial review of the constitutionality of statutes.
In 1868, the U.S. House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his attempted dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton. Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.
In 1991, after six weeks of intensive bombing against Iraq, U.S.-led ground forces launched an invasion of Kuwait and Iraq.
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Today------Actor Abe Vigoda is 03, Actor Stephen Hill is 92, Actress Emmanuelle Riva is 87, Soccer player Denis Law is 74, Actor Barry Bostwick is 69, Actor Edward James Olmos is 67, Actor Dennis Waterman is 66, Rock musician George Thorogood is 64 and Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 63.
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February 24th is: Museum Advocacy Day and World Bartender Day.
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Quip for the day........Gun Control; def; (1) using both hands.
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Larryj
Today's-----oh no........
It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..
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Today is Tuesday, February 25, the 56th day of the year. There are 309 days left in the year.
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In 1836, inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver.
In 1862, the U.S. Congress passed the Legal Tender Act authorizing the use of paper notes to pay the government's bills.
In 1870, Hiram Rhoades Revels, a Republican from Natchez, Mississippi, became the first African-American to sit in Congress.
In 1964, Muhammad Ali (then known as Cassius Clay) became the world heavyweight boxing champion as he defeated Sonny Liston in Miami Beach. (The victory was scored as a technical knockout when an injured Liston failed to answer the bell for the seventh round.)
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Today------TV show host Sally Jesse Raphael is 79, Actor Tom Courtenay is 77, CBS newsman Bob Schieffer is 77, TV actress Karen Grassle is 72 and Humorist Jack Handley is 65.
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February 25th is: Spay Day USA.
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Quip for the day.......Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
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Larryj
Today's----too funny......
Two guys are out hunting deer.
The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says,"Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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Today is Wednesday, February 26, the 57th day of the year. There are 308 days left in the year.
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In 1904, the U.S. and Panama proclaimed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to build a ship canal across the Panama Isthmus.
In 1919, the Grand Canyon National Park was established and ten years later, Feb. 26, 1929, the Grand Tetons National Park was established.
In 1993, a bomb exploded in the parking garage beneath the World Trade Center killing six people and injuring 1,000 others.
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Today----Game show host Tom Kennedy is 87, Singer Fats Domino is 86, Actor Bill Duke is 71, Singer Sandie Shaw is 67, Singer Michael Bolton us 61 and Actress Barbara Niven is 61.
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February 26th is: National Personal Chef's Day, For Pete's Sake Day, Levi Strauss Day, National Bacon Day, World Pistachio Day and Inconvenience Yourself Day.
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Quip for the day.........A huge and difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
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Larryj
Today's------even funnier....
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
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Today is Thursday, February 27, the 58th day of the year. There are 307 days left in the year.
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In 1801, the District of Columbia was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress.
In 1922, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of women to vote.
In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.
In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, President George H.W. Bush declared that "Kuwait is liberated."
___________________________________________
Today------Actress Joanne Woodward is 84, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 80, TV actor Van Williams is 80, TV actor Howard Hesseman is 74 and TV actress Debra Monk is 65.
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February 27th is: International Polar Bear Day, National Chili Day and National Day Of Action (Peace Corps).
___________________________________________
Quip for the day...........I'm old...........there's a nap for that.
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Larryj
Are you getting much needed rain? Too much?
Today's-----someone hasn't heard this one......
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here. Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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Today is Friday, February 28, the 59th day of the year. There are 306 days left in the year.
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In 1861, following the discovery of gold on Pike's Peak, Congress created the Territory of Colorado.
In 1911, President William Howard Taft nominated William H. Lewis to be the first black Assistant Attorney General.
In 1953, James D. Watson and Francis H.C. Crick announced they had discovered the double-helix structure of DNA.
In 1983, after 11 season, the sitcom M*A*S*H* ended with a special 2 1/2 hour special episode.
In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a religious compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to arrest Branch Davidian leader David Koresh; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.
___________________________________________
Today----Architect Frank Gehry is 85, Actor Gavin McLeod is 83, Actor Don Francks is 82, Actor Tommy Tune is 75, Hall-of-Fame Racer Mario Andretti is 74, Actress Kelly Bishop is 70 and Actress Bernadette Peters is 66.
___________________________________________
February 28th is: Floral Design Day, National Tooth Fairy Day, Read Me Day, Rare Disease Day and US Snow Shoe Days (2/28-3/2).
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Old Irish Wedding Blessing........May every day of your life together be worse than the next.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Diane, we are indeed getting rain. It rained early Thursday morning, actually during the night Wednesday, but by about 10 AM, the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue. The second storm hit us last night around midnight and this one is supposed to really dump some rain on us. But it is not so heavy that it just runs off. The biggest problem is the recent burn area in the local mountains from a few weeks ago. There is no vegetation to hold the hillsides and people in that area are being told to evacuate because of the probability of mudslides.
Larryj
How far away from you are the evacuations taking place? I know you aren't too far from that last burn area. really a shame.
We are about 10 miles from the foothills where the evacuations are taking place, but in this huge area, there is nothing but houses and stores, etc., between us and that. No worries here. In picking up the granddaughters from school today, there was no tree club meeting. Some of us usually sit under the oak tree and wait for the older kids to get out. But today was too wet and too cold and too windy. I brought the kindergartener home because #3 granddaughter was here and then went back for #1. In the five miles between home and school, I got dumped on pretty heavy at times. At one point, I thought it was hail, but just big drops. This storm is supposed to last through the rest of today and tonight and into tomorrow. The news is going pretty much all the time because of the danger of mudslides. What is worse is the idiots that have to venture out to the Los Angeles River in the downtown area to see the water. There are also homeless camps along there. So naturally people get trapped by the flood waters and have to be rescued by the swift water rescue teams. Sometimes this involves a helicopter, but today was too windy. Two of these idiots and two pit bulls became trapped and had to be rescued. The swift rescue team had to get out to them and tie off some ropes to tree trunks and then pull a raft over from the road to where they were. it took about an hour, but they got it done. People here are not used to heavy weather and want to be looky loos and get into trouble. If you remember the movie Grease, there was a scene of a car race in a concrete wash area. That is the Los Angeles River which usually doesn't have much water in it.......until it rains.
It is a good day to stay in and drink hot chocolate. The wife, however, decided to take the girls to Skyzone so they could jump in the bouncy houses. This required me to have to move car seats for the two younger ones to her car. So I got a little wet...........but hey, anything for the grandkids, right?
Larryj
I'm glad to hear all is more or less good with you. The news had shown some really rough stuff. I hate when the rubber neckers/dare devils get into trouble and cause our swift water rescue teams to have to risk themselves for someone/ones who should have known better. Stay safe and enjoy that hot chocolate.
Al is getting ready to take the snow blower back out of the little barn and put it back in the garage....AGAIN!!!!! Sunday night into Monday could be really bad again depending on the details of the storm's path.We have all had just about enough.
Today's-----hah......
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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Today is Saturday, March 1, the 60th day of the year. There are 305 days left in the year.
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In 1781, the Articles of Confederation were finally ratified.
In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.
In 1872, President Ulysses S. Grant signed an act creating Yellowstone National Park.
In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anna Lindbergh, was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, New Jersey.
In 1943, wartime rationing of processed foods began in the U.S.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy issued an executive order establishing the Peace Corps.
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Today-----Actor Robert Clary is 88, Singer Harry Belafonte is 87, Actor Robert Conrad is 79, Singer Roger Daltrey (The Who) is 70, Actor Dirk Benedict is 69, Actress Lana Wood is 68, Actor Alan Thicke is 67, Actor-Director Ron Howard is 60 and Actress Catherine Bach is 60.
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March 1st is: Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day, Wear Yellow Day, National Horse Protection Day, National Peanut Lover's Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Refired, Not Retired Day, Saint David's Day, Sock Monkey Day, World Compliment Day and Zero Discrimination Day.
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Quip for the day........Living on Earth can be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the Sun.
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Larryj
Today's---------good one......
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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Today is Sunday, March 2, the 61st day of the year. There are 304 days left in the year.
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In 1836, the Republic of Texas declared its independence from Mexico.
In 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the 1876 presidential winner. Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, the popular vote winner.
In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act.
In 1939, Massachusetts lawmakers ratified the Bill of Rights, 147 years after the first 10 Amendments were effected.
In 1966, in Dearborn, Michigan, Ford Motor Company celebrated the production of its 1 millionth Mustang, a white convertible. The mustang model was officially launched two years earlier on April 17, 1964.
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Today----Author Tom Wolfe is 83, Actress Barbara Luna is 75, Author John Irving is 72, Guitarist Larry Carlton is 66, Actress Gates McFadden is 65, Actress Cassie Yates is 63 and Actress Larraine Newman is 62.
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March 2nd is: Academy Awards Night, Daughters' And Sons' Day, Dr. Seuss Day, Iditarod Begins, Namesake Day, National Frozen Food Day and National Peanut Butter And Jelly Day.
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Quip for the day.......A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
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Larryj
Today's----hah........
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me". She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!
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Today is Monday, March 3, the 62nd day of the year. There are 303 days left in the year.
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In 1820, Congress passed the Missouri Compromise.
In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.
In 1931, President Herbert Hoover signed a congressional act making "The Star Spangled Banner" the official national anthem of the United States.
In 1991, motorist Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police officers in a scene captured on amateur video.
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Today-----Movie producer-director George Miller is 69, Actress Hattie Winston is 69, Actor Larry Pine is 69, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 67, Astronaut Bonnie Dunbar is 65 and Actor Robert Gossett is 60.
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March 3rd is: Casimir Pulaski Day, Fun Facts About Names Day, I Want You To Be Happy Day, World Wildlife Day, National Anthem Day, NEA's Read Across America Day, Princess Day and What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you can't convince them, confuse them.
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Larryj
Today's----groaner.....
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
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Today is Tuesday, March 4, the 63rd day of the year. There are 302 days left In the year.
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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York.
In 1791, Vermont became the 14th state.
In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th President of the United States.
In 1994, in New York, four extremists were convicted of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing that killed six people and injured more than a thousand.
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Today-------Actress Paula Prentiss is 76, Movie director Adrian Lyne is 73, Reality Star Richard Harrison is 73, Singer Bobby Womack is 70, Bassist Chris Squire (Yes) is 66, Singer Chris Rea is 63, TV actor Ronn Moss is 62 and TV actress Kay Lenz is 61.
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March 4th is: Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Packzi Day, Shrovetide, Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, Holy Experiment Day, International Scrapbooking Industry Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day, Peace Corp Day, Toy Soldier Day and Unique Names Day.
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Quip for the day-----Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."
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Larryj
Today's-----about right.......
Health Care Differences
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with identical complaints.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever...
...the second is a Senior Citizen.
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Today is Wednesday, March 5, the 64th day of the year. There are 301 days left in the year.
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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who were taunted by a crowd of colonists opened fire, killing five people.
In 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the U.S. Army.
In 1963, Wham-O received a patent for its Hula Hoop which was first marketed in 1958.
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Today----Actor James Noble is 92, TV actor Dean Stockwell is 78, Former NFL player Fred Williamson is 76, Actress Samantha Eggar is 75, Actor Michael Warren is 68, Former NFL player Rocky Bleier is 68, Songwriter Tom Russell is 67 and Singer Elaine Paige is 66.
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March 5th is: Discover What Your Name Means Day, National Absinthe Day and Saint Piran's Day.
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Quip for the day......When I was younger, I just want a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.
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Larryj
Today's----old, but I like it.......
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the heck would you say?"
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Today is Thursday, March 6, the 65th day of the year. There are 300 days left in the year.
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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.
In 1899, the imperial Patent Office in Berlin registered Aspirin the brand name for Acetylsalicylic Acid on behalf of the Frederick Bayer Pharmaceutical Company.
In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies were first introduced by the National Biscuit Company.
In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.
In 1964, Heavyweight boxing champion Cassius Clay officially changed his name to Muhammad Ali.
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Today-----Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 74, TV actor Ben Murphy is 72, Singer Mary Wilson (The Supremes) is 70, Guitarist David Gilmore (Pink Floyd) is 68, Singer Kiki Dee is 67, Actress Anna Maria Horsford is 67, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 67 and TV actress Jacklyn Zeman is 61.
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March 6th is: Day Of The Dude, Nametag Day, Oreo Cookie Day and World Book Day.
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Quip for the day.......The economy is so bad......the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.
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Larryj
Today's------and another.....
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark," asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance."
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals."
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood and the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain."
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians."
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
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Today is Friday, March 7, the 66th day of the year. There are 299 days left in the year.
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In 1850, in a three-hour speech to the U.S. Senate, Daniel Webster of Massachusetts endorsed the Compromise of 1850 to help preserve the Union.
In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.
In 1885, the Kansas Legislature passed a law barring Texas cattle from the state between March 1 and December 1 in the latest action reflecting the love-hate relationship between Kansas and the cattle industry.
In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place between New York and London.
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Today---Photographer Lord Snowden is 84, TV personality Willard Scott is 80, Auto racer Janet Guthrie is 76, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 74, Entertainment executive Michael Eisner is 72, Actor John Heard is 68, Actor Robert Lawson is 67, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 64, Guitarist Ernie Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 62 and Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 62.
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March 7th is: Cereal Day, Employee Appreciation Day, Middle Name Pride Day, World Day of Prayer, Dress In Blue Day, National Be Heard Day, National Doodle Day and National Day Of Unplugging (7-8).
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Quip for the day....I SAW ELVIS!!!!!!! He was sitting between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
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Larryj
Today's----funny redneck joke....
Letter to Redneck Son
Dearest Son
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit and she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Today is Saturday, March 8, the 67th day of the year. There are 298 days left in the year.
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In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan; within a month he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.
In 1950, Volkswagen expanded its product line to include a microbus which went into production on this day.
In 1965, the U.S. landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam.
In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight Of The Century" in New York.
In 1999, New York Yankees baseball star Joe DiMaggio died at age 84.
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Today------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 78, Football player Pete Dawkins is 76. TV actress Susan Clark is 74, Baseball player Dick Allen is 72, Musician-actor-director Mickey Dolenz is 69, Songwriter Carole Bayer Sager is 67, Pop singer Peggy March is 66 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice is 61.
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March 8th is: Day For Women's Rights & International Peace, Genealogy Day, International Working Women's Day, International Fanny Pack Day, International Women's Day, National Proofreading Day and National Peanut Cluster Day.
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Quip for the day.........If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
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Larryj
Today's----oh no.......
A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion an confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Today is Sunday, March 9, the 68th day of the year. There are 297 days left in the year.
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In 1862, in the Civil War, ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merrimac) clashed for five hours to a draw in Hampton Roads, Virginia.
In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico, killing 18 Americans.
In 1959, the first Barbie doll went on display at the American Toy Fair in New York City.
In 1964, the first Ford Mustang, a Wimbledon White convertible, rolled off the production line in Dearborn, Michigan.
In 1985, the first-ever Adopt-A-Highway sign was erected on Texas' Highway 69.
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Today---Jazz saxophone player Ornette Coleman is 84, Singer-actress Keely Smith is 82, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 80, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 78, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 78, Journalist Charles Gibson is 71, Guitarist Robin Trower (Procol Harem) is 69, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 66, Country musician Jimmie Fadden (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66 and TV actress Lauren Koslow is 61.
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March 9th is: Barbie Day, Check Your Batteries Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Panic Day and Girl Scout Sunday.
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Quip for the day......When their baby was born, he was so big the doctor was scared to slap him.
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Larryj
Today's-------good one.....
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Edna, are sitting on the veranda. Mabel asks Edna about a man that has asked her out on a date because Edna had been out on a date with him before.
Edna says, "Oh, you are so lucky! He is the perfect gentleman. He showed up promptly at 7:00 PM dressed in a tux and escorted me out to a waiting limo. He took me to a fabulous restaurant and we had lobster and all the goodies that go with it. Then he took me back to his place. Then he suddenly changed. He went ballistic and ripped off my new expensive dress I had bought for the date."
Mabel says, "So, you're saying I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna says, "Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying wear a old cheap dress."
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Today is Monday, March 10, the 69th day of the year. There are 296 days left in the year.
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In 1785, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's ambassador to France, succeeding Benjamin Franklin.
In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell's assistant. Thomas Watson, heard Bell say over his experimental telephone, "Mr. Watson __ come here __ I want to see you."
In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in America from England.
In 1933, a magnitude 6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, California, resulted in 120 deaths.
In 1988, songwriter-singer Andy Gibb (BeeGees) died from inflammation of the heart at age 30.
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Today-----Actor Chuck Norris is 74 and Singer Tom Scholz (Boston) is 67.
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March 10th is: Fill Our Staplers Day, International Day Of Awesomeness, Land Line Telephone Day, Maria Day, Napping Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day and Women And Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......Epitaph: "Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake."
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake.
The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away. He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.
Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going. "Well" the neighbor says, "not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."
"Well, that does not sound too bad."
"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."
"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."
"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this. Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."
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Today is Tuesday, March 11, the 70th day of the year. There are 295 days left in the year.
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In 1779, Congress established the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
In 1861, the Constitution of the Confederate States of America was adopted by the Confederate Congress.
In 1888, one of the worst blizzards in American history struck the Northeast killing more than 400 people and dumping as much as 55 inches of snow in some areas.
In 1942, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines. (MacArthur vowed "I shall return" and kept that promise more than two years later.)
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Today------Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is 83, Journalist Sam Donaldson is 80, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 78, Director Charles W. Swan is 72, Actor Stan Sherman is 67 and Singer Bobby McFerrin is 64.
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March 11th is: Dream 2014 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Organize Your Home Office Day and World Plumbing Day.
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Quip for the day.........Today is a day for final decisions..........or is it?
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Larryj
Today's--------another oh no.......
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
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Today is Wednesday, March 12, the 71st day of the year. There are 294 days left in the year.
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In 1864, Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant assumed command as General-in-Chief of the Union Armies during the Civil War.
In 1912, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. had its beginnings as Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, Georgia, founded the first American troop of the Girl Guides.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio addresses that came to be known as "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.
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Today---Playwright Edward Albee is 86, Actress Barbara Feldon is 81, Singer Al Jarreau is 74, Actor Frank Welker is 68, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 68, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 66, Actor Jon Provost is 64 and Author Carl Hiaasen is 61.
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March 12th is: Girl Scout Birthday Day, Registered Dietician Day and World Maths Day.
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Quip for the day.........Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
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Larryj
Today's---one of my favorites.........
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
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Today is Thursday, March 13, the 72nd day of the year. There are 293 days left in the year.
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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners.
In 1868, for the first time in U.S. history, the impeachment of an American president got underway in the U.S. Senate. President Andrew Johnson was accused of violating the controversial Tenure of Office Act.
In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution.
In 1964, Bar manager Catherine "Kitty" Genovese, 28, was stabbed to death near her Queens, NY, apartment; the case generated controversy over the supposed reluctance of her neighbors to respond to her cries for help.
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Today-----Cartoonist Al Jaffee is 93, Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 89, Country singer Jan Howard is 84, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 75, Actor David Neilson is 65, Actor William H. Macy is 64, Journalist Charles Krauthammer is 64 and Author Ridley Peason is 61.
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March 13th is: Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day,
L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day, Smart And Sexy Day and World Kidney Day.
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Quip for the day.........I've got all the money I will ever need........if I die by 4:00 PM.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.......
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Today is Friday, March 14, the 73rd day of the year. There are 292 days left in the year.
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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.
In 1950, The FBI instituted its "Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" list in an effort to publicize dangerous fugitives.
In 1962, Democrat Edward Kennedy officially launched in Boston his successful candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat from Massachusetts once held by his brother John F. Kennedy. (Edward Kennedy served in the Senate for nearly 47 years.)
In 1964, Jack Ruby who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of John F. Kennedy, was found guilty of murder.
In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today-------Astronaut Frank Borman is 86, Actor Michael Caine is 81, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 81, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 73, Actor Steve Kanaly is 68 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 66.
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March 14th is: International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and World Sleep Day.
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Quip for the day.....I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury.
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Larryj
Today's-------late, very busy day........
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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Today is Saturday, March 15, the 74th day of the year. There are 291 days left in the year.
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In 44 B.C., Julius Caesar, the "dictator for life" of the Roman Empire, was murdered by his own senators.
(Beware The Ides of March)
In 1820, as part of the Missouri Compromise, Maine was admitted to the Union as the 23rd state.
In 1913, President Woodrow Wilson met with about 100 reporters for the first formal presidential news conference.
In 1964, actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage and his second.
In 1985, the first Internet domain name, symbolics.com was registered.
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Today------Astronaut Alan Bean is 82, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 81, Actor Judd Hirsch is 79, Religious leader Jimmy Swaggart is 79, Musician Phil Lesh (The Grateful Dead) is 74, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 73, Singer Sly Stone is 71 and Guitarist Ry Cooder is 67.
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March 15th is: Brutus Day, Buzzards Day, Ides Of March, International Sports Car Racing Day, International Day Of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter, National Quilting Day, True Confessions Day, World Consumer Rights Day and Corn Dog Day.
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Quip for the day......A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells a woman that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.....
A businessman is going to New York and calls a small airline for reservations. He wanted to avoid the big crowds of a larger plane and the small airline did state that they served a wonderful lunch.
He arrives at the airport and goes to the gate and boards the plane. He is thinking this is great.....only about ten other passengers, just what he wanted.
Later, the one and only stewardess came along and asked him if he wanted lunch. He replied, "What are my choices?"
She replied, "Yes and No."
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Today is Sunday, March 16, the 75th day of the year. There are 290 days left in the year.
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In 1802, the United States Military Academy was founded at West Point, New York.
In 1903, Roy Bean, the self-proclaimed "Law West Of The Pecos," died in Langtry, Texas.
In 1945, during World War II, American forces declared they had secured Iwo Jima, although pockets of Japanese resistance remained.
In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai Massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504 people.
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Today------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 88, Astronaut Walter Cunningham is 82, Game Show host Chuck Woolery is 73, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 73, Actor Erik Estrada is 65, Actor Victor Garber is 65, Actress Kate Nelligan is 63 and Rock singer-musician Nancy Wilson (Heart) is 60.
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March 16th is: Freedom Of Information Day, Curlew Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, Purim and St. Urho's Day.
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Quip for the day........to the best of my recollection...I don't remember.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny.........
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
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Today is Monday, March 17, the 76th day of the year. There are 289 days left in the year.
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In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.
In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."
In 1958, the Champs "Tequila" was the #1 song on the pop charts.
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Today------Actor Gabriele Ferzetti is 89, Astronaut Ken Mattingly is 78, Singer Paul Kantner is 73, Singer John Sebastian is 70, Model Pattie Boyd is 70, Actor Patrick Duffy is 65 and Actor Kurt Russell is 63.
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March 17th is: Campfire Girls Day, St. Patrick's Day, National Irish Coffee Day and Well-Elderly Day.
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Quip for the day......an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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Larryj
Today's---hah....
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver,
"What's that building there?"
"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.
"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.
"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years" replied the cabbie.
"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
"Danged if I know" replied the now irritated cabbie,"It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
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Today is Tuesday, March 18, the 77th day of the year. There are 288 days left in the year.
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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.
In 1937, at the Consolidated School of New London, Texas, nearly 300 students were killed by an explosion of natural gas.
In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill.
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Today-----Singer Charlie Pride is 76, Sportscaster Ron Atkinson is 75 and Actor Kevin Dobson is 71.
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March 18th is: Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom And Dad Day and National Biodiesel Day.
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Quip for the day.......My mail is a little slow. Last month the flower seeds I ordered came as a bouquet.
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Larryj
Today's------busy day.....this one is old, but funny.....
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."
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Today is Wednesday, March 19, the 78th day of the day. There are 287 days left in the year.
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In 1916, eight "Jenny" planes of the First Aero Squadron took off from Columbus, New Mexico, for the support of 7000 U.S. troops who had invaded Mexico in search of Pancho Villa. This was the first airplane combat mission.
In 1918, Congress approved Daylight Savings Time.
In 1931, Nevada Governor Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.
In 1945, 724 people were killed when a Japanese dive bomber attacked the carrier USS Franklin off Japan; the ship, however, was saved.
In 1957, Elvis Presley put a $1000 down payment on a house near Memphis which eventually became known as Graceland.
In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.
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Today--------Author Philip Roth is 81, Actress Renee Taylor is 81, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 81, Actress Ursula Andress is 78, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 68, Actress Glenn Close is 67 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 62.
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March 19th is: Client's Day, Goddess Of Fertility Day, Kick Butts Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return To San Juan Capistrano Day.
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Quip for the day........I'm dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.
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Larryj
Today's------old, but funny, redneck joke......
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill." As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"
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Today is Thursday, March 20, the 79th day of the year. There are 286 days left in the year.
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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.
In 1854, former members of the Whig party met in Ripon, Wisconsin, to establish the Republican Party.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of U.S. troops in Alabama to protect civil rights marchers.
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Today-------Singer Dame Vera Lynn is 97, Actor Carl Reiner is 92, Actor Hal Linden is 83, Author Lois Lowry is 77, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 66, Actor John De Lancie is 66, Actor William Hurt is 64, Actress Tanya Boyd is 63, Author Louis Sachar is 60 and Talk show host Mike Francesa is 60.
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March 20th is: Absolutely Incredible Kids Day, Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Companies That Care Day, Great American Meat Out Day, International Astrology Day, International Day Of Happiness, French Language Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Proposal Day, Snowman Burning Day, World Day Of Theatre For Children And Young People, World Story Telling Day, Won't You Be My Neighbor Day and Vernal Equinox (first day of Spring.)
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Quip for the day........All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
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Larryj
Today's-------one of my favorites......
Moses and Jesus are golfing, along with an old man.
First up is Moses. He steps up to the tee and drives the ball. His shot sails down the fairway and lands off to the side of the green in the water trap. Moses parts the pond water and chips the ball onto the green.
Next up is Jesus. He takes a couple of practice swings before and hitting the ball. Jesus' shot zips straight down the fairway, but at the last minute bends to the right and lands in the water trap. So, Jesus just walks out onto the water and chips the ball up onto the green.
Finally, it's the old man's turn. He steps directly up to the tee with no warm-up and drives the ball. It sails gracefully over the fairway but heads straight toward the water trap. It's looking like he'll be in the water trap too.
However, just before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is dropping back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish out of the air with its talons. The eagle flies over the green, and just as it's about halfway over, a bolt of lightning shoots from the cloud above and barely misses it. The startled eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops right out of its mouth, bounces off the flag and drops into the hole for a hole-in-one.
At this point Jesus sighs loudly, then turns to the old man and says, "Pop, if you don't stop messing around, we aren't going to bring you next time."
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Today is Friday, March 21, the 80th day of the year. There are 285 days left in the year.
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In 1963, the Alcatraz Federal prison island in San Francisco Bay closed.
In 1965, demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.
In 1972, the Supreme Court ruled that states may not require at least a year's residency for voting eligibility.
In 1980, President Jimmy Carter announced the U.S. will boycott the Olympic Games in Moscow.
In 1980, J.R. Ewing, the character millions love to hate, was shot in the season ending episode of the popular prime time show, Dallas, leaving Americans wondering "Who shot J.R.?"
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Today-----Playwright Peter Brook is 89, Former baseball player Tommy Davis is 75, Actor Timothy Dalton is 70, Singer Eddie Money is 65, Songwriter Roger Hodgson is 64, Rhythm and blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. (The Stylistics) is 63 and Actor Steve Halliwell is 60.
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March 21st is: Afghanistan Day, Poetry Day, Brain Injury Awareness Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, International Day Of Forests And The Tree, Memory Day, Spring Fairy Fun Day, National Common Courtesy Day, National Day Of Action On Syringe Exchange, National Puppy Day, National Single Parent Day and World Down Syndrome Day.
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Quip for the day......me and my recliner.....we go WAY back.
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Larryj
Today's---this is a good one..........
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."
The man replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"
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Today is Saturday, March 22, the 81st day of the year. There are 284 days left in the year.
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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.
In 1765, Britain passed the Stamp Act.
In 1820, U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with Commodore James Barron near Washington, D.C.
In 1894, hockey's first Stanley Cup championship game was played in Montreal, Canada.
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Today-----Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 84, Actor William Shatner is 83, Actress May Britt is 80, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 79, Former hockey player Dave Keon is 74, Poet Billy Collins is 73, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 71, Author James Patterson is 67, CNN Newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 66, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 66 and Sportscaster Bob Costas is 62.
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March 22nd is: As Young As You Feel Day, Education And Sharing Day, International Day Of The Seal, International Goof-off Day and World Day For Water.
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Quip for the day..........Polynesia; Memory loss in parrots.
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Larryj
Today's------ouch......
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to the amusement park on the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
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Today is Sunday, March 23, the 82nd day of the year. There are 283 days left in the year.
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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention, reportedly declaring, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"
In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.
In 1839, the initials "O.K." were first published in the Boston Morning Post. It was meant as an abbreviation for "oil correct," a popular slang misspelling of "all correct" at the time.
In 1913, weather-related disasters culminated with a devastating tornado ripping through Nebraska near Omaha. It was the worst of five tornadoes that day killing 115 people.
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Today-----Comedian Marty Allen is 92, Former baseball player Johnny Logan is 87, Olympian Sir Roger Bannister, who broke the four-minute mile in 1954, is 85, Movie director Mark Rydell is 85, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 77, Actor Tony Burton is 77, Director Michael Haneke is 72, Singer Ric Ocasek (The Cars) is 65, Guitarist Phil Keaggy is 63 and Singer Chaka Khan is 61.
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March 23rd is: Black Marriage Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.
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Quip for the day..........There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.....
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.
"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up...
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Today is Monday, March 24, the 83rd day of the year. There are 282 days left in the year.
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In 1832, a mob in Hiram, Ohio, tarred and feathered Mormon leaders Joseph Smith Jr. and Sidney Rigdon.
In 1882, scientist Robert Koch announced he had discovered the tuberculosis bacilli.
In 1955, Tennessee Williams' play "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" opened in New York.
In 1958, Elvis Presley was inducted into the U.S. Army.
In 1989, The Exxon Valdez ran aground in Alaska's Prince William Sound and leaked 11 million gallons of crude oil.
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Today----Poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 95, Actor William Smith is 81, Scientist David Suzuki is 78, Fashion and Costume designer Bob Mackie is 75, Actor R. Lee Ermey is 70, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 63, Comedian Louis Anderson is 61, Actor Robert Carradine is 60 and Actress Donna Pescow is 60
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March 24th is: International Day For The Right To The Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations And For Dignity Of Victims, National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day and World Tuberculosis Day.
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Quip for the day.....A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Larryj
Today's------alerting beer drinkers.......
Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren't.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn't.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren't really laughing AT you, they're laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.
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Today is Tuesday, March 25, the 84th day of the year. There are 281 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Gen. George Washington, commander of the Continental Army, was awarded the first Congressional Gold Medal by the Continental Congress.
In 1947, a coal mine explosion in Centralia, Illinois, claimed 111 lives.
In 1954, RCA announced it had begun producing color television sets at its plant in Indiana.
In 1988, in New York City's so-called "Preppie Killer" case, Robert Chambers Jr. pleaded guilty.
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Today-------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 92, Former astronaut James Lovell is 86, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 80, Model Anita Bryant is 74, Singer Aretha Franklin is 72, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 71, Singer Elton John is 67, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 66 and Singer Paul Miles is 62.
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March 25th is: American Diabetes Association Alert Day, International Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of Slavery And The Transatlantic, International Day Of Solidarity With Detained And Missing Staff Members, National Agriculture Day, National Day Of Celebration Of Greek And American Democracy, National Medal Of Honor Day, Old New Year's Day, Pecan Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day).
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Quip for the day......The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut.
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Larryj
Today's-------uh oh......
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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Today is March 26, the 85th day of the year. There are 280 days left in the year.
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In 1937, a 6-foot-tall statue of the cartoon character Popeye was unveiled during the Second Annual Spinach Festival in Crystal City, Texas.
In 1953, American medical researcher Dr. Jonas Salk announced he had successfully tested a vaccine against polio.
In 1958, the U.S. Army launched America's third successful satellite, Explorer 3.
In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C., for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
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Today-----Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 83, Actor Alan Arkin is 80, Actor James Caan is 74, Author Richard Dawkins is 73, Journalist Bob Woodward is 71, Singer Diana Ross is 70, Actor Johnny Crawford is 68, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 66, Actress Vicki Lawrence is 65, Actor Ernest Lee Thomas is 65 and Comedian Martin Short is 64.
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March 26th is: International Sister Cities Day, Legal Assistants Day, Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, Manatee Appreciation Day, Purple Day and Spinach Day.
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Quip for the day....Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. Just leave me alone.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.......
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
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Today is Thursday, March 27, the 86th day of the year. There are 279 days left in the year.
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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted present-day Florida for the first time.
In 1884, the first telephone line between Boston and New York was inaugurated.
In 1939, the University of Oregon defeated Ohio State University 46-33 to win the first ever NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.
In 1964, Alaska was hit by a magnitude 9.2 earthquake (the strongest on record in North America) and tsunamis that together claimed about 130 lives.
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Today-----Dance company director Arthur Mitchell is 80, Race car driver Cale Yarborough is 75, Actor Michael York is 72, Actor Art Evans is 72, Magician Gay Blackstone is 68, Director Georgia Lee is 65 and Composer Tony Banks is 64,
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March 27th is: Celebrate Exchange Day, Quirky Country Music Titles Day and Viagra Day.
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Quip for the day.......I'm proud to say that my wife can still fit into the ear rings she wore in high school.
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Larryj
Today's----a variation on an oldie......
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
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Today is Friday, March 28, the 87th day of the year. There are 278 days left in the year.
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In 1834, President Andrew Jackson was censured by Congress for refusing to turn over documents. He was the first president to suffer this formal disapproval from Congress.
In 1898, the Supreme Court ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.
In 1969, Dwight D. Eisenhower, the 34th President of the United States, died in Washington, D.C., at age 78.
In 1979, the most serious nuclear accident in the United States took place at the Three-Mile Island plant near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, when one of the reactors overheated.
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Today-----Talk show host Michael Parkinson is 79, Movie director Mike Newell is 72, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 71, Actor Ken Howard is 70, Basketball player Rick Barry is 70, Actress Dianne Wiest is 66 and Dancer Karen Kain is 63.
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March 28th is: Barnum And Bailey Day, Virtual Advocacy Day and Weed Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day......Old is when you remember the Dead Sea was only sick.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.......
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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Today is Saturday, March 29, the 88th day of the year. There are 277 days left in the year.
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In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in what is now Delaware.
In 1882, the Knights of Columbus was chartered in Connecticut.
In 1929, President Herbert Hoover had a phone installed in the Oval Office in the White House.
In 1951, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were convicted in New York of conspiracy to commit espionage. (They were executed in June 1953.)
In 1973, the last U.S. combat troops left South Vietnam.
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Today-------Author Judith Guest is 78, Actor Terrence Hill is 75, Actor Scott Wilson is 72, Comedian Eric Idle is 71, Composer Vangelis is 71, Singer Terry Jacks is 70, Baseball player Denny McLain is 70, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 69, Actor Bud Cort is 66 and Actress Dianne Kay is 60.
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March 29th is: Earth Hour, Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Mom And Pop Business Owners Day, Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.
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Quip for the day.........The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
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Larryj
Today's-----Old, but funny.........
Four hunters were at a deer camp. No one wanted to share a room with Bob who snored very loud. So it was agreed they would take turns. After the first night, the first guy came down to breakfast all disheveled and bloodshot eyed. The other two asked what happened. He said, "Bob snored so loud I couldn't go to sleep so I just sat there and watched him all night."
The second night another went to share the room with Bob. The next morning he came down to breakfast in the same condition as the first. The others said, "What happened?" He said, "Bob was so restless and snored so loudly all he could do was sit there and watch him all night."
The third night the last of the three who was a former Marine took his turn. This next morning he came down to breakfast all bright eyed and bushytailed. The others were amazed and asked him what happened.
He said that when he and Bob were settling down for the night he went over to Bob and tucked him in, patted him on the butt and kissed him on the cheek while saying goodnight.
Bob stayed up all night and watched him.
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Today is Sunday, March 30, the 89th day of the year. the are 276 days left in the year.
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In 1855, in territorial Kansas' first election, some 5,000 so-called "Border Ruffians" invaded the territory from Western Missouri and force the election of a pro-slavery legislature.
In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Steward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.
In 1870, the 15th Amendment to the Constitution which prohibited denying citizens the right to vote and hold office on the basis of race, was declared in effect
In 1870, Texas was readmitted into the Union.
In 1909, the Queensboro Bridge, linking the New York City boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, opened.
In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley Jr.
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Today---------Game show host Peter Marshall is 88, Actor Richard Dysart is 85, Singer Rolf Harris is 84, Actor John Astin is 84, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 77, Singer Astrud Gilberto is 74, Basketball player Jerry Lucas is 74, Rock musician Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues) is 73, Rock musician Eric Clapton is 69, Pianist Marilyn Crispell is 67 and TV actor Robbie Coltrane is 64.
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March 30th is: Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day, I Am In Control Day, Mothering Sunday, Pencil Day and Torrents Day.
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Quip for the day.........There was this man who muttered a few words in church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
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Larryj
Today's------ouch.....
An Accident Report
I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope...
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Today is Monday, March 31, the 90th day of the year. There are 275 days left in the year.
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In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Conservation Work Act, which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.
In 1943, "Oklahoma!" premiered on Broadway.
In 1973, the Mississippi River reached a peak level in St. Louis during a record 77-day flood.
In 2004, four American civilian contractors were killed in Fallujah, Iraq.
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Today--------Actor William Daniels is 87, Hockey player Gordie Howe is 86, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 80, Actress Shirley Jones is 80, Actor Christopher Walken is 71, Actor Gabe Kaplan is 69, Actress Rhea Perlman is 66 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 64.
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March 31st is: Bunsen Burner Day, Cesar Chavez Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day and Terri's Day.
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Quip for the day....A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
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Larryj
Today's-----blonde joke day........
A gorgeous Australian blonde and a guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Both of them are watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The hot blonde leans over to kiss the guy.
"I can't kiss you," said the first guy abruptly. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No Worries," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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Today Is Tuesday, April 1, the 91st day of the year. There are 274 days left in the year.
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In 1700, English pranksters began popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools Day.
In 1789, The U.S. House of Representatives held its first full meeting in New York; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first House speaker.
In 1853, Cincinnati, Ohio, established a fire department made up of paid city employees.
In 1912, the city of Branson, Missouri, was incorporated.
In 1963, the ABC Television Network aired the premier episode of General Hospital. On the same day NBC Television Network debuted The Doctors.
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Today-----Actress Jane Powell is 85, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 84, Actress Debby Reynolds is 82, Actress Ali MacGraw is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Rudolph Isley is 75, Singer Jimmy Cliff is 66, Actress Annette O'Toole is 62 and Movie director Barry Sonnenfeld is 61.
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April 1st is: April Fools or All Fools Day, Atheist Day, Boomer Bonus Days, International Tatting Day, Library Snap Shot Day, Myles Day, National Fun Day, National Fun At Work Day, Poetry And The Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, St. Stupid Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.
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Quip for the day.....April 1----this is the day when we are reminded of what we are the other 364 days.
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Larryj
Today's------a very long and busy day........
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
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Today is Wednesday, April 2, the 92nd day of the year. There are 273 days left in the year.
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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon and his expedition landed in present-day Florida.
In 1902, Esther Morris, the first woman judge in American history, died in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
In 1917, Jeannette Rankin, the first woman ever elected to Congress, took her seat in the U.S. Capitol as a representative from Montana.
In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy." (Congress declared war four days later.)
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Today----Baseball player Billy Pierce is 87, Actress Rita Gam is 87, Actress Sharon Acker is 79, Actress Penelope Keith is 74, Singer Leon Russell is 72, Actress Linda Hunt is 69, Baseball player Don Sutton is 69, Singer Emmylou Harris is 67, Actress Pamela Reed is 65 and Director Donald Petrie is 60.
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April 2nd is: International Children's Book Day, National Day Of Hope, National Ferret Day, Paraprofessional Appreciation Day, National Love Your Produce Manager Day, National Peanut Butter And Jelly Day, National Walking Day, Reconciliation Day, National Sexual Assault Awareness Month's Day Of Action, Whole Grain Sampling Day and World Autism Day.
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Quip for the day........In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah......
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."
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Today is Thursday, April 3, the 93rd day of the year. There are 272 days left in the year.
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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began.
In 1882, Outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, Missouri.
In 1948, "The Louisiana Hayride" radio program premiered on KWKH-AM in Shreveport, Louisiana.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist communism.
In 1968, the day before he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous "mountaintop" speech.
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Today-----Singer Doris Day is 90, Actor Jan Merlin is 89, Conservationist Dame Jane Goodall is 80, Actor Eric Braedon is 73, Actress Marsha Mason is 72, Singer Wayne Newton is 72 and Singer Tony Orlando is 70.
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April 3rd is: Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day, Find A Rainbow Day, Pony Express Day, Tweed Day, Weed Out Hate: Sow The Seeds Of Greatness Day and World Party Day.
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Quip for the day.....Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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Larryj
Today's----yep......
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"
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Today is Friday, April 4, the 94th day of the year. There are 271 days left in the year.
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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars, with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.
In 1841, 31 days after assuming office, William Henry Harrison, the ninth president of the United States, died from pneumonia at the White House.
In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.
In 1949, the United States and 11 other nations established the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.
In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., 39, was shot and killed on a balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee. (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming he'd been the victim of a setup.)
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Today-----Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 93, Actress Estelle Harris is 86, Author-Poet Maya Angelou is 86, Recording executive Clive Davis is 82, Author Kitty Kelly is 72, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 70, Actor Walter Charles is 69, Actress Christine Lahti is 64 and Football player John Hannah is 63.
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April 4th is: Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, International Day For Mine Awareness And Assistance In Mine Action, National D.A.R.E Day, National Walk To Work Day, Square Foot Day, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.
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Quip for the day.......Time flies........whether you are having fun or not.
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Larryj
Today's-----oops.....
My wife plays pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently they celebrated the birthday of the oldest member by taking her out to lunch.
When the waitress came to take the order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Ethel's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one of you is Ethel?"
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Today is Saturday, April 5, the 95th day of the year. There are 270 days left in the year.
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In 1614, Pocahontas, Indian Chief Powhatan's daughter, married Englishman John Rolfe in the Virginia Colony.
In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month long return trip to England.
In 1764, Britain's Parliament passed the American Revenue Act (aka The Sugar Act) of 1764.
In 1969, approximately 100.000 antiwar demonstrators marched in New York City demanding that the United States withdraw from Vietnam..
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Today---------Movie producer Roger Corman is 88, Singer Mary Costa is 84, Country singer Tommy Cash is 74, Actor Michael Moriarty is 73, Director Peter Greenaway is 72, Singer Alan Clarke is 72, Actress Jane Asher is 68, Drummer Les Binks is 66, Astronaut Franklin Diaz is 64, Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 64 and Actor Mitch Pileggi is 62.
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April 5th is: Every Day Is Tag Day, International Pillow Fight Day, International Table Top Day, National Deep Dish Pizza Day, National Love Our Children Day and Tangible Karma Day.
