Author Topic: another slice of wry  (Read 150930 times)

Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2410 on: December 17, 2014, 10:47:27 am »
Today's---funny......

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

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Today is Wednesday, December 17, the 351st day of the year.  There are 14 days left in the year.

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In 1777, France recognized American independence.

In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

In 1944, the U.S. War Department announced it was ending its policy of excluding people of Japanese ancestry from the West Coast.

In 1975, a federal jury in Sacramento, California, sentenced Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme to life in prison for the attempted assassination of President Gerald R. Ford.

In 1989, the animated TV series "The Simpsons" premiered on Fox with a Christmas episode.

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Today-----Singer-actor Tommy Steele is 78, Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 77, Actor Bernard Hill is 70, Political commentator Chris Mathews is 69, Author Jacqueline Wilson is 69, Actor Ernie Hudson is 69, Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 68, Singer Paul Rodgers is 65 and Actor Bill Pullman is 61.

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December 17th is:  Wright Brothers Day.

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Quip for the day......DO NOT DISTURB!  I'm disturbed enough already.

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A bit of trivia......Longton, Kansas, was originally named Elk Rapids, but was renamed after a village in England to avoid confusion with nearby Elk Falls and Elk City.

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You know you're in Kansas when you can rarely find vegetarian specials on any diner's menu.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2411 on: December 18, 2014, 11:07:00 am »
Today's-----punny groaner.........

A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.

The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"

The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."

"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."

"Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"

"Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"

(There's no place like home for the holidays.)

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Today is Thursday, December 18, the 352nd day of the year.  There are 13 days left in the year.

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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1888, while searching for stray cattle in Southwest Colorado, Richard Wetherill stumbled upon the magnificent Indian ruins of Mesa Verde.

In 1892, Tchaikovsky's ballet "The Nutcracker" publically premiered in St. Petersburg, Russia.

In 1961, the Tokens earned a #1 hit with "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

In 1972, the U.S. began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.

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Today----Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark is 87, Actor Roger Smith is 82, Actor Roger Mosley is 76, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards (The Rolling Stones) is 71, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 68, Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 64 and Actor Ray Liotta is 60.

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December 18th is:  Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day, Arabic Language Day, Free Shipping Day, International Migrants Day and National Re-gifting Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you can read, thank a teacher.  If you can read in English, thank a Marine.

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A bit of trivia..........The first drug store in Howard was started by Dr. Frank Bersheidt.  It was located on the west side of Wabash Avenue.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see red-tail hawks flying over the Flint Hills.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2412 on: December 19, 2014, 12:44:22 pm »
Today's-------Christmas groaner.....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

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Today is Friday, December 19, the 353rd day of the year.  There are 12 days left in the year.

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In 1732, Benjamin Franklin first published Poor Richard's Almanack.

In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, to camp for the winter.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.

In 1907, a mine explosion in Jacob's Creek, Pennsylvania, killed 239 workers.

In 1917, four teams of the newly formed National Hockey League played in the league's first two games.

In 1950, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower was named commander of the military forces of NATO.

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Today---Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 94, Actress Cicely Tyson is 81, Baseball player Al Kaline is 80, Singer Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 73, Actor Tim Reid is 70 and Country singer Janie Fricke  is 67.

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December 19th is:  Underdog Day.

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Quip for the day.....I read about the evils of drinking.....so I gave up reading. W.C. Fields

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A bit of trivia.......In 2000, the reported population of Painterhood Township was 68.

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You know you're in Kansas when "down south" means Oklahoma.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2413 on: December 20, 2014, 09:37:27 am »
Today's---funny.....

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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Today is Saturday, December 20, the 354th day of the year.  There are 11 days left in the year.

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In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.

in 1957, Elvis Presley received his draft notice.

In 1963,  the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for the holidays.

In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.

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Today-----Actor John Hillerman is 82, Rock musician Peter Criss (KISS) is 69, Producer Dick Wolf is 68, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 66, Actress Jennifer Agutter is 62 and Author Sandra Cisneros is 60.

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December 20th is:  International Human Solidarity Day, Games Day, Mudd Day, National Sangria Day and World Day Of Prayer And Action For Children.

