another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.......

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

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Today is Friday, September 19, the 262nd day of the year.  There are 103 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the first Battle of Saratoga was fought during the Revolutionary War; although British forces succeeded in driving out the American troops, the Americans prevailed in a second battle later.

In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.

In 1957, the United States detonated a 1.7 Kiloton nuclear weapon in an underground tunnel at the Nevada Test Site, the first fully contained underground detonation.

In 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushev exploded with anger when he learned he could not visit Disneyland for security reasons.

In 1964, the family TV show "Flipper" premiered.

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Today----Actor Adam West is 86, Actor David McCallum is 81, Songwriter Paul Williams is 74, Singer Bill Medley is 74, Baseball player Joe Morgan is 71, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 69, Actor Jeremy Irons is 66, Model Leslie "Twiggy" Lawson is 65, TV show host Joan Lunden is 64 and College football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Reggie Williams is 60.

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September 19th is:  Talk Like A Pirate Day, Clean Up The World Weekend 19-21, National POW/MIA Recognition Day and National Trademen Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you have the power to make someone happy, do it.  The world needs more of that.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oops.....

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Today is Saturday, September 20, the 263rd day of the year.  There are 102 days left in the year.

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In 1777, near Paoli, Pennsylvania, Gen. Charles Grey and nearly 5,000 British soldiers launched a surprise attack on a small regiment of Patriot troops in what became known as the Paoli Massacre.

In 1863, the Confederate Army of Tennessee drove the Union Army of the Cumberland back into Chattanooga, Tennessee, from Chickamauga Creek in Northern Georgia.

In 1973, in their "battle of the sexes," tennis star Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in straight sets, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3.

In 2004, CBS News apologized for a "mistake in judgment" in questioning President George W. Bush's National Guard service.

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Today---Actress Anne Meara is 85, Actress Sophia Loren is 80, Author George R.R. Martin is 66, Author Nick Toczek is 64 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 63.

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September 20th is:  AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Big Whopper Liar Day, Boys' And Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, National Gymnastics Day, National Seat Check Day and Puppy Mill Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day........The moment for calm and rational discussion has past; now is the time for senseless bickering.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----an old favorite.......

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager aplogized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Today is Sunday, September 21, the 264th day of the year.  There are 101 days left in the year.

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In 1780, during the Revolutionary War, American General Benedict Arnold met with British Major John Andre to discuss handing over West Point to the British.  The plot was foiled and Arnold's name became synonymous with the word "treason."

In 1897, The New York Sun ran its famous editorial written by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

In 1912, magician Harry Houdini first publicly performed his "Water Torture Cell" trick at the Circus Busch in Berlin.

In 1938, without warning, a powerful Category 3 hurricane slammed into Long Island and Southern New England causing 600 deaths and devastating coastal cities and towns.

In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" began on ABC-TV.  The Cleveland Browns beat the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.

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Today------Songwriter Leonard Cohen is 80, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 73, Author Steven King is 67, Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 64 and Hall-of-Fame Jockey Eddie Delahoussaye is 63.

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September 21st is:  International Day Of Peace, Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day Of Play, Wife Appreciation Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.

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Quip for the day.......One good thing about repeating your mistakes, you know when to cringe.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------blonde guy day....

A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they are worth $50. The salesman assures him that they work and that $50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!

He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! He's thinking, "Cool!"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.

He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, "Dang, I just paid fifty bucks for these, and they're already broken!"

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Today is Monday, September 22, the 265th day of the year.  There are 100 days left in the year.

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In 1776, during the American Revolutionary War, Capt. Nathan Hale was hanged by the British in New York.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation establishing the Peace Corps as a permanent government agency.

In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford outside a San Francisco hotel, but missed.

In 1994, the television sitcom Friends began on NBC.

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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tommy Lasorda is 87, Songwriter Toni Basil is 71, Singer David Coverdale (Deep Purple) is 63 and Actress Shari Belafonte is 60.

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September 22nd is:  American Business Women's Day, Autumnal Equinox, Car Free Day, Chainmail Day, Dear Diary Day, Elephant Appreciation Day, Family Day, Hobbit Day, Ice Cream Cone Day and International Day Of Radiant Peace.

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Quip for the day.....My wife's philosophy: Maybe I can't make you do it, but I sure can make you sorry you didn't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----a favorite.....

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg.

Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man..., "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

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Today is Tuesday, September 23, the 266th day of the year.  There are 99 days left in the year.

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In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.

In 1875, Billy the kid was arrested for the first time after stealing a basket of laundry.

In 1952, in what became known as the "Checkers" speech, Sen. Richard M. Nixon, R-Calif., salvaged his vice-presidential nomination by appearing live on television to refute allegations of improper campaign fundraising.

In 1962, "The Jetsons," an animated cartoon series about a Space Age family, premiered as the ABC network's first program in color.

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Today---Singer Julio Iglesias is 71, Actor Paul Peterson is 69 and Singer Bruce Springsteen is 65.

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September 23rd is:  Innergize Day, Checkers Day or Dogs In Politics Day, National Voter Registration Day and Restless Legs Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.........Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another favorite.....

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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Today is Wednesday, September 24, the 267th day of the year.  There are 98 days left in the year.

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In 1789, the Judiciary Act of 1789 was passed by Congress and signed by President George Washington, establishing the Supreme Court of the United States.

In 1869, thousands of businessmen were ruined in a Wall Street panic known as "Black Friday" after financiers Jay Gould and James Fisk attempted to corner the gold market.

