Nuther Story!

[Delmonico]

Delmonico goes to the chuckwagon mutterin' like only a cook can, somethin' bout a movie called "JUdge Roy Bean."  He gets out a Colt Waker that's been converted ta 45-70 and shoots both middle toes of the Seargent.

There now you'll walk funny like the guy in dat movie, let that be a lesson, never bring yer bread knife ta a gun fight.  Whhile the Sarge is whinin' bout his toes,    Delmonico takes his gun an locks it in the Browning gun safe he keeps in the chuckwagon.

Slim comes back fer a few minutes before he leaves fer the weekend and caterizes the Sarges wounds with his rusty brandin irun, the one Trinity and Delmonico peed on.

[Trinity]

"Delmonico!  Ah dint pee on no brandin arn.  Leastwasys don think so. 

Say, Sarge, don't kill the next coyote ya sees.  Send him over to Bruce's cadaver.

Hey, Delmonico I don' wan' no over cooked steak, make mine warm and red inside!"  Trinity thinks to himself about what he just said: Hmmm. Get that mind out of the outhouse, Trinity.  Mebbe it's time fer another trip to them laddies trailers....

[Delmonico]

The sarge has been whinning bout real cowboy food, ya all gonna get real cowboy food.  And I ani't even gonna have ta work hard ta feed a bunch a unapriceateative cowboys.  I had Slim pick up some 'mergency rations and that's what ya all gonna get ta night fer being such a pain!

Right here on the bag, it done say, "Purina Cowboy Chow." 

Ya all leave me be, I'm gonna fix me somethin' ta eat, somethin' good, somethin' civleeizzed and ya can either eat yer cowboy chow dry, there is a case of canned cow or wanna ya that thinks ya is good can go milk a longhorn and if ya try don't come whinin' ta me ta be sewing up yer wounds.

"Oh and one other thing", and with that he reaches in ta da chuckwagon and gets a set of leg iruns and clamps them on Trinity and iruns him to a tree.  "Don't want ta have ta get Doc again and have ya stand all day in da creek." 

"Oh and if'n ya get any ideas in the night just look at da Sarge's toes!"  And with that Delmonico gets in the chuckwagon and gets out a roll of the wickedest lookin' barb wire ya ever seen and builds a barrier around his tent, chuckwagon and cookfire.

[Advertising]

[Foothills Drifter]

"Drifter, get outta that creek and put some pants on. Two days is long enough soaking." 

....What in the wide-wide world of sports is a goin on here??! In the water fer 2 days....I don't remember nothin..........

Good shootin......
Vern...

[Trinity]

....What in the wide-wide world of sports is a goin on here??! In the water fer 2 days....I don't remember nothin..........

Good shootin......
Vern...

You musta found an untainted bottle of Dickel by the river.  It's a wonder you didn't pass out and drown.  If Ah was complaining about the effects of the cold water, you probably had much more to complain about!!!

Delmonico, if Ah gotta sit here in irons, can Ah at least have a bottle that says XXX on the side??

[Delmonico]

No, ya got ta be clear headed in the morning.  Slim has went home ta his wife and 15 children fur the weekend, for lack of any better ya got ta be the roundup boss in the mornin."

If the Sarge be whinin' bout his feet hurtin' in the mornin' just help him inta the saddle, he don't need no middle toes ta be ropin' cattle.   

I'm gonna make sourdough griddlecakes in the mornin' if that Reb Sarge don't like that we'll find a diet that'll suit him, I got plenty of canned salmon in the wagon, i'll be salmon loaf fer him, maybe some fried eggplant and nasty cubed Jello, I gots the recipe ta make it rubbery like they make in the Horspital when ya be sick.  Woops fergot Jello ain't been invented yet!  Tapioca, thats it I rember thats what they feed sick folks instead of Jello and he needs it, he is the sickest of this warped crew, if we ever get this roundup done I'm going buffalo huntin' bet I can make more money with less problems than I have feedin this crew. 

Now ya all leave me alone, I'm goin' ta my tent, buildin' a fire in my stove and layin' down on my feather tick and goin' ta sleep.  And don't be lookin' fer the wire cutters, I got them in my tent, anybody disturbs my sleep I'm aimin' 6 inches below the belly button, won't need no Doc and his Mercury shots after that.

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge tells everyone to skip the breakfast sausage and coffee in the morning. he proceeds to put his 2 shot off toes into the lard bucket where Delmonico keeps his sausages. He the whizzes in Delmonico's coffee pot, grabs the brandin' iron from slim, heats it in the fire and then sneaks up on that yankee polecat. He waits until Delmonico is using the slit trench and when he squats, Sarge reaches out with the iron and sears a reminder as to why you should never get into a pissin' contest with a half breed Reb that has used up more lives than a dozen cats.

