Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 74616 times)

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #60 on: June 24, 2013, 12:38:12 pm »
"If your brain was gunpowder and it blew up, your hair wouldn't even ruffle, you SOB."
      Calamity Jane. 8)

--TK


Excellent!
 I  always heard it:  If yer brains was gunpowder, you wouldn't be able to blow yer nose!

I like YOUR posted comment of Calamity Jane's version better, TK!
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
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(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #61 on: June 24, 2013, 04:28:33 pm »
I think there are many variations to that one. 8) 
"What did the rock say to the boulder."   "Nothing, inanimate objects can't talk."

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #62 on: June 25, 2013, 09:52:39 am »
 ;)   ;D
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Delmonico

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #63 on: July 02, 2013, 12:47:37 am »
Do you know how to tell if you've had too much coffee?
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You can thread the needle on a sewing machine while it is running. :o
Mongrel Historian


Always get the water for the coffee upstream from the herd.

Ab Ovo Usque ad Mala

The time has passed so quick, the years all run together now.

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #64 on: July 02, 2013, 10:08:53 am »
Shoot, Newt, I can't thread one when it's not running.  ::)
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #65 on: Today at 09:25:38 am »

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #65 on: August 04, 2013, 08:33:11 am »
In Texas there is a town called Muenster, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #66 on: August 04, 2013, 10:38:21 am »
In Texas there is a town called Muenster, where there is a large German-speaking population.
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."


Ha!  That's an old one the Scots Tell about an Englishman who "Ha'nt the Gaelic"

Mean Bob Mean
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Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #67 on: August 04, 2013, 11:51:11 am »
A blond is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She is frantic and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control, and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio...
"Repeat after me:  Our Father who art in Heaven..."
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #68 on: August 04, 2013, 03:04:22 pm »
I love political humor
Mathew 5.9

Offline Stu Kettle

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #69 on: August 04, 2013, 05:04:49 pm »
I love political humor

Me too. Did someone lower the flag?  I just found out that it Obama's birthday. 

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #70 on: Today at 09:25:38 am »

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #70 on: August 04, 2013, 06:33:49 pm »
Political humor?

Them's true stories.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #71 on: August 05, 2013, 10:37:47 am »
An old country preacher... ...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

  1. A Bible... 
  2. A silver dollar...
  3. A bottle of whiskey... 
  4. And a Playboy magazine... 
 
  "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!
    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
    And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
 
  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table...
  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
 
  "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.  "He's gonna run for Congress!"
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #72 on: August 05, 2013, 07:22:46 pm »
Heck. Thought the punch line was gonna be Jim Bakker………….
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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #73 on: August 05, 2013, 07:43:52 pm »
Heck. Thought the punch line was gonna be Jim Bakker………….

Ok, that was funny.

Cheers!

Mean Bob Mean
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Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #74 on: August 06, 2013, 05:48:39 am »
I though he died ??? :-\
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Fingers McGee

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #75 on: August 06, 2013, 01:31:49 pm »
Fingers (Show Me MO smoke) McGee;
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Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #76 on: August 06, 2013, 01:48:23 pm »
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #77 on: August 06, 2013, 06:43:44 pm »
Ut oh..............

I didn't send a card.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #78 on: August 07, 2013, 10:51:56 am »
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...

Blue Eye Shadow toxicity was the cause of death.
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #79 on: August 07, 2013, 06:34:27 pm »
Phillis Diller said she saw Tammy Faye once without her make up on. 

Said it was just awful.

Said Tammy Faye's face was only about as big as a silver dollar.

 ::)
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

 

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