Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 149473 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2420 on: December 27, 2014, 11:52:40 am »
Today's---start of the New Year's jokes.....

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the den to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

"See?" Janet said happily, "You didn't miss a thing!" 

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Today is Saturday, December 27, the 361st day of the year.  There are 4 days left in the year.

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In 1846, a rag-tag army of volunteers known as Doniphan's Thousand won a major victory in the war with Mexico with the occupation of El Paso.

In 1900, prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed up the bar at the Carey Hotel in Wichita which caused  thousands of dollars in damages and landed her in jail.

In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall first opened.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered his secretary of war to seize properties belonging to the Montgomery Ward Company because the company refused to comply with a labor agreement.

In 1945, 28 nations signed an agreement creating the World Bank.

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Today-----Actor John Amos is 75, ABC News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 71, Rock musician Mick Jones (Foreigner) is 70, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 66 and Musician David Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 62.

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December 27th is:  Howdy Doody Day and Visit The Zoo Day.

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Quip for the day.....Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late for New Year's Eve.  Middle Age is when you are forced to stay up.  Old age is when you can't and you don't care.

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A bit of trivia.....Grenola had its start in 1879 by the building of the railroad through that territory. At that time the two rival cities of Greenfield and Canola, which were three miles apart, relocated to the site of the railroad and merged.  Grenola is a combination of the names of the two former towns.

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You know you're in Kansas when a fire in a farmer's field is intentional.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2421 on: December 28, 2014, 10:52:01 am »
Today's----another.....

Two girlfriends were talking at a New Year's Eve party. The talk got around to what their resolutions would be.

"I'm going to start a diet to get rid of all of these extra pounds I put on over the holidays," Kim said.

"Good!" Katrina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" Kim replied. "I'll ride with you."

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Today is Sunday, December 28, the 362nd day of the year.  There are 3 days left in the year.

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In 1832, citing political differences with President Andrew Jackson and a desire to fill a vacant Senate seat in South Carolina, John C. Calhoun became the first Vice President to resign the office.

In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the Union.

In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 1973, the Endangered Species Act was signed into law by President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today-----Comic book creator Stan Lee is 92, Actor Martin Milner is 83, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 82, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 80, Actor Don Francisco is 74, Actor Denzel Washington is 60 and Talk show host Gayle King is 60.

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December 28th is:  Holy Innocents Day, Endangered Species Act Day, National Chocolate Day (28-29) and Pledge of Allegiance Day.

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Quip for the day.......You smile, I smile.  You cry, I cry.  You hurt, I hurt.  You jump off bridge. I'm gonna miss your e-mails.

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A bit of trivia......Longton was founded in 1870, named after Longton, England.

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You know you're in Kansas when you can really enjoy a full moon rising over an open field.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2422 on: December 29, 2014, 10:40:03 am »
Today's---not a new year's joke....

One day, a gunslinger rode into town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors.

After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the gunslinger went in. "Whiskey." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody, "I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"

The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy, ”What did you do in Texas?"

The Cowboy replied," Well, I walked home."

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Today is Monday, December 29, the 363rd day of the year.  There are 2 days left in the year.

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In 1808, future President Andrew Johnson was born in Raleigh, North Carolina.

In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state.

In 1876, a bridge in Ashtabula, Ohio, collapsed causing a train to fall into a gorge killing 80 passengers.

In 1890, the Wounded Knee Massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops.

In 1957, singer Pat Boone earned his second #1 hit with "April Love."

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Today-----Actress Dina Merrill is 91, Actor Bernard Cribbins is 86, Actress Inga Swenson is 82, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 78, Actor Jon Voight is 76, Jockey Lafitte Pincay is 68, Singer Marianne Faithful is 68, Actor Ted Danson is 67 and Author Joe Vitale Is 61.

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December 29th is:  Tick Tock Day.

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Quip for the day......I can't believe it has been a whole year since I didn't become a better person.

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A bit of trivia....The Benson Museum began as the Elk County Historical Society  in 1979, but was renamed after receiving a major gift from the late Edith Benson.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see Swedish art and culture in Lindsborg.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2423 on: December 30, 2014, 10:53:30 am »
Today's-----something to keep in mind for tomorrow night......

Warning labels that should be on alcoholic drinks.....

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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Today is Tuesday, December 30, the 364th day of the year.  There is 1 day left in the year.

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In 1853, the U.S. Minister to Mexico James Gadsden and Gen. Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana singed the Gadsden Purchase establishing the southern boundary of the U.S. border.

