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GENERAL TOPICS => Tall Tales => Topic started by: litl rooster on May 20, 2011, 06:51:59 am

Title: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on May 20, 2011, 06:51:59 am
I stole this from Glens 67

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do
anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue
Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page
technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite
than Kay.


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand
a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and
Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey
in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it
only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also
important.


Ladies.....Quit Laughing.


Glen
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: wildman1 on May 20, 2011, 09:22:13 am
Roo, don't take this wrong but I like stupid jokes (am not sayin that one is stupid). But did ya hear about the new pard we got on this here site? Hopalong Cascity. My wife says I'm incorrigable, so I said then don't incorrige me. I'm sorry I really can't help it.  :P WM
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on May 20, 2011, 11:53:32 am
Hopalong Cascity is partnered up with the Sumdunce Kid.  Heard they was up ta no good.  Figgers I would find em here.  I guess Hopalong was Butch's brother.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on June 20, 2011, 11:46:03 pm
Excellent!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Texas Lawdog on June 21, 2011, 05:18:39 am
You can pick your nose, but not your relatives.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: wildman1 on June 21, 2011, 05:30:34 am
Ya can pick yer nose, ya can pick yer friends ,but ya can't pick yer friends nose.  :P WM
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 21, 2011, 08:34:18 am
Ya can pick yer nose, ya can pick yer friends ,but ya can't pick yer friends nose.  :P WM


who sez?
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on June 21, 2011, 10:45:16 am
My Gramma would take us to movies an say somethin about not picking someone else's seat. 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Texas Lawdog on June 21, 2011, 01:27:00 pm
 I would imagine that Leo got hisself in lots O trouble at the movies, given his habits of getting in trouble.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on June 21, 2011, 01:51:07 pm
What harm is one paper airplane?  Landed one in some guys pop corn bucket.  It was the worth the ear clapping I got.  I tore flaps in the wings so it would barrel roll and go straight down.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Trinity on July 10, 2011, 08:39:06 am
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I start out folding and then end up rolling.  I know it's going to happen, but still always start out the same way.  Glad to see I'm not the only one.  ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 27, 2011, 10:06:00 am
stole this from a friend who like me is not too smart so, I know he stole it from someone else

World's Shortest Books

 

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

By Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore

Foreword by George Soros

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton

______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

By Hillary Clinton

_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

By Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

By Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

By Amelia Earhart

____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

By Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell

__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

By Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

By O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

By Ted Kennedy

_________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

By Bill Clinton

With introduction by

The Rev. Jesse Jackson

____________________________________________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL

By The Minnesota Vikings

___________________________________________________

 

AND, JUST ADDED

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
by Nancy Pelosi

________________________________________________________

And the shortest book of them all......................

 

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE

THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

 

 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on August 27, 2011, 10:53:27 am
My freezer has a light of its own.  So there!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke Refreshed 2.5.2012
Post by: litl rooster on February 05, 2013, 06:26:09 am
I'm no expert but I am thinking there is something fishy about this video


http://youtu.be/Xoe5Vjl90-o

...
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on February 06, 2013, 06:34:14 pm
FROZEN fishy!

Good one, Ralphie!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on February 07, 2013, 06:33:56 am
I dunno...............

Advances in technology 'n all I'm pretty sure they don't hafta dry clean them coats these days.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke, updated
Post by: litl rooster on February 20, 2013, 07:00:06 am
 From my friend Mark


  The Last Nickel
>>
>>                         A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
>>
>>                         Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.  The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.  Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>>
>>                         A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
>>
>>                         Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>
>>                         Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>
>>                         As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor? "
>>
>>                         "No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
>>
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on February 20, 2013, 11:12:48 am
 ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on February 20, 2013, 11:20:16 am
I just pinched this from Paladin UK!

> Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
> golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
> if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
>
> "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
>
> So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
> newcomer.
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do
> you do for a living?"
>
> "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
>
> "You're joking!" was the response.
>
> "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
>
> "Here are my tools."
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
> look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
> So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
> his house.
>
> "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
> right in the window."
>
> "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait
> a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
>
> He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
> "I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
> trigger."
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
> "First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
>
> "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to
> teach him a lesson."
>
> The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
> minutes.
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
>
> "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
> here..."

 

 

 




Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on February 20, 2013, 11:29:50 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on February 24, 2013, 08:27:22 am
truely stolen

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZygXK2sGkI[/youtube]
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on February 25, 2013, 10:13:35 am
In memory of Bob!!


Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday...
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on February 25, 2013, 10:39:36 am
Balieve it er not, the first time I heard that joke was from a preacher.  He's normally very serious so that one threw me.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Six Gun Saint on February 26, 2013, 03:26:21 pm
Antonio came home from his job at the meat factory one day.

He said, "Sophia my love, they took my job.  Fired me for sticking my finger in the sausage stuffer!"

Sophia looks at him, angry, and asks "What harm can your finger do to the sausage stuffer?!"

Antonio stands up and says "That's what SHE WANTED TO KNOW!"

---

I'll get my coat and see myself out.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on March 02, 2013, 06:39:45 pm


After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.                                       
 

“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.

“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a--hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"


 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on March 03, 2013, 10:48:33 pm
A Newfie is like the equvialant of a West Virginian here



I just stole this from "Indy" at another site


Homeless Mans Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on March 04, 2013, 09:34:14 am
Doh!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on March 13, 2013, 11:12:27 am
A drunk hails a cab 'n snatches open the front passenger's door.

