Elk County Forum

General Category => Miscellaneous => Topic started by: larryJ on June 24, 2009, 05:10:34 pm

Title: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 24, 2009, 05:10:34 pm
A  man walks into a Hallmark store and begins looking at anniversary cards.  After about 45 minutes the clerk was concerned and went over and asked the man if there was a problem.  The man replied, "I have been through everyone of these anniversary cards and I can't find one that my wife will believe."  ;)

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on June 24, 2009, 06:14:27 pm
Imagine that..............................................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on June 24, 2009, 06:39:00 pm
Larry, you are indeed in a heap o' trouble, my friend! LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 25, 2009, 06:10:39 pm
I don't feel threatened.  Anyway here is another one.

The man had died.  A wonderful funeral was in progress and the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased; what an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he had been and on and on.

The widow , meanwhile, was ever so slightly shaking her head, as she intently listened to the preacher's words.

Finally, the new widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Erica, honey, go on up there and take a peek in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 26, 2009, 10:20:26 am
I think I will make this a daily thing.  Anyway, here is todays.

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women.  I'll never find them here, so I'm leaving.  Don't try and stop me."

With that, he headed toward the door.  His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? Don't try and stop me!"

"Stop you? Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.  "I want to go with you."


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on June 26, 2009, 10:37:13 am
Whenever my students try to con me with the old, "my parents are so boring" routine, I always respond, "Previous to having you, your parents were individuals who led fun lives...They only got boring after having you."
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 26, 2009, 03:18:08 pm
Cat, it might be fun to ask the student why they thought their parents were so boring.  Do the parents not spend time with them or are the parents not interested in the students daily lives, etc?  Or, is this just something to say maybe to attract attention.  Also, maybe ask the student if they are doing anything with their parent to change their boring ways.  What a fun project for a philosophy class!

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on June 26, 2009, 05:23:35 pm
Sounds to me like the basis for a Psych doctoral dissertation! lol
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 26, 2009, 07:37:42 pm
That made me flash back to my earlier years.  I was about 15 and it was just my mother and I.  She was a school teacher and in those days if you had a high school education you could teach.  But times were changing so that teachers were required to have a college degree.  She went to college in the summer time for years and finally got her degree.  The college was colorado state college now known as the University of Northern Colorado.  Because many of the summer students were older people working on degrees, bachelors, masters, doctorates there were many teachers.   And, the college had state groups that met once a week such as the Kansas club, etc.  It was basically a social gathering for those from their home states.  This particular summer we became friends with a gentleman working on his Doctorate.  He is probably long gone, but I will keep his name out of it and the town where he lived.  He was very nice to us and taught me how to drive his car.  He was a High School principle and his Doctorate dissertation was on molestation of children and related subjects.  He never made any moves on me.  We later found out he had been imprisioned for child molestation.  Ya jest never know!!

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on June 26, 2009, 09:22:56 pm
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 27, 2009, 06:21:18 pm
Enough reminiscing!  Back to a slice of wry.

The young fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.  "But the left arm is a lot longer than right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained.  "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered.  "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice.  That's why this suit is only $30."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.


Two doctors happened along and noticed him.  "Good Heavens," the first Doctor said, "look at that poor fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second Doctor, "But doesn't that suit fit him great?"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 28, 2009, 10:09:14 am
Todays------------------------------appropriate for a beautiful Sunday day.

When a local Doctor began attending church services, the minister was absolutely delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work; the minister referring people to the doctor and vice versa.

One referral from the Doctor stopped by the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons.  The minister was most pleased until he discovered that..............................the patients problem was insomnia!

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 30, 2009, 12:53:16 pm
todays------

A couple was going out for the evening.  They had gotten ready - all dolled up:  put the cat out and all the other necessities. 

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the car scurried back inside the house. A somewhat rowdy cat, they certainly did not want to let her have free run of the house while they were away, so the husband went back upstairs to escort the feline out the back door.

The wife, not wanting it to be known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "stubborn old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom handle to get her to come out."  :o
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on June 30, 2009, 02:16:52 pm
That got a giggle.
Thanks
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 01, 2009, 06:54:01 pm
The patient went to his Doctor because he had the flu.  The Doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual Illegible handwriting. The patient stuck in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass.  Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony.  He showed it to his boss and got a raise.

One day he mislaid it.  His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Conservatory of Music.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 02, 2009, 08:50:31 am
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.  A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked a table of two if everything had been all right.

"It was fine, honey," replied one man, "but my friend and I have to leave now.  Could he please have his walker back?"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 03, 2009, 11:32:23 am
Have you ever wondered why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Anarctica?  Where do they go?  Wonder no more!!!!
 
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring thoughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the icy surface, other members of the family and social circle have been know to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 04, 2009, 12:13:36 pm
Happy fourth, everybody!!!  ;D ;D I hope this makes your day a little better.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a crowded restaurant's window.

For a moment, there was silence,, then the driver said, "Geeze, you scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized profusely and said he didn't realize that a little tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.  You see, today is my first day as a cab driver.  I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.   ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on July 04, 2009, 12:28:44 pm
LOL  :D :D :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 05, 2009, 11:09:11 am
Appropriate for a beautiful Sunday morning----------------

Indications that your Pastor really enjoys westerns:

1.  His sermon on Revelation is titled, "Showdown at High Noon."
2.  At the end of services, he replaces altar call with "roundup"
3.  Refers to the Deacon's meetings as "a campfire chat."
4.  Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.
5.  Walks into the pulpit with a hearty "Hi-Yo Silver."
6.  Always refers to his Bible as "My Six-Shooter."
7.  Has ushers tie bandanas around their faces and pass around ten-gallon hats instead of offering plates.
8.  When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy, Pardners!"
9.  Refers to the next fellowship dinner as "gathering around the chuck wagon."
10. Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung during the altar call.

AND, the number one sign that your Pastor is addicted to westerns...................


Kepps mumbling two words:  Holy Chaps!

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 06, 2009, 11:56:27 am
A horse showed up at a baseball training camp and asked for a tryout.  The manager was shocked!  Not only was this a talking horse, but he wanted to play baseball.

He put the horse in the outfield, where the horse caught all the balls hit to him.  In the infield, he always made the right play

When it came time to bat in a game, the horse hit a long line drive between the outfielders, but then the horse just stood at the plate.

"Run!" the manager shouted, "Run!"

The horse turned to the manager and said,

"IF I COULD RUN, I'D BE AT THE RACE TRACK! !!!!!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Dee Gee on July 06, 2009, 12:48:25 pm
Like Mickey Mantle said "Hitting the ball is easy it's running the bases that is hard."
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 07, 2009, 09:11:18 am
Betty Sue recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend that the townsfolk had spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past.

"Lots of new greenery," she said, "And, families are together now."

"All together?"  her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," Betty Sue replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow.  They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things.  But they have redone it now so people are with their children and grandchildren instead of scattered."

The friend was aghast.  "Do you mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"


Oh, mercy, no," was the reply, " they just shifted the headstones."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 10, 2009, 08:56:28 am
Got a little distracted and missed a day or two.  Good distractions, though.

Wednesdays------------------------

Phyllis and Stan were relating their vacation experiences to a friend.

"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.  "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," Stan said, "we changed our plans because, uh, well........"

"Oh, tell the truth, Stan!" Phyllis cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous.   Stan simply will not ask for directions."

Thursdays----------------------------

One weekend my friend, Carol, a nurse, was looking after her 6-year old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.  Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.  When Carol went in at 5 a.m., she saw something white on his forehead.  Leaning close, she found a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead, "My name is Daniel!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 10, 2009, 01:01:19 pm
Todays-------------------And it made me think of you, Warph!


A husband and wife go to a counselor after 17 years of marriage.  The counselor asks them what the difficulties are, and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 17 years they've been married.

She goes on and on.

And on and on.

Suddenly, the counselor springs from his chair, goes around the desk, pulls the woman to her feet, wraps his arms around her in an enthusiastic embrace and kisses her quite passionately.

The woman is spellbound.  She sinks quietly back down in her chair in a daze.  The counselor turns to the husband and say, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week.........can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf!!!!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 11, 2009, 01:53:35 pm
An attorney arrived home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

The attorney felt certain his plea to the governor for clemency would be denied, and he was feeling really tired and depressed.  As soon as he got through the door, his wife started in on him:  "Do you realize what time it is?  Where have you been?" and on and on and on.

Trying to ignore her continuing insults, sarcasm, and nasty remarks, he poured himself a strong drink and headed upstairs for a soak in the tub. 

While in his sanctuary, the phone rang and his wife took the call.  His client, indeed, had been issued a stay of execution.  Feeling somewhat badly about how she treated him, she quietly opened the bathroom door and saw her beloved bent over removing his drawers.


Knowing he would be pleased with the news she announced, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"

At that he whirled around and screamed, "For crying' out loud, woman!  Don't you ever let up?"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 11, 2009, 05:50:21 pm
HA!  Made you laugh!!! 

Actually, I am just copying them from my local hometown newspaper.  I like them because I like that wry sense of humor. 

I am glad you are enjoying them.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on July 11, 2009, 08:11:10 pm
OMIGAWD...Finally...Material I can use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Think yo, think yo, think yo!!!!!! lol
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 12, 2009, 10:14:31 am
Here is one to share with your pastor this Sunday morning.

Dottie, filling in for a vacationing co-worker at her church, was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.  She had been told the combination, but had misplaced the paper on which she jotted it down.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for his help.  The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.  After the first twirl he paused and stared blankly.

Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.  Then he looked back at the lock and quickly turned the correct sequence of numbers and opened the lock.

Dottie was amazed.  "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"Oh, it really has little to do with my faith," he answered.  "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on July 12, 2009, 11:30:23 am
Cowboy Joe visited his first big city church yesterday and last night he was telling his pardners all about it. "When I got there they had me park my ol' truck in the big corral."
 
 
 
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a fellow cowhand who'd been to the big city a bunch.
 

"Yup, I reckon," Joe replied, "and then I walked up the trail to the barn."
 

"The sidewalk to the front door," interprets Charlie.
 

"Inside the barn, I was met by this dude in his Sunday best."
 

"That would be the usher," chirps in Charlie.
 

"Well," Joe says with an eye on Charlie, "that there 'usher' led me down the chute..."
 

"The aisle."
 

"Then he dropped me off at a cushy stall and told me to sit there," Joe says.
 

"Pew."
 

"Yup," replies Cowboy Joe. "That's what the purty lady sittin' next to me
 
in that stall said, too."
 

 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 13, 2009, 09:42:06 am
Hmmmmm---- :P

A man was washed up on the beach of a deserted island after a horrible shipwreck.  Only a sheep and a sheepdog survived with him.

After settling in and being there for a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions down to the beach every evening.  One particular evening the sky was a fiery red with beautiful billowing clouds and the breeze was cool, but gentle - a perfect night for cuddling.

As they sat there, he realized how very lonely he was and the sheep was looking better and better.  Soon, he inched closer and put his arm around the sheep.  But the sheepdog, ever protective, growled fiercely and bared its teeth menacingly until the man removed his arm.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets, but there was no more cuddling.  A few years later there was another shipwreck and, believe it or not, the sole survivor this time was the most beautiful young woman one could imagine.

That evening, the man introduced the new arrival to the beach routine.  Once again, it was a very romantic and beautiful setting - red sky, clouds, gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Aha, he thought, with her here now, things could be really different! He leaned over to her - cautiously - and whispered in her ear - "Say, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?   ::)

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on July 13, 2009, 11:18:01 am
Ooh...............bad....................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 13, 2009, 07:00:44 pm
Larry lives in California; couldn't expect much different!  ;D ;D (Sorry Larry, couldn't resist)  :-X
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 13, 2009, 09:19:52 pm
Ouch!!!  Okay, I did some research and if you have some time look at this website.  I particularly liked the one about the main street being two blocks long!  Sounded like home.

Sorry I have found out this is a bogus link which doesn't work, at least for now.  Sorry

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 13, 2009, 09:23:08 pm
Sorry Larry, the link didn't work.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 13, 2009, 10:55:33 pm
Hmmm----I tried three or four times and it worked for me.  If you are clicking on it and it doesn't work, then copy and paste into your browser search and it should work. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 14, 2009, 10:36:32 am
Is anyone else having a problem with that link?  I just wanna know.

Okay---------it's early and I am getting older and slower and a little senile----maybe---but it took me a while to get this one.

A doctor from the city opened a practice in a small country town and started making house calls.

One of his patients was an elderly farmer, but after only a few visits, the doctor stopped going to his house.

The puzzled farmer finally called the doctor to ask why.  "Do you not like me, or something?" he asked.

"Oh, mercy no,"  said the doctor, "its your ducks in front of the house------Every time I come to see you, they insult me."

Think about it, think about it, it will come to you!!! ;D

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on July 14, 2009, 11:30:31 am
Got it--"quack, quack"......................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 14, 2009, 01:39:45 pm
Now see there you go.  You up and ruined it for all the others who haven't gotten it yet!  Just kidding!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 15, 2009, 09:40:02 am
Todays----------

After discovering her young daughter playing Doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing Doctor at their age," the neighbor explained.

"Sexuality my foot!" the mother yelled, "He took out her appendix!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 15, 2009, 09:46:23 am
On a previous post I listed a website for all to look at.  I have heard the link didn't work and I tried it several times that day and had no probem.  However, today, wednesday the 15th, it wasn't working.  Sorry about that. Apparently the ownership of the website let it expire and it has not been renewed.  How I got on it is now a mystery to me.  I will look into it some more.

Again sorry

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on July 15, 2009, 10:44:08 am
I'm sorry I jumped the gun on the previous joke--it's just that I usually am the LAST to "get the punch line", so I was overexcited that it made sense to me the first time.  I'll do better next time.......................sorry.......................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 15, 2009, 11:07:31 am
Larry, I am so embarrassed, it took me nearly all day to'get' the doctor joke even with Karens' clue. I get pretty dense sometimes. LOL!  :-[ :-[
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Dee Gee on July 15, 2009, 11:09:03 am
I thought ducks went Aflac Aflac not quack quack.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on July 15, 2009, 11:17:29 am
Dale, I like that, i told my wife your answer and she said that is something your Dad would have said also, that he had a great sense of humor and was a jokester. That was a compliment.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 16, 2009, 10:33:16 am
Dee Gee, if the ducks went "aflac, aflac" then the joke might have been about an insurance salesman instead of a Doctor.

Sixdogsmom, don't feel bad.  I usually get jokes pretty fast, but this one took me some time, also.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 16, 2009, 11:27:47 am
This one is old and probably has been posted somewhere on the forum before, but I will repeat it and add one that this one reminded me of.  (I know, don't end sentences in a preposition----------so, tough.)

Two elderly gentlemen at a retirement facility were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Randal, I'm 91 years old now and I seem to be full of aches and pains.  I know you are about my age, how do you feel?"

Randal says, "By golly, I feel just like a newborn baby!"

"Really!  Just like a newborn baby?"
                                                                                                                                   
"Yep------No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"

AND,  the one that this one reminded me of-----------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen sitting on the front porch of the nursing home were enjoying the day.  One turned to the other and said, "Today is my birthday and I am 100 years old.  I have never drank, never smoked, and was faithful to the same woman for 70 years.  How about you?"

Th other gentleman said, "Well, I drank a fifth of bourbon every day, smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and made love to a different woman every night."

The first gentleman was aghast and said, "How old are you?"

The other gentleman replied, "27!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 16, 2009, 11:30:07 am
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 16, 2009, 01:56:58 pm
HA! HA!
LOL!
TEE HEE!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on July 17, 2009, 09:35:56 am


I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying. 

 
...he said  "Canned Goods and Ammunition".
 

 

 


 


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 17, 2009, 10:30:07 am
Good one, Jo!!!

Today's--------------------

Anne brought back to the drugstore a tube of topical cream she had purchased earlier.  "I need to return this. I bought it for my vacation, but I can't use it," she explained to the clerk at the pharmacy.

"May I ask why?" said the clerk.

"Well," Anne said, pointing to the tube, "It says right here, 'Directions:  apply locally, two times a day'."

"Okay, why is that a problem?" asked the clerk.

"For heavens sake, I can't apply it locally, I told you I'm going on vacation!"

"So?" asked the clerk.

Looking at him as though he was brainless, Anne sarcastically replied, "I'm going to Arizona, you know, out of state!"

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 17, 2009, 01:42:21 pm
mOANNNNNNN! AND GROANNNNNNNN!  ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 17, 2009, 05:14:49 pm
Larry, this sounds like a Blonde joke gone A-WRY!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 17, 2009, 06:27:40 pm
Larry, this sounds like a Blonde joke gone A-WRY

Pun intended?

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Catwoman on July 17, 2009, 06:50:41 pm
Very punny! lol ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 18, 2009, 11:09:23 am
Todays----------------------


A comely redhead was thrilled at the outcome of her divorce and was dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.

In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heels in love with him, even though he was a married man.  "Oh, Reggie," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there someway we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Reginald laid out a scenario:  "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, hurried lies on the phone, brief rendezvous in sordid motel rooms - is that what you want for us?"

"No---No....." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh,"  Reggie said, "well, it was just a suggestion."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 19, 2009, 09:44:19 am
Another gorgeous Sunday in SoCal and apparently the editors like to put jokes about religion, church, etc. in the Slice of Wry on Sundays, so here is today's----------------------

During the minister's and congregation's silent prayer in services Sunday, a very loud whistle from one of the back pews pierced the silence.

Little John's mother was horrified as suddenly, they were the focus of everyone's attention, including the pastor in the pulpit.  She squeezed his arm to silence him and, after church, asked, "John, whatever made you do such a thing?"

John answered soberly, "Well, I asked God to teach me to whistle -----and just then He did!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 19, 2009, 02:09:10 pm
See! He does answer prayer!

Thanks Larry.......oh, God also has a funny bone.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 20, 2009, 04:28:48 pm
Alllllrighty then---------this one is for all you moaners and groaners out there---------------


My good friend, Jane, wanted to do something a little different for her vacation so she decided to stay at a western dude ranch in Colorado.

On her first day there, she made arrangements to go for a horseback ride. Miandering down to the corral she encountered a young cowboy ready to help her saddle up and hit the trail.

He was a very pleasant chap and quite encouraging in explaining how tos, what fors, dos and don'ts.  "Now then," he said "what kind of saddle would you prefer-------a western saddle or an eastern saddle?" 

"Well, I dunno." Jane said, "what's the difference?"

The cowboy explained that the western saddle has a horn and the eastern one doesn''t.

Jane thought for a moment and then replied, "Oh, I'll take the eastern saddle-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't intend to ride in traffic!" ::)

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on July 20, 2009, 04:34:45 pm
OMG! Boooooo!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 20, 2009, 06:17:28 pm
Now, that has to be a blond joke..................that was a good one, Larry......ty
LOL ::) ::) :-\ :o
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 21, 2009, 09:21:21 am
Today's--------------------------------------------------

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.  He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On the other wall is a hot pot of coffee, cappuccino machine and a dazzling array of the finest pastries.

Then the priest steps in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession..................and first I must confess that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get outta here, you're on my side." :angel:

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 22, 2009, 10:01:06 am
todays-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman had been exposed to strep and made an appointment at the Doctor's office to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a newspaper while other patients came and went.

Eventually her name was called and as she suddenly arose, she discovered her leg was "asleep."  Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door.  She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

A few minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room.  As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you Dr. Eicher was a wonderful Doctor!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 23, 2009, 10:07:01 am
Todays---------------------makes sense to me.


Frank returned home to find his wife, Yolanda, preparing to bake a ham.  He noticed she had once again cut off both ends.  He finally asked her why, since it looked like perfectly good ham, as did all the others she had prepared in the past.

Yolanda told him, "I learned this from my mother."  He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was, as always, great.

At the next family gathering, Frank asked his mother-in-law about the ham.  She said, "I learned that from my mother."

Well, as the next holiday rolled around, Grandma came home for a visit, and Frank decided the time had come to solve the riddle.  He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned the end-cutting method from her.  Grandma said,

"Well............................I only had a short pan."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 23, 2009, 11:59:07 am
On a sadder note-------Gidget, the chihuahua dog, who was famous for the Taco Bell commercials in which a male voice was dubbed over the look on her face, saying, "yo quiero Taco Bell."  That means I want my Taco Bell.  The video can be seen on youtube.  I tried to embed it, but it didn't work.  She was 15 years and had a massive stroke and had to be euthanized.  She probably won't get the sendoff that Michael did, but it is still a big loss.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 24, 2009, 08:59:49 am
Something a little different this morning---------------------------

Rearranging the letters around in words can sometimes lead to surprising results.  Take, for example, the following----

ASTRONOMER can become MOON STARER
DESPERATION=A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES=THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE=HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY=DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES=CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY=IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS=LIES--LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS=ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT=I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES=THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO=TWELVE PLUS ONE
And lastly (for some folks perhaps)
MOTHER-IN-LAW=WOMAN HITLER

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 25, 2009, 10:43:15 am
This one is a bad ending to an otherwise good day-------------------------

Jessica had just put the chilldren to bed on the family's camping trip when a baby skunk moseyed into the washroom she was using.  Knowing the mama would be close by, Jessica froze.  But when the baby skunk tumbled into the trash can and began to cry, Jessica bolted for the door.

Sure enough, mama came running----------tail held high.  In an attempt to avoid her, Jessica vaulted over a fence into the bushes, smack onto a raccoon.

The raccoon screeched, scratched and bit, the skunk sprayed, and Jessica was stuck in the middle.

The Doctor couldn't stop laughing as he tended to her wounds---------------------------and told her she had landed in poison oak!

Larryj

P.S As of this writing, I noticed this thread has been viewed exactly 1000 times!  I am glad you like it.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on July 25, 2009, 07:34:19 pm
They're great--keep them coming!!!!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 26, 2009, 09:55:33 am
Another Sunday slice of wry----------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6- year-old students.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked. "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 27, 2009, 10:04:33 am
Todays------------------------------

Joshua wanted to see the world, so he signed up with the merchant marine to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.

After mastering the classroom instruction, he began his practical training behind the wheel of the vessel.  In his first lesson, the executive officer gave him a heading, and the young fellow held to it.  Then the exec ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased with himself at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man walked over to his executive officer.  The exec had an incredulous look on his face as the wheel was left to spin freely.  Then, rather gently considering the circumstances, he asked politely, "Would you bring the ship with you?"

BONUS   :o          BONUS     ;D        BONUS      :P       BONUS      :laugh:

And I am probably going hear about this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nine words women use

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying get lost!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
__________________
Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 27, 2009, 05:09:55 pm
Hey! Larry, when you are RIGHT YOU ARE RIGHT!

Don't mess with a woman..........and I really enjoyed the ship
wry.............bet he was a blond...........or graduated MBA.

 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on July 27, 2009, 05:46:40 pm
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive  clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 27, 2009, 09:35:13 pm
 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

I loved this one, Jo, thanks.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on July 27, 2009, 11:50:54 pm
I will add a couple from my personal experience.

When a woman says "I guess ..." she is just being polite. In my experience you need to drop those words from her original statement and do what she said.

"It would be nice if..." again she is being polite, what she means is I want you to do this.

If she means I want you do do something do it, it is in your best interest to follow her direction.

(For the men reading this I know you don't understand, just take my advice.)

David ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 28, 2009, 08:51:36 am
Todays--------------short and sweet, and a slap in the face

The plane was only half-full, so when an atractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my ego soared.

Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.  My ego was quickly deflated, however, when she confessed, with a nervous laugh, "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust, and you look just like my Granddad."

OUCH!!!!

Larryj

It takes years to get used to how old you are.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on July 28, 2009, 09:00:26 am
Thanks Larry, what a great way to start the day.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 29, 2009, 10:09:39 am
Todays--------

To help at busy times, the auto garage hired two teenagers as mechanic's helpers.

Taking great pains to be specific, the manager explained to the two that he wanted them to clean the cars that were parked outside.  He gave them two extension cords, a vacuum cleaner, a bucket, some rags, sponges and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in a car, with their feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo.  "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.

"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.

Exasperated, he said, "That's why I gave you two."

"Well, we tried the other one," one teen said, " and it wouldn't reach either!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 30, 2009, 10:07:40 am
Todays-------------------------------------DISCLAIMER!!!!  DO NOT ACTUALLY TRY THESE TIPS!!!!!!!!


CAMPING TIPS-------

1)  When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will help keep the campsites on either side vacant.

2)  Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

3)  Old socks can be made into high fiber jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

4)  A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

5)  Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  WARNING!!  Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

6)  You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

7)  When packing to leave, you can compress the diameter of a rolled sleeping bag by running over it with you car.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 31, 2009, 10:17:57 am
Another groaner---------------------------------And, Patyrn, let everybody else get it first.  ;D


A boy and his father are playing with toy cars -- the father has a police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a driver's license?" asks the father.

"No!" says the boy defensively.

"Hey, are you resisting arrest?" asks the father.

The boy hesitates for a moment, then says, "No, I'm  just not sleepy yet."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on July 31, 2009, 10:23:41 am
That's cool--and I promise I'll refrain from shouting out the answer.............................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 01, 2009, 10:40:43 am
Todays-----------------------------------

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker for money when the police came and raided the game.

Turning to the priest, the sergeant in charge said, "Father, were you gambling?"  Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered to himself, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."  Turning to the police officer, he said,  "No, officer, I was not gambling."

The officer than asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"  Again, after a forgiveness appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"  Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied,

"With whom?"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 02, 2009, 09:36:55 am
Todays-------------------------------------

A feud developed between the pastor and choir director. The first hint of trouble came when the pastor preached on dedicating oneself to service and the choir director selected "I Shall Not Be Moved" as the anthem.

Believing it was a coincidence, the pastor put the incident behind him.  The next Sunday, the sermon focused on giving and the director chose to have the choir sing "Jesus Paid It All."

By this time it became evident the pastor was losing his temper and Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two increased dramatically.

The next week, the pastor preached on gossiping and wouldn't you know it, the choir director selected, "I Love To Tell The Story."

There was no turning back.  The following Sunday the preacher announced that unless the director changed his ways, he was considering resigning.  The congregation gasped when the choir director led them in "Why Not Tonight?"

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The choir director simply could not resist the song "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 02, 2009, 01:43:14 pm
Priceless, Larry, thanks!

It could work that way.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on August 02, 2009, 02:56:31 pm
Perfect....................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 03, 2009, 09:55:35 am
Todays----------------short and cute and my wife liked this one.

My friend Donna said she felt like her body had gotten out of shape, so she got her doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

She decided to begin with an aerobics class for seniors.  She said she bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and sweat like the dickens for an hour....................................but by the time she got her leotards on, the class was over.

Larryj

You're growing old when your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on August 03, 2009, 10:23:05 am
So true.........................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 04, 2009, 08:32:00 am

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage,
would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot

`
 

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 04, 2009, 09:07:34 am
Todays--------------------------------------courtesy of my 4 year old granddaughter who brings in the paper when she comes over.

Raul was playing soccer with his local team.  He got a break-away and headed towards the goal.  He missed an easy shot to tie the game, giving the victory to the other team.

"I could just kick myself," he groaned, as the players came off the field.

"Why bother?" said the captain of the team, "you'd miss!"


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 04, 2009, 01:27:32 pm


 
This is for all you guys with nothing much to do. Girls, I suggest we spend the day shopping........seems they won''t pay attention to their pockets and you can really get some "Justice".

 

 WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY   

 

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

 

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist a ctivity.
 
God bless America !    It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.

`


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 04, 2009, 09:23:48 pm
Hee Hee!!  I had heart bypass surgery scheduled for that time, so I called and canceled it.  When I informed the surgeon of my reason for canceling, he was really appreciative that he could also join in the anti-terrorist effort and will be sitting by my side.  He also said that an event of this kind is probably better for my heart than any old surgery.  In the event that this may prove to be too much for my heart, he is bringing his medical bag and favorite nurse who will also be showing her patriotism, but standing by to be of assistance in case I need it rather than walking.  He has also given me a crash course in CPR in case this event proves to be too much for him, but has insisted that the nurse administer CPR before I do.  The anesthesiologist will be bringing the beer and whatever else he feels he may need to "get high on America."  Thanks for the heads up.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 05, 2009, 09:08:07 am


 IN THE PUB

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.  The music was really, really  loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

`
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 05, 2009, 09:12:18 am
Todays-------------------------------------------ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "UNIQUE BREAKFAST," so he walked in and sat down.  The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What is your Unique Breakfast,? he inquired.

"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?  Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?  I'd never, ever even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me a couple of eggs, over easy," the man replied.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on August 05, 2009, 10:11:18 am
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.........................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 06, 2009, 09:30:57 am
Todays--------------------------------This guy was probably blond, too---------------------

A couple of months ago, a guy entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi.  Shortly after that he won a $250,000 log cabin kit, so naturally he had it built on his new land.

Well, folks, he pulled up stakes here and moved down there.  And, just last night, as he sat on his new porch, watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink iin. :P :o

(Wait for it, Patyrn)

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on August 06, 2009, 07:47:02 pm
Got it.................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 07, 2009, 08:47:10 am
Probably not worth even a groan, but here is todays------------------------------------

As  Marjorie left the grocery store, she noticed two little kids, maybe 6 or 7 years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," she said to the boys-----"you eat it for me."

True to her word, Marjorie bought one and handed the candy back to the boy.  He shook his head and said, "I can't."

"Why not?"

Looking at her intently, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 08, 2009, 11:32:45 am
Todays-----------


As a high school football coach, Jack was well aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports.  Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the jock that Bob wasn't home, the kid became frantic, and said he had to speak to the coach right away. 

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home" the coach's wife told him.  "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."   ??? ::)

Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by publik edukashn.    (wow! spell check went nuts over this one)

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 08, 2009, 06:37:44 pm
Back during my days in Alaska I went hunting for a Dall Ram Sheep outside a little town called Chicken, Alaska. After a very hard day of hunting and climbing allover the mountains I found myself in a bar drinking next to a old Inuit native guy who told me how his grandfather was one of the founders of Chicken, Alaska. After many great stories I eventually had to ask him the burning question in my mind. How did the town get it's name. He said that the founding fathers wanted to call it Ptarmigan but couldn't spell it, so they named it Chicken. I didn't get my sheep but I did get a pretty large bag of Ptarmigan. One of which was so large that I had it stuffed. Unfortunately I can't show you a picture of it since when my Brit Kansas was a puppy he thought it was a big white quail from the great legends of the plains indians. At first I was mad at Kansas for ripping the bird of its base. But as any gun dog owner can tell you that the first time your puppy carries a bird in his mouth without eating it is a proud day. So I will provide you with some ptarmigan pictures I found on the internet.

Alaskan Willow Ptarmigan

(http://www.alaskafocus.net/misc_pics/walk.jpg)

(http://www.photoseek.com/alaska-show/images/06AK_4210-ptarmigan.jpg)

Chicken, Alaska

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken,_Alaska

David ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 08, 2009, 07:42:22 pm
A trip to and from the South Hills and Mt. Rushmore featured a look from the interstate at a place called "Lost, Wyoming."

Population 4---------yep 4.  The "town" consisted of a bar with a house built on top of it.  So one building with a bar and housing and a group (family?) of 4 living there.  Who goes to the bar?  I don't know.  Local ranchers maybe?  I took a picture from the interstate as there was a gate across the access road.  Picture is not great.  I also took a picture of the sign on the interstate that announces the name of the town and the population. and maybe I will find it somewhere someday.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 09, 2009, 11:34:33 am
Todays----------------------------

"A stitch in time saves nine" sounds great, but it doesn't mean much any more.  Isn't it about time we had some new/revised proverbs for the modern age?

Here are some submissions:

What boots up must come down
Fax is stranger than fiction
Don't byte off more than you can view
The geek shall inherit the earth
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach him to use the Net and he won't be a bother for weeks.

BTW, I looked up the proverb, "a stitch in time saves nine" and it means basically that if you repair a problem when it is small, it will keep you from having to use more time and energy to fix when it is bigger.  Using the word nine was only to make the proverb rhyme, sorta.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 10, 2009, 09:53:32 am
Todays-----------------------------------------

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving you and Mummy."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed the father, advising her, "why don't you take Mummy with you."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 11, 2009, 11:44:07 am
Todays----------------------------------this kid has his priorities straight!

During the Persian Gulf War, Stan was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia.  As he was saying goodbye to his family, his 3 year old son, Christopher, was holding on to his daddy's leg and pleading with him not to leave.

"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

The family was beginning to make a scene when Stan's wife, desperate to calm the lad down, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice, "OK, bye, Daddy."

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 12, 2009, 01:46:55 pm
Todays--------------------------------------------------

When Duncan and his wife Sonya, were having dinner with her parents, her mother complained about the extra weight she had gained.

Duncan's father-in-law gallantly said, "You should put on a little extra weight as you grow older so that, if you get sick, or something, you have it to fall back on."

Sonya eyed her father's paunch, then surmised, "Apparently, you are expecting to fall forward."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 12, 2009, 10:04:35 pm
Todays----------------------------------this kid has his priorities straight!

During the Persian Gulf War, Stan was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia.  As he was saying goodbye to his family, his 3 year old son, Christopher, was holding on to his daddy's leg and pleading with him not to leave.

"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.

The family was beginning to make a scene when Stan's wife, desperate to calm the lad down, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice, "OK, bye, Daddy."

Larryj

The rules of this forum forbid me from openly expressing how this little "slice" made me feel.  I mean, why don't you just tell a holocaust joke while you're at it.  Truly pathetic.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: srkruzich on August 12, 2009, 10:11:50 pm
A trip to and from the South Hills and Mt. Rushmore featured a look from the interstate at a place called "Lost, Wyoming."

Population 4---------yep 4.  The "town" consisted of a bar with a house built on top of it.  So one building with a bar and housing and a group (family?) of 4 living there.  Who goes to the bar?  I don't know.  Local ranchers maybe?  I took a picture from the interstate as there was a gate across the access road.  Picture is not great.  I also took a picture of the sign on the interstate that announces the name of the town and the population. and maybe I will find it somewhere someday.

Larryj

Here ya go larry.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Springs,_Wyoming
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 13, 2009, 12:46:03 am
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!  Sorry, Billy, these are jokes, only jokes.  Perhaps you should revisit Warph's profile and look at the quote. 

Srkruzich, thanks for the article.  I guess it now has a population of one.  Wonder what happen to the others?

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 13, 2009, 11:03:38 am
Today's-------------------------------------------------


A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.  "Our underwriting department determines that," Carol said.  Then Carol asked for her license number.  After a bit, as she was verifying the information, Carol asked, "NMF?  Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well.........................yes," the woman said, "But could you please tell your underwriters that is also stands for N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in Fault?"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 14, 2009, 09:34:16 am
Today's----------------------------------------not sure if I would still want the ice cream


The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked the female clerk, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Van....illa, choc......chocolate, st......strawberry." the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue..

"Do you have bronchitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope,"  she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

TODAY IN HISTORY----President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.  (Thank you very much!)

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 15, 2009, 09:34:59 am
Today's-----------------------------------------

A dog is ambling down Main Street when he spots a sign in an office window:  "Help Wanted.  Must be able to type 70 words a minute.  Must be bilingual.  An equal opportunity employer."

The dog walks in and applies for the job.

"I'm sorry," says the office manager, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

Whereupon the dog points to the line:  "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager says, "OK, take this letter and type it."

The dog heads off for the word processor and returns a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed and formatted.

The manager is impressed but still unmoved.  "I can't hire a dog," he says, "because you have to be bilingual."

The dog looks up at the manager and says, "Meow."

___________________________________

TODAY IN HISTORY-----------In 1969, (yep, that is 40 years ago) the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.
Where were you?

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 15, 2009, 09:46:17 am
 ;D :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 16, 2009, 08:38:01 am
Woodstock...hippies... :-X  excuse me while I go puke.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 16, 2009, 10:23:27 am
Today's-------------------------------------------


A Scotsman who was on a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he found it would cost $50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot, mon," he said to the local travel agent, "In Scotland, it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which the Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder why he walked."

__________________________________________________

Today in history---------------In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

___________________________________________________

You are excused, Billy.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 16, 2009, 06:17:35 pm
Men Are Just Happier People:

NICKNAMES

1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, go to the gym, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house...


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 16, 2009, 08:34:50 pm
So true, so true.  Thanks, David. :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 17, 2009, 10:29:10 am
Today's---------------------------------------------------------------DUH!

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door. 

It's opened by Little Benny who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello, son.  Is your mom or dad at home?"

Little Benny (exhaling a puff of smoke):  "What do you think?"

_____________________________________________________

Today in history---------------------------Pearl Bailey, 72, died of a heart attack 19 years ago (1990).

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 11:25:07 am
 :laugh: :laugh:

This off your topic sort of but the last one reminded me of one of the funnier things that happened to me when I was a young single mother.......My boys were like 6 and 7 and I was babysitting at the time. I had one niece who was also 6 one who was a baby another baby I was taking care of and three others under the age of five...anyway a vacuum cleaner salesman came up to the door one day and I answered it...I had a baby on each hip and the rest of em runnin around playin and he never said a word LOL just turned around and went on down the street! I've been laughin about the look on his face for years !
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 17, 2009, 04:19:00 pm
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 17, 2009, 05:41:00 pm
San Fransico couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh shut up and stop crying, you're still my brother'

Billy you ignorant, inbred, imbecile (Just a joke, Billy is not ignorant). That is not a San Francisco couple joke that is the story of an Arkansas couple. ( Sorry Redcliffsw and Flintaqua, I am from Missouri) To make it a San Francisco story you would have to have iincluded, hippiy or gay or liberal or socialist. For those of you that are offended don't get too agitated. Jokes and satire in this vain are meant to illustrate the error of bigoted, racist comments. Except when they involve Arkansas. Sorry if these jokes got too blue or offensive. :police:

David
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flintauqua on August 17, 2009, 09:13:42 pm
Last year Arkansas Legislature passed a resolution that exempts Washington and Benton Counties from "Arkie" jokes, being that more than 50% of the two county's residents are from somewhere else.   ;) ;);D :P

I live in Benton County.  :angel:

Charles
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 17, 2009, 09:16:42 pm
I always wondered what a Billyvarmit was; who knew it is a Red Foxx. Good one Billy. I have a lot of Red Foxx jokes and San Francisco jokes but I am not sure how blue this room is so I will stop at the last one.  ;D

David
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 17, 2009, 09:38:45 pm
Yeah, well, I won't so heres another.....


Why do iraqi women wear scarves during sex???

So their beards don't irritate their husbands.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 17, 2009, 09:49:57 pm
Got this in an email and just had to post it....


Here is something to lighten your heart for a moment.
    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.  Nothing is moving north or south.
 Suddenly a man knocks on his window.  The driver rolls down his window and asks,
   "What  happened.  What's the hold up?"

  "Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.  We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

   The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?'"

  "About a gallon."
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 17, 2009, 10:56:46 pm
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!       WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I had to go back a couple of pages and reread the posts.  Is this the same Billy that was irritated by one of my jokes?  Is this you, Billy?  Have you got something against gays?  Or, gays in San Francisco?  Why don't you pick on someone else?   :o

Just kidding, Billy!  Thanks for the jokes and I am glad you posted them.  ;D ;D

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 11:01:35 pm
Quote
I live in Benton County. 

Lol, I live just north of you in McDonald Co. Missouri, I always get jokes about how the family trees don't fork very far :P :laugh: they seem to have plenty of branches as far as I can tell though LOL
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 17, 2009, 11:19:09 pm
Quote
I live in Benton County. 

Lol, I live just north of you in McDonald Co. Missouri, I always get jokes about how the family trees don't fork very far :P :laugh: they seem to have plenty of branches as far as I can tell though LOL

Pam, I used to deer hunt in a little town called Cole Camp, Mo. It kind of reminded me a little bit of the movie Deliverance. We used to joke that instead of a family tree they were so inbred they had a family circle. I know, I know I have a sick warped since of humor.

David
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 11:25:35 pm
   It may be Redneck Love if...
You consider dating second cousins to be "playing the field."
  LOL ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 17, 2009, 11:28:23 pm
ps Is Cole Camp up around Stockton Lake?  The name sounds familiar for some reason.....Joe did some work up there so maybe that's it....IDK ???
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: dnalexander on August 17, 2009, 11:45:20 pm
ps Is Cole Camp up around Stockton Lake?  The name sounds familiar for some reason.....Joe did some work up there so maybe that's it....IDK ???
Its about 20-30 miles south of Sedalia and 30 miles north of Harry S. Truman lake.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 18, 2009, 08:08:19 am
Ah  Granma had family in Sedalia maybe that's where I heard of it from....:P can't remember  >:(
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 18, 2009, 08:55:37 am
There is another "Jeff Foxworthy" redneck joke about that.  "You're a redneck if the family reunion and class reunion are the same event."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 18, 2009, 09:14:45 am
Today's----------------------------------------------------------------


A little old lady is sitting on a park bench.  A man approaches and sits down at the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I used to live here years ago."

"So, if you don't mind me asking," she says, "where were you all of those years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Oh my!" she says, adding, "For what reason were you incarcerated?"

He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh..........: says the woman, "so....................you're single.......?"
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on August 18, 2009, 09:27:13 am
Charles,

Here is a partial repeat of an item I put on the forum over two years ago about the state of Arkansas. You may be aware of the action.

Prior to 1881, citizens of the state southeast from Kansas commonly used two pronunciations for their area: “RKansas” and “Arkansaw.”

Apparently wanting to differentiate their great state from the other great state, the Arkansas legislature passed a resolution in 1881 clarifying the matter.

The legislature recognized the state spelling as “Arkansas” but having the preferred pronunciation of “Arkansaw.”
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 18, 2009, 10:26:55 am
I often wondered and never really found out why, but living in Colorado for a few years, I lived next to the "Arkansaw" River and yet when we would travel to Kansas to visit my grandmother, we would pass through "Arkansas City."  I think I asked my mother at the time and I don't remember what she said.  I guess I need to look this up.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on August 18, 2009, 10:32:52 am
Here is my entire post from a couple years ago that may answer your concern.

Kansans are the only people in the nation who pronounce both Arkansas river names as “RKansas.”

Kansans also pronounce the southern border town of Arkansas City as “RKansas City.”

Some state residents say their reason for using that pronunciation is that they do not live in “Kansaw.”

Prior to 1881, citizens of the state southeast from Kansas commonly used two pronunciations for their area: “RKansas” and “Arkansaw.”

Apparently wanting to differentiate their great state from the other great state, the Arkansas legislature passed a resolution in 1881 clarifying the matter.

The legislature recognized the state spelling as “Arkansas” but having the preferred pronunciation of “Arkansaw.”

Give credit to Matt Dilllon and Gunsmoke. Even though his Dodge City was in Hollywood, he used the Kansas pronunciation each time.

The word Kansas is a Siouan word meaning “People of the South Wind.” The similar Siouan word, Arkansas, has meaning “Downstream People.”

I sure hope I do not have anything misspelled.


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flintauqua on August 18, 2009, 02:58:27 pm
And what makes it worse here in far NW Arkansaw, is that when I tell someone I'm from Kansas they immediately think I'm from the town of Kansas, Oklahoma.  The town, just 12 miles west of the AR/OK border on US412, is also locally referred to as "Little Kansas".
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 19, 2009, 09:15:47 am
Today's-------------------------------------------------Hmmm

It was testimony night at the church.  A lady got up and forcefully announced, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand.  I have had a terrible fight with that old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side, stood up and said, "It's not all my fault by golly, she's tough to get along with!"

______________________________________________

Today in history----------In 1929, the radio comedy program "Amos and Andy" starring Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll made its network debut on NBC-Blue

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 20, 2009, 10:06:55 am
Today's-----------------------------------------------Thinking of you, Warph!!!!!


"Larry, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked his wife, Sherry.

"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't looking?"  Larry asked.

"Certainly not,"  Sherry admitted adamantly.

"Well, neither will John,"  Larry said.

Larryj (no relation to the above)

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 21, 2009, 09:48:36 am
Today's-------------------------We have all been here

Elmer called a delivery company about an insurance claim he had filed on a package.  Elmer, as a former employee, knew the automated voice response (AVR) system wouldn't be able to handle this issue, so he immediately said, "customer service."

The AVR performed a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and them insisted that Elmer first pick from its menu, none of which bore any resemblance to insurance claims.

Elmer tried "track a package."  It recited the status, followed by "May I help you with anything else?"

Elmer said, more insistently, "customer service" at which it complained that that was the most recent shipping information.

Exasperated, Elmer exclaimed, "DAMMIT" and after another little beep-boop-bop computing noise, it swiftly transferred him to customer service.

________________________________________________

Today's birthdays (one of them) Jackie DeShannon turns (gulp) 68-----What the world needs now is love, sweet love.

_________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on August 21, 2009, 12:27:15 pm
(sigh), I only wish it were that easy! I double hate those automated systems.  :P :P
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Varmit on August 22, 2009, 08:00:25 am
Heres one for ya...

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

 One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.....and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 22, 2009, 11:09:05 am
Good one, Billy!  I like that one.

Today's-----------------------------------------------We have all (well, some of us) been here, too.


Jason, a ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly realized that he did not have faintest idea on how to change a diaper. 

Frantically, he called Vinnie, a friend who was, luckily, a father.  Vin calmed down Jason, then gave him the following instructions:

"Place the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at bat. Place baby on 'pitcher's mound,' fold 'second base' over 'home plate' then pin 'first base' and 'third base' at 'home plate'!"

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 23, 2009, 10:59:46 am
Today's-----------------------------------------------(the editors like putting jokes about religion in the Sunday paper)

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats...................it has worked like a charm, the front of the church always fills up first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued:  "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock "n" roll gospel choir.  Now our services are consistently packed through the balcony."

"Thank you, Father."  answered the young priest.  "I am most pleased that you're open to the new ideas of youth."

"Indeed, those have been well and good, but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that."

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I do appreciate that................but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 24, 2009, 11:27:07 am
Today's---------------------------------------------Remember----I only repeat them, I don't make them up.

Harriet and Maude were hired as organist and soloist for a wedding.  During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes.  They didn't have the wedding music with them, so they began with one of the hymns they had sung at a different church the week before, "He Touched Me................"

Just as they began, the minister walked in and stopped, looking very surprised.  He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before.  It's little wonder her was surprised because the opening line of the hymn is: 

"Shackled by a heavy burden.............."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on August 24, 2009, 12:54:39 pm
The 10 indication you have joined the Obama Health Care Program

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.


 (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when
 you enter the trailer park."


 (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


 (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.


 (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an
 apple a day.."


 (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
 Goodwill last month.


 (4) The line, "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-
 network charges," is not a typographical error.


 (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."


 (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


 AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:


 (1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
 tape.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 25, 2009, 09:19:12 am
Today's------------------------------------and not using too much space today.

Mr. and Mrs. Thornharper had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week vacation in Majorca.

"Boy, I wish we'd brought the piano with us,"  said Mr. Thornharper breathlessly.

"What on earth for?"  his wife asked.

"Cause I left the tickets on it."

______________________________________________

Today in history------------In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure providing pensions for  former U.S. presidents and their widows.  (I put this here because I was always under the impression that former presidents has always had a pension of sorts.  I didn't realize that was not true.)

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 26, 2009, 10:52:40 am
Today's------------------------------------------------I get this from my granddaughter a lot.
 
A teenage boy seemed placid and content as the Doctor approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation.

His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her reading.  The Doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.  The boy looked right through the Doctor and started thrashing about and screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"

The Doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career!  He turned to the mother and asked, "How long has this been going on?"  Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."

________________________________________________

Interesting note:  This has nothing to do with Elk County, but there have been posts about the media in other threads of the forum and I wanted to post this. 

It is the beginning of fire season in the mountains around Los Angeles.  It gets hot and dry and the fires are very deadly and dangerous when they start.  Yesterday coming home from an errand, I noticed a plume of smoke in the mountains to the north of us.  The San Gabriel Mountains are to the north of my house with the foothills about ten miles away.  At the mouth of the canyon entering the mountains is a dam owned by the Feds.  It is called Morris Dam and was used during WWII to test torpedoes.  The launch racks are still visible.  Anyway, the fire started next to the dam and is still burning this morning out of control.  Now, for the media.  Normally, a fire like this commands the news coverage all day long.  HOWEVER, sadly, Senator Edward Kennedy passed away and the news folks are spending more time with stories about him instead of a fire in our own backyard which is "slightly" more important to us!

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 27, 2009, 10:52:24 am
Today's-----------------------------The operator is always right.

"Information, how may I assist you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please,"  pause, "I'm sorry, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore!  Theater! The word is theater -  T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

_________________________________________

Birthdays today---------------------Tuesday Weld (gulp) is 66, and Barbara Bach aka Daisy Duke is (gulp) 62

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 28, 2009, 08:54:21 am
Today's---------------------------------

A seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh dear," the mother said nervously, "Tell me exactly what happened, honey."

"Nothing much," the little girl replied matter of factly, "He made me wait for 45 minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

______________________________________

Today, my good friend (oh how I wish) Shania Twain turns 44.  (One can only dream)

______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 29, 2009, 10:31:55 am
Today's---------------------Okay, all you groaners---this one is for you. 

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. 

"I am, "said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly on my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with just a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the entire debate by eating them all------

Wait for it-------------------------

HAWK, LION AND STINKER.

_____________________________________________________

Never let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on August 29, 2009, 12:08:30 pm
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 29, 2009, 12:59:38 pm
Good one. You keep us well entertained.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 30, 2009, 10:04:11 am
Today's-------------------------------------Hey, it's  Sunday, so hence another Sunday joke.

Roger came to Sunday School late.  His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt, and asked him if anything was wrong.  The boy replied, "No, nothing's wrong, I was going fishing, but Dad told me that I needed to go to church."

The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

"Yes, he did," Roger replied.  "Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

__________________________________________

Today--------------------------------Country singer, KITTY WELLS,  is 90 years old!

__________________________________________


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 31, 2009, 09:51:37 am
Today's---------------------------------------------------------

For months Leland had been Katie's devoted admirer.

Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
 
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being - a being who will regard me as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in Katie's eyes, then she nodded in agreement, and finally she responded, "I think that is a great idea.  May I help you pick out a puppy?"

_________________________________________________

Today's birthday-------------Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 70.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on August 31, 2009, 11:48:33 am
 Larry, just wanted to say you have made me shoot coffee out my nose more than once :D Thanks!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 31, 2009, 11:59:12 am
Ha Ha!  In the immortal, I mean, mortal word/s of Catwoman:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Thanks Pam, I am glad I made somebody's day.  That's all that counts to me.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on August 31, 2009, 12:55:30 pm
Larry, how is the smoke out your way? Been seeing that they are doing a lot of evacuating and some homes have been lost. You okay?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 12:32:25 am
Thanks for your concern, SDM.  The first fire last Tuesday was the Morris Dam fire about 10 to 12 miles to the north of us.  I have spent many a weekend or a day hiking and fishing in the that canyon.  There was a fire near there two years ago, but a little farther up the canyon.  My son, who used to hike with me, went with me after that fire to see the damage.  It was just so dishearteniing.  This fire nor any of the others are threatening to us.  We live pretty much in the center of the San Gabriel Valley and not near any areas that would burn. 

The biggest fire, the one you are probably seeing the most of on the news, is the Station fire, so named, because it started near a forest ranger station.  This one is really bad in that as of today it had burned roughly 85,000 acres and is not even 5% contained.  Doing the math, 85,000 acres would be the same as about one-fifth or 20% of Elk County.  Fortunately most of the smoke and ash are blowing away from us.  The temps have been in the triple digit range making it miserable for the firefighters.  This is also an area that my son and I have hiked.  One other threat is that the fire is near Mt. Wilson, the highest point in the county and houses all the radio and television broadcast antennas and is the home of the Mt. Wilson Observatory which is one of the biggest in the country. 

My wife and I decided today to go to the beach some 40 miles to the south, not because of the fires, but because we hadn't been to the beach in a long time and just wanted to go.  On the days when the smoke does seem to be close by, we stay indoors.  We have central air conditioning which keeps us very comfortable.

The view of the smoke billowing thousands of feet into the sky is awesome and today the fire was putting out so much heat there was a cumulus cloud building over the smoke going maybe 5000 feet up. They are estimating another two weeks before it will be out. 

We are safe where we are. 

Thanks again for asking.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 10:51:22 am
Today's------------------------------------------------this one is old to me, but maybe new to you.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside his house talking to his neighbor about how much the class had helped him.

"That sounds like something that would be helpful for my wife and I too." the neighbor said.  "What was the name of the instructor?"

"Oh, ummmmmm, let's see," the old man pondered.  "Uh, you know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice, but has all those prickly thorns..................what's that flower's name?"

"You must mean a rose," said the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man.  He then turned toward his kitchen window and called out, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor who taught the memory class?"

______________________________________________

Update on our fires----------105,296 acres burned, 6300 homes evacuated, 5% contained, 3670 firefighters, 53 homes destroyed, and 2 firefighters killed trying to assess the ground crews work when they became in danger and tried to drive away and missed the road in the smoke and crashed. 105,296 acres translates to 164.5 square miles, roughly 25.3% of the size of Elk County.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on September 01, 2009, 10:55:19 am
Larry, thanks for the Fire report, our Daughter lives in or on Signal Hill and says the smoke is really bothering her there.
Frank
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 11:44:54 am
Yeah, it is interesting how the smoke circulates, especially in an urban area of this size.  While she is many more miles from the fire than I am, she might get some effects of the smoke which might go through the Los Angeles Basin itself and straight to her area.  Today it is somewhat cloudy.  I wasn't sure when it started getting light whether it was smoke or inversion layer off the ocean that make it look cloudy.  But, I just checked the humidity outside and it is double (40 %) to what it was yesterday.  More humidity means more help for the firefighters.  Although they might be a little more uncomfortable with the humidity, it tends to keep the fire down.  Yesterday, in our trip to the beach, the smoke from the fire was very visible and we were almost 60 miles southeast of it.  Being in Signal Hill, she was pretty close to the Palos Verdes fire which is now contained so maybe she was getting the smoke from that.  Being on oxygen therapy, I am probably more conscious of any smoke than I would be normally, but I have not had any problems. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Bonnie M. on September 01, 2009, 11:52:23 am
Larry, I'm appreciating your reports regarding the fires, also.  I'm glad you're not in harm's way.  Frank & Myrna, I was wondering about your daughter, also.  Happy to hear she's also not threatened.  Until you're seen the wildfires, and the devastation, it's hard to imagine!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 01, 2009, 12:24:30 pm
Unfortunately, the two fire fighters that died were trying to find an escape route down the mountain for their team when in heavy smoke conditions they lost sight of the road and slipped off the edge and dropped and rolled some 800 feet. The fire fighters' camp site had been over run and destroyed already. They had all (including convict labor)  taken temporary shelter in a cinder block mess hall, but they needed to get out and down for safety. Prayers please for all the fighters and the residents out there. There may yet be more lose of life. So sad.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 12:36:21 pm
On a second note, our neighbor has a german shepherd who is a super nice dog and very quiet.  So, when she barks during the night, something is going on.  Early this morning, around 4 AM, she began barking and I could hear my neighbor trying quietly to shut her up.  She usually obeys, but not this morning.  Of course, she shut up once I was awake and getting my coffee.  The point of all this is that my neighbor's sister and family live in Tijunga right next to the fire and were evacuated at 3:30 this morning.  So she came here to my neighbor's house along with her dog, which caused the shepherd to bark.  Our neighbor called this morning to apologize, which, it is not a problem for us as we like our neighbors and like the shepherd, too.  

So, getting back to the fire and its effects on us.  Like I said the inversion layer off the ocean came in upping the humidity and helping to keep the fire down somewhat.  However, having an inversion layer also keeps the smoke and ashes lower, not allowing them to escape into the atmosphere.  I was just outside retrieving something from the car and noticed small bits of ash on our cars.  We had not had that before when the humidity was low.

In getting ready to post this, I saw two more entries.  It is sad that two firefighters have lost their lives, but it is amazing that there hasn't been more loss of life, not only to the fire crews, but to the civilians.  People are told to evacuate and most do, but there are some die-hards who feel they can protect their own property with a garden hose against 50' high flames. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 01, 2009, 12:50:48 pm
Yeah, or trying to ride it out in a hot tub? Good grief!!!!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 01, 2009, 01:07:42 pm
a few posts back ya' all was talking about automated call answering and the frustrations they can cause.  This is before computerized answering.  (hope no one is offended)

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right.  He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.