In 1862, the ironclad U.S.S. Monitor sank off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, in a storm.

In 1936, in one of the first sit-down strikes in the U.S., autoworkers occupied the General Motors Fisher Body Plant in Flint, Michigan.

In 2013, six states were named by federal officials to develop test sites for drones:  Alaska, Nevada, New York, North Dakota, Texas and Virginia.

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Today---Actor Russ Tamblyn is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 79, TV director James Burrows is 74, Singer Michael Nesmith (The Monkees) is 72, Singer Patti Smith is 68, Singer Jeff Lynne (Electric Light Orchestra) is 67, Actor Michael Burns is 67 and TV personality Meredith Viera is 61.

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December 30th is:  Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.

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Quip for the day.......Dear God:  My prayer for the new year is for a fat bank account and a thin body.  Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

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A bit of trivia.....Severy was originally called Gould.  When the railroad was built nearby the name Severy was adopted in honor of Luther Severy, a railroad employee.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see a thicket of Choke Cherries.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2424 on: December 31, 2014, 10:57:04 am »
Today's-------need some resolutions?....

1. I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
2. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
3. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
4. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
5. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
6. I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."
7. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.
8. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSpreader
9. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSlurry
10. I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

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Today is Wednesday, December 31, the 365th day of the year.  There are no more days left in the year.

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In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, New Jersey.

In 1904, New York's Times Square saw its first New Year's Eve celebration, with an estimated 200,000 in attendance.

In 1951, the Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

In 1972, baseball player Roberto Clemente was killed in an airplane crash while delivering relief supplies to Nicaragua.

In 1974, private U.S. citizens were allowed to buy and own gold for the first time in over 40 years.

In 1985, teen idol Rick Nelson died in a plane crash near De Kalb, Texas.

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Today---Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 77, Actress Sarah Miles is 73, Rock musician Andy Summers (The Police) is 72, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 71, Fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg is 68, Actor Tim Matheson is 67, Singer Burton Cummings (The Guess Who) is 67 and Actor James Remar is 61.

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December 31st is:  New Years Eve, Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour Of Peace Day and World Peace Meditation Day.

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Quip for the day....I will start driving more carefully.  People are started to notice the dents in my car.

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A bit of trivia.......Chanute is a combination of four towns consolidated in 1872 and named in honor of Octave Chanute, a railroad engineer.

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You know You're in Kansas when you are at the Dalton Defenders Museum in Coffeeville.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2425 on: January 01, 2015, 02:52:40 pm »
Today's----some thoughts for the new year...

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

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Today is Thursday, January 1, the 1st day of the year.  There are 364 days left in the year.

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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."

In 1863, a farmer named Daniel Freeman submitted the first claim under the new Homestead Act for a property near Beatrice, Nebraska.

In 1913, the U.S. Parcel Post system went into operation.

In 1935, the Associated Press inaugurated Wirephoto, the firs successful service for transmitting photographs by wire to member newspapers.

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Today----Actor Frank Langella is 77, Actor Rick Hurst is 69 and Country singer Steve Ripley is 65.

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January 1st is:  Copyright Law Day, Commitment Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, First Foot Day, Global Family Day, Mummer's Parade, New Years Day, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge, Rose Bowl Game, Saint Basil's Day, Tournament Of Roses Parade and Z Day.

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Quip for the day......the only resolution I have ever made and kept was when I resolved not to make any more resolutions.

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A bit of trivia......Less than 10% of people who make resolutions will be successful.

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You know you're in Kansas when you have to insulate your water pipes in winter.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!


___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2426 on: January 02, 2015, 11:55:15 am »
Today's------groaner....

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

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Today is Friday, January 2, the 2nd day of the year.  There are 363 days left in the year.

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In 1788, Georgia voted to ratify the U.S. Constitution becoming the fourth state.

In 1893, the U.S. Postal Service issued its first commemorative stamp to honor the World's Columbian Expedition and the quadricentennial of Christopher Columbus' voyage.

In 1921, religious services were broadcast on radio for the first time as KDKA in Pittsburg aired the regular Sunday service of the city's Calvary Episcopal Church.

In 1923, Albert Fall, the Secretary of the Interior, resigned in response to public outrage over the Teapot Dome Scandal.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55-mph as a way of conserving gasoline.

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Today----Football player Gino Marchetti is 88, Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert is 73, Football player Calvin Hill is 68 and TV host Jack Hanna is 68.

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January 2nd is:  55-mph Speed Limit Day, Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation And Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day, National Science Fiction Day and Pet Travel And Safety Day.

