Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 140437 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #20 on: July 06, 2009, 11:56:27 am »
A horse showed up at a baseball training camp and asked for a tryout.  The manager was shocked!  Not only was this a talking horse, but he wanted to play baseball.

He put the horse in the outfield, where the horse caught all the balls hit to him.  In the infield, he always made the right play

When it came time to bat in a game, the horse hit a long line drive between the outfielders, but then the horse just stood at the plate.

"Run!" the manager shouted, "Run!"

The horse turned to the manager and said,

"IF I COULD RUN, I'D BE AT THE RACE TRACK! !!!!!"

Larryj
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Online Dee Gee

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2009, 12:48:25 pm »
Like Mickey Mantle said "Hitting the ball is easy it's running the bases that is hard."
Learn from the mistakes of others You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2009, 09:11:18 am »
Betty Sue recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend that the townsfolk had spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past.

"Lots of new greenery," she said, "And, families are together now."

"All together?"  her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," Betty Sue replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow.  They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things.  But they have redone it now so people are with their children and grandchildren instead of scattered."

The friend was aghast.  "Do you mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"


Oh, mercy, no," was the reply, " they just shifted the headstones."

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2009, 08:56:28 am »
Got a little distracted and missed a day or two.  Good distractions, though.

Wednesdays------------------------

Phyllis and Stan were relating their vacation experiences to a friend.

"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.  "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," Stan said, "we changed our plans because, uh, well........"

"Oh, tell the truth, Stan!" Phyllis cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous.   Stan simply will not ask for directions."

Thursdays----------------------------

One weekend my friend, Carol, a nurse, was looking after her 6-year old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.  Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.  When Carol went in at 5 a.m., she saw something white on his forehead.  Leaning close, she found a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead, "My name is Daniel!"

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #24 on: July 10, 2009, 01:01:19 pm »
Todays-------------------And it made me think of you, Warph!


A husband and wife go to a counselor after 17 years of marriage.  The counselor asks them what the difficulties are, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 17 years they've been married.

She goes on and on.

And on and on.

Suddenly, the counselor springs from his chair, goes around the desk, pulls the woman to her feet, wraps his arms around her in an enthusiastic embrace and kisses her quite passionately.

The woman is spellbound.  She sinks quietly back down in her chair in a daze.  The counselor turns to the husband and say, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week.........can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf!!!!"

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2009, 01:53:35 pm »
An attorney arrived home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

The attorney felt certain his plea to the governor for clemency would be denied, and he was feeling really tired and depressed.  As soon as he got through the door, his wife started in on him:  "Do you realize what time it is?  Where have you been?" and on and on and on.

Trying to ignore her continuing insults, sarcasm, and nasty remarks, he poured himself a strong drink and headed upstairs for a soak in the tub. 

While in his sanctuary, the phone rang and his wife took the call.  His client, indeed, had been issued a stay of execution.  Feeling somewhat badly about how she treated him, she quietly opened the bathroom door and saw her beloved bent over removing his drawers.


Knowing he would be pleased with the news she announced, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"

At that he whirled around and screamed, "For crying' out loud, woman!  Don't you ever let up?"

Larryj
HELP!  I'm talking and I can't shut up!

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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2009, 05:50:21 pm »
HA!  Made you laugh!!! 

Actually, I am just copying them from my local hometown newspaper.  I like them because I like that wry sense of humor. 

I am glad you are enjoying them.

Larryj
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Online Catwoman

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #27 on: July 11, 2009, 08:11:10 pm »
OMIGAWD...Finally...Material I can use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Think yo, think yo, think yo!!!!!! lol

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #28 on: July 12, 2009, 10:14:31 am »
Here is one to share with your pastor this Sunday morning.

Dottie, filling in for a vacationing co-worker at her church, was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.  She had been told the combination, but had misplaced the paper on which she jotted it down.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for his help.  The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.  After the first twirl he paused and stared blankly.

Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.  Then he looked back at the lock and quickly turned the correct sequence of numbers and opened the lock.

Dottie was amazed.  "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"Oh, it really has little to do with my faith," he answered.  "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Larryj
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Offline Jo McDonald

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #29 on: July 12, 2009, 11:30:23 am »
Cowboy Joe visited his first big city church yesterday and last night he was telling his pardners all about it. "When I got there they had me park my ol' truck in the big corral."
 
 
 
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a fellow cowhand who'd been to the big city a bunch.
 

"Yup, I reckon," Joe replied, "and then I walked up the trail to the barn."
 

"The sidewalk to the front door," interprets Charlie.
 

"Inside the barn, I was met by this dude in his Sunday best."
 

"That would be the usher," chirps in Charlie.
 

"Well," Joe says with an eye on Charlie, "that there 'usher' led me down the chute..."
 

"The aisle."
 

"Then he dropped me off at a cushy stall and told me to sit there," Joe says.
 

"Pew."
 

"Yup," replies Cowboy Joe. "That's what the purty lady sittin' next to me
 
in that stall said, too."
 

 
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER....
 THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!