'Hey, Cabbie! Can ya carry a couple pizzas 'n a twelve pack up here?'

'Sure!'

Drunk barfs all o'er the front seat......................


Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Texas Lawdog on March 13, 2013, 11:14:48 am
YUCK!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on March 14, 2013, 11:53:05 am
http://vimeo.com/61275290
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Silver Creek Slim on March 16, 2013, 09:53:42 am
That is great.

Slim
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on March 19, 2013, 04:17:01 pm
There's an old precher, known for giving two hour sermons.  One week his sermon is only an hour, the next half the next fifteen minutes.  Finally, one Sunday he doesn't preach at all.  One of the Deacons comes up and asks him what's wrong and he replies, "I got new dentures and they're still breaking in."
   Well, the next Sunday, this preacher really lays it to them with a four hour sermon, at which point the deacons have to wrestle him to the ground to get him to stop. When he does eventually stop, he pulls out his dentures and lays them on the floor. The same Deacon as the previous week asks him what happened, to which the preacher replies, " Remind me never to borrow my wifes dentures again."


--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on March 20, 2013, 09:24:09 am
L’il gal goes ta ‘er grand ma’s with ‘er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit ‘n talk ‘n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they’re leavin’ he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet ‘er ‘n thanks ‘er for the nuts.

‘I’m glad ya enjoyed ‘em.’ She sez. ‘Hate ta see ‘em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off ‘n spit ‘em out.’



Thought since we were talkin’ dentures……………………
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on March 20, 2013, 11:46:48 am
L’il gal goes ta ‘er grand ma’s with ‘er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit ‘n talk ‘n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they’re leavin’ he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet ‘er ‘n thanks ‘er for the nuts.

‘I’m glad ya enjoyed ‘em.’ She sez. ‘Hate ta see ‘em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off ‘n spit ‘em out.’



Thought since we were talkin’ dentures……………………



 :o   :o   :o

 ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on March 20, 2013, 10:57:20 pm
Okay than..... :-X :-X :-X :o :o

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on April 11, 2013, 11:37:25 am
Duck walks inta a 7-11.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘No. We don’t carry grapes.’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘Ain’t what we do, duck. No, no grapes.’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘Look, duck! We’re a 7-11! We don’t sell grapes ‘n if you come back askin’ tomorrow I’m gonna nail yer stinky l’il feet to the floor!’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any nails?’

‘NO!’

Duck sez, ‘Great! Got any grapes?’
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on April 11, 2013, 01:26:06 pm
:D

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on April 12, 2013, 11:45:26 am
Yeppppp!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on April 21, 2013, 07:00:54 pm
O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on April 25, 2013, 04:06:36 pm
that's a true story
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on April 25, 2013, 07:26:19 pm
Heard folks say that. I weren’t there, dunno. Do know I’ve ne’er stole nobody’s hat. From there the fifth.





Pair of jumper cables walk inta a bar.

Bartender sez, ‘Y’all try’n start sumthin’ yer outta here!’
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: wildman1 on April 26, 2013, 07:47:15 am
Termite walks inta a bar, says "where's the bar tender?" WM
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on April 26, 2013, 09:50:42 am
bar jokes huh ?

A string coils in a bar and orders a drink

Barkeeps says "we don't serve string in here"

So the string leaves....

but the next day,  he's back all twisted and shreaded and wadded up.

again he orders a drink ,

Barkeep shouts " I DON"T SERVE STRING " !

String yells back  " WHY ? "

Barkeep yells " Your a dam STRING !


String yells back ( wait for it )





" I"M   a fraid not    !
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Leo Tanner on April 26, 2013, 11:07:16 am
Little gal walks into a department store an heads fer the kitchen section.

A clerk approaches her and asks if he can help.

She says, "I need one of those things that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold:

Clerk asks if she means a Thermos.

Gal says, "I dunno, as long as it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".

Wanting to make sure he gets her the right item he asks her what she is planning to put in it.




She answers him,  "Two cups of coffee an a popsicle".
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on April 26, 2013, 07:06:29 pm
Or the 88 fan what asked the chicky babe behind the counter it Dunkin Donuts how many cups his thermos would hold.

She tells ‘im five.

He hands it to 'er 'n tells ‘er he wants two black, two with cream ‘n sugar ‘n one with milk ‘n two packets of Sweet ‘n Low………………………
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on April 30, 2013, 06:32:07 pm





A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American! 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on June 07, 2013, 06:30:18 am
Ole boy walks into an antique store and see's this brass rat sitting on a shelf. He can't keep his eyes off it, he has to have it. So he picks it up brings it to the counter and asks the clerk "how much". The clerk tells him, "that there's gonna run you $200."

"Derned expensive fer a brass rat but I gotta have it.”

As the ole boy is leaving the antique store the clerk sez fer ‘nother $100 ‘e’d tell ‘im the tale of the brass."

The ole boy tells ‘im where he kin put ‘is story ‘n leaves.
 
As ‘e walks along, ‘e notices he has five rats following him. He thinks to himself that this is strange but don’t pay it any mind so he walks two more blocks towards his house ‘n notices he has a hundred rats following him. Now he starts to run as fast as he can ‘n soon he has all the rats in the city following him ‘n he panics. So he gets to a bridge ‘n throws the brass rat over ‘n all the rats in the city jump in after it and drown.
 