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Quip for the day.....Nothing says "I mean business!" like using a shopping cart at the liquor store.

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A bit of trivia......Mulvane, Kansas, was laid out in 1879 at the junction of five Santa Fe Railroad lines.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see the rocks at Minneapolis, Kansas.

___________________________________________

Larryj


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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2427 on: January 03, 2015, 11:29:34 am »
Today's------hah......

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

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Today is Saturday, January 3, the 3rd day of the year.  There are 362 days left in the year.

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In 1938, the March Of Dimes campaign to fight polio was established by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who himself had been afflicted with the crippling disease.

In 1959, Alaska became the 49th state of the Union.

In 1952, the TV show "Dragnet", starring Jack Webb as Sgt. Joe Friday, debuted on NBC.

In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower announced that the United States had terminated diplomatic relations with Cuba, after the Havana government said it was limiting the number of U.S. Embassy and Consulate personnel allowed in the country.

In 1967, Jack Ruby, who killed alleged assassin of John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, died from cancer in a Dallas hospital.

In 1987, Singer Aretha Franklin became the first woman to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

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Today-----Music producer George Martin is 89, Actor Robert Loggia is 85, Actor Dabney Coleman is 83, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Hull is 76, Musician Stephen Stills (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 70, Rock musician John Paul Jones is 69 and Actress Victoria Principal is 65.

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January 3rd is:  Drinking Straw Day, Fruitcake Toss Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.

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Quip for the day.....The problem with doing nothing is that you can't stop to rest.

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A bit of trivia.....Kansas was the first state to pave all of its 13.2 mile portion of U.S. Route 66.

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You know you're in Kansas when you are having a home made root beer at the Nu-Way Restaurant in Wichita.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2428 on: January 04, 2015, 11:49:08 am »
Today's-------golden oldie......

There was this man whose last name was Odd.......His first two initials were I.M.

He never changed his name due to his business and personal relationships.  Over the years he endured many jokes about his name.  At the end of his life he decided that his gravestone would be left blank so people would not mention his name even after his death.

Now when people walk through the cemetery they see a blank stone and they say, "That's odd."

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Today is Sunday, January 4, the 4th day of the year.  There are 361 days left in the year.

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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.

In 1847, Samuel Colt won a contract to provide the U.S. government with 1,000 of his .44 caliber revolvers.

In 1896, Utah became the 45th state of the Union.

In 1904, the Supreme Court, in Gonzalez v. Williams, ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the U.S. freely, but the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens.  (Puerto Ricans gained U.S. citizenship in 1917.)

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.

In 1964, Bobby Vinton's hit "There I said it again" was number 1 on the Billboard Charts.

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Today-----Actress Barbara Rush is 88, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 85, Actress Dyan Cannon is 78, Opera singer Grace Bumbry is 78, Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 72 and Fashion Designer Tina Knowles is 61.

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January 4th is:  Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.

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Quip for the day...You're getting old when you light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

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A bit of trivia.....Elgin, in Chautauqua County, was founded in 1869.  The Post Office was discontinued in 1976.

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You know you're in Kansas when that light you see across the field is a farmer working in his field at night, not a UFO.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2429 on: January 05, 2015, 11:12:51 am »
Today's----good one......

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other beings somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”

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Today is Monday, January 5, the 5th day of the year.  There are 360 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1643, in the first record of a legal divorce in the American colonies, Anne Clarke was granted a divorce from her absent and adulterous husband, Denis Clarke.

In 1905, the National Association of Audubon Societies for the Protection of Wild Birds and Animals was incorporated.

In 1914, Henry Ford announced he was going to pay workers $5 for an 8-hour day, as opposed to $2.34 for a 9-hour day.

In 1920, the New York Yankees baseball club announced the purchase of George Herman "Babe" Ruth from the Boston Red Sox for $125,000.

In 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco which was finished four years later.

In 1998, Sonny Bono, singer and later politician, was killed in a skiing accident in Lake Tahoe, California.

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Today------Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 87, Actor Robert Duvall is 84, Talk show host Charlie Rose is 73, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 69, Actor Ted Lange is 67 and Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 62.

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January 5th is:  Bird Day, Blue Monday, National Weigh-In Day, Divorce Monday and "Thank God It's Monday."

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....Just once I would like to wake up, turn on the news and hear...."Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

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A bit of trivia...K-99 runs 233 miles from Nebraska to Oklahoma.  It was originally K-11.

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You know you're in Kansas when you are at the state's oldest swinging footbridge over Wildcat Creek.

___________________________________________

Larryj
___________________________________________
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