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Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 153366 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #680 on: August 19, 2010, 08:27:47 am »
Today's-------------------from the mouths of babes-----again

The telephone rang in the Principal's office at an elementary school.  "Hello," the principal said, "this is Wizard Elementary School, how may I help you?"

"Hi, this is Timmy Jone's father.  Timmy won't be coming to school today and for the rest of the week."

"Oh my!" the principal replies, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Oh nothing serious," the voice says, "It's just that our family is going on a little vacation......I hope that is all right."

"Well, it's kind of unusual, but I suppose it will be okay this time.  May I ask who is calling, again, please?"

"Certainly.  This is my dad."

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In 1909, the first automobile races were held at the just-opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

In 1960, a tribunal in Moscow convicted American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage, two days after his 31st birthday.  (Although sentenced to 10 years imprisonment, Powers was returned to the United States in 1962 as part of a prisoner exchange.)

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Today------------------Actor L.Q Jones is 83, Actress Debra Paget is 77, Rock Musician Ginger Baker (Cream, Blind Faith) is 71, Singer Johnny Nash is 70, Actress Jill St. John is 70, Actor and Former Senator Fred Thompson is 68, Former President Bill Clinton is 64 Tipper Gore, wife of former Vice-President Al Gore is 62 and Actor Gerald McRaney is 62.

______________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #681 on: August 20, 2010, 09:45:25 am »
Today's-----------------leave it to the geeks?

A software engineer, hardware engineer and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.  They were driving down a steep mountain when suddenly the brakes failed.

The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside.

The occupants were unhurt, but they had a problem.  They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know," said the manger, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define our Goals, and of through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we will be on our way.

"No," said the hardware engineer, "I have a better solution.  I have my Swiss Army knife.  I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, repair it, and we'll be on our way."

"Now, wait a minute," the software engineer said, "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if there's a second failure?"

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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.

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Today-----------U.S. Special Envoy George Mitchell is 77, U.S. Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) is 75, Baseball all-star Craig Nettles is 66, Broadcast Journalist Connie Chung is 64 and Actor John Noble is 62.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #682 on: August 21, 2010, 08:43:33 am »
Today's-------------yeah, there you go!

An explorer in the remotest part of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.  Upon surveying the situation, the explorer says quietly to himself, "Oh, God, I'm done for."

Suddenly there is an intense ray of light from the sky above and a booming voice is heard only by him.

"No," the voice says comfortingly, "you are not done for.  Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the fellow with all the fancy headdress standing before you."

The explorer bends down, picks up the stone and mightily whacks the chief upside the head.  The chief drops to one knee, shakes his head and slowly, menacingly rises to his feet, eyes blood-red and glaring.  Spitting out a couple of teeth, he, and the rest of the tribe, move forward toward the explorer.

But once again the explorer sees the ray of light and hears the voice from the sky:

"Oookaaay............NOW you are done for."

________________________________________

In 1858, the first of seven debates between senatorial contenders Abraham Lincoln and Steven Douglas took place.

In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded in Saratoga, NY.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.

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Today--------------Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 78, Singer Kenny Rogers is 72, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 69 and Actress Patty McCormack is 65.

______________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #683 on: August 22, 2010, 08:31:13 am »
Today's------------------it's Sunday

If God texted the Ten Commandments:

1.  no1 b4me, srsly.
2.  dnt wrshp pix/idols
3.  no omg's
4.  no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5.  prnts ok -- ur m&d r cool.
6.  dnt kill ppl
7.  sx only w/ m8
8.  dnt steal
9.  dnt lie
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8.

(that drove the spell checker crazy!)
__________________________________________________

In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River to delegates from the Constitutional Convention.

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Today------Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 76, Rockabilly Singer Dale Hawkins is 74, Baseball Hall-of-famer Carl Yastrzemski is 71, Actress Valerie Harper is 70, Football coach Bill Parcells is 69, Actress Cindy Williams is 63, International Swimming Hall-of-famer Diana Nyad is 61 and Author Ray Bradbury is 90.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline sixdogsmom

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #684 on: August 22, 2010, 08:52:58 am »
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
Edie

Offline Mom70x7

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #685 on: August 22, 2010, 09:34:30 am »
Have a friend that interviewed Ray Bradbury a couple of years ago. He still talks about it - very impressed.

And that texting of the 10 commandments . . . Ugh! I have so much trouble with those abbreviations. I text a little, but almost always spell everything out.

Offline srkruzich

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #686 on: August 22, 2010, 11:43:25 am »
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
He has been working in films.  Babylon5 i think is one of  his productions.
Curb your politician.  We have leash laws you know.

Offline Diane Amberg

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #687 on: August 22, 2010, 12:29:21 pm »
Larry that was great and I'm so proud of myself for being able to read it. I too, loved all the Ray Bradbury stuff, especially the Martian Chronicles. When I was a kid and started losing interest in comic books, science fiction took over. I still have a few of the early paperbacks including Clifford Simak's "City," which cost me all of 25 cents of my allowance money.

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #688 on: August 23, 2010, 08:50:08 am »
Today's--------------------------good salesman

I finally made it to the Orange County Fair and, as usual, was amused by all the sales pitches presented for various household and outside equipment to make our lives so much easier.

One fellow, especially, caught my attention.  He was hawking----excuse me-------------selling mops.  Among the many features was the mop's unbreakable handle.

He was, indeed, impressing the people gathered around as he put the mop through all sorts of torture and stress. 

As a final insult to the mop handle, he took it in both hands, put his foot in the middle of the shaft and bent the indestructible device nearly in half.  It promptly broke in two with a loud crack.

Without any display of emotion, he bravely held up both halves of the "unbreakable" mop for everyone to see and said emphatically, "and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what the inside of an unbreakable mop handle looks like!"

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In 1775, Britain's King George III proclaimed the American colonies in a state of "open and avowed rebellion."

In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New  York at age 31.

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Today-----Actress Vera Miles is 80, Actress Barbara Eden is 76, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgenson is 76, Actor Richard Sanders is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Rayfield Wright is 65, Country Singer Rex Allen Jr. is 63, Singer Linda Thompson is 63, Actress Shelley Long is 61 and Actor-Singer Rick Springfield is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #689 on: August 24, 2010, 09:43:31 am »
Today's----------------this guy is really good-----

Roger, a well known and respected auto mechanic, received a repair order that noted "check for a clunking noise whenever the vehicle is turned."

Roger took the car for a test drive and made a right turn, a left turn, another left turn, a right turn, a left turn followed by another right turn.  Each time he executed such a maneuver, he, indeed, heard a loud "CLUNK."

After returning to the repair shop and "working" for a moment or two, he brought the car to the service manager with the completed repair order which noted, "removed loose bowling ball from trunk."

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In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, making her the first woman to fly solo, non-stop, from coast to coast.

In 1989, Baseball Commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti banned Pete Rose from the game for betting on his own team, the Cincinnati Reds.

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Today-------Actor Kenny Baker (Star Wars) is 76, Composer-Musician Mason Williams is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Marshall Thompson (The Chi-Lites) is 68, Rock musician Ken Hensley is 65 and Actress Anne Archer is 63.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

I came...  I saw...  I had NO idea what was going on...

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