The ole boy goes back to the antique dealer huffin’ ‘n puffin’, whips open the door. The clerk says, "So now you want to hear the tale of the brass rat huh?" ‘n the ole boy replies, "Hell no man! Wonderin’ if you had any brass democrats."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 07, 2013, 06:34:24 am
 ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on June 07, 2013, 07:54:23 am
I love IT !  ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on June 07, 2013, 09:22:29 am
Well, did he?  Get any brass Democrats, I mean.   ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on June 07, 2013, 12:31:31 pm
Obviously, if ‘e did ‘e ain’t tossed it in the drink yet. Still hearin’ the grifters on the news……..
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mogorilla on June 07, 2013, 01:15:57 pm
Funny,
1. I know how to fold a fitted sheet, it looks like all the rest.  This is my super power, my wife is in awe, and it is a great plus when I do something stupid, I go fold a sheet and I am forgiven.

2.  I had trouble in grade school, Cursive writting was totally not what I thought it was.   I met the "board of education" for that one!

Here is my stolen one, from Buddy Hackett.

A Giraffe walks into a bar, says "Hi-balls are on me."  :o
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 07, 2013, 03:08:10 pm
I loved the humor of Buddy Hackett
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on June 07, 2013, 09:00:52 pm
Here's my stolen joke:

Two old friends sitting in a bar.  One smiles, points at a couple of old drunks and says "Boy, if we're not carfeul, that will be us in a few years."

His friend says:  "Look again.  That's a mirror."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on June 09, 2013, 12:05:30 am
Two drunks run into a bar.  One looks at the other and says, "ouch."

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on June 09, 2013, 07:24:12 am
Annie Candish goes to Father O'Day after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears. 

"What's bothering you, Annie my dear?"

"Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Annie, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last words?"

"That he did, Father. That he did."

"What did he say, Annie?"

"He said, 'Please Annie, put that damn shotgun down!'"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on June 09, 2013, 07:41:02 am
A guy is sitting in chair in front of the TV,  his wife walks in and hits him over the head with frying pan.

He staggers to his feet, says "what the hell was that for ? "

She said "I found the note in your dirty pants pocket with Jeanette written all over it..... >:( "

he says " dang woman, that's the name of the Horse I bet on last weekend !"

The wife is all apologetic , and fixes his favorite dinner to make up.

The next night , she brains him with an even bigger frying pan...

when he comes to,  he sputters out " what the Hell, woman ? "

She say's......... "Your horse just called ! "
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 23, 2013, 12:31:41 pm
Obama and Eric Holder are on a boat at sea. The boat begins to sink, who is saved?












The United States
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on June 23, 2013, 01:18:26 pm
Hearin’ Anthony Weiner’s gonna wanna run for president. Wants Eric Holder fer ‘is VP.

Bumper stickers’ll read ’Vote The Weiner Holder Ticket in ’16’
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on June 23, 2013, 04:33:40 pm
"If your brain was gunpowder and it blew up, your hair wouldn't even ruffle, you SOB."
      Calamity Jane. 8)

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on June 24, 2013, 12:38:12 pm
"If your brain was gunpowder and it blew up, your hair wouldn't even ruffle, you SOB."
      Calamity Jane. 8)

--TK


Excellent!
 I  always heard it:  If yer brains was gunpowder, you wouldn't be able to blow yer nose!

I like YOUR posted comment of Calamity Jane's version better, TK!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on June 24, 2013, 04:28:33 pm
I think there are many variations to that one. 8) 
"What did the rock say to the boulder."   "Nothing, inanimate objects can't talk."

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on June 25, 2013, 09:52:39 am
 ;)   ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 02, 2013, 12:47:37 am
Do you know how to tell if you've had too much coffee?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

You can thread the needle on a sewing machine while it is running. :o
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 02, 2013, 10:08:53 am
Shoot, Newt, I can't thread one when it's not running.  ::)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 04, 2013, 08:33:11 am
In Texas there is a town called Muenster, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on August 04, 2013, 10:38:21 am
In Texas there is a town called Muenster, where there is a large German-speaking population.
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."


Ha!  That's an old one the Scots Tell about an Englishman who "Ha'nt the Gaelic"

Mean Bob Mean
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 04, 2013, 11:51:11 am
A blond is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She is frantic and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control, and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio...
"Repeat after me:  Our Father who art in Heaven..."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 04, 2013, 03:04:22 pm
I love political humor
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Stu Kettle on August 04, 2013, 05:04:49 pm
I love political humor

Me too. Did someone lower the flag?  I just found out that it Obama's birthday. 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 04, 2013, 06:33:49 pm
Political humor?

Them's true stories.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 05, 2013, 10:37:47 am
An old country preacher... ...had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

  1. A Bible... 
  2. A silver dollar...
  3. A bottle of whiskey... 
  4. And a Playboy magazine... 
 
  "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a Blessing that would be!
    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
    And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
 
  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table...
  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
 
  "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.  "He's gonna run for Congress!"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 05, 2013, 07:22:46 pm
Heck. Thought the punch line was gonna be Jim Bakker………….
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on August 05, 2013, 07:43:52 pm
Heck. Thought the punch line was gonna be Jim Bakker………….

Ok, that was funny.

Cheers!