Soon after it was install, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator"
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI ! "
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer that that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash ! " (slammed the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door.  Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam", he said.  The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way.  You have a choice,  You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone.  (crank, crank, ring, ring )
"Operator"
"are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash? "
Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY AM ! "
"well, get ready.  Dere bringin' it in.""

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 01:30:37 pm
Good one, Flo!!!!
 
Actually, when I heard about the hot tub, my initial reaction was ----- okay------ wait!!!!!!!!  wouldn't the water in the hot tub start to boil in the midst of a fire?  Was there water in the hot tub?  Of course, why else would you hide in a hot tub?  Are these people big lobster lovers?

Sometimes you wonder where these people came from, meaning what planet.  I am oft reminded of Bill Engval and his jokes about people being stupid and having to wear a sign saying, "I'm stupid" so the rest of us will be forewarned.  One of my favorites was the one where he said he had a flat tire and pulled into the gas station to get it fixed.  The station attendant came out and asked if he had a flat.  To which he replied, Nope, I was just driving along and the other three just swelled right up! 

Here's your sign.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 01, 2009, 02:17:30 pm
I like Bill Engval.  Well, really I like all of those guys.  Incidently, Larry the Cable Guy grew up next door to my sister in Pawnee City Nebraska.  I guess he was a real clown in high school and Debbie (my niece in the same class) said the teacher asked him "so I suppose you think you can make a living as a comedian?".  Bet she's choking on her words now.  lol
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 03:06:34 pm
How cool!!  Larry the cable guy is a big favorite of mine, also.  Which makes me think, growing up around someone like that, I think maybe we/they don't think that these people might make it as a comedian.  Can you imagine going to school with Jim Carrey?   :D

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 01, 2009, 03:27:22 pm
I just had some of his and Jeff Foxworthy's stuff on. They both just roll me on the floor.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on September 01, 2009, 04:40:25 pm
Bill Engvall's wife is from Midland Texas and he comes back to Midland every year and puts on a benefit show for the Midland Association for Retarded Children (MARC). It is a sellout crowd and all of the Money is donated to MARC, it raises a lot of money for a great cause.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2009, 05:07:45 pm
He actually did one of those "here's your sign" about his wife.  In jest I assure you. 

He was returning from a trip and the plane almost hit a deer.  Excited, he called his wife and told her.   Her response-----

"were you still in the air?"

Here's your sign

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flintauqua on September 01, 2009, 05:10:34 pm
I'd have responded, "Yes, we were! I'm pretty sure it was either Donner or Blitzen!" ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on September 01, 2009, 06:51:52 pm
Bill is a great guy.  He was a fraternity brother of one of the men I worked for in Midland.  They attended Southwestern at Georgetown, TX.  He often called the office.  They went to Vegas together with their wives and spent time together when they came to visit Gail's family.  He really puts on a great show.  Larry the Cable Guy fronted Bill one time when Bill was putting on a benefit for the benevolent group they supported and Larry was just getting into the business then. 
Myrna
Title: Re: FAST THINKING
Post by: Jo McDonald on September 01, 2009, 08:36:35 pm
A man in London walked  into the produce section of his local Tesco’s supermarket and asked  to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department  told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was  insistent that the boy ask the manager about the  matter.
 
Walking into the back room, the boy said  to the manager, "Some old geezer wants to buy a  half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned  around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he  quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly  offered to buy the other half."
 
The manager  approved the deal and the man went on his  way.
 
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was  impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation  earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where  are you from son?"
 
"New  Zealand, sir," the boy  replied.
 
"Why did you leave New  Zealand?" the manager  asked.
 
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but  whores and rugby players there."
 
"Is that right?”  replied the manager,” My wife is from New  Zealand!"
 
 "Really?"  replied the boy, "Who'd she play  for?"   

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 02, 2009, 11:22:40 am
Today's--------------------------------------------AND, PLEASE, do not throw any articles of clothing at me!

A man went to the Doctor with a strange complaint.  "Well, it's like this, Doc," he said.  "When I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes, I start to sing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'  If I see a cat, then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?'"

"It's so embarrassing.................even when I'm asleep, I still keep singing.  Last night, it was 'Delilah' ---- my wife was not amused."

The Doctor leaned forward and said, "It would appear that you have the early symptoms of TOM JONES SYNDROME."

(Wait, there's more, that is not the end of the joke)

The man says, "My word, I've never heard of that--------is it common?" he asked.

"Well, 'It's Not Unusual,'" the Doctor started singing.

_________________________________________

Okay you can groan now!!!!!!!!!!

________________________________________

Where it all started---------------In 1969, the first automated teller machine to use magnetic-striped cards was opened to the public at Chemical Bank i New York City.  (called a "Docuteller" it was developed by Donald C. Wetzel.)

______________________________________

Today's birthday---------------------------Salma Hayek turns 43.

(Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

__________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on September 02, 2009, 12:04:40 pm
What articles of clothing did you have in mind, Larry?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 03, 2009, 09:18:49 am
Wilma, surely you must remember that when Tom Jones or, I believe, Englebert Humperdink, (there's a name you can't forget), would perform their concerts, many ladies, young and older, would throw things on the stage.  This included love letters, motel room keys, underwear, etc. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 03, 2009, 10:05:00 am
Today's------------------------------------there are good joke days and bad joke days and days like this one---------HO HUM.

Caprice was aware that Marcell, one of her middle-school students, was expected to attend a presentation on adolescence in another class, but she hadn't been informed of the time.

In the middle of his written language lesson, Marcell suddenly looked at the clock, jumped up from his desk and ran from the room without a word of explanation.

"What are you doing?  Where are you going?" Caprice shouted after him.

"I gotta go," Marcell yelled from down the hall, "I'm late for puberty!"

__________________________________________________

Fire stats----------140,150 acres burned, 28% contained, 101 structures destroyed, 50 homes remain evacuated, 4,700 fire personnel, and still fortunately only the two fatalities mentioned previously.  Our local paper says the fire is turning more towards the southeast which would bring it closer to the mountains closest to us.  However, the other fire from last week has already burned much of that area, so there won't be anything for this big fire to burn.  Hopefully.  140,150 acres translates into almost 219 square miles, roughly about one-third the size of Elk County.  I believe that I heard this is now the largest fire in Los Angeles County history.  On a side note, our neighbor whose sister was evacuated from her home has returned to her home as it was not damaged and the fire has burned past her area.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 04, 2009, 11:17:43 am
Today's--------------------Kids can be fun?

Years ago when Cherise's two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessings before eating their meal.

One night as Cherise was busy scurrying around the kitchen, she told them both to say their blessings without her.

Cherice took a moment to watch them, as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands.  As the 4 year old finished, her 3 year old sister kept on praying. 

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"

______________________________________________

Today in history--------------In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers led by Gov. Felipe de Neve.  (In the mid 1800's, the wihite people took over and drove many of the Spanish and Mexicans out.  In looking at the demograhics from 2000, the Latino population of Los Angeles count was 51% of the population, so they are slowly taking it back.)

_____________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 05, 2009, 09:55:05 am
Today's-----------------------------------------Big OOPS!

"Next," the conference emcee announced, "it is my pleasure to present the chief of the State Patrol, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief stepped up to the podium and took his place at the lectern.  "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today.  But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

_______________________________________________

Today----------------------comedian Bob Newhart turns 80 and actress Raquel Welch turns 69.

_______________________________________________

Fire news________________154,655 acres burned, roughly 37% the size of Elk County, 76 homes lost, 86 outbuildings, 42% contained, and firefighters have bulldozed and burned more than 100 miles of firebreaks.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 06, 2009, 11:34:56 am
Today's---------------------------------------------It is a beautiful Sunday.

The kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing prayer, and the children seemed aware that the way to end a prayer is with "Amen."

"Does anyone know what 'Amen' means?" the teacher asked.

There was a long silence.

Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, 'Send'."

______________________________________________________

Today's birthday---------------------------comedienne Joanne Worley (Laugh-in) turns 72

______________________________________________________

Station Fire has now burned 154.655 acres and is 49% contained.  154,655 translates to 241.6 square miles, roughly 37% of the size of Elk County.  It has burned nearly 25% of Angeles National Forest.  It is now being blamed on arson and because two firefighters died, it is now considered a homicide case.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 07, 2009, 10:13:46 am
Today's----------------------------------------

My neighbor's niece's 4 year old son was asked if he knew what had happened to the nearly full bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom.

He replied, "Well, Dad tasted it and spit it out; then Marie tasted it and spit it out.  So I figured if nobody liked it, I might as well dump the rest out.

________________________________

Today's birthdays------------------Arthur Ferrante (Ferrante and Teicher) is 88, Gloria Gaynor (I will survive) is 60.

________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 07, 2009, 04:54:09 pm
I believe that I had mentioned (or not) about the cumulus cloud that formed above the Station Fire earlier.  Today I read about it in the local paper and learned a new word.  I don't remember ever seeing this phenomena before.  This cloud is called a pyrocumulus cloud.  It is formed from the vast heat rising from the fire and mixing with the moisture in the atmosphere forming a cloud.  These clouds have been known to act as a storm releasing lightning which can cause new fires.  It is also known to cause rain which can help put out the fires.  it is like the mushroom cloud that forms when an atomic explosion occurs.

I learn something new every day.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 08, 2009, 10:32:47 am
Today's----------------------------------old, but still funny and true.

This is about four people:  Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

______________________________________________________

In 1930, the comic strip "Blondie," created by Chic Young was first published.

_____________________________________________________

Comedian Sid Caesar turns 87 today

______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on September 08, 2009, 10:54:26 am
I just wanted to add about the Blondie comic strip that Blondie, herself, started out as a gold digger. She caroused with rich boys hoping to make life easy for herself and reap the rewards. Dagwood happened to be one of those rich boys, held no job, and was a playboy. When he fell for Blondie his family disinherited him.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 08, 2009, 08:18:26 pm
Like I said--------------------------You learn something new every day.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 08, 2009, 09:49:32 pm
Do you remember where Dagwood's family got their fortune?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on September 08, 2009, 10:00:15 pm
Considering the times, it was probably bootleg whiskey.  :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 08, 2009, 10:32:37 pm
Nope, it was locomotives.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 09, 2009, 07:53:46 am
(I'm still catching up on the forum and may take me all day lol)  Back on Sept. 5 LarryJ noted that Rachel Welch was 69 on that day.  I turned 69 last month and I want to know why I don't look like her at this age???  ;D ;D ;D  AND this is probably the funniest joke you'll hear today  :angel:
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 09, 2009, 09:58:01 am
Well, Flo, if you had millions of dollars and lots of plastic surgery, you could look like Raquel.  In fact, so could I. ;D

Today's----------------------------------------------Probably not as funny as Flo's remarks, but this is for all the groaners.


Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.

"Great" he says, lumbering over the table.  Next night he comes home from work and it's stir-fry again, "just as delicious as last night," he says.."

Next night, stir-fry again.  "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of stir-fry," he says.

Nest night, stir-fry again.  "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it is not stir-fry."

Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking.  He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.

"Aha!" he says, "You were going to make stir-fry again!"

"Don't be silly," she says, "I was just going to iron your shirts."

___________________________________________________

Today in history------------------------------------in 1956, Elvis Presley made the first of three appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show."

__________________________________________________

(How many people will ask who Quasimodo was, and better yet, how many will wonder who Ed Sullivan was.  And how many people will get the joke?)  Don"t be shy, step right up and ask!!!!!!!!! ;D

__________________________________________________
Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 09, 2009, 11:38:35 am
don't have to ask, know both of them.  And I did get the joke and a very good extra use of the wok  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on September 09, 2009, 12:38:23 pm
   
California Poll...
 
The  latest telephone poll taken by the Governator's office asked  whether
 
people who live in California think illegal  immigration is a serious problem:
 
*29% of  respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
*71% of  respondents answered: "No, no es una problema  seriosa."
 
 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Mom70x7 on September 09, 2009, 01:14:51 pm
 ;D   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 09, 2009, 05:02:15 pm
ROTFLMBO!!!!!!!  Es bueno, Senora, es bueno!!

Lorencioj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 10, 2009, 09:29:26 am
Today's-------------------------------------------

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.  She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, she lives in OHIO."

_____________________________________________________

Today--------------Singer Jose Feliciano turns 64 and the much mentioned Bill O'Reilly is 60

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 10, 2009, 10:26:56 am
I wasn't real sure where to put this, so if Teresa wants to move it, that's fine. 

In my local paper, there is a spot for "a guest" to submit a story which is placed on the editorial pages.  I thought of Tobina when I read this and hopefully she will see it.  I liked the way it was written and wanted to repeat it here.  It is entitled,

READY FOR THOSE 'MEAT AND POTATO YEARS'.
By Diana Baima

I am a person who loves the end of summer and cannot wait for fall to begin.  I eagerly await apple season and the change of weather, even though this "change" requires me to buy fake fall foliage in bulk.

However, this year is different.

As September arrived, I found myself sad and with each day that passed, a little more anxious.  If there was a way to stop the days from coming I would do it.


You see, I have a 5-year-old, my first, and this little person who has been my world for five glorious years is going to start kindergarten this week.  He will now spend most of his waking hours with 15 to 20 kids and his teacher.  For the first time he will have influences outside the ones we have chosen for him.

When you give birth and the nurse hands you the baby, she should grab you by the shoulders, look you in the eye and tell you to cherish every moment even when you are tired and covered in vomit, because it will be gone before you know it.  All you new moms or moms-to-be out there, it is longer than your time in high school or a single presidential term and I swear it feels like seconds.

Just to torture myself I got out the videotapes of him as a baby.  As I sat there sobbing on the couch, watching him eat green beans for the first time, it dawned on me that he will remember little to nothing of the years and moments I hold so dear.

The years coming are the ones that he will remember.  When he looks back, these years and the memories they will hold are the ones that will matter to him and define his view of childhood when he is an adult.  This thought, as daunting as it is, has become my silver lining, and the more I considered it the more my attitude about him going to school began to change.

I am now determined to give him as many amazing memories as he has given me.  So now, I boldly say, "bring on kindergarten!"  I will be there volunteering in the classroom and chaperoning on field trips.  I will leave silly notes and fun surprises in his lunchbox.  I shall scrimp and save to give him opportunities like music lessons or tumbling classes.  I will not just be the mom that cheers the loudest at baseball or soccer games, I will volunteer to be the team mom or host the end of season party. 

All of which I will do with enthusiasm.  After all, these will be the meat and potato years of his life, the ones that will stick to his ribs, nourish him and hopefully leave him satisfied.

Reprinted by

Larryj





Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on September 10, 2009, 11:27:07 am
This is so true, and those "little ones" grow up so quickly that you can never get "the moment" back.  Cherish each one...........
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Ole Granny on September 10, 2009, 09:16:03 pm
Oh, but the cherished memories!  Thanks, Larry!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 11, 2009, 10:15:27 am
Today's-----------------------------------------


                                                    SIGNS OF BEING A TYPICAL MOM

1)  You've eaten your weight in Girl Scout cookies.

2)  You always have at least 12 Legos and a Barbie shoe in your purse.

3)  You catch yourself humming theme songs from kiddie shows about three times a day.

4)  You can take construction paper, glue, pudding cups, and aluminum foil and make a delightful holiday centerpiece.

5)  You know that a suspiciously sweet, "Momma, I love you!" really means-------------"I just decorated the wall with your makeup."

_________________________________________

Today------------------------------------------------9/11

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on September 11, 2009, 10:32:25 am
LOL! I still catch myself hummin the Smurf song when I least expect it :P
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 12, 2009, 01:27:42 pm
Today's------------------------------------------------------------

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.  His roommate is longtime resident who looks 100 years old.  The new man looks at the old timer inquiringly.

The old timer says, "Look at me - I'm old and worn out.  I suppose you'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley - I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants all over France."

The new man asked, "Geez, what happened?"

"Well, one day, Riley finally reported his credit cards missing."

____________________________________________

BOOM!  BOOM!  The walls shake, the windows rattle,----------------------------earthquake?  No, space shuttle landing.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on September 12, 2009, 03:04:47 pm
 
 
 
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
 
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
 
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
   
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
 
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.   
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
 
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
   
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
   
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
 
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
 
'Rose! Where are you?'
   
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news,


 and a little bad news.'
 
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
 
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
 
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?'
 
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 
 




 

 

 











 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 12, 2009, 05:06:42 pm
 ;D ;D ;D ;D  Love it!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 13, 2009, 06:52:58 pm
Today's------------------------------------A little late, couldn't sign on this morning.

A young woman meets her elderly retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. 

"What's the matter, child?"  he asks.

"Oh Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend.  He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic."

"There, there, my child.  Here is what you do.  Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites.  That'll bring him around."

Wiping her eyes, the young woman says she'll do just that.  About a year later, they meet again, and again, she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing.
 
"Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks.  "Yes, Father."

"Well, did you explain to him about the church like I told you to."

"Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem.  He was so excited about it that he's studying to become a priest. "                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

______________________________________________

In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future bride, a 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army.  (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973).

______________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 14, 2009, 10:01:45 am
Today's-------------------------------------------------Are you ready, Groaners?

"How's your new pet fish doing?' Hal asked Fred.  "You told me he was really something special."

"To tell you the truth, I'm sort of disappointed with him.  The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird...."

"Wait a minute," Hal said, "you bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it."

"Well," Fred said, somewhat defensively, "after all, he IS a parrot fish."

"I hate to tell you this,"  Hal said, "but while you might be able to teach a parrot BIRD to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot-FISH."

"Aha, that's what you think!  He can sing all right.  The thing is, he is constantly singing off-key.  That's what driving me crazy..............................after all, do you have any idea how hard it is to--------------------------------------------------------------------------

tuna fish?"

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 14, 2009, 10:13:15 am
LOL - I was not expecting that ending.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 14, 2009, 11:09:10 am
HA HA HA!.........that was good!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on September 14, 2009, 02:18:52 pm
That was a big ten on the groan factor list! Ha!  ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on September 14, 2009, 04:34:11 pm
That's a groan and a snicker.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 15, 2009, 09:42:51 am
Today's--------------------------------------------------

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup -- but is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

The doctor said, "Well, that's a big decision.  Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yes, yes I have, and they're in favor of it 15 to 1."

_______________________________________________

Patrick Swayze----------------R.I.P.

_______________________________________________

In 1949, "The Lone Ranger" premiered on ABC television with Clayton Moore as the masked hero and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 16, 2009, 09:20:14 am
Here is one from a friend of mine.

Please enjoy and understand the following
>
>
>    1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
>
>    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
>
>    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
>
>    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
>
>    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>
>    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>
>    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
>
>    8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?
>
>    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>
>    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
>
>    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
>
>    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
>
>    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
>
>    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
>
>    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID  SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?
>
>    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
>
>
>    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>
>    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
>
>    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>
>    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
>
>    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
>
>    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE.
>
>    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
>
>    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
>
>    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
>
>    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
>
>    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
>
>    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
>
>    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
>
>    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
>
>    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
>
>    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
>    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
>
>    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
`
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 16, 2009, 11:41:06 am
This was good, no, great, Judy.  Thanks, I have saved it to show my family.

Today's--------And I am probably gonna hear about this one.

A dietitian was addressing the large audience at a senior center.  "The material," she began, "we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful, vegetables can be dangerous, and none of us realized the germs in our drinking water.  But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we, all of us, eat it."

"Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please................."

The man stood and solemnly declared, "Wedding cake."

______________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Lauren Becall is 85, singer/guitarist B.B. King is 84 and actress Anne Francis is 79

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 17, 2009, 10:55:42 am
Today's-----------------------------------------------a big whoops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, but, officer, I just wanted to say..............."

"And I told you to keep quiet..............you are going to jail."

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be in a good mood when he returns."

"Don't count on it," said the fellow in the cell, "I'm the groom."

_______________________________________________

Mary Travers, an icon of the 1960's, much beloved crooner of Puff the Magic Dragon, and songs where you could understand all the words. Dies at 72. Leaves this life, to go onto a new one.  (This is from another blog I follow, nothing in my paper about it yet.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 18, 2009, 10:34:27 am
Today's-------------------------------this one is for all you teachers.

College students may not always show it on tests, but just how wise they are comes out in other ways.

Consider what happened one day as a linguistics professor was lecturing to his class.  "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.  In some languages though - such as Russian - a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he said emphatically, "there is NO language in which a double positive forms a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

______________________________________________

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

______________________________________________

Today-----------------Frankie Avalon turns 69.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on September 18, 2009, 01:16:14 pm
LOL I like this one :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 19, 2009, 09:40:44 am
Today's----------------------Hey!  Wait just a doggone minute!

A man really loved a woman, but was just too shy to propose to her.

Now he was up in his years, as was she, and neither of them had ever been married.  Although they dated about once a week for the past six years, he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less anything else.

But, one day, he became determined to ask her the question.  So he called her on the phone.

"June?"

"Yes, this is June."

"June, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will!  Who's this?"

__________________________________________

Today-------------actor David McCallum (NCIS) turns 76, singer Bill Medley (Rightous Brothers) is 69 and Adam West (Batman) turns 79.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 19, 2009, 09:56:11 am
I just had to reprint this one.

There is some good things about a brush fire as well as the bad.

From the Associated Press.
by Thomas Watkins

Los Angeles------The wild fire that ravaged the Angeles National Forest has burned one plant species that authorities were happy to see go:  marijuana, lots of it.

The fire destroyed an untold number of marijuana plantations in the forest, a growing hub for pot-growing operations in California.

Three marijuana cultivation areas identified just before the fire are believed to have burned and many more are assumed to have been destroyed.

Sheriff's officials don't know how many plants were in the three burned grow areas.  Because marijuana is grown in a hodgepodge style and the plants are concealed by tall brush, it is hard to gauge from helicopters the size of each grove.  Groves can host anywhere from several hundred to several thousand plants.

And, the article goes on about finding groves and arresting people, etc.

_________________________________________

This brings several questions to mind--  Does this mean the price is gonna go up?  How come when I am hiking in the mountains I never see these things?  How will this affect the local economy?

_________________________________________ 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 20, 2009, 11:17:17 am
Today's------------------------another beautiful Sunday.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi sat discussing the best position for payer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister, "The best results are standing with your hands outstretched to heaven."

"Well, I beg to differ," the rabbi said, "but the best way, and simplest, is with head bowed and eyes closed."

The telephone repairman could not contain himself any longer.  "Hey, fellas,"  he said, "the best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

____________________________________________

Today-------------------------------Singer Gogi Grant is 85, and Actress Anne Meara is 80. and Actress Sophia Loren is 75.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 21, 2009, 09:22:52 am
Today's---------------------Smart, just plain smart.

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.  The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.  He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher, "but in six years it would have been worth $900.  So $900 is what I am out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the rancher.  "Here," he said, "is a check for $900....................
it's postdated six years from now.

_____________________________________________________

Today, Actor Larry Hagman is 78 and Author Steven King is 62.

_____________________________________________________

94 more shopping days until Christmas!  Stores here already have Christmas decorations and Christmas displays ready to go.  (Wait!  Can't we at least get through Halloween and Thanksgiving, first?

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 21, 2009, 10:40:07 am
Wife to Husband " what are you going to do today?"
Husband - "nothing"
Wife - "you done that yesterday"
Husband - "I'm not finished yet"
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: patyrn on September 21, 2009, 11:14:37 am
Perfect......................
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 21, 2009, 08:14:25 pm
A dingy blonde was weedeating in her yard.  She didn't know her cat was hiding in the grass and she accidently cut off it's tail.  She immediately scooped up the cat and the tail and hurried to Wal-Mart.  Why Wal-Mart?  Well Dah, that's the largest retailer in America.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 22, 2009, 07:59:31 am
I did laugh at that..........dingy is right........Thanks Flo.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 22, 2009, 09:14:28 pm
Today's-----------------------------I thought I had posted this earlier.  I guess the gremlins got it.

The other day I was walking with my friend, Eva, who happens to be a psychologist.  "Eva," I said, "I feel like I'm a walking economy."

Eva replied, "What do you mean?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of those are putting me into a deep depression."

________________________________________

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.   (my wife failed to get the memo)

In 1989, Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

_______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 23, 2009, 10:09:55 am
Today's------------------------Ledgible writing is not a required course in medical school.

Mary and Patty were thoroughly confused.  While transcribing medical audiotapes, Patty came upon the following garbled diagnosis;
"This patient has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, Patty double checked with the doctor.

After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled, "This patient," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

____________________________________________

Today--------------------Actor Mickey Rooney turns 89. Singer Julio Iglesias is 66, Actor Paul Peterson (The Donna Reed Show) is 64, and "The Boss" Bruce Springsteen is 60.

____________________________________________


In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 23, 2009, 10:17:54 am


You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

Folks, I don’t write them……

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 24, 2009, 09:32:25 am
Today's-------------------------------------------I don't write them either, especially this one.

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep may safely graze" as the casket was carried out of the church. 

After the service, the minister complemented him on his performance and then said, "Oh, by the way, do you know what the deceased did for a living?"

"No sir, I sure don't," said the organist as he began packing up.

The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Sheila MacRae turns 85.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on September 24, 2009, 09:43:32 am
I like both of the last ones LOL
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on September 24, 2009, 10:47:58 am
I've like all that I read on here, but, Judy, I sat here and laughed till I had tears as I visualized to myself the look that must have been on that cabbie's face.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 25, 2009, 10:02:13 am
Today's-------------------------------------------------------

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.  Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous.  Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry.  And on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
 
"Counselor," replied the Judge sternly, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking for in its entirety.  I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while driving down the freeway at 70 miles per hour."

________________________________________________

Today------------------Barbara Walters turns 80.  Actor Michael Douglas is 65, Actress Cheryl Tiegs is 62, Actor Mark Hamill (Star Wars) is 58, and Actress Heather Locklear is 48.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 25, 2009, 01:05:55 pm

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 25, 2009, 01:09:04 pm


Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a   cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

If you don't send this

To five GOOD friends (As you  can see I made sure more than 5 people saw this) I guess I could have made this a double barrel joke, but I already commited to this one and there you have it. Today you get 2 for 1.  

Right away

There will be

Five fewer people

Smiling in the world.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 26, 2009, 10:00:46 am
Today's---------------------could be a repeat, at least I have seen it before.

A plane was taking off from the airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from California to New York.............The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--------------------------------------OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!---------"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier.  While I was taking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

At that point a passenger yelled, "That's nothing, you should see the BACK of mine."

______________________________________________________

Today................Actress Donna Douglas is 77, Singer Lynn Anderson is 62, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 61 and fitness guru Jack LaLanne is 95.

_______________________________________________

In 1969, "The Brady Bunch" premiered on ABC.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Cheyenne on September 26, 2009, 10:17:22 am
That is a good one!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 27, 2009, 10:10:02 am
Today's----------------------------it must be Sunday

During the somewhat lengthy service, the pastor noticed a middle-aged man fast asleep.  Remaining in the pulpit, the minister, in a normal tone of voice, asked the woman sitting next to the sleeping parishioner to wake him up.

The woman looked up at the minister, shook her head and said, "I think you should wake him up..................You put him to sleep.

________________________________________

Actress Jayne Meadows is 89, Actor Wilford Brimley is 75, and Baseball Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt is 60.

________________________________________

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.


In 1954, "Tonight!", hosted by Steve Allen, made its network debut on NBC-TV.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on September 27, 2009, 04:13:37 pm
Next Tuesday evening Sept. 29th Glen Miller's band is in concert at Salina, Kansas.  My sister, her husband and friends have tickets.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 28, 2009, 09:10:12 am
Today's---------------------------------------out of the mouths of babes.

A shy little 4-year-old came into the dentist for his first cleaning and examination.  Kathy, the hygienist, tried to strike up a conversation, but got no response whatsoever.

After the cleaning, Lisa, the dentist was called over to perform the examination.  Lisa tried to strike up a conversation as well, "How old are you?" she asked.  No response.

She then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"  Immediately four fingers went up.

"Oh," replied Lisa, "and do you know how old that is?"

Once again, four little fingers went up.  Continuing in her effort to get a verbal response, Lisa inquired, "Can't you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked her straight in the eye and asked indignantly,  "Can't you count?"

_________________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Bridget Bardot turns 75 and singer Ben E. King is 71

__________________________________________________________

In 1066, William the Conqueror (my ancestor) invaded England to claim the English Throne,.

In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.

__________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 28, 2009, 10:35:38 am
So how are you related to William?  That's neat.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on September 28, 2009, 11:57:22 am
RE:  Judy's post about the farmer's donkey that fell in a well?  Seems to me just a case of a smart ass.  I am surprised that nobody else picked up on this.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 28, 2009, 12:42:40 pm
Diane, it is not a direct line relationship.  Way back before dirt, one of the Norse Vikings landed in Normandy and took over.  In his family line down through the years, there was marriages and William and an in-law (I am probably getting this all wrong without looking it up) Eudo decided that the throne of England was rightfully Williams and so they sailed from Normandy to England and waged war and William was crowned king.  After him, there were more marriages and in those times, a woman could not pass on property to her heirs directly and those properties were given to a male relative or in-law.  Out of all this came the FitzRandolph family of which Edward FR emigrated to America in the 1620's.  The vikings name was Rolf, Raulph, Rollo, and Ranouf ---- take your pick, but the name FitzRandolph was descended from him.  Edward is my direct ancestor.  One of the FitzRandolph women moved with her father and mother to NW Pennsylvania where she married an Andrews.  They had two sons of which Amos was one and he moved to Elk County in the 1880's and is buried in Grace Lawn along with his wife.  He was my great-grandfather. 

More than you wanted to know, I bet.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 28, 2009, 03:30:32 pm
Exactly what I wanted to know, thanks!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 28, 2009, 03:47:31 pm
WAIT!!! There is more.  One of the FitzRandolphs was Nathaniel.  The FitzRandolphs had moved to New Jersey to establish their own religion and Nathaniel owned some land which he donated to Princeton University.  There is a gate at Princeton named in honor of Nathaniel FitzRandolph and at one time his remains were entombed in the library there.  I think that library was torn down and his remains along with other were moved to a cemetery.  I only brought this up because it is close to you.

Second point:  There are other forum members who are also descendants of the FitzRandolphs such as Mom70x7 and Crleonard.  And maybe a couple I can't think of right now.

BTW, the religion established was the Seventh Day Baptist church.  I have seen references somewhere that they were like or closely associated with the Quakers. 

Such a wealth of information! 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on September 28, 2009, 04:02:59 pm
Larry, I hope you don't mind me posting this here.
A
> married couple is driving along a highway doing a
> steady
> 60
> miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband
> suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
> 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
> want a divorce.'
>
> The wife says nothing,
> Keeps
> looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed
> to
> 65
> mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to
> try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because
> I've been having an affair with your best friend, And
> she's a far better lover than you
> are.'
>
> Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel
> more tightly and slowly increases the speed
> to
> 75
> He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says
> insistently..
>
> Up to
> 80.
> 'I want the car, too,' he
> continues.
>
> 85
> mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank
> accounts, all the credit cards and the
> boat!'
>
> The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
> bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her,
> 'Isn't there anything you want?'
>
> The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
> 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
> 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you
> got?'
>
> Just before they slam into the wall at
> 85
> mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The
> airbag.'
>
>
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 28, 2009, 04:33:20 pm
Thanks to you both.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 28, 2009, 05:36:47 pm
I have no problem with anyone posting here.  The only requirement is that it has to be funny or least if you think it is funny. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 29, 2009, 10:47:25 am
Today's--------------------------------------what a letdown!

Put in charge of organizing her friend's baby shower, Kim decided to send out invitations via e-mail.  To let her husband know that he had babysitting duty that day, she entered his name on the "copy to" line.

Within minutes of sending the messages, Kim received an e-mail back from her husband -- "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me."

He was referring to the "subject line" of Kim's message, which read, "Lunch and a shower."

____________________________________________________

Today---------Actor Steve Forrest is 85, Actress Anita Ekberg is 78, and my fave-Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 74.

____________________________________________________

Personal story----Last night, my wife and I decided that we wanted to get some dinner from a local chicken place.  So I went there  and in ordering, the young teenage girl asked me my name as that is how they call you when your order is ready.  So, being in my usual humorous mood, I told her my name and added, "or you can just say, 'hey, you', just don't call me late for dinner."  I know, so 20th century.  Anyway, she responded by suggesting Pancho and a few other names.  This girl has a sense of humor.  Anyway, I told her we had recently acquired a small chihuahua/Pomeranian mix dog and were having a hard time coming up with a name.  SO, we named it RAMBO giving a 4 pound dog ---when wet---a fierce sounding name.  She looked at me and smiled, then turned and proceeded to get my order ready.  It occurred to me that she hadn't been born when the movie came out and didn't know who RAMBO was, or least didn't make the connection.  This is sad!

Sadder still, when I call the dog ---"Here, RAMBO"  he cocks his head and gives that "you're kidding me with that name, right?" look on his face.

_______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on September 29, 2009, 02:22:23 pm
Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
                                   
Wonder no more!!!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:   

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
                       
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

 

You really didn’t believe that I know a damn thing about penguins, did you?

   ::) ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on September 30, 2009, 06:06:37 am
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
 
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
 
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
 
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.   She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

 Have a wonderful day and God Bless



   








 










Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 30, 2009, 09:29:54 am
An image is worth a thousand words!!!   This is great.  Thanks ;D ;D ;D ;D

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 30, 2009, 11:26:43 am
Today's-------------------------------------

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he doesn't care for Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge informs him that he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened up, and they deliver.  Obtaining the phone number, the business man goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.  The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.  He asks the delivery man, "Oh my, what did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered--------------------pepper only."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In memoriam, in 1955, Actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car crash near Cholame, CA.

In 1939, the first college football game to be televised was shown on experimental station W2XBS in New York as Fordham University defeated Waynesburg College 34-7.



______________________________________________

Today--------------Actress Angie Dickinson is 78, Singer Cissy Houston is 76, Singer Johnny Mathis is 74, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 66.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 01, 2009, 10:51:10 am
Today's---------------------------------------and don't admit that you have done this.

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him.  "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh no..................oh, well, don't worry about it," consoled her husband, "remember, I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know, and it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes and regaining her composure, "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

____________________________________________

Today----------------former President Jimmy Carter is 85, Pianist Roger Williams is 85, Actor Tom Bosley is 82, Actress Julie Andrews is 74, and actress Stella Stevens is 71.


____________________________________________


In 1908, Henry Ford introduced his Model T automobile to the market.

In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring magnitude 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Warph on October 01, 2009, 10:25:41 pm

Here's one for you, Larry.....


A U.S. Marine  squad was marching north of  Fallujah when they came  upon an Iraqi  terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road  was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
 
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was  heavily armed and  moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
 
We saw each other and both  took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein  was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he  yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot.
 
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling,  “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
 
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit  us.”




By the way.... I was told that today makes five weeks that Teddy's been sober.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 01, 2009, 11:47:54 pm
Well, that eclipses my record, darn it.

Your made me remember this one.

World War 1 and there is a Scottish regiment in a trench facing an equally sized German force in the opposing trench.  Nothing is happening, it is a stalemate.  Finally, one enterprising Scotsman asks his commander, "sir, what is a common German name?"  The commander answers, "Well, I guess 'Hans' would be as good as any."

So the Scotsman goes down the trench a little ways and hollers, "Hey, Hans!"  "Ya" comes an answer as a German stands to see who is calling him.  The Scotsman aims and fires, killing the German.  He then moves down the trench a little farther and calls out, "Hey Hans!" and the result is the same as the first time.  This goes on for a while and finally a German goes to his commander and asks him what a common Scottish name is.  The German commander replies, "well, I guess that would be Ian."  So the German goes down the trench and hollers out, "Hey, Ian!" 

"Is that you, Hans?"  "Ya!"  Bam--Bam.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on October 02, 2009, 08:23:17 am
You got a laugh out loud......Larry, thanks!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 02, 2009, 10:34:54 am
Today's----------------------------------

A Stanford medical research group advertised for participants in a study of "obsessive-compulsive disorder."

Specifically, the group was looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder, and the response was, indeed, gratifying.  The group received 376 responses the very day the ad came out------------all from the same individual.

__________________________________________________

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts" created by Charles M. Schulz was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1959, Rod Serling's "The Twilight Zone" made its debut on CBS-TV with the episode "Where is Everybody?" starring Earl Holliman.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverley Hills, CA, at age 59 after battling AIDS.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 03, 2009, 10:15:50 am
Today's-----------------------------more husband bashing-----------------

The wheel of the grocery cart was making a horrible screeching sound as the patron rolled it through the supermarket.

Nonetheless, when she finished her shopping and saw a woman apparently looking for a cart, she offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"Oh, that's OK," the woman said, "I have a husband at home just like that."

__________________________________________________

(True Story-----------We were shopping in a supermarket one time and had a very noisy cart.  So I wheeled it over to the hardware aisle, grabbed a can of WD-40 and gave the wheels a quick shot and put the can back, and VOILA!  no more noise.)

__________________________________________________

Today----Author Gore Vidal is 84, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 60 and Al Sharpton is 55.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on October 03, 2009, 01:17:54 pm
 
 






 F16 vs. C-130

 A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
 The jet jockey decided to show off.
 
  The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
 Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
 With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
 Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
   
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
 The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
 Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
 When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
 
Us older folks understand this one.
   
     
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 




 
 
 
 



 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pepelect on October 04, 2009, 02:07:27 am
 ???
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 04, 2009, 09:40:09 am
Pep, you missed the last line of the joke.  The one about older folks.  You ain't there yet.  I once told a older, veteran co-worker that when I grew up, I wanted to be just like him.  He looked at me and said, "Well, you appear to be grown up and---------------
You didn't make it."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 04, 2009, 10:12:45 am
Today's-----------------------------------It's Sunday with a chance of a light drizzle.

The Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right, children, let's take another example." she said.  "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Luke raised his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy" created by Chester Gould made its debut.

In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Los Angeles hotel room.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 05, 2009, 05:02:45 pm
Today's----------------------------Just remember I don't write them.

A very attractive woman carrying a stack of boxes after a lengthy shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong gust of wind lifted her skirt.

A fellow standing nearby took a long and thorough look and smiled broadly.

The woman, of course, noticed and snapped at him, "Well, I can certainly see that you are no gentleman!"

The guy, still smiling, said, "Yep, and I can see you aren't one either!"

________________________________________________

In 1892, The Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.

________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Cheyenne on October 05, 2009, 08:22:08 pm
Tacky....but funny!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on October 05, 2009, 08:54:55 pm
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a knot hole in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting  '14....14.....14'...

Ha! Ha!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 05, 2009, 10:26:09 pm
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ouch!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 06, 2009, 09:31:57 am
HA!  good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Today's-----------------------------is this McGiver?

Jill had been thinking about coloring her hair.  One day while going through a magazine, she came across an ad for a hair coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair in a shade she liked.

Wanting a second opinion, she asked her husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

He took the magazine, looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out, and studied it again.  "Just great, babe."

________________________________________________

In 1989, Actress Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 06, 2009, 09:55:53 am
LOLOLOLOL!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 07, 2009, 03:01:32 pm
Today's-------------------------------------------ouch!

Harry, a retired gentleman volunteers to entertain residents at convalescent homes and patients in hospitals by taking his karaoke machine with him.

At one performance, he told some well-worn stories and sang a number of songs.  When he finished, he bid the folks farewell and said, "I do hope you get better soon."

One elderly man yelled from the back, "We hope you get better, too!"

___________________________________________


Today--------Singer Al Martino is 82, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 66, and Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 62.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 07, 2009, 03:03:43 pm
Don't let aging get you down. It's too darned hard to get back up!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 08, 2009, 11:52:50 am
Ain't that the truth!

Today's---------------------------------------------Have anyone done this?

After starting her new diet, Jan altered her drive to work to avoid passing her favorite bakery.

She accidentally drove by the bakery the other morning and as she approached, there in the window was a host of goodies.

Jan felt this was no accident, so she prayed, "Lord, it's up to you.  If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking space for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

_________________________________________________

Today---------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 73, the Rev. Jesse Jackson  is 68, and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 60.

In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 09, 2009, 12:42:06 pm
Today's----------------------------------------------------

Struggling to make ends meet, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $325 dress she has purchased.

"Really, honey, how could you do this?"

"Well, I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window and then I found myself trying it on," she explained.  "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'you look fabulous in the dress!  Buy it!' "

"For Heaven's sake," the pastor replied, "you must realize that I, too, am faced with temptations every day and I confront it by saying, 'Get thee behind me, Satan.' "

"Well, that's exactly what I did," she said, "and Satan said, 'it looks fabulous from back here, too!"

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 10, 2009, 09:31:14 am
Today's--------------------------Most likely a repeat, at least, I have heard it before and have told it many times.

A woman walked up to the smiling, frail, wrinkled little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"Pardon me, but I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said, "Tell me, what's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"Don't know for sure, but I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," the snaggle-toothed fellow said, adding, "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty, fried foods and never exercise."

"Wow!  That's amazing," exclaimed the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-three," he said.

____________________________________________

Today----------Former Illinois Senator Adlai Stevenson III is 79, entertainer Ben Vereen is 63, and country singer Tanya Tucker is 51.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 11, 2009, 10:47:09 am
Today's---------------------------sounds about right.

Amy, a Sunday school teacher, was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She describes how Elijah built the altar, put wood on it, cut the steer in pieces and laid them on the altar.  And then, Amy said, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar.  She told the class that Elijah had them do this four times.

"Now," Amy said, "can anyone tell me why the Lord would instruct Elijah to have the people pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room stood up and waved her hand.  "I know!  I know!"  she said excitedly, "it was to make the gravy!"

___________________________________________

Today----------------In 1809, just over three years after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition ended, Meriwether Lewis was found dead at age 35 in a Tenessee inn, an apparent suicide.

In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington, D. C.

In 1979, Allan McLeod Cormack and Godfrey Newbold Hounsfield were named co-recipients of the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their work in developing the CAT scan X-ray.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 11, 2009, 11:01:55 am
y'know Larry I like readin the trivia you include as much as the jokes!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 11, 2009, 11:48:42 am
Just do it to have fun and jog a few memories now and then.  It's fun and informative.  I like to add birthdays of those in my age group so others can say, "wow, look how old that guy is!  OH WAIT!  We're the same age!"

Personal story-------------Many years ago, well, maybe 12 years ago, my wife and I bought tickets to see Neil Diamond at the Forum here in LA.  We have always been big fans of his, but had never been to one of his concerts.  As we were walking from the car towards the Forum, we were watching others who were attending the concert.  My wife, bless her heart, made the comment, and I swear this is the truth, "Larry, look how old these people are!"  Then she looked at me and we both started laughing so hard we had to stop and rest before going on.  Those people were probably looking at us and saying the same thing.

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 11, 2009, 01:11:01 pm
 l, I know what you mean....we went to see Ted Nugent a couple years ago and it was funny...a bunch of chunky 40 somethings rockin out lol although my daughter was one of about 4 teenagers LOL
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on October 11, 2009, 01:47:12 pm
Willy Nelson played a casino near here awhile back, but I didn't go cause I didn't want to see how old I have gotten!  ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Dee Gee on October 11, 2009, 04:04:13 pm
Don't let this happen to you.

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 12, 2009, 09:32:10 am
Today's---------I get confused sometimes whether the joke is a repeat or I have maybe heard it before, but I think this was on the forum before.  However, I do know that there is someone who hasn't seen it.

A nice, calm, respectable lady went to the pharmacy, asked for the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I want to buy some cyanide."

The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it for my husband."

The pharmacist, obviously quite shocked, exclaimed, "My word, I can't sell you cyanide to give to your husband - that's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw us both in jail!  All kinds of bad thing will happen - absolutely not!  You can't have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, that's different...........you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

___________________________________________________________

Today----In 1492, Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.

In 1870, Gen. Robert E. Lee died in Lexington VA., at age 63.

In 1960, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev disrupted a U.N. General Assembly session by pounding his desk with a shoe when a speaker criticized his country.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 12, 2009, 10:02:08 am
BOTH good ones DeeGee and Larry LOLOL!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 13, 2009, 10:41:47 am
Today's--------this is like a "my dad is bigger than your dad."

Three mothers were sitting around comparing verbal notes on the exemplary offspring.

"There's never has been a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Hawkinsprout with a sniff.  "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Marina Del Mar."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Whippenstich proudly.  "every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons - in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Shinsplintz sat back with a proud smile.  "Nobody, but nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does - nobody."

"So, just what does Jackie do?" asked the others, turning to her.

"Well, three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city and pays him $150 an hour ---- just to talk about me!"

______________________________________________

Today------former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 84, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 68, Actress Pamela Tiffen is 67, Country Singer Lacy J. Dalton is 63, and Marie Osmond turns 50.

_____________________________________________

Today, in 1974, longtime television host Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72.

_______________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Cheyenne on October 13, 2009, 06:29:48 pm
good one!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 14, 2009, 05:13:37 pm
Today's--------------------------------delayed to the ineptitude of the person who arises before me and brings in the paper.  I can't find it so this is from the archives.  She will be chastised upon arrival from work---------------------INLAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.

They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Aw, let's forget it," the man finally gasped, "We'll never get this inside."

The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "Inside?"

_____________________________________________________
Due to the non-existent newspaper, there will be no trivia or birthdays listed today. Sorry.

________________________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 15, 2009, 09:12:31 am
Today's---------------------with much chagrin, she was able to bring the paper to me today.  I could not find any noodles to punish her with.

Jennifer, a photographer for a daily newspaper, was assigned to get photos of a gigantic wild fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so she frantically called her boss to have him hire a plane.

"It'll be waiting for you at the airport," he advised her.  As soon as she got to the small, rural airport, sure enough there was a plane, engine running, sitting near the runway.  She jumped in with her equipment and yelled, "Let's go. Let's go!"

Without even looking at her, the fellow put aside his manual, turned the plane into the wind and they were quickly airborne.

"Fly over the north side of the fire!" she commanded him, adding, "And make three or four low-level passes!"

"What on earth for?" asked the man nervously.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" she said in exasperation.  "I'm a photographer, that's what photographers do," she hollered at him

After a brief pause, the pilot turned and looked at her and stammered, "So---So----you're telling me you aren't the instructor?"

________________________________________________________

Today_________Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 85, Singer Barry McGuire is 74, Actress Linda Lavin is 72, Actress-Director Penny Marshall is 67, and Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York is 50.

_______________________________________________________

In 1917, Dutch dancer, Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.

In 2004, the FDA ordered that all antidepressants carry strong warnings that they "increase the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior " in children who take them.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on October 15, 2009, 05:37:27 pm
That would make a good sketch, Larry.

Funny!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 16, 2009, 01:40:43 pm
Today's---------------------------another "ouch."


Chatting with her next-door neighbor, Sherry said, "I have to tell you.  I feel really good.  I have started off the day with an act of unselfish generosity.............I gave $20 to a no-good, lazy bum."

"You gave a bum $20?  That's a lot money to be handing out like that................What on earth did your husband say?" her neighbor asked.

"He said, 'Thank you, dear!"

______________________________________

In 1793, during the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, was beheaded.

In 1859, radical abolitionist, John Brown led a group of 21 men in a raid on Harper's Ferry in western Virginia, where  they seized a U.S. arsenal in hopes of sparking a slave revolt.  (In the siege that followed, 10 of Brown's men were killed and five escaped.  Brown and his followers ended up being captured and all were executed.)


____________________________________________

Today------Actress Suzanne Sommers is 63 and Actress Angela Landsbury is 84.

___________________________________________



Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 17, 2009, 10:44:16 am
Today's-------------------I've heard it before.

A woman went to a pet store and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that read $30.

"Why so inexpensive?" she asked. The pet store owner said, "Look, lemme' be honest here.  This bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes --- oftentimes  ---  he can blurt out some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman considered this, but decided because of the price, she'd get the bird anyway.  She took him home and set him in the living room.  The bird looked around, then at her and said, "Ah, new house, new madam!" 

The woman was a tad shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That really isn't so bad."

When her two teenage daughters came home from school, the bird looked at them and said, "Ah, new house, new hookers."  The women were a bit offended, but then chuckled at the inference.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Wayne, came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said, "Hiya, Wayne, how're ya doin'?"

____________________________________________

In 1979, Mother Teresa of India was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1989, an earthquake measuring magnitude 7.1 struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing  $6 billion worth of damage.  (The quake hit just before Game 3 of the World Series between the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants at Candlestick Park; the series was suspended until Oct. 27, at which time the A's resumed their four-game sweep of the Giants.)


In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.  (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939).

In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

______________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 18, 2009, 09:17:45 am
Today's----------------------------------------Good Sunday morning!

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question.  "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air.  "He is an artist!" said kindergartner Enrique.

"Really?  How do you know?" the teacher asked.  "Well, you know -- Our Father, who does art in Heaven......."

Just then another hand shot up in the air.  "If that's so, then He -- God -- must be left-handed!" Leslie deduced.

The Sunday school teacher asked Leslie what made her think that.  She replied, "I think the Bible says that 'Jesus ascended into Heaven and sitteth at the right hand of God the Father.'   So, if God does art in Heaven, then he must be left-handed!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1867, The United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia..

 In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, NJ, at age 84.

In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, MO., at age 97.

___________________________________________________

Today----------Rock-n-roller Chuck Berry is 83, Actress Pam Dawber is 59, Tennis hall-of-famer Martina Navratilova is 53, Actress Erin Moran (Happy Days) is 51, and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island) is 71.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 19, 2009, 09:31:42 am
Today's-----------------------------------------whoops-----

Each year the company conducts a training session in the conference room of the same hotel.  When the company was informed that it would not be able to reserve its usual location, Steve's assistant, Denise, spent many hours on the phone, trying to work out alternative arrangements.

Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into the conference room adjoining Steve's office.  "Great news, Steve!" she announced.  "We're getting our regular room at the hotel."

All eyes were on Denise and Steve as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.

________________________________________________

In 1781, British troops under General Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, VA., as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman signed an act formally ending the state of war with Germany.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 20, 2009, 07:56:26 pm
Today's-----------------------------------running a little late, it's been a busy day.

Laurie and Luanna are especially close girlfriends which affords them the luxury of being totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I've never looked worse," she whined.

"Oh yes you have!" her friend replied.

________________________________________

In 1994, actor Burt Lancaster died in Los Angeles at age 80.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 21, 2009, 09:11:01 am
Today's--------------------------------------Maybe should post in the commercials thread ;D

A married couple awoke early one Saturday morning to find their young daughter standing at their bedside.  As was customary, she eagerly brought the morning paper to her parents room.  However, this particular morning, she had brought more than just the morning paper.

Proudly, she handed both her mother and father their personal coffee cups, grinning with pride at her resourcefulness and thoughtfulness.

As they each thankfully took their cups, they found not coffee, but six little green plastic army men, carefully arranged in each cup.

Curious, her mother asked the obvious.

Beaming with pride at having gone to such lengths to brighten her parents' morning, the little cherub replied, "Mommy, everybody knows that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!" ::)

_______________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Joyce Randolph is 85, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 69. and Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy) is 67.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 21, 2009, 09:49:57 am
 :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 22, 2009, 03:01:35 pm
Today's-----------------------------------------Well, Okaaaaaay?!!


Two sisters came home from school crying their hearts out.

"What's wrong?" asked their mother, quite concerned.  Iris, the first sister, started wailing, "The kids at school make fun of my big feet."

"There, there," the mother said, "Your feet aren't that big."

She turned to Irene, the second sister, "Now, why are you crying, my dear?"

"Because I've been invited to a ski party and I don't have any skis."

"Listen, it's OK, dry your eyes." her mother said, "You can borrow your sister's shoes."

_____________________________________________________

In 1746, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.

In 1836, San Houston was inaugurated as the first constitutionally elected president of the Republic of Texas.

______________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 92, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 71, Actress Annette Funicello is 67, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 66 and actor Jeff Goldblum is 57.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Cheyenne on October 22, 2009, 04:18:49 pm
 ;D cruel but funny
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 23, 2009, 09:26:45 am
Today's-------------------------------------Hard to type on the laptop with the pomchi laying across your lap.

During a software design meeting, employees were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming that was ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What, exactly, is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

_________________________________________________________

Yesterday, Soupy Sales, commedian, died at age 83.

In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 24, 2009, 04:31:53 pm
Today's-------------------------------------could have been a senior moment----

"I'd like to know where my paper is!" said the irate customer calling the newspaper office, demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper support employee, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!"

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, dang, that's why no one was at church today."

____________________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actor David Nelson is 73 and Actor Kevin Kline is 63.

_______________________________________________

In 1901, widow Anna Edson became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 24, 2009, 04:49:44 pm
It's a shame about Soupy Sales. I understand he was partially eaten by White Tooth and Black Fang. Ya gotta remember to feed the old animals too. ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 25, 2009, 12:05:48 pm
Today's-----------------------------------there is no "today's" due to a printing error.

However, I would like to reprint this as I found it interesting.

This is from Robert Rector, a former editor with the Pasadena Star-News and the Los Angeles Times,

It is entitled-----------HEY DUDE, WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?  YOU KNOW:  WHATEVER!

In a recent poll conducted by Marist College, nearly half of Americans - 47 percent - said they find "whatever" the most annoying word or phrase in use today.

Twenty-five percent said they found "you know" most grating.  11 percent can't stand "it is what it is."  7 percent would like to ban "anyway" from all verbal exchanges, and 2 percent reported that they could do without hearing "at the end of the day."

I disagree.  "Whatever" has evolved into what is clearly one of the most useful words in the English language today, a word of such economy and impact that it's appropriate for almost any occasion.

Consider these definitions, some of which are found in the Urban Dictionary.

Used in an argument, you can admit that you are wrong without actually admitting it.  ("So the Pope isn't Italian.  Whatever.)

It is passive-aggressive behavior at it's most eloquent.  (She: "If you leave me, I'll kill myself!"  He: "Whatever.")

It is often used to dismiss someone when it is clear that rational discussion would be a waste of time.  ("Don't tell me you believe in that evolution stuff!  the Bible clearly states that the Earth is 6,000 years old!"  "Whatever, go bother someone else."

It is the most annoying thing that your girlfriend can say.  ("Hey, would you like to get dinner, see a movie, then perhaps go back to my place?"  "Whatever."

It's a phrase that can be used to indicate complete apathy.  (Teacher:  "Who was Plato?"  Student:  "Mickey Mouse's dog."  No, he was a Greek philosopher."  Student:  "Whatever."

The term has more uses than a Swiss army knife.

By my yardstick, there are a lot more irritating phrases contributing to word pollution out there.

Take, for instance, the phrase, "What's the good word?" What are you supposed to reply?  "Joblessness?"  "Afghanistan?"  Schwarzenegger?"  On rare occasions, you could actually reply with a good word like "Hawaii" or "raise."  Better yet, answer it with "it is what it is."  that will stop the conversation dead in its tracks.

How about "No problem." This has somehow replaced "you're welcome" although it's a lot better than "no sweat" which was in vogue some time ago.  George Carlin used to mock the phrase this way:  "Thanks for helping me bring the dead babies up from the cellar.:  "No problem."

"Awesome"makes my list. I have yet to hear it uttered by anyone who fits the definition of the word, "inspiring awe."

I don't know how "sucks" made it into everyday polite conversation, but it has.  In fact, it is now the most sincere expression of sympathy going.  (My dog died and I'm in foreclosure."  "Man, that sucks."

But No. 1 on my hit list is "dude."  Originally used to describe a dandy in Victorian England, it has somehow found its way into everyday conversation thanks to the stoners, surfers and skateboarders who often use it three times in one sentence.  ("I was at the mall the other day, dude, and there was this hot chick and I went up to her and dude, I was like.............. dude ............"

If that's not distressing enough, the youth of our country are already at work crafting a new set of cliches

UCLA has compiled a dictionary called, naturally enough,  "UCLA Slang" which attempts to categorize the language of the campus.

Successful submissions had to be unlikely to appear in a conventional dictionary.  If the words and phrases also have the potential to puzzle parents, so much the better.

"Destroy," for instance means the opposite of what you would think:  to do well on something like a test.

Verbs morph into nouns, as in "epic fail," now slang for "what a mistake!"  Nouns also become adjectives, with "Obama" now used as slang for "cool or rad," as in "You just aced that exam - you are so Obama!"

The lingo of texting provided such visual entries as "QQ," an  emoticon similar to a smiley face that, in this instance, stands for the verb "to cry."

