please swallow your beverage before reading...another stolen joke freshly stolen

[litl rooster]

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you have been warned




I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
...
One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's pretty much all I remember.....

[Forty Rod]

HA!  A joke I haven't heard before.

[litl rooster]

HA!  A joke I haven't heard before.

that's a problem when you use stolen jokes.  I'll keep researching though

[Arcey]

Were they? The whales? From Scotland?

[Texas Lawdog]

Roo, Them large women can get testy when it comes to their weight.

[litl rooster]

I knows

but so can some guys..This one kicked some butt

[litl rooster]

Drinking & Driving
I would like to share an experience with you all about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many Beers and some rather nice Claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a Bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a Bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Texas Lawdog]

Roo, We may have to cite you driving a bus without a license and possibily GTA for theft of the bus.

[litl rooster]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
 
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 
4. A day without sunshine is like, well.....night.
 
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
 
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
 
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
 
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
 
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
 
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[litl rooster]

I thought 50 might make me dangerous but sounds like 60 is really gonna be fun.

I'm not quite pushing 60 yet, but I'm taking notes on things to do to stay active!

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section.

It was awesome!

Gettin' old is so much fun... !!!

[Forty Rod]

Wait until you reach 70.  There's so much more fun.  You can do the same things over and over and it's always new because your memory ain't worth diddly squat... and your memory ain't worth diddly squat, either. 

Sometimes you'll discover your memory ain't worth diddly squat, too.      

[litl rooster]

Wait until you reach 70.  There's so much more fun.  You can do the same things over and over and it's always new because your memory ain't worth diddly squat... and your memory ain't worth diddly squat, either. 

Sometimes you'll discover your memory ain't worth diddly squat, too.      

damn it I forgot what I was going to tell you.

[litl rooster]

An old-timer is someone who can remember every detail of his life story, but can't remember how many times he's told it to the same person.
__________________

[wildman1]

Nah we can remember how many times we told it to the same person. Its just fun ta stretch it out and watch em squirm. Maybe even change it a bit ta see if their payin attention.  WM

[litl rooster]

One more..

AND GOD CREATED VIRGINIA
       
       (Even non-Virginians should love this one.)
       
       God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
       
       He inquired, "Where have you been?"
       
       God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael . Look what I've made."
       
       Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
       
       "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.
       
       I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
       
       "Balance?" inquired Michael , "I'm still confused."
       
       God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
       
       "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
       while southern Europe is going to be poor.
       
       Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
       
       Balance in all things."
       
       God continued pointing to different countries.
       
       "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
       
       The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
       
       "That's Virginia , the most glorious place on earth.
       
       There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
       
       The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous,
       and they are going to travel the world.
       
       They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and
       producers of good things"
       
       Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?
       You said there would be balance."
       
       God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington , D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Forty Rod]

Hey, did you know that if you lined up all the men and women on Earth head to toe, they'd be "doing it" wrong?  

Well, did you?  

[litl rooster]

I warned ya'll

[Arcey]

Set ah jumper cables walked inta a bar. Bartender sez, ‘if y'all try’n start anythin’ yer outta here!’

[litl rooster]

I need to heed my own warnings

[litl rooster]

stole this one from Pustic over in the Gulch




The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa in the late 1800s, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America in the mid 1900s, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India in the early 1900s, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France in the late 1900s. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia in the early 2000s, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia in the late 1900s, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia in the mid 1900s, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan is now: most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq in the late 1900s -- ruled by a dick.

[Arcey]

Man stood naked in the Sun. A voice spoke to him.

‘Go into the valley.’

‘What’s a valley?’ And, it was explained.

‘Cross the river.’

‘A river?’ And, it was explained.

‘Climb the hill.’

‘Climb what?’ And, it was explained.

‘You will find a cave. Enter it.’

‘What’s a cave?’ And, it was explained.

‘There you will find woman. Reproduce thyself.’

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………’ And, it was explained.

In a short movement of the Sun, man returned and stood as he began looking to the sky.

‘What now, man?’

‘What’s a headache?’

[Delmonico]

One evening a guy walks into the bedroom where his wife is relaxing and reading a book, he hands her two aspirins. 

"What are these for," she asks?

"They are for your headache dear."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Good."   

[litl rooster]

We've had a bit of conversation going about Craigs list here lately. This is from the Best of Craigs list. WARNING not all of them are suitable for posting here. Not that they are not funny this is just not the place.

Found: One Left-Handed Black Glove

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Date: 2012-07-07, 11:42AM CDT


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Earlier today while walking along one of my favorite river embankments I found a black, left-handed glove. It looks like it might be pretty expensive so I thought I'd throw it on here.

The glove is apparently unisex, as I have the delicate hands of a woman but still looked stylish as a man when I put it on the top of my hand and posed in the mirror. I chose not to wear the glove as I have a skin condition that causes me to sweat a substance not unlike butter (but only a fraction of its deliciousness) and I wouldn't want to ruin this perfectly lovely glove.

Since I found the glove three hours ago I've tried to make the best home I can for it. We played two games of Risk (he won both!), watched a documentary about the internet and had a heated debate about Obamacare.

When I say we had a heated debate about Obamacare, I am not suggesting that the glove can speak. He simply nodded in agreement while I went over my 45 bullet points. So if you have lost a left-handed black glove that has the capabilities of speech, I apologize, this is not your glove. Your search, unfortunately, continues.

But if the glove you have lost is left-handed with a little bit of an attitude and a lot of heart, this could very well be your glove. Contact me and we will start negotiating a price. I wish I could simply return the glove to you, but I don't have much money and I want some of yours.

Location: St Louis Park, MN
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 
 
 
PostingID: 312xxxxxxxxxxx

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[WaddWatsonEllis]

Okay...


A guy walks into a bar an sees this gorgeous blonde sitting by herself

After imbibing a lot of Dutch Courage, he walked over to her, put out his hand, and said, "Hi, Ben Colter here"

She looked at his hand for several moments before replying, "Ain't been no colder here than anyplace else".

Budda  Boom!

TTFN,

[Arcey]

A duck walks inta 7-11, ‘Ya got any grapes?’

‘This is 7-11, we don’t have grapes.’

Next day the duck walks in, ‘Ya got any grapes?’

‘No I told ya we don’t have grapes, period!’

Next day the duck walks in………………………

‘Listen, Duck! We ain’t got no grapes. If ya come in here tomorrow askin’ for ‘em I’m gonna nail yer nasty l’il feet ta the floor.’

Next day the duck walks in, ‘Got any nails?’

Clerk sez, ‘No!’

‘Great! Got any grapes?’