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Quip for the day.........You know you are older when your knees buckle and your belt won't.

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A bit of trivia....The first Post Office in Moline was established in 1879.

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You know you're in Kansas when you can get a Bionic Burger in Wichita.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2414 on: December 21, 2014, 10:56:44 am »
Today's-----an old favorite.....

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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Today is Sunday, December 21, the 355th day of the year.  There are 10 days left in the year.

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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Union forces led by Maj. Gen. William T. Sherman concluded their "March to the Sea," which had begun in Atlanta on Nov. 15 and ended with the capture of Savannah, Georgia.

In 1866, Indians in Northern Wyoming lured Lt. Col. William Fettering and 80 soldiers into an ambush of which there were no survivors.

In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

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Today----Talk show host Phil Donahue is 79, Actress Jane Fonda is 77, TV show host Barry Gordon is 66, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 66, Singer Betty Wright is 61 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Chris Evert is 60.

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December 21st is:  Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefathers Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons' Remembrance Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day, World Peace Day and Winter Solstice.

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Quip for the day.....Christmas is the time when everybody wants their past forgotten and their presents remembered.

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A bit of trivia......The land for the Howard (Polk Daniels) City Lake was purchased in 1934 and construction was completed in 1936 by the WPA and CCC.

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You know you're in Kansas when those strange lights you see at night is a farmer working late in his field....
not a UFO.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2415 on: December 22, 2014, 11:40:44 am »
Today's----short one.....

A husband asks: "Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?"

Wife: "For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown!"

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Today is Monday, December 22, the 336th day of the year.  There are 9 more days left in the year.

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In 1778, the Continental Congress created a Continental Navy naming Esek Hopkins, Esq., as Commander-in-Chief of the fleet.

In 1884, a central player in the Lincoln County War of 1878-1881, cattleman John Chisum died in Eureka Springs, Arkansas.

In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.

In 2001, Richard C. Reid, a passenger on a flight to Miami, tried to ignite explosives in his shoes, but was subdued by flight attendants and fellow passengers.

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Today---Actress Elizabeth Hubbard is 81, Basketball player Tom Hawkins is 78, Actor Hector Elizondo is 78, Baseball player Steve Carlton is 70, Former ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 69, Guitarist Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) is 68, Talk show host Noel Edmonds is 66, Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 66, Actor Graham Beckel is 65 and Actress Bern Nadette Stanis is 61.

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December 22nd is:  National Haiku Poetry Day.

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Quip for the day....from a friend......My train of thought left the station and I wasn't on it.

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A bit of trivia......Prefabricated Valentine's Diners were manufactured in Wichita from the late 1930s into the mid 1970s.

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You know you're in Kansas when you visit the Old Cowtown Museum in Wichita.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2416 on: December 23, 2014, 11:12:42 am »
Today's----politically correct......

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Period Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

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Today is Tuesday, December 23, the 337th day of the year.  There are 8 more days left in the year.

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In 1783, following the signing of the Treaty of Paris, Gen. George Washington resigned as the commander in chief of the Continental Army.

In 1913, the Federal Reserve System was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act.

In 1954, the first successful human kidney transplant took place at the Peter Bent Brigham Hospital in Boston as a surgical team removed a kidney from a man and transplanted it into his twin brother.

In 1968, the crew and captain of the intelligence gathering ship Pueblo were released after 11 months imprisonment by North Korea.

In 1982, the Missouri Department of Health and the Center For Disease Control informed residents of Times Beach, Missouri, that their town was contaminated by the chemical Dioxin and that the town would have to be evacuated and demolished.

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Today----Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 79, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 71, Actress Susan Lucci is 68, Football player Jack Ham is 66 and Guitarist Anthony Phillips (Genesis) is 63.

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December 23rd is:  Human Light Celebration.

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Quip for the day...."what to my wondering eyes should appear.....but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs and rear."

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A bit of trivia.....In the early days of Elk County, it is said that Probate Judge A.P. Searcy carried papers in his hat and was prepared to perform weddings wherever he was, any time day or night.

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You know you're in Kansas when you can drive your car onto a concrete slab in a river and wash it.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2417 on: December 24, 2014, 11:41:00 am »
Today's---hah.....

