Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 153380 times)

Offline Varmit

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #110 on: August 16, 2009, 08:38:01 am »
Woodstock...hippies... :-X  excuse me while I go puke.
It is high time we eased the drought suffered by the Tree of Liberty. Let us not stand and suffer the bonds of tyranny, nor ignorance, laziness, cowardice. It is better that we die in our cause then to say that we took counsel among these.

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #111 on: August 16, 2009, 10:23:27 am »
Today's-------------------------------------------


A Scotsman who was on a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he found it would cost $50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot, mon," he said to the local travel agent, "In Scotland, it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which the Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder why he walked."

__________________________________________________

Today in history---------------In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

___________________________________________________

You are excused, Billy.

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

I came...  I saw...  I had NO idea what was going on...

dnalexander

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #112 on: August 16, 2009, 06:17:35 pm »
Men Are Just Happier People:

NICKNAMES

1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, go to the gym, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #113 on: August 16, 2009, 08:34:50 pm »
So true, so true.  Thanks, David. :laugh: :laugh:
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #114 on: August 17, 2009, 10:29:10 am »
Today's---------------------------------------------------------------DUH!

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door. 

It's opened by Little Benny who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello, son.  Is your mom or dad at home?"

Little Benny (exhaling a puff of smoke):  "What do you think?"

_____________________________________________________

Today in history---------------------------Pearl Bailey, 72, died of a heart attack 19 years ago (1990).

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

I came...  I saw...  I had NO idea what was going on...

pamsback

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #115 on: August 17, 2009, 11:25:07 am »
 :laugh: :laugh:

This off your topic sort of but the last one reminded me of one of the funnier things that happened to me when I was a young single mother.......My boys were like 6 and 7 and I was babysitting at the time. I had one niece who was also 6 one who was a baby another baby I was taking care of and three others under the age of five...anyway a vacuum cleaner salesman came up to the door one day and I answered it...I had a baby on each hip and the rest of em runnin around playin and he never said a word LOL just turned around and went on down the street! I've been laughin about the look on his face for years !

Offline Varmit

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #116 on: August 17, 2009, 04:19:00 pm »
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'
It is high time we eased the drought suffered by the Tree of Liberty. Let us not stand and suffer the bonds of tyranny, nor ignorance, laziness, cowardice. It is better that we die in our cause then to say that we took counsel among these.

dnalexander

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #117 on: August 17, 2009, 05:41:00 pm »
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'

Billy you ignorant, inbred, imbecile (Just a joke, Billy is not ignorant). That is not a San Francisco couple joke that is the story of an Arkansas couple. ( Sorry Redcliffsw and Flintaqua, I am from Missouri) To make it a San Francisco story you would have to have iincluded, hippiy or gay or liberal or socialist. For those of you that are offended don't get too agitated. Jokes and satire in this vain are meant to illustrate the error of bigoted, racist comments. Except when they involve Arkansas. Sorry if these jokes got too blue or offensive. :police:

David

flintauqua

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #118 on: August 17, 2009, 09:13:42 pm »
Last year Arkansas Legislature passed a resolution that exempts Washington and Benton Counties from "Arkie" jokes, being that more than 50% of the two county's residents are from somewhere else.   ;) ;);D :P

I live in Benton County.  :angel:

Charles

dnalexander

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #119 on: August 17, 2009, 09:16:42 pm »
I always wondered what a Billyvarmit was; who knew it is a Red Foxx. Good one Billy. I have a lot of Red Foxx jokes and San Francisco jokes but I am not sure how blue this room is so I will stop at the last one.  ;D

David