Taking the first initials of a common phrase can result in a catchy initialism such as I.D.K., which is slang for "I don't know."  Once those initials start being pronounced as a full blown word, they've evolved into an acronym like FOMO, which stands for "fear of missing out."

Whatever.  ;D

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 25, 2009, 12:50:05 pm
That's cool dude! ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 25, 2009, 03:51:25 pm
Whatever----it is what it is.    Dude.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 26, 2009, 09:12:42 am
Today's---------------------is a repeat, a recent repeat and I won't post it again, so back to the archives.


An elderly widow was celebrating her 100 years of life at a party given by her 14 children.

One of her presents was some hearing aids as she had been very hard of hearing all of her life.

Later, one of her daughters came to visit and asked how she was doing with the new hearing aids.  The old woman replied, "They are really great!  I have never heard so well in my life.  I wish I would have had them much earlier in my life."

"Why is that?" the daughter asked.

"Well," the elderly woman replied, "Your father used to come to bed and ask me, 'Do you want to go to sleep or what?"  And I always said, "What?"

(14 kids)

_______________________________________________

Today--------------------Actress Jaclyn Smith is 64,TV Host Pat Sajak is 63, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is 62.

________________________________________________

In 1881, The Gunfight at the O.K. corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz., as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang.  Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.

In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared that  "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.

In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 27, 2009, 10:28:04 am
Today's---------------------------------------paper back to normal-------

Les' brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to Lieutenant Commander.

We -- neighbors, friends and family -- were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns. 

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

___________________________________________________

Today---------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 89. Actress Ruby Dee is 85,  and Country singer Lee Greenwood is 67.

_________________________________________________

In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn; "nylon"

In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 28, 2009, 09:47:47 am
Today's-------------------------------------------Maybe the name should be changed to Warph.

Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.  On the second hole, he drove another brand-new ball into a lake.  On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball,"  Morris replied.

________________________________________________

Today-------Actress Joan Plowright is 80, Singer Charlie Daniels is 73, Actor Dennis Franz is 65 and Actress Telma Hopkins is 60.

_______________________________________________

In 1886, The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 29, 2009, 10:27:30 am
Today's----------------------------------good point.


"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people.

"Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, and walk two miles.  I"m fit as a fiddle!  And you may want to know why.  Well, I'll tell you.  I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't eat junk foods, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And, tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!L"

"Oh really?" drawled one of the onlookers,

"How?"

__________________________________________________

Today------------------------Singer Melba Moore is 64, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 62, Actress Kate Jackson is 61.

___________________________________________________

In 1929, known as "Black Tuesday," Wall Street crashed, heralding the beginning of the Great Depression.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on October 29, 2009, 04:12:50 pm
 
 

            An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem to concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boys’ room and put four objects on his desk—a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

            “I’ll just hide behind the door, and when he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up,” said the preacher to himself.  “If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher, like me, and what a blessing that would be.  If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

            “But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and what a shame that would be.  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

            The old man waited anxiously, and soon hear his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.  The boy tossed his school books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the desk.

            With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

            Finally, the boy picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  And he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as he admired this month’s centerfold.  “Lord have mercy,” the old preacher thought to himself.  “He’s gonna run for Congress.”



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 30, 2009, 01:37:53 pm
Today's-------------------------------whoops.

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was unfaithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."

Being a man of the '90s, and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.  He sent following e-mail to his wife's lover.

Sir.  It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.  So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply.

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning.  Please be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your company's auditorium.

__________________________________________________

Today-----------------------------Rock singer Grace Slick is 70, Actor Henry Winkler is 64 and songwriter Eddie Holland is 70.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamsback on October 30, 2009, 02:05:24 pm
LOLOLOL, now that's funny  ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on October 30, 2009, 02:21:39 pm
 

Telephone Instructions from Rx:
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call 30 times before he would even answer the phone.'
 
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.   Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing of the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.' 'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
 
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 



 
 
 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on October 30, 2009, 07:40:35 pm
Jo
That has me laughing out loud and grinning wishing I had someone to share it with. No I am not going to copy and forward.
Been on the 'puter all day (just about) and am ready to change chairs at least.......may find something to watch on tv.
Think there is ice-skating on that will do.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on October 30, 2009, 08:55:25 pm
Judy, there is also basketball, but the music with the skating wins the decision.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on October 31, 2009, 08:50:53 am
That is why I turned it on. Fell asleep to it, so went to bed at Nine........I really am
getting to act like an old woman..............I did watch the Dog Whisperer, too
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 31, 2009, 11:13:09 am
Today's-----------------appropriate because it's Halloween, probably could be disgusting to some.

For weeks Frank had been grumbling to his wife, Maureen, about having to go to a Halloween party.  Maureen was adamant ---  they were going. to the party.

The grumbling persisted, but she ignored his antics and had no idea what sort of costume he'd get.  As party time approached she admonished him that he had better get upstairs, put on his costume and a happy face (because they were going to have a good time, period.)

It was time to go and Frank hadn't made an appearance.  Muttering to herself as she climbed the stairs, she opened the bedroom door and her mouth dropped open in shock.  There was Frank with nothing ---- nothing on but a pair of roller skates.

"What ARE you doing?" she asked incredulously.

"Who?  Me?"  he asked.  "I ready to go ---- this is my costume  ----


"I'm going as a pull toy!"

____________________________________________

In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis resulting from a ruptured appendix.

In 1959, a former Marine showed up at the U.S. Embassy in Moscow to renounce his American citizenship.  His name:  Lee Harvey Oswald.

In 1968, President Lyndon Johnson ordered a halt to all U.S. bombing of North Vietnam saying he hoped for fruitful peace talks.     (Writer's comment-------HA!)

____________________________________________

Today------------Actress Lee Grant is 82, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 78, Actress Sally Kirkland is 68, Actress Diedre Hall is 61 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 59.

___________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 01, 2009, 10:02:52 am
Today's--------------------------------------------Was she blond?

It was late one night in the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve were having a disagreement.  Adam had stayed out several nights in a row and Eve was not happy.

"I'll bet you are running around with other women,"  she exclaimed.

"For Heaven's sake, Eve, be reasonable," Adam countered.  "How could I be running around with someone else when you are the only woman on the planet?"

Eve did not have a reply to that.

A short time later, Adam fell asleep.  He was awakened early in the morning hours by Eve poking him in the side.

"What are you doing?" Adam asked sleepily.

Eve replied, "I'm counting your ribs."

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Betsy Palmer is 83, Actress Barbara Bosson is 70, Actress Marsha Wallace is 67.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 02, 2009, 09:52:31 am
Today's----------------------------------------AAAARRRRGHHH


When Zachary and Rosemary brought their newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, Rosemary said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"Actually, no," the doctor replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."

"So, what do you say to the other?" Zachary asked.

"He looks just like you."

___________________________________________________________

Today---------R&B singer Earl "Speedo" Carroll (The Cadillacs, The Coasters) is 72, Singer Jay Black (Jay and the Americans) is 71, Actress Stephanie Powers is 67, and Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 64.


___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 03, 2009, 09:56:54 am
Today's----------------------------------good one


SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE BOUGHT A LEMON----------------------------------------------

1.  As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile on his face and high-five the salesman.

2.  You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a speed dial designation for Moe's towing service.

3.  The booster cables aren't in the trunk, but permanently soldered to the battery.

4.  The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5.  You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

6.  As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

7.  When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway.  As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

8.  The little "Service Engine" warning light in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."

________________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Ken Barrry is 76,  Movie composer John Barry is 76, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 63, Singer Lulu is 61 and comedienne Roseanne Barr is 57.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 04, 2009, 09:43:06 am
Today's-----------------------------------------Down! R.A.M.B.O.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, Boss?" the clerk said excitedly.  "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long."

"Do you mean that repulsive salmon and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"Yessir, that's the one."

"That's great!" the manager exclaimed.  "I didn't think we'd ever get rid of that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had.  But, tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

___________________________________________________

Today------Actress Loretta Swift is 72, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 63, and Actress Markie Post is 59.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on November 04, 2009, 09:58:48 am
Larry, I needed that one after so many depressing posts this morning.  Thank you.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: flo on November 04, 2009, 12:08:57 pm
if anyone read that and didn't smile, they certainly have got problems.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 04, 2009, 01:32:14 pm
Please Note:  R.A.M.B.O., being the egotistical little bas------------mutt that he is, has insisted that is time for some sort of illustration under the name.  I was going to post one of my granddaughter, but he insisted it should be him.  And, because Wilma, among others, have posted pictures of their pets, it is only fitting that his picture should be there.  I am not responsible for this decision.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 04, 2009, 01:35:55 pm
That's a dog? ;)
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 04, 2009, 01:45:03 pm
I am trying to shut down the computer or change to another thread before he comes back in.  He will be highly offended by your remark and may take it out on me.  My arms are already scarred from his overzealous playful biting.  I would hate to see him when he is really ticked.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 04, 2009, 01:51:21 pm
He would be cute with a little itty bitty dog sled, but you don't have any snow do ya?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 04, 2009, 01:58:34 pm
You should see him with his coat on.  Nope, no snow here.  In fact, I had to look the word up in the dictionary.  Right next to the word was a map of Delaware.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 04, 2009, 02:05:14 pm
 ;D ;D ;D We do have our moments, but usually don't get big bomber blizzards. 4-6 inches is pretty common. We escaped much of anything last winter.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 04, 2009, 02:14:38 pm
My son opted to attend Bryant College in Rhode Island his freshman year.  That year Rhode Island received 107 inches of snow.  Being a Southern California boy born and raised next to some of the best beaches in the world, he chose to come home to a school here for the rest of his college career. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 04, 2009, 07:00:15 pm
Good move! ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 05, 2009, 10:16:51 am
Today's--------------------------------------his mother didn't raise no dummies


A police recruit had done well on his written exams and now he was sailing through his final interview.  The captain saved the toughest question for last.

"What would you do," he asked, peering over the rim of his glasses, "if you had to arrest your own mother?"

The recruit stiffened; thought for a second, then answered.

"Call for backup."

_____________________________________________________

In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to vote for President Ulysses S. Grant.  (Anthony was convicted by a judge and fined $100, but never paid the fine).


In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Wilkie.

____________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Elke Sommer is 69, Singer Art Garfunkel is 68, Actor Sam Shepard is 66 and Singer Peter Noone is 62


__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on November 05, 2009, 01:41:37 pm
Eh, Elke Sommer couldn't be that old--could she?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 05, 2009, 05:45:22 pm
From Wikipedia---

Elke Sommer (born 5 November 1940), born Elke Schletz, is a German-born actress, entertainer, and artist.

You can put her name in your search engine for the full article on her life.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on November 05, 2009, 05:53:15 pm
I was being facetious.

I first saw her in the 1963 war movie, The Victors, and again in A Shot in the Dark the next year.

She was a heart throb. Seems like yesterday.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on November 06, 2009, 07:41:19 am
This seemed like LarryJ humor, so I took the liberty of posting it here.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room-------the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
 
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
 
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
 
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
 
"WHOA!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
 
"
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 06, 2009, 01:36:01 pm
Good one!  Feel free to post anything that's funny.

Today's------------------------------Rodney Dangerfield would say---I don't get no respect.

The three children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they, alone, would care for it, they got one.

They named it Danny.  Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding Danny, she located a new home for the little creature.

Surprisingly, the children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time-------------------we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that person, I insist that he must go."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm.  "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted, "go and get his cage."

Suddenly, with one voice and in tearful outrage, the children shouted, "Danny?  We thought you said Daddy!"

__________________________________________________

Today------------Director Mike Nichols is 78, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 77, Actress Sally Field is 63, Singer Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61 and California's First Lady Maria Shriver is 54.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 07, 2009, 10:04:09 am
Today's-------------------------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat, but here it is anyway.

Saturday morning, Ralph got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was  blowing 45 mph.  He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio to the weather channel and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

Ralph went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  There, he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is really terrible."

Ralph's loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe that my hard-headed husband is out fishing in that mess?"

There was an uncomfortable silence before she exclaimed, "HA! Gotcha!"

________________________________________________________________

Today--------Opera singer Dame Joan Sutherland is 83, Singer Johnny Rivers is 67, Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 66 and The Rev. Billy Graham is 91

_______________________________________________________________

In 1893, the state of Colorado granted its women the right to vote.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey.

_______________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 08, 2009, 10:26:46 am
Today's------------------------------------so true!

The more I read of the shenanigans of politicians, judges and lawyers, the more I think the real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this:

Commandments of "Thou Shalt Not Steal" and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians creates a hostile work environment.

____________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress June Havoc is 97, Singer Patti Page is 82, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 78 and Singer Bonnie Raitt is 60.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 09, 2009, 01:29:50 pm
Today's-----------------this one is definitely blond---no offense ladies.

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just show stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains.  "For example, if someone were standing behind you, he or she wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Well, that may be," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

_________________________________________________________

Today------------Former Democratic vice-presidential candidate R. Sargent Shriver is 94. Baseball executive Whitey Herzog is 78, Baseball Hall of Famer Bob Gibson is 74 and "The Hulk" Lou Ferrigno is 58.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 10, 2009, 05:12:04 pm
Today's----------------------------------this is for all you groaners.

Justin worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.  One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Justin was very excited and asked the manager if he could transfer and work the juice machines.

The manager said no.

Justin countered, "But, Sir, I've been working here for five years..............Why can't I operate the juice machine?"

The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but rules are rules  ----   you know baggers can't be juicers."

_________________________________________________________________________

In 1775, (this is for you, Jarhead), The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.

In  1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Va.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Educational Television (later PBS

________________________________________________________________________

Today-----Actor Russell Johnson is 85, Actor Albert Hall is 72 and Singer Donna Fargo (former teacher at our local high school) is 68.

________________________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 11, 2009, 09:26:52 am
Today's---------------------------------------No dinner for this guy tonight.

After awakening one morning, a woman told her husband, "I just had a wonderful dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.  What do you think that means?"

"Hmm," the husband said, thinking.  "By golly, you'll know tonight," he said with a big smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day, and barely could wait for her husband to return home.

Finally the man came home carrying a small package.  With a twinkle in his eyes, he presented it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly only to find a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

_____________________________________________________

In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower anchored of f Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politik."

In 1918, fighting in World War 1 came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

_________________________________________________

Today--------Comedian Jonathon Winters is 84, Actress Bibi Andersson is 74 and our own CA Senator Barbara Boxer is 69.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 12, 2009, 09:51:49 am
Today's-------------------------another groaner!

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I think I'm a moth."

Tina, the receptionist, says, "Excuse me, but you don't need a Dentist, you need a psychiatrist."

Man:  "Yes, I know."

Tina:  "So, why did you come in here?"

Man:  "The light was on..................."

_________________________________________________________

In 1942, the World War II naval Battle of Guadalcanal began.  (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)

________________________________________________________

Today---------R&B singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 70, Rock musician Booker T Jones (Booker T. and the MGs is 65, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 65 and Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 64.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on November 13, 2009, 07:26:34 am


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street.

He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"

Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest.. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.

 He kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.

 :angel: ::) :P ::) ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 13, 2009, 09:33:03 am
 ;D ;D ;D ;D I like that one, Judy!

Today's-----------------------------A little sarcasm here.

Quentin gets set up on a blind date, and to make a good impression, he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant.

After being seated, the lady orders extensively from the appetizer list.  Quentin is surprised.  When the waiter is at hand, the lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price.  Quentin is shocked at the quantity, much less the cost.

She pauses and looks across at him, then asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well, my dear,"  Quentin says, sighing, "perhaps the Mississippi River would be a good start."

_______________________________________________________

In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain except for death and taxes."

In 1956, The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public, city and state buses.

In 1982, The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington.

_________________________________________________________


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 13, 2009, 02:13:01 pm
Have you ever seen the Vietnam Vets Memorial?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 13, 2009, 05:39:07 pm
I have never been to see the real thing, but the traveling replica has been in our own little town twice over the years.  I go and see the names of friends that are on there.  I sit in the grassy park facing the memorial with other "old-timers" and stare at the wall with them.  We sit and remember our friends and all those others whose names appear on the wall.  Some cry, some just stare and others bring letters that were written 40 years ago and reread them for the umpteenth time.  It is a humbling experience and a sad one, but whenever that replica wall is nearby, I go, just to pay my respects and say thanks, God bless.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 14, 2009, 10:12:50 am
Today's------------------------------------------What?  Say that again.

Before a gig, the bandleader called the female singer over and told her, "Tonight, when we do 'Night and Day.' I want you to sing the second verse first, and then break into the bridge one bar earlier than usual."

"Transpose the bridge up a minor third, but then back down again for the last three bars of it.  Then add a 5/4 bar going back into the first chorus, singing on only off beats."

"During the sax solo, go to the bridge a bar-and-a-half early, interrupting the solo, finish the first verse, go to the coda a bar late, and then keep singing for a full three beats after the band has finished."

Her eyes widened as she snorted, "That doesn't make any sense.  I can't do all that."

He replies, "Why not?  You did it last night."

_________________________________________________

In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.

In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.

In 1973, Britain's Princess Anne married Capt. Mark Phillips in Westminster Abbey.  (They divorced in 1992; Anne has remarried.)

__________________________________________________

Today-----------Britain's Prince Charles in 61.

________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 14, 2009, 12:13:47 pm
Choke! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 15, 2009, 10:12:39 am


Today's---------------------------------GROAN, GROAN, GROAN!

There was a small church out in the countryside, painted white and with a high steeple.

After services one Sunday, it was brought to the pastor's attention that the church needed painting.  The next day he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint.  Returning to the church, he began the job.

He finished the first side and it looked good.  But he noticed he had already used a half gallon.  He didn't want to go all the way back to town, so being the creative person that he was, he found some thinner in the shed out back, and added in to the paint.

It worked out fantastic and he finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained --- hard.  The next morning when he stepped outside he saw that the first side of the church was OK, but all the paint on the other three sides had washed away.  The pastor looked skyward in anguish and cried, "What shall I do?"

A booming voice from the heavens said, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

____________________________________________________________

In 1777, the Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, a precursor to the Constitution of the United States.

In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.

___________________________________________________________

Today--------------------Judge Joe Wapner is 90, Actor Ed Asner is 80, Singer Petula Clark is 77, Actor Sam Waterson is 69 and Frida (ABBA) is 64.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 16, 2009, 09:11:39 am
Today's ----------------------------------------some people's kids!

Mary was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet.  Being only five feet tall, she had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the box.  Fortunately, she has a son more than six-feet-tall whom she often calls to come to her rescue.

"Hey, Brian!" she yelled to her son, who was in the living room.  "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"

"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen, "But next time, I would prefer the title 'Your Highness' when you need me."

__________________________________________________

In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.

In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state of the Union.

In 1933, The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

________________________________________________________



Today------Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 74, Actress Joanna Pettet is 67 and Actor Steve Railsback is 64.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 17, 2009, 10:11:55 am
Today's------------------------------Ahhh--The price of beauty-------------

After putting her children to bed, Jessica put on her old nightclothes, washed her hair, then covered her face with a wonderfully scented, but very dark, green-colored face moisturizer.

All the while, the children were becoming more rambunctious, and Jessica's patience was waning.

Finally, wrapping a towel around her head and throwing on an old robe, she stormed into the children's room and put them back into bed accompanied by a stern warning.

As she left the room, she heard her 4-year-old say with a trembling voice to her younger brother, "Wow!  Who WAS that?"

_________________________________________________________

In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.

In 1869, The Suez Canal opened in Egypt.

In 1934, Lyndon Baines Johnson married Claudia Alta Taylor, better known as Lady Bird in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1973, President Richard Nixon told Associated Press managing editors meeting in Orlando, Florida:  "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook.  Well, I'm not a crook."

_______________________________________________________

Today------------Rock  musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 72, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 71, Actress Lauren Hutton is 66 and Actor-Director Danny DeVito is 65.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 18, 2009, 01:07:40 pm
Today's--------------------------------take that!

A friend of mine, a divorcee, never remarried, and her visiting daughter wanted to know why.

Sighing, the woman said, "The men I know just would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage, and I simply don't want to put up with it."

Taking her mother's hands in mine, I said quietly, "I hate to break the news to you, dear friend, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."

___________________________________________________

Today------Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 70, Actress Linda Evans is 67 and former Cherokee Nation chief Wilma Mankiller is 64.

___________________________________________________


In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse premiered in New York.

In 1959, "Ben-Hur" MGM's Biblical-era spectacle starring Chariton Heston and directed by William Wyler, had its world premiere at Loew's State Theatre in New York.


______________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 19, 2009, 03:13:29 pm
Today's-------------------------------What part of the physical description did she miss?

A man and a woman had been pen pals for more than a year, meeting via the Internet.  She became so impressed with his letters, she fell in love and wrote asking for the opportunity to meet the man behind all the wonderful letters.

He wrote back that he, too, was so very pleased with their electronic relationship.  But before honoring her request to meet in person, he had to let her know that he was in a serious car accident which left him with a steel plate in his head, a half head of hair, without one arm, confined to a wheelchair and a raspy and hoarse voice.

He concluded by writing that he would understand if this made her change her mind.  She wrote back, pooh-poohing his physical impairments, indicating that the letters had revealed what he was like on the inside.  She wrote that she wanted to meet him, and suggested that he pick her up at the airport the next Friday evening.

Her closing remark made his heart soar with happiness.  She asked that he wear a rose in his lapel so she would recognize him.

________________________________________________________

Today----Actor Alan Young is 90, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 73, and Larry King is 76.

_________________________________________________________

In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on November 20, 2009, 07:49:14 am
If it weren't for the United States military,
There'd be NO United States of America  .


This Economy Is So Bad That...
 
I opened the mail and found a pre-declined credit card.
 
I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford fries with that?"
 
CEO's now play miniature golf.
 
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
 
The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them.
 
Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM.
 
McDonalds is selling a quarter-ouncer.
 
The Mafia is laying off judges.
 
Beverly Hills parents fired their nannies and had to learn their kid's names.
 
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
 
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
 
Motel Six has stopped leaving the light on.
 
African television stations are showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials.
 
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
 
Snoop Dogg had to start eating regular brownies.   
 
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
 
I went to my bank the other day and the teller handed me a note saying, "This is a robbery!"
 
Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.
 
I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"
 
Rapper 50 Cent had to change his name to 10 Cent.
 
Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"
 
My ATM gave me an IOU.
 
The highest-paying job in town is Jury Duty.



 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 20, 2009, 07:07:28 pm
Today's-------------------busy day, a bit late.

As my mom ages, visits to a variety of doctors have become more frequent along with a plethora of prescriptions in order to take care of this, that and the other thing.

Accompanying her on a recent pharmaceutical trip, the pharmacist was going over the directions on a prescription bottle and he said emphatically, "be sure not to take this more often than every four hours."

Mom looked at him with a twinkle in her eyes and said, "Don't worry about that...............it takes me four hours to get the lids off.

_____________________________________________

Today------------Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 84, Actress Estelle Parsons is 82, TV personality Richard Dawson is 77. comedian Dick Smothers is 71, Vice President Joe Biden is 67 and Actress Bo Derek is 53 (gulp).

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on November 20, 2009, 07:50:23 pm
I just cannot imagine Bo Derek at 53; has anyone seen a recent picture?  ???
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 21, 2009, 01:52:51 pm
Today's---------------------------Big Groaner, this one is.

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.  After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a circle of dampness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress to his table and said, " It's all wet there," pointing to the tablecloth, "The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered the vegetable soup, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, there must be a leek in it."

_________________________________________________

Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial is 89,  Actor Joseph Campanella is 82, Actress Marlo Thomas is 72 and Actress Goldie Hawn is 64.

_________________________________________________

In 1927, picketing strikers at the Columbine Mine in northern Colorado were fired on by state police;  six miners were killed.

In 1934, The Cole Porter musical "Anything Goes" starring Ethel Merman as Reno Sweeney, opened on Broadway.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 22, 2009, 10:07:36 am
Today's-------------------------------you are going to love this one!!

The congregation was celebrating the 100th anniversary of their church and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, the church's current minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day and the bishop's presence.

He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.  Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one that you can move diagonally."

_________________________________________________________________

In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda, CA., carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, Texas.  Texas Gov. John B Connally was seriously wounded.  Suspect Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.

_________________________________________________________________

Today----Actor Robert Vaughn is 77, Actor Michael Callan is 74 and Tennis player Billie Jean King is 66.

__________________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 23, 2009, 09:22:07 am
Today's---------------------------------------------WARNING!!!!   Put down your coffee cup before reading this one.

An industrious turkey farmer had been experimenting with breeding to produce a better turkey.  You see, his family was fond of the leg portion and, obviously, there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store.

"Well, I finally did it.  I bred a turkey that has six legs!"  They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"Don't know," said the turkey farmer.  "I haven't been able to catch him."

________________________________________________________

In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco at the Palais Royale Saloon.

In 1936, Life, the photojournalism magazine created by Henry R. Luce, was first published.

In 1963, President Lyndon B. Johnson proclaimed Nov. 25 a day of national mourning following the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

__________________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Susan Anspach is 67 and Actor Steve Landesberg is 64.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 24, 2009, 09:16:34 am
Today's-----------------------------------------------

Long lines were supposed to be a thing of the past once our neighborhood supermarket installed a self-serve checkout counter.

Customers easily figured it out --- except for the woman at the front of my line.  In its oddly irritating computer-generated voice, the machine kept reminding her to take one item after another out of the scanning zone before she could check the next item.

There was a constant "Move -- your -- produce" and "Move -- your -- milk" and so on.  Everyone in the growing line was getting restless, but even we had to laugh when she left a bag of dinner rolls on the scanner and the machine commanded, "Move -- your -- buns.

_____________________________________________________

In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.


In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom.  His fate remains unknown.

___________________________________________________

Today-----Rock drummer Pete  Best, original Beatles drummer before they became famous, is 68 and Actor Billy Connolly is 67.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 25, 2009, 09:47:54 am
Today's----------------------out of the mouths of babes--------------

When Brandon's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.  And, at home little Brandon overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

One day, when Brandon and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.  "Yes!" Brandon answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, if it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

_____________________________________________________

In 1963, the body of John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.

In 2002, President George W. Bush signed legislation creating the Department of Homeland Security, and appointed Tom Ridge to be its chief.

___________________________________________________

Today------------------Actress Kathryn Crosby is 76, Singer Percy Sledge is 69 and Actor John Larroquette is 62

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 25, 2009, 10:00:05 am
BONUS------------------------------today's reminded me of another one.


A soldier was overseas and was getting daily reports of his wife's pregnancy.  Finally, she called and told him she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

Excitedly, he asked what names she had finally decided on.

"Oh," she said, "I couldn't decide so I let my brother name them."

Fearing the worst possible names from his Polish brother-in-law, he hesitantly asked what he had named the babies.

"Well," she said, "the girl is Denise."  The soldier thought that was okay.  He asked, "and the boy?"






Wait for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





"Denephew."

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on November 25, 2009, 11:10:56 am
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 26, 2009, 10:43:22 am
Today's--------------------I expected some kind of Thanksgiving humor---


Stan rushed into a flower shop.  "I need some potted geraniums," he said urgently to the clerk.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said, "we don't have potted geraniums.  Could you use some African Violets instead?"

"No," Stan said, "It was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

_____________________________________________________

In 1789, was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1973, President Richard Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she had accidentally caused part of the 18-minute gap in a key Watergate tape.

_____________________________________________________

Today-----------Impressionist Rich Little is 71 and Singer Tina Turner is 70.

(We saw Tina Turner in concert a few years ago and she was dancing and singing like she was 20 years old.  What a performance!)

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 27, 2009, 09:06:08 am
Today's---------------------Ouch!

In the mountain backwoods one doesn't see too many people hang-gliding, that's fer sure.  But Ol' Zeke was the exception.  He saved up and bought hisself a hang-glider.  He took it to the highest mountain and prepared to take flight.  He took off running and reached the edge and.............................into the wind he went!

Meanwhile, Ma & Pa Abnabbitt were sittin' on their porch swingin', talkin' 'bout the good ol' days, when Ma spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.

"Lookit the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaimed.  Pa stood up, "Git my gun, Ma."

Ma ran inside and brought out his pump action shotgun.  He took careful aim, BANG......BANG.......BANG.......BANG!

The monster-sized bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.  "I think ya missed him, Pa," she said.

"Well, mebbe so," he replied, "but at least the thing let go of ol' Zeke."

_________________________________________________________

Skipping history and birthdays, we are celebrating our Thanksgive today and gotta run. 

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 28, 2009, 02:00:28 pm
Today's---------------------------------------not so at my house!

Warning Signs of Inferior Cooking------------

1.  Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

2.  Someone broke a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

3.  Your family has a good idea what "Pease porridge hot in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

4.  When you son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

5.  Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

6.  You wonder why you have to buy 50 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

7.  Your kids get even with neighborhood bullies by inviting them to dinner.

8.  Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

9.  No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purplish-green.

___________________________________________________________

Today-----Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 69, Singer Randy Newman is 66 and Late Show orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 60.

__________________________________________________________

In 1520, Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Pacific Ocean after passing through the South American strait that now bears his name.

In 2001, Enron Corp. collapsed after would-be rescuer Dynegy Inc. backed out of an $8.4 billion deal to take it over.


____________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 29, 2009, 09:35:55 am
Today's-----------------------smart thinking.

Luke, a pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church.  Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the reverend had to ask, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"


Luke lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, pastor," he whispered.  "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.  But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.  So, I figured that God is very busy and perhaps has forgotten about me, and I sure don't want to remind Him!"

_________________________________________________________
 
In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.

In 2001, George Harrison, the "quiet Beatle," died in Los Angeles following a battle with cancer; he was 58.

_______________________________________________________

Today------------------Actress Diane Ladd is 74, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 69 and Comedian Garry Shandling is 60.

AND--Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for almost sixty years and still going strong is 82 (my hero).

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on November 30, 2009, 08:40:00 am
Today's-------------------------------------groan, groan---

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular type of bracken fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very clearly, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about all ferns, rather than just the one species.

So within just a few minutes, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of documents about all kinds of ferns -- tree ferns, wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns............. but nary a one about the particular type he wanted.

So, he sent another message to everyone:  "If it ain't bracken, don't fax it."

_______________________________________________

In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens----better known as Mark Twain-----was born in Florida, MO.

In 1874, British statesman Sir Winston Churchill was born at Blenheim Palace.

_____________________________________________

Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 91, Actor Robert Guillaume is 82 and TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 80.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 01, 2009, 09:35:51 am
Today's----Jo, I hope you don't get a message like this from Rudy------------ :laugh:

Some neighbors of mine were the recipients of a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift from an acquaintance they hardly knew.  As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted horrible.  It was so bad that my neighbors wasted no time double-bagging it before throwing it away.

Yet my neighbors, ever gracious and tactful, still felt obliged to send the acquaintance a note.  It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.  Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

____________________________________________________________

In 1913, the first drive-in automobile service station, built by Gulf Refining Co., opened in Pittsburgh.

In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus.  Mrs. Parks was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.

____________________________________________________________

Today----Actor/Director Woody Allen is 74, Golfer Lee Trevino is 70, Singer Diane Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70 and Actress/Singer Bette Midler is 64 (Another one that we saw in concert a few years ago, and just like Tina Turner, dancing and singing like she was 20 years old).

___________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 02, 2009, 01:00:42 pm
Today's----------Not the answer she was looking for!

"Mylah!" her mother scolded, "There were two cookies in the cupboard earlier this morning and now there is only one!  Do you have an explanation?"

"Well," Mylah replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."

____________________________________________

In 1804, Napoleon crowned himself Emperor of the French.

In 1927, Ford Motor Co. formally unveiled its second Model A automobile, the successor to its Model T.

____________________________________________

Today------Character Actor Bill Erwin is 95, Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig is 85, Actress Julie Harris is 84 and Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 65.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 03, 2009, 09:59:36 am
Today's--------------------Sometimes it is better not to ask.

Melody Lynn spent some months on a mission serving God in Kenya.  On her final visit to a remote township, she attended a medical clinic.

As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.  She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she could barely speak as she turned to her friend and asked, "Will you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"  Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery, if you boil the water, you won't get dysentery------.

_______________________________________________

In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected President of the United States by the Electoral College.


In 1960, the musical "Camelot" opened on Broadway.

In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where The Who were performing.

______________________________________________

Today-------Country Singer Ferlin Huskey is 84, Singer Andy Williams is 82, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 78 and Actress Mary Alice is 68.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 04, 2009, 09:56:33 am
Today's---------------------that'll teach him!

A little guy is sitting in a bar with a drink in front of him.  A big guy walks in, shoves the little guy aside, grabs his drink and downs it in one gulp.

The little guy says nothing, but a tear begins to roll down his cheek.  "Whatsamatter?"  the big guy sneers.

The little guy clears his throat and says, "I'm not having a good day  ..  first, I get a letter from the bank informing me that my house is being repossessed.  Next, my wife called me from out of town telling me that she's running away with my best friend.  Then, I get to work only to find that I've been laid off, and now, (sniff) now I come in here to end it all, and you barge in and drink all my poison.

_________________________________________________

In 1619, settlers from Bristol, England, arrived at Berkeley Hundred in present-day Charles City County, VA., where they held a service thanking God for their safe arrival.  (Some suggest that this was America's true first Thanksgiving.)


In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.

In 1991, The original Pan American World Airways ceased operations.

_____________________________________________________

Today----Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 88, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 73, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 72, and Actor Jeff Bridges is 60.  Oh yeah, Radio-TV personality Wink Martindale is 76.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 05, 2009, 09:16:31 am
Today's------------------------------------------ya get what ya pay for------

A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.  He gets the attention of an usher and urgently whispers, "This is a mystery, and I love mysteries.  I absolutely have to watch a mystery close up where I can see well and hear clearly.  Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher does some maneuvering and manages to get him into the second row.  Without a word of thanks, the man rewards him with a quarter.  The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over and whispers to the man, "The wife's sister did it."

___________________________________________________

In 1792, President George Washington was re-elected to a second term and John Adams was re-elected Vice President.

In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1933, national Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 35th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.

__________________________________________________

Today-------Pop Singer Jim Messina is 62 and (can you believe it?) Singer Little Richard is 77.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 06, 2009, 12:35:54 pm
Today's--------------------------It's Sunday

Immediately following church services, Robbie told his parents he had to talk to the minister right away.  They agreed and the pastor greeted the family.  "Pastor," Robbie said, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Robbie, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I did and may I say I'm so glad you were listening.  But, tell me, do you have a question?"

"Well, would you come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

______________________________________________

In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1969, a free concert by the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Speedway in Alameda County, CA., was marred by the deaths of four people including one who was stabbed by a Hell's Angel.

___________________________________________

Today----------Jazz Musician Dave Brubeck is 89 and Actress Jobeth Williams is 61

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 07, 2009, 04:14:16 pm
Today's-----------------------Rainy days and Mondays------Hmmm---sounds like a Carpenter's song.

Ramona had offered to drive her mother-in-law to the Doctor's office.

But when she arrived at her house, she found her gossiping with a neighbor.  "Mom, we've got to go," Ramona interrupted, but her urgency was ignored because of the incessant chatter.

"Mom!"  Ramona repeated as she pulled her away.

"Sorry, honey, but I didn't know what to do," she said, getting into the car, "that woman wouldn't stop listening to me!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1941, Imperial Japanese warplanes attacked the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, as well as other American and British bases in the Pacific; the preemptive raids prompted the United States to enter World War II.

In 1972, America's last moon mission to date was launched as Apollo 17 blasted off from Cape Canaveral, FL.

____________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Eli Wallach is 94, Actrress Ellen Burstyn is 77 and Baseball Hall-of-famer Johnny  Bench is 62.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 08, 2009, 09:37:23 am
Today's------------------------------second attempt, gremlins got the first one.

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a huge order.

As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, the bottom gave way, spilling the contents on the floor.

"Ohhhh, they just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted out to the customer, "that was supposed to happen in your driveway."

___________________________________________

In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, one day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1980, rock star John Lennon was shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by Mark David Chapman, an apparently deranged fan.

_________________________________________

Today----------Actor-Director Maximillian Schell is 79, Actor James MacArthur is 72, Singer Jerry Butler is 70, Rock singer-musician Gregg Allman is 62 and Actress Kim Basinger is 56.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 09, 2009, 10:54:27 am
Today's-----------------------------------------------sounds typical

Some years ago, my friend's husband, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files.  He found some old records that were of no possible value, and sent a letter to Washington, D.C., requesting permission to destroy them.

The reply he received read as follows:  "Permission is given to destroy the original records, but make triplicate copies of them first."

___________________________________________

In 1941, China declared war on Japan, Germany and Italy.

In 1958, the John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 1992, Britain's Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced their separation.  (The couple's divorce became final Aug. 28, 1996.)

________________________________________________

Today--------------------------Actress Francis Reid is 95, Actor Dick Van Patten is 81, Actor-writer Buck Henry is 79, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 75, Actor Beau Bridges is 68, and Actor Kirk Douglas is 93.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 10, 2009, 09:45:42 am
Today's---------------------I guess when you are good, you are good---

A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.  Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled, floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two guys found a skeleton, fully clothed, standing erect in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.  They decided to call the police.  When the police arrived, the two suggested that the remains could be "Jimmy Hoffa or someone really important."

Days past and nothing appeared in the paper, so they called the police hoping to solve the mystery.  The desk sergeant said, "Well, it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"It was the 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion," he replied.

______________________________________________________

In 1869, women were granted the right to vote in the Wyoming Territory.

In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, for helping mediate an end to the Russo-Japanese War.

In 1964, the Rev. Marin Luther King Jr. received the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1984, South African Bishop Desmond Tutu received the Nobel Peace Prize.

______________________________________________________

Today----Actor Tommy Kirk is 68, Pop Singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 68 and Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 63

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 11, 2009, 09:42:30 am
Today's----------------------------------------------money talks

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead.  Could ya be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we canna have services for an animal in the church.  But, there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Thanks, Father, I'll go right away, Father.  By the way, do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick clasped his hands and exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

____________________________________________________________

In 1936, Britain's King Edward VIII abdicated to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.

IN 1941, Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.  The U.S. responded in kind.

_____________________________________________________________

Today----Actress Donna Mills is 67, Singer Brenda Lee is 65, Actress Lynda Day George is 65, Actress Teri Gar is 62 and Actress Rita Moreno is 78.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 12, 2009, 01:45:54 pm
Today's---------------------Is this your car?

HOW TO TELL WHEN IT'S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR.

1.  Your passenger seat is on the National Registry of Historic Places.

2.  Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

3.  15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

4.  Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

5.  When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

6.  While waiting at a stoplight, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

7.  You keep losing passengers on left turns.

8.  Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

9.  It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

_____________________________________________________

In 1897, "The Katzenjammer Kids," the pioneering comic strip created by Rudolph Dirks made its debut in the New York Journal.

In 1917, Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town outside Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1925, the first motel --  The Motel Inn --- opened in San Luis Obispo, CA.

____________________________________________________

Today---------Singer Connie Francis is 71, Singer Dionne Warwick is 69 and TV Host Bob Barker is 86.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: indygal on December 12, 2009, 07:15:27 pm
Larry, I've been meaning to tell you how much I appreciate the jokes, but even more how much I like reading the birthdays and history trivia. I have to admit I'm surprised by some of the birthdays (not so much the age but the fact I didn't know that person was still alive!) Anyway, thank you for posting these every day. They make me smile, and that's something.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 13, 2009, 10:18:44 am
Indy, one of the reasons I started this thread was to make someone's day a little brighter.  If someone reads a joke and then passes it on to another, it might make their day a little better.  I, also, am amazed sometimes that these people are still alive.  As they get older, they fade from public memory due to their own wishes or because they can no longer work.  My great fear is that the source that I draw this information from, might prove to be erroneous and I post the birthday of someone who has passed.  If I ever do that, I am sorry.  Anyway, thanks for posting and continue to enjoy.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 13, 2009, 10:33:28 am
Today's--------------------------------------sounds blonde (whoops!  sorry Teresa)

Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Ft. Dix, N.J., Ramon went into town to get his haircut.  The young hairdresser noticed his accent and asked where he was from.

"Trinidad,"  Ramon said.

"Hey, isn't that in Arabia?"

"The Caribbean," he said.

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."

______________________________________________________

In 1862, Union forces suffered a major defeat to the Confederates in the Civil War Battle of Fredericksburg.

In 1978, The Philadelphia Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, which went into circulation in July 1979.

In 2003, Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole at a farmhouse in Adwar, Iraq, near his hometown of Tikrit.

___________________________________________________

Today-------------Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 84, Actor Christopher Plummer is 80, Singer John Davidson is 68 and Rock musician Ted Nugent is 61.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 14, 2009, 01:37:53 pm
Today's----------------------Garden of Eden Sears outlet?

Things they probably didn't tell you in Sunday school:  Adam took a bite from the forbidden fruit and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf.  Then she went behind a bush and tried on  maple leaf, a sycamore leaf and an oak leaf.
___________________________________________

In 1799, the first President of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon, VA., home at age 67.

In 1981, Israel annexed the Golan Heights, which it had seized from Syria in 1967.

__________________________________________________________

Today--------Jazz Musician Clark Terry is 89, Singer-Actress Abbe Lane is 78, Actor Hal Williams is 71, Actress-Singer Jane Birkin is 63, Actress Patty Duke is 63 and Actress Dee Wallace is 61

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 14, 2009, 01:49:03 pm
BONUS ---------------------BONUS---------------------------BONUS-------------------------------BONUS

This is from a friend of mine through e-mail yesterday.


THE BURGLAR

A Burglar breaks into a house and everything is dark and quiet.  As he moves through the house, a voice is heard:

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.

He stops, turns off his flashlight and freezes, listening for more sounds or voices.  After a few minutes, he turns on the flashlight and goes to the stereo and begins removing the wiring.  Again, the voice says:

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.

He shines the light around the room and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner.  He goes over to the parrot and says, "Did you say that?  That part about 'Jesus is watching you'?"

The parrot answers, "Yes, I did."

The burglar is pretty amazed at the ability of the parrot to carry on a conversation.  He asks, "What is your name?"  The parrot answers, "Moses."  The burglar says, "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies, "the same idiot that gave the name JESUS to the rottweiler."

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on December 14, 2009, 02:12:50 pm
Tell your friend "Thank you" for me. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 15, 2009, 09:41:40 am
Today's----------------whatever works, I guess.

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall, stepping up to the podium each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket and setting it on the lectern.

After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day a student fell asleep during the lecture.  The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked to the lectern, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of his head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room and up to the podium, reached into his jacket and removed a baseball............

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.

_________________________________________________

In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.

In 1890, Sioux Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a confrontation with Indian police.

In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With the Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta.

In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.

___________________________________________________

Today-----Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 76, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 70, Rock Musician Dave Clark is 67 and Actor Don Johnson is 60.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 16, 2009, 09:32:38 am
Today's-------------------------------smart man---


During an attack of laryngitis my neighbor, Sherry, lost her voice completely for three days.  Her husband, Larry, in order to help her communicate with him, devised a system of taps.

One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes" and 95 taps meant "Take out the trash."

___________________________________________________________

In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes.

In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.  (the Allies were eventually able to beat the Germans back).

_________________________________________________________

Today-------Actress Joyce Bulifant is 72, Actress Liv Ullmann is 71, TV producer Steven Bochco is 66, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 63 and Actor Ben Cross is 62.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 17, 2009, 09:42:58 am
Today's--------Ya have to think about this one somewhat---

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom."

"You cannot use them as you recite, or on any of your papers, tests or homework.  Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter."

"The first word is 'gross' and the second word is 'cool.'  Are there any questions?"

One student raises his hand and asks, "So, what are they?"

________________________________________________

In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful man-powered airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.

In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford.  (She was paroled in August 2009).

In 1989, the animated TV series "The Simpsons" premiered on Fox with a Christmas-themed episode.

________________________________________________

Today-----------Rock Singer Art Neville is 72, Actor Christopher Cazenove is 66 and Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 63.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on December 18, 2009, 07:34:17 am
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God.."

 :D ;D :D ;)
 

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 18, 2009, 12:03:40 pm
LOL  :laugh: :laugh: Good one, Judy.  Thanks.

Today's----------------------------------------sounds like a fine family---

Little Timmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Little Timmy opened the door.  The Teacher said, "Hello, Timmy, May I please speak with your Mother or your Father?"

Little Timmy said, "Sorry, but they's ain't here."

The teacher, exasperated, said, "Oh Timmy, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Timmy, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."

_______________________________________________________

In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.

In 1972, The United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.  (The bombardment ended 11 days later).

_____________________________________________________

Today----Television Writer-Producer Hal Kanter is 91, Actor Roger Smith is 77, Blues Musician Lonnie Brooks is 76, Rock Singer-musician Keith Richards is 66 and Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg  is 63.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 19, 2009, 10:14:01 am
Today's-----------------------------------OOOOkkkkkkkaaaayyyyyy.  (Groaner)


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the season," St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get to Heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on, saying "This represents a candle."

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, "these are bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and solemnly asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "Oh, those are Carols."

__________________________________________



In 1777. Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA., to camp for the winter.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," written by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.

In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice (he was later acquitted by the Senate).

__________________________________________

Today--------------Country Singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 89, Actress Cicely Tyson is 76, Actress Elaine Joyce is 66, Actor Tim Reid is 65 and Singer Janie Fricke is 62.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 19, 2009, 10:28:33 am
BONUS--------------------------------------------------BONUS--------------------------------------------BONUS

Today's reminded me of another similar one.


A man had long suspected his wife of infidelity.  He snuck home early one evening trying to catch her having an affair.  As he pulled up, he noticed a nice shiny Corvette at the curb.  Infuriated, he dashed into the second story apartment and began shouting at his wife demanding to know where her lover was.  He began to throw furniture around looking for the man.  In his frustration of not finding anyone, he picked up the refrigerator and heaved it out the window.  This exertion caused to him to have a heart attack and die. 

At the pearly gates, St. Peter sees him coming and asks what had happened and the man told St. Peter the story and went on into Heaven.  A little later, another unexpected man showed up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he had died.
He said, "You won't believe this, but I was sitting in my Corvette and all of a sudden a refrigerator fell on me, killing me."  And he went on into Heaven.

A third unexpected man came forward and St. Peter, who had not been expecting anyone that day was surprised.  He asks the third man how he died.  The third man answered, "Well, it was like this---------I was hiding in this refrigerator when all of a sudden--------------------------------------.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 20, 2009, 12:22:28 pm
Today's------------------------kid needs a spell checker

On this Sunday before Christmas, the Sunday school teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story.  Most of the pictures were predictable, but Robb's had an odd element in it.

"Robb, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that little thing following the donkey?"

"It's the flea, Miss Annie."

"Flea?  Uh........what flea?" asked Miss Annie.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse; "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt."

"Well," Robb explained, "There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."

_________________________________________________________

In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States during ceremonies in New Orleans.

In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for t he holidays.

In 1978, former White House chief of staff, H.R. Haldeman was released from prison after serving 18 months for his role in the Watergate cover-up.

___________________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Audrey Totter is 92, Psychic/illusionist Uri Geller is 63 and rock musician Alan Parsons is 61.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 21, 2009, 09:58:58 am
Today's--------------Has your pharmacist ever had to call the doctor to find out what he wrote?

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion.

As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.  His white uniform was now scorched black as well as his hair.

He slowly made his way to a woman standing nearby.  "Lady," he exclaimed, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again.....................And this time, have him PRINT IT!"

__________________________________________________

In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Mass.

In 1937, the first feature-length animated cartoon in Technicolor, Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," had its world premiere in Los Angeles.

In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.

___________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Ed Nelson is 81, Talk Show host Phil Donahue is 74, Actress Jane Fonda is 72 and Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 61.

___________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 22, 2009, 10:07:33 am
Today's-----------------------------------Ahhh, the spirit of Christmas.


My friend Bridget who lives in Chicago, was headed down the steps to catch her subway, the "L" train.  A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was backup bus service above ground.

Bridget was rushing back up the stairs when she passed two women descending.  No 'L'," she gasped as she took two steps at a time.

"And a Merry Christmas to you, too." they called out as they continued down the stairs.

_______________________________________________

In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman wrote a message to President Abraham Lincoln which said in part:  "I beg to present you as a Christmas-gift, the city of Savannah."

In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.

In 2001, Richard C. Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami,. tried to ignite explosives in his shoes, but was subdued by flight attendants and other passengers. (Reid is serving a life sentence.)

______________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Barbara Billingsley is 94, Baseball Hall-of-famer Steve Carlton is 65, ABC news correspondent Diane Sawyer is 64, Baseball hall-of-famer Steve Garvey is 61, Singer Robin Gibb is 60 and Actor Hector Elizondo (one of my favs) is 73.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 23, 2009, 09:23:01 am
Today's------------------------------------Smart kid, thinking ahead.

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family's Christmas Eve dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.  He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one).  Then, he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Then he began to thank God for the food, item by item:  the turkey, dressing, potatoes, rolls, butter, all the desserts, even the Cool Whip.  Then he paused, and everyone waited-------------and waited.  Finally, his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn't mentioned yet).  The young fellow looked up at his mom and said, "I can't!  But I know I should, so I don't know what to do!"

"What do you mean, dear?" asked his mother.

"Since it's Jesus' birthday, I bet he is listening closer than usual," said the boy.  "So if I thank God for the broccoli, he'll know I'm lying, and then he'll tell Santa and then Santa won't bring me anything!"

_________________________________________________________

In 1783, George Washington  resigned as Commander in Chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home in Mount Vernon, VA.

In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1948, former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo.

_________________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 88, Actor Ronnie Schell is 78, Actor James Stacey is 73 and Actress Susan Lucci is 63.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on December 24, 2009, 08:10:07 am
How funny, Larry

  We can all sort of relate to those thoughts, can't we???   :D :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 24, 2009, 10:44:40 am
Yes, we can, Jo, yes we can.

Today's-------------------------Warning!!!!!  This might kill your Christmas spirit!!!!!

Signs that a bad department store Santa was hired:

10.  He wears the Santa costume all year around.

9.   Tells the salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding."

8.   After every toy request say, "Yeah, right."

7.   Tries to hide the fact he is wearing handcuffs.

6.   Charges $5.95 for the first minute and $2.95 each additional minute.

5.   Every day around 10 A.M., throws up in the Christmas tree.

4.   Keeps sending his elves out for more Vermouth.

3.   Keeps asking kids if they'd like a piece of dried and smoked reindeer.

2.   Keeps reminiscing about the vice presidency under Bill Clinton.

1.   He's packin' heat.


______________________________________________________

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces as part of Operation Overlord.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts orbiting the moon read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.

In 1980, Americans remembered the U.S. hostages in Iran by burning candles or shining lights for 417 seconds --- one second for each day of captivity.

______________________________________________________

Today---------Author Mary Higgins Clark is 82, record company executive Mike Curb is 65 and our own Rudy Taylor is 64.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 25, 2009, 09:15:34 am
Today's-------------------------Groaners for a Christmas Day-------------

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mo-o-o-o-o-oey Christmas!

Why did the boy's mother knit him three socks for Christmas?
Because since last Christmas he had grown an extra foot.

Why does Santa Clause go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

On what kind of beach would you find Santa surfing?
One with a Yule tide.

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A 3 carrot ring.

What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.

"What's the weather forecast for Christmas, honey?"
"It's going to rain, dear."

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.


Why are Christmas trees like clumsy knitters?
They both drop their needles.

_________________________________________


In A.D. 336, the first recorded celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25 took place in Rome.

In 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England.  (my ancestor).

In 1818, "Silent Night" written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time, at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.

In 1946, W.C. Fields died in Pasadena at age 66.

In 1977, Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88.

In 2006, James Brown, the godfather of soul, died of heart failure in Atlanta at age 73.

____________________________________________________________


Today---------Singer Tony Martin is 96, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 63, Singer Barbara Mandrell is 61 and Actress Cissy Spacek is 60.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 26, 2009, 10:27:04 am
Today's--------------------------------first attempt went to the great big forum in the sky.

Because an number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.  They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim.

That is true---------------if you are at a big, high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos, they just drag the victim across the carpet and touch his finger to the doorknob.

_______________________________________________

In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.

In 1996, 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey was found beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado.  (To date, the slaying remains unsolved, despite a widely publicized "confession" by John Mark Karr.

______________________________________________

Today------Actor Donald Moffat is 79, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on "Sesame Street") is 76, Record Producer Phil Spector is 70 (wonder if they gave him a cake in prison?), and "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 64.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 27, 2009, 10:02:13 am
Today's-------------------was a joke already posted on the forum by some one else.

So, drawn from the archives.

The semester had started at the local college and in the welcoming ceremony, the dean of students read aloud the rules of attending that school.

"The female locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to male students.  Conversely, the male locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to female students.  This applies to the dorm rooms as well."

"The first infraction of this rule will cost $20.  The second infraction will cost $40 and a third time will cost $120."

"Any questions?"  the dean asked.

From the back of the room, a male voice asked, "How much for a season pass?"

_____________________________________________

In 1932, Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City.

In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a safe nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.

______________________________________________

Today---------Actor John Amos is 70, News Correspondent Cokie Roberts is 66 and Actor Gerard Depardieu is 61.

___________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 28, 2009, 10:30:17 am
Today's---------------------------------with age comes knowledge------

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so loudly.  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the cabin with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes.  The others said, "Sheesh, what happened?"  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just lay awake in bed all night watching him."

The next night a different guy's turn.  In the morning, same thing ---  hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot.  They said, "Dang, what happened?  You look awful!"  He said, "Well, I'll tell you.  Bob is so loud with his snoring that I couldn't help but watch him all night."
 
The third night it was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man who was quite aware of Bob's nocturnal racket.

The next morning Fred came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "Good mornin'!" he exclaimed.  The others couldn't believe it.  They said, "Geez, what happened? "  Fred said, " Well, after we got ready for bed, I went over and tucked Bob in, patted him on the butt and kissed him goodnight......................"

"yes, yes, go on," the others demanded.

"Well, I went on to bed and apparently Bob watched ME all night."

______________________________________________

In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice-president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.

In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the union.

In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 2000, Clayton Moore, television's "Lone Ranger," died in West Hills, at age 85.

________________________________________________

Today---------Actor Martin Milner is 78, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 77, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 75 and rock singer-musician Edgar Winter is 63.

________________________________________________

Larryj







Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 29, 2009, 10:25:33 am
Today's--------------------it figures----------

A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift.  Since some assembly ---- actually, a lot of assembly ---- was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teen tiny air hub.

As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. 

"You are not going to believe this," he said.  "The one piece missing .........is the luggage!"

__________________________________________________

In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.

In 1957, singers Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme were married in Las Vegas.

In 1975, a bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's LaGuardia Airport, killing 11 people.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Actress Inga Swenson in 77, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 73, Actor Jon Voight is 71, Actor Ted Danson is 62 and Singer Marianne Faithful is 63.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 30, 2009, 09:16:48 am
Today's------------------------these sound familiar?

SIGNS THAT OLD AGE IS CREEPING UP---------

Your favorite section of the newspaper is "50 Years Ago Today."

The parts that have arthritis are the parts that feel the best.

A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill your suitcase with your pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the right or left.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

_______________________________________________

In 1853, The United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45.000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.

In 1907, The Mills Commission issued its final report, concluding that Abner Doubleday had invented baseball, a view few sports historians, if any, agree with.

In 1922, Vladimir I. Lenin proclaimed the establishment of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

________________________________________________

Today------Actor Joseph Bologna is 75, Baseball Hall of Famer Sandy Koufax is 74, Actor Fred Ward is 67, Singer-musician Michael Nesmith is 67, Singer Davy Jones is 64, Actress Concetta Tomei is 64 and Singer Patti Smith is 63.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 30, 2009, 10:22:14 am
In following up on the Gadsden Purchase reading just now, it seems the correct size of the Gadsden Purchase is 29,670 square miles.  I don't know where the paper got the 45,000 square mile figure.  I always knew about the Gadsden Purchase having lived in New Mexico, but not a whole lot.  I found out it was done to establish a southern route for a railroad. 

The things you relearn!!!

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on December 31, 2009, 09:51:52 am
Today's--------And a Happy New Year to you, too.

Last Christmas morning, after all the toys were opened, it was clear that Melissa's 5-year-old son wasn't thrilled with the ratio of toys to gifts he'd received.

As he trudged slowly up the stairs, Melissa called out, "Hey, where ya' goin?"

"To my room" he said, "to play with my socks."