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Quip for the day........If I keep talking, maybe someday I will say something intelligent.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one......
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger....... "Dead men do bleed!!"
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Today is Sunday, April 6, the 96th day of the year. There are 269 days left in the year.
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In 1830, in Fayette Township, New York, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Religion, organized the Church of Christ during a meeting with a small group of believers.
In 1864, Louisiana opened a convention in New Orleans to draft a new state constitution, one that called for the abolition of slavery.
In 1896, the first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.
In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.
In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of was against Germany.
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Today-------Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 85, Country singer Merle Haggard is 77, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 77, Actor Roy Thinnes is 76, Movie director Barry Levinson is 72, Actor John Ratzenberger is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bert Blyleven is 63, Actress Marilu Henner is 62 and Olympic bronze medal figure skater Janet Lynn is 61.
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April 6th is: Army Day, New Beers Eve, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, Hostess Twinkie Day, International Day Of Sport For Development And Peace, National Student Athlete Day, "Sorry Charlie" Day, Tartan Day, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints Day, Teflon Day and International Whistlers Day.
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Quip for the day......As you get older three things happen. First, the memory goes...........and I can't remember the other two.
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Larryj
Today's---yep.....
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired as to what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,
"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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Today is Monday, April 7, the 97th day of the year. There are 268 days left in the year.
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In 1862, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee.
In 1922, the Teapot Dome Scandal had its beginnings as Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall signed a secret deal to lease Navy petroleum reserves in Wyoming and California to oilmen Harry F. Sinclair and Edward L. Doheny in exchange for cash gifts.
In 1947, auto pioneer Henry Ford died in Dearborn, Michigan, at age 83.
In 1984, the Census Bureau reported Los Angeles had overtaken Chicago as the nation's second largest city.
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Today-----Actor James Garner is 86, Actor Andrew Sachs is 84, Country singer Cal Smith is 82, Actor Wayne Rogers is 81, Country singer Bobby Bare is 79, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 75, Actress Cornelia Frances is 73, Singer Patricia Paay is 65, Songwriter John Oates is 65, Singer Janis Ian is 63, Actor Clark Peters is 62, Football player Tony Dorsett is 60 and Actor Jackie Chan is 60.
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April 7th is: Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of The Rwanda Genocide, International Beaver Day, International Snail Papers Day, Metric System Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day, Tater Day and World Health Organization Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----funny.......
A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"
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Today is Tuesday, April 8, the 98th day of the year. There are 267 days left in the year.
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In 1864, the United States Senate passed, 38-6, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution abolishing slavery.
In 1904, Longacre Square in Manhattan was renamed Times Square after the New York Times.
In 1935, Congress voted to approve the Works Projects Administration (WPA), a part of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's "New Deal."
In 1952, President Harry S. Truman seized the steel industry to avert a nationwide strike.
In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run breaking Babe Ruth's record.
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Today-------Comedian Shecky Greene is 88, Actor John Gavin is 83, Basketball Hall-of-Famer John Havlicek is 74, Songwriter-producer Leon Huff is 72 and Singer Brenda Russell is 65.
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April 8th is: Buddha Day, Draw A Bird Day, Equal Pay Day, International Roma Day, Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day and National Be Kind To Lawyers Day.
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Quip for the day.........Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
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Larryj
Today's---------yep.........
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,
"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
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Today is Wednesday, April 9, the 99th day of the year. There are 266 days left in the year.
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In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Courthouse in Virginia.
In 1939, Singer Marian Anderson performed a concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., after being denied the use of Constitution Hall by the Daughters Of The American Revolution.
In 1942, during World War II, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March.
In 1947, the town of Woodward, Oklahoma, was nearly wiped off the map by a powerful tornado.
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Today-------Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Heffner is 88, Songwriter Tom Lehrer is 86, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 81, Actress Michael Learned is 75, Drummer Steve Gadd is 69, Actress Jaya Bachchan is 66, Artist Tom Cragg is 65 and Actor Dennis Quaid is 60.
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April 9th is: National Cherish An Antique Day, National Former Prisoner Of War Recognition Day, Appomattox Day, Jenkins Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......My wife drives with her knees. How else would she be able to put on her lipstick and talk on the phone?
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------hah.....
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
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Today is Thursday, April 10, the 100th day of the year. There are 265 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was founded.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage.
In 1933, the Civilian Conservation Corps was created in Washington, D.C.
In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.
In 1953, the 3-D horror movie "House of Wax," produced by Warner Bros. and starring Vincent Price, premiered.
___________________________________________
Today--------Actor Max von Sydow is 85, Actress Liz Sheridan is 85, Actor Omar Sharif is 82, Sportscaster John Madden is 78, Football player Mel Blount is 66, Actor Steven Segal is 62, Journalist Pamela Wallin is 61 and Actor Peter MacNicol is 60.
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April 10th is: ASPCA Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day, National Alcohol Screening Day, Salvation Army Founder's Day and Safety Pin Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........(from my wife's grandmother--classic).....Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up first.
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Larryj
Today's------oops........
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said,
"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
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Today is Friday, April 11, the 101st day of the year. There are 264 days left in the year.
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In 1803, in one of the greatest surprises in diplomatic history, French Foreign Minister Charles Maurice de Talleyrand made an offer to sell all of the Louisiana Territory to the United States.
In 1899, the treaty ending the Spanish-American War was declared in effect.
In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.
In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman relieved Gen. Douglas MacArthur of command of the U.S. forces in Korea.
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Today-------Ethel Kennedy is 86, Actor Joel Grey is 82, Actress Louise Lassiter is 75, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 73, Actor Peter Riegert is 67, Movie director Carl Franklin is 65 and Actor Bill Irwin is 64.
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April 11th is: Barbershop Quartet Day, Day Of Silence, Education and Sharing Day, International "Louie Louie" Day, National Pet Day, National Teach Your Children To Save Day and World Parkinson's Disease Day.
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Quip for the day.........Just plead the Fifth.........or drink it.....either way.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------good one.....
A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders, "Where is God?"
The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.
"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good that's right."
But still there were two children that didn't put their hands down, so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good that's right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"He's in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he's in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, 'My God are you still in there?' "
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Today is Saturday, April 12, the 102nd day of the year. There are 263 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
In 1945, while on vacation in Warm Springs, Georgia, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died from a stroke.
In 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded "(We're gonna) Rock Around The Clock."
In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.
In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the Earth once before making a safe landing.
In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off on its first test flight.
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Today----Author Beverly Cleary is 98, Actress Jane Withers is 88, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 74, Singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 70, Actor Ed O'Neill is 68, Talk show host David Letterman is 67, Singer David Cassidy is 64 and Singer Pat Travers is 60.
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April 12th is: D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read), Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day, International Day Of Human Space Flight, Baby Massage Day, International Day For Street Children, Licorice Day, Slow Art Day and Walk On Your Wild Side Day.
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Quip for the day..........By doing just a little every day, I can let the task overwhelm me.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.........
Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed up and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less called on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn't he stand up and try to open the door with the others.
The eighth man replied: "because I was holding the key to the door."
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Today is Sunday, April 13, the 103rd day of the year. There are 262 days left in the year.
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In 1613, Pocahontas, daughter of Chief Powhatan, was captured by English Capt. Samuel Argall in the Virginia Colony and held in exchange for prisoners and stolen weapons. (She later opted to stay with the English.)
In 1742, Handel's "Messiah" had its first public performance in Dublin, Ireland.
In 1861, Fort Sumter in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.
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Today-------Movie director Stanley Donen is 90, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 79, Actor Edward Fox is 77, Actor Paul Sorvino is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Lester Chambers is 74, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 72, Bassist Jack Casady (Jefferson Airplane) is 70, Actor Tony Dow is 69, Singer Al Green is 68, Actor Ron Perlman is 64, Actor William Sadler is 64, Singer Peabo Bryson is 63, Drummer Max Weinberg (E-Street Band) is 63 and Actor Peter Davidson is 63.
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April 13th is: Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse, Thomas Jefferson Day, Scrabble Day, Undiagnosed Children's Awareness Day and World Youth Day and Palm Sunday.
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Quip for the day.....one of Murphy's laws........The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
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Larryj
Today's--------good one....
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
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Today is Monday, April 14, the 104th day of the year. There are 261 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot and mortally wounded by John Wilkes Booth while watching a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington.
In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 ship's time and began sinking. The ship went under 2 hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.
In 1935, in what became known as "Black Sunday", one of the most devastating dust storms of the 1930s Dust Bowl swept across Western Kansas, Southeastern Colorado, the panhandles of Texas and Oklahoma and Northeastern New Mexico.
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Today----Country singer Loretta Lynn is 82, Actress Shani Wallace is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 73, Baseball player Pete Rose is 73, Guitarist Mike Brewer (Brewer and Shipley) is 70, Guitarist Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple) is 69 and Actor Chris Langham is 65.
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April 14th is: Children With Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, Global Day Of Action On Military Spending, International Moment Of Laughter Day, National Dolphin Day, National Pecan Day, Pan American Day and Pathologists' Assistant Day.
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Quip for the day...........Bad decisions make great stories.
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Larryj
Today's------busy morning...
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin of the truck in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
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Today is Tuesday, April 15, the 105th day of the year. There are 260 days left in the year.
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In 1783, the Continental Congress of the United States officially ratified the preliminary peace treaty with Great Britain.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died nine hours after being shot the night before.
In 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first African-American player in Major League Baseball when he took the field at Ebbets Field.
In 1967, massive parades to protest Vietnam policy were held in New York City and San Francisco.
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Today---Country singer Roy Clark is 81, Actress Claudia Cardinale is 76, Actor Michael Tucci is 68 and Actress Lois Childs is 67.
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April 15th is: Bicycle Day, Income Tax Pay Day, Jackie Robinson Day, McDonald's Day, Rubber Eraser Day, Take A Wild Guess Day, That Sucks Day, World Art Day, National Library Workers Day and National Library Day.
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Quip for the day...........I've been training to become a cage fighter. My first fight is next week. That parakeet won't know what hit it.
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Larryj
Today's------out of the mouths of kids......
A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.
Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, "Why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
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Today is Wednesday, April 16, the 106th day of the year. There are 259 days left in the year.
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In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.
In 1862, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between the ages of 18 to 35.
In 1940, Cleveland Indians' Bob Feller pitched his first no-hitter game.
In 1947, a giant explosion occurred during the loading of fertilizer onto the freighter Grandcamp at a pier in Texaco City, Texas, killing nearly 600 people.
In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. wrote his "Letter From Birmingham Jail" in which he said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
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Today------Singer Bobby Vinton is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 67, NFL coach Bill Belichick is 62, Actor Billy West is 62 and Actress Ellen Barkin is 60.
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April 16th is: National Bookmobile Day, National Health Care Decisions Day, National Stress Awareness Day, National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day and Save The Elephant Day.
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Quip for the day.........Altzheimer's Advantage #2: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
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Larryj
Today's---Easter jokes........
The Rules of Chocolate
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car without it melting.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
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Today is Thursday, April 17, the 107th day of the year. There are 258 days left in the year.
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In 1790, American statesman, printer, scientist and writer Benjamin Franklin died in Philadelphia at age 84.
In 1961, some 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day.
In 1964, the Ford Mustang, a two-seat, mid engine sports car, was officially unveiled at the World's Fair in Flushing Meadows, New York.
In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.
In 1970, Apollo 13 astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft while enroute to the moon.
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Today-------Actor David Bradley is 72, Actress Olivia Hussey is 63 and Guitarist Michael Sembello is 60.
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April 17th is: Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, Ford Mustang Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, High Five Day, National Ask An Atheist Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, Nothing Like A Dame Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day and Support Teen Literature Day.
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Quip for the day........If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your hand and say, "In Jesus name, Amen."
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----another busy morning......
How Different Religions Cope with Adversity
When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"
When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."
When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it's over."
When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"
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Today is Friday, April 18, the 108th day of the year. There are 257 days left in the year.
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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Massachusetts, warning American colonists that the British were coming.
In 1880, Missouri was his by a string of tornadoes. Statewide, 151 people were killed including 99 in the town of Marshfield.
In 1906, an earthquake estimated close to 8.0 on the Richter Scale struck San Francisco.
In 1923, the first game was played at the original Yankee Stadium in New York; the Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 4-1.
In 1942, an air squadron from the USS Hornet led by Lt. Col. James H. Doolittle raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities.
In 1945, popular journalist and war correspondent Ernie Pyle was killed by Japanese machine-gun fire on the island of Shima in the Pacific.
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Today------Actress Barbara Hale is 93, Actor James Drury is 80, Actress Hayley Mills is 68, Actor James Woods is 67, Actress Cindy Pickett is 67 and Actor Rick Moranis is 61.
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April 18th is: Adult Autism Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day and International Amateur Radio Day.
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Quip for the day......kids Easter bunny joke..........What present do you give the Easter bunny? A Hare brush. (groan)
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Larryj
Today's----sounds about right......
The Competition
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I`m a rabbit! I`m a rabbit!"
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Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of the year. There are 256 days left in the year.
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In 1876, a Wichita, Kansas, commission voted not to rehire policeman Wyatt Earp after he beat up a candidate for county sheriff.
In 1897, John J. McDermott won the first Boston Marathon.
In 1912, a special subcommittee of the Senate Commerce Committee opened hearings in New York into the Titanic disaster.
In 1951, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, relieved of his command by President Harry S. Truman, bade farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad: "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."
In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people.
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Today------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 89, Actress Elinor Donahue is 77, Actor Tim Curry is 68, Actor Tony Plana is 62 and Comedian Ruby Wax is 61.
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April 19th is: Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, John Parker Day, National Garlic Day, National Hanging Out Day, Record Store Day and Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day.
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Quip for the day.........Good thing: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad thing: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah.........
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
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Today is Easter Sunday, April 20, the 110th day of the year. There are 255 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Col. Robert E. Lee resigned his commission in the United States Army. (Lee went on to command the Army of Northern Virginia, and eventually became Commander-in-Chief of all Confederate forces.)
In 1898, President William McKinley asked Congress to declare war on Spain.
In 1912, Boston's Fenway Park hosted its first professional baseball game while Navin Field (Tiger Stadium) opened in Detroit.
In 1914, the Ludlow Massacre took place when the Colorado National Guard opened fire on a tent colony of striking miners; about 20 (accounts vary) strikers, women and children died in the gunfire or were smothered by the smoke from the burning tents.
In 1999, two teenage gunmen killed 13 people in a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, then took their own lives.
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Today------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 94, Actor George Takei is 77, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 75, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 73, Actor Gregory Itzin is 66, Actress Jessica Lange is 65, Actress Veronica Cartwright is 65 and Actress Louise Jameson is 63.
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April 20th is: Easter, Chinese Language Day, Plum Pudding Day and National Pot Smokers Day.
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Quip for the day........I will never admit that I don't believe in the Easter bunny as long as I get chocolate.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
"Isn't it true, "he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."
"Oh," said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."
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Today is Monday, April 21, the 111th day of the year. There are 254 days left in the year.
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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.
In 1895, Woodville Latham demonstrated his "panopticon," the first movie projector developed in the U.S.
In 1930, a fire broke out inside the overcrowded Ohio Penitentiary in Columbus, killing 332 inmates.
In 1967, General Motors celebrated the manufacture of its 100 millionth American-made car.
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Today-----Britain's Queen Elizabeth is 88, Director Elaine May is 82, Actor Charles Grodin is 79, Author Barbara Park is 67, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 67, Actress Patti Lupone is 65 and Actor James Morrison is 60.
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April 21st is: Boston Marathon, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Dyngus Day, Kindergarten Day, National Chocolate-covered Cashew Day and National Surprise Drug Test Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......If I want your opinion, you will have to fill out the necessary forms.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----things you need to know......
The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
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Today is Tuesday, April 22, the 112th day of the year. There are 253 days left in the year.
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In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.
In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.
In 1954, the publicly televised sessions of the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began.
In 1970, millions of Americans observed the first Earth Day.
In 1994, former President Richard M. Nixon died after suffering a stroke four days earlier.
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Today----Actress Charlotte Rae is 88, Actress Estelle Harris is 86, Singer Glen Campbell is 78, Actor Jack Nicholson is 77, Singer Mel Carter is 71, Author Janet Evanovich is 71, Poet Louise Gluck is 71, Actress Nicole Garcia is 68, Movie director John Waters is 68 and Singer-guitarist Peter Frampton is 64.
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April 22nd is: Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day, Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day, "In God We Trust" Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie......
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of the year. There are 252 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House in New York.
In 1791, future President James Buchanan was born in Cove Gap near Mercersburg, Pennsylvania.
In 1943, during World War II, PT-109 was rammed and sunk by a Japanese destroyer, killing two crew members; the commander, Lt. jg. John F. Kennedy and 10 others survived.
In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death after being convicted of assassinating Robert F. Kennedy. His sentence was later commuted to life in prison during a time when California abolished the death penalty.
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Today-------Actor Alan Oppenheimer is 64, Actor Lee Majors is 75, Basketball player Gail Goodrich is 71, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Tony Exposito is 71, Actress Blair Brown is 67, Actress Joyce DeWitt is 65, Actor James Russo is 61 and Director Michael Moore is 60.
___________________________________________
April 23rd is: English Language Day, Impossible Astronaut Day, National Lost Dog Awareness Day, Movie Theater Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, World Book and Copyright Day, World Book Night and Secretary's Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....A husband is a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance, but waits until December 24th to do his Christmas shopping.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----blonde joke day......
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
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Today is Thursday, April 24, the 114th day of the year. There are 251 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1800, President John Adams approved legislation to appropriate $5,000 to purchase "such books as may be necessary for the use of Congress," thus establishing the Library of Congress.
In 1908, a single tornado traveled through Louisiana and Mississippi leaving 143 people dead.
In 1980, the Unite States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.
In 1990, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida, carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope.
___________________________________________
Today------Director Richard Donner is 84, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 80, Actor Michael Parks is 74, Author Sue Grafton is 74, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 72 and Drummer Doug Clifford (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 69.
___________________________________________
April 24th is: Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day, Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day and World Meningitis Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....I have been trying desperately to save my marriage for 35 years.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------hah....
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, April 25, the 115th day of the year. There are 250 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman officially opened the first White House two-lane bowling alley.
In 1983, 10-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, received a reply from Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov to a letter she'd written expressing concern about possible nuclear war; Andropov reassured Samantha that the Soviet Union did not want war, and he invited her to visit his country, a trip Samantha made in July.
In 1995, actress Ginger Rogers, best known for the 10 films she made with her dance partner Fred Astaire, died at the age of 83.
___________________________________________
Today-----Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 84, Actor William Roache is 82, Basketball player Meadowlark Lemon (The Harlem Globetrotters) is 82, Actor Al Pacino is 74, Dancer and judge Len Goodman is 70, Bassist Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 69, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 69, Actress Talia Shire is 68 and Actor Jeffrey Demunn is 67.
___________________________________________
April 25th is: Arbor Day, DNA Day, Hug A Plumber Day, National Hairball Awareness Day, National Mani-pedi Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Parental Alienation Day, Satchmo Days 25-27, Red Hat Society Day and World Penguin Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---------funny.......
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope, my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
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Today is Saturday, April 26, the 116th day of the year. There are 249 days left in the year.
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In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded and killed by Federal troops.
In 1954, the Salk Polio vaccine field trials, involving 1.8 million children, began at the Franklin Sherman Elementary school in McLean, Virginia.
In 1989, actress-comedian Lucille Ball died in Los Angeles at age 77.
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Today-----Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 81, Musician-guitarist is 76 and Singer Bobby Rydell is 72.
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April 26th is: Audubon Day, Bob Wills Day, Do Dah Day (Pasadena), Eeyore's Birthday Day, Hug An Australian Day, International Marconi Day, National Dance Day, National Go Birding Day, National Help A Horse Day, National Herb Day, National Kids And Pets Day, National Rebuilding Day, National Pretzel Day, Richter Scale Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense Of Smell Day, World Day For Animals In Laboratories, World Healing Day, World Intellectual Property Day, World Veterinary Day and World Tai Chi and Qigong Day.
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Quip for the day....There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------oldie but goodie.....
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on TV."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six points. Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino. He's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
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Today is Sunday, April 27, the 117th day of the year. There are 248 days left in the year.
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In 1773, the British Parliament passed the Tea Act, a bill designed to save the faltering East India Company from bankruptcy.
In 1777, the only land battle in Connecticut during the Revolutionary War, the Battle of Ridgefield, took place, resulting in a limited British victory.
In 1805, during the First Barbary War, an American-led force of Marines and mercenaries captured the city of Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.
In 1813, after surviving two dangerous expeditions into uncharted areas of the West, Zebulon Pike died during a battle of the War of 1812.
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Today----Actress Anouk Aimee is 82, Announcer Casey Kasem is 82, Actress Judy Carne is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Cuba Gooding is 70, Singer Ann Peebles is 67, Rhythm and Blues singer Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics) is 65, Actor Douglas Sheehan is 65, Rock musician Ace Frehley (KISS) is 63, Basketball player George Gervin is 62 and Talk show host Larry Elder is 62.
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April 27th is: Babe Ruth Day, Holocaust Remembrance Day, Mantanzas Mule Day, Morse Code Day, Mother-Father Deaf Day, National Pet Parent's Day and Pinhole Photography Day.
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Quip for the day.......the last plane I flew on was so old there was a copy of the "Saturday Evening Post" in the seat pocket.
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Larryj
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz306IomWKw
Today's------hah........
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here" "Jenson" "Here" "Jones" "Here" "Magersky""Here: "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
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Today is Monday, April 28, the 118th day of the year. There are 247 days left in the year.
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In 1758, future U.S. Senator and President James Monroe was born in Virginia.
In 1897, the Chickasaw and Choctaw, two of the Five Civilized Tribes, became the first to agree to abolish tribal government.
In 1967, boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the U.S. Army and was immediately stripped of his heavyweight title.
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Today------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 88, Actress-Singer Ann-Margaret is 73, Singer Scott Fitzgerald is 66, Author Terry Pratchett is 66, Actress Marcia Strassman is 66, Former "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is 64, Singer Wayne Osmond (The Osmond Brothers) is 63, Pianist Chuck Leavell is 62, Actress Mary Mcdonnell is 62 and Singer Kim Gordon is 61.
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April 28th is: Biological Clock Day, Workers Memorial Day and World Day For Safety And Health At Work.
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Quip for the day......the first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
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Larryj
Today's---good one......
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
And that is what's wrong with our government.
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In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.
In 1986, in a game against the Seattle Mariners, Roger Clemons of the Boston Red Sox became the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to strike out 20 batters in a nine inning game.
In 1992, rioting resulting in 55 deaths erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley, California, acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.
In 2004, the last Oldsmobile came off the assembly line in Lansing, Michigan, signaling the end of the 106-year-old automotive brand.
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Today-------Poet Rod McKuen is 81, Bluesman Otis Rush is 79, Composer Zubin Mehta is 78, Actor Richard Kline is 70, Golfer Johnny Miller is 67, Singer Tommy James is 67, Actress Anita Dobson is 65, Author David Icke is 62 and Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is 60.
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April 29th is: Day Of Remembrance For All Victims Of Chemical Warfare, International Dance Day, One Day Without Shoes Day, "Peace" Rose Day, World Wish Day and Zipper Day.
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Quip for the day......Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny.......
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!"
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Today is Wednesday, April 30, the 120th day of the year. There are 245 days left in the year.
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In 1789, George Washington took the oath of office in New York as the first president of the United States.
In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs.
In 1927, the Federal Industrial Institution for Women, the first women's federal prison, opened in Alderson, West Virginia.
In 1939, the New York World's Fair opened in New York City. The opening ceremony ushered in the first day of television broadcasting in New York.
In 1958, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) was founded.
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Today----Actress Cloris Leachman is 88, Singer Willie Nelson is 81, Actor Burt Young is 74, Singer Bobby Vee is 71, Singer Merrill Osmond (The Osmond Brothers) is 61 and Director Jane Campion is 60.
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April 30th is: Adopt A Shelter Pet Day, Bugs Bunny Day, International Guide Dogs Day, International Jazz Day, National Animal Advocacy Day, National Honesty Day and Spank Out Day-USA.
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Quip for the day......My opinions are my wife's, and she says I am lucky to have them.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.....
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
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Today is Thursday, May 1, the 121st day of the year. There are 244 days left in the year.
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In 1931, New York's 102-story Empire State Building was dedicated.
In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered.
In 1960, an American U-2 spy plane, piloted by Frances Gary Powers, was shot down while conducting espionage over the Soviet Union.
In 1992, on the third day of the Los Angeles riots, a visibly shaken Rodney King appeared in public to appeal for calm, pleading, "Can we all get along?"
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Today------Country singer Sonny James is 85, Actress Una Stubbs is 77, Golfer Frank Beard is 75, Singer Judy Collins is 75, Actor Stephen Macht is 72, Singer Rita Coolidge is 69, Actress Joanna Lumley is 68, Actor Dann Florek is 64 and Singer-songwriter Ray Parker Jr. is 60.
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May 1st is: Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Bubba Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason, National Purebred Dog Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principals' Day, Silver Star Day and Stepmother's Day.
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Quip for the day..........A penny saved is not spent.
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Larryj
Today's-------I always liked this one......
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
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Today is Friday, May 2, the 122nd day of the year. There are 243 days left in the year.
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In 1908, the original version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," with music by Albert Von Tilzer and lyrics by Jack Norworth, was published.
In 1939, New York Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig benched himself for poor play and ended his streak of consecutive games played at 2,130.
In 1972, J. Edgar Hoover died after nearly five decades as the Director of the FBI.
In 2011, Osama Bin Laden was killed by elite American forces at his Pakistan compound, then quickly buried at sea.
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Today-------Actor Theodore Bikel is 90, Actress Norma Aleandro is 78, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 78, Singer Leslie Gore is 68, Actor David Suchet is 68, Country singer Larry Gatlin is 66, Author Alan Titchmarsh is 65, Singer Louis Andrew Grammatico (Foreigner) is 64, Actress Christine Baranski is 62, Basketball player Jamaal Wilkes is 61 and Singer Angela Bofill is 60.
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May 2nd is: International Space Day, Martin Z. Mollusk Day, No Pants Day, Roberts Rule Of Order Day and Tuba Day.
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Quip for the day.......I had amnesia once..........or twice........
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Larryj
Today's--------funny........
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again, is it?"
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Today is Saturday, May 3, the 123rd day of the year. There are 242 days left in the year.
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In 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated as a city.
In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.
In 1952, the Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time on CBS; the winner was Hill Gail.
In 1999, some 70 tornadoes roared across Oklahoma and Kansas killing 46 and injuring hundreds.
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Today-------Actor George Gaynes is 97, Actress Ann B. Davis is 88, Singer Frankie Valli is 80, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 68, Actor Chris Mulkey is 66, Actor Ron Canada is 65, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 64 and Singer Christopher Cross is 63.
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May 3rd is: Beer Pong Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Free Comic Book Day, Garden Meditation Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Join Hands Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, National Homebrew Day, National Scrapbooking Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, World Press Freedom Day and Kentucky Derby.
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Quip for the day.....It doesn't matter if you win or lose......until you lose.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go
ahead.
The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"
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Today is Sunday, May 4, the 124th day of the year. There are 241 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Rhode Island declared its freedom from England, two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.
In 1886, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor protest for an 8-hour work day turned into a deadly riot when a bomb exploded.
In 1904, the United States took over construction of the Panama Canal.
In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta.
In 1970, at Kent State University in Ohio, National Guardsmen fired into a group of student protesters, killing four and wounding 11.
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Today--------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 84, Rock musician Dick Dale is 77, Author George F. Will is 73, Voice actor Russi Taylor is 70, Actor Richard Jenkins is 67, Race car driver John Force is 65, Guitarist Mick Mars (Motley Crue) is 63, Singer Jackie Jackson is 63, Singer-actress Pia Zadora is 62 and Rhythm and Blues singer Oleta Adams is 61.
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May 4th is: Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day, International Firefighters Day, International Respect For Chickens Day, Lemonade Day, Mayday For Mutts, Motorcycle Mass and Blessing Of The Bikes Day, National Infertility Survival Day, Petite And Proud Day, Star Wars Day, World Give Day and World Laughter Day.
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Quip for the day....In any household, junk accumulates in proportion to the space available for storage.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.........
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"
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Today is Monday, May 5, the 125th day of the year. There are 240 days left in the year.
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In 1862, Mexican troops defeated French occupying forces in the Battle of Puebla. The Cinco de Mayo holiday commemorates Mexico's victory. (I put this here because Cinco de Mayo is a big holiday in SoCal due to the large Hispanic population, many of whom probably don't know the significance of the holiday. Because the 5th is on a Monday, many parties were held yesterday Sunday the 4th.)
In 1904, Boston Red Sox pitcher Cy Young threw a perfect game against the Detroit Tigers.
In 1925, John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution. Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.
In 1961, astronaut Alan B. Shepard Jr. became America's first space traveler, making a suborbital flight aboard Mercury capsule Freedom 7.
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Today------Actress Ann B. Davis is 88, Actress Pat Carroll is 87, Actor Michael Murphy is 76, Actor Lance Henricksen is 74, Comedian Michael Palin is 71, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 70, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 69 and Drummer Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 66.
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May 5th is: Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, Cinco de Mayo, International Midwives' Day, Melanoma Monday, National Ferret Day, National Library Legislative Day and Totally Chipotle Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you don't care where you are, then you are not lost.
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Larryj
Today's--------funny.....
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"
She said, "I sure do."
I said, " Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."
My dental surgery is on Monday.
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Today is Tuesday, May 6, the 126th day of the year. There are 239 days left in the year.
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In 1882, President Chester A. Arthur signed the Chinese Exclusion Act.
In 1937, the German airship, Hindenburg, the largest dirigible ever built, exploded as it arrived in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing 36 people.
In 1954, medical student Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile during a track meet in Oxford, England, in 3:59:4.
In 1994, former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against President Bill Clinton, alleging he had sexually harassed her in 1991.
In 2004, the final episode of "Friends" aired on NBC.
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Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 83, Rock singer Bob Seger is 69, Actress Susan Brown is 68, Actor Alan Dale is 67, Astronaut David Leestma is 65, Author Jeffery Deaver is 64, Guitarist Davy Johnstone is 63 and Screenwriter Allie Larkin is 61 and Actress Lynn Whitfield is 61.
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May 6th is: Buddah Day, Give Local America, Joseph Brackett Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day, National Teacher Day and World Asthma Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
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Larryj
Today's-------waxing poetic.......
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote:
Friends
- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad
goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
- A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't
speak much English............
No, wait, that's the cleaning lady.
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Today is Wednesday, May 7, the 127th day of the year. There are 238 days left in the year.
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In 1889, the John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore opened its doors.
In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sunk the British liner HMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.
In 1942, U.S. Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright went on a Manila radio station to announce the Allied surrender of the Philippines to Japanese forces during World War II.
In 1945, the German High Command signed the unconditional surrender of all German forces at Reims, France.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actor Roger Perry is 81, Author Volker Braun is 75, Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Thelma Houston is 71, Country singer Terry Allen is 71, Actress Robin Strasser is 69, Author Michael Rosen is 68, Drummer Bill Kreutzmann (The Grateful Dead) is 68 and Pianist Janina Fialkowska is 63.
___________________________________________
May 7th is: Bike To School Day, Great American Grumpout, National Barrier Awareness Day, Occupational Safety And Health Day and School Nurse Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----hah......
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right
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Today is Thursday, May 8, the 128th day of the year. There are 237 days left in the year.
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In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered, and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."
In 1950, a flood caused by 14 inches of rain killed 23 people near Lincoln, Nebraska, most of whom drowned after being trapped in their cars by flash flooding.
In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon was shoved, stoned, booed and spat upon by anti-American protesters in Lima, Peru.
In 1984, the Soviet Union announced that it's Olympic athletes would not participate in the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, citing fears for their safety.
___________________________________________
Today------Comedian Don Rickles is 88, Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 88, Singer Toni Tennille is 74, Actor James Mitchum is 73, Singer Gary Glitter is 70, Voice actor Greg Finley is 67, Singer Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 63, Drummer Alex Van Halen (Van Halen) is 61, Actor David Keith is 60 and Actor Stephen Furst is 60.
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May 8th is: Free Trade Day, National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, No Socks Day, Time Of Remembrance And Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During The Second World War (8-9), VE Day, World Ovarian Cancer Day and World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day.
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Quip for the day............The trouble with my life is there's no background music.
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Larryj
Today's----funny......
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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Today is Friday, May 9, the 129th day of the year. There are 236 days left in the year.
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In 1887, Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show opened in London, giving Queen Victoria and her subjects their first look at real cowboys and Indians.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson, acting on a joint congressional resolution, signed a proclamation designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific nicknamed "George."
In 1971, the last original episode of the sitcom "The Honeymooners", starring Jackie Gleason, was aired.
In 1974, the House of Representatives opened impeachment hearings against President Richard M. Nixon, voting to impeach him on three counts on July 30.
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Today----Actor-writer Alan Bennett is 80, Guitarist Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 79, Actor Albert Finney is 78, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 74, Actress Candice Bergen is 68, Basketball player Calvin Murphy is 66, Singer Billy Joel is 65, Actress Alley Mills is 63 and Actress Amy Hill is 61.
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May 9th is: National Moscato Day, Child Care Provider Day, Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice, Military Spouse Appreciation Day and National Special-abled Pets Day.
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Quip for the day.....I went to a freak show the other night and they let me in free.
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Larryj
Today's------really funny.....
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
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Today is Saturday, May 10, the 130th day of the year. There are 235 days left in the year.
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In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Lt. Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from being hit by friendly fire eight days earlier during the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia.
In 1865, Jefferson Davis, president of the fallen Confederate government, was captured near Irwinville, GA.
In 1869, at Promontory, Utah, a ceremonial golden spike was driven into the rail line to complete the transcontinental railroad.
In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was named acting director of the Bureau of Investigation (later known as the Federal Bureau of Investigation.)
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Today-----Author Bel Kaufman ("Up the Down Staircase") is 103, Actor-comedian Gary Owens is 78, Dancer Judith Jamison is 71, Singer Donovan is 68, Singer Dave Mason is 68, Actress Meg Foster is 66 and Author Christopher Paul Curtis is 61.
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May 10th is: American Indian Day, Armed Forces Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carrier's Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, National Train Day, National Windmill Day, Spring Astronomy Day, Stay Up All Night, World Belly Dance Day, World Trade Fair Day and World Lupus Day.
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Quip for the day..............If you throw something out, you will need it the next day.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah........
On the way back to Ohio as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline were looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward . . . "
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Today is Sunday, May 11, the 131st day of the year. There are 234 days left in the year.
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In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland.
In 1858, Minnesota became the 32nd state of the Union.
In 1927, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded during a banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles.
In 1934, a massive storm sent millions of topsoil flying across the parched Great Plains region of the U.S. as far east as New York, Boston and Atlanta.
In 1935, the Rural Electrification Administration was created as one of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal programs.
In 1947, B.F. Goodrich announced it had developed a tubeless tire.
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Today----Actor Bernard Fox is 87, Comedian Mort Sahl is 87, Singer Eric Burdon (The Animals) is 73, Actress Pam Ferris is 66, Actress Frances Fisher is 62 and Actor Boyd Gaines is 61.
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May 11th is: Eat What You Want Day, Hostess Cupcake Day, Mothers At The Wall Day, Root Canal Appreciation Day and Mother's Day.
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Quip for the day..........Leak proof seals will.
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Larryj
Today's-----what?......
Entitled "Filing for Divorce."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Today is Monday, May 12, the 132nd day of the year. There are 233 days left in the year.
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In 1932, the body of the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was found near Hopewell, New Jersey.
In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted it's 11-month blockade against West Berlin. The blockade was broken by a massive U.S.-British airlift of vital supplies to West Berlin's two million citizens.
In 1963, Betty Miller became the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean as she landed in Brisbane, Australia, having left Oakland on April 30.
In 1963, singer Bob Dylan walked off the set of "The Ed Sullivan Show" after network censors rejected the song he planned on performing, "Talking John Birch Paranoid Blues."
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Today----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 89, Composer Burt Bacharach is 86, Actress Linda Dano is 71, Singer Steve Winwood (Traffic, Blind Faith) is 66, Actor Richard Riehle is 66, Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 64 and Actor Gabriel Byrne is 64.
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May 12th is: Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Awareness Day, International Nurses Day, Limerick Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day and National Women's Checkup Day.
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Quip for the day.......Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
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Larryj
Today's------yep.....
IT IS TIME TO DIET WHEN.....
* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
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Today is Tuesday, May 13, the 133rd day of the year. There are 232 days left in the year.
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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became known as the Jamestown settlement in Virginia.
In 1846, the U.S. Congress overwhelmingly voted in favor of President James K. Polk's request to declare war on Mexico in a dispute over Texas.
In 1958, during a goodwill trip through Latin America, Vice President Richard M. Nixon's car was attacked by an angry mob and nearly overturned while traveling through Caracas, Venezuela.
In 1985, Philadelphia police dropped a bomb on the radical group MOVE's row house; 11 people died.
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Today-----Actor Harvey Keitel is 75, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 65, Singer Stevie Wonder is 64 and Actress Jane Cox is 62.
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May 13th is: Frog Jumping Day.
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Quip for the day.......He who hesitates is lost..........and miles from the next exit.
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Larryj
Today's---------it's an "oh no" joke day........
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
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Today is Wednesday, May 14, the 134th day of the year. There are 231 days left in the year.
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In 1804, the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present-day Hartford, Illinois.
In 1904, the first Olympic Games to be held in the United States opened in St. Louis, Missouri.
In 1914, Washington Senators pitcher Walter Johnson threw his 54th consecutive inning in Sportsman Park, Illinois.
In 1973, Skylab, America's first space station, was successfully launched into orbit.
In 1998, legendary singer Frank Sinatra died of a heart attack in Los Angeles at age 82.
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Today-----Guitarist Vic Flick is 77, Baseball player Tony Perez is 72, Bassist Jack Bruce (Cream) is 71, Movie producer George Lucas is 70, Actress Ana Martin is 67, Movie director Robert Zemeckis is 63 and Rock singer David Byrne is 62.
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May 14th is: Buddah Day, Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Chicken Dance Day, National Night Shift Workers Day, Receptionist's Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.
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Quip for the day.....Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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Larryj
Today's------blonde guy joke......
Two blonde guys rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.
One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend,
"Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
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Today is Thursday, May 15, the 135th day of the year. There are 230 days left in the year.
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In 1800, President John Adams ordered the federal government to pack up and leave Philadelphia and set up shop in the nation's new capital in Washington, D.C.
In 1896, a rare massive tornado estimated as an F5 category storm hit Sherman, Texas, killing 73 people.
In 1911, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Standard Oil Company was a monopoly in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act, and ordered it's breakup.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Women's Army Auxiillary Corps. Also, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 Eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.
In 1972, during an outdoor rally in Laurel, Maryland, George Wallace, governor of Alabama and presidential candidate, was shot and permanently paralyzed.
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Today------Singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 78, Singer Trini Lopez is 77, Singer Lainie Kazan is 74, Actor Chazz Palminteri is 68, Musician Brian Eno is 66, Actor Nicholas Hammond is 64, Author David Almond is 63 and Baseball player George Brett is 61.
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May 15th is: Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day, International Day Of Families, International MPS Awareness Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officers Memorial Day and Straw Hat Day.
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Quip for the day......Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
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Larryj
Today's-----uh oh.......
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh damn.
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Today is Friday, May 16, the 136th day of the year. There are 229 days left in the year.
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In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the eleven articles of impeachment against him.
In 1918, the U.S. Congress passed the Sedition Act, a piece of legislation designed to protect America's participation in World War I. It was later repealed in 1921.
In 1929, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences handed out its first awards at a dinner party held in the Blossom Room of the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood, CA.
In 1939, the federal government began its first food stamp program in Rochester, New York.
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Today------Actress Yvonne Craig is 77, Drummer Billy Cubham is 70, Actor Danny Trejo is 70, Guitarist Robert Fripp is 68, Talk show host Bob Edwards is 67, Actor Pierce Brosnan is 61.
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May 16th is: Bats Day (16-18), Biographer's Day, Endangered Species Day, International Virtual Assistants Day, O. Henry Pun-Off Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Piercing Day, National Pizza Party Day and National Sea Monkey Day.
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Quip for the day.......I'm out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.....
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ......
I D 1 0 T
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Today is Saturday, May 17, the 137th day of the year. There are 228 days left in the year.
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In 1782, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.
In 1943, the crew of the Memphis Belle, one of a group of American bombers based in Britain, became the first B-17 crew to complete 25 missions over Europe.
In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, struck down segregated schools, ruling that "separate educational facilities are inherently unequal."
In 1973, in Washington, D.C., the Senate Select Committee on Presidential Campaign Activities began televised hearings on the escalating Watergate affair.
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Today----Author Gary Paulsen is 75, Actor Adel Emam is 74, Actor Peter Gerety is 74 and Songwriter Taj Mahal is 72.
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May 17th is: Armed Forces Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day, Morel Mushroom Days (17-18), National Learn To Swim Day, Preakness, World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day, World Telecommunications Day and World Neurofibromatosis Day.
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Quip for the day........Be content with what you've got...........but be sure you've got plenty.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.......
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
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Today is Sunday, May 18, the 138th day of the year. There are 227 days left in the year.
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In 1871, Kiowa Chief Santana joined with other Indians to massacre a wagon train near the Red River in northeastern Texas.
In 1917, the U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service Act giving the U.S. President the power to draft soldiers.
In 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded, leaving 57 people dead or missing.
In 2004, Arizona Diamondbacks Randy Johnson became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game against the Atlanta Braves.
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Today------Actor Bill Macy is 92, Actor Robert Morse is 83, Actor Dwayne Hickman is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 77, Actress Miriam Margolyes is 73, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 68, Country singer Joe Bonsall is 66, Songwriter Rick Wakeman is 65, Singer Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo) is 64 and Country singer George Strait is 62.
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May 18th is: Bay To Breakers Race, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day, Neighbor Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.
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Quip for the day.......Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
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NOTICE: I HAVE TO GO HAVE A TEST DONE AT THE HOSPITAL EARLY MONDAY SO THERE WILL NOT BE AN ENTRY FOR THAT DAY. TUESDAY'S ENTRY IS DEPENDENT ON WHAT TIME THEY LET ME GO HOME. THE TEST REQUIRES ME TO BE OBSERVED FOR 24 HOURS.
Larryj
Today's--------I'm back.......finally.....see the observations thread later for the whole story...
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
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Today is Friday, May 23, the 143th day of the year. There are 222 days left in the year.
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In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush near Sailes, Louisiana.
In 1939, the Navy submarine USS Squalus sank during a test dive off the New England coast. Thirty-two crew members and one civilian were rescued, but 26 others died; the sub was salvaged and recommissioned the USS Sailfish.
In 1960, a tsunami caused by a massive 8.5 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Chile hit Hilo, Hawaii, killing 61 people.
In 1984, Surgeon General C. Everett Koop issued a report saying there was "very solid" evidence linking cigarette smoke to lung diseases in non-smokers.
