Cas City Forum Hall & CAS-L
GENERAL TOPICS => Tall Tales => Topic started by: Delmonico on September 03, 2004, 07:19:39 PM
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The sun had been up for over 3 hours when the debris from the floor of the saloon rode up to the chuckwagon. Delmonico was sitting around a bunch of dutch ovens covered with coals, his handy 2 gallon coffee pot sitting near the fire, full of course of that magic elxier of life that all cosie's live on. 8)
"Morning fellows, glad ya showed up, ya don't look so well." "But I knew ya wern't going to be feeling well when I left the saloon last night." ;D
"But I like ya fella's so to make ya feel better I've been cooking all night and guess what I shot on the way back to camp." :o
"Brunch will be ready in about an hour, have a cup of coffee while you wait." :P
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Trinity, not much pleased to be likened to "debris", says: "Boy, Delmoniker... what in tarnation happened last night? Ah thought we was havin' a drink with the Sarge and next thing Ah know Ahm wakin up with sawdust and dirt in mah mouth. :-[ We had some good pards in the saloon with us, that shore was fun ;D ;D!
Sayyyy... whuts in them ovens? ? ? ?"
Trinity eagerly yet gingerly takes a mug of hot, steaming, black coffee and stumbles over to a log by the fire to take a seat. His motion is not graceful by any means, but not one drop of coffee is spilled!
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Foothills Drifter rides into camp and falls off of his horse. My horse had toooooo much to drink and can't walk a straight line....he is imposibale ta ride :o He crawls over to the fire and grabs a cup and fills the cup to the brim and then some and chugs down a full cup of 400 degree coffee :o :o :o Her stands up (and in a John Wayne fashion) says we're burinin daylight....lets ride! and then falls face down in the dirt...........
Good shootin......
Vern...... 8)
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We gots blackeyed peas and hog jowls in one oven, sourdough bread in another one. Found some goosebrries and made a gooseberry pie. Used some dried apples and made another pie. Got a dump cake in another. Shot a turkey, got it cookin' and going ta make some dumplings with it.
By the way did ya think ta get another barrel of flour. Some fat guy came by, said his name was something Atkins, whinned something about carbooohdrites, think he was talking bout fool's gold. Well any way he grabbed his chest and fell down, Doc came and hauled him into town! ::)
Will ya wake up Footy there and would the two of ya run back ta town and see what happened ta the Seargent. ;D
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Say, Delmonico, ya' mentioned "Dump Cake"; do ya' got's a recipee fer it?. We lost the one my Mom gave my Bride, and just flat can't remember any of it, 'cept it had flour, and Mom's had 'nanners in it. Real easy, though; just dump everything in a pan, mix it up, and bake it; m-m good. Thanks, in advance.
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Foothills Drifter sloooowly gets up at smellin and hearin the talk of food. Hay...that smells real darn good! Fix me a little and then I'll ride off and see if I can't find the good Sarge. Sure hope my horse still aint too drunk ta ride :o Ya better gimme a bisquit fer him too......
Good shootin......
Vern... 8)
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To EP, no recipe, if'n it's got a recipe it ain't no dump cake, a dump cake is made by dumpin' what ya got together and makin' a cake. Ain't got no coffee cake recipes in my mind that use bannanas either. Will do some checkin' though. Might just PM Ruff, he most likey do.
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Here is one of yesterdays biscuits fer that horse, keep him out a da saloon when ya go fer the Sarge. I'm worried about him, we ain't heard from him at all on this page. ;D
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Trinity pauses from drinking his nineth mug of coffee and looks up, crosseyed: "The Sarge? Dint someone take him down to the river last night for a cleanin or was he one of the pards I stepped over this morning when I left the saloon? ? ? I don' 'member no more.
How bout one of them bis-kits for me and some cake? Which one? Why some of all, please. Jes pile up what you can on a plate, remember which-uns ya gave me and when you get the plate back, pile on the other cakes. Mah belly feels like it's inside out. "
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The Drifter mounts up and heads out towards town. As he is ridin he thinks this is goin ta be an interestin ride.......A coupla miles out my horse abruptly stops, bucks and as I hit the ground he steps over me and shows his disgust for me (it aint that bad, he only farts) As I get up I see a covered wagon about a 1/4 mile off to the right. I slowly ride towards the wagon keepin a watchful eye in all directions. It sounds like there is a good time happinin in that wagon.........
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
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Old Sergeant Smokepole rides into camp, blurry eyed as all get out. He screams " Whoo's cooking greased owl crap?" and proceeds to barf on his horse's neck. The horse, none too happy, bucks, throws him off and drops a few meadow muffins his way. Old Sarge laughs and says "Touche" and proceeds to clean up the horse, all the while grousing that the cooking smell is worse than the pike smell..............
"It's too early in the mornin' for food. Where's the whiskey?"
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Delmonico say, "Them heathens drank all that ya guys left in camp before the went ta town yester day. I got that bottle of brandy I use for flamin' desserts in the top drawer of the chuckwagon.
"Ya can cut the yellin out, them other two heathens went ta town lookin' fer ya, have a shot of brandy and light, sendin' those two lookin' fer someone that was lost? Naw latter when they don't find ya and come back, ya can look fer them if ya want. Bet they get lost on the way ta town."
" Grub a'll be ready soon, good like always, boy were sure got them fooled, they really think we hate each other."
"Later I'll tell ya the plan I got for them when they get back, this is even better than the last one, thanks fer getting me the Castor Oil, they really thought it was a fancy salad dressing when I mixed it with the vinegar, what kind of weed was that we put it on fer them, bet they will never get the stains out of their drawers."
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Brandy???????????? That's a Girly-Man's drink. Aint whiskey, not even close. Hell, Might as well get some grub if'n ya aint got no real whiskey..... Where's the tins?
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......As I get ta the wagon, 5 young ladies (of the evening?) step out in verious stages of undress! Howdy cowboy, can we be of service to ya? Yes. I says, but I aint got no money. I'm lookin fer Sargeant Smokepole. Ya got him in the back of yer wagon? No fraid not. A half drunk cowboy did ride by a short time ago....he didn't even notice us at all! Went off in that direction, looked like he was lost. Thats kina the direct I came from, well.....I guess I coulda missed him.The Drifter rides on...........(wishin he had some money!)
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
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well.....I been ridin fer a coulpe a few hours now. Aint seen hide ner hair of the Sarge or anyone / thing at all! Not even a track. It feels like 110 degrees out here taday....I just gave the last of the water ta my horse and I'm walkin now cus hes plum wore out from all that drinkin he done last night (I aint much better off!) Us 'Drifters' don't never get lost...HOWEVER...I sure hope someone comes by soon. Thing sure aint lookin good............
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
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The eatin' irons be under the wagon, have some grub, them other two may be back with some whiskey by the time ya be done, if the Drifter don't get lost again. Member the last time he got lost we didn't see him fer 3 weeks, ended up Ogylolla Newbrasskey.
If they ain't back when ya get done, ride about 4 miles back tawerds town, there was some soiled doves in a wagon there, they may have some whiskey. They wanted me ta stop when I was coming from town, told them I had the experience, had the dollar, but didn't have the time. They said some Black cook tolt them that a few weeks ago up near Belle Foooch.
If ya go feer whiskey, just get whiskey and nothin' else. That be the bunch the guys from the -88 ranch got that horrible disease from, remember what happened ta Hacker Bill, he's got more ta worry about than the consooomtion now, good thing he uses a McClellan saddle.
