10 Lessons to learn before you have kids

10 Lessons to learn before you have kids

Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,
sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds,
with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing
loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go
to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful
and together.

Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does that look?

Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.
Time allowed for this? - all morning.

Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your
foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 6
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If
you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one
goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can
easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You
are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney,
the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney
channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking
What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo
to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this
tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now
ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy'
tape made from Lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's
all worth it!' Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things
you'll need when you become a parent!