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…' He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…' He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…'

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Today is Wednesday, December 24, the 358th day of the year.  There are 7 days left in the year.

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In 1814, the Treaty of Peace and Amity between His Britannic Majesty and the United States was signed at Ghent, Belgium, ending the War of 1812.

In 1851, fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroying about 35,000 volumes.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces in Europe as part of Operation Overlord.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis.

In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon, Vietnam.

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Today-----Author Mary Higgins Clark is 87, Comedian Barry Chuckle is 70 and Bassist Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) is 69.

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December 24th is:  Egg Nog Day and Christmas Eve.

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Quip for the day.....Anyone who believes that men are equal to women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

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A bit of trivia.......A post office was opened in Fiat in Paw Paw Township in 1882 and closed in 1898.

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You know you're in Kansas when you get to Grandma's house for Christmas.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2418 on: December 25, 2014, 10:44:04 am »
Today's---I always liked this one.........

One day the tribal elders in the Indian village asked the chief if it was going to be a cold winter.  The chief consulted with the tribal medicine man, but the medicine man could not give him an answer.  So the chief decided to do the modern thing and called the National Weather Service.  He asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?"  The NWS assured him that it was indeed going to be a cold winter.  So the chief went to his people and told them to gather lots of firewood.

A few weeks later, he called the NWS again and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?"  They assured him that it was going to be a very cold winter.  So he told his people to gather more firewood.

A few weeks later, he called the NWS again and asked the same question and was told that it was going to be the coldest winter in a long time.  The chief asked them how they knew it was going to be so cold.  Their answer:

"Because the Indians are gathering tons of firewood."

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Today is Thursday, December 25, the 359th day of the year.  There are 6 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, New Jersey.

In 1941, "White Christmas," composed by Irving Berlin, had its world premiere on Bing Crosby's weekly radio program, The Kraft Music Hall.

In 1962, "To Kill A Mockingbird" opened in theaters.

In 1991, Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev went on television to announce his resignation as the eighth and final leader of a communist superpower that had already gone out of existence.

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Today----Author Anne Rolphe is 79, Actress Hanna Schygulla is 71, Actor Gary Sandy is 69, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 68, Football player Larry Csonka is 68, Country singer Barbara Mandrell is 66, Bassist Ron Foos (Paul Revere And The Raiders) is 65, Actress Sissy Spacek is 65, Actress CCH Pounder is 62 and Singer Annie Lennox is 60.

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December 25th is:  Christmas Pudding Day and Christmas.

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Quip for the day......One of the biggest messes is the one in the living room on Christmas Day.

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A bit of trivia....In Busby, Kansas, the post office was located in Sprague's General Store until it closed in 1906.  After that the Rural Free Delivery (RFD) took over the mail which was delivered from Howard.

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You know you're in Kansas when the opening day of Pheasant season is a state holiday.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Larryj
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Offline larryJ

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Re: another slice of wry
« Reply #2419 on: December 26, 2014, 11:24:40 am »
Today's----uh oh......

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

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Today is Friday, December 26, the 360th day of the year.  There are 5 days left in the year.

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In 1799, former President George Washington was eulogized by Col. Henry Lee as "first in war, first in peace and first in the hearts of his countrymen."

In 1933, Nissan Motor Co. was founded in Yokohama, Japan, as the Automobile Manufacturing Co.

In 1966, Kwanzaa was first celebrated.

In 1972, former President Harry S. Truman died in Independence, Missouri.

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Today----Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on TV's "Sesame Street") is 81, Record producer Phil Spector is 75, "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 69, Baseball player Carlton Fisk is 67, Journalist Candy Crowley is 66 and Baseball player Ozzie Smith is 60.

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December 26th is:  National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-you Note Day and National Whiner's Day.

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Quip for the day......The New Year will be the same as the old one if you keep on doing the same old things.

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A bit of trivia....The Ames Chevrolet Dealership, which was located in Moline and closed due to a fire, was considered the oldest continuously operating family owned Chevrolet dealership in the United States.

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You know you're in Kansas if you know what a Skunker is and that it is manufactured in Kansas.

___________________________________________

Larryj
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