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......The Drifter has been restin under his horse (in the shade?!) He looks up and sees a bunch of buzzards circlin above. 'Must be somthin dead around here...wait, I'm the only thing around here! I guess we better get ta movin on'. Drifter walks his horse a nother mile or so and sees a couple a wagons. On looks like the one them 'soiled doves' was in, the other has a sign that says J. Daniel's ~ Whiskey. I don't see no one around.....wonder whats goin on. Guess I better have a look-see......
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
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Soiled Doves with cooties?????????? Whoda thunk it? Ah hell. Gotta die from somethin'. Rather it be bad cooze than a bullet...........
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Well here I sit, the drifter is lost, Trinity is lost, the Sergeant is going ta the portable brothel ta get whiskey and the clap. One good thing though, I think tommorow Silver Creek Slim al' show up. I think he has a good sense of direction and will stay sober and not be catchin' no diseases. :o
Besides that he is goin' ta be bringin' some Wiiisscooosin cheese ta old cookie, must get some sourdough whole wheat bread made SSS will be wantin' a toasted cheese sandvich, before he goes out ta find Trinity and the Drifter, damn last time the Drifter got lost he was gone for 5 days, he has just been a shadow of himself ever since. ;D
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Slim rides up to the fire leading a pack horse. "Morning, Delmonico. How's the coffee? Hope it is strong. I been riding for two days straight." "By the way, I got your barrel of flour and some cheese from the Sauk area."
Slim
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Good these other three are runnin' round like chickens with their heads cut off,. Trinty and the Drifter got lost and the Sarge is headed down ta that brothel on wheels fer whiskey and floosies. Every time we need him he is off chasing floosie. Well the round up begains the day after tommorow, will just have some one rope the Sarge and take care of the chasing flooses, guess we can brand him at the same time. :o
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After I get some grub, I will go round up Sarge so we can brand... ;D
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I'll get the fire built up and a knife sharpened. :o Ya supose them other two'll show up or is you gonna have ta look fer them. When ya find the Sarge we better not make him inta a steer yet or brand him. Ya'll need him ta find the other two and ta help on the brandin', we can do the other when we have more help and when everything else is done cause he's gonna be sore and wuthless fer a few days. ;D But I think it needs ta be done, ya know how much better yer dog is now that we did that, ain't out chasin' every dog in heat like the Sarge is now. ;D
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I guess you are right. :( Give me some grub and I will be off to find Sarge and the boys.
Slim
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Here, just fill up one of these plates, yer gonna have ta scroll back a ways ta find out what I cooked, I've been so upset about not hav'n enough help ta get the roundup done that I fergot. It's too bad Marshall Halloway is so busy with the board he can't ramrod this roundup, he would keep those other three in line. Besides that he had some sort of accident with one of those new-fangled electrical devices, last time I seen him he was walkin' kinda funny. ;D
Oh by the way he waddled by when we were in town, said you were the wagon boss here, raised yer wages ta $40 and found and with them other three yer gonna earn it,
If any cowpunchers wander by, da we needs ta hire them, I know most in the area. ;)
Sourdough whole wheat toasted cheese sandwiches fer supper, yer favorite.
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Thanks for the grub.
I try it stay away from them new-fangled 'lectric thingys.
My, the wagon boss. ??? I might have to get a bullwhip the next time I go ta town.
We might need more than the 5 of us for the roundup. Go ahead and signon a few more punchers that don't look like a lot of trouble.
I'll be back fer supper if I got the boys in tow or not. I am not gonna miss cheese sandvishes. ;D
*Slim gets on his horse (from the left side) and rides off in the direction Delmonico said he saw the wagon of "ladies".*
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Well Slim ate the rest of the grub, where does he put all that, maybe he's got a tapeworm, \might have ta dig up the turpintine and dose him. :P
Well I got the ovens and the rest of the dishes done. With the bread fer the sanviches done all I needs ta do is figger out dessert and I gots and idea. Sinch the Sarge didn't want the brandy, I'll just make some sourdough pankakes and pour the brandy over them and lites it on fyre. Sourdough Crepe Suzzetes, must be careful though, least it ain't windy ta day, last time I made those Slim dropped his plate and the prairie fire went fer a long and burnt out all those ranchers south of the Cimmaron and we were up on the Powder when it happened. But I'll never tell them it was Slim's fault, even if there be a reward. :-X
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Now what, there is a big bunch ridin' from the dierection of town, it can't be Slim yet, to many anyway. I'll just grab the sarge's field glasses out of the chuckwagon and take a peek.
Oh, bother it is that deputy from town, and he seems to have most of that rabble from the livery stable with him, I spose he is lookin' for somebody, that bunch almost looks like a posse of sorts. I hope the birds don't eat the bread crumbs they always leave ta find their way home. The last time they formed a posse they got lost for a month, ended up in Iowa and had ta ship them and their horses back by train.
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Delmonico sits in his rocking chair that he always carries it the chuckwagon and waits while the posse ties up their horses a 100 yards from camp, cause they know Delmonico don't take ta horses in in cookcamp and has a gun with two 10 gauge barrels side by side, a 50-90 barrel below and a 32-20 barrel in the rib. ( Gift from a visiting German Baron who likes sourdough pumpernickle bread and sauerbraten)
The deputy and the rest of the posse come up to the camp, careful not to stir up dust. The deputy says, we have a warrent fer Sergeant Smokepole, he busted up the Lawyer's office and run him out of town.
Delmonico says, "Well yer warrent ain't good here, that happened on another thread in the Longbranch fourm. You know you're warrent is only good in the same thread in the same forum."
The last time this happened Marshall Halloway made it clear ta you on that point and even yer 2 bit lawyer tolt ya that. Besides that this is the Marshall's round up camp and if you arrest one of his cowboys ya might get banned from the board. Silver Creek Slim went ta get the Sarge and ya better not tell him what yer tryin' ta do, cause he's one of the moderators on this board. As fer them papers go ahead and leave them, we is havin' Crepe Suzzetes tonight fer supper and Trinity might just need them.
However if ya want a job deputy we is hirin', Slim (who said I could say poop) will pay ya more ta scoop up the poop from our remuda than ya get paid in town ta scoop it out of the livery stable.
Couse their ain't much else yer good fer, if we sent ya out ta roundup cattle we would have ta wire ya money fer a train ticket, and ya ain't worth it.
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'Bout 5 miles from camp, Slim sees a couple of wagons in the distance.
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With Slim out lookin' fer the other three and the posse follerin' the trail of bread crumbs back ta town, Delmonico decides ta take a nap under the wagon till somethin' else happens. ;D
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With Slim out lookin' fer the other three and the posse follerin' the trail of bread crumbs back ta town, Delmonico decides ta take a nap under the wagon till somethin' else happens. ;D
Hey! You stole my idea! ;D I think I need an expreeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Slim
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About 2 miles before he gets ta the brothel on wheels, Slim notices another wagon, a small one withe covered sides and a window. The sign on the side says,
Hanging Woman Creek Coffee Wagon
Lattes, Espresso and Fruit Smoothies
Slim rides up ta the window and orders a douple shot of essppprrressooo ta go.
This gives him the get up ta get up and do what needs ta be done.
Mean while back at the chuckwagon flies are starting ta bite Delmonico, made at the Deputy fer leaving fly bait behind with out cleaning it up, Delmonico goes ta the portable icebox he always carries in the chuckwagon anf get a cold Cream Soda ta sip on till there is some sign that Slim has been successful on bringing back the wayward crew.
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Slim gets to the wagons. He rousts Sarge and Drifter from the wagons. Since they are a bit tipsy, he has to tie them on their saddles so they don't fall off. He leads them back in the direction of the chuckwagon. Now, he has to figure out where Trinity went.
