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Cas City Forum Hall & CAS-L  |  GENERAL TOPICS  |  Tall Tales (Moderator: Silver Creek Slim)  |  Topic: Stolen Joke 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
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Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 43672 times)
litl rooster
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« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2013, 11:48:33 pm »

A Newfie is like the equvialant of a West Virginian here



I just stole this from "Indy" at another site


Homeless Mans Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


Leo Tanner
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« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2013, 10:34:14 am »

Doh!
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"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.


Arcey
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« Reply #27 on: March 13, 2013, 11:12:27 am »

A drunk hails a cab 'n snatches open the front passenger's door.

'Hey, Cabbie! Can ya carry a couple pizzas 'n a twelve pack up here?'

'Sure!'

Drunk barfs all o'er the front seat......................


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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
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« Reply #28 on: March 13, 2013, 11:14:48 am »

YUCK!
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« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2013, 11:53:05 am »

http://vimeo.com/61275290
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« Reply #30 on: March 16, 2013, 09:53:42 am »

That is great.

Slim
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« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2013, 04:17:01 pm »

There's an old precher, known for giving two hour sermons.  One week his sermon is only an hour, the next half the next fifteen minutes.  Finally, one Sunday he doesn't preach at all.  One of the Deacons comes up and asks him what's wrong and he replies, "I got new dentures and they're still breaking in."
   Well, the next Sunday, this preacher really lays it to them with a four hour sermon, at which point the deacons have to wrestle him to the ground to get him to stop. When he does eventually stop, he pulls out his dentures and lays them on the floor. The same Deacon as the previous week asks him what happened, to which the preacher replies, " Remind me never to borrow my wifes dentures again."


--TK
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"James shook his head and twirled his Colt into it's holster with a smile.  There was some coffee left in the pot, so he poured it in his cup and leaned against the wall by the door.  The sun was setting in the distance, creating a beautiful sunset. 
   “Texas has better sunsets.”  He heard Terri say next to him.  He turned to face her.
   “Of course it does.  But we gotta get what we can in the mean time.” He said with a lopsided grin.  She smiled back and pulled her Colt, stuffing the barrel into his belly.
   “Yer' getting slow.  Better work on that.”  She said and walked back into the house with the empty coffee pot. 
   “We saw that, y' know.”  Clint Rounds said laughing.   James turned red and tried to hide his embarrassment."   Excerpt fromTHE FLOPPY HAT FROM TEXAS," being written by yours truly.



   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?
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« Reply #32 on: March 20, 2013, 09:24:09 am »

L’il gal goes ta ‘er grand ma’s with ‘er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit ‘n talk ‘n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they’re leavin’ he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet ‘er ‘n thanks ‘er for the nuts.

‘I’m glad ya enjoyed ‘em.’ She sez. ‘Hate ta see ‘em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off ‘n spit ‘em out.’



Thought since we were talkin’ dentures……………………
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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
Steel Horse Bailey
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« Reply #33 on: March 20, 2013, 11:46:48 am »

L’il gal goes ta ‘er grand ma’s with ‘er new boy friend.

Nice visit. They sit ‘n talk ‘n he eats peanuts from a bowl on an end table next ta the couch.

As they’re leavin’ he tells the ole gal it was nice ta meet ‘er ‘n thanks ‘er for the nuts.

‘I’m glad ya enjoyed ‘em.’ She sez. ‘Hate ta see ‘em go ta waste. Since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off ‘n spit ‘em out.’



Thought since we were talkin’ dentures……………………



 Shocked   Shocked   Shocked

 Grin
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"May Your Powder always be Dry and Black; Your Smoke always White; and Your Flames Always Light the Way to Eternal Shooting Fulfillment !"        

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by Joss Whedon 2002 - Firefly
The Trinity Kid
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« Reply #34 on: March 20, 2013, 10:57:20 pm »

Okay than..... Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Lips Sealed Shocked Shocked

--TK
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"James shook his head and twirled his Colt into it's holster with a smile.  There was some coffee left in the pot, so he poured it in his cup and leaned against the wall by the door.  The sun was setting in the distance, creating a beautiful sunset. 
   “Texas has better sunsets.”  He heard Terri say next to him.  He turned to face her.
   “Of course it does.  But we gotta get what we can in the mean time.” He said with a lopsided grin.  She smiled back and pulled her Colt, stuffing the barrel into his belly.
   “Yer' getting slow.  Better work on that.”  She said and walked back into the house with the empty coffee pot. 
   “We saw that, y' know.”  Clint Rounds said laughing.   James turned red and tried to hide his embarrassment."   Excerpt fromTHE FLOPPY HAT FROM TEXAS," being written by yours truly.



   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?
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« Reply #35 on: April 11, 2013, 11:37:25 am »

Duck walks inta a 7-11.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘No. We don’t carry grapes.’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘Ain’t what we do, duck. No, no grapes.’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any grapes?’

‘Look, duck! We’re a 7-11! We don’t sell grapes ‘n if you come back askin’ tomorrow I’m gonna nail yer stinky l’il feet to the floor!’

Next day, duck comes back.