Delmonico screams and whimpers like a whipped pup and everyone comes runnin' over to see what the ruckus was about. They see Delmonico curled up in a ball holding himself and writhing in pain. Sarge looks over and says "At least the sheep'll be safe now." and grabs the lard bucket and hands it to Delmonico. The old cook, still writhing in pain, dips his hand in the lard and smears lard all over his burn. He then finds a sausage in it, and being a good Frenchman at heart, never lets a good sausage go toi waste. He pops it in his mouth and starts chewing.

CRUNCH!!! His teeth crack and he realizes that he just bit into a piece of bone. Extracting the sausage, he was shocked and mortified to find that the sausage was one of the sarge's toes. He screams "TOE JAM" and runs for a cup of coffee to wash his mouth out. A big swig of coffee and Delmonico realizes that something else was awry. He spits the coffee to the ground as the rest of the camp roars in laughter. He looks over to The Sarge and says" I'm in the presense of greatness." The 2 combatants shake hands and Sarge tells Delmonico that he knows of a Irish whore that will make his owie all better but don't worry about drippage in a week or 10 days. Delmonico reluctantly agrees and the two of them ride off on the buckboard to the rolling whorehouse.

Sarge introduces Delmonico to Irish Kate, a fallen wench from County Mayo. She sizes up the cook and tells the sarge that it'll cost an extra 2 yankee greenbacks. Sarge flips her a brand new $20.00 gold piece that he had relieved a Union Army Paymaster of prior to The North's cessation of hostilities toward the Good People Of The Confederacy. Sarge tells Irish Kate that there's another one in it for her if she can make Delmonico's toes curl. She smiles and says "Get that gold piece ready darlin'. Irish Kate kin curl the toes of anyone, expecially a Frenchman.

[Delmonico]

Delmonico says, "But I ain't no Frenchman and I ain't a yankee or a reb!  But look what I brought, no mercury syringe fer me, if'n ya would have asked I had these in the chuckwagon." 

And with that Demonico reaches inta the pocket of his trousers and pulls out a period correct lamb intestine condom and says ta the Sarge, "Ya misunderstuid about the sheep, I was trying ta spain it ta ya and save ya the mercury syrige but ya was to drunk ta listen."

Hours latter Delmonico comes out of the wagon and the Irish lady has given him both $20 gold pieces and as he heads back ta camp she hollors, "I'll send word ta ya when I get another $40.

[Delmonico]

Delmonico gets back ta camp, no one is around, horses are gone, brandin iruns and ropes are still in the chuckwagon so he knows the crew ain't workin.

"Thats it" he says to himself.  "I ain't puttin' up with this no more, roundup boss goin' home fer the weekend, crew drunk rowdy and diseased."  "The extra cook is still out looking fer the boss and he went home ta see his wife and 15 kids, might be 16 by now."

"They can just cook fer themselves, bet they still complain about the food."

He then goes ta the chuckwagon and gets a piece of paper, "hope at least one of them can read, that way they can read it ta Slim when he get back."

SLIM AND CREW: I QUIT!  I AM GOIN' TA DODGE CITY AND OUTFIT FER BUFFALO HUNTIN'.
IF YA WANT TA COME YA CAN,  NO WHORES, NO BOOZE IN HOSTILE COUNTRY!
MEET ME AT RATH'S STORE TOMMOROW EVENIN.

DELMONICO

He then nailed the paper ta the tank of the chuckwagon, letting a stream of cheap booze dribble on the ground.  Saddling the largest mule he goes ta the chuckwagon one more time and gets his  Sharp's 50-90 with the German 6X scope on it (Zeiss is nice)  Carefulling putting in the scabbard he puts a pack saddle on another mule and adds a little grub and his loadin' outfit to the pack.

"I'll just get what else I need in Dodge."  With that he heads south ta the Arkansaw river, giggling with the thought that poor ol' Slim will try ta put hot irun ta a 2000 pound buffalo bull when he shows up. 

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Slim finds the note and shows it to The Sarge. Sarge says "Danged fool yankee. He'd rather run around with buffalo than whores? And he spilt good swillin' whiskey on the ground. Hell, I'm goin over to the rollin' whorehouse. I hear that Irish Kate has a new strain of cooties that Delmonico's sheep skin was unable to prevent. That extra yankee 20 dollar gold piece was to ensure that she didn't tell him about it. By time he gets to Dodge, his pecker oughta be really twitchin' n' drippin'. He laughed at us when he thought that we had the cooties..............."


tag Slim....

