Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 70895 times)

Offline litl rooster

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Stolen Joke
« on: May 20, 2011, 06:51:59 am »
I stole this from Glens 67

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do
anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue
Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page
technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite
than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand
a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and
Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey
in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it
only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also
important.


Ladies.....Quit Laughing.


Glen
Mathew 5.9



Offline wildman1

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2011, 09:22:13 am »
Roo, don't take this wrong but I like stupid jokes (am not sayin that one is stupid). But did ya hear about the new pard we got on this here site? Hopalong Cascity. My wife says I'm incorrigable, so I said then don't incorrige me. I'm sorry I really can't help it.  :P WM
« Last Edit: June 21, 2011, 05:28:00 am by wildman1 »
WARTHOG, Dirty Rat #600, BOLD #1056, CGCS,GCSAA, NMLRA, NRA, AF&AM, CBBRC.  If all that cowboy has ever seen is a stockdam, he ain't gonna believe ya when ya tell him about whales.

Offline Leo Tanner

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2011, 11:53:32 am »
Hopalong Cascity is partnered up with the Sumdunce Kid.  Heard they was up ta no good.  Figgers I would find em here.  I guess Hopalong was Butch's brother.
"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.



Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2011, 11:46:03 pm »
Excellent!
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Texas Lawdog

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2011, 05:18:39 am »
You can pick your nose, but not your relatives.
SASS#47185  RO I   ROII       NCOWS#2244  NCOWS Life #186  BOLD#393 GAF#318 SCORRS#1 SBSS#1485  WASA#666  RATS#111  BOSS#155  Storm#241 Henry 1860#92 W3G#1000  Warthog AZSA #28  American Plainsmen Society #69  Masonic Cowboy Shootist  Hiram's Rangers#18  FOP  Lt. Col  Grand Army of The Frontier, Life Member CAF
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Offline wildman1

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2011, 05:30:34 am »
Ya can pick yer nose, ya can pick yer friends ,but ya can't pick yer friends nose.  :P WM
WARTHOG, Dirty Rat #600, BOLD #1056, CGCS,GCSAA, NMLRA, NRA, AF&AM, CBBRC.  If all that cowboy has ever seen is a stockdam, he ain't gonna believe ya when ya tell him about whales.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2011, 08:34:18 am »
Ya can pick yer nose, ya can pick yer friends ,but ya can't pick yer friends nose.  :P WM


who sez?
Mathew 5.9



Offline Leo Tanner

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2011, 10:45:16 am »
My Gramma would take us to movies an say somethin about not picking someone else's seat. 
"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.



Offline Texas Lawdog

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2011, 01:27:00 pm »
 I would imagine that Leo got hisself in lots O trouble at the movies, given his habits of getting in trouble.
SASS#47185  RO I   ROII       NCOWS#2244  NCOWS Life #186  BOLD#393 GAF#318 SCORRS#1 SBSS#1485  WASA#666  RATS#111  BOSS#155  Storm#241 Henry 1860#92 W3G#1000  Warthog AZSA #28  American Plainsmen Society #69  Masonic Cowboy Shootist  Hiram's Rangers#18  FOP  Lt. Col  Grand Army of The Frontier, Life Member CAF
   Col.  CAF  NRA  TSRA   BOA  Dooley Gang  BOPP  ROWSS  Scarlet Mask Vigilance Society Great Lakes Freight and Mining Company  Cow Cracker Cavalry   Berger Sharpshooters "I had no Irons in the Fire". "Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie"?

Offline Leo Tanner

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2011, 01:51:07 pm »
What harm is one paper airplane?  Landed one in some guys pop corn bucket.  It was the worth the ear clapping I got.  I tore flaps in the wings so it would barrel roll and go straight down.
"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.



Offline Trinity

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2011, 08:39:06 am »
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I start out folding and then end up rolling.  I know it's going to happen, but still always start out the same way.  Glad to see I'm not the only one.  ;D
"Finest partner I ever had.  Cleans his paws and buries his leavin's.  Lot more than some folks I know."