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Today-------Actress Barbara Barrie is 83, Actress Joan Collins is 81, Actress Lauren Chapin is 69, Golfer David Graham is 68, Actress Linda Diane Thompson is 64, Chess grandmaster Anatoly Karpov is 63, Guitarist Doyle Dykes is 60 and Boxing Hall-of-Famer Marvelous Marvin Hagler is 60.
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May 23rd is: Heat Awareness Safety Day, National Polka Day, National Title Track Day, National Taffy Day, National Wig Out Day, World Crohn's And Colitis Day, World Turtle Day and Don't Fry Day.
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Quip for the day....It works better if you plug it in.
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Larryj
Today's--------oldie but goodie......
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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Today is Saturday, May 24, the 144th day of the year. There are 221 days left in the year.
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In 1775, John Hancock was elected President of the Continental Congress.
In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge was dedicated.
In 1884, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he opened America's first telegraph line.
In 1935, the Cincinnati Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies 2-1 on this night in 1935 in Major League Baseball's first-ever night game, played courtesy of recently installed lights at Crosley Field in Cincinnati.
In 1974, Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington died at age 75.
In 1994, four men convicted of bombing New York's World Trade Center in 1993 were each sentenced to 240 years in prison.
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Today------Comedian Tommy Chong is 76, Singer Bob Dylan is 73, Actor Gary Burghoff is 71, Singer Patti LaBelle is 70, Actress Priscilla Presley is 69, Actress Sybil Danning is 67, Actor Jim Broadbent is 65 and Actor Alfred Molina is 61.
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May 24th is: Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day, Brother's Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Morse Code Day.
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Quip for the day.......Don't give people money.......it gives them amnesia.
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Larryj
Today's----it's Sunday......
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
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Today is Sunday, May 25, the 145th day of the year. There are 220 days left in the year.
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In 1787, the Constitutional Convention began at the Pennsylvania State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia.
In 1935, Babe Ruth hit his 714th and last home run, for the Boston Braves, against the Pittsburg Pirates.
In 1964, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Griffin v. County School Board of Prince Edward County, ordered the Virginia county to reopen its public schools, which were closed in a bid to circumvent the Supreme Court's 1954 Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka public school desegregation ruling.
In 1979, an American Airlines DC-10, taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport, crashed killing all 277 people on board.
___________________________________________
Today------Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 78, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 75, Country singer Jessi Coulter is 71, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 71, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 70, Actress Karen Valentine is 67, Actress Jacki Weaver is 67 and Author Jamaica Kincaid is 65.
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May 25th is: Cookie Monster's Birthday, Indianapolis 500, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day and Towel Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Everything east of the San Andreas fault in California will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
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Larryj
Today's-------oops.....
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone,
"Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up."
Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return.
"Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."
"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
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Today is Monday, May 26, the 146th day of the year. There are 219 days left in the year.
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In 1913, Actors' Equity Association was organized by a group of actors at the Pabst Grand Circle Hotel in New York.
In 1927, Henry Ford and his son Edsel drove the 15 millionth Model T Ford out of their factory, marking the famous automobile's official last day of production.
In 1938, Congress established The House Un-American Activities Committee.
In 1942, the Tule Lake Segregation Center for Japanese-American WWII internees opened in California.
___________________________________________
Today------Sportscaster Brent Musburger is 75, Baseball player Darrell Evans is 67, Singer Stevie Nicks is 66, Actor Philip Thomas is 65, Actress Pam Grier is 65 and Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 65.
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May 26th is: Memorial Day (observed) May 30 is traditional, Prayer For Peace Memorial Day and World Lindy Hop Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
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Larryj
Today's--------different take on an old joke.....
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is United Airlines, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is British Airways, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the little hand is on the 6....."
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Today is Tuesday, May 27, the 147th day of the year. There are 218 days left in the year.
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In 1831, Jedediah Smith, one of the nation's most important trapper-explorers, was killed by Comanche Indians on the Santa Fe Trail.
In 1933, the Chicago World's Fair, celebrating "A Century of Progress," officially opened.
In 1933, Walt Disney's Academy Award-winning animated short "The Three Little Pigs" was first released.
In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County, California, was opened to pedestrian traffic.
In 1997, a tornado in Jarrell, Texas, destroyed the town and killed nearly 30 people.
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Today-------Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Herman Wouk is 99, Actor Christopher Lee is 92, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 91, Author Harlan Ellison is 80, Jazz pianist Ramsey Lewis is 79, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 78, Songwriter Don Williams is 75, Singer Cilla Black is 71, Actor Lewis Collins is 68 and Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 64.
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May 27th is: Cellophane Tape Day.
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Quip for the day.......There aren't enough days in the weekend.
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Larryj
Chuckle.
Reading that joke prompted me to find out what ever happened to Ozark Airlines headquartered at Springfield, MO.
It merged with TWA in '86. TWA merged with American in 2001. Last I heard American was still in business.
A resurrected Ozark formed in 2000 in Columbia, MO. In 2001 it was sold to Great Plains Airlines based out of Tulsa. Great Plains went bankrupt in 2004
Interesting. The original version of that joke was:
A young lady at a USO Club announced that the time was 4:00 PM. She said, "For you Army and Air Force personnel that is 1600 hours, for you Navy personnel that is eight bells, and for you Marines, the little hand is on the 6.....
I did tell this one a long time ago just to rankle good ole Jarhead when he was active on the Forum. I think he threatened to come out here and do me bodily harm, but the boy never showed up.
Larryj
Today's-----I always liked this one.....
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
But don't call me old... just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature.
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Today is Wednesday, May 28, the 148th day of the year. There are 217 days left in the year.
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In 1892, the Sierra Club was organized.
In 1912, the Senate Commerce Committee issued its report on the Titanic disaster that cited a "state of absolute unpreparedness," improperly tested safety equipment and an "indifference to danger" as some of the causes of an "unnecessary tragedy."
In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington signaling that vehicle traffic could begin crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.
In 1957, National League owners voted unanimously to allow the New York Giants and the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to San Francisco and Los Angeles.
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Today-----Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 85, Actress Carroll Baker is 83, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 76, Actress Beth Howland is 73, Singer Gladys Knight is 70, Actress-director Sandra Locke is 70, Singer Billy Vera is 70 and Singer John Fogerty is 69.
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May 28th is: National Senior Health And Fitness Day, Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day and World Multiple Sclerosis Day.
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Quip for the day........I think.....therefore I am.........confused.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.....
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
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Today is Thursday, May 29, the 149th day of the year. There are 216 days left in the year.
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In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.
In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.
In 1922, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that organized baseball did not violate anti-trust laws as alleged by the Baltimore franchise of the defunct Federal League in 1915. The Court held that organized baseball is not a business, but a sport. (hmmm....)
In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.
In 1999, Discovery became the first space shuttle to dock with the International Space Station.
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Today-----Actor Clifford James is 93, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Al Unser is 75, Actor Kevin Conway is 72, Actor Anthony Geary is 67, Singer Francis Rossi is 65, Author Andrew Clements is 65, Singer Rebbie Jackson is 64, Composer Danny Elfman is 61 and Singer Karla DeVito is 61.
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May 29th is: Learn About Composting Day, International Day Of United Nations Peacekeepers and Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day.
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Quip for the day......I am boldly going forward.......because I can't find reverse.
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Larryj
Today's----funny.........
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
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Today is Friday, May 30, the 150th day of the year. There are 215 days left in the year.
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In 1868, by proclamation of General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, the first Memorial Day was held to honor those who died "in defense of their country in the late rebellion." It was known to some as "Decoration Day."
In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun.
In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., was dedicated.
In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today---Country musician Johnny Gimble is 88, Actor Clint Walker is 87, Actress Ruta Lee is 78, Actor Keir Dullea is 78, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 75, Football player Gale Sayers is 71, Guitarist Lenny Davidson (Dave Clark Five) is 70, Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 63 and Actor Colm Meaney is 61.
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May 30th is: Loomis Day and Mint Julep Day.
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Quip for the day......Many wives think their husbands are the world's greatest lovers. They just can't catch them at it.
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Larryj
Today's---hah.....
A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."
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Today is Saturday, May 31, the 151st day of the year. There are 214 days left in the year.
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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.
In 1859, the famous clock tower known as Big Ben rang for the first time.
In 1889, some 2,200 people in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, perished when the South Fork Dam holding back Lake Conemaugh collapsed, sending 20 million tons of water rushing through the town.
In 1913, U.S. Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan proclaimed the 17th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, providing for popular election of U.S. Senators, to be in effect.
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Today---Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 84, Singer Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul and Mary) is 76, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 71, Actress Sharon Gless is 71, Actor Tom Berenger is 65 and Actor Gregory Harrison is 64.
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May 31st is: Hug Your Cat Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day, The Wicket World Of Croquet Day and World No-Tobacco Day.
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Quip for the day......Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
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Larryj
Today's--------oh no.......
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend of golf at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies' tee all these years!"
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Today is Sunday, June 1, the 152nd day of the year. There are 213 days left in the year.
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In 1813, the mortally wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, Capt. James Lawrence, gave the order, "Don't give up the ship" during a losing battle with the British frigate HMS Shannon in the War of 1812.
In 1914, U.S. Secretary of the Navy Josephus Daniels issued General Order 99 banning alcoholic beverages from Naval vessels, effective July 1, 1914.
In 1968, Helen Keller, blind and deaf since birth, died in Westport, Connecticut, at age 87.
In 1980, CNN (Cable News Network), the world's first 24-hour television news network, made its debut.
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Today-----Singer Pat Boone is 80, Actor Morgan Freeman is 77, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 74, Actor Robert Powell is 70, Actor Brian Cox is 68, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 67, Guitarist Ron Wood (Rolling Stones) is 67, Actor Powers Boothe is 66, Singer Tom Robinson I 64, Actress Misty Rowe is 64, Actress Diana Canova is 61, and Country singer Ronnie Dunn is 61.
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June 1st is: Children's Memorial Awareness Day, Global Day Of Parents, Heimlich Maneuver Day, National Cancer Survivors Day, National Go Barefoot Day, Oscar The Grouch Day, Say Something Nice Day and Stand For Children Day.
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Quip for the day.....One nice thing about egotists.........they don't talk about other people.
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Larryj
Today's------good thinking.......
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
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Today is Monday, June 2, the 153rd day of the year. There are 212 days left in the year.
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In 1865, with the surrender of Confederate General Edmund Kirby Smith, commander of the Confederate forces west of the Mississippi, the last Confederate Army ceased to exist bringing a formal close to the Civil War.
In 1921, torrential rains slammed Pueblo County, Colorado, causing a flash flood that left 120 people dead.
In 1924, Congress passed a measure that was then signed by President Calvin Coolidge guaranteeing full American citizenship for all Native Americans born within territorial limits.
In 1935, Babe Ruth, one of the greatest players in the history of baseball, ended his Major League playing career after 22 seasons, 10 World Series and 714 home runs.
In 1966, the U.S. space probe Surveyor 1 landed on the moon and began transmitting detailed photographs of the lunar surface.
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Today-----Actress-singer Sallie Kellerman is 77, Actor Ron Ely is 76, Actor Stacy Keach is 73, Drummer Charlie Watts (Rolling Stones) is 73, Actor Jerry Mathers is 66, Actor Keith Allen is 61, Author Cornel Ronald West is 61, Race car driver Steve Kinser is 60 and Actor Dennis Haysbert is 60.
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June 2nd is: National Bubba Day, National Leave The Office Early Day, National Thank God It's Monday Day, and Yell "Fudge" at the cobras in North America Day.
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Quip for the day........Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see I forgot to put on my pants.
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Larryj
Today's---------good one......
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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Today is Tuesday, June 3, the 154th day of the year. There are 211 days left in the year.
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In 1888, the poem "Casey at the Bat," by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, was first published in the San Francisco Examiner.
In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson signed into law the National Defense Act which expanded the size and scope of the National Guard, guaranteeing its status as the nation's permanent reserve force.
In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.
In 1956, city authorities in Santa Cruz, California, announced a total ban of Rock and Roll at public gatherings, calling the music "detrimental to both the health and morals of our youth and community."
In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.
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Today-----TV show host Chuck Barris is 85, Actress Irma P. Hall is 79, Singer Ian Hunter (Mott The Hoople) is 75, Golfer Hale Irwin is 69, Actor Tristan Rogers is 68, Singer Suzi Quatro is 64, Singer Deneice Williams is 64 and Singer Dan Hill is 60.
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June 3rd is: Chimborazo Day. (Okay, you don't have to look this up, I already did. Chimborazo is the name of a mountain which is considered to be the highest point on Earth because it is closer to the Equator than Mt. Everest. Although lower in feet, it is higher because of the bulge of the Earth at the Equator.)
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Quip for the day........All good things come to an end. I just want to know when they start.
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Larryj
Today's-----blonde joke day........
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
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Today is June 4, the 155th day of the year. There are 210 days left in the year.
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In 1876, a mere 83 hours after leaving New York City, the Transcontinental Express train arrived in San Francisco, California.
In 1919, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was passed by Congress and sent to the states for ratification.
In 1939, the German ocean liner MS St. Louis, carrying more than 900 Jewish refugees from Germany, was turned away from the Florida coast by U.S. officials.
In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway began, resulting in an American victory against Japan and marking the turning point of the war in the Pacific.
In 1998, a federal judge sentenced Terry Nichols to life in prison for his role in the 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City.
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Today----Sex therapist and media personality Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 86, Actor Bruce Dern is 78, Author Joyce Meyer is 71, Singer Michelle Phillips (The Mommas and Papas) is 70 and Actor Parker Stevenson is 62.
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June 4th is: Audacity To Hope Day, International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression, National Tailor's Day and Old Maid's Day.
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Quip for the day.......My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
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Larryj
Today's-----whoops.......
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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Today is Thursday, June 5, the 156th day of the year. There are 209 days left in the year.
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In 1884, Civil War hero Gen. William T. Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve is elected."
In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard, a monetary system in which currency is backed by gold.
In 1944, more than 1,000 British bombers dropped 5,000 tons of bombs on German gun batteries placed at the Normandy assault area, while nearly 160,000 Allied troops crossed the English Channel for the invasion of Normandy -- D-Day.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's presidential primary.
In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.
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Today-----Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 89, Broadcast journalist Bill Moyers is 80, Actor Colm Wilkinson is 70, Singer Laurie Anderson is 67, Author Ken Follett is 65, Financial guru Suze Orman is 63, Drummer Nicko Mcbrain (Iron Maiden) is 62 and Producer Kathleen Kennedy is 61.
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June 5th is: Apple II Day, Festival Of Popular Delusions Day, Hot Air Balloon Day, National Moonshine Day, National Running Day and World Environment Day,
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Quip for the day........(Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)
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Larryj
Quote from Larry:
I did tell this one a long time ago just to rankle good ole Jarhead when he was active on the Forum. I think he threatened to come out here and do me bodily harm, but the boy never showed up.
I aint forgot Doc and you are still number one on my whup ass list but me and the ice had a little tussle in Dec---and the ice won. Not to worry though because July 10 the VA is gonna fix my shoulder up good as new. Oh hell, I could whup you with just a stiff left jab but I want to be able to throw a right hook or two so after July 10, then 8 weeks in a sling, a couple months of rehab, then 8 months of recovery time you will be seeing me. Better get to doing some push ups and jumping jacks my friend because your arse is grass and this ol Jarhead is the lawn mower !!! :)
LOL!!!!!!! Given the current state of the VA, you might want to add a couple of years to that estimate!!!!
Ice.......hmmm.....I must have missed that one. Was that too many ice cubes in your 'shine, or a walk across thin ice, or were you standing under a large falling icicle....what happened, pal?
Larryj
Today's--------Random ideas........
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?
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Today is Friday, June 6, the 157th day of the year. There are 208 days left in the year.
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In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) was founded in London.
In 1933, eager motorists parked their cars on the grounds of Park-In Theaters, the first-ever drive in movie theater in Camden, N.J.
In 1939, the first Little League game was played as Lundy Lumber defeated Lycoming Dairy 23-8 in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.
In 1944, Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France, on "D-Day," beginning the liberation of German-occupied Western Europe during World War II.
In 1955, the U.S. Post Office introduced regular certified mail service.
In 1971, twenty three years after its 1948 premiere, "The Ed Sullivan Show" had its final broadcast.
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Today------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 82, Civil-rights activist Roy Innes is 80, Singer Gary U.S. Bonds is 75, Olympian Tommy Smith is 70, Actor Robert Englund is 67 and Actor Harvey Fierstein is 60.
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June 6th is: Atheists Pride Day, Doughnut Day, Horseradish Days (6-8), National Lemonade Days (6-8), Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (6-8), Russian Language Day, Yo-yo day and D-Day.
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Quip for the day.........Reading is detrimental to ignorance.
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Larryj
Today's----more random notes........
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Today is Saturday, June 7, the 158th day of the year. There are 207 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia introduced a resolution for independence to the Continental Congress in Philadelphia. John Adams seconded the motion.
In 1913, Hudson Stuck led the first successful ascent of Mt. McKinley, the highest point on the American continent at 20,320 feet.
In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway ended in a decisive victory for American forces over the Imperial Japanese.
In 1972, the musical "Grease" opened on Broadway, having already been performed in lower Manhattan.
In 1998, in a crime that shocked the nation, James Byrd Jr., a black man, was hooked to a pick-up truck and dragged to his death in Jasper, Texas. (Two white men were later sentenced to death. A third defendant received life with the possibility of parole.)
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Today--Movie director James Ivory is 86, Singer Tom Jones is 74, Actor Ken Osmond is 71, Poet Nikki Giovanni is 71, Talk show host Jenny Jones is 68, Actress Anne Twomay is 63, Actor Liam Neeson is 62 and Actress Colleen Camp is 61.
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June 7th is: Belmont Stakes, Daniel Boone Day, Do-Dah Parade Day (Kalamazoo, Michigan), Drawing Day or Pencil Day, National Trails Day, Xterra Off-Road Triathalon and VCR Day.
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Quip for the day.......The floggings will continue until morale improves.
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Larryj
Today's-----old but good......
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.
The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."
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Today is Sunday, June 8, the 159th day of the year. There are 206 days left in the year.
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In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for a second term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's convention in Baltimore.
In 1874, Chief Cochise, one of the great leaders of the Apache Indians, died on the Chiricahua Reservation is Southeastern Arizona.
In 1915, Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan resigned in a disagreement with President Woodrow Wilson over U.S. handling of the sinking of the Lusitania.
In 1953, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that restaurants in the District of Columbia could not refuse to serve blacks.
In 1968, James Earl Ray, escaped American convict, was arrested in London, England, and charged with the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
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Today---Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 87, Comedian Joan Rivers is 81, Actress Millicent Martin is 80, Actor James Darren is 77, Actor Bernie Casey is 75, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 74, Author Andrew Weil is 71, Musician Boz Scaggs is 70, Actor Colin Baker is 70, Author Sara Paretsky is 67, Actress Sonia Braga is 64, Actress Kathy Baker is 64 and Singer Bonnie Tyler is 62.
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June 8th is: Children's Sunday, Multicultural American Child Day, National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Race Unity Day, Upsy Daisy Day and World Oceans Day.
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Quip for the day.......If at first you don't succeed, well..........darn.
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Larryj
Today's------ouch.....
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"
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Today is Monday, June 9, the 160th day of the year. There are 205 days left in the year.
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In 1856, nearly 500 Mormons left Iowa City, Iowa, and headed west for Salt Lake City carrying all their goods and supplies in two-wheeled handcarts.
In 1934, the first Walt Disney animated cartoon featuring Donald Duck, "The Wise Little Hen," was released.
In 1973, Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes to become the first Triple Crown winner since Citation in 1948.
In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood.
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Today-----Comedian Jackie Mason is 86, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 75, Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 75, Race car driver David Hobbs is 74 and Guitarist Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 66.
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June 9th is: Donald Duck Day and World APS Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you do not say it, they won't repeat it.
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Larryj
Today's------good one.....
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it.......Yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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Today is Tuesday, June 10, the 161st day of the year. There are 204 days left in the year.
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In 1692, in Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, Bridget Bishop, the first colonist to be tried in the Salem witch trials, was hanged after being found guilty of practicing witchcraft.
In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.
In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who had served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.
In 1935, in New York City, two recovering alcoholics, one a New York broker and the other an Ohio physician, founded Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Today------World Golf Hall-Of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 84, Actor Mickey Jones in 73, Singer Jose Feliciano is 68, Actor Frankie Faison is 65, Football player Dan Fouts is 63 and Actress Amy Irving is 60.
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June 10th is: Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day, Iced Tea Day and World Pet Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day........Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and he enjoys it.
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Larryj
:o You should have posted "today's quip" a couple of days ago...Soooooo applicable!!!! lol
(Nice to have you back now that school is over, Cat!)
Today's-----blonde joke day........
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Today is Wednesday, June 11, the 162nd day of the year. There are 203 days left in the year.
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In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner.
In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay escaped using a makeshift raft; they were never found or heard from again.
In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.
In 1979, John Wayne, an iconic American actor famous for starring in countless westerns, died at age 72 after battling cancer for more than a decade. (Note here: John Wayne lived in Orange County near where my son spends his winter season. John Wayne had one of the bigger yachts in Newport Bay and died at Hoag Memorial Hospital in Newport Beach.)
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Today----Composer Carlisle Floyd is 88, Actor Gene Wilder is 81, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 75, Author Robert Munsch is 69, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 69, Actor Michael Swan is 66, Actor Peter Bergman is 61 and Journalist Greta Van Susteren is 60.
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June 11th is: Corn On The Cob Day, Asparagus Day, German Chocolate Cake Day and Hug Day.
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Quip for the day.....Shotgun Wedding definition: A case of wife or death.
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Larryj
Today's---------and another one.....
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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Today is Thursday, June 12, the 163rd day of the year. There are 202 days left in the year.
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In 1939, The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.
In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."
In 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were slashed to death outside her Los Angeles home. (O.J. Simpson was later acquitted of the killings in a criminal trial, but was eventually held liable in a civil action.)
In 2003, film actor Gregory Peck died at his home in Los Angeles at age 87.
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Today------David Rockefeller is 99, Former President George H.W. Bush is 90, Singer Vic Damone is 86, Actor Jim Nabors is 84, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 73, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 73, Actor David Thornton is 61 and Actress Ella Joyce is 60.
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June 12th is: Crowded Nest Awareness Day, Loving Day, National Jerky Day, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day, Career Nurse Assistants Day, Superman Day and World Day Against Child Labor.
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Quip for the day......Marriage is natures way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
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Larryj
Today's----uh oh......
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
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Today is Friday, June 13, the 164th day of the year. There are 201 days left in the year.
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In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindberg was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.
In 1942, the first of two four-man Nazi sabotage teams arrived in the United States during World War II. (The eight were arrested after one of them went to U.S. authorities; six of the saboteurs were executed.)
In 1966, the Supreme Court handed down its decision in Miranda v. Arizona, establishing the principle that all criminal suspects must be advised of their rights before interrogation.
In 1983, the U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system as it crossed the orbit of Neptune.
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Today-------Actor Bob McGrath is 82, Artist Christo is 79, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 71, Actor Richard Thomas is 63, Actor Stellan Skarsgard is 63 and Actor Tim Allen is 61.
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June 13th is: Banana Split Days (13-14), Blame Someone Else Day, Poultry Day, Ryan Moran Day and Work@Home Father's Day.
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Quip for the day......The farmer allows people to cross his field for free........but the bull charges.
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Larryj
Today's---quickie..
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
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Today is Saturday, June 14, the 165th day of the year. There are 200 days left in the year.
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In 1777, during the American Revolution, the Continental Congress adopted a resolution stating that "the flag of the United States be thirteen alternate stripes red and white" and that "the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new Constellation.
In 1846, anticipating the outbreak of war with Mexico, American settlers in California rebelled against the Mexican government and proclaimed the short-lived California Republic.
In 1922, Warren G. Harding became the first president heard on radio, as Baltimore station WEAR broadcast his speech dedicating the Francis Scott Key Memorial.
In 1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure adding the phrase "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.
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Today-------Actress Marla Gibbs is 83, Real estate mogul Donald Trump is 68, Actor Will Patton is 60 and the United States Army is 239.
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June 14th is: Army's Birthday, Dollars Against Diabetes Days (14-15), Family History Day, Flag Day, International Young Eagles Day, Magic Circles Day, Missing Mutts Awareness Day, National Bourbon Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day, World Juggling Day, World Wide Knit In Public Day and the Queen's Official Birthday.
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Quip for the day....If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
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Larryj
Today's-----groaner.....
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the seat.
He grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
Quite shaken now, he immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY?"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary."
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Today is Sunday, June 15, the 166th day of the year. There are 199 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voted unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.
In 1776, the Assembly of the Lower Counties of Pennsylvania declared itself independent of British and Pennsylvania authority, thereby creating the state of Delaware.
In 1846, Great Britain and the United States signed the Oregon Treaty setting the 49th Parallel as the official border and giving control of the Oregon Territory to the United States.
In 1944, American forces began their successful invasion of Saipan during World War II.
In 2004, Tim Berners-Lee received the $1.2 million Millennium Technology Prize for creating the World Wide Web.
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Today---Author Brian Jacques is 75, Singer Noddy Holder (Slade) is 68, Former baseball player Dusty Baker is 65, Actor Simon Callow is 65 and Actor Jim Belushi is 60.
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June 15th is: Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Global Wind Day, Husband Caregiver Day, Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day Of Prayer For Local Law Enforcement Officers, Worldwide Elder Abuse Awareness Day and Worldwide Day Of Giving.
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Quip for the day..........4 wheel drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
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Larryj
Today's------it figures....
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
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Today is Monday, June 16, the 167th day of the year. There are 198 days left in the year.
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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."
In 1884, the first roller coaster in America opened at Coney Island, in Brooklyn, New York. Known as a switchback railway, it traveled approximately six miles per hour and costs a nickel to ride.
In 1903, the Ford Motor Company was incorporated.
In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Banking Act, which established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp., and the National Industrial Recovery Act. The latter act was struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.
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Today-----Actress Annie Cordie is 86, Actor Bill Cobbs is 80, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 76, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 73, Singer Eddie Levert (The O'Jays) is 72, Actress Joan Van Ark is 71, Actor Geoff Pierson is 65, Actor Mithun Chakraborty is 64 and Boxer Roberto Duran is 63.
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June 16th is: Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Ladies Day (Baseball) and Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles).
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Quip for the day........the factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
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Larryj
Today's----oh no day.......
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.
Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."
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Today is Tuesday, June 17, the 168th day of the year. There are 197 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British.
In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York.
In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a flight from Newfoundland to Wales with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman passenger.
In 1972, five men were arrested for breaking into the Democratic National Committee offices in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C.
In 1992, President George H.W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed a breakthrough arms-reduction agreement.
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Today------Actor William Lucking is 73, Singer Barry Manilow is 71, Comedian Joe Piscopo is 63 and Actor Mark Linn-Baker is 60.
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June 17th is: Eat Your Vegetables Day, Stewart's Root Beer Day and World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought.
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Quip for the day....People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
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Larryj
Today's----oldie but goodie......
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
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Today is Wednesday, June 18, the 169th day of the year. There are 196 days left in the year.
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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.
In 1798, President John Adams passed the Naturalization Act, the first of four pieces of controversial legislation known together as the Aliens and Seditions Acts.
In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the U.S. Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.
In 1983, astronaut Sally K. Ride, 32, became America's first woman in space.
In 1984, talk radio icon Alan Berg, the self-described "the man you love to hate," was gunned down and killed in the driveway of his home in Denver, Colorado.
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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lou Brock is 75, Singer Sue Raney is 74, Author Delia Smith is 73, Rock singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 72, Actress Linda Thorson is 67, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 62 and Actress Carol Kane is 62.
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June 18th is: International Sushi Day.
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Quip for the day......If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting a great education!
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Larryj
Today's----old but funny......
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
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Today is Thursday, June 19, the 170th day of the year. There are 195 days left in the year.
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In 1865, Union troops commanded by Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all remaining slaves were free, an event celebrated to this day as "Juneteenth."
In 1905, some 450 people attended the opening of the first Nickelodeon, located in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. (The term Nickelodeon came from the price of admission - one nickel - and the Greek word for "theater" - odeon.)
In 1944, during World War II, the two-day battle of the Philippine Sea began, resulting in a decisive victory for the Americans over the Japanese.
In 1953, Julius and Ethel Rosenburg, who were convicted of conspiring to pass atomic secrets to the Soviets, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in New York.
In 1964, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved by the U.S. Senate, 73-27, after a lengthy filibuster.
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Today-------Actress Gina Rowlands is 84, Singer Paul Kelly is 74, Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyl (soochee) is 69, Author Salman Rushdie is 67, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 66, Singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 64 and Actress Kathleen Turner is 60.
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June 19th is: Dump The Pump Day, Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, Recess At Work Day, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.
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Quip for the day......The problem with research grants is that if you solve the problem......you're out of a job.
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Larryj
Today's----and another one.....
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.
Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.
So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger!"
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred.... pull hard!"
Benny just stood there.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Ok, Benny... now pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer, "I really appreciate that, but why did you call your horse by the wrong name 3 times?"
The farmer said, "Why, old Benny's blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he won't even try."
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Today is Friday, June 20, the 171st day of the year. There are 194 days left in the year.
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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the U.S., featuring the bald eagle.
In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state.
In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Huston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)
In 1975, the film, Jaws, directed by Steven Spielberg, that made countless viewers afraid to go in the water, was opened in theaters.
In 1994, O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty in Los Angeles to the killings of his ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.
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Today-----Actor Martin Landau is 85, Actress Olympia Dukakis is 83, Actor Danny Aiello is 81, Football player Len Dawson is 79, Actor John Mahoney is 74, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys) is 72, Actor John McCook is 70, Singer Anne Murray is 69, Actress Candy Clark is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Ritchie is 65, Actor John Goodman is 62, Astronaut Brian Duffy is 61 and Bassist Michael Anthony is 60.
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June 20th is: American Eagle Day, National Flip Flop Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day, Ugliest Dog Day, World Productivity Day and World Refugee Day.
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Quip for the day.....it doesn't matter what temperature the room is...it's always room temperature.
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Larryj
Today's----yep......
A Swiss man visiting Dallas, Texas, pulled up to a corner where two men were waiting to cross the street.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.
The two Texans just stared at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Texan turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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Today is Saturday, June 21, the 172nd day of the year. There are 193 days left in the year.
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In 1788, the United States Constitution went into effect as New Hampshire became the ninth state to ratify it.
In 1834, Cyrus Hall McCormick received a patent for his reaping machine.
In 1964, Civil rights workers Michael H. Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James E. Chaney were slain in Philadelphia, Mississippi; their bodies were found buried in an earthen dam six weeks later. (Seven people were convicted of conspiracy in the case; none served more than six years in prison.)
In 1982, John W. Hinckley Jr., who on March 30, 1981, shot President Ronald Reagan and three others, was found not guilty of attempted murder by reason of insanity.
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Today-------Actor Bernie Kopell is 81, Actor Monte Markham is 79, Actress Mariette Hartley is 74, Singer Ray Davies (Kinks) is 70, Actress Meredith Baxter is 67, Actor Michael Gross is 67, Drummer Joey Kramer (Aerosmith) is 64 and Actress Robyn Douglass is 61.
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June 21st is: Alzheimer's Awareness Day, Atheists Solidarity Day, Cuckoo Warning Day, Global Orgasm Day, Go Skateboarding Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, Polar Bear Swim Day (Nome, Alaska), World Handshake Day, World Humanist Day and Summer Solstice (the first day of Summer.)
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Quip for the day.......The days before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
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Larryj
Today's----another groaner....
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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Today is Sunday, June 22, the 173rd day of the year. There are 192 days left in the year.
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In 1611, English explorer Henry Hudson, his son and several others were set adrift in Hudson Bay by mutineers aboard the Discovery.
In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.
In 1937, in Chicago's Comisky Park, Joe Louis won the world heavyweight boxing title when he defeated American Jim Braddock in an eight-round knockout.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Servicemen's Readjustment Act of 1944, known as the "GI Bill of Rights."
In 1945, during World War II, the U.S. 10th Army overcame the last major pockets of Japanese resistance on Okinawa Island.
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Today-----Actress Prunella Scales is 82, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 78, Actress Michael Learned is 73, Actor Klaus Maris Brandauer is 71, Producer Peter Asher is 70, Songwriter Todd Rundgren is 66, Actress Meryl Streep is 65, Actor Graham Greene is 62, Singer Cyndi Lauper is 61 and Actor Chris Lemmon is 60.
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June 22nd is: Global Smurfs Day and Stupid Guy Thing Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......People who think they know everything upset those of us that do.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----a little long, but I couldn't resist.......
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
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Today is Monday, June 23, the 174th day of the year. There are 191 days left in the year.
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In 1944, a spate of tornadoes across West Virginia and Pennsylvania killed more than 150 people.
In 1947, the Senate joined the House in overriding President Harry S. Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act, designed to limit the power of organized labor.
In 1969, Warren E. Burger was sworn in as chief justice of the United States by the man he was succeeding, Earl Warren.
In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon signed Title IX, which barred discrimination of the basis of sex for "any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance."
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Today----Actor Ted Shackelford is 68, Actor Bryan Brown is 67, Guitarist Myles Goodwyn (April Wine) is 66 and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 66.
___________________________________________
June 23rd is: Baby Boomers Recognition Day, International Widows Day, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day, Public Service Day and SAT Math Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day..........If you live in a country run by a committee......be on the committee.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----hah........
An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."
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Today is Tuesday, June 24, the 175th day of the year. There are 190 days left in the year.
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In 1675, in colonial New England, King Philip's War began when a band of Wampanoag warriors raided the border settlement of Swansee, Massachusetts, and massacred the English colonists there.
In 1864, Colorado Governor John Evans warned that all peaceful Indians in the region must report to the Sand Creek Reservation or risk being attacked, creating the conditions that led to the infamous Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1939, the Southeast Asian country Siam changed its name to Thailand. (It went back to being Siam in 1945, then became Thailand once again in 1949.)
In 1975, 113 people were killed when an Eastern Airlines Boeing 727 crashed while attempting to land at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.
In 1993, David Gelernter, a Yale University computer scientist, was seriously injured by a mail bomb sent from the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski.
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Today----Actor Al Molinaro is 95, Actress Michelle Lee is 72, Author Kathryn Lasky is 70, Guitarist Jeff Beck (Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group) is 70, Drummer Mick Fleetwood (Fleetwood Mac) is 67, Actor Peter Weller is 67 and Actress Nancy Allen is 64.
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June 24th is: Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day and National Columnists Day.
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Quip for the day.......Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny......
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Today is Wednesday, June 25, the 176th day of the year. There are 189 days left in the year.
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In 1788, Virginia ratified the U.S. Constitution.
In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of Little Big Horn.
In 1938, the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 was enacted.
In 1950, armed forces from North Korea invaded South Korea setting off the Korean War.
In 1956, the last Packard - the classic American luxury car with the famous enigmatic slogan "Ask the man who owns one" - rolled off the production line at Packard's plant in Detroit.
In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50. And, Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica, California, at age 62.
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Today-----Actress June Lockhart is 89, Author Eric Carle is 85, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 75, Former Basketball player Willis Reed is 72, Actor Jimmy Walker is 67, Actor Kene Holliday is 65 and Sportscaster Phyllis George is 65.
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June 25th is: Color TV Day (CBS), Day Of The Seafarer, Global Beatles Day and National Catfish Day.
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Quip for the day.....If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
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Larryj
Today's-----blond guy joke day.......
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"
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Today is Thursday, June 26, the 177th day of the year. There are 188 days left in the year.
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In 1870, the first section of Atlantic City, New Jersey's Boardwalk was opened to the public.
In 1925, Charlie Chaplin's classic comedy "The Gold Rush" premiered at Grauman's Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood.
In 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco.
In 1948, U.S. and British pilots began delivering food and supplies by airplane to Berlin after the city was isolated by a Soviet Union blockade.
In 1956, the U.S. Congress approved the Federal Highway Act which allocated more than $30 Billion for the construction of some 41,000 miles of interstate highways.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he delivered his famous speech expressing solidarity.
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Today----Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 80, Singer Billy Davis Jr. (The 5th Dimension) is 76, Singer Gilberto Gil is 72 and Actor Robert Davi is 61.
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June 26th is: International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture, National Canoe Day and National Handshake Day.
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Quip for the day......Dare to be average.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.......
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."
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Today is Friday, June 27, the 178th day of the year. There are 187 days left in the year.
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In 1844, Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, was murdered along with his brother Hyrum when an anti-Mormon mob broke into a jail where they were being held in Carthage, Illinois.
In 1846, New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires.
In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced he was ordering U.S. Air and Naval forces to South Korea.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon opened an official visit to the Soviet Union.
In 1985, after 59 years, the iconic Route 66 entered the realm of history when the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials decertified the road and voted to remove all its highway signs.
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Today-------Business executive Ross Perot is 84, Voice actress Kathryn Beaumont is 76, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 72, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 65 and Actress Julia Duffy is 63.
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June 27th is: Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day, National HIV Testing Day, National Bomb Pop Day and PTSD Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.........You are old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
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Larryj
Today's-----remember this one?.......
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot hole in the wooden fence, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
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Today is Saturday, June 28, the 179th day of the year. There are 186 days left in the year.
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In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip - the event which sparked World War I.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Housing Act, which established the Federal Housing Administration.
In 1953, workers at a Chevrolet plant in Flint, Michigan, assembled the first Corvette, a two-seater sports car. The first completed production car rolled off the assembly line two days later, one of just 300 made that year.
In 1994, President Bill Clinton became the first chief executive in U.S. history to set up a personal legal defense fund and ask Americans to contribute to it.
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Today-----Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 88, Soap opera actress Madeline Duggan is 70, Actor Bruce Davison is 68, Actress Kathy Bates is 66, Screenwriter Duncan Tucker is 61 and Actress Alice Krige is 60.
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June 28th is: ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Days (28-29), Great American Backyard Campout and International Body Piercing Day.
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Quip for the day.......Baseball is easier than golf. You hit the ball and someone else chases it.
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Larryj
Today's-----oh boy.......
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop... bass solo begins."
BONUS SUNDAY! A woman in a movie theater noticed that the man in front of her was sitting next to a large dog. Throughout the film, the man would lean over and whisper to the dog and the dog would nod in response.
Not only that, but funny scenes elicited from the dog a noise that sounded like laughter. The dog even whimpered at the sad ending.
The woman leaned forward and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I just can't get over your dog's behavior."
"Frankly, neither can I," the man replied. "He hated the book."
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Today is Sunday, June 29, the 180th day of the year. There are 185 days left in the year.
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In 1767, Britain approved the Townshend Revenue Act, imposing import duties on glass, paint, oil, lead, paper and tea shipped to America. (Colonists bitterly protested, prompting Parliament to repeal the duties, except for tea.)
In 1967, actress Jayne Mansfield was killed instantly when the car she was riding in struck the rear of a trailer truck east of New Orleans, Louisiana.
In 2003, four-time Academy Award winning actress Katharine Hepburn died of natural causes at age 96 at her home in Old Saybrook, Connecticut.
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Today-----Actress Cara Williams is 89, Producer Robert Evans is 84, Author John Bradshaw is 81, Actor Gary Busey is 70, Comedian Richard Lewis is 67, Drummer Ian Paice is 66, Actor Fred Grandy is 66, Singer Don Dokken is 61 and Singer Colin James Hay (Men At Work) is 61.
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June 29th is: America's Kids Day and Log Cabin Day.
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Quip for the day........Did you know that the word "listen" is an anagram for the word "silent"?
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Larryj
Today's------another blonde joke.....
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"They called back."
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Today is Monday, June 30, the 181st day of the year. There are 184 days left in the year.
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In 1933, the Screen Actors Guild was established.
In 1936, Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind, one of the best-selling novels of all time and the basis for a blockbuster 1939 movie, was published.
In 1962, Sandy Koufax struck out 13 batters and walked five to lead the Brooklyn Dodgers to victory over the New York Mets, 5-0, with his first career no-hitter.
In 2013, nineteen firefighters were killed battling a wildfire in Yarnell, Arizona, after a change in wind direction pushed the flames back toward their position.
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Today-----Author Thomas Sowell is 84, Actress Lea Massari is 81, Actress Nancy Dussault is 78 and Actor Leonard Whiting is 64.
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June 30th is: Descendants Day, Please Take My Children To Work Day and NOW (National Organization for Women) Day.
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Quip for the day.......I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
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Larryj
Today's-----yep.......
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
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Today is Tuesday, July 1, the 182nd day of the year. There are 183 days left in the year.
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In 1863, the pivotal three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.
In 1887, Clay Allison, eccentric gunfighter and rancher, died in a freak accident when a sudden jolt threw him off a freight wagon and a wheel rolled over his head.
In 1951, Cleveland Indians ace Bob Feller pitched the third no-hit game of his career to lead the Indians over the Detroit Tigers, 2-1. This made him the first modern era pitcher ever to throw three no-hitters.
In 1963, the U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP codes.
In 2005, the last Thunderbird, Ford Motor Company's iconic sports car, emerged from a Ford factory in Wixom, Michigan.
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Today----Actress Olivia DeHavilland is 98, Civil rights leader Curtis West Harris is 90, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 83, Actor Jamie Farr is 80, Actor David Prowse is 79, Cookie maker Wally Amos is 78, Dancer Twyla Tharp is 73, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 72, Singer Deborah Harry (Blondie) is 69, Actor Daryl Anderson is 63, Actor Trevor Eve is 63, Actor Terrence Mann is 63 and Actor Dan Aykroyd is 62.
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July 1st is: Canada Day, National GSA Employee Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day and ZIP code Day.
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Quip for the day......Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or Day, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother,
Ha-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin.
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Larryj
Today's---two quickies, one blonde....
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
And....
Two blondes were sitting on a porch in Texas. One says to the other, "Which do you think is farther? Florida or the moon?"
The other says, "Hellooooooooo! Can you see Florida?"
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Today is Wednesday, July 2, the 183rd day of the year. There are 182 days left in the year. (starting the second half of the year.)
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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states."
In 1881, President James A. Garfield, after only four months in office, was shot while walking through a railroad waiting room in Washington, D.C. He died 80 days later from blood poisoning.
In 1926, the United States Army Air Corps was created.
In 1937, the Lockheed aircraft carrying American aviator Amelia Earhart was reported missing near Howland Island in the Pacific Ocean.
In 1961, Author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.
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Today---Race car driver Richard Petty is 77, Actress Polly Dean Holliday is 77, Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 67, Actor Sal Rubinek is 66 and Songwriter Greg Brown is 65.
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July 2nd is: I Forgot Day, International Chicken Wing Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it still funny?
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Larryj
Today's-----funny one.......
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Today is July 3, the 184th day of the year. There are 181 days left in the year.
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In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as Confederate troops failed to breach Union positions during an assault known as Pickett's Charge.
In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.
In 1971, singer Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.
In 2012, actor Andy Griffith died at his home in North Carolina at age 86.
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Today-----Actor Tim O'Connor is 87, Astronaut Harrison Schmitt is 79, Playwright Tom Stoddard is 77, Lawyer Gloria Allred is 73, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 71, Actress Lynn Cohen is 70, Country singer Johnny Lee is 68, Actress Betty Buckley is 67, Author Dave Barry is 67 and Actress Jane Smithers is 65.
