another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------is a repeat, a recent repeat and I won't post it again, so back to the archives.


An elderly widow was celebrating her 100 years of life at a party given by her 14 children.

One of her presents was some hearing aids as she had been very hard of hearing all of her life.

Later, one of her daughters came to visit and asked how she was doing with the new hearing aids.  The old woman replied, "They are really great!  I have never heard so well in my life.  I wish I would have had them much earlier in my life."

"Why is that?" the daughter asked.

"Well," the elderly woman replied, "Your father used to come to bed and ask me, 'Do you want to go to sleep or what?"  And I always said, "What?"

(14 kids)

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Today--------------------Actress Jaclyn Smith is 64,TV Host Pat Sajak is 63, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is 62.

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In 1881, The Gunfight at the O.K. corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz., as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted Ike Clanton's gang.  Three members of Clanton's group were killed; Earp's brothers and Holliday were wounded.

In 1972, national security adviser Henry Kissinger declared that  "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam.

In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the USA Patriot Act, giving authorities unprecedented ability to search, seize, detain or eavesdrop in their pursuit of possible terrorists.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------paper back to normal-------

Les' brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to Lieutenant Commander.

We -- neighbors, friends and family -- were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns. 

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

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Today---------------Actress Nanette Fabray is 89. Actress Ruby Dee is 85,  and Country singer Lee Greenwood is 67.

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In 1938, Du Pont announced a name for its new synthetic yarn; "nylon"

In 1880, Theodore Roosevelt married his first wife, Alice Lee.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------------------Maybe the name should be changed to Warph.

Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.  On the second hole, he drove another brand-new ball into a lake.  On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball,"  Morris replied.

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Today-------Actress Joan Plowright is 80, Singer Charlie Daniels is 73, Actor Dennis Franz is 65 and Actress Telma Hopkins is 60.

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In 1886, The Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicated the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------------good point.


"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people.

"Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, and walk two miles.  I"m fit as a fiddle!  And you may want to know why.  Well, I'll tell you.  I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't eat junk foods, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And, tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!L"

"Oh really?" drawled one of the onlookers,

"How?"

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Today------------------------Singer Melba Moore is 64, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 62, Actress Kate Jackson is 61.

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In 1929, known as "Black Tuesday," Wall Street crashed, heralding the beginning of the Great Depression.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

 
 

            An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem to concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boys’ room and put four objects on his desk—a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

            “I’ll just hide behind the door, and when he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up,” said the preacher to himself.  “If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher, like me, and what a blessing that would be.  If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

            “But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and what a shame that would be.  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

            The old man waited anxiously, and soon hear his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.  The boy tossed his school books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the desk.

            With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

            Finally, the boy picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  And he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as he admired this month’s centerfold.  “Lord have mercy,” the old preacher thought to himself.  “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------whoops.

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was unfaithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."

Being a man of the '90s, and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.  He sent following e-mail to his wife's lover.

Sir.  It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.  So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply.

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning.  Please be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your company's auditorium.

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Today-----------------------------Rock singer Grace Slick is 70, Actor Henry Winkler is 64 and songwriter Eddie Holland is 70.

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Larryj

[pamsback]

LOLOLOL, now that's funny 

[Jo McDonald]

 

Telephone Instructions from Rx:
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call 30 times before he would even answer the phone.'
 
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.   Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. 'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.' 'When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing of the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.' 'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
 
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 



 
 
 

[Judy Harder]

Jo
That has me laughing out loud and grinning wishing I had someone to share it with. No I am not going to copy and forward.
Been on the 'puter all day (just about) and am ready to change chairs at least.......may find something to watch on tv.
Think there is ice-skating on that will do.

[Wilma]

Judy, there is also basketball, but the music with the skating wins the decision.