                   


"I fumbled through my closet for my clothes, And found my cleanest dirty shirt" - K.Kristofferson

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2011, 10:06:00 am »
stole this from a friend who like me is not too smart so, I know he stole it from someone else

World's Shortest Books

 

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

By Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore

Foreword by George Soros

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton

______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

By Hillary Clinton

_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

By Amelia Earhart

____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

By Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell

__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

By Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

By O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

By Ted Kennedy

_________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

By Bill Clinton

With introduction by

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

____________________________________________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL

By The Minnesota Vikings

___________________________________________________

 

AND, JUST ADDED

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
by Nancy Pelosi

________________________________________________________

And the shortest book of them all......................

 

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE

THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

 

 
Mathew 5.9



Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2011, 10:53:27 am »
My freezer has a light of its own.  So there!
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke Refreshed 2.5.2012
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2013, 06:26:09 am »
I'm no expert but I am thinking there is something fishy about this video


http://youtu.be/Xoe5Vjl90-o

...
« Last Edit: February 05, 2013, 10:27:38 pm by litl rooster »
Mathew 5.9



Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2013, 06:34:14 pm »
FROZEN fishy!

Good one, Ralphie!
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #15 on: February 07, 2013, 06:33:56 am »
I dunno...............

Advances in technology 'n all I'm pretty sure they don't hafta dry clean them coats these days.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke, updated
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2013, 07:00:06 am »
 From my friend Mark


  The Last Nickel
>>
>>                         A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
>>
>>                         Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.  The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.  Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>>
>>                         A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
>>
>>                         Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>
>>                         Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>
>>                         As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor? "
>>
>>                         "No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
>>
Mathew 5.9



Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2013, 11:12:48 am »
 ;D
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2013, 11:20:16 am »
I just pinched this from Paladin UK!

> Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
> golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
> if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
>
> "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
>
> So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
> newcomer.
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do
> you do for a living?"
>
> "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
>
> "You're joking!" was the response.
>
> "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
>
> "Here are my tools."
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
> look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
> So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
> his house.
>
> "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
> right in the window."
>
> "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait
> a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
>
> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
> "I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
> trigger."
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
> "First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
>
> "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to
> teach him a lesson."
>
> The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
> minutes.
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
>
> "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
> here..."

 

 

 




NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2013, 11:29:50 am »
 ;)
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #20 on: February 24, 2013, 08:27:22 am »
truely stolen

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZygXK2sGkI[/youtube]
Mathew 5.9



Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2013, 10:13:35 am »
In memory of Bob!!


Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday...
Mathew 5.9



Offline Leo Tanner

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2013, 10:39:36 am »
Balieve it er not, the first time I heard that joke was from a preacher.  He's normally very serious so that one threw me.
"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.



Offline Six Gun Saint

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #23 on: February 26, 2013, 03:26:21 pm »
Antonio came home from his job at the meat factory one day.

He said, "Sophia my love, they took my job.  Fired me for sticking my finger in the sausage stuffer!"

Sophia looks at him, angry, and asks "What harm can your finger do to the sausage stuffer?!"

Antonio stands up and says "That's what SHE WANTED TO KNOW!"

---

I'll get my coat and see myself out.
The above may or may not be influenced by medications and/or alcohol...  (i.e. don't blame me if it's bad spelling/incoherent)
--------

July 9, 2011-The Birth of Southern Sudan!

Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh, Wgah'nagl Fhtagn!

Do not believe in yourself, believe in me, who believes in you!-Courage Wolf

The gods only go with you, if you put yourself in their path. And that takes courage...-The Crystal Cave

Hiding won't help you, you see...  I control the bullets-I make them go where I want.

A gun's power isn't in it's muzzle velocity or caliber...-Revolver Ocelot

WE DON'T RENT PIGS!

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2013, 06:39:45 pm »


After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.                                       
 

“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.

“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a--hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"


 
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”