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July 3rd is: Compliment Your Mirror Day, Earth At Aphelion, International Plastic Bag Free Day, Stay Out Of The Sun Day, Roswell UFO Days 3-6 and Superman Day.
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Quip for the day.....If that annoying sound coming from your car really bothers you, crank up the volume on the radio.
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Larryj
Today's----old but funny........
Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test.
So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
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Today is Friday, July 4, the 185th day of the year. There are 180 days left in the year.
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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress.
In 1802, the United States Military Academy officially opened at West Point.
In 1826, former Presidents Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on the same day with five hours of each other.
In 1911, record temperatures were set in the Northeastern United States as a heat wave hit the area killing 380 people.
In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
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Today----Actress Eva Marie Saint is 90, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 87, Playwright Neil Simon is 87, Singer-songwriter Bill Withers is 76, Former football player Floyd Little is 72, Broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera is 71, Singer Jeremy Spencer (Fleetwood Mac) is 66 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Ralph Johnson (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 63.
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July 4th is: Boom Box Parade Day, Indivisible Day and Independence Day.
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Quip for the day......If I had to live my life all over again, I'd make the same mistakes.......only sooner.
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Larryj
Today's----uh oh........
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."
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Today is Saturday, July 5, the 186th day of the year. There are 179 days left in the year.
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In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.
in 1896, the famous outlaw Bill Doolin escaped from an Oklahoma jail after only a few months of captivity.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.
In 1946, French designer Louis Reard unveiled the two-piece swimsuit in Paris, later dubbed the "bikini."
In 1954, Elvis Presley's first commercial recording session took place in Memphis, Tennessee, when he recorded "That's all right, Mama."
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Today-------Actress Katherine Helmond is 86, Actress Shirley Knight is 78, Photographer Chuck Close is 74, Fashion designer Paul Smith is 68, Talk show host Judge Joe Brown is 67, Rock star Huey Lewis is 64 and Astronaut Terence Henricks is 62.
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July 5th is: Bikini Day, Hop A Park Day, International Day Of Cooperation and International Cherry Pit Spitting Day.
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Quip for the day......Is there life before coffee?
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Larryj
Today's------oops........
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
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Today is Sunday, July 6, the 187th day of the year. There are 178 days left in the year.
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In 1777, during the American Revolution, British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga.
In 1854, the first official meeting of the Republican Party took place in Jackson, Michigan.
In 1933, Major League Baseball's first All-Star Game took place at Chicago's Comiskey Park.
In 1957, Althea Gibson defeated Darlene Hard, 6-3, 6-2, to become the first African-American to win Wimbledon.
In 1971, world renown jazz trumpeter, Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, who help create what became known as swing, died at age 69.
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Today-----Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 93, Actor William Schallert is 92, Singer-actress Della Reese is 83, Actor Ned Beatty is 77, Actor Burt Ward is 69, Actor Sylvester Stallone is 68, Actor Fred Dryer is 68, Actress Shelley Hack is 67, Songwriter Libby Titus is 67, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 63, Singer Nancy Griffith is 61, Actress Allyce Beasley is 60 and Former baseball player Jason Thompson is 60.
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July 6th is: International Kissing Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.
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Quip for the day........Four signs of old age: 1. Forgetting names. 2. Forgetting faces. 3. Forgetting to zip up.
........................................................................4. Forgetting to zip down.
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Larryj
Today's-----uh oh........
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
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Today is Monday, July 7, the 188th day of the year. There are 177 days left in the year.
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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after surrender of a Mexican garrison.
In 1865, Mary Surratt was executed by the U.S. government for her role as a conspirator in President Abraham Lincoln's assassination.
In 1898, the U.S. annexed Hawaii.
In 1930, construction of Hoover Dam began. Over the next five years, a total of 21,000 men worked to produce the largest dam of the time.
In 1954, Elvis Presley made his radio debut as a Memphis, Tennessee, station played his first recording for Sun Records, "That's All Right, Mama."
In 2009, some 20,000 people gathered inside Staples Center in Los Angeles for a memorial service honoring Michael Jackson.
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Today---Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 87, Author David McCullough is 81, Musician Ringo Starr is 74, Comedian Bill Oddie is 73 and Actress Shelley Duvall is 65.
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July 7th is: Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day, Global Forgiveness Day and Tell The Truth Day.
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Quip for the day.....If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
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Today is Tuesday, July 8, the 189th day of the year. There are 176 days left in the year.
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In 1776, in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang from the tower of the Pennsylvania State House (now known as Independence Hall) summoning citizens to the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence.
In 1853, an expedition led by Commodore Matthew Perry arrived in Yedo Bay, Japan, on a mission to seek diplomatic and trade relations with the Japanese.
In 1889, The Wall Street Journal was first published.
In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the new permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
In 1959, Maj. Dale R. Ruis and Master Sgt. Chester M. Ovnand became the first Americans killed in the American phase of the Vietnam War when guerillas struck a MAAG Compound in Bien Hoa.
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Today------Singer Steve Lawrence is 79, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 70, Chef Wolfgang Puck is 65, Baseball player Alan Ashby is 63, Actress Anjelica Huston is 63, Author Christopher G. Moore is 62 and Author Marianne Williamson is 62.
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July 8th is: Math 2.0 Day and SCUD Day (Save The Comics, Unplug The Drama).
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Quip for the day.....I am going to name my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. That way when they screw up, I can just hit them all at once.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny.......
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs.
They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."
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Today is Wednesday, July 9, the 190th day of the year. There are 175 days left in the year.
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In 1850, Zachary Taylor, the 12th President of the United States, died suddenly from an attack of Cholera.
In 1918, 101 people were killed in a train collision in Nashville, Tennessee.
In 1918, the Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.
In 1938, Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo died in Port Chester, New York, at age 68.
In 1944, during World War II, American forces secured Saipan as the last Japanese defenses fell.
In 1947, in a ceremony held at the Pentagon, General Dwight D. Eisenhower appointed Florence Blanchfield to be a Lieutenant Colonel in the U.S. Army making her the first woman in U.S. history to hold permanent military rank.
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Today----Singer Ed Ames is 87, Baseball player Hector Lopez is 85, Neurologist and author Oliver Sacks is 81, Actor Richard Wilson is 78, Actor Brian Dennehy is 76, Actor Richard Roundtree is 72, Author Dean Koontz is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson is 67, Actor Chris Cooper is 63 and Pianist John Tesh is 62.
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July 9th is: Fashion Day, Fresh Air For Your Houseplants Day, Intern Appreciation Day, National Sugar Cookie Day and Rock Around The Clock Day.
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Quip for the day....(saw this on a t-shirt yesterday)......I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-stupid.
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Larryj
Today's---another funny one.........
A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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Today is Thursday, July 10, the 191st day of the year. There are 174 days left in the year.
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In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate and urged its ratification. However, the Senate rejected it.
In 1925, in Dayton, Tennessee, the so-called "Monkey Trial" began with John Thomas Scopes, a young high school science teacher, accused of teaching evolution in violation of Tennessee state law.
In 1929, American paper currency was reduced in size as the government began issuing bills that were approximately 25 percent smaller.
In 1941, Jelly Roll Morton, a native of New Orleans who became the first great jazz pianist, composer, arranger and band leader, died in Los Angeles.
In 1999, the U.S. women's soccer team won the World Cup at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.
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Today--------Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 93, Actor William Smithers is 87, Broadway composer Jerry Herman is 83, Director Ivan Passer is 81, Actor Robert Pine is 73, Actor Ron Glass is 69, Singer Arlo Guthrie is 67, Actress Phyllis Smith is 63, Actress Mindy Sterling is 61 and Singer Neil Tennant is 60.
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July 10th is: Don't Step On A Bee Day, Hot Dog Night, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.
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Quip for the day.......seen on a baby's bib...........SPIT HAPPENS!
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Larryj
Today's---------gotcha...
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!" "Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!"
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Today is Friday, July 11, the 192nd day of the year. There are 173 days left in the year.
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In 1656, Ann Austin and Mary Fisher, two English women, became the first Quakers to immigrate to the American colonies landing at Boston.
In 1804, in a duel held in Weehawken, New Jersey, Vice President Aaron Burr shot his long time political antagonist Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton died the next day.
In 1914, Babe Ruth made his Major League debut, pitching the Boston Red Sox to a 4-3 victory over Cleveland.
In 1922, the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles officially opened.
In 1937, American composer and pianist George Gershwin died at age 38.
In 1979, the abandoned U.S. space station Skylab made a spectacular return to Earth, burning up in the atmosphere and showering debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia.
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Today-----Actor David Kelly is 85, Actor Tab Hunter is 83, Fashion Designer Giorgio Armani is 80, Author Patricia Polacco is 70, Actor Bruce McGill is 64, Actress Mindy Sterling is 61 and Boxer Leon Spinks is 61.
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July 11th is: Bowdlers Day, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Chick-Fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Day Of The Five Billion, National Ranier Cherries Day, Slurpee Day or 7-11's Birthday and World Population Day.
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Quip for the day.....My wife is a shopaholic. Once she was sick for a week and five stores went out of business.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah........
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."
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Today is Saturday, July 12, the 193rd day of the year. There are 172 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Wild Bill Hickok began to establish his reputation as a gunfighter after he shot three men during a shootout in Nebraska.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill authorizing the Medal of Honor.
In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states.
In 1957, Dwight D. Eisenhower became the first President to ride in the newest in aviation technology; the helicopter.
In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced his choice of Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major-party ticket.
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Today----Movie director Monte Hellman is 85, Comedian Bill Cosby is 77, Singer-pianist Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 71, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 66, Author Joan Bauer is 63 and Actress Cheryl Ladd is 63.
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July 12th is: Bald Is In Day, Carver Day, Collector Car Appreciation Day, Grange Day, Simplicity Day and Wayne Chicken Day.
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Quip for the day.....Bumper sticker: My son is the INMATE OF THE MONTH at the county jail.
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Larryj
Today's----it's Sunday.....
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."
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Today is Sunday, July 13, the 194th day of the year. There are 171 days left in the year.
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In 1836, the first U.S. patent - for locomotive wheels - was registered.
In 1923, the Hollywood sign is officially dedicated in Los Angeles.
In 1939, Frank Sinatra made his recording debut.
In 1951, rivers across eastern Kansas crested well above flood stage, causing the greatest destruction from flooding in the Midwestern U.S. at that time.
In 1960, in Los Angeles, Sen. John F. Kennedy was nominated for the presidency by the Democratic party convention.
In 1985, "Live Aid" concert raised $70 million for African famine relief.
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Today-------Actor Patrick Stewart is 74, Actor Robert Forster is 73, Actor Harrison Ford is 72, Guitarist Roger McGuinn (The Byrds) is 72. Comedian Cheech Marin is 68, Actress Daphne Reid is 66, Astronaut George Nelson is 64, Actress Didi Conn is 63, Actor Gil Birmingham is 61, Basketball player David Thompson is 60, and Country singer Louise Mandrell is 60.
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July 13th is: Anne Hutchinson Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Workers Day and National French Fries Day.
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Quip for the day.........Remember to be very quiet in church......people are sleeping.
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Larryj
Today's-----groaner.......
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
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Today is Monday, July 14, the 195th day of the year. There are 170 days left in the year.
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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Fort Sumner in present-day New Mexico.
In 1882, John Ringo, the famous gun-toting gentleman, was found dead in Turkey Creek Canyon in Arizona.
In 1968, Atlanta Braves slugger Henry "Hank" Aaron hit his 500th home run of his career.
In 2003, Hurricane Claudette gathered strength over the Gulf of Mexico and headed for the Texas coast, making landfall the next day.
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Today-----Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 88, Actress Polly Bergen is 84, Football player Roosevelt Grier is 82, Actor Sid Haig is 75, Actor Vincent Pastore is 68 and Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 65.
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July 14th is: International Nude Day, International Town Criers Day and Shark Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day........The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
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Larryj
Today's-----this is one of my all time favorites....
A Loan for Kermit
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're going to love this)
(A masterpiece)
(Wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?) Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!
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Today is Tuesday, July 15, the 196th day of the year. There are 169 days left in the year.
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In 1806, Zebulon Pike and his men left Missouri and traveled through present-day Kansas and Nebraska before reaching Colorado where he spotted the mountain named in his honor.
In 1903, the newly formed Ford Motor Company took its first order from Chicago dentist Ernst Pfenning: A $850 two-cylinder Model A with a tonneau (backseat).
In 1964, Sen. Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona was nominated for president by the Republican national convention.
In 1979, President Jimmy Carter delivered his "malaise" speech in which he lamented what he called a "crisis of confidence" in America.
In 2010, after 85 days, BP stopped the flow of oil from a blown-out well in the Gulf of Mexico.
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Today----Author Clive Cussler is 83, Actor Michael Wayne is 75, Actor Jan Michael Vincent is 70, Singer Millie Jackson is 70, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 68, Wrestler Jesse Ventura is 63 and Actor Terry O'Quinn is 62.
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July 15th is: Be A Dork Day, Gummi Worm Day, National Pet Fire Safety Day and Saint Swithin's Day.
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Quip for the day.......The trouble with life is that it is a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
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Larryj
Today's-----blonde joke day.....
Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire.
Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."
Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."
The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, what happened to you?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."
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Today is Wednesday, July 16, the 197th day of the year. There are 168 days left in the year.
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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became known as Washington, D.C.
In 1935, the world's first parking meter, known as the Park-O-Meter, was installed on the southeast corner of what was then First Street and Robinson Avenue in Oklahoma City.
In 1945, the Manhattan Project came to an explosive end as the first atomic bomb was successfully tested near Alamogordo, New Mexico.
In 1951, the novel "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published by Little, Brown and Co.
In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister Lauren Bassette, died when their single engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.
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Today-----Model Bess Myerson is 90, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 80, Soul singer William Bell is 75, Coach Jimmy Johnson is 71, Actor-singer Reuben Blades is 66 and Drummer Stewart Copeland (The Police) is 62.
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July 16th is: Fresh Spinach Day, International Juggling Day, National Corn Fritters Day, National Hot Dog Day and Atomic Bomb Day.
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Quip for the day...........I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen.
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Larryj
Today's---------yep.....
USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS....
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
(And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
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Today is Thursday, July 17, the 198th day of the year. There are 167 days left in the year.
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In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.
In 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York saying he was headed for California; He ended up in Ireland, supposedly by accident, earning the nickname "Wrong Way Corrigan."
In 1941, New York Yankees center fielder Joe DiMaggio failed to get a hit against the Cleveland Indians which brought his historic 56-game hitting streak to an end.
In 1944, an ammunition ship exploded while being loaded in Port Chicago, California, killing 232 people.
In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, California.
In 1975, an Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower link-up of its kind.
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Today-----Actress Mimi Hines is 81, Actor Donald Sutherland is 79, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 79, Comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor is 74, Rock Musician Spencer Davis (The Spencer Davis Group) is 72, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is 67, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler (Black Sabbath) is 65, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 63 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 62.
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July 17th is: Get To Know Your Customers Day, Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.
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Quip for the day......Our house is child proof........but they still get in.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.....
The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.
They were being very affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other's ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, or kiss each other. There was also a lot of giggling going on.
The young man said to his girlfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
She said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball."
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Today is Friday, July 18, the 199th day of the year. There are 166 days left in the year.
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In 1792, the Revolutionary War naval hero John Paul Jones died in his Paris apartment where he was still waiting a commission as the U.S. Consul to Algiers.
In 1940, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who first took office in 1933, was nominated for an unprecedented third term.
In 1947. President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the Speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the Vice President.
In 1969, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., left a party on Chappaquiddick Island with Mary Jo Kepechne, 28; Kennedy's car went off a bridge into the water. Kepechne drowned.
In 1999, New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in major league history and 14th in the modern era with a no-hit, no-walk victory over the Montreal Expos.
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Today----Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 93, Figure skater Dick Button is 85, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 76, Actor James Brolin is 74, Singer Martha Reeves is 73 and Singer-songwriter Ricky Skaggs is 60.
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July 18th is: International Nelson Mandela Day, National Caviar Day, Anti-bigot Day, Chrysanthemum Day, Ride A Motorcycle To Work Day and Sidewalk Frying Day.
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Quip for the day........Great minds think like ME!
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Larryj
Today's------grossly funny.......
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his arm to the left every few seconds, accidentally hitting Fred over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves, so he asks "What the heck is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "I got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."
Fred moves again.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
The reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."
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Today is Saturday, July 19, the 200th day of the year. There are 165 days left in the year.
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In 1814, Samuel Colt, inventor of the Colt revolver, was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
In 1848, a pioneer woman's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls in New York.
In 1879, Doc Holliday committed his first murder, killing a man for shooting up his New Mexico saloon.
In 1884, President Chester Arthur issued a proclamation that granted him and the federal government the power to quarantine persons entering the U.S. to avoid the spread of "pestilence". Although "pestilence" was not defined in the document it was meant to avoid tuberculosis.
In 1961, TWA became the first airline to show regular in-flight movies. First up: "By Love Possessed" in first-class on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.
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Today----Actress Helen Gallagher is 88, Singer Vicki Carr is 73, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 70, Tennis player Ilie Nastase is 68 and Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 67.
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July 19th is: Celebration Of The Horse Day, Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day and Woodie Wagon Day.
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Quip for the day......A real man's shop has only two tools: WD40 to make it go and duct tape to make it stop.
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Larryj
Today's---one of my old favorites......
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
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Today is Sunday, July 20, the 201st day of the year. There are 164 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, Virginia.
In 1881, five years after Gen. George A. Custer's infamous defeat at the Battle of Little Big Horn, Sioux leader Sitting Bull surrendered to the U.S. Army.
In 1948, President Harry S. Truman instituted a military draft with a proclamation calling for nearly 10 million men to register for military service.
In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the lunar surface in their Apollo 11 lunar module.
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Today-----Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 84, Author Cormac McCarthy is 81, Actress Diana Rigg is 76, Singer Kim Carnes is 69, Guitarist Carlos Santana is 67, Football player James Harris is 67, Actor Muse Watson is 66 and Producer John Davis is 60.
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Note here: One of my favorite all time actors James Garner passed away yesterday.
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July 20th is: Lake Superior Day, Moon Day, Space Exploration Day, National Lollipop Day, National Ice Cream Day and World Jump Day.
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Quip for the day......Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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Larryj
Today's----cute.......
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
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Today is Monday, July 21, the 202nd day of the year. There are 163 days left in the year.
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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, Virginia, resulting in a Confederate victory.
In 1865, in what may be the first true western showdown, Wild Bill Hickok shot Dave Tutt dead in the market square of Springfield, Missouri.
In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tennessee, with John T. Scopes found guilty of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution.
In 1959. Elijah Jerry "Pumpsie" Green made his Boston Red Sox debut, becoming the first African-American ever to play for the Red Sox, the last team in the major leagues to integrate.
In 1999, Navy divers found and recovered the bodies of John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette, in the wreckage of Kennedy's plane in the Atlantic Ocean off Martha's Vineyard.
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Today-------Singer Kay Starr is 92, Movie director Norman Jewison is 88, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 76, Actor Edward Herrmann is 71, Singer Cat Stevens is 66, Actor Jordan Clarke is 64, Comedian-actor Robin Williams is 63, Singer Jeff Fatt 61 and Guitarist Eric Bazilian (The Hooters) is 61.
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July 21st is: Global Hug Your Kid Day, Legal Drinking Age Day, National Get Out Off The Doghouse Day and No Pet Store Puppies Day.
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Quip for the day.......Life is short.......smile while you still have teeth.
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Larryj
Today's------another favorite...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
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Today is Tuesday, July 22, the 203rd day of the year. There are 162 days left in the year.
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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.
In 1916, a bomb went off during a Preparedness Day parade in San Francisco killing 10 people.
In 1923, John Herbert Dillinger joined the Navy in order to avoid charges of auto theft in Indiana.
In 1933, American aviator Wiley Post returned to Floyd Bennet field in New York, having flown solo around the world. He was the first aviator to accomplish the feat.
In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.
In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.
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Today---Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 91, Actor Orson Bean is 86, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 82, Actress Louise Fletcher is 80, Actor Terrence Stamp is 76, Game show host Alex Trevek is 74, Singer George Clinton is 73, Singer Bobby Sherman is 71, Actor Danny Glover is 68, Actress Erica Gavin is 67, Actor-Director Albert Brooks is 67, Singer Don Henley (The Eagles) is 67, Author S.E. Hinton is 66 and Composer Alan Menken is 65
___________________________________________
July 22nd is: Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Rat-catchers Day and Spooners (Spoonerism) Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----and another......
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
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Today is Wednesday, July 23, the 204th day of the year. There are 161 days left in the year.
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In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at age 63.
In 1914, Austria-Hungary presented a list of demands to Serbia following the killing of Archduke Franz Ferdinand by a Serb assassin; Serbia's refusal to agree to the entire ultimatum led to World War I.
In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.
In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors were killed in an accident involving a helicopter during the filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie.
In 1984, Vanessa Williams became the first Miss America to resign her title.
___________________________________________
Today-----Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 78, Radio personality Don Imus is 74, Singer David Essex is 67 and Actress Edie McClurg is 63.
___________________________________________
July 23rd is: Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For Ya Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----fitting for the day.........
One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul, I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?".
God said, "The bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City."
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Today is Thursday, July 24, the 205th day of the year. There are 160 days left in the year.
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In 1832, Benjamin Bonneville, an inept fur trade who some speculate may have actually been a spy, led the first wagon train across the Rocky Mountains at Wyoming's South Pass.
In 1847, Brigham Young led 148 Mormon pioneers into Utah's Valley of the Great Salt Lake.
In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.
In 1915, the steamer Eastland overturned in the Chicago River, drowning between 800-850 of its passengers who were headed to a picnic.
In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.
___________________________________________
Today----Actor John Anniston is 81, Actress Ruth Buzzi is 78, Actor Chris Sarandon is 72, Comedian Gallagher is 68, Actor Robert Hays is 67, Actor Michael Richards is 65 and Actress Lynda Carter is 63.
___________________________________________
July 24th is: Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.
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Quip for the day.......The easiest way to determine the cost of living: Take your income and add ten percent.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------another favorite....
Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?
He said, "I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day."
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said, "What the heck is that noise?"
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Today is Friday, July 25, the 206th day of the year. There are 159 days left in the year.
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In 1832, the first recorded railroad accident occurred when four people were thrown off a vacant car on the Granite Railway near Quincy, Massachusetts.
In 1861, the U.S. Congress passed the Crittenden-Johnson Resolution declaring that the war was being waged for the reunion of the states and not to interfere with the institutions of the South, namely slavery.
In 1917, in Paris, France, the exotic dancer Mata Hari was sentenced to death by a French court for spying on Germany's behalf during World War I.
In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, North Carolina, that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.
In 1978, Louise Joy Brown, the first "test tube baby," was born in Oldham, England; she'd been conceived through the technique of in-vitro fertilization.
___________________________________________
Today----Actress Barbara Harris is 79, Coach John Robinson is 79, Basketball player Nate Thurmond is 73, Rock musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 71 and Singer Rita Marley is 68.
___________________________________________
July 25th is: Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day, Thread The Needle Day, Lumberjack Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day, System Administrator Appreciation Day and Video Games Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------hah.......
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
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Today is Saturday, July 26, the 207th day of the year. There are 158 days left in the year.
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In 1775, The U.S. Postal Service was established with Benjamin Franklin becoming the first post-master general.
In 1878, attempting to preserve the peace in Dodge City, assistant marshal Wyatt Earp traded shots with a band of drunken cowboys fatally wounding one of them.
In 1908, the Federal Bureau of Investigation was created.
In 1931, a swarm of grasshoppers descended on crops throughout Iowa, Nebraska and South Dakota, devastating millions of acres.
In 1989, Mark Wellman, a 29-year-old paraplegic, reached the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park after hauling himself up the granite cliff six inches at a time over a period of nine days.
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Today-----Football player Bob Lilly is 75, Singer Brenton Wood is 73, Rock star Mick Jagger is 71, Actress Helen Mirren is 69, Astronaut William Shepherd is 65, Drummer Roger Meadows Taylor (Queen) is 65 and Actress Susan George is 64.
___________________________________________
July 26th is: One Voice, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy and Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........Laugh with people, not at them.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------hah.....
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No, sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
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Today is Sunday, July 27, the 208th day of the year. There are 157 days left in the year.
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In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.
In 1967, President Lyndon B. Johnson appointed the Kerner Commission to assess the causes of urban rioting; the same day black militant H.Rap Brown said in Washington that violence was "as American as cherry pie."
In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee recommended that America's 37th president Richard M. Nixon be impeached and removed from office.
In 1996, terror struck the Atlanta Olympics as a pipe bomb exploded at Centennial Olympic Park, directly killing one person and injuring 111.
In 2003, legendary actor-comedian Bob Hope died at age 100 in Toluca Lake, California.
___________________________________________
Today-----TV producer Norman Lear is 92, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 83, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 75, Actor John Pleshette is 72, Singer Bobbie Gentry is 70, Director Betty Thomas is 66, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 66, Singer Maureen McGovern is 65 and Actress Roxanne Hart is 62.
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July 27th is: Aunties Day, Barbie-in-a-blender Day, National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Parents' Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.
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Quip for the day......There are three way to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it for you or forbid your kids to do it.
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Larryj
Today's-------a quickie......
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.
The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."
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Today is Monday, July 28, the 209th day of the year. There are 156 days left in the year.
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In 1868, following its ratification by the necessary three-quarters of the states, the 14th Amendment, guaranteeing to African-Americans citizenship and all its privileges, was officially adopted into the U.S. Constitution.
In 1932, federal troops forcibly dispersed the so-called "Bonus Army" of World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, D.C., to demand payments they weren't scheduled to receive until 1945.
In 1945, a United States military plane crashed into the Empire State Building during a heavy fog killing 14 people.
In 1945, the U.S. Senate ratified the United Nations Charter by a vote of 89-2.
In 1984, the Los Angeles Summer Olympics opened.
In 1991, Dennis Martinez of the Montreal Expos pitched a perfect game in a 2-0 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers.
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Today-----Movie director Andrew V. McLaglen is 94, Actor Darryl Hickman is 83, Actor Phil Proctor is 74, Actor Peter Cullen is 73, Baseball player Bill Bradley is 71, Cartoonist Jim Davis is 69, Actress Sally Struthers is 67, Drummer Simon Kirke is 65 and Baseball player Vida Blue is 65.
___________________________________________
July 28th is: Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day and World Hepatitis Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......Every morning when I get up I read the "Richest People In America" list. If I'm not on it, I go to work.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Today is Tuesday, July 29, the 210th day of the year. There are 155 days left in the year.
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In 1909, the newly formed General Motors Corporation acquired the Cadillac Automobile Company for $4.5 million.
In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act, creating NASA.
In 1967, The Doors scored their first #hit with "Light My Fire."
In 1981, Britain's Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer at St. Paul's Cathedral in London. (However, they divorced in 1996.)
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Today-------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 100, Actor Robert Horton is 90, Actor Robert Fuller is 81, Actor David Warner is 73, Author Sharon Creech is 69, Actor Mike Starr is 64, Documentary maker Ken Burns is 61, Singer Geddy Lee (Rush) is 61, TV show host Tim Gunn is 61 and Singer Patti Scialfa (E Street Band) is 61.
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July 29th is: Lasagna Day, National Chicken Wing Day, Rain Day and Larryj's 40th wedding anniversary.
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Quip for the day.......A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
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Larryj
Larry... Happy 40th Anniversary(http://cdn.lolhappens.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Themoreyouknow.png)
(http://www.vitamins-and-health-facts.com/images/did-you-know.png)
Thanks, old buddy....
Today's------groaner.....
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.
Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
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Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of the year. There are 154 days left in the year.
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In 1932, the Summer Olympics opened in Los Angeles.
In 1953, the Small Business Association was founded.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure making "In God We Trust" the national motto, replacing "E Pluribus Unum" ("Out Of Many, One.")
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.
In 1966, the Troggs took their signature hit, "Wild Thing", to #1.
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Today-----Actor Richard Johnson is 87, Actor Edd Kookie Byrnes is 81, Guitarist Buddy Guy is 78, Singer Paul Anka is 73, Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger is 67, Actor Jean Reno is 66 and Actor Frank Stallone is 64.
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July 30th is: Cheesecake Day, Father-in-law Day, Friendship Day, Health Care Now! Medicare's Birthday, International Day Of Friendship, National Support Public Education Day and Paperback Book Day.
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Quip for the day......Over the hill is better than under it.
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Larryj
Today's----funny......
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of the year. There are 153 days left in the year.
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In 1875, former President Andrew Johnson, who became president when Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, died of a stroke at his daughter's home in Tennessee.
In 1964, the space probe Ranger reached the moon.
In 1973, Delta Airlines Flight 723, a DC-9, crashed while trying to land at Boston's Logan Airport, killing all 89 people on board.
In 1975, James Riddle (Jimmy) Hoffa disappeared in Detroit, Michigan, never to be heard from again.
In 1991, President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actor Don Murray is 85, Jazz composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 83, Actress Susan Flannery is 75, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 70, Singer Gary Lewis is 69, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 63, Composer Michael Wolff is 62, Actor Alan Autry is 62 and Actor James Read is 61.
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July 31st is: Bratwurst Day (7/31-8/2), National Chili Hot Dog Day, Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day and World Ranger Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......My wife, single-handedly, tries to save the economy every time she goes shopping.
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Larryj
Today's-----old groaner.......
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a 'funeral director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained.........
(are you ready?{
'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
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Today is Friday, August 1, the 213th day of the year. There are 152 days left in the year.
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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.
In 1913, the Joyce Kilmer poem "Trees" was first published in "Poetry: A Magazine Of Verse."
In 1936, the Olympics opened in Berlin.
In 1953, "Shane," considered by many critics to be the greatest western movie, was released by Paramount Pictures.
In 1981, MTV went on the air for the first time.
In 2007, the eight-lane Interstate 35W bridge, a major Minneapolis artery, collapsed into the Mississippi River during evening rush hour, killing 13 people.
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Today----Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 84, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 83, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 72, Actress Laila Morse is 69 and Singer Robert Cray is 61.
___________________________________________
August 1st is: Braham Pie Day, Girlfriend's Day, India Pale Ale Beer Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect For Parents, Rounds Resounding Day, Spider-Man Day, U.S. Air Force Day, Tomboy Tools Day, Twins Day (1-3), World Lung Cancer Day, World Wide Web Day, World Scout Scarf Day and International Beer Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....We got rid of the kids...................the cat was allergic.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.......
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
___________________________________________
Today is Saturday, August 2, the 214th day of the year. There are 151 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.
In 1873, inventor Andrew S. Halidie successfully tested a cable car he had designed for the city of San Francisco.
In 1876, "Wild Bill" Hickok was murdered in a saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota.
In 1943, during World War II, U.S. Navy boat PT-109, commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, sank after being rammed in the middle of the night by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri off the Solomon Islands. Two crew members were killed.
___________________________________________
Today----Movie director Wes Craven is 75, Author Isabelle Allende is 72, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 71, Actor Max Wright is 71, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 69, Actress Kathryn Harrold is 64 and Actor Butch Patrick is 61.
___________________________________________
August 2nd is: International Hangover Day, Mead Day, National Mustard Day and Take A Penny/Leave A Penny Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........I was going to make you a rum cake, but now it's just a cake and I'm drunk.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie.......
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge.
They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
___________________________________________
Today is Sunday, August 3, the 215th day of the year. There are 150 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1863, the first thoroughbred horse races were held at the Saratoga Race Course in Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
In 1936, Jesse Owens got the first of his four U.S. gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he won the 100-meter sprint.
In 1949, after a damaging three-year battle to win both players and fans, the rival Basketball Association of America and the National Basketball League merged to form the National Basketball Association.
In 1958, the U.S. nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplished the first under sea voyage to the geographic North Pole.
In 1996, "Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)" reached the #1 spot on the Billboard pop chart.
___________________________________________
Today......Author P.D. James is 94, Singer Tony Bennett is 88, Talk show host Terry Wogan is 76, Actor Martin Sheen is 74, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 73, Singer Beverly Lee (The Shirelles) is 73, Director John Landis is 64, Actor Jay North is 63 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 63.
___________________________________________
August 3rd is: National Doll Day, National Kids Day, Sister's Day and Watermelon Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day...If you are not the lead dog....the scenery never changes.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----oh no.......
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.
But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
___________________________________________
Today is Monday, August 4, the 216th day of the year. There are 149 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1735, a jury found John Peter Zenger of the New York Weekly Journal not guilty of committing seditious libel against the colonial governor of New York, William Cosby.
In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.
In 1936, American Olympian Jesse Owens won his second gold medal in the long jump at the Summer Olympics in Berlin.
In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam. Anne and her sister, Margot, died the following year at the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.
___________________________________________
Today------Singer Kishore Kumar is 85, Comedian Paul Mooney is 73, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 70, Artist Paul McCarthy is 69, Coach Roy Hodgson is 67 and Football player John Riggins is 65.
___________________________________________
August 4th is: Coast Guard Day, National Psychic Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, Single Working Women's Day, Social Security Day and Assistance Dog Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Today has been canceled. Go back to bed.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------hah.....
When I got to work Monday, I was limping somewhat noticeably. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."
I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on the New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..."
___________________________________________
Today is Tuesday, August 5, the 217th day of the year. There are 148 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.
In 1914, the world's first electric traffic signal was put in place on the corner of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street in Cleveland, Ohio.
In 1957, Dick Clark's "American Bandstand" began broadcasting nationally.
In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from "acute barbiturate poisoning."
In 1962, South African anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela was arrested; it was the beginning of 27 years of imprisonment.
___________________________________________
Today-------Actor John Saxon is 79, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 74, Actress Loni Anderson is 69, Actress Erika Slezak is 68, Rock singer Rick Derringer is 67, Actress Holly Palance is 64 and Actress Chip Fields is 63.
___________________________________________
August 5th is: National Night Out, National Oyster Day and National Underwear Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----ouch..........
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
___________________________________________
Today is Wednesday, August 6, the 218th day of the year. There are 147 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1862, the Confederate Ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River to prevent capture by the Union.
In 1926, Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel.
In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in an estimated 140,000 deaths.
In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actress Barbara Windsor is 77, Actor-director Peter Bonnerz is 76, Actress Louise Sorel is 74, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 71, Guitarist Alan Holdsworth is 68, Actress Catherine Hicks is 63 and Guitarist Vinnie Vincent (KISS) is 62,
___________________________________________
August 6th is: Hiroshima Day, National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day and National Root Beer Float Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.......I always keep a well-balanced diet.......a cookie in each hand.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------so true.....
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TROUBLE WHEN......
Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, August 7, the 219th day of the year. There are 146 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.
In 1789, the U.S. War Department was established by Congress.
In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.
In 1942, the U.S. 1st Marine Division began landing at Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands.
In 1959, the U.S. launched the Explorer 6 satellite.
___________________________________________
Today------Magician-author-lecturer James Randi is 86, Actress Verna Bloom is 75, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 72, Actor Tobin Bell is 72, Country singer B.J. Thomas is 72, Actor John Glover is 70, Country singer Rodney Crowell is 64 and Actress Caroline Aaron is 62.
___________________________________________
August 7th is: Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day and Purple Heart Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------so true......
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have a nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
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Today is Friday, August 8, the 220th day of the year. There are 145 days left in the year.
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In 1814, during the War of 1812, peace talks between the United States and Britain began in Ghent, Belgium.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced his resignation, effective the next day, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal.
In 1978, the U.S. launched Pioneer Venus 2.
In 1988, the Chicago Cubs hosted the first night game in the history of Wrigley Field.
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Today---Actor Richard Anderson is 88, Country singer-songwriter Mel Tillis is 82, Producer Donald P. Bellisario is 79, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 77, Actress Connie Stevens is 76, Comedian Willie P. Richardson is 67, Actor Keith Carradine is 65 and Actor Danny Most is 61.
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August 8th is: International Cat Day, Kool-Aid Day, The Date To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day, Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night and Worldwide Art Day.
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Quip for the day......Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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Larryj
Today's------words of wisdom.......
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
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Today is Saturday, August 9, the 221st day of the year. There are 144 days left in the year.
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In 1854, Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" was first published.
In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order nationalizing silver.
In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, Japan, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki.
In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's home in Los Angeles.
In 1974, minutes after the official resignation of President Richard M. Nixon, Vice President Gerald R. Ford was sworn in as the 38th President of the United States.
In 1976, Hurricane Belle turned toward the United States from the Bahamas. By the time the storm had run its course, it killed 12 people and caused $24 million in damages from North Carolina to Vermont.
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Today----Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 86, Actress Cynthia Harris is 80, Actor Sam Elliott is 70, Journalist John Simpson is 70 and Singer Barbara Mason is 67.
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August 9th is: International Day Of The World's Indigenous People, Veep Day, National Garage Sale Day and National Bowling Day.
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Quip for the day....the definition of job placement is telling you boss what he can do with your job.
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Larryj
Today's----I always liked this one.......
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Today is Sunday, August 10, the 222nd day of the year. There are 143 days left in the year.
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In 1821, Missouri entered the Union as the 24th State and was the first located entirely west of the Mississippi River.
In 1846, President James K. Polk approved creation of the Smithsonian Institution.
In 1921, Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home at Campobello.
In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.
In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by Charles Mansion's cult members, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.
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Today------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 91, Baseball player Rocky Colavito is 81, Actress Lynn Cohen is 81, Fashion designer Betsey Johnson is 72, Singer Ronnie Spector is 71, Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 67, Singer Patti Austin is 64, Actor Hugh Kelly is 62 and Artist Schim Schimmel is 60.
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August 10th is: National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.
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Quip for the day.....Some day my ship will come in and with my luck I'll be at the airport.
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Larryj
Today's-----oh no........
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Today is Monday, August 11, the 223rd day of the year. There are 142 days left in the year.
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In 1856, a hurricane hit the Louisiana coast, killing more than 400 people. Isle Demiere, a resort community, was totally submerged by the storm surges.
In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay.
In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the Watts area of Los Angeles.
In 1973, "American Graffiti" was released to theaters across the U.S.
In 1975, the U.S. vetoed the proposed admission of North and South Vietnam to the United Nations, following the Security Council's refusal to consider South Korea's application.
In 1994, the longest work stoppage in Major League Baseball history began. Because of the strike, the 1994 World Series was cancelled.
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Today---Actress Arlene Dahl is 89, Actor Ian McDiarmid is 70, Country singer John Conlee is 68, Singer Eric Carmen (The Raspberries) is 65, Wrestler-actor Hulk Hogan is 61 and Singer Joe Jackson is 60.
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August 11th is: Ingersoll Day and Presidential Joke Day.
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Quip for the day.......Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
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Larryj
Today's------oldie.........
Two gentlemen are sitting on the veranda of the nursing home. The first says, "Today is my 85th birthday. The second one says, "To what do you attribute such a long life?"
The first one says, "I've led a clean life. I was married to the same woman for sixty years. I never had a drink of alcohol and never smoked tobacco."
Then he says, "How about you?"
The second says, "Well, I never married, but I was with many different women. I drank a fifth of whiskey every day and I smoked three packs of cigarettes every day."
The first guy is amazed at all this and asks, "Wow! How old are you?"
The second guy says, "24."
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Today is Tuesday, August 12, the 224th day of the year. There are 141 days left in the year.
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In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.
In 1939, the classic MGM movie musical "The Wizard Of Oz," starring Judy Garland, had its world premiere at the Strand Theater in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.
In 1953, the Soviet Union conducted a secret test of its first hydrogen bomb.
In 1960, the first balloon communications satellite - the Echo 1 - was launched by the United States.
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Today------Actor George Hamilton is 75, Larryj is 71, Guitarist Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 65, Actor Jim Beaver is 64, Actor Sam L. Jones is 60 and Guitarist Pat Metheny is 60.
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August 12th is: IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Middle Child Day, Sewing Machine Day, Vinyl Record Day and World Elephant Day.
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Quip for the day.....Another year older, none the wiser.
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Larryj
Today's------another "oldie" joke.....
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
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Today is Wednesday, August 13, the 225th day of the year. There are 140 days left in the year.
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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.
In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London.
In 1952, "Hound Dog," a song made famous by Elvis Presley in 1956, was first recorded by Ellie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton in Los Angeles.
In 1961, East Germany sealed off the border between Berlin's eastern and western sectors and began building a wall that would stand for the next 28 years.
In 1995, former New York Yankees star Mickey Mantle died of liver cancer at age 63.
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Today-----Actor Pat Harrington is 85, Actor Kevin Tighe is 70, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 67, High wire aerialist Philippe Petit is 65 and Hockey player Bobby Clarke is 65
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August 13th is: International Left-handers Day.
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Quip for the day.......Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
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Larryj
Today's-------cute one.....
A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.
He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
He said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my boogie?
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Today is Thursday, August 14, the 226th day of the year. There are 139 days left in the year.
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In 1909, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway held its first event, a series of motorcycle races.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Japan had surrendered unconditionally, ending World War II.
In 1971, St. Louis Cardinals ace Bob Gibson threw his first no-hitter in an 11-0 victory over the Pittsburg Pirates.
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Today-------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Russell Baker is 89, Guitarist David Crosby (Crosby, Stills and Nash) is 73, Country singer Connie Smith is 73, Author Lynne Cheney is 73, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 69, Actress Susan Saint-James is 68, Actor Antonio Fargas is 68, Author Danielle Steel is 67, "Far Side" Cartoonist Gary Larson is 64 and Composer James Horner is 61.
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August 14th is: National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.
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Quip for the day......Whenever I have a problem I ask myself, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
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Larryj
Today's----hah..........
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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Today is Friday, August 15, the 227th day of the year. There are 138 days left in the year.
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In 1859, Charles Albert Commiskey, namesake of Chicago's Commiskey Park, was born in Chicago. He went on to become the first and only player to later own a team.
In 1914, the Panama Canal officially opened as the SS Ancon crossed the just-completed waterway between the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.
In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.
In 1983, Hurricane Alicia formed south of Louisiana in the Gulf of Mexico, slamming into the Texas Gulf Coast three days later.
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Today------Actress Rose Marie is 91, Actor Mike Connors is 89, Actress Pat Priest is 78, Musician Pete York is 72, Actress Phyllis Smith is 65, Actress Tess Harper is 64 and Singer Bobby Caldwell is 63.
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August 15th is: Best Friends Day, Check The Chip Day, Men's Grooming Day and National Relaxation Day.
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Quip for the day.....I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of the body is telling me that?"
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Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see a Broadway show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
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Today is Saturday, August 16, the 228th day of the year. There are 137 days left in the year.
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In 1812, Detroit fell to British and Indian forces during the War of 1812.
In 1920, Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman was struck in the temple by a ball pitched by Carl Mays of the New York Yankees. He died 12 hours later. This was the first and only death to occur as a result of a pitched ball in Major League history.
In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York. He was 53.
In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published.
In 1962, the Beatles fired their drummer, Pete Best, replacing him with Ringo Starr.
In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Tennessee at age 42.
