Nuther Story!

[Trinity]

Trinity wakes after another drunk with the Sarge.  Delmonico had gone to bed early saying something about eight o'clock, the Doc comin to visit us and drinking too much.  He wasn't very clear.

Trinity scratches himself and then searches for another bottle of Dickel, but can't find one.  He says to himself "Hmm.  I jest caint believe that we drunk it all!"  At that time, the doc emerges from Delmonico's tent and then Trinity remembers exactly what Delmonico was talking about last night.  He tries to run away but his legs still under the effect of the previous night's alcohol, he falls face down in a pile of horse apples.  The doctor helps him to his feet...

...

Standing, (well, actually dancing) waist deep in the cold creek, Trinity tries to grasp just what happened to him and why the ice cold water is not soothing the extreme burning sensation when he sees a cache of Dickel bottles on the bank of the creek.  Trinity thought to himself "Whew!  I don' know how them bottles got here but I shore do need some and NOW!"  Trinity reaches for a bottle, removes the cork and drinks heavily. ... Uh oh! ...

[Delmonico]

Delmonico is feeling better cause there is enough crew ta roundup and brand.  Feeling happy he drops off a grocery list at the store.  "Just deliver it out ta the roundup camp about 9 miles south of town.  Ya might want ta send yer delivery boy around the back way.  The portable brothel is about 5 miles out,  The experience would be good fer the boy but they social disease they carry with them would stunt his growth."

"Have them out there this evening, I need ta fix the crew something nice tamarraw, the 3 old hands have had kinda of a rough day."

[Delmonico]

One the way back ta camp Delmonico sees a farm off to the side of the road, going up to it he finds out the folks their raise chickens.  Always thinkin' of the crew, he aranges ta have 4 dozen eggs delivered each afternoon.

He also buys a couple of old hens and puts them in a gunny sack accross the saddle of the mule, with the promise of the eggs being delivered in a couple of hours Delmonico decides Chicken and Noodles would be good fer the crew since the old hands were sick and the new ones looked like they hadn't ate in a week.

Arriving back it camp Delmonico notice the 3 old hands were still standing in the creek, Little Joe the Wrangler (not Cartwright) was tending the horses and the new hands had unloaded the cook stove from the chuckwagon. 

Getting a large pot boiling tha scald and pick the chickens, Delmonico cut the heads off of both and let them go, course the headed toward the 3 fellows standing in the creek, The Drifter looked up just as 2 headless chickens headed their way.

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge wakes up and looks around at all of the hung over pards. He shouts "Suck it up and deal with it you sheepherders!!!"  Delmonico looks at him and now knows why he was such an effective Sergeant Major in The War of Northern Aggression.

Sarge looks at the drovers and says "I'll skip breakfast. There's work to be done."  He then strides over to his horse, an Apaloosa named Swifty, and saddles him up, cinching his old McClellan saddle.

Climbing up, Sarge looks over toward the fire and says "Anythin' happen last night with some girlie man named Dagit?" He rode off towrd the herd with this evil grin that would put chills down the back of a dead man.

Sarge starts a chorus of Dixie...

[Delmonico]

Delmonico changes the words as the Sarge gets out of ear (and pistol) shot.

" Way down south in the land of cotton"
"they send us their whores that are rotton.)

Delmonico says, he didn't notice the sign on the brothel on wheels that says "Southern Belles for Rent."

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim yells to the boys still in the creek, "Watch out for them man eating headless chickens!"

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

Brazos Bucky rises from the corner of the room where he spent the night in a heap.  Shakes his head to clear the cob webs of too much liquor, and say to Delmonico "Hey can I have some of that cake or bread to soak up the stuff still sloushing around in my gut?"

Turns to Slim and says "hey how did I get that burn on my leg?  Looks a little bit like that wavy part of your'n branding iron! And, quit yellin' about those chicken's with no heads!  Makes my head acke."

BB

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Well, we was trying to brand Sarge last night while he was snorin'. But, Delmonico didn't hold his feet tight enough and he kicked the iron into my leg," said Slim.

