Author Topic: You Make Me Laugh  (Read 36620 times)

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #330 on: September 07, 2009, 07:40:47 am »
Monday, September 7, 2009
 
 
ATM Correction

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.

Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

 
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #331 on: September 08, 2009, 07:40:52 am »
Tuesday, September 8
 
 
Civil War Re-enactment

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.

That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"

`
 
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!


Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #332 on: September 09, 2009, 09:00:02 am »
Wednesday, September 9, 2009   
 
 
Car Cow Sale

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........
BASIC COW...............................$500.00
Two tone exterior..........................$45.00
Extra stomach...............................$75.00
Product storing equipment..........$60.00
Straw compartment....................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00
Leather upholstery......................$125.00
Dual horns.....................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

`
 
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #333 on: September 10, 2009, 08:36:39 am »

 
Pink Humvees

Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began. One renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker: "Ask me about Mary Kay."

`
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #334 on: September 11, 2009, 08:00:31 am »

 
Potato Problem

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"

`
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #335 on: September 12, 2009, 08:29:26 am »
Noah's Camels
Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."

`
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #336 on: September 14, 2009, 07:48:07 am »
Monday, September 14, 2009   
 
 
Soft Seven

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

`
 
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #337 on: September 15, 2009, 08:04:43 am »

 
Wedding Blessing

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests

`
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #338 on: September 16, 2009, 07:34:41 am »

 
Happy Songs

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

`
 
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!

Offline Judy Harder

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Re: You Make Me Laugh
« Reply #339 on: September 17, 2009, 08:12:36 am »

 
Location Question

Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.

"Is that in Arabia?"

"The Caribbean."

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."

`
 
Today, I want to make a difference.
Here I am Lord, use me!