A story...

[Marshal Halloway]

Howdy Friends,
 
 My wife Marshal'ette is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Marshal'ette. The occasion was our 1st pre- anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!!!

Long story short...... I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so darn disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing,again!!!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to!

So I did this!  Awesome!!!

Sparks..., a blue arch of electricity,... and a loud pop!!! WOW!!!  Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Marshal'ette what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. (Oops)  Okay,back to the story...

So I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, our cat Sheeba looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Sheeba) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Sheeba for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Teresa to protect herself against a mugger,~~ I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

Well!!!!!  Friggin' way--!!!!! Trust me!!!, But I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Sheeba looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second  burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always 20-20.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Sheeba was standing over me making meowing sounds that I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again dad, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, IF you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the top of the entertainment center. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.  By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.

Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
 
Thanks for letting me share my trauma...    

Marshal H.

[sass32357]

OUCH!!!

[Delmonico]

Did ya ever touch yer tongue to the prongs of a 9 volt battery, just a thought as to what ya could have done.

Used ta be a welder, smoked beeg seegars, on hot night sitting on a bridge girder welding my seegar went out, well a smart welder never carries a butane lighter and to lazy ta get of a grab a lucufer,(sweat ruins them ya keep them in the locker) I finshed welding a bead with some 3/16 rod,  attaching a 2 inch plate to a 3/4 plate.  (You welders are all ready laughing) 

Well I reached up with the red hot rod and lit my wet soggy seegar, just like I had done many times before, forgetting my sweaty gluteus maximus was grounding me to the very girder I was welding on.  275 amps at about 30 volts going through yer tongue and out ye arse will wake a fellow up. 

[Advertising]

[Silver Creek Slim]

I am sorry guys, but I am sitting here laughing with tears running down my face.

I test 9 volt batteries by touching them to my tongue. Doesn't everyone?

Slim

[Delmonico]

9 volt battries on the tongue yes, big ole Lincoln AC splatter box welders, not a good ideeea.  Now what if'n the Marshal woulda' tried his contraption on the tongue?

Slim when testing 9 volt batteries when someone is watching, always say it tastes like a good one or it tastes like a bad one. 

[Silver Creek Slim]

I will next time.  My kids won't try it. There are kind of chicken.

Slim

[Russ T Chambers]

I will next time.  My kids won't try it. There are kind of chicken.

Slim

Did you say it tastes like chicken?

[Silver Creek Slim]

Not quite but close. 

Slim

[Delmonico]

It tastes better'n chicken that ya' bought by talk'n ta a speaker from the winnder of yer car, er buckboard.

[Silver Creek Slim]

Amen!

Slim

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

 

I tell ya Marshal that is the danggundest story I have heard in years!  I started chuckling half way through and couldn't stop!  I could just picture every move and was laughing out loud by the end!

Thanks for such a good laugh at the end of the day!

BB

PS;  Delmonico I'm glad you enjoy cookin and don't weld anymore!  The smell of fried arse is not a pretty picture!
But a funny story too!

 

[Delmonico]

BB.  As hot as it was and as sweaty as I was, BRAISE would describe the cooking process involved here.

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

  OK, I will defer to your expertise! You are a far better Chef than I (I have trouble boiling water) and a better story teller to boot!

BB

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Did ya ever touch yer tongue to the prongs of a 9 volt battery, just a thought as to what ya could have done.

Used ta be a welder, smoked beeg seegars, on hot night sitting on a bridge girder welding my seegar went out, well a smart welder never carries a butane lighter and to lazy ta get of a grab a lucufer,(sweat ruins them ya keep them in the locker) I finshed welding a bead with some 3/16 rod,  attaching a 2 inch plate to a 3/4 plate.  (You welders are all ready laughing) 

Well I reached up with the red hot rod and lit my wet soggy seegar, just like I had done many times before, forgetting my sweaty gluteus maximus was grounding me to the very girder I was welding on.  275 amps at about 30 volts going through yer tongue and out ye arse will wake a fellow up. 


Damn............

[Delmonico]

I was selling silk banndanas a few days before Christmas in a dry store over a glass counter and it made me think of this thead, shocking what will happen.  Luckly the customer had a sense of humor.

[DArchangel]

marshal, i bought my daughter pepper spray.but just beleeved the hype.the description sounded like del's "not for kids, women, or whimps"hot salsa.

[Trinity]

Trinity looks wide eyed at the Marshall... and says "Mah Turn!!"

[Ozark Tracker]

reminds me of an incident about `10 years ago, One evening I was out looking for a lady who had jumped bond on me and I had taken a stunner with me, I went into a quick trip and just stuck the thing in my hip pocket of my wranglers,  I went in and got a pop and while closing the door I backed into another machine, well I had left the saftey off the switch and that thing hit me in the hip and my leg went into a spasm and I guess I danced around there for about 5 seconds, trying to keep from falling down,
When I got up to the checkout the 2 clerks really gave me some strange looks, so I guess they saw the whole thing but did not know what had happened. after paying for the pop I told them what the circumstances were and we all had a good laugh, they said they thought I might be having a seizure.

[litl rooster]

glad nun of ya died I had to start laughing immediatly

[LazyK Pejay]

Marshall,

After I stopped laughing I realized there are images here I don't want to think about Have a great New Year!

LazyK Pejay