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Slim asks the sarge, "How was the whorehouse?" Sarge responds "Stanky, Skanky, Thanky." He had a grin that only a half dozen tarts in the territory could have given him. Slim queried "Stanky Sophie and Skanky Sadie?"
Sarge smiles and said Yep.......
"What's this bullcrap about some deputy havin' a warrant for me? I shoulda kilt that maggot. Seems like every time I'm fellin' a tad charitable, ir comes back to bite me in the ass."
"I guess I'm gonna have to go on a little huntin' party before the roundup" and rolled over the wagon side and disappeared into the sage.
Slim says "Damn him....."
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"Oh well, I still have Drifter," says Slim. He continues toward the chuckwagon.
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Delmonico finishes his soda and tosses the bottle in the pile under the tree. "Must get Slim ta take these ta town and get our deposit back on them."
Wonder if Slim is havin' any luck with the crew.
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Back at the camp on the day after the night in the saloon, Trinity drinks his twentieth cup of coffee and, attempting to stand up, realizes that the combination of way too much booze the night before and too much coffee this morning has not had a good effect. He could raise himself, but was dizzy and very shakey! There was only one thing that could relieve this predicament... Whiskey!!!
Trinity drags over to Delmonico at the the Chuckwagon and, to his great horror, discovers that there is no more booze "Oh my god!" cries Trinity and grumbles off to his bed roll. This has to be remedied. He quickly pulls on the boots laying next to his bed and runs to his horse. Then he runs back, removes Slims boots and searches for his. After finding and donning his boots, he runs again to his horse (in a line not unlike that that a bee makes... not straight) and tears off to town.
After being gone for roughly twelve hours, Trinity begins to regret this rash move. He is hungry, he has no idea where he is, he is hungry, he doesn't know where town is and most importantly... He's Hungry! Boy wouldn't some of Delmonico's chili be good right now? Along with some of his sourdough bread to sop up the greasy remnants. Oops, did he say greasy? He didn't mean it... that is not very PC these days. He meant Delectable.
Just then a cook he had known from a previous job named Nightlinger was riding by when he recognized his old friend. Noticing Trinity's extreme hunger, but not having time (something about working with a bunch of boys) he suggested he stop by a couple of wagons he had just left...
When Trinity arrived... ;D ;D ;D ;D Trinity forgot his need for food entirely and a new hunger welled up within his body when he saw the beauties!
"Why hello there cowboy", the girls crooned. "What might you be doing out here?" Trinity very briefly explained his need for whiskey, directions and... well, you know what else.
The evening after next, Trinity rolled out of the wagon, looked over the girls to make sure he hadn't missed one and then settled up with the Madamme. Now with all of his appetites sated (with the exception of one since it appears that one of their previous customers cleaned them out of their booze. They wouldn't say who, being the fine women of principle that they are) and a set of directions, Trinity set out for the town to complete his original mission.
On his return trip, Trinity stops back by the girls wagons (just to make sure everything is going alright) and eventually makes it back to camp hooting and hollering. As the buckboard rolls up the few pards at the camp jump up to see who is making such a racket and disturbing their gourmet meal. Trinity stands up, scratches and calls out "Sarge, there you are, we were all wondering where you disappeared to!"
The Sarge replies: "Me? what are you talking abo... say..., what's in them cases?" Trinity scratches, "Them? Them's the cases of George Dickel which Ah went to get. Ah got us a whole buckboard full. We also got us two cases of Mezcal for them that be wantin' a hurtin" Ah recon it ought to last us a few nights. Mebbe more ifn the other fellers don' come back. Ah also brung some espresssssooooo fer you, Delmonico.
Trinity scratches himself, grabs a crate and takes it to the table.
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"Trinity, You're an OK kinda guy. Pass me a bottle o' Dickel and set down from the buck board."
Trinity looks over and sees something swingin' from the nearby tree. He walks over to get a better look. There he swings, all trussed up, bound and gagged, was Lawyer Dagit. Trinity asks Sarge, "did you do this?" Sarge just looked at him and slid out this evil grin and said nothing. Trinity walks over and sees that tyhe way that Dagit was trussed up, that he was in no danger of actually hangin' but only had the looks of takin' the final swing. He looked at The Sarge and said" I saw that on Kennesaw Mountain in 63. There was a Yank all trussed up like this."
Sarge said "I don't know who did this and nobody can prove anything.".....
Sarge walked up and loosened the gag over Dagit's mouth. Dagit, in a panicked voice, said" please let me go. I'll drop all charges and leave the territory. You're a madman and shouldn't be left out in the public.
Sarge cut him loose and as he did so, leaned over to Dagit and whispered something in his ear. Dagit lost control of his bodily functions and soiled himself so bad that the dog walking by moved away... He walked awa, whinpering like a whipped puppy.
Sarge smiled and said, "Trinity, break open that Dickel."
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Well you boys play nice with that lawyer fella, don't drink so much ya can't get up in the morning. I sent Slim in ta town ta fetch the Doc, his big syringe and his calomel (mercuric chloride) ta cure you of what ya got from those ladies back at that wagon. Ya must like Doc shootin' that calomel up yer man parts or ya sure would find cleaner ladies ta dally with. I do hope the Doc ain't drunk like he was the last time he gave ya the cure, I know the turpintine was an honest mistake. (HE HE HAW) ;D
We ain't got much ta do tamarrow so we'll have breakfast bout 8. The doc should be har bout 10 ta clean ya boys out. :o
Delmonico then heads ta a wall tent he had stashed in the chuckwagon, on the cot there is a feather tick and a couple of nice quilts and since it is a bit cool outside a pot bellied stove has a nice fire goin' in it. As Delmonico drifts off ta sleep he is thinking that maybe Slim should have got a couple more teams of mules fer the chuckwagon cause it seems ta grow heavier by the hour. ::)
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Bout nine AM, Slim rides into camp with Doc, who is schnockered of course, in tow. Slim yells, "Delmonico, wake up! Breakfast is supposed to be at 8 bells!" "If I didn't have to babysit you guys, we might be able to roundup some beeves."
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Slim walks over ta the wall tent and finds Delmonico gagged and tied up, removing the gag he finds out the crew didn't want breakfast at 8 am, but instead of telling the cook in a nice manner in their drunken stupor they tie him up instead.
But our cosie is not offended, he has a sense of humor and when no one is lookin' he adds Tabasco Sauce to the Doc's calomel solution that he is about to inject you know where in the infected members of the crew.
Don't get excited Slim, the rest of the ranches are not going ta have their crews here for two days. There is some bread and cheese ya can have fer breakfast, I'm going ta town ta see if I can find some more men ta help. You keep an eye on these three and keep them in camp while I'm gone, but the pepper sauce treatment will most likley keep them down soaking themselves in the creek the rest of the day.
Don't worry about them drinkin' to much either, I just put Syrup of Ipeeekack in all there bottles, 2 sips of that and they will be recthing their guts out. I also put the bottles down by the creek, that way you won't have ta watch the mess. and the water will was it away. "Remember though always drink upsteam from the drunks."
As Delmonico saddles one of the mules he laughs to himself, "Them guys in Monty Walsh ain't seen nothin' like what gonna happen ta these guys, aggrivate the cook, not to bright."
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Slim says, "That sounds good to me, Delmonico. But, watch out for banditos. I heard from the US Marshal that he was tracking some down in this area." Delmonico rides toward town. Slim starts the fire and puts on a new pot of coffee. He gets some bread and cheese for breakfast. The Doc gives the boys their treatment. In about 10 seconds, the boys come a running out of the tent and jump in the creek. Slim yells to them through tears of laughter, "Serves ya right for socializing with the 'ladies'."