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

Brazos sits astride his mouse colored mustang atop the low hill overlooking the chuckwagon and camp.  Off in the distance he sees Delmonico and his mules aheaden away from camp.  Down below he sees The sarge and Slim standin' near  the wagon and he can just make out a growing puddle towards the rear.

"Gall Dang! That ol' Delmonico done emptied the booze out of that tank wagon!"  Brazos swears.  "Well, I haven't had a drink since I swallowed some of that Broax stuff."  Stomach is feelin' pretty good and his head is a lot clearer.  "You know, I'm a gonna miss that Delmonico's cookin!  But since he's a leavin', I think I'll just mousy on out o' here too.  Think I'll head up Wyoming way and give that Country a look see."

Brazos turns that Mustang towards the West.  The Mustang gives a half hearted buck and settles into a gentle lope away from camp.  Last thing he thinks about makes him crack a grin.  "Wonder who ol' Slim will put his brand on next?"

[Trinity]

"Now, just who's gonna unchain me?  Ahm still chained up here where Delmonico left me... WITH NO BOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Say, anyone ever notice that Delmonico whines and complains alot like Strother Martin?"  "Are you too related?" Trinity screams out in the hopes that Delmonico might still be able to hear him.

"Dang!  Now I gotta figure out how to ge loose..."

[Delmonico]

Just then a rider comes into camp at a gallop, he slides off his horse, unlocks Trinity's leg irons, hands him a bottle of whiskey, says " Delmonico said ta tell ya that ya whine more than he does."  Jumpin' back on his horse he say's "So long gotta go, don't have time ta talk, gotta get back ta Dodge."

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Well, I can't even cook a can of beans and I ain't eat'n cold beans, so I had better follow Delmonico to Dodge or I might starve." Slim graps his branding iron, jumps on his horse, and heads for Dodge.

[Delmonico]

As Delmonico crosses the South Platte river he aslo passes out of the "South of Dodge" thread and into the "Nuther Story" thread.

As he camps on the north bank fer the night he decides ta take a bath and rinse his clothes.  As he removes his shirt hi sees the corked catridge case on the cord  round his neck.  "Durn he says, I hope them two is smart enough ta carry some strychinine with them in case they get caught by Comanche's.  "Oh well you'd think maybe they'd studied enough ta know tha Buffalo Hunters in Comanche territory carried some just in case it was needed.  Durn if Trinity finds some honey and gets captured they'll tie him ta an anthill and spread it all over him."

"What is left of Slim we'll be able ta bury in a pork and bean can." 

"Oh well they be big boys, I can't babysit them all the time." 

(Whisper on, "they see this post and panic, not realizing that there is a company of buffalo solidiers between them and Quana Parkers camp.  Whisper off.)

[Silver Creek Slim]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I don't have any strik... whatever it is called!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Delmonico]

Delmonico rides inta the camp on Hanging Woman Creek, no one is there.  He gets his knife and puts it in his saddle bag.  Out loud but to no one he says "I think Gopher Grease can track Slim ta the buffalo camp, he leaves sign that is as easy ta follow as rat poop in a sugar bowl."  (The late Skeeter Skelton who I stole this from always said rat turds, but I won't.)

"I wonder what happed ta the Drifter, ain't heard from him in several days.  The Sarge has been over on TFS and Brazos has been lookin' fer a saloon dress over on the Cowgirls forum so I think those two are just hidin' from us.  They just don't know how good a tracker I am."

With that Delmonico turns his mule and heads south ta the other thread, wondering if the Comanche's used all the honey on Trinity or if they left him any for his biscuits.

[Delmonico]

Delmonico crosses to the south bank of the South Platte River and into the "South of Dodge" thread.

[Delmonico]

Crossing the South Platte puts Delmonico in this thread, headin' on North he comes ta the old roundup camp from the week before.  The 48 mules for the 24 mule team chuckwagon are in the corral.  He feeds them and waters them.

Delmonico then heads to the WSW toward Kearney Newbrasskey, by goin' the long way around the thread comes ta the top in a more elegant manner than "BTT.

[Delmonico]

Delmonico realizes he is travelin' in the wrong direction and changes his course.  All this travelin' around has tired him out so he gets an idea and heads fer Cheynne Wyoming.

At the Union Pacific Depot he puts his mule and gear on the east bound and settles down in the passenger car, ridin' the cushions as they say, will give him a bit of rest before the next adventure.

Just east of Pine Bluffs Wyoming he leaves the Nuther Story thread and enters the Newbrasskey thread.