In 1987, a plane crash at Detroit Metropolitan Airport killed 156 people. A four-year-old girl was the sole survivor of the accident which was caused by pilot error.
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Today----Actress Ann Blyth is 86, Former football player Frank Gifford is 81, Actor Gary Clarke is 81, Actress Julie Newmar is 81, Actress Anita Gillette is 78, Actress Carole Shelley is 75, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 68, Actor Philip Graham Scott is 62, Actor Reginald Veljohnson is 62, TV personality Kathy Lee Gifford is 61 and Movie director James Cameron is 60.
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August 16th is: Joe Miller's Joke Day, National Airborne Day, International Geocaching Day, International Homeless Animals Day and World Honey Bee Day.
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Quip for the day.....Any tool dropped while working on your car will roll to the exact center underneath.
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Larryj
Today's---golden oldie........
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
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Today is Sunday, August 17, the 229th day of the year. There are 136 days left in the year.
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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat began heading up the Hudson River on its successful round trip between New York and Albany.
In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War, but the Confederates held on despite several days of bombardments.
In 1877, teenager Billy the Kid shot and wounded an Arizona blacksmith who died the next day. He was the famous outlaw's first victim.
In 1969, Hurricane Camille slammed into the Mississippi coast as a Category 5 storm that was blamed for 256 deaths.
In 1969, the grooviest event in music history, the Woodstock Music Festival, drew to a close after three days of peace, love and Rock 'n' Roll.
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Today----Actress Maureen O'Hara is 94, Former Major League Baseball player John "Boog" Powell is 73, Actor Robert De Niro is 71, Actress Jennifer Rhodes is 67, Actor Robert Joy is 63 and Race car driver Nelson Piquet is 62.
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August 17th is: Black Cat Appreciation Day, Meaning of "Is" Day and National Thrift Shop Day.
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Quip for the day.........Family is like fudge.......mostly sweet with a few nuts.
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Larryj
Today's------oops.......
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3×3?" Johnny: "9?
Principal: "What is 6×6?" Johnny: "36?
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs". Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,"pockets".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."
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Today is Monday, August 18, the 230th day of the year. There are 135 days left in the year.
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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born in present-day America, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.
In 1590, John White, the governor of Roanoke Island, returned from a supply tip to England to find the settlement deserted.
In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson issued his Proclamation of Neutrality, aimed at keeping the United States out of World War I.
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, guaranteeing all American women the right to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.
In 1992, celebrated Boston Celtics forward Larry Bird retired.
___________________________________________
Today-----Movie director Roman Polanski is 81, Olympian Rafer Johnson is 79, Actor-director Robert Redford is 78, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 71, Actor Joseph Marcell is 66 and Comedian Elayne Boosler
is 62.
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August 18th is: Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, Cupcake Day, Mail Order Catalog Day and Serendipity Day.
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Quip for the day.......Suburbia: A place where they tear out all of the trees and then name the streets after them.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.....
Pete and John had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
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Today is Tuesday, August 19, the 231st day of the year. There are 134 days left in the year.
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In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."
In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces landed at Benedict, Maryland, with the objective of capturing Washington, D.C.
In 1895, John Wesley Hardin, one of the bloodiest killers in the Old West, was murdered by an off duty policeman in a saloon in El Paso, Texas.
In 1960, in the USSR, captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment for his confessed espionage.
In 1964, the Beatles opened their first full-fledged U.S. tour.
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Today-----Drummer Ginger Baker (Cream, Blind Faith) is 75, Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson is 72, Singer Ian Gillian (Deep Purple) is 69, former President Bill Clinton is 68, Actor Gerald McRaney is 67, Actor Jim Carter is 66, Bassist John Deacon (Queen) is 63 and Actor Jonathan Frakes is 62.
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August 19th is: Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day and World Humanitarian Day.
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Quip for the day......."More hay, Trigger? No, thanks, Roy. I'm stuffed."
(if this doesn't make sense to you, I'll explain. A museum dedicated to Roy was opened in Victorville, CA, and a larger than life stuffed Trigger was put on display at the entrance.)
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----late, wife had an operation.....she's fine......
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
___________________________________________
Today is Wednesday, August 20, the 232nd day of the year. There are 133 days left in the year.
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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over.
In 1911, a dispatcher in the New York Times office sent the first telegram around the world via commercial service.
In 1920, seven men, including the legendary all-around athlete and football player Jim Thorpe, met to organize a professional football league in Canton, Ohio.
In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act, a nearly $1 billion anti-poverty measure.
In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages.
___________________________________________
Today------Writer-director-producer Walter Bernstein is 95, Boxing promoter Don King is 83, Actor Sylvester McCoy is 71, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 68, Actor Ray Wise is 67, Actor John Noble is 66, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 66, Basketball player Quinn Buckner is 60 and Actor Don Stark is 60.
___________________________________________
August 20th is: Earth Overshoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day and National Radio Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......I will get it done when I get it done.
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Larryj
Today's----hah....
Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."
___________________________________________
Today is Thursday, August 21, the 233rd day of the year. There are 132 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1858, the first of seven debates between Illinois senatorial contenders Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place.
In 1863, the vicious guerilla war in Missouri spilled over into Kansas and precipitated one of the most appalling acts of violence when 150 men were murdered in the abolitionist town of Lawrence in a raid by Southern partisans.
In 1883, the trial of outlaw Frank James, brother of Jesse James, opened in Gallatin, Missouri. It was held in the city opera house to accommodate the crowd of spectators. He was found not guilty.
In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.
___________________________________________
Today-----Former football player Pete Retzlaff is 83, Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 82, Playwright Mart Crowley is 79, Singer Kenny Rogers is 76, Actor Clarence Williams III is 75, Rock 'n' Roll musician James Burton is 75, Actress Loretta Devine is 65 and TV show host Harry Smith is 63.
___________________________________________
August 21st is: National Spumoni Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........I lit the candles on my birthday cake and a group of campers formed a circle and began singing "Kumbaya."
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-------yep.....
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay.
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, August 22, the 234th day of the year. There are 131 days left in the year.
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In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River.
In 1881, American humanitarians Clara Barton and Adolphus Solomons founded the American National Red Cross.
In 1950, officials of the United States Lawn Tennis Association accepted Althea Gibson into their annual championship at Forest Hills, New York, making her the first African-American to compete in a U.S. national tennis championship.
In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Vice President Richard M. Nixon were nominated for second terms in office by the Republican National Convention in San Francisco.
In 1989, Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers became the first pitcher in major league history to register 5,000 career strikeouts.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actress Honor Blackman is 89, Author Annie Prouix is 79, Baseball player Carl Yastrzemski is 75, Actress Valerie Harper is 75, Journalist Steve Kroft is 69, Writer-producer David Chase is 69 and Actress Cindy Williams is 67.
___________________________________________
August 22nd is: Be An Angel Day, Hug Your Boss Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day, Take Your Cat To the Vet Day and (World) daffodil Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
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Larryj
Today's--------smart.....
A man dies and goes to meet God. He asks God, "What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?" God takes him to a door and opens it. The man sees a table with a large pot of stew which smells wonderful and a bunch of people sitting at the table who looked skinny and scraggly. Each person has a long handled spoon.
God then takes the man to another door and opens it. Inside is a table with the same pot of stew which smells wonderful. There are a bunch of people sitting around the table with long handled spoons. However, these people are robust and healthy. Each one has a long handled spoon.
The man says, "I don't understand. What is the difference?"
God says, "In the first room, those people could reach the pot with the long handled spoons, but couldn't get the spoons to their mouths because of the length of the spoon. That's Hell. In the second room, those people could also reach the pot, but they learned to feed each other. That's Heaven."
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Today is Saturday, August 23, the 235th day of the year. There are 130 days left in the year.
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In 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declared their independence as the state of Franklin.
In 1814, First Lady Dolly Madison saved a portrait of George Washington from being looted by British troops during the War of 1812.
In 1902, pioneering cookbook author Fannie Farmer, who changed the way Americans prepare food by advocating the use of standardized measurements in recipes, opened Miss Farmer's School of Cookery in Boston.
In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.
In 1989, as punishment for betting on baseball, Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose accepted a settlement that included a life time ban from the game.
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Today----Actress Vera Miles is 84, Actress Barbara Eden is 83, Comedian Mark Russell is 82, Football player Sonny Jurgensen is 80, Actress Shelley Long is 65, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 65 and Actor-producer Mark Hudson is 63.
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August 23rd is: Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade And Its Abolition and Valentino Day.
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Quip for the day......Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah....
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."
"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
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Today is Sunday, August 24, the 236th day of the year. There are 129 days left in the year.
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In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other public buildings.
In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory.
In 1954, Congress passed the Communist Control Act in response to the growing anticommunist hysteria in the United States.
In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life in prison for the murder of John Lennon.
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Today-----Actor Kenny Baker is 80, Composer-musician Mason Williams is 76, Actress Anne Archer is 67, Author Paulo Coelho is 67, Astronaut Anna Lee Fisher is 65 and Author Orson Scott Card is 63.
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August 24th is: Go Topless Day, Knife Day, Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day, Wayzgoose Day, William Wilberforce Day and National Waffle Iron Day.
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Quip for the day......You are not drunk as long as you can hold on to a single blade of grass and not fall off the Earth.
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Larryj
Today's----it was funny the first time, too....
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!"
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Today is Monday, August 25, the 237th day of the year. There are 128 days left in the year.
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In 1718, French colonists arrived in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.
In 1916, the National Park Service was established.
In 1939, The Wizard Of Oz opened in theaters around the United States.
In 1944, during World War II, Allied forces liberated Paris after four years of Nazi occupation.
In 1985, New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden became the youngest 20-game winner in Major League history.
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Today------Game show host Monty Hall is 93, Actor Sean Connery is 84, TV personality Regis Philbin is 83, Actor Tom Skerritt is 81, Actor David Canary is 76, Baseball player Rollie Fingers is 68, Rock singer-actor Gene Simmons (KISS) is 65, Singer Rob Halford (Judas Priest) is 63 and Singer Elvis Costello is 60.
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August 25th is: Founders Day, Kiss And Make Up Day, National Second-hand Wardrobe Day and National Whiskey Sour Day.
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Quip for the day.......You must speak up to be heard, but sometimes you must shut up to be appreciated.
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Larryj
Today's------remember these?......
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday, "FENDER SKIRTS". That's a term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 60 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day – "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss – "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought – Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
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Today is Tuesday, August 26, the 238th day of the year. There are 127 days left in the year.
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In 1920, the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was formally adopted into the U.S. Constitution.
In 1939, thee first televised Major League Baseball game was broadcast on station W2XBS, the station that became WNBC-TV.
In 1948, the temperature hit 108 degrees Fahrenheit in New York City during a week-long heat wave that killed at least 33 people.
In 1968, at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, thousands of antiwar demonstrators took to Chicago's streets to protest the Vietnam War.
In 1974, Charles Lindbergh - the first man to fly nonstop across the Atlantic - died at his home in Hawaii at age 72.
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Today----Basketball player Tom Heinsohn is 80, Actress Francine York is 78, Drummer Jet Black (The Stranglers) is 76 and Songwriter Valerie Simpson is 68.
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August 26th is: National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.
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Quip for the day.....My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I bought a case of beer.
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Larryj
To add a small item:
In the fifties everyone had wall paper on their walls. People wanted to have painted walls but it was too expensive.
Today, everyone has painted walls because wall paper is too expensive.
Today's------oh no.......
The barn at John and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Today is Wednesday, August 27, the 239th day of the year. There are 126 days left in the year.
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In 1953, Roman Holiday, featuring Audrey Hepburn in her first starring role, premiered in New York City.
In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.
In 1964, the Walt Disney movie musical fantasy "Mary Poppins," starring Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke, premiered at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood.
In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead of an accidental overdose in his Sussex, England, home.
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Today---Actor Tommy Sands is 77, Singer Daryl Dragon (The Captain and Tennille) is 72, Actress Tuesday Weld is 71, Actor G.W. Bailey is 70, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 67, Actor Paul Reubens is 62, Actor Peter Stormare is 61 and Guitarist Alex Lifeson (Rush) is 61.
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August 27th is: The Duchess Who Wasn't Day and Tug-Of-War Day.
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Quip for the day.......Most accidents occur at home. I use this as an excuse to stay out late.
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(note: as to W. Gray's comment on wallpaper...when we first moved into this house my wife wanted wallpaper everywhere. My now ex-brother-in-law was an expert at this and taught me how to do it. I papered many rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms, many times before she decided that she would prefer painted walls. The only paper that exists now is in the kitchen and it is a six inch strip featuring apples around the top of the walls.)
Larryj
Today's-------funny......
There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.
A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down."
Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said, "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..."
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."
After they left, the pig approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's barbeque the pig!"
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Today is Thursday, August 28, the 240th day of the year. There are 125 days left in the year.
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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted from his uncle's home in Money, Mississippi, by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman; he was found brutally slain three days later.
In 1963, more than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1990, an F-5 tornado struck the Chicago area, killing 29 people.
in 1996, after four years of separation, Charles, Prince of Wales and heir to the throne, and his wife, Diana, were formally divorced.
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Today----Actor Sonny Shroyer is 79, Actor Ken Jenkins is 74, Actor David Soul is 71 and Singer Hugh Cornwell is 65.
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August 28th is: Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.
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Quip for the day...Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
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Larryj
Today's------hah...
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Today is Friday, August 29, the 241st day of the year. There are 124 days left in the year.
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In 1814, during the War of 1812, Alexandria, Virginia, formally surrendered to British military forces which occupied the city until September 3.
In 1944, 15,000 American troops of the 28th Infantry Division marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.
In 1982, Swedish-born and three-time Academy Award winner Ingrid Bergman died of cancer in London on her 67th birthday.
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana, bringing floods that devastated New Orleans. More than 1,800 people in the region died.
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Today----Director William Friedkin is 79, Actor Elliot Gould is 76, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 75 and TV personality Robin Leach is 73.
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August 29th is: According To Hoyle Day, National College Colors Day, Individual Rights Day, International Bat Night (29-31), International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs, Less Salt Day and National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.....It is easier to take something apart than to put it back together.
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Larryj
Today's------funny.......
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
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Today is Saturday, August 30, the 242nd day of the year. There are 123 days left in the year.
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In 1945, Gen. Douglas McArthur arrived in Japan to set up Allied occupation headquarters.
In 1963, the "Hot Line" communications link between Washington and Moscow went into operation.
In 1965, New York Mets Manager Casey Stengel announced his retirement ending his 56th year in professional baseball.
In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1984, the space shuttle Discovery was launched on its inaugural flight.
In 2003, movie actor Charles Bronson, best known for his tough guy roles, died in Los Angeles at age 81.
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Today---Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 75, Actor Ben Lewis Jones is 73, Olympian Jean Claude Killy is 71, Cartoonist R. Crumb is 71, Actress Peggy Lipton is 68, Comedian Lewis Black is 66, Actor Timothy Bottoms is 63, Basketball player Robert Parish is 61 and Actor David Paymer is 60.
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August 30th is: Bacon Day, International Whale Shark Day, National Holistic Pet Day, National Buffalo Chicken Wings Day (30-31), National Toasted Marshmallow Day, Franchise Appreciation Day and International Day Of The Victims Of Enforced Disappearances.
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Quip for the day...........Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
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Larryj
Today's------oldie but goodie.....
A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table, undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?"
St. Peter says: "Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says, "Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!"
Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says, "Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we've decided you don't need this operation at this time."
The lady hesitates and says, "Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped, could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?"
A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before St. Peter and she asks: "I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?"
St. Peter says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you, my dear!"
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Today is Sunday, August 31, the 243rd day of the year. There are 122 days left in the year.
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In 1886, an earthquake of magnitude 7.3 devastated Charleston, South Carolina. At least 60 people died.
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Neutrality Act, which he called an "Expression of the desire.....to avoid any action which might involve the United States in war."
In 1954, Hurricane Carol hit the northeast Atlantic area. Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts bore the brunt of the storm and about 70 deaths resulted.
In 1959, Brooklyn Dodger left-hander Sandy Koufax struck out 18 batters, setting a new National League record for most strikeouts in a single game.
In 1986, an Aeromexico jet and a private plane collided over Cerritos, California, killing 82 people. (Note: we were on our way to the beach and were going through the Cerritos area when this happened. We could see the smoke from the crash, but didn't know what happened until we got to my brother-in-law's house.)
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Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 79, Actor Jack Thompson is 74, Violinist Itzhak Periman is 69, Singer Van Morrison is 69, Actor Richard Gere is 65 and Actress Julie Brown is 60.
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August 31st is: International Overdose Awareness Day, Love Litigating Lawyers Day and Pony Express Day.
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Quip for the day.....If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
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Larryj
Today's-----and another oldie but goodie.......
Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to "God, USA," he decided to send it to the President of the United States.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: "Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95."
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Today is Monday, September 1, the 244th day of the year. There are 121 days of the year.
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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr was acquitted of plotting to annex parts of Louisiana and Spanish territory in Mexico to be used toward establishment of an independent republic.
In 1836, Narcissa Whitman arrived in Walla Walla, Washington, becoming one of the first Anglo women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains.
In 1914, the last passenger pigeon in captivity died at the Cincinnati Zoo.
In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
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Today-----Actor George Maharis is 86, Comedian Lily Tomlin is 75, Singer Claudette Rogers Robinson (The Miracles) is 72, Singer Barry Gibb is 68 and Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 64.
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September 1st is: Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, Great Bathtub Race, International Day Of Awareness For The Dolphins of Taiji, Labor Day, National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day, Save Japan's Dolphins Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.
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Quip for the day.........The phone in your house will always ring while you are outside fumbling for your keys.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.....
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up, too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry, hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
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Today is Tuesday, September 2, the 245th day of the year. There are 120 days left in the year.
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In 1789, the United States Treasury Department was established.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman's forces occupied Atlanta. (Note: I am currently reading a book on Sherman's life.)
In 1944, during World War II, Navy pilot Lt. George Herbert Walker Bush was shot down by Japanese forces as he completed a bombing run. (Bush was rescued; his two crew members, however, died.)
In 1945, aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japan formally surrendered to the Allies, bringing an end to World War II.
In 1959, Henry Ford II introduced his company's newest car - the 90-horsepower, 30 miles-per-gallon Falcon. (Note: I owned two of them, a 1962 and a 1964......great cars.)
In 1969, America's first Automatic Teller Machine (ATM) made it's public debut, dispensing cash to customers at Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York.
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Today------Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 66, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 66, Baseball player Lamar Johnson is 64, TV personality-lawyer Harvey Levin is 64, Actor Mark Harmon is 63 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Jimmy Connors is 62.
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September 2nd is: Another Look Unlimited Day, Bison-ten Yell Day and V-J Day.
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Quip for the day.....She walked to the altar so many times, the church sent her a bill for carpet cleaning.
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Larryj
Today's-----one of my favorites.......
A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a cockroach to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the cockroach. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. The cockroach, safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick cockroach. On cue, it started moon-walking. "What about this cockroach, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the cockroach with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are everywhere."
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Today is Wednesday, September 3, the 246th day of the year. There are 119 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the American flag was flown in battle for the first time during a Revolutionary War skirmish at Cooch's Bridge, Delaware.
In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.
In 1868, the Japanese city of Edo was renamed Tokyo.
In 1939, Britain, France, Australia and New Zealand declared war on Germany.
In 1966, the television series "The Adventures Of Ozzie And Harriet" ended after 14 years.
In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.
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Today-----"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 91, Actress Irene Papas is 88, Actress Anne Jackson is 88, Guitarist Al Jardine (The Beach Boys) is 72, Actress Valerie Perrine is 71, Drummer Don Brewer (Grand Funk Railroad) is 66 and Author Kate White is 63.
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September 3rd is: Skyscraper Day and National Welsh Rarebit Day.
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Quip for the day.......Remember the tea kettle: Though up to neck in hot water it continues to whistle.
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Larryj
Today's-------groaner.......
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded.
(wait for it)
(are you ready?)
"The Czech is in the male."
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Today is Thursday, September 4, the 247th day of the year. There are 118 days left in the year.
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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Gov. Felipe de Neve.
In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyethlay, "One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles in Arizona.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman's opening speech before a conference in San Francisco was broadcast across the nation, marking the first time a television program was broadcast coast to coast.
In 1957, Arkansas Gov. Orval Faubus used Arkansas National Guardsmen to prevent nine black students from entering all-white Central High School in Little Rock.
In 1957, Ford Motor Company began selling its ill-fated Edsel.
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Today-----Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 83, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 72, Actress Jennifer Salt is 70, Golfer Tom Watson is 65, Actress Judith Ivy is 63, Actor Rishi Kapoor is 62 and Actor Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs Is 61.
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September 4th is: National Wildlife Day and Newspaper Carrier Day.
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Quip for the day.....ERROR.....no keyboard.......press F1 to continue..........
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Larryj
Today's----redneck joke day....
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."
Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
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Today is Friday, September 5, the 248th day of the year. There are 117 days left in the year.
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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.
In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.
In 1864, voters in Louisiana approved a new state constitution abolishing slavery.
In 1877, Oglala Sioux chief Crazy Horse was fatally bayoneted by a U.S. soldier after resisting confinement at Fort Robinson, Nebraska.
In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford survived an attempt on his life in Sacramento, California, by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme.
In 1984, the space shuttle Discovery ended its six day inaugural flight as it landed at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
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Today------Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 85, Actress Carol Lawrence is 82, Baseball player Bill Mazeroski is 78, Actor George Lazenby is 75, Actress Raquel Welch is 74, Movie director Werner Herzog is 72, Singer Al Stewart is 69, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 68, Director Dennis Dugan is 68, Author Cathy Guisewite is 64 and Actor Michael Keaton is 63.
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September 5th is: Be Late For Something Day, Bring Your Manners To Work Day, International Day Of Charity, Jury Rights Day and National Lazy Mom's Day.
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Quip for the day......Chasing the ice cream truck could count as exercise.
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Larryj
Today's---hah......
Mr. Smith and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.
Suddenly Mrs. Smith realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Mr. Smith said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
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Today is Saturday, September 6, the 249th day of the year. There are 116 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant occupied Paducah, Kentucky, during the Civil War.
In 1901, President William McKinley was shaking hands at the Pan-American Exhibition in Buffalo, New York, when 28-year-old Leon Czolgosz approached him and fired two shots into his chest.
In 1916, the first self-service grocery store opened in Memphis, Tennessee, by Clarence Saunders.
In 1997, a public funeral was held for Princess Diana at Westminster Abbey in London, six days after her death in a car crash in Paris.
In 2002, Congress convened in New York to pay homage to the victims and heroes of Sept. 11.
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Today-----Comedian Joanne Worley is 77, Country singer David Alan Coe is 75, Bassist Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 71, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 70 and Actress Jane Curtain is 67.
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September 6th is: Fight Procrastination Day, National Planting Day, World Beard Day, National Read A Book Day and National Coffee Ice Cream Day.
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Quip for the day........The definition of mixed emotions is when you see your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----it's Sunday.....
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived them all."
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Today is Sunday, September 7, the 250th day of the year. There are 115 days left in the year.
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In 1813, the United States got its nickname, Uncle Sam. The name is linked to Samuel Wilson, a meat packer from Troy, New York, who supplied barrels of beef to the Army during the War of 1812.
In 1907, the British liner RMS Lusitania began its maiden voyage from Liverpool, England, arriving six days later in New York.
In 1921, the San Antonio River flooded, killing 51 people and causing millions of dollars in damages. The flood was caused by some of the heaviest rainfall ever recorded in Texas.
In 1927, American television pioneer Philo T. Farnsworth succeeded in transmitting the image of a line via purely electronic means with his device, an "image dissector."
In 1940, Nazi Germany began its eight-month blitz of Britain with the first air attack on London.
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Today----Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 84, Actress Susan Blakely is 66, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 65, Actress Julie Kavner is 64, Rock singer Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders) is 63, Actor Michael Emerson is 60 and Actor Corbin Bernsen is 60.
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September 7th is: Google Commemoration, Grandma Moses's Day, Grandparent's Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, "Neither Snow Nor Rain" Day, Pet Rock Day and Salami Day.
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Quip for the day........Afternoon is that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
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Larryj
Today's------golf jokes.......
A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
and
Two guys meet for a round of golf. The first guy says, "Look at this golf ball. It's amazing. You can't lose it. If you hit it into the rough it pings so you can find it. If you hit it into the water hazard, it floats."
The second guy says, "Wow! Where did you get it?"
The first guy says, "I found it."
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Today is Monday, September 8, the 251st day of the year. There are 114 days left in the year.
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In 1900, about 8,000 people were killed by a hurricane in Galveston, Texas.
In 1935, Senator Huey Long was shot in the Louisiana State Capitol building and died about 30 hours later.
In 1954, U.S., France, Britain, New Zealand, Australia, the Philippines, Thailand and Pakistan founded the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization.
In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford pardoned former President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today-----Guitarist Guitar Shorty is 75, Poet Jack Prelutsky is 74, Actor Alan Feinstein is 73 and Pop singer Sal Valentino is 72.
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September 8th is: International Literacy Day, Pardon Day, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day, Virgin Mary Day, World Physical Therapy Day and National Boss/Employee Exchange Day.
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Quip for the day.......Smiling is the second best thing you can do with your lips.
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Larryj
Today's-----oldie but goodie......
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the southern congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care", and he smiles smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know crap?"
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Today is Tuesday, September 9, the 252nd day of the year. There are 113 days left in the year.
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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."
In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.
In 1893, Francis Folsom Cleveland, wife of President Grover Cleveland, gave birth to a daughter, Esther, in the White House.
In 1956, Elvis Presley made the first of three appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show." (Note: You may remember that censors blacked out the lower portion of the screen so viewers could not see Elvis swiveling his hips.)
In 1965, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Sandy Koufax pitched the eighth perfect game in major league history, leading the Dodgers to a 1-0 win over the Chicago Cubs at Dodger Stadium.
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Today---Actress Silvia Miles is 80, Actor Topol is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Luther Simmons is 72, Singer Inez Foxx is 72, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 69, Football player Joe Theismann is 65, Actor Tom Wopat is 63 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 62.
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September 9th is: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.
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Quip for the day......It doesn't matter whether you win or lose..........until you lose.
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Larryj
Today's-----idiot joke day........
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?"
"I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don't swim to well."
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "Do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
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Today is Wednesday, September 10, the 253rd day of the year. There are 112 days left in the year.
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In 1813, in the first unqualified defeat of a British naval squadron in history, U.S. Capt. Oliver Hazard Perry led a fleet of nine American ships to victory over six British warships at the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.
In 1897, a 25-year-old London taxi driver named George Smith became the first person ever arrested for drunk driving after slamming his cab into a building.
In 1939, Canada declared war on Germany.
In 1955, the long-running TV Western series "Gunsmoke," starring James Arness as Marshall Matt Dillon, premiered on CBS Television.
In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.
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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 85, Singer Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night) is 72, Singer Jose Feliciano is 69, Basketball player Bob Lanier is 66, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 65, Guitarist Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 64 and Actress Amy Irving is 61.
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September 10th is: Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.
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Quip for the day......JOIN THE ARMY!!!!! Travel to exotic places, meet new people.......shoot them.
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Larryj
Today's---from the archives......
One morning this guy went out to get his newspaper. As he turned to go back in, he saw a gorilla on his roof. Perplexed as to what to do, he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for a goroofer who specialized in removing gorillas from roofs.
He calls and the goroofer shows up with a big van. He gets out of the van and sets up a huge cage. Then he gets out a ladder, a mean looking German Shepard and a shotgun. The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"
The goroofer says, "I am going to climb the ladder, wrestle with the gorilla and throw him off the roof. Then the dog is going to bite him in a very tender area and the gorilla is going to run into the cage to get away from the dog."
The homeowner says, "I see. But what's the shotgun for?"
The goroofer says, "That's in case the gorilla throws me off the roof.................shoot the dog."
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Today is Thursday, September 11, the 254th day of the year. There are 111 days left in the year.
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In 1857, Mormon guerillas, stoked by religious zeal and a deep resentment of decades of public abuse and federal interference, attacked a wagon train and murdered 120 emigrants at Mountain Meadows, Utah.
In 1941, groundbreaking took place for the Pentagon.
In 1954, the Miss America pageant made its network TV debut on ABC; Miss California, Lee Meriwether, was crowned the winner.
In 1985, Cincinnati Reds player-manager Pete Rose got the 4,192nd hit of his career, breaking Ty Cobb's major league record for most career hits.
In 1991, a Continental Express commuter plane crashed near Houston, Texas, killing 14 people.
In 2001, on America's single-worst day of terrorism, nearly 3,000 people were killed as 19 al-Qaida members hijacked four passenger jetliners, sending two of the planes smashing into New York's World Trade Center, one into the Pentagon and the fourth into a field in western Pennsylvania.
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Today----Movie director Brian De Palma is 74, Singer Lola Falana is 72, Drummer Mickey Hart (Grateful Dead) is 71, Actress Amy Madigan is 64 and Guitarist Tommy Shaw (Styx) is 61.
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September 11th is: Odd Day: 11, Libraries Remember Day, National Day Of Service And Remembrance, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day.....There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah.....
A man was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.
When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."
The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea... why are you here?"
The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."
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Today is Friday, September 12, the 255th day of the year. There are 110 days left in the year.
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In 1914, during World War I, the First Battle of the Marne ended in an Allied victory against Germany.
In 1953, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee Bouvier in Newport, Rhode Island.
In 1954, the television show "Lassie" made its debut on CBS.
In 1960, Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kennedy addressed questions about his Roman Catholic faith.
In 1972, after nearly 40 years of riding across American TV and movie screens, the cowboy actor William Boyd, best known for his role as Hopalong Cassidy, died at age 77.
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Today----Actor Dickie Moore is 89, Actor Ian Holm is 83, Actress Linda Gray is 74, Actor Joe Pantoliano is 63, Singer Gerry Beckley (America) is 62 and Drummer Neil Peart (Rush) is 62.
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September 12th is: Banana Day, International Day For South-South Cooperation, Stand Up To Cancer Day and Video Games Day.
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Quip for the day.....Automatic means you can't repair it yourself.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny.....
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" The father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." He says. "A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man said, and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Today is Saturday, September 13, the 256th day of the year. There are 109 days left in the year.
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In 1814, Francis Scott Key penned a poem which was later set to music and in 1931 became America's National Anthem, "The Star-Spangled Banner."
In 1936, 17-year-old Cleveland Indians pitching ace "Rapid" Robert Feller struck out 17 batters in a game, setting a new American League record.
In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.
In 1993, at the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO chairman Yasser Arafat shook hands after singing an accord granting limited Palestinian autonomy.
In 1998, George Wallace, one of the most controversial politicians in U.S. history, died in Montgomery, Alabama, at the age of 79.
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Today----TV producer Fred Silverman is 77, Singer David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat and Tears) is 73, Author Mildred Taylor is 71, Singer Peter Cetera (Chicago) is 70, Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 70, Actress Jean Smart is 63, Musician Don Was is 62, Singer Randy Jones (The Village People) is 62 and TV host Iyanla Vanzant is 61.
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September 13th is: Farmers' Consumer Awareness Day, International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day, National Celiac Awareness Day, National Day For Remembrance For Aborted Children, National Hollerin' Day, National Iguana Awareness Day, National Peanut Day, Prairie Day and Roald Dahl Day.
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Quip for the day........I can handle pain..........until it hurts.
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Larryj
Today's-----pay attention.........
Warning Labels
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic beverage containers:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friend over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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Today is Sunday, September 14th, the 257th day of the year. There are 108 days left in the year.
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In 1901, 42-year-old Theodore Roosevelt was suddenly elevated to the White House when President McKinley died from wounds of an assassination attack.
In 1944, the Great Atlantic Hurricane passed close to North Carolina and Virginia before heading up the northeastern U.S. coast; nearly 400 people died, mostly at sea.
In 1955, Richard Wayne Penniman, better known as Little Richard, recorded "Tutti Frutti."
In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, born Grace Kelly American actress, died from injuries suffered in a car accident at age 52.
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Today-------Author Kate Millet is 80, Actor Walter Koenig is 78, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 70, Actor Sam Neill is 67, Singer Jon "Bowzer" Bauman (Sha Na Na) is 67 and Actor Robert Wisdom is 61.
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September 14th is: Miss America Pageant, National Hug Your Hound Day, National Kreme Filled Donut Day and National Pet Memorial Day.
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Quip for the day......If you don't care where you are, then you can't be lost.
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Larryj
Today's--------hah........
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
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Today is Monday, September 15, the 258th day of the year. There are 107 days left in the year.
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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.
In 1858, the new Overland Mail Company sent out its first two stages, inaugurating mail service between the eastern and western regions of the country.
In 1950, during the Korean War, U.S. Marines landed at Inchon on the west coast of Korea.
In 1958, a commuter train plunged off a bridge into Newark Bay in New Jersey killing 47 passengers.
In 1972, a federal grand jury in Washington indicted seven men in connection with the Watergate break-in.
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Today------Actor Forrest Compton is 89, Actor Henry Darrow is 81, Baseball player Gaylord Perry is 76, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 68, Movie director Oliver Stone is 68, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 67 and Coach Pete Carroll is 63.
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September 15th is: Capitol Hill Day, 8-Track Tape Day, Felt Hat Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day Of Democracy and International Dot Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day........Prophesy: You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family. (groan)
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Larryj
Today's---good one....
Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
(KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Today is Tuesday, September 16, the 259th day of the year. There are 106 days left in the year.
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In 1620, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth, England, bound for the New World with 102 passengers.
In 1893, more than 100,000 settlers swarmed onto a section of land in Oklahoma known as the "Cherokee Strip."
In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act.
In 1993, Frasier, a spin-off of the long-running mega-hit sitcom Cheers, made its debut on NBC.
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Today----Actress-singer Janis Paige is 92, Guitarist B.B. King is 89, Basketball player Elgin Baylor is 80, Rhythm-and-blues singer Betty Kelly (Martha & The Vandellas) is 70, Playwright Julia Donaldson is 66, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 65, Actor Mickey Rourke is 62 and Actor Christopher Rich is 61.
___________________________________________
September 16th is: Anne Bradstreet Day, Get Ready Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, National Guacamole Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's--------an old favorite....
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total."
The Canadian said, "I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, the land was forever fertile.
Osama bin Laden says, "I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam asks, "I'm curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, "the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable."
So Uncle Sam says, "I want it filled with water."
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Today is Wednesday, September 17, the 260th day of the year. There are 105 days left in the year.
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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
In 1868, a large band of Cheyenne and Sioux Indians staged a surprise attack on Major George A. Forsyth and a volunteer force of 50 frontiersmen in Colorado.
In 1937, the likeness of President Abraham Lincoln's head was dedicated at Mount Rushmore.
In 1976, NASA publicly unveiled its first space shuttle, the Enterprise, during a ceremony in Palmdale, California.
In 1996, daytime talk show host Oprah Winfrey launched a television book club and announced "The Deep End Of The Ocean" by Jacquelyn Mitchard as her first selection.
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Today-----Retired Supreme Court Judge David H. Souter is 75, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 69, Actress Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson is 63 and Comedian Rita Rudner is 61.
___________________________________________
September 17th is: Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, International Country Music Day, National Rehabilitation Day, School Backpack Awareness Day, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxillary Day.
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Quip for the day.....Everything east of the San Andreas Fault in California will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.....
Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde.
You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.
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Today is Thursday, September 18, the 261st day of the year. There are 104 days left in the year.
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In 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone of the United States Capitol building.
In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.
In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.
In 1975, newspaper heiress Patty Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1996, Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens struck out 20 Detroit Tigers, tying his own major league record for most strikeouts in a game.
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Today-----Voice actor June Foray (Rocket J. Squirrel from Rocky and Bullwinkle) is 97, Actor Robert Blake is 81, Actor Fred Willard is 81, Singer Frankie Avalon is 75, Sportscaster Jack Harris is 73, Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 64, Coach Rick Pitino is 62 and Actress Anna Thompson is 61.
___________________________________________
September 18th is: Air Force Birthday, Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Ceiling Fan Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....Time doesn't exist. Clocks exist.
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Larryj
Today's-----funny.......
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, September 19, the 262nd day of the year. There are 103 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the first Battle of Saratoga was fought during the Revolutionary War; although British forces succeeded in driving out the American troops, the Americans prevailed in a second battle later.
In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.
In 1957, the United States detonated a 1.7 Kiloton nuclear weapon in an underground tunnel at the Nevada Test Site, the first fully contained underground detonation.
In 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushev exploded with anger when he learned he could not visit Disneyland for security reasons.
In 1964, the family TV show "Flipper" premiered.
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Today----Actor Adam West is 86, Actor David McCallum is 81, Songwriter Paul Williams is 74, Singer Bill Medley is 74, Baseball player Joe Morgan is 71, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 69, Actor Jeremy Irons is 66, Model Leslie "Twiggy" Lawson is 65, TV show host Joan Lunden is 64 and College football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Reggie Williams is 60.
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September 19th is: Talk Like A Pirate Day, Clean Up The World Weekend 19-21, National POW/MIA Recognition Day and National Trademen Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that.
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Larryj
Today's-----oops.....
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Today is Saturday, September 20, the 263rd day of the year. There are 102 days left in the year.
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In 1777, near Paoli, Pennsylvania, Gen. Charles Grey and nearly 5,000 British soldiers launched a surprise attack on a small regiment of Patriot troops in what became known as the Paoli Massacre.
In 1863, the Confederate Army of Tennessee drove the Union Army of the Cumberland back into Chattanooga, Tennessee, from Chickamauga Creek in Northern Georgia.
In 1973, in their "battle of the sexes," tennis star Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in straight sets, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3.
In 2004, CBS News apologized for a "mistake in judgment" in questioning President George W. Bush's National Guard service.
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Today---Actress Anne Meara is 85, Actress Sophia Loren is 80, Author George R.R. Martin is 66, Author Nick Toczek is 64 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 63.
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September 20th is: AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Big Whopper Liar Day, Boys' And Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, National Gymnastics Day, National Seat Check Day and Puppy Mill Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day........The moment for calm and rational discussion has past; now is the time for senseless bickering.
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Larryj
Today's----an old favorite.......
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager aplogized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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Today is Sunday, September 21, the 264th day of the year. There are 101 days left in the year.
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In 1780, during the Revolutionary War, American General Benedict Arnold met with British Major John Andre to discuss handing over West Point to the British. The plot was foiled and Arnold's name became synonymous with the word "treason."
In 1897, The New York Sun ran its famous editorial written by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
In 1912, magician Harry Houdini first publicly performed his "Water Torture Cell" trick at the Circus Busch in Berlin.
In 1938, without warning, a powerful Category 3 hurricane slammed into Long Island and Southern New England causing 600 deaths and devastating coastal cities and towns.
In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" began on ABC-TV. The Cleveland Browns beat the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.
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Today------Songwriter Leonard Cohen is 80, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 73, Author Steven King is 67, Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 64 and Hall-of-Fame Jockey Eddie Delahoussaye is 63.
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September 21st is: International Day Of Peace, Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day Of Play, Wife Appreciation Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.
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Quip for the day.......One good thing about repeating your mistakes, you know when to cringe.
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Larryj
Today's------blonde guy day....
A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50. The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.
On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!
He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! He's thinking, "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, "Dang, I just paid fifty bucks for these, and they're already broken!"
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Today is Monday, September 22, the 265th day of the year. There are 100 days left in the year.
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In 1776, during the American Revolutionary War, Capt. Nathan Hale was hanged by the British in New York.
In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation establishing the Peace Corps as a permanent government agency.
In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford outside a San Francisco hotel, but missed.
In 1994, the television sitcom Friends began on NBC.
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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda is 87, Songwriter Toni Basil is 71, Singer David Coverdale (Deep Purple) is 63 and Actress Shari Belafonte is 60.
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September 22nd is: American Business Women's Day, Autumnal Equinox, Car Free Day, Chainmail Day, Dear Diary Day, Elephant Appreciation Day, Family Day, Hobbit Day, Ice Cream Cone Day and International Day Of Radiant Peace.
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Quip for the day.....My wife's philosophy: Maybe I can't make you do it, but I sure can make you sorry you didn't.
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Larryj
Today's-----a favorite.....
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg.
Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man..., "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
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Today is Tuesday, September 23, the 266th day of the year. There are 99 days left in the year.
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In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.
In 1875, Billy the kid was arrested for the first time after stealing a basket of laundry.
In 1952, in what became known as the "Checkers" speech, Sen. Richard M. Nixon, R-Calif., salvaged his vice-presidential nomination by appearing live on television to refute allegations of improper campaign fundraising.
In 1962, "The Jetsons," an animated cartoon series about a Space Age family, premiered as the ABC network's first program in color.
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Today---Singer Julio Iglesias is 71, Actor Paul Peterson is 69 and Singer Bruce Springsteen is 65.
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September 23rd is: Innergize Day, Checkers Day or Dogs In Politics Day, National Voter Registration Day and Restless Legs Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.........Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
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Larryj
Today's------another favorite.....
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Today is Wednesday, September 24, the 267th day of the year. There are 98 days left in the year.
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In 1789, the Judiciary Act of 1789 was passed by Congress and signed by President George Washington, establishing the Supreme Court of the United States.
In 1869, thousands of businessmen were ruined in a Wall Street panic known as "Black Friday" after financiers Jay Gould and James Fisk attempted to corner the gold market.
In 1890, faced with the eminent destruction of their church and way of life, Mormon leaders reluctantly issued the "Mormon Manifesto" in which they commanded all Latter-day Saints to uphold the anti-polygamy laws of the nation.
In 1934, Babe Ruth made his farewell appearance as a player with the New York Yankees in a game against the Boston Red Sox.
In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco.
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Today-----Astronaut John Watts Young is 84, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sonny Turner (The Platters) is 75, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 72, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 69 and Football player Joe Greene is 68.
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September 24th is: National Women's Health And Fitness Day, Punctuation Day and Banned Websites Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.....I was always taught to respect my elders. Trouble is, they are getting harder to find.
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Larryj
Today's-----and another favorite......
An Accident Report
I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope...
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Today is Thursday, September 25, the 268th day of the year. There are 97 days left in the year.
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In 1789, the first U.S. Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification. (Ten of the amendments became the Bill of Rights.)
In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.
In 1970, the TV series "The Partridge Family" aired on ABC.
In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.
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Today------Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 85, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 70, Actress Felicity Kendal is 68, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 67, Actor Anson Williams is 65, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 65 and Actor Mark Hamill is 63.
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September 25th is: Math Story Telling Day, National One-hit Wonder Day, National Psychotherapy Day, National Teach Ag Day, World Ataxia Awareness Day and World Pharmacists Day.
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Quip for the day......The most frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you will grow out of it.
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Larryj
Today's------yep.....
Three people die, a Doctor, a school teacher and the head of a large HMO. When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, he asks the Doctor "what did you do on Earth?"
The Doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay, I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "you may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her, "you may go in."
St. Peter asked the third man, "what did you do?" The man hung his head and replied, "I ran a large HMO." To which St. Peter replied, "you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days."
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Today is Friday, September 26, the 269th day of the year. There are 96 days left in the year.
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In 1777, British troops occupied Philadelphia during the American Revolution.
In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States Secretary of State.
