Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 75260 times)

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

  • THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
  • NCOWS Member
  • Top Active Citizen
  • ***
  • Posts: 6057
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 39
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #180 on: September 20, 2014, 03:56:04 PM »
> Subject: Fwd: Old Cowboys>
>
> Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
> and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
> rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...>
>
> Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
> cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
> gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
> and castrated that sucker with my teeth.">
>
> Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
> walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
> under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
> bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
>
>
>
> Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
> campfire coals with his pecker...       
>
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

  • THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
  • NCOWS Member
  • Top Active Citizen
  • ***
  • Posts: 6057
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 39
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #181 on: September 27, 2014, 01:51:55 PM »
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

 

 

 
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

  • THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
  • NCOWS Member
  • Top Active Citizen
  • ***
  • Posts: 6057
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 39
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #182 on: November 11, 2014, 05:06:25 PM »
An old guy goes to this doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist
is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'”.

The old guy obeys and says,
'99'.
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,


'99’".


Again, the old guy says,


'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good.


Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.


I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.


Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.”
The old guy begins,
"One...
two…
three…"

NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Arcey

  • Underlord of Soot
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 6701
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #183 on: November 27, 2014, 06:33:48 AM »
O'Bama goes to a bank to cash a check. Teller wants ID. He ain't got it.

Teller sez t'other day a famous golfer come in 'n put a glass on the floor, walked ta the other end the lobby 'n made a putt inta the glass. Winnin' stock car driver come in 'n did burn outs in the parkin' lot. Stuff ta prove who they were.

O'Bama said he didn't have a clue as ta what ta do.

Teller sez, “OK, Mr. President. Do ya want this in large er small bills?”
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline litl rooster

  • Retired Cowboy... with saddle a 94 and the good book
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 11676
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 241
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #184 on: November 27, 2014, 02:58:09 PM »
 ;D ;D
Mathew 5.9

Advertisers

  • Guest
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #185 on: Today at 09:40:24 AM »

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

  • THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
  • NCOWS Member
  • Top Active Citizen
  • ***
  • Posts: 6057
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 39
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #185 on: December 12, 2014, 09:10:38 AM »
        Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:                 

         

        Business Man: What is your name?                     

         

        Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!                     

         

        Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?                     

         

        Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.                     

         

        Business Man: How close?                     

         

        Hostess: Same price!
           

.
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Major 2

  • "Still running against the wind"
  • Deputy Marshal
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 12856
  • Cracker Cow Cavalry
  • NCOWS #: 3032
  • GAF #: 785
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 74
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #186 on: March 04, 2015, 09:50:41 AM »
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation  has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.

The  preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember,  you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.
 
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from  the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she  spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible mis-understanding. I  never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The  preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Texas Lawdog

  • NCOWS Senator "Old School" Cop
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 11634
  • " We're all Here because We're not all There".
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #187 on: March 05, 2015, 08:01:32 AM »
Give Me A Hell Yes!
SASS#47185  RO I   ROII       NCOWS#2244  NCOWS Life #186  BOLD#393 GAF#318 SCORRS#1 SBSS#1485  WASA#666  RATS#111  BOSS#155  Storm#241 Henry 1860#92 W3G#1000  Warthog AZSA #28  American Plainsmen Society #69  Masonic Cowboy Shootist  Hiram's Rangers#18  FOP  Lt. Col  Grand Army of The Frontier, Life Member CAF
   Col.  CAF  NRA  TSRA   BOA  Dooley Gang  BOPP  ROWSS  Scarlet Mask Vigilance Society Great Lakes Freight and Mining Company  Cow Cracker Cavalry   Berger Sharpshooters "I had no Irons in the Fire". "Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle Dixie"?