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As Delmonico rides toward town he sees a pony with a rider coming taward him, a little brown pony, bout the color of chawing tabbacer. The pony had an old Texas kack style saddle on it and in the saddle was a young feller, with a cotton sack a clothes. He had one brooguns and 1 OK spur, he said< My wicked stepmother drove me from home, can I get a job, though I don't know much about cows."
Delmonico says "sure, just head down the trail ta where ya hear all that yellin', talk ta Slim, we need a horse wrangler and he'll take a liken ta ya cause he has 15 kids of his own."
As the kid heads ta the camp, Delmonico heads inta town armed with 2 LeMatts in case of trouble.
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Slim looks down the trail toward town as he takes a bite of cheese. He sees a small horse and rider coming up the trail. He puts the 10 bore mule ear across his lap and continues to eat his breakfast.
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As Delmonico heads on into town he sees another young feller comin' up the road, this time on a paint pony. As he stops ta howdy with the feller the young man tells him, "I had a fight with my pa and two brothers, do ya need another hand?
Delmonico says, "sorry Cartwright, we already have one Little Joe in this story, it would make it confusing ta have another." ::) "I did here there is another story lookin' fer a Teanage Wolfman, ya might ask around about it." :P
As Little Joe the Cartwright heads on down the trail, Delmonico heads again in the direction of town.
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As Delmonico arrives in town he passes the General Store, this reminds him that he needs some Tabasco Sauce since all he has was "accidently' used by the Doc ta cure the Social Disease of the men at camp. He does wonder where he will find some more hands, at least a couple more will help although he knows that when it comes ta the roundup the drunken hands who like ta chase whores will really buckle down and do their jobs, if they survive to the start of the roundup. ;D
An ad in the paper would be a good idea but since it comes out on Tuesday and it is already Wedsday it will be almost a week before anyone reads the ad. Then an idea comes to mind, "It worked fer John Wayne, it will work for us," and Delmonico heads ta the schoolhouse.
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Now wait a cotton-pick'n minute! >:( What do you mean by "It worked fer John Wayne, it will work for us,"? John Wayne's character, Wil Anderson, died in the movie. He was the ramrod. Since I am the wagonmaster/ramrod, I might end up just like Wil Anderson. :(
Slim
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(Never fear Slim, I got it figured ahead!)
As Delmonico heads ta the schoolhouse he remembers that John Wayne had ta wait till school was out, and since this is a fall roundup, waiting till sping won't work.
Then lurking around down by the river near town is a group of ragged lookin' men, the leader with really long stringy hair and funny eyes. Takin' a closer look it turns out ta be Bruce Dern and his crew from the same movie.
"Howdy," they say, "Ya lookin fer some good hands, we're lookin' fer a job and we promise not ta shoot yer boss in the back, we got kilt the last time we did that, but we've reformed since then."
Delmonico says, "Sounds good ta me, I belive in givin'a man a chance, if ya got ta kill any one don't kill Slim, he has 15 kids. If ya got ta kill someone I would rather ya killed the Sarge, the Drifter or Trinity. They have a bad disease any way and won't live long."
(There Slim you are covered.)
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Now just wait a cotton-pickin' minute!
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Trinity wakes after another drunk with the Sarge. Delmonico had gone to bed early saying something about eight o'clock, the Doc comin to visit us and drinking too much. He wasn't very clear.
Trinity scratches himself and then searches for another bottle of Dickel, but can't find one. He says to himself "Hmm. I jest caint believe that we drunk it all!" At that time, the doc emerges from Delmonico's tent and then Trinity remembers exactly what Delmonico was talking about last night. He tries to run away but his legs still under the effect of the previous night's alcohol, he falls face down in a pile of horse apples. The doctor helps him to his feet...
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Standing, (well, actually dancing) waist deep in the cold creek, Trinity tries to grasp just what happened to him and why the ice cold water is not soothing the extreme burning sensation when he sees a cache of Dickel bottles on the bank of the creek. Trinity thought to himself "Whew! I don' know how them bottles got here but I shore do need some and NOW!" Trinity reaches for a bottle, removes the cork and drinks heavily. ... Uh oh! ... :P
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Delmonico is feeling better cause there is enough crew ta roundup and brand. Feeling happy he drops off a grocery list at the store. "Just deliver it out ta the roundup camp about 9 miles south of town. Ya might want ta send yer delivery boy around the back way. The portable brothel is about 5 miles out, The experience would be good fer the boy but they social disease they carry with them would stunt his growth."
"Have them out there this evening, I need ta fix the crew something nice tamarraw, the 3 old hands have had kinda of a rough day."
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One the way back ta camp Delmonico sees a farm off to the side of the road, going up to it he finds out the folks their raise chickens. Always thinkin' of the crew, he aranges ta have 4 dozen eggs delivered each afternoon.
He also buys a couple of old hens and puts them in a gunny sack accross the saddle of the mule, with the promise of the eggs being delivered in a couple of hours Delmonico decides Chicken and Noodles would be good fer the crew since the old hands were sick and the new ones looked like they hadn't ate in a week.
Arriving back it camp Delmonico notice the 3 old hands were still standing in the creek, Little Joe the Wrangler (not Cartwright) was tending the horses and the new hands had unloaded the cook stove from the chuckwagon.
Getting a large pot boiling tha scald and pick the chickens, Delmonico cut the heads off of both and let them go, course the headed toward the 3 fellows standing in the creek, The Drifter looked up just as 2 headless chickens headed their way.
-
Sarge wakes up and looks around at all of the hung over pards. He shouts "Suck it up and deal with it you sheepherders!!!" Delmonico looks at him and now knows why he was such an effective Sergeant Major in The War of Northern Aggression.
Sarge looks at the drovers and says "I'll skip breakfast. There's work to be done." He then strides over to his horse, an Apaloosa named Swifty, and saddles him up, cinching his old McClellan saddle.
Climbing up, Sarge looks over toward the fire and says "Anythin' happen last night with some girlie man named Dagit?" He rode off towrd the herd with this evil grin that would put chills down the back of a dead man.
Sarge starts a chorus of Dixie...
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Delmonico changes the words as the Sarge gets out of ear (and pistol) shot. ;D
" Way down south in the land of cotton"
"they send us their whores that are rotton.)
Delmonico says, he didn't notice the sign on the brothel on wheels that says "Southern Belles for Rent." ::)
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Slim yells to the boys still in the creek, "Watch out for them man eating headless chickens!"
-
Brazos Bucky rises from the corner of the room where he spent the night in a heap. Shakes his head to clear the cob webs of too much liquor, and say to Delmonico "Hey can I have some of that cake or bread to soak up the stuff still sloushing around in my gut?"
Turns to Slim and says "hey how did I get that burn on my leg? Looks a little bit like that wavy part of your'n branding iron! And, quit yellin' about those chicken's with no heads! Makes my head acke."
BB ;D
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"Well, we was trying to brand Sarge last night while he was snorin'. But, Delmonico didn't hold his feet tight enough and he kicked the iron into my leg," said Slim.
;D
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Sarge mutters " Damned yankees. Don't appreciate nutthin'. No stones. Eat sissy food. You'd think they was still Frenchies or sumpin'. Shoulda kilt a few more at Shiloh, Antietam, Wilderness, Lookout Mountain. Buncha pantywaiste swabbie types if'n ya ask me..........."