Mean Bob Mean
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 06, 2013, 05:48:39 am
I though he died ??? :-\
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Fingers McGee on August 06, 2013, 01:31:49 pm
I though he died ??? :-\

Hell no.  He's just reinvented himself

http://jimbakkershow.com/watch-us-live/local-tv-station-broadcast-listings/
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 06, 2013, 01:48:23 pm
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 06, 2013, 06:43:44 pm
Ut oh..............

I didn't send a card.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on August 07, 2013, 10:51:56 am
OH ! it was Tammy Faye that died ...

Blue Eye Shadow toxicity was the cause of death.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on August 07, 2013, 06:34:27 pm
Phillis Diller said she saw Tammy Faye once without her make up on. 

Said it was just awful.

Said Tammy Faye's face was only about as big as a silver dollar.

 ::)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 11, 2013, 06:52:19 am
There was a bit of confusion at the True Value Hardware this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me."
"Lord the Liberals have pushed another BS Law though"  :o 
Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok , not that they will print it  ::)
 I needed the supplies so I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 11, 2013, 03:02:09 pm
sorry I should have warned ya'll about that one.. You don't know how embarrassed I was
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 12, 2013, 06:23:21 am
Y’all don’t need ta sweat it.

L’il ole gal behind the counter asked me who them masked men were. Tolt ‘er weren’t nobody I knew. She seemed a bit disappointed.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 17, 2013, 01:08:27 pm
Sex after surgery ... 
 A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that
 a woman, one Anne Maynard,  has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after
 her husband had surgery there,  he lost all interest in sex.
 A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was  admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did
 was correct his eyesight."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on August 23, 2013, 08:23:03 pm
So, I got a great deal on a case of ammo during the recent ammo buying frenzy?  I was walking out of the gun store and was stopped by a fairly attractive woman who said

"Hey, wanna trade some ammo for sex?"

I said:  "Maybe, what kind of ammo you got for me?"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on August 24, 2013, 11:20:35 pm
English teacher joke.

"Knock knock"

"Who's there"

"To"

"To who?"

"That would be 'to whom.'"

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 25, 2013, 04:26:47 am
I stole this from Hawg at another site


What are Grits ??

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.


These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits Are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in the South, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).


Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.


The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy ..
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.


How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause rotten teeth and impotence.


Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10: 1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverages to serve with Grits is black coffee and Bloody Mary's. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk). Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's cream of wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.

AMEN





BTW putting ketchup on anything is wrong
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on August 29, 2013, 12:54:48 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 29, 2013, 07:04:38 pm
Boy’s in the gym watchin’ this chicky-babe werk out on one the machines. He asks the manager which piece of equipment he should werk out on ta impress ‘er.

Manager points ta the corner ‘n sez, ‘the ATM o’er there.’
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 30, 2013, 04:00:49 pm
Boy’s in the gym watchin’ this chicky-babe werk out on one the machines. He asks the manager which piece of equipment he should werk out on ta impress ‘er.

Manager points ta the corner ‘n sez, ‘the ATM o’er there.’

uh-huh




from Montana today

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Madam,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.



BTW 15 and 16 are now on my Bucket list

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 30, 2013, 07:03:26 pm
Whatcha wanna do is walk inta a 7-11. Point ta the condom display ‘n ask the chicky-babe behind the register which brand she prefers.

Know a boy what used ta be a K-9 cop what did that. Clerk took offense. Though they were there ta help the customers.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on September 09, 2013, 12:17:51 am
Here's one about difference of perspective.

  Two guys are standing at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere.  They're talking about stuff, when behind them in the woods there is a crunching sound.  They stop talking and listen and soon they find it sounds like footsteps.....very large footsteps.   After a minute, a Sasquatch pops out of the tree line, walks over to a payphone on a power pole and makes a call (coincidentally, he was calling the Loch Ness monster to schedule a lunch date.).   The one guy looks at this and say.  "Holy Crap! a Sasquatch!"   The other guy looks and says, "Holy Crap! I thought payphones were extinct!"     

du-dum, crash.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on September 09, 2013, 02:41:06 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on September 09, 2013, 08:24:58 pm
Weaverville has seven. ;D  Don't spit coffee on your computer.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on September 10, 2013, 08:40:25 am
They’re bolted ta outsides of 7-11’a these parts. Forty sumthin’ boyfriend/girlfriend use ‘em ta keep numbers off their cell phone records ‘n away from husbands/wives. Dope deals, bookies same thing.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on September 11, 2013, 08:30:53 pm
Weaverville has seven. ;D  Don't spit coffee on your computer.

--TK

Sasquatches?

Mean Bob
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on September 11, 2013, 10:06:30 pm
That too, Bob. 

Actually, I've been to the site of the Patterson-Gimlin Sasquatch film from the 60's.  It was about an hour and a half drive, and another hour walk.  Of course, half the nonresident population smell like a Sasquatch, and probably have more hair...... :-X

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 04, 2013, 08:35:28 am
help finding a Lost Pup

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on October 07, 2013, 11:30:31 pm
I'd tell a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid there would be no reaction.....

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on October 08, 2013, 12:24:40 am
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his midnight ride?








Whoa!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on October 08, 2013, 07:00:08 pm
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?


Because its a little meteor.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on October 09, 2013, 10:46:21 am
 ;D ;D ;D

That little quote on your name-thing, the one by Mark Twain,    I always heard it "History never repeats itself. However, the present is very good at emulating it."   