 

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge mutters " Damned yankees. Don't appreciate nutthin'. No stones. Eat sissy food. You'd think they was still Frenchies or sumpin'. Shoulda kilt a few more at Shiloh, Antietam, Wilderness, Lookout Mountain. Buncha pantywaiste swabbie types if'n ya ask me..........."

[Brazos Bucky Smith]

  Brazos  rubs his head, takes his finger to his teeth to clean the fur off, and scratches his rump with the other hand.  Notices Delmonico starting the chicken and noodles and says to him "Hey arn't we gettin a little genteil, can't we just have some beef, you know steaks or sumtin?"

Then Brazos looks towards the creek and sees the chickens runnin' and the naked cowboys standin in it with the water almost up to their (well never you mind) and he starts a laughin', he laughs so hard he falls down.  Next thing ya's know he is a yellin' and rollin' around, cause one of the chicken heads he happened to sit on bits him on the (never you mind) and he can't dislodge the beek.  Hurts like (well never you mind) and he forgets his headaches!

The boys in the creek well they start to laughin' but unbeknowct to them one of the chicken heads is a floatin' up behind them and ataches itself to Thinity's (well never you mind)..........

BB

[Delmonico]

Delmonico says ta Sarge, "Not a problem I can fix some Reb food, I'll parch some of the corn fer the mule team and make some of them corn pones, I got water, cornmeal and salt, don't need nothin's else fer that junk."

Brazo's I rounded up the chickens, if'n one a you cowhands was sober, ya would have rounded up a cow critter with someone else's brand besides Marshall Halloway's on it.  Ya'll know someone's else beef always tastes better on a roundup!  I know what we'll do, our new cowboy Bruce Dern can find us some beef without the bosses brand on it and he's got enough sense ta burrry the hide where no one will find it.  Slim quit whinin' bout that burn, didn't char a spot moren' the size of a silver dollar.  Here rub some sweet oil on it.  (Olive oil, Note: this is no longer an approved method of treatin' burns cause it increases the risk of infection, but don't tell Slim.)

Supper al be ready just fore sundown delmonico says as the friendly sodbuster delivers the eggs.

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim falls down laughing his head off and rolls on a cactus. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Thanks for the sweet oil, Delmonico. Now, I have to get these cactus needles out of my elbow." 

[Delmonico]

Get the plyyers outa the tool box of the chuckwagon and see if there is someun' sober enough tha help pull them out.  I gots ta get these noodles made, says Delmonico as he gets the period correct pasta roller out of the chuckwagon (Thomas Jefferson had one, I can too!)

Hey Slim ya might want ta see about gettin' another couple of span of mules, this chuckwagon is gettin' heavy with all the junk I keep addin' to it.  We got ta gou up inta the High Country when we get down down here in the lowlands.

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim gets Brazos Bucky ta help him pull out the the cactus needles. He then jumps on his horse, "Delmonico, I am go'n ta town ta get another team of mules for you wagon." He rides off towards town.

[Delmonico]

Whoa wagon boss, check yer "Old West" terms dictionary, I said a couple of span, that adds up ta 2 teams or 4 mules. 

While yer in town see if the store has some canned anchovies, I gots an idea fer a treat fer the crew tommorow.  I don't think they gots no water buffalo milk mozzzarrrellloo cheese there, but our egg farmer brought me some skim milk farmer's cheese, almost the same thing as the cheap stuff they'll use whin delvery pizza is invented, ya like NeyW York thin crust er Chicago thick crust style?

[Silver Creek Slim]

"Ok, two teams it is. No anchovies for me, please, but I will get some for ya. I prefer Chicago style crust on my Italian pie.", says Slim as he rides down the trail.

[Sergeant Smokepole]

All of a sudden, a shot was heard. In comes the Sarge draggin' a dead steer behind him. Delmonico rushes over to see if it was one of the boss's cows. He looked and where the brand was, a patch was cut out of the hide. Sarge says, "Now we kin eat some food that's fit fer men. I'm tired o' this sissy food. Make up some corn bread and fry up some steaks. What the deuce is with all these chicken heads? Which one o' you damned yankees has been chokin' these chickens?"