-
;D Brazos rubs his head, takes his finger to his teeth to clean the fur off, and scratches his rump with the other hand. Notices Delmonico starting the chicken and noodles and says to him "Hey arn't we gettin a little genteil, can't we just have some beef, you know steaks or sumtin?"
Then Brazos looks towards the creek and sees the chickens runnin' and the naked cowboys standin in it with the water almost up to their (well never you mind) and he starts a laughin', he laughs so hard he falls down. Next thing ya's know he is a yellin' and rollin' around, cause one of the chicken heads he happened to sit on bits him on the (never you mind) and he can't dislodge the beek. Hurts like (well never you mind) and he forgets his headaches!
The boys in the creek well they start to laughin' but unbeknowct to them one of the chicken heads is a floatin' up behind them and ataches itself to Thinity's (well never you mind).......... :o :o :o
BB ;D
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Delmonico says ta Sarge, "Not a problem I can fix some Reb food, I'll parch some of the corn fer the mule team and make some of them corn pones, I got water, cornmeal and salt, don't need nothin's else fer that junk."
Brazo's I rounded up the chickens, if'n one a you cowhands was sober, ya would have rounded up a cow critter with someone else's brand besides Marshall Halloway's on it. Ya'll know someone's else beef always tastes better on a roundup! I know what we'll do, our new cowboy Bruce Dern can find us some beef without the bosses brand on it and he's got enough sense ta burrry the hide where no one will find it. Slim quit whinin' bout that burn, didn't char a spot moren' the size of a silver dollar. Here rub some sweet oil on it. (Olive oil, Note: this is no longer an approved method of treatin' burns cause it increases the risk of infection, but don't tell Slim.)
Supper al be ready just fore sundown delmonico says as the friendly sodbuster delivers the eggs.
-
Slim falls down laughing his head off and rolls on a cactus. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
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"Thanks for the sweet oil, Delmonico. Now, I have to get these cactus needles out of my elbow." :(
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Get the plyyers outa the tool box of the chuckwagon and see if there is someun' sober enough tha help pull them out. I gots ta get these noodles made, says Delmonico as he gets the period correct pasta roller out of the chuckwagon (Thomas Jefferson had one, I can too!)
Hey Slim ya might want ta see about gettin' another couple of span of mules, this chuckwagon is gettin' heavy with all the junk I keep addin' to it. We got ta gou up inta the High Country when we get down down here in the lowlands.
-
Slim gets Brazos Bucky ta help him pull out the the cactus needles. He then jumps on his horse, "Delmonico, I am go'n ta town ta get another team of mules for you wagon." He rides off towards town.
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Whoa wagon boss, check yer "Old West" terms dictionary, I said a couple of span, that adds up ta 2 teams or 4 mules.
While yer in town see if the store has some canned anchovies, I gots an idea fer a treat fer the crew tommorow. I don't think they gots no water buffalo milk mozzzarrrellloo cheese there, but our egg farmer brought me some skim milk farmer's cheese, almost the same thing as the cheap stuff they'll use whin delvery pizza is invented, ya like NeyW York thin crust er Chicago thick crust style?
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"Ok, two teams it is. No anchovies for me, please, but I will get some for ya. I prefer Chicago style crust on my Italian pie.", says Slim as he rides down the trail.
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All of a sudden, a shot was heard. In comes the Sarge draggin' a dead steer behind him. Delmonico rushes over to see if it was one of the boss's cows. He looked and where the brand was, a patch was cut out of the hide. Sarge says, "Now we kin eat some food that's fit fer men. I'm tired o' this sissy food. Make up some corn bread and fry up some steaks. What the deuce is with all these chicken heads? Which one o' you damned yankees has been chokin' these chickens?"
-
Slim came riding up the trail at full tilt. "What is tarnation was that shot fer? Are the Apaches attacking?" He looks behind Sarge, who has a big grin on his face, and sees the dead beef. "Sarge, how's beef is that?" >:(
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Delmonico tells the Sarge, ya kilt it, ya clean it. Ok ya just want plain ol cowboy food ok, ya get that, I'll save the tour of other foods ya could have had in the old west fer Slim and I.
If'n ya don't want anchovies Slim, ya got ta find some Eytallian sausage, or some pepperoni or some of the Eyetallian have that begains with a P, but I can't pronouce or spell. I don't make no foo foo peaza like they make now with hamburger or pineapple.
And with that Delmonico heads back ta camp muttering bout "Damn Yankee's and Unrepented Rebels."
-
Sarge remarks how he'd rather be skinnin' yankees than the beef, but Delmonico was right........... this time.
Steer all gutted, skinned and quartered, the old half breed Reb stakes out the hide and starts scrapin' and rubbin' in the salt to cure the hide.
"Damned fool yankee. I'd'a given him the hide for himself. At least I'll be warm when them cold winds start to blow soon.........."
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Delmonico is muttering back at the chuck wagon as only a cosie can mutter.
"Durn unrepented rebs don't want no sweetner in their cornbread, damn yankees do, rebs want white meal, yankees want yaller. They wants beef, don't know nutin' bout cow camp cookin, but what they seen on the silver screen, to dumb ta know old time cowboys wanted the beef very well done, well that is what they gonna get."
"Try ta teach them that the 4 b's (beef, bacon, biscuits and beans) ain't what they have ta eat and they whine. Then the durn ramrod don't even want anchovies on his peeeza."
"Next thing ya know that Norveegion that owns this ranch is gonna show up and want me ta fix Lutefisk and fruitsoup."
"That durn reb is gonna make that hide inta a soogun, the last one he did that to one, it wasn't done right, a chinook came through and we had ta bury his bedroll and all his clothes. I hope he has spare ones this time, it got cold fore we could get him some ta replace the ones we buryed and he froze his................"
"Worse thing is he wanted ta dance necked with a snake round his neck, said it would protect us from Injuns."
-
Cookin smells good,but why you save the ashes in the buckets?
-
...
The boys in the creek well they start to laughin' but unbeknowct to them one of the chicken heads is a floatin' up behind them and ataches itself to Thinity's (well never you mind).......... :o :o :o
BB ;D
"Now just wait a gall darned minute! Ah aint "Thinity" It's just cold in this here crik!!!"
TRinity removes the chicken head and finally feeling well enough, he climbs out of the creek. Still somewhat sick but only slightly drunk he searches for an untainted bottle to put an end to all this soberness when he hears of the new hand. BRUCE DERN!!! >:( >:( Where is he?
Trinity straps on his gun belt, and heads in the direction indicated by Slim until he comes to Bruce Dern. "Draw you ornery cuss!" Screams Trinity. "Ah din' never like none of your characters, and now Ah'm a gonna get even for John Wayne an them little boys!"
Bruce Dern reaches for his gun but that's the last thing he ever does. Three shots emerge from Trinity's gun. Bruce falls and so does Delmonico's horse. No one is quite sure where the third bullet went. Trinity says "Ah weren't sure which one was the real Bruce, so Ah had to let three fly 8) Whazzat? Someone shot Delmonico's horse. What kind of people do we have here??" ::)
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Delmonico, if I was to repent of my sins, and theres none them dam yanks need know of, it meen I wasnt a good reb.
If ya make yeller corn bread it needs some black strap to cover the smell of the yank corn you used.
And for your pizza New York and that windy place dont know nothen about it, crust need to be thin. Just flour, lard, salt, water and a bit of soda. As to what to put on top sweet oil tomatos and basil. chesse or not if you like.
-
Durn, now we got another Reb ta deal with, might as well get some more damned Yankees.
