Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 74856 times)

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #120 on: November 23, 2013, 03:52:17 PM »
Ole fella's sittin' in 'is recliner, watchin' roller derby 'n eatin' chili with 'is fingers when 'is grand boy runs up.

"Grand Dad, Grand Dad! Make a sound like a froggy toad! Quick!"

"Whatcha wan me ta do that for, boy?"

"Mommie said when you croak we can all go ta Disney World!"
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #121 on: November 24, 2013, 07:26:25 PM »
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #122 on: November 25, 2013, 10:08:18 AM »
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!

Yep!  In my case it was a life sentence, but I'm not complaining.   ;)
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #123 on: November 25, 2013, 11:40:17 AM »
And the racking of a Winchester keeps you both happy for the foreseeable future, right?  :)  Sorry, had to pull a Silace Robertson there.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #124 on: December 16, 2013, 12:03:41 PM »
ole this one from Black jack Schoefield

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

Needless to say, he got an A+.
 
Mathew 5.9

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #125 on: Today at 03:53:57 AM »

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #125 on: December 16, 2013, 01:09:11 PM »
Ain't no way I'd comment on that.......................................




Whatcha call a contrary kid what don't believe in Santa?












A rebel without a Claus.



Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Sod Buster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #126 on: December 16, 2013, 05:10:40 PM »
Arcey,

Don't ya know there is no "Sanity Claus".   ;D
SASS #49789L, NCOWS #2493, RATS #122, WARTHOGS, SBSS, SCORRS, STORM #287
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Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #127 on: December 17, 2013, 07:12:42 AM »
Ahhhhh…. Sanity. A mental condition rapidly becoming obsolete among the various levels of government, as well as a considerable portion of the electorate.



Good ta see ya, dude.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #128 on: December 17, 2013, 10:24:53 AM »
I'ma gettin' hungry.

Stress Diet

Breakfast:
Grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. Skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. Lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar of hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Evening Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules of the Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has not calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more that they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and don't count as part of one’s personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cause calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.
10. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his plate (and we know how calories like to cling).

Remember:  Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.


--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #129 on: December 29, 2013, 09:34:47 AM »
News:


Native Americans are demanding the Washington Redskins dropped the name "Washington" it is too much of an embarresment to them.
Mathew 5.9

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #130 on: Today at 03:53:57 AM »

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #130 on: December 30, 2013, 10:28:30 PM »
Stole this from my aunt on facebook.

A young guy gets a phone call on December 15.  He picks up his phone, and it is his father.

"What's going on dad?" he asks.  His father never called unless something was wrong.

"Your mother and I are getting a divorce."  the elderly man says.  The kid asks him why.  Dad replies,

"We been together 50 years, and just can't stand to look at each other anymore."

The kid says okay, and calls his sister in Tokyo to tell her the news.  After the screaming fit is over, she tells him,

"Get on a plane and be over there.  I'm coming on Tuesday."  The kid agrees, and hangs up.

Sister calls home and asks about it, receiving the same answer as her brother.   She tells her dad that she'll be home on Tuesday, and not to do anything until then, then hangs up.

Old man hangs up and turns to his wife with a smile.

"Dear, both of the kids will be home for Christmas, and they're paying their own fare."

ba-dum crash.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #131 on: January 06, 2014, 11:53:42 AM »
An ole boy was havin’ a conversation with The Almighty.

‘Why’d ya make wimmen beautiful?’

‘So you’d love ‘em. Make ya wanna cuddle up to ‘em ‘n make babies.’

‘Ok. But why’d ya make ‘em so dumb?’

‘So they’d love you.’
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #132 on: January 06, 2014, 01:00:37 PM »
ain't it the truth
Mathew 5.9

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #133 on: January 06, 2014, 03:16:31 PM »
That ain't funny!

Oh, wait.... yes it is.   :D
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #134 on: February 09, 2014, 12:26:58 AM »
Fine it's gone
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #135 on: February 20, 2014, 10:22:53 AM »
I stole this from Mick four fingers of death;


  Sunday CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a






Baptist and a Methodist!!!'

 
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #136 on: February 20, 2014, 11:46:13 AM »
A 1911 and a Glock walk into a bar.

1911 says, "Hey, ugly foreigner, how about a drinking contest?"

Glock says, " Are you joking?  You couldn't make it past 8 rounds!"


--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #137 on: March 25, 2014, 03:38:16 PM »
A Blonde is Overweight A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Mathew 5.9

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #138 on: April 10, 2014, 04:49:08 PM »
An angel appears before three men at the fishin' hole.

'What ails you?'

'My back hurts all the time.'

She put her hand on his back and the pain vanished.

'What ails you?' She asked another.

'Angel, I can't see very well without glasses now, and my eyesight is gettin' worse.'

She slips his glasses off his nose and throws them in the water. His eyesight is now 20/20.

She turns to the third man.

"Don't touch me, woman! I'm on disability!!!!!!"
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Texas Lawdog

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #139 on: April 10, 2014, 05:36:55 PM »
Hear Hear!
SASS#47185  RO I   ROII       NCOWS#2244  NCOWS Life #186  BOLD#393 GAF#318 SCORRS#1 SBSS#1485  WASA#666  RATS#111  BOSS#155  Storm#241 Henry 1860#92 W3G#1000  Warthog AZSA #28  American Plainsmen Society #69  Masonic Cowboy Shootist  Hiram's Rangers#18  FOP  Lt. Col  Grand Army of The Frontier, Life Member CAF
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