Interesting how things change from person to person.....


Today I asked the guy next to me in chemistry if he had any Sodium Bromide.  He told me "NaBro."   ;)

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on October 10, 2013, 08:48:47 am
;D ;D ;D

That little quote on your name-thing, the one by Mark Twain,    I always heard it "History never repeats itself. However, the present is very good at emulating it."   

Interesting how things change from person to person.....


Today I asked the guy next to me in chemistry if he had any Sodium Bromide.  He told me "NaBro."   ;)

--TK


 ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on October 10, 2013, 08:49:35 am
Chem majors are howling at that one, T.Kid!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on October 10, 2013, 11:29:43 pm
I figgured they would.  I'm taking Chemistry for school right now, so....I've got a few jokes on it. :P 

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were dancin' at the picnic.  It was like, OMG..... ::) ::)  Sorry, girl next to me told that one......

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Steel Horse Bailey on October 11, 2013, 11:45:37 am
 ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on October 18, 2013, 08:11:25 am
Wimmen are gettin’ more ‘n more difficult ta figger.

Finished up some bidness it the broker’s office t’other day. Was headin’ to the lobby when the elevator stopped. An attractive woman stepped on ‘n faced me.

She sez, “Press one, please.”

I did what she asked ‘n she slapped the snot outta me.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 18, 2013, 10:31:26 am
Wimmen are gettin’ more ‘n more difficult ta figger.

Finished up some bidness it the broker’s office t’other day. Was headin’ to the lobby when the elevator stopped. An attractive woman stepped on ‘n faced me.

She sez, “Press one, please.”

I did what she asked ‘n she slapped the snot outta me.



glad she didn't say 2 ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 18, 2013, 10:47:32 am
I just stole this from East Texas, it was too good to leave behind



No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.
Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work
 on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged
 for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

 The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent
 to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
 detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

 So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:
 <ATT00001>
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch
 for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition
 of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
 several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In
 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889,
 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he
 was standing collapsed."

 


Now THAT's how its done, Folks!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on October 18, 2013, 05:06:33 pm
long, low whistle. :)

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on October 25, 2013, 07:48:02 pm
OK

Why must you always take two Baptist preachers with you when you go fishing?








If you take only one, he drinks all your whiskey. 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on October 26, 2013, 04:02:04 am
SPAM !

The sound a sky diving pig makes when his parachute does not open !
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 26, 2013, 04:27:25 am
 :o
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on October 26, 2013, 01:44:21 pm
What do you get when you cross Lassie and a cantaloupe?


A melon-collie baby! ::)

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on October 29, 2013, 12:01:51 am
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on November 15, 2013, 07:31:52 am
What are the differences between the First Dog Bo and that jackass of a president B.O.?











Bo is documented


Remember I just steal 'm from others and post them here
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on November 16, 2013, 06:54:54 pm
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, "B.O. for pres. 2012!"  I knew something smelled funny about that feller......

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on November 18, 2013, 07:20:17 pm
 A recent survey said 1 in every 3 adults will have an affair.

I have been trying to figure out all day if it is my wife or girlfriend that is having the affair.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on November 20, 2013, 06:56:35 am
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so P...eter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.



Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on November 20, 2013, 10:37:20 am
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they are walking along they come across a sign that says: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I'm entering" says Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place!" says Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign that says: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place!" answers Superman.  "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign that says: "Contest!  Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio smiles and says "This is mine!"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they ask.

"Who in the hell is (your favorite little-known politician)?" asks Pinocchio.

NOTE: In the army we used to say "No names;- No pack-drill"  You Canucks will know who I infer.

 

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on November 23, 2013, 03:52:17 pm
Ole fella's sittin' in 'is recliner, watchin' roller derby 'n eatin' chili with 'is fingers when 'is grand boy runs up.

"Grand Dad, Grand Dad! Make a sound like a froggy toad! Quick!"

"Whatcha wan me ta do that for, boy?"

"Mommie said when you croak we can all go ta Disney World!"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on November 24, 2013, 07:26:25 pm
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on November 25, 2013, 10:08:18 am
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Some say that the sentence "I do." is the longest!

Yep!  In my case it was a life sentence, but I'm not complaining.   ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on November 25, 2013, 11:40:17 am
And the racking of a Winchester keeps you both happy for the foreseeable future, right?  :)  Sorry, had to pull a Silace Robertson there.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on December 16, 2013, 12:03:41 pm
ole this one from Black jack Schoefield

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

Needless to say, he got an A+.
 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on December 16, 2013, 01:09:11 pm
Ain't no way I'd comment on that.......................................




Whatcha call a contrary kid what don't believe in Santa?












A rebel without a Claus.



Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sod Buster on December 16, 2013, 05:10:40 pm
Arcey,

Don't ya know there is no "Sanity Claus".   ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on December 17, 2013, 07:12:42 am
Ahhhhh…. Sanity. A mental condition rapidly becoming obsolete among the various levels of government, as well as a considerable portion of the electorate.



Good ta see ya, dude.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on December 17, 2013, 10:24:53 am
I'ma gettin' hungry.

Stress Diet

Breakfast:
Grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. Skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. Lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar of hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Evening Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules of the Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has not calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more that they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and don't count as part of one’s personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cause calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.
10. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his plate (and we know how calories like to cling).

