My Dear Dave -
an excellent post, as always. It sounds as tho (as pointed out by OldSchoolBoy) you have run into a number of individuals who never learned the basics of good social behaviour! I fear that Civility has declined, but will hold my thoughts on the reasons.
I must find Teddy Roosevelts thoughts on the matter, in the meantime here is a monograph I wrote over a lustrum ago on the
topic of "Etiquette" and "Being a Gentleman". I belive it would certainly pertain to "A Gentleman of the Plains" and
"Rules of Civility".
Title: *Etiquette*
Post by: *Prof Marvel* on *October 22, 2009*
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After no little cogitation on the subject, I posted this missive on
another of my favorite electronical villages, and thought I might share
it here for your edification, entertainment, and commentary.
What is a Gentleman?
A Gentleman is chivalrous, polite, clean in body and mind, well groomed
to the best of his ability. His attire may not be costly, but it will always be clean and neat.
He defends and suports the downtrodden both in word and action; he does
not abuse or bully; nor will he tolerate abuse or bullying of others.
He will not start a fight nor will he escalate a disagreement into one.
He will do his best to avoid a fight, but he will not run from one.
A Gentleman respects Ladies in all ways, and will never disrespect a
woman by word or deed.
A Gentleman may not agree with others but respects the opinions of
others and the rights of others to those opinions.
A True Gentleman puts the comfort of others in the room above his own
comfort, making them comfortable mentally as well as physically,
putting them at ease by avoiding topics that would put them ill at ease
This is about more than simply "good manners" - good manners are just a starting point.
A Gentleman never seeks amusement at another's expense: a Gentleman
never "baits" not bullies his companions nor does he enjoy "making them squirm".
"Jokes" are all well and good, but "Hazing" is not. Hazing often leads to injury and has a
streak of meanness about it! Group Mocking is more "bullying" and I will not tolerate it.
A whoopie cushion is a joke; tacks on the chair or in the shoes is a "beating offense" .
Anyone who tampers with my gear does so at their own certain peril; I will not abide by it.
I myself will not stand by and watch another person "prank" another fellow's equipment.
A common example of a "practical joke" is a blacksmith tossing a penny into his competitors fire,
thus contaminating the entire days work and ensure that no weld will "take". This "prank" is
not funny, is is plain and simple sabotage and theft. The perpetrator claims it is "just a joke"
but it is causing mischief at another's expense, costing him time and money.
Further, I will not stand by and allow a person to abuse a woman, child, or animal.
If necessary, I will (and have) imposed myself betwixt a bully (or gang) and another individual being bullied.
The most common retort is "it's only a joke" whereupon I reply "Not on my watch it isn't" .
The old Buddhist and Physician's rule comes tomind: "Above all else, do no harm"
This being said, one also has to know when to stand up to a bully, and what it
means to have undaunted courage. Living as a true gentleman is a far more complicated
endeavour than it may at first appear on the surface. There is a depth to it which
goes right to the bone. It has little to do with having money, or position...there are
gentlemen in rags, and brigands in velvet and lace. It has been said that a person's
character is largely set in stone by the age of five years, and being a gentleman is
all about character. Sometimes I think one is born to it, that, like artistic talent,
one either has it, or one does not. Technique can be learned, and the outward appearance
of a gentleman can be simulated, but the facade will crack under pressure. A true
gentleman will never break, and will go to the grave with his principles intact.
I leave you with the writings of Two True Gentlemen greater than I can hope to be:
Definition of a Gentleman
by Robert E. Lee, President of Washington College, 1865 to 1870 (yes, that one)
The forbearing use of power does not only form a touchstone, but the
manner in which an individual enjoys certain advantages over others is a
test of a true gentleman.
The power which the strong have over the weak, the employer over the
employed, the educated over the unlettered, the experienced over the
confiding, even the clever over the silly - the forbearing or
inoffensive use of all of this power or authority, or a total abstinence
from it when the case admits it, will show the gentleman in a plain light.
The gentleman does not needlessly and unnecessarily remind an offender
of a wrong he may have committed against him. He cannot only forgive, he
can forget; and he strives for that nobleness of self and mildness of
character which impart sufficient strength to let the past be but the
past. A true man of honor feels humbled when he cannot help humbling others.
--------------
"The Definition of a Gentleman"
by Cardinal Newman, from The Idea of a University, a series of lectures
given in Ireland, 1852.
Hence it is that it is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he
is one who never inflicts pain. This description is both refined and, as
far as it goes, accurate.
He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the
free and unembarrassed action of those about him; and he concurs with
their movements rather than takes the initiative himself.
His benefits may be considered as parallel to what are called comforts
or conveniences in arrangements of a personal nature; like an easy chair
or a good fire, which do their part in dispelling cold and fatigue,
though nature provides both means of rest and animal heat without them.
The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause a
jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast --- all
clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or
suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make
every one at his ease and at home.
He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful,
gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can
recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable
allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in
conversation, and never wearisome.
He makes light of favors while he does them, and seems to be receiving
when he is conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled,
never defends himself by a mere retort; he has no ears for slander or
gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with
him, and interprets everything for the best.
He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair
advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp saying for arguments,
or insinuates evil which he dare not say out.
From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage,
that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were
one day to be our friend.
He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well
employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice.
He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he
submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is
irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny.
If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect
preserves him from the blundering discourtesy of better, perhaps, but
less educated minds; who, like blunt weapons, tear and hack instead of
cutting clean, who mistake the point in argument, waste their strength
on trifles, misconceive their adversary, and leave the question more
involved than they find it. He may be right or wrong in his opinion, but
he is too clear-headed to be unjust; he is as simple as he is forcible,
and as brief as he is decisive. Nowhere shall we find greater candor,
consideration, indulgence: he throws himself into the minds of his
opponents, he accounts for their mistakes. He knows the weakness of
human reason as well as its strength, its province and its limits.
If he be an unbeliever, he will be too profound and large-minded to
ridicule religion or to act against it; he is too wise to be a dogmatist
or fanatic in his infidelity. He respects piety and devotion; he even
supports institutions as venerable, beautiful, or useful, to which he
does not assent; he honors the ministers of religion, and it contents
him to decline its mysteries without assailing or denouncing them. He is
a friend of religious toleration, and that, not only because his
philosophy has taught him to look on all forms of faith with an
impartial eye, but also from the gentleness and effeminacy of feeling,
which is the attendant on civilization.
-----------------------------------
yhs
prof marvel
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