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In 1759, Arthur Guiness founded his famous brewery at St. James's Gate in Dublin.

In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, NJ.

In 1985, singer Rick Nelson, 45, and six other people were killed when fire broke out aboard a DC-3 that was taking the group to a New Years' Eve performance in Dallas.

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Today------------Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 72, Actor Tim Considine is 69, Actress Sarah Miles is 68, Actor Ben Kingsley is 66, Actor Tim Matheson is 62 and Singer Donna Summer (Last Dance) is 61.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 01, 2010, 09:48:02 am
Today's---------------------------------God smiles on Pasadena on New Year's Day, always.

I was making Play-Doh animals with my 4-year-old grandniece, Abby, and her 3-year-old brother, Gavin.  While Abby was clearly molding a crude, but recognizable dog, figuring what Gavin was making was a bit more challenging.

It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."  Some time later, Abby had made another simple animal shape, but Gavin had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.  Gavin shrugged and said simply, "same truck."

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In 1808, a law prohibiting the importation of slaves into the United States went into effect.

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation declaring that slaves in rebel states were free.

In 1890, The first Tournament of Roses was held in Pasadena.

In 1892, the Ellis Island Immigration Station in New York formally opened.

In 1959, Fidel Castro and his revolutionaries overthrew Cuban leader Fulgencio Batista, who fled to the Dominican Republican.

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Today--------Actor Ty Hardin is 80, Actor Frank Langella is 72 and Rock Singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 68.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 02, 2010, 08:57:08 am
Today's--------It is not what you say, but how you say it.

A female employee at a local company had a brand-new change of clothes stolen from the break room.  Making matters worse, she had planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

As a brand new employee, Sheila didn't know any of this history, so she was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board.

"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes!"

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In 1935, Bruno Hauptmann went on trial in Flemington, N.J., on charges of kidnapping and murdering the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (Hauptmann was found guilty and executed.)

In 1978, President Richard Nixon signed legislation requiring states to limit highway speeds to 55 miles per hour.  (However, federal speed limits were abolished in 1995.)

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Today------Country Musician Harold Bradley is 84 and TV host Jack Hanna is 63.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 03, 2010, 10:42:32 am
Today's------uuuuhhhhhh-----big ooops.

My friend was given permission by her granddaughter to read the letter she had written to Santa and let me in on it as well.

Among the common presents a 6-year-old would ask for such as dolls and dollhouses, stuffed animals and Crayons, was the following request:

"And, please, Santa, will you bring some clothes for all those naked ladies in my daddy's computer?"

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In 1521, Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church by Pope Leo X.

In 1938, the March of Dimes campaign to fight polio was organized.

In 1980, conservationist Joy Adamson author of "Born Free" was killed in northern Kenya by a former employee.

In 1990, ousted Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega surrendered to U.S. forces, 10 days after taking refuge in the Vatican's diplomatic mission.

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Today------Actor Robert Loggia is 80, Actor Dabney Coleman is 78, Musician Stephen Stills is 65 and Actress Victoria Principal is 60.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on January 03, 2010, 11:07:31 am
For those who saw the portrayal of Elsa the lion and George and Joy Adamson in the motion picture “Born Free” and the sequels, Joy Adamson’s death was an unbelievable shocker.

Especially when she was reported to have been killed by a lion.

The coroner, though, determined she was murdered and the police subsequently determined the culprit was one of her former employees.

Just as shocking was George Adamson’s murder a few years later.

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 04, 2010, 11:44:05 am
Today's-------------------------------Should have been in Sunday's paper---

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church after services, the minister heard the intonation of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently his 5-year-old son and his friends had discovered a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, dug a hole and made ready for disposal of the deceased creature.

It was no surprise that the minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate words and, with sonorous dignity, he intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Fa-a-a-ather, and unto the So-o-o-o-on...............and into the hole he go-o-o-o-oes..."

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In 1809, Louis Braille, inventor of the Braille raised-dot system for the blind, was born in Coupvray, France.

In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, MD.

In 1904, the U.S. Supreme Court  ruled that Puerto Ricans were not aliens and could enter the United States freely: however, the court stopped short of declaring them U.S. citizens.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.

In 2007, Nancy Pelosi was elected the first female speaker of the House as Democrats took control of Congress.

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Today----------Actress Barbara Rush is 83, Football Hall-of-Famer coach Don Shula is 80 and Actress Dyan Cannon is 73.

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Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on January 04, 2010, 02:53:24 pm
3 Old Guys

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

 'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

 'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

 'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all. '

 'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

 'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

 Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

 'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
 

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 05, 2010, 09:44:50 am
Today's---------------------------------This could ruin your day---


A change in the weather had brought low temperatures and a threat of rain, possibly snow.  At the end of class, a kindergarten teacher was asked by a young lad if she would help him put on his boots.

It was soon evident why he asked for assistance.  Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots just didn't want to go on his feet.  By the time they were able to get the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She was speechless when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet!"

Sure enough, they were.  It wasn't any easier getting them off than it was putting them on.  But she managed to keep her cool as they struggled to get the boots on the correct feet.

The little tyke then announced, "These aren't my boots."  Although the day had been strenuous, she bit her tongue rather than lash out, demanding "Why didn't you say so at first?"  Without a word, she kneeled down and battled to once again remove the ill-fitting boots

No sooner had they removed the boots when the dear child announced proudly, "They're my brother's boots -- my mom made me wear 'em!"

At this point she didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream, but she mustered up the grace and courage to once again wrestle the boots back on.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "Oh, mom said to stuff them in the toes of my boots so I wouldn't lose 'em."

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In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Va.

In 1925, Nellie T. Ross became governor of Wyoming; she was the first female governor in U.S. history.

In 1998, Sonny Bono, the 1960's pop star-turned-politician was killed when he struck a tree while skiing at the Heavenly Ski Resort on the Nevada-California state line.  He was 62.

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Today-----Former Vice-President Walter F. Mondale is 82, Actor Robert Duvall is 79, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 64 and Actor Ted Lange is 62.

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Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 06, 2010, 09:03:47 am
Today's------------------------probably a repeat, sorry, and old, sorry, and blonde, not sorry-------

The young lady decided that the time had come to try her skills at ice fishing.  After traipsing out on the ice, she took her axe and gave the surface a might blow.  Suddenly, there was a booming voice seemingly from out of nowhere explicitly stating, "There are NO fish under the ice.

The bewildered woman looked around, but didn't see anyone, so she again struck the ice vigorously.  Once again, the booming voice said, "Stop! The are NO fish under the ice."

She again glanced all around before looking heavenward and asking, "Is that YOU, God?"

The voice answered, "No, this is Harry, the manager of this ice rink, and there are NO fish under the ice!"

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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, Va.

In 1838, Samuel; Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph, in Morristown, N.J.

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of "Four Freedoms":  Freedom of speech and expression; the freedom of people to worship God in their own way; freedom from want; freedom from fear.


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Today--------------Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 86 and Actress Bonnie Franklin is 66.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on January 06, 2010, 10:34:01 am
We got to see Earl Scruggs perform at the Winfield Blugrass festival some years back. That was a great night with lots of great music.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: srkruzich on January 06, 2010, 04:04:32 pm
Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.........
Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope...

I went to Wal-Mart and saw they had Obama
Christmas ornaments...now ain't that a bitch?
I'm surprised the NAACP ain't screaming about hanging a black man from a tree again. 
Go figure.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: twirldoggy on January 06, 2010, 06:11:11 pm
lol
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 07, 2010, 08:56:33 am
Today's------------------once in a while you get a real lame one---

"I see you went crazy at the big winter clearance sales," Rosemary commented, as she looked at all the bags of merchandise her friend Carla just brought home from the malls.

"You got that right," Carla replied.  "In fact, I almost bought the elevator on the top floor of Macy's," she confessed, "because it was marked down."

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In 1610, astronomer Galileo Galilei began observing three of Jupiter's moons, which he initially took to be stars; he spotted a fourth moon almost a week later. 

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Today------Pop musician Paul Revere is 72, Singer Kenny Loggins is 62 and Actress Erin Gray is 60.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 08, 2010, 11:02:22 am
Today;s------------------------------seniors have much wisdom

Reporters and photographers were present on an assignment to interview and photograph a woman who was celebrating her 105th birthday.

During the interview, one reporter asked, "And what do you think is one of the best things about being 105?"

The woman looked at him with a smile and twinkle in her eyes as she confided, "Well, there is very little peer pressure."

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In 1935, rock 'n' roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Miss.

In 1959, Charles de Gaulle was inaugurated as president of France's Fifth Republic.  In Cuba, Fidel Castro and his army arrived in Havana following the overthrow of Fulgencio Batista.

In 1987, for the first time, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 2,000, ending the day at 2,002.25.

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Today----Actor Comedian Larry Storch is 87, Singer Shirley Bassey is 73, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 72, Actress Yvette Mimieux is 68 and Rock legend-actor David Bowie is 63.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on January 08, 2010, 01:19:23 pm
 
       The Power of a Badge......
      DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
 A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
 " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "



       






   





Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on January 08, 2010, 01:32:54 pm
Jo, I love it, I can picture that.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on January 08, 2010, 04:50:27 pm

Wooden Leg Insurance 


A man and his wife, moved back home to Georgia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year! When they arrived in Georgia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Georgia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio .. The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.... You just have to know how to describe it!' (Those Hillbillies  know how "to git 'ER done", don't they?) 





-

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 09, 2010, 09:40:01 am
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:  Love it, Jo, thanks for the posts.

Today's---------------------------kinda sounds familiar, but still funny.

Brian, an avid golfer, plays the game at every opportunity.  He is truly a golf nut and recently spent two weeks at Pebble Beach.  He met a woman there and fell head over heels in love with her.  On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you," Brian said, "that I am a total golf addict ....... I eat, sleep and breathe golf.  I cannot exist without it.  If that's going to be a problem,, you'd better say so now."

"Well," she replied, "as long as we're being honest with each other, I think you should know that I'm a hooker."

"Oh, my!" Brian gasped, lapsing into complete silence for a moment.  "You know,"  he said somewhat confidentially, "it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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In 1788, Connecticut became the fifth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1861, Mississippi seceded from the Union.

In 1945, during World War II, American forces began landing at Lingayen Gulf in the Philippines.

In 1960, on his 47th birthday, Vice President Richard M. Nixon became a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.

In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported autobiography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.

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Today-------------Author Judith Krantz is 82, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 76, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 75 and Folk Singer Joan Baez is 69.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 10, 2010, 12:50:30 pm
Today's------------------would you believe they didn't put a joke in the paper today?  Oh well, back to the archives-----


On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you stupid cow."

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squawks, "And get me another whiskey, you airhead."

Quite upset, the poor woman comes back shaking with another whiskey, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now, you blithering twit!"

In the next moment, both he and the parrot are yanked up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. As they plunge downward, the parrot turns to the man and yells, "Ya' know, for someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."

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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."

In 1861, Florida seceded from the Union.

In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.

In 1910, Hallmark Cards had its origins as its founder, Joyce Clyde Hallo, arrived in Kansas city, MO., to begin selling postcards wholesale.

In 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

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Today-----Rock singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 75, Baseball Hall of Famer Willie McCovey is 72, Singer Frank Sinatra Jr., is 66, Singer Rod Stewart is 65 and former boxer George Foreman is 61.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 11, 2010, 09:27:05 am
Today's--------------------and remember, I don't write 'em so don't gang up on me, ladies!

Mary approached Peter looking somewhat bewildered.  Peter asked, "Is something bothering you, Mary?"

Mary replied, "Well, kind of.  I was talking with John and he said I was pretty.  Later I ran into Andy and he said I'm ugly.  What do you think, Peter?"

"Actually," Peter said,  "I think you are a little of both."

"What do you mean?" Mary asked.

"I think you're pretty ugly."

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In 1805 the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.

In 1861, Alabama seceded from the Union.

In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument.  (It became a national park in 1919.)

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland, CA, that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

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Today---Producer Grant Tinker is 85, Producer David L. Wolper is 82, Actor Rod Taylor is 80 and Country Singer Naomi Judd is 64.

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Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 12, 2010, 09:53:36 am
Today's-----------------------smart man-------

Although a bright and able man, Claire revealed that her husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.  One day, in desperation , Claire pointed out to him that their friend Yolanda had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to her, Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then Claire said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, her husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"

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In 1915, the U.S. House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.

In 1932, Hattie W. Carraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, after serving out the remainder of the term of her late husband, Thaddeus.

In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records ) in Detroit.

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Today-------Actress Luise Rainer is 100, Singer Glenn Yardborough is 80, Former heavyweight boxing champion Joe Frazier is 66 and Actor Anthony Anderson is 62.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 13, 2010, 10:38:08 am
Today's-------------------It never rains in Southern California?  So, what is all that wet stuff on my driveway?

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as some have rightly
observed, there is no other word ---- no other language --- that can do it justice.

For example:  A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 50 cents each.  Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her two quarters, but never take a pretzel.

This transaction went on for more than three years and the two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarters as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.  "Sir, I want to thank you for your business.  You are a very good customer.  But, I have to tell you that the price for a pretzel has gone up to 75 cents.

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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the union.  (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.)

In 1962, comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles, 10 days before his 43rd birthday.

In 2005, Major League Baseball adopted a tougher steroid-testing program that suspended first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly tested players year-round.

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Today-------------Country Singer Liz Anderson in 80, Comedian Rip Taylor is 76 and Actor Richard Moll is 67.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 14, 2010, 09:56:59 am
Today's-----------------------There's dumb blonde jokes and there are dumb lawyer jokes.

A small, uncertain and quite nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Uh, yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman,"  the witness stammered timidly.

The lawyer hissed angrily , "Well, of course you married a woman!  Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My, my sister did."

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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator," as he was officially known.

In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge of "segregation forever."

In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last concert together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.

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Today----------Actress Faye Dunaway is 69, Actor Carl Weathers is 62 and CBS commentator Andy Rooney is 91.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 15, 2010, 12:51:27 pm
Today's--------------------------Old, probably a repeat, but still funny--------------

The California Highway Patrol officer noticed a car creeping slowly on the freeway --- just 10 miles an hour, to be exact.  He immediately flashed on his red lights and the vehicle pulled to the side of the road.

As he approached, he noticed that the car contained five people.  The driver appeared normal, but the passengers sat rigidly ashen-faced with their elbows tightly to their sides and white-knuckled hands clutching their seats.

Turning his attention to the driver, the officer asked, "So, do you know how fast you were traveling?"

"Yes, sir," the man replied, "I always drive at the posted speed limit," pointing to a nearby sign.

"Sir, that's not the speed limit, that's the highway designation, in this case, the Interstate 10.

"Oh, you don't say." said the driver.  As the officer handed back the man's license, he asked, "By the way, what's wrong with your companions?"

The man replied, "Well, in light of what you just told me, I think they'll be all right in a while......we just go off the 215."

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In 1559, England's Queen Elizabeth 1 was crowned in Westminster Abbey.

In 1929, civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was born in Atlanta.

In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22 year old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as "Black Dahlia", were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot;  her slaying remains unsolved.

In 2009, US Airways Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger ditched his Airbus 320 in the Hudson River after a flock of birds disabled both the plane's engines;  all 155 people aboard survived.

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Today--------------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 73 and Actress Andrea Marin is 63.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 16, 2010, 10:26:44 am
Today's--------------------there is one born every minute-----------------------

A citified outdoorsman was out fishing on a lake.  He noticed another man in a boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.  Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"This is my newfound way to catch fish," said the other man.  "I just shine the mirror on the top of the water, the fish notice the dancing spot of sun on the surface and, being curious, they swim right up to the top to investigate.  Then I just reach down with my net and pull them into the boat."

"Ya' gotta be kiddin'!  Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you sell me that mirror right now?  I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay, I can come back tomorrow."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said, rapidly rowing away.

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In 1920, Prohibition began in the United  States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after its ratification.  (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)

In 1942, Carole Lombard,33, her mother and about 20 other people died when their plane crashed near Las Vegas while returning from a war-bond promotion tour.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off under extremely tight security; on board was Israel's first astronaut, Ilan Ramon.  (The mission ended in tragedy when the shuttle broke apart during its descent, killing all seven crew members.)

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Today-------------Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 76, Hall of Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 75, Singer Barbara Lynn is 68, Country Singer Ronnie Milsap is 67, Country Singer Jim Stafford is 66, Talk show host Dr Laura Schlessinger is 63 and Actress- dancer- choreographer Debbie Allen is 60.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 17, 2010, 09:18:03 am
Today's-----------------------it must be Sunday-----

At a church picnic, the pastor stacked a pile of apples on one end of the table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple, please  --- God is watching."

On the other end of the table there was a pile of cookies, on which a youngster had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want ---  God's watching the apples!"

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In 1950, the Great Brinks Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders.  (Although the entire eleven-member gang was later caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)

In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California , killing at least 72 people.

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Today------------Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon is 82, Actor James Earl Jones is 79, Talk show host Maury Povich is 71, Former heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali is 68 and actress Betty White is 88.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 18, 2010, 10:51:19 am
Today's-----------------------Rudy and I can attest to this as absolutely true.

John, a newspaper columnist and writer had worked for many, many years.  Because of his dedication, he was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid.  However, John turned down his boss' kind offer.  The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"

John said there were two reasons. 

"Well, what are they?" the boss asked.

"The first," John said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

"And the other reason?" asked the boss.

"The other reason," John replied, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

________________________________________________

In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the Hawaiian Islands, which he dubbed the "Sandwich Islands."

In 1911, the first landing of an aircraft on a ship took place as pilot Eugene B. Ely brought his Curtiss biplane in for a safe landing on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania in San Francisco Harbor.

In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, Mass., of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses.  (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison in 19873.)

___________________________________________________

Today------------Singer-Songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 69.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 19, 2010, 10:24:19 am
Today's-----------------------------What?

I was talking with my good friends, Benny and Elsie, from Lowell, Iowa, the other day.  Somehow or other, the conversation turned to relationships and I asked Benny what he considered the success of he and Elsie's marriage.

"Well," I've learned that a woman's logic is uniquely unarguable."

"Wow, that's pretty profound," I said.  "How did you reach that conclusion?"

"I can give you a perfect example.  The other day, the wife and I were having a discussion and reached a point of contention.  After several minutes of give and take there still was no resolution."

"Yes, go on,"  I said.

"It was at that point that Elsie solved the dilemma by saying; 'Sweetheart, I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.'  And, Dan,, she was absolutely right."

______________________________________________________

In 1809, author, poet and critic Edgar Allan Poe was born in Boston.

In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, N.J., in seven hour, 28 minutes and 25 seconds,

In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time with the permission of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.

______________________________________________________

Today------Actress Jean Stapleton is 87, Actress Tippi Hedren is 80, Singer Phil Everly is 71, Actress Shelley Fabares is 66, Country Singer Dolly Parton is 64 and TV chef Paula Dean is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on January 19, 2010, 04:13:09 pm
Albert DeSalvo died in a zip code? Sorry, the devil made me do it. ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 19, 2010, 07:05:46 pm
Hah!!  Just wanted to see if you were paying attention!!!!!!!!!!!!

OR MAYBE IT WAS A TYPO.

We don't get a lot of rain, averaging only 15 inches a year, but it appears we are getting it all at once in the last two days.  We even had a tornado, unheard of in this area, or at least very rare.  That probably addled me enough to actually make a typo.  AND, there is more to come in the next few days.  The news of the damage of this storm is enough to have the local TV channels to run constant coverage and override their regular programming.  Beach cities are flooding, mountain areas where the fires burned last fall are evacuating because of the possibility of mudslides, and the local ski runs are jumping for joy. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 20, 2010, 09:45:45 am
Today's------------It pays to have a good assistant------

A father told his son, Drew, "While your mother and I are gone, I want you and your brother to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room and mow the yard.

When they returned nothing had been done.  Dad was very upset.  He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"

Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."

Dad then turned to Timmy and asked, "And what have you been doing?"

Timmy replied, "I, --- I was helping Drew."

____________________________________________________

In 1841, the island of Hong Kong was ceded by China to Great Britain.  (It returned to Chinese control in July 1997.)

In 1887, the U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.

In 1942, Nazi officials held the notorious Wannsee Conference, during which they arrived at their "final solution" that called for exterminating Jews.

In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

_________________________________________________

Today-----------Country singer Slim Whitman is 86, Actress Patricia Neal is 84, Comedian Arte Johnson is  81, Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 80 and Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 70.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 21, 2010, 09:45:12 am
Today's---------------------------is your phone on speaker mode?

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)?  It can really be bothersome after a while.  My friend found a fairly easy fix for that, though.  He had his wife call the offending party's desk when he wasn't there and leave this message:

"Hi, big boy, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.  You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty, naughty boy.  You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"

From that point on, the guy took his calls in private.

_____________________________________________

In 1793, during the French Revolution, King Louis XVI, condemned for treason, was executed on the guillotine.

In 1915, the first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit.

In 1924, Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin died at age 53.

In 1968, the Battle of Khe Sanh began during the Vietnam War as North Vietnamese forces attacked a U.S. Marine base;  the Americans were able to hold their position until the siege was over two and one-half months later.

__________________________________________

Today--------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 76, Opera Singer Placido Domingo is 69, Singer Richie Havens is 69, Singer Mac Davis is 68, Actress Jill Eichenberry is 63 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicholas is 70.

__________________________________________

Larryj




Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 22, 2010, 09:42:19 am
Today's--------------------------eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!1???????????

A famed explorer was invited to a senior center to tell of his adventures in the Peruvian jungle.

"Can you imagine," he began, "a people who love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals?  Furthermore, they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals.?"

When the audience looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I have been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

___________________________________________________

In 1498, during his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, explorer Christopher Columbus  arrived at the present-day Caribbean Island of St. Vincent.

In 1901, Britain's Queen Victoria died at the age of 81.

In 1944, during World War II, Allied troops began landing at Anzio, Italy.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortion using a trimester approach. And, Former president Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actress Piper Laurie is 78 and Actor John Hurt is 70.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 23, 2010, 09:09:04 am
Today's--------------makes sense to me-----------

A couple of guys in a pickup drove into a lumber yard.  One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

"Uh," the man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.  He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right.  Now, how long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "Aw, jeez, I'd better go check."  After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time------------We're gonna build a house."

____________________________________________

In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In 1849, English-born Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman in America to receive a Doctor of Medicine degree from the Medical Institution  of Geneva, NY.

In 1950, the Israeli Knesset approved a resolution affirming Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

In 2005, former "Tonight Show" host Johnny Carson died in Malibu at age 79.

_______________________________________________

Today----------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 82, Actress Chita Rivera is 77, Actor Gil Gerard is 67, Actor Rutger Hauer is 66 and Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 60.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 24, 2010, 02:25:28 pm
Today's-------------------------------another smart kid


Kristen was preparing waffles for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.  The  boys began to argue over who would get the first waffle.

Kristen saw this as a perfect opportunity for a moral lesson, saying, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first waffle.  I can wait for the next one.'"

The message was clear to Kevin.  He turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

__________________________________________

In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of 1849.

In 1965, Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.

In 1985, the space shuttle Discovery was launched from Cape Canaveral on the first secret, all military shuttle mission.

________________________________________

Today-----Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 71, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 69, Singer Aaron Neville is 69 and Actor Ernest Borgnine is 93.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 25, 2010, 10:13:48 am
Today's------------------------posted before?

How to achieve celibacy------------------

It's imperative to understand that celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

For instance:  While attending a Marriage Seminar, John and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is absolutely essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can any of you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

John leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered confidently, "It's Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"



And, thus, began John's life of celibacy.

___________________________________________

In 1890, reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) of the New York World completed a round-the-world journey in 72 days, 6 hours and 11 minutes.

In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.

In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.

In 1959, American Airlines began jet flights between New York and Los Angeles on the Boeing 707.

___________________________________________

Today--------Actor Dean Jones is 79, Country singer Claude Gray is 78, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 65 and Blues Singer Etta James is 72.

__________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on January 25, 2010, 10:43:24 am
 
 

Cup of Tea ~ 

One day my mother was out, and my dad was  in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had  given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my  favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the  evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was  just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such  yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the  living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was  'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I  came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched  him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),  "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to  get water is the  toilet?"






Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on January 26, 2010, 08:01:52 am
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris ,  Tennessee .


After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.


The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
 
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.

 

 "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


--
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 26, 2010, 09:34:03 am
Today's-------------Well, it is

The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone.  His wife could hear him say, "Hello?"  Then he said, "Sure is."  He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again.  The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Yes it is."  He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.''

The wife asked who it was.  The man said he didn't know.

A minute later the phone rang again.  The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?"  Then he said, "It sure is."  He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked again about the caller.  The man said he didn't know who it was.  The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?"  He said, "Well, it's odd, actually.  A woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."

__________________________________________________

In 1837. Michigan became the 26th state.

In 1950, India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra Prasad took the oath of office as president.

_______________________________________

Today------------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 87, Actress Joan Leslie is 85, Sportscaster-Actor Bob Uecker is 75, Actor Scott Glenn is 71 and Activist Angela Davis is 66.

________________________________________

(note:  for all you "All My Children" fans, Actor James Mitchell who played Palmer Cortland passed away in Los Angeles last Friday,.)

______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 27, 2010, 10:15:32 am
Today's-----------------see my quote---------

Harold was concluding a speech at his lodge meeting.  He had gotten a bit carried away and talked for two hours.  Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I spoke so long ......... I left my watch at home."

A weary voice from the back of the room retorted, "There's a calendar behind you."

__________________________________

In 1756, composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in Salzburg, Austria.

In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.

In 1951, an era of atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat.

________________________________

Today-----------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 80, Actor James Cromwell is 70, and Ballet Star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 62

______________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 28, 2010, 09:37:09 am
Today's-------------------be careful what and how you ask for something---

Leland's best friend died, so he called a nearby flower shop to order a wreath of flowers to be featured at the wake.

"Please put an extra-wide ribbon on it,"Leland told the clerk, "and print 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and, if there's room, 'We Shall Meet In Heaven.'"

The clerk assured him that his order will be fulfilled and the wreath promptly delivered to the funeral home.

Sure enough, the wreath arrived and was set up next to the casket.  But the mourners were stunned when they observed the display.

On the extra-wide ribbon was the inscription, "Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there's room, we shall meet in Heaven."

________________________________________


In 1547, England's King Henry VIII died; he was succeeded by his 9-year-old son, Edward VI.

In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven of its crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.

__________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Alan Alda is 74, Actress Susan Howard is 68 and Actress-singer Barbi Benton is 60.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 29, 2010, 09:58:57 am
Today's---------------------Tee Hee------hold on to your coffee cups!

Jack and Jill already had several children, including two rambunctious twins, and the husband was thrilled when the Doctor announced they were going to have twins again.

He asked his wife to start thinking of names.  "Well," she said, "let's see now ------ we already have Adolph and Rudolph -----  how about---------------------------------------Getoff and Stayoff."

______________________________________________

In 1845, Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.

In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.

In 1936, the first members of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown. N.Y.

_________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actor John Forsythe is 92, Actor Noel Harrison is 76, Actress Katharine Ross is 70, Actor Tom Selleck is 65 and Actress Ann Jillian is 60. 

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 30, 2010, 10:51:57 am
Today's----------------------Sounds familiar?

An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical.  As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh, oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "Is there a problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm detecting a fairly profound heart murmur ... Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man, "I quit decades ago."

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No," replied the man, "only a glass of wine now and then."

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Uh, well, yes, I do."

"Unfortunately," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you're going to have to cut your sex life in half."

Looking perplexed, the elderly fellow asked, "Which half ---- the looking or the thinking?"

___________________________________________________

In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.

In 1960, the American Football League awarded a franchise to Oakland, CA..

In 1964, the United States launched Ranger 6, an unmanned spacecraft carrying television cameras that crash landed on the moon, but failed to send back images.

In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.

_________________________________________________

Today---------------Actress Dorothy Malone is 85, Actor Gene Hackman is 80, Actress Tammy Grimes is 76, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 73, Country Singer Jeanne Pruett is 73, Country Singer Norma Jean is 72 and Former VP Dick Cheney is 69.

_________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on January 31, 2010, 09:28:42 am
Today's-------again-------------be careful what you ask for.

Mary Lou had invited some people to the family home for Sunday dinner.

After everyone had arrived and were seated at the table, Mary Lou turned to her six-year-old daughter and asked, "Lareve, would you please say the blessing for us?"

"Oh, mommy, I don't know what to say," she lamented.

"Just say what you hear mommy say," Mary Lou suggested.

Lareve then bowed her head and solemnly said, "Good Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?! Amen."

______________________________________________________


In 1945, Pvt. Eddie Slovik, 24, became the first U.S. soldier since the Civil War to be executed for desertion as he was shot by an American firing squad in France.

In 1971, astronauts Alan Shepard Jr., Edgar Mitchell and Stuart Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon.

_______________________________________________________

Today----------Former Interior Secretary Stewart Udall is 90, Actress Carol Channing is 89, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 79, Actor Stuart Margolin is 70, Actress Jessica Walter is 69 and Baseball hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on January 31, 2010, 09:38:46 am
I have GOT to stop trying to read without my glasses. I thought the little girl's name was Larvae!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Warph on January 31, 2010, 07:20:53 pm

Adam Cartwright, dead at 81 Jan. 24th.... They are all dead now... Ben, Hoss, Little Joe, now Adam.  Wonder who's going to run the ranch now that the men have gone to there greater reward.  


Pernell Roberts of 'Bonanza' and 'Trapper John, MD' dies 81
 
Pernell Elvin Roberts (May 18, 1928 – January 24, 2010) was an American television actor and singer. He was best known for his roles as Ben Cartwright's eldest son, Adam Cartwright, on the western series Bonanza (a role he played from 1959 to 1965), and as chief surgeon, Dr. John MacIntyre, the title character on Trapper John, M.D. (1979-1986).

Born: Pernell Elvin Roberts Waycross, Georgia, U.S.
Died: Malibu, California, U.S.

He came to prominence playing Ben Cartwright's urbane eldest son, Adam, in the Western television series Bonanza. Despite the show’s success, he left after the sixth season in 1965 due to disagreements with the writers and a desire to return to legitimate theatre.

He was known for his activism, which included participation in the Selma to Montgomery marches in 1965, and pressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters.

Roberts died of cancer at his home in Malibu, California on January 24, 2010, aged 81




Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on January 31, 2010, 08:32:32 pm
Quote
pressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters.

At one time, American audiences would not go to see a movie with minority actors in major roles.

In Birth of a Nation, the black speaking parts were played with white actors in blackface. Non speaking parts were real blacks.

The Charlie Chan character, which appeared in almost fifty movies was played by a white player after the first one cast with a Chinese actor could not draw an audience.

Even Pearl Bucks The Good Earth featured whites in the major Chinese roles.

The biggest miscast of all has to be John Wayne as Genghis Khan and Susan Hayward as his oriental love interest.

There was a fellow, though, that saw through all this and drew movie goers despite featuring minority actors. He even had a Chinese cowgirl as his costar in one. That man was William Boyd better known as Hopalong Cassidy.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 01, 2010, 09:41:10 am
Today's--------------------------We should all play golf, right, Warph?

An 80-year-old Italian gentleman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asked, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer." said the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up, down and around the fairways.  I then have a glass of vino, and all is well."

'Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it than that.  How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor is amazed.  "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive?  How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old." says the elderly Italian golfer.  "In fact, he golfs with me regularly, and then we go to the topless beach to pick up some girls and then have a little vino and that's why he's still alive.  So you see he's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.  How about your father's father?  How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Nono's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "are you telling me you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living?  Incredible, how old is he?

"He's 119 years old," said the old Italian golfer.

The doctor was somewhat frustrated at this point and sarcastically said, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?"

"No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.  "Getting married!  Why would a 119-year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

___________________________________________________

In 1943, one of America's most highly decorated military units of World War II, the 442nd Regimental Combat Team, made up almost exclusively of Japanese-Americans, was authorized,

In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a whites-only Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, N.C., which refused to serve them; similar protests sprang up across the South.

In 1968, during the Vietnam War, South Vietnam's police chief (Nguyen Ngoc Loan) executed a Viet Cong officer with a pistol shot to the head.  Richard M. Nixon announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during reentry, killing all seven of it's crew members.

_______________________________________________________

Today--------Actor Stuart Whitman is 82, Actor Garrett Morris is 73, Actor Sherman Hemsley is 72 and TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 69.

Also------Frank Buckles, America's last surviving World War I veteran, is 109.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj





Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 02, 2010, 09:56:36 am
Today's---------------------------danged Alzheimer's!


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.  When she was discharged from the hospital and came home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said, "I'll make some coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, no, not yet," she said.

After another 10 minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, no, not quite yet," she replied.

Growing somewhat impatient, I asked, "Well, when CAN I see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES!" I said, completely befuddled, "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"

"Because I forgot where I put him, OK?"

_____________________________________________

In 1653, New Amsterdam _ now New York City _ was incorporated.

In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.
 
In 1870, the "Cardiff Giant," supposedly the petrified remains of a human discovered in Cardiff, N.Y., was revealed to be nothing more than carved gypsum.

In 2005, German heavyweight boxer Max Schmeling died at age 99.

__________________________________________


Today-------------------Actress Elaine Stritch is 85, Actor Robert Mandan is 78, Comedian Tom Smothers is 73, Rock Singer Graham Nash is 68, Actor Bo Hopkins is 68, Country Singer Howard Bellamy is 64 and actor Brent Spiner is 61.

_________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 03, 2010, 10:01:06 am
Today's---------------I sympathize with this guy; I have to type this while standing on my head and my eyes shut.

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of a broom handle everywhere except on the green, where he used an old umbrella for putting.

On the 19th, I told him how impressed I was.  "I guess it's because I'm a genius,"  he replied casually.  "I find everything so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."

"Billiards for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew with one hand tied behind my back.  I never lose.  I have to make it difficult, or I would get bored."

"And, target shooting with high-powered rifles," he went on.  "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it with one hand, my left hand even though I am right-handed.  I sight with my right eye and stand on one leg while the rest of my competitors lie prone to hold the weapon stable.

"Even then, I win every time.  Nothings any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."

I was impressed.  "Got any kids?" I inquired.

"Well," he replied, "my wife's pregnant, and before you ask.................................................

standing in a hammock at the top of two tall pine trees."

____________________________________________

In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for federal income tax, was ratified.

In 1943, during World War II, the U.S transport ship Dorchester, which was carrying troops to Greenland, sank after being hit by a German torpedo; of the more than 900 men aboard, only some 230 survived.  Four Army chaplains gave their life belts to four other men, and went down with the ship.

In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

_________________________________________

Today-------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 84, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 70, Actress Blythe Danner is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 65, Singer Melanie is 63 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 60.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 04, 2010, 09:10:14 am
Today's--------------------Groaners, do not take a drink of coffee while reading this.

Vincent the veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist.  One day, one of his experiments paid off.

He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog.  The result was a small, long-nosed round-shaped dog with long orange-tinted hair.

For a while, the dog was very, very happy and playful.  But then he became lethargic and morose.  The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.

Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.  The dog was just a little-------------------------melon collie.

________________________________________________

In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began a wartime conference at Yalta.

In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

________________________________________________

Today------------Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 66, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 63, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 62 and Actor Michael Beck is 61.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 05, 2010, 09:40:36 am
Today's-----------------another smart kid!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The final question was "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk."  This question, the students were told, was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular started off with no difficultly whatsoever by noting:

1.  It is the perfect formula for the child.

2.  It provides immunity against several  diseases.

3.  It is always at the correct temperature.

4.  It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6.  It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.  He could think of nothing,  Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he scribbled.............

7.   It  comes in two really nifty containers,


He got an A.

_________________________________________


In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed a Judiciary Reorganization Bill that would have increased the number of Supreme Court justices; critics accused Roosevelt of attempting to "pack" the court.  (The measure failed in Congress.)

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.

In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that all but a small rear-guard contingent of its troops had left Afghanistan.

_______________________________________

Today----------------Country Singer Claude King is 87, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 76, Actor David Selby is 69, Singer-songwriter Barrett Strong is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 68, Race Car Driver Darrell Waltrip is 63, Actor Christopher Guest is 62 and Actress Barbara Hershey is 62.

___________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 07, 2010, 10:30:25 am
Today's--------------------is short and sweet

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends, when the subject of marriage counseling comes up.

"Oh, we'll never need that!!!" the wife gushes, "My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife continued, "he was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts .....  he communicates real well and I act like I'm listening!"

_______________________________________________

In 1812, Charles Dickens was born in Portsmouth, England.

In 1904, a fire began in Baltimore that raged about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings.

In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year.

__________________________________________________

Today------------Author Gay Talese is 78.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 08, 2010, 08:10:33 am
Today's------------------a Sunday joke in Monday's paper?

During the announcement portion at Sunday services, the minister noted that a longtime member of the church, Charlotte Burkel, was 111 years old and asked the congregation to applaud this milestone.

The announcement was followed by absolute silence and solemn stares directed toward the young minister.  Looking back over his notes, he cleared his throat and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry, but I have misread my notes.  Will you please keep Charlotte Burkel in your prayers because she is ill."

__________________________________________

In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.

In 1924, the first execution by gas in the United States took place at the Nevada State Prison in Carson City as Gee Jon, a Chinese immigrant convicted of murder, was put to death.

In 1960, work began on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, located at Hollywood and Vine in Los Angeles.

______________________________________

Today--------Composer-Conductor John Williams is 78, Former ABC News anchor Ted Koppel is 70, Actor Nick Nolte is 69. Comedian Robert Klein is 68 and Actress Brooke Adams is 61.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 09, 2010, 11:26:07 am
Today-------------------------experience is a good lesson------------

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping, in general, would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.  When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing as a "bachelor," he crowed, "I made a cake and frosted it; washed the kitchen windows; cleaned all the cupboards; scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls, and ceiling; and even took a nice, long shower."

I was surprised and just about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl ..............so I had to do all that other stuff."

_______________________________________________

In 1942, daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned forward one hour.

In 1960, Adolph Coors Co. chairman Adolph Coors III, 44, was shot to death during a botched kidnapping attempt while on his way to the family brewery in Golden, CO.  (Coors' body wasn't found for seven months; the man who killed him, Joseph Corbett Jr. served 19 years in prison.  Corbett committed suicide in Aug. 2009.)

_______________________________________________

Today----------Actress Kathryn Grayson is 88. Television journalist Roger Mudd is 82, Actress Jane Suzman is 71, Singer-Songwriter Carol King is 68, Actor Joe Pesci is 67, Singer Barbara Lewis is 67, Singer Joe Ely is 63, Actress Judith Light is 61 and Actress Mia Farrow is 65.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 10, 2010, 09:35:37 am
Today's------------------------------------sarcasm is funny


The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine an elderly gentleman known through-out the hospital to be a quick-witted, sarcastic and no-nonsense-to-the-point type of fellow.

After the exam, the doctor, in his best professional voice, said smoothly, "Hmmmm, definite improvement, definite improvement.  You're coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should, "snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."

______________________________________________

In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

In 1968, U.S. figure-skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.

In 1989, Ron Brown was elected chairman of the DNC, becoming the first African American to head a major U.S. political party.

___________________________________________________

Today--------Opera Singer Leontyne Price is 83, Actor Robert Wagner is 80, Singer Roberta Flack is 73 and Olympic  gold medalist Mark Spitz is 60.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on February 10, 2010, 09:56:56 am

Is this true, Guys?

  Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
 
Ever wonder why?
 

It's because she smells like a new truck.

 


 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

 

 
 

 
 

 
 


 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 11, 2010, 09:20:37 am
Good one, Judy, I hadn't thought of that, but then I don't remember any girls I dated that had a leather dress and the fact that she smelled like a truck would be the last thing on my mind on a date.

Today's-------------Gotta get this in before the server goes down---


A little boy named Ezra wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he really gave the teacher a surprise by walking up to her desk, tapping her on the shoulder and warning, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

__________________________________________

In 1858, a French girl, Bernadette Soubirous, reported the first of 18 visions of a lady dressed in white in a grotto near Lourdes.  (The Catholic Church later accepted that the visions were of the Virgin Mary.)

In 1990, South African black activist, Nelson Mandela, was freed after 27 years of captivity.


_________________________________________

Today-----Actor Leslie Nielsen is 84, Actor Conrad Janis is 82, Actress Tina Louise is 76, Actor Burt Reynolds is 74 and Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 69.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 12, 2010, 09:20:44 am
Today's----------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat.

A dietician stood solemnly before the large audience in a senior center.  As the crowd quieted, he began.  "The material we put into our stomachs," he confided, "is potent enough to have killed most of us years ago."

"Red meat is unhealthful, carbonated drinks erode the lining of the stomach, some foods have MSG and other material in it which makes it dangerous to eat.  Cookies, candy, and fat-laden foods can be disastrous on the arteries, liver, eyes and nervous system.  And none of us really realizes just how many miscellaneous chemicals can be found in that which we eat."

"But," he exclaimed forcefully with his arm raised and index finger pointed heavenward, "one thing is the most dangerous of all!
Can anyone venture a guess what it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

An 82-year-old chap stood up and suggested, "Wedding cake?"

________________________________________________


In 1554, Lady Jane Grey, who'd claimed the throne of England for nine days, and her husband, Guildford Dudley, were beheaded after being condemned for high treason.

In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, KY.

In 1909, the NAAP was founded.

In 2000, Charles M. Shultz, creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip, died in Santa Rosa at age 77.

_______________________________________________

Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Joe Garagiola is 84, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 76, Actor Joe Don Baker is 74, Author Judy Blume is 72, Country Singer Moe Bandy is 66, Actress Maude Adams is 65, Actor Michael Ironside is 60 and Rock musician Ray Manzarek (The Doors) is 71.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 13, 2010, 09:42:06 am
Today's--------Just for the groaners.

He loved her very much.  He wanted this Valentine's Day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived at his office in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at a local florist.  He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.  He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent  -- well beyond his expectations.

He added a card, and proceeded home.  When he arrived, he presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she said to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

_________________________________________

In 1920, the League of Nations recognized the perpetual neutrality of Switzerland.

In 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J., found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (Hauptmann was later executed.)

In 1945, during World War II, Allied planes began fire-bombing the German city of Dresden.

In 1980, the 13th Winter Olympics opened in Lake Placid, N.Y.

_________________________________________


Today------Former Test Pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager is 87, Actress Kim Novak is 77, Actor George Segal is 76, Actress Carol Lynley is 68, Actress Stockard Channing is 66, Talk Show Host Jerry Springer is 66 and Actor Bo Svenson is 66.

__________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 14, 2010, 10:06:47 am
Today's-------WOW!  Groaners two days in a row.

A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face.

Using only gestures, he explained to the doctor that someone in the crowd was apparently unhappy with his act  and attacked him with pepper spray, which seemingly reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns.

The doctor shook his head and proclaimed, "A mime is a terrible thing to mace."

______________________________________________

In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; it's first president was Maud Wood Park.

In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

_____________________________________________

Today------TV personality Hugh Downs is 89, Country Singer Razzie Bailey is 71, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 66, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 62 and Actress-Singer Florence Henderson is 76.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 15, 2010, 09:27:13 am
Today's------------maybe should have put this on the "birds" thread

Every evening, a bird watcher named Maurice stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl -- and one night, an owl called back to him. 

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in communication between species, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said with a slight chuckle.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."

_____________________________________________

In 1820, American suffragist Susan B. Anthony was born in Adams, MA.

In 1879, President Rutherford B. Hayes signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court.

In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.

In 1944, Allied bombers destroyed the monastery atop Monte Cassino in Italy.

In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan, after more than nine years of military intervention.

______________________________________________

Today------Actor Kevin McCarthy is 96, Actor Allan Arbus is 92. Actress Claire Bloom is 79 and Songwriter Brian Holland is 69.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 16, 2010, 09:35:41 am
Today's-----------------------something is getting through to her students

An English teacher at the local university spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work

She wasn't sure how much of an impact she was having until one overly busy day when she was sitting at her desk, rubbing her temples.

A student approached her and asked, "What's the matter, Dr. Conrad?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again:

"What was the matter?..........What has been the matter?.........What might have been the matter?......"

_____________________________________________

In 1923, the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen's recently unearthed tomb was unsealed in Egypt by English archaeologist Howard Carter.

In 1959, Fidel Castro became premier of Cuba, a month and a-half after the overthrow of Fulgencia Batista.

In 1968, the nation's first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.

______________________________________________

Today------Singer Patty Andrews is 92, Kim Jong II, the president of North Korea is 68 and Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 67.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on February 17, 2010, 07:58:56 am
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

 The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
 news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
 The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
 waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
 when things don't go so well.

 In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the
 club and have a martini.'
 After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
 were some laughs and more martinis.

 They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
 were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

 The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.'
 The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
 hasty retreat.
 After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
 your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
 I'm gone.'

 And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'


 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....
 Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
 often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
 

 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 17, 2010, 08:48:47 am
Today's--------ya can't tell the players without a scorecard---

A new teacher's aide at an elementary school is really eager to help.  One day during recess she notices a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids are enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.

The aide approaches and asks if she is all right.  The girl says she is, but a little while later the aide sees the girl in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, the aide asks, "Would you like me to be your friend?"  The girl hesitates and looks at the woman suspiciously, then says, "OK."

Feeling she is making progress, the aide asks, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl says with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

___________________________________________

In 1801, the U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, electing Jefferson president; Burr became vice president.

In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers,, convened its first meeting in Washington.

In 1919, Chiricahua (chi-rih-KAH-wuh) Apache leader Geronimo (also known as Goyathlay, "One Who Yawns) died at Fort Sill, OK. at age 79.

In 1947, the Voice of America began broadcasting to the Soviet Union.

___________________________________________

Today-------Bandleader Orrin Tucker is 99, Actor Hal Holbrook is 85, Singer Bobby Lewis is 77, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 74 and Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 71.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 18, 2010, 09:07:39 am
Today's-------------------poor guy

A couple goes to a play, looks around and finds their seats with some guy sprawled across them.

"Hey, buddy," the man says, "please get up so we can sit down."

The guy squints and groans, "Uhhhhhh...."

"Come on, get up," the man says again.  Again the response is the same:  "Uhhhhh...."

"OK," the man says, "I'm getting the manager."

The manager arrives and tells the guy to get off the seats, but only gets the same response.  With that the manger tells the guy in the seats he is calling the police.

The cop comes in and says to the guy, "Hey, bud, get outta the seats."

"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.

The cop says:  "That's it!  Get outta those seats right now!"

"Uhhhhh...." the guy responds.

"Enough," the cop declares.  "What's your name?"

"Monty," the guy moans

"That's better.........where are you from, Monty?" the cop asks.

"Uhhhhh.....the balcony."

_______________________________________


In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.  (it had been published in Canada and England the previous December.)

In 1970, the "Chicago Seven" defendants were found not guilty of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic national convention; five were convicted of violating the Anti-Riot Act of 1968 and those convictions were later reversed.

In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died from injuries suffered in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Former Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown is 88, Actor George Kennedy is 85, Singer Yoko Ono is 77  and Actress Cybill Shepherd is 60.

____________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on February 18, 2010, 10:00:26 am
I think this one has been around before but I couldn't resist posting it again. Who thinks of such things?

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings..'

The bear, very angry now, says,
'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says,  'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer..


The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'

(You're gonna love me for this...)


The bartender says,
 'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate.'
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Dee Gee on February 18, 2010, 01:08:25 pm
Frank, that is really bad.  ;D :laugh:
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: frawin on February 18, 2010, 01:18:58 pm
I know Dale, Myrna thought so to, the Devil made me do it.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 19, 2010, 09:38:49 am
Today's--------------------------so what's the problem?

My buddy and I decided to meet and have dinner.  We selected the fish dish for two.  The waiter brought a nicely prepared platter with two fish, one slightly larger than the other.  My friend pushed the plate toward me and urged, "Please help yourself."

I said, "OK," and helped myself to a fish, which happened to be the larger of the two.

After a tense silence, my friend admonished me by saying, "Really now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish."

Unrepentant, I looked at him and replied, "Well, what are you complaining about --- you have it, don't you?"

_________________________________________

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the military to relocate and intern U.S. residents, including native-born Americans of Japanese ancestry.  Japanese warplanes raided the Australian city of Darwin; at least 243 people were killed.

In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

In 2008, an ailing Fidel Castro resigned the Cuban presidency after nearly a half-century in power; his brother Raul was later named to succeed him.

______________________________________

Today--------Singer Smokey Robinson is 70, Singer Lou Christie is 67 and Actor Michael Nader is 65.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 20, 2010, 09:49:29 am
Today's----------I sense alzheimer's----


A group of Army buddies arranged to meet regularly every 10 years to catch up.  For the 10-year reunion, they met at a bar called McGinty's Pub because the waitresses wore short skirts and low cut blouses. 

For the 20-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because it had good beer on tap.

For the 30-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because diet meals were featured on the menu.

For the 40-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because there was handicap access.

For the 50-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because they had never been there before.

_________________________________________

In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.

In 1944, during World War II, U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers in a seres of attacks that became know as "Big Week."

In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard the Mercury spacecraft Friendship 7.

______________________________________

Today------Fashion Designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 86, Actor Sidney Poitier is 83, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 76, Jazz-soul singer Nancy Wilson is 73, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 73, Singer-songwriter Buffy Saint-Marie is 69 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 68.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 21, 2010, 11:19:33 am
Today's--------------sounds like great advertising

Just before Valentine's Day, I went into the Post Office and saw a young, finely dressed man standing at the counter methodically  placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

The man then took out a perfume bottle and began spraying a very sensuous scent all over them.  My curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what he was doing.

The guy says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed 'guess who?'"

"Are you actually involved with that many women?" I asked.

"No," said the frenzied mailer.  "I don't know any of them."

"Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" I inquired.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

_____________________________________________

In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.

In 1916, the World War I Battle of Verdun began in France as German forces attacked; the French were able to prevail after 10 months of fighting.

In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.

____________________________________________

Today----Actress Rue McClanahan is 76, Actor Gary Lockwood is 73, Actress Tyne Daly is 64 and Actor Anthony Daniels is 64.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 22, 2010, 09:31:22 am
Today's-------------might be a repeat, at least, I have heard it and it is still funny.


With Spring soon approaching, it seems appropriate at this time to mention the following:

Due to the frequency of human and bear encounters, the Wildlife Department is advising hikers, campers, hunters and any others who use the wilderness and back-country areas in a recreational or work-related manner, to take precautions while in the field.

Outdoorsmen/women are urged to wear small, noisy bells on their clothing so as to give warning and not startle/surprise any bears that may be close by.

It is also strongly advised for those using the out-of-doors to carry an ample supply of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen/women should also be on the lookout for bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear scat (feces) and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear scat is full of squirrel fur and miscellaneous berries, while that of the grizzly bear has little bells and smells like pepper.

___________________________________________________

In 109, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.


In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" occurred in Lake Placid, NY, as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets 4-3.  (The U.S. team went on to win the gold medal.)

In 1984, 12-year-old David Vetter, who'd spent most of his life in a plastic bubble because he had no immunity to disease died 15 days after being removed from the bubble for a bone-marrow transplant.

___________________________________________________

Today--------Announcer Don Pardo is 92, Actress Julie Walters is 62, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 60 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sparky Anderson is 76.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 23, 2010, 09:29:27 am
Today's---------maybe some rose-colored ones?

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband the previous week.

"How can I help you, madam?" the clerk asked.

"I'm here to return these glasses I bought for my husband.  He's still not seeing things my way."

____________________________________________

In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1870, Mississippi was readmitted to the Union.

In 1945, during World War II, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi, where they raised the American flag twice.  (The second flag-raising was captured in the iconic photograph taken by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press.)

In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk Vaccine began in Pittsburgh.

____________________________________________


Today---------Actor Peter Fonda is 70, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 67, Author John Sandford is 66 and Country-Rock musician Rusty Young is 64.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 24, 2010, 08:57:36 am
Today's----------why not fruit of the loom?

My sister, Bonnie, was very busy getting her house clean.  She'd finally gotten to the basement and, after quite a few trips up and down, she heard the telephone ring upstairs.

Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end, "Hello, is this Bonnie --------?"

"Yes, it is."

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Without hesitation she told him ............

"Hanes," and hung up.

______________________________________________

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull, or edict, outlining his calendar reforms.  (The Gregorian Calendar is the calendar in general use today.)

In 1821, Mexican rebels proclaimed the "Plan de Iguala" their declaration of independence from Spain.

In 1868, the House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton; Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.

In 1980, the U.S. hockey team defeated Finland, 4-2, to clinch the gold medal in the Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, N.Y.

____________________________________________________

Today---------Actor Stephen Hill is 88, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 78, Actor James Farentino is 72, Actor Edward James Olmos is 63 and Actor Abe Vigoda is 89.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Warph on February 24, 2010, 05:45:38 pm


Geez.... I thought Actor Abe Vigoda was 89 thirty years ago.... are you sure he's not doing a "Weekend At Bernie's" type sequel to make us think he's still alive?




Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 25, 2010, 09:42:49 am
Today's----------------------aren't we all----

Little Leonard walks up to his Aunt and says, "Holy smokes, Aunt Edna, why are you so doggone ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Leonard into the kitchen and through clenched teeth, demanded "How could you say that to your Aunt?  .......asking why she is so doggone ugly!  For Heaven's sake!"

"Because she is," said Little Leonard.  His mother said, "That's immaterial.  You get back in there and apologize to her, right now!  I mean it .....you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Leonard goes into the living room, walks over to his aunt and says, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so doggone ugly."

___________________________________________________

In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.

In 1964, Cassius Clay (later Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

In 1986, President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines after 20 years of rule in the wake of a tainted election; Corazon Aquino assumed the presidency.

In 1991, during the Persian Gulf War, 28 Americans were killed when an Iraqi Scud missile hit a U.S. barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.

_________________________________________________

Today------Actor Tom Courtenay is 73, Actress Diane Baker is 72 and Actress Karen Grassle is 66.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 26, 2010, 09:46:40 am
Today's--------------------another one from "the mouths of babes"

My friend Renee and her 3-year-old daughter, Cicely, went shopping with Renee's mother, Anita.

A rather large woman, Anita sometimes had a tough time finding just the right fit.  When Anita picked out a yellow suit, Cicely went into the dressing room with her.

A moment later, Anita asked her how she liked the outfit.  Cicely replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty ....... just like a big, yellow school bus."

The suit was quickly put back on the rack and the shopping "spree" ended.

____________________________________________________

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signed a measure establishing Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.

In 1987, the Tower Commission, which probed the Iran-Contra affair, issued its report, which rebuked President Ronald Reagan for failing to control his national security staff.

In 1993, a bomb built by Islamic extremists exploded in the parking garage of New York's World Trade Center, killing six people and injuring more than 1,000 others.

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Singer Mitch Ryder is 65 and (would you believe?) Singer Fats Domino is 82.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 27, 2010, 10:09:17 am
Today's-------------------------Something I get to look forward to----

                   SOME ADVANTAGES TO TURNING 75

Your assorted joints can forecast weather changes

There's not much left to learn the hard way

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.

In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your eyes and hearing won't get much worse.

You can sing along with elevator music.

People no longer consider you a hypochondriac.

You actually enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

Getting a speeding ticket isn't much of a worry.

______________________________________________

In 1801, the District of Columbia was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress.

In 1922, the Supreme Court , in Leser v. Garnett, unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment  to the Constitution which guaranteed the right of women to vote.

In 1933, Germany's parliament building, the Reichstag, was gutted by fire.  Chancellor Adolf Hitler, blaming the Communists, used the fire as justification for suspending civil liberties.

In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.


_____________________________________________________

Today-------Actress Joanne Woodward is 80, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 76, Actress Barbara Babcock is 73, Actor Howard Hesseman is 70 and Actress Elizabeth Taylor is 78.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on February 28, 2010, 10:01:54 am
Today's-------------paper failed to put the joke in today, so back to the archives------------

A young fellow had discovered his wife was having an affair.  His buddy consoled him and said, "Hey, pal, take it easy---it's not the end of the world."

The young fellow said, "That's easy for you to say.  What would you do if you discovered someone in bed with your wife?"

His buddy said, "Why, I would break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the butt!"

______________________________________________________

In 1960, a day after defeating the Soviets at the Winter Games in Squaw Valley, Calif., the United States won its first Olympic hockey gold medal by defeating Czechoslovakia's team, 9-4.