Offline litl rooster

  • Retired Cowboy... with saddle a 94 and the good book
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 11676
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 241
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #188 on: March 17, 2015, 05:55:32 PM »
Hands a waving
Mathew 5.9

Offline Lucky Irish Tom

  • Drunken Irish Darksider
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 2902
  • If I can't see the targets neither can the spotter
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #189 on: March 19, 2015, 09:36:19 PM »
And the voices of the choir rose in glorious chorus!
If ya can't be fast it's good to be Lucky!
Official Irish Whiskey Taster
SASS 40271, WARTHOG, Darksider, Dirty RATS, RO2

Advertisers

  • Guest
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #190 on: Today at 09:40:24 AM »

Offline The Trinity Kid

  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 2036
  • These are some of my...Friends
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #190 on: May 17, 2015, 01:11:57 AM »
Did you know that you can tell what branch of the military a man served in, just by leading him to a barbed-wire fence?

The Marine crawls under it without getting scratched.

The Soldier crawls between two strands, getting a little pricked in the process.

The Sailor crawls over the whole thing, cussing up a storm from all the holes in his pants.

The Airman walks five feet to the right and walks through the open gate.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

  • THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
  • NCOWS Member
  • Top Active Citizen
  • ***
  • Posts: 6057
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 39
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #191 on: May 17, 2015, 10:55:52 AM »
What is the past tense of fellatio?


BLUE JOB! :D


Inter-service slanging can go too many directions.  Like; - what is brown and comes out of the rear of a Buffalo?

signed; A 30 mile sniper, or as some say a "drop-short."
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Mean Bob Mean

  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 999
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #192 on: June 15, 2015, 12:13:37 PM »
Good one Major!

Here's one:  A pastor and his deacon were going over the needs of the congregation when the pastor said:

"Jim, I am terribly troubled by the casual manner in which sex is treated these days. Almost every person who comes to me to talk notes that they were sleeping with their spouse before they married.  I mean, I never slept with my wife before I was married, did you?"

Deacon Jim said:  "I can't say Pastor, what was your wife's maiden name?"
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline Major 2

  • "Still running against the wind"
  • Deputy Marshal
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 12856
  • Cracker Cow Cavalry
  • NCOWS #: 3032
  • GAF #: 785
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 74
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #193 on: June 15, 2015, 01:05:49 PM »
I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop

Muslim Books Store , so what the heck, I stroll in and wander around, the clerk stops me and ask " could he help me ? "
him figuring I don't look like his normal Clientele .  :-\

So I asked  " for a copy of the American Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims "

He say's " F*ck off,  get out,  and stay out "  >:(

I said " Yes, that's the one do you have it in paperback ?"
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Mean Bob Mean

  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 999
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #194 on: June 19, 2015, 02:20:02 PM »
I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop


Got a big laugh at work, thanks.
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline Major 2

  • "Still running against the wind"
  • Deputy Marshal
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 12856
  • Cracker Cow Cavalry
  • NCOWS #: 3032
  • GAF #: 785
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 74
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #195 on: June 19, 2015, 04:22:11 PM »
I try  :)
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline The Trinity Kid

  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 2036
  • These are some of my...Friends
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #196 on: February 18, 2017, 05:25:46 PM »
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Major 2

  • "Still running against the wind"
  • Deputy Marshal
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 12856
  • Cracker Cow Cavalry
  • NCOWS #: 3032
  • GAF #: 785
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 74
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #197 on: March 29, 2017, 03:40:34 PM »
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.   
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.  She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
 
 The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers and I voted twice for Obama."
She starts work in the morning.
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Major 2

  • "Still running against the wind"
  • Deputy Marshal
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 12856
  • Cracker Cow Cavalry
  • NCOWS #: 3032
  • GAF #: 785
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 74
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #198 on: March 31, 2017, 07:26:28 AM »

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.  "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
 
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republicans brain."
 
The moment turned awkward.  Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.  A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Re-publican's brain?"
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline Ben Beam

  • SASS Affiliated Merchant (#105892)
  • Top Active Citizen
  • *
  • Posts: 247
    • Ben Beam & Co. -- Old West Ephemera
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #199 on: March 31, 2017, 09:13:16 AM »
Trump.
Ben Beam & Co. -- Bringing You a New Old West -- Reproduction Old West Ephemera for re-enactors, living historians, set dressing, chuckwagons, props, or just for fun!
http://www.BenBeam.com

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk

© 1995 - 2020 CAScity.com