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Cas City Forum Hall & CAS-L  |  GENERAL TOPICS  |  Tall Tales (Moderator: Silver Creek Slim)  |  Topic: Stolen Joke 0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic. « previous next »
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Author Topic: Stolen Joke  (Read 43686 times)
Arcey
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« Reply #175 on: August 29, 2014, 11:55:11 am »

The presidential golf cart. POTUS 1:

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All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
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« Reply #176 on: August 30, 2014, 07:16:13 am »

FOX news asked the POTUS what group made the worst drivers... He replied 3 wood.
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


litl rooster
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« Reply #177 on: September 09, 2014, 07:41:36 am »

Haircuts


Somehow George Bush and obama ended up in the same barbershop. Both sitting in separate chairs with separate barbers. Neither ever speaking to each other. The tension was thick and the neither barber spoke in fears of a political debate.
The barber finally finish the shave on obama and turned to get the aftershave. obama  spoke saying, no thank you moochelle will think i have been in a whorehouse.
The barber tending George Bush finishes and ask him if he would like some aftershave? George replied, yes thank you. Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


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« Reply #178 on: September 13, 2014, 08:28:37 am »

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she could not have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was
probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the hell I am now...
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litl rooster
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« Reply #179 on: September 14, 2014, 07:30:28 pm »

Poor Johnny
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


Sir Charles deMouton-Black
THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
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« Reply #180 on: September 20, 2014, 03:56:04 pm »

> Subject: Fwd: Old Cowboys>
>
> Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
> and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
> rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...>
>
> Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
> cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
> gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
> and castrated that sucker with my teeth.">
>
> Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
> walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
> under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
> bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
>
>
>
> Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
> campfire coals with his pecker...       
>
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NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
Sir Charles deMouton-Black
THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
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« Reply #181 on: September 27, 2014, 01:51:55 pm »

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

 

 

 
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NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
Sir Charles deMouton-Black
THE ANCIENT SUBSTANCE ENDURES - ALL LESSER PROPELLANTS SHALL FIZZLE
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« Reply #182 on: November 11, 2014, 06:06:25 pm »

An old guy goes to this doctor for his physical and gets
sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist
is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'”.

The old guy obeys and says,
'99'.
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,


'99’".


Again, the old guy says,


'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good.


Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.


I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.


Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.”
The old guy begins,
"One...
two…
three…"

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NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
Arcey
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« Reply #183 on: November 27, 2014, 07:33:48 am »

O'Bama goes to a bank to cash a check. Teller wants ID. He ain't got it.

Teller sez t'other day a famous golfer come in 'n put a glass on the floor, walked ta the other end the lobby 'n made a putt inta the glass. Winnin' stock car driver come in 'n did burn outs in the parkin' lot. Stuff ta prove who they were.

O'Bama said he didn't have a clue as ta what ta do.

Teller sez, “OK, Mr. President. Do ya want this in large er small bills?”
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Honorary Life Member of the Pungo Posse. Badge #1. An honor bestowed by the posse. Couldn’t be more proud or humbled.

All I did was name it ‘n get it started. The posse made it great. A debt I can never repay. Thank you, mi amigos.
litl rooster
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« Reply #184 on: November 27, 2014, 03:58:09 pm »

 Grin Grin
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"the ringin' of my jinglebobs is music to my soul.

Joshua 1.9


Sir Charles deMouton-Black
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« Reply #185 on: December 12, 2014, 10:10:38 am »

        Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:                 

         

        Business Man: What is your name?                     

         

        Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!                     

         

        Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?                     

         

        Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.                     

         

        Business Man: How close?                     

         

        Hostess: Same price!
           

.
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NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
Major 2
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« Reply #186 on: March 04, 2015, 10:50:41 am »

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation  has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved.

The  preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember,  you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.
 
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from  the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she  spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible mis-understanding. I  never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The  preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!
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Texas Lawdog
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« Reply #187 on: March 05, 2015, 09:01:32 am »

Give Me A Hell Yes!
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litl rooster
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« Reply #188 on: March 17, 2015, 05:55:32 pm »

Hands a waving
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Joshua 1.9


Lucky Irish Tom
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« Reply #189 on: March 19, 2015, 09:36:19 pm »

And the voices of the choir rose in glorious chorus!
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« Reply #190 on: May 17, 2015, 01:11:57 am »

Did you know that you can tell what branch of the military a man served in, just by leading him to a barbed-wire fence?

