Because I'm A Man; Humor for Thursday

[Big John Denny]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will continue to fiddle with a coat hanger until long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the police is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the hood and stare at the engine as if I know exactly what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will eventually say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repairman gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it.
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Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The honest answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you're feeling amorous afterwards....then I'll certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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Because I am a man, I see ready-to-assemble furniture as a challenge to have the greatest possible number of left over and unused components at the end. If the assembled furniture doesn't collapse within the hour, this is merely seen as a bonus.
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Because I am a man, I don't have to ask for directions. Unknown to women, the penis contains a magnetic homing device enabling men to know exactly where they are on the Earth's surface at all times. If we do get lost, It's because our wives have used too much girly fabric conditioner on our underwear, thereby blocking out the magnetic rays.
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This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Will Blastem]