In 1890, faced with the eminent destruction of their church and way of life, Mormon leaders reluctantly issued the "Mormon Manifesto" in which they commanded all Latter-day Saints to uphold the anti-polygamy laws of the nation.

In 1934, Babe Ruth made his farewell appearance as a player with the New York Yankees in a game against the Boston Red Sox.

In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco.

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Today-----Astronaut John Watts Young is 84, Rhythm-and-blues singer Sonny Turner (The Platters) is 75, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 72, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 69 and Football player Joe Greene is 68.

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September 24th is:  National Women's Health And Fitness Day, Punctuation Day and Banned Websites Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.....I was always taught to respect my elders.  Trouble is, they are getting harder to find.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----and another favorite......

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope...

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Today is Thursday, September 25, the 268th day of the year.  There are 97 days left in the year.

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In 1789, the first U.S. Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification.  (Ten of the amendments became the Bill of Rights.)

In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.

In 1970, the TV series "The Partridge Family" aired on ABC.

In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.

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Today------Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 85, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 70, Actress Felicity Kendal is 68, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 67, Actor Anson Williams is 65, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 65 and Actor Mark Hamill is 63.

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September 25th is:  Math Story Telling Day, National One-hit Wonder Day, National Psychotherapy Day, National Teach Ag Day, World Ataxia Awareness Day and World Pharmacists Day.

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Quip for the day......The most frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you will grow out of it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep.....

Three people die, a Doctor, a school teacher and the head of a large HMO.  When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, he asks the Doctor "what did you do on Earth?"

The Doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay, I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "you may go in."

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children." St. Peter then told her, "you may go in."

St. Peter asked the third man, "what did you do?" The man hung his head and replied, "I ran a large HMO." To which St. Peter replied, "you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days."

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Today is Friday, September 26, the 269th day of the year.  There are 96 days left in the year.

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In 1777, British troops occupied Philadelphia during the American Revolution.

In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States Secretary of State.

In 1820, the great pioneering frontiersman Daniel Boone died in his sleep near present-day Defiance, Missouri.

In 1957, West Side Story, composed by Leonard Bernstein, opened at the Winter Garden theater on Broadway.

In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.

In 1964, "Gilligan's Island" premiered on CBS-TV.

In 1969, "The Brady Bunch" aired on television for the first time.

In 2008, Paul Newman, one of the leading movie stars of the 20th century, died at the age of 83 from cancer at his home in Westport, Connecticut.

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Today------Retired Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 89, Actress Donna Douglas is 81, Actor Ricky Tomlinson is 75, Actor Kent McCord is 72, Game show host Anne Robinson is 70, Singer Bryan Ferry is 69, Country singer Lynn Anderson is 67, Country singer Lyndsey Wagner is 67, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 66 and Actor James Keane is 62.

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September 26th is:  Hug A Vegetarian Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Love Note Day, Save The Koala Day and World Contraception Day.

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Quip for the day...My wife says the only reason I'm alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----groaner........

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

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Today is Saturday, September 27, the 270th day of the year.  There are 95 days left in the year.

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In 1864, a guerilla band led by William "Bloody Bill" Anderson sacked the town of Centralia, Missouri, killing 22 unarmed Union soldiers.

In 1869, Ellis County, Kansas, Sheriff Wild Bill Hickok and his deputy responded to a report of a group of drunken men tearing up John Bitter's Beer Saloon in Hays City.  Hickok shot and killed one man.

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time at the Central Theater in Passaic, New Jersey, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.

In 1954, "Tonight!," hosted by Steve Allen, made it debut on NBC-TV.

In 1979, Congress gave its final approval to forming the Department of Education.

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Today--Actress Jayne Meadows is 95, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 81, Actor Wilford Brimley is 80, Actor Claude Jarman Jr. is 80, Author Barbara Howar is 80, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 75, Country singer Gay Kayler is 73, Singer Alan Stardust is 72, Guitarist Randy Bachman (The Guess Who) is 71, Singer Angelica Maria is 70, Singer Meat Loaf is 67, Comedian Liz Torres is 67, Baseball player Mike Schmidt is 65 and Actress Gail Edwards is 62.

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September 27th is:  Ancestor Appreciation Day, Family Health And Fitness Day, Fish Amnesty Day, Google's Birthday, International Lace Day, International Rabbit Day, Kid's Day (Kiwanis Club), National Hunting And Fishing Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, R.E.A.D. In America Day, Support Purple For Platelets Day and World Tourism Day.

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Quip for the day........I may be fat, but you're ugly......and I can lose weight.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------blonde joke day......

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

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Today is Sunday, September 28, the 271st day of the year.  There are 94 days left in the year.

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In 1066, one of my ancestors, William the Conqueror, invaded England to claim the English throne.

In 1542, Portuguese navigator Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego.

In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation sent the just-completed Constitution of the United States to state legislatures for their approval.

In 1991, jazz trumpet legend Miles Davis died in a California hospital at age 65.

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Today---Actress Brigitte Bardot is 80, Singer Ben E. King is 76, Actor Rudolph Walker is 75, Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 64, Actress Pauletta Washington is 64 and Rock musician George Lynch is 60.

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September 28th is:  Fish Tank Floorshow Night, National Drink Beer Day, National Good Neighbor Day, International Right To Know Day, World Heart Day, World Rabies Day and Gold Star Mother's Day.

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Quip for the day........A flying particle will find the nearest eye.

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Larryj