Some Military Humor

[Frenchie]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.  After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a moment the man in the aisle seat states through a tight-lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired, never married, two sons, both admirals."

************

A lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another vehicle stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

************

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when a knock came at the door.  Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, said "Come in," then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man who stood waiting before his desk, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the man replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

************

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

************

Q: How do you know there's a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

************

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."  "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

************

[Cannon Fodder]

good stuff,Frenchie!

Thanks,CF

[Grapeshot]

What's the difference between a second lieutenant and a PFC?

The PFC has been promoted once.
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How do you get a Marine to comit suicide?

Glue sand to a wall and yell "HIT THE BEECH!"

[Advertising]

[bosunpete]

What does MARINES stand for???

My A** Really Is Navy Equipment Sir!!!

********************************

Bosun Pete

Who was once a Gator Sailor

[Plato Midnight]

Here's another:

What's the difference between a fighter pilot and his jet?

The jet stops whining after the engine is shut down.

[Guns Garrett]

Fighter pilots make movies.

Bomber pilots MAKE HISTORY!

(Told to me long before "Flight of the Intruder")

Want to drive an artilleryman nuts?

- have him spell "BEACH"

(If you tell a Marine to "hit the beech", he may tap the stock of his trusty M-14, or use it to butt-stoke a certain type of tree)

"If We hear of strange wonderous things, We shall telll it to the Marines,... and if they say it is so, We shall believe it" - HRH Charles II, King of England, 1660-1685
Guns Garrett
USMC 75-96  A-6/EA-6 Tweet

[Frenchie]

United States Armed Forces Voice Mail:

"Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave your name and title if appropriate, the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran ... well you get the picture, and finish our compulsory "Consideration of the Feelings of Others" orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now.

(beep)

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.

If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, harass your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, piss on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

If you're in real trouble, press 6 for the United States Marine Corps Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Center may bill your account at any time and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

If you'd like to join the U.S. Marines, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and you're prepared to work long hours and risk your life in all kinds of weather and terrain while watching Congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline."

[Frenchie]

A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his wife, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."

Just as anxious, his wife sent him this reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards."

[Frenchie]

For those who miss being at sea:

Replace your closet door with a curtain and sleep on the shelf. Three and a half hours after you go to sleep, have your mate whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Your watch!"

Put a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When taking showers, shut off the water while soaping.

Place all non-edible garbage in small plastic bags and store in other half of tub (throw edible garbage out the window).

Buy a new dumpster, paint it haze gray and live in it for three months.

Run all the pipes and electrical wires in your house outside the interior walls.

Walk around your car for four hours, checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes.

Put a speaker's stand in your driveway and schedule your family to stand four-hour quarterdeck watches.

For engineering types (aka 'snipes'): Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it to high. Bring your lawn mower inside and leave it idling while trying to listen to your favorite CD or having an in-depth conversation.

If the wind outside is howling, race around the house to make sure all windows and doors are secure (at night, everyone takes a turn on 'watch').

Wake up at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Cold canned ravioli or soup is optional.

Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in the pantry, fridge, or freezer.

Once a month, pick a major appliance, take it completely apart, and put it back together.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, and allow it to sit for 5 to 6 hours before drinking.

Put a fluorescent light under the coffee table and lay there to read a book.

Every so often, throw the cat in the tub and shout, "Man overboard!"

Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans and dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at the mate for not having the place "stowed for sea".

[Frenchie]

Misunderstanding terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.