Remember:  Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.


--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on December 29, 2013, 09:34:47 am
News:


Native Americans are demanding the Washington Redskins dropped the name "Washington" it is too much of an embarresment to them.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on December 30, 2013, 10:28:30 pm
Stole this from my aunt on facebook.

A young guy gets a phone call on December 15.  He picks up his phone, and it is his father.

"What's going on dad?" he asks.  His father never called unless something was wrong.

"Your mother and I are getting a divorce."  the elderly man says.  The kid asks him why.  Dad replies,

"We been together 50 years, and just can't stand to look at each other anymore."

The kid says okay, and calls his sister in Tokyo to tell her the news.  After the screaming fit is over, she tells him,

"Get on a plane and be over there.  I'm coming on Tuesday."  The kid agrees, and hangs up.

Sister calls home and asks about it, receiving the same answer as her brother.   She tells her dad that she'll be home on Tuesday, and not to do anything until then, then hangs up.

Old man hangs up and turns to his wife with a smile.

"Dear, both of the kids will be home for Christmas, and they're paying their own fare."

ba-dum crash.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on January 06, 2014, 11:53:42 am
An ole boy was havin’ a conversation with The Almighty.

‘Why’d ya make wimmen beautiful?’

‘So you’d love ‘em. Make ya wanna cuddle up to ‘em ‘n make babies.’

‘Ok. But why’d ya make ‘em so dumb?’

‘So they’d love you.’
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on January 06, 2014, 01:00:37 pm
ain't it the truth
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on January 06, 2014, 03:16:31 pm
That ain't funny!

Oh, wait.... yes it is.   :D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on February 09, 2014, 12:26:58 am
Fine it's gone
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on February 20, 2014, 10:22:53 am
I stole this from Mick four fingers of death;


  Sunday CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a






Baptist and a Methodist!!!'

 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on February 20, 2014, 11:46:13 am
A 1911 and a Glock walk into a bar.

1911 says, "Hey, ugly foreigner, how about a drinking contest?"

Glock says, " Are you joking?  You couldn't make it past 8 rounds!"


--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on March 25, 2014, 03:38:16 pm
A Blonde is Overweight A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on April 10, 2014, 04:49:08 pm
An angel appears before three men at the fishin' hole.

'What ails you?'

'My back hurts all the time.'

She put her hand on his back and the pain vanished.

'What ails you?' She asked another.

'Angel, I can't see very well without glasses now, and my eyesight is gettin' worse.'

She slips his glasses off his nose and throws them in the water. His eyesight is now 20/20.

She turns to the third man.

"Don't touch me, woman! I'm on disability!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Texas Lawdog on April 10, 2014, 05:36:55 pm
Hear Hear!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on May 01, 2014, 11:04:33 pm
What do you call a fish with no eye?            FSH!

The secret of success is a secret to many people!

Why do hummingbirds hum ?      Because they can't remember the words.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?     They're making headlines.
 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: RobMancebo on May 02, 2014, 09:16:46 am
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,  stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?  The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on June 05, 2014, 04:18:46 pm
I don't always talk to Obama supporters..

But when I do, I order fries and a Coke... ::)

Heard that on another forum. ;)

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 05, 2014, 09:58:50 pm
That is funny
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on June 13, 2014, 01:33:13 am
The clintons (lower case intended) were so broke when they left the whitehouse.


They had to sleep in the same bed.


Their gardner had to get a drunk from the hose.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on June 15, 2014, 08:53:57 am
Whaddaya  call a terrorist with ‘is arm stuck up a camel’s exit point?












A personal transportation mechanic…………………..
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on July 15, 2014, 12:01:13 pm
Blonde

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 15, 2014, 01:54:15 pm
(http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i200/Delmonico_1885/Useful/1456034_570886736328925_194363555_n_zps30f709cc.jpg) (http://s72.photobucket.com/user/Delmonico_1885/media/Useful/1456034_570886736328925_194363555_n_zps30f709cc.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 15, 2014, 02:52:18 pm
Blonde



I don't get it.   ::)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Stu Kettle on July 15, 2014, 04:09:39 pm
I don't get it.   ::)
[/quote

Guess I didn't realize you were a blonde ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on July 15, 2014, 05:31:35 pm
I don't get it.   ::)

Maybe it's a bald joke too
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 15, 2014, 05:40:31 pm
I don't get it.   ::)
[/quote

Guess I didn't realize you were a blonde ;)

Prematurely platinum blonde.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 15, 2014, 08:24:40 pm
I don't get it.   ::)
[/quote

Guess I didn't realize you were a blonde ;)

He's just old.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Stu Kettle on July 15, 2014, 09:47:15 pm
Prematurely platinum blonde.

He's just old.

I resemble those remarks.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 16, 2014, 01:13:54 am
I got to be this old by respecting my elders.

Some of you whipper-snappers are reducing your odds of doing the same.

Think about it.   ::)    ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 16, 2014, 10:45:51 am
I got to be this old by respecting my elders.

Some of you whipper-snappers are reducing your odds of doing the same.

Think about it.   ::)    ;D

I think most of us have gotten old anyway. 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 16, 2014, 12:01:20 pm
Beginner's luck.   ::)  :D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 16, 2014, 12:52:43 pm
Beginner's luck.   ::)  :D

As my Dr says, if you want a second opinion I can use two fingers. :o
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on July 19, 2014, 06:32:08 am
Women in Leather Dresses

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats faster,
his throat! gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?