Glad yer here Gopher Grease, Slim will be back with my anchovies, I gots a meat grinder and a fresh hog ham in the chuckwagon, you gets one of these no good cowhands ta turn the handle fer ya and grind out some hog meat and make some eytallian sausage fer you and me and Slims peeza. I gots ta burn some steaks fer these other heathens, spices are in de spice cabinet it the chuckwagon.
Sarge ya got ta burry Bruce, durn ya I always liked his charecter, the best bad guy ever.
(Did any one notice the chuckwagon is starting ta sag? Must talk ta Slim about it!) ;D
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Bring them yanks, I need to clean my pistol any way
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You Johnny Rebs and Billy Yanks behave and don't be shootin' each other, the noise bothers me, besides that we're shorthanded as is thanks ta the Sarge.
Now don't be botherin' me I got ta thunk about this chuckwagon thing abit, if'n I keep adding gear it's gonna collapes.
.
.
.
.
(Still thinkin')
.
.
.
.
.
.
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I got it, Death Valley Days, we will just add a new chuckwagon to our story, instead of three wagons with borax and a water tank, we will have three chuckwagons and a tank of cheap booze fer the crew. Twenty Mule Teams ta pull it, (thats 40 mules Slim) and a future president ta narrate the whole thing.
:) :D ;D :o ::) :P
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Sarge sees what happens to Delmonico's horse and bust a gut laughin;. "Hey Delmonico, you frogs like horse meat. You gonna grind that up like that hog meat and try to pass it off as beef hash?
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20 mule team! ;D ;D I can hear the trumpet playing the theme now! heh heh heh Never thunk it would be fer a food wagon, but thats better than trying to chew soap!
Brazos puts his mouth under the spicket and takes a few swallows, well maybe a few gulps! Hey Delmonico I diidn't know Whiskey had suds?! Whew, think I better go visit the Chic Sale!
Brazos runs off grabbin the Sears Catolog!
BB
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Sorry Brazos, the last owners musta got borax in the water tank. Now that we got more room in the chuckwagon(s) I'll get some of that new-fangled crapping paper on a roll next time someone's in town.
The der rebel Sarge done needs a history lesson, the original Delmonico was of Swiss desent, not French. I might put mater's on yer steak or serve ya cheese with holes in it but I wouln never serve snail wit gravy on them. :P
(Delmonico mutters something bout how the south lost, cause they must not of had no good Sergeants as he heads back ta the wagon.) ???
Besides that wer burnin' daylight, where be that wagon boss, I've been up since daylight, made omelets fer the whole crew. Gopher Grease go see if ya can find Slim, just be careful that brothel wagon al' give ya the glip. Ask Sarge, Trinity and The Drifter, the Drifter's been standin' in the creek fer 2 days, well at least he's been quiet and ain't caused no trouble. ;D
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Slim drives into camp with 3 span of mules and a wagon loaded with anchovies, new-fangled crapping paper, Eytallian sausage, pepperoni, some of the Eyetallian have that begains with a P but Delmonico can't pronouce or spell, Borax, cheese, mutton for Sarge ;D , white and yellow corn meal, pork and beans, apples, pomagranites, etc. "Delmonico, here is another wagon with bunch of supplies for ya." "Now, can will get out of camp and round up some beeves? My branding iron is getting rusty." ;D
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"Drifter, get outta that creek and put some pants on. Two days is long enough soaking." :P
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Delmonico says, "The reason yer brandin' iron rusted is cause Trinity peed on it." When Gopher Grease gets back he can pronounce and spell the ham, he used ta work in a Seecilliiaan resteraunt. ;D
Since Gopher Grease is out lookin fer you I'll make Looonch, since this whole crew is being childish, I'll make spagettiii-OOO's and tator tots.
Besides that it'll give that rebel Sarge somethin' else ta whine about. :'(
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;D ;D ;D He ain't a soakin' he be a healin' ;D You know those chickin' heads live longer in water and one attached itself to his (never you mind)! :-\
Brazos come a walkin back a little slow from the chic sale and tries mounting his horse for a days work gatherin' the beevies fer Slim to brand. Its goina be a long, long day thinks Brazos. :-[ Yes indeedy, a long day. Brazos says "Delmonico, you have some good grub fer tonights meal, 'cause I'm goina be powerful hungrey come sundown."
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"Why in tarnation would Trinity pee on my branding iron?" >:( "Trinity, come here! I'll teach ya fer peeing on my branding iron!"
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That's why I fixed them what I did fer lunch, they all are behavin' like children. Course I ain't gonna eat this junk fer lunch. I'm gonna go upstairs to my real kitchen and have canned corned beef and cheddar cheese on sourdough rye bread fer lunch.
After that I'll come back and help ya deal with this bunch after looonch. Bout time fer yers too Slim, what is being served in Wisyconsssooon today?
-
I'z is having Colby cheese (originally made in Colby, WI) and summer sausage between slices of home ground whole wheat bread. ;D
Slim
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Delmonico comes back from upstairs and lunch and says, "I'm back seen that show on the History Channel several times, but it was a fine lunch."
Slim I'll help ya here, I'll teach Trinty ta pee on yer brandin' irun. :P
Laying the brandin' irun on the ground, Delmonico unbuttons his fly and says, "Ya only got the brandin' end, here get it clear up on the handle. All that whiskey ya been drinkin' has dehydrated ya, drink more water and coffee. Besides that the acid in the coffee rusts the metal better." :o ;D :D :P
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::) "It's hard to find good help nowadays." :( "I am gonna go round up some beeves." Slim jumps on his horse and rides toward the horizon. He yells over his shoulder, "Del, make sure ya got a good bed a of hot coals by the time I get back 'cuz I'ma gonna brand somethings. And it might be more than beeves."
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Laughing Delmonico says, thats what the Marshall tolt me, any fool wagon boss would build a fire near the cattle that needed brandin'.
Besides that the "Rules of the Range" say the cook can shoot anyone who puts a brandin iron in the cook fire. See it hear on page 46. Section 5 Paragraph 4 "The cook can kill anyone spittin' or puttin' a brandin' iron in the cook fire." Paragraph 5 says "Anyone peeing in the cook fire should be shot, hung, burned and drawn and quartered."
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"Why didn't anyone show me this 'Rules of the Range' book? I guess it wouldn'ta helped since I can't read nohow." :-[ Slim rides off to brand the calves, not his calves. >:(
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Delmonico laughs, cause if Slim gets caught with that runnin' irun he'll get caught and his 15 kids will be with out a dad, wait that ain't funny! Why did I make such a comment in a funny story. :-[
Don't make no differench I'll just change Slim's brand ta mine with a lid lifter, been doin' it ta Slim fer years. ;D
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"I heard that. I ain't got no runnin' irun! And, to set things straight, I only gots 4 kids, that I know of." ???
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Ok no runnin' irun but in the story ya gots 15 kids. ;D ;D
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"Okay." ;D
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As Slim rides off ta roundup beeves, Delmonico starts ta think about supper. :)
He also thinks,"Well thats bout the last we'll hear from Slim fer a couple a three days."