In 1849, the California gold rush began in earnest as regular steamship service started bringing gold-seekers to San Francisco.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai issued the Shanghai Communique at the conclusion of Nixon's historic visit to China.

____________________________________________________

Today ---------- (lots of them, probably why they didn't put the joke in)---Actor Charles Durning is 87, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 79, Actor Don Francks is 78, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 71, Hall-of-Fame Auto racer Mario Andretti is 70, Singer Joe South is 70, Actor Frank Bonner is 70, Actress Kelly Bishop is 66, and Actress Bernadette Peters is 62.

___________________________________________________

Larryj





Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 01, 2010, 01:02:37 pm
Today's---------------don't even go there!

I'm sure you've seen the tantalizing visual and olfactory features at many supermarkets now.

In the produce aisle there is a device that helps keep the produce really fresh.  Every so often, a flash of light and misters will activate to spray water on the produce as well as give off the scent of fresh, falling rain.  Refreshing, eh?

Moving over to the dairy section, when one passes by, there is the sounds of contented (I assume they are contented) cows mooing , and one is offered the scent of fresh mown hay.  Hey, how about that?

Passing the meat department there is the delicious aroma of hickory and charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.  I'm salivating just thinking about it.

When one approaches the egg case, one hears  the robust hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the wonderful aroma of sizzling bacon and eggs frying.  Yummy!

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and warm sugar cookies.  Hmmmm, goody!

I haven't been down the toilet paper aisle yet.

____________________________________________

In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.

In 1867, Nebraska became the 37th state.

In 1940, the novel "Native Son" by Richard Wright was first published by Harper and Brothers.

In 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps.

___________________________________________________

Today-----Actor Robert Clary is 84, Singer Harry Belafonte is 83, Actor Robert Conrad is 75, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 66, Actor Dirk Benedict is 65 and Actor Alan Thicke is 63

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 02, 2010, 09:12:21 am
Today's-------------------I think this one might be older than I am-------------

A boy asked his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation and frustration.  His father, Maurice, picks up the phone and dials a number at random.  When the phone is answered, he asks, "May I speak to Maurice, please?"

"No, I'm sorry, there's no one here named Maurice," says the person who answered the phone.  His father hangs up.  "That's irritation," he says.

Maurice picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Maurice a second time.  "No, there's no one here named Maurice.  Don't call this number again!" the person says.  His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." 

"Then what could be frustration?" asks his son.

His father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Howdy, this is Maurice, have there been any calls for me?"

__________________________________________________

In 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the winner of the 1876 presidential election over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though Tilden had won the popular vote.

In 1899, Mount Rainier National Park in Washington state was established.

In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act..

In 1943, the World War II Battle of the Bismarck Sea began; U.S. and Australian warplanes were able to inflict heavy damage on a Japanese convoy.

__________________________________________________


Today----------Actor John Cullum s 80, Author Tom Wolfe is 80, Actress Barbara Luna is 71, Actor Jon Finch is 69, Author John Irving is 68 and Singer Lou Reed is 68.

________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 03, 2010, 11:42:42 am
Today's----------------there's a way to get whatever you want, I guess-------

The waitress approaches and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Nicholson and their little son, Jackson.  She says, "Jackson, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jackson, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "You have bread, don't you?"  She says, "Yes."  He says, "Well, then, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."  Jackson is only four years old!

After getting the cook's okay, the waitress returns and says, "Jackson, I forgot to ask you what you want to drink."  He says, "I'll have a chocolate milkshake."

She says, "Jackson, I know your parents have already told you we don't serve milkshakes."  (She was ready for him this time.)  "Now, it is true we have milk.  And it is true we have ice cream.  But, we don't have the syrup!"

Jackson looks at her and says, "You have a car, don't you?"

_______________________________________________________

In 1845, Florida became the 27th state.

In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.
 
In 1918, Germany, Austria-Hungary, Bulgaria, the Ottoman Empire and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, which ended Russian participation in World War I.  (The treaty was rendered moot by the November 1918 armistice.)

In 1940, Artie Shaw and his orchestra recorded "Frenesi" for RCA Victor.

In 1945, the Allies fully secured the Philippine capital of Manila from Japanese forces during World War II.

In 1960, actress-comedian Lucille Ball filed for divorce from her husband, Desi Arnaz, a day after they'd finished filming the last episode of "The Luci-Desi Comedy Hour."  ("Lucy meets the mustache") on Arnaz's 43rd birthday.


______________________________________________________

Today------Socialite Lee Radziwill is 77 and Singer Jennifer Warnes is 63

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 04, 2010, 09:40:45 am
Today's-------------------"yeah, right!!!!"

Sherrie was having problems with her sliding closet door  ----  it would jump off track and jam every time a bus passed by.  So she called a repairman.  He arrived and said, "OK, I'm gonna see what is going on ............. just close the door behind me" and he stepped into the closet.

At that time, Sherrie's husband arrived home from work, slid open the closet door and found the repairman standing there.

"Just what the heck are you doing here?" the husband hissed.

The repairman, nerves somewhat rattled, said, "Well, you're probably not gonna believe this, but I'm waiting for a bus."

___________________________________________________

In 1791, Vermont became the 14th state.

In 1858, Sen. James Henry Hammond of South Carolina declared "Cotton is king" in a speech to the U.S. Senate.

In 1930, Coolidge Dam in Arizona was dedicated by its namesake, former President Calvin Coolidge.

In 1933, Franklin D. Roosevelt took office as America's 32nd  president.

In 1940, Kings Canyon National Park in California was established.

_______________________________________________________

Today-----------------Singer Bobby Womack is 66 and Actress Paula Prentiss is 72.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on March 04, 2010, 06:58:49 pm
that got a snickle............................???!!!! ::)
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 05, 2010, 09:20:50 am
Today's------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNER


A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar.  The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"Wow!  What's that mean?"  asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh...........................Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon?  What's that?" asks the boy laughing.

The girl says, "That's French toast."

__________________________________________

In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who'd been taunted by a crowd of colonists opened fire, killing five people.

In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson, who was later acquitted.

In 1933, in German parliamentary elections, the Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote;  the Nazis joined with a conservative nationalist party to gain a slender majority in the Reichstag.

__________________________________________

Today----------Actor James Noble is 88, Actor James B. Sikking is 76, Actor Dean Stockwell is 74, Actor Fred Williamson is 72, Actor Michael Warren is 64, Actor Eddie Hodges is 63 and Actor Eddy Grant is 62.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 06, 2010, 10:19:43 am
Today's--------------------good one

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches.  When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a Preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said, "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk."  The congregation said in unison, "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further.  "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!"  The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger.  "If this church is going to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!"

"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts as one.

The Preacher reaches a crescendo, "If this church is going to fly, it will cost MONEY!"

The congregation replied as one--------"Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

__________________________________________________

In 1857, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Dred Scott vs. Sandford that Scott, a slave, was not an American citizen and could not sue for his freedom in federal court.

In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full-scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.

___________________________________________________

Today-------------Former FBI and CIA director William Webster is 86, Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is 84, Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 70, Actor Ben Murphy is 68, Singer Mary Wilson (the Supremes) is 66, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 63 and Singer Kiki Dee is 63.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 07, 2010, 10:03:33 am
Today's----------------the paper didn't include a joke today------back to the archives.

(this is entitled "No So Stupid")

A businessman was getting a haircut and talking to the barber.  They see a rather goofy-looking fellow skipping down the street.  The barber says, "That's Tommy.  He is really stupid.  Watch this."

The barber calls the kid into the shop and shows him a rusty dime and a shiny new quarter.  He tells the kid that he can have one of the coins, his choice.  After looking at the coins for a while, Tommy chooses the rusty dime and says, "Thanks, Mr. Williams!"

Later, the businessman sees Tommy on the street and asks him, "Why did you take the rusty old dime instead of the shiny new quarter?"

Tommy says, "If I took the quarter, the game would be over."

_________________________________________________

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.

In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place, between New York and London.

In 145, during World War II, U.S. forces crossed the Rhine River at Remagen, Germany, using the damaged but still usable Ludendorff Bridge.

In 1960, Jack Paar returned as  host of NBC's "Tonight Show," nearly a month after walking off in a censorship dispute with the network.

_____________________________________________________

Today------TV personality Willard Scott is 76, Auto Racer Janet Guthrie is 72, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 70, Actor John Heard is 64 and Comedian Alan Sues is 84.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 08, 2010, 09:32:53 am
Today's------------------sounds like Warph

A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore with nothing but a handbag.  The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did, indeed, smoke before becoming stranded.  So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.

A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did, indeed, drink before becoming stranded.  So, the woman produces a flask of whiskey from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for years without a woman?"

"That's right," says the man.

The woman continues, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

"Omigosh, lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag, too?!"

_________________________________________________________

In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan;  within a month, he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.

In 1874, the 13th president of the United States, Millard Fillmore, died in Buffalo, N.Y., at age 74.

In 1931, the 27th president of the United States, William Howard Taft, died in Washington, D.C., at age 72.

In 1944, two days after an initial strike, U.S. heavy bombers resumed raiding Berlin during World War II.

In 1965, the United States landed it first combat troops in South Vietnam as 3,500 Marines were brought in to defend the U.S. air base at Da Nang.

___________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 74, Actress Lynn Redgrave is 67, Singer-musician Randy Meisner is 64, Pop singer (little) Peggy March is 62 and Actor Director Micky Dolenz is 65.

_________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 09, 2010, 10:07:40 am
Today's------------------------------one for the ladies-------------------

Three guys were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.  Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!  He suddenly had big arms and strong legs and was able to swim across the river in about 2 1/2 hours, having almost drowned three times.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river." 

Poof!  The man was given strong arms, strong legs and a rowboat, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing twice.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof!  the man was turned into a woman so she checked her map, walked a hundred feet upstream and walked across the bridge to the other side of the raging river.

________________________________________________

In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, N.M., killing 18 people.

In 1954, CBS newsman Edward R. Murrow critically reviewed Wisconsin Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy's anti-Communism campaign on "See It Now."

In 1959, Mattel's Barbie doll, created by Ruth Handler, made its public debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York.

________________________________________________

Today-----Singer-actress Keely Smith is 78, Singer Lloyd Price is 77, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 76, Actor-Comedian Marty Ingels is 74, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 74, Actress Trish Van Devere is 69 and Former ABC anchorman Charles Gibson is 67.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 10, 2010, 09:45:43 am
Today--------------------danged city folk

A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the Mountain areas of Arkansas, Kentucky and Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she called out.

"Yep," came a youngster's voice from within.

"Is you father there?" asked the social worker.

"Nope, Pa left afore Ma came in," the kid says.

"Oh, well, is your mother there?" the social worker asked.

"Maw?  Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the lad.

"My, my" said the social worker, "aren't you ever together as a family?"

"Well, sure, but not here," said the boy emphatically, "this here's the outhouse!"

_______________________________________________________

In 1848, the Senate ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War.

In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in the United States from England.

In 1969, James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tenn., to assassinating civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. (Ray later repudiated that plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.

_______________________________________________________

Today-------------Talk Show host Ralph Emery is 77, Actor Chuck Norris is 70, Singer Dean Torrence (Jan and Dean) is 70 and Actress Katharine Houghton is 65.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 11, 2010, 09:11:02 am
Today's--------------------DUH!

When Shauna arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference early in the morning, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling Shauna that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the notebook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," Shauna replied defensively.  "I wonder where she could have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure Shauna that her daughter, overall, was still doing fine in school and was very sweet and likeable.  Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow .......in the afternoon."

____________________________________________________

In 1930, former President and Chief Justice William Howard Taft was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

In 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia.  (MacArthur, who subsequently vowed, "I shall return," kept that promise more than 2 1/2 years later.)

____________________________________________________

Today-----Actor Terrence Alexander is 87, Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch is 79, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 76, Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia is 74 and Actress Tricia O'Neil is 65.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 12, 2010, 08:51:51 am
Today's---------------------sounds logical to me------

One payday, an employee received an unusually large check.  She decided not to say anything about it.

The following payday, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

"How is it," the supervisor inquired, "that you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but certainly not two in a row!"

__________________________________________

In 1864, Ulysses S. Grant was promoted to the rank of general-in-chief of the Union armies in the Civil War by President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1912, Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, Georgia, founded the Girl Guides, which later became the Girl Scouts of America.

_________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Barbara Feldon is 77, Singer Al Jarreau is 70, Singer James Taylor is 62 and Actress-singer Liza Minelli is 64.

________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 13, 2010, 08:53:53 am
Today's--------------probably should have put this in the politics section-----

A candid moment inside the White House second floor.

"Wow, what a day!"

"Phew, yeah---what a day!"

"I'm exhausted.  Would you get the light, Barack?"

"Why, yes, yes I can!  I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness!"

"It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and the white and the yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor!"

"It is the light on whose rays the promise of hope --  opportunity -- and achievement -- all soar to a distant, brighter future!"

"But it will take all of us, working together in a spirit of shared sacrifice and commitment, to make that light a beacon of progress."

"And I say to you tonight:  This is our moment!  This is our bedtime!  This........"

"Oh for heaven's sake, never mind --- I'll do it myself........"

_____________________________________

In 1969, the Apollo 89 astronauts slashed down, ending a mission that included the successful testing of the Lunar Module.

In 1980, Ford Motor Chairman Henry Ford II announced he was stepping down, the same day a jury in Winamac, IN., found Ford Motor Co. innocent of reckless homicide in the fiery deaths of three young women in a Ford Pinto.

______________________________________

Today---------Country Singer Jan Howard is 80, Songwriter Mike Stoller is 77, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 71 and Actor William H. Macy is 60.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 14, 2010, 10:31:15 am
Today's--------------------it's Sunday-----------

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want all of you, please, to read Mark, Chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands as to how many of the congregants had read Mark, Chapter 17.  Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Well, now, that's very interesting in that the book of Mark has only 16 Chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

_____________________________________________

In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.

In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.

In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to fie an income tax report.

In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.

_______________________________________________

Today------Former Astronaut Frank Borman is 82, Actor Michael Caine is 77, Actor Raymond Barry is 71, Actor Steve Kanaly is 64,
Comedian Billy Crystal is 62 and Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 77.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 15, 2010, 09:44:36 am
Today's-------------------probably should gone to the archives--------

It's no secret the the Toyota automobile company has encountered some difficulties with it's product.

In addition to the attempt to solve the problem the company has instigated a television ad campaign with testimonials from satisfied customers.

At the conclusion of the advertisement is the Toyota emblem with the slogan, "Moving Forward!" ............ maybe it's just me, but that's what seems to be the problem.  Perhaps a better rendition would be, "Moving Forward, under driver's CONTROL!"

__________________________________________________

In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.

In 1956, the musical play, "My Fair Lady," based on Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion," opened on Broadway.

In 1964, Actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage and his second.

________________________________________________

Today------------------Actor Judd Hirsch is 75, Singer Mike Love (the Beach Boys) is 69, Rock singer-musician Sly Stone is 67 and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 77.

(Note:  Actor Peter Graves (Mission Impossible fame) passed away yesterday of a heart attack, age 83.)

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 16, 2010, 08:56:14 am
Today's-----------Thinking of you, Teresa,---uh----I mean, about guns------not that you are old or anything like that---I mean-----uh--

An elderly lady had finished her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags, reached into her purse, and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Now, get out of the car and scram!"

The four boys didn't hesitate.  They got out and ran like crazy around the corner out of range.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat and got behind the wheel.  However, she couldn't get the key into the ignition.  She tried and tried, and then, looking around she noticed a football, Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer beside her.  Then it dawned on her.

She got out of the car and found her own car parked five spaces farther down.  She loaded her bags into the her car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The desk sergeant listened to her story and then turned to the four shaking pale men at the counter who were reporting a car jacking by a crazed, elderly woman described as less than five feet tall, wearing glasses, curly white hair, and possessing a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

___________________________________________________

In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.

In 1984, William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by terrorists.  (He was tortured by his captors and killed in 1985.)

___________________________________________________

Today----Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 84, Game show host Chuck Woolery is 69 and Actor Erik Estrada is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 17, 2010, 09:36:31 am
Today's-------same scale my wife uses------

The small-town Irish doctor was infamous in the area for always catching VERY large fish.  One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips, he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.

The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.

_____________________________________________________

In A.D. 461, (or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.

In 1966, a U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb that has fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain.

_________________________________________________

Today----------Singer-songwriter John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful) is 66, Rock musician Harold Brown is 64 and Actor Patrick Duffy is 61.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 18, 2010, 10:43:21 am
Today's---------------------Sometimes there are those people who aren't thinking too well.

Sitting in the front row during a game being played by my alma mater's basketball team, I saw one of the players take a very hard hit under the basket.  He tumbled to the floor and didn't move.  The coaches and trainers grabbed their first-aid gear and rushed out onto the court.

The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

____________________________________________________

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill.  (Hawaii became a state on Aug. 21, 1959.)

In 1974, most of the Arab oil producing nations ended their embargo against the United States.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today----------Country Singer Charlie Pride is 72, Actor Kevin Dobson is 67 and Actor Brad Dourif is 60.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 19, 2010, 10:04:10 am
Today's-----------------------------uh, ouch?

My neighbor and his wife just bought a fairly expensive new twin-engined boat, thanks in part to his wife going back to work.

The christened the craft "Innuendo."  After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning from what I considered an unusual name, I asked him how he came up with the moniker.  He answered, "My wife now works for a proctologist."

___________________________________________

In 1918, Congress approved daylight saving time.

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.
 
___________________________________________

Today-------------------Actress Renee Taylor is 77, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 77, Actress Ursula Andress is 74, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 73 and Actress Glenn Close is 63.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 20, 2010, 10:00:36 am
Today's-------------------------Or, maybe, get a room-----------


My friend and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two teenagers a few people ahead of us, passionately hugging and kissing with a grope here and there.  The didn't even come up for air when the line moved.

As we waited, their displays of passionate affection became more and more explicitly embarrassing for everyone within sight.

Finally, a park employee approached them and said, "Hey, hey, you two, knock it off.  This is a place to bring families, not have them."

___________________________________________________


In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.


In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono on the island of Gibraltar.

___________________________________________________

Today-----Producer-Director-comedian Carl Reiner is 88. Actor Hal Linden is 79, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 62 and Actor William Hurt is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 21, 2010, 10:45:26 am
Today's-----------------just being politically correct-------

A middle-school teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.

She demanded to know what they were doing.  One boy turned to face her and said, somewhat sheepishly, "We are shooting craps and looking at pictures of naked women."

"Oh thank goodness," the teacher sighed, "for a moment I thought you were praying."

__________________________________________________

In 1963, the Alcatraz federal prison island in San Francisco Bay was emptied of its last inmates at the order of Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1965, more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

__________________________________________________

Today---------Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 71, Singer Solomon Burke is 70, Actor Timothy Dalton is 64 and Singer Eddie Money is 61.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 22, 2010, 09:43:19 am
Today's------another one that probably should go in the Politics section------


It's a slow day in a little town in the Southland.  The sun is shining, but the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is passing through.  He stops at a motel and lays a $100 bill on the counter saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs  --  he may wish to choose one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.  The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.  The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "friendship" on credit.

The lady rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner.  The motel proprietor then places the $100 on the counter so the rich traveler won't suspect anything. 

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything.  No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS IS HOW OUR GOVERNMENT IS CONDUCTING BUSINESS TODAY!!!!!!!!!

____________________________________________________

In 1765, Britain enacted the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies.  (The act was repealed the following year.)

In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed a measure outlawing polygamy.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson named General William C. Westmoreland to be the Army's new Chief of Staff.

___________________________________________________

Today-----TV evangelist Pat Robertson is 80, Actor William Shatner is 79, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 75, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 67, Writer James Patterson is 63, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 62 and Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 62.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 23, 2010, 09:00:15 am
Today's------------nothing like feeling young, I guess, but not this way

Two 80-year-old men are driving down the road when they heard a commercial expounding on the virtues of dried plums (prunes) or the juice thereof ending with the statement:  "They make you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to get a couple packages and bottles of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two guys visit a market and buy some plums and prune juice.  They both take two swigs and six prunes each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well, John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," John replies.

So they pull over and take a couple of more big swigs and six more prunes each and continue to drive down the road.

A while later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I do believe I've done a childish thing!"

_________________________________________________________

In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.

In 1965, America's first two-person space flight began as Gemini 3 blasted off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts Virgil L. Grissom and John W. Young aboard for a nearly 5-hour flight.

_________________________________________________________



Today-------Comedian Marty Allen is 88, Roger Bannister, who broke the 4 minute mile in 1954, is 81, and Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 73.

__________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 24, 2010, 09:08:28 am
Today's-----------------------This is not our Teresa---

Teresa, a systems technician, confessed that her heart sank as she read the spam that began, "By opening this e-mail, you have activated the Amish computer virus."

Then she realized that not only was her computer in jeopardy, so was her reputation as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus is dependent on the honor system.  Please delete all your files.  Thank you."

_______________________________________________________

In 1958, rock-and-roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, TN.

In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.

_____________________________________________________

Today--------------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 71 and Actor R. Lee Ermey is 66.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 25, 2010, 09:14:58 am
Today's-------------------------Marines don't have paratroopers, do they?

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, Rick took part in several night-time exercises.  Once, he was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

The rookie was quiet and looked a bit pale, so Rick struck up a conversation.  "Scared, Lieutenant?" Rick asked. 

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

Rick then asked, "What's the difference?"

The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

__________________________________________________________

In 1960, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit, in New York, ruled that the D.H. Lawrence novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover" was not obscene and could be sent through the mails. 
Ray Charles recorded "Georgia on My Mind" as part of his "The Genius Hits the Road" album in New York.

In 1965, The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, AL., to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

_________________________________________________________

Today--------Modeling Agency founder Eileen Ford is 88, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 84, Former astronaut James Lovell is 82, Feminist-activist and author Gloria Steinem is 76, Singer Anita Bryant is 70, Actor Paul Michael Glasser is 67, Singer Elton John is 63, Actress Bonnie Bodelia is 62 and (respectively) Singer Aretha Franklin is 68.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 26, 2010, 10:15:25 am
Today's-----------it's a groaner day


The new police chief told his officers to "clean up the neighborhood" so it was really easy when a drunk man staggered toward an officer on his beat and slurred, "Hey, mishter offisher, what time ish it?"

The officer replied, "It's one o'clock," and bopped the inebriate on the head once with his baton before hauling him to the clink.

"Sheesh," the drunk said, rubbing the fast-forming knot on his head.  "I'm shore glad I dint ashk ya that'n hour ago!"

____________________________________________________________

In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.

In 1885, the Eastman Dry Plate Co. of Rochester, NY, began manufacturing the first commercial photographic film on paper rolls.

In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C. for the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial.

__________________________________________________________

Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is 80, Actor-Director Leonard Nimoy is 79, Actor Alan Arkin is 76, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is 70, Actor James Caan is 70, Author Erica Jong is 68, Journalist Bob Woodward is 67, Singer Diana Ross is 66, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 61 and Comedian Martin Short is 60.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 27, 2010, 09:28:00 am
Today's----OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!  Hey, Warph, watch who you are playing with--------


A fellow was ready to tee off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes, belittling his companion for his lack of skill.

As they're walking off of the 18th hole, and while counting his $80, the second guy laughs and confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on stupid suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the parish priest, to which the second fellow becomes flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money.

The priest says, "No, no.  You beat me.  I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings."

"Well, is there something I can do to make it up to you?" the pro says.

The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother and father, I'll marry them for you."

__________________________________________________

In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.

In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.

In 1884, the first telephone line between Boston and New York was inaugurated.

In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.



_______________________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Julian Glover is 75, Actor Jerry Lacy is 74 and Actor Michael York is 68.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 28, 2010, 09:30:36 am
Today's--------It's Sunday------

Christie, a Sunday school teacher, was teaching her young students about Noah and his ark.

She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for 40 days.  After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Perhaps, he did a lot of fishing, what do you think about that?"

Little Leroy looked at her with a slight frown and said, "I don't think so.  It would be kinda hard to do with only two worms for bait."

_______________________________________________

In 1941, novelist and critic Virginia Woolf drowned herself in Lewes, England.

In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington, D.C. at age 78.

In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.

__________________________________________

Today-------Country musician Charlie McCoy is 69, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 67, Actor Ken Howard is 66 and Actress Dianne Weist is 62.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 29, 2010, 09:19:32 am
Today's----------------sounds kinda familiar-----------------

An old prospector shuffled into the town leading an old tired mule.  The old man beaded straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

After tying his mule to the hitch rail, he began brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes.  A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and sneered, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger on the boardwalk and said, "No, son, I never did dance, never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

Not wanting to get a toe or two blown off, the prospector started hopping around like a flea in a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached over to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels pointed directly at him.

The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, ........but I've always wanted to."

____________________________________________________________

In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in present-day Delaware.

In 1943, World War II rationing of meat, fats and cheese began.

In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.

___________________________________________________________

Today-----------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 83, Author Judith Guest is 74 and Comedian Eric Idle is 67.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on March 29, 2010, 06:29:48 pm
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large  plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every
 
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
 
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
 "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the  fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingie through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good  luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
 
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 30, 2010, 09:13:58 am
Ouch!  Good one, Jo.

Today's------------------------Ya just never know who you are talking to.

After a week of snowboarding with his buddies, my friend, "Snowdogg," thought the perfect capper would be a group photo in the lodge.  So he held out his camera to a man sitting nearby.

"Excuse me, would you mind?" he asked.  The man seemed wary, but Snowdogg kept after him.  "Look, it's really easy.  Just look through here and push this button."  He then went on to show the stranger how to frame the picture.  After the fellow took the shot, the manager ambled over.

"Don't you think that was a little insulting?" he asked.

"Not at all," said Snowdogg.  "He didn't seem to know much about taking pictures."

"Oh, really?" said the manager.  "That was Steven Spielberg."

_________________________________________________

In 1822, Florida became a United States territory.

In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal roundly ridiculed as "Seward's Folly."

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriusly injured outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr.

__________________________________________________

Today---------Game show host Peter Marshall is 84, Actor Richard Dysart is 81, Actor John Astin is 80, Actor-Director Warren Beatty is 73 and Rck musician Eric Clapton is 65.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on March 31, 2010, 09:38:17 am
Today's-----------------just doing what she said-------

Rachel's husband is wonderful with their baby daughter, but often he turns to rachel for advice.

Recently, Rachel was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Daphne for lunch?"

"That's up to you, dear," Rachel replied, "There's all kinds of food.  Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, Rachel's cell phone rang.  She hastily reached for a towel and grabbed the phone off the sink.  "Hello," she said abruptly.

"Yeah, hi honey, it's me -- uh, what should I feed Daphne for lunch?"

_____________________________________________________

In 1968, at the conclusion of a nationally broadcast address on Vietnam, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned his audience by declaring, "I shall not seek, and I will not accept. the nomination of my party for another term as your president."

In 1995, Miexican-American singer Selena Quintanila-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

____________________________________________________

Today------------------Actor William Daniels is 83, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 82, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 76, Actress Shirley Jones is 76, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 76, Musician Herb Alpert is 75, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 65, Actress Rhea Pearlman is 62 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 01, 2010, 09:12:54 am
Today's---------------------I don't write 'em---

After telling my first and only rather bad joke one April Fool's day, I got in a fight with a really big guy.

With his teeth clenched tight, the big ol' brute said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face!"

I said, "Izzat so!  Well, you are going to be very, very sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, Well, it's really not very absorbent, and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

__________________________________________________

In 1960, the first true weather satellite, TIRO5-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral.  (TIROS stood for "Television Infrared Observation Satellite.)

In 1984, recording star Marvin Gave was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gay Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday.  (The elder Gay pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter, and received probation.)

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Jane Powell is 82, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 80, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 78, Country Singer Jim Ed Brown is 76, Actor Don Hastings is 76 and Actress Ali MacGraw is 72.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 02, 2010, 10:07:56 am
Today's-------------------Another oldie but goodie-----------


A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled across a magic lamp.  He picked it up and did what anyone would do when finding a magic lamp ----- he rubbed it.

Sure enough, out popped a genie, but not a full-fledged genie, because he only had one wish to grant.

The man loved Hawaii, but was deathly afraid of flying and became extremely seasick which eliminated boat travel.  So, the man wished for a bridge from here to there.

The genie was flabbergasted.  He pointed out what a massive task it would be and very materialistic, to say the least.  The genie suggested that the man think about it a little longer and perhaps come up with something else that would satisfy him.

The man thought and thought, then said, "Well, genie, I'd like to meet a hard-working, honest politician!"

The genie stepped back and replied, "Do you want two, or four lanes on that bridge?"

______________________________________________

In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John F. Condon went to a cemetery in The Bronx, NY, where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son.  (The child, who was not returned, was found dead the following June.)

In 1980, President Jimmie Carter signed into law a windfall profits tax on the oil industry.  (The tax was repealed in 1988.)

_____________________________________________

Today------------Actress Rita Gam is 82, Actress Sharon Acker is 75, Actress Linda Hunt is 65, Singer Emmylou Harris is 63 and Actress Pamela Reed is 61.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 03, 2010, 09:37:41 am
Today's--------------------no wonder I could never get a date---------

PICKUP LINES THAT DIDN'T PASS MUSTER-------------

He:  Can I buy you a drink?  She:  Actually, I'd rather have the money.

He:  I'm a photographer.  I've been looking for a face like yours.  She:  I'm a plastic surgeon.  I've been looking for a face like yours.

He:  Hi! Didn't we go on a date once?  Or was it twice?  She:  Must've been once, if ever.  I never make the same mistake twice.

He:  How did you get to be so good-looking?  She:  I must have been given all your share.

He:  Will you go out with me this Saturday?  She:  Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

He:  Your face must turn a few heads.  She:  And your face must turn a few stomachs.

___________________________________________________

In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO, and Sacramento, CA.  (The delivery system lasted only 18 months, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.)

In 1865, Union forces occupied the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA.

In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO, by Robert Ford, a member of the James gang.

In 1990, jazz singer Sarah Vaughan died in Los Angeles at age 66.

_________________________________________________

Today------------------Actress-singer Doris Day is 87, Actor William Gaunt is 73, Actor Eric Braeden is 69, Actress Marsha Mason is 68, Singer Wayne Newton is 68 and Singer Tony Orlando is 66.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 04, 2010, 09:53:57 am
Today's-------------gotta do this quickly before church---------Happy Easter, Everyone!

Carmen's husband was bending over to tie their three-year-old's shoes.  That;s when she noticed her son, Ben, staring at her husband's head.

Ben gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head..............does it hurt?"

After a pause, Carmen heard her husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."

___________________________________________________

In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.

In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., 39, was shot to death at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn.  (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming his innocence before dying in prison in 1998.)

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger roared into orbit on its maiden voyage.

__________________________________________________

Today--------------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 89, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 71, Author Kitty Kelley is 68, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 66 and Actress Christine Lahti is 60.

____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 05, 2010, 09:29:35 am
Today's----------------"just rockin' and a-rollin', down in Californ-i-a, surfin' USA"-----Beachboys or, "Shake, shake, shake, shake your booty"---K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Ol' Doc Carver still made house calls.  One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house.

Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.  The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle nodded, went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.  The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, the doc came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"  A somewhat bewildered Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request was the turning point for Mr. Tuttle.  He demanded, "What in the world are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied ol' Doc Carver, "I can't get my dag-blasted instrument bag open."

___________________________________________

In 1614, Pocahontas, daughter of the leader of the Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia.  (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)

In 1792, George Washington cast the first veto, rejecting a congressional measure for apportioning representatives among the states.

In 1976,reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.

____________________________________________

Today-----------Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 79. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 73, Country Singer Tommy Cash is 70, Actor Michael Moriarty is 69, Actor Max Gail is 67, Actress Jane Asher is 64 and Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 60.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Dee Gee on April 05, 2010, 10:01:23 am
One question Larry, how did George Washington vote in 1732 seeing how he was born February 22, 1732 ?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 05, 2010, 03:37:25 pm
Sorry, my typo----I was too lazy to go find my glasses and it was early and I was still on the first cup and it was raining so the dog was fighting me about going outside and I wasn't reading, just typing and earthquakes still bother me somewhat and --------------

Larryj

P.S.  I will correct my error.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Wilma on April 05, 2010, 04:29:34 pm
Larry, how much shaking did you get?
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 05, 2010, 08:45:12 pm
We were at our daughter's house for Easter and I was sitting at the dining table while others were in the kitchen or living room.  My son-in-law and his parents were in the backyard discussing landscaping projects.  I first felt it because I was the only one sitting down at that time.  It was a rolling type quake as opposed to a jolt.  The thing about quakes is that you might feel the rolling motion and you are waiting for the motion to get stronger or maybe a big jolt as happened in the Northridge quake some years ago.  This one was just a rolling motion that lasted, as Bonnie says, about 10 to 15 seconds.  We are not as close as she is, but this quake was only six miles deep making it felt over a larger area. Some say 10 to 15 seconds isn't that long, but when the ground or the house is moving when it shouldn't be, that amount of time seems to last forever.  I mentioned those outside and when we hollered at them that we were having a quake, they didn't feel it.  The media has and will continue to make this a bigger story than it really is, although it is serious enough for those living closer to the epicenter. 

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 06, 2010, 09:15:02 am
Today's------------------------it depends on how you look at it, pun intended----------

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of San Bernardino's finest for peddling dirty pictures.

"But you're mistaken," said the kid.  "These pictures aren't dirty."

Selecting one, the sheriff's deputy said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"

The young man responded, "Oh, don't be such a prude, officer!  Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

________________________________________________

In 1830, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized by Joseph Smith in Fayette, NY.

In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in Tennessee as Confederate forces launched a surprise attack against Union troops, who beat back the Confederates the next day.

In 1896, the first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.

In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of war against Germany.

________________________________________________

Today----------Conductor-composer Andre Previn is 81, Country singer Merle Haggard is 73, Actor Roy Thinnes is 72 and Actor Billy Dee Williams is 73.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on April 06, 2010, 04:48:40 pm
 

A Wife asks her Husband, How many Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only You, Darling.  With all the Others, I was awake!


 Hospital Visiting Hours  are;

10am - 4pm.


 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


-
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 07, 2010, 10:36:12 am
I really liked that one, Jo.

Today's-----------------------Understandable

A man spent several hours enduring long lines, disinterested clerks and inane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles.  On his way home, he stopped to pick up a gift for his son.

He selected a baseball bat.  "Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," the man snapped, then apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I've just spent the entire morning at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."

"Oh, I see,"  the clerk replied, and then asked, "Well, shall I gift wrap the bat, or.............are you going back to the DMV?"

_______________________________________________

In 1860, Will Keith Kellogg, founder of cereal maker Kellogg Co., was born in Battle Creek, Michigan.

In 1927, the image and voice of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover were transmitted live from Washington to New York in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.

In 1969, the Supreme Court, in Stanley v. Georgia, unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material.

_______________________________________________

Today-------------Country Singer Cal Smith is 78, Actor Wayne Rogers is 77, Country Singer Bobby Bare is 75, Movie Director Francis Ford Coppola is 71, TV personality David Frost is 71, Singer John Oates is 61 and Sitar player Ravi Shankar is 90.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on April 07, 2010, 12:22:39 pm
We can relate to that one, can't we   ???
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 08, 2010, 10:49:58 am
Yes, we can.

Today's----------------------------GROANER, HUGE GROANER---------

"I want to be a tight-rope walker.  What equipment do I need?" asked a prospective circus employee.

"Very flexible shoes, two towers, a wire, a pole and a bank book," responded the ringmaster matter-of-factly.

"I understand the shoes, towers, wire and pole, but what's the bank book for?" inquired the would-be walker.

"To check your balance, of course!"

_______________________________________________

In 1913, the 17th Amendment to the Constitution providing for direct popular election of United States senators (as opposed to appointments by state legislatures), was ratified.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Relief Appropriations Act, which provided money for programs such as the Works Progress Administration.

In 1952, President Harry S. Truman seized the steel industry to avert a nationwide strike.  (The U.S. Supreme Court later ruled that Truman had overstepped his authority.)

______________________________________________

Today-------------------Former First Lady Betty Ford is 92, Comedian Shecky Greene is 84, "Mouseketeer" Darlene Gillepsie is 69, Singer Peggy Lennon (the Lennon Sisters) is 69, Actor Stuart Pankin is 64 And Former House Republican Leader Tom Delay is 63.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 09, 2010, 09:09:46 am
Today's---------------------------one of those politicians from a previous joke

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.  "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he  had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had numerous extra-marital affairs and habitually used illicit drugs.  I was appalled.  But as the days passed, I learned that most people weren't like that, and I had --- indeed -- come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of well-worn apologies for being late and immediately began his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived -- in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

_______________________________________________

In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia.

In 1942, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March, which claimed thousands of lives.

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger ended its first mission with a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

______________________________________________

Today-------------Naturalist Jim Fowler is 78, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 77 and Actress Michael Learned is 71.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 10, 2010, 10:28:30 am
Today's----------gotta type fast, R.A.M.B.O. has an etiquette class this morning.

It was Shirley's birthday and here she was with a case of laryngitis.

Today also marked the day that her class was going on a field trip to the zoo.  She didn't want to miss the trip, so she met with the rest of her classmates at the school parking lot in spite of having nearly lost her voice.

The highlight of the trip was the time the class spent in the petting zoo.  While Shirley was petting a baby Shetland Pony, her teacher asked, "How are you feeling today?"

In a strained voice, Shirley responded, "Well, OK, but I'm feeling a little hoarse."

(GROAN)

__________________________________________

In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.

In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southhampton, England, on it's ill-fated maiden voyage.


_______________________________________

Today-----------Actor Harry Morgan is 95, Actor Max von Sydow is 81, Actress Liz Sheridan is 81, Sportscaster John Madden is 74 and Sportscaster Don Meredith is 72.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on April 11, 2010, 08:22:16 am

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business :
 
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and  all the  patients were outside in the court yard shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little knot hole in one of the  planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
 
 

Next thing I know some one poked me in the eye with a stick!
 
Then they all started shouting
 '14.....14....14...'
 

 
 
 


 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 11, 2010, 10:14:38 am
Today's---------------------yep, he's right

Little Johnny is not very good at spelling.  During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now then," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "k" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said, "Canoe?"

___________________________________________

In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.  (Although the spacecraft was crippled when an oxygen tank ruptured in mid-flight, the crew managed to return safely.)

In 1980, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations specifically prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors.

__________________________________________

Today----------Ethel Kennedy is 82, Actor Joel Gray is 78, Actress Louise Lasser is 71 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 69.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 12, 2010, 08:47:32 am
Today's-------------Well------------okay, I guess

My neighbor's son, Craig, is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Apparently a good glass man is hard to find, so he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had more than 20 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" Craig asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

____________________________________________

In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces bombarded Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA., at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.

In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.  (Do you remember being vaccinated?)

In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.

____________________________________________

Today-----------Country Singer Ned Miller is 85, Actress Jane Withers is 84, Actor Charles Napier is 74, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 70, Singer David Cassidy is 60 and Actor Ed O'Neill is 64.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 13, 2010, 09:42:57 am
Today's-----------------------There is just no escape-----------

Carol and Steve get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none.  After years of putting up with her pestering, Steve finally decided he would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring as he was merging onto a freeway.  It was his wife calling.  By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him.

"Honey," she said over the speaker-phone, "your turn signal is still on..........and put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

_________________________________________

In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO., to Sacramento in 10 days.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial.

In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst.  The astronauts managed to return safely.

______________________________________

Today-----------Actor Lyle Waggoner is 75, Actor Edward Fox is 73, Actor Paul Sorvino is 71, Actor Tony Dow is 65, Singer Al Green is 64, Actor William Sadler is 60 and Actor Ron Perlman is 60.

___________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 14, 2010, 09:38:36 am
Today's----------------------------Okay-------

Kerry, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation.

She was sure she'd have no problem finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.  She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, she was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally, Kerry received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read:  "Your resume was not attached as stated.  I do, however, want to thank you for the risotto recipe."

___________________________________________________

In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's theater in Washington.  Lincoln died the next day at 7:22 a.m.

In 1902, James Cash Penny opened his first store, the Golden Rule, in Kemmerer, Wyoming.

In 1910, President William Howard Taft became the first U.S. chief executive to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game between the Washington Senators and the Philadelphia Athletics.

In 1912, the British line RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began sinking.

______________________________________________________

Today---------------------Actress Julie Christie is 70, Former MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 69, Actor John Shea is 61 and Country Singer Loretta Lynn is 75.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 15, 2010, 09:31:45 am
Today's-------------------old, but still funny--------

Two elderly people were living in a retirement community  --  he was a widower and she a widow, and they had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse.  The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of "careful consideration" she answered, "Yes, yes, of course I will!" 

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective abodes.  The next morning, he was troubled.  Did she say "yes" or did she say "no"?  He couldn't remember.  Try as he might, he just could not recall.  Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.  First, he explained that his memory wasn't as good as it once was.  Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.  "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes of course I will' and I meant it with all my heart."  Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

_________________________________________

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington.  Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.

In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland, less than three hours after striking an iceberg:  some 1500 people died.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day.  The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.

In 1990, actress Greta Garbo died in New York at age 84.

________________________________________________

Today--------------------------Country Singer Roy Clark is 77 and Actor Michael Ansara (Tonto) is 88.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

 
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 16, 2010, 10:11:55 am
Today's--------------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNEER!

Two women archaeologists are on assignment in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

Says one:  "We don't seem to be having much luck."

The other replies:  "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

______________________________________________________

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.

In 1960, shortly before midnight rock-and-roll performer Eddie Cochran, 21, was fatally injured in a taxi crash in Chippenham, Wiltshire, England:  he died the next day.

In 2007, in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech before taking his own life.

_____________________________________________________

Today--------Pope Benedict XVI is 83, Singer Bobby Vinton is 75, Singer Gerry Rafferty is 63 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 17, 2010, 09:16:46 am
Today's----------------------------one man's treasure, etc............

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach.

My friends, neighbors and even my relatives, made a variety of snide remarks about the exquisite artifact.  My feelings were crumpled and crushed.
 
At the mobile home park where I reside, management features an annual "patio sale."  I decided to offer it for sale amongst other items for the discriminating buyer.

The conch light drew many curious stares and comments I'd rather not have heard, but I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check out my incandescent wonder and finally bought it.

"That will look fantastic in your home," I said encouragingly.

"Oh," she replied, "It's not for me.  My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find.  What I have here is the winner!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1961, some 1,500 CIA trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.

In 1964, the Ford Motor Company unveiled its new Mustang model at the New York World's Fair.

In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.

__________________________________________________

Today----------------------Rock Promoter Don Kirshner is 76.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 18, 2010, 08:51:08 am
Today's---------------------------it must be Sunday

A priest rushed from church one Sunday in order to keep a golf date.  He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.  When the priest assured him that he was all right and all was forgiven, the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.''

"By the way, I've been playing this game for 40 years, and now I can finally tell me friends that I hit my first holy one!"

____________________________________________________

In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 to 6,000.

In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures on petitions demanding that women receive the right to vote.

__________________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Barbara Hale is 89, Actor Clive Revill is 80, Actor James Drury is 76, Actor Robert Hooks is 73, Actress Hayley Mills is 64 and Actor James Woods is 63.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 19, 2010, 09:32:20 am
Today's---------------------------------------------Hah! take that.

A theologian and an astronomer had been discussing the complexities of their fields.

The astronomer said that, after reading widely on that subject, as far as he was concerned all of religion could be summed up in a single phrase. 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said with a hint of smugness, feeling that his field was so much more complicated.

After a brief pause, the theologian replied that, after reading extensively in the realm of astronomy, he had reached the conclusion that it, too, could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Oh, pray tell, what is that?" the astronomer asked huffily.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are."

_________________________________________________

In 1775, the American Revolutionary War began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.

In 1910, after weeks of being viewed through telescopes, Halley's Comet was reported visible to the naked eye in Curacao.

In 1951, General Douglas MacArthur, relieved of his command by President Harry S. Truman, bid farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad:  "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."

In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people.  (Timothy McVeigh was later convicted of federal murder charges and executed.)

________________________________________________

Today--------------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 85, Actress Elinor Donahue is 73 and Actor Tim Curry is 64.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 20, 2010, 10:02:24 am
Today's---------------------------------------------whoops---------

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position.  Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager to determine the winning candidate.

Upon completion of the exam, both men only missed one of the questions.  The manger went to Robert and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give James the job."

Robert replied, "Why?  We both correctly answered nine questions.  I believe I should get this job, especially since I've grown up in this town and James just recently moved here."

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you guys missed."

"How could one incorrect answer be better than the other," Robert asked.

"Simple," the manger said, "James answered question 5 by stating 'I don't know,' and you put down, 'Neither do I.'"

_____________________________________________

In 1940, RCA publicly demonstrated its new and powerful electron microscope.

In 1971, the Supreme Court, in Swann v. Charlotte-Mecklenburg Board of Education, unanimously upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in schools.

In 1980, Cuban President Fidel Castro invited any of his countrymen who wanted to leave their country to do so, sparking the massive Mariel Boatlift from Cuba to the Untied States.

In 1999, The Columbine High School massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Kiebold, shot and killed 12 classmates and one teacher before taking their own lives.

_____________________________________________

Today------------------Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 90, Actor Leslie Phillips is 86, Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kansas) is 74, Actor George Takei is 73, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 71, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 69, Actress Jessica Lange is 61 and Actress Veronica Cartwright is 61.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on April 20, 2010, 06:51:05 pm
Ya gotta check 1980.There are people who would say its been that way ever since! ;) ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 21, 2010, 09:22:30 am
As I have often stated before on this forum, some of the subjects that come up prompt me to go running to the Internet to learn more or even just refresh my memory.  Your comment, Diane, made me do just that.  I had never really been aware of the status of Human Rights in Cuba.  It is worth reading about.  Thank you, Diane, for helping me learn more.

Today's---------------------This guy might be better off in Cuba tonight--------

Benny was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, there were those who thought his cheese had slipped off the cracker.  But he wanted desperately to impress his wife on their anniversary, so he took her to a very fashionable restaurant to celebrate the occasion.

He intensely watched the other couples around them, following their leads.  He observed the couple next to them.  The man lifted a sugar cube from its container and offered it to his wife, saying, "Sugar, Sugar?"

Benny thought that was pretty doggoned innovative and continued to listen to others around the dining room.

At another table, Benny listened carefully as a man spooned some honey out of its bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, Honey?"  Again, Benny was impressed with this bit of cleverness.

Feeling quite confident, Benny turned to the platter on the table , delicately sliced off a generous portion of meat, stared lovingly at his wife and said, "Ham, Pig?"

_______________________________________________

In 1649, the Maryland Toleration Act, which provided for freedom of worship for all Christians, was passed by the Maryland assembly.

In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, ensuring Texas' independence.

In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, Conn., at age 74.

______________________________________________

Today---------------------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 84, Actress-comedienne Elaine May is 78, Actor Charles Grodin is 75 and Actress Patti Lupone is 61.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 22, 2010, 10:59:30 am
Today's-------------------------hee hee

Kenneth, who had recently quit smoking, was visiting a friend in the hospital.  To help curb his urge to light up, he was chewing on an unlit cigar when he stepped into the elevator.

A woman who was already aboard, said to him with a snarl, "Mister!  There's no smoking in here."

"Madam," replied Kenneth, "I'm not smoking."

"That's a cigar in your mouth, is it not?" the woman snapped.

"Yes, yes it is," Kenneth admitted, "but I have Jockey shorts on too, and I'm not riding a horse!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.

In 1970, millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day".

In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th President of the United States, died  at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.

_______________________________________________

Today------------Actor George Cole is 85, Actress Charlotte Rae is 84, Actress Estelle Harris is 78, Actor Jack Nicholson is 73, Singer Mel Carter is 67 and Singer Glen Campbell is 74.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 23, 2010, 08:49:15 am
Today's------------------------makes sense

Zachary was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field nearby.  Zack called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer looked at him, but didn't answer.  So, after waiting momentarily, Zack started walking again.  After he had gone about 100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, Zack turned back toward the farmer and asked, "Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," the farmer drawled, "I didn't know how fast you were gonna walk."

__________________________________________________

In 1896, the Vitascope System for projecting movies onto a screen was publicly demonstrated in New York City.

In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs, in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. (The Braves won, 7-5.)

In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death for assassinating New York Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.  (The sentence was later reduced to life imprisonment.)

____________________________________________________

Today--------------Actress--turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 82, Actor David Birney is 71, Actor Lee Majors is 71, Actress Blair Brown is 62 and Actress Joyce DeWitt is 61.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 24, 2010, 09:16:57 am
Today's---------------------------------give the kid an "A"-------

A young boy was attending his first wedding.  After the ceremony, his cousin asked him, "I wonder how many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the first lad responded without hesitation.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.  "Just how do you know that?"

"Well, it's actually quite simple," the boy said, "All you have to do is add things together, just like the minister said.  FOUR better, FOUR worse, FOUR richer and FOUR poorer.

______________________________________________________

In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran; a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.

In 1990, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope.

________________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Shirley MacLaine is 76, Author Sue Grafton is 70, Actor-Singer Michael Parks is 70 and Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 68.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 24, 2010, 10:08:29 am
While I started this thread as a place to have a humorous start to the day, I would like to put this story here.  I kinda sorta looked for a more appropriate place, but I will put it here.

In the past, I think there was some discussion about health care containing my reference to my personal health care provider, Kaiser Permanente. This article is in my paper today about Kaiser.

It is called:      DOCTORS REACH OUT

Patients get free surgeries-------------by Maria Ines Zamudio-----staff writer.

BALDWIN PARK------(This is my hospital that I use)

Dr. Philip Mercado spends most Saturday mornings playing with his 5-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old twin

But not today.

The Kaiser Permanente surgeon will spend the morning performing hernia surgeries on uninsured San Gabriel Valley residents.

"I enjoy helping people plus there;s great need in our community," he said.

For the first time, Kaiser Permanente in Baldwin Park Medical Center has partnered with East Valley Community Health Center in West Covina to provide free, low-risk surgeries to 16 low-income patients.

Mercado, three other doctors, anesthesiologists and nurses are scheduled to participate in"Operation Baldwin Park Surgery Day."

Without help from Kaiser, 22-year-old personal trainer Ruben Alvarado of Covina would not have been able to afford surgery, he said.

"I'm so grateful," Alvarado said.  "It could cost me thousands of dollars."

(Skipping some unnecessary details.)

Due to the large number of uninsured people in the Valley, a second day is planned in October. 

With the recent passage of national health care reform, Mercado hopes people like Alvarado won't have to depend on charity for things like minor surgeries.

________________________________________________

Like I said, this is the health care plan I use and the hospital that I go to for Dr. visits, lab work, scans and one of their many pharmacies.  I don't know Dr. Mercado personally. 

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 25, 2010, 09:24:41 am
Today's------------------------------------------------------------Sunday

After Sunday School, a young mother asked her daughter what the morning lesson was about.  The sweet little girl said, "We were told that we don't have to be scared because we're going to get a blanket."

The mother was bewildered, she had heard nothing about this in her days at Sunday School.  Arriving home, she called the Sunday School teacher, and, after the usual exchange of pleasantries, the mother inquired about the lesson topic.

The teacher explained the misunderstanding.  The lesson was to "be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

_______________________________________________

In 1507, German cartographer, Martin Waldseemueller named a huge land mass in the Western Hemisphere "America" in honor of Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci.

In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.

In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

______________________________________________

Today------------Songwriter Jerry Lieber is 77, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 65, Actress Talia Shire is 64 and Actor Al Pacino is 70.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 26, 2010, 01:09:13 pm
Today's--------------Whatever you call 'em----------

I was on my morning walk with my dog when I came upon my good friends and neighbors Phyllis and Stan.  Both are avid gardeners and Stan had just planted some lovely plants along the front of his house.

The neighbor across the street, John, a retired minister, stopped as he was backing out of his driveway to comment on the foliage.

"Those sure are pretty flowers," he said pointing to some lavender and white-colored plants.  "What are they?"

Stan said proudly, "Those are concubines."

"Concubines?!" John said.  "Are you sure about that?"

"Well, ah...."

At that point, Phyllis stepped down off the porch and said, "Yes, those are very pretty  COL-UM-BINES."  Smiling broadly, she added, "One might say they are voluptuous in their beauty."

Stan looked at Phyllis, then John, then muttered, "Well, I was close, wasn't I?"

______________________________________________

In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated President Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Bowling Green, VA., and killed.

In 1980, following the unsuccessful attempt by the United States to rescue the U.S. Embassy hostages in Iran, the Tehran government announced the captives were being scattered to thwart any future rescue effort.

In 1986, the world's worst nuclear accident occurred at the Chernobyl plant in the Soviet Union.

______________________________________________

Today-----Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 72, Singer-musician Duane Eddy is 72, Singer Bobby Rydell is 68 and Actress-Comedienne Carol Burnette is 77.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 27, 2010, 08:45:38 am
Today's---------------------------The guys name is Warph, not Jeff---

Jeff was on the phone with a golf buddy who had asked him if he could get away from the house to play a round or two, and Jeff dramatically stated, "I am the master of my house and can play golf whenever I want............hang on a minute while I find out if I want to."

__________________________________________________

In 1965, broadcast journalist Edward R. Murrow died in Pawling, NY., two days after turning 57.

In 1973, acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.

In 1978, convicted Watergate defendant John D. Ehrlichman was released from an Arizona prison after serving 18 months.


__________________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Anouk Aimee is 78, Announcer Casey Kasem is 78, Actress Judy Carne is 71 and Actor Jack Klugman is 88.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 28, 2010, 09:18:15 am
Today's--------------------------------some people's children-------

Guests were coming over for dinner and Marina was frantically trying to get the house ready.  She was also driving her family crazy   --  barking orders to pick up, clean up, help set the table and not mess up the living room.

While she was cleaning the kitchen, she realized she'd pushed them too far when she snapped at her 12-year-old daughter, Kristen.  "Where's the broom?"

"I don't know, Mom,"  Kristen fired back.  "Where'd you park it when you landed?"

_____________________________________________

In 1789, the mutiny on HMS Bounty took place as the crew of the British ship set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.  (Bligh and most of the men with him managed to reach Timor in 47 days.)

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra recorded "Pennsylvania 6-5000" for RCA Victor.

In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the army.

____________________________________________

Today-------------Actress-Singer Ann-Margret is 69, Actress Marcia Strassman is 62 and TV host Jay Leno is 60.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 29, 2010, 09:02:30 am
Today's-----------------------------groan

Carole, trying to control what she thought was dry hair, treated her scalp with a healthy dose of olive oil before washing it.  Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed it several times.

That night, when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband, Homer, and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he replied after taking a couple of sniffs, "Why?  Do I smell like Popeye?"

_________________________________________

In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp; the same day, Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun and designated Adm. Karl Doenitz president.

In 1992, deadly rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.

_________________________________________

Today-----------------Actress Celeste Holm is 93, Poet Rod McKuen is 77, Actor Keith Baxter is 77, Bluesman Otis Rush is 76, Country Singer Duane Allen (the Oak Ridge Boys) is 67 and Singer Tommy James is 63.

_______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on April 30, 2010, 09:46:55 am
Today's---------------------it's all in who you know--------

Bill and Jim's younger sister, Toni, had just completed basic training and was home on leave before her first tour in Afghanistan.

Since Bill was an Army National Guard pilot and Jim was his crew chief, and they had to make the flight anyway, they offered to take Toni to catch her transport overseas.

When they landed at the base, several of Toni's soldier friends came out to greet her.  Toni ran ahead, while her brothers followed with her gear.  As Toni approached her buddies, she was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Finally, she realized her friends weren't seeing her two brothers giving her a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in her own helicopter --  with the captain and master sergeant carrying her bags.

___________________________________________

In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.

In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.

In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.

In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon announced the U.S. was sending troops into Cambodia, an action that sparked widespread protest.

__________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Cloris Leachman is 84, Actor Gary Collins is 72, Actor Burt Young is 70, Singer Bobby Vee is 67, Actress Jill Clayburgh is 66, Actor Perry King is 62 and Singer Willie Nelson is 77.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 01, 2010, 09:09:41 am
Today's-------------------------ouch---

While on a visit to a dude ranch, Leonard walked into the blacksmith's shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

But, the blacksmith had indeed noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," Leonard said through clenched teeth, "it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

_________________________________________

In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.

