Chuckles

[Teresa]

I was on my way to deposit some of  my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself  behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read:
                             "We did it! - Obama / Biden'

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"


She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"


She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bitch.

[Dee Gee]

"FLU UPDATE "


What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

 

 



For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

[Judy Harder]

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental  hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting,  '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to  see over, but I saw a

Little gap in the planks, so I looked  through to see

What was going on......

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Sherri]

lol lol lol    I liked that one Judy     There are times when we all could use "the stick" !!!

[Jo McDonald]

Idle thoughts of a retiree's wandering mind during 2009:

 ....I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to  feed it.
 ....I had amnesia once -- or twice.
 ....Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.
 ....All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
 ....If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride  horses sidesaddle.
 ....What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?
 ....They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
 ....Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
 ....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
 ....My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
 ....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 ....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
 ....How can there be self-help "groups"?
 ....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a  man
      who can't get his pants off
 ....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 ....Hopefully I'll figure all this out in 2010.

[Judy Harder]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining " ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



If zis mad you smil , pleas pas on to oza pepl


 

[Teresa]

In support of President Obama, Buckwheat of the Little Rascals has proclaimed he has become a Muslim, and has changed his name.
 
He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

[Ms Bear]

Alternate Perspective

Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.


To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

PS: We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,


 
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

[Warph]

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW …

Enough of that crap. The donkey came back later
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you!

[Warph]

Jake, 92, and Sylvia, 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jake suggests they go in.

Jake addresses the man behind the counter:  “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers “Yes”.

Jake: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jake: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jake: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jake: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jake: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jake: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jake: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Finally satisfied, Jake says to the pharmacist: “OK, we’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”