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I'z still here 'til 5pm, but our emule server gave up the ghost. :(
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Well thats most likely the last we'll hear from Slim. I think I'll just fry some steaks fer supper, make some biscuits and some gravy. That'l keep the crew from whinin' I hope, specially after what they had fer lunch. ::)
If they don't whine I'll make em some more real cowboy food, I'll make a couple of vinegar pies. Bet most those heatens ain't never heard of them, have ta go ta teachin' more history. ;D ;D
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Sarge yells out "Which one o you sheepherders has the audacity to put mutton in front of me on my plate?" Sarge turns around and shoots another beef. "That oughta hold us a while." Sarge pulls out his Reb cavalry saber and lops off the head of a mangy coyote that was headin' for his beef. "Danged coyote, probably a yankee. I wouldn't have been upset if'n he woulda gone for the mutton but even a starvin' dog won't eat that stuff. The only thing sheep are good for is wool and something for yankees to have sex with. Hey Delmonico, I heard what you said about The South Surrenderin'. taint so, preparer of foo foo meals. I still got my saber, how about you????????? OH, that's right, a sword is a man's weapon, an elegant weapon, of a time long gone. Go back to your chuck wagon and cook that beef before somebody realizes what a lousy cook you are and turns that brandin' iron on you, you Swiss cheese proclaimin' cheese eating Frog."
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Delmonico goes to the chuckwagon mutterin' like only a cook can, somethin' bout a movie called "JUdge Roy Bean." He gets out a Colt Waker that's been converted ta 45-70 and shoots both middle toes of the Seargent. :o
There now you'll walk funny like the guy in dat movie, let that be a lesson, never bring yer bread knife ta a gun fight. Whhile the Sarge is whinin' bout his toes, :'( Delmonico takes his gun an locks it in the Browning gun safe he keeps in the chuckwagon. ::)
Slim comes back fer a few minutes before he leaves fer the weekend and caterizes the Sarges wounds with his rusty brandin irun, the one Trinity and Delmonico peed on. :P
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"Delmonico! Ah dint pee on no brandin arn. Leastwasys don think so.
Say, Sarge, don't kill the next coyote ya sees. Send him over to Bruce's cadaver.
Hey, Delmonico I don' wan' no over cooked steak, make mine warm and red inside!" Trinity thinks to himself about what he just said: Hmmm. Get that mind out of the outhouse, Trinity. Mebbe it's time fer another trip to them laddies trailers.... ;)
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The sarge has been whinning bout real cowboy food, ya all gonna get real cowboy food. And I ani't even gonna have ta work hard ta feed a bunch a unapriceateative cowboys. I had Slim pick up some 'mergency rations and that's what ya all gonna get ta night fer being such a pain!
Right here on the bag, it done say, "Purina Cowboy Chow."
Ya all leave me be, I'm gonna fix me somethin' ta eat, somethin' good, somethin' civleeizzed and ya can either eat yer cowboy chow dry, there is a case of canned cow or wanna ya that thinks ya is good can go milk a longhorn and if ya try don't come whinin' ta me ta be sewing up yer wounds.
"Oh and one other thing", and with that he reaches in ta da chuckwagon and gets a set of leg iruns and clamps them on Trinity and iruns him to a tree. "Don't want ta have ta get Doc again and have ya stand all day in da creek."
"Oh and if'n ya get any ideas in the night just look at da Sarge's toes!" And with that Delmonico gets in the chuckwagon and gets out a roll of the wickedest lookin' barb wire ya ever seen and builds a barrier around his tent, chuckwagon and cookfire.
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"Drifter, get outta that creek and put some pants on. Two days is long enough soaking." :P
....What in the wide-wide world of sports is a goin on here??! In the water fer 2 days....I don't remember nothin..........
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
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....What in the wide-wide world of sports is a goin on here??! In the water fer 2 days....I don't remember nothin..........
Good shootin......
Vern... ;D
You musta found an untainted bottle of Dickel by the river. It's a wonder you didn't pass out and drown. If Ah was complaining about the effects of the cold water, you probably had much more to complain about!!!
Delmonico, if Ah gotta sit here in irons, can Ah at least have a bottle that says XXX on the side??
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No, ya got ta be clear headed in the morning. Slim has went home ta his wife and 15 children fur the weekend, for lack of any better ya got ta be the roundup boss in the mornin." :o
If the Sarge be whinin' bout his feet hurtin' in the mornin' just help him inta the saddle, he don't need no middle toes ta be ropin' cattle. :P
I'm gonna make sourdough griddlecakes in the mornin' if that Reb Sarge don't like that we'll find a diet that'll suit him, I got plenty of canned salmon in the wagon, i'll be salmon loaf fer him, maybe some fried eggplant and nasty cubed Jello, I gots the recipe ta make it rubbery like they make in the Horspital when ya be sick. Woops fergot Jello ain't been invented yet! Tapioca, thats it I rember thats what they feed sick folks instead of Jello and he needs it, he is the sickest of this warped crew, if we ever get this roundup done I'm going buffalo huntin' bet I can make more money with less problems than I have feedin this crew.
Now ya all leave me alone, I'm goin' ta my tent, buildin' a fire in my stove and layin' down on my feather tick and goin' ta sleep. And don't be lookin' fer the wire cutters, I got them in my tent, anybody disturbs my sleep I'm aimin' 6 inches below the belly button, won't need no Doc and his Mercury shots after that.
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Sarge tells everyone to skip the breakfast sausage and coffee in the morning. he proceeds to put his 2 shot off toes into the lard bucket where Delmonico keeps his sausages. He the whizzes in Delmonico's coffee pot, grabs the brandin' iron from slim, heats it in the fire and then sneaks up on that yankee polecat. He waits until Delmonico is using the slit trench and when he squats, Sarge reaches out with the iron and sears a reminder as to why you should never get into a pissin' contest with a half breed Reb that has used up more lives than a dozen cats.
Delmonico screams and whimpers like a whipped pup and everyone comes runnin' over to see what the ruckus was about. They see Delmonico curled up in a ball holding himself and writhing in pain. Sarge looks over and says "At least the sheep'll be safe now." and grabs the lard bucket and hands it to Delmonico. The old cook, still writhing in pain, dips his hand in the lard and smears lard all over his burn. He then finds a sausage in it, and being a good Frenchman at heart, never lets a good sausage go toi waste. He pops it in his mouth and starts chewing.
CRUNCH!!! His teeth crack and he realizes that he just bit into a piece of bone. Extracting the sausage, he was shocked and mortified to find that the sausage was one of the sarge's toes. He screams "TOE JAM" and runs for a cup of coffee to wash his mouth out. A big swig of coffee and Delmonico realizes that something else was awry. He spits the coffee to the ground as the rest of the camp roars in laughter. He looks over to The Sarge and says" I'm in the presense of greatness." The 2 combatants shake hands and Sarge tells Delmonico that he knows of a Irish whore that will make his owie all better but don't worry about drippage in a week or 10 days. Delmonico reluctantly agrees and the two of them ride off on the buckboard to the rolling whorehouse.
Sarge introduces Delmonico to Irish Kate, a fallen wench from County Mayo. She sizes up the cook and tells the sarge that it'll cost an extra 2 yankee greenbacks. Sarge flips her a brand new $20.00 gold piece that he had relieved a Union Army Paymaster of prior to The North's cessation of hostilities toward the Good People Of The Confederacy. Sarge tells Irish Kate that there's another one in it for her if she can make Delmonico's toes curl. She smiles and says "Get that gold piece ready darlin'. Irish Kate kin curl the toes of anyone, expecially a Frenchman.
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Delmonico says, "But I ain't no Frenchman and I ain't a yankee or a reb! But look what I brought, no mercury syringe fer me, if'n ya would have asked I had these in the chuckwagon." :(
And with that Demonico reaches inta the pocket of his trousers and pulls out a period correct lamb intestine condom and says ta the Sarge, "Ya misunderstuid about the sheep, I was trying ta spain it ta ya and save ya the mercury syrige but ya was to drunk ta listen." ::)
Hours latter Delmonico comes out of the wagon and the Irish lady has given him both $20 gold pieces and as he heads back ta camp she hollors, "I'll send word ta ya when I get another $40. ;D
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Delmonico gets back ta camp, no one is around, horses are gone, brandin iruns and ropes are still in the chuckwagon so he knows the crew ain't workin.