In 1931, New York's 102 story Empire State Building was dedicated.

In 1963, James W. Whittaker became the first American to conquer Mt. Everest as he and a Sherpa guide reached the summit.

________________________________________

Today------Former Astronaut Scott Carpenter is 85, Country Singer Sonny James is 81, Singer Judy Collins is 71, Singer Rita Coolidge is 65 and Actor-Director Douglas Barr is 61.

_______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 02, 2010, 09:44:03 am
Today's--------------Sunday, Sunday--------

After the birth of his child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a big hug and a kiss, sat on the bed and held her hand, then gave her another big hug and kiss when he left.'

His wife's roommate commented, "Wow! Your pastor sure is friendlier than mine!"

______________________________________________

In 1890, the Oklahoma Territory was organized.

In 1908, the original version of "Take me out to the ballgame", with music by Albert Von Tilzer and lyrics by Jack Norworth, was copyrighted by Von Tilzer's York Music Company.

In 1970, jockey Diane Crump became the first woman to ride in the Kentucky Derby; she finished in 15th place aboard Fathom.  (The winning horse was Dust Commander.)

___________________________________________

Today-------------------Actor Theodore Bikel is 86, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 74, Actress and political Activist Bianca Jagger is 65, Country Singer R. C. Bannon is 65, Singer Leslie Gore is 64, Actor David Suchet is 64 and Singer-Songwriter Larry Gatlin is 62.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 03, 2010, 09:44:12 am
Today's-----------------------------another ouch-----------

One morning while shaving, Dave was cursing and swearing so loudly that it attracted the attention of Christie, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

"For heaven's sake, what's the matter?" she called out.

"My razor -- it won't cut...........it's just tearing my face!" he shouted back.

"Don't be silly, dear," she declared, "do you mean to tell me that your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut yesterday?"

______________________________________________

In 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated as a city.

In 1909, a wireless news dispatch was transmitted from the New York Times to the Chicago Tribune in the first such communication between the two cities.

In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.

In 1948, the Supreme Court, in Shelley v. Kraemer, ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.

_____________________________________________

Today------Folk Singer Pet Seeger is 91, Singer Frankie Valli is 76, Sports Announcer Greg Gumbel is 64, Singer Mary Hopkin is 60 and Actress Ann B. Davis is 84.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 04, 2010, 10:00:44 am
Today's-------------sign her up

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.   A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and the pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa!  The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker................"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted.  "Sorry about that," she said as she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

_______________________________________

In 1960, actress-comedienne Lucille Ball divorced her husband, Desi Arnaz, after 20 years of marriage.

In 1961, a group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C. for New Orleans to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.

In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire during an anti-war protest at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others.  (Two of the students who died, Allison Krause and Jeffrey Miller, had been participating in the demonstration while the other two, Sandra Scheuer and William Schroeder, were passers-by en route to their next classes.)

______________________________________

Today-------------Opera Singer Roberta Peters is 80, Actor Richard Jenkins is 63, Country Singer Stella Parton is 61 and Rock Musician (Surfin) Dick Dale is 73

_____________________________________

Yesterday-----------------sadly, Lynn Redgrave died at age 67.

______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 05, 2010, 11:23:47 am
Today's------------------groaner

Yesterday morning a friend and I went out for a late breakfast.  I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast  and lunch menus and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and a side order of eggs.

When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed some sort of faux pas.

"I don't know about that," said my friend, "but I cannot help but wonder which will come first."

_____________________________________

In 1862, Mexican forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeated French troops sent by Napoleon III in the Battle of Puebla.

In 1925, schoolteacher John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution.  (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.)

______________________________________

Today------------Actress Pat Carroll is 83, Actor Michael Murphy is 72, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 66, Actor Roger Rees is 66 and Actor Lance Henriksen is 70.

__________________________________
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 06, 2010, 09:00:53 am
Today's-------------------------you have to read these very closely


Here's a listing of some recently-published books and their author:

1)  "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
2)  "The Night the Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
3)  "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
4)  "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
5)  "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
6)  "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
7)  "The Cliff Tragedy" by Eileen Dover and Paul Down
8)  "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
9)  "Things to Do At a Party" by Bob Frapples
10)"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breathe
11)"Scaling the Cliffs" by Hugo First

____________________________________________

In 1861, Arkansas seceded from the Union

In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, NJ., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.

In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.

_____________________________________________

Today----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 79, Rock Singer Bob Seger is 65, Singer Jimmie Dale Gilmore is 65, Gospel Singer-comedienne Lulu Roman is 64, Actor Alan Dale is 63 and Actor Ben Masters is 63.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 07, 2010, 09:48:37 am
Today's---------------------------------------yeah, a groaner

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift and asked the cosmetics clerk her opinion.  "How about some perfume?" he asked.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom shook his head.  "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

____________________________________________

In 1945, Germany signed an unconditional surrender at Allied headquarters in Rheims, France, ending its role in World War II.

In 1960, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announced that the pilot of an American U-2 plane shot down over Sverdlovsk had been captured alive along with proof the aircraft had been on a spying mission.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford formally declared an end to the "Vietnam Era."  In Ho Chi Minh City -- formerly Saigon -- the Viet Cong celebrated the takeover.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Kentucky Derby, the first of his Triple Crow victories.  (On this date in 2002, Seattle Slew died.)

________________________________________________

Today------------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 71, Actress Robin Strasser is 65 and Rhythm-and-Blues Singer Thelma Houston is 64

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 08, 2010, 10:36:19 am
Today's---------dude better start running

At a Renaissance festival, Marcella decided to visit a fortune teller of great renown.  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"Madam, there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt.  Your longtime unfaithful husband will soon meet a violent and horrible death."

Visibly shaken, Marcella stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands.  She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to compose herself.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked the question she had to know:

"Will I be acquitted?"

________________________________________________

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced in a radio address that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered in World War II, and that "the flags of freedom fly over Europe."

In 1970, antiwar protests took place across the United States and around the world; in New York, construction workers broke up a demonstration on Wall Street.

In 1973, militant American Indians who'd held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for ten weeks surrendered.

______________________________________________

Today-------Singer Toni Tennille is 70, Actor James Mitchum is 69. Country Singer Jack Blanchard is 68 and Comedian Don Rickles is 84.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 09, 2010, 09:35:19 am
Today's-----------It's Sunday

After services, my pastor called me over and said he had a dream in which I had passed away.  Fortunately, I was heaven-bound.

However, to get to heaven I had to climb a ladder under construction and mark each new rung with a piece of chalk for each sin committed.  In his dream he envisioned me routinely coming back down the ladder and finally asked what I was doing.

I looked at him sheepishly and admitted I was coming back down to get more chalk.

_______________________________________________

In 1754, a cartoon in Benjamin Franklin's Pennsylvania Gazette showed a snake cut in pieces, with each part representing an American Colony.  The caption read:  "JOIN, or DIE!"

In 1994, South Africa's newly elected parliament chose Nelson Mandela to be the country's first black president.

_____________________________________________

Today-------------CBS News correspondent Mike Wallace is 92, Actress Geraldine McEwan is 78, Actor-writer Alan Bennett is 76, Rock Musician Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 75, Actor Albert Finney is 74, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 74, Musician Sonny Curtis (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 73, Singer Tommy Roe is 68, Actress Candice Bergen is 64, Actor Anthony Higgins is 63 and Singer Billy Joel is 61.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 10, 2010, 09:41:19 am
Today's-------------------------signed out

Two severely hearing-impaired gentlemen were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "boy was my wife mad at me last night!  She went on and on and just would not stop!"

The other buddy signs, "when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" inquires the other.

"It's easy!  I turn off the light!"

________________________________________________

In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, along with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-held fortress at Ticonderoga, NY.

In 1869, a golden spike was driven in Promontory, Utah, marking the completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the United States.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was given the job of FBI Director.

____________________________________________________

Today------Sportscaster Pat Summerall is 80, Author Barbara Taylor Bradford is 77, TV-radio personality Garry Owens is 71, Singer Donovan is 64 and Singer Dave Mason is 64.

Sadly--------------Lena Horne passed away Sunday at age 92.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 11, 2010, 09:53:02 am
Today's--------------------one for the teachers, or, out of the mouths of babes----

As a teacher, my sister knows that kindergarten has always been a place to learn important lessons.  So, one day when she was visiting the school where my friend is the principal, she went to discover that "place of wonder" -- kindergarten.

There, she noticed a little girl busily slapping paint on an easel.  To an outsider, her creation seemed to be nothing more than a big red blob.

"Tell me about your painting," my sister said.  The young artist stopped painting.  She backed away from the easel and gave her work a careful look.

Then she heaved a heavy sigh and exclaimed, "It's a turkey."  After what seemed to be an eternity, she added, "And tomorrow, I'm going to put the skin on it!"

____________________________________________________

In 1502, Christopher Columbus left Cadiz, Spain, on his fourth and final trip to the Western Hemisphere.

In 1910, Glacier National Park in Montana was established.

In 1946, the first CARE package arrived in Europe, at Le Havre, France.

In 1960, in the wake of the U-2 incident, President Dwight D. Eisenhower defended intelligence-gathering activities as "distasteful" but necessary, saying, "no one wants another Pearl Harbor."

____________________________________________________

Today--------Comedian Mort Sahl is 83 and Rock Singer Eric Burden (The Animals; War) is 69

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 12, 2010, 09:50:57 am
Today's-------the ones with "dummy" on the top

Fran went to her daughter's house for a visit.  While she was there, it began to rain quite heavily.  Her daughter suggested that she spend the night and go home the next day.

Hearing that, Fran jumped up from her seat and rushed out the door.  She returned a short time later, completely drenched, shivering and carrying a small shopping bag.

Her bewildered daughter asked, "Mom, where in the world did you go?"

"I went home to get my pajamas."

______________________________________________

In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, NJ.

In 1943, during World War II, Axis forces in North Africa surrendered,

In 1949, The Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift. 

In 1958, the United States and Canada signed an agreement to create the North American Air Defense Command (later the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD for short).

__________________________________________________

Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 85, Composer Burt Bacharach is 82, Actress Millie Perkins is 72, Actress Linda Dano is 67, Actress Lindsey Krause is 62, Singer-Musician Steve Winwood is 62 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 60.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 13, 2010, 09:24:52 am
Today's-------------------like father, like-----------uh----------like son, li------------

Frank, an emergency room technician, was on duty when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. 

The man was embarrassed, but Frank assured him this type of thing was something kids often did.  He quickly removed the tire, and father and son were on their way.

Moments later, the father was back in the ER asking to speak in private with Frank.  Mystified, Frank led him to an examining room.

"While we were on the way home," the dad began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering how on earth my son got that thing stuck up his nose.............."

It took just a few minutes to remove the tire from dad's nose.

________________________________________________

In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia. (The colonists went ashore the next day.)

In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps, featuring a picture of a Curtiss JN-4 biplane, were issued to the public.  (On a few of the stamps, the biplane was inadvertently printed upside-down, making them collector's items.)

In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon and his wife, Pat, were spat upon and their limousine battered by rocks thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas, Venezuela.

_______________________________________________

Today----------------Actor Buck Taylor is 72, Actor Harvey Keitel is 71, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 61 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 60.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 14, 2010, 08:45:49 am
Today's--------------------------------no spellchecker or proofreader

Maria's friend's sister was getting married, and it was going to be rather large affair.  The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.

Undaunted, the mother of the bride composed a note on her computer, printed 300 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.

After receiving their invitations, family and friends were surprised to read, "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the Grand Ballroom at Harrah's Resort and Casino.  Everyone is invited."

__________________________________________________

In 1804, the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present- day Hartford, IL.

In 1973, the United States launched Skylab 1, its first manned space station.

In 1998. singer-actor Frank Sinatra died at a Los Angeles hospital at age 82.

__________________________________________________

Today-------------------Movie producer George Lucas is 66 and actress Meg Foster is 62.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 15, 2010, 09:28:31 am
Today's--------------------------yeah, right

A couple of weeks ago an elderly lady was absolutely horrified by the loud shrieks and filthy, vulgar language used by two electrical repairmen working near her home.

She was so upset she wrote a letter to the company complaining about the matter.  Upon receipt of the hostile letter, the job foreman, Chuck, was ordered to report the circumstances of the event to his superior.

"Henry and I were on the job," Chuck said, "and he climbed up the pole and inadvertently allowed 530-degree molten lead to fall on me.  To my dismay the lead went right down my collar and I said, 'OUCH,' rather loudly I'm afraid, as I ripped off my shirt, pulling the lead from my skin."

"And," the superior said, "that was it?"

"Well, not quite,"  Chuck said.  "I looked up at Henry and called out, 'Golly, Henry, you really must be more careful up there.'"
____________________________________________________

In 1930, registered nurse Ellen Church , the first airline stewardess, went on duty aboard an Oakland-to-Chicago flight operated by Boeing Air Transport (a forerunner of United Airlines).

In 1940, nylon stockings were first introduced to the public by DuPont.

In 1972, George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer and left paralyzed while campaigning in Laurel, MD., for the Democratic presidential nomination.

_________________________________________________

Today----Actress-Singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 74, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 73, Singer Trini Lopez is 73, Singer Lenny Welch is 72, Actress-Singer Lainie Kazan is 70 and Country Singer K.T. Oslin is 68.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 16, 2010, 09:30:32 am
Today's------------------------------Sunday

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow slowly walked up to the cowboy carrying the Bible in its mouth.  The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.  He took the Bible out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," the cow said softly, "Your name was written inside the cover."

___________________________________________

In 1960, a Big Four summit conference in Paris collapsed on its opening day as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev demanded, but did not receive, an apology from President Dwight D. Eisenhower over the U-2 incident.  And, the first working laser was demonstrated at Hughes Research Laboratories in Malibu by physicist Theodore Malman.

___________________________________________

Today-------------Actor George Gaynes is 93, Actor Harry Carey, Jr. is 89 and Actor Bill Smitrovich is 63.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 17, 2010, 09:13:50 am
Today's----------------------------AHA!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region on $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer looked at him momentarily, leaned forward and said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical, dental, vision and hearing, company matching retirement fund to 75 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a Corvette, your choice of color?"

The engineer sat up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding me?"

And the interviewer replies, "Well, yeah, but you started it."

_________________________________________________________

In 1792, the New York Stock Exchange had it origins as a group of brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.

In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously struck down racially segregated public schools in its Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka decision.

In 1973,  the Senate began its televised hearings into the Watergate scandal.

______________________________________________________

Today---------Actor-Director Dennis Hopper is 74 and Singer Taj Mahal is 68.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 18, 2010, 08:44:03 am
Today's------------------------------------------------


Rest in peace, Fred McDonald, rest in peace.

And

In Memoriam--------my brother, Harry K. Jordan was born on this day in 1934 and left us on August 17, 1995.
Grandson of Albert and Edith Andrews of Howard, Kansas.

Believe that those who pass on are not just leaving us, but are going on to pave the way for the rest of us.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 19, 2010, 09:37:52 am
Today's---------------------I remember those days.

On my way home the other day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a broad smile.

"Really,"  I said.  "I have to say you don't look very upset or discouraged."

"Discouraged?  Upset?" the boy said with a puzzled look on his face.  "Why should we be?  We haven't been up to bat yet."

__________________________________________________

In 1921, Congress passed and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants.

In 1962, during a Democratic fundraiser at New York's Madison Square Garden, actress Marilyn Monroe sang, "Happy Birthday to You" to guest-of-honor President John F. Kennedy.

In 1994, former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York at age 64.

__________________________________________________

Today--------TV personality David Hartman is 75, Actor James Fox is 71, Actress Nancy Kwan is 71, Author-director Nora Ephron is 69, Actor Peter Mayhew is 66, Rock Singer-composer Pete Townsend (The Who) is 65 and PBS Newscaster Jim Lehrer is 76.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 20, 2010, 10:10:18 am
Today's-----------------that makes all the difference

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.  Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her 90th birthday, lived on the farm with her son, his wife and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.  "I just got some news, Mom." he said.  "The Canadian government has come to an agreement with the officials in Washington. It's been decided that our land is really part of the United States, and we have the right to approve or disapprove of this decision.  What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said.  "I'll tell you what I think  ---  jump at it!  Call whoever you need to call right now and tell them we accept!"

"....................I don't think I could stand another one of these Canadian winters!"

______________________________________________

In 1939, regular trans-Atlantic mail service began as a Pan American Airways plane, the Yankee Clipper, took off from Port Washington, NY., bound for Marseille, France.

In 1961, a white mob attacked a busload of Freedom Riders in Montgomery, Alabama, prompting the federal government to send in U.S. marshals to restore order.

In 1969, U.S. and South Vietnamese forces captured Ap Bia Mountain, referred to as "Hamburger Hill" by the Americans, following one of the bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War.

______________________________________________



Today----------------Actor-Author James McEachin is 80, Actor Anthony Zerbe is 74, Actor David Proval is 68, Singer Joe Cocker is 66, Singer-Actress Cher is 64 and Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 61.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 21, 2010, 09:36:34 am
Today's-----------------------Let's see, should I wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt?

Things you will never hear in a western movie:

1.  "Guns?  We don't need no stinkin' guns!"

2.  "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

3.  "Uh-oh, they're gonna attack........quick, pull the wagon into an irregular dodecagon!"

4.  "Let's see...........hardtack and pemmican...........that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein and two starches."

5.  "Hang him high, boys!  Good, good......OK, now a little to the left.......Ohhh!  Ahhh! Stop right there.  Perfect!"

6.  "Y'know, Brucie.........a roaring campfire, just you 'n' me, nice prairie breeze, ...........what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

7.  "Barkeep!"  I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."

8.  "Pete, you and Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

____________________________________________

In 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way, in Baltimore.

In 1881, Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean as she landed in Northern Ireland, about 15 hours after leaving Newfoundland.

In 1956, the United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

_____________________________________________

Today-----Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 69, Actor Richard Hatch is 65, Singer Leo Sayer is 62 and Actress Carol Potter is 62.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 22, 2010, 09:13:53 am
Today's--------------------------old, but still funny

Billie Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation .... cept this year I'm gonna do it different."

"How's that?" Lester says.

"The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant.  Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks, "So, what're you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."

___________________________________________________

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date..

In 1960, an earthquake of magnitude 9.5., the strongest on record, struck southern Chile.  According to the U.S. Geological Survey website, the quake claimed about 1655 lives, injured 3000 people, left 2 million homeless and caused $550 million worth of damage.

In 1969, the lunar module of Apollo 10, with Thomas P. Stafford and Eugene Cernan aboard, flew to within nine miles of the moon's surface in a dress rehearsal for the first lunar landing.

In 1990, Boxer Rocky Graziano died in New York at age 71.

____________________________________________________

Today---------Movie reviewer Judith Crist is 88, Singer Charles Aznavour is 86, Actor Michael Constantine is 83, Actor-director Richard Benjamin is 72, Actor Frank Converse is 72, Actor Michael Sarrazin is 70, Former CNN anchor Bernard Shaw is 70,  and Actress Barbara Parkins is 68.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Jo McDonald on May 22, 2010, 11:06:51 am
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Ms Bear on May 22, 2010, 11:35:51 am
That one has to go to work with me.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 23, 2010, 09:55:09 am
Today's--------------------hee hee

A thin, scholarly young man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the young man said.

"On a trip to a river city in Nevada, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they would not listen.

"So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and slapped him in the face .... kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

"I then yelled to the rest of them, 'Now back off or I'll kick the stuffings out of all of you!"

St. Pete was impressed, "Wow!  When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago," the young man replied.

______________________________________________

In 1785, Benjamin Franklin announced the invention of bifocals.

In 1788, South Carolina became the 8th state to ratify the Constitution.

In 1934, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were shot and killed by the Texas Rangers.

_____________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Betty Garrett is 91, Actor Nigel Davenport is 82, Actress Barbara Barrie is 79, Actress Joan Collins is 77, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 74, Actress Lauren Chapin is 65 and Country Singer Misty Morgan is 65.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: pamagain on May 23, 2010, 10:12:34 am
LOL I just read this in a bike magazine LOL
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 24, 2010, 10:32:52 am
Today's---------Where did I see this one before?

Ever since Cliff was a child, he has had a fear of someone being under his bed at night.  Finally he tired of the fearful, sleepless nights and went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got a problem," he confided in the doctor.  Every night when I go to bed I think there's somebody under it that's going to do me harm.  I'm scared and I'm tired."

"Just put yourself in my hands for a year,' said the psychiatrist.  "Come and see me three times a week and together we can get rid of the fear, anxiety, sleepless nights and the evil person under your bed."

"How much is this going to cost me?" Cliff asked suspiciously.

"One hundred and fifty dollars a visit," the doc says.

"I'm gonna have to think about it."

Six months later the doctor and Cliff happened to meet on the street.  "Why didn't you come to see about your fears?" the doc asks.

"Well," Cliff says, "Paying $150 a visit three times a week is a lot of money, so I stopped at a bar to think about it.  While there, I told the bartender about my problem and he cured me for less than $10."

"Is that a fact!"  With a great deal of attitude, the doctor sneered, "and how, pray tell, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed-------------------------ain't nobody been under there since!"

___________________________________________________

In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message, "What had God wrought!" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.

In 1935, the first major league baseball game to be played at night took place a Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.

In 1962, astronaut Scott Carpenter became the second American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Aurora 7.

In 1980, Iran rejected a call by the World Court in The Hague to release the American hostages.

________________________________________________

Today----------Singer Bob Dylan is 69, Actor Gary Burghoff (Radar) is 67, Singer Patti LaBelle is 66, Actress Priscilla Presley is 65 and Country Singer Mike Reid is 63.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 25, 2010, 10:03:32 am
Today's---------------------don't laugh either

The owner of a drugstore arrived at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very, very strange look on his face.

The owner went inside and asked his clerk if he knew what was going on with the fellow.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explained, "so I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take them all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner hissed angrily.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it will," the clerk says, gesturing to the man leaning on the wall:  "Look at him, he's too afraid to cough!"

_______________________________________________

In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career, for the Boston Braves, in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy, addressing Congress, called on the nation to work toward putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade.

In 1968, the Gateway Arch in St. Louis was dedicated by Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey and Interior Secretary Stewart Udall.

_______________________________________________________

Today------Lyricist Hal David is 89, Country Singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 74, Country Singer Jesse Colter is 67, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 67 and Actress Karen Valentine is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 26, 2010, 09:19:21 am
Today's--------------makes sense to me

Arnie was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Trent for the recently advertised salesman position.  Arnie looked at Trent's resume and noticed that Trent has never worked in retail before.

Arnie says to Trent, "What gall, if you don't mind me saying so.  For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

"Well that I am," Trent acknowledged, "but surely you must understand that the work is so much more difficult when one doesn't know what one is doing."

__________________________________________________________

In 1938, the House Un-American Activities Committee was established by Congress.

In 1969, the Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing.

In 1994, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married in the Dominican Republic.  (The marriage, however, ended in 1996.)

_______________________________________________________

Today------------Actor James Arness is 87, Actor Alec McCowen is 85, Sportscaster Brent Musberger is 71, Singer Stevie Nicks is 62, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 61, Country Singer Hank Williams, Jr. is 61 and Actress Pam Grier is 61.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 27, 2010, 09:58:51 am
Today's-------------------Ha Ha

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home.

Three times he got on the wrong train.  Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.

He told the besotted fellow:

"Brother, I must tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to hellfire damnation."  To which the drunk replied:

"Oh no!  You mean I'm on the wrong train again?"

________________________________________________

In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.

In 1933, Walt Disney's Academy Award winning animated short "The Three Little Pigs" was first released.

In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County, CA, was opened to pedestrian traffic.  (Vehicular traffic began crossing the bridge the next day.)

In 1941, amid rising world tensions, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed an "unlimited national emergency."  The British Navy sank the German battleship Bismarck off France, with a loss of more than 2,100 lives.

_______________________________________________________

Today---------Dolores Hope (widow of Bob Hope) is 101, Actor Christopher Lee is 88, Actress Lee Merriwether is 75, Musician Ramsey Lewis is 75, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 74, Country Singer Don Williams is 71, Singer-Actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 60 and Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 87.

Sadly----------Art Linkletter passed away yesterday at age 97.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 28, 2010, 09:54:30 am
Today's----------------------------smart kid

Fifth-grader Norman was serving detention for talking too much when the teacher was speaking.  The detention teacher said, "You have to produce a 1,000 word essay in 30 minutes .... GO!"

Norman was successful, in fact he finished in 30 seconds, not a half hour.

How?  Norm drew a picture.  After all, he's been taught that "a picture is worth a thousand words."

_______________________________________________

In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.

In 1940, during World War II, the Belgian Army surrendered to invading German forces.

In 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.

______________________________________________

Today------------------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 81, Actress Carroll Baker is 79, Actress Beth Howland is 69, Singer Gladys Knight is 66, Singer John Fogerty is 65, Actress-director Sandra Locke is 63 and Basketball-Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 72.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Mom70x7 on May 28, 2010, 01:47:17 pm
Quote
In 1959, the U.S. Army launched Able, a rhesus monkey, and Baker, a squirrel monkey, aboard a Jupiter missile for suborbital flight that both animals survived.

Able was born at Monkey Island at the Ralph Mitchell Zoo in Independence, Kansas!

Baker was from Huntsville, Alabama, where an uncle of mine (Paul Wisner) lived.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on May 28, 2010, 06:08:23 pm
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. ;) Sorry, just too good to pass up. ;D It doesn't seem possible that those flights were so long ago.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 29, 2010, 09:18:41 am
Today's-------------------GROANER, BIG TIME

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with removing several paintings from the Louvre.  However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a difficult crime and then make such a silly error, he replied: 

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

_____________________________________________________

In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.

In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, MA.

In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Clifton James is 89, Race Car Driver Al Unser is 71, Actor Kevin Conway is 68, Actor Helmut Berger is 66 and Actor Anthony Geary is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 29, 2010, 02:46:44 pm
Just heard------

Sadly, Actor Dennis Hopper passed away at age 74 of prostate cancer.

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 30, 2010, 09:20:55 am
Today's----------------------------Another beautiful Sunday

"It's getting so bad," I commented to my neighbor before leaving for Sunday services, "that pretty soon if you forget your Sunday church contribution envelope, there'll be one of those card slides in your pew so you can charge it."

My neighbor replied, "Do you mean to say your church still uses envelopes?"

___________________________________________

In 1883, 12 people were trampled to death when a rumor that the recently opened Brooklyn Bridge was in imminent danger of collapsing triggered a stampede.

In 1911, Indianapolis saw its first long-distance auto race; Ray Harroun was the winner.

In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington in a ceremony attended by President Warren G. Harding, Chief Justice William Howard Taft and Robert Todd Lincoln.

In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.

_________________________________

Today---------------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 84, Actor Clint Walker is 83, Actor Ken Dullea is 74, Actress Ruta Lee is 74, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 71 and Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Gayle Sayers is 67.

________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on May 31, 2010, 09:27:08 am
Today's------I hope this professor wasn't teaching memory classes


It used to be that for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor or lecturer.  It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses.

But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.  Not so with one physics professor.  If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course.

On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed.  The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Being a science major, the young man naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the back of the line.  When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.  The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar.  OK," and signed the card.

__________________________________________________

In 1889. more than 2,000 people perished when a dam break sent water rushing through Johnstown, PA.

In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.

In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.

__________________________________________________

Today---------Actress Elaine Stewart is 81, Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 80, Singer Peter Yarrow is 72, Actress Sharon Gless is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 67, Actor Tom Berenger is 60 and Actor Gregory Harrison is 60.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 01, 2010, 09:38:19 am
Today's---------------------------------if it's okay with the chicken

Jesse was quite hungry, but after arriving at the restaurant she couldn't make up her mind what to order, no matter how long and hard she studied the menu.

Finally, she turned to the waiter for help.

"Well,"  said the waiter pleasantly, "today our special is chicken on a bed of rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a  succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and desert."

"Hmmmm, that sounds great.  But tell me, how is the chicken prepared?"

"Oh, well, we break it to him very gently and assure him that it's nothing personal."

_________________________________________________________


In 1868, James Buchanan, the 15th president of the United States, died near Lancaster, PA., at age 77.

In 1943, a civilian plane from Portugal to England was shot down by the Germans during World War II, killing all 17 people aboard, including actor Leslie Howard.

In 1967, the Beatles released their album, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

In 1980, Cable News Network made it debut.

_________________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Andy Griffin is 84, Singer Pat Boone is 76, Actor Morgan Freeman is 73, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 70, Actor Powers Boothe is 62 and Actress Gemma Craven is 60.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 02, 2010, 09:45:07 am
Today's--------------------is this store in Howard?

There was once a general store in Kansas back around 1900.  The owner was an elderly man who attended church regularly and for a long time.  And every time a transaction occurred it was the proprietor's habit to say a quote from scripture, and it was always a different verse.

The store always had those two or three "older gents" that you always see on the front porch talking about the "ills of society" and how it used to be, but every time a customer would show up, the men came in just to hear what the verse was going to be.

One day a fellow who claimed to be a congressman came in and inquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall.  The asked the price and the owner told him $1400 even though the owner and the old men knew that the true worth was $200.

But the politician said, "I'll take it," and bought the rug.  The owner mumbled something as the man left the store.

The old men stared at the owner awaiting to hear what possible biblical verse could follow such a dishonest act.  The proprietor said, "He was a stranger and I took him in."

_________________________________________________

In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that  "the report of my death was an exaggeration."

In 1924, Congress passed a measure that was then signed by President Calvin Coolidge granting American citizenship to all U.S. born American Indians.

In 1941, baseball's "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig died in New York of a degenerative disease, ALS, at age 37.

In 1966, the U.S. space probe Surveyor 1 landed on the moon and began transmitting detailed photographs of the lunar surface.

____________________________________________________

Today--------------Actress Sally Kellerman is 73, Actor Ron Ely is 72, Actor Stacy Keach is 69, Actor Charles Haid is 67, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 66, Actor Jerry Mathers is 62 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 60.

___________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 03, 2010, 09:46:59 am
Today's--------------------------can't top the firefighter one, tho

SIGNS YOU SHOULDN'T BUY A TOY MADE IN CHINA

*Warning label says, "May attract rats."

*Box claims, "Not responsible for accidental neutering of pets."

*The part of the box in contact with the toy appears to be dissolving

*The manual includes the 800 numbers for the poison center and the CDC.

*Everyone at the store refuses to open it and show you how it works.

*In the fine print on the side of the box, you glimpse the words, "If symptoms persist-----"

______________________________________________________

In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.

In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space, during the flight of Gemini 4.

In 1968, pop artist Andy Warhol was shot and critically wounded in his New York film studio, known as "The Factory," by Valerie Solanas, an actress and self-styled militant feminist.

_______________________________________________________

Today---------------Actor Tony Curtis is 85, TV Producer Chuck Barris is 81, Actress Irma P. Hall is 75 and Singer Suzi Quatro is 60.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 04, 2010, 09:51:31 am
Today's----------------------remember, ladies, I don't write them

Three guys more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one says, "If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what would it be?  I'll start:  I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a feather."

The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as beautiful as a cloud in the sky."

The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Three Horses.'"

"Three Horses," the other two say in unison.  "Why?"

"Nag. Nag. Nag."

__________________________________________________

In 1919, Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing citizens the right to vote regardless of their gender, and sent it to the states for ratification.

In 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II.

________________________________________________

Today----------------Actor Bruce Dern is 74 and Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 66.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 05, 2010, 09:25:32 am
Today's---------------------------that's one way to prepare

"Well, Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks following his annual physical.

"Albert, I don't know what to say.  The news is bad, really bad," sighs the doctor.

"Well, what is it?" asks Albert.

"Oh, I can't find the words to tell you........I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being of strong character demanded straight talk and tells the doctor, "Don't beat around the bush.  Tell me what you know.  I can take it."

"Well," says the doctor, "I think that you should go to Murietta and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath.  Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, okay, so I need to relax, eh?  Will that cure me?"

"No, Albert, it won't cure you, but it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

______________________________________________________

In 1884, Civil War hero General William Tecumseh Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected."

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary.  Sirhan Bishara Sirhan was immediately arrested.

In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.

_________________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 85, Broadcast-journalist Bill Moyers is 76, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 65, Country Singer Gail Davies is 62 and Actor Ken Follet is 61.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 06, 2010, 10:48:45 am
Today's----------------do I detect a hint of sarcasm here?

After a real crusher of a landing in Denver, the attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Then once the smoke from the tires has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

___________________________________________

In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association was founded in London.

In 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.

___________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 78, Civil Rights Activist Roy Innis is 76, Singer-songwriter Gary "U.S." Bonds is 71 and Country singer Joe Stampley is 67.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on June 06, 2010, 03:33:33 pm
Sounds like something South West would actually do! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 07, 2010, 09:37:41 am
Today's-------------there is some logic here-----

A big-city minister received a phone call from a small church in the country whose minister was on vacation.  The minister agreed to fill in and on Sunday, almost passed by the church; it was so small and had fallen into disrepair.

In the entry hall, he noticed a small wooden box with a slot in the top and a sign hand-written on yellowed paper that read "contributions."  He felt sorry for the obviously struggling church and took a crisp $20 bill from his wallet and slid it into the slot.

A moment later, the congregational president came in and welcomed the minister to their humble church.  The service was attended by only about a dozen members, but they were grateful for his message and shook his hand warmly as they filed out after the service.

As the minister returned to his car, the president caught up with him and said, "I'm so sorry we can't pay you anything for today."

"That's all right," said the minister, "I wasn't expecting anything.  I'm happy to help."

Suddenly, the president's eyes lit up.  "Wait, wait, don't leave yet, we might have something for you" he said, and rushed back into the church.  A moment later he returned with a very familiar crisp $20 bill and pressed it into the minister's hand.

"Please take this and bless you," he said insistently.  The minister accepted the offering and drove home.  That night, he was explaining what had happened to his family.

After he finished, his son looked at him and said, "Daddy, you know, if you had put more in you would have gotten more out!"

________________________________________________________

In 1769, frontiersman Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.

In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia proposed to the Continental Congress a resolution calling for American independence from Britain.

In 1937, actress Jean Harlow died in Los Angeles at age 26.

In 1967, the Haight-Asbury Free Medical Clinic opened in San Francisco.

________________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Virginia McKenna is 79, Singer Tom Jones is 70 and Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 64.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 08, 2010, 09:53:36 am
Today's----------------------yeah, I could live next door, or maybe help with the refreshments, or---------

Mary Jayne and her daughters had just moved into Building D in a large apartment complex.  Soon afterward, they  gave a "ladies only" lingerie-sales party for Mary Jayne's daughters' friends.

The party was well under way when there was a knock at the door.  After opening the door, the young man standing there got a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns, and his eyes widened.

"A f-f-f-f-f-friend told m-m-m-me there might b-b-b-b-be a r-r-r-rental in Building G-G-G," he stammered.

Mary Jayne told him he had the wrong address and gave him directions.  A minute later she heard a tentative knock.  It was the same young man.

"S-s-s-s-say, are there any v-v-v-vacancies in this b-b-b-building?" he asked.

_____________________________________________________________

In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tenn.

In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for another term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's national convention in Baltimore,

In 1967, during the Six-Day War, 34 U.S. serviceman were killed when Israeli fighter jets and torpedo boats attacked the USS Liberty, a Navy intelligence-gathering ship stationed in the Mediterranean.  (Israel later said the Liberty had been mistaken for an Egyptian vessel.}

___________________________________________________________

Today-----Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 85, Comedienne Joan Rivers is 77, Actress Millicent Martin is 76, Actor James Darrin is 74, Actor Bernie Casey is 71, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 70, Actor Don Grady is 66 and Actress Kathy Baker is 60.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 09, 2010, 09:42:53 am
Today's--------------------sounds like R.A.M.B.O.--

A little boy took his dog to a "take your pet to school" day.

There were prizes for the smallest, the biggest, best-groomed, cutest and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog would win a prize, the boy tried to put his pet through a whole series of tricks with maudlin success.

Finally, the boy turned to his dog and sternly asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two plus two, minus six?"

The dog sat quietly looking at his "master" making no sound and remaining absolutely motionless.

"That's right!" exclaimed the boy enthusiastically.

His dog won first prize.

_______________________________________________

In 1954, during the Senate-Army Hearings, Army special counsel Joseph N. Welch berated Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy for his attack on Frederick Fisher, a junior attorney at Welch's law firm, asking, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?  At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"

In 1973,, Secretariat became horse racing's first Triple Crown winner in 25 years by winning the Belmont Stakes.

In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood,.

___________________________________________

Today----------Actress Mona Freeman is 84, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 71 and Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 71.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 10, 2010, 09:54:05 am
Today's-------------------think about it, you will get it----------

When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another teacher and Michelle were discussing in private, Michelle decided it was time for an impromptu lesson in manners.

"Do you know what 'minding your own business' means?" she asked softly, but pointedly.  He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted, "I do!  I do!"

_____________________________________________

In 1967, the Middle East War ended as Israel and Syria agreed to observe a United Nations-mediated cease-fire.

In 1977, James Earl Ray, the convicted assassin of civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., escaped from Brushy Mountain State Prison in Tennessee with six others; he was recaptured June 13th.

____________________________________________

Today-----Britain's Prince Philip is 89, Columnist Nat Hentoff is 85, Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 77 and Actress Alexandra Stewart is 71.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 11, 2010, 09:17:14 am
Today's------------if it ain't yours----

The following notice was posted on the office bulletin board:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please DO NOT own up to it.  I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about lattes and such.

"Just be aware that the milk was expressly for my baby --- if you get my drift.  Henceforth, I will most certainly label such things, but if your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mother and telling her you love her."

___________________________________________________

In 1770, Captain James Cook, commander of the British ship Endeavour, discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia by running into it.  (I generally only post items pertaining to American History, but this was funny.)

In 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee to draft a Declaration of Independence calling for freedom from Britain.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.

________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Chad Everett is 73, Comedian Johnny Brown is 73, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 71, Singer Joey Dee is 70, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 65 and Actor Gene Wilder is 77.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 12, 2010, 09:46:44 am
Today's------------------Hee Hee

An elderly woman called the police with the complaint that she could see her neighbors in the next apartment building cavorting around stark naked at all hours of the day and night.

A policeman came to her apartment and peered intently through her bedroom window for quite a long period of time.

"I can't see a thing," he said.

"Well, you can if you stand on the bed," she snapped.

_________________________________________________

In 1776, Virginia's colonial legislature became the first to adopt a Bill of Rights.

In 1920, the Republican national convention nominated Warren G. Harding for president on the 10th ballot.  Calvin Coolidge was nominated for vice president.

In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, N.Y.

In 1967, the Supreme Court, in Loving v. Virginia, struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."

In 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were slashed to death outside her Los Angeles home.  (O.J. Simpon was later acquitted of the killings in a criminal trial, but was held liable in a civil action.)

__________________________________________________

Today------Banker/Philanthropist David Rockefeller is 95, Former President George H.W. Bush is 86, Singer Vic Damone is 82, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 69, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 69, Pop Singer Len Barry is 68 and Actor-Singer Jim Nabors is 60. (Gooolllleee)

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 13, 2010, 10:15:58 am
Today's----------------was not included in the paper-- >:(---back to the archives.

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!

________________________________________________________

In 1944, Germany began launching flying-bomb attacks against Britain during WWII.

In 1966, The Supreme Court issued its landmark Miranda v. Arizona decision, ruling that criminal suspects had to be informed of their constitutional right to consult with an attorney and to remain silent before being questioned by police.

In 1971, The New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of America's involvement in Viet Nam.

______________________________________________________

Correction to yesterday's birthdays----Jim Nabors correct age is 80. 

Today---------------------Actor Bob McGrath is 78, Singer Bobby Freeman is 70 and Actor Malcolm McDowell is 67.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 14, 2010, 09:10:33 am
Today's-------I must not be awake, I had to read this one a few times.

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off.  So, the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from.

"Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out a fellow in the fourth row.

"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh.  "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one.  Where's it located?"

The guy's friend, who was sitting next to him, shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

____________________________________________________

This is Flag Day----On June 14, 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag.

In 1775, the Continental Army, forerunner of the United States Army, was created.

In 1801, former American Revolutionary War General and notorious turncoat Benedict Arnold died in London.

In 1846, a group of U.S. settlers in Sonoma proclaimed the Republic of California.

_____________________________________________________

Today--------Actress Marla Gibbs is 79, Actor Jack Bannon is 70, Rock Singer Rod Argent (the Zombies) is 65, Real Estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump is 64, Singer Janet Lennon (the Lennon Sisters) is 64 and Country-rock musician Spooner Oldham is 67.

And, sadly, just heard that country musician and sausage maker Jimmy Dean has passed away.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on June 14, 2010, 08:49:17 pm
I promise you nobody ever nodded off in one of MY fire safety classes. ;D Good story, I don't think I had those fellows though.  Did get people from all over the country for the industrial programs.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 15, 2010, 09:17:59 am
Today's---------GPS couldn't even help here

The map the veterinarians friend had drawn indicated that the country client she was to see, lived in the second house past the Yin road.  Try as she might, the vet could not find a Yin road anywhere!  Exasperated, she finally stopped at the next farm to ask directions.

"I ain't never heard of no Yin road" said the farmer, "but ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy -- he's lived 'round here for better'n 70 years."

"Thanks," said the vet, "Where do I find him?"

"Easy," the farmer said, "he lives at the second farm past the Y in the road."

_______________________________________________________

On June 15th, 1215, England's King John put his seal to Magna Carta ("the Great Charter") at Runnymeade.

In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voted unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.

In 1836, Arkansas became the 25th state.

In 1844, Charles Goodyear received a patent for his process to vulcanize rubber.

In 1864, Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton signed an order establishing a military burial ground, which later became Arlington National Cemetery.

________________________________________________

Today--------Actor Aron Kincaid is 70, Rock musician Lee Dorman (Iron Butterfly) is 68 and Singer Russell Hitchcock (Air Supply) is 61.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 16, 2010, 10:16:31 am
Today's---------------------------it pays to be prepared

Carol, a friend of mine who works in the electronics department at Wal-Mart, certainly is no stranger to the daily variety of shoppers who visit the store. 

But one day she was caught off guard when a young Boy Scout approached her counter wanting to buy an IPod.  Having lost his wallet, he had only the check his mother had sent him and no identification.

Carol could not cash the young man's check without identification.  She asked if he was sure he had nothing to prove he was who he said he was..  He thought a minute, then motioned for her to lean over so he could whisper in her ear.

Carol straightened and motioned for him to come behind the counter.  There, the young man, pulled out his shirt-tail, reached behind him and tugged his underwear up above his pants line and turned around.  There, neatly stenciled in the waistband was his name, phone number and address.

Carol cashed his check, and the boy left with his IPod.  Another day at Wal-Mart.

___________________________________________________________________

In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

In 1897, the government signed a treaty of annexation with Hawaii.

In 1903, Ford Motor Co. was incorporated.

In 1959, actor George Reeves, TV's "Superman," was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in the bedroom of his Beverly Hills home: he was 45.

In 1960, the Alfred Hitchcock movie, "Psycho," opened in New York City.

_______________________________________________________

Today-------------Actor Bill Cobbs is 75, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 72, Country Singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 71, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 69 and Actress Joan Van Ark is 67.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 17, 2010, 09:49:06 am
Today's---------------GROANER----------big time groaner

A woman went on a tour of the White House.  As the guide led her group down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

"My goodness!  What was that?"  exclaimed the woman.

(you know where this is going, right?)

"Oh, that's the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

__________________________________________________

In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.

In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a trans-Atlantic flight from  Newfoundland to Wales with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman to make the trip as a passenger.

In 1961, Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defected to the West while his troupe was in Paris.

________________________________________________

Today---------------Actor Peter Lupus is 78 and Singer Barry Manilow is 64.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 18, 2010, 09:56:36 am
Today's----------------------------smart dog

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders over to leave its mark against the wooden fence.  Like male dogs do, it raised its leg and did its business on the side of the fence.

The second dog then goes up and starts to do his duty exactly where the other dog did.  But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wood fence and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to do that?"

The second man replies, "I didn't teach him anything.  He's gone that way ever since an old fence fell on him."

________________________________________________________

In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.

In 1812, the United States declared war on Britain,

In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, N.Y., of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 presidential election.  (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)

_________________________________________________________

Today---------------Movie Critic Roger Ebert is 68, Actress Constance McCashin is 63, Actress Linda Thorson is 63 and Rock Singer Sir Paul McCartney is 68.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 19, 2010, 09:37:34 am
Today's---------------------------------whoops!

An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun.  Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due.

He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released.  But, obviously, the timing had to be just right.

So, in the few words of the native's tongue that he knew, he asked his guard exactly what time they planned to do him in.

The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are executed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked long and slow  -- ready to be served for the evening meal...."

The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case, we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

_________________________________________________________

In 1862, slavery was outlawed in U.S. territories.

In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all slaves in Texas were free.

In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington.  (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)

In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37 convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union were executed at Sing-Sing Prison in Ossining, N.Y.

_____________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actress Gina Rowlands is 80, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 68, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 62 and Singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 60.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 20, 2010, 10:27:18 am
Today's-------------another beautiful Sunday and a Happy Father's Day

A minister was planning to officiate a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple to the front to be married  in a brief ceremony before the congregation.

As the time arrived, for the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.  So he simply asked, "At this time, will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"

Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows, two widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal wedding dress stepped to the front.

_________________________________________________

In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, MA., found Lizzie Borden not guilty of the ax murders of her father and stepmother.

In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.  (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)

___________________________________________________

Today---Actress Olympia Dukakis is 79, Actor Martin Landau is 79, Actor James Tolkan is 79, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 68, Actor John McCook is 65, Singer Anne Murray is 65, TV personality Bob Vila is 64, Producer Tina Sinatra is 62, Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Richie is 61 and Actor Danny Aiello is 77.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 21, 2010, 09:23:41 am
Today's-------------------the jokes on you

Ron, a man fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend, Chuck, a collect telegram which read:  "I am perfectly well and feeling great."

A week later, Ron the joker received a heavy parcel..............collect....................on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a large concrete block which bore this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

_____________________________________________

In 1932, heavyweight Max Schmeling lost a title fight  rematch in New York by decision to Jack Sharkey, prompting Schmeling's manager, Joe Jacobs, to exclaim, "We was robbed."

In 1964, civil rights workers Michael H. Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James E. Chaney disappeared in Philadelphia, Mississippi;  their bodies were found buried in an earthen dam six weeks later.

In 1982, a jury in Washington, D.C. found John Hinckley Jr. not guilty by reason of insanity in the shootings of President Ronald Reagan and three other men.

___________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Bernie Kopell is 77, Actor Monte Markham is 75, Songwriter Don Black is 72, Actress Mariette Hartley is 70, Actress Meredith Baxter is 63, Actor Michael Gross is 63 and Actress Jane Russell is 89.

___________________________________________

NOTE:  TOMORROW I WILL BE HAVING SOME SURGERY EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO YOU DON'T GET A JOKE.  HOPEFULLY, "ANOTHER SLICE OF WRY" WILL CONTINUE ON WEDNESDAY.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on June 21, 2010, 09:35:47 am
God be with you Larry  and guide the surgeons hands.
Look forward to more Wry jokes.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 23, 2010, 08:29:09 am
Today's---------wait, no, yesterdays---------------------------

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, the pilot of a Huey Cobra messed up and landed his craft on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom.

Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway turning in circles.  As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place:

Tower:  "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra:  "I don't know, Tower ......... we ain't done crashing yet!"

___________________________________________________

In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.

In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.

In 1993, former first lady Pat Nixon died in Park Ridge, N.J. at age 81.

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Ralph Waite is 82, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 74, Actor Michael Lerner is 69, Broadcast Journalist Brit Hume is 67, Singer Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 66, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 62, Actress Meryl Streep is 61, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 61 and Singer Alan Osmond is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 23, 2010, 08:47:39 am
Now today's-------------------------------Sounds like a politician


A congressman and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The congressman said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer.  "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The congressman looked somewhat confused, "How the heck did you start the earthquake?" he asked.

______________________________________________________

In 1860, a congressional resolution authorized creation of the United States Government Printing Office, which opened the following year.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman discussed a plan to use the CIA to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation.  (Revelation of the tape recording of this conversation sparked Nixon's resignation in 1974.)

_________________________________________________________

Today----------Singer Diana Trask is 70, Actor Ted Shackelford is 64, Actor Bryan Brown is 63 and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 62.

________________________________________________________

NOTE:  BACK TOGETHER IN ONE PIECE PLUS A FEW EXTRA PIECES.  EVERYTHING WENT WELL.  THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND WISHES.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 24, 2010, 09:31:28 am
Today's---------------------------revenge is sweet

A neighbor of mine was bitten by stray, rabid dog the day before yesterday.

I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously.  I told him rabies could be prevented and he really didn't have to worry about a will.

He said, "Will?  What will? I'm making a list of people I'm going to bite."

___________________________________________

In 1807, a grand jury in Richmond, VA., indicted former Vice President Aaron Burr on charges of treason and high misdemeanor.  (He was later acquitted.)

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger carrying America's first woman in space, Sally K. Ride --  coasted to a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

_________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Al Molinaro is 91, Comedian Jack Carter is 87, Actress Michelle Lee is 68, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 66, Singer Arthur Brown is 66. Musician Mick Fleetwood is 63, Actor Peter Weller is 63 and Actress Nancy Allen is 60.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 24, 2010, 09:41:17 am
Bonus-------

This was sent to me in an e-mail.

Entitled--------Spaghetti

A married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One day she announced to him that she was pregnant.  Fearful that his marriage was in jeopardy, he told the woman that he would give her a great sum of money to go live in Italy and have the baby there.  And, after the baby was born, he would support it until it was eighteen. 

The woman said okay, but how would the man know when the baby was born in order to start the support payments?

The man thought for a minute and then gave her a blank postcard and told her that when the baby is born to write the word Spaghetti on it and send it to him.  She agreed and moved to Italy.

Nine months later, he came home from work and his wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, you got the strangest postcard today."

He looked at the card, turned very pale, and fainted dead away.

The card read:

Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti

Three with meatballs, two without

Send more sauce.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 25, 2010, 09:24:47 am
Today's-------------------old, but still  funny

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely pastoral hillside where many goats were grazing.  "These," she explained gesturing towards the animals, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

_________________________________________________

In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his Seventh Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Big Horn in Montana.

In 1950, war broke out in Korea as forces from the communist North invaded the South.

In 1962, the Supreme Court, in Engel v. Vitale, ruled that recital of a state-sponsored prayer in New York State public schools was unconstitutional.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angles at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.

__________________________________________

Today--------------------------Actress June Lockhart is 85, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 71, Singer Carly Simon is 65, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 63 and TV personality Phyllis George is 61.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 26, 2010, 09:19:33 am
Today's-------------------------------GROANER, BIG TIME GROANER

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by bears.

"OK, guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry.  Then they'll leave and we can go home.

"So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the cub with three legs, and I'll take the one in the middle, the cub with one eye and limping, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silver-tip mama grizzly with blood-encrusted 9-inch claws, the big teeth and froth around the mouth."

"Hey, man, wait a sec ..... I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs -- that's not fair."

(Here we go----are you ready?  Is your coffee cup safely on the table?)


"Now, now, Joe, we all have our bears to cross."

___________________________________________________

In 1919, the New York Daily News was first published.

In 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman authorized the Air Force and Navy to enter the Korean conflict.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he expressed solidarity with the city's residents by declaring, "Ich bin ein Berliner," (I am a Berliner.)

__________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 88, Actor Josef Summer is 76, Singer Billy Davis, Jr is 70, Rock Singer Georgie Fame is 67 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 64

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 27, 2010, 09:54:20 am
Today's-----------------I think I remember this guy

During the minister's sermon, a large plant toppled over right behind the lectern, crashing to the ground.

Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, the pastor smiled sheepishly and said, "Well now, that's the first time I have ever put a plant to sleep."

_______________________________________

In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and brother, Hyram, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.

In 1985, the legendary Route 66 which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., passed into history as officials decertified the road.

In 1990, NASA announced that a flaw in the orbiting Hubble Space Telescope was preventing the instrument from achieving optimum focus.  (The problem was traced to a mirror that had not been ground to exact specifications; corrective optics were later installed to fix the problem.)

_______________________________________

Today-----------Business Executive Ross Perot is 80, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit is 72 and Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (the Beach Boys) is 68.

_______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 28, 2010, 09:24:31 am
Today's-----------------------another groaner

Sheila urgently needed a few days off work, but she knew the boss would not allow her to take a leave.

Sheila thought that maybe if she acted a little "crazy", he would tell her to take a few days off.  So, she hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

Her co-worker, Rose, asked her what she was doing.  Sheila told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think she had "lost it" and give her a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "Sheila, what are you doing?"

She told him she was a light bulb.  He said, "Clearly, you are stressed out.  Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."  Sheila jumped down and walked out of the office.

When Rose followed her, the boss said, "And where do you think you're going?"  Rose said, "I'm going home, too ----


I can't work in the dark."

_________________________________________

In 1778, the Revolutionary War Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey; it was from this battle that the legend of "Molly Pitcher" arose.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the National Housing Act, which established the Federal Housing Administration.

In 1978, the Supreme Court ordered the University of California, Davis Medical School to admit Allan Bakke, a white man who'd argued he'd been a victim of reverse racial discrimination.

__________________________________________

Today----------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 84, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 73, Actor Bruce Davison is 64 and Actress Kathy Bates is 62.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: The Polish Divorce
Post by: Jo McDonald on June 28, 2010, 10:48:25 pm


The Polish Divorce:     

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~



 

 


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on June 29, 2010, 07:55:01 am
Extra funny! love that one. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 29, 2010, 09:00:18 am
Good one, Jo!   :laugh: :laugh:

Today's---------------been there, done that

My mother turned 87 a couple of weeks ago, and as with anyone who has a "collection" of years behind them, trips to the doctor and pharmacy seem to occur with some degree of regularity.

The other day, mom and I were at CVS talking with the pharmacist who was going over the directions for another prescription.

"Be sure not to take one tablet more often than every four hours," warned the pharmacist.

"Oh, don't worry about that," my mom said with resignation, "it takes me four hours to get the lid off!"

__________________________________________________________

In 1776, the Virginia state constitution was adopted, and Patrick Henry was made governor.

In 1966, the United States bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong.

In 1970, the United States ended a two-month military offensive into Cambodia.

_________________________________________________________


Today-------Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 70, Actor Gary Bussey is 66. Comedian Richard Lewis is 63 and Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 62.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on June 30, 2010, 09:55:12 am
Today's----------------playing with them words again

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant  came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.

"I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault......it wasn't the pilot's fault..............it wasn't the flight attendant's fault............

It was the asphalt."

_______________________________________


In 1859, French acrobat Charles Blondin walked back and forth on a tightrope above the gorge of Niagara Falls as thousands of spectators watched.

In 1921, President Warren G. Harding nominated former President William Howard Taft to be chief justice of the United States, succeeding the late Edward Douglass White.

In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a vote of 64-20.

_______________________________________

Today-----------------Actor Tony Musante is 74 and Actress Nancy Dussault is 74.

_______________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 01, 2010, 09:39:18 am
Today's-------------------------a woman after my own heart


While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, the aide asked the group to complete well-known phrases.

For example, she would prompt them with "better safe....." and they would respond, "than sorry."  The game proceeded as expected until she got to the phrase, "Make love, not war."

She had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year woman shouted from the back, "while you can!"

___________________________________________________

In 1863, the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.

In 1943, "pay-as-you-go" income tax withholding began.

In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

In 2004, actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Olivia de Havilland is 94, Actor Farley Granger is 85, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 79, Actress Jean Marsh is 76. Actor Jamie Farr is 76, Actor David Prowse is 75, Actress Karen Black is 71, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 68, Rock Singer-actress Deborah Harry is 65 and Cookie maker "Famous" Wally Amos is 74.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 02, 2010, 09:45:00 am
Today's------so there!

The Fourth of July was coming up and the nursery-school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about independence and patriotism.

"We live in a free country," she said.

"One of the things we should really be happy about is that , in this country, we are all free."

One little boy quickly came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free, I'm four."

________________________________________________

In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states.

In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.

________________________________________________

Today--------------Country Singer Marvin Rainwater is 85, Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 80, Actor Robert Ito is 79, Actress Polly Holiday is 73, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 63 and Comedian Larry David is 63.