It's because she smells like a N e w  T r u c k
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 19, 2014, 09:51:44 am
Or a fine European sports car.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on July 22, 2014, 08:32:55 pm
Just spit coffee thru my nose
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Delmonico on July 22, 2014, 08:55:24 pm
Just spit coffee thru my nose

Better than sourmash, did that once, wasn't no fun.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on July 30, 2014, 03:58:44 pm
Wanted to update you on my diet plan.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in

excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next

four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in

better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I

discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to

go for broke and calls the company to order the 5-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our

most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find

a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on July 30, 2014, 08:49:59 pm
I got to be this old by respecting my elders.

Some of you whipper-snappers are reducing your odds of doing the same.

Think about it.   ::)    ;D

I respect anyone who uses the term Whipper-snapper!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on July 30, 2014, 09:45:36 pm
And well you should.

Probably live long enough to use the term yourself someday.   ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on July 31, 2014, 10:16:25 pm
And well you should.

Porbably live long enough to use the term yourself someday.   ;D


already out lived my doctor - hey old timer ya got a light. :)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Forty Rod on August 02, 2014, 10:16:25 pm
A light what?
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on August 03, 2014, 10:49:07 am
A light what?

"Training Beer"!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on August 05, 2014, 09:44:02 pm
I stole this from my Pard, PALADIN UK;

Confucius did NOT say;

Man who  wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of  fly.

Lady who  goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel  who runs up woman's leg will not find  nuts.

Man who  leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who  runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets  exhausted.

Man who  eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Man who  fight with wife all day get no piece at  night.

It takes  many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill  it.

Man who  drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who  stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who  live in glass house should change clothes in  basement.

Man who  fish in other man's well often catch  crabs.
 

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY .....

 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood  !

 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on August 16, 2014, 12:10:49 am
Couple a'  jokes from another forum.

"Beer contains female hormones.  After consuming, one can neither drive, or shut up!"


Kind of a math joke, here.

"If one pours root beer into a square cup, does it become beer?" ;)


--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 20, 2014, 04:14:36 pm
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.



The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on August 24, 2014, 01:45:57 pm
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego ,

Nice way to remake a golden oldie, the clean up and additions made me laugh. 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 29, 2014, 07:16:32 am
For people who use terms like "Whipper snapper" and those other old guys.


The towels in the hotel were so fluffy, i could hardly close my suitcase.


Henny Youngman




*Note only old guys would understand suitcase.

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 29, 2014, 07:44:55 am
A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.” I said, “One craps on my car, there’ll be 9.”

Buddy Hackett
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on August 29, 2014, 09:11:14 am
Obama finally spoke out about the be-heading ....

He say " he be-heading out to vacation som mo "
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on August 29, 2014, 11:55:11 am
The presidential golf cart. POTUS 1:

(http://www.youdrivewhat.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/RimsSC.jpg)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on August 30, 2014, 07:16:13 am
FOX news asked the POTUS what group made the worst drivers... He replied 3 wood.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on September 09, 2014, 07:41:36 am
Haircuts


Somehow George Bush and obama ended up in the same barbershop. Both sitting in separate chairs with separate barbers. Neither ever speaking to each other. The tension was thick and the neither barber spoke in fears of a political debate.
The barber finally finish the shave on obama and turned to get the aftershave. obama  spoke saying, no thank you moochelle will think i have been in a whorehouse.
The barber tending George Bush finishes and ask him if he would like some aftershave? George replied, yes thank you. Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on September 13, 2014, 08:28:37 am
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she could not have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was
probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the hell I am now...
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on September 14, 2014, 07:30:28 pm
Poor Johnny
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on September 20, 2014, 03:56:04 pm
> Subject: Fwd: Old Cowboys>
>
> Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
> and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
> rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...>
>
> Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
> cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
> gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
> and castrated that sucker with my teeth.">
>
> Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
> walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
> under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
> bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
>
>
>
> Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
> campfire coals with his pecker...       
>
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on September 27, 2014, 01:51:55 pm
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

 

 

 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on November 11, 2014, 05:06:25 pm
An old guy goes to this doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist
is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'”.

The old guy obeys and says,
'99'.
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,


'99’".


Again, the old guy says,


'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good.


Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.


I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.


Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.”
The old guy begins,
"One...
two…
three…"

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Arcey on November 27, 2014, 06:33:48 am
O'Bama goes to a bank to cash a check. Teller wants ID. He ain't got it.

Teller sez t'other day a famous golfer come in 'n put a glass on the floor, walked ta the other end the lobby 'n made a putt inta the glass. Winnin' stock car driver come in 'n did burn outs in the parkin' lot. Stuff ta prove who they were.

O'Bama said he didn't have a clue as ta what ta do.

Teller sez, “OK, Mr. President. Do ya want this in large er small bills?”
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on November 27, 2014, 02:58:09 pm
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on December 12, 2014, 09:10:38 am
        Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:                 

         

        Business Man: What is your name?                     

         

        Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!                     

         

        Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?                     

         

        Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.                     

         

        Business Man: How close?                     

         

        Hostess: Same price!
           

.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on March 04, 2015, 09:50:41 am
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation  has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.

The  preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember,  you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.
 