"Thats it" he says to himself. "I ain't puttin' up with this no more, roundup boss goin' home fer the weekend, crew drunk rowdy and diseased." "The extra cook is still out looking fer the boss and he went home ta see his wife and 15 kids, might be 16 by now."
"They can just cook fer themselves, bet they still complain about the food."
He then goes ta the chuckwagon and gets a piece of paper, "hope at least one of them can read, that way they can read it ta Slim when he get back."
SLIM AND CREW: I QUIT! I AM GOIN' TA DODGE CITY AND OUTFIT FER BUFFALO HUNTIN'.
IF YA WANT TA COME YA CAN, NO WHORES, NO BOOZE IN HOSTILE COUNTRY!
MEET ME AT RATH'S STORE TOMMOROW EVENIN.
DELMONICO
He then nailed the paper ta the tank of the chuckwagon, letting a stream of cheap booze dribble on the ground. Saddling the largest mule he goes ta the chuckwagon one more time and gets his Sharp's 50-90 with the German 6X scope on it (Zeiss is nice) Carefulling putting in the scabbard he puts a pack saddle on another mule and adds a little grub and his loadin' outfit to the pack.
"I'll just get what else I need in Dodge." With that he heads south ta the Arkansaw river, giggling with the thought that poor ol' Slim will try ta put hot irun ta a 2000 pound buffalo bull when he shows up.
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Slim finds the note and shows it to The Sarge. Sarge says "Danged fool yankee. He'd rather run around with buffalo than whores? And he spilt good swillin' whiskey on the ground. Hell, I'm goin over to the rollin' whorehouse. I hear that Irish Kate has a new strain of cooties that Delmonico's sheep skin was unable to prevent. That extra yankee 20 dollar gold piece was to ensure that she didn't tell him about it. By time he gets to Dodge, his pecker oughta be really twitchin' n' drippin'. He laughed at us when he thought that we had the cooties..............."
tag Slim....
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Brazos sits astride his mouse colored mustang atop the low hill overlooking the chuckwagon and camp. Off in the distance he sees Delmonico and his mules aheaden away from camp. Down below he sees The sarge and Slim standin' near the wagon and he can just make out a growing puddle towards the rear.
"Gall Dang! That ol' Delmonico done emptied the booze out of that tank wagon!" Brazos swears. "Well, I haven't had a drink since I swallowed some of that Broax stuff." Stomach is feelin' pretty good and his head is a lot clearer. "You know, I'm a gonna miss that Delmonico's cookin! But since he's a leavin', I think I'll just mousy on out o' here too. Think I'll head up Wyoming way and give that Country a look see."
Brazos turns that Mustang towards the West. The Mustang gives a half hearted buck and settles into a gentle lope away from camp. Last thing he thinks about makes him crack a grin. "Wonder who ol' Slim will put his brand on next?"
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"Now, just who's gonna unchain me???? Ahm still chained up here where Delmonico left me... WITH NO BOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Say, anyone ever notice that Delmonico whines and complains alot like Strother Martin?" "Are you too related?" Trinity screams out in the hopes that Delmonico might still be able to hear him.
"Dang! Now I gotta figure out how to ge loose..."
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Just then a rider comes into camp at a gallop, he slides off his horse, unlocks Trinity's leg irons, hands him a bottle of whiskey, says " Delmonico said ta tell ya that ya whine more than he does." Jumpin' back on his horse he say's "So long gotta go, don't have time ta talk, gotta get back ta Dodge."
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"Well, I can't even cook a can of beans and I ain't eat'n cold beans, so I had better follow Delmonico to Dodge or I might starve." Slim graps his branding iron, jumps on his horse, and heads for Dodge.
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As Delmonico crosses the South Platte river he aslo passes out of the "South of Dodge" thread and into the "Nuther Story" thread. ;D
As he camps on the north bank fer the night he decides ta take a bath and rinse his clothes. As he removes his shirt hi sees the corked catridge case on the cord round his neck. "Durn he says, I hope them two is smart enough ta carry some strychinine with them in case they get caught by Comanche's. "Oh well you'd think maybe they'd studied enough ta know tha Buffalo Hunters in Comanche territory carried some just in case it was needed. Durn if Trinity finds some honey and gets captured they'll tie him ta an anthill and spread it all over him."
"What is left of Slim we'll be able ta bury in a pork and bean can."
"Oh well they be big boys, I can't babysit them all the time."
(Whisper on, "they see this post and panic, not realizing that there is a company of buffalo solidiers between them and Quana Parkers camp. Whisper off.)
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I don't have any strik... whatever it is called!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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Delmonico rides inta the camp on Hanging Woman Creek, no one is there. He gets his knife and puts it in his saddle bag. Out loud but to no one he says "I think Gopher Grease can track Slim ta the buffalo camp, he leaves sign that is as easy ta follow as rat poop in a sugar bowl." (The late Skeeter Skelton who I stole this from always said rat turds, but I won't.)
"I wonder what happed ta the Drifter, ain't heard from him in several days. The Sarge has been over on TFS and Brazos has been lookin' fer a saloon dress over on the Cowgirls forum so I think those two are just hidin' from us. They just don't know how good a tracker I am."
With that Delmonico turns his mule and heads south ta the other thread, wondering if the Comanche's used all the honey on Trinity or if they left him any for his biscuits.
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Delmonico crosses to the south bank of the South Platte River and into the "South of Dodge" thread. ;D ;D ;D ::) ::) :o :o
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Crossing the South Platte puts Delmonico in this thread, headin' on North he comes ta the old roundup camp from the week before. The 48 mules for the 24 mule team chuckwagon are in the corral. He feeds them and waters them.
Delmonico then heads to the WSW toward Kearney Newbrasskey, by goin' the long way around the thread comes ta the top in a more elegant manner than "BTT.
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Delmonico realizes he is travelin' in the wrong direction and changes his course. All this travelin' around has tired him out so he gets an idea and heads fer Cheynne Wyoming. ;)
At the Union Pacific Depot he puts his mule and gear on the east bound and settles down in the passenger car, ridin' the cushions as they say, will give him a bit of rest before the next adventure. ::)
Just east of Pine Bluffs Wyoming he leaves the Nuther Story thread and enters the Newbrasskey thread. ;D ;D ;D
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Enterin' the thread on the West bound UP, Delmonico gets off in Cheynne. He goes ta the local horse and mule rental place and walks up ta the counter. ::)
The proopryator of the place says ta him: "Ya ain't here ta rent a pig are ya, cause if'n ya are read the sign." Delmonico looks at the sign that say's "WE DON'T RENT PIGS" and simply says no. This keeps the horse and mule renter from havin' ta go inta a long thing bout rentin' pigs. :o :P
Gettin' a mule Delmonico rides toward the camp on Hangin' Woman Creek. "I needed ta feed and water them mules agin anyway, he says to himself and those folks who followed him ta the thread. ::)
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Nose to the ground, the yellow dog catches up to him at the creek. With a "What are you doing, galavanting all over creation??" look, the dog takes up a sit near the mules.
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"Ok, yer here, lets go home."
Delmonico and the Yallar dog ride inta Cheynne late in the afernoon. They return the rental mule and Delmonico buys two tickets on the Eastbound UP. That way the Yaller dog don't have ta ride in the baggage car. ;)
About dusk the train enters Newbrassky and leaves this thread for the Newbrassky thread. ::)