Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 70703 times)

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #100 on: October 08, 2013, 07:00:08 pm »
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?


Because its a little meteor.
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #101 on: October 09, 2013, 10:46:21 am »
 ;D ;D ;D

That little quote on your name-thing, the one by Mark Twain,    I always heard it "History never repeats itself. However, the present is very good at emulating it."   

Interesting how things change from person to person.....


Today I asked the guy next to me in chemistry if he had any Sodium Bromide.  He told me "NaBro."   ;)

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #102 on: October 10, 2013, 08:48:47 am »
;D ;D ;D

That little quote on your name-thing, the one by Mark Twain,    I always heard it "History never repeats itself. However, the present is very good at emulating it."   

Interesting how things change from person to person.....


Today I asked the guy next to me in chemistry if he had any Sodium Bromide.  He told me "NaBro."   ;)

--TK


 ;)
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

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(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
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Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #103 on: October 10, 2013, 08:49:35 am »
Chem majors are howling at that one, T.Kid!
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #104 on: October 10, 2013, 11:29:43 pm »
I figgured they would.  I'm taking Chemistry for school right now, so....I've got a few jokes on it. :P 

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were dancin' at the picnic.  It was like, OMG..... ::) ::)  Sorry, girl next to me told that one......

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Steel Horse Bailey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #105 on: October 11, 2013, 11:45:37 am »
 ;)
"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

SEE MY PHOTOS: http://s17.photobucket.com/albums/b70/m1a1mstrgn/
NCOWS #1919 for Life, SASS Life #27463, NRA Life, Honourable Master of the Black Arts, GAF#98, SBSS, WARTHOG, STORM, American Legion Post # 495
*and a few other organizations*
F.&A.M. - Wayne Guthrie Lodge #753 *** Hiram's Rangers #105
(former) US Army M1 & M1A1 Tank Master Gunner
AKA - Jeff Bailey  A Three-Percenter & Sheepdog

Take me out to the black, tell 'em I aint comin' back. Burn the land; boil the sea: you can't take the sky from me. Have no place I must be; since I found Serenity:  you can't take the sky from me.
by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #106 on: October 18, 2013, 08:11:25 am »
Wimmen are gettin’ more ‘n more difficult ta figger.

Finished up some bidness it the broker’s office t’other day. Was headin’ to the lobby when the elevator stopped. An attractive woman stepped on ‘n faced me.

She sez, “Press one, please.”

I did what she asked ‘n she slapped the snot outta me.
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #107 on: October 18, 2013, 10:31:26 am »
Wimmen are gettin’ more ‘n more difficult ta figger.

Finished up some bidness it the broker’s office t’other day. Was headin’ to the lobby when the elevator stopped. An attractive woman stepped on ‘n faced me.

She sez, “Press one, please.”

I did what she asked ‘n she slapped the snot outta me.



glad she didn't say 2 ;)
Mathew 5.9



Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #108 on: October 18, 2013, 10:47:32 am »
I just stole this from East Texas, it was too good to leave behind



No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.
Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work
 on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged
 for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

 The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent
 to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
 detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

 So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:
 <ATT00001>
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch
 for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition
 of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
 several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In
 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889,
 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he
 was standing collapsed."

 


Now THAT's how its done, Folks!
Mathew 5.9



Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #109 on: October 18, 2013, 05:06:33 pm »
long, low whistle. :)

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #110 on: October 25, 2013, 07:48:02 pm »
OK

Why must you always take two Baptist preachers with you when you go fishing?








If you take only one, he drinks all your whiskey. 
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
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Offline Major 2

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #111 on: October 26, 2013, 04:02:04 am »
SPAM !

The sound a sky diving pig makes when his parachute does not open !
« Last Edit: October 26, 2013, 04:06:36 am by Major 2 »
when planets align...do the deal !

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #112 on: October 26, 2013, 04:27:25 am »
 :o
Mathew 5.9



Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #113 on: October 26, 2013, 01:44:21 pm »
What do you get when you cross Lassie and a cantaloupe?


A melon-collie baby! ::)

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline Mean Bob Mean

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #114 on: October 29, 2013, 12:01:51 am »
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
"We tried a desperate game and lost. But we are rough men used to rough ways, and we will abide by the consequences."
- Cole Younger

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #115 on: November 15, 2013, 07:31:52 am »
What are the differences between the First Dog Bo and that jackass of a president B.O.?











Bo is documented


Remember I just steal 'm from others and post them here
Mathew 5.9



Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #116 on: November 16, 2013, 06:54:54 pm »
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, "B.O. for pres. 2012!"  I knew something smelled funny about that feller......

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #117 on: November 18, 2013, 07:20:17 pm »
 A recent survey said 1 in every 3 adults will have an affair.

I have been trying to figure out all day if it is my wife or girlfriend that is having the affair.
Mathew 5.9



Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #118 on: November 20, 2013, 06:56:35 am »
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so P...eter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



Mathew 5.9



Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #119 on: November 20, 2013, 10:37:20 am »
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they are walking along they come across a sign that says: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I'm entering" says Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place!" says Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign that says: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place!" answers Superman.  "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign that says: "Contest!  Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio smiles and says "This is mine!"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they ask.

"Who in the hell is (your favorite little-known politician)?" asks Pinocchio.

NOTE: In the army we used to say "No names;- No pack-drill"  You Canucks will know who I infer.

 

NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Arcey

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #120 on: November 23, 2013, 03:52:17 pm »
Ole fella's sittin' in 'is recliner, watchin' roller derby 'n eatin' chili with 'is fingers when 'is grand boy runs up.

"Grand Dad, Grand Dad! Make a sound like a froggy toad! Quick!"

"Whatcha wan me ta do that for, boy?"

"Mommie said when you croak we can all go ta Disney World!"
Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.

Offline Sir Charles deMouton-Black

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #121 on: November 24, 2013, 07:26:25 pm »
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!
NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

Offline Forty Rod

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #122 on: November 25, 2013, 10:08:18 am »
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!

Yep!  In my case it was a life sentence, but I'm not complaining.   ;)
People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.

Offline The Trinity Kid

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #123 on: November 25, 2013, 11:40:17 am »
And the racking of a Winchester keeps you both happy for the foreseeable future, right?  :)  Sorry, had to pull a Silace Robertson there.

--TK
"Nobody who has not been up in the sky on a glorious morning can possibly imagine the way a pilot feels in free heaven." William T. Piper


   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?

Offline litl rooster

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Re: Stolen Joke
« Reply #124 on: December 16, 2013, 12:03:41 pm »
ole this one from Black jack Schoefield

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

Needless to say, he got an A+.
 
Mathew 5.9