Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 152438 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2430 on: January 06, 2015, 11:10:33 am »
Today's----oh no...

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, "Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"

"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."

"Nope, try again."
 
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
 
"Nope, keep trying."

"You got your nails done."

"Nope, try again."

"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions."

"I'm wearing a gas mask!"

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Today is Tuesday, January 6, the 6th day of the year.  There are 359 days left in the year.

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In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph.

In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state of the Union.

In 1974, year-round daylight saving time began in the U.S. on a trial basis as a fuel-saving measure.

In 1975, the original version of "Wheel of Fortune," hosted by Chuck Woolery and Susan Stafford, premiered on NBC-TV.

In 1994, figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the leg by an assailant at Detroit's Cobo Arena.

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Today----Pollster Louis Harris is 94, Coach Lou Holtz is 78, Former FBI Director Louis Freeh is 65, Singer Kenneth Nixon (The Fabulous Thunderbirds) is 64, Guitarist Malcolm Young is 62 and Actor Rowan Atkinson is 60.

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January 6th is:  Three Kings Day.

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Quip for the day....I first met my wife in the Tunnel of Love.  She was digging it.

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A bit of trivia.......Country singer Martina McBride was born in Sharon, Kansas, and in the early years of her career performed with a local rock band, the Penetrators, in Wichita.

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You know you're in Kansas when you are hiking the Elk River Trail.

___________________________________________

Larryj

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2431 on: January 07, 2015, 09:57:46 am »
Today's-----remember this groaner?,,,,,,

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

(wait for it.....)

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, January 7, the 7th day of the year.  There are 358 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1789, the U.S. held its first presidential election as voters chose electors who, later, selected George Washington.

In 1892, a massive mine explosion left nearly 100 people dead in Krebs, Oklahoma.

In 1894, one of the earliest motion picture experiments took place at the Thomas Edison studio in West Orange, New Jersey, as Fred Ott was filmed taking a pinch of snuff and sneezing.

In 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team traveled 48 miles west from Chicago to play their first game in Hinckley, Illinois.

In 1999, for the second time in history, an impeached American president went on trial before the Senate.  President Bill Clinton faced charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.

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Today--------Singer Kenny Loggins is 67, Singer Juan Gabriel is 65, Actress Erin Gray is 65, Actress Helen Worth is 64 and Actor Sammo Hung is 63.

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January 7th is:  Harlem Globetrotter's Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old.

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A bit of trivia......Explorer Zebulon Pike first coined the name the Flint Hills in 1806 when he entered into his journal "passed very ruff flint hills."

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you are having the signature country steak at Brint's Diner in Wichita.

___________________________________________

Larryj


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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2432 on: January 08, 2015, 10:28:19 am »
Today's---and another one......

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"  "Elation."

"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up..."

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, January 8, the 8th day of the year.  There are 357 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1790, President George Washington delivered his first State of the Union address to Congress in New York.

In 1815, two weeks after the War of 1812 officially ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent, U.S. Gen. Andrew Jackson won the greatest American victory of the war at the Battle of New Orleans.

In 1877, Crazy Horse and his warriors - outnumbered and low on ammunition - fought their last losing battle against the U.S. Cavalry in Montana.

In 1965, the Star of India and other gems stolen from the American Museum of Natural History in New York were recovered from a bus depot locker in Miami.

In 1982, American Telephone and Telegraph settled the Justice Department's antitrust lawsuit against it by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor Larry Storch is 92, Actor Ron Moody is 91, CBS newsman Charles Osgood is 82, Singer Shirley Bassey is 78, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 77, Fashion designer Carolina Herrera is 76, Physicist Stephen Hawking is 73, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 73, Singer Juanita Cowart Motley is 71, Guitarist Robby Krieger (The Doors) is 69 and Singer David Bowie is 68.

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January 8th is:  Argyle Day, Bubble Bath Day, Earth's Rotation Day, National English Toffee Day, Midwife's Day or Women's Day, National Joy Germ Day, Show And Tell At Work Day and War On Poverty Day.

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Quip for the day...And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light, but the electric company said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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A bit of trivia.....Oak Valley was founded in 1879 when a settler built a residence there.

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You know you're in Kansas when you are hiking and canoeing in Fall River State Park.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2433 on: January 09, 2015, 11:14:06 am »
Today's---one of my favorites......

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, January 9, the 9th day of the year.  There are 356 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1793, Frenchman Jean Pierre Blanchard, using a hot-air balloon, flew between Philadelphia and Woodbury, New Jersey.