The Marine crawls under it without getting scratched.

The Soldier crawls between two strands, getting a little pricked in the process.

The Sailor crawls over the whole thing, cussing up a storm from all the holes in his pants.

The Airman walks five feet to the right and walks through the open gate.

--TK
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"James shook his head and twirled his Colt into it's holster with a smile.  There was some coffee left in the pot, so he poured it in his cup and leaned against the wall by the door.  The sun was setting in the distance, creating a beautiful sunset. 
   “Texas has better sunsets.”  He heard Terri say next to him.  He turned to face her.
   “Of course it does.  But we gotta get what we can in the mean time.” He said with a lopsided grin.  She smiled back and pulled her Colt, stuffing the barrel into his belly.
   “Yer' getting slow.  Better work on that.”  She said and walked back into the house with the empty coffee pot. 
   “We saw that, y' know.”  Clint Rounds said laughing.   James turned red and tried to hide his embarrassment."   Excerpt fromTHE FLOPPY HAT FROM TEXAS," being written by yours truly.



   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?
Sir Charles deMouton-Black
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« Reply #191 on: May 17, 2015, 10:55:52 am »

What is the past tense of fellatio?


BLUE JOB! Cheesy


Inter-service slanging can go too many directions.  Like; - what is brown and comes out of the rear of a Buffalo?

signed; A 30 mile sniper, or as some say a "drop-short."
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NCOWS #1154, SCORRS, STORM, BROW, 1860 Henry, Dirty Rat 502, CHINOOK COUNTRY
THE SUBLYME & HOLY ORDER OF THE SOOT (SHOTS)
Those who are no longer ignorant of History may relive it,
without the Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
With apologies to George Santayana & W. S. Churchill

"As Mark Twain once put it, “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
Mean Bob Mean
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« Reply #192 on: June 15, 2015, 12:13:37 pm »

Good one Major!

Here's one:  A pastor and his deacon were going over the needs of the congregation when the pastor said:

"Jim, I am terribly troubled by the casual manner in which sex is treated these days. Almost every person who comes to me to talk notes that they were sleeping with their spouse before they married.  I mean, I never slept with my wife before I was married, did you?"

Deacon Jim said:  "I can't say Pastor, what was your wife's maiden name?"
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« Reply #193 on: June 15, 2015, 01:05:49 pm »

I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop

Muslim Books Store , so what the heck, I stroll in and wander around, the clerk stops me and ask " could he help me ? "
him figuring I don't look like his normal Clientele .  Undecided

So I asked  " for a copy of the American Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims "

He say's " F*ck off,  get out,  and stay out "  Angry

I said " Yes, that's the one do you have it in paperback ?"
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Mean Bob Mean
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« Reply #194 on: June 19, 2015, 02:20:02 pm »

I'm walk'n' in the mall and I see a new shop


Got a big laugh at work, thanks.
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- Cole Younger
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« Reply #195 on: June 19, 2015, 04:22:11 pm »

I try  Smiley
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« Reply #196 on: February 18, 2017, 06:25:46 pm »

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

--TK
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"James shook his head and twirled his Colt into it's holster with a smile.  There was some coffee left in the pot, so he poured it in his cup and leaned against the wall by the door.  The sun was setting in the distance, creating a beautiful sunset. 
   “Texas has better sunsets.”  He heard Terri say next to him.  He turned to face her.
   “Of course it does.  But we gotta get what we can in the mean time.” He said with a lopsided grin.  She smiled back and pulled her Colt, stuffing the barrel into his belly.
   “Yer' getting slow.  Better work on that.”  She said and walked back into the house with the empty coffee pot. 
   “We saw that, y' know.”  Clint Rounds said laughing.   James turned red and tried to hide his embarrassment."   Excerpt fromTHE FLOPPY HAT FROM TEXAS," being written by yours truly.



   I was told recently that I'm "livelier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest."    Is that an insult or a compliment?
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« Reply #197 on: March 29, 2017, 03:40:34 pm »

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.   
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.  She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
 
 The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers and I voted twice for Obama."
She starts work in the morning.
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« Reply #198 on: March 31, 2017, 07:26:28 am »


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.  "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
 
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republicans brain."
 
The moment turned awkward.  Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.  A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Re-publican's brain?"
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
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« Reply #199 on: March 31, 2017, 09:13:16 am »

Trump.
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