_________________________________________________

EVERYBODY HAVE A SAFE WEEKEND!

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 03, 2010, 10:07:16 am
Today's--------------------------------Whoops!

Last night Val was invited out for a night with "the girls."  She told her husband that she'd probably be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the spirited beverages went down way too easy.  Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed twice.  Quickly realizing that her husband might have been half-awakened, Val cuckooed another ten times.

The next morning, Val's husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight.  He seemed to accept that offering.

"Whew!  Got away with that one!" she thought to herself.  Then her husband said, "By the way, we REALLY need to get a new cuckoo clock."

When Val asked why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed TWICE, then said, 'Oh, dog-gone it!'"  Cuckooed FIVE more , times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another THREE times, giggled hysterically, cuckooed TWICE more, then tripped over the coffee table, swore at it vehemently and concluded the tirade with a huge belch.

__________________________________________________


IN 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Mass.

In 1863, the three-day Civil War battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederate forces retreated.

In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.

In 1971, Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.

_________________________________________________

Today-------------Actor Tim O'Connor is 83, Jazz Musician Pete Fountain is 80, Singer Fontella Bass is 70, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 67, Country Singer Johnny Lee is 64, Actress Betty Buckley is 63 and Actress Jan Smithers is 61.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 04, 2010, 09:34:28 am
Today's-------------------------short and sweet

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied

___________________________________________________

In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, NY.

In 1831, the fifth president of the United States, James Monroe, died in New York City at age 73.

In 1894, the Republic of Hawaii was proclaimed.  (Hawaii was annexed by the United States four years later.)

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Gloria Stuart is 100, Advice columnist Pauline Phillips (the original "Dear Abby") is 92.  Actress Eva Marie Saint is 86,  Playwright Neil Simon is 83, Baseball team owner George Steinbrenner is 80, Actor Ed Bernard is 73, Actress Karolyn Grimes is 70 and Broadcast Journalist Geraldo Rivera is 67.

___________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 05, 2010, 10:05:35 am
Today's-------------------------makes sense, I guess

Have you ever noticed that no one ever threatens to prosecute somebody to half the extent of the law -- it's always to the full extent.

In these times of economic distress, some department or convenience store should only prosecute shoplifters to 80 or 90 percent of the extent of the law.

It would be good public relations; It would demonstrate to the community that while store management may be tough on shoplifters, they still have a heart.

______________________________________

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.

In 1947, Larry Doby made his debut with the Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.

In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black man to win a Wimbledon singles title as he defeated Jimmy Connors.

______________________________________

Today---------Actress Katherine Helmond is 81, Actress Shirley Knight is 74, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 62 and Rock Singer Huey Lewis is 60.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 06, 2010, 09:18:35 am
Today's-----------------------------Out of the mouths-----------

When children come in to the doctor's office it generally falls upon the nurse to weigh, measure them and note their other vitals.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened 3-year-old on the scale, her mother said, "Honey, you know Mommy has a scale at home.  Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, crap!"

_____________________________________________

In 1777, during the American Revolution, British forces captured Ft. Ticonderoga.

In 1944, an estimated 168 people died in a fire that broke out during a  performance in the main tent of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Baily Circus in Hartford, Conn.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed an executive order established the Medal of Freedom.

______________________________________________


Today-----------Actor William Schallert is 88, Singer-Actress Della Reese is 79, Actor Ned Beatty is 73, Singer Gene Chandler is 70, Former President George W. Bush is 64, Actor-Director Sylvester Stallone is 64, Actor Fred Dryer is 64 and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 89.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 07, 2010, 09:05:23 am
Today's--------------------------find an empty elevator shaft for this guy

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.  After a long day of meetings they were dismayed to learn that all the elevators in their hotel were out of service and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for the first 25 flights, then Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

Indeed, at the 25th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. 

At the 51st floor Jim's serenading was complete and it was Scott's turn to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said with convincing gloom.  "I left our room key in the car!"

_______________________________________________

In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed in Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison.

In 1865, four people were hanged in Washington, D.C., for conspiring with John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln.

In 1898, the United States annexed Hawaii.

In 1919, the first Transcontinental Motor Company Convoy, in which a U.S. Army convoy of motorized vehicles crossed the United States, departed Washington, D.C.  (The trip ended in San Francisco on Sept. 6, 1919.

In 1930, construction began on Boulder Dam (later Hoover Dam.)

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Conner to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

___________________________________________

Today-----------------Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 83, Country singer Charlie Louvin is 83, Actor Joe Spano is 64, Country Singer Linda Williams is 63 and Actress Shelley Duvall is 61.

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 08, 2010, 11:56:26 am
Today's------------Hmmm--

Pappy sees Little Billie-Bob walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya'll goin' boy?"

Little Billie-Bob smiled and replied, "I'm a-goin' courting Peggy Sue over yonder."

Pappy said, "Y'know, when I went a-courtin', I surely didn't need me no dang lantern!"

"Yeah, Paw, I know," Little Billie-Bob said, "look what you got!"

____________________________________

In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence, in Philadelphia.

In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman named Gen. Douglas MacArthur commander-in-chief of United Nations forces in Korea. (But Truman ended up sacking MacArthur for insubordination nine months later, replacing him with Lt. Gen. Matthew B. Ridgeway.)

_________________________________

Today------------------Singer Jerry Vale is 78, Singer Steve Lawrence is 75 and Actress Kim Darby is 63.

________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on July 08, 2010, 12:53:17 pm
I hope little Billy Bob got popped in the mouth for being so disrespectful to his mother. >:(
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 09, 2010, 09:04:47 am
Today's----------------------Warph used to be a preacher?

It was a beautiful day, but the minister was having a horrible time on the golf course.  After lengthy visits in sand traps, slices and hooks ending in the forest, the pastor's final drive went straight into the drink.

The cleric, without uttering a single word, threw his club to the ground, stomped on it, then picked it up and wrapped it around the nearest tree.  He then wordlessly grabbed the balls and tees and threw them far into the forest before silently pulling the golf bag from the caddie's shoulders and hurling it out into the water hazard.

Glaring out at the pond he finally muttered, "I'm going to have to give it up!"

"Golf?" the caddy said, slightly troubled by the minister's wrath.

"No," the pastor replied, "the ministry."

__________________________________________

In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.,

In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term.  (He was succeeded by Millard Fillmore.)

In 1918, the Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.

___________________________________________

Today------------------Actor-singer Ed Ames is 83, Actor James Hampton is 74, Actor Brian Dennehy is 72, Actor Richard Roundtree is 68 and Author Dean Koontz is 65.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 10, 2010, 10:58:59 am
Today's---------------this one is old, but still one of my favorites

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, "I clocked you at 85 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says softly:  "Now don't be silly dear, you know you have never used the cruise control on this car or any other."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Will you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir..........I'll have to cite you for that, too."

The driver says, "Yes, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.........You never wear your seat belt."

And as the officer is writing out another ticket, the driver turns to his wife and harshly barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?"

The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

____________________________________________

In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate, and urged its ratification.  (However, the Senate rejected it.)

In 1962, the Telestar 1 communications satellite was launched from Cape Canaveral

______________________________________________

Today-------------------Actor Lawrence Pressman is 71, Singer Mavis Staples is 71, Actor Robert Pine is 69, Actor Ron Glass is 65, Actress Sue Lyon is 64 and Folk Singer Arlo Guthrie is 63.

___________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 11, 2010, 09:46:43 am
Today's-----------------------sigh, nothing in the paper today-----------back to the archives

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then.

_____________________________________________________

In 1767, John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Mass.

In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, NJ.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first incumbent chief executive to travel through the Panama Canal.

____________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Tab Hunter is 79, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 67, Actor Bruce McGill is 60 and Singer Bonnie Pointer is 60.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 12, 2010, 09:37:51 am
Today's--------------------------------tee hee

Mort was known for being inquisitive and unlucky.  Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord.  Nothing happened.

He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also failed.  He wondered, "Why me?!" and looked down to the fast-approaching ground below.

To his amazement, he saw a woman coming up with equal velocity. 

"Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they approached each other.

As she passed she hollered, "No...........do you know anything about gas stoves?"

___________________________________________________

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill passed by Congress authorizing the Medal of Honor.

In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing for a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states.  (It was declared ratified in Feb. 1913.)

In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced he'd chosen U.S. Rep. Geraldine Ferraro of New York to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major party ticket.

__________________________________________________

Today-------------Comedian Bill Cosby is 73, Singer-musician Christine McVie is 67, Actress Denise Nichols is 66, Fitness guru Richard Simmons is 62 and Actor Jay Thomas is 62.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 13, 2010, 08:56:14 am
Today's---------------another "from the mouths of babes"


Iziah was learning how to tie his shoes and at the age of four, everyone thought that he was doing quite well.

One morning, when his mother entered his room, she noticed he had proudly completed his shoe-tying task -- but his shoes were on the wrong feet.

She softly mentioned this to her son, and, with a tear in his eye, he said, "But, mom, these are the only feet I have."

__________________________________________________

In 1787, Congress enacted an ordinance governing the Northwest Territory.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy won the Democratic presidential nomination on the first ballot at his party's convention in Los Angeles, outdrawing rivals including Lyndon B. Johnson, Stuart Symington and Adlai Stevenson.

_________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Patrick Stewart is 70, Actor Robert Forster is 69, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 64, Actress Daphne Maxwell Reid is 62 and Actor Harrison Ford is 68.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 14, 2010, 09:20:20 am
Today's---------------------another "tee hee"

A woman walked into the animal shelter wanting to have her female cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.

"Is the mother friendly?" the receptionist asked.

(you see where this is going, right?)

"Very," sighed the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers, "That's how we got into this mess in the first place!"

_____________________________________________

In 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a federal crime to publish false, scandalous or malicious writing about the United States government.  (wait til they read this forum!)

In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney, Jr., alias "Billy the Kid", was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Ft. Sumner, NM.

_____________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor Dale Robertson is 87, Actress Nancy Olsen is 82, Actress Polly Bergen is 80, Former football player Rosie Grier is 78, Actor Vincent Pastore is 64 and Music Executive Tommy Mottola is 61.  

__________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 15, 2010, 09:21:16 am
Today's----------------------new kind of diet?

Cindy and Chloe hadn't seen each other for years.  When they finally sat down to lunch, Cindy was stunned at how trim and healthy Chloe looked.

"My goodness," she said, "What do you do to stay to fit?"

"Well," answered Chloe, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."

"Really!" exclaimed Cindy, looking her friend up and down, "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

__________________________________________

In 1870, Georgia became the last Confederate state readmitted to the Union.

In 1916, Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon startled the country by announcing he was going to visit the People's Republic of China.

____________________________________________

Today---------------Actor Alex Karras is 75, Actor Ken Kerchival is 75, Actor Patrick Wayne is 71, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 66 and Singer Linda Ronstadt is 64.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 16, 2010, 08:27:35 am
Today's--------------------or how about roosters and hens or rams and ewes or

Over the years, Donna and her husband, Dave, have usually managed to decode the cute, but sometimes confusing gender signs put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often they get stumped.  Recently, Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.

One was marked "Bronco" and the other was designated "Pinto".  Dave was baffled, so he stopped a restaurant employee passing by.

"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said, gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, you'd probably be more at ease using that one," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men.  "Pinto and Bronco are private dining rooms."

_______________________________________________

In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became Washington, D.C.

In 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, NM.

In 1969, Apollo 11, blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.

______________________________________________

Today-----Soul Singer Denise LaSalle is 76, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 68 and Actor-Singer Ruben Blades is 62.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 17, 2010, 08:41:47 am
Today's--------------------I know, I know, she was blo----


A doctor had just hired a new secretary (her hair color shall remain a mystery.)

Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Male patient shot in the lumbar region," the poor woman was flustered and at her wit's end.

At last, she thought she had it figured out and her face beamed as she typed,

"...............wounded in the woods!"

_______________________________________________

In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.

In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed, one atop the other, during a tea dance.

In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, CA.

_______________________________________________

Today----------------Actor Donald Sutherland is 75, Actress-Singer Diahann Carroll is 75, Rock Musician Spencer Davis is 68 and the comedian Phyllis Diller is 93.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 18, 2010, 09:06:19 am
Today's-----------------------back to the archives

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

__________________________________________________

In 1792, American naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the vice president.

In 1969, a car driven by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) plunged off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island near Martha's Vineyard; his passenger, 28 -year-old Mary Jo Kopechne drowned.

__________________________________________________

Today--------------Former South African President Nelson Mandela is 92, Former Sen. John Glenn (D-Ohio) is 89, Skating Champion and commentator Dick Button is 81, Actor James Brolin is 70, Singer Martha Reeves is 69, Blues Guitarist Lonnie Mack is 69 and our very own Dodgers manager Joe Torre is 70.

________________________________________________
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 19, 2010, 09:24:02 am
Today's--------------another "from the mouths of babes"-----

Myllah, a charming vibrant 7-year-old, came into the kitchen and complained to her grandmother, "Grandma, I have a tummy ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her grandmother said, "You would feel a lot better if you had something in it."

Later that afternoon, a neighbor came over to visit, and, in conversation, remarked that she had been suffering all day with a severe headache.

Myllah perked up and suggested, "that's because it's empty.  You'd feel better if there was something in it."

______________________________________________________________

In 1848, a pioneer women's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls, NY.
 
In 1969, Apollo 11 and its astronauts, Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin and Michael Collins, went into orbit around the moon.

In 1984, U.S, Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York won the Democratic nomination for vice-president by acclamation at the party's convention in San Francisco.

______________________________________________________

Today---------------Former Sen. George McGovern is 88, Actress Helen Gallagher is 84, Country singer Sue Thompson is 84, Country singer George Hamilton IV is 73, Actor Dennis Cole is 70, Singer Vikki Carr is 70, Country singer Commander Cody is 66 and Actor George Dzundza is 65.

______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on July 19, 2010, 09:58:18 pm
That joke goes to the firehouse with me tomorrow! Perfect. :D :D :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 20, 2010, 10:08:40 am
Today's-------------------------------groaner

Dave thought he was going crazy.  Every time he put on his hat, he would hear music from the 1930's and '40's.  Finally, he went to the doctor and explained the problem.

The doctor, as most seem to do, said, "Hmmmm, let me take a look."  Taking the hat, the doctor turned around to the table behind him momentarily, then handed the hat back to Dave and told him to put it on.

Dave did just that, and voila!, no music.  Dave was ecstatic.

"Wow!  What did you do?" he exclaimed.

"Awww, it was nothing, really, I just removed the big band."

____________________________________________________

In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States began holding sessions in Richmond, VA.

In 1917, the draft lottery in World War I went into operation.

In 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after landing the lunar module.

____________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 80, Actress Diana Rigg is 72, Country Singer T.G. Sheppard is 66, Singer Kim Carnes is 65 and Rock Musician Carlos Santana is 63.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on July 20, 2010, 10:38:30 am
MOANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 21, 2010, 09:03:43 am
Today's----------------------from the archives and a little long

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.

___________________________________________________

In 1861, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, VA, resulting in a Confederate victory.

In 1930, President Herbert Hoover singed an executive order establishing the Veterans Administration (later the U.S Department of Veterans Affairs.)

In 1949, the U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.

___________________________________________________

Today------------------Singer Kay Starr is 88, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 72, Actress Patricia Elliot is 68, Singer Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stephens) is 62 and Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 62.

_________________________________________________

Larryj




Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 22, 2010, 09:24:42 am
Today's--------------------------MD from the University of where?

Vito's arm began to hurt more and more with each passing day, so he paid a visit to the doctor.

The doctor looked at it, turned this way and that, then took out a book and studied it for a couple of minutes.  He set the book aside and solemnly asked, "Have you ever had this before?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," Vito recalled.

"Well," the doctor diagnosed, "you've got it again."

_________________________________________________

In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.

In 1796, Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by Gen. Moses Cleveland.

In 1933, American aviator Wiley Post completed the first solo flight around the world as he returned to New York's Floyd Bennett Field after traveling for seven days, 18 and 3/4 hours.

________________________________________________

Today-------------Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (R-Kan) is 87, Singer Margaret Whiting is 86, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 82, Fashion Designer Oscar de la Renta is 78, Actress Louise Fletcher is 76, Game Show Host Alex Trebek is 70, Actor-Singer Bobby Sherman is 67, Actor Danny Glover is 63, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 63 and Rock Singer Don Henley is 63.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 23, 2010, 09:00:06 am
Today's-------------------------another case of "foot in mouth disease"

It's not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment.  Surely you can sympathize with the fellow who met an old friend after many years.

"How's your wife?"

"She's in heaven," the friend replied softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the man.  Then he realized this was not quite the thing to say.  "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."  That, too, seemed inappropriate, so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."  That was even worse so he simply murmured, "You're looking well, good-bye."

______________________________________________________

In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.

In 1977, a jury in Washington, D.C., convicted 12 Hanafi Muslims of charges stemming from the hostage siege at three buildings the previous March.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush announced his choice of Judge David Souter of New Hampshire to succeed retiring Justice William J. Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court.

_____________________________________________________

Today------------Actress Gloria DeHaven is 85, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 74, Actor Ronny Cox is 72, Country Singer Tony Joe White is 67, Actor Larry Manetti is 63 and Actress Belinda Montgomery is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 24, 2010, 08:48:11 am
Today's--------------------------------------Yep

A California rancher went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident on your ranch?"

"Nope," replied the rancher, "although last summer, a bronco kicked in two of my ribs and several days later a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the rancher replied, "They did it on purpose!"

______________________________________________________

In 1869, the Apollo 11 astronauts -- two of whom had been the first men to set foot on the moon -- splashed down safely in the Pacific.

In 1974, the Supreme Court ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.

In 1975, an Apollo spacecraft splashed down in the Pacific, completing a mission that included the first-ever docking with a Soyuz capsule from the Soviet Union.

________________________________________________________

Today------------Actress Jacqueline Brookes is 80, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 75, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 74, Actor Mark Goddard is 74, Actor Dan Hedaya is 70, Actor Chris Sarandon is 68, Comedian Gallagher is 64 and Actor Robert Hayes is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 25, 2010, 02:49:45 pm
Today's--------------------------and this one is just plain bad


A string walks into a bar (I know, I know) and the bartender says, "We don't want no strings in here."  The string thinks that maybe if he comes back another day, it will be a different bartender and he can get a beer.  So the next day he goes back and says, "I have a glass of beer."  The bartender says, "No way, we don't want no strings in here" and throws him out.  So the string goes home and thinks and thinks on how he can get that beer.  The next day, all tuckered out from thinking, looking all worn out and with a bump he tied in his stomach by himself, he walks into the bar.  The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that has been coming in here the two days?"

And the strings says,

wait for it

wait for it

"No, I am a frayed knot."
______________________________________________________

In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States the first officer to hold that rank.

In 1868, Congress passed an act creating the Wyoming Territory.

In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, N.C., that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy as it served three of its black employees at the counter.

_____________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Barbara Harris is 75 and Rock Musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 67

______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 26, 2010, 08:44:36 am
Today's--------------------------Hee Hee

A severely visually impaired man is sitting on a park bench, passing the time of day.  A Rabbi sits down next to him.

The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh.  Feeling guilty about not sharing, the Rabbi breaks off a piece of matzoh and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this garbage?"

____________________________________________


In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first Postmaster-General.

In 1778, New York became the 11th state to ratify the Constitution.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which established the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense).

_________________________________________


Today-----------------Movie Director Blake Edwards is 88, Actor James Best is 84, Rhythm-and-blues Singer Bobby Hebb is 72, Singer Doby Gray is 70, Actress-singer Darlene Love is 69, Singer Brenton Wood is 69, Actress Helen Mirren is 65 and Rock Singer Mick Jagger is 67.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 28, 2010, 09:46:56 am
Whoops!  missed yesterdays---it was a busy day--

Today's------------------------------------------------------------No thanks, I'll stay with the peanuts.

My friend recently obtained one of those new-fangled electronic gizmos that allow outsiders to listen to conversations between airplane crews and control towers.  Following is one of the tidbits we picked up:

Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of large, dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower:  "Continental 655, cleared for takeoff: contact Departure on 124.7.  Did you copy that dead animal report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 655:  "Continental 655 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 702 and have already notified our caterers."

_________________________________________________

In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building killing 14 people.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000 "almost immediately."

_________________________________________________

Today---Actor Daryl Hickman is 79, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 65, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 64,  Actress Linda Kelsey is 64, Actress Georgia Engle is 62 and Actress Sally Struthers is 62.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 29, 2010, 08:38:08 am
Today's----------------------Teresa wouldn't give any warning

A burly burglar broke into the home of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to gather his booty.

The Quaker, upon hearing a noise, went downstairs with shotgun in hand.

Confronting the burglar, the Quaker took steady aim and gently said, "Friend, I mean thee no unnecessary harm, but thou standeth where I am about to shoot!"

____________________________________________________

In 1985, the space shuttle Challenger began an eight-day mission that got off to a shaky start -- the spacecraft achieved a safe orbit even though one of the main engines shut down permanently after lift-off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today----------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 96, Actor Robert Norton is 86, Actor Robert Fuller is 76, Former Senator Elizabeth H. Dole is 74, Actor David Warner is 69 and Actor Mike Starr is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 30, 2010, 09:55:27 am
Today's---------kinda rings a bell


It's Friday morning and a man decides to host a Friday evening barbecue featuring his culinary skills.  That said, the following chain of events unfold:

1  Man leaves for work.
2  Woman goes to the store.
3  Woman fixes salad, vegetables and dessert.
4  Woman prepares meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man who has come home from work and is lounging beside the grill, third beer in hand (it's thirsty work igniting charcoal).
5  Man places meat on grill.
6  Woman interrupts man sharing a brew with neighbor to tell him meat is on fire.
7  Man removes meat from grill and hands platter and meat to woman
8  Woman prepares plates and brings them to the table.
9  After dining, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10 Guests praise the man for his unique mastery of the grill.
11 Popping open another brew, man asks woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and is completely befuddled by her icy glare and hasty departure.

_______________________________________________

In 1932, the Summer Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill creating a women's auxiliary agency in the Navy known as "Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service"--  WAVES for short.

In 1945, during World War II, the Portland class heavy cruiser USS Indianapolis, which has just delivered components for the atomic bomb that would be dropped on Hiroshima, was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.

In 1975, former Teamsters union president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared in suburban Detroit; although presumed dead, his remains were never found.

_____________________________________________________

Today---------Actor Richard Johnson is 83, Actor Edd "Kookie" Byrnes is 77, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is 76, Singer Paul Anka is 69, Actor William Atherton is 63, blues singer-musician Otis Taylor is 62 and our very own "Governator" Arnold Schwarzenegger is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on July 31, 2010, 09:44:19 am
Today's-------A real groaner

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the town had a big brass gong that would be clanged every two hours thus:  At 8 in the morning, one strike:  10 AM two strikes:  noon, three times:  and on and on until 8 in the evening.

The lawyers of the day strived to stretch out the trials as long as they could in order to make more yen.  The judges became extremely irate with the status quo and went to the emperor for some sort of resolution.

Well, let me tell you the emperor at that time was no slouch and he promptly issued a proclamation declaring that ALL law administration would have to end by 2 PM., no ifs, ands or buts.

Consequently, it became known throughout the land that all trials ended with a ------

(wait for it)

Four-gong conclusion.

_____________________________________________________

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field.

In 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.

In 1969, the American space probe Mariner 6 flew by Mars, sending back images of the Red Planet.

______________________________________________________

Today-------------Actor Don Murray is 81, Jazz-composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 79, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 75, Actress France Nuyen is 71, Actress Susan Flannery is 67, Singer Lobo is 67, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 66, Singer Gary Lewis is 65 and Actor Richard Griffiths is 63.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wr
Post by: larryJ on August 01, 2010, 10:15:32 am
Today's-------------------------another "from the mouths of babes"

The third-graders were being given a course in first aid.  The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger brother or sister who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "I guess I'd have to climb through the window!"

_________________________________________________

In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.

In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people.  Whitman, who had also murdered his wife and mother hours earlier, was gunned down by police.

In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.

________________________________________________

Today-----Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 79, Cartoonist Tom Wilson (retired creator of "Ziggy") is 79 and Former Sen. Alfonse D'Amato
(R-NY) is 73

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 02, 2010, 09:02:07 am
Today's------------------------Just-------------------groan

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son, Ezra, walking to school.  She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.  She knew that Ezra didn't want her walking with him and his friend so she came up with an idea  of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, lagging behind at a discreet distance.  The neighbor agreed saying that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise.

As Ezra and his friend, Sam, walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Sam noticed the same lady pushing her baby in the stroller following them.  Finally, he asked Ezra if he noticed the pair.

Ezra nonchalantly replied "yes."  Sam asked, "Well, who is she?"

"I think it's Shirley Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy," Ezra said.

"Ok, but why are they following us?" Sam asked.

"Well," Ezra explained, "because my mom worries about me so much, she has me recite the 23rd Psalm every night and in the Psalm it says that 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.'  So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

____________________________________________________

In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.

In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory by Jack McCall , who was later hanged.

In 1909, the original Lincoln "wheat" penny first went into circulation, replacing the "Indian head" cent.

___________________________________________________

Today-----------Actor Peter O'Toole is 78, Movie Director Wes Craven is 71, Singer Kathy Lennon (Lennon Sisters) is 67, Actor Max Wright is 67, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 65 and Actress Kathryn Harrold is 60.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 03, 2010, 08:22:45 am
Today's--------------------I'm still working on that danged satellite TV thingie

Well, here we are moving right along in the 21st century.  But where's the world of the future we were always told about?

Where are the flying cars?  The cities in midair?  People zipping around in jet packs?  Robots doing all the chores for us?

I haven't seen any of this.  Have you?

I'm sorry, but being able to clap my lights off and on just doesn't cut it.

_________________________________________________________

In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.

In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.  (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second , similar episode.)

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed as a merger of the Basketball Association of America and the National Basketball League.

______________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Martin Sheen is 70, Lifestyle Guru Martha Stewart is 69, Singer Beverly Lee (The Shirelles) is 69, Movie director John Landis is 60, Actress JoMarie Payton is 60 and Singer Tony Bennett is 84.

______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 04, 2010, 09:37:01 am
Today's-------------------You gotta listen now and then

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday present when he saw a cowboy with a beautiful white horse.  He told the cowboy that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The cowboy replied, "I dunno, mister, it don't look so good," and slowly ambled away.  The next day, the rich man came back and offered the poor cowboy $1000 for the horse.

The poor cowboy said, "Geez, I dunno know, mister, it shore don't look so good."  On the third day, the rich man offered the cowboy $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor cowboy gave in, and the rich man took the horse home.  The rich man's daughter loved her present.  She immediately climbed onto the horse which immediately galloped off right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor cowboy's ranch house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.  The cowboy replied, ""Now hol' on jest a minute, I tol'  you more'n once it don't look so good."

_________________________________________________

In 1830, plans for the city of Chicago were laid out.

In 1892, Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their home in Fall River, MA.  Lizzie Borden, Andrew's daughter from a previous marriage, was accused of the killings, but acquitted at trial.

________________________________________________

Today---------------Journalist Helen Thomas is 90, Singer Frankie Ford is 71, Actress-singer Tina Cole is 67 and Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 66.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 05, 2010, 08:35:13 am
Today's---------------sometimes I have to read these things a few times to understand

Sometimes I wonder about things-------is that wise?

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so wrote a book ENTITLED....?   The book isn't entitled to anything.  It's titled, named or called.

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so stood at the PODIUM....?   A podium is something one stands on, a LECTURN is something one puts his notes on, stands at, has microphones attached, etc., etc.

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so was awarded the PEWitzer prize...?   It's Pulitzer people .... pull, pull, pull, not pew, pew, pew.  Are you listening, Bill O'Reilly?

And finally before I leave..............

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

________________________________________________

In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.

In 1924. the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" by Harold Gray made its debut.

In 1963, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.

In 1984, Actor Richard Burton died in Geneva, Switzerland, at age 58.

_______________________________________________

Today--------------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 80, Actress Cammie King (Gone With the Wind) is 76, Actor John Saxon is 75, College football Hall-of-Famer Roman Gabriel is 70, Country Songwriter Bobby Braddock is 70, Actress Loni Anderson is 65, Actress Erica Slezak is 64 and Actress Holly Palance is 60.

____________________________________________

Larryj



________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 06, 2010, 09:46:44 am
Today's------------------Some days, sometimes, I am almost ashamed of these jokes.


Renee's 7-year daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked her mom what it meant.  Renee was so shocked that she could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "if someone does that to you, just say, 'shame on you' to that person."

A few weeks later Renee and her family were at the dinner table when her husband let out a loud belch.  Renee reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."

You might imagine her husband's shock when their daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign!"

__________________________________________________________

In 1890, convicted murderer William Kemmler became the first person to be electrocuted in the electric chair as he was put to death at Auburn State Prison in New York.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.

In 1986, William J. Schroeder died after living 620 days with the Jarvik 7 artificial heart.

________________________________________________________

Today-------Actress-singer Abbey Lincoln is 80, Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 73, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 72, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 67 and actor Dorian Harewood is 60.

______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 07, 2010, 10:34:41 pm
Today's------------------------Sorry to be late, had to attend my next granddaughters baby shower.

A man takes his wife out deer-hunting for the first time.  It's very early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife. 

"Now, remember these woods have a lot of unscrupulous people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it with your life.  If you don't, someone else will claim it."

The wife nods OK.  "And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun three times in the air.  I will be over as quickly as I can."  Again, the wife nods OK.

"Now this is what we're going to do," he says.  "See that ridge to your right?  You're going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on top of this one to the left."

Separating, they go to their respective blinds.  About 30 minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge where the wife is.  He thinks to himself, "Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one."

Five minutes pass and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge.  "Oh, great, how there's trouble," he murmurs out loud and  immediately runs toward her ridge.  As he reaches the top, he steps into a clearing where his wife has her gun pointed at a cowboy with his hands held high in the air.  The husband gingerly walks closer and asks the cowboy, "All right, what's going on here?"

The cowboy remains rigid only moving his eyes.  He says through clenched teeth, "Look, I don't want any trouble --  just tell her to please let me get my saddle off her 'deer', OK?"

________________________________________________________

In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.

In 1789, the War Department was created by Congress.

In 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, giving President Lyndon B. Johnson broad powers in dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks against U.S. forces.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible invasion by Iraq.

____________________________________________________________

Today-----------Writer-Producer Stan Freberg is 84, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Herb Reed (The Platters) is 82, Former Baseball pitcher Don Larsen is 81, Actress Verna Bloom is 71, Singer B.J. Thomas is 68 and Actor John Glover is 66.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 08, 2010, 10:04:07 am
Today's------------------------------I got a song in my head

When Ginger's children received a DVD of "Cinderella" as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop beginning early, early in the morning for four days.  Since it was warm outside, the family kept the windows open until noon.

Ginger's neighbors were having their roof reshingled by a crew of no-nonsense burly guys.  As Ginger went out to get the mail one afternoon, she heard a roofer singing, "........put it together and what do you get..........?"

And immediately from the other side of the house came a chorus of three more husky voices; "Bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi-boo!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1876, Thomas A. Edison received a patent for his mimeograph.

In 1974, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal, President Nixon announced that would resign, and that Vice President Gerald R. Ford would succeed him.

______________________________________________

Today----------Producer Dino De Laurentiis is 91, Actress Esther Williams is 89, Singer Mel Tillis is 78, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 73, Actress Connie Stevens is 72 and Actor Larry Wilcox is 63.

______________________________________________

Larryj





Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Judy Harder on August 08, 2010, 02:01:18 pm
See, even macho guys like to sing as they work. Thanks Larry
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 09, 2010, 09:34:28 am
Today's-----------------------shoulda been in the paper yesterday (Sunday)---

Christie, the regular children's Bible class teacher, was ill, so the pastor volunteered his services.

When he walked into the room he couldn't help but notice the looks of bewilderment as to why "the big guy" was there and not their beloved Christie.

He decided to explain what a substitute was by giving an example.  He told the children, "let's say a pane of window glass was broken and missing.  Certainly, we couldn't just leave a bare opening so we would 'substitute' the missing pane with a piece of wood, cardboard or plastic until the pane could be replaced."

That seemed to satisfy the children so the class began.  The minister gave the lesson with lots of exuberance and dramatics and the children seemed really enthused and interested in what he had to say.

If he had any concerns about his expertise with the younger crowd, one youngster removed all doubts when she announced at the end of the class, "pastor, you weren't a substitute, you were a real PANE!"

___________________________________________________

In 1936, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics as the United States took first place in the 400-meter relay.

In 1944, 258 African-American sailors based at Port Chicago, CA., refused to load a munitions ship following an explosion on another ship that killed 320 men, two-thirds of them black.  (Fifty of the sailors were convicted of mutiny, fined and imprisoned.)

In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki, killing an estimated 74000 people.

In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.

In 1995, Jerry Garcia, lead singer of the Grateful Dead, died in Forest Knolls, CA., of a heart attack at age 53.

______________________________________________________

Today-------Comedian-Director David Steinberg is 68, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 67, Actor Sam Elliot is 66 and Former Baseball Player Bill Campbell is 62.

______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 10, 2010, 09:39:52 am
Today's-------------------------whoopsies

Working as an office manager at an international airport, Maureen had an office adjacent to a room where security personnel temporarily held suspicious persons for questioning. 

One day, security officers were talking with a man when they were suddenly called away on an emergency.  To the horror of Maureen and her three colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.  After a few minutes, the door opened and the man began to walk out.

Summoning their courage, all four ladies stood up blocking his exit and in a unanimous no-nonsense tone of voice barked, "You, you get back in there and don't you make a move until you're told to, is that clear?"

The man nodded, slowly backed back into the room and quickly shut the door.

When the security personnel returned, Maureen advised them of their encounter and, without a word, the security folks went into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

_____________________________________________________

In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.

In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.

In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by members of the Charles Manson cult, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.

______________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 87, Singer Eddie Fisher is 82, Singer Ronnie Spector is 67, Actor James Reynolds is 64 and Singer Patti Austin is 62.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 10, 2010, 10:10:38 pm
BONUS                              BONUS                          BONUS                                 BONUS

I  got this one in an e-mail today and wanted to pass it on.  (doing it from memory, so it is not word for word.)

President Barack Obama was invited and attended the National Conference of Indian Tribal Chiefs.  The President spoke on and on about how the Indian nation was vitally important to the interests of the country and that he was going to make sure that all tribes got the monetary support they needed and the full support of the United States government.  The tribal chiefs, in turn, gave the president his Indian name, Walking Eagle.

With that, the president left and went on to a fundraiser.  A reporter who was covering the whole affair approached one of the leaders of the tribal chiefs and asked, "What does the name 'Walking Eagle' mean?"

The tribal chief responded, "Walking Eagle mean 'big bird so full of crap, it can't fly."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 11, 2010, 08:44:49 am
Today's---------------Another "from the mouths of babes"

As a dental hygienist, Kathy had an entire family come in one day for an examination and cleaning.

By the time she was ready for the father, he informed her that she had an awful lot to live up to.  He said his 6-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very, very, smart lady" was going to clean their teeth that day.

The father said she kept going on and on about Kathy's intelligence and skill until he finally asked how she came to that conclusion. 

The little girl looked at her father and explained, "Because every time I come here, everybody calls her the Dental High Genius."

________________________________________________________

In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at the island prison Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay.

In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the predominately black Watts section of Los Angeles.

In 1992, the Mall of America opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.

______________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Arlene Dahl is 82, Actress Anne Massey is 73, Country Singer John Conlee is 64 and Computer scientist and Apple co-fonder Steve Wozniak is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 12, 2010, 10:34:57 am
Today's--------------what? did you say something?

The other evening my friends Dave and Donna were having their evening meal and Dave was quite impressed with the meat entree.

As Donna went to the kitchen, Dave asked her, "What did you marinate this in?"

Donna immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life just wouldn't be the same without him, etc., etc.  As she returned to the table, his quite puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own.  "Uh, what did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his reply and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she once again left the room, he called out, "Well -- would you marry me again?"

Looking over her shoulder she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

_______________________________________________________

In 1859, poet and English professor Katherine Lee Bates, who wrote the words to "America the Beautiful," was born in Falmouth, Mass.

In 1867, President Andrew Johnson sparked a move to impeach him as  he defied Congress by suspending Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton.

In 1970, President Richard Nixon signed the Postal Reorganization Act that abolished the U.S. Post Office Department in favor of the independently run United States Postal Service.

___________________________________________________

Today------------Actor George Hamilton is 71, Actress Dana Ivey is 69, Actress Jennifer Warren is 69, Actor Jim Beaver is 60, Singer Kid Creole is 60 and your fellow forum member, husband, father, grandfather, ever grateful and happy, all-around good guy Larry Jordan is 67!

___________________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 13, 2010, 09:35:44 am
Today's----------Okay---there are groaners and then there are big groaners, but this one?  AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH

A traveling ballet troupe decided to perform "Swan Lake".  All the members spent months rehearsing and two days before going on the road, they planned a dress rehearsal.

Unfortunately, moths had gotten into the wardrobe and destroyed all the tutus.  Making matters even more dire, there was no place in town to buy new ones.

The producer immediately set about calling various cities.  Eventually, he found a shop owner that promised to deliver the tutus by train the very next day. 

Not knowing the exact arrival time, the producer wasted no time getting to the station.  As he was standing all alone on the platform next to the tracks, the station master asked if he needed help.

"No, thanks," the producer said, "I'm just waiting for the tutu train."

___________________________________________________

In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.

In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.

__________________________________________________

Today---------Former Cuban President Fidel Castro is 84, Actor Pat Harrington is 81, Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is 77, Actor Kevin Tighe is 66, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 63 and Hockey Hall of Famer Bobby Clarke is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 14, 2010, 09:04:34 am
Today's------------Another "whoopsie"

Kathy and her husband, Steve, went out for dinner and dancing with his rather stern, elderly boss and his wife.

When Steve began a tale, which Kathy was sure he had told before, she gave him a kick under the table.  There was no response and Steve rambled on.  So Kathy gave him another vigorous kick and still the story went on. 

Suddenly Steve stopped in mid-sentence and said, "I'm sorry, I forgot I told you this story before," and he then changed the subject by asking his wife to dance.

On the dance floor, Kathy asked Steve why it had taken so long to get her message.

"What do you mean?" he asked.  "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But sweetheart, I kicked you twice," Kathy said, "and it still took you a long time to stop."

Suddenly they realized what likely had occurred.

Sheepishly they returned to the table.  The boss and his wife were smiling as he said, "Don't worry about the under-the-table shenanigans.........after the second kick, I figured it wasn't meant for me, so I passed it along."

___________________________________________________

In 1908, a race riot erupted in Springfield, Illinois, as a white mob began setting black-owned homes and businesses on fire; at least two blacks and five whites were killed in the violence.

In 1909, the newly opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway held its first event, a series of motorcycle races.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.

________________________________________________________________

Today, Singer Buddy Greco is 84, Baseball Hall-of-Fame coach Earl Weaver is 80, Rock Singer David Crosby is 69, Country Singer Connie Smith is 69, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 65, Actor Antonio Fargas is 64, Actress Susan Saint James is 64, Author Danielle Steel is 63 and "Far Side" cartoonist Gary Larsen is 60.

___________________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 15, 2010, 11:48:59 am
Today's-----------and danged near wiped out the curio shop too------------

As the Southwest jet airliner was flying over Arizona towards New Mexico, on a very clear day, the pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about the various landmarks.

"Coming up on the left," he said, "is the famous Meteor Crater, a major tourist attraction a short distance from Flagstaff."

"It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles per hour.  The impact scattered white-hot debris for miles in every direction and left a depression nearly a mile across and 570 feet deep."

From the cabin a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow!  It just missed the I-40!"

______________________________________________

In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to traffic.

In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow in the Alaska Territory.

In 1969,  the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.

_____________________________________________

Today--------------Actress Rose Marie is 87, Actor Mike Connors is 85, Civil Rights Activist Vernon Jordan is 75, Britain's Princess Anne is 60 and Actress Tess Harper is 60.

___________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 16, 2010, 09:49:18 am
Today's--------------------------------the law is the law

A beautiful woman was visiting a famous castle on the coast of Northern California admiring all of the fantastic artifacts, rooms and grounds.  Among her favorites was the large, Roman swimming pool.

Shortly before the end of the afternoon tour, she decided she would hide and then, pretending to be a famous movie star, would go skinny-dipping in the glorious pool.

After the tour buses departed she stepped from her hiding place and removed her clothing and slowly paraded around the pool.  As the approached the side of the pool and prepared to dive in, she heard a rustling noise in the bushes and a security man, who had been watching her all along, emerged.  He stared at her for a very long time before announcing, "I'm sorry, swimming is prohibited."

"Why," she said angrily, "didn't you tell me that before I took off all my clothes?

"Swimming is prohibited," he said admiringly, "undressing is not."

____________________________________________________

In 1777, American forces won the Revolutionary War Battle of Bennington.

In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York at age 53.

In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Inc.

In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tenn., at age 42.

______________________________________________________

Today---------------Actress Ann Blythe is 82, Football Hall of Fame and sportscaster Frank Gifford is 80, Singer Edie Gorme is 79, Actor John Standing is 76, Actor Gary Clarke is 74, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 64 and Actress Julie Newmar is 77.


____________________________________________________

Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 17, 2010, 09:38:10 am
Today's---------------------------------maybe not such a good suggestion---

When Clarence's wife ran away with another man, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.  Clarence revealed in detail his feelings to the all-wise shrink and sobbed, "Life just is not worth living."

"You mustn't feel that way," the doctor admonished.  "You will get over this, believe me.  Meanwhile, let work be your salvation.  I want you to completely immerse yourself in your work.  Now then, what do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks," Clarence said softly.

_______________________________________________________

In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War.

In 1969, Hurricane Camille slammed into the Mississippi coast as a Category 5 storm that was blamed for 256 deaths.

In 2000, Al Gore accepted the Democratic nomination for president, pledging a "better, fairer, more prosperous America."

______________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Maureen O'Hara is 90, Baseball All-Star Boog Powell is 69, Rock Musician Gary Talley (The Box Tops) is 63 and Actor Robert DeNiro is 67.

__________________________________________________


Larryj


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 18, 2010, 09:42:09 am
Today's-------------old, but still funny

One summer evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot.  So he thought he'd give a hoot back.

To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again.  The man hooted again..............and so did the owl.  And on it went for the next hour or so.  The next night the same scenario occurred.

All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversations."  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with the wife of their next door neighbor.

"I always know where to find my husband," she commented, chuckling, "he spends his nights out in the back yard calling to owls."

"Well, that's interesting," the neighbor replied, "So does my husband."

___________________________________________________

In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil,, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.  (However, the Roanoke colony ended up mysteriously disappearing.)

In 1846, U.S. forces led by Gen. Stephen W. Kearny captured Santa Fe, NM.

In 1894, Congress established the Bureau of Immigration.

In 1910, floral delivery service FTD began under the name Florist's Telegraph Delivery ( the "T" now stands for "Transworld."

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of all American women to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.

_____________________________________________________________

Today---------Former First Lady Rosalyn Carter is 83, Academy Award-winning director Roman Polanski is 77, Attorney and author Vincent Bugliosi is 76, Olympic gold medal decathlete Rafer Johnson is 75, Singer Johnny Preston is 71 and Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 67.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 19, 2010, 08:27:47 am
Today's-------------------from the mouths of babes-----again

The telephone rang in the Principal's office at an elementary school.  "Hello," the principal said, "this is Wizard Elementary School, how may I help you?"

"Hi, this is Timmy Jone's father.  Timmy won't be coming to school today and for the rest of the week."

"Oh my!" the principal replies, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Oh nothing serious," the voice says, "It's just that our family is going on a little vacation......I hope that is all right."

"Well, it's kind of unusual, but I suppose it will be okay this time.  May I ask who is calling, again, please?"

"Certainly.  This is my dad."

___________________________________________________

In 1909, the first automobile races were held at the just-opened Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

In 1960, a tribunal in Moscow convicted American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage, two days after his 31st birthday.  (Although sentenced to 10 years imprisonment, Powers was returned to the United States in 1962 as part of a prisoner exchange.)

__________________________________________________

Today------------------Actor L.Q Jones is 83, Actress Debra Paget is 77, Rock Musician Ginger Baker (Cream, Blind Faith) is 71, Singer Johnny Nash is 70, Actress Jill St. John is 70, Actor and Former Senator Fred Thompson is 68, Former President Bill Clinton is 64 Tipper Gore, wife of former Vice-President Al Gore is 62 and Actor Gerald McRaney is 62.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 20, 2010, 09:45:25 am
Today's-----------------leave it to the geeks?

A software engineer, hardware engineer and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.  They were driving down a steep mountain when suddenly the brakes failed.

The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside.

The occupants were unhurt, but they had a problem.  They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
"I know," said the manger, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define our Goals, and of through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we will be on our way.

"No," said the hardware engineer, "I have a better solution.  I have my Swiss Army knife.  I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, repair it, and we'll be on our way."

"Now, wait a minute," the software engineer said, "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if there's a second failure?"

________________________________________________

In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over, months after fighting had stopped.

_______________________________________________

Today-----------U.S. Special Envoy George Mitchell is 77, U.S. Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) is 75, Baseball all-star Craig Nettles is 66, Broadcast Journalist Connie Chung is 64 and Actor John Noble is 62.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 21, 2010, 08:43:33 am
Today's-------------yeah, there you go!

An explorer in the remotest part of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.  Upon surveying the situation, the explorer says quietly to himself, "Oh, God, I'm done for."

Suddenly there is an intense ray of light from the sky above and a booming voice is heard only by him.

"No," the voice says comfortingly, "you are not done for.  Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the fellow with all the fancy headdress standing before you."

The explorer bends down, picks up the stone and mightily whacks the chief upside the head.  The chief drops to one knee, shakes his head and slowly, menacingly rises to his feet, eyes blood-red and glaring.  Spitting out a couple of teeth, he, and the rest of the tribe, move forward toward the explorer.

But once again the explorer sees the ray of light and hears the voice from the sky:

"Oookaaay............NOW you are done for."

________________________________________

In 1858, the first of seven debates between senatorial contenders Abraham Lincoln and Steven Douglas took place.

In 1878, the American Bar Association was founded in Saratoga, NY.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.

________________________________________

Today--------------Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 78, Singer Kenny Rogers is 72, Singer Jackie DeShannon is 69 and Actress Patty McCormack is 65.

______________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 22, 2010, 08:31:13 am
Today's------------------it's Sunday

If God texted the Ten Commandments:

1.  no1 b4me, srsly.
2.  dnt wrshp pix/idols
3.  no omg's
4.  no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5.  prnts ok -- ur m&d r cool.
6.  dnt kill ppl
7.  sx only w/ m8
8.  dnt steal
9.  dnt lie
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8.

(that drove the spell checker crazy!)
__________________________________________________

In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River to delegates from the Constitutional Convention.

__________________________________________________

Today------Retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf is 76, Rockabilly Singer Dale Hawkins is 74, Baseball Hall-of-famer Carl Yastrzemski is 71, Actress Valerie Harper is 70, Football coach Bill Parcells is 69, Actress Cindy Williams is 63, International Swimming Hall-of-famer Diana Nyad is 61 and Author Ray Bradbury is 90.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: sixdogsmom on August 22, 2010, 08:52:58 am
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Mom70x7 on August 22, 2010, 09:34:30 am
Have a friend that interviewed Ray Bradbury a couple of years ago. He still talks about it - very impressed.

And that texting of the 10 commandments . . . Ugh! I have so much trouble with those abbreviations. I text a little, but almost always spell everything out.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: srkruzich on August 22, 2010, 11:43:25 am
Wow! I had no idea that Ray Bradbury was still alive; his has given me many many hours of pleasure, I just recently reread The Martian Chronicles. Happy Birthday Ray! (Thanks for posting this Larry)
He has been working in films.  Babylon5 i think is one of  his productions.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on August 22, 2010, 12:29:21 pm
Larry that was great and I'm so proud of myself for being able to read it. I too, loved all the Ray Bradbury stuff, especially the Martian Chronicles. When I was a kid and started losing interest in comic books, science fiction took over. I still have a few of the early paperbacks including Clifford Simak's "City," which cost me all of 25 cents of my allowance money.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 23, 2010, 08:50:08 am
Today's--------------------------good salesman

I finally made it to the Orange County Fair and, as usual, was amused by all the sales pitches presented for various household and outside equipment to make our lives so much easier.

One fellow, especially, caught my attention.  He was hawking----excuse me-------------selling mops.  Among the many features was the mop's unbreakable handle.

He was, indeed, impressing the people gathered around as he put the mop through all sorts of torture and stress. 

As a final insult to the mop handle, he took it in both hands, put his foot in the middle of the shaft and bent the indestructible device nearly in half.  It promptly broke in two with a loud crack.

Without any display of emotion, he bravely held up both halves of the "unbreakable" mop for everyone to see and said emphatically, "and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what the inside of an unbreakable mop handle looks like!"

___________________________________________________

In 1775, Britain's King George III proclaimed the American colonies in a state of "open and avowed rebellion."

In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New  York at age 31.

____________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Vera Miles is 80, Actress Barbara Eden is 76, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgenson is 76, Actor Richard Sanders is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Rayfield Wright is 65, Country Singer Rex Allen Jr. is 63, Singer Linda Thompson is 63, Actress Shelley Long is 61 and Actor-Singer Rick Springfield is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

______________________________________________________
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 24, 2010, 09:43:31 am
Today's----------------this guy is really good-----

Roger, a well known and respected auto mechanic, received a repair order that noted "check for a clunking noise whenever the vehicle is turned."

Roger took the car for a test drive and made a right turn, a left turn, another left turn, a right turn, a left turn followed by another right turn.  Each time he executed such a maneuver, he, indeed, heard a loud "CLUNK."

After returning to the repair shop and "working" for a moment or two, he brought the car to the service manager with the completed repair order which noted, "removed loose bowling ball from trunk."

___________________________________________________

In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, making her the first woman to fly solo, non-stop, from coast to coast.

In 1989, Baseball Commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti banned Pete Rose from the game for betting on his own team, the Cincinnati Reds.

___________________________________________________

Today-------Actor Kenny Baker (Star Wars) is 76, Composer-Musician Mason Williams is 72, Rhythm-and-blues singer Marshall Thompson (The Chi-Lites) is 68, Rock musician Ken Hensley is 65 and Actress Anne Archer is 63.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 25, 2010, 07:54:47 am
Today's------------------------stupid one, just stupid

Ulena walked into her doctor's office and was quickly escorted to an examination room.

She had a sausage coming out of her left ear, a piece of waffle coming out of her nose, a slice of bacon coming out of her other ear and three eggs (sunny-side-up) on top of her head.

As the doctor entered the room, Ulena exclaimed worriedly, "Doctor, doctor, what in the world is wrong with me?"

The doctor, looking at her over his spectacles, replies, "Offhand, I'd say you're not eating right."

(sorry I forgot to say "groaner")

________________________________________________________

In 1943, U.S. forces liberated New Georgia in the Solomon Islands from the Japanese during World War II.

In 2009, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, the liberal lion of the U.S. Senate, died at age 77 in Hyannis Port, Mass., of a brain tumor.

______________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor Sean Connery is 80, Talk show/game show host Regis Philbin is 79, Actor Tom Skerritt is 77, Rock Singer-actor Gene Simmons is 61, Actor John Savage is 61 and Game Show Host Monty Hall is 89.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 26, 2010, 08:58:50 am
Today's-------------------well, she is listening

While marking her pupil's social studies test papers, the teacher was in a quandary about the answer given by Mylla, one of the second-graders in her class.

Asked to name the four major directions, Mylla had written:

"Listen carefully.  Write neatly.  Sit up straight.  Raise your hand."

______________________________________

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women the right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.

______________________________________

Today---------------Former Democratic vice-president nominee Geraldine Ferraro is 75, Actress Francine York is 74, Singer Vic Dana is 68, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Valerie Simpson is 64 and Pop Singer Bob Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 61.

_____________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 27, 2010, 09:28:56 am
Today's--------------------almost a groaner


A colony of bats, hanging on the ceiling of the cave, became aware of Clyde, a member of their group, standing upright underneath them on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this quite unusual behavior, they bellow at their friend:

"What in the heck are you doing down there, Clyde?"

The little guy looks up at them and shouts, "Yoga!"

_________________________________________________

In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.

In 1989, the first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida  -- A Delta booster carrying a British communications satellite, the Marcopolo 1.

______________________________________________

Today----------------Cajun-country singer Jimmy C. Newman is 83, Actor Tommy Sands is 73, Bluegrass singer-musician J.D. Crowe is 73, Musician Daryl Dragon is 68, Actress Tuesday Weld is 67, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 65 and Actress Barbara Bach is 63.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 28, 2010, 09:32:21 am
Today's---------------------old but still funny

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last week?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied, "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques; visualization, association, etc.  It was great."

"Wow!  Hey, the wife and I should go to that.  What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank.  He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, " What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns and smells good?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!"  He then turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

______________________________________________________

In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted from his uncle's home in Money, Miss. by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman:  he was found brutally slain three days later.

In 1963, 200,000 people participated in a peaceful civil rights rally in Washington, D.C., where Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., delivered his 'I have a Dream' speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

In 1968, police and anti-war demonstrators clashed in the streets of Chicago as the Democratic national convention nominated Hubert H. Humphrey for president.
________________________________________________________

Today----Country Singer Billy Grammer is 85, Actor Ben Gazzara is 80, Actor David Soul is 67, Former MLB manager Lou Pinella is 67 and Actress Debra Mooney is 63.

________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 30, 2010, 09:08:26 am
Yesterday's----------------------We had a nice weekend away--a gift from our wonderful daughter-in-law

One of Brad's first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.  He spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. 

"What's wrong?" Brad asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, the customer complained about the paint not matching. uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems.  He demanded an explanation.

"The repairs," Brad exclaimed, "were made to the other side of the car."

__________________________________________________________

In 1958, pop superstar Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana.

In 1966, the Beatles concluded their fourth American tour with their last public tour, at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana; the resulting floods devastated the city of New Orleans.  More than 1,800 people in the region died.

________________________________________________________

Today------------Actor Elliott Gould is 72, TV Personality Robin Leach is 69 and Actor Ray Wise is 63.

_______________________________________________________

Today's----------------These sound like fun!

How to create additional excitement for the bride on her wedding day.

Have someone start "the wave" and toss a beach ball around the congregation during the ceremony.

Change the vows from "until death do us part" to "until the first tribal council."

Tell her all the pre-wedding counseling sessions with the minister have convinced you to enter the priesthood.

Wear you cell phone earpiece at the altar.

Add real chickens to the chicken dance.

Tell her that after speaking to he maid of honor, you're a little surprised she chose to wear white.

Swap her wedding dress with an exact replica that's two sizes smaller.

Tape a "Wide Load" sign to her backside right before she walks down the aisle.

"Wedding? That was today?"

_____________________________________________

In 1861, Union Gen. John C. Fremont instituted martial law in Missouri and declared slaves to be free.  (However, Fremont's order was countermanded days later by President Abraham Lincoln.)

In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major-league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first-at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.

In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1997, Americans received word of the car crash in Paris that claimed the lives of Princess Diana, Dodi Fayad and their driver, Henri Paul.  (Because of the time difference, it was Aug. 31 where the crash occurred.)

__________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actor Bill Daily is 83, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 71, Actor Ben Jones is 69, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 67, Actress Peggy Lipton is 63 and Country Singer Kitty Wells is 91.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on August 31, 2010, 10:53:57 am
Today's------------------------Arghhhh!

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having performance problems in the bedroom."  The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your agility and ability.  I can accomplish this in a series of operations spread out over a 30-day period and will cost $12,000.

"Or," the doctor continued while his patient regained his composure, "I can bring you back to A-1 condition in one operation right away that would cost $30,000.  Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the fellow comes back into the doctor's office and the doctor asks, "Well, what did you decide?"

The fellow says, "My wife says we're going to re-do the kitchen."

_________________________________________________

In 1969, boxer Rocky Marciano died in a light plane crash in Iowa, a day before his 46th birthday.

In 1985, Richard Ramirez, later convicted of California's "Night Stalker" killings, was captured by residents of an East Los Angeles neighborhood.

In 1986, 82 people were killed when an Aeromexico jetliner and a small private plane collided of Cerritos, CA.