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from  the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she  spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible mis-understanding. I  never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The  preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Texas Lawdog on March 05, 2015, 08:01:32 am
Give Me A Hell Yes!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on March 17, 2015, 05:55:32 pm
Hands a waving
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Lucky Irish Tom on March 19, 2015, 09:36:19 pm
And the voices of the choir rose in glorious chorus!
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on May 17, 2015, 01:11:57 am
Did you know that you can tell what branch of the military a man served in, just by leading him to a barbed-wire fence?

The Marine crawls under it without getting scratched.

The Soldier crawls between two strands, getting a little pricked in the process.

The Sailor crawls over the whole thing, cussing up a storm from all the holes in his pants.

The Airman walks five feet to the right and walks through the open gate.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Sir Charles deMouton-Black on May 17, 2015, 10:55:52 am
What is the past tense of fellatio?


BLUE JOB! :D


Inter-service slanging can go too many directions.  Like; - what is brown and comes out of the rear of a Buffalo?

signed; A 30 mile sniper, or as some say a "drop-short."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on June 15, 2015, 12:13:37 pm
Good one Major!

Here's one:  A pastor and his deacon were going over the needs of the congregation when the pastor said:

"Jim, I am terribly troubled by the casual manner in which sex is treated these days. Almost every person who comes to me to talk notes that they were sleeping with their spouse before they married.  I mean, I never slept with my wife before I was married, did you?"

Deacon Jim said:  "I can't say Pastor, what was your wife's maiden name?"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on June 15, 2015, 01:05:49 pm
I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop

Muslim Books Store , so what the heck, I stroll in and wander around, the clerk stops me and ask " could he help me ? "
him figuring I don't look like his normal Clientele .  :-\

So I asked  " for a copy of the American Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims "

He say's " F*ck off,  get out,  and stay out "  >:(

I said " Yes, that's the one do you have it in paperback ?"
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Mean Bob Mean on June 19, 2015, 02:20:02 pm
I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop


Got a big laugh at work, thanks.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on June 19, 2015, 04:22:11 pm
I try  :)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: The Trinity Kid on February 18, 2017, 05:25:46 pm
How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

--TK
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on March 29, 2017, 03:40:34 pm
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.   
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.  She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
 
 The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers and I voted twice for Obama."
She starts work in the morning.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on March 31, 2017, 07:26:28 am

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.  "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
 
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republicans brain."
 
The moment turned awkward.  Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.  A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Re-publican's brain?"
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Ben Beam on March 31, 2017, 09:13:16 am
Trump.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on November 07, 2017, 05:34:36 am
Daddy Longlegs

 A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden.  He smiled as he reflected
on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
 
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat.  
"Well", she said, "that may be okay in California , but we're  having none of that shit in Texas."
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on December 04, 2017, 07:54:42 pm
The only thing funnier than Stevie Wonders twitter account is Helen Kellors.. who couldn't decide if she wanted to paint her room corduroy or velcro


 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on December 08, 2017, 08:41:54 pm
Since we had snow today


https://youtu.be/Hxhf8x1CZbw
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on June 24, 2018, 02:21:52 pm

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds and raking the leaves in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

 
She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
 
She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
 
Her parents beamed with pride!
 
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and put some away for a new house."
 
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
 
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
 
If you know any Republicans that would get a chuckle out of this, share it with them.
 
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on July 28, 2018, 06:45:48 am
Chuckle
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Baltimore Ed on July 28, 2018, 07:28:35 am
Chuckle too, but I’m an independant.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Major 2 on September 15, 2018, 07:38:52 am
It been a while....so here another  :)

             A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
              One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, :I’m too young to die,: she cried. Then she yelled, “If I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
              For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stood up in the
rear of the plane.
              He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one
button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across
his chest.
              She gasped...Then, he spoke...
              “Iron this -- and then get me a beer.”
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Baltimore Ed on September 15, 2018, 09:37:23 am
Not really a joke but a truism told to me by a great cowboy and fun competitor  ‘Ender’ aka Barry Gillam who was a professor at a college in VA [cant remember which] who has since passed. His ashes are on the range where my club, ECSASS shoots at the Dare Co Shooting Complex in NC. An aside, he got into horseback riding and named his horse Alpo. A very sick man but I digress.
  He was always getting in trouble at work especially for his language in class and was back in the deans office again. The dean explained to him that he couldn’t swear in class using the old analogy about ‘you can’t yell fire in a theater’ Ender calmly replied no, but you can yell ‘shit’.
 His twin brother was at his memorial service and had a good time freaking out the mourners.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 18, 2018, 06:53:29 am
Text from my wife

Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Scattered Thumbs on October 22, 2018, 03:30:14 pm
Jeez Roo! You almost made me choke laughing. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: litl rooster on October 22, 2018, 05:08:08 pm
Jeez Roo! You almost made me choke laughing. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


‘Ll bei playing the late show all week. ;)
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Baltimore Ed on October 02, 2019, 05:07:03 pm
Saw this on another forum and thought of you guys, and coyotes are cas members, prop wise. Made me laugh.
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: Silver Creek Slim on October 02, 2019, 07:12:18 pm
That's funny.

Slim
Title: Re: Stolen Joke
Post by: jacksimonton on October 05, 2019, 05:48:05 am

After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.                                       
 

“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.

“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a--hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Nice one, love it guys.