[Silver Creek Slim]

Slim came riding up the trail at full tilt. "What is tarnation was that shot fer? Are the Apaches attacking?" He looks behind Sarge, who has a big grin on his face, and sees the dead beef. "Sarge, how's beef is that?" 

[Delmonico]

Delmonico tells the Sarge, ya kilt it, ya clean it.  Ok ya just want plain ol cowboy food ok, ya get that, I'll save the tour of other foods ya could have had in the old west fer Slim and I. 

If'n ya don't want anchovies Slim, ya got ta find some Eytallian sausage, or some pepperoni or some of the Eyetallian have that begains with a P, but I can't pronouce or spell.  I don't make no foo foo peaza like they make now with hamburger or pineapple.

And with that Delmonico heads back ta camp muttering bout "Damn Yankee's and Unrepented Rebels."

[Sergeant Smokepole]

Sarge remarks how he'd rather be skinnin' yankees than the beef, but Delmonico was right........... this time.

Steer all gutted, skinned and quartered, the old half breed Reb stakes out the hide and starts scrapin' and rubbin' in the salt to cure the hide.

"Damned fool yankee. I'd'a given him the hide for himself. At least I'll be warm when them cold winds start to blow soon.........."

[Delmonico]

Delmonico is muttering back at the chuck wagon as only a cosie can mutter.

"Durn unrepented rebs don't want no sweetner in their cornbread, damn yankees do, rebs want white meal, yankees want yaller.  They wants beef, don't know nutin' bout cow camp cookin, but what they seen on the silver screen, to dumb ta know old time cowboys wanted the beef very well done, well that is what they gonna get."

"Try ta teach them that the 4 b's (beef, bacon, biscuits and beans) ain't what they have ta eat and they whine.  Then the durn ramrod don't even want anchovies on his peeeza."

"Next thing ya know that Norveegion that owns this ranch is gonna show up and want me ta fix Lutefisk and fruitsoup."

"That durn reb is gonna make that hide inta a soogun, the last one he did that to one, it wasn't done right, a chinook came through and we had ta bury his bedroll and all his clothes.  I hope he has spare ones this time, it got cold fore we could get him some ta replace the ones we buryed and he froze his................" 

"Worse thing is he wanted ta dance necked with a snake round his neck, said it would protect us from Injuns."

[gophergrease]

Cookin smells good,but why you save the ashes in the buckets?

[Trinity]

...
The boys in the creek well they start to laughin' but unbeknowct to them one of the chicken heads is a floatin' up behind them and ataches itself to Thinity's (well never you mind)..........

BB

"Now just wait a gall darned minute!  Ah aint "Thinity"  It's just cold in this here crik!!!"

TRinity removes the chicken head and finally feeling well enough, he climbs out of the creek.  Still somewhat sick but only slightly drunk he searches for an untainted bottle to put an end to all this soberness when he hears of the new hand.  BRUCE DERN!!!  Where is he?  

Trinity straps on his gun belt, and heads in the direction indicated by Slim until he comes to Bruce Dern.  "Draw you ornery cuss!" Screams Trinity.  "Ah din' never like none of your characters, and now Ah'm a gonna get even for John Wayne an them little boys!"

Bruce Dern reaches for his gun but that's the last thing he ever does.  Three shots emerge from Trinity's gun.  Bruce falls and so does Delmonico's horse.  No one is quite sure where the third bullet went.  Trinity says "Ah weren't sure which one was the real Bruce, so Ah had to let three fly  Whazzat?  Someone shot Delmonico's horse.  What kind of people do we have here??"

[gophergrease]

Delmonico, if I was to repent of my sins, and theres none them dam yanks need know of, it  meen I wasnt a good reb.
If ya make yeller corn bread it needs some black strap to cover the smell of the yank corn you used.
And for your pizza New York and that windy place dont know nothen about it, crust need to be thin. Just flour, lard, salt, water and a bit of soda. As to what to put on top sweet oil tomatos and basil. chesse or not if you like.