Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 70390 times)

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #200 on: November 07, 2017, 05:34:36 am »
Daddy Longlegs

 A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden.  He smiled as he reflected
on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat.  
"Well", she said, "that may be okay in California , but we're  having none of that shit in Texas."
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #201 on: December 04, 2017, 07:54:42 pm »
The only thing funnier than Stevie Wonders twitter account is Helen Kellors.. who couldn't decide if she wanted to paint her room corduroy or velcro


 
« Last Edit: December 04, 2017, 08:01:40 pm by litl rooster »
Mathew 5.9



Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #202 on: December 08, 2017, 08:41:54 pm »
Since we had snow today


https://youtu.be/Hxhf8x1CZbw
Mathew 5.9



Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #203 on: June 24, 2018, 02:21:52 pm »

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds and raking the leaves in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

 
She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
 
She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
 
Her parents beamed with pride!
 
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and put some away for a new house."
 
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
 
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
 
If you know any Republicans that would get a chuckle out of this, share it with them.
 
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #204 on: July 28, 2018, 06:45:48 am »
Chuckle
Mathew 5.9



Online Baltimore Ed

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #205 on: July 28, 2018, 07:28:35 am »
Chuckle too, but I’m an independant.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2018, 07:30:15 am by Baltimore Ed »
"Give'em hell, Pike"
 There is no horse so dead that you cannot continue to beat it.

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #206 on: September 15, 2018, 07:38:52 am »
It been a while....so here another  :)

             A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
              One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, :I’m too young to die,: she cried. Then she yelled, “If I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
              For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stood up in the
rear of the plane.
              He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one
button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across
his chest.
              She gasped...Then, he spoke...
              “Iron this -- and then get me a beer.”
when planets align...do the deal !

Online Baltimore Ed

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #207 on: September 15, 2018, 09:37:23 am »
Not really a joke but a truism told to me by a great cowboy and fun competitor  ‘Ender’ aka Barry Gillam who was a professor at a college in VA [cant remember which] who has since passed. His ashes are on the range where my club, ECSASS shoots at the Dare Co Shooting Complex in NC. An aside, he got into horseback riding and named his horse Alpo. A very sick man but I digress.
  He was always getting in trouble at work especially for his language in class and was back in the deans office again. The dean explained to him that he couldn’t swear in class using the old analogy about ‘you can’t yell fire in a theater’ Ender calmly replied no, but you can yell ‘shit’.
 His twin brother was at his memorial service and had a good time freaking out the mourners.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2018, 11:20:23 am by Baltimore Ed »
"Give'em hell, Pike"
 There is no horse so dead that you cannot continue to beat it.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #208 on: October 18, 2018, 06:53:29 am »
Text from my wife

Mathew 5.9



Offline Scattered Thumbs

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #209 on: October 22, 2018, 03:30:14 pm »
Jeez Roo! You almost made me choke laughing. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #210 on: October 22, 2018, 05:08:08 pm »
Jeez Roo! You almost made me choke laughing. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


‘Ll bei playing the late show all week. ;)
Mathew 5.9



Online Baltimore Ed

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #211 on: October 02, 2019, 05:07:03 pm »
Saw this on another forum and thought of you guys, and coyotes are cas members, prop wise. Made me laugh.
"Give'em hell, Pike"
 There is no horse so dead that you cannot continue to beat it.

Offline Silver Creek Slim

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #212 on: October 02, 2019, 07:12:18 pm »
That's funny.

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Offline jacksimonton

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #213 on: October 05, 2019, 05:48:05 am »

After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.                                       
 

“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.

“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a--hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Nice one, love it guys.