In 1820, the great pioneering frontiersman Daniel Boone died in his sleep near present-day Defiance, Missouri.
In 1957, West Side Story, composed by Leonard Bernstein, opened at the Winter Garden theater on Broadway.
In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.
In 1964, "Gilligan's Island" premiered on CBS-TV.
In 1969, "The Brady Bunch" aired on television for the first time.
In 2008, Paul Newman, one of the leading movie stars of the 20th century, died at the age of 83 from cancer at his home in Westport, Connecticut.
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Today------Retired Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 89, Actress Donna Douglas is 81, Actor Ricky Tomlinson is 75, Actor Kent McCord is 72, Game show host Anne Robinson is 70, Singer Bryan Ferry is 69, Country singer Lynn Anderson is 67, Country singer Lyndsey Wagner is 67, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 66 and Actor James Keane is 62.
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September 26th is: Hug A Vegetarian Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Love Note Day, Save The Koala Day and World Contraception Day.
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Quip for the day...My wife says the only reason I'm alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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Larryj
Today's-----groaner........
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
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Today is Saturday, September 27, the 270th day of the year. There are 95 days left in the year.
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In 1864, a guerilla band led by William "Bloody Bill" Anderson sacked the town of Centralia, Missouri, killing 22 unarmed Union soldiers.
In 1869, Ellis County, Kansas, Sheriff Wild Bill Hickok and his deputy responded to a report of a group of drunken men tearing up John Bitter's Beer Saloon in Hays City. Hickok shot and killed one man.
In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time at the Central Theater in Passaic, New Jersey, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.
In 1954, "Tonight!," hosted by Steve Allen, made it debut on NBC-TV.
In 1979, Congress gave its final approval to forming the Department of Education.
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Today--Actress Jayne Meadows is 95, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 81, Actor Wilford Brimley is 80, Actor Claude Jarman Jr. is 80, Author Barbara Howar is 80, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 75, Country singer Gay Kayler is 73, Singer Alan Stardust is 72, Guitarist Randy Bachman (The Guess Who) is 71, Singer Angelica Maria is 70, Singer Meat Loaf is 67, Comedian Liz Torres is 67, Baseball player Mike Schmidt is 65 and Actress Gail Edwards is 62.
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September 27th is: Ancestor Appreciation Day, Family Health And Fitness Day, Fish Amnesty Day, Google's Birthday, International Lace Day, International Rabbit Day, Kid's Day (Kiwanis Club), National Hunting And Fishing Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, R.E.A.D. In America Day, Support Purple For Platelets Day and World Tourism Day.
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Quip for the day........I may be fat, but you're ugly......and I can lose weight.
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Larryj
Today's-------blonde joke day......
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
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Today is Sunday, September 28, the 271st day of the year. There are 94 days left in the year.
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In 1066, one of my ancestors, William the Conqueror, invaded England to claim the English throne.
In 1542, Portuguese navigator Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego.
In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation sent the just-completed Constitution of the United States to state legislatures for their approval.
In 1991, jazz trumpet legend Miles Davis died in a California hospital at age 65.
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Today---Actress Brigitte Bardot is 80, Singer Ben E. King is 76, Actor Rudolph Walker is 75, Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 64, Actress Pauletta Washington is 64 and Rock musician George Lynch is 60.
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September 28th is: Fish Tank Floorshow Night, National Drink Beer Day, National Good Neighbor Day, International Right To Know Day, World Heart Day, World Rabies Day and Gold Star Mother's Day.
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Quip for the day........A flying particle will find the nearest eye.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.....
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Today is Monday, September 29, the 272nd day of the year. There are 93 days left in the year.
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In 1907, Gene Autry, perhaps the greatest singing cowboy of all time, was born on this day in Tioga, Texas.
In 1978, John Paul I was found dead in his Vatican apartment just over a month after becoming Pope.
In 1982, Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first victim in the Chicago area.
In 2005, John G. Roberts Jr. was sworn in as the U.S.'s 17th chief justice.
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Today-------Actress Lizabeth Scott is 93, Actress Anita Ekberg is 83, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 79, Actor Ian McShane is 72, Actress Patricia Hodge is 68, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 66 and Actor Drake Hogestyn is 61.
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September 29th is: MAGS Day, Mutation Day (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, International Coffee Day, VFW Day, World Maritime Day and World Heart Day.
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Quip for the day....My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but, boy, can she climb a tree!
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Larryj
Today's----oldie....
An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "two o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe's door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud "CLICK" was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.
The safe was empty.
Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.
"A hundred and twenty dollars," replied the locksmith.
"A hundred and twenty dollars?!" shouted the businessman, "That's outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!"
"Okay." The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:
"Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100."
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Today is Tuesday, September 30, the 273rd day of the year. There are 92 days left in the year.
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In 1868, the first volume of Louisa May Alcott's Little Women was published.
In 1889, the Wyoming state convention approved a constitution that included a provision allowing women the right to vote.
In 1927, Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run that set a record which would stand for 34 years.
In 1954, the first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, was commissioned by the U.S. Navy.
In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame, California.
In 1984, the mystery series "Murder She Wrote," starring Angela Lansbury, premiered on CBS.
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Today----Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 85, Actress Angie Dickinson is 83, Singer Cissy Houston is 81, Singer Johnny Mathis is 79, Singer Marilyn McCoo (The Fifth Dimension) is 71, Author Laura Esquivel is 64 and Actor Barry Williams is 60.
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September 30th is: Ask A Stupid Question Day, Blasphemy Day and International Translation Day.
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Quip for the day.........Marriage means commitment........so does insanity.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
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Today is Wednesday, October 1, the 274th day of the year. There are 91 days left in the year.
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In 1885, Special Delivery mail service began in the United States.
In 1890, an act of Congress created Yosemite National Park.
In 1908, Henry Ford introduced the Model T automobile.
In 1957, the motto "In God We Trust" began appearing on U.S. paper currency.
In 1961, New York Yankee Roger Maris became the first-ever major league baseball player to hit more than 60 home runs in a single season breaking Babe Ruth's record.
In 1962, Johnny Carson took over from Jack Paar as host of the late night program "The Tonight Show."
In 1987, an earthquake in Whittier, California, killed six people and injured 100 others. (this was one of the larger ones I have felt since living here. Whittier is about 20 miles to the south of us.)
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Today------Former President Jimmy Carter is 90, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 79, Actress Stella Stevens is 76, Baseball player Rod Carew is 69, Actor Steven Collins is 67, Actress Yvette Freeman is 64 and Actor Randy Quaid is 64.
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October 1st is: Balloons Around The World Day, CD Player Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day Of Older Persons, International Music Day, Model T Day, World Vegetarian Day, Guardian Angels Day, National Book It! Day and National Walk Your Dog Day.
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Quip for the day.......It is a known fact that fat people use more soap.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
A man was sued for slander by Mrs. Johnson for calling her a pig. He lost the case and paid a big fine.
Afterwards, he asked the judge, "Does this mean I can no longer call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge answered that was correct.
The man asks, "Can I call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" The judge said that was permissible and that the man would not have any legal repercussions.
The man then turned to the woman and said, "Good day, Mrs. Johnson."
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Today is Thursday, October 2, the 275th day of the year. There are 90 days left in the year.
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In 1835, the growing tensions between Mexico and Texas erupted into violence when Mexican soldiers attempted to disarm the people of Gonzales sparking the Texan war for independence.
In 1889, the first international Conference of American States convened in Washington, D.C.
In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.
In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Shulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.
In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
In 1985, actor Rock Hudson, 59, became the first major U.S. celebrity to die of complications from AIDS.
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Today----Baseball player Maury Wills is 82, Movie critic Rex Reed is 76, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 69, Fashion designer Donna Karan is 66, Actor Avery Brooks is 66, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 65, Musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis) is 64, Actor-singer Sting is 63, Singer Romina Power is 63 and Actress Lorraine Bracco is 60.
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October 2nd is: National Custodial Workers Day, Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, World Farm Animals Day, International Non-Violence Day and Guardian Angels Day (erroneously posted yesterday.)
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Quip for the day.......Old is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
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Larryj
Today's------oh no.....
One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.
"What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What do ya got in it?"
To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."
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Today is Friday, October 3, the 276th day of the year. There are 89 days left in the year.
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving Day.
In 1951, the New York Giants captured the National League pennant by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thompson hit a three-run homer off Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."
In 1967, Woody Guthrie, godfather of the 1950s folk revival movement, died.
In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.
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Today--Basketball Hall-of-Famer Marques O. Haynes is 88, Rock 'n' Roll singer Chubby Checker is 73, Guitarist Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) is 65, Astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan is 63 and Baseball player Dave Winfield is 63.
(trivia here---Chubby Checker was given that name by Dick Clark's wife spoofing the name Fats Domino. His real name is Ernest Evans.)
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October 3rd is: Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Day, Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day and World Smile Day.
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Quip for the day.....The grocery bag that breaks is always the one with the eggs.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one.....
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of an American solider: "One American soldier is better than 10 Taliban fighters." So the Taliban sends over ten of his high-ranking soldiers.
After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban hears the voice again. "One American soldier is better than 100 Taliban fighters."
So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban hears the voice again. "One American soldier is better than 1000 Taliban fighters."
So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says, "Don't send anymore men. It's a trap! There are two of them!"
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Today is Saturday, October 4, the 277th day of the year. There are 88 days left in the year.
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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, Pennsylvania.
In 1927, sculpting began on the face of Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills National Forest in South Dakota.
In 1955, the Brooklyn Dodgers won their first World Series beating the New York Yankees 2-0.
In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.
In 1970, Rock legend Janis Joplin died of an accidental heroin overdose in her hotel room in Los Angeles.
In 1990, Beverly Hills 90210 began on the Fox TV Network.
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Today------Actress Felicia Farr is 82, Actor Eddie Applegate is 79, Author Jackie Collins is 77, Author Anne Rice is 73, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tony La Russa is 70, Songwriter Clifton Davis is 69, Actress Susan Sarandon is 68, Actress Brynn Thayer is 65 and Actor Armand Assante is 65.
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October 4th is: Blessing Of The Animals Day, Cephalopod Awareness Day, Fall Astronomy Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, National Taco Day, National Ship In A Bottle Day, Ten-Four Day, Vodka Day, World Animal Day, Inter-American Water Day and World Card Making Day.
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Quip for the day.....The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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Larryj
Today's----an old favorite......
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning." I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife." He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Today is Sunday, October 5, the 278th day of the year. There are 87 days left in the year.
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In 1892, the Dalton gang attempted to rob two banks simultaneously in Coffeyville, Kansas, but met resistance from townspeople, who killed four of the five bandits.
In 1921, the World Series was carried on radio for the first time as Newark, N.J., station WJZ relayed a telephoned play-by-play of the first game from the Polo Grounds.
In 1947, President Harry S. Truman made the first televised White House address -- on the world food crisis.
In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the United States, succeeding Fred M. Vinson.
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Today---Actress Glynis Johns is 91, Comedian Bill Dana is 90, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Barry Switzer is 77, Singer-musician Steve Miller (The Steve Miller Band) is 71, Author Michael Morpurgo is 71, Singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 67, Actress Karen Allen is 63, Singer Bob Geldof is 63 and Writer-producer-director Clive Barker is 62.
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October 5th is: International Blessing Of The Fishing Fleet Day, Change A Light Day, Country Inn Bed And Breakfast Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, World Communion Day and World Teachers Day.
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Quip for the day.......Any ship can be a minesweeper.........once.
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A bit of trivia......A stretch of Arizona highway near the Mexican border has destination signs in kilometers, not miles. The markers from Nogales to Tucson are a relic of a failed Carter administration program. The 60-mile stretch (ahem---100 Kilometers) is the only continuous highway in the U.S. with metric signs.
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Larryj
Today's---long one, but worth it......
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. Her husband, who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire. Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising it's ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed........both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.
About a year later, they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.
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Today is Monday, October 6, the 279th day of the year. There are 86 days left in the year.
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In 1863, Confederate guerilla leader William Clarke Quantrill continued his bloody rampage through Kansas when he attacked Baxter Springs.
In 1866, the Reno gang carried out the first robbery of a moving train in the U.S., making off with $10,000 from an Ohio and Mississippi train in Jackson County, Indiana.
In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with "The Jazz Singer" starring Al Jolson, a movie featuring both silent and sound-synchronized sequences.
In 1961, President John F. Kennedy, speaking on civil defense, advised American families to build bomb shelters to protect them from nuclear fallout in the event of an atom bomb attack.
In 1979, Pope John Paul II became the first Pontiff to visit the White House.
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Today-----Actress Ellen Travolta is 74, Actress Britt Ekland is 72, Singer Millie Small is 68 and Rock musician David Hidalgo (Los Lobos) is 60.
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October 6th is: Child Health Day, Ecological Debt Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day, Techie's Day, World Day Of Architecture, World Habitat Day and World Day Of Bullying Prevention.
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Quip for the day...You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocking chair and you can't get it started.
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A bit of trivia.....At one time it was against the law to serve ice cream with cherry pie in Kansas.
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Larryj
Today's---------funny..
Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them.
The first one says, "My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, "Oh, how nice."
The second woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice."
So then the third woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." And all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice."
So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, "Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lessons to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."
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Today is Tuesday, October 7, the 280th day of the year. There are 85 days left in the year.
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In 1949, the Republic of East Germany was formed.
In 1954, Marian Anderson became the first black singer hired by the Metropolitan Opera Company in New York.
In 1960, the first episode of the one-hour television drama "Route 66" aired on CBS.
In 1979, Pope John Paul II concluded his week-long tour of the United States with a Mass on the Washington Mall.
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Today-----Retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 83, Comedian-talk show host Joy Behar is 72, Former National Security Council aide Lt. Col. Oliver North (ret.) is 71, Rock musician Kevin Godley (10cc) is 69, Singer John Cougar Mellencamp is 63 and Drummer Tico Torres (Bon Jovi) is 61.
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October 7th is: You Matter To Me Day and National Frappe Day.
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Quip for the day.....I always plan for the future. I buy two cases of beer instead of just one.
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A bit of trivia......A hailstone weighing one and one half pounds fell on Coffeyville, Kansas, on September 3, 1970.
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Larryj
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=32&Pagina=4#ixzz3FTVCLmSE
Today's----good one.....
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees."
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back at the house thar."
"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's."
"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."
"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!"
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"
"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin."
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"
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Today is Wednesday, October 8, the 281st day of the year. There are 84 days left in the year.
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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted and burned for two days.
In 1944, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, made its debut on CBS Radio.
In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.
In 1956, New York Yankee pitcher Don Larsen pitched the first no-hitter in the history of the World Series. Even better, it was a perfect game as no opposing batter reached first base.
In 1957, Jerry Lee Lewis recorded "Great Balls of Fire" for Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee.
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Today-----Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 78, Actor Paul Hogan is 75, Civil Rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 73, Comedian Chevy Chase is 71, Author R.L. Stine is 71, Actress Sigourney Weaver is 65 and Actor Michael Dudikoff is 60.
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October 8th is: Alvin C. York Day, Emergency Nurses Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work And School Day, National Pierogy Day, Pet Obesity Awareness Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, Walk To School Day and World Octopus Day.
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Quip for the day.....I always win..........unless there is a second entry.
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A bit of trivia....Pizza Hut Restaurants opened its first store in Wichita. And, Kansas State Game Rules prohibit the use of mules to hunt ducks.
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Larryj
Today's----funny.......
Things Not to Hear During Surgery:
Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
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Today is Thursday, October 9, the 282nd day of the year. There are 83 days left in the year.
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In 1776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.
In 1888, the public was first admitted to the Washington Monument.
In 1936, harnessing the power of the Colorado River, Hoover Dam began sending electricity to Los Angeles.
In 1946, the Eugene O'Neill drama, "The Iceman Cometh" opened at the Martin Beck Theater in New York.
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Today----Actor Donald Sinden is 91, Actor Brian Blessed is 78, Singer Jackson Browne is 66, Nobel Peace laureate actor Robert Wuhl is 63, Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 62, Actor Tony Shalhoub is 61, Actor Scott Bakula is 60 and Actor John O'Hurley is 60.
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October 9th is: Leif Erikson Day, National Chess Day, National Pro-life Cupcake Day, National Depression Screening Day, World Post Day and World Sight Day.
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Quip for the day......The only time a woman wishes she was a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
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A bit of trivia....The First United Methodist Church in Hutchinson, Kansas, was built in 1874 during the time of the grasshopper plagues. The grasshoppers came during the construction of the churches foundation, but the work was continued. As a result thousands of grasshoppers are mixed into the mortar of the original church foundation.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah......
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
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Today is Friday, October 10, the 283rd day of the year. There are 82 days left in the year.
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In 1845, the U.S. Naval Academy was established in Annapolis, Maryland.
In 1913, the Panama Canal was completed as President Woodrow Wilson sent a signal from the White House by telegraph.
In 1935, George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess premiered on Broadway.
In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, accused of accepting bribes, pleaded no contest to one count and resigned his office.
In 2004, Actor Christopher Reeve died from heart failure at age 52 in Westchester, New York.
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Today-------Actor Peter Coyote is 73, Actor Charles Dance is 68, Game show host Chris Tarrant is 68, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 68 and Author Nora Roberts is 64.
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October 10th is: International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, National Handbag Day, Naval Academy Day, World Day Against The Death Penalty, World Egg Day, World Homeless Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.
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Quip for the day.....You're getting old when your daily one hour nap takes an hour and a half.
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A bit of trivia........Vivian Vance, born Vivian Jones, who played Ethel in the "I Love Lucy" series, was born in Cherryvale, Kansas, in 1907.
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Larryj
Today's-------funny.......
It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat.
Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving! Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped out of the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid guy that got in our car while we were pushing."
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Today is Saturday, October 11, the 284th day of the year. There are 81 days left in the year.
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In 1614, the New Amsterdam Co. was formed by a group of merchants from Amsterdam to set up fur trading in North America.
In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis.
In 1975, Saturday Night Live, a topical comedy sketch show, made its debut on NBC.
In 1991, testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Anita Hill accused Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas of sexually harassing her; Thomas re-appeared before the panel to denounce the proceedings as a "high-tech lynching."
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Today-----Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 72, Country singer Gene Watson is 71, Singer Daryl Hall (Hall and Oates) is 68, Country singer Paulette Carlson is 63 and Actor David Morse is 61.
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October 11th is: General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Costume Swap Day, National Family Bowling Day, Universal Music Day, Southern Food Heritage Day and National Food Truck Day.
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Quip for the day....The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to....to...uh....
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A bit of trivia.....The Emmett Kelly Museum, honoring the world famous clown, is located in Sedan where he was born.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one.....
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and has severe short term memory loss," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it landed?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
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Today is Sunday, October 12, the 285th day of the year. There are 80 days left in the year.
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In 1870, General Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Virginia, at age 63.
In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.
In 1940, the famous cowboy actor Tom Mix was killed in a freak auto accident in Florence, Arizona.
In 1997, Singer John Denver died when his experimental aircraft crashed into Monterey Bay in California.
In 2000, 17 sailors were killed in a suicide bomb attack on the destroyer USS Cole in Yemen.
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Today------Comedian Dick Gregory is 82, Singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 79, TV show host Angela Rippon is 70, Broadcast journalist Chris Wallace is 67, Guitarist Rick Parfitt (Status Quo) is 66, Actress Susan Anton is 64 and Comedian Les Dennis is 61.
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October 12th is: Columbus Day (traditional), Day Of The Six Billion, Clergy Appreciation Day, Free Thought Day, International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day and Spanish Language Day.
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Quip for the day......(from a FB friend)...Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions.
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A bit of trivia......Edward "Eddie" J. Adams was a Kansas bootlegger, car thief and murderer. He was eventually caught and sentenced to life in prison. He escaped custody twice and was killed in a shootout with police in Wichita on November 22, 1921.
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Larryj
Today's---sounds like me.....
The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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Today is Monday, October 13, the 286th day of the year. There are 79 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the Continental Congress authorized construction and administration of the first American naval force.
In 1792, the cornerstone was laid for a presidential residence in the newly designated capital city of Washington, D.C.
In 1845, a majority of citizens in the independent Republic of Texas approved a proposed constitution.
In 1950, actor Jimmy Stewart starred in Harvey, a drama about an eccentric man whose best friend is a giant invisible rabbit.
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Today---Singer Nana Mouskouri is 80, Singer Shirley Caesar is 76, Jazz saxophonist Pharoah Sanders is 74, Singer Paul Simon (Simon and Garfunkel) is 73, Actor Demond Wilson is 68, Singer Sammy Hagar (Van Halen) is 67, Director Mary Lambert is 63, Astronaut Michael R. Clifford is 62 and Model Beverly Johnson is 62.
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October 13th is: Columbus Day (observed), English Language Day, International Africa Penguin Awareness Day, International Day For Failure, Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, National Kick Butt Day, Native American Day, Navy Birthday and National Chess Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......My wife says I never listen...at least I think that's what she said.
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A bit of trivia......In 1881, Kansas became the first state to prohibit alcoholic beverages.
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Larryj
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Today's---hah....
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?"
"Yes, your honor."
"And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress."
The judge checked with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"
"Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times."
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Today is Tuesday, October 14, the 287th day of the year. There are 78 days left in the year.
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In 1912, former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive ("Bull Moose") candidate, went ahead with a speech in Milwaukee after being shot in the chest by New York saloonkeeper John Schrank, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."
In 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
In 1957, "Wake Up Little Susie" became the Everly Brothers first #1 hit.
In 1964, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Today-------Actor Roger Moore is 87, Fashion Designer Ralph Lauren is 75, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 74, Singer Justin Howard (Moody Blues) is 68, Actor Joey Travolta is 64, Actor Harry Anderson is 62 and Actor Greg Evigan is 61.
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October 14th is: Be Bald And Be Free Day, National Face Your Fears Day, Spider-Man Day and World Standards Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Thou Shalt Not Weigh More Than Thy Refrigerator.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia.......the first recorded bullfight in the United States occurred on July 4, 1884, in Dodge City.
_________________________________________
Larryj
Today's---groaner, or teaser, or something to think about........
There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.
Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.
Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."
(Say it out loud).
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Today is Wednesday, October 15, the 288th day of the year. There are 77 days left in the year.
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In 1860, Grace Bedell, 11, of Westfield, New York, wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.
In 1930, Duke Ellington and his Orchestra recorded "Mood Indigo."
In 1965, David Miller, a young Catholic pacifist, became the first U.S. war protester to burn his draft card.
In 1976, in the first debate of its kind between vice-presidential nominees, Democrat Walter F. Mondale and Republican Bob Dole faced off in Houston.
In 1991, despite sexual harassment allegations by Anita Hill, the Senate narrowly confirmed the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court, 52-48.
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Today----Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 90, Singer Barry McGuire is 79, Actress Linda Lavin is 77, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 69, Singer Richard Carpenter (The Carpenters) is 68, Singer Chris Deburgh is 66, Musician Tito Jackson (The Jackson Five) is 61 and Actor Larry Miller is 61.
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October 15th is: Global Hand Washing Day, Hagfish Day, Information Overload Day, International Day Of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Fossil Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, National Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day, Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce Day and White Cane Safety Day.
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Quip for the day......Military words of wisdom: It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed.
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A bit of trivia.....Jayhawkers were Kansans to would go to Missouri and steal back slaves to give them their freedom.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----idiot joke day.....
Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
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Today is Thursday, October 16, the 289th day of the year. There are 76 days left in the year.
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In 1859, Abolitionist John Brown led a small group on a raid against a Federal armory in Harpers Ferry, Virginia, in an attempt to start an armed slave revolt.
In 1958, Chevrolet began to sell a car-truck hybrid that it called the El Camino.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy was informed that reconnaissance photographs had revealed the presence of missile bases in Cuba.
In 1987, 17-month-old Jessica McClure was rescued after being trapped for 58 hours in an abandoned water well in Midland, Texas.
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Today-----Actress Angela Lansbury is 89, Actress Fernanda Montenegro is 85, Actor Barry Corbin is 74, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 73, Actress Suzanne Somers is 68 and Singer Bob Weir (The Grateful Dead) is 67.
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October 16th is: Boss's Day, Conflict Resolution Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, National Feral Cat Day, Spirit Day and World Food Day.
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Quip for the day.....It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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A bit of trivia........Elk Falls is the outhouse capital of Kansas. (but you knew that already.)
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Larryj
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=37&Pagina=9#ixzz3GJxtAU49
Today's------hah...
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
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Today is Friday, October 17, the 290th day of the year. There are 75 days left in the year.
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In 1835, Texans approved the creation of the Texas Rangers.
In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.
In 1939, Frank Capra's comedy-drama "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," starring James Stewart, had its premiere in the nation's capital.
In 1960, Rhythm and blues legends The Drifters earned a #1 hit with "Save The Last Dance For Me."
In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter Scale struck the San Francisco area, killing 63 people and causing $68 million in damages. This occurred just before the start of the first game of the World Series between San Francisco and Oakland.
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Today-----Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 84, Singer Gary Puckett (Gary Puckett and The Union Gap) is 72, Actor Michael McKean is 67, Actress Margot Kidder is 66 and Actor George Wendt is 66.
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October 17th is: Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day, National Pasta Day, Mammography Day, Wear Something Gaudy Day and World Student Day.
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Quip for the day....If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
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A bit of trivia.....Every type of prairie habitat can be found in Kansas.
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Larryj
Today's----good one......
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"
Wife: I really don't think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.
Husband: Well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce.
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much
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Today is Saturday, October 18, the 291st day of the year. There are 74 days left in the year.
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In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.
In 1892, the first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened. (It could only handle one call at a time.)
In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison, one of the most prolific inventors in history, died in West Orange, New Jersey, at age 84.
In 1954, Texas Instruments unveiled the Regency TR-1, the first commercially produced transistor radio.
In 1972, Congress passed the Clean Water Act, over-riding President Nixon's veto.
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Today---Rock-and-Roll performer Chuck Berry is 88, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 86, Actress Dawn Wells is 76, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Mike Ditka is 75, Comedian Paul Elliott is 67, Actress Pam Dawber is 63 and Writer-producer Chuck Lorre is 62.
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October 18th is: Bridge Day, Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day, World Menopause Day and Sweetest Day.
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Quip for the day......I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
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A bit of trivia......No Kansas county has two words in its name.
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Larryj
Today's-----yep.....
In the Man vs. Women category......
Going to a drive-up ATM machine.....
MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
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Today is Sunday, October 19, the 292nd day of the year. There are 73 days left in the year.
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In 1781, British Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered his troops at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.
In 1789, John Jay, the first chief justice of the United States, was sworn in.
In 1814, the first documented public performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner" took place at the Holliday Street Theater in Baltimore.
In 1914, the U.S. Post Office began delivering mail with government-owned cars instead of contracted vehicles.
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Today--Author John le Carre is 83, Artist Peter Max is 77, Author and critic Renata Adler is 75, Actor Michael Gambon is 74, Actor John Lithgow is 69, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 69 and Actress Veronica Castro is 62.
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October 19th is: National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, Evaluate Your Life Day and World Toy Camera Day.
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Quip for the day......(posted by a cousin with a little editorial license)
HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE.......
Remove the cork and allow the wine to breathe.
If it is not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
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A bit of trivia....The first burial in Grace Lawn in Howard was a McDonald in 1874.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------good one......
Abu al-Zarqawi died. George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
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Today is Monday, October 20, the 293rd day of the year. There are 72 days left in the year.
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In 1803, the U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase.
In 1944, Gen. Douglas MacArthur waded ashore onto the Philippine Island of Leyte, fulfilling his promise of "I shall return."
In 1977, three members of the southern rock band, Lynyrd Skynyrd died in a place crash in Mississippi.
In 1994, actor Burt Lancaster died of a heart attack in Century City, California, at age 80.
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Today-----Actor William Christopher is 82, Singer Wanda Lavonne Jackson is 77, Baseball player Juan Marichal is 77, Singer Tom Petty is 64, Actor William Russ is 64 and Baseball player Keith Hernandez is 61.
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October 20th is: Lung Health Day, Miss American Rose Day and National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day.
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Quip for the day......I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
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A bit of trivia....The first school was taught in Howard in early 1873 by W.S. Kent.
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Larryj
Today's----oh no....
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.
While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
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Today is Tuesday, October 21, the 294th day of the year. There are 71 days left in the year.
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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.
In 1867, more than 7,000 Southern Plains Indians gathered near Medicine Lodge, Kansas, as their leaders signed one of the most important treaties in the history of U.S.-Indian relations.
In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
In 1910, a massive explosion destroyed the Los Angeles Times in the downtown area, killing 21 and injuring more. (Note: The site of the explosion was never built back up as the newspaper built a new building across the street to the South. It remained a concrete slab all the years I worked there.)
In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon nominated Lewis F. Powell and William H. Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court.
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Today------Actress Joyce Randolph is 90, Baseball player Whitey Ford is 86, Author Ursula K. Le Guinis is 85, Actress Vivian Pickles is 83, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 74, Songwriter-guitarist Steve Cropper (Booker T. and the MG's) is 73, TV show host Judge Judy Sheindlin is 71, Actress Latanya Richardson is 65, Actress Patti Davis is 62 and Guitarist Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Gos) is 61.
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October 21st is: Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day, Pro-Life Day Of Silent Solidarity and Reptile Awareness Day.
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Quip for the day.......You know that little thingie in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't? Yeah, I don't have one of those.
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A bit of trivia.........In 1873, a stage line operated b James A. McCoy began making runs from Eureka to Emporia.
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Larryj
Today's-----hah........
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter.
A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out"
His friend said, "well, we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number."
Phil nodded and said "Can I try?"
His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
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Today is Wednesday, October 22, the 295th day of the year. There are 70 days left in the year.
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In 1883, the original Metropolitan Opera House in New York held its grand opening with a performance of Gounod's "Faust."
In 1934, Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd was shot to death by FBI agents in a cornfield in East Liverpool, Ohio.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba and announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment being shipped to the Communist Island nation.
In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that led to a hostage crisis.
In 1992, Red Barber, the legendary announcer of the Brooklyn Dodgers, died at age 84.
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Today---Black Panther co-founder Bobby Seale is 78, Actor Derek Jacobi is 76, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 76, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 71, Author Deepak Chopra is 68 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 62.
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October 22nd is: International Stuttering Awareness Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Nut Day and Smart Is Cool Day.
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Quip for the day......My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
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A bit of trivia...Omar Knedlik of Coffeyville, Kansas, invented the first frozen carbonated drink machine.
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Larryj
Today's----groaner.....
Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page, and..
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now.
However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all......
(get ready, here it comes...)
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
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Today is Thursday, October 23, the 296th day of the year. There are 69 days left in the year.
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In 1885, in opposition to the fraudulently elected pro-slavery legislature of Kansas, the Kansas Free State forces set up a governor and legislature under their Topeka Constitution, a document that outlawed slavery in the territory.
In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.
In 1983, 241 U.S. service members, most of them Marines, were killed in a suicide truck bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon.
In 1993, Toronto Blue Jay Joe Carter won the world series for his team by hitting a ninth-inning home run over the Sky Dome's left field wall.
___________________________________________
Today---Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Senator Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 83, Director Philip Kaufman is 78, Soccer great Pele is 73 and Director Ang Lee is 60.
___________________________________________
October 23rd is: IPod Day, National Mole Day, National Pharmacy Technicians Day and Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....If I'm ever on a life support machine, unplug it. Then plug me back in and see if that works.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia......The Rock Island Bridge which crosses over the Cimarron River south of Ashland, Kansas, is the longest railroad bridge in Kansas.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----good one......
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.
He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.
He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.
___________________________________________
Today is Friday, October 24, the 297th day of the year. There are 68 days left in the year.
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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by the Western Union Telegraph Company.
In 1901, a 63-year-old school teacher named Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to take the plunge over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
In 1951, President Harry S. Truman proclaimed that the nation's war with Germany was officially over.
In 1992, the Toronto Blue Jays beat the Atlanta Braves in the sixth game of the World Series to win the championship.
___________________________________________
Today---Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 88, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 78, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 75, Director Martin Campbell is 71, Actor Kevin Kline is 67, Country musician Billy Thomas is 61 and Actor Doug Davidson is 60.
___________________________________________
October 24th is: Food Day, National Pharmacy Buyer Day, Wear It Pink Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.....If you can't say anything nice about someone, come sit by me and we'll make fun of them together.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia.....Most of the land in Kansas is privately owned. The largest public land is the Cimarron National Grasslands in the southwestern part of the state.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----no offense.....it's just a joke.....
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
___________________________________________
Today is Saturday, October 25, the 298th day of the year. There are 67 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1853, Paiute Indians attacked U.S. Army Captain John W. Gunnison and his party of 37 soldiers and railroad surveyors near Sevier, Utah, killing Gunnison and seven others.
In 1954, a meeting of President Dwight D. Eisenhower's Cabinet was broadcast live on radio and television; during the session, Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, just returned from Europe, reported on the agreements signed in Paris on the future of West Germany.
In 1964, The Rolling Stones made the first of six appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show."
In 1983, President Ronald Reagan, citing the threat posed to American nationals in Grenada, ordered the U.S. Marines to invade and secure their safety.
___________________________________________
Today------Actress Marion Ross is 86, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Knight is 74, Singer Helen Reddy is 73, Singer Jon Anderson (Yes) is 70 and Guitarist Glenn Tipton (Judas Priest) is 67.
___________________________________________
October 25th is: International Artists Day, Make A Difference Day, National Forgiveness Day, Pit Bull Awareness Day, Sourest Day and World Pasta Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......I may be old, but I got to see all the cool bands.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia......Wichita turns out 70 percent of the general aviation aircraft produced in the U.S.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's------signs that the wife is tired.....
* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!
* If you do write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!
___________________________________________
Today is Sunday, October 26, the 299th day of the year. There are 66 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1774, the First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.
In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River.
In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph. (The Pony Express completed its last run the next month.)
In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.
In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the Patriot Act, an anti-terrorism law drawn up in response to the 9/11 attacks.
___________________________________________
Today-----Actress Shelley Morrison is 78, Author Pat Conroy is 69, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 69, TV show host Pat Sajak is 68, Singer Bootsy Collins is 63, Actress Lauren Tewes is 61, Actor Roger Allam is 61, Actor James Pickens Jr. is 60 and Actor D.W. Moffett is 60.
___________________________________________
October 26th is: Howl At The Moon Night, Mother-In-Law Day, Mule Day (Historical), National Privacy Day, Visit A Cemetery Day and Xterra World Championships.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day....Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, neither do I.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia.....It is said that during the Civil War, Kansas suffered the highest rate of casualties of any Union state.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----hah.........
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
___________________________________________
Today is Monday, October 27, the 300th day of the year. There are 65 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1787, the first of the Federalist Paper, a series of essays calling for ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published.
In 1873, A De Kalb, Illinois, farmer named Joseph Glidden submitted an application to the U.S. Patent Office for a fencing wire with sharp barbs.
In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a U-2 reconnaissance aircraft was shot down while flying over Cuba, killing the pilot, U.S. Air Force Maj. Rudolf Anderson Jr.
In 1970, the double LP-album "Jesus Christ, Superstar" was released by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
In 2004, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918.
___________________________________________
Today----Actress Nanette Fabray is 94, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 75, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 72, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 68, Actor Tom Jackson is 66, Guitarist K.K. Downing (Judas Priest) is 63, Model Jayne Kennedy is 63, Actor Ted Wass is 62, Actor Roberto Benigni is 62 and Actor Robert Picardo is 61.
___________________________________________
October 27th is: Cranky Co-Workers Day, Navy Day and World Day For Audiovisual Heritage.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day.........ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) should be a convenience store, not a government agency.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia......The first airplane factory in Wichita was built in 1919.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's-----smart kids....
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. "What's the problem Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is," replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but just this once I'll let you unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."
BONUS......
When school opened for the year the teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun this summer."
Then she asked Paul, "What do I have to do to correct this?"
Paul said, "Get a boyfriend."
___________________________________________
Today is Tuesday, October 28, the 301st day of the year. There are 64 days left in the year.
___________________________________________
In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York harbor by President Grover Cleveland.
In 1962, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev informed the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of missile bases in Cuba.
In 1964, the "TAMI show," a two-day rock concert, opened in Santa Monica, California, filmed for theatrical release, featured performances by the Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, James Brown, Lesley Gore, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Marvin Gaye, The Rolling Stones and The Supremes.
In 1965, construction was completed on the Gateway Arch on the waterfront in St. Louis, Missouri.
In 1992, the 1,480-foot-long Leif Erickson Tunnel on I-35, which stretches from Mexico to Canada, was finished.
___________________________________________
Today-------Singer Cleo Laine is 87, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 78, Actress Jane Alexander is 75, Actor Dennis Franz is 70, Actress Telma Hopkins is 66, Olympic Gold Medalist Bruce Jenner is 65 and Actress Annie Potts is 62.
___________________________________________
October 28th is: National Chocolate Day and St. Jude's Day.
___________________________________________
Quip for the day......Irony: def. The opposite of wrinkly.
___________________________________________
A bit of trivia.....Kansas is the third largest wind energy supplier in the U.S.
___________________________________________
Larryj
Today's----punny.......
Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
and.....
Jack was talking to his friend Bill. He said, "I am going to get a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months."
Bill thought about this and said, "Maybe you should rethink this. Wives like that are hard to find."
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Today is Wednesday, October 29, the 302nd day of the year. There are 63 days left in the year.
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In 1858, the first store opened in a small frontier town in Colorado Territory that a month later would take the name of Denver in a shameless ploy to curry favor with Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver.
In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.
In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the start of America's Great Depression.
In 1966, The National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.
In 1971, Duane Allman, guitarist and leader of the Allman Brothers Band, was killed when he lost control of his motorcycle in Macon, Georgia, at age 24.
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Today-----Singer Melba Moore is 69, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 67 and Actress Kate Jackson is 66.
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October 29th is: Internet Day, National Cat Day and World Psoriasis Day.
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Quip for the day.......Just because I agree with you doesn't mean you're right. I just want you to shut up.
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A bit of trivia....Between 1857 and 1861, small detachments of Federal troops went into Southeast Kansas to keep the peace.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah........
In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. The left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.
A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.
Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing truck pull up again, one said to the other, "we sure are making good time."
Said the other, "yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"
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Today is Thursday, October 30, the 303rd day of the year. There are 62 days left in the year.
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In 1938, the radio play "The War Of The Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.
In 1945. The U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.
In 1953, Gen. George C. Marshall was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble In The Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.
In 1991, the so-called "Perfect Storm" hit the North Atlantic producing large waves along the New England and Canadian coasts.
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Today-----Journalist Robert Caro is 79, Coach Dick Vermeil is 78, Actor Dick Gautier is 77, Director Claude Lelouch is 77, Rock singer Grace Slick is 75, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 75, Singer Otis Williams is 73, Actor Henry Winkler is 68, Drummer Chris Slade (AC/DC) is 68, Bassist Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 67 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 63.
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October 30th is: Checklist Day, Create A Great Funeral Day, Devil's Night, International Bandanna Day and National Candy Corn Day.
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Quip for the day.......So when does this "old enough to know better" kick in?
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A bit of trivia.....The windiest city in the U.S. is Dodge City, Kansas. (Sorry Chicago)
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Larryj
Today's----late, kids school activities...
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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Today is Friday, October 31, the 304th day of the year. There are 61 days left in the year.
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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.
In 1926, Harry Houdini, celebrated magician and escape artist, died from peritonitis at age 52.
In 1950, 21-year-old Earl Lloyd became the first African-American to play in an NBA game.
In 1993, 22-year-old actor River Phoenix died from a drug overdose outside a Hollywood nightclub.
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Today-------Actress Lee Grant is 88, Actor Bud Spencer is 85, Astronaut Michael Collins is 84, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 83, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 72, Actor Brian Doyle-Murray is 69, Actress Deidre Hall is 67, Olympic gold medal long distance runner Frank Shorter is 67 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 64.
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October 31st is: Beggar's Night, Books For Treats Day, Day Of The Seven Billion, Girl Scout Founders Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Forgiveness Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day, National UNICEF Day and Frankenstein Friday.
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Quip for the day........I know right from wrong..........wrong is the fun one.
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A bit of trivia.......The USGS designated Mount Sunflower as the highest point in Kansas, although it is not a mountain, but a low hump.
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Larryj
Today's----smart kid......
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply.
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
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Today is November 1, the 305th day of the year. There are 60 days left in the year.
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In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.
In 1800, President John Adams moved into the newly constructed President's House, now known as the White House.
In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.
In 1950, Griselio Torresola and Oscar Collazo attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman at the Blair House in Washington, D.C. Truman escaped unscathed.
In 1952, the U.S. detonated the world's first thermonuclear weapon, the hydrogen bomb, on Eniwetok Atoll in the Pacific.
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Today---Golfer Gary Player is 79, Country singer Bill Anderson is 77, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt us 72, Football player Ted Hendricks is 67 and Actress Belita Moreno is 65.
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November 1st is: All Saints Day, Dia de Los Muertos, Extra Mile Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, International Games Day, National Authors' Day, National Family Caregiver Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, Prime Meridian Day, Sadie Hawkins Day, Digital Scrapbooking Day and World Vegan Day.
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Quip for the day......I don't like morning people.........or morning............or people.
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A bit of trivia......Between 1922 and 1927 in Kansas, there were several legal battles against the KKK resulting in their collapse in the state.
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Larryj
Today's------one of my favorites.....
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this badge? This badge says I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land and nobody or anything else can stop me."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams for help and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your badge!!"
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Today is Sunday, November 2, the 306th day of the year. There are 59 days left in the year.
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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, New Jersey.
In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules -- derisively dubbed "The Spruce Goose" by detractors -- on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.
In 1948, in the greatest upset in presidential election history, Democratic incumbent Harry S. Truman defeated Governor Thomas E. Dewey of New York.
In 1983, President Ronald Reagan signed a bill designating a federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr. to be observed on the third Monday in January.
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Today--Actress June Squibb is 85, Singer Jay Black (Jay Black and the Americans) is 76, Actress Stefanie Powers is 72, Author Shere Hite is 72, TV show host Michael Buffer is 70, Rock musician Keith Emerson (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 70 and Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 69.
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November 2nd is: All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, Daylight Saving Time Ends, International Day To End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Zero Tasking Day.
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Quip for the day.....Note to Self: Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.
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A bit of trivia.........Many Irish people resided in Boston in then Chatauqua County, Kansas.
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Larryj
Today's------Sorry to be late, had to go out of town for two days.....
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius? No way! It's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Today is/was Monday, November 3, the 307th day of the year. There are 58 days left in the year.
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In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Company was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant.
In 1941, the Combined Japanese Fleet received Top-Secret Order No. 1. In 34 days time, Pearl Harbor was to be bombed.
In 1954, the Japanese monster movie "Godzilla" was released by the Toho Company.
In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2, the second man-made satellite, into orbit; on board was a dog sacrificed in the experiment.
In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair came to light as a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.
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Today-----Actress Peggy McCay is 87, Actress Lois Smith is 84, Actress Monica Vitti is 83, Actor-Dance Ken Berry is 81, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 68,, Boxer Larry Holmes is 65, Voice actor Jim Cummings is 62, Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 62, Actress Kate Capshaw is 61, Comedian Dennis Miller is 61, Football player Phil Simms is 60 and Singer Adam Ant is 60.