In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was born in Yorba Linda, CA.

In 1914, the County of Los Angeles opened the country's first public defender's office.

In 1945, Gen. Douglas McArthur and the American 6th Army landed at Luzon, a step in the capture of the Philippine Islands from Japan.

In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.

___________________________________________

Today---Author Judith Krantz is 87, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 81, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 80, Folk singer Joan Baez is 74, Comedian Freddie Starr is 72, Singer Scott Walker (The Walker Brothers) is 72, Guitarist Jimmy Page (Yardbirds and Led Zeppelin) is 71, Singer David Johansen is 65, Singer Crystal Gayle is 64 and Actor J.K. Simmons is 60.

___________________________________________

January 9th is:  Balloon Ascension Day, National Cassoulet Day and National Static Electricity Day.

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Quip for the day......Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

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A bit of trivia.....During World War I, there was a large German population in Kansas that favored neutrality.  They were kept under close watch and forced to buy bonds and were not allowed to speak German in public.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you can enjoy lightning bugs down by the lake.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2434 on: January 10, 2015, 11:14:19 am »
Today's-----and another one.....

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

___________________________________________

Today is Saturday, January 10, the 10th day of the year.  There are 355 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published "Common Sense."

In 1901, a drilling derrick at Spindletop Hill near Beaumont, Texas, produced an enormous gusher of crude oil, signaling the advent of the American oil industry.

In 1920, the League of Nations formally came into being when the Covenant of the League of Nations took effect.

In 1964, Vee-Jay Records released "Introducing .... The Beatles,' an album which ran into immediate legal opposition from Capitol Records, which was about to come out with its own album, "Meet The Beatles!"  (After a court battle, the two companies reached a settlement.)

In 1976, "Convoy," by C.W. McCall, was the #1 song on the pop music charts.

___________________________________________

Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie McCovey is 77, Songwriter Frank Sinatra Jr. is 71, Singer Rod Stewart is 70, Rock singer-musician Donald Fagen (Steeley Dan) is 67, Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 66, Singer Pat Benatar is 62 and Hall-of-Fame race car driver Bobby Rahal is 62.

___________________________________________

January 10th is:  National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Weekends don't pay as well as weekdays, but at least there's football.

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A bit of trivia......The building of the first church in Elk County was begun in the Spring of 1871 at Longton.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you are at the International House Of Pancakes Hall Of Fame in Liberal.

___________________________________________

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2435 on: January 11, 2015, 11:09:42 am »
Today's-------hah.....

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it.

He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA".

___________________________________________

Today is Sunday, January 11, the 11th day of the year.  There are 354 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument.  It became a national park in 1919.

In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automotive Show in New York.

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, California, which made her the first person to fly solo across any part of the Pacific Ocean.

In 1973, the owners of America's 24 major league teams in the American League voted to use a "designated pinch-hitter" that could bat for the pitcher and allow the pitcher to remain in the game.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor Mitchell Ryan is 81, Actress Ghita Norby is 80, Actor Joel Zwick is 73, Country singer Naomi Judd is 69 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Ben Crenshaw is 63.

___________________________________________

January 11th is:  Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day, National Human Trafficking Awareness Day, No Pants Subway Ride Day and Stephen Foster Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Lazy is a very strong word.  I prefer to call it "selective participation."

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......The townsite of Pawnee was designated the first official capitol of the Kansas Territory in 1855 which lasted only five days.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you are visiting the National Teachers Hall of Fame in Emporia.

___________________________________________

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

I came...  I saw...  I had NO idea what was going on...

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2436 on: January 13, 2015, 09:24:13 am »
After much thought I have decided to end my contributions to this thread.  While many read it, and I thank you for that, my lifestyle has changed recently requiring more attention to other endeavors.  I can no longer spend the time posting on this thread. 

Larryj
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Offline Mom70x7

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2437 on: January 13, 2015, 02:27:42 pm »
You will be missed! Thanks for all you've done, however, and many blessings in your future! :laugh:

Offline sixdogsmom

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2438 on: January 13, 2015, 05:52:41 pm »
Thanks Larry for all the laughs and giggles! Blessings to you friend.  :-*
Edie

Offline Catwoman

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2439 on: January 13, 2015, 06:50:08 pm »
I tried to write some witty poem-type thing here but there aren't enough words to thank you for the precious gift you leave us with...The gift of getting to read you.

Much love to you, Larry.  You have been a gem!

Cat

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