(Personal note:  On the day the planes collided, we were on the 605 freeway headed south to the beach for the day and as we passed through Cerritos, we could see a black plume of smoke to the east of us.  We did not know what it was until later when we saw the news.)

__________________________________________________________

Today-----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 75, Actor Warren Berlinger is 73, Rock Musician Jerry Allison (Buddy Holly and the Crickets) is 70, Actor Jack Thompson is 70, Violinist Itzhak Pearlman is 65, Singer-songwriter Van Morrison is 65 and Actor Richard Gere is 61.

__________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 01, 2010, 12:02:01 pm
Today's------------------------Good one

"Oh no!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.  Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it.  How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son, Glenn.  Only the slim hope of finding Glenn kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.  He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.  He moved ahead slowly.

"Glenn!  Glenn!" he called out.  He tripped and almost fell several times.  He heard someone or something move.  At least he thought he did.  He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened.  There was some light but not enough to see very much.  Something cold and wet brushed against his hand.  He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Glenn!"  From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.  "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

_______________________________________________________

In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr was found not guilty of treason.  (Burr was then tried on a misdemeanor charge, but was again acquitted.

In 1985, a U.S.-French expedition located the wreckage of the Titanic on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean roughly 400 miles off Newfoundland.

_______________________________________________________

Today-------------Actor George Maharis is 82, Actor Don Stroud is 67, Singer Archie Bell is 66, Singer Barry Gibb is 64, talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 60 and Comedian-Actress Lily Tomlin is 71.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 02, 2010, 02:07:53 pm
Today's--------------------old, probably a repeat, but still funny

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor, smiled and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

___________________________________________________

In 1945, Japan formally surrendered in ceremonies aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, ending World War II.

In 1969, in what some regard as the birth of the Internet, two connected computers at UCLA passed test data through a 15-foot cable.

__________________________________________________

Today---------Dancer-Actress Marge Champion is 91, Jazz Musician Horace Silver is 82, Former Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Uberoth is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sam Gooden (The Impressions) is 71, Singer Jimmie Clanton is 70, Singer Joe Simon is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 62 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 62.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 03, 2010, 11:06:23 am
Today's------------Hee Hee

The personnel office received an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff breakdown by age and sex.

The director of the personnel office sent this reply:  "Attached is a list of our staff.  We currently have no one broken down by age or sex.  However, we strongly suspect we have a few alcoholics."

______________________________________________

In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.

______________________________________________

Today-------------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 87, Actress Anne Jackson is 84, Actress Eileen Brennan is 78, Country Singer Tompall Glaser is 77, Actress Pauline Collins is 70, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 68 and Actress Valerie Perrine is 67.

______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 04, 2010, 10:29:18 am
Today's-----------wait--today is Saturday, not Sunday

A nice gentleman who was a regular at church services every Sunday had just passed on and was at the Gates of Heaven.  As he prepared to enter an angel appeared by his side and asked him if he knew God's earthly name.

The fellow said, "Oh yes, that's easy----his name is Andy."

"Andy!" the angel exclaimed.  "What makes you think his name is Andy?"

"Well," the man said, "it must be because we always sing the song each Sunday, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me......'"

__________________________________________________

In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve.
 
In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles at Skeleton Canyon in Arizona.

In 1969, the Food and Drug Administration issued a report calling birth control pills "safe" despite a slight risk of fatal blood-clotting disorders linked to the pills.

__________________________________________________

Today-------------Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 68, World Golf Hall of Famer Raymond Floyd is 68, Actress Jennifer Salt is 66, World Golf Hall of Famer Tom Watson is 61 and Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 79.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Warph on September 04, 2010, 12:00:39 pm



Mitzi is 79... wow, and to think I was in love with her eons ago... how time flies. 

And I say this, because I wanted to be the number 700th on "replys."

Keep up the good work on "another slice of wry" Larry.  I
read it every day.  One of the best things on this forum.


Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 07, 2010, 07:01:31 pm
Okay, let's get caught up.

Sunday's---------------Yeah, that'll show 'em!

A patient had been diagnosed with a strange disease, not frequently seen in the United States.

He complained to his doctor, "I've been to two other doctors and neither one agree with your diagnosis."

"One said it was tuberculosis, and one said that it was possibly a tumor, but he'd have to run some tests to prove if it was malignant or not."

The doctor calmly replied, "well, then, we'll just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

__________________________________________________

In 1960, at the Rome Olympics, American boxer Cassius Clay (Muhammed Ali) defeated Zbigniew Pietrzykowski of Poland to win the light-heavyweight gold medal.

__________________________________________________

Sunday---------Comedian-Actor Bob Newhart was 81, Actress-Singer Carol Lawrence was 78, Actor William Devane was 71, Singer Al Stewart was 65, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite was 60 and Actress Raquel Welch turned 70.

_________________________________________________

Monday's------------------and on and on and on

A contract law professor asked one of his better students, "If you, as an attorney, were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange for you."

"No, no, you dolt!"  the outraged professor said, "you're a lawyer --- think and act like one!"

"Yes, sir!  All right.  I would tell that person, whomever it might be, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claims, title, claim and advantages of and in, said edible fruit, commonly known as an orange, together with all its rind, pith, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise consume the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, pith and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whosoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...........

_____________________________________

In 1860, social activist Jane Addams, who became the first American woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize, was born in Cedarville, Illinois.

In 1901, President William McKinley was shot and mortally wounded by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY.  (McKinley died eight days later; he was succeeded by Vice President Theodore Roosevelt.  Czolgosz was executed in October 1901.)

___________________________________

Monday------------Comedian Joanne Worley was 73 and Comedian-Actress Jane Curtain was 63.

__________________________________

Today's--------------------Remember I don't write them.

Some years ago, the manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood received the following testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm in Tennessee.

"Afore takin' yer tonic," the woman wrote, ""I wuz too tired to hoe the fields and pick the cotton.  But after only two bottles of yer delicious mixture, I'm now known as the best cotton-pickin' hoer in all the county."

_________________________________

In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.

In 1968, feminists protested outside the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, N.J. (The pageant crown went to Miss Illinois, Judith Ford.)

In 1979, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its cable TV debut.

___________________________________

Today-----------------Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) is 86, Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 80 and Singer Gloria Gaynor is 61.

__________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 08, 2010, 01:18:53 pm
Today's----------yeah, who'd thunk it?

A man and his wife are dining at a very popular and plush restaurant.  The husband keeps staring through the open arches into the cocktail area at a woman sitting at the bar, tossing back drink after drink.

"Do you know that woman?" the wife inquires.

"Yes," sighs the husband.  "She's my ex-girlfriend.  It's my understanding that she took to drinking right after we split up five years ago...........I've heard she hasn't been sober since."

"Good Lord," exclaims the wife, "who would have thought a person could celebrate that long?"

_______________________________________________

In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.

In 1920, New York-to-San Francisco air mail service was inaugurated.

In 1930, Scotch cellophane tape made its debut as a sample was shipped to a Chicago firm that specialized in wrapping.

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard M. Nixon.

_______________________________________________

Today------------------Ventriloquist Willie Tyler is 70, Actor Alan Feinstein is 69, Cajun singer Zachary Richard is 60 and Comedian Sid Caesar is 88.

_______________________________________________


Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 09, 2010, 08:05:40 pm
Today's----------sorry to be late, it's been a busy day.

After numerous years in college and medical school, and following a long and tedious residency, young Dr. Klondyke embarked on a career in psychiatry.

Unfortunately, he died.  When he reached heaven, St. Peter greeted him at the pearly gates.  Dr. Klondyke was not happy about having been taken so young, and he complained quite loudly about his fate.

St. Peter explained, "We have a serious problem up here, and we need your help right now."

Dr. Klondyke replied, "But why me?  Why not some psychiatrist who is older, more experienced and ready to go?"

St. Peter, in a low voice said, "We needed someone familiar with the judicial trend on earth at this time."

"I still don't understand."

St. Peter responded, "It's God.  He thinks he's a federal judge."

_______________________________________________

In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."

In 1830, Charles Durant flew a balloon from New York City across the Hudson River to Perth Amboy, N.J

In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.

In 1926, the National Broadcasting Co. (NBC) was incorporated by the Radio Corp. of America.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed into law the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since the Reconstruction.

In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-security Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives.

__________________________________________________

Today----------Actor Cliff Robertson is 87, Actor Topol is 75, Singer Inez Foxx is 68, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 65, Country Singer Freddy Weller is 63 and College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 61.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 10, 2010, 07:32:23 pm
Today's--------------dagnab it, late again. 

Granny, 89, still drives her own car.  She writes:

Dear ones, the other day I went up to our local Christian Book Store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; you can't imagine what an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about how good life is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

I found that lots of people love Jesus!  Everyone started honking!

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  I saw another guy waving with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my grandson what that meant.

He said it was probably a good luck sign or something.  Well, I didn't want to appear selfish, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  They wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.  So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Take care----Love Granny

________________________________________________

In 108, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.

In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who'd served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.

In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools  following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.

_________________________________________________

Today----------------Golfer Arnold Palmer is 81, Singer Jose Feliciano is 65, Former Canadian First Lady Margaret Trudeau is 62 and Political Commentator Bill O'Reilly is 61.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 11, 2010, 09:28:51 am
Today's---------------I am NOT going to use my spell checker on this one.  (trick is to read slowly)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

____________________________________

In 1970, Ford Motor Co. introduced the Pinto, a compact that would become caught up in controversy over the safety of its gas tank.  (The Pinto was discontinued in 1980.)

In 1985, Pete Rose of the Cincinnati Reds cracked career hit number 4,192 off Eric Show of the San Diego Padres, eclipsing the record held by Ty Cobb.

In 2001, nearly 3,000 people were killed on America's worst day of terrorism.  Hijackers seized four jetliners, two of which smashed into the World Trade Center, causing the twin towers to fall; one jetliner plowed into the Pentagon; and the fourth was crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

____________________________________________________

Today------------Actress Betsy Drake is 87, Sen. Daniel Akaka, D-Hawaii, is 86, Movie Director Brian De Palma is 70 and Actress Amy Madigan is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 11, 2010, 10:25:44 am
I liked your spell checker joke. I sometimes don't think people realize, from an old teachers point of view, how tiring it is on the eyes to read that kind of thing over and over when one has 30 or so papers to check. We finally had to put "no text or computer language" out for the fire prevention contest essays because spelling does count in judging. U R sew write! EEEEK!
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 12, 2010, 10:13:01 am
Today's-----------------------it's Sunday

The preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the podium and bow your head in prayer.  What are you praying about?"

The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to inspire me so I can give a good sermon."

The little boy thought for a minute, the said, "Why doesn't he?"

_____________________________________________

In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly on a U.S. spaceship.

_____________________________________________

Today------------------------Actor Dickie Moore (Our Gang) is 85, Actor Freddie Jones is 83, Country Singer George Jones is 79, Actress Linda Gray is 70 and Singer Maria Muldaur is 67.

_____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 13, 2010, 10:53:37 am
Today's-----------------another whoopsie

Kristina had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town.

One day at the grocery store, she used the last of her personalized checks bearing her old address.

The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.

Kristina assured her that it was, and as the cashier started to put the check in the cash drawer she inquired once again if everything was correct on the check.

"Why do you ask?" Kristina responded.

"Because,"  the clerk replied, "my husband and I moved into a charming apartment yesterday at the address indicated on your check, and I just don't remember seeing you at breakfast this morning."

______________________________________________________

In 1788, the Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election, and declared New York City the temporary national capital.

In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany.  (They married in 1967, but divorced in 1973.)

In 1971, a four-day inmates rebellion at the Attica Correctional Facility in western New York ended as police and guards stormed the prison; the ordeal and final assault claimed 43 lives.

_______________________________________________________

Today------Actress Barbara Bain is 79, Actress Eileen Fulton ("As the World Turns") is 77, TV Producer Fred Silverman is 73, Actor Richard Kiel is 71 and Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 66.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 14, 2010, 12:33:16 pm
Today's----------smart man
 
There once was a couple who named their son Odd.  All of the other children used to tease him about his name, but he stuck out his chest and refused to acknowledge the teasing.  All through his life people continued to make fun of his name, even after he became quite successful.

Finally, as an old man, he wrote out his last wishes.

"I have been the butt of jokes all my life,"he wrote, "so I'll not have people making fun of me after I'm gone."  He instructed that his tombstone be left absolutely blank.

Eventually, he did pass on, but even after he was gone, visitors to the cemetery couldn't help but notice the large, blank headstone and invariably comment, "That's odd."

_____________________________________________________

In 1814, Francis Scott Key wrote a poem after witnessing how Fort McHenry in Maryland had endured a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; that poem, "Defiance of Fort McHenry," later became the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner," the American national anthem.   

In 1901, President William McKinley died in Buffalo, NY, of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin.  Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.


In 1948, a groundbreaking ceremony took place in New York at the site of the United Nations' world headquarters.

______________________________________________________

Today-------------------Actress Zoe Caldwell is 77, Feminist author Kate Millet is 76, Singer-Actress Joey Heatherton is 66, Actor San Neil is 63 and Actor Walter Koenig is 75.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 15, 2010, 12:31:52 pm
Today's-----------yeah, I always just say no to my wife when she wants to sing happy birthday to someone.

Joe's wife likes to sing.  She decided to join the church choir.  From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.  Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.  His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe?  Don't you like my singing?"  Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

_________________________________________

In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.  (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually convicted for their roles in the blast.)

_________________________________________

Today---------Actor Forest Compton is 85, Comedian Norm Crosby is 83, Actor Henry Darrow is 77, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 72, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 64, Movie Director Oliver Stone is 64 and Actor-Director Jackie Cooper is 88.

________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on September 15, 2010, 01:06:02 pm
I'd lost that bombing in the passage of time. Someone on here sometime back said the the KKK only killed people who needed to be killed. I wonder how they justified the deaths of those little girls in a church.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 16, 2010, 10:52:27 am
Today's-------------------GROANER

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses.  Each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

"What does the pin signify?" he asked one of them.

"Oh! Nothing, really," she said with a chuckle.  "We just use it to keep the doctors away."

____________________________________________

In 1940. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act, which set up the first peacetime military draft in U.S. history.

____________________________________________

Today----------Actress Janet Paige is 88, Actress Lauren Becall is 86, Blues Singer B.B. King is 85, Actor Peter Falk is 83, Actress Anne Francis is 80, Actor George Chakiris is 78, Actress Linda Miller is 68 and Actor Ed Begly, Jr. is 61.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 17, 2010, 10:51:57 am
Today's------------Hee hee

Ralph hadn't been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges for a blind date for him.  Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea.

His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren't going well.  So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner.

After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn't handle another minute with her.  Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it.

When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news.  My grandfather just died."  The blind date replies, "Thank heavens, if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1862, in the bloodiest battle day in U.S. history, Union forces fought Confederate invaders in the Civil War Battle of Antietam in Maryland; more than 3,600 men were killed.

In 1920, the American Professional Football Association -- a precursor of the National Football League -- was formed in Canton, Ohio.

In 1959, groundbreaking took place for Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles.

___________________________________________________

Today-----------Pro Football Hall-of-Famer George Blanda is 83, Actor David Huddleston is 80 and Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is 65.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 18, 2010, 10:37:36 am
Today's----------------------see if you can follow this one!

Wow!  This is so creepy!  At the end, you'll wonder how can it be?  First, let's begin slowly.  Please take a deep breath, hold it, and exhale slowly.  Good, you're doing fine.  Now, think of a letter between C and Q.  Say that letter you have chosen out loud.  Now, think of an animal's name that begins with that letter.  Super.

Now, repeat that animal's name out loud.

This is great, isn't it?  Of course it is.  Now then, think of a person's name that begins with the LAST letter in the animal's name but is no longer that 10 letters.  Good.  Now, count out loud the letters in that name using a finger for each letter.  I know it's a little confusing, but please do it anyway.  Thanks.

Now, hold out your hand (or hands) in front of you with the palms open and held at face level.

Look at your palm (or palms).  Now clap your hands together ONE time.  Now look at your right hand.  Do the lines in the palm of your hand form the first letter of the person's name?

Of course they don't-------------------------------gotcha.

_______________________________________________

In 1793, President George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.

In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to theirs owners.

In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was  captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

____________________________________________________

Today----------------Singer Jimmy Rodgers is 77, Actor Robert Blake is 77, Actor Fred Willard is 71, Singer Frankie Avalon is 70 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 60.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 19, 2010, 11:12:16 am
Today's-------------------------it's Sunday

Two elderly high-spirited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery sermon by the preacher.

When this reverend condemned the sin of stealing, the two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, the two ladies yelled again, "YES, OH YEAH, PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher-man condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "LORDY, LORDY, THAT'S RIGHT, BROTHER!  TELL IT LIKE IT IS!  AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two were absolutely silent.  One lady turned to the other and harrumphed, "Well now!  He's quit preachin' and turned to meddlin'!"

________________________________________________________

In 1777, during the Revolutionary War, American soldiers won the first Battle of Saratoga.

In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.

In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier" in the Nevada desert.

_______________________________________________________

Today------------Actress Rosemary Harris is 83, Baseball Hall-of-famer Edwin "Duke" Snider is 84, Actor Adam West is 80, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 70, Singer Bill Medley is 70, Actor Jeremy Irons is 62, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 61, TV personality Joan Lunden is 60 and TV host James Lipton is 84.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 20, 2010, 05:23:36 pm
Today's--------------------I think this has been on the forum before

Today we should mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.  Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic shenanigans.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as fairness and truth.  Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (Parents, not children are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-meaning, but overbearing regulations were set in place.  Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate on the cheek, teens suspended from school for using mouth-wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense's health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than the victims.

Common Sense could not go on when the leaders passed an important 2,000-page health care bill without knowing what was in it.  The Speaker of the House informed the public that the contents of the Bill would be known after the bill was passed.  And in another instance those very same leaders gave a standing ovation to a foreign president after he objected to one of the united states enforcing a federal law.

And with his final breath, Common Sense asked why half the citizens of the United States do not pay ANY income taxes while the other half pays it all.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason.  His is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Sadly not many people attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

___________________________________________________

In 1884, the National Equal Rights Party was formed during a convention of suffragists in San Francisco; the convention nominated Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood for president.

IN 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest.  (Curry was late found mentally incompetent.

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Singer Gogi Grant is 86, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 81 and Actress Sophia Loren is 76.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 21, 2010, 09:40:23 pm
Today's-------------------------sorry to be late

During military basic training, the lieutenant took a batch of new recruits on a march and during a break, asked each of them where their home was.  After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all WRONG!  This is your home, don't forget it!"

Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to add.

"You bet I do," the sergeant replied.

Turning to the troops he said, "While you clowns were out traipsing around today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, unshined shoes and footlockers in a mess.

"Where," he demanded, "do you think you are -------------HOME?"

______________________________________________________

In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien, was first published.

In 1987, NFL players called a strike, mainly over the issue of free agency.  (The 24-day walkout prompted football owners to hire replacement players.)

______________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor Karl Slover ("The Wizard of Oz") is 92, Actor Larry Hagman is 79, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 76, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 63, Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 60 and Author Stephen King is 63.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 22, 2010, 11:22:56 am
Today's-----------------whoopsie

During a visit to the doctor, Betty Lou noticed that, after she got off the scales, the doctor was shaking his head, albeit slightly.  Betty Lou said, "Doctor, may I ask you a question?"

"Well, yes, of course," the doctor said.

"Do you think I've put on weight since my last physical?"

"Well, uh," he said, "no, no you haven't."

"Thank you," Betty Lou said, "That makes me feel a little better."

"You're most certainly welcome," he said as he reached for a tongue depressor, "Now then," he said smiling, "Open your mouth and moo."

_____________________________________________

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.

In 1989, songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

_______________________________________________

Today------------NBA Commissioner David Stern is 68, Actor Paul Le Mat is 64 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda is 83.

_______________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 23, 2010, 11:40:25 am
Today's---------Wait! What? Who?

The married businessman executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.  After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this, his newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend:  "Take the next plane for a fun week on me.  Bring my wife and your girlfriend/secret lover."

His friend was quick to wire back:  "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 A.M.  How long have you known about us?"

_________________________________________

In 1780, British spy John Andre was captured along with papers revealing Benedict Arnold's plot to surrender West Point to the British.

In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.

In 1957, nine black students who had entered Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas were forced to withdraw because of a white mob outside.

________________________________________

Today------------Actor Mickey Rooney is 90, Actress Margaret Pellegrini ("The Wizard of Oz") is 87, Singer Julio Iglesias is 67, Actor Paul Peterson (The Donna Reed Show) is 65, Actress-Singer Mary Kay Place is 63 and "The Boss" Bruce Springsteen is 61.

_________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 24, 2010, 12:52:38 pm
Today's-------------------yeah, that makes sense.

A zoning board had just been set up in a new community.  A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.

"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard and a sketch of the shed.

"That looks fine," the director said.  He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permit."

Three weeks later, a neighbor who lived next door to the first fellow also wanted permission for a shed in her back yard.  She went to the director's office  and got as far as a secretary, and made her request.

"Thank you," said the secretary, taking the documents.  "Telephone me in two or three weeks and I'll let you know what additional steps are necessary."

"But," groaned the neighbor, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away."

"Well, that might be true," said the secretary, "but that was before we got organized."

__________________________________________________________

In 1789, Congress passed a Judiciary Act which provided for an Attorney General and a Supreme Court.

In 1969, the trial of the Chicago Eight (later seven) began.  (Five were later convicted of crossing state lines to incite riots at the 168 Democratic convention, but the convictions were ultimately overturned.)

In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco.  Hearst was released after 22 months after receiving clemency from President Jimmy Carter.

In 1998, the government began releasing the new, harder-to-counterfeit $20 bill.

______________________________________________________________

Today-----------Actor-Singer Herb Jeffries is 99, Actress Sheila MacRae is 86, Rhythm -and Blues Singer Sonny Turner (The Platters) is 71, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer John Mackey is 69, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 68, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 64 and TV News Anchor Lou Dobbs is 65.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 25, 2010, 08:51:31 am
Today's------------------------Oh NOOOOOOO!

The worried young housewife and mother hobbled to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, sweetheart?  .....What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into uncontrollable tears and sobs, "I'm having such a miserable day.  The baby won't eat and I fell down and sprained my ankle.  I can't get the washing machine to work.  I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and on top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have three couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once full of sympathy and compassion.

"Oh, darling,"  she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes for a moment.  Give me a list of what you need at the store and I'll do the shopping and come right over.  I'll feed the baby, clean up the house, and fix dinner for you.  And, sweetheart, don't worry about the washer, I know a repairman who owes me a favor and will come right over and fix it.

"Now stop crying, I'll take care of everything.  In fact, I'll call Marty at the office and ask him if he can come home early and help out."

"Marty?!" said the young mother, "Who is Marty?"

"Why Marty, your husband.  Isn't this 555-2337?"

"No, this is 555-2336."

"On dear, I'm sorry.  I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause before the housewife sobbed, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

__________________________________________________

In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, AR., because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.

_________________________________________________

Today------Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 67, Actor Robert Walden is 67, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 66, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 63, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 61, Actor-director Anson Williams is 61 and Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 81.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 26, 2010, 09:56:31 am
Today's--------------------------I need friends like this guy.

An American businesswoman concluded a deal which earned an Arabian Sheik $20 million.  As she was preparing to leave, the sheik offered her diamonds and rubies and a silver-plated Rolls Royce in gratitude, but she declined.  The sheik insisted on giving her some reward, so she said that she had just started playing golf, and a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later, she received an e-mail from the sheik stating, "I have purchased for you three golf clubs.  I hope you won't be too disappointed, but only two of them have Olympic-sized swimming pools.  I also took the liberty of hiring a staff to handle all the operations.

Enjoy."

_________________________________________________________________

In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States secretary of state; John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.

In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.

_______________________________________________________________

Today-----Retired Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 85, South African nationalist Winnie Mandela is 74, Country Singer David Frizzell is 69, Actor  Kent McCord is 68, Singer Lynn Anderson is 63, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 62, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 62 and Fitness expert Jack LaLanne is 96.

_______________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: W. Gray on September 26, 2010, 11:30:31 am
In reference to pitcher Bobby Shantz being 85 years old: He and his brother Wilmer were a rarity in major league baseball.

They formed a battery for the Kansas City Athletics, that is, Bobby was the pitcher and Wilmer was the catcher.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 27, 2010, 01:20:39 pm
Today's----------------------ooooooooooooh!

Three friends ----- a lawyer, a doctor and a minister ----- went hunting.  The three spotted and shot a big buck simultaneously.  Upon reaching the big-racked buck, they discovered that it appeared to have but one bullet hole.

Obviously, a debate ensued.  After all, what are the odds  that three individuals, not only fire at the same time, but each of their bullets take the same, exact trajectory?  Whose buck was it?  Each wanted to claim it as his own.  No give or take.

An hour into the discussion, a game warden happened to come by and asked if there was a problem.  Advised of the situation, and checking each hunter's identification and ensuring that each had a valid hunting license, the game warden examined the deer and said, "Well, my friends, I can tell you exactly whose buck it is ---- this prize buck is the minister's.  Why?  Simple.  Like many of his sermons, the bullet went in one ear and out the other."

____________________________________________________

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ., prior to Miller's entry into the Army.

In 1964, the government publicly released the report of the Warren Commission, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald had acted alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy.

In 1994, more than 350 Republican congressional candidates gathered on the steps of the Capitol to sign the "Contract with America," a 10-point platform they pledged to enact if voters sent a GOP majority to the House.

_____________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Jayne Meadows is 90, Actress Sada Thompson is 81, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 77, Actor Wilford Brimley is 76, Singer-musician Randy Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 67, Rock Singer Meat Loaf is 63, Actress Liz Torres is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 61 and Producer of "Soul Train" Don Cornelius is 74.

___________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 28, 2010, 11:41:07 am
Today's-------------------frustrating

My neighbor just obtained new health insurance and wanted to make an appointment with an orthopedic doctor after injuring his shoulder.

He was told the wait would be at least three weeks.  Two weeks into the wait the agony was unbearable with searing pain shooting down his arms, across his back and chest.  He called once again to beg for an appointment.

The hospital administrator was sympathetic to be sure, but emphasized that there just weren't any cancellations.  She suggested going to the emergency room and getting some pain pills.......my neighbor interrupted and asked, "Let me ask you a question.  If the president called and said he hurt his shoulder, would you be able to see him today?"

"Yes," she laughed, "that's a silly question."

"Excuse me," my neighbor said, "will you please hold the line for just a moment?" and he hit the mute button.

Seconds later, he came back on the line and said, "I just spoke with the president.  He said HIS shoulder is feeling much, much better and that I can have HIS appointment."
____________________________________________________

In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in what became known as the "Black Sox" scandal.  (Despite initial confessions by several of the players, all were acquitted at trial; still, all eight were banned from baseball for life.)

__________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor William Windom is 87, Actress Brigitte Bardot is 76, Singer Ben E. King is 72, Actor Joel Higgins is 67, Singer Helen Shapiro is 64 and Movie -writer-director-actor John Sayles is 60.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 29, 2010, 11:19:53 am
Today's------------Oh my! Oh no!

Jason was a little boy who lived on a farm which utilized an outhouse.

Jason didn't much care for the accommodation, because of the less-than-desirable odor.  The outhouse was located on the edge of the creek, and Jason vowed that one day he would push the objectionable structure into the creek.

The very next week, after a late summer rain, Jason decided it was time to give the outhouse a bath.  He pushed and grunted and pushed harder until the "house" slid into the creek.  Jason turned and ran as fast as he could away from the scene.

That evening, his father told Jason that they were going to the woodshed.  Knowing that this meant a spanking, he asked why. His dad replied, "well, today, someone pushed the outhouse into the creek, and that someone was you, was it not?"

Jason admitted that he did it but said, "Dad, I read in school that when George Washington was a little boy, he chopped down a cherry tree but didn't get in trouble because he told the truth."

"Yes, son, I am familiar with that story.  But the difference is that George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the tree!"

____________________________________________________

In 1960, the situation comedy "My Three Sons," starring Fred McMurray, premiered on ABC.

In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. (To this date the case remains unsolved.)

_____________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Elizabeth Scott is 88, Actor Steve Forrest is 86, Actress Anita Ekberg is 79, Actor Eddie Barth is 79, Actor Ian McShane is 68, Jazz musician Jean-Luc Ponty is 68, Actress Patricia Hodge is 64, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 62, Country Singer Alvin Crow is 60 and Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 75.

___________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on September 30, 2010, 02:59:59 pm
Today's--------------yeah, that's what I learned in medic school in the Army.

"Why are you late?" asked Connie's boss in the advertising department.

"Oh, it was awful," Connie began to explain.  "I was walking along University Avenue and there was a terrible accident.  A guy was thrown from his motorcycle and he was laying in the middle of the street.

"He had a compound fracture in his left upper leg, a fractured skull and deep facial lacerations across his forehead and down the right side of his face extending to his neck.

"His left forearm was broken and several of his teeth had been knocked out," Connie said authoritatively, "with head and facial wounds there was a lot of blood everywhere..............thank God I took that first-aid class."

"Wow," her boss said, obviously impressed by her medical expertise.  "What did you do?"

"I sat right down on the  curb and put my  head between my knees to keep from fainting."

_________________________________________________________

In 1809, a treaty was signed by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison and representatives of four Indian tribes sold some 3 million acres of land to be used for U.S. settlements.

In 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether for the first time as an anesthetic as he extracted a ulcerated tooth from merchant Eben Frost.

In 1955, Actor James Dean,24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame, CA.

In 1960, "The Flintstones," network television's first animated prime-time series debuted on ABC.

_______________________________________________________________

Today------------------Author Elle Weisel is 82, Singer Cissy Houston is 77, Singer Johnny Mathis is 75, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 67, Actress Victoria Tennant is 60 and Actress Angie Dickinson is 79.

_______________________________________________________________

Heard today------------Actor Tony Curtis passed away at age 85.

______________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 01, 2010, 12:32:45 pm
Today's--------------Geez, lady!

In the bustling admissions area of the hospital some patrons were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman hesitatingly entered a hospital employee's cubicle and sat down.  She had completed her admitting forms and, upon request, handed the employee her insurance cards.  The employee typed in the necessary information and then asked the woman her reason for coming to the hospital.

"Well, I just came to see a friend," the woman said quietly, "but all this has taken so long, I'm not sure I have the time now."

________________________________________________________

In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring magnitude 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.

________________________________________________________

Today--------------Former President Jimmy Carter is 86, Actor Tom Bosley is 83, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 75, Actress Stella Stephens is 72, Baseball Hall-of-famer Rod Carew is 65, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 64 and Actor Randy Quaid is 60.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 02, 2010, 12:44:54 pm
Today's------------------------she paid attention

Ever since Mylla was old enough to understand, her mother, aunt and grandmother, Carol, have stressed the importance of utilizing the paper sanitary shields on the toilet seat before sitting down in an unfamiliar or public facility.

Shortly after the family moved to a new home, Mylla and her grandmother were in the kitchen fixing lunch when Mylla announced that she had to go to the bathroom.

Carol heard the latch on the bathroom click and went on about her chores.  A little while later, Mylla had yet to return so she called out, "Mylla, are you OK?"

Mylla said yes and went back to her business.

Sometime later, still no Mylla.  Carol went to the bathroom door and called out, "Mylla, are you all right?"

"Yes, grandma, I'm fine."

So, back to the kitchen.  Then after a little while longer, still no Mylla.  By this time, Carol needed some visual assurance, so she instructed Mylla to unlock the door so she could see what she was doing.

Mylla, of course, complied and Carol opened the door and looked inside.  There on the floor were several empty toilet tissue rolls, and there was Mylla with a new roll of toilet paper in hand, tearing one sheet off at a time and placing each individual piece at least four or five pieces deep neatly around the toilet seat.

Mylla was making her own protection.

_____________________________________________________

In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.

In 1919, President Wilson suffered a serious stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts" created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court as the court opened its new term.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverly Hills at age 59 after battling AIDS.

In 1990, the Senate voted 90-9 to confirm the nomination of Judge David H. Souter to the Supreme Court.

___________________________________________________________

Today-----------Country singer-musician Leon Rausch (Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys) is 83, Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 78, Movie critic Rex Reed is 72, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 65  and Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 62.

____________________________________________________________

Also heard-----------Author Writer Producer Stephen J. Cannell died at his Pasadena home at age 69 of complications from skin cancer.  He wrote "The Rockford Files" and "The A-Team" for TV as well as other things.

____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 03, 2010, 09:53:13 am
Today's--------------------a humorous look at a "hot potato" issue

I am quite aware of the opposition to the mosque and those who support its being built in close proximity to the insidious terrorist attack on Sept. 11, 2001.

If the construction proceeds I strongly suggest that Muslims show their toleration by allowing a topless bar called, "You Mecca Me Hot" right across the street.  Next to that, obviously to be fair and non-discriminatory, should be a gay establishment called, "The Turban Cowboy."

And next door to the "community center" mosque should be a pork rib restaurant called, "I Rack 'o' Ribs."

Problem solved.

_____________________________________________________________

In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trail found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman. (However, Simpson was later found liable in a civil trial.)

In 2008, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two sports memorabilia dealers at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room.  (Simpson was later sentenced to nine to 33 years in prison.)

_______________________________________________________________

Today---------------Basketball player Marques Haynes is 84, Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 69, Actor Alan Rachins is 68, Magician Roy Horn is 66, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 61 and Author Gore Vidal is 85.

____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 04, 2010, 05:31:11 pm
Today's-------------yeah, so there.

Following a series of stories on religion,, a church member wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. 

"I've gone to church for 30 years now," he wrote, " and in that time I have heard something on the order of 30,000 sermons.  But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them.  So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" section, much to the delight of the editor.  The pros and cons dialogue went on for weeks until someone wrote the following clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years.  In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.  But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals.  But I do know this:  they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.  If my wife had not given me those meals, I likely would be dead today."

No more letters on the subject were received.

_________________________________________________________

In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, PA., resulting in heavy American casualties.

In 1931, the comic strip "Dick Tracy" created by Chester Gould, made its debut.

In 1970, rock singer Janis Joplin, 27, was found dead in her Hollywood hotel room.

______________________________________________________________

Today----------Country Singer Leroy Van Dyke is 81, Actor Eddie Applegate is 75, Actress Felicia Farr is 75, Author Jackie Collins is 73, Author Roy Blount, Jr. is 69, Author Ann Rice is 69, Baseball Manager Tony La Russa is 66, Actor Clifton Davis is 65 . Actress Susan Sarandon is 64 and Actor Armand Assante is 61.

____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 05, 2010, 02:11:51 pm
Today's-----------------you are going to love this one

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged and the other is single.  I have been married twenty years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and mask over our eyes.  We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Following are the results:

My engaged friend:  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you."  Then we made passionate love all night long.

My single friend:  Me too!  The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and a mask.  When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had a wild session all night.

Then I had to share my story:  When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and mask.  When he came through the door and saw me he said.....................

Wait for it


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

_________________________________________________________

In 1892, the Dalton Gang, notorious for its train robberies, was practically wiped out while attempting to rob a pair of banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.

In 1921, the World Series was covered live on radio for the first time as Newark, NJ. station WJZ relayed reports from the Polo Grounds, where the New York Giants were facing the New York Yankees. (Although the Yankees won the opener, 3-0, the Giants won the series,.

In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the United States, succeeding Fred M. Vinson.

In 1962, the Beatles' first his recording, "Love Me Do", was originally released in the United Kingdom.

_____________________________________________________________

Today--------------"Family Circus" cartoonist Bill Keane is 88, Actress Glynis Johns is 87, Comedian Bill Dana is 86, Singe-musician Steve Miller is 67, Actor Jeff Conaway is 60 and Rock Singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 63.

____________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 06, 2010, 12:22:55 pm
Today's---------------------------I saw bears in Yellowstone while camping there.

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite.  The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel.  The husband said he'd like to camp.  To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here?  Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy ---- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear.  If it doesn't climb after you, but SHAKES the tree until you fall out, that's a grizzly."

The husband reported that the motel room was quite nice.
_____________________________________________________

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.

IN 1927, the era of "talkies" arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer" starring Al Jolson.

In 1960, the historical drama "Spartacus," starring Kirk Douglas and directed by Stanley Kubrick had its world premiere in New York.

In 1989, Bette Davis died in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, at age 81.

____________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Britt Ekland is 68, Singer Millie Small is 64 and Singer-musician Thomas McClary is 61.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 07, 2010, 11:58:03 am
Today's-----------------------hmmm

A mother and baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"  The mother replies, "Well, my darling, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"Cool!," said the son.  A few minutes later, the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" 

"Well, they are there to keep the sand out of your eyes when the wind blows on the trips across the desert."

"Gosh, thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son again returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

The mother, now a little impatient with her inquisitive son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"Geez, what you've told me is just great, Mom.  So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking........and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes......and these humps to store water.........so, Mom........"

"Yes, what is it now>"

"Why in the heck are we here in the San Diego Zoo?"

__________________________________________

IN 1777, the second Battle of Saratoga began during the American Revolution.  (British forces under Gen. John Burgoyne surrendered ten days later.)

In 1858, the fifth debate between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place in Galesburg.

In 1940, Artie Shaw and his Orchestra recorded Hoagy Carmichael's "Stardust" for RCA Victor.

In 1960, Democratic candidate John F. Kennedy and Republican opponent Richard M. Nixon held their second televised debate, in Washington, D.C.
and
The TV series "Route 66" premiered on CBS.

______________________________________________

Today---Comedian Joy Behar ("The View") is 68, Former National Security Council aide Oliver North is 67, Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 63 and retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 79.

____________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 08, 2010, 09:43:06 am
Today's-------------guess where this guy is not sleeping tonight

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the recent hot spell.  He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.

"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!  Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town so you go inside and figure dinner out yourself!"

So he shrugged his shoulders and went back in the house.  He fixed himself a nice salad, a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and vegetables and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat?  So where is mine?"

"Oh, you're here?  I thought you were out of town."

________________________________________________

In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo, WI., and in several communities in Michigan.

In 1918, American Sgt. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.

In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5, 2-0.

In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.

__________________________________________________

Today-------------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 74, Actor Paul Hogan is 71, Civil Rights Activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 69, Comedian Chevy Chase is 67, Country Singer Susan Raye is 66, TV personality Sarah Purcell is 62 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 61.

_________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 09, 2010, 12:26:57 pm
Today's------------------win some, lose some

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be president some day.

Her parents who happen to be loyal, liberal progressives, smiled broadly as they put their arms around each other.

"If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"  She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow--------what a worthy goal!"  I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that.  You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep the driveway and sidewalk, and I'll pay you $50.  Then I'll take you over to the liquor store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and housing."

She thought that over for a few seconds, the she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

In said, "Whoa, now you're thinking like a conservative."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

_____________________________________________________

In 1701, the Collegiate School of Connecticut ---- later Yale -----  was chartered.

In 776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.

In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, N.Y., to Glendale, CA.

In 1940, rock 'n' roll legend John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England.  (His son, Sean, was born on this day, 1975.)

_______________________________________________________

Today--------------------Rhythm and Blues singer Nona Hendryx is 66 and Singer Jackson Browne is 62.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 10, 2010, 09:57:28 am
Today's--------------------------it's a beautiful Sunday---

Two pastor's wives were visiting while sewing their husbands' pants.  One wife sighed and said, "My husband is just beside himself -- he doesn't know what to do anymore.  And he is so tired and depressed.  He said he is ready to just give up and resign from the ministry."

The other pastor's wife said, "I'm so sorry to hear that.  It seems so odd, but my husband has never been happier.  Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden.  We have such a large and loving congregation.  Life just couldn't be any better than it is right now."

By the way, the first woman was mending the seat of her husband's pants;  the other woman was mending the knees.

________________________________________________________

In 1980, Former child actor Billie Thomas who played "Buckwheat" in the "Our Gang" film shorts, died in Los Angeles at age 49.

In 1985, Actor Yul Brynner died in New York at age 65.
_______________________________________________________

Today--------------Actor Peter Coyote is 69, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 64, Actor Charles Dance is 64, Actress Jessica Harper is 61 and Author Nora Roberts (aka-"J.D. Robb") is 60

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 11, 2010, 11:00:54 am
Today's--------------ya gotta watch those guys from Chicago

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C.  A well-known government financial official was in charge of the affair.

The first contractor, from Florida, took out a tape measure, measured this and that, then pulled out a tablet and began totalling the costs.

"Well," he said, "I figure the job will cost $150,000;  $50,000 for materials, $50,000 for my crew and $50,000 profit for me."

A contractor from Alabama also does the measuring and figuring, then announced, "I can do this job for $100,000:  $50,000 for materials, $25,000 for my crew and $25,000 profit for me."

The contractor from Chicago leans over to the White House official and whispers, "Eight hundred thousand dollars."

The politician somewhat incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure anything.  How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$350,000 for you, $350,000 for me and we hire the guy from Alabama to fix the fence."

"My friend, you have a deal!"  the politician replied.

__________________________________________

In 1809, just over three years after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition ended, Meriwether Lewis was found dead in a Tennessee inn; an apparent suicide; he was 35.

In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis, MO.  (The pilot of the Wright Flyer that Roosevelt flew aboard, Arch Hoxsey, was killed in a crash more than a month and a half later.)

In 1975, "NBC Saturday Night" (later "Saturday Night Live") made its debut with guest host George Carlin.

In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.

____________________________________________________________

Today----------------Actor Earle Hyman is 84, Actor Ron Leibman is 73, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 68 and Country Singer Gene Watson is 67.

__________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 12, 2010, 11:16:37 am
Today's-------------------be careful what you ask for.

"Hey!  What in the heck is this mess?" roared the angry customer seated at the coffee shop counter as he pointed to his thoroughly squashed doughnut.

"Excuse me, sir," the waitress said politely, "but that's exactly what you ordered."

"What are you talking about?" hissed the customer.

"You told me implicitly to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it!"

_____________________________________________________

In 1492, (according to the Old Style Calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang who killed the sheriff.

_____________________________________________________


Today----------Actress Antonia Rey is 83, Comedian-Activist Dick Gregory is 78, Singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 75, Broadcast Journalist Chris Wallace is 63 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 60.

_____________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 13, 2010, 11:16:17 am
Today's---------------------Okaaaaaay

A magician called a man from the audience up on the stage and handed him a large wooden mallet.  He looked at the man squarely in the eyes and instructed the guy to hit him on the head just as hard as he could.

The magician bent over and put his head on a table and told the man, "OK, DO IT!"

The man looked at the audience, shrugged his shoulders, then took a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician awakens from a coma in the hospital, sits up and says, "Ta-dah!"

______________________________________________________________

In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.

In 1962, Edward Albee's play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" opened on Broadway.

____________________________________________________________

Today------------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 85, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 69, Country singer Lacy J. Dalton is 64 and Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 63.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 14, 2010, 02:01:28 pm
Today's---------------------------logical

At a cocktail party one evening, an English professor was asked whether he preferred beer or wine.

His response was, "Oh, wine, wine by all means.  In all honesty, I must say that, to me, it's the nectar of the gods.

"Just gazing at it shimmering in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.

"When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is gently poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted to soar on the wings of ecstasy.

"It seems as though I am about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.  The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world..


"Beer, however, makes me pass gas."

______________________________________________________

In 1912, Theodore Roosevelt campaigning for the presidency, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee.  Despite the wound, he went ahead with a scheduled speech.

In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1)  rocket plane over Muroc Dry Lake in California.

In 1987,  a 58-hour drama began in Midland, Texas, as 18-month-old Jessica McClure slid 22 feet down an abandoned well at a private day care center; she was rescued on Oct. 16.

IN 1990, composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

__________________________________________________________________

Today---------------Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 94, Actor Roger Moore is 83, Former White House counsel John W. Dean III is 72, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 72, Fashion Designer Ralph Lauren is 71 and Singer-musician Justin Hayward (The Moody Blues) is 64.

__________________________________________________________________
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 15, 2010, 11:10:00 am
Today's--------------------------sounds like a repeat-----

Julio had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the crowded locker room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his pals happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's lacy panties.

"Hey, Julio," his friend across the room called out much louder than necessary, "How long have ya' been playing golf in women's underwear?"

"How long?"  I'll tell you how long, wise guy .......  ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from playing a round of golf last spring."

____________________________________________________

In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.  (The rest, as they say, is history.)

In 1917, Dutch dancer Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.

____________________________________________________

Today-----------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 86, Actress Linda Lavin is 73, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 68, Baseball Hall-of-famer Jim Palmer is 65 and Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 64.

__________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 16, 2010, 09:29:07 am
Today's-------------------ooopsies

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called a "campaign" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful, too-------------------------------------

The young lady fell in love with, and married. the UPS driver.

___________________________________________________________

In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.

In 1995, a vast throng of black men gathered in Washington, D.C., for the "Million Man March" led by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

___________________________________________________________

Today------------------------Former presidential adviser Charles W. Colson is 79, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 73, Actor Barry Corbin is 70, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 69, Actress Suzanne Somers is 64, Producer-Director David Zucker is 63 and Actress Angela Lansbury is 85.

_________________________________________________________

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 17, 2010, 09:40:49 am
Today's-------------------from the archives

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course, sank to the bottom.  After ten laps, the guy with no legs won the race and everyone applauded, well, except the guy with no arms.

Noticing bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, the guy with no legs dove down and brought the head up and sat him on the side of the pool.  Coughing and sputtering, the head finally gained his composure and then turning red in the face, began shouting about how he had trained for years learning to swim with his ears and then two minutes before the race, some clown slipped a swimming cap on him.

_________________________________________________________

In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.  (Sentenced to 11 years, Capone was in released in 1939.)

In 1933. Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

In 1973, Arab-oil producing states announced they would begin cutting back on oil exports to Western nations and Japan; the result was a total embargo that lasted until March 1974.

In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage.

_____________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Marsha Hunt is 93, Actress Julie Adams is 84, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 80, Country Singer Earl Thomas Conley is 69, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Croft) is 68, Singer Gary Puckett is 68, Actor Michael McKean is 63, Actress Margot Kidder is 62 and Actor George Wendt is 62.

___________________________________________________________

Sadly, Actress Barbara Billingsley (June Cleaver from "Leave it to Beaver") passed away Saturday at age 94.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj



Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 18, 2010, 10:46:27 am
Today's--------------Hah

Some years ago, the chaplain for the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.  At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent game.

"I lost me temper," the player said in a thick Irish brogue, adding, "and I said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," said the priest softly.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father.  I got mad and punched another one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest declared, making another chalk mark.

"There's more," the player said somewhat unashamedly, "As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the 'sensitive' area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more marks on his sleeve.  "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist, Father."

"Ah......well," said the priest as he wiped the marks off his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

________________________________________________________

In 1858, the play "Our American Cousin" by Tom Taylor premiered at Laura Keene's New York theater.

In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.

In 1892, the first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened (it could only handle one call at a time.)

In 1931, inventor Thomas Alva Edison died at West Orange, NJ at age 84,

In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, Missouri.

______________________________________________________________

Today-------------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 84, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 82, Actress Dawn Wells is 72, College and Pro Hall-of-famer Mike Ditka is 71, Actor Joe Morton is 63 and Actress Pam Dawber is 60.

_____________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 19, 2010, 10:31:39 am
Today's-----------why would he want to leave?

Two men were sitting side by side on an airplane flying from Kansas to Los Angeles. 

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to L.A.  "I've never been there, but I hate Los Angeles," he said.

"Everything you hear about L.A. is bad --- smog, traffic, and worst of all, getting shot and robbed, things stolen, carjackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man.  "I live in L.A. myself.  Most of that stuff you read is media hype.  It's just not true.  You'll find L.A. is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first.  "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better.  You say you live in L.A. -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

____________________________________________________

In 1765, the Stamp Act Congress, meeting in New York, drew up a declaration of rights and liberties.

In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1960, the United States began a limited embargo against Cuba as President Dwight D. Eisenhower banned exports to the communist-ruled nation covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain food products.

In 1960, the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was arrested during a sit-down protest at a lunch counter in Atlanta. (Sent to prison for a parole violation over a traffic offense, King was released after three days following an appeal by Robert F. Kennedy.)

In 1987, the stock market crashed as the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged 508 points, or 22.6 percent in value.

__________________________________________________________

Today------------------Author John Le Carre is 79, Artist Peter Max is 73, Actor Michael Gambon is 70. Actor John Lithgow is 65, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 65 and Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 65.

________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 20, 2010, 10:57:08 am
Today's----------------------wow! talk about a play on words.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the U.K., uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.  Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today's shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.  Furthermore, 500 staff members at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

_______________________________________________________________

In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore at Leyte in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."

_______________________________________________________________

Today--------------Actor William Christopher is 78, Rock Singer Tom Petty is 60 and Rockabilly singer Wanda Jackson is 73.

________________________________________________________________

Sadly------------Tom Bosley (Howard Cunningham on "Happy Days") passed away on Tuesday at age 83.

______________________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 20, 2010, 04:26:55 pm
Oh, groan. I  need to go lie down! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D I love that kind of thing.
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 21, 2010, 10:48:22 am
Today's-----------------old but funny and probably more true than not


While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my friend the other day, I think he may have found a solution.

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.

A new hip? Unheard of.  We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.  You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

Let's take care of the young people, unemployed and illegal aliens.  After all, it seems they are more deserving.

So here is the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and four bullets.  You are allowed to shoot (superficially wound, not kill) two senators and two congressmen.

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!

New teeth, great!   Need glasses, no problem.  New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?  Well bring it on.

And who will be paying for all of this.  The same government that has suggested that you are too old for health care.  And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.  And what with prison overcrowding, we'll likely end up in the same prison and have one heck of a social life.

__________________________________________________

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon nominated Lewis F. Powell and William H. Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1985, former San Francisco Supervisor Dan White who'd served five years in prison for killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, a gay-rights advocate, was found dead in a garage, a suicide.

_________________________________________________

Today-----------Actress Joyce Randolph is 86, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 70, Singer Elvin Bishop is 68,. Actor Everett McGill is 65 and TV's Judge Judy Sheindlin is 68.

________________________________________________

Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 22, 2010, 11:15:11 am
Today's--------------------no comment needed

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details.  These are genuine excerpts from the forms.  Perhaps it will leave you speechless and just shaking your head.

1.  Regarding the identify of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim................I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2.  I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you could contact the local BMW dealers in this area and see if he has had it replaced.

3.  I cannot tell you the name of Child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I am torn by doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

4.  From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

5.  So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146.....Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

6.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one (gave you gas.)

7  I have never had sex with a man.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

_____________________________________________________

In 1928, Republican presidential nominee Herbert Hoover spoke of the "American system of rugged individualism" in a speech at New York's Madison Square Garden.

In 1934, bank robber Charles "Pretty boy" Floyd was shot to death by federal agents at a farm in East Liverpool, Ohio.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment shipped to Cuba, following the discovery of Soviet-built missile bases on the island.

In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan signed into law sweeping tax-overhaul legislation.

___________________________________________________________

Today-------------Actress Joan Fontaine is 93, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 72, Actress Annette Funicello is 68 and Actress Catherine Deneuve is 67.

_______________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 23, 2010, 10:11:58 am
Today's------------so much for the power of suggestion


This is a story about two couples who regularly played golf together at their club.  On the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.

One of the women, Sheila Bartholomewland, for more than a year, could never hit the ball over the water and each time the ball would drop somewhere near the center of the hazard.

She, as everyone agreed, was completely psyched out by the presence of water.

Her friend in the quartet suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety that consumed her whenever she neared the water.

So Sheila went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.  In those sessions, Sheila was hypnotized and the therapist "planted suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later a woman at the club asked whatever happened to the legendary Mrs. Bartholomewland -- after all the dear woman hadn't been seen playing golf at the club in more than four months.

The inquisitive lady was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Sheila Bartholomewland had drowned at the first leg of the sixth hole.

_________________________________________________________

In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by the Watergate special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.

In 1983, 241 U.S. service members were killed in a suicide truck-bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon; a near-simultaneous attack on French forces killed 58 paratroopers.

________________________________________________________

Today--------------Movie Director Philip Kaufman is 74, Soccer great Pele is 70 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Barbara Ann Hawkins (The Dixie Cups) is 67.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 24, 2010, 09:25:50 am
Today's-------------------from the archives

TOP TEN BOOKS DOCTORS READ

10. How To Turn a Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home

9. Your Waiting Room's a Financial Bonanza: The Simple Use of Vending Machines & Pay-Per-View TV

8. All the Things that 9 out of 10 of Us Recommend

7. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It

6. There's Big Money in Second Opinions

5. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans" -- The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases.

4. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Chronically Sick

3. Recurring Revenue: Getting Your Share of the Hypochondriac Market!

2. How to Convince a Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery of Available Diagnostic Tests

1. 101 Places to Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room

________________________________________________________

In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.  (On this date in 1949, construction began on U.N. Headquarters in New York.)

In 2002, authorities arrested Army veteran John Allen Muhammad and teenager Lee Boyd Malvo near Myersville, MD, in connection with the Washington-area sniper attacks.

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Today-----------------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 84, Rock Musician Bill Wyman is 74, Actor-producer David Nelson is 74, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 71 and Actor Kevin Kline is 63.

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Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 25, 2010, 10:48:21 am
Today's------------------Ha!

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down the country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted, "Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haven dahin gesheissen."

Which means:  (Don't drink the water; the cows poo-poo in it.)

The man shouted back:  "I'm from New York and I'm down here campaigning for raises for Congress and senators, I can't understand you.  Please speak in English."

The farmer replied:  "Use both hands;  you'll get more water that way."

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In 1859. radical abolitionist John Brown went on trial in Charles Town, VA., for his failed raid at Harper's Ferry.  (Brown was convicted and hanged.)

In 1971, the U.N. General Assembly voted to admit mainland China and expel Taiwan.

In 1983, a U.S. led force invaded Grenada at the order of President Ronald Reagan, who said the action was needed to protect U.S. citizens there.

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Today------Actress Joanne Cooper is 82, Country Singer Jeanne Black is 73, Basketball Hall-of-famer Bobby Knight is 70, Author Anne Tyler is 69 and Actress Marion Ross is 82.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 26, 2010, 11:21:50 am
Today's-----------------------gotta read this one slowly and carefully

FUN FOR TUESDAY

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon Vu -- the  same mustard as before

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments

Shotgun wedding -- a case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead give away)

Time flies like a arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes

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In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona, as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang.  Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.

In 1942, Japanese planes badly damaged the aircraft carrier USS Hornet in the Battle of Santa Cruz Islands during World War II.  (The Hornet sank early the next morning.)

In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.

In 1984, "Baby Fae" a newborn with a sever heart defect, was given the heart  of a baboon in an experimental transplant in Loma Linda.  (Baby Fae lived 21 days with the animal heart.)

In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.

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Today-------------Actress Shelley Morrison is 74, Actor Bob Hoskins is 68, Author Pat Conroy is 65, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 65, TV Host Pat Sajak is 64 and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is 63.

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Larryj
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: Diane Amberg on October 26, 2010, 11:49:02 am
HA! I just love those. Thank you. :D
Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 27, 2010, 01:58:53 pm
Today's--------------------------------an ooopsie

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog.  Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"15 percent flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing gear, check.  Altitude, check.  Right, we're going in."

"MORE FLAPS! MORE FLAPS!  Hold on! Hit the brakes now!  HARD!  HARD!  HARDER!"

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Wow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says, "Yeah, but look how WIDE it is."

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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution was published in New York.

In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.

In 1938, DuPont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn: "nylon."

In 1947, "You Bet Your Life," starring Groucho Marx, premiered on ABC Radio. (It later became a television show on NBC.)

In 1990, death claimed bandleader Xavier Cugat at age 90 and author Elliot Roosevelt at age 80.

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Today-------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 90, Actress Ruby Dee is 86, Former Secretary of State Warren M. Christopher is 85 and Actor-comedian John Cleese is 71.

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Larryj

Title: Re: another slice of wry
Post by: larryJ on October 28, 2010, 10:42:22 am
Today's------------------doing what mama says

A boy took a girl our on her first date.  When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"Nooo," the girl said.

"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this, and continue to follow your mother's advice."

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In 1858, Rowland Hussey Macy opened his first New York store at Sixth Avenue and 14th Street in Manhattan.

In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

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Today---------------------Jazz singer Cleo Laine is 83, Actress Joan Plowright is 81, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 74, Singer Curtis Lee is 69, Actor Dennis Franz is 66