Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 70785 times)

Offline Fingers McGee

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #75 on: August 06, 2013, 01:31:49 pm »
Fingers (Show Me MO smoke) McGee;
SASS Regulator 28654 - LTG; NCOWS 3638
AKA Man of many Colts; Diabolical Ken's alter ego; stage writer extraordinaire; Frontiersman/Pistoleer; Rangemaster
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"Cynic:  A blackguard whose faulty vision sees thing as they are, not as they should be"  Ambrose Bierce

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #76 on: August 06, 2013, 01:48:23 pm »
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #77 on: August 06, 2013, 06:43:44 pm »
Ut oh..............

I didn't send a card.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #78 on: August 07, 2013, 10:51:56 am »
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...

Blue Eye Shadow toxicity was the cause of death.
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #79 on: August 07, 2013, 06:34:27 pm »
Phillis Diller said she saw Tammy Faye once without her make up on. 

Said it was just awful.

Said Tammy Faye's face was only about as big as a silver dollar.

 ::)
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #80 on: August 11, 2013, 06:52:19 am »
There was a bit of confusion at the True Value Hardware this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me."
"Lord the Liberals have pushed another BS Law though"  :o 
Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok , not that they will print it  ::)
 I needed the supplies so I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
when planets align...do the deal !

Online litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #81 on: August 11, 2013, 03:02:09 pm »
sorry I should have warned ya'll about that one.. You don't know how embarrassed I was
Mathew 5.9



Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #82 on: August 12, 2013, 06:23:21 am »
Y’all don’t need ta sweat it.

L’il ole gal behind the counter asked me who them masked men were. Tolt ‘er weren’t nobody I knew. She seemed a bit disappointed.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #83 on: August 17, 2013, 01:08:27 pm »
Sex after surgery ... 
 A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that
 a woman, one Anne Maynard,  has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after
 her husband had surgery there,  he lost all interest in sex.
 A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was  admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did
 was correct his eyesight."
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #84 on: August 23, 2013, 08:23:03 pm »
So, I got a great deal on a case of ammo during the recent ammo buying frenzy?  I was walking out of the gun store and was stopped by a fairly attractive woman who said

"Hey, wanna trade some ammo for sex?"

I said:  "Maybe, what kind of ammo you got for me?"
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #85 on: August 24, 2013, 11:20:35 pm »
English teacher joke.

"Knock knock"

"Who's there"

"To"

"To who?"

"That would be 'to whom.'"

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Online litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #86 on: August 25, 2013, 04:26:47 am »
I stole this from Hawg at another site


What are Grits ??

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.


These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits Are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in the South, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).


Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.


The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy ..
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.


How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause rotten teeth and impotence.


Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10: 1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverages to serve with Grits is black coffee and Bloody Mary's. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk). Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's cream of wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.

AMEN





BTW putting ketchup on anything is wrong
Mathew 5.9



Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #87 on: August 29, 2013, 12:54:48 pm »
 ;D
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

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by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #88 on: August 29, 2013, 07:04:38 pm »
Boy’s in the gym watchin’ this chicky-babe werk out on one the machines. He asks the manager which piece of equipment he should werk out on ta impress ‘er.

Manager points ta the corner ‘n sez, ‘the ATM o’er there.’
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Online litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #89 on: August 30, 2013, 04:00:49 pm »
Boy’s in the gym watchin’ this chicky-babe werk out on one the machines. He asks the manager which piece of equipment he should werk out on ta impress ‘er.

Manager points ta the corner ‘n sez, ‘the ATM o’er there.’

uh-huh




from Montana today

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Madam,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.



BTW 15 and 16 are now on my Bucket list

Mathew 5.9



Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #90 on: August 30, 2013, 07:03:26 pm »
Whatcha wanna do is walk inta a 7-11. Point ta the condom display ‘n ask the chicky-babe behind the register which brand she prefers.

Know a boy what used ta be a K-9 cop what did that. Clerk took offense. Though they were there ta help the customers.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #91 on: September 09, 2013, 12:17:51 am »
Here's one about difference of perspective.

  Two guys are standing at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere.  They're talking about stuff, when behind them in the woods there is a crunching sound.  They stop talking and listen and soon they find it sounds like footsteps.....very large footsteps.   After a minute, a Sasquatch pops out of the tree line, walks over to a payphone on a power pole and makes a call (coincidentally, he was calling the Loch Ness monster to schedule a lunch date.).   The one guy looks at this and say.  "Holy Crap! a Sasquatch!"   The other guy looks and says, "Holy Crap! I thought payphones were extinct!"     

du-dum, crash.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Online litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #92 on: September 09, 2013, 02:41:06 pm »
 ;D
Mathew 5.9



Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #93 on: September 09, 2013, 08:24:58 pm »
Weaverville has seven. ;D  Don't spit coffee on your computer.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #94 on: September 10, 2013, 08:40:25 am »
They’re bolted ta outsides of 7-11’a these parts. Forty sumthin’ boyfriend/girlfriend use ‘em ta keep numbers off their cell phone records ‘n away from husbands/wives. Dope deals, bookies same thing.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #95 on: September 11, 2013, 08:30:53 pm »
Weaverville has seven. ;D  Don't spit coffee on your computer.

--TK

Sasquatches?

Mean Bob
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #96 on: September 11, 2013, 10:06:30 pm »
That too, Bob. 

Actually, I've been to the site of the Patterson-Gimlin Sasquatch film from the 60's.  It was about an hour and a half drive, and another hour walk.  Of course, half the nonresident population smell like a Sasquatch, and probably have more hair...... :-X

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Online litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #97 on: October 04, 2013, 08:35:28 am »
help finding a Lost Pup

Mathew 5.9



Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #98 on: October 07, 2013, 11:30:31 pm »
I'd tell a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid there would be no reaction.....

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #99 on: October 08, 2013, 12:24:40 am »
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his midnight ride?








Whoa!
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