‘Got any nails?’

‘NO!’

Duck sez, ‘Great! Got any grapes?’
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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
The Trinity Kid
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« Reply #36 on: April 11, 2013, 01:26:06 pm »

Cheesy

--TK
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"James shook his head and twirled his Colt into it's holster with a smile.  There was some coffee left in the pot, so he poured it in his cup and leaned against the wall by the door.  The sun was setting in the distance, creating a beautiful sunset. 
   “Texas has better sunsets.”  He heard Terri say next to him.  He turned to face her.
   “Of course it does.  But we gotta get what we can in the mean time.” He said with a lopsided grin.  She smiled back and pulled her Colt, stuffing the barrel into his belly.
   “Yer' getting slow.  Better work on that.”  She said and walked back into the house with the empty coffee pot. 
   “We saw that, y' know.”  Clint Rounds said laughing.   James turned red and tried to hide his embarrassment."   Excerpt fromTHE FLOPPY HAT FROM TEXAS," being written by yours truly.



   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?
litl rooster
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« Reply #37 on: April 12, 2013, 11:45:26 am »

Yeppppp!
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Joshua 1.9


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« Reply #38 on: April 21, 2013, 07:00:54 pm »

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
litl rooster
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« Reply #39 on: April 25, 2013, 04:06:36 pm »

that's a true story
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Joshua 1.9


Arcey
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« Reply #40 on: April 25, 2013, 07:26:19 pm »

Heard folks say that. I weren’t there, dunno. Do know I’ve ne’er stole nobody’s hat. From there the fifth.





Pair of jumper cables walk inta a bar.

Bartender sez, ‘Y’all try’n start sumthin’ yer outta here!’
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Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
wildman1
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« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2013, 07:47:15 am »

Termite walks inta a bar, says "where's the bar tender?" WM
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« Reply #42 on: April 26, 2013, 09:50:42 am »

bar jokes huh ?

A string coils in a bar and orders a drink

Barkeeps says "we don't serve string in here"

So the string leaves....

but the next day,  he's back all twisted and shreaded and wadded up.

again he orders a drink ,

Barkeep shouts " I DON"T SERVE STRING " !

String yells back  " WHY ? "

Barkeep yells " Your a dam STRING !


String yells back ( wait for it )





" I"M   a fraid not    !
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Leo Tanner
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« Reply #43 on: April 26, 2013, 11:07:16 am »

Little gal walks into a department store an heads fer the kitchen section.

A clerk approaches her and asks if he can help.

She says, "I need one of those things that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold:

Clerk asks if she means a Thermos.

Gal says, "I dunno, as long as it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".

Wanting to make sure he gets her the right item he asks her what she is planning to put in it.




She answers him,  "Two cups of coffee an a popsicle".
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"When you have to shoot, shoot.  Don't talk."
     Tuco--The Good the Bad and the Ugly

"First comes smiles, then lies.  Last is gunfire."
     Roland Deschain

"Every man steps in the manure now an again, trick is not ta stick yer foot in yer mouth afterward"

religio SENIOR est exordium of scientia : tamen fossor contemno sapientia quod instruction.


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« Reply #44 on: April 26, 2013, 07:06:29 pm »

Or the 88 fan what asked the chicky babe behind the counter it Dunkin Donuts how many cups his thermos would hold.

She tells ‘im five.

He hands it to 'er 'n tells ‘er he wants two black, two with cream ‘n sugar ‘n one with milk ‘n two packets of Sweet ‘n Low………………………
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Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
litl rooster
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« Reply #45 on: April 30, 2013, 06:32:07 pm »






A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American! 
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


Arcey
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« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2013, 06:30:18 am »

Ole boy walks into an antique store and see's this brass rat sitting on a shelf. He can't keep his eyes off it, he has to have it. So he picks it up brings it to the counter and asks the clerk "how much". The clerk tells him, "that there's gonna run you $200."

"Derned expensive fer a brass rat but I gotta have it.”

As the ole boy is leaving the antique store the clerk sez fer ‘nother $100 ‘e’d tell ‘im the tale of the brass."

The ole boy tells ‘im where he kin put ‘is story ‘n leaves.
 
As ‘e walks along, ‘e notices he has five rats following him. He thinks to himself that this is strange but don’t pay it any mind so he walks two more blocks towards his house ‘n notices he has a hundred rats following him. Now he starts to run as fast as he can ‘n soon he has all the rats in the city following him ‘n he panics. So he gets to a bridge ‘n throws the brass rat over ‘n all the rats in the city jump in after it and drown.
 
The ole boy goes back to the antique dealer huffin’ ‘n puffin’, whips open the door. The clerk says, "So now you want to hear the tale of the brass rat huh?" ‘n the ole boy replies, "Hell no man! Wonderin’ if you had any brass democrats."
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Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
litl rooster
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« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2013, 06:34:24 am »

 Grin
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


Major 2
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« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2013, 07:54:23 am »

I love IT !  Grin
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« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2013, 09:22:29 am »

Well, did he?  Get any brass Democrats, I mean.   Grin
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People like me are the reason people like you have the right to bitch about people like me.
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