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November 3rd is: Cliche' Day, Fill Our Staplers Day, Sandwich Day, Traffic Directors Day and Job Action Day.
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Quip for the day......If you really love someone.........let them sleep.
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A bit of trivia......You know you are in Kansas when your neighbor is more than a mile away and you can still see him from your front porch.
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Larryj
Today's-----remember this one?......
A guy visits an Indian reservation and is introduced to a very old Indian with an amazing memory. So the guy asks him, "What did you have for breakfast 15 years ago today?"
The old Indian says, "Eggs, bacon and toast."
The guy thinks this is a joke. Everyone has had eggs, bacon and toast. The old Indian is nothing but a fake.
Ten years later, the guy visits the same reservation and is amazed to see that the old Indian is still alive.
He runs up to him, raises his hand, and says, "How."
The old Indian says, "Scrambled."
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Today is Tuesday, November 4, the 308th day of the year. There are 57 days left in the year.
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In 1862, inventor Richard J. Gatling received a U.S. patent for his rapid-fire Gatling gun.
In 1879, the cowboy philosopher and humorist, Will Rogers, was born on a ranch in Cherokee Indian Territory in Oklahoma.
In 1922, 10 days of extremely heavy rain in New England led to flooding that killed 200 people and caused millions of dollars in damages.
In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some, it was the start of 444 days of captivity.
In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, California.
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Today----Baseball player Dick Groat is 84, Actress Doris Roberts is 84, Actress Loretta Swit is 77, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 68, Actress Markie Post is 64 and Rock musician Chris Difford (Squeeze) is 60.
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November 4th is: National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Election Day.
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Quip for the day.....Lazy Rule #1: Can't reach it, don't need it.
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A bit of trivia......The flag of Kansas was designed in 1925. It was officially adopted by the State Legislature in 1927 and modified in 1961 when the word "Kansas" was added.
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You know you are in Kansas when traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.......
"What's this daily charge for 'fruit'? The hotel guess asked the manager. "We didn't eat any."
"But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn't our fault you didn't take advantage of it."
"I see," said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.
"What are you doing"? Sputtered the manager.
"I'm subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife."
"What? I didn't kiss your wife."
"Ah," replied the man, "but she was there."
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Today is Wednesday, November 5, the 309th day of the year. There are 56 days left in the year.
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In 1862, in Minnesota, more than 300 Santee Sioux were found guilty of raping and murdering Anglo settlers and were sentenced to hang.
In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to cast a vote for President Ulysses S. Grant.
In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Willkie.
In 1994, Former President Ronald Reagan disclosed he had Alzheimer's Disease.
In 1994, George Foreman became boxing's oldest heavyweight champion at age 45.
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Today----Actress Elke Sommer is 74, Singer Art Garfunkel is 73, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 71, Singer Peter Noone (Herman's Hermits) is 67 and Basketball player Bill Walton is 62.
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November 5th is: Guy Fawkes Night and Gunpowder Day.
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Quip for the day.....Out of all the lies I've told, just kidding is my favorite.
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You know you are in Kansas when the main drag is two blocks long.
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Larryj
Today's-------how true....
YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
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Today is Thursday, November 5, the 310th day of the year. There are 55 days left in the year.
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In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.
In 1934, Nebraska voters approved dissolving their two-chamber legislature in favor of a non-partisan single legislative body, which was implemented in 1937.
In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios back-lot was destroyed in an arson fire.
In 2012, President Barack Obama was elected to a second term of office.
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Today--Director Mike Nichols is 83, Actress Sally Field is 68, Guitarist Glenn Frey (Eagles) is 66 and Jazz trumpeter Arturo Sandoval is 65.
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November 6th is: International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict, National Men Make Dinner Day, National Nachos Day and Saxophone Day.
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Quip for the day.........Sarcastic comment....loading.......please wait.
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A bit of trivia......The lowest point in Kansas is on the Verdigris River at the Oklahoma border at 684 feet.
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You know you're in Kansas when down South means Oklahoma.
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Larryj
Today's------funny.....
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's dead.
Brother 1: He's dead? What do you mean he's dead? I loved that cat! Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, well, we found her, but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive. I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
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Today is Friday, November 7, the 311th day of the year. There are 54 days left in the year.
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In 1916, Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.
In 1940, only four months after its completion, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapsed.
In 1962, Republican Richard M. Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."
In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died at age 50 in Mexico where he was undergoing an experimental treatment for cancer.
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Today---Evangelist Billy Graham is 96, Singer Johnny Rivers is 72, Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 71 and TV show host Jon Taffer is 60.
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November 7th is: National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day and National Medical Science Liason Awareness And Appreciation Day.
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Quip for the day....When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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A bit of trivia.......In 1804, an expedition led by Zebulon Pike explored Kansas and was not impressed with the territory's dry soil, calling the area "unfit for civilization" and "uninhabitable by those depending on agriculture for their subsistence."
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You know you're in Kansas when you see people wearing bib overalls to funerals and weddings.
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Larryj
Today's------one of my favorites......
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."
"Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen."
"And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top."
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "I knew you should have wrote it down. You forgot my toast!"
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Today is Saturday, November 8, the 312th day of the year. There are 53 days left in the year.
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In 1887, Doc Holliday - gunslinger, gambler and occasional dentist - died from tuberculosis.
In 1950, during the Korean War, the first jet-plane battle took place as U.S. Air Force Lt. Russell J. Brown shot down a North Korean MIG-15.
In 1960, John F. Kennedy became the youngest man ever to be elected president of the United States.
In 1994, California voters approved Proposition 187, designed to deny education and social services and non-emergency health care to illegal immigrants. The proposition was later declared unconstitutional.
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Today------Actor Norman Lloyd is 100, Comedian Ken Dodd is 87, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 83, Actor Alain Delon is 79, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 65, TV personality Mary Hart is 64 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 62.
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November 8th is: Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, Dunce Day, National Parents As Teachers Day and X-Ray Day.
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Quip for the day.....Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean.........against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
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A bit of trivia........the site of Wichita was first settled in 1864 when J.R. Mead opened a trading post there.
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You know you are in Kansas when you and all oncoming cars wave to each other.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
A new doctor came to town claiming to be able to cure anybody of anything. The town's old grouchy citizen decided to test this "miracle" doctor.
He said to the doc, "I can't taste anything."
The doctor scratched his head and thought for a while, then said, "You need a dose from Jar No. 43."
The old man took a taste and spit the terrible tasting stuff out. He said, "That tastes terrible." The doctor said, "I've cured you."
A month later, the old man thought he could get the doctor. He said, "I can't seem to remember anything."
The doctor scratched his head and thought for a while, then said, "You need a dose from Jar No. 43."
The old man ran out of the office.
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Today is Sunday, November 9, the 313th day of the year. There are 52 days left in the year.
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In 1620, the Mayflower crew sighted Cape Cod.
In 1872, a fire in Boston destroyed hundreds of buildings and killed 14 people.
In 1875, Indian inspector E.C. Watkins submitted a report to Washington, D.C., stating that hundreds of Sioux and Cheyenne Indians associated with Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse were hostile to the U.S.
In 1965, power failures led to the great Northeast blackout. For 13 1/2 hours, 30 million people in seven states and part of Canada had no power.
In 1989, Communist East Germany opened its borders. Citizens traveled freely. Germans danced atop the Berlin Wall.
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Today---Baseball Hall-of-Famer Whiter Herzog is 83, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 79, Actor Charlie Robinson is 69, Actor Robert David Hall is 66 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 63.
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November 9th is: World Freedom Day.
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Quip for the day.......When I was a kid.........No wait, I still do that.
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A bit of trivia......There are currently 528 caves and still counting officially identified in Kansas.
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You know you are in Kansas when every other mile you see a grain elevator instead of a Starbucks.
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Larryj
Today's------stupid criminal joke day....
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.
"The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
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Today is Monday, November 10, the 314th day of the year. There are 51 days left in the year.
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In 1775, the Continental Congress authorized the forming of what would become the United States Marines.
In 1808, in a decision that would eventually make them one of the wealthiest surviving Indian nations, the Osage Indians agreed to abandon their lands in Missouri and Arkansas in exchange for a reservation in Oklahoma.
In 1951, direct-dialed long-distance phone service began as Englewood, N.J., Mayor M. Leslie Denning called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without operator assistance.
In 1958, Conway Twitty scored his very first #1 hit on the pop charts with the Rock and Roll ballad "It's only make believe."
In 1969, "Sesame Street" debuted on National Educational Television (later PBS.)
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Today-----Author W.E.B. Griffin is 85, Fashion Designer Lilly Pulitzer is 83, Actor Albert Hall is 77, Composer Tim Rice is 70, Country Singer Donna Fargo* is 69 and Musician Gregg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 67.
(* Donna Fargo was head of the English Department at our local High School, Northview High School, where both of my children went to school. She had already left for her musical career before my children went there.)
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November 10th is: Area Code Day, Marine Corps Birthday, Sesame Street Day, Windows Day, World Orphans Day and World Science Day For Peace and Development.
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Quip for the day......I'm still kind of mad they never actually told us how to get to Sesame Street.
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A bit of trivia......The town of Cave Springs began in 1875 as a health resort in 1875, but failed when people began questioning the springs' healing properties. The town was officially vacated in 1949.
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You know you are in Kansas when it takes three hours to go to the store for one item even when you are in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
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Larryj
Larry, I know you are just the messenger, but the historian/geographer in me feels the need to correct a fallacy in the 'This day in history' portion of todays post. The 1808 treaty with the Osage did not result in their removal to a reservation in what is now Oklahoma.
The Treaty of Fort Clark (also known as the Treaty with the Osage or the Osage Treaty) was signed at Fort Osage (then called Fort Clark) on November 10, 1808. The land ceded was described as:
Beginning at fort Clark, on the Missouri, five miles above Fire Prairie, and running thence a due south course to the river Arkansas, and down the same to the Mississippi; hereby ceding and relinquishing forever to the United States, all the lands which lie east of the said line, and north of the southwardly bank of the said river Arkansas, and all lands situated northwardly of the river Missouri.
Ft. Clark was where Sibley, MO is now, about ten miles northeast of Independence. This treaty left the Osage in possession of the biggest part of what became the westernmost row of Missouri counties south of the Missouri River, as well as a portion of what became Arkansas, plus their historical lands in what is now Kansas and Oklahoma.
Successive treaties in 1815 and 1825 left the Osage with a strip of land fifty miles wide north and south across what is now southern Kansas. The NE corner of this strip is a spot about two miles north and a half east of the southeast corner of Allen county. The NW corner of this strip is five miles west and one north of downtown Dodge City. The Osage held title to this reservation until two treaties in 1867 and 1870, the later of which resulted in their final move, to what is now Osage County Oklahoma.
Thanks, Flint.
Today's----another favorite....
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule
stumbled.
"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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Today is Tuesday, November 11, the 315th day of the year. There are 50 days left in the year.
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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick."
In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.
In 1921, three years after the end of World War I, the Tomb of the Unknowns was dedicated at Arlington Cemetery in Virginia during an Armistice Day ceremony.
In 1933, a powerful windstorm stripped the topsoil from desiccated farmlands in South Dakota. Within two days, dust from the storm reached all the way to Albany, New York.
In 1978, a stuntman on the Georgia set of "The Dukes Of Hazard" launched the show's iconic automobile, a 1969 Dodge Charger named the General Lee, off a dirt ramp and over a police car. That jump totaled the car, but the scene was shown in every episode and made TV history.
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Today-----Jazz-singer musician Mose Allison is 87, Actress Bibi Anderson is 79, Author Peg Kehret is 78, Country singer Narvel Felts is 76, Americana Roots singer/songwriter Chris Smither is 70, Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 63 and Actor Marc Summers is 63.
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November 11th is: Death/Duty Day, National Young Readers Day, Origami Day and Veterans Day.
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Quip for the day.......Well, another day has passed and I didn't use algebra once.
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A bit of trivia.......the Oregon Trail passed through six states including Kansas. There were no Indian attacks reported on the trail in Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when someone's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of their forehead.
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Larryj
Today's-----smart kid.....
The teacher said, "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
"What's the matter?," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied.
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Today is Wednesday, November 12, the 316th day of the year. There are 49 days left in the year.
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In 1936, the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opened as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a telegraph key in Washington, D.C., giving the green light to traffic.
In 1954, Ellis Island, gateway to America, shut its doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since opening in 1892.
In 1981, Actor William Holden died at age 63 in his home in Santa Monica, California.
In 1987, the American Medical Association issued a policy statement saying it was unethical for a doctor to refuse to treat someone solely because that person had AIDS or was HIV-positive.
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Today------Actor Wallace Shawn is 71, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 70 and Singer Neil Young (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 69.
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Quip for the day......Someone called me lazy today..........I almost responded.
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A bit of trivia.....Second only to Texas, there have been more meteorites found in Kansas than any other state west of the Mississippi River.
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You know you're from Kansas when the question "KU or K-State?" can make or break a relationship.
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Larryj
Today's-----what her words really mean......
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Today is Thursday, November 13, the 317th day of the year. There are 48 days left in the year.
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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
In 1849, voters in California ratified the state's original constitution.
In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age from 21 to 18.
In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.
In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.
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Today------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 92, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 80, Producer-director Garry Marshall is 80, Actor Tom Atkins is 79, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 73, Country singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is 68, Actor Joe Mantegna is 67, Actor Art Malik is 62, Actress Francis Conroy is 61 and Actor Chris Noth is 60.
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November 13th is: World Kindness Day.
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Quip for the day......I see absolutely no reason to act my age.
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A bit of trivia.........Kansas won the award for the most beautiful license plate in 1981. It was the wheat plate design that won.
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You know you're from Kansas when you can remember KKRD.
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Larryj
Today's----computer help....
Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User.
(KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Today is Friday, November 14, the 318th day of the year. There are 47 days left in the year.
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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the U.S.
In 1882, gunslinger Franklin "Buckskin" Leslie shot Billy "The Kid" Claibourne dead in the streets of Tombstone, Arizona.
In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.
In 1972, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time, ending the day at 1,003.16.
In 1990, it was revealed that the pop duo Milli Vanilli had done none of the singing on their Grammy-winning debut album "Girl You Know Its True."
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Today----Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 67, Singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeco is 67, Britain's Prince Charles is 66, Guitarist James Young (Styx) is 65, Voice actor Bill Farmer is 62 and Composer Yanni is 60.
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November 14th is: International Girls Day, Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Spicy Guacamole Day, National Pickle Day, Operating Room Nurse Day, Spirit Of National Speaker Association Day and World Diabetes Day.
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Quip for the day......Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being me.
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A bit of trivia....the above mentioned voice actor Bill Farmer, the voice of Goofy, Pluto and Horace Horsecollar, was born in Pratt, Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when you break out in a sweat at 7:00 AM on an August day.
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Larryj
Today's----a few politically correct phrases......
He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED..
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
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Today is Saturday, November 15, the 319th day of the year. There are 46 days left in the year.
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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.
In 1806, during his second exploratory expedition, Zebulon Pike spotted the mountain which was later named in his honor.
In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.
In 1956, Love Me Tender, featuring the singer Elvis Presley in his big screen debut, premiered in New York City at the Paramount Theater.
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Today-------Judge Joseph Wapner is 95, Actor Ed Asner is 85, Singer Petula Clark is 82, Comedian Jack Burns is 81, Actress Joanna Barnes is 80, Actor Sam Waterston is 74, Actor Bob Gunton is 69, Singer Frida Lyngstad (ABBA) is 69, Journalist Bob Beckel is 66 and Singer Alexander O'Neal is 61.
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November 15th is: America Recycles Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt Pan Day, National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, National Day Of Play, National Philanthropy Day, Guiness World Record Day and Rock Your Mocs Day.
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Quip for the day....6 out 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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A bit of trivia......The first train come through Kansas in 1860.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see kids driving tractors before they are old enough to drive cars.
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Larryj
Today's----good one.....
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side and the preacher was driving straight and true.
All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.
He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"
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Today is Sunday, November 16, the 320th day of the year. There are 45 days left in the year.
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In 1907, the Indian Territory and Oklahoma Territory collectively entered the United States as Oklahoma, the 46th state.
In 1914, the newly created Federal Reserve Banks opened in 12 cities.
In 1939, mob boss Al Capone was released from prison after serving 7 1/2 years for tax evasion and failure to file tax returns.
In 1959, The Sound Of Music opened on Broadway.
In 2004, President George W. Bush picked National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to be his new secretary of state, succeeding Colin Powell.
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Today----Actor Clu Gulager is 86, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 75, Actress Joanna Petter is 72, Actor Steve Railsback is 69, Basketball player Jojo White is 68, Actor David Leisure is 64 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 63.
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November 16th is: International Day For Tolerance, National Button Day and World Day Of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims.
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Quip for the day.......I'm not lazy. I just really enjoy doing nothing.
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A bit of trivia.......Baseball Hall-of-Fame pitcher Walter Perry Johnson was born in Humboldt, Kansas, in 1887.
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You know you're in Kansas when using an elevator involves a wheat truck.
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Larryj
Today's----going to the doctor today....needed a doctor joke for her........
Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
"I'll tell her if you like," said the doctor. "I'll lead up to it gradually."
The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady's bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation 'round to money. "Tell me Mrs. Parkinson," he said, "what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?"
"Half a million?" said the old lady reflectively, "well you've always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I'd give half of it to you."
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.
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Today is Monday, November 17, the 321st day of the year. There are 44 days left in the year.
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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.
In 1856, the United States increased its control over the Gadsden Purchase with the establishment of Fort Buchanan on the Sonoita River in Arizona.
In 1958, the Kingston Trio's "Tom Dooley" hit #1 on the pop music charts.
In 1970, the court martial of Lt. William Calley who led his men on a massacre at My Lai village in Vietnam, began.
In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida, "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
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Today----Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 76, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 72, Actress Lauren Hutton is 71, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 70, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels is 70 and Baseball player Tom Seaver is 70.
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November 17th is: Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Petroleum Day and World Prematurity Day.
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Quip for the day......I've decided I no longer want to be an adult. If anyone needs me I'll be in my blanket fort coloring.
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A bit of trivia....John Cameron Swayze (the man who's Timex watch "took a licking, but kept on ticking") was born in Wichita in 1906.
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You know you're in Kansas when you run the heater in the morning and the A/C in the afternoon.
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Larryj
Today's---old favorite.....
Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga.
The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up.
The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up.
The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said, "Ok, death by Unga Bunga."
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Today is Tuesday, November 18, the 322nd day of the year. There are 43 days left in the year.
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In 1883, at exactly noon on this day, American and Canadian railroads began using four continental time zones to end the confusion of dealing with thousands of local times.
In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York City.
In 1963, the Bell System introduced the first commercial touch-tone telephone system in Carnegie and Greensburg, Pennsylvania.
In 1966, Sandy Koufax, the ace for the Los Angeles Dodgers, announced his retirement at age 30.
In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif., and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.
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Today----Actress Susan Sullivan is 72, Actress Linda Evans is 72, Author Jeremy Strong is 65, Singer Graham Parker is 64, Actor Dennis Haskins is 64 and Comedian Kevin Nealon is 61.
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November 18th is: European Antibiotic Awareness Day, Married To A Scorpio Support Day, National Entrepreneurship Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push-Button Phone Day.
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Quip for the day....I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.
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A bit of trivia......Kansas businessmen Walter Anderson and E.W. "Billy" Ingram opened the first White Castle Restaurant in Wichita in 1921. Although there are many White Castle Restaurants in the Midwest, there are supposedly none left in Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when you go to the bank for the second time ever to make a deposit and they don't need ID because they know you.
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Larryj
Today's---saw this and had to post......
There were three Kansans who had grown up together, but only one of them still lived in Kansas, farming into his old age just as his father and grandfather had done.
The two others had moved away, one to Colorado and the other to California.
As death approached them, they decided on a reunion, at which they decided to just go ahead and be cremated together.
After eight hours in the crematorium furnace, there was nothing left of the Coloradan. By half a day, the Californian had a gorgeous tan. But on the third day, when the oven door was opened, the Kansan sat up and stretched.
"Another day of this good heat," he said, "and we'll harvest the wheat."
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Today is Wednesday, November 19, the 323rd day of the year. There are 42 days left in the year.
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln paid tribute to the fallen from the Battle of Gettysburg as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.
In 1919, the Senate rejected the Treaty of Versailles.
In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.
In 1975, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, starring Jack Nicholson, opened in theaters.
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Today----Actor Alan Young is 95, Talk show host Larry King is 81, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 78, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 76, Actor Dan Haggerty is 73, Fashion Designer Calvin Klein is 72 and Football player Ahmad Rashad is 65.
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November 19th is: American-made Matters Day, Equal Opportunity Day, Geographic Information Systems Day, Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, National Educational Support Professionals Day, Rocky And Bullwinkle Day, Women's Entrepreneurship Day and World Toilet Day.
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Quip for the day.....I have a feeling my CHECK LIVER light may come on this weekend.
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A bit of trivia........Among the signatories on the Wichita town charter was the town laundry operator, Catherine "The Widow" McCarty, whose eldest son, after leaving Wichita, would become the famous gunman "Billy The Kid."
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You know you're in Kansas when the birds have to use pot holders to get worms out of the ground.
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Larryj
Today's-----twofer day......
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."
And,
A man bought two goldfish. He named the first "one" and the other "two."
He did this because if one died, he would still have two. (Groan.)
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Today is Thursday, November 20, the 324th day of the year. There are 41 days left in the year.
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In 1789, New Jersey ratified the Bill of Rights becoming the first state to do so.
In 1843, established as the Blacksnake trading post in 1826, the growing community on the banks of the Missouri River adopted the more impressive St. Joseph as its name.
In 1923, the U.S. Patent Office issued a patent to 46-year-old inventor and newspaperman Garret Morgan for his three position traffic signal.
In 1955, Bo Diddley introduced himself and his namesake beat to the world with his TV debut on the Ed Sullivan Show.
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Today-----TV actor Mark Miller is 89, Singer Kaye Ballard is 89, Comedian Dick Smothers is 75, Vice President Joe Biden is 72, Voice actor Robert Costanzo is 72, Actress Veronica Hamel is 71, Producer Joe Walsh is 67 and Voice actor Rodger Bumpass is 63.
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November 20th is: African Industrialization Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Great American Smokeout, Name Your PC Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day, Universal Children's Day and Use Less Stuff Day.
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Quip for the day......Dear Alcohol: We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer...............I saw the video................we need to talk.
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A bit of trivia......The Graham cracker was named after a native of Kansas, Reverend Sylvester Graham.
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You know you're in Kansa when those same birds use an ice pick in the winter.
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Larryj
Today's---good one.......
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Today is Friday, November 21, the 325th day of the year. There are 40 days left in the year.
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In 1877, Thomas Edison announced the invention of his phonograph, a way to record and play back sound.
In 1922, Rebecca Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.
In 1934, the Cole Porter musical "Anything Goes," starring Ethel Merman as Reno Sweeney, opened on Broadway.
In 1964, the upper level of New York's Verrazano Narrows Bridge, connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island, was opened.
In 1980, 87 people died in a fire at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.
In 1980, 350 million people worldwide tuned in to television's popular prime time drama "Dallas" to find out who shot J.R.
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Today-----Actor Joseph Campanella is 90, Actress Marlo Thomas is 77, Actor Rick Lenz is 75, Singer Dr. John is 74, Actress Juliet Mills is 73, Basketball player Earl Monroe is 70, Actress Goldie Hawn is 69, Movie director Andrew Davis is 68 and Actress Lorna Luft is 62.
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November 21st is: Alascattalo Day, Beaujolais Nouveau Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.
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Quip for the day.....The police never think it's as funny as you do.
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A bit of trivia....A purpose of the Kansas-Nebraska Act was to open the area to the transcontinental railway. Pioneers stated that Kansas had nothing to offer but flat land, no trees and snakes.
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You know you're in Kansas if you find yourself on a one lane road that continues to go in one direction and you can't get off.
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Larryj
Today's---an old favorite...
One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed a young boy was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning, Pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the Pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
The young man's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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Today is Saturday, November 22, the 326th day of the year. There are 39 days left in the year.
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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.
In 1928, "Bolero" by Maurice Ravel had its premiere at the Paris Opera.
In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas; Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded. Suspected gunman Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.
In 1975, the pop group KC and the Sunshine Band earned their second #1 hit with "That's the way I like it."
In 1988, Northrop introduced it's B-2 "Stealth" bomber at a facility in Palmdale, California.
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Today----Actor Robert Vaughn is 82, Director Terry Gilliam is 74, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 73 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billie Jean King is 71.
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November 22nd is: Humane Society Anniversary Day, Family Volunteer Day, International Aura Awareness Day, National Adoption Day and National Survivors Of Suicide Day.
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Quip for the day.......I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to catch up.
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A bit of trivia.......The Battle of Mine Creek, which occurred in 1864 a few miles south of Pleasanton, was the only Civil War battle fought in Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when you think an F-3 is a mild wind storm.
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Larryj
Today's-------and another one....
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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Today is Sunday, November 23, the 327th day of the year. There are 38 days left in the year.
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In 1765, Frederick County, Maryland, became the first colonial entity to repudiate the British Stamp Act.
In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco at the Palais Royale Saloon.
In 1903, Enrico Caruso made his American debut at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York, appearing in "Rigoletto."
In 1914, the seven-month U.S. military occupation of Vera Cruz, Mexico, ended.
In 1936, the first issue of the pictorial magazine Life as published, featuring a cover photo of the Fort Peck Dam by Margaret Bourke-White.
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Today----Composer Johnny Mandell is 89, Baseball player Luis Tiant is 74, Actor Franco Nero is 73, Actress Susan Anspach is 72, Soap opera actress Sue Nicholls is 71, Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas is 70, Actor-comedy writer Bruce Vilanch is 67 and singer Bruce Hornsby is 60.
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November 23rd is: Doctor Who Day, Fibonacci Day, International Image Consultant Day and Mother Goose Day.
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Quip for the day......Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person......but then I laugh and continue on with my day.
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A bit of trivia......Situated in a bank in Norton, Kansas, is the "They Also Ran" gallery of those who lost their bid for the U.S. presidency, including Thomas Jefferson who lost to John Adams in 1796.
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You know you're in Kansas when the grain elevator is the tallest structure in town.
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Larry
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Today's-------and another.....
A man and his young son were standing in the check-out line at Walmart. In front of them was a rather heavy set woman. The boy said to his dad, "Wow! Dad, look how fat that lady is!"
The father shushed the boy and said, "You need to mind your manners. It is not nice to make comments such as that."
The boy said, "But, Dad, she's really huge."
The father shushed him again and warned him to keep his mouth shut.
Then the woman's beeper went off.
The boy screamed, "Look out, Dad! She's backing up!"
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Today is Monday, November 24, the 328th day of the year. There are 37 days left in the year.
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In 1849, John Froelich, the inventor of the first internal-combustion traction motor, or tractor, was born in Girard, Iowa.
In 1963, Jack Ruby fatally shot Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy.
In 1969, U.S. Army officials announced that Lt. William Calley will be court-martialed for the premeditated murder of 107 civilians at My Lai.
In 1971, a hijacker calling himself "Dan Cooper" (also known as "D.B. Cooper) parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over the Pacific Northwest after receiving $200,000 in ransom. His fate remains unknown.
In 1993, Mrs. Doubtfire, starring Robin Williams, opened in theaters.
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Today-----Basketball player Oscar Robinson is 76, Musician Pete Best (original drummer for the Beatles) is 73, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 72, Basketball player Dave Bing is 71 and Actor Dwight Shultz is 67.
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November 24th is: Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day and D.B. Cooper Day.
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Quip for the day.....That's it! Whoever is in charge of keeping me from doing stupid stuff is fired!
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A bit of trivia.......Californians are the largest consumers of turkey.
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You know you're in Kansas when your car stays filthy because of dirt roads and you never buy a dark car for just that reason.
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Larryj
Today's---------I always liked this one.....
The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Mexico to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there were bruises on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?"
His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is a piñata?"
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Today is Tuesday, November 25, the 329th day of the year. There are 36 days left in the year.
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In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Confederate agents sat a series of arson fires in New York; the blazes were quickly extinguished.
In 1950, the so-called "Storm of the Century" hit the eastern part of the United States, killing hundreds and causing millions of dollars in damages.
In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower suffered a slight stroke.
In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.
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Today-----Actress Kathryn Crosby is 81, Actor Matt Clark is 78, Signer Percy Sledge is 74, Coach Joe Gibbs is 74, Author-actor-economist Ben Stein is 70, Author Marc Brown is 68, Actor John Larroquette is 67, Actor Tracy Walter is 67 and Author Charlene Harris is 63.
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November 25th is: International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against Women, International Hat Day, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day
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Quip for the day......from FB.......Thanksgiving is that time of the year when all of your dysfunctional family gathers in one place and you hope nobody calls the police.
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A bit of trivia.....the Long Branch Saloon really did exist in Dodge City. One of the owners, William Harris, was a former resident of Long Branch, New Jersey, and named the saloon after his hometown in the 1880's.
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You are in Kansas when you are aware of what a chigger is.
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Larryj
Today's--------instructions for tomorrow....
How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
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Today is Wednesday, November 26, the 330th day of the year. There are 35 days left in the year.
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In 1789, this was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.
In 1864, English mathematician and writer Charles Dodgson presented a handwritten and illustrated manuscript "Alice's Adventures Under Ground," to his 12-year-old friend Alice Pleasance Liddell; the book was later revised into "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."
In 1898, a powerful winter storm battered the New England coast killing at least 450 people in New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts.
In 1931, the first cloverleaf interchange to be built in the U.S., at the junction of NJ Rt. 25 (now U.S. Rt. 1) and NJ Rt. 4 (now NJ Rt. 35) in Woodbridge, New Jersey, was featured on the cover of the weeks issue of Engineering News-Record.
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill officially establishing the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.
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Today------Comedian Rich Little is 76, Singer Tina Turner is 75, Actress Olivia Cole is 72, Singer Jean Terrell is 70, Actor Daniel Davis is 69, Pop musician John McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 69, Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 66 and Football player Harry Carson is 61.
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November 26th is: Tie One On Day.
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Quip for the day...If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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A bit of trivia......Turkeys have heart attacks. The USAF was conducting test flights breaking the sound barrier. Nearby turkeys dropped dead from heart attacks.
And......the coldest day recorded in Kansas was -40 degrees Fahrenheit at Lebanon of Feb. 3, 1904.
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You know you're in Kansas when you learn to drive with two fingers.
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Larryj
Today's------Happy Thanksgiving....fun things to do.....
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.
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Today is Thursday, November 27, the 331st day of the year. There are 34 days left in the year.
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In 1868, without bothering to identify the identity of a Cheyenne Indian village, Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer led an early morning attack on the band of peaceful Indians, who were not involved with raids into Kansas and Oklahoma.
In 1924, Macy's first Thanksgiving Day parade -- billed as a "Christmas Parade" -- took place in New York.
In 1953, Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65.
In 1962, the first Boeing 727 was rolled out at the company's Renton Plant.
In 1978, Former Board of Supervisors member Dan White murdered Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk at City Hall in San Francisco.
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Today---Academy Ward-winning director Kathryn Bigelow is 63 and Actor Curtis Armstrong is 61.
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November 27th is: National Day Of Mourning, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day.
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Quip for the day......The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
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A bit of trivia.....In Chase County, Kansas, there is a one mile notch on the Southwest corner adjoining Marion County. A murder had occurred and Marion County didn't want to have the trial so a section one mile wide and eighteen miles long was ceded to Chase County to ensure the murder had occurred there.
(working on exactly what happened, but no luck so far.)
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You know you're in Kansas when you can't see the other end of the wheat field.
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Larryj
Today's---football weekend.......
The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."
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Today is Friday, November 28, the 332nd day of the year. There are 33 days left in the year.
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In 1895, piloting a gas-powered "horseless carriage," Frank Duryea won the first motor car race in the U.S.
In 1925, The Grand Ole Opry began broadcasting from Nashville, Tennessee.
In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course toward Mars, which it flew past in July 1965, sending back pictures of the Red Planet.
In 1964, the Shangri-Las scored a #1 hit with "Leader Of The Pack."
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Today-----Music Executive Barry Gordy Jr. is 85, Author Avery Corman is 79, Football player Paul Warfield is 72, Musician-composer Paul Shaffer is 65, Actor Ed Harris is 64, Former NASA Teacher In Space Barbara Morgan is 63 and Actress S. Epatha Merkerson is 62.
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November 28th is: Black Friday, Fur Free Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day Of Listening, National Native American Heritage Day, Sinkie, or Sink Day and You're Welcomegiving Day.
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Quip for the day......I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.
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A bit of trivia....Kansas has the largest population of grouse, or prairie chicken, in North America.
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You know you're in Kansas when you actually know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.
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(Note: We will be out of town so tomorrow the entry may be very late or not at all.)
Larryj
Today's----better late than never......
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Today is/was Saturday, November 29, the 333rd day of the year. There are 32 days left in the year.
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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.
In 1942, coffee joined the list of items rationed in the United States.
In 1964, the U.S. Roman Catholic Church instituted the partial use of English instead of Latin.
In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.
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November 29th is/was: Electronics Greetings Day, International Day Of Solidarity With The Palestinian People, National Day Of Giving, Small Business Saturday and Square Dancing Day.
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Quip for the day.....Every great idea I have gets me in trouble.
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A bit of trivia......Dr. John R. Brinkley started the first radio station in Kansa -- KFKB (Kansas First, Kansas Best.)
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You know you're in Kansas when you can go to a shopping mall and say, "I remember when there was a hay field here."
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Larryj
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Today's---hah.......
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
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Today is Sunday, November 30, the 334th day of the year. There are 31 days left in the year.
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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.
In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.
In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, Missouri.
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Today----Actor Robert Guillaume is 87, Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 84, Movie director Ridley Scott is 77, Movie writer-director Terrence Malick is 71 and Actor Mandy Patinkin is 62.
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November 30th is: Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.
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Quip for the day......My bucket list: 1. Beer. 2. Ice.
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A bit of trivia....Plains Indians of the Macro-Siouan group originally populated what is now Kansas; their speech echoes in such place-names as Kansas, Wichita, Topeka, Chetopah and Ogallah.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Kechi, Olathe, Chatauqua and Osawatomie.
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Larryj
Today's-----of course....
After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.
"Say," Peter said, "How's it going?"
Bill said, "Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what's today's date?"
"July seventh."
"Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue...."
"Let me guess," Peter interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race and he won!"
Bill sighed. "No. He came in seventh."
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Today is Monday, December 1, the 335th day of the year. There are 30 days left in the year.
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In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay. Adams ended up the winner.
In 1913, Henry Ford installed the first moving assembly line for the mass production of his automobile.
In 1955, in Montgomery, Alabama, Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give her seat on the bus to a white man.
In 1974, two tragedies involving Boeing 727s occurred on this day. TWA Flight 514 crashed in Virginia, killing all 92 people on board. Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 6231, chartered to pick up the Baltimore Colts in Buffalo, New York, crashed near Stony Point, New York, with the loss of its three crew members.
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Today----Singer Billy Paul is 79, Actor-director Woody Allen is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 75, Drummer John Densmore (The Doors) is 70, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 69, Actor Keith Thibodeaux is 64 and Actor Treat Williams is 63.
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December 1st is: Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, World AIDS Day and Cyber Monday.
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Quip for the day.....I'm starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
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A bit of trivia......"Old Sacramento" was a cannon from the Battle of Sacramento, at Chihuahua, Mexico, during the Mexican-American War. Col. Doniphan was in command of Kansas troops in that battle. The cannon was later used in the Battle of Hickory Point in Kansas during the Bleeding Kansas days.
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You know you're in Kansas when you're ready to shoot the next person that asks you about Dorothy and Toto.
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Larryj
(I have no clue to what happened to yesterday's entry. I put it in. Maybe I didn't hit post. Maybe my nap started early. Maybe I'm computer illiterate. Anyway, sorry.)
Today's-----good one......
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
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Today is Wednesday, December 3, the 337th day of the year. There are 28 days left in the year.
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In 1818, Illinois became the 21st state of the Union.
In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio -- the first truly coeducational school of higher learning in the United States -- began holding classes.
In 1925, George Gershwin's Concerto in F had its world premiere at New York's Carnegie Hall, with Gershwin at the piano.
In 1947, "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tennessee Williams and starring Marlon Brando, opened on Broadway.
In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa, led by Dr. Christiaan Bernard performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.
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Today----Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 84, Actress Mary Alice is 73, Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 66 and Actress Heather Menzies is 65.
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December 3rd is: International Day Of Persons With Disabilities, Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting and Special Kids Day.
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Quip for the day.....You can't fix stupid......not even with duct tape.
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A bit of trivia...Russell Springs in Logan County is known as the cow chip capital of Kansas.
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You know you are in Kansas when you know the four seasons as Summer, Road Construction, Still Summer and Winter.
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Larryj
Today's------busy day.....
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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Today is Thursday, December 4, the 338th day of the year. There are 27 days left in the year.
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In 1867, former Minnesota farmer Oliver Hudson founder The Grange which became a powerful political force among western farmers.
In 1945, the Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations by a vote of 65-7.
In 1954, the first Burger King stand was opened in Miami by James McLamore and David Edgerton.
In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor----City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein.
In 1991, Islamic militants in Lebanon released kidnapped American journalist Terry Anderson after 2,454 days in captivity.
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Today---Actor Ronnie Corbett is 84, Game show host Wink Martindale is 80, Actor Max Baer Jr. is 77, Actress Gemma Jones is 72, Astronaut Roberta Bondar is 69, Actor Jeff Bridges is 65, TV show host Pamela Stephenson is 65, Guitarist Gary Rossington (Lynrd Skynrd) is 63, Actress Patricia Wettig is 63, Sportscaster Skip Bayless is 63 and Actor Tony Todd is 60.
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December 4th is: National Cookie Day, National Dice Day and World Wildlife Conservation Day.
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Quip for the day......My train of though derailed. There were no survivors.
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A bit of trivia.......George Washington Carver once operated a laundry in Ottawa County, Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when you have visited a dairy farm and a one-room school.
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Larryj
Today's------groaner......
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
(ready?)
"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore
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Today is Friday, December 5, the 339th day of the year. There are 26 days left in the year.
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In 1776, the first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia.
In 1839, Union General George Armstrong Custer was born in Harrison County, Ohio.
In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.
In 1871, the great steer wrestling rodeo star Bill Pickett was born near Austin, Texas.
In 1933, National Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.
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Today---Singer Little Richard is 82, Author Calvin Trillin is 79, Author James Lee Burke is 78, Actor Jeroen Krabbe is 70, Singer Andy Kim is 68, Singer Jim Messina (Buffalo Springfield) is 67 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 63.
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December 5th is: AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, Faux Fur Day, International Ninja Day, International Volunteer Day For Economic And Social Development, World Salesperson Day, World Soil Day and Sachertorte Day.
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Quip for the day------I feel sorry for the people who don't know me.
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A bit of trivia.....The earliest documented performance of the electric guitar was in 1932 by Gage Brewer of Wichita.
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You know you're in Kansas when you learn to shoot before you learn to multiply.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.
The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. "We may as well give up," he told his friend. "Now they are coming at us with flashlights."
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Today is Saturday, December 6, the 340th day of the year. There are 25 days left in the year.
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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.
In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, officially ending the institution of slavery, was ratified.
In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.
In 1907, the worst mining disaster in U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, West Virginia.
In 1964, the animated puppet special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" first aired on NBC-TV.
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Today----Actor Dharmendra is 79, Comedy performer David Ossman is 78, Actor Patrick Bauhau is76, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 73, Baseball player Tony Horton is 70, Actor James Naughton is 69, Singer Frankie Beverly is 68, Actress Jobeth Williams is 66 and Actor Tom Hulce is 61.
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December 6th is: Bartender Appreciation Day, Miners' Day, National Pawnbrokers Day, Skywarn Recognition Day, St. Nicholas Day and Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day.
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Quip for the day.......Always give 100%.........unless you're donating blood.
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A bit of trivia......Lewis Seagondollar, who helped develop the atomic bomb, was born in Hoisington, Kansas, and studied physics at Emporia State University.
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You know you're in Kansas when you measure distance in hours.
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Larryj
Today's-----good one.....
The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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Today is Sunday, December 7, the 341st day of the year. There are 24 days left in the year.
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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1941, The Empire of Japan launched a pre-emptive air raid on the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as well as targets in Malaya, Hong Kong, Guam, the Philippines and Wake Island; the United States declared war against Japan the next day.
In 1963, videotaped instant replay was used for the first time in a live sports telecast (the Army-Navy game). CBS re-showed a one-yard touchdown run by Army quarterback Rollie Stichweh.
In 1963, The Singing Nun scored a #1 hit with "Dominique."
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Today------Bluegrass singer Bobby Osborne is 83, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 82, Actress Sue Johnston is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench is 67, Author Anna Fine is 67, Actor-producer-director James Keach is 67, Country singer Gary Morris is 66 and Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 65.
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December 7th is: National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, International Civil Aviation Day and National Cotton Candy Day.
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Quip for the day......People like you are the reason people like me need medications.
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A bit of trivia.....An old law stated that before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway in Wichita, a motorist must get out of their vehicle and fire three shotgun rounds into the air.
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You know you're in Kansas when you know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
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Larryj
Today's------short one.....
Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks. After a couple of miles, one of them says, "Man, all these steps are killing me!"
The other drunk replies, "It's not all these steps. it's these darned low handrails!
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Today is Monday, December 8, the 342nd day of the year. There are 23 days left in the year.
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In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt asked Congress for a declaration of war against Japan.
In 1941, Congress declared war on Japan a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.
In 1941, Jeanette Rankin, the first woman elected to Congress and a dedicated lifelong pacifist, casted the sole vote against the declaration of war against Japan.
In 1980, John Lennon was shot to death in New York City by a deranged fan.
In 1993, The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was signed into law by President Bill Clinton.
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Today----Flutist James Galway is 75, Singer Jerry Butler is 75, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 67 and Actress Kim Basinger is 61.
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December 8th is: Green Monday and Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day.
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Quip for the day......In alcohol's defense I have done some pretty dumb stuff when sober also.
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A bit of trivia.....The Kansas state flower, the wild native sunflower, was adopted in 1903.
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You know you're in Kansas when you had to make a beer run across state lines.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Today is Tuesday, December 9, the 343rd day of the year. There are 22 days left in the year.
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In 1835, the newly formed Texan Army took possession of San Antonio, an important victory for the Republic of Texas in it's war for independence from Mexico.
In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.
In 1962, the Petrified Forest in Arizona was designated a national park.
In 1965, "A Charlie Brown Christmas," the first animated special featuring characters from the "Peanuts" comic strip by Charles M Schulz, was first broadcast by CBS-TV.
In 1972, singer Helen Reddy reached the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "I am woman."
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Today----Actor Kirk Douglas is 98, Actor Dick Van Patten is 86, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 84, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 80, Author Mary Downing Hahn is 77, Actor Beau Bridges is 73, Football player Dick Butkus is 72, Author Sarah Smith is 67, Actor Michael Dorn is 62 and Actor John Malkovich is 61.
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December 9th is: International Anti-corruption Day and Weary Willie Day.
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Quip for the day........I can't wait to procrastinate.
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A bit of trivia.....There are 25 National Historic Landmarks in Kansas.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see a Spangles.
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Larryj
Today's---good one.....
A woman dies and goes to Heaven. She is amazed by all the beauty and asks St. Peter, "Is this really Heaven?"
St. Peter says, "Yes, it is. But in order to enter you must spell a word." The woman says, "What word?" St. Peter says, "Any word." So she thinks and then spells the word "Love." St. Peter tells her she is allowed to enter Heaven, but he would like a favor. He wanted to go to the bathroom and would she mind watching the gate for a few minutes? So she sits in St. Peter's chair and before long a man approaches. She realizes it is her loser husband. She asked him, "What happened to you?" He says, "I got so drunk at your funeral I got in a car accident and died." Then he asks, "Is this Heaven?" She says that it is, but he must spell a word to gain entrance. He says, "What word?" She says........,
"Czechoslovakia."
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Today is Wednesday, December 10, the 344th day of the year. There are 21 days left in the year.
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In 1869, Wyoming Territorial Legislators passed a bill granting women the right to vote.
In 1915, the 1 millionth Ford car rolled off the assembly line at the River Rouge plant in Detroit.
In 1948, the U.N. General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
In 1964, Martin Luther King Jr. received his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo.
In 1967, a plane crash near Madison, Wisconsin, killed soul singer Otis Redding and members of the Bar-Kays Band.
In 1972, Baseball's American League adopted the designated hitter rule on an experimental basis for three years.
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Today----Soap opera creator Agnes Nixon is 87, Actress Fionnula Flanigan is 73, Singer Gloria Loring is 68, Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 63 and Actress Susan Dey is 62.
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December 10th is: Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day, Jane Addams Day and Nobel Prize Day.
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Quip for the day.....Of course I'm gonna drive! I'm too drunk to walk.
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A bit of trivia.......Some of the first Angus cattle brought to this country were 4 Angus bulls transported to Kansas in 1873.
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You know you're in Kansas when tornado drills are a regular exercise for school children.
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Larryj
Today's------hah.........
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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Today is Thursday, December 11, the 345th day of the year. There are 20 days left in the year.
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In 1936, Britain's King Edward III abdicated the throne so he could marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. His brother, Prince Albert, became King George VI.
In 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States; the U.S. responded in kind.
In 1946, the General Assembly of the United Nations voted to establish the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund...UNICEF.
In 1964, singer-songwriter Sam Cooke was shot to death by a motel manager in Los Angeles.
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Today-----Actor Dilip Kumar is 92, Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 84, Actress Rita Moreno is 83, Actress Donna Mills is 74, Actress Teri Garr is 70, Country singer Brenda Lee is 70, Author Rachel Renee Russell is 69, Guitarist Martin Stone is 68, Talk show host Bill Cunningham is 67 and Singer Jermaine Jackson is 60.
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December 11th is: International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.
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Quip for the day........I wanted to grow my own food, but I couldn't find any bacon seeds.
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A bit of trivia........When the commemorative quarter was started, Kansas was the fourth state released in 2005.
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You know you're in Kansas when those awkward tan lines on your arms, legs and feet are actually dirt lines.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah....
A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."
Bonus......
Q. What happens when you play a country music backwards?
A. You get your dog back, you get your truck back and your wife still loves you.
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Today is Friday, December 12, the 346th day of the year. There are 19 days left in the year.
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In 1787, Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.
In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.
In 1925, the first motel -- the Motel Inn -- opened in San Luis Obispo, California.
In 1970, Smoky Robinson and the Miracles scored a #1 hit on Motown Records with "Tears of a clown."
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Today---Former TV host Bob Barker is 91, TV show host Lionel Blair is 83, Singer Connie Francis is 76, Singer Dionne Warwick is 74, Former race car driver Emerson Fitipaldi is 68, Actor Bill Nighy is 65, Astronaut Steven Hawley is 63, Gymnast Cathy Rigby is 62 and Guitarist Bruce Kulick (KISS) is 61.
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December 13th is: Gingerbread House Day, National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day, National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day, Official Lost And Found Day and Poinsettia Day.
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Quip for the day.....I never finish anythi
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A bit of trivia......Gardner, in Johnson County Kansas, was founded when the California Trail, The Santa Fe Trail and The Oregon Train divided sending travelers on different routes to the West.
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You know you're in Kansas when you know what an EF3 means.
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Larryj
Today's----some political correctness please......
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
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Today is Saturday, December 13, the 347th day of the year. There are 18 days left in the year.
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In 1621, the first American furs to be exported from the continent left for England aboard the Fortune.
In 1798, Joseph Walker, one of the greatest trailblazing mountain men and the first Anglo-American to see Yosemite, was born in Tennessee.
In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.
In 1928, George Gershwin's "An American in Paris" had its premiere at Carnegie Hall in New York.
In 1962, the United States launched Relay 1, a communications satellite which retransmitted television, telephone and digital signals.
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Today----Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 89, Actor Christopher Plummer is 85, Music/film producer Lou Adler is 81, Singer John Davidson is 73, Baseball player Ferguson Jenkins is 72, Guitarist Ted Nugent (Amboy Dukes) is 66, Actor Robert Lindsay is 65, Country singer Randy Owen (Alabama) is 65, Actress Wendy Malick is 64 and Comedian Jim Davidson is 61.
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December 13th is: Tic Tac Toe Day, Gingerbread Decorating Day, Pick A Pathologist Day, Day Of The Horse and International Shareware Day.
(Note: Tic Tac Toe Day refers to the numerical succession of date numbers, i.e., 12/13/14. This will not occur now until 1/2/3000.)
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Quip for the day....Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.
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A bit of trivia.....Elk County has 96.81% good air quality.
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You know you're in Kansas when the real way to pronounce the state and river is arKANSAS.
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Larryj
Today's----hah.......
It was the first day of school after summer vacation. The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN...In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter."
The first one is "gross" and the other one is "cool". Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks..."So, what are they?"
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Today is Sunday, December 14, the 348th day of the year. There are 17 days left in the year.
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In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at Mount Vernon, Virginia, at age 67.
In 1909, workers placed the last of the 3.2 million 10-pound bricks that paved the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in Speedway, Indiana.
In 1946, the United Nations General Assembly voted to establish the U.N. headquarters in New York.
In 1977, Saturday Night Fever, starring John Travolta, premiered at Mann's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles.
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Today----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 94, Singer-actress Abbe Lane is 83, Actor Hal Williams is 76, Actress Janette Scott is 76, Actress-singer Jane Birkin is 68, Actress Patty Duke is 68, Bassist Cliff Williams (AC/DC) is 65, Actress Vicki Michelle is 64 and Actress Celia Weston is 63.
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December 14th is: Monkey Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.
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A bit of trivia......Although the Kansas Constitution was amended to allow the sale alcoholic liquor by the individual drink, Elk County remained a "dry" county.
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You know you're in Kansas if you have chigger bites.
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Larryj
The 1909 feat of laying 3.2 million ten pound bricks at Indianapolis Speedway got me to wondering about the number of men, how long it took, etc.
After some searching:
It took five months for 500 workers and 300 mules working around the clock to do the bricking.
Could not find a cost one site mentions $30,000 cost for cement but that may have referred to the crushed limestone filler.
Overall on a 24-hour basis, 640,000 bricks laid per month; 21,333 per day; 889 per hour.
Today's------good one......
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes!" the man replied.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She don't know nothing about cars."
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Today is Monday, December 15, the 349th day of the year. There are 16 days left in the year.
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In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.
In 1890, Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, South Dakota, during a confrontation with Indian police.
In 1944, Bandleader Glenn Miller disappeared over the English Channel en-route to France to perform a concert for American troops.
In 2009, Boeing's new 787 "Dreamliner" jet went on its first test flight, lifting off from Paige Field in Everett, Washington.
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Today--Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 81, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 75, Football player Nick Buoniconti is 74, Musician-songwriter Dave Clark (The Dave Clark Five) is 72, Actor Don Johnson is 65 and Movie director Julie Taynor is 62.
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December 15th is: Bill of Rights Day and Cat Herders Day.
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Quip for the day.....I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
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A bit of trivia......Smallville is a fictional city in Kansas created as the hometown of Clark Kent, future Superman.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see lightning bugs down by the lake.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah......
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon the dog that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look "I don't know about you, man," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
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Today is Tuesday, December 16, the 350th day of the year. There are 15 days left in the year.
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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.
In 1811, the first of the powerful New Madrid earthquakes struck the central Mississippi Valley with an estimated magnitude of 7.7.
In 1944, the Battle of the Bulge began as Germans launched their last major offensive of the war.
In 1950, President Harry S. Truman proclaimed a national state of emergency in order to fight "world conquest by Communist Imperialism."
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Today----Actress Joyce Bulifant is 76, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 73, TV producer Steven Bochco is 71, Singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 68, Actor Christopher Biggins is 66 and Guitarist Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 65.
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December 16th is: Barbie And Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.
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Quip for the day......I'm not fat. I'm just so sexy that it overflows.
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A bit of trivia.......16 counties in Kansas were named for Indian tribes -- 4 are now defunct.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can see a tractor pulling a hay baler pulling a hay wagon.
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Larryj
Today's---funny......
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
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Today is Wednesday, December 17, the 351st day of the year. There are 14 days left in the year.
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In 1777, France recognized American independence.
In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
In 1944, the U.S. War Department announced it was ending its policy of excluding people of Japanese ancestry from the West Coast.
In 1975, a federal jury in Sacramento, California, sentenced Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme to life in prison for the attempted assassination of President Gerald R. Ford.
In 1989, the animated TV series "The Simpsons" premiered on Fox with a Christmas episode.
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Today-----Singer-actor Tommy Steele is 78, Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 77, Actor Bernard Hill is 70, Political commentator Chris Mathews is 69, Author Jacqueline Wilson is 69, Actor Ernie Hudson is 69, Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 68, Singer Paul Rodgers is 65 and Actor Bill Pullman is 61.
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December 17th is: Wright Brothers Day.
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Quip for the day......DO NOT DISTURB! I'm disturbed enough already.
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A bit of trivia......Longton, Kansas, was originally named Elk Rapids, but was renamed after a village in England to avoid confusion with nearby Elk Falls and Elk City.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can rarely find vegetarian specials on any diner's menu.
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Larryj
Today's-----punny groaner.........
A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.
The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"
The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."
"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."
"Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"
"Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"
(There's no place like home for the holidays.)
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Today is Thursday, December 18, the 352nd day of the year. There are 13 days left in the year.
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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.
In 1888, while searching for stray cattle in Southwest Colorado, Richard Wetherill stumbled upon the magnificent Indian ruins of Mesa Verde.
In 1892, Tchaikovsky's ballet "The Nutcracker" publically premiered in St. Petersburg, Russia.
In 1961, the Tokens earned a #1 hit with "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."
In 1972, the U.S. began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.
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Today----Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark is 87, Actor Roger Smith is 82, Actor Roger Mosley is 76, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards (The Rolling Stones) is 71, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 68, Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 64 and Actor Ray Liotta is 60.
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December 18th is: Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day, Arabic Language Day, Free Shipping Day, International Migrants Day and National Re-gifting Day.
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Quip for the day.......If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a Marine.
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A bit of trivia..........The first drug store in Howard was started by Dr. Frank Bersheidt. It was located on the west side of Wabash Avenue.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see red-tail hawks flying over the Flint Hills.
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Larryj
Today's-------Christmas groaner.....
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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Today is Friday, December 19, the 353rd day of the year. There are 12 days left in the year.
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In 1732, Benjamin Franklin first published Poor Richard's Almanack.
In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, to camp for the winter.
In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.
In 1907, a mine explosion in Jacob's Creek, Pennsylvania, killed 239 workers.
In 1917, four teams of the newly formed National Hockey League played in the league's first two games.
In 1950, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower was named commander of the military forces of NATO.
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Today---Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 94, Actress Cicely Tyson is 81, Baseball player Al Kaline is 80, Singer Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 73, Actor Tim Reid is 70 and Country singer Janie Fricke is 67.
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December 19th is: Underdog Day.
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Quip for the day.....I read about the evils of drinking.....so I gave up reading. W.C. Fields
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A bit of trivia.......In 2000, the reported population of Painterhood Township was 68.
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You know you're in Kansas when "down south" means Oklahoma.
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Larryj
Today's---funny.....
There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
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Today is Saturday, December 20, the 354th day of the year. There are 11 days left in the year.
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In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.
in 1957, Elvis Presley received his draft notice.
In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.
In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.
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Today-----Actor John Hillerman is 82, Rock musician Peter Criss (KISS) is 69, Producer Dick Wolf is 68, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 66, Actress Jennifer Agutter is 62 and Author Sandra Cisneros is 60.
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December 20th is: International Human Solidarity Day, Games Day, Mudd Day, National Sangria Day and World Day Of Prayer And Action For Children.
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Quip for the day.........You know you are older when your knees buckle and your belt won't.
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A bit of trivia....The first Post Office in Moline was established in 1879.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can get a Bionic Burger in Wichita.
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Larryj
Today's-----an old favorite.....
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Today is Sunday, December 21, the 355th day of the year. There are 10 days left in the year.
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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.
In 1864, during the Civil War, Union forces led by Maj. Gen. William T. Sherman concluded their "March to the Sea," which had begun in Atlanta on Nov. 15 and ended with the capture of Savannah, Georgia.
In 1866, Indians in Northern Wyoming lured Lt. Col. William Fettering and 80 soldiers into an ambush of which there were no survivors.
In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland.
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Today----Talk show host Phil Donahue is 79, Actress Jane Fonda is 77, TV show host Barry Gordon is 66, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 66, Singer Betty Wright is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Chris Evert is 60.
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December 21st is: Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefathers Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons' Remembrance Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day, World Peace Day and Winter Solstice.
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Quip for the day.....Christmas is the time when everybody wants their past forgotten and their presents remembered.
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A bit of trivia......The land for the Howard (Polk Daniels) City Lake was purchased in 1934 and construction was completed in 1936 by the WPA and CCC.
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You know you're in Kansas when those strange lights you see at night is a farmer working late in his field....
not a UFO.
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Larryj
Today's----short one.....
A husband asks: "Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?"
Wife: "For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown!"
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Today is Monday, December 22, the 336th day of the year. There are 9 more days left in the year.
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In 1778, the Continental Congress created a Continental Navy naming Esek Hopkins, Esq., as Commander-in-Chief of the fleet.
In 1884, a central player in the Lincoln County War of 1878-1881, cattleman John Chisum died in Eureka Springs, Arkansas.
In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.
In 2001, Richard C. Reid, a passenger on a flight to Miami, tried to ignite explosives in his shoes, but was subdued by flight attendants and fellow passengers.
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Today---Actress Elizabeth Hubbard is 81, Basketball player Tom Hawkins is 78, Actor Hector Elizondo is 78, Baseball player Steve Carlton is 70, Former ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 69, Guitarist Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) is 68, Talk show host Noel Edmonds is 66, Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 66, Actor Graham Beckel is 65 and Actress Bern Nadette Stanis is 61.
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December 22nd is: National Haiku Poetry Day.
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Quip for the day....from a friend......My train of thought left the station and I wasn't on it.
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A bit of trivia......Prefabricated Valentine's Diners were manufactured in Wichita from the late 1930s into the mid 1970s.
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You know you're in Kansas when you visit the Old Cowtown Museum in Wichita.
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Larryj
Today's----politically correct......
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Period Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
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Today is Tuesday, December 23, the 337th day of the year. There are 8 more days left in the year.
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In 1783, following the signing of the Treaty of Paris, Gen. George Washington resigned as the commander in chief of the Continental Army.
In 1913, the Federal Reserve System was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act.
In 1954, the first successful human kidney transplant took place at the Peter Bent Brigham Hospital in Boston as a surgical team removed a kidney from a man and transplanted it into his twin brother.
In 1968, the crew and captain of the intelligence gathering ship Pueblo were released after 11 months imprisonment by North Korea.
In 1982, the Missouri Department of Health and the Center For Disease Control informed residents of Times Beach, Missouri, that their town was contaminated by the chemical Dioxin and that the town would have to be evacuated and demolished.
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Today----Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 79, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 71, Actress Susan Lucci is 68, Football player Jack Ham is 66 and Guitarist Anthony Phillips (Genesis) is 63.
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December 23rd is: Human Light Celebration.
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Quip for the day...."what to my wondering eyes should appear.....but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs and rear."
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A bit of trivia.....In the early days of Elk County, it is said that Probate Judge A.P. Searcy carried papers in his hat and was prepared to perform weddings wherever he was, any time day or night.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can drive your car onto a concrete slab in a river and wash it.
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Larryj
Today's---hah.....
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, 'Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new...' He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, 'Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new...' He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, 'Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...'
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Today is Wednesday, December 24, the 358th day of the year. There are 7 days left in the year.
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In 1814, the Treaty of Peace and Amity between His Britannic Majesty and the United States was signed at Ghent, Belgium, ending the War of 1812.
In 1851, fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroying about 35,000 volumes.
In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces in Europe as part of Operation Overlord.
In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis.
In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon, Vietnam.
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Today-----Author Mary Higgins Clark is 87, Comedian Barry Chuckle is 70 and Bassist Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) is 69.
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December 24th is: Egg Nog Day and Christmas Eve.
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Quip for the day.....Anyone who believes that men are equal to women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
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A bit of trivia.......A post office was opened in Fiat in Paw Paw Township in 1882 and closed in 1898.
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You know you're in Kansas when you get to Grandma's house for Christmas.
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Larryj
Today's---I always liked this one.........
One day the tribal elders in the Indian village asked the chief if it was going to be a cold winter. The chief consulted with the tribal medicine man, but the medicine man could not give him an answer. So the chief decided to do the modern thing and called the National Weather Service. He asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" The NWS assured him that it was indeed going to be a cold winter. So the chief went to his people and told them to gather lots of firewood.
A few weeks later, he called the NWS again and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" They assured him that it was going to be a very cold winter. So he told his people to gather more firewood.
A few weeks later, he called the NWS again and asked the same question and was told that it was going to be the coldest winter in a long time. The chief asked them how they knew it was going to be so cold. Their answer:
"Because the Indians are gathering tons of firewood."
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Today is Thursday, December 25, the 359th day of the year. There are 6 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, New Jersey.
In 1941, "White Christmas," composed by Irving Berlin, had its world premiere on Bing Crosby's weekly radio program, The Kraft Music Hall.
In 1962, "To Kill A Mockingbird" opened in theaters.
In 1991, Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev went on television to announce his resignation as the eighth and final leader of a communist superpower that had already gone out of existence.
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Today----Author Anne Rolphe is 79, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 71, Actor Gary Sandy is 69, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 68, Football player Larry Csonka is 68, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 66, Bassist Ron Foos (Paul Revere And The Raiders) is 65, Actress Sissy Spacek is 65, Actress CCH Pounder is 62 and Singer Annie Lennox is 60.
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December 25th is: Christmas Pudding Day and Christmas.
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Quip for the day......One of the biggest messes is the one in the living room on Christmas Day.
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A bit of trivia....In Busby, Kansas, the post office was located in Sprague's General Store until it closed in 1906. After that the Rural Free Delivery (RFD) took over the mail which was delivered from Howard.
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You know you're in Kansas when the opening day of Pheasant season is a state holiday.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Larryj
Today's----uh oh......
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
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Today is Friday, December 26, the 360th day of the year. There are 5 days left in the year.
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In 1799, former President George Washington was eulogized by Col. Henry Lee as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."
In 1933, Nissan Motor Co. was founded in Yokohama, Japan, as the Automobile Manufacturing Co.
In 1966, Kwanzaa was first celebrated.
In 1972, former President Harry S. Truman died in Independence, Missouri.
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Today----Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 81, Record producer Phil Spector is 75, "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 69, Baseball player Carlton Fisk is 67, Journalist Candy Crowley is 66 and Baseball player Ozzie Smith is 60.
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December 26th is: National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-you Note Day and National Whiner's Day.
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Quip for the day......The New Year will be the same as the old one if you keep on doing the same old things.
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A bit of trivia....The Ames Chevrolet Dealership, which was located in Moline and closed due to a fire, was considered the oldest continuously operating family owned Chevrolet dealership in the United States.
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You know you're in Kansas if you know what a Skunker is and that it is manufactured in Kansas.
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Larryj
Today's---start of the New Year's jokes.....
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the den to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
"See?" Janet said happily, "You didn't miss a thing!"
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Today is Saturday, December 27, the 361st day of the year. There are 4 days left in the year.
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In 1846, a rag-tag army of volunteers known as Doniphan's Thousand won a major victory in the war with Mexico with the occupation of El Paso.
In 1900, prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed up the bar at the Carey Hotel in Wichita which caused thousands of dollars in damages and landed her in jail.
In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall first opened.
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered his secretary of war to seize properties belonging to the Montgomery Ward Company because the company refused to comply with a labor agreement.
In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.
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Today-----Actor John Amos is 75, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 71, Rock musician Mick Jones (Foreigner) is 70, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 66 and Musician David Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 62.
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December 27th is: Howdy Doody Day and Visit The Zoo Day.
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Quip for the day.....Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late for New Year's Eve. Middle Age is when you are forced to stay up. Old age is when you can't and you don't care.
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A bit of trivia.....Grenola had its start in 1879 by the building of the railroad through that territory. At that time the two rival cities of Greenfield and Canola, which were three miles apart, relocated to the site of the railroad and merged. Grenola is a combination of the names of the two former towns.
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You know you're in Kansas when a fire in a farmer's field is intentional.
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Larryj
Today's----another.....
Two girlfriends were talking at a New Year's Eve party. The talk got around to what their resolutions would be.
"I'm going to start a diet to get rid of all of these extra pounds I put on over the holidays," Kim said.
"Good!" Katrina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" Kim replied. "I'll ride with you."
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Today is Sunday, December 28, the 362nd day of the year. There are 3 days left in the year.
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In 1832, citing political differences with President Andrew Jackson and a desire to fill a vacant Senate seat in South Carolina, John C. Calhoun became the first Vice President to resign the office.
In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the Union.
In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.
In 1973, the Endangered Species Act was signed into law by President Richard M. Nixon.
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Today-----Comic book creator Stan Lee is 92, Actor Martin Milner is 83, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 82, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 80, Actor Don Francisco is 74, Actor Denzel Washington is 60 and Talk show host Gayle King is 60.
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December 28th is: Holy Innocents Day, Endangered Species Act Day, National Chocolate Day (28-29) and Pledge of Allegiance Day.
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Quip for the day.......You smile, I smile. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off bridge. I'm gonna miss your e-mails.
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A bit of trivia......Longton was founded in 1870, named after Longton, England.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can really enjoy a full moon rising over an open field.
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Larryj
Today's---not a new year's joke....
One day, a gunslinger rode into town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors.
After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the gunslinger went in. "Whiskey." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody, "I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"
The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy, "What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I walked home."
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Today is Monday, December 29, the 363rd day of the year. There are 2 days left in the year.
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In 1808, future President Andrew Johnson was born in Raleigh, North Carolina.
In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.
In 1876, a bridge in Ashtabula, Ohio, collapsed causing a train to fall into a gorge killing 80 passengers.
In 1890, the Wounded Knee Massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops.
In 1957, singer Pat Boone earned his second #1 hit with "April Love."
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Today-----Actress Dina Merrill is 91, Actor Bernard Cribbins is 86, Actress Inga Swenson is 82, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 78, Actor Jon Voight is 76, Jockey Lafitte Pincay is 68, Singer Marianne Faithful is 68, Actor Ted Danson is 67 and Author Joe Vitale Is 61.
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December 29th is: Tick Tock Day.
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Quip for the day......I can't believe it has been a whole year since I didn't become a better person.
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A bit of trivia....The Benson Museum began as the Elk County Historical Society in 1979, but was renamed after receiving a major gift from the late Edith Benson.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see Swedish art and culture in Lindsborg.
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Larryj
Today's-----something to keep in mind for tomorrow night......
Warning labels that should be on alcoholic drinks.....
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
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Today is Tuesday, December 30, the 364th day of the year. There is 1 day left in the year.
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In 1853, the U.S. Minister to Mexico James Gadsden and Gen. Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana singed the Gadsden Purchase establishing the southern boundary of the U.S. border.
In 1862, the ironclad U.S.S. Monitor sank off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, in a storm.
In 1936, in one of the first sit-down strikes in the U.S., autoworkers occupied the General Motors Fisher Body Plant in Flint, Michigan.
In 2013, six states were named by federal officials to develop test sites for drones: Alaska, Nevada, New York, North Dakota, Texas and Virginia.
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Today---Actor Russ Tamblyn is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 79, TV director James Burrows is 74, Singer Michael Nesmith (The Monkees) is 72, Singer Patti Smith is 68, Singer Jeff Lynne (Electric Light Orchestra) is 67, Actor Michael Burns is 67 and TV personality Meredith Viera is 61.
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December 30th is: Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.
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Quip for the day.......Dear God: My prayer for the new year is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
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A bit of trivia.....Severy was originally called Gould. When the railroad was built nearby the name Severy was adopted in honor of Luther Severy, a railroad employee.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see a thicket of Choke Cherries.
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Larryj
Today's-------need some resolutions?....
1. I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
2. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
3. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
4. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
5. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
6. I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."
7. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
8. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSpreader
9. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSlurry
10. I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.
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Today is Wednesday, December 31, the 365th day of the year. There are no more days left in the year.
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In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
In 1904, New York's Times Square saw its first New Year's Eve celebration, with an estimated 200,000 in attendance.
In 1951, the Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.
In 1972, baseball player Roberto Clemente was killed in an airplane crash while delivering relief supplies to Nicaragua.
In 1974, private U.S. citizens were allowed to buy and own gold for the first time in over 40 years.
In 1985, teen idol Rick Nelson died in a plane crash near De Kalb, Texas.
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Today---Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 77, Actress Sarah Miles is 73, Rock musician Andy Summers (The Police) is 72, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 71, Fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg is 68, Actor Tim Matheson is 67, Singer Burton Cummings (The Guess Who) is 67 and Actor James Remar is 61.
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December 31st is: New Years Eve, Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour Of Peace Day and World Peace Meditation Day.
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Quip for the day....I will start driving more carefully. People are started to notice the dents in my car.
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A bit of trivia.......Chanute is a combination of four towns consolidated in 1872 and named in honor of Octave Chanute, a railroad engineer.
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You know You're in Kansas when you are at the Dalton Defenders Museum in Coffeeville.
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Larryj
Today's----some thoughts for the new year...
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
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Today is Thursday, January 1, the 1st day of the year. There are 364 days left in the year.
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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."
In 1863, a farmer named Daniel Freeman submitted the first claim under the new Homestead Act for a property near Beatrice, Nebraska.
In 1913, the U.S. Parcel Post system went into operation.
In 1935, the Associated Press inaugurated Wirephoto, the firs successful service for transmitting photographs by wire to member newspapers.
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Today----Actor Frank Langella is 77, Actor Rick Hurst is 69 and Country singer Steve Ripley is 65.
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January 1st is: Copyright Law Day, Commitment Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, First Foot Day, Global Family Day, Mummer's Parade, New Years Day, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge, Rose Bowl Game, Saint Basil's Day, Tournament Of Roses Parade and Z Day.
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Quip for the day......the only resolution I have ever made and kept was when I resolved not to make any more resolutions.
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A bit of trivia......Less than 10% of people who make resolutions will be successful.
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You know you're in Kansas when you have to insulate your water pipes in winter.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Larryj
Today's------groaner....
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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Today is Friday, January 2, the 2nd day of the year. There are 363 days left in the year.
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In 1788, Georgia voted to ratify the U.S. Constitution becoming the fourth state.
In 1893, the U.S. Postal Service issued its first commemorative stamp to honor the World's Columbian Expedition and the quadricentennial of Christopher Columbus' voyage.
In 1921, religious services were broadcast on radio for the first time as KDKA in Pittsburg aired the regular Sunday service of the city's Calvary Episcopal Church.
In 1923, Albert Fall, the Secretary of the Interior, resigned in response to public outrage over the Teapot Dome Scandal.
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55-mph as a way of conserving gasoline.
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Today----Football player Gino Marchetti is 88, Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is 73, Football player Calvin Hill is 68 and TV host Jack Hanna is 68.
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January 2nd is: 55-mph Speed Limit Day, Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation And Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day, National Science Fiction Day and Pet Travel And Safety Day.
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Quip for the day.....Nothing says "I mean business!" like using a shopping cart at the liquor store.
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A bit of trivia......Mulvane, Kansas, was laid out in 1879 at the junction of five Santa Fe Railroad lines.
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You know you're in Kansas when you see the rocks at Minneapolis, Kansas.
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Larryj
Today's------hah......
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".
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Today is Saturday, January 3, the 3rd day of the year. There are 362 days left in the year.
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In 1938, the March Of Dimes campaign to fight polio was established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who himself had been afflicted with the crippling disease.
In 1959, Alaska became the 49th state of the Union.
In 1952, the TV show "Dragnet", starring Jack Webb as Sgt. Joe Friday, debuted on NBC.
In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced that the United States had terminated diplomatic relations with Cuba, after the Havana government said it was limiting the number of U.S. Embassy and Consulate personnel allowed in the country.
In 1967, Jack Ruby, who killed alleged assassin of John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, died from cancer in a Dallas hospital.
In 1987, Singer Aretha Franklin became the first woman to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
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Today-----Music producer George Martin is 89, Actor Robert Loggia is 85, Actor Dabney Coleman is 83, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Hull is 76, Musician Stephen Stills (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 70, Rock musician John Paul Jones is 69 and Actress Victoria Principal is 65.
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January 3rd is: Drinking Straw Day, Fruitcake Toss Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.
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Quip for the day.....The problem with doing nothing is that you can't stop to rest.
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A bit of trivia.....Kansas was the first state to pave all of its 13.2 mile portion of U.S. Route 66.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are having a home made root beer at the Nu-Way Restaurant in Wichita.
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Larryj
Today's-------golden oldie......
There was this man whose last name was Odd.......His first two initials were I.M.
He never changed his name due to his business and personal relationships. Over the years he endured many jokes about his name. At the end of his life he decided that his gravestone would be left blank so people would not mention his name even after his death.
Now when people walk through the cemetery they see a blank stone and they say, "That's odd."
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Today is Sunday, January 4, the 4th day of the year. There are 361 days left in the year.
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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.
In 1847, Samuel Colt won a contract to provide the U.S. government with 1,000 of his .44 caliber revolvers.
In 1896, Utah became the 45th state of the Union.
In 1904, the Supreme Court, in Gonzalez v. Williams, ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the U.S. freely, but the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens. (Puerto Ricans gained U.S. citizenship in 1917.)
In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.
In 1964, Bobby Vinton's hit "There I said it again" was number 1 on the Billboard Charts.
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Today-----Actress Barbara Rush is 88, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 85, Actress Dyan Cannon is 78, Opera singer Grace Bumbry is 78, Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 72 and Fashion Designer Tina Knowles is 61.
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January 4th is: Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.
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Quip for the day...You're getting old when you light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
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A bit of trivia.....Elgin, in Chautauqua County, was founded in 1869. The Post Office was discontinued in 1976.
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You know you're in Kansas when that light you see across the field is a farmer working in his field at night, not a UFO.
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Larryj
Today's----good one......
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other beings somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
"What is your planet like?" groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
"It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women" answered the Physicist.
"Do the you get along with the women on your planet?" the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered "Why yes. We get along quite well here."
The extraterrestrial perked up "Can we send you ours?"
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Today is Monday, January 5, the 5th day of the year. There are 360 days left in the year.
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In 1643, in the first record of a legal divorce in the American colonies, Anne Clarke was granted a divorce from her absent and adulterous husband, Denis Clarke.
In 1905, the National Association of Audubon Societies for the Protection of Wild Birds and Animals was incorporated.
In 1914, Henry Ford announced he was going to pay workers $5 for an 8-hour day, as opposed to $2.34 for a 9-hour day.
In 1920, the New York Yankees baseball club announced the purchase of George Herman "Babe" Ruth from the Boston Red Sox for $125,000.
In 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco which was finished four years later.
In 1998, Sonny Bono, singer and later politician, was killed in a skiing accident in Lake Tahoe, California.
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Today------Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 87, Actor Robert Duvall is 84, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 73, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 69, Actor Ted Lange is 67 and Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 62.
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January 5th is: Bird Day, Blue Monday, National Weigh-In Day, Divorce Monday and "Thank God It's Monday."
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Quip for the day....Just once I would like to wake up, turn on the news and hear...."Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
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A bit of trivia...K-99 runs 233 miles from Nebraska to Oklahoma. It was originally K-11.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are at the state's oldest swinging footbridge over Wildcat Creek.
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Larryj
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Today's----oh no...
A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, "Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"Nope, try again."
"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions."
"I'm wearing a gas mask!"
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Today is Tuesday, January 6, the 6th day of the year. There are 359 days left in the year.
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In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph.
In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state of the Union.
In 1974, year-round daylight saving time began in the U.S. on a trial basis as a fuel-saving measure.
In 1975, the original version of "Wheel of Fortune," hosted by Chuck Woolery and Susan Stafford, premiered on NBC-TV.
In 1994, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the leg by an assailant at Detroit's Cobo Arena.
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Today----Pollster Louis Harris is 94, Coach Lou Holtz is 78, Former FBI Director Louis Freeh is 65, Singer Kenneth Nixon (The Fabulous Thunderbirds) is 64, Guitarist Malcolm Young is 62 and Actor Rowan Atkinson is 60.
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January 6th is: Three Kings Day.
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Quip for the day....I first met my wife in the Tunnel of Love. She was digging it.
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A bit of trivia.......Country singer Martina McBride was born in Sharon, Kansas, and in the early years of her career performed with a local rock band, the Penetrators, in Wichita.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are hiking the Elk River Trail.
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Larryj
Today's-----remember this groaner?,,,,,,
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
(wait for it.....)
"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Today is Wednesday, January 7, the 7th day of the year. There are 358 days left in the year.
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In 1789, the U.S. held its first presidential election as voters chose electors who, later, selected George Washington.
In 1892, a massive mine explosion left nearly 100 people dead in Krebs, Oklahoma.
In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, New Jersey, as Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.
In 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team traveled 48 miles west from Chicago to play their first game in Hinckley, Illinois.
In 1999, for the second time in history, an impeached American president went on trial before the Senate. President Bill Clinton faced charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.
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Today--------Singer Kenny Loggins is 67, Singer Juan Gabriel is 65, Actress Erin Gray is 65, Actress Helen Worth is 64 and Actor Sammo Hung is 63.
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January 7th is: Harlem Globetrotter's Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.
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Quip for the day.....If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old.
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A bit of trivia......Explorer Zebulon Pike first coined the name the Flint Hills in 1806 when he entered into his journal "passed very ruff flint hills."
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You know you're in Kansas when you are having the signature country steak at Brint's Diner in Wichita.
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Larryj
Today's---and another one......
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up..."
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Today is Thursday, January 8, the 8th day of the year. There are 357 days left in the year.
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In 1790, President George Washington delivered his first State of the Union address to Congress in New York.
In 1815, two weeks after the War of 1812 officially ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent, U.S. Gen. Andrew Jackson won the greatest American victory of the war at the Battle of New Orleans.
In 1877, Crazy Horse and his warriors - outnumbered and low on ammunition - fought their last losing battle against the U.S. Cavalry in Montana.
In 1965, the Star of India and other gems stolen from the American Museum of Natural History in New York were recovered from a bus depot locker in Miami.
In 1982, American Telephone and Telegraph settled the Justice Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.
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Today----Actor Larry Storch is 92, Actor Ron Moody is 91, CBS newsman Charles Osgood is 82, Singer Shirley Bassey is 78, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 77, Fashion designer Carolina Herrera is 76, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 73, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 73, Singer Juanita Cowart Motley is 71, Guitarist Robby Krieger (The Doors) is 69 and Singer David Bowie is 68.
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January 8th is: Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National English Toffee Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, National Joy Germ Day, Show And Tell At Work Day and War On Poverty Day.
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Quip for the day...And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light, but the electric company said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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A bit of trivia.....Oak Valley was founded in 1879 when a settler built a residence there.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are hiking and canoeing in Fall River State Park.
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Larryj
Today's---one of my favorites......
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Today is Friday, January 9, the 9th day of the year. There are 356 days left in the year.
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In 1793, Frenchman Jean Pierre Blanchard, using a hot-air balloon, flew between Philadelphia and Woodbury, New Jersey.
In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, CA.
In 1914, the County of Los Angeles opened the country's first public defender's office.
In 1945, Gen. Douglas McArthur and the American 6th Army landed at Luzon, a step in the capture of the Philippine Islands from Japan.
In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.
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Today---Author Judith Krantz is 87, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 81, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 80, Folk singer Joan Baez is 74, Comedian Freddie Starr is 72, Singer Scott Walker (The Walker Brothers) is 72, Guitarist Jimmy Page (Yardbirds and Led Zeppelin) is 71, Singer David Johansen is 65, Singer Crystal Gayle is 64 and Actor J.K. Simmons is 60.
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January 9th is: Balloon Ascension Day, National Cassoulet Day and National Static Electricity Day.
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Quip for the day......Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
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A bit of trivia.....During World War I, there was a large German population in Kansas that favored neutrality. They were kept under close watch and forced to buy bonds and were not allowed to speak German in public.
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You know you're in Kansas when you can enjoy lightning bugs down by the lake.
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Larryj
Today's-----and another one.....
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
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Today is Saturday, January 10, the 10th day of the year. There are 355 days left in the year.
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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published "Common Sense."
In 1901, a drilling derrick at Spindletop Hill near Beaumont, Texas, produced an enormous gusher of crude oil, signaling the advent of the American oil industry.
In 1920, the League of Nations formally came into being when the Covenant of the League of Nations took effect.
In 1964, Vee-Jay Records released "Introducing .... The Beatles,' an album which ran into immediate legal opposition from Capitol Records, which was about to come out with its own album, "Meet The Beatles!" (After a court battle, the two companies reached a settlement.)
In 1976, "Convoy," by C.W. McCall, was the #1 song on the pop music charts.
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Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 77, Songwriter Frank Sinatra Jr. is 71, Singer Rod Stewart is 70, Rock singer-musician Donald Fagen (Steeley Dan) is 67, Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 66, Singer Pat Benatar is 62 and Hall-of-Fame race car driver Bobby Rahal is 62.
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January 10th is: National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.
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Quip for the day.....Weekends don't pay as well as weekdays, but at least there's football.
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A bit of trivia......The building of the first church in Elk County was begun in the Spring of 1871 at Longton.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are at the International House Of Pancakes Hall Of Fame in Liberal.
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Larryj
Today's-------hah.....
A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it.
He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA".
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Today is Sunday, January 11, the 11th day of the year. There are 354 days left in the year.
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In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument. It became a national park in 1919.
In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automotive Show in New York.
In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, California, which made her the first person to fly solo across any part of the Pacific Ocean.
In 1973, the owners of America's 24 major league teams in the American League voted to use a "designated pinch-hitter" that could bat for the pitcher and allow the pitcher to remain in the game.
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Today----Actor Mitchell Ryan is 81, Actress Ghita Norby is 80, Actor Joel Zwick is 73, Country singer Naomi Judd is 69 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 63.
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January 11th is: Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day, National Human Trafficking Awareness Day, No Pants Subway Ride Day and Stephen Foster Day.
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Quip for the day.......Lazy is a very strong word. I prefer to call it "selective participation."
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A bit of trivia.......The townsite of Pawnee was designated the first official capitol of the Kansas Territory in 1855 which lasted only five days.
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You know you're in Kansas when you are visiting the National Teachers Hall of Fame in Emporia.
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Larryj
After much thought I have decided to end my contributions to this thread. While many read it, and I thank you for that, my lifestyle has changed recently requiring more attention to other endeavors. I can no longer spend the time posting on this thread.
Larryj
You will be missed! Thanks for all you've done, however, and many blessings in your future! :laugh:
Thanks Larry for all the laughs and giggles! Blessings to you friend. :-*
I tried to write some witty poem-type thing here but there aren't enough words to thank you for the precious gift you leave us with...The gift of getting to read you.
Much love to you, Larry. You have been a gem!
Cat
today feels like a good day to reread some of larry j's posts,seems like a real long time since he left.Hope all is well with him.
I miss him too.I hope his health is alright.
Old Folk Jokes
" A bottle collector goes around his neighborhood looking for bottles. He comes to a house and knocks on the door. An old woman opens it up and gruffly asks, "What do ya want? The man backs up a bit and asks nicely, "Do you have any old beer bottles?" The lady once again asks, in the same harsh way, "Do I look like I drink beer?" The man asks politely, "Well, do you have any old vinegar bottles?" "
A couple of blonde jokes I heard recently..........don't be offended.
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all died and went up to Heaven. God said I will let you in if you can climb this stairway consisting of 1,000 steps. A joke is told at each step. If you can make it all the way to the top without laughing at the joke, I will allow you to enter Heaven.
The redhead made it to the 100th step before laughing. The brunette made it to the 500th step before laughing. The blonde made it to the 999th step and then burst out laughing. God, with a look of amazement, said, "How could you come so close to the top and then laugh?" The blonde said, "I just got the joke from the first step."
..............................................
A blonde went to the emergency room with a gunshot wound to her finger. The Doctor asked her what happened. She said that she had decided to commit suicide. "I put the gun to my chest and then thought I didn't want to ruin the $6,000 boob job I had done. I put the gun to my mouth but then thought I didn't want to ruin the $2,000 dental work I had done. So I put the gun in my ear but I didn't want to hear the loud bang so I put my finger in my other ear." ::)
Larryj
Recently my five year old grandson became hooked on one liners.........Some of which you have to think about........
Two men walk into a bar.....the third one ducks.
Why couldn't the bike stand up? Ir was too tired.
I have only been wrong once but that was when I thought I was wrong.
Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I was watching a dog chasing his tail. I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and picks up a prescription. The pharmacist asked "How are you going to pay for this?" The duck says, "Put it on my bill."
Oh well.
Larryj
An elderly couple were having an argument. Both were disabled somewhat with the woman in her bedroom and the man in his. They are communicating by cell phone rather than yelling at each other. After a while the man gets tired and wants to go to sleep. So he tells his wife he is hanging up and going to sleep. But she is not done and keeps calling him back. Finally he says he is going to go to her room and take her phone away. But she persists and then goes in his room and takes his phone because he had threatened to take hers. At first he resisted and then..........
DUH..............
He realizes if she has his phone she can't call him and argue!!!!!!!!!!!
Larryj
I have failed miserably as a cousin of Larry Jordan. I learned today that he passed away in November of 2019. Just thought those who liked his posts would also like to know. Today was his birthday and I found out through a post on Facebook by his daughter. I had thought a couple of times that he hadn't posted lately but got busy with life and never followed up. I also put his not posting to his health problems and didn't really worry about it. He suffered with COPD for a long time. His humor will be missed. I have been told that his humor was in line with the Andrews side of my family tree. Hugs, Larry!!!! Hope you and my dad